#i may live in the woods but the thing where coyotes or other large scary animals come onto people's property

[a9saga]

Wish there weren't fuckin coyotes sprawled out in my yard in broad daylight

[maine-writes]

Maine’s Notes on Races in the City

Humans: Makes up 49% of population (Thank you Critter-Inclusion Act of 1993!). Appearances vary, as does intelligence and grasp of basic morality. Easily scared and confused, occasionally capable of compassion.

Raccoons: Awesome. Likes to touch things. Lives among trash. Do dumb things all the time. (But the best raccoon is me!) 

Opossums: Also awesome and live among trash. Most who live in the city are female (Strangely). Never seen one sick. Scary-looking, but are actualy in a state of perpetual anxiety (They hide it really well). 

Lizards: Size vary. Some are slimy, some are scaly. Slimy ones tend to stay near water or are always carrying water. Scaly ones keep heat packs in every pocket. (I’ve seen some who wear sweaters in the heat of summer!) Slimy ones are adorable nerds, scaly ones are cool-types.

Foxes: Sly, knows every shortcut in the city, appears out of nowhere (Probably magic!). They’re always the first to know. Know what? Everything! Secrets, rumors, events, where things are, what has been said, what actually happened to Baby Jane. 

Badgers: Terrifying. Do not anger one. Everything angers them. 

Skunks: Decent (And strangely jolly) folk, although a bit smelly. Most give them a wide berth due to reputation. Accute sense of smell, terrible vision. 

Cats: Can range from graceful and alluring to dorky and hopelessly clumsy. Actually have nine lives. Can be rather fickle. May act like they don’t actually care about you, but they lowkey do. (Annoying, but strangely endearing)

Dogs: Good friends, very loyal. Some are big, some are small, some are very vocal, some are disturbingly silent. Majority of local police force are dogs. 

Squirrels: Hyperactive little critters, protective of their food stores (Despite losing them every year!). Really annoying. But if you anger one, you anger them all. News travels fast among them. 

Chipmunks: The more tolerable cousins of the squirrels. Typically have a knack for singing (There are quite a number of chipmunk acapella groups in the city). 

Beavers: Rarely found in the city, they are quintessential outdoorscritters. They prefer to live amongst trees, in their somewhat submerged dens in the middle of damed rivers and lakes. They are also surprisingly talented engineers. 

Mice: Nice rodents, peaceful. Names are usually just syllables, Believe that every individual in a family must have a unique name. Family names are simply indicators of where the family lives (Which might be why most mice don’t really share their family names with anyone!).

Rats: Angry, bigger than mice, very mean. Only interested in eating as much as they possibly can. Not entirely imaginative, save for when it comes to procuring more food (I knew of a family of rats who were all named Bruce became it was easier for them to remember!).

Coyotes: Another critter that prefers to live in the woods. Rarely ventures into the city. But when they do, they pull pranks on anyone they meet. Great sense of humor, always up for a laugh, but are able to rip you apart.  

Rabbits: Content critters, prefer to remain in their comfort zone. Nervous around foxes and coyotes. Have a strange fascination with carrots. Really good at multiplying. 

Deer: Majestic masters of the woods, really uptight and not fun to be around. Would actually live in ivory towers if they were capable of building anything. One of the few woodland critters who are still quadrupedal. 

Ponies: Odd equines who appear in a variety of colors. Some are regular horses, some are unicorns, some are pegasi. All ponies have a strange obession with something, from apples to athleticism to the concept of friendship. (Just following a few around would make great TV)

Wolves: The feared and respected. Once one of the ruling critters of the woodlands, now nomadic exiles. Like the deer, the wolves are also quadrupeds. They are also very large. Scary large. 

Bears: Rulers of the deep woodlands. Very wise, very powerful, very scary. 

Armadillos: Foreign critters with a love for digging. Practically nothing hurts them. Physically and emotionally. Can curl into balls. 

Hedgehogs: Critters that don’t seem to enjoy adventures very much. Can’t hug. They just want to love. 

Porcupines: Prickly. Other critters stand far away. They seem to enjoy that. 

Elves: Evil. Do not trust. (In case of elf invasion, refer to Contingency Plan 8.)

Plant Elf-Things: Have only ever met one. Enjoys the companionship of plants, probably speaks to them. Can probably talk to seaweed as well. Keep away from weevils. 

Pigs: Sort of like humans, but can find truffles on their own. Most of them seem to have a knack for culinary arts. (Or at least very vocal about their criticism about food.)