#i may have done the misinterpreting vents thing before but i dont stand by what ive done anymore

[calikocretin]

small opinion of mine but i don't really like venting publicly because i don't like talking about my feelings online nor would i like discussions about my mental health with people. its probably just because i hate making people worried and concerned about me or that they could get misinterpreted and used against me. it just feels odd to tell a bunch of strangers online about how i feel, i overall just prefer posting stuff that i genuinely want to show that are apart of my interests rather than make people just worried about me. its just not for me when it comes to coping. i just make weird art if i really feel that bad and keep it to myself.

[stuckimaginationuniverse]

I'm Fuming Guys

So I work at a laundromat. I do people's laundry and just keep the place standing til next shift arrives.

So this lady came in at 10 am, shes smiling and friendly, and asks for her clothing to be laundered, and Im like, "Yeah, We can do that :)"

She sets down 2 large baskets and 2 large black garbage bags and says "I want all this by 2 pm."

Its 10 am. There's 2 large baskets and 2 garbage bags, which weighed about 40 pounds! It is possible to do that amount(off shift), but I'm on shift, I have six other tickets going and more coming in, half were due same day.

I apologize and tell her, "Can we do the pickup tomorrow or may be 8am on thursday, its going to take a couple of shifts to get through all this."

Her face drops and her nice voice is replaced with an awful nasal tone. "No, I want this all done by 2 o clock today. My washer is down and I need this done today. Also can you wash my son's laundry separate? I dont want it mixed in."

Again, I repeat to her the same statement and include, "we charge for a seperate wash." (If a customer requests for a separate wash I'll charge the cost of the washer, which is 3 bucks average.)

She lost her shit! "What is wrong with today's youth, youre so lazy. So stingy! /Blah blah on and on about the youth being disrespectful to their elders, the whole spiel/"

I repeat my same statement and pulled the pick up date to tomorrow noon, that wasnt enough for her. She wanted it TODAY at 2 PM, 5 hours!

She goes on, "why are you trying to rip me off, blah blah, you are very rude, blah blah, (she went on about today's youth again) my son needs his laundry hes very busy, Im very busy, I want to talk to your manager."

(Our manager quit a few months ago, I wasnt promoted or given title manager, but my bosses like to tell me Im their Senior Employee since Ive been working there longer than my coworkers.)

"Sorry the bosses are on vacation, I can take down your info and send an email."

Wasnt good enough for her. Her next sentence fluffed my tail!

"You people are so lazy, you can't do your job right, its supposed to be your specialty.(there was more said but my mind was locked on those words)

I may have misinterpreted "you people", she may have been still talking about today's youth, idk. But I think she was referring to my race (Im an awesome shade of brown)

I was ready to tell her to grab her things and go, and she won't be serviced today.

Her husband stepped in (restroom? Iunno where he was) and told her to stop and he'll handle this.

I was like, /well shet, 2 assholes/

He wasnt. Very nice and polite. He apologized for his wife's behavior, calmly explained their washer situation and was "I get off work after 5 tomorrow. Ill pick up before you guys close. Thank ma'am and again sorry for all the trouble."

I told him that her behavior was not okay and he shouldnt apologize on his wife's behalf but still thanked him, and told him 5pm tomorrow.

I was very frustrated after and cried in the restroom for a few minutes. I cry when angry, lmao!

Thanks for reading my rant, I needed to vent~

[flockofdoves]

i dont really know why im posting this on my public blog instead of privately or probably even more sensibly with people i care about (although i just feel so alienated, i’ve become good friends with people in college and i love them a lot but i’m not sure despite how open some people have encouraged me to be, if my relationships are close enough to talk about this kinds of stuff seriously, which might be a weird concern because i overshare all the time but i just always feel really guilty for it) i guess i mind less about people hearing this and more about burdening anyone in specific, idk!!

but yeah ive just been really emotional this week, or really ive had the same range of emotions as usual but ive just been crying a lot again. i used to cry almost every day and have like weekly panic attacks in high school when my relationship with my parents was really toxic and i was harassed every day at school my senior year, but since freshman year after my dad was diagnosed and then my nana passed away and then my dad passed away too for the most part i’ve just been holding in so much and i’m finally starting to let that out this past month or so but in really weird ways where i’ll burst out sobbing even in public over the stupidest shit

and thats started to happen multiple times a week as of this past week and its made me realize how i feel alone all over again. i have one person at university i would consider to genuinely be a close friend even if he may not consider me a best friend, i’m not sure, but we only see each other around every other week when we actually plan to hang out because we’re no longer in any of the same classes or dorms or anything. beyond that i feel most comfortable with people from work, and consider many of them to be my friends, but recently some of my co-managers have been speaking out about how they feel unwelcome in our work environment and it can feel cliquey and it makes me so upset that i didn’t pick up the cues that shouldve made me realize that, i feel like i’m not doing my part and if i am misinterpreting my relationships with my coworkers, then maybe they dont even consider me as much of a friend as i do them.

and then ive started to get closer with a few people ive only really talked to since school started and they really all are just such wonderful people and i want to get to know them better but i worry the way i’m opening up to them is disproportionate and unfair to them but i really don’t know how to navigate this all.

its making me realize i dont think my avoidant personality disorder shit ever actually improved for the most part, it was just that my two best friends, shannon and burke, and my girlfriend, jacqueline, have been a constant in my life for so long now that my constant anxieties about my relationships with others and my interactions didn’t feel as prominent because at least logically i knew i could rely on them

and of course i can, i love all three of them so much and they have been for me through so much, but since college i don’t get to see shannon every day and burke multiple times a month, when we catch up its wonderful, and i’m sure its all natural to how long term friendships work, but not having them here physically sometimes makes me feel a bit more lonely, because regardless of how many seemingly positive interactions i have with someone who isn’t them or who i’ve met in the past couple years, based on experience i can never have the reassurance that i have with them that they have explicitly given me throughout the years for ages after where i currently stand in all my irl friendships, and who knows how much of that all is mutual even now we’re those newer friendships are at. and even jacqueline, who i try to talk to as much as possible, this past year has been so emotionally draining that i’ve slipped into not talking at least once a day like we used to and i feel like i dont have nearly as much time as i want to be spending with her having fun. and for all three of them i worry i just am not there for them like i want to be.

and just specifically with romantic stuff it makes me so upset i’ve only ever got to visit jacqueline irl once, which was almost a year ago now, and that most of that memory even though i loved the short time we had i also associate with my dads health turning even worse because his legs becoming paralyzed while me and my mom were in oklahoma of course meant that we cut the trip short because of course we wanted to make sure my dad was safe and okay.

and yeah just after crying again today, my new friends hugging me was really nice, but when i went into my room right afterward i burst out sobbing, and i have no idea how to recover from this or comfort myself effectively, i only know how to sleep it off and feel like shit when i wake up halfway through the next day. so now thats why i’m writing this to vent and have been for like the past 45 minutes and still havent really gotten to all of it. i don’t know how to comfort myself but i know right now i just really wish i had someone that could just lie down with me and comfort me, maybe even a bit romantically.

and i feel really goofy for saying that, i get really self conscious about how immature i feel compared to so many people my age, sometimes i think its in part an autism thing but also i know other autistics at my university who aren’t like this so i really don’t have a decent excuse but like . i’ve never even done that with someone.

me and jacqueline only got to see each other essentially a day before i suddenly needed to go back to ohio, we were both so nervous, we took a while to even hold hands, and that day and a half we saw each other i had my first kiss, and later my last kiss i’ve had since. both of those and the ones in between being just a peck on the lips. i’m not complaining about that, i don’t think we should’ve rushed our pace, but i think it goes to show how lost i feel in navigating this all if even after knowing her so well and dating her for over 2 years at that point, i froze so much.

i’m comfortable with jacqueline with stuff like that because she’s expressed shes in a similar boat, and i really appreciate that understanding. i think its wonderful how we’ve been together for almost 3 years now, but also thinking about that is wild. i was in such a different place back then, i don’t think i really knew what dating someone or being in a relationship entailed. i’m happy with how we go about our relationship, but also i get really lost when comparing how i define and go about romantic things versus most people i’ve met in college. i’ve never been in a relationship with anyone but her, and i’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t long distance. i love her and i wish she were closer so maybe we could begin to figure that out together. also ive had a lot of casual crushes on girls at college in the past couple years and i think it would be really nice to explore that too, but honestly i have no idea how to go about that and its so daunting to try to think about so i just resign it as unrealistic unless something extremely significant changes within the next few years, and then i’ll be really pathetic for not knowing anything as a fucking 23 year old maybe in grad school or something. and so i just get to feeling more lonely and having more anxiety about my interactions and relationships with others.

i know its a common thing apparently for lgbt people to be “late bloomers” but im surrounded by so many lgbt people who are so far ahead of me with relationship stuff, and i don’t think i’ve met a single lgbt person in college besides myself who is quite this inexperienced/naive/etc.

i dont know how i’m ever supposed to learn this stuff at this rate, even if i feel slightly less bad about stuff like my appearance and personality nowadays (or more like, i know i look weird but i care less now because i dont care enough any more to try changing my appearance over it, and then i’m still terrible with communication and social cues and oversharing and all my weird shit etc etc etc but i guess at least i try to be compassionate and that must at least be somewhat noticeable if other people sometimes remark on it), even if people are fine with that and find me interesting enough, i really don’t see how almost any girl who got that far would then find it worth it to deal with how fucking stunted i am in that regard. like thats just not fair to have to have someone guide me around so much because i just have no idea what to do and no idea How to figure that out.

so yeah im just . having a rough time im very emotional and expressing it physically (which while somewhat cathartic after feeling so empty, also makes me feel worse because the context in which i last was like this is not one i want to dwell on now that my dad has passed and ive been in the process of forgiveness) and i have so much love for so many people but also i feel so so so so so lost and alone and stunted and i really just don’t know how to begin working on that and its really embarrassing to admit.