#i make no promises. only tentative daydream-level plans.

[arcademyth]

full version of the art i did for my pinned post + new avatar ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

[collecting-stories]

Ursa Major - Kiara Carrera

Request: date idea with Kiara or John B: camping in the backyard or on the dock, one sleeping bag and making up stories about the constellations

A/N: I did Kiara cause I don’t get enough Kiara requests

Outer Banks Masterlist

///

You had unzipped the sleeping bag from that Kiara had brought from home, laying it out on the dock behind your house along with the quilt from your bed. Lanterns lit the small area and you’d carried down some old throw pillows that your parents wouldn’t absolutely murder you for using. 

You both wanted to go camping but since Kiara parents nixed the idea and told her she wasn’t allowed to leave the OBX you’d decided that backyard camping would have to do. You’d set up a tent at the end of the dock in case it rained but both of you thought that just camping out under the stars would be better, especially since it was a surprisingly cool night. The last week had been nothing but humid weather and you were thrilled to finally have some breathable air back.  

“This looks amazing.” Kiara called as she stepped onto the dock. She was carrying a portable grill and her backpack.  

“Thank you, I’m a pretty skilled camp ground...preparer. I don’t know.” You shook your head, “what’d you bring?”

“S’mores.” Kiara held up the grill as evidence. “All the stuff for it’s in my bag.”

The grill was set up away from the blankets on the edge of the dock. You sat facing each other, mirroring positions with one leg tucked in and the other hanging off the end of the dock, feet brushing against the water as you roasted marshmallows. Kiara liked them just browned while you singed them all until the outside was a black shell.  

“I don’t know how you eat that.” She admonished as you pulled the marshmallow off the skewer with your graham crackers.  

“This is the only way to eat them.” You replied, taking a bit. Kiara laughed when part of the marshmallow escaped the sandwich, dripping onto your chin. Careful of the fire, she leaned over and kissed your chin, eating off the leftover. “Thank you.” You smiled, kissing her before she moved back to her own spot on the dock.  

“I’ve seen kids eat neater than you.” Kiara teased, taking a bite of her own smore.

“Maybe I did it on purpose, did you ever think of that?” You asked, watching a new smore catch on fire. You blew it out, inspecting the level of char. “I mean I got you to kiss me.”

“Yeah cause I don’t kiss you all the time.” She laughed.  

You stuck your tongue out at her before turning your focus back toward making yourself another smore. While you did Kiara turned her attention out toward the marsh, looking up at the sky in the distance. She had big plans to travel someday but there wasn’t anything like this view. The OBX had some of the best clear skies, especially, it felt like, in the summer. The stars were bright, clear, and visible in the distance.  

“What’s up?” You asked, poking her knee with the handle of your marshmallow skewer.  

She looked back at you and smiled, “the stars just look so beautiful.”  

“Well,” You said, laying down your skewer and standing up, “turn that thing off and come join me here in the stargazing area,” you did a sweep with your hand over the blankets and pillows before plopping down in the middle of them. Kiara laughed, finishing off her smore and turning off the grill so that she could join you on the blankets.

“Alright, I’m here,” she said, stepping onto the blankets and lowering herself down next to you. “Now what? Are you gonna wow me with John B facts about the constellations?”

“John B knows one fact about the constellations that he learned on a field trip to the planetarium and he’s never forgotten it.” You replied. “I know actual astronomy facts about the constellations because your girlfriend is a genius.”

“Alright genius girlfriend, wow me with your facts. I wanna know it all.” Kiara teased.  

“Well, since we’re technically in the northern hemisphere we’ll see constellations like Ursa Major, Cassiopeia, and Ursa Minor. I want to go to the southern hemisphere someday to see Centaurus, it’s my favorite constellation-”

“Oh my god...you’re like the astronomy version of Pope.”

“Shut up!” You laughed, “astronomy is way cooler than Pathology. And someday when they’re elevator to space is finally constructed, I’m not taking you.”

“No, please, I can’t possibly handle you leaving me here on earth Zenon.” Kiara teased, propping herself up enough to look at you.  

You looked over at her for a second before turning back to the sky. “That constellation is Ursa Major, the bear. Now, let me wow you with my mythology skills. The ancient Greeks saw the bear in the sky and believed that Zeus had been caught in an affair with Callisto. In a jealous rage Hera had cursed Callisto, turning her into a bear. It was then Zeus who put her and her son Arcas into the sky. Her son becoming Ursa Minor or the little bear.”  

“Damn, that would suck.” Kiara laid back beside you, looking up to the constellation that you pointed out.  

“JB could tell you that the big dipper is part of Ursa Major but that’s hardly her most exciting celestial object.”

“Celestial object.” Kiara laughed, “you sound like a teacher.”

“I’m literally gonna go in the tent and never come out.” You replied.  

“I’m sorry, I love you, you’re such a nerd. A beautiful, amazing, nerd.” Kiara pressed a kiss to your bare shoulder. “tell me more, I promise, no interruption.”

-

taglist: @maplelattes22 @poguesrforlife  @freckled-and-daydreaming  @chasefreakinstokes @millie-753 @fangirlwithme @alex12948 @howdyherron @katherine097 @tangledinsparkles @tragicmisfits @carbonated-beverage @mariofgreengables @damonsalvawhore27 @ssprayberrythings @dopedoodes @dolanfivsosxox @belledutchess @poguelifeeee @jjsthumbring @faded-blue @parkerpetertingle @thebookwormlife @summer-clouds-and-long-days

[alliesweetsong]

A Moment in Time Pt. 1

“Allisel, did you hear your father?” 

The young blonde high elf blinks in rapid succession while snapping out of her daydream idly cutting into venison tenderloin she and her father had harvested earlier in the morning. Wearing comfortable silk clothing, the unruly curls that adorned her head was tied into a ponytail tamed by a black ribbon that lazily rested down her back. 

“Hmm? Sorry, I was thinking about something,” she replies quickly putting a piece of meat into her mouth to avoid further questioning

Though sitting, her father was an imposing figure. His proud, chiseled visage locked on the girl with glowing cyan eyes while braided blonde locks flow over as his shoulders coming to rest in the middle of his back. Shifting his weight backward into the chair, the proud chest of the man inflates while his wife gently places a hand on top of his to prematurely calm him.

“Your mother and I have discussed your desire to spend time with your friends.” he begins before interlocking his thumb with her hand. “You did well today, I have seen rangers twice your age fail to track animals as you did. Therefore, we have come to the agreement that you may go, but only after you finish your dinner.” he finishes looking at his wife Niral.

“Sweetheart, you deserve a break, your father has expressed how impressed he is with how quickly you are taking to his teachings. Isn’t that right dear?” She adds smiling in a fashion. 

Allie clears her throat and practically snaps at attention as if it was second nature when her father began to speak. The rigid posture she had begins to diminish ever so slightly as her mother elaborates and she smiles in an earnest manner. 

“Truly? Oh, thank you so much!” Allie replies. 

Though neither of them knew it, the excitement was fake, she knew they would cave, or at least her father would. She had arranged a friend to trap the deer she shot a few hours prior. Anything to get away from the house, and him for a week. Whatever had happened to him during the fall had changed him, the loving father was replaced by someone far more sinister, routinely putting his only daughter in situations that should not be survivable. The bandages covering the stab wound on her ribcage from just last week attested to that.  Her mother wasn’t any better in her opinion, she let it happen. 

With a shaky inhale, Allie reaches forward and grabs the silk cloth to wipe her face as she finishes the meal and begins to rise to her feet. She couldn’t remember the last time they had actually sat and had a lively discussion, not since her parents had decided to leave Silvermoon as it fell. Bowing her head respectfully to both of her parents she picks up her plate as piercing eyes follow her every move, looking for any sign of weakness that could be used as ammunition for her to stay and continue to be berated. Or as her father called it, ‘training’. 

“Remember I want to know where you are-” 

“I will write down names and the address, I promise.” Allie cuts her her father off.

This too was part of her plan, she knew neither had the heart nor will to venture into the remains of the once-proud city. Though if either wanted to search for her she had already made an agreement for her friends to uphold the lie. A loose claw or tooth from one of the fabled worgens would serve as payment should the ranger in training come across one. As she places her dirty plate where it goes for washing later, her trained ears twitch as reassurances from both parents to each other are offered while their daughter was gone. A slight tinge of guilt washed over the elf as she quickly hurried to her room to grab her pack. She didn’t want to lie to them, but they left her no choice. 

Walking into her room, she grabbed her backpack, it was always packed and sat on her bed while her mind raced with anxiousness and fear of the unknown. What she was about to do could leave her seriously hurt, or worse. But she had to see it. Humans, for her, were so intriguing. That an entire kingdom would wall itself in while forsaking those outside, was something she could scarcely believe. Snapping back to reality she quickly went to her desk and grabbed the map she had borrowed from one of her friends making sure it was neatly folded before placing it into the pack inside a hidden compartment she had sewn in just a few nights prior. She didn’t think her parents would have believed her, nor that she would get away with this lie of hers. 

“I’ll uh, be home in a week,” she says in a cheerful manner as she steps out of her room clutching her pack. 

Though her father merely grunts and continues eating, it’s her mother that rises to her feet and walks over to embrace her daughter. The two hadn’t been terribly close of late following a fight they had regarding the nonstop ‘training’ her father would subject her too, but there once was a time, a few years ago that they had been inseparable. Inhaling Allie closes her eyes and rubs her mother’s back, already almost at equal eye level with the older woman. 

“Be safe out there, and have fun.”  She instructs her daughter. 

Smiling softly, Allie gently nods before releasing the embrace. Even if she didn’t know what she was about to do, the comment rang true no matter the context. 

“I will mother, I promise,” Allie replies before walking toward the door.

Though he had been quiet she couldn’t help but look to her father, for any sign of emotion, that she was about to leave. Of course, that wouldn’t happen. He was too proud to show anything around his family anymore. As she opens the door, her mother gives her a small reassuring pat on the back and then she steps out and the door closes behind her. 

Allie pauses and shuts her eyes for a brief moment, just to clear her mind and get her thoughts. The first order of business was to grab her weapons and a  second pack containing the leather armor she typically wore. Though much of Quel’thalas wasn’t friendly, a small grove on her route had been scouted off and on when she could to ensure roving hostile entities wouldn’t be there to steal her belongings or worse, ambush her getting to them. The more time she stood in the doorway, the less time she had before the sun began to rise, increasing the probability of that happening. With a deep inhale and a quick glance over her shoulder to ensure her parents weren’t watching out of a window, the high elf starts off to the west.

The downpour had started the previous night and all but washed away the camp she had set up. The lone dry patch of soil inside her tent was used as a fire pit to warm her before finishing the first part of the journey, beholding the nation of Gilneas. Yawning as tangled strands of blonde hair fall over her eyes Allie grabs her pack and uses a stick shaped like a ‘Y’ to push mud into the fire dowsing it with the dirt and water mixture. 

Her hooded cloak was already drenched and she was positive her parents would question how she suddenly got sick, but the experience so far had her in high spirits. The walls of Gilneas were only a few miles away and she had to encounter anything or anyone, that wished to harm her.  Once her gear had been secured she broke down the tent and folded it as best as she could back into the second bag and started west once more. 

It didn’t take her long to see the first signs of the nation beyond the walls, derelict huts, and roadside lanterns dotted the landscape as the thick woods opens into the clearing giving her the first true glimpse of Gilneas, or what she assumed was Gilneas so far.

Strange looks from grizzled, sickly-looking people met her arrival giving her shooting glares of disdain. This was far from how the young ranger envisioned meeting humans for the first time. Meanwhile, a group of soldiers stands around a tent with weapons sheathed appearing to have some sort of conversation that none of them really wanted to have. Catching a glimpse of the soaked Quel’dorei, the one talking the most motions two of the knights to follow him before starting her direction at a brisk pace. 

Going rigid as they approach, Allie clears her throat and pulls her hood down allowing the cool rainwater to pelt her nappy hair while her cyan eyes track their every movement. 

“Lass, ye can’t be ‘ere, by order o’the King.” he says in a commanding voice.

Huffing and rolling her eyes, the tone he gave instantly reminded Allie of how her father would speak to her. She wasn’t having none of that today, she was cold, tired, and desperately needed a bath. 

“Tell your King that I am a friend, I am Allie Sweetsong, uh a Ranger of Quel’thalas and I demand an audience with someone who can point me to where I need to go for work,” she replies while placing her hands on her hips.

The two soldiers behind the loud one smirk and quickly look down expecting the fireworks to start at any moment, Though the one to his left sort of looked up with sapphire blue eyes and offers a simple shake of his head and motions to the ground as if to tell the elven woman to ease her tone. 

The young knight's gaze catches Allie’s attention for a moment as a commotion breaks out behind the trio. Several soldiers begin chasing a hysterical woman causing Allie to tear her gaze away for a moment as the leader clears his throat and leans to his right sending the second soldier to assist. 

“Lass, i ‘ppreciate yer offer, but as ye can see, we ‘ave it under c’ntrol aye?” he says with a slightly deflated tone now. “Private, escort the lass to ta road aye?” he says as the one that had motioned to her steps forward the plate clinging as he salutes in a rigid manner.

Turning his attention back to the Quel’dorei the commander sort of scoffs and gently shakes his head before taking his leave and walking at the same brisk pace up to the commotion behind them.  

As the two stood there the knight widened his and inhales before bowing his head motioning for him to follow as he starts down the hill leading from to the road in which the elven ranger had just traveled up not long after. 

“Was mighty brave of ye ta talk to ‘im like that.” he starts while looking over his shoulder to make sure she was following. “He ain’t the kind to like someone talking to him like that.” 

“Yeah well, he should learn to accept help when its offered.” she retorts while pulling her hood back over her head, the sewn slits allowing the tips of her elongated ears to have free space opening for their intended purpose. “Is it so hard to allow me to at least bathe and allow me a moment’s respite from this dreadful rain and muck?” Allie finishes lifting her foot out a giant pool and wiggling it to and frow to illustrate her point. 

A rather awkward pause follows as he stops for a moment and looks at the drenched elf. Grinning in a youthful manner he quickly looks around and diverges from their destination “Follow me.” he instructs. 

Lifting an eyebrow Allie rolls her cyan eyes, disgusted from her appearance and the weather. “Now where are we going?” 

A quick walk down a hill out of ear and eyeshot of the wall and his commander, The knight points to a grove of trees near the wall before it diverged. “Meet me in those trees at nightfall. don’t be late, and erm, try to shield yer eyes?” he half asks clenching his jaw as if instantly regretting the way that came out. 

Huffing in an indignant manner Allie cocks her head to the right as if waiting for the punchline to a poorly worded joke. When one doesn’t come she groans in disbelief and throws up her hands. 

“I'll be back fer ye at nightfall lass,”  

I have been playing classic a lot with @fin-mckendric​‘s writer. This story is inspired by a night of discord conversation and a headcanon. I hope you all enjoyed, I had a blast writing this first part and I can’t wait to post the second! 

[welovelofi]

любит меня не любит меня  // Loves Me Loves Me Not

Winters’ not yet over, so here’s what we’ve found on the side of the road for you

The Early Mornings - Artificial Flavour

Lots of wonderful nods to lovely acts as The Breeders and The Raincoast - who recently started playing some reunion shows - maybe this is the perfect fit for a support act? I gotta say I love the lofi jangly vibe with the half-way yelling female vocals, something very Sonic Youth about it that you can’t do anything but love!

Okay Alright - lying in roads

https://soundcloud.com/user-949334681/lying-in-roads/s-G5bzI

really laid back bedroom vibe on this, perfect vocals over a sleazy dead guitar pattern. It’s got a little of that hopefull melancholy that Mark Everett from Eels have always done really well. I’m really excited to see what else comes out of this project, so should you be!

Nicole Faux Naiv -  До свидания навсегда + Traum Trauma

We’re including 2 songs by Nicole on this round, simply because she puts out nice tunes too fast for anyone to follow. There’s an atmosphere to her things that reminds me of movies like City of the Lost Children and Delicatessen, movies by Jean-Pierre Jeunet that sucks you into a very special world that doesn’t fully seem to be part of our reality.

I can recommend both of these tracks by Nicole and I can only say that I’m looking very much forward to what else might be to come!

Bled Tape - Feels Better in the Morning

https://soundcloud.com/francisshannon/feelsbetterinthemorning

Even with a very midi’ish mix that has the drums too loud this tune really shows enornous potential. Really fucking simple everything that’s going on, but the way it moves and sways together is not often you find that kind of track that just connects in the simplicity. Reminds me somewhat of the Daydream Nation record with Sonic Youth, but if Alvvays had made it maybe?

James Clayton - Avalene

We don’t feature a lot of tracks with a more straight up folky or singersongwriter vibe, but this is really worth a listen (as the video is worth a watch). On the surface it just sounds like a really well-written singersongwriter tune that isn’t scaring anyone away - it’s also not scaring anyone away, but the details hiding throughout this track really cuts it to the next level. I kinda wanna say this sounds like a merger of Jimi Hendrix and Mac Demarco? It could be.

Until we find out, you should just sit down and watch the video and listen to the song, I promise you won’t regret it ! It’s all very very well made <3

Remington Super 60 - I Don’t Wanna Wait

https://soundcloud.com/cafesuperstar/02-remington-super-60-i-dont

We’ve had these lovely Norwegians on the blog before and I didn’t realize how much I’ve actually missed them!? It’s like the bliss-version of Abba without all the glitter and tv-shows. This is for the quiet days when you’re by yourself of a loved one and just planning on spending the day in bed or in a tent somewhere on a hillside <3

Sugarloaf Beach - Casablanca

https://soundcloud.com/sugarloafbeach/casablanca/s-gUOkz

Oh this is some epic vacation music right here - I’d just take an ipod loaded with this track 1000 times, pick a ticket anywhere sunny. Go to the beach, order myself a pina colada and ice cream and just not go anywhere else. I’ll have friends naturally, since I’m bringing my ghettoblaster to play the song on, soon we’ll be 100 just enjoying life at the Sugarloaf Beach. Future is never, it’s now. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

The Blaze Velluto Collection - Fish Mountain Part II

This here gotta come for the audio-roadtrip it is! Video is a masterpiece, you might not be into the more 70s vibe of the music, but you should be able to appreciate it for the feel it delivers in connection with the video. I’m sure there’s a soundtrack hiding out there for something like this, if it’s not already there!?

Shelter Boy - Pale Ocean Boy

https://soundcloud.com/hndgmcht/shelter-boy-pale-ocean-child/s-xZXuK

Good solid UK slacker vibe ala early Libertines meets Mac Demarco and had a jam. It’s bound to have a music video with gardens and flowers, I wanna come help make it, just give me a ring! Nice voice, would make Elias from Iceage proud!

Sucker Bet - Bottle Rocket

open.spotify.com/track/6d9RrtQBuoZ2PBNnSCX2TN?si=Wwuk0CaUSESbmICPVlmAkQ

very oldschoool Weezer vibes out of this, when you still were checking out the records! a tad more slacker-based, bedroom style, so it’s also not trying to hard. But I’m sure the blue and green albums are in the collection of these lovely lads. Looking forward to seeing which road these guys head down in the future!

Quaker Parents - Manuscript of Low Blows

https://quakerparents.bandcamp.com/track/manuscript-of-low-blows

Lets just stop for a second and appreciate the band name! Its fucking hard enough to begin with coming up with a semi-good one, so when you land a keeper you have to remember to appreciate it! I’ll score a 10 on the name alone on this, luckily there’s some nice stuff to come for in the music as well. Really chill sleepy voice, it’s got some really nice Built to Spill heritage going on for it, but the whole atmosphere of the tune isn’t trying to impress anyone  - it’s got its own pace going for it, you can either like it or fuck off. So should it be and so it is, looking forward to the next tune <3

Lizzy & the Fanatics - Far Away

https://soundcloud.com/lizzysparkles/far-away/s-RARdF

A bit more down the “poppy” road than we normally do, but this strangely 80s nostalgia trip just really hits the spot. Lots of dream-pop bands coming out these days, most sound like the same mush, but once in a while someone nails it - I’m personally a pretty fucking happy camper if music like this could be on the radio instead of whatever it is that’s playing now, it’s like scrambled space-signals. Lizy have a wonderful voice, there’s a chill vibe, I wanna hear more <<3

Death Hags - Be Who You Are (Skyforest Edit)

https://soundcloud.com/death_hags/be-who-you-are-skyforest-edit

Really nice lofi production on this, again some sort of The Raincoats vibe, some Beat Happening vibes (if they had computers insteadf of 4-tracks and cassette decks). Loving the vocals - there’s some heavy potential hiding here, can’t wait for the next couple of tunes to come out <3

[minijenn]

Never Forever, but still Together (Reverse Diamond)

Okay, so before I start, just know that I stand by the idea that Diamond Steven is an irredeemable character. This is just a little AU possibility I thought of. Enjoy

In the deep confines of a busted and broken green ship, one little diamond couldn't do a damn thing about it.

His ship, broken. His alliances, broken. He connection to homeworld, broken. Any relationships he had managed to form, broken into so many little pieces that you'd need a microscope to see any of it.

This was truly the lowest point of the diamond.

Even lower than being half human, even lower than a pearl, even lower than the bottomless pit. That was how pathetic his existence has gotten. He couldn't even call his own life a life, it was just an existence, struggling to exist against so many things that were trying to kill him.

There was nothing in his existence worth anything. He life was worth nothing to himself, and it was definitely not worth a crap to anyone around him.

Maybe at one point, he believed that Blue Diamond needed him as much as he needed her. Maybe at one point he thought her giant, gentle touch was all the comfort that he needed, that it didn't matter how large the pain was. Maybe he thought she loved him, and that, for as much as someone like him could, he loved more than anything, more, than all the power he held in his fingertips, more than he hated the fleshbag.

He couldn't allow himself, or Blue Diamond for that matter, to live such a lie. Better to save her the pain and to take it all on his own.

Wait, their was one person who valued him more than anyone. Someone who would follow him to the ends of the earth, and he didn't even have to ask.

It was definitely the last, last, last thing the diamond had on his mind. He hurled at the very thought of such a repulsive idea. It was something he would, never in a million years, think about doing.

But, he really had no other choice. Day after day, week after week, year after year, everything he had built for himself, it all turned on him. Pain, suffering, that was his entire life, that's what he had to look forward to everyday. Every drop of blood, every scratch, every night he spent alone, that was what life had in store for him.

Turning his attention to his communication device, more specifically the primitive earth device that was given to him as a 'gift', he turned it on a dialed the only number on the phone, as well as the only one he actually had a use for knowing.

"I'm so going to regret this."

Wondering in the show tent that she's come to know as home, the malicious showgirl known as Mabel Pines starred up aimless at the 'ceiling' above her. She had no real purpose for doing so, sometimes after putting on a show and maiming a few unsuspecting members of the audience, she felt like doing nothing. She asked herself mostly meaningless questions, like why a pig goes oink and not moo, how can such fragile bodies hold in so much blood and guts, and how in the hell did her brother manage to get a girlfriend? There was just some things that would always go unsolved.

Her brother was definitely someone she rather try to forget about every day. Ever since his betrayal, he's been living at that eyesore of a temple, or living in the woods with that hippie girlfriend or whatever weird thing her parents were into. It didn't concern her in the slightest.

Her own brother didn't concern her in the slightest. Their was always a distinct divide between them ever since they were born. Her earliest memory of them together wasn't a clear one, only that it involved a lot of screaming, hair-pulling, and possibly some spilled blood. It was all her brothers fault, at least that's the story she was sticking with. Her brother, the teachers pet, the prodigy in math, literature, and magic, and the biggest buzzkill of all time.

She thought about all those nights they were alone together, all the times they were left alone, the cold, hard nights they promised to be together forever. All the times they promised to always stand together, all the times they held each other whenever one would feel lower than dirt, whenever someone would hurt them and they swore to hurt that someone back times 100. The promises made to never be weaker than anybody, to let no one control them.

She was an idiot. For the last 6 years, all he's ever done is try to control her. Ford, Dipper, they were trying to contain the fire inside. She didn't want to be a candle that that barely grazed people's skin, she wanted to be a wildfire that slowly and painfully consumed anyone that dared cross her uncontrollable path. A blazing, white hot fire that wouldn't stop until the entire world was engulfed in flames, and she would be their, standing above everyone, laughing, dominating, destroying everyone that ever..

Pfft

While in the mist of her sinister inner monologue, she had failed to notice the fire now surrounding her bed, slowly making it way up to the tent. "Great." She muttered with as must disinterest as she could. The smell of smoke soured her nostrils, making her get up from her fiery accident and made her way outside. "I can't so much as think about Dipper without something going wrong." Nothing about him concerned herself in anyway, and the next time she saw him, it will definitely be the last time, she'll personally see to that.

Before see could even think of a way to put out the fire, a ring from her phone erupted from her pocket. Curious as to why, she absentmindedly picked it up and answered. "Hello."

"Hey, so after many hours of contemplation I've decided to abandon everything that's made me who I am and give up on life." The Diamond's voice answered as clearly and bluntly as he could. Not that his tone of voice was surprising, given how very open he was when it came to his own thoughts and opinions, but to here it over the phone, and after such a devastating phone, she herself was a bit doubtful when and if they would even continue this alliance they had. "So want to come over and join me in miserable failure?"

The words coming out of the Diamond's mouth were practically alien coming from him. It was something she thought she never see, never not ever in a million years.

Her precious Diamond was asking her out!

"Yes, yes, yes!" She elatedly shouted at the top of her lungs, levitating her in the air as the fire behind began to grow more and more. She continued to ignore, as well as the screams of agony made by the dozens of people trapped inside the gift shop of the tent. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to here those words."

"That somehow makes this call even more pathetic." The Diamond sighed before abruptly hanging up on the girl. Despite the rather rude send off, the girl was to far off on cloud 9 to even care about it. Finally, after every daydream, day after stalking, pestering, after every hypnosis and mindwipe, the Diamond had finally given in to her advances. They were finally going steady after all this time.

"Nothing could make this any more perfect." She announced as she started floating away, swooning in the air, completely oblivious to the fiery mayhem that was occurring down below on her own place of business, or the fact that the blue blaze was starting to make it's way towards the town.

The green ship was just as beaten up and busted as she remembered. She didn't have a particular disdain for it being broken, it just meant she had more time to spend with her Diamond, but she at least figured he would've gotten Peridot to start fixing it about now.

Trying to straighten out her thoughts for what was definitely going to be the biggest moment of her life until her wedding day( she would forgive him for being a little late than her original plans, but love was all about compromising, and sacrifice, and doing whatever it took to make sure he was perfect), she entered the broken contraption with little effort. Not that entering his little fortress was difficult, she always managed to bypass any security measures he made to specifically keep her out. In her defense, her Diamond just had to accept that they were going to share the rest of their lives together, so that meant they had to be with each other nearly 24/7 with no secrets withheld or omitted.

In any case, the ship, which usually had one or two gems in to greet her as she came in, was nearly barren as she furthered the space machine like it was some sort of mechanical jungle. Wire and cables hung on the ceiling like wild vines, spreading everywhere from the wall to the floor, sparking electricity every few seconds. The main control room had nor doors blocking it's entrance, so passing through was easy enough.

She remembered every moment she spent here with her dear Diamond, the way his little body would sit in that high chair, being all important and cute in all the power that he had. He never let his size demote or demean the level of power and control he had. He held everything he had with pride, and strength, and a body that she could just rip..

"Focus Mabel, your fantasies will all come true after today." She controlled herself as she headed towards where she her Diamond was. Forget her Brother's betrayal, forget the many disappointment and failures that they've suffered recently, forget all the self-loathing that both were very prone to, today was all about them, and the bright, loving future they had ahead."

She headed to the control chair, where he sat in a state of depression and laziness. The smell emitting from him was enough to assume that he hadn't freshened up in quite a while, as could also be told by the still torn-up clothes he hadn't changed out of, or the big poofy puffs of hair that use to be the three spike on his head. In his hand was a glass that was filled with a thick, dark substance that smelled even worst than the Diamond.

'Okay, just got to reel him in slowly'. Just got to be subtle.' She internally thought to herself "Haha, heh, Dear Diamond, you look pathetic." She shouted bluntly, resulting in the Diamond moaning in response. 'Nailed it.' "Defeat is so not a good look on you." Mabel prided herself on how honest she was to him.

The Diamond, after standing up from his seat, continued to moan as he held his head up like it was going to roll right off. "I, appreciate your tactless approach as always." He responded once he stop waltzing his way up to the showgirl. The dizziness still had yet to wear off, as he tripped over himself and leaned on Mabel for support.

While trying to suppress the exploding happiness about to erupt, she still couldn't help but feel a bit, turned off at the sight of her Diamond at the moment. This clearly wasn't him. "What, what have you been drinking?"

An almost alien smile crept up on the Diamond's face. "It's, it's the only thing I've ever allowed myself to ingest in liquid form, that delicious beverage you keep sending me." He answered with a huge slur.

"Okay, I see what the problem is." She grabs the glass he was holding and examines it. "Yep, you've been drinking expired Mabel juice. While I'm extremely flattered and even more eager to have your babies, I think you've had a bit too much to drink." She takes a huge whiff at it. "Have you even refrigerated this stuff?"

The Diamond semi-listens to what she had said, and responds with the most appropriate answer he could muster up. "I don't know, don't know, don't know what you're talking about. I'm drinking th-that stuff because I can relate to it. It sums up my life in a nutshell." He snatches the glass away from her and drowns it all down in one gulp. "It's highly toxic, deadly, painful to endure, is known to scorch several parts of the body..." He drowned on and own with a dialogue of self pity.

"Look, Dear Diamond.." The Show girl shook the Diamond to grab his attention. "I came here because you told me to, so unless we're about to get serious right now, I think I should depart for the day." She threatened. In truth, she probably would've just sat outside the ship for about 30 minutes until she came back in, expecting to see a much more compliant Diamond that would bow down to her for showing such mercy.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on the perspective, the Diamond slapped himself in the face rather uncharacteristically, and his expression started to slowly form one that was a little more familiar to her. "You're right, I called you here because your the only one I can trust to follow through." Reaching for something that seemed to be buried somewhere in his cape, he kept his attention on Mable as he searched. "You've been like a shadow to me for this entire escapade we've been on, and I, I, I" He struggled to spit out. "..I don't think my time here would've been nearly as, 'enjoyable' as it could've been." He forced out of himself.

That seemed to be all she needed to cast away any doubt. 'Finally, it's all going to begin today'

"What I'm about to purpose is something you might find silly, and maybe a little crazy.."

"I'm already those things, my Diamond."

"It's something that will change everything..

"I'm more than willing to change for you."

"It could prove to be dangerous, even fatal to both of us.."

"Look at me my Diamond." She clenched his cheeks together as she made her point. "I am 100% committed to you. I stood by you because this is where I need to be. This is where I belong by your side, together, with you, forever."

"Than I hope your ready for this." The diamond said as Mabel closed her eyes and leaned forward. One kiss, in one quick act of love, they would officiate their love for one another and finally be able to..

"Okay, than take it." The Diamond, completely oblivious to what the girl was doing, finally stretched out his hand and held something in front of her. "In one move, you can finally end our lives as we know it."

"Yes, of course, we can finally start.." The girl paused for a moment, making her eyes pop out of her socket once she processed what the Diamond had said to her. "End, what do you.." Finally turning her attention to what the Diamond was holding.

It was the memory gun.

"I was thinking about how we were going to go about it." The Diamond mumbled on, dismissing Mabel's confusion. I figured you would shoot me first, and then you would shoot yourself.."

"But.."

"I know, I know, that seems to be a little more uncomfortable, and you'd be least likely to follow through..."

"Dear Diamond.."

"I suppose I can construct another one and we shoot each other at the same time. Of course, that'll probably take some time, and I don't want to drag this on for longer than it needs to be."

"Steven.."

"Of course, I can just set a timer on it, and we can blast ourselves like we're taking a picture. That way, we both get blasted at the same time, and there's no way for either of us to.."

"STEVEN!" Mabel was finally able to interrupt his droning. "What are you talking about, why do you have that thing with you?"

"I said I've given up on life. What did you think that meant?" He asked as if the answer should've been obvious.

"I just thought that meant you've finally soaked up the courage to ask me out, duh." She answered in a similar obnoxious tone. "But what's with the gun? Why all the drama, why bring me here why.."

"Why, why, why anything at all?" The diamond interrupts her once again with a booming voice. "Why life, why prolong it, why are we born, why do we do, why give life a purpose when we're eventually all going to die in the end? Why give in to all the chaos it subjects us to? That's the whole point of this, Mabel" Holding up the memory gun, he points it right to his head. "I've done a lot of thinking, and this, this is out only out. This is how we can end it all." His wide and tired eyes spoke even louder than his words, showing how much thought he had put into this. "If we are going to do anything that matters in the long run, then ending our lives is the only way to do it."

"Okay, okay, you are making this sound way more dreadful with the way you're phrasing this, so please stop." Mabel spoke up once more. She was use to her dear Diamond's blunt nature and disregard for subtlety, even admired it greatly, but this was a bit too much to take in at once. "And are, are you really suggesting that we erase your memories? Leave you with nothing about you"

"Not all of them, just the one's that matter the most." The diamond was quick to answer. "I've rigged it so that we'll be able to keep basic functions and currently levels of intelligence, but lose every defining moment we've had, family, friends, allies, enemies, betrayals, pleasure, pain, everything that makes life what it is. So yes, in a sense, we're going to end our lives today."

"Again, that sounds way too dreadful for you to be so happy about." She augured in slight displeasure. "And why would I want to erase my memories? How will I ever remember the people I've tortured and killed and those that I need to torture and kill later. That includes Dipper you know? Do you really want to forget how much you hate him, how much you want to squeeze the life out of him while also making Pacifica watch? Do you want to give that up."

"Mabel, as satisfying as that sounds, I've already made up my mind about this." He straightened out his posture a little, trying to stand as tall as he could. "Our lives are worthless and don't mean a damn thing to anyone, so if we're going to do anything about the crappiness in our lives, we need to..

SLAP.

The action taken next was quick, but the seconds afterword felt like hours. Neither of them could look at each other without some form of maliciousness taking over. The ends of her nails had drips of blood laced on her, and the mark made on the Diamond face was all too clear.

"You are talking crazy, even more so than usual, Diamond! She continued to speak with the growing fire inside her. "I have had my entire life, leached away by people trying to control my life, and I'm not about to let the pathetic paranoia of the only person I care about ruin what I have!"

"What, what is it about your life that makes it so damn special?!" The Diamond lashed out, ready to fire on the girl if needed to. "If I never came to this planet, if you never met me, what about your life makes it so amazing!? Answer that, and I'll be yours!" That made Mabel's eye's widen. "Yeah, if you give me one reason, than I'll forget the whole thing and be yours, unconditionally forever."

"That's not fair, you know that the only good thing about my life is you!" Mabel lashed back, igniting herself in blue flame once more. "You've actually given my life a reason to exist, I care about something now, and not just the care I had for my brother just because we live together. I have a reason to care about dominating others and subjecting them under my rule."

"Than you have no answer for me, do you?" The diamond asked confidently. "There's nothing about your life that you like, is there?"

"OF COURSE THERE ISN'T, YOU DIAMOND HEADED IDIOT!" Mabel blurted as she unleashed a fireball towards the Diamond. He hardly bothered to doge it as he let it hit him, sending him across the room. "My parents, killed before I could even I could even remember their names. My Uncles, one's an over caring idiot that that'll get himself killed and the other's a control freak that couldn't bother to adopt me the first time around with my brother!" The flames get hotter and hotter as she approached him. "And don't even mention him, that self-serving egotistical buzzkill that did nothing by my side other than use me when it was most coinvent. I don't mind being other peoples tool, but I'm not a tool that you can just cast to the side once your done with it, I'm always here, always serving others in some way, while I always end up alone!" She exploded in a blazing glory, burning her nearby surrounds, including the roof of the ship before finally dying down after taking one long breath. "Except you. You continued to use me, always found a use for me to be around." She chuckles to herself before dropping on the floor, exhausted. "Your the worst person I've ever met, and your the only one who gets me."

"Heheha, this really is pathetic, isn't it." The diamond, staying on the grounds, scoots right next to her. "We're two broken pieces that belong together, but we still remain broken. We're not complete, yet nothing else is able to fit."

The two just laid there in silence for a while, not commenting on anything, just staring at the charred remains of what was left of the ship. It was Mabel who finally broke the silence again. "What made you decide to erase your memories? I know you didn't do that on a whim."

"Heh, remember when I told you why I never look in a mirror, why I always smash one to bits every time I come across one?"

"Yeah, you said you never saw yourself, just the image of your mother, who you hate for making you." She glumly remembered. She sighed sadly. This guy really had no happiness in his life.

"I saw my reflection when I was trying to repair the ship. It was on broken meatal, but still visible." He starts to get uncomfortable at the next part. "I saw her, judging me, scowling me at every action I make. It never went away, no matter how much I pounded it or pleaded with it. So, I closed my eyes, and imagined my life if Yellow Diamond was never in the picture." He smiles a little more. "No homeworld, no Diamonds, no training, no abuse, and for the first time, I saw what was underneath everything."

"What?"

"Nothing. My entire life is nothing but the hand of Yellow Diamond stretching over me!" He shouted elatedly. "So I thought, if I rid myself of her, If I rid myself of everything that was started by her manipulations, I could start clean, no manipulations, no other forces making do what I want. Just nothing!"

"But, you'll only be nothing." She said with concern. The idea seemed to make him happy, but it was hard to understand why.

"Exactly! Humans are nothing, they go about their lives, living by morals and standards they pick out for themselves. There's nothing, no pain attached, no anything, and I'm half Diamond. I could fixate my own path that has nothing to do with Yellow Diamond. Finally, I'll be free from her.!" He finally allowed himself to breathed as he slowed down. "My whole life, I could see everything coming a mile away. I could only see pain and agony, even when I was little. But if I take this route now, I could at least forget what's ahead, no past, no present, nothing but unseen future ahead."

"Then, why me? Why do you want both of our memories taken?"

"Like I said, we're two broken pieces that somehow are able to connect." Both of the kids fell got up and stared at each other, the Diamond clearly having more difficulty doing so. "We belong to nothing else, and if I'm about to restart everything, I would rather be complete than broken alone."

Taking her hand, she rubbed it against the scarred face of the Diamond. He was way beyond his marbles by this point. Then again, she didn't exactly have any to begin with. "That may be the most crapped up thing someone's ever said to me." Both of them chuckled at the dysfunction of the situation. "But it's also the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

"So this fall wont kill us?" Mabel said as she looked down from the height. Going through on the Diamond's desperate plan, she sat at the edge and stared out at the town. The blue blaze hadn't stopped, and had only spread across, showing no sign of stopping.

"No. There's way to much trees and foliage. They'll soften out landing before we hit the ground." The diamond explained as he set up the Memory gun. "Once the gun fires at us, whatever's left of the ship will self-destruct, and the resulting shockwave will send out disoriented bodies off the cliff and into the unknowns of the forest."

"Right, because if the explosion doesn't kill us, the many monsters and creatures that live in the woods definitely will." She said sarcastically.

"It's the only secluded spot I could find that doesn't lead back here, and once our memories are gone, I want to make sure we're as far away from the spot as possible to prevent any chance of memory recoil." He responded as he final got the gun ready and sat down beside her. "Everything's ready now. All there is to do is to wait out the timer."

"Hah, this should be fun." Both kids, sharing the same concern and uncertainty, couldn't help but look at each other. They've treated each other so horribly in the past, one more than the other. Every sign pointed in the opposite direction, they were people that should never be with each other.

But they were the only comfort the other had. They didn't have anyone one else but each other. "We're stuck in a giant crack, aren't we?" The diamond asked her. "We're stuck in the middle of a giant crack. We're either going to get out of it or fall into the darkness of it once that timer goes off."

"I guess." She shrugged with discomfort. This was far from what she had planned for today, or tomorrow, or the rest of her future. "Do you think we've could've been better if given the chance?"

"Personally, not really." He sighed sadly. "I always thought I was born broken, the cracks that formed throughout my life creating leaks that drained away whatever goodness I had inside, giving me no chance whatsoever on whatever it threw in my direction." He bluntly said with a small frown. "But I guess this whole memory erase thing's going to prove whether or not that's true.

"Life just a series of closing doors that just slams you in the face, right?" The Diamond nodded as the both stared out at the blue flame that had only now started to die down. "I guess this is goodbye."

"Not it's not, technically. Sure, when we meet again, we won't know who we are, but we'll still be together I guess, unless we decide to split up.." She spoke, bringing up a lot more holes in this plan than she meant to. "Let's just say this isn't a goobye, just a see you later." She held out her hand.

In probably the only kind gesture he's given since she's known him, he took her hand, and held it in his end. "Alright, see you lat..."

FLASH

[matrixaffiliate]

Glimpsing Happiness

Co-written with @hufflepuffmarlenemckinnon

FFN and AO3

Chapter 17

The past six weeks had involved a lot of sitting and waiting. It couldn’t be helped. That was the nature of the beast, so to speak. He had managed a certain degree of patience through the whole thing, until three days prior. The doctor’s visit that day had pushed him over the edge.

The modest improvements in sight were exciting, of course. It was a good sign when he started to see colors and then vaguely outlined shapes. But it didn’t become real until the day a specialist came in with all manner of tests and came to the conclusion that his current vision could be corrected to a functioning level with strong prescription glasses.

Of course, that news came with the expectation that he’d be sent to Europe, but it seemed there was some sort of regulation that he didn't quite meet. But he was told he’d still be of use to the army.

Translators were needed in London, to interpret German radio transmissions. Sirius, by virtue of his family background, spoke German from the nursery. Like it or not, German was his mother tongue. As much as he’d wanted to erase and forget everything German about himself, he was glad that some good might come of it. It would be poetic justice if he could use the tools his parents imparted on him to fight against the evil that they supported. His mother would be disgusted. That was always a nice bonus.

The three days he waited to have his sight handed back to him were some of the most restless days of his 25 years on this earth. He was on edge every minute. He’d gone over in his head every possible way it could go, and quite a few scenarios that were entirely impossible. Waiting was hell. Luckily, Hell’s secretary was good company.

She was over-worked and worn down, but the moments that he got to spend with her were like a cooling salve on the burning suspense that had taken over his thoughts almost entirely. When he told her that he’d be in London she didn’t react like he’d imagined. Perhaps she couldn’t be happy about his leaving at all, and he could understand the sadness in not being able to be together and have those treasured moments every day. But he also saw the other side of things. Once he was no longer a patient there was the opportunity to be together properly and in the open. He wanted to do things right. She deserved that. She deserved so much.

It just so happened that while he was daydreaming of her, he heard the door latch followed by her footsteps he looked up and saw the golden color of her hair mixed with the gray of her veil.

“Sunshine.”

“Captain.” he could hear the smile in her voice as she made her show of an effort at propriety.

“I was just thinking of you.” He didn’t even try to keep the stupid smile off his face. She must have been well aware of what she’d done to him.

“I’ve been tasked with delivering something to you.” Her tone was sing-song and gave away her uncharacteristic excitement. She hadn’t managed the energy to be excited much recently, but for this, it was different.

She got to be the first sight he took in with the glasses she placed carefully into his hand.

He hadn’t expected that she’d manage this. But he knew for certain he didn’t want this experience to play out in front of the still very unwelcome audience of Frenchmen. Luckily he was pretty good at thinking on the fly.

“Sister Marlene, can I ask a favor?” He used her proper form of address so as to be especially clear about the show he was putting on.

“Have I not done enough for you, Captain Black?” She was laughing at him, and the sound was music to his ears.

“I’m afraid not. I was hoping you’d come with me outside to the grounds? I thought that I’d like for the first sight I take in to be out in the daylight and slightly less… French.” The drop in his voice at the end of his sentence served to make sure she understood exactly what he was hoping for when he said he wanted to go out onto the grounds.

He heard the little breath of laughter that Marlene failed to hold in. He was pretty pleased with himself. He was pretty pleased in general, as Marlene took him by the hand and started leading him out.

When the fresh air of the outside hit him he heard her whisper. “I’m fairly certain you’re going to be the death of me, Sirius.”

“I just want a chance to fully appreciate you. You wouldn’t deny me that, would you?” He doubted he would ever be able to appreciate her fully enough for his liking. Not even if he had an eternity to do so.

“I have doubts that I’ll live up to whatever it is you’ve built up in your head, but we’re outside, and alone I might add, so you should go on ahead.” She let loose her grip on his hand.

“Marlene you can’t really think that. You know how I feel about you.”

“I do?” There was something to her voice that was off. Did she not know?

“Really?” He placed his hands on her shoulders. "I thought I was the blind one here. I love you. I love you so much that there is nothing those glasses could show me that would make me think you’re anything less than perfect. Did I really have to say all that? I’ve been thinking it very loudly for weeks.”

It was quiet for a beat, and then her soft hands were pulling his face down to her and her lips brushed against his for the briefest moment, but that moment seemed to last forever. When she pulled back, her choked voice whispered against him.

“I love you.” And she slid his glasses on his face.

His heart felt like it did a flip inside of his chest and the world came into view for the first time in six weeks. Or possibly the first time ever.

The woman he’d fallen in love with stood right there, looking up at him with blue eyes like he’d never seen before. Bright blue like a clear sky. He could get lost in them. Her veil covered most of her blonde hair, and tentatively he pulled it back, releasing her golden curls into the sunlight. She was beautiful! He had to wonder if he’d inadvertently triggered some sort of ancient good luck spell. Because this was really just too much to have happened by chance. He brought a hand up to her pinkish cheeks as he took in the sort of glowing beauty that would have brought him to his knees even before all this. She was exactly as radiant as the Sunshine.

“There’s my Sunshine.”

His gaze dropped to her lips and he knew he’d made the right call, doing this in relative privacy. Seeing those pouty lips and not kissing them would have been next to impossible. But between the giant elm trees on what looked like massive grounds, he needn’t be cautious.

He looked back to her gorgeous blue eyes just before he went in for a kiss so sweet that he could hardly bear it. He had to break away and look at her again. Having vision never seemed all that amazing until he’d parted with it, but now he was certain that he’d never take it for granted. He was going to really enjoy looking at Marlene for the rest of his life.

Sirius was never good about planning his words. It was a real chore to have to wait for Andromeda to hunt down Grandmother Irma’s jewelry. He’d really hoped that he’d have it so he could make it official as soon as he no longer looked like an unusually happy vagrant. But he stayed his will and went against his natural tendency to let his heart lead. His head knew that he only got one chance to propose and Marlene deserved better than to look back all her life on promising her hand in marriage to a newly bespectacled vagrant with no ring.

So he just stared at her smiling like an idiot until it occurred to him that she… had tears forming in her eyes? They didn’t look like happy tears?

“You’ve been working so hard. Is there anything I can do? These tears are breaking my heart.”

She leaned her head into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and ran his hand over her curls. She was sadder than he could understand. Something was happening that she wasn’t telling him about. He wanted to fix it for her, whatever it was, but he knew not everything was so simple. He’d need to be patient and wait for her to decide to open up to him. He’d be there for her when she did.

He kissed the top of her head gently. He would be there for her always. No matter what.

[softedwin]

hitting on you - chapter 2

finally updated! enjoy <3

[first chapter][second chapter]

Isak stood in front of the mirror, trying to decide whether or not he should actually go with the sweatshirt he was wearing right now. It wasn’t like him to think about it that much and especially not for this long. Usually he would just throw on whatever made him feel comfortable. But today he would meet Even after school for their coffee date and he wanted to look good, okay? So he put extra effort into it. Isak couldn’t help the small smile on his lips as the word ‘date’ popped into his head. He still couldn’t believe this was actually happening only because he punched him in the face. What a story to tell the grandkids.

He was jolted out of his daydreams when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Confused he looked down on the screen as he had received a text message from an unknown number.

(07:25) Unknown: Hi, this is Even. I have to cancel our plans today. Family stuff came up. I’m sorry.

Isak could feel the disappointment rise inside his chest while his heart sunk a bit more with every word.

(07:26) Even: but we are definitely going on that date.

The promise of rescheduling made him feel only a tad better but his mood for the day had already been ruined. He decided to leave whatever he was wearing on since it didn’t matter anymore now. While Isak put on his red snapback, he texted back ‘Okay’ and then put his phone away again. He felt it vibrate one more time but he didn’t bother looking, didn’t want to. Isak just grabbed his backpack and made his way to school. His friends obviously noticed the bad mood he was in but nobody dared to ask. Considering the very grumpy expression he had on his face, they feared he would lash out if anyone even questioned what was going on. Isak didn’t want to be like this but he couldn’t help it, okay?

“So… Emma’s party on Friday. You’re coming with us?” Jonas asked tentatively. Isak thought about that for a moment. He really wanted to go out but why did it have to be at Emma’s? Even if he tried really hard, he couldn’t hide from her. He sighed and eventually nodded, willing to put up with her if that meant he could wasted. Sometimes he really regretted that he had pretended to be straight in front of his friends and had made out with Emma to prove his point. He wouldn’t have this problem then.

Jonas clapped him on the shoulder while Magnus and Mahdi both gave him a thumb up and it was for the first time today that a small smile appeared on his lips. His friends maybe sucked sometimes but they were still the best friends he could possibly ask for.

When he came home from school, he didn’t check his phone immediately, although he knew that there was at least one unread message from Even. Instead Isak went into the kitchen to make himself a toast. Lots of toast, actually. After he was done eating, he retreated to his room, doing his homework, watching dumb Youtube videos. Whatever you did when you were conveniently trying to ignore a text. But Isak knew he couldn’t keep up this childish behavior forever, so he had to check eventually.

(07:30) Even: are you free on Saturday? or maybe next week? we can hang out then if you want to?

(20:00) Isak: Saturday sounds good :)

(21:34) Even: then Saturday it is I’m really looking forward to it

(21:37) Isak: me too

They texted back and forth for a while, talking about everything and nothing. An outraged Even threatened to come over right this minute and make him sit through all the classic movies because Isak hadn’t seen most of them. He promised Even he would watch them eventually, mostly to calm him down.

(22:55) Even: Cancel all your plans, we are going to watch some next weekend

(22:58) Isak: what is your definition of ‘some’?

(23:00) Even: let’s just say you won’t be getting any sleep this weekend

(23:00) Isak: ;))

(23:02) Even: Isak Valtersen, are you being flirty right now?

(23:04) Isak: maybe

(23:04) Even: then it’s a date

(23:07) Isak: we haven’t even been on the coffee thing and you’re already planning the next one?

(23:08) Even: well yeah

(23:09) Isak: you’re incredible

(23:09) Even: I know, I’ve been told before

(23:11) Isak: shut up

(23:12) Even: AND DANCE WITH ME

(23:13) Isak: oh my god you are actually the worst

(23:15) Even: I am not and you know it And I bet I made you smile

(23:18) Isak: maybe We can dance on Friday though, Emma is having a party

(23:20) Even: so who’s the one planning dates now, huh?

(23:20) Isak: shut up

(23:21) Even: do you really wanna repeat this

(23:22) Isak: no

(23:24) Even: that’s what I thought I would love to come though

(23:28) Isak: cool

Isak smiled to himself as he reread the texts. He couldn’t believe this was real and happening. And now he even had a reason to look forward to Friday. The thought alone of them dancing together made him feel all giddy and warm inside. When he looked at the time though, he was surprised that it was already this late. He was focused so much on texting Even, he hadn’t realized how fast the time had gone by.

(23:35) Isak: hate to end this but I gotta go. It’s late and I got this test tomorrow That I have definitely studied for

(23:37) Even: haha okay. Sleep well and good luck with your test tomorrow

(23:40) Isak: if I fail this, it’s your fault

(23:40) Even: how is it my fault??

(23:42) Isak: well I’ve been texting you all night, you kept me from studying

(23:43) Even: that’s what you call no self-control And it’s not my fault I am this amazing And if I had known you had to study, I would have stopped So this is all on you

(23:46) Isak: yeah yeah whatever. Good night

Eventually, he turned off his phone and went to bed. He would just cram tomorrow morning before school.  

--

Friday rolled around sooner than he thought and Isak was actually really excited to go to the party tonight. Currently, he was pregaming with the guys at Jonas’ and he had already had his fair share of alcohol but he didn’t care. Tonight was going to be awesome.

“So, Even’s coming, too?” Jonas eventually asked and Isak only nodded.

“Wow, you’re incredible,” Magnus suddenly blurted out and the statement admittedly confused him a bit. He knew he was amazing but… why? He looked at his friend and waited for him to continue. “I mean, you punched the guy in the face and he’s still willing to go out with you? How do you do it? How are you able to charm people like that? I will never get it.”

Isak burst out in laughter at that and shrugged. “Probably because I’m not desperate like you.”

“You were pretty desperate to get a piece of Even.”

“I didn’t reach your level of desperation though. And even if I did, I don’t let it show.”

Magnus could only shake his head, still in awe of Isak’s charming skills.

They left the building around 9pm and made their way to Emma’s. Since her house was only 10 minutes away from Jonas’, they decided to walk the entire way, enjoying the crisp air. It was a fairly quiet and beautiful night outside with stars shining so bright you could recognize some of the constellations. Isak liked staring at the night sky. It reminded him of all these infinities, how small each of them were compared to the rest of the universe. How nothing actually mattered in the end because the universe had a plan set out for you and everything was already carved into stone. One would think that the thought might be terrifying, not being in control of whatever happens to you. But for some reason looking at the sky, with these thoughts running through his head, it was calming. It lifted a burden off of his shoulders. He wasn’t in control of everything and that was okay. It all happened for a reason and all that can happen will happen.

His train of thought was interrupted by his phone notifying him that he just received a text. He fished the device out of his pocket and unlocked it to see a message from Even.

(21:04) Even: I’ll be a little late. Hope that’s okay.

(21:04) Isak: as long as you show up

(21:05) Even: of course

(21:06) Isak: good :)

“Who is it?” Magnus inquired as he had noticed Isak typing away on his phone.

“It’s Even. He said he’ll show up later.”

“But he will definitely come, right?” Jonas asked him and he couldn’t help but pick up on the worry that was laced inside his voice. Isak had eventually told them that Even had cancelled on Tuesday, so he kind of saw where his concern was coming from.

Isak nodded in response and as he realized that Even wouldn’t text back, he put his phone away again. They continued their walk in silence until they finally reached Emma’s. When the boys entered the building, the party was already in full swing, and the birthday girl greeted them overly excited once she spotted them. They all wished her a happy birthday and hugged her although she did linger a bit longer on Isak than the other guys. It only made him slightly uncomfortable. He excused himself to get beer and left his friends with Emma. If the party was already starting out like this, with Emma being all over him, he definitely needed to get drunker. At least until Even arrived.

He returned to his friends and saw that Emma had already moved on to the next group that had appeared. Sighing with relief, Isak handed each of them a bottle of beer and after they all clinked their bottles with one another, he started drinking. And drinking and drinking. Isak himself wouldn’t say he was completely wasted but his friends would beg to differ.

When he checked his phone, it was already 22:30 and Even had still not shown up. Or at least Isak hadn’t seen him yet. But he was drunk and happy and enjoying himself and didn’t want to think about Even standing him up yet again. So instead he was dancing carelessly like nobody was watching. For a moment he didn’t even mind dancing with Emma. What he did mind though was her suddenly kissing him out of nowhere. Isak didn’t kiss her back but pushed her away instead.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked her irritated and wiped over his lips with his hand, wanting to get rid of the feeling of her lips touching his.

“I’m kissing you? Obviously?” she answered, confused and angry at the same time.

“But why?”

“Because we’re together.” It wasn’t even a question this time, just a statement, and Emma seemed to be so sure of it. But all Isak wanted to do was laugh because what the hell?

“I’m sorry to break this to you but we are not together. Never have been, never will be. I am not interested in you. At all. Please take a fucking hint and leave me alone.”

He could see tears forming in her eyes and yes, maybe he shouldn’t have been such an asshole about it but it was also probably the alcohol speaking. At least that was what Isak would tell himself in the morning to feel better. But right now he couldn’t care less. His eyes followed her when she turned away from him and ran into the other direction crying. And that was when he spotted Even standing in the doorway frozen, disappointment clear on his face. He had probably witnessed everything.

Oh shit, Isak thought, perfect timing as always, Valtersen.

Isak looked at him like he had been caught doing something bad and well, technically, that wasn’t quite wrong. He wanted to move, go over to Even and explain everything. Tell him that it wasn’t how it looked like, like they did in the movies. But he didn’t even get the chance. The other boy was already on his way over, confident in his stride as if he hadn’t just seen his crush kissing another girl. Isak didn’t do anything to hide his surprise that Even was coming over and wanted to talk to him. Didn’t people usually run away in a situation like this? Too hurt by what happened to confront them? Or was that only a thing that happened in the movies and real life human beings actually sorted this stuff out like grownups?

When he came to a halt in front of him, Isak found it incredibly hard to read his facial expression and he wasn’t sure if he could blame it on the alcohol.

“Girlfriend trouble?” Even asked, raising an eyebrow. There was no anger, hurt or disappointment in his voice. Just indifference, as if this whole situation didn’t bother him in the slightest.

Isak let out the longest sigh of his life and became obviously frustrated. “She is  not  my girlfriend,” he replied, emphasizing the word ‘not’ in particular. People needed to stop thinking that.

“Well, she seemed pretty convinced she was.”

“Yeah, well, she is not, though. We made out at a party at the beginning of the school year once and ever since then she thought we were dating or some shit. Which is ridiculous because I don’t even like girls that way.” He blurted out the confession without actually meaning to and Even looked as surprised as Isak felt. Of course, he had said it before when he came out to the guys but it still felt weird saying it out loud. Especially with a fuck ton of people around who could, and possibly may, have heard. Suddenly, he was very, very uncomfortable.

Even seemed to notice that and nodded curtly as if Isak’s explanation was enough for him. “You wanna get out of here?”

In another universe, if the party had gone differently, if Even had shown up on time and they would have danced in the corner of the room, maybe even grinding against each other, the words would have had a different meaning for him. It would lead to a messy make out session, maybe they would even exchange some sloppy drunken handjobs. But right now, in this universe, he was offering a lifeline that Isak desperately needed and was more than willing to take. Even didn’t even have to do this for him, considering he could have chosen to stay angry at him but he didn’t. And Isak was eternally grateful for that.

Once Isak got his jacket, they got the hell out of there. As soon as his face hit the cold night air, he felt like he could finally breathe again. The high of being drunk was gone, replaced by nausea and soberness.

“Where do you want to go?” Even asked.

Isak just shrugged. “I don’t know. Somewhere else that isn’t this place.”

“Do you wanna go home?”

Again, he shrugged. “Can we just walk around for a bit? I think I could use the fresh air.”

Even nodded and they started walking around randomly. Isak didn’t know where they were going but right now, he couldn’t care less. He needed to get away from this party, as far as possible. It was quiet, a weird awkward silence with too much tension building up between the two of them, and it made Isak fidgety. As he was about to say something, Even beat him to it.

“Are you okay?” he asked, genuine concern in his voice.

“I will be,” Isak replied, avoiding Even’s gaze and looking down on the pavement in front of him. “I mean, I’ll be known as the guy who broke a girl’s heart on her birthday but it’ll pass. No one is going to talk about it anymore in a few weeks.” He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Even or himself. Probably himself.

Even nodded as if to confirm his theory and then was quiet afterwards. Silence fell over them again, less heavy but still very tense. Eventually they reached a small park and once Isak spotted the bench, he was heading for it determinedly. He needed to sit down, even just for a moment. He let himself fall on it and waited for Even to join him. After he sat down, Isak spoke up again.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. It was obvious that Even waited for him to elaborate on that, so he continued, “I didn’t want tonight to go like this. And I definitely didn’t want to kiss Emma or for you to see it.”

Even raised an eyebrow at him and although he probably knew the answer already, he asked anyway. “Why?”

And Isak wanted to laugh because wasn’t this obvious? Was Even really going to make him say it? He sighed and shook his head. “I didn’t want you to think like everyone else that I have a thing with her. I wouldn’t like her even if I was straight.”

It surprised him that Even nodded in agreement. “Yeah, she can be a bit too much.” And he grinned at him and although his comment only made him feel a tad better, he couldn’t help but smile back. The tension was slowly seeping out of his body and it seemed like he could finally relax again.

Suddenly, there was a strong breeze around them, making Isak sling his arms around his body. Obviously, Even noticed that, so he moved closer to him on the bench.

“Are you cold? Do you want my jacket?”

Was this the part where he accepted the offer, put it on, and then when he walked home later, he would remember that he was still wearing it? And when he got into his room, he would fall asleep cuddling the clothing, having a reason to text his crush the next morning? He had to remind himself that his life wasn’t a cheesy love movie and that it wasn’t even  that cold for him to need Even’s jacket. So Isak looked at him for a moment but then shook his head. No, he was completely fine on his own.

“Well, if you don’t want my jacket, maybe you want to cuddle?” he asked with a slight grin on his face, raising an eyebrow.

Isak’s head shot up at that, maybe a bit too fast. The guy couldn’t have been for real, right? He was clearly and obviously messing with him. He threw him a suspicious look and then shook his head yet again. “Not big on cuddling.” Which was definitely a lie but he didn’t need to know that and Isak didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Even. Though, Isak couldn’t help but shift closer to the other boy, the warmth radiating off of him drawing him in. He may or may not have seen a small smile hushing over his lips.

Even started talking about his favorite movie again for which he judged him hardcore.  Romeo + Juliet , really? Come on! While Even looked down at his feet, he only told Isak to shut up and that this movie was on his list for next weekend when they would do the movie marathon together. Eventually, they fell into silence again and Isak started looking around. It should have been creepy, being out here at night, but seeing the park in complete silence, the rustling of the leaves being the only sound, he weirdly felt at peace and a certain kind of calmness. But maybe that was only because of Even. Isak didn’t know how long they had been sitting like this. Probably a while, but he didn’t mind. He was comfortable. It didn’t take much longer for Even to disrupt the quietness of the situation, though.

“So, earlier. We talked about a lot of things you don’t want. But what do you actually want? Like right now. Tell me one thing that you want,” he wondered but sounded enthusiastic at the same time.

You was the first thing that came to his mind but obviously, Isak didn’t dare say it. His eyes darted down towards Even’s lips but instantly stopped when he caught himself.

“For the world to stop spinning for a while, so I can take a break,” Isak groaned instead while resting his head on his hands.

“Wow, that’s deep,” he replied while bumping their shoulders playfully, “I thought you were going to say something like weed or more alcohol or a bed.” Another grin flashed over his face.

He could still feel the warmth where they had touched, and Isak turned his head, looking directly at Even now. He couldn’t help but reciprocate that grin. “A bed actually sounds fucking great right now. I changed my mind, I want a bed.”

Even’s laugh was loud and clear in the otherwise silent park and Isak decided right then and there that it was his favorite sound. “Okay, okay, we’ll get you into a bed.”

Isak raised an eyebrow at Even and then wiggled them suggestively. It was only then that Even seemed to realize what he had said and Isak couldn’t believe his own eyes when his cheeks turned a tad pink. Even was actually  blushing . “Oh God, that’s not what I meant!” he exclaimed and laughed. Isak couldn’t hold back anymore and joined him, the sound of their laughter filling the air.

“No, but seriously, do you want to go home?” Even asked, slowly coming down from the high.

Actually, he didn’t really want to go home if he thought about it. He wanted to stay here with Even, talking to him all night long. But he could also feel himself get tired, the aftermath of the alcohol gradually wearing him out.

Eventually, he nodded shortly and got up from the bench, waiting for Even to follow him suit. Isak walked slowly on purpose, wanting to relish in these last minutes of the night he had with Even although they were walking in silence yet again. But this time it was comfortable, no tension at all. It didn’t take them long until they stopped in front of Isak’s apartment and had to say their goodbyes. For a second, he was just shuffling his feet awkwardly, not knowing what to say. As always, it was Even who talked first.

“So, now that I know where you live I can actually come pick you up tomorrow.” Isak was confused for a moment and it clearly showed on his face. “For our coffee date?”

“Wait, what? You still want to go on that date with me?” he asked, baffled.

“Uh, yeah, why not?”

“After the mess tonight has been?”

“Well, I would say the first half of the night was a mess. The other half was kind of great, though,” Even replied, smiling genuinely at Isak. “So I am positive that tomorrow will be even better. Especially when you’re sober and not going around kissing girls.”

“Hey!” Isak protested, “she kissed me!”

“Anyway,” Even ignored him deliberately, not being able to keep the smile off his face, “you’re probably going to be hungover tomorrow and can’t function until noon, so I would suggest I pick you up in the afternoon? Around three?”

Isak nodded and cracked a smile. “Sounds good.”

“Good.”

They stared at each other for a moment, the tension rising up again. It would be the perfect timing for a kiss. The kind you always see in movies, the kiss on the doorstep shortly before they bid their date goodnight and finally go into their apartment. But Isak’s life wasn’t a movie and he had never kissed a guy before. So when Even came closer, he went in for a hug, thanked him again for being there for him tonight and basically fled into the building. He panicked, okay? As soon as the door shut close behind him, he wanted to bang his head against a wall because  what the fuck, Isak?

[iamkindling]

I picked the worst year to stop taking my meds (part two): a family matter

I was a a pretty angsty kid, and an even angstier teen. I’d feel bad for my parents for having to deal with my me, but I don’t, because boy howdy, I could have been a lot worse. All things considered, I was a damn good kid to raise.

I participated in extracurricular activities, sang in the church choir, preferred books to TV, all those good things. I was reasonably obedient, tried to do my chores when I was told, and usually felt genuine guilt when I did something wrong.

My first distinct memories of depression are from when I was about ten years old. That’s when I-

- Started seeking solitude because I couldn’t understand or identify with the unrelenting optimism of some of my peers

- First realized the gravity of death

- Began to doubt that God had anyone’s best interest at heart

Depression began with those things, and anxiety followed quickly on its footsteps. I developed a phobia of the sound of the phone ringing. That was how news was delivered. And most news was bad news those days.

My family is deeply religious. I don’t blame them. Christianity has been good to them, for the most part. There is value in shared community and common beliefs and goals. I don’t think anyone doubts that. But I began to find religion deeply troubling at a young age. I couldn’t understand a god who could speak of vengeance and forgiveness, who could promise peace and rain down destruction, who could tout acceptance but encourage judgement and death at every turn.

I couldn’t understand how God could answer my fervent prayers for a little brother, only to snatch him away, and almost take my mom, too.

Less than a year after a turbulent miscarriage, my mother became pregnant again. Due to tense family situations I still don’t fully understand (and probably never will), my parents decided it would be best if we kept my mom’s pregnancy a secret. We didn’t tell anyone. Not relatives, not friends, nobody. It was a strange thing to ask of a ten year old still grappling with grief. Not only did I feel silenced by my parents’ request, I felt silenced by my lack of friends (I couldn’t have anyone come over to visit, and I felt intensely socially awkward), and by my family’s situation (complaints felt unwarranted and trivial; my brother was dead, what did I have to complain about?). I began to feel reluctant to form attachments, even to the thing growing in my mother’s belly. Impermanence was a brand new concept. I could think of little else.

Through it all my family relied on faith. Even after my youngest sister was born (healthy baby and mom, no further complications) and we’d told all the relevant parties (I remember my mom’s first conversation with her mother about the new grandchild quite clearly), the memories of that bizarre year followed me. It still does, well over a decade later. Lots of my family’s “church friends” discussed the miscarriage in terms of a “trial” to “prepare the way” for my family and my youngest sister.

I’ve never thought of my brother in that way. I refuse to. If causing suffering and confusion was part of god’s “plan,” I wanted no part in it.

I began to doubt early, and doubted for a good ten years before I realized I wasn’t religious any longer. If anything has given me lasting peace about my brother’s death and the turmoil my family went through in those days, it’s been my realization that it wasn’t part of a plan. I think my family fiends peace in their belief that it was.

I did my best to stick to the program in my teen years. I attended church, participated in clubs, plays, Bible studies, retreats, and church camps. I served in the youth ministry at church as a leader, wrote plays based on Bible stories, and invited my “unsaved” friends at school to go to wednesday night youth group activities. But I did plenty of things in the “secular” world, too.

Marching band, show choir, and school plays teach more than just performance and artistry. Most of what I learned about sex, dating, swearing, and popular culture came from those activities. They were the few places I could be my “non-church” self at without fear of repercussions. I made friends my parents wouldn’t approve of, which was a fantastic thing. I learned the value of earned camaraderie, sarcasm, and confidence from my secular peers. I began to value my time away from home more than I valued time at home. I began to fear going home because I didn’t feel myself there. I began to dislike home because it meant I had to stay quiet while I listened to my father rail against things I began to identify with.

Once while driving me to school, my dad passed one of my friends who was walking on the sidewalk. She was listening to music and singing aloud. My dad scowled, then laughed and shook his head. It was clear he thought she was stupid or crazy. “Don’t wind up like that,” he told me. My junior year of high school I got permission to host the school play cast party at my house. My parents mentioned they wouldn’t be pleased if a certain cast member showed up because he was homosexual, and didn’t want that kind of “influence” around their home. I didn’t tell that particular friend (because he was, truly, a good friend of mine) what they’d said, but I think he knew.

My family was in a constant state of stress. Something was always happening. Usually “bad” things. Small things to stress over, argue over, pick fights over. And if something wasn’t happening, they’d find something to pick on until something happened. I think we all thrived on conflict. There were four kids in all, so my mom was constantly busy either shuttling my older sister and I to jobs or activities, or mothering my two much younger siblings. My father traveled frequently for work. There wasn’t much time for peace, so peace didn’t exist. Everyone was busy. Everyone was afraid to slow down.

At the close of my freshman year of high school, I realized I wouldn’t have school as a buffer for a few months over summer break. I’d be losing not only my friends who were seniors, but also my oldest sister to college, and soon. When I tried to express my grief to my parents about it, my mother insisted on taking me to a nutritionist, certain that if I changed the way I ate, I’d be more level, rational, less emotionally “volatile.”

So for a year I ate nothing but beans, vegetables, and meat. My moods still swung. Diets can only do so much, but I went along with it at the time, desperately hopeful that something could help me. I felt that something was wrong with me, that I was somehow going crazy, that I was “different” from my peers and had to find the switch to flip that would make everything better. I started to have frequent panic attacks. I started to have thoughts that transfigured into vivid daydreams and then brief hallucinations that scared the shit out of me. I saw tragedies strike too close to home far too frequently, to the point where I believed that if I wasn’t next, I was at least in line. That attitude continued until I finished college. It probably still continues a bit, but I’ve found myself being able to imagine my future self in more realistic terms. Does that sound normal? I hope so.

In an effort to cope with my teen “angst,” “moodiness,” “dramatics,” and other such terms I’ve now been able to classify as simply depression, my parents found ways to control and punish. I loved to read so they took away my books. I loved music so they took away my CDs. They’d often forbid me to see friends, participate in activities (even at church), and a few times, they confiscated my journals, diaries, notebooks I’d write stories in, having “family meetings” to discuss what they found. They sent me to church camps over the summer because they “couldn’t handle me and needed a week off.” They had friends at the high school I attended (support staff) and threatened to have them watch me and report back to them. While I’m not against certain parenting strategies and monitoring a child’s behavior, what my parents did made me feel beyond paranoid.

So I found things I could control.

I developed an eating disorder (my views on food and what it could or couldn’t do were already skewed).

I learned how to hurt myself in ways that wouldn’t leave scars (it didn’t work every time. I still have some). One day at school my best friend revealed to me that she’d started self-harming recently, trying to escape the stress of her home life. I stared at her in shock, grabbed her hand, and said “me, too.” Our bond strengthened.

I learned how to lie.

I developed friendships with a lot of people my parents would never “approve” of in a million years. They assumed it was to grind their gears. It was more because I desperately needed a change, any change, anything that would remind me that what I had wasn’t all there was.

My parents didn’t know about the cutting, or that I was starving myself, that my friends knew more about me than they did, that I was hiding things from them that were pivotal, that I didn’t believe they could or would ever help me with.

One afternoon in late 2013, a week after my second conversation with the campus counselor, I called my mother to tell her I wanted to go on medication. My parents frequently said that I was always in the midst of a “spiritual battle.” I was terrified they’d use my new desire to medicate as more ammunition against me. I don’t remember the specifics of the conversation. I do remember that I shook almost uncontrollably through the whole thing. I could barely hold the phone against my ear; my hand went numb from fear. But by the end of the conversation, my mother had promised a visit to the family physician when I went home for Christmas break, on the condition that I visit a nutritionist of her choice, too.

I told my mom I loved her and ended the call. My boyfriend squeezed my hand, and I cried.

It was still tentative. But it was the biggest concrete step towards healing I’d ever made.

Next:

I picked the worst year to stop taking my meds (part three): the first day