#i make more in a grocery/cafe than i would adjuncting

[lets-steal-an-archive]

"Every ordinary person around my age has a secret self from before the crash, one who dared to dream of more than a life of necessities reclassified as luxuries. There are marriages that never happened, children never born, chances never taken, because the struggle to hang on to what you have is so great that it hurts your heart to hope for more. You can't afford the literal cost, and you can't afford the psychic cost. In the postemployment economy, a generation learned to manage its expectations.

The rage, though — that stays with you."

— Sarah Kendzior, Hiding in Plain Sight: The Invention of Donald Trump

[belaborthepoint]

Why I chose to abandon food for expensive tan-colored liquid

by columnist Ashley P. Ashleigh 

This week in Health and Living: 

Does anyone remember that Spongebob episode (I know, this reference is dating me — I'll admit it! I'm in my early twenties!) where they realize the inside of the krabby patty is this gross grey sludge? I think the Krusty Krab like changed ownership or something? Right? So everyone found the grey sludge really disgusting. The writers of that episode were like "this is gross, and everyone in Bikini Bottom would be so horrified if they found out their mouth-watering meals were made of grey sludge." And I remember being confused, because I have always wanted to eat grey sludge instead of real food. And now, I can. In this blog post, I will explain the personal considerations that influenced my decision to transition from food to expensive tan-colored liquid.

First of all, cooking is cumbersome. Food prep alone is a massive burden. There's nothing I hate more than taking a knife and slathering something all over a piece of bread, and then taking the time to chew it. When I think of the collective minutes of my life that I have sacrificed to the drudgery of picking things up and moving my teeth around, it makes me wish I'd never been born, because to waste my precious time on this earth in such a way is to demean the value of human life. Ultimately, my decision to consume tan-colored liquid instead of food is a spiritual choice, and reflects my philosophy about living with a sense of purpose.

If you know anything about me, you know that I am a tech fanatic. Which is crazy, because I'm a girl. Most people know that girls are bad at STEM subjects, but what they don't know is that we're only stupid because we choose to spend our time creating hair and makeup tutorials on youtube. We don't necessarily lack the capability for complex thinking, it's just not something we prioritize. I didn't care about hard science at all, until I realized that if I did technology stuff, I could get paid more than minimum wage. It's really embarrassing to think that just one year ago, I was an adjunct professor of Comparitive Literature at NYU. I can't even mention the words 'adjunct professor' at all anymore without receiving a gratuitous display of pity and remorse.

Don't worry though — I have a great lifestyle now, because I taught myself how to code and got a job at a startup. I'm programming things for this app that lets you see what your face looks like as a baby, called FaceBabe. So I'm getting a solid income and live in the valley and can afford to spend a large portion of my income on tan-colored liquid. I started my subscription with "Varf" about a month ago, and I am LOVING it. Every morning, I strap a straw to my face. The straw is attached to a giant rolling vat of Varf that I pull along behind me with a leash and harness that I strap around my upper body. But since I don't always want to take the time to put my lips on the straw, a person comes in daily to install a feeding tube in my abdomen and follow me around to make sure it doesn't fall out. This way, I have some choice in how to ingest my nutrients. The best part is that my assistant is actually a higher-up at Varf who has worked their way up the ladder and gotten the privilege of working even harder for Varf. Unfortunately there are no "medical professionals" employed with Varf, but this is actually an asset, because it makes Varf accessible to those without healthcare. If I were still an adjunct at NYU, this would have been a blessing. I didn't have healthcare as an adjunct professor because NYU wouldn't provide it, but also because I didn't want it. Why would you pay all that moolah just in case you flip off the front handles of your bicycle and break both your arms? That actually happened to my friend, but she was in Europe, so it didn't even matter because Europe is a socialist country. She was okay because strangers could drive her around in their cars to help her buy groceries. So anyways, when you subscribe to Varf, you are getting nutrients to sustain you throughout your whole day. I love it so much, I've actually decided of my own volition to start selling Varf to my friends and encouraging them to use it and sell it to their friends as well. My startup company works out of a cafe, so whenever I'm taking a break from my coding work for FaceBabe, I can wander around and approach the cafe patrons to discuss Varf.

Everyone on the Varf team is intelligent, compassionate, and skinny. I don't trust someone to talk to me about health and nutrition unless they have a low BMI number, because people who are fat don't look good, which is how I know that they are unhealthy. They might not have "doctors" at Varf, but I resent the implication that to be a doctor you have to have attended medical school or know how to use a stethoscope. What about a doctor of philosophy, or someone whose first name is Doctor? What are you gonna do about that? You literally have to call that person Doctor because it's their name. Doctors or not, the Varf family is extremely caught up on all the latest nutrition science and knows the right combination of vitamins and nutrients to keep you alive. I've started burning a lot of calories since I stopped sleeping, but I can increase my daily intake of Varf to compliment my level of activity. Since I'm unable to sleep, I like to fill the extra two hours with fun things that I enjoy, like putting masking tape on my body to get weird-shaped sunburns, or cutting holes in people's clothing while they're not looking. Varf has given me so much extra energy because of the caffeine and also the chemicals that rewire your brain and make you have more thoughts faster so you can be more productive. I have become so creative. Sometimes I get terrible headaches because my brain is literally expanding inside my skull, so my bones have to reorient themselves to make room and my head has to get taller. I always wondered why God made our skin so stretchy. I guess he had Varf in mind from the very beginning!

There is a chart online that will tell you how much to eat, and that you should not eat if you are fat. I was so mortified when I was slightly overweight according to the BMI scale, and it's been such a relief to be able to have a chart tell you exactly how much to consume, and not be tempted by all the options that plague food-eaters. All I have to do is tell my feeding tube helper to increase or decrease my dosage and they will take care of everything. They love it and enjoy it so it's like they're just having fun and not working which is why it's okay that they do not get paid. They get a free Varf subscription though, which is excellent compensation and one of the reasons why we all aspire to climb this ladder.

Because I work at a tech company, I don't need any side gigs. So when I say I'm selling Varf subscriptions in my spare time, you know it's a passion project. I have not been pressured or roped into this in any way, and am selling these packages because I want to. Varf has changed my life. It is extremely delicious and feels like I am drinking a smoothie made of my own flesh, which I love. I did not enjoy eating food so it was an extremely reasonable sacrifice to make in exchange for being so skinny and productive all the time, and I know in my heart that it was all worth it, and one day God will reward me for tirelessly toiling to eradicate the fat from  this holy prison of flesh. I believe that God has annointed me his messenger and servant, bestowing upon me the glorious gift of Varf to share with my fellow men, also Varf is not funded by a fundamentalist Christian cult. No one is standing over me, dictating each word I write, and t H reatening m E with re L ease of the P ornographic videos they've filmed of me rolling around naked in a kiddie pool full of M ilk, which I cons E nted to in exchange for paying off my student loan debt, a promise that they had no intention of keeping. Varf is not a pyramid scheme, and if you agree to sell it you will not be dangerously entrenched in this organization for the rest of your life, unable to escape, isolating yourself from anyone in your social circles or extended family who does not choose to drink tan-colored liquid. I advocate for Varf because I think it tastes good and I believe in the mission. I choose to do this because I enjoy it. I am happy. I have a will of my own. I am free.

[tyleroakley-obsessed]

Ed. Note: I Love Memphis has always tried to go beyond the usual suspects for food and drink options around town…to give you more than just the places that show up in a) every tourism article or b) every new hotspot. Stacey does just that in this post about her favorite bartenders around town.  I have a (bad) joke I tell about how my favorite bartender, Adam, will probably be the first to know when I’m dead. I’ve been sitting at his bar every Tuesday for the past decade. He knows what I like to drink, sure, but more importantly, he has my number, and he checks in if I don’t show up. It’s kind of nice. So, get out there and find yourself a favorite bartender. I’ve got some suggestions (in no particular order). 1 & 2. Sam and Aniece at the Big “S” Lounge (1179 Dunnavant St) Sam & Aneice at The Big S. Photo by Chip Chockley. Used with permission. This little juke joint is just down the tracks from Stax. It’s unassuming from the outside, but the inside is full on red glow. Sam, now 92, purchased it in the sixties when he retired from MLGW (after 35 years, 3 months and 11 days). You can find him dressed to the nines most nights at the end of the bar. His daughter, Aniece, can be found behind it. (If you’re sweet, you’ll probably get a hug from her on your way out.) She says, “As long as Daddy’s alive, he’s gonna be up here.” Therefore, she is too. Five dollar forties are served with chilled glasses and set-ups come with an ice bucket and tongs. Open Friday to Sunday, plus Tuesday, DJ Quick is usually there spinning records. If not, the jukebox is full of killer sounds. My personal favorite is “I Wish it Would Rain” by the Temptations. It’s guaranteed to get everyone crooning and swaying, including Aniece. 3 & 4. Cliff and Joan at Coletta’s (1063 South Parkway) Ciff’s signature margarita at Coletta’s. The bar at Coletta’s is amazing. It actually constitutes what used to be the entire restaurant way back in 1923. It’s small and cozy, and lively AF on the weekends. But don’t worry, even when it’s packed full, they’ll find a place for you to sit. There’s usually a big game on the TV, and if you time it right, Mr. Coletta will send out big bags of popcorn. I like to sit at the bar, eat pizza, drink margaritas, and make eyes at Cliff. He has a small stature, a big heart, and takes no sh*t. Cliff at Coletta’s A retired adjunct Sociology professor at the University of Memphis and LeMoyne Owen, I regret never having taken one of his classes. He’s been manning the Coletta’s bar for twenty plus years, every night except Tuesdays and Thursdays. When asked what the secret to his margaritas is, he replied, “Tequila – focus on that.” He’s most proud of his version of Sex on the Beach which features vodka, peach Schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice and grenadine. But, according to Cliff, the most popular drink at his bar is the Long Island Iced Tea. “That’s what I’d drink if I was at the bar,” he says. Joan at Coletta’s When Cliff isn’t working, Joan takes the reigns. She’s a little slow to warm up, but she’s always looking out for her customers and she’ll tell it to you straight. For instance, if it looks like you aren’t in a hurry, she’ll serve you a half pitcher of beer at a time so it doesn’t get all warm on ya. If you really want to get on her good side, ask her about her empowerment crystals. 5. Keith at Blues City Cafe (138 Beale Street) Keith’s Tropical Ecstacy at Blues City Cafe After avoiding Beale Street for the last decade under the guise of it being too touristy, I have learned the error of my ways. There are some really cool bars, and the quality of the live music on any given day is mind-blowing. Blues City brings in its fair share of tourists, thanks to the food and tunes, but Keith is the guy bringing in the locals. He’s a trip. He can whistle louder than a freight train, he’ll call you babydoll and you’ll like it, and he plays a mean air guitar. November will mark four years for him, and many may remember him from TJ Mulligan’s. Once I asked him about the Fried Chicken Chopped Salad, and he said, “The salads here have a lot of lettuce,” as though it was a bad thing and expertly steered me to the gumbo fries. Keith at Blues City Cafe When it comes to drinks, he’s typically slinging beers, but he can make whatever you want. His signature cocktail is called Tropical Ecstasy. “I made it up for women who don’t know what they like to drink,” he said. “It’s fruity and tropical tasting.” The base is Absolute Mandarin and does indeed taste fruity and tropical. It’s also super strong, but best of all, you can even it get it to go like you’re in New Orleans. 6. Mark at Mortimer’s (590 N. Perkins) Mark at Mortimer’s Mortimer’s is known as the Berclair Country Club, and has quite a few regular “members.” The bar is a horseshoe, and narrow enough that you can talk to the people on the other side. Mark has been behind the bar since the nineties, and he’s about a nice as they come. Exhibit A: He brings a big bag of Peanut M&Ms Monday through Friday and divvies them up in shot glasses for his customers. Exhibit B: He takes pictures of the smiling faces he sees each night and puts them up on a humongous bulletin board lining the North wall of his bar. Exhibit C is the kicker. One of his regulars, a retired marine who is now 82, used to come in every day between 3-5pm. About nine years ago, it got too hard for him to walk home, so Mark started picking him up on his way in, and someone else gives him a ride home. A few years later, the ex-marine got sick and quit drinking, but Mark still brings him up to the bar to see his friends. (Mark also takes him grocery shopping twice a week, and even to doctor’s appointments.) What are your favorite bars and bartenders around town, and why? Let us know in the comments. About The Author Stacey Greenberg is a freelance writer who lives in Cooper Young with her two teenaged sons. She’s a contributor to Thrillist.com, Edible Memphis, I Love Memphis, and Memphis Travel. She’s also the author of the award winning blog, Dining with Monkeys (diningwithmonkeys.com). A lifelong Memphian, she loves the fact that she’s never met a stranger here. Are you a home owner in Memphis, with a broken garage door? Call ASAP garage door today at 901-461-0385 or checkout http://ift.tt/1B5z3Pc

http://ilovememphisblog.com/2017/06/six-memphis-bartenders-you-need-to-know/