#i make a hell out of people. this is my permanent purgatory. they all wanna kill me. they all will. in one way or the other

[woodlandscab1n]

BPD is horrible because man, the guilt is never ending. Everything you do is "i deserve to be killed right now if i think people hate me", if i am not liked i deserve to be killed, if i anger, make someone sad, i am the worst person ever and Should Die.

I need to do everything right or I get this fucking guilt and dread. I seriously am just so exhausted, people are hell. /ref

[shinsorokiri]

UA Idol | Chapter Two

Hitoshi Shinsou x Reader

Word Count: 1,539

Warnings: Language, big anxiety, hint at being used

A/N: I am so sorry I forgot to upload last week! It was my birthday last Saturday and... I had a good time haha. But here is chapter two! Okay, so the “original songs” aren’t actually originals, and I put the lyrics in the actual writing because I know that sometimes people can’t listen to the songs recommended for a fic, so yeah. The songs are “Seventeen (Reprise)” by Troye Sivan and “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight” by Birdy. If you wanted to listen while reading, that would be cool, but it’s not required! Either way I hope you enjoy!

UA Idol Masterlist

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“Oh well aren’t you just the cutest little thing!”

“Midnight, please stop calling every single contestant cute.”

“Why don’t you beg me to Aizawa.”

“No.”

“I gotta agree with her on this one, Aizawa. She’s cute.”

“Hawks, could you at least try to be professional.”

“Ha! Funny! Hi there, chickadee!” Hawks winks, and you grin. “Hello.”

“Alright, so give us the run-down of everything, you know name, reason you’re here, all that. I’m sure you’re tired of being asked, but it would be nice if we knew,” Toshinori says, giving you a wide grin. He seems like the most levelheaded out of all of them, but you know just how goofy he can get. Especially when he’s egged on by Midnight and Hawks. “Ah, I’m (F/n) (L/n), I’m here because well, my roommate Mina talked me into it.”

“The girl we just saw?” “Yeah, she didn’t want to audition alone and she knows that I write songs, so she pushed me to audition, mostly because I’ve been kind of out of the music scene for a hot minute because my ex-boyfriend didn’t like that I did it, so this is like diving right back into. Headfirst. Without taking any diving classes,” you say, and Midnight cocks her head to the side. “Ex-boyfriend? Didn’t like that you did music? Why?”

“He said it was childish and that I need to get a job that will actually provide for me, and since he was older than me, he thought he knew everything. And that’s how I ended up working at some boring ass retail job. Oh, sorry I just swore,” you say, covering your mouth with one hand, eyes wide. Luckily, they all (except for Aizawa, no one knows if he actually smiles since he’s never… done it) chuckle at your reaction. “Don’t worry, they can censor it in post-production,” Midnight says as she leans back in her chair. “I see you brought your own guitar, too! how wonderful! I can’t wait to hear what you’ll be singing for us!” Nori says, still smiling at you, and you feel your nerves slip away. Even though they’re literally legends, they’re actually nice. Wild.

“Speaking of, darling, what will you be singing for us?” Midnight asks and you bite your lip. “Well, actually I have an original that I wrote,” you say, and their interests are visibly all piqued by that. “What’s it called?”

“Seventeen.”

“Alright! Whenever you’re ready!”

You give them a small smile before beginning to strum your instrument, quickly changing between chords. You had a longer version to this song, but you were supposed to cut down the song you were auditioning with to a smaller portion. This was the original poem that you wrote and transformed into a song, so you decided to turn that into your audition. Maybe if you get through, you’ll be able to perform the full song.

“I got these beliefs that I think you wanna break,

Got something here to lose that I think you wanna take from me.

You tell me I’m asleep but I wanna be awake,

Got something here to lose that I know you wanna take.

And he said age is just a number, just like any other,

We can do whatever, do whatever you want.

Girl becomes woman now, can’t tell a man to slow down,

He’ll just do whatever do whatever he wants.

Here he comes,

Like he just walked out of a dream

Doesn’t care you’re seventeen

Or maybe he forgot what it means?

Oh, but here he comes.

Here he comes.”

Your playing is flawless, and your voice is on its A-Game today. You finish up the song, finally looking at the judges who are all just... staring at you? Intensely? Is��� that bad…? Suddenly, Midnight speaks. “Do you play piano, too?”

“Uh, yeah. Not as well as guitar, but I’m okay at it...”

“Give us another song.”

“What?!”

“(Y/n), no songwriter who writes something like that only has one song. You definitely have another one,” Aizawa says, and you shrug, scratching the back of your neck. “I may have another one...”

“Please, play it for us!” Nori insists, enthusiastically banging on the table like your drunk friend who sees your waiter bringing their food. Ah. There’s the Toshinori Yagi everyone knows and loves. “If you insist,” you say, nervous, but excited to have the opportunity to perform another one of your songs. “What’s this one called?” Aizawa asks as you hand your guitar to a crew member, making your way over to the piano. “Uh… it’s called The District Sleeps Alone Tonight.”

“Interesting name,” Midnight says, grinning at you. “I’m warning you my piano skills are rusty, so this may be really bad,” you tell them, earning a chuckle from Hawks, Nori, and Midnight before you start to play a second song. You play the opening, beginning to sing.

“Smeared black ink.

Your face is ashen, and I'm barely listening,

To last demands.

I'm staring at the asphalt wondering,

What's buried underneath.

Where I am?

Where I am.

I'll wear my badge.

A vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest.

Tells your new friends,

I am a visitor here,

I am not permanent.

And the only thing,

Keeping me dry is.

Where I am; in this gaudy apartment complex,

Explaining that I am just visiting.

And I am finally seeing,

Why I was the one worth leaving.

D.C. sleeps alone tonight.

D.C. sleeps alone tonight.

In this gaudy apartment complex,

Explaining that I am just visiting.

And I am finally seeing, why I was the one worth leaving.”

All of your songs are sad, but I mean. You’ve been through some shit. Of course, they’re going to be sad. You literally can’t think of the last time you wrote an actual happy love song. You’re always writing, but love is just a foreign concept to you at this point. At least the good parts of love. You were far too familiar with bad parts. You shorten this one as well, cutting it off smoothly. You didn’t play the piano half bad, which was a relief. You stand back up walking to where you were before taking your place at the piano, retrieving your guitar from the crew member. “Were those by chance both about this ex that you mentioned?” Hawks asks, and you nod. “Yeah, he gave me… quite the material to write about,” you say with a small laugh. Before you know it, Midnight has engulfed you in a hug. Damn, she smells good. Since you’re holding your guitar, you only use one arm to hug her back. How did you end up in this position? You never thought the Midnight would ever hug you. Honestly, one of the best feelings. Ever. She smiles at you, squeezing your shoulder before going back to her seat. Oh yeah, I guess both of those songs did kind of confirm some… not so good things about him. Well that makes sense now. “Well, chickadee, I don’t think I can actually judge you. You’re a better songwriter than I’ll ever be.”

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

“It hurts me to say it, it really does. But I’m being one hundred percent genuine with you.”

“Did you know you’re actually the first person to ever get his prideful ass to admit that he wasn’t as good at something as someone?” Aizawa says, and you just give a small smile. First, they ask you to sing another one of your original songs, and then Keigo Takami tells you you’re a better songwriter than him? This is all way too much. You expected them to like, maybe say your songs were okay but here you are, receiving extreme compliments. From your literal idols. You’re fine. It’s fine. This is cool. This is normal. “Seriously, though. Your song writing skills are on par with all of ours, if not even better. And your voice is one of the best we’ve heard in the competition so far. Top two material if you ask me. Good job,” Aizawa continues. Okay. No longer fine. This is not cool. This is crazy.

“Also, rusty on the piano my ass!” Midnight exclaims and you laugh. “I think I speak for all of us when I say yes. Anyone want to lie and say I’m wrong?” Nori asks, and your eyes go wide when none of them say anything. You even got Aizawa’s yes? He’s literally there to keep people in check, he barely ever says yes to anyone. And he was saying yes to you? Hawks holds out the ticket with a smirk, and you just stare at it with wide eyes. “Wait… really?”

“Yes, really! Now take it! We’ll see you in Hell Week,” Midnight says, and you walk forward, grabbing the ticket and thanking all of them. As you leave you hear murmurs from them, but only hushed words like “unbelievable” and “amazing.” You walk out of the doors, still shocked, honestly. The first person you see is Mina, and you slowly hold up your ticket. She literally, literally tackles you in a hug. She’s also kinda screaming. And Present Mic joins her. This is what purgatory is, isn’t it?

[sortasirius]

dean for the character thing!

Ah.  The one.  My comfort character.  Strap in bucko.

Dean

How I feel about this character: Not to be a dramatic asshole but he is literally the love of my life.  In the beginning, he hides all his emotions behind this macho bravado, womanizing personality, all sarcasm and sass, but he’s always been the one with all the emotions.  He’s so fucking smart, he loves Vonnegut and Tolstoy, he’s naturally good at engineering and math, he can rewire literally anything and make it work again.  He’s a kick-ass mechanic, literally built Baby back from the ground up without even thinking about it.  He’s an amazing cook, he’s a natural giver, and is always willing to protect the people he cares about.  He loves fiercely, and has a hard time believing the people he loves would do him wrong.  He loves Taylor Swift, he loves rom coms, he loves cucumber water.  He has hotdog pajama pants and noodle socks that say “Send Noods”  He wanted to be a rock star.  He had to become a parent at five years old, and he always put Sam first, even when he was given another choice, a way to get out of the life, he chose Sam.  He’s a great hunter, he can figure out the through-line or the mo of the bad guy before almost anyone else.  He’s a drama queen™   He’s good with babies, kids, and teenagers.  He stands up for people that are being bullied.  He sings when he’s nervous.  He knows how to flirt his way past a man.  He’s a big nerd that would absolutely be into DND.  His comfort show is Scooby Doo and he watches it when he’s sad.  He calls himself the Meat Man.  He can sing even though he pretends he can’t.  He’s made some really fucked up mistakes.  He took the Mark of Cain, he’s killed innocent people that didn’t deserve it sometimes, he let an angel possess Sam and didn’t tell him about it, he kicked Cas out to protect that secret, he pushed Jack away and othered him because of his anger about Cas and Mary.  But at the same time, he’s overcome so much.  He’s literally gone to Hell and back, gotten through the Mark of Cain, escaped unscathed from Michael, gotten through the connection to Amara, from being a demon.  He’s gone through so much grief but it’s never stopped him from loving and accepting love from others.  I could go on for hours about him, about how much he means to me, how much I love him.  I know it sounds sappy as hell, but he will truly be with me for the rest of my life.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: I will give you one guess lmao.  I mean, it’s Cas, it’s always been Cas.  I love their married energy, I love the way they will literally use their last breaths to sass each other.  I love the random things that just make me go ????????  (”Not every hookup’s perfect”, the mixtape, “And you’re gonna storm in righttttt now”, “what broke the connection?” “I’m not leaving here without you” THE PRAYER?????). I also love that Dean shows him movies and gets upset if he doesn’t remember them.  I love Endverse, and how Ben Edlund basically said “yeah they fuck in the Apocalypse lmao.”  The way they look at each other literally makes me nauseous sometimes.  That profound bond is something else, and I’ve had my clown paint on since 15x01 aired lmao.

NOT Cas related, I really don’t mind Lisa (my hatred of anyone that wasn’t Cas as a teenager was born of hmmmmmm my own self hatred), I think she was exactly what Dean needed, she was a way to get out of the life, but it still wasn’t something he could ever escape.  I’ve always loved the way she listens to him, the way she tries to understand a world that she really can’t wrap her head around.  I also love how good of a mom she is.  Also Cassie, listen I know we only got that girl for one episode but I’ve been in love w her ever since.  And of course, my boy Lee.  Y’all wanna talk chemistry?  I haven’t seen Dean have that kind of chemistry with anyone other than Cas.  Also I’m just extremely partial to everything in that ep bc ya know.....canon bi Dean for me so I’m just a little bit in love with them and their ultra tragic backstory.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Sam or Benny.  I already talked about him and Sam a little bit here, but I just love those two codependent bitches so much.  They will literally sacrifice anything for each other (Dean literally walked away from a normal life because of Sam) and I am soft for them.  BENNY.  My boy, that Southern bastard who I would gladly die for.  He and Dean have such fratbro energy, they are so funny together, so at ease with each other.  I LOVED S8 Purgatory, like LOVED it, and I still wish they had had the budget to like make Ty a permanent recurring character, because it was just so easy for he and Dean to be together.  They had a bond that I don’t think anyone else (Sam and Cas) understood, and I still wish I could watch a whole season of them in Purgatory, how their relationship went from grudging trust to “I would die for you in a heartbeat”

My unpopular opinion about this character: a LOT of this boy’s problems would be solved if he talked about his trauma.  He doesn’t really talk about anything he’s been through with anyone, not even Sam, and his drinking isn’t a funny coping mechanism, it’s dangerous and I wish he’d stop doing it.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: also should’ve punched John in the face lmao.  Also there are just a lot of softer moments that I know happened offscreen that I wish we could have seen.  Like I don’t ~care~ if it’s boring I want to see Dean make Sam chicken soup when he’s sick and teach Jack about mechanics and watch movies in his bedroom with Cas!  What are Dean’s favorite romcoms????  What was on the MIXTAPE??????  These are all things I would pay millions of dollars to see.

Link to OG post

Ask me character opinions!!

[henriiiii-1001old]

rambling pt 10(?) - fnaf world

a i g h t rambling time bc fuck it i wanna talk more fvgbhnjm

i’m just gonna copy and paste some hcs abt this concept bc it’s LONG and i’m too lazy to type anything (i will be making adjustments to some of the copied messages bc i’m picky xdd)

loooong hcs down below

categories: william’s first visit william’s second/permanent visit chica’s magic rainbow/end of michael’s tyranny omc and william’s family fredbear and springbonnie

William’s first visit

i have made an official hc a while back that fnaf world is kind of the equivelent of the underworld from greek mythology. everyone who dies goes there, no matter if you have been good or bad. they separate you into different areas of fnaf world depending on how good or bad you have been. upper floor/animtronica is good people, 4th level is the worst people.. at least it should have been that way but someone else went into power of fnaf world.

soooo after the fire in ffps, william ends up here along with charlie, elizabeth, kathryn (william's wife), two fazbear employees (mike schmidt and fritz smith), and michael (who calls himself mk even though mk is still alive :/). thing is everyone is separated throughout, and william first appears in the plains part (the green thing in the world? i don't remember the names of the places qwq). he and the other missing children (who have been there since the year prior to the ffps fire) head off to find everyone else. it's basically fnaf world version 1. so he's found everyone except for michael. where does he find him? where you're supposed to be fighting animdude (i will explain this in the next part because i don't want this to be too long) sooo william defeats michael and in my au, michael's like, self proclaimed king, so he's got like his own mini castle which have portals to different dimensions and timelines. william sneaks into the castle and finds the portal back to his timeline and dips aaaaaand then vr happens but i'm gonna skip that because we need to cut to the juicy part.

William’s second/permanent visit

the second time he gets here is after something going on in sb (yes ik it's stupid to have hcs before a game comes out, but idc they just came man qwq) where [SPOILERS HERE I DON’T WANNA EXPLAIN YET >:(((( i will be referring to a specific character as vivi tho bc why not] and they both now end up in fnaf world. william is reeaaallly salty he officially died again and vivi is freaking the fuck out. and guess who comes into the scene. fucking michael. he introduces himself to vivi as mk, but vivi actually knows who mk really is, and michael just makes it seem like mk was a liar (vivi obviously doesn't believe that tho. william on the other hand... yeah xddd). now all of a sudden, michael sees vivi's soul is FULL of remnant (side note here: souls cannot hold remnant by themselves in the living world and it must be removed. they can hold it in fnaf world though since the world is made from remnant, but they lose it slowly overtime. michael thinks he can extract the remnant from souls in fnaf world though and he thought when william came back he'd have a lot, but as william was stuck with vivi after vr, most, if not all, of his remnant transferred over to her). aaaand william actually tries to defend her saying "fuck you", taking vivi, and booking it out of there. uuhhh that's all i got for now. ig it's kind of like version 2 of the game because you get animdude as a playable character in that version, and the two are trying to find him so power could be restored in fnaf world

Chica’s Magic Rainbow/End of Michael’s tyranny

you guys remember the bitch chica's magic rainbow? uuuuh yeah that's vivi. here she was manipulated (and kind of mind controlled??) by king michael (the bitch majesty himself uwu) to help him take down william and make him suffer like he's supposed to. thing is, before the fight william and vivi found animdude, the actual caretaker of fnaf world and is kind of like god ig, so animdude helps william fight king michael and chica's michael’s magic rainbow. michael loses and vivi kind of... dies? she just gets knocked out really if anything but she wakes up just fine. animdude takes his place back as the caretaker, michael is sent to fnaf world's version of purgatory, and william is sent to his own personal hell (don't worry he isn't a bitch abt it like he'd usually be xddd) and william's personal hell is a challenge that he is supposed to die over and over again and never win (guarded and managed by cassidy), but if he wins at least one night of hell, he will be able to roam fnaf world freely (he was given this "if" situation since he helped animdude take back fnaf world. it was like a "thank you, but still get fucked" thing ya know?)

OMC and William’s family

so um.. omc’s not really that developed as a character, but what i can tell you is that either he's just only gonna be william's dad or there could possibly be two old ppl consequences and it's probably gonna be both his parents. when they died they at first inhabited the first sublevel of fnaf world where the "you were pretty good in life" people go, but when michael took over fnaf world and claimed himself king, he moved whoever was in the fourth layer to the third causing a lot of overcrowding, and put william's parents and older sister down there to wait for william to come so they could be his personal tormentors later on. amelia, william's sister, was of course wanting revenge, and she sat at the bottom of the lake, her spirit changing to adapt to the environment around her since her regular spirit form cannot survive underwater (also i just came up with this now, but the more you travel the sublevels downward, the more your spirit changes to adapt to the environment around it. those in the fourth layer get morphed the worst since the worst people are supposed to be down there). william's parents on the other hand, cherry afton and idk what the dad's name is gonna be yet so i'll just call him omc, do not want to do this since they don't know about anything he's done other than kill his sister (he would've gone to the third layer if he only killed her but.. that didn't happen :/). they do get out of the fourth layer eventually, but the fourth layer changes spirits forms extremely quickly so the people down there can suffer for eternity for longer since the changing of a spirit's form is extremely painful. so what ended up happening is that amelia ends up as a deformed siren who cannot survive on land, omc is a literal crocodile, and idk what i wanna do w/ cherry yet :/

Fredbear and Springbonnie

soooo my henry and william are as follows in terms of personality: william: bitchy bitch, child life nabber, hates his kids (except michael), springy boi kinnie, furry, g a e  a s  h e l l henry: baby boy, poor man who needs therapy, loves kids and adopted three idiots later in life, fredbear kinnie, maybe a furry, g a e as well but if you switch their personalities, that's fnaf world fredbear and springbonnie. fredbear acts EXTREMELY william-like and it even creeps out william himself. like.. william kinda gets a redemption arc while he's fighting his dead antihero son king michael bc through fredbear, he sees how fucked up he was as a person (doesn’t excuse his actions though *spits on him*). he also learns bc vivi basically turns into his therapist ig xddd william takes two full trips through fnaf world, first time fredbear was his mentor, telling him to "find the clocks" and all that shit. but the second time, it was actually spring bonnie, helping him and vivi stay out of king michael’s sight and help them find animdude. he got to see both sides of both characters during his two trips. fredbear and spring both have a happy-go-lucky side, but they both have darker, deeper, more real sides to them that reflect into the real world.

[janiedean]

Hey Lavi, I never got around to reading Dante, but I studied Renaissance Florence and I saw someone in that long post mention that Dante seemed to have it in for Florence? Why is that, or was that a misreading? All I can recall of Florence’s flaws for the time were it’s reputation for gay guys and prostitutes (IIRC the German word for homosexual is derived from Florence :P)

ba… er, it’s not that he had it on florence, but like, people in that post (the not italian ones) have 100% Missed The Point, so I’ll go at it from the beginning. so, quote in question (I suppose):

he and his idol/mancrush, the famous poet Virgil, journey through Hell on behalf of his dead girlfriend and everyone who he didn’t like was there and suffered punishment for all eternity and then he blames three whole popes and the entire fucking city of Florence, Italy for the shitty state of the Church and over seven hundred years later it’s played a major influence in Western culture

now, never mind that ‘it’s played’ is dumb af because ITALIAN LANGUAGE WOULDN’T EXIST WITHOUT DANTE so it’s not played for shit, but like I’ll try to not touch all the other subjects regardless of how much my eyes are bleeding just reading this sentence.

the point is that he was permanently exiled from florence because of his political stances in which the church took part and that happened before the reinassance, which is like… long and complicate so I’m gonna make it very short and simplified sorry everyone but it’s not a thing you can dissect on tumblr properly. so, list:

florence at the end of the 13th century was a republic in the context of the rivalrly between guelfs and ghibellines, pls refer to that link for specific info but basically most of the politics in italy at that point where ‘there’s a bunch of separate small republics/states fighting each other and people tend to either stand with the pope [guelfs] or the emperor of the sacred roman empire [ghibellines]’, and in florence there had been a war in between the two factions that ended with the ghibellines being sent away from the city around 1289 if I’m not getting the year wrong, dante was a guelf and a nobleman and was directly involved in the city’s politics from then onwards until the aforementioned exile;

after then there was a further split in between the guelf faction ie one wanted the pope to be less involved and the other was more with sticking with him, and dante was in the first one;

now this is the point where I should tell you that the pope was boniface viii ie someone who has since then (and during that time) been wildly recognized as one of the worst people who ever had that job ever and whose papacy can be summed up in ‘trying to have both spiritual and temporal power in each single possible way in italy and outside it’ - pls read the entire article and get to the part where he had an entire feud with philip the ivth of france and ended with him getting slapped in the face in anagni -, and who dante saw as someone who had corrupted the catholic church and was fully not doing what his job entailed ie shepherding souls and not being an emperor;

tldr the white vs black guelfs feud ended up with the black guelfs winning and exiling the whites among which dante who therefore ended up exiled from his hometown for the entirety of his life later;

now the thing that those people don’t get is that to dante/people in his situation being involved in their hometown’s politics especially when being a public figure and so on was most of their life and they had an attachment to their city that was similar to what you’d have for your country since back in the day italy was barely a cultural unit and not a political one, like fighting for your city it wasn’t the same as fighting for your *hometown*, it was the same as your COUNTRY, which means that in his context being exiled from there meant leaving the country he was born in/that he loved/felt like he 100% belonged to and never come back, not just leaving one town and going to another. like, if someone told me I couldn’t ever go back to rome in my entire life but I could stay in naples I’d still be in the same country and as I’m italian first and everything else later I’d suffer but who cares, if someone said you have to leave italy and you can never come back I’d suffer a thousand times more because italy is my damned country and the place I was born in and in whose culture I partake/that I feel at home in, that was what it meant leaving florence to him;

now, his problem wasn’t with florence, his problem was with the people who threw him out and the system which allowed it and the catholic church which instead of worrying about religion worried about politics and mingling with them, which by the way is *exactly what the catholic church does here in italy to this day no more no less*, from then on nothing has changed, and he didn’t blame FLORENCE for the shitty state of the church as OP says, HE BLAMED THE CHURCH FOR THE SHITTY STATE OF FLORENCE AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY, and guess what it’s been seven hundred years and counting and exactly nothing has changed, which means OP’s point even more dumb because dante saying that then and nothing having changed now should witness to the fact that he was only speaking sense;

like: dante had it in with corrupt popes who turned the church into a temporal power rather than stick with the spiritual because he thought that the temporal power didn’t belong to it, which is like… the principle of separation between state and church on which each single post-american revolution constitution has been founded on sure as hell he didn’t have it in for florence when he missed it for his entire life and wanted to go back more than anything and he couldn’t because he was exiled;

now, another thing that OP doesn’t get because lmao what is context: to catholics, the pope is technically infallible. like, if you’re a catholic You Cannot Criticize The Pope, period, so the fact that dante alighieri, A Catholic In The Middle Ages, puts not just one pope in HELL but more than one in a book/poem that he wants to sell as a revolutionary work (which he wanted to do or he wouldn’t have had vergil walking him through hell) is like… a level of disruptive revolutionary literary BDE that these people can’t even conceive, because it implied saying that the head of the church was wrong and calling him out of it. which, again, for a catholic, is basically the highest BDE level in existence. and guess what, Dante Was A Catholic But Not A Bigoted One As Much As These People ThinK;

also, never mind that the people he put in hell were also people he LIKED and most of the sympathetic characters are there, but tumblr doesn’t know that he put in purgatory manfred, the not legitimate son of frederick the second, who was excommunicated by the church, which I should hope anyone can guess the meaning of - like, excommunication is The Worst Thing The Church Can Do When It Comes To Catholics -, and he still put him in a position where he could be redeemed because he repented on his deathbed (according to dante’s rendition anyway), which means that he said someone the church had expelled for good from its ranks could still be redeemed and eventually go to heaven, which was basically telling them fuck you. same BDE.

now, that is the entire point of THAT SPECIFIC THING RE FLORENCE, but I’d like to state that the way I put it is the 0,5% of the entire problem which I can’t possibly summarize because in that book he comments on the status of things in the entire goddamned nation even if it wasn’t a nation politically at that point while mixing it with his philosophy treatise and his own search to have his faith and political ideals coexist while also discussing courtly poetry and changing his language based on the needs while using the same poetric meter that he invented/came up with and no one else could manage to use again after because it was too complicated, and while he does that he gives you a summary of the entirety of greek mythology figures that he incorporated in his work, a summary of the status of things in discussions of medieval theology and philosophy and on top of that there’s some expressions which are now staples of the italian language like we use them commonly and 80% of the time ppl don’t even know he came up with them.

and that still is a badly put summary of 20% of the basic things you find in the divine comedy as a whole because there’s more than that and there’s a reason why here in high school you study it for three years one cantica per year and it’s not even enough to barely scratch the surface. and that’s why those posts give me a damn aneurysm, because if you say that ^^^^^ above is fanfic sorry but I see red.

also sorry for going off like this but you went and pointed out the one thing that irked me most about that OP but I also didn’t want to reply directly because this discussion has given me metaphorical ulcers in the past plus gave me three days of feeling really fucking down (I don’t wanna use trigger but it was the closest thing I came to that in my entire life) and I’m done engaging with people who wouldn’t want to listen but eh. XDDDDD anyway sorry for the rant I hope it was exhaustive. XD

[bottomsamheaven]

:ARCHIVE - WINCEST  PT 1

Dee

by pumpkinpeasy 

Word Count: 3k

- Sam and Dean have the night to themselves in a motel room, so they spend it in bed. Wherein Dean is a possessive little shit who likes to tease Sammy, and Sam's a bit of a bossy bottom.He knows how to set Dee on edge.

Welcome Back by devotedtodean Word Count: 5k -  Dean is back from hell and the Winchester brothers have a job to do, saving people, hunting things....but can they save themselves and come to terms with their feelings for each other. In Relations to by SamBeganAtKansas Word Count: 3k - Dean just wants a drink with his brother at a bar on a beautiful Saturday night after a good hunt as a celebratory sort of thing, because they're both not injured (too much, anyway) or dead, or about to die, or have the impediment of utter doom looming over their heads and weighing on their shoulders.Is that too much to ask?Apparently it is, according to someone at the bar. But then, he goes down the wrong path, and Dean decides that he's had enough of the nosy asshole trying to pick away at their lives when they practically know nothing. A theory of intimate grammar by lyryk (s_k)  Word Count: 10k (bottom!dean mentioned) -  Six months after Sam ran away at Flagstaff, Sam and Dean find themselves left at a cabin in the woods while their father chases down a lead. Sam’s got a secret he wants to tell Dean, but it seems as if the time is just never right. Don't Leave by Syls Darkplace  Word Count: 9k -  Sam's learning to hunt with Dean and John. He thinks he's a liablity. Dean tries to reassure him and gets in over his head. Sam is 15 in this. Something Invisible is Gone by Ponderosa Word Count: 12k -  Sam's abilities are screwing with his memory, bombarding him with too much information at once. The solution he finds ultimately leads to losing more than he was willing to give up. Hold Your Color by duffmansean Word Count: 14k -  Sam gets his soul back after more than a year, but time in hell moves so much faster, and even more so in the cage. He's been there for centuries and he remembers it all. He's been Sam Winchester, hunter, brother of Dean, for 27 years. He's been the punching bag of two furious, self-righteous archangels for so, so much longer. By the time he gets out he knows the cage better than the world of the living. No Exit by interflora  Word Count: 5k -  Prompt: Post “Southern Comfort,” Sam lets slip that he tried to commit suicide a few months prior to Dean's return from Purgatory. Wincest. Tell Me Where It Hurts by Saklani Word Count: 18k -  Dean must help Sam deal with disease and dark visions brought on by the touch of an Atheri.  Old friends in kinky places by foggysundays Word Count: 16k -  Dean has found them a new case - and Dean being Dean it´s not just a simple salt & burn, but a bit more exotic... Good thing Sam has always dreamed of posing as his brother´s submissive in some weird BDSM Club that somehow belong to an old friend of Deans' he´s never even heard of. Wanna make your motor run by cordelia_gray Word Count: 4k -  Four times Dean got road head, and one time he gave it A Thousand Touches by saucyminx Word Count: 31k -  Sam stopped talking when he was a kid.  Dean just got used to it, after all, Sam's his kid-brother.  Their relationship is based on notes, nods and touches.   But there are thousands of touches in a lifetime - and just maybe that changes things. Life As We Know It by sevenfists Word Count: 13k -  On the morning that Sam woke up, Dean ran five red lights on the way to the hospital, his half-empty coffee cup sloshing in the holder. No Promises by orphan_account Word Count: 11k - Warnings: A/B/O verse, Underage (Sam is 15, Dean 30)Sam and Dean are neighbours. Sam falls for the older alpha and decides to seduce him. Soul Love by Juul Word Count: 9k -  Your soulmate’s name is branded on your wrist the moment you turn 18. Dean feels like a pervert, because his soulmate is his little brother. Ashamed and terrified, Dean will try anything to make sure the bond isn’t reciprocated. He forgets, for a second, that you can’t mess with destiny. Reprieve by whispered_story Word Count: 9k -  Sam leaves for Stanford. It doesn't take long for Dean to follow him. O Brother, Where Art Thou? by flyy0ufools Word Count: 6k - Over the last fifteen years, Sam Winchester had walked away from his brother more times than he cared to count. This time, Sam couldn’t come up with a legitimate excuse. At least, not one that was appropriate to tell his brother. He knew that, as much as him leaving would hurt Dean, staying here would lead Sam to making choices that could hurt Dean so much more. Could push Dean away permanently. Because Sam Winchester was in love with his brother, and he couldn't hide it any longer. Verses Like Yours and Mine by rivers_bend Word Count: 15k - Sam and Dean are regular brothers--no hunting, no demons--who fall in love anyway. Redshift by road_rhythm Word Count: 27k - They're still reeling from Dean's stint in Purgatory, the Trials are tearing them apart, the world hangs in the balance (again)—and Dean wants to get a pool table and have a sex marathon. Of course he does. Can't Rain All The Time by 427-67Impala Word Count: 41k - The clock is ticking on Dean's deal, and as if things weren't tense enough between the Winchester boys, he doesn't react well when Sam wants to revisit their secret teenage romance. True to form, they push on with their latest hunt while the elephant in the corner of the room turns into more of a woolly mammoth. Following the trail of a missing witch and her elusive patron demon gets them stranded together in an abandoned house in the Maryland wilderness, where they've got no choice but to sort out their drama - except that house isn't so abandoned, and that demon isn't staying hidden anymore.Angst, drama and physical and emotional hurt/comfort, liberally sprinkled with sex. Complete.

Side note: I have a couple hundred bookmarks saved on my computer that are doing no good, but taking up unwanted space as i do not read wincest/j2 anymore, nor am I in the fandom. Accidentally logged onto this old blog today, so I thought I’d post them here, where people might read and enjoy them :) 

My old account was ferventsammy, but sadly I don’t remember the account info. If you remember me, hello!

[quranreadalong]

#116, Surah 21

THE QURAN READ-ALONG: DAY 116

This section is entitled “‘I Swear There Is Actually Some Interesting, New Material In This Surah’, Increasingly Nervous Tumblr User Claims”. But we will be dealing with Mohammed yelling at the disbelievers all day... again.

21:25 is the starting point. Allah has made prophets out of various people, and told them all to preach the fact that Allah is god etc. Some people (ahem, polytheists; ahem, Christians; ahem... Jews in Mohammed’s confused mind) claim that some of those prophets were also gods, but they were just doing Allah’s bidding and they all worshiped Allah. Well, fair enough, I suppose those are just neutral theological disagr--

And one of them who should say: Lo! I am a god beside Him, that one We should repay with hell. Thus We Repay wrong-doers. 

...oh. Well, some bad news for the Jesus of the Gospels today, my dude is apparently in hell. Speaking of which, I always wonder where to put this tidbit, so I’ll put it in here today: the word used for “hell” here (and in many other ayat), jahannam, is the Arabic version of the Hebrew Gehinnom (or Gehenna in Greek), used in non-Biblical Jewish literature as a contraction for Gei Ben-Hinnom.

Gei Ben-Hinnom means “the valley of Ben-Hinnom”, or “the valley of the son of Hinnom”, which was an actual physical place in Jerusalem. It is mentioned in the Book of Jeremiah, which accuses the Israelites’ neighbors of child sacrifice:

And they have built the high places of Tophet, which is in the valley of the son of Hinnom, to burn their sons and their daughters in the fire; which I commanded them not, neither came it into my heart.

Elsewhere an Israelite king himself is accused of the same:

Moreover he burnt incense in the valley of the son of Hinnom, and burnt his children in the fire, after the abominations of the heathen whom the LORD had cast out before the children of Israel. 

For the record, there’s no actual archaeological evidence of any child sacrifice in the valley at any point in time. In any case, that is all that the Torah has to say on the subject; the other Hebrew word sometimes translated as hell, sheol, just means “the grave”. But sometime a century or two before the birth of Jesus, the idea that Gehenna was a spiritual dimension of fire that was also present in the physical world is found in Rabbinical literature (and this was perhaps pulled from Zoroastrians), and this idea remained part of Jewish tradition during and after the beginnings of the Christian religion. This is from the Mishnah:

There are three entrances to Gehenna, one in the wilderness, one in the sea, and one in Jerusalem. There is one entrance in the wilderness, as it is written with regard to Korah and his company: “And they, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit [She’ol], and the earth closed upon them, and they perished from among the congregation” (Numbers 16:33).

We’ll see Korah in the Quran, btw. But to put it simply, the Bible says that some evildoers were swallowed up by the earth, and this rabbi believes it implies that they were taken into hell (Gehenna) through one of its three physical entrances, with the other being in the valley of Ben-Hinnom itself and the third being the giant sea creature that swallows Jonah.

This gradually transformed Gehenna into a place of punishment in the form of fire, quite different from its Biblical sense. Thus why you have parts of the Gospels saying:

And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into [Gehenna].

Even around this time, though, Jewish rabbis did not envision Gehenna as a permanent punishment; it was more in line with the Christian concept of purgatory or burning away sins. It’s not even clear if the earliest Christians thought it was permanent. But whatever stories Mohammed heard--probably Christian ones, since his views on the afterlife and resurrection seem to have all been pulled from there--presented it as totally divorced from its original sense as a valley in Jerusalem, and implied that it was a place where sinners would be burned in the afterlife forever, and so that’s how the Quran uses it.

Anyway, Allah is god etc and he has awesome powers, including separating the heavens and the earth and creating all living things from water; he made mountains to prevent earthquakes (???) (again, this appears to have been some common belief at the time). He also:

made the sky a roof withheld (from them). Yet they turn away from its portents. And He it is Who created the night and the day, and the sun and the moon. They float, each in an orbit.

I... do not... think that is an accurate depiction of... anything involved here. But moving on.

No human can be immortal, and Allah tests everyone with both evil and good things to see how they will behave. Everyone will be gathered before him to answer for themselves in the end.

In 21:36, Mohammed complains that the disbelievers are insulting him because he’s insulting their gods. They are overly hasty and ask unreasonable things, like, you know, proof of Mohammed’s claims about the impending Doom. They might wanna think twice about that, though:

If those who disbelieved but knew the time when they will not be able to drive off the fire from their faces and from their backs, and they will not be helped! Nay, but it will come upon them unawares so that it will stupefy them, and they will be unable to repel it, neither will they be reprieved.

Ah, the kuffar hell counter (1). I figured we’d see it at some point today. And Mohammed can’t tell them when the Doom will come, because Allah wants to take them by surprise, just like it surprised the people who mocked past prophets. Sure! We’ll call all that bad and the stuff preceding that neutral.

Continuing this line of thought, Mohammed wonders who can defend the polytheists from Allah’s wrath. (The answer is given in 21:43: no one!)

We’ve seen this next one before, back in surah 13:

See they not how we aim to the land, reducing it of its outlying parts? Can they then be the victors?

As I said back then, no one really knows what this means--whether it’s referring to conquest of some kind, famine and crop failures, or something else. I’ve even seen some sad, desperate attempts to make this “scientific” by relating it to the movement of tectonic plates! (They claim that this has literally reduced the amount of land on earth... it has not. And the ayah is clearly about Allah reducing the disbelievers’ land, not “land” in general. But why am I even bothering...?)

Regardless, I’ll put it and the next one (complaining that those who refuse to listen to Mohammed are deaf) down as neutral. Following that, Mohammed says that if the disbelievers were to be faced with The Doom, they would immediately admit their wrongdoing, knowing that Allah will know about everything they have done. Uh... that last one I’ll still put down as neutral, the one before it is pretty bad tbh!

Let’s finish up today’s section. Allah gave Moses (and Aaron) the Torah so that the godfearing people among the Hebrews would follow it. The Quran is the contemporary version of the same thing. Fair enough! That takes care of the intro to the surah, now we can get onto the good stuff.

NEXT TIME: Abraham, teenage delinquent, the Unburned.

The Quran Read-Along: Day 116

Ayat: 26

Good: 0

Neutral: 21 (21:25-28, 21:30-38, 21:42-45, 21:47-50)

Bad: 5 (21:29, 21:39-41, 21:46)

Kuffar hell counter: 1 (21:39-40)

⇚ previous day | next day ⇛

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

11/4/2019

Already November! Time flies. It has been a good year though. I’ve felt more social and started making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, planning events and parties. I love to host parties. Would give anything to have a bigger house. This one is a little cramped. VERY cramped when I invite most of my friends over at the same time. lol 

Anyway, i’ve really enjoyed getting back to my social self. When I was my teens, I loved parties, and loved hosting parties even more! I got with Nathan when I was 20 and he wasn’t a partier all that much. I settled down, practically turned into a recluse, and lived that way for about 10 years. I let go of all my party friends, because I was trying to get out of that lifestyle. 

I became the crazy cat lady from being the fun party girl. lol I took in way too many cats than I could honestly take care of. Dogs, too. Got into animal rescue, though I ended up keeping most of them. My house was impossible to keep nice or even clean really, with that many animals. I fell into a depression, which caused me to recluse even more. My bipolar seems to have gotten worse. I was in a rut for years.

My oldest brother died in 2010. I started wanting to get away, to drink and just forget. And that’s what I did. (went really wild as a teenager after my Dad died when I was in my teens. My coping mechanism I suppose. Then, I met Jerry not long after my brother died and we became really close. He was my best friend for 2-3 years, until we tried to date and I realized he was a manipulative, controling, abusive asshole. Then, I started going out even more after that break up. After my Mom died, I didn’t go completely wild. Maybe it was because I was living alone in my clean, comfortable home. More stable. I did meet Mark not long after she passed, and did impulsively go out of town to meet him for the first time, in the middle of the night after I left a bar. lol So, maybe I went a little crazy. Turned out for the best, though.

Birthdays in November... I need to remember to send a card to my cousin Alissa, I always forget. Then, i’m seeing if James is busy next week, it’s his birthday. He’s alone and he did something special for Mark’s birthday. Brought him really nice cupcakes from a bakery. So I really want to do something for him. If he’s not already planned anything, i’ll ask him if there is anyone he’d want to invite. I just found out that Cassie’s birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year, so I need to get her a cake. I hope i’m not leaving anyone out for November birthdays. 

I’ve got to do something about my weight. I  take pictures, from an upper left angle (except most aren’t extreme angles anymore), and I love the way I look. I feel so pretty, from my pictures. But then, I see myself in the mirror and i’m often disappointed. I see myself in a picture someone takes of me, and my day is ruined. I end up in tears and feel huge, ugly, like a freaking monster. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I know i’d be so much prettier, even with just 50-60 pounds gone. If I lost 100, i’d probably never leave the mirror! lmao No, but I would be happy with pictures people take and my self confidence would be through the roof.

It’s a shame that i’ve wasted all these years being fat and having nearly 0 self esteem. Now, if I lose weight.....i’ll be starting the aging process. About to turn 40. I wasted my youthful, pretty years. 

But HOW am I going to lose this weight? It’s so hard. Some of my health conditions cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose it. Some of my meds do the same thing. I’ve had a couple doctors trying to get me to go off the meds, but I won’t do it. They are my psychiatric meds, and I NEED them! Nope, nope, nope. I’ve been craving soda and drinking way too much of it this past week. That’s not going to help matters. I’m going to have to cut down on soda intake and watch what I eat, a bit more than I  do now. And, I need to get active. Not just for weight loss, for my diabetes too. Really need to start going to swim at the ymca 2-3 mornings per week, at least. And, sometime on most weekends, since it’s the only time Nathan can go. Would also like to starting waking at 6am and go for a walk. The walks will be super short for a while, because at this size it kills my lower back and legs. But, anything is better than nothing. I hope I can get into a better routine.

I’d so love to lose 50 pounds by Summer, when we go back to Wyoming and to the beach. Confidence, I need it back. 

I need to clean this room today, it’s a complete disaster. Trying to get Mark to help me. It will be nice to be able to walk through the room normally. To have my side table cleared and organized. Be able to organize and decorate my makeup table, be able to access and organize my jewelry again! I feel chaotic in my mind when things are out of place. My problem, i’m a perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect. And thats hard to do now that i’m not living alone. So, when it’s not perfect I lack the motivation to clean. Complicated.

I WANT MY HOME 100% ORGANIZED!!!!!

I had all rooms organized a while back. Perfectly. Except the bedroom. But people want to leave stuff laying around and/or put things in the wrong places. Leaving me to have to get up the motivation to do it all over again! Oh, not to mention people leaving trash laying around. My biggest pet peeve! 

I wonder what really happens when you die. People are always saying they will see their loved ones again one day - but how do we really know that? It seems like wishful thinking. Something will tell ourselves to make death feel a little less permanent. I mean, i’d love for it to be true. But noone truly knows. I guess it IS a comfort to tell yourself that. But what if death is just death. Nothingness. You just no longer exist? What if everyone who dies is trapped on Earth for eternity. Purgatory. Or hell....punished for all of our “sins”. Because EVERYONE sins at some point, nobody is perfect.

I wonder the same about God. How do we really know there IS a God? How? We pray, and most of our prayers remain unanswered. Did someone just make up God and Christianity to make themselves and some others feel better? Feel not alone. 

I lean more toward Wicca in my beliefs. But even still, how do we know the Goddess/Gods even exist? I don’t know. Just something I was thinking about.

Speaking of which, I was talking to my brother Neil the other day. We had a great, long conversation. I didn’t want to get off the phone. EVEN during the “Rhonda” part of the conversation (long story, may blog about it another time). lol One thing in our convo that stood out.. He told me that my Mom told him she was a witch. She practiced withcraft a little before I was born. I don’t remember her ever telling me that. She did tell me about a couple witches back in the family bloodline, though. I feel i’m a natural born witch. Strange things have happened, i’m had visions that come true. Dreams and nightmares that later actually happened. I’ve been drawn to witchcraft my entire life. 

I tried Christianity. I really did. But it never felt right. But i’ve hidden my beliefs for years and will probably continue to do so for the most part, living in this area. After talking to a few friends about, i’m surprised to find people accepting of it and some even interested/consider themselves a witch or Wiccan.

I’ve been even more interested in witchcraft and Wicca after meeting another witch. She’s a natural born witch, too, not someone who converted to the religion. We have a strong, spiritual bond. I’ve been embracing my spirituality a bit more lately. I feel like i’m not so alone in my beliefs. 

I like to believe there IS a higher power. I just don’t know exactly what I believe. 

I’m getting tired of blogging at the moment, will be ending this in a second. Still have things running through my mind, just tired of typing. lol I think i’ve been in  mild manic state for quite a while. It’s better than depression at least. Ok, I have a little more to blog about after all. lol

I need to figure out what i’m doing (lawyer or not) and file for disability again. Being married, i’d only get $400.....but there is a lot I can do with $400 that I currently do not have. I’ve been donating plasma to have a little spending cash. And I would probably continue even if I get approved for SSI, it’s a good thing to do, and hey, extra money, ya know? But with $400 a month, I could buy some clothes and decent thing that I want but can’t afford right now. Save what I can save. Have an emergency savings, which I so desperately need.

I was thinking the other day about our neighbors. They are awesome. Danny is a good guy, a good friend. The neighbors on the other side seem like really good people. They even surprised us by mowing our lawn once while we were away. I want to make something. Banana bread, a cake, maybe cookies and give them to both neighbors. Show them that we appreciate them. Good neighbors are a blessing, we are lucky. We have neighbors a couple house down that seem cool, too. They are different. Unique. I guess kinda alternative or punk style. I’m wanting to invite them to one of our get togethers soon.

Not sure if we’ll be having a get together this weekend. If everything goes as planned, Cassie, Dena, Crystal and I will be going to Cherokee NC Saturday. Cassie wants to meet a guy she knows online. It will be fun, if it works out for us to go. :) If we get back in time, may drink a lil Saturday night. Or maybe not. Idk. I think the guys plan to have a friend or two over while we’re gone. Guys night and girls road trip. lol I may see if Cassie would wanna let her brother Matt stay here with the guys, so it’s truly a girls trip. That, and I think it would fun for Matt. He’s young, but that doesn’t matter, they could play video games or just whatever.

Then, Sunday, we (Me, Mark, Nathan, Crystal and Sierra) or making another road trip, to go see my brother. I want to see him, it’s been a while, and at the same time, I want him to meet Crystal. I told him about her, and about the feelings and things, the other day. He was shocked, never had a clue that I was bicurious. lol He’s supportive of it, though. 

Mark’s tried to be supportive too. It’s a little different for him. And we talked, he has been worried that i’d completely fall for her and leave him. That’s not going to happen. It’s not a one or the other kind of situation.

I was cuddly with him in bed yesterday morning, and I asked him if he’d be more ok with it if he was a part of it, if and when it ever turns physical. But he’s only with me. If I ever had an actual threesome, i’d likely lose feelings for him. That;’s what happened with the last time a boyfriend and I had a threesome. That was with two guys, never had a girl/girl/guy threesome. But, I broke up with him right after. I don’t know why my feeling changed. But I do NOT want that to happen with him. He treats me so well, he amazing. What worries me, if he is involved at all, even just participating with me only, will that change my feelings for him, too. I really don’t know. For the most part, my feelings are like a light switch that I have control over. On/off. 

Now let me add.............IF I were to feel comfortable with him being there, Crystal would be the one to make the final decision. It depends on what she’s comfortable with. I still don’t even know how I feel about it. If we go there, I kinda wanted it to be just her and I. I want it to be pure an special. She means a lot to me. With a guy, I like rough and wild sex. But I feel that if I were ever to be with her in that way, i’d want it to be a little different.

Now, that’s IF we ever explore the physical side of things. I am curious about it, and I honestly think i’d better good at it. I’m a very oral person. But I don’t know if it may feel......awkward? I don’t think it would be, as close as we are. I don’t even know how she feels about going there. I don’t know how I feel completely either. I’m thinking I may be comfortable with it at some point. But, at this point, i’m content with the way things are. Spending time together, holding hands, a little kiss here and there. It’s new to me, and new to her, but it feels right. 

If/when we ever do... I think it would be nice to go in together on a nice hotel room. One with a jaccuzi tub would be a nice touch. Flowers on the nightstand, rose petals on the bed, champagne with strawberries, candles, soft music. I want a special, romantic night. And if we get there and we chicken out (lol) on making love, we could still cuddle and enjoy the room, spend time alone. I’d miss Mark for the night, but it would only be one night. I strongly prefer our first time to be just US. As far as after that, still undecided. 

In one way, it would be nice to involve him. It’s one of his fantasies, I believe and truthfully i’ve had threesome fantasies before. Though, with us it wouldn’t be an actual threesome. It would be she and I and him and I. I’m just afraid it will change my feelings somehow. But I feel so close to both of them, it might still feel special with both of them, idk. I don’t want him to feel left out, pushed away. This is just complicated as crap! Oh well, we will figure it out in time. 

I want to plan a romantic hotel night with Mark sometime, too. I’ve been wanting that for so long. I always hoped he would plan something like that for me. I guess i’ll be the one planning it. Would be more special if he did, though. Nathan even offered to pay for the room for us at one point. Which was sweet and surprising. Wish when I was with Nathan he would have done that kind of thing for me more often. I remember getting jacuzzi sweet one time, but i’m pretty sure it was my idea? Not totally sure.

I wish Nathan had been more affectionate with me back when we were together. I don’t think we would have fallen apart the way we did. (BUT, I wouldn’t have met Mark, so I do believe things happen for a reason). He was never very affectionate, he never caressed my skin, tickled my back or anything unless I asked. And even then, could tell he didn’t want to and would conveniently fall asleep while doing so. lol 

Mark, he’s very affectionate. He’s often wanting to hold my hand or cuddle, or both. Kisses, caresses, often without being asked. He likes to rub my butt..lol Makes me feel wanted. He’s an amazing guy, I love him so much. He’s the only guy i’ve been with who is that affectionate, other than my first fiance when I was 17. I loved how affectionate he was, but he turned into an abusive jerk. Mark, he’s never been abusive toward me, he hardly even gets angry at me, doesn’t yell at me. I hit him at one point, unfortunately, and he didn’t hit me back. We really don’t even fight. We rarely get a little aggravated at each other. And it’s already been 5 years. 

I feel bad about the way things happened with Nathan. I didn’t treat him the way I wished I had. I was pretty good to him, but not good enough. We had our problems. And then his lack of affection made me feel more like we were friends than lovers. I am happy that he’s still in my life, and hope he always will be. But I do wish I could go back and fix a few things. I had a hard time handling emotions and stress, I was not being treated for my bipolar, so that didn’t help. All those animals kept us stressed, that was a huge mistake. 

Mark keeps falling asleep, I wonder why he’s so tired today. Hope he’s not getting sick. I planned to donate today, but I think i’m going to do it Tues an Thurs instead. Need the money though, there is a pretty white floral dress I want, it’ like $22, a good deal. I figure it would be a good dress to wear for Easter. Yes, I tend to plan way ahead. lol But, it’s so pretty. 

I got my black hair dye last night. I and re-doing the underneath black, and maybe put a few streaks throughout. But, my roots are already showing, so i’m probably going to wait until I recolor with red. I got a really light blonde for Sierra’s highlights and burgundy for underneath. If her grandma sees it, she will bitch like she did last time. lol I personally think it looks good! 

Alright, this time i’m really going to go. lol Will blog again soon! :)

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