#i made some stupid partner choices but never used sex as self harm

[nostradamousse]

I'm all sorts of fucked up but if you really think about it I'm surprisingly sane considering the shit I've been through.

[imaginedcreaderinsert]

Jason’s Room — Jason Todd x Reader (+ Dick Grayson)

SUMMARY: “Yeah?”You hear music; it’s loud, deafening probably, but you don’t have to worry about waking up your partner.Dick is out patrolling, and the bed is now cold. You try and warm yourself up in the duvet. Still doesn’t help, but there’s a rush that slowly burning up your body.No one talks, but you’ve seen the caller ID; enough to make you worry after checking the time, see if it was an emergency. But Jason seems to be frozen.“Jay, I saw it was you. Everything alright?”

WORD COUNT: 2140.

TW: Angsty, toxic relationship implied. Some cheating can be read, but is not acted on. Jason Todd is not portrayed as a good person on this one.

A/N: I have no excuse for writing this, other than really wanting to, which I think it’s a good step, seeing as I’ve abandoned writing for my own pleasure completely. So yeah, just have this.

LYRICS COMPLETELY TAKEN FROM “Marvin’s Room”, by Drake.

Bitches in my old phone

I should call one and go home

I've been in this club too long

 He’s really so fucking drunk. He shouldn’t be allowed to go out on nights like that, but he still does.

(Maybe clinging to the idea that someone will call him up and say “hey, don’t go, I know you’re bad, let’s talk?”.

 He’s stupid, really stupid. Stupid enough to-)

 No, he’s already drinking up another shot, from that lined up column of alcohol in front of him. Jason’s pretty sure he’s at a new club, but he can’t say for sure: nothing is familiar and yet everything echoes in him for a reason: faces, blurred-out expressions of joy and a world going too fast around him; music beating too hard in his chest, making his heart almost leap out of it; laughter that he’s not sure that’s coming out of him really, even as he feels his smile growing, a charismatic and cocky attitude coming out of him.

He could have anyone he wanted; Jason knows he doesn’t have the suave attitude of the family, and yet “the bad boy” always attracts a certain crowd of girls he feels like he could go in for that night.

Jason knows he could, but doesn’t. His hand moves up and down this gorgeous girl at her side, a bronzed goddess, but his eyes move to check up his phone: no new messages or calls.

It’s obsessive really. It must have been the third time he’s done that since his last shot, but… It’s infuriating to know he’s not needed.

 (He is; there’s always that stupid booty call, the fucking vigilante stuff he feels less and less like going in for – it now means something different, something that wrecks him up inside – or the casual reaching out he’s not really interested in deepening.

Just not by that one person he hasn’t heard anything from in the last weeks.

And you said you’d call by now (“in a week or so”), and yet--)

  The woman that I would try

Is happy with a good guy

But I've been drinkin' so much

That I'ma call her anyway, and say

 “Yeah?”

You hear music; it’s loud, deafening probably, but you don’t have to worry about waking up your partner.

Dick is out patrolling, and the bed is now cold. You try and warm yourself up in the duvet. Still doesn’t help, but there’s a rush that slowly burning up your body.

No one talks, but you’ve seen the caller ID; enough to make you worry after checking the time,  see if it was an emergency... But Jason seems to be frozen.

“Jay, I saw it was you. Everything alright?”

“Fuck, I-Fuck, no, I’m-Agh, I’ave to get out of ‘ere… Excuse YOU!” He drags out the vocals; tone is sleazy, lazy, and you would recognize that anyone, of course.

“Are you drunk? Jason?”

You feel incredibly naked, even with your thick pajamas out; you’ve lived this out too many times, and you can almost see him climb your bed.

It’s been a long time since he’s done that, but it’s something you will always remember: the creaking of the wood, springs of the bed, rustling of sheets as he tossed sheets here and there all night.

(The stupid “I love you’s”, the lazy and very drunken make-outs, while groping each other).

“Jason, are you okay or not?”

I know you still think about the times we had

I say fuck that nigga that you think you found

And since you picked up, I know he's not around, oh oh

I'm just sayin' you could do better

 Cause even if those VERY BLURRY nights that you can’t almost remember were nice, there were also the others; those which kind of made you hold onto Dick tighter in bed, at dawn when he sneaked in, cold skin, occasionally bruised. He felt so precious and delicate under the first rays of sun, as his dreams started to die under his eyelids, barely any movement in his body save the soft breathing out of his mouth. Too precious, and too yours.

You loved him entirely and completely. He made you feel so happy you wanted to cry at times; there was nothing lacking, not the sex, not the affection.

 But Jason doesn’t think the same.

What about the rush, what about the times you’ve had?

“Why you pick up?” I know he’s not there, he implies, but doesn’t say. She knows too. “It’s late. Thought you were now reformed; no phone after 2AM or something like that, right?”

“Some of us have jobs. Unfortunately, I don’t have a fortune to fall back on”.

“Ouch.”

It’s very easy to just talk. They laugh, and she gets up on bed; Jason can picture her, duvet up to her chin, propping up her pillow (the best he’s had), to talk better, while still charging the phone. He hears the rustling on her side, meaning she’s staring at the side he used to sleep in. She always loved to sleep tucked into his chest.

“You still haven’t answered.”

“Right back at ya’. Are you okay?”

A really difficult question for a drunken and very honest man at 3AM in the morning.

If he was a better man, he would wish her a goodnight and hang up; no more talking, no more suggesting, no more playing with fire. If he was a better man, he probably wouldn’t be drunk-texting girls to “cheer him up” after this call, and he would just go home, sleep it off, and go at it again another night.

But he really is not, and it’s too late to go back now. That’s at least what he tells himself, what he tries to entitle himself into: he feels too much, he’s had it bad the last couple of weeks without you. So, he is owed that.

And that is his mistake, for no one is entitled to anything over anyone, no matter their own personal suffering.

“I guess.” Vague; but enough to let her get out, not dig in. Which is really a trap when he knows of your good nature, but he tells himself that it’s your choice (your fault!) for asking about it.

“That’s… Comforting, I guess. Friend calling at 3AM, probably lost and unaware of where he is right now, fucking drunk and in a completely safe neighborhood, I’m sure…”. There’s a sigh. He hates hearing you sigh; it’s always cause you’re so tired of him, he knows, he knows. And he hates himself for it, makes him feel so useless. “Just send me your location, I’ll guide you home.”

‘But aren’t you on Blüdhaven?’, he naïvely wants to ask, just to almost punch himself right after. She means the safe house or whatever place is near, that she might have still saved as her favorite or most usual locations at Gotham.

Tell me, have you heard that lately?

I'm just sayin' you could do better

And I'll start hatin' only if you make me

 “So, why you pick up?”, he asks again, just enough sober. His stomach is in knots from the alcohol (and not waiting for your answer, just hearing your voice and talking to you). He’s on a taxi, and the yellow lights on him are making him sleepy. “I answered.”

It’s 4.38AM. Sending a cab there was easy enough once you had his location and Jason swore he wasn’t moving anymore. Bless technology, you think to yourself now a bit irritated for wanting to sleep and not being able to. Your lids are heavy, and the sheets too soft.

“Obviously cause’ I’m an idiot who forgot to silence their phone.” It’s a half-joke. If you had done just like Dick had suggested, you would not be having that conversation. You change sides in your bed, now looking outside, to the window; Jason’s sigh is audible. You almost feel a heavy and ghostly arm bracing you from behind. “If the info is correct, you should be arriving home soon. Wanna hang up?”

“I miss you.”

A beat.

Breath knocked out of your lungs and silence only interrupted by your dramatic mouth breathing. You literally forgot to breathe; that’s how being with Jason used to make you feel.

As exciting and exhilarating every night out or in with him was, it was not good for you. The nights that were good, but the bad ones, really made your feel like shit. And if someone loves you, they will never hurt you. You know, you so know, how bad he’s had it: but that’s not an excuse for his shitty behavior, his stupid harmful jokes or the way he made you feel.

“Jason, it’s been a long week, I know.”

“No, I know, I know-I’m not-I’m not trying to-“. A sigh. His sighs always broke you: too tired, too broken. Jason always had a way with words, but you managed to sometimes kill that off too. “I don’t want to start out anything. I just want to say sorry. I wanted to, but I know-fuck, I really KNOW-“

“Don’t scream, please.” Firm. Cold.

He’s losing you.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m an ass.” He laughs; it’s self-deprecating and you hate it, but you really don’t have the energy right now. “I…”. Nothing comes out. There’s a long silence. Inhale, exhale (“Jason, just breathe, please”): “I love you. Probably more than I would ever admit to do, and you mean so much to me, but I fucked up big time. And I know, I know-” He emphasizes, without elevating his tone. “-I know you’re so happy with him, fuck! It’s disgusting. It’s fucking bizarre to see you two together.” Poison that he spits, that’s eating him out; acid destroying everything inside, every little nerve of sanity still inside. “And yet, I can’t stop-I really think I don’t want to stop thinking on whatever we had, on the kiss we shared-“

“Jay, that was not-“

“No, I know. I know, but we shared it, and it brought me memories, and you closed off! Fuck, I had you to myself, we were-fuck.”

He curses out for a bit. You let him vent, sighing and putting your hand over your eyes, as if to stop everything from happening. No more 3AM calls.

Had it been pretty shitty of you to get with his “brother”? Maybe, but it wasn’t on purpose or with a malicious intent. It really had been pure coincidence that you had hit if off on one of the galas where Jason stood you up, with a considerable hangover and too sick to move anywhere. That, with the argument you had been having more and more often… Jason wasn’t sure you were even going to show up, but there they had met, and he regrets it every day.

 (But sometimes…

 Sometimes they look so perfect that he thinks they might just have been destined to happen, one way or another. If it was not in a gala, maybe a rescue, maybe a touch on the street, a crush, a rude Gothamite exchange of words as you clashed onto each other.

 Whatever. It just happened and now you two were together.)

 “Jason, I was never… “Only yours” to have.”

“On that we can agree. We never really settled, and I didn’t ever treat you nice.”

Not like she wanted; he knew. They were just… Casual friends who fucked every two weeks, who occasionally kissed and got jealous over the other receiving attention from the opposite sex (sometimes same sex). Despite what everyone else thinks, he is quickly to see others social intentions; her whispers on his skin, the brightness on her eyes whenever they would do it with such intimacy, the cuddling… No, he knew, of course he did, that she wanted more.

Jason just wasn’t ready for it. He might never be, but it’s not your fault; never was, never will. And he might just have lost forever the one thing he wanted.

But that’s the thing: everyone wants the chocolate scoop. But what they might need for a change is something they’ve never tried before.

“I don’t know what you’re babbling on about ice cream, Jay. I really…”. She’s tired, he knows. From him, from Dick and his waiting (she never really liked him going on rounds); from just having to bear with all the weight of the world on her naked and frail shoulders. “It’s not the time for this conversation. Can we… Talk another time?”

A beat.

Inhale, exhale.

“Yeah.”. Tired, so tired. Lids closing off,. “I’m here anyways, so I’ll hang up…”. Silence; insufferable silence. He closes his eyes for a second. “Have a goodnight.”

“You too, Jason.”

He’s not there, but he will be soon. He hopes for that, at least; everything will be easier.

[writingawaymylife]

NSFW Alphabet Higgs 18+

A/N: This has me now writing a Higgs smut. So that’s exciting! Also, everything under the cut because this is mature shit - so please be aware of that!

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He isn’t one for cuddling or gently helping you come down. After you’ve both come undone he’ll hover over you, or hold you on top of him for a moment. Just enjoying the comedown, and the heat and warmth of it all. Eventually, he’ll need to either get off of you, or get you off of him. Might go have a shower, get something to drink, have a smoke - whatever he feels he needs in that moment. 

If it was a particularly rough session, he would probably be more keen on how you’re doing. Asking if you’re alright, sticking beside you and just talking. No cuddling. He doesn’t really enjoy clammy, hot bodies after it all. 

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He doesn’t really have a favourite of his - but, if he had to chose, it would probably be his hands, or his tongue. This man has got some big hands, and those fingers? Just as skilled as his tongue. This man knows how to use his hands and mouth. Trust me.  

Higgs loves your neck and jaw. Leaving marks along your throat, a small bruise underneath the corner of your jaw. Drives him crazy seeing those pretty little marks once they start appearing. 

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Loves coming in your mouth. The way your lips press a little tighter around him, how your throat constricts as you try to take it all down. And when you come up, and some slips onto your lips and you lick it off? This man will turn to putty just at the sight - or go absolutely feral. 

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Tie this man up. Make him your whore. He tries to act like he is 100% into only having control, that he would never let someone make him scream. But if you give him that look, and hold his hands down? He wouldn’t be able to find it in him to fight it. He would just nod at whatever orders you gave him, let you completely bend and take him how you pleased, and he would love every minute of it.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Higgs has most definitely had some experience. Maybe not a lot, but he knows what he’s doing. Trust me, this man is a quick learner. Whatever you like, however you need to be pleased, he’ll find it all out, and he’ll have you crying before he’s even close to being done with you. He loves having you melt underneath him like that, and he’s willing to be as observant as possible to make it happen. 

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

He loves when you ride him. When he’s sitting up, back against the headboard and hands on your hips, moving you how he likes. You might be on top of him, but trust me, this man will still have control. Have you begging as he keeps to pace just below what you need, able to kiss along your neck and down your chest. Able to grab whatever he wants without anything obstructing his hands. 

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Depends. Sometimes he’s in a mood. He doesn’t want to talk or think, he just wants you and you alone. 

Most times, he’s unable to keep a straight face. Either through teasing you, driving you crazy and making you want to almost throttle him from his taunting words - or through random, dry humoured comments that have you laughing, and totally ruin the atmosphere for the moment. Too serious and he gets uncomfortable, it feels to professional for a situation that is anything but. So expect him to make some stupid, offhanded, sassy comment in the middle of everything, sometimes without him even thinking about it.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He keeps himself clean down there. Trimmed - neat. Nothing too fancy or overly high maintained. 

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Not the romantic type. The man isn’t one for soft, romantic, “making-love”. It just makes him uncomfortable, being that intimate. But eventually, as he gets more comfortable with you, he will take on his own version. 

The moments are far more sensual, if anything. Firm, sharp. Hands grabbing at your hips and dragging you close. Teeth nipping at skin and leaving small bruises, if you let him. Kisses are slower, more intimate in these moments, but there is still teeth and nips. Words mere whispers as he tells you how good you are for him, how amazing you’re making him feel.  

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

If he has to. Not against it, not really for it. He’s far more into fucking you over his hand, but if he has to he will. Quick tugs in a quick moment, eyes closed as he thinks about you and your lips and hand as he brings himself over the edge. 

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Being tied up or tying you up - whichever works at the time, whichever you’re comfortable with. This is probably his go to. Loves feeling that twist in his stomach when his hands are tied over his head, only for you of course. 

Edging: This man can and will edge you for hours, when given the chance. Loves watching you squirm and beg, the way your body shakes as you get close, how your muscles clench tight when he leaves you just on the edge. And the way he can just take you for however long he wants. 

Edge play: He isn’t keen on actually cutting into your skin - he doesn’t want to cause any real harm. But he loves trailing his knife along your body, pressing it just enough where there’s that slight sting - cutting off your underclothing with a slightest flick of his wrist. Loves it. 

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Literally anywhere. Take you on the kitchen counter, the couch, the bed, the shower. Outside? He doesn’t care. Fuck you right on the ground - or maybe even against the truck or on the reverse trek. However, he can’t complain that a bed is the most comfortable - and that shower sex is amazing - so he would probably say those two are his favourite. 

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Anything. Though he loves when you lean down a little more than needed to grab a cargo box, and the way your Timefall suit clings to your ass… drives him crazy. Sometimes you just get a little more snarky with him than usual, maybe your sass turns a little mote flirtatious, or maybe you just kicked ass in some MULE camp, and it just gets him going. 

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Voyeurism isn’t something he’s particularly keen on. Even when you’re out in the middle of the day, he tries to make sure it’s private. The risk of being caught is something he finds hot, but the actual act of getting seen while in the middle of something like that? He doesn’t like that idea, and he doesn’t like the thought of others seeing you like that, either. 

He also won’t do anything that causes too much harm. He doesn’t like when hands touch his throat, and he doesn’t really like wrapping his hand around yours either. Hitting, spanking, anything with blunt force makes him uncomfortable and can easily trigger him. Also there’s bathroom play - but I don’t really think I need to explain why on that account. 

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

As much as he loves seeing your mouth around his cock, he loves giving. He loves the fact that he is the one making you feel this way, and that you are completely at his mercy. If he wants to stop he just can, leaving you breathless and begging. If he wants to push you a little further, have you come undone even further, drive you blind with pleasure? He can. He loves it. 

And trust me - you will too. This man knows what he’s doing. 

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Depends. He’s more into rough, firm, slow. Taking you in just a way where he can drive you crazy with want, along with himself, before finally giving in to what you both need. Sometimes he’s fast and rough - but he prefers to take his time, to watch you slowly come undone until your falling apart at the seams. 

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He really would rather take his time, but if time doesn’t allow that, he will most certainly go in for a quickie. 

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Absolutely loves to experiment. As long as it isn’t anything part of the no subject, he will give it a shot. 

Once you two got stuck in BT territory in your truck, were stuck there for a while. Higgs, being the creative bastard he is, came up with a very fun idea - seeing who could stay quiet the longest. Whoever made the first noise above a whimper or a muffled moan? They were at the will of whatever the other wanted when they got back home. 

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He can go for a few rounds. 

Unless he is really excited, he will probably last a long while too.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

If you had some toys, he would probably be up for using them. Whether that be on himself or you, he doesn’t mind. But he doesn’t own any of his own.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He loves teasing. Edging, getting you amped up without even touching you properly? Loves it. 

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He’s pretty quiet when you first start exploring with him. Keeps things to grunts and groans, definitely strings of curses - though he is definitely vocal when it comes to comments and jokes. However, eventually he starts getting more comfortable with you, and he gets a bit louder. He isn’t one for growling and crying out - not unless you are on top and your pulling them from him - but they will slip out. 

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Loves watching you tease yourself. When you’re completely at his mercy, and he has to tell you how fast or where to touch, it’s a giant boost to his pride. The fact that you are technically in control, and yet still gave him the wheel of the bus. 

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Higgs isn’t the thickest, but man has he got some length to him. 

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He’s a slut. You could look at him from across the room and he’d already be taking off his clothing. 

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Usually takes him a while. He has a hard time falling asleep in general. So, while sex does help calm his mind and tire him out more, he still finds himself awake for a while afterwards. 

[greenninjagal-blog]

You said dlamp was one of your favorites! Maybe we can get some good fanfics of that!? 🥰😍😂🤩

Ah, you anons, always knowing exactly what I want to read. 

Plea for my new self - Vampire Virgil becomes the sugar daddy to three broke college students and his ex lover (who is also a vampire). Also Roman will do whatever it takes to get Virgil just to bite him please, and Patton’s thoughts are the least innocent thing about him.

Incredible Cosmic Power - Virgil does his best to not become an anime protagonist but still ends up awakening three genies and being dragged on a quest.

To Tie a Knot - Ethel’s soulstring gets cut before he ever meets the one he’s destined to be with and second chances aren’t supposed to happen but he can’t think of what else it could mean when he wakes up with four new strings wrapped around his fingers.

Sketches Of A Soul - Patton usually draws on himself to hide his urges to self harm but when his soulmates can now see everything he draws on himself....well things get a little dicey. If telling the truth isn’t an option, what other choice is there?

True Loves’ Kiss - Virgil is cursed and his boyfriends keep him company while they try to lift the spell.

The four times Roman fell in love and the one time everybody fell in love with him. - Roman falls in love, again and again, and again, and again.

Four Human-Eating Monsters and An Apathetic Florist - Virgil’s soulmates eat people.

A Snake’s Skin - Janus can fluster his boyfriends by merely showing a tiny bit of skin and he takes full of advantage of that.

My Memories Came Back In the Form of Someone Else - Patton, a well known adventurer, sometimes gets flashes of memories from someone else, but they’ve lead him to his best friends and his current adventuring team. However when they get a new quest from a strange old man those memories become a bit....harder to ignore.

Until the Day it Becomes a Pumpkin - Anime style After School Clubs au where Logan and Dee are pining after Virgil, Virgil is in love with Patton, Patton only has eyes for Roman, and Roman only wants Dee. Remus owns the one braincell and he uses to chaotically.

Mother Hen - Dee takes care of the others and they take care of him.

Branching Out - Stardew Valley au where Roman moves into the abandoned house his grandfather left him and everyone in town seems hellbent on befriending him.

to love a liar (i'll see you in my dreams) - Dee tells lies and grows up believing that no one can love a snake, not even the other animals in his dreams. Remus says “fuck that noise”. 

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Put on Your Pants - Remus meets all of Roman’s soulmates first despite everything Roman does to prevent that.

Touchdown! - Dee shoots his shot with the four most popular guys in his year at the football game.

My Soulmate, My Slave - Prince Logan and his lover Dee have been looking for their soulmates for a long time. Luckily the newest palace slave seems to have something familiar on his chest.

Touch Me Gently - Roman’s never been afraid of his soulmates, despite the concerning placements of all his soulmarks. 

Destined - Dee hasn’t met his soulmates and has no plan on ever doing so. The universe says “fuck that” and gives him another soulmate bound that is....much harder to ignore.

A Plus One - When Dee gets invited to an office party and asks his friends all separately to be his plus one, he doesn’t expect them all to say yes and he most definitely can’t pick three to say no to.

The Tradition of Happiness - Virgil had been so scared to go on his Ad Aetatem, but now he finds himself wondering if he even wants to go back.

Seven kinds of flowers under his pillow (four kinds of flowers in his lungs) - Dee puts flowers under his pillow hoping it will make his crushes fall in love with him but instead he gets flowers in his lungs.

It’s Always Been This Way (Hasn’t It?) - A shameless self promotion on my part: a hogwarts au where Dee is a deatheater (probably), Virgil gets caught in a lie, Patton forgot he has depression but not how much a certain Slytherin means to him, Roman will do whatever it takes to protect his family, and Logan doesn’t know if he can trust himself. And everything is made more complicated by a time turner and an unbreakable vow.

Blessed Warmth - Dee goes out for a heated blanket and goes home with a soulmate. (And then passes out)

Little Words - The only things it took for Virgil to actually meet his soulmates was a crash and a few words written on his left hand.

got no strings - Dee cannot see soulstrings but that does not stop him from conning every person stupid enough to thing he can. This includes his roommate (whom he most definitely isn’t pinning for) and his roommate’s new trio of crushes (whom he also isn’t pining for). 

Together - To be fair, they did ask Deceit if he wanted to join them. But....Deceit just doesn’t like sex like they do.

Freeze Your Brain - Local idiots huddle for warmth

The Vampire Hunting Vampire - Virgil doesn’t mind being held captive and forced to help his handlers catch other Vampires, but he does mind the incessant hunger for blood that means he’s constantly at risk for tearing out  Patton’s throat. (Why can’t his dumb partners see how dangerous he is?)

Glitter into Gold - Roman’s prank misses Virgil and hits Logan and they’re all gay.

Warmth in the Storm - Virgil introduces his boyfriends to his son.

hands to yourself (or not, preferably) - Roman has a thing about touching. (He really likes it)

Last To Know - Doing things out of order seems to the the only way they know how to do things. Aka: They move into together, get married, and then Logan gets around to talking about feelings.

Deceit v. Touch Starvation - Take a guess.

Taken - Deceit is kidnapped by the Dragon Witch and he doesn’t think anyone is coming to save him.

Colors of the Heart - You can’t see certain colors until you see your soulmate cry and well...Solace (deceit) is pretty good at making people cry.

Golden Thread - Janus has an invisible thread around his tongue that urges him to lie to the others. Unfortunately, this is not a situation he can risk lying it, and the others don’t seem to get that.

Protector - Virgil is a monster hunter, but... its so much easier just to help them than kill them.

Snakey Days - Janus turns into a snake when tired.

One More - Janus isn’t part of their group, but he’s there for them when they need him regardless.

Absent Ash - Janus’s four loves died six years ago, and getting over it is... hard. Just when he thinks he might be getting somewhere with this recovery shtick, he comes face to face with a face from his past.

The Family Secrets - Virgil is a secret witch who lives with his best friends who are 100% normal. Or at least he thinks they are until his magic starts getting out of control, and they...don’t seem... surprised. 

(Un)Wanted - Virgil runs straight into a fairy circle to get away from his village. 

And now for some lovely nsfw stuff!!

Janus Finds Out That He Is, In Fact, A Huge Bottom (Shocker) - Janus finds out he’s a bottom when his boyfriends tie him to a chair.

i’ll sink for you - Janus is a master hypnotist and the others like being hypnotized and are horny.

Trend Setter - A bet with his best friend Remy leads to Virgil showing up naked for his boyfriends and filming their reactions.

What You’ve Begging For - Janus is practically asking for Patton to punish him. They all find out how much they like it.

Cry Me A River - Remus cheats on Patton so obviously the only way to get revenge is to video Patton having sexy fun times with his friends in every surface of Remus’s apartment and sending it to him.

Sense5 - Five Guys from different countries suddenly find themselves psychologically linked and able to interact despite having never met each other before.

my desired - Janus is the naga in the woods between four villages that demands their most unwanted be given over. Not for human sacrifice or anything, but apparently no one told Virgil, Logan, Patton, nor Roman that.

For more fun fics recs lists by me check out my Fic Rec Masterlist!

[houseofzoey]

Characters

Zoey Zoey’s role in this book was minimal. She spent the first half of the book on the Isle of Skye, deliberately avoiding returning to Tulsa because she didn’t want to deal with Neferet and the fight against Darkness (also school, which is pretty stupid given how irrelevant her classes have been for most of the series). This could have been a great chance to show how burdened Zoey is, how complicated and frightening her responsibilities are and how ill-prepared she feels to deal with them, but the author never deals with it in a meaningful way.

First, Zoey has never really done much of anything in this series. She’s an extremely passive character who desperately lacks agency and only acts because the plot (or Nyx) forces her to. For her to complain about being stressed and needing a break feels bratty and disingenuous. Moreover, she does a really terrible job of giving any consideration toward the consequences of taking a break. She knows that her role is pivotal to stopping Kalona – she knows that her not being around means Kalona and Neferet win. Aphrodite has had multiple visions to this effect. But Zoey never once thinks about this, nor does she think about what it means to leave her friends to deal with Neferet and Kalona and Darkness in general. She literally only thinks about how this situation affects her. That’s not the perspective of a stressed and overworked leader; that’s the attitude of a spoiled brat who doesn’t care about anyone but herself.

She doesn’t grow or mature or come to any important realizations while she’s hiding on the Isle of Skye, though I get the sense that P.C. Cast did intend for something to that affect. Zoey was meant to be scared and tired and in need of a break, but eventually had to come to terms with the fact that she can’t hide in paradise forever and needs to go back to her old life. But she doesn’t. There’s no self-reflection. There’s no sense of change in her attitude or behaviour. She literally only returns to Tulsa because Jack died and she needs to attend (and lead) a funeral.

Moreover, P.C. Cast perfectly arranges the plot so that Jack’s death never interferes with all the magical frolicking and specialness that Zoey gets basked in on Skye. She’s able to learn about Old Magick and dance with sprites at her leisure, explore the sexual side of her relationship with Stark without urgency or interruption (we’ll get to that), and just generally have a completely worry-free vacation. Like, the fate of her friends and the fight against Neferet/Darkness is barely on her mind unless it’s specifically brought up. She even gets the pleasure of being praised for her specialness and bowed to by a queen.

Zoey’s relationship with Stark takes an important step in this book, what with them having sex for the first time, but the whole thing is handled so poorly. For one thing, Zoey regards having sex as meaning she’s in a “Real Relationship” now, which is a super unhealthy perspective to encourage teens to have toward sex. Someone having sex with you does not mean they are in love with you and it’s a serious relationship, and presenting it in this way opens up the possibility for very dangerous, harmful manipulation. Moreover, Zoey and Stark make a big deal about tying their wishes for their future to the Hanging Tree and swearing to be together forever – even though, out of text, P.C. Cast has said multiple times that she thinks it’s stupid when readers get worked up over Zoey having multiple partners because she’s too young to settle into a long-term commitment. So why the hell is she forming permanent soul bonds and making life-long promises to Stark?

Zoey’s only contribution to the actual plot is to lead a funeral rite. Which she immediately screws up by calling Jack by the wrong name, something that no one ever points out or corrects. This means that not only did P.C. Cast forget and not double-check Jack’s name, but Kristin didn’t pick up on this error, and neither did their official editor. Not one single person in this entire process realized Zoey was saying the wrong name, even though Jack was explicitly named after a character from Brokeback Mountain and his name should have been very easy to remember.

Well, Zoey did sort of have one other contribution to this plot. She used her new title as queen! And it was infuriating! See, because Zoey is queen, she’s able to supersede the need for High Council approval to open a new House of Night, allowing her and her friends to go start a new HoN in the tunnels away from Neferet. But they don’t actually start a HoN because they don’t have any classes and just… declare that they’re going to be bussed to and from the tunnels every night. So, essentially, Zoey uses her new title of queen to force Neferet to let her set up her own private dorm just for her and her friends.

Also, Zoey got a seer stone from Sgiach and does absolutely nothing with it during this book, even though it maybe would have actually been helpful for revealing the Darkness around Neferet. But I don’t actually know for sure, because its not especially clear what a seer stone does or what Old Magick actually is.

Stevie Rae In Burned, Stevie Rae spent much of the book being stressed and confused about her secret sort-of-romance with Rephaim, while also nominally acting as a stand-in High Priestess in Zoey’s absence and only just barely doing anything about the murderous rogue fledglings.

In this book, Stevie Rae… spends most of her time being stressed and confused about her secret sort-of-romance with Rephaim, while also nominally acting as a stand-in High Priestess in Zoey’s absence and being weirdly resistant to all attempts to actually get Zoey to return to Tulsa.

The worst part about her role in these two books being basically the exact same is that it really shouldn’t be. At the end of Burned, Stevie Rae and Rephaim parted ways because Kalona’s soul had returned to his body and Rephaim made it clear that he wouldn’t be able to stand against his father. There’s some discussion of this at the beginning of the book, with them being upset about being apart for an indeterminate period of time (the length of the timeskip is really unclear). It’s resolved pretty quickly and anticlimactically, though. Jack dies, Rephaim shows up, Stevie Rae sees him and there’s a tense moment. Then Stevie Rae calls him to her because she wants him to tell her what he knows about what happened to Jack – and, of course, they immediately return to the way they were before.

But this is also exactly what happened in the previous book! Stevie Rae was all determined that she was going to get information from Rephaim no matter what, that she would fight him if she had to regardless of their Imprint, and then… she didn’t. And the exact same thing happened in this book. This isn’t a parallel. This isn’t a callback. It’s just the author dragging out and regurgitating the same plotline.

Rephaim is such a defining part of Stevie Rae’s story that it even takes over her conversation with her mom. Stevie Rae hasn’t seen or spoken to her mom in about two months, and up until this scene Stevie Rae’s mom believed her daughter was dead. But this scene barely focuses on that. Instead, they sit and talk about Rephaim, what he means to Stevie Rae, what she needs to do about the secrets she’s keeping and the lies she’s been telling her friends.

That’s not good storytelling. That’s not building strong, complex female characters. Stevie Rae’s entire plotline is about Rephaim – and it has been since she got her own arc. From the very first chapter we got from Stevie Rae’s perspective, Rephaim became the central focus.

There’s some lip-service paid to her being uncertain in her role as High Priestess, but literally that’s it. It’s brought up once during a confrontation with Neferet and promptly forgotten. This should be a much bigger focus in Stevie Rae’s story. Being a High Priestess, especially a High Priestess of a whole new type of vampyre, is a huge responsibility and has enormous implications for her future. Figuring out what it means to be a High Priestess, what kind of leader she wants to be, what she wants red fledglings and vampyres’ place in broader society to look like – these should be the things that define Stevie Rae’s journey. Her love life should be a subplot, and it should underscore and entwine with the stress and confusion of trying to lead this new society into an uncertain future.

But that’s not what we get. Rephaim is the focus and everything else is background decoration.

Also, for some reason Stevie Rae can’t manage to use her affinity for anything tangible and instead just summons green glows around herself that vanish the instant she loses concentration. Because she is smart and powerful!

The Twins Continue to exist less and less in this series. We enjoyed 159 pages without either of them having a single line of dialogue.

Damien and Jack Jack finally gets a role in the plot! But not, like, a character arc or place in the story that involves any sort of agency. No, Jack gets to be colossally stupid and conveniently isolated so that Neferet can show up and murder him while making it look like an accident. This is because he is pure. Again, this has nothing to do with his choices or his actions or anything involving his agency. Neferet determines that he is pure and wholly untainted by Darkness, and that’s what she needs for a sacrifice.

This is only made worse by how Jack responds to being killed. It’s right before lunch time on campus. He could easily scream and yell and call for help. He could try to use his affinity that was discovered in Tempted and was promptly never explored! For all we know, an affinity for technology means he has technopathy. But no. Instead, Jack sings himself out with a song that the author clearly chose to match his death scene and not because it made any sense for the Celebration Ritual he was supposed to be preparing for.

And then, once he’s dead? He’s not allowed to be angry! He’s not allowed to grieve the life he lost and the people he left behind! Nope. Instead, he’s eternally happy and joyful with Nyx. Because he’s so pure, you guys! Isn’t it great that he’s pure? Isn’t it fine that he died if he’s happy?

This is the most infuriating and needless death scene in the series thus far.

All of this also means that Damien gets to feature more prominently compared to other recent installations in the series. He, however, doesn’t really do anything. He just mourns. Which makes sense – his boyfriend just died – but the way other characters respond to it is really telling. First, everyone acts like Jack was Damien’s life partner and this death is comparable to Dragon’s loss of Anastasia. But Damien and Jack have been dating for about two months. That’s it. And yet, at the same time, everyone is panicked that Damien has been crying for hours and can’t sleep and isn’t getting better. This book ends maybe a full day after Jack’s death. Damien has every reason to still be deeply in mourning! It makes absolutely no sense for his friends to already be telling him he needs to move on!

Otherwise, Jack and Damien really don’t have much role in this book other than to be the butt of Aphrodite’s frequent homophobic jokes, as well as a few homophobic comments from Kramisha.

Stark Stark’s role in this series is similar to Zoey’s. They hide out on the Isle of Skye for a while. They have sex. That’s mostly it.

I mean, I guess he has a couple other things going on. Kalona has started entering into the sliver of soul he gave him and taking control, but not much comes of it other than some extremely uncomfortable scenes that ultimately have no long-term impact on this book. It’s setup for the next book, I guess, but it involves no agency on Stark’s part. That’s Kalona’s subplot, not his.

Stark’s actual point of growth in this book is about embracing his affinity and taking up his bow again instead of letting fear of his Dark side and past mistakes rule him. It’s a nice bit of growth, in theory, but in practice it makes absolutely no sense. Stark has never really refused his affinity. Even when he was first introduced and firmly stated to Neferet that he no longer practices archery, he was practicing against targets pretty soon after. In Tempted, after he broke free of Darkness and swore himself to Zoey in Hunted, Stark continued using his bow without hesitation to protect Zoey. The only reason he didn’t use it in Burned is because he wasn’t in a combat situation until he reached the Otherworld, at which point he was forced to use a Guardian claymore. So… Stark only refused to use his bow in this book, and that could only have lasted a day because he was resting in bed the whole time before this.

Kalona In this book, Kalona was dealing with the ramifications of failing to kill Zoey in the Otherworld and thus becoming Neferet’s slave, basically, because of the Oath he swore to her. His goal now is to escape from her dominion. This is emphasized a lot – and it turns out to all be entirely pointless, because he was never actually under her dominion in the first place. By giving a piece of his soul to Stark when he was in the Otherworld, he negated the terms of the Oath.

But we still have to read through all the idiocy and creepiness before this is revealed.

First, the narrative puts in a lot of effort trying to make us feel bad for Kalona and his position under Neferet’s control. Neferet is described with very creepy, predatory, and sex shaming language. Kalona expresses disgust at the thought of her touching him. Clearly, we’re supposed to regard him as a victim here.

But… Look, I know I keep bringing this up, but it’s so important. Kalona is a serial rapist! You can’t brush over that. You can’t take a serial rapist and make me feel sympathetic to them because they feel violated by the person they basically promised their soul to if they failed in a mission.

I mean, there’s a way this could have been handled to actually work toward Kalona’s redemption, but the author is so clueless about writing proper redemption arcs. Kalona’s situation could have been a moment of realization for him. He could have had an epiphany – he could have realized that the way he feels about Neferet’s treatment of him is probably akin to how his victims felt when he first came to Earth. This could have been a moment of him humanizing his victims and feeling remorse for the atrocities he committed against them.

But no. Instead, the authors make it even harder to sympathize with him by having him fantasize about how, when he frees himself of Neferet’s control, he’s going to enslave her.

Then we get into the discovery that he can enter and control Stark through the sliver of soul he gave him. And it’s creepy – but, like, the scene from his perspective is written in such a way that it seems like it’s supposed to be… sympathetic? There’s so much emphasis on how shocked and overjoyed he is to find himself in bed with Zoey, and the language and framing of the scene doesn’t present it as creepy or predatory – not compared to how overtly the language around Neferet’s behaviour shows her as predatory. It’s extremely uncomfortable, specifically because it’s clear that it isn’t supposed to be uncomfortable.

Anyway, Kalona figures out he isn’t actually under Neferet’s control and he and Rephaim decide to test this theory by actively disobeying her during the funeral rite at the House of Night. This is a big part of the climax, and Kalona explicitly kills multiple Sons of Erebus Warriors. It remains to be seen if this will be addressed in any future books. More importantly, Kalona agrees to let Rephaim be free, which is meant to be a huge move toward his redemption. There’s even a WHITE FEATHER!!1! But as far as narrative and his actual character arc goes… This isn’t a redemption moment. Kalona’s villainy was never connected to who he is as a father – it’s about the atrocities he committed against the Cherokee, especially Cherokee women. It isn’t not good that he let Rephaim be free, and he wasn’t a great father, but this shouldn’t be a core moment in his redemption. Being controlled by Neferet (or at least believing he was controlled by her) would have made way more sense to this end.

Aphrodite Aphrodite didn’t really do anything in this book. She made a bunch of homophobic jokes at Jack and Damien’s expense, and she was portrayed as mean and unfair for calling out Zoey for avoiding her responsibilities. She’s also the one who pushes for Zoey to be told about Jack’s death ASAP so she can get back to Tulsa and help them deal with Neferet.

Otherwise? Aphrodite just spends the book being abrasive and unpleasant. Its kind of disappointing, considering she used to be a character with actual agency.

Neferet Neferet’s nefarious plan this book is to do… something. It was explained and it kind of made sense, but I’m just getting so tired of everything being so convoluted and inconsistent. Why does she still care about Zoey? Why doesn’t she just carry on, working the High Council until they give her the position she wants, and then seizing control of vampyre society to start the war she’s always wanted? It’s not like Zoey is an active threat, particularly not at the beginning of this book. I mean, Zoey was in hiding for weeks. Neferet could have done plenty in that time and no one would have been there to stop her.

Even if Neferet feels it’s more important to get Zoey out the way first instead of pursuing her earlier plans, why doesn’t she just… do that? Neferet has used Darkness to kill before without the crime being connected back to her. She does it in this book. She could have done it against Zoey and framed someone else for it. Hell, she could have killed Zoey, framed Stevie Rae for it, and then gotten her war started with the red fledglings just like she and Kalona discussed. Point is, it doesn’t make sense that her plan is so convoluted and involves doing so much but so little at the same time.

It makes even less sense when you get to the end of the book. She’s spent weeks doing nothing, patiently biding her time, playing a careful chess match to get Zoey in the right place so Neferet can trick her into allowing her to reclaim her position of power at the House of Night. But then we get to the end of the book and the white bull offers her a Vessel in exchange for the right sacrifice, and suddenly Neferet is impatient and impulsive. She knows Grandma Redbird is the perfect sacrifice and that Linda is extremely flawed, but she chooses to use Linda to create her Vessel instead of waiting a few hours for Grandma. It makes no sense. She’s sabotaging herself and she knows it. WHY?

Her characterization is also all over the place and deeply stigmatizing of mental illness, so that’s fun.

Nyx

Why didn’t she tell everyone at the funeral that Neferet was responsible for Jack’s death and had allied herself with Darkness? Or at the very least confirm for everyone that Neferet has turned from her path and is no longer listening to the goddess?

Jack feels that he needs to be out by that tree preparing for the Celebration Ritual even though it’s been postponed, the implication being that his intuition (Nyx) is telling him something important is going to happen. The important thing that happens is his murder. Why would Nyx insist that he has to stay right where he is so he can go ahead and die?! Why wouldn’t she send him a gut feeling to warn him to leave?

Why did Nyx appear to Rephaim as a ghost and sway his decisions so directly? She refuses to intervene in this way with anyone else because of her thing with free will.

What the hell was the deal with Rephaim’s punishment? Nyx knows that Rephaim has murdered and raped and committed horrible atrocities for centuries. She knows that he has a romantic relationship with Stevie Rae, who is nocturnal and dies in sunlight. So why is her idea of punishment to turn him into a raven during the day and allow him to be fully human at night? That barely affects him! The only time he spends as a raven is time he would be asleep anyway.

[anxious-vigil]

Misunderstandings (Pt 5/5)

Summary: Virgil needs someone to help him through panic attacks, and Logan seems to be the perfect solution. However when he approaches the other side, assumptions are made and soon he’s left alone and confused, trying to track down Logic just to ask him where things went wrong. Romantic identity angst fic with like a paragraph of crack at the very end. I’ve since realised it’s also heavily inspired by Platonic by @randomslasher so you should go read that as well if you haven’t already. On Ao3 here

Trigger warnings: Graphic descriptions of panic attacks, mentions of self harm, discussions of sexual/romantic identity, some aro-phobic language, lots of arguing and self-deprecation

Pairings: Analogical, background Royality

Chapter 5

Anxiety sits on top of his desk, face pressed against the glass of his window. He doesn't know how long he's been there but he's seen the sun rise and his legs are stiff. A bird with a forked tail flits across his vision. It's deathly quiet, so he can clearly hear slow steps approaching his room accompanied by the clinking of plates. Nowadays Patton tends to bring him breakfast if he misses it so when the knock comes, he waves a hand to click the lock open. “Just... leave it on the bed or something, Pat.” he whispers hoarsely. Crying and yelling have both taken their toll on his voice and he doesn't want to talk anymore than he has to. A soft thud signals the tray being set down and the door shuts gently. He sighs, hating that Pat has to step out of his way like this, he knows how much he makes the older trait worry.

Logan shuts the door and turns to study Virgil carefully. The skin beneath his eyes is badly bruised, his wounds are clearly untreated and he's wearing his old hoodie like a physical weight. He doesn't look like he's moved from his solitary position anytime recently. It nowhere resembles a good situation. Logan clears his throat and Virgil jumps, turning to look at him with wide, frightened eyes and a complexion that shouldn't be naturally grey. He lowers himself slowly to sit cross-legged on the floor as if taming a spooked animal. The logical facet sighs, knowing the only place to start repairing this relationship was at the beginning, difficult as it may be for him.

“Five years ago,” he starts carefully, tracking Virgil's expressions, “Patton and Roman decided they wanted to try being in a romantic relationship.” He sees understanding bloom in Virgil's eyes but he's going to tell this story in all it's sordid details. There will be no more misunderstandings through his fault if he can help it. “At the time, they were also both attracted to me and so decided a triad would be best for everyone involved. I was confused by the whole notion of romantic attraction and told them so. I attempted to inform them of an identity I'd found through research, aromanticism and explained I thought it fitted me and so would prefer not to join them on their venture into the unknown. They didn't really understand, and felt rejected.

As I was not yet sure in myself and did not want to damage their feelings, they managed to persuade me that I needed to try out a romantic relationship rather than dismiss it out of hand. It seemed... logical to explore before settling on a label, and yet, it didn't feel right, but I decided to go along with the others, thinking my emotions were irrational. Those 89 days...,” he pauses, searching for words, “...weren't... good? Patton and Roman were perfect gentlemen but I couldn't seem to be happy. I didn't understand either the grand gestures or the quiet signals and so couldn't reciprocate. Whenever I tried to, to make them happy, it tended to fall flat in a way I couldn't comprehend. According to Roman, it was missing a 'special spark'.” he laughs. “Whatever that is. When they tried to include me on dates, I felt uncomfortable and out of place. I... I hated it.” Anxiety watches him with quiet dismay in his eyes, he's never seen the logical side so emotional. “It came to a head when Patton and Roman decided it was time to add a sexual nature to the relationship. I'd been letting their expertise lead until that point but the idea of sex repulsed me and by then I'd realised it wasn't sustainable to force myself to be someone I wasn't, in pursuit of something I didn't even want, all to try not to upset them.”

He's stopped watching Virgil's reactions now, too caught up in memories. “I left the relationship. They found it difficult to comprehend my reasoning and for a time assumed I didn't enjoy their company at all. I confronted them 27 days after leaving and managed to partially restore our platonic bond. Although they still struggle, they do their best to be supportive. Well... they did.” He blinks back tears. “Please understand I'm not trying to pass off blame, I am entirely without excuse, but I would like to explain. When they saw you trying to cultivate a friendship with me, they assumed a romantic attraction. They presumed you would 'fix' me and our team of four would become two couples. You came to ask me star-gazing the day after Patton gave me the 'shovel talk'.” He looks up to see Virgil sitting cross-legged a few feet away. “Is that the correct usage?” Logan receives a slow nod and takes it as permission to push forward with his side of the story.

“With Patton and Roman telling me you were interested and my lack of understanding on the subject, I assumed they were correct.” He huffs a breath of frustration, removing his glasses to scrub at his eyes. “Stupid, I know, given they'd gotten me completely wrong, to trust their judgement but hindsight really is 20:20, I guess.” A pale hand settles on his. “When you came to me, I'd been stressing over how to break the news to you. I thought I'd done well but you kept coming back and I was terrified of another situation where if I gave an inch, I'd end up trapped because they... you didn't- wouldn't... because you wouldn't understand my needs as much as I didn't understand yours. So I ran and I hid and I was a coward.” Self-loathing shines through his voice and the hand tightens it's grip on his.

“I should have done better by you Virgil, especially given I know what it feels like to have someone get it so completely wrong. I... I want to do better by you, find out what you need as a person, to be the one you come to for comfort, to understand you. The others place so much stock in romantic bonds, I'd...oh.” his eyes blow wide in realisation. “I'd forgotten what platonic attraction felt like.” He says slowly. He feels understanding hit him like a physical blow as he reanalyses his own thoughts and actions over the past years, seeing himself drift away from Patton and Roman, uncomfortable with their excessive affection. “I've been... lonely.” He blinks and watches a tear land on their clasped hands. “I want to be your friend.” Logan whispers. “I don't know if you can ever trust me again. I know it's not the logical choice given how I acted, and I know I landed a lot of information on you just now, pity or some sort of sense of duty isn't exactly the best place to start any relationship, and we're both suffering from some trauma, rationally you should-” Hands cup his face and he looks up into Virgil's half-smile.

“Anxiety isn't rational and if you're willing to put in the work, I am too.” The other half of his smile pulls up. “Can I have my hug now?” Logan pulls him forward desperately, landing Virgil in his lap, wrapping his arms around as much of the other as he can. Neither sides says anything about the sobs that shake them both as they drink in each others presence. They don't talk until they've managed to rearrange into a more comfortable position some time later, Logan leaning against the door, Virgil sideways in his lap, leaning on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. “What now?” Virgil murmurs. “I'd like to clean your wounds, and you should eat something, and then-” “No, uh, I mean, us?” Logan frowned in thought. “Well, I'd want to start of as friends first, as in any good partnership, but eventually, I mean, I'm friends with Patton, but with you, the label...” “It's not quite right.” “Yes, exactly. Already, you're not just a friend to me. I'd like a word that fully encompasses how important you are to me.” He blushes and leans in to kiss the top of Virgil's head to hide his face but sees the clotted blood and rests his hand there instead, frowning slightly. “Queer-platonic.” Virgil blurts quickly, like it's a plaster he needs to rip off. “Could you repeat that, please?” “Uh, queer-platonic. I, um, found it when I was googling aromanticism on tumblr-” “Googling... on tumblr?” “Shut up.” “Ok, but I'm judging you.” Virgil snickers. “Whatever. It's different things to different people, some kiss, some don't, some have sex, some don't, some are open, some aren't, but basically it's saying this is my life partner in whatever way we choose, and it's special without being romantic. Uh, could we... , um, could that be...our label?” Virgil's nervousness is at once both endearing and a reminder to treat him carefully. Logan strokes over Virgil's cheekbone. “It sounds perfect. We can choose what we want it to be when we get there.” Virgil smiles tiredly, his expression so much more open than usual. “Lookin' forward to it.”

(Some time later)

“Where's your first aid kit?” “Above the sink in the bathroom, through that door.... Logan, what's this?” “That's your breakfast, is it not obvious?” “Darling, precisely none of these are breakfast foods.” “It should not matter what food you eat at what time so long as it has the right balance of nutrients.” “I'm kind of scared to ask what you had for your breakfast.” “Leftover pasta with kale and I added strawberry yoghurt for dairy.” “Not all at...?” “It doesn't matter how in enters your body, Virgil. It all gets mixed up with hydrochloric acid anyway.” “Eww. No kissing. I've decided, kissing is off the table. I'm not going near a mouth that's had yoghurt and kale in it at the same time.” “Humph. I have found the antiseptic wipes, pass me your arm.” “So, go on, explain my breakfast to me, oh cleverest one.” “Well, you have a yoghurt for dairy and broccoli for vitamins-” “Raw.” “Cooking drains the vitamins, stop squirming.” “It stings.” “You are what I believe Roman would call an 'edge-lord', I'm sure you can handle it. There is a ham and egg sandwich for protein and carbohydrates.” “Ok, but I'm sure the leftover pizza doesn't fit into a well-balanced meal.” “It's your favourite.” “Aw, you risked Patton's wrath to seize the forbidden pizza for me. You do love me.” “Yes, that is an accurate statement.” “Stop it, you'll make me blush and I don't have my foundation on. Wait.... is that.... an entire cucumber?” “Ah, yes, that's your drink.” “....” “I, uh, can't figure out Roman's fancy coffee machine and we've run out of juice.” “Water, Logan, water. Or even tea, I guess.” “I was stressed and I panicked.” “And grabbed a cucumber?” “It's 96% water?” “I thought you were logical!” “I am the literal personification of Logic! However I will admit I am not always entirely rational. Come into the light, I want to do your face next.” “Hang on, I'm thirsty.” Virgil snagged the cucumber with his now clean left arm and wandered after his favourite person, making a show of snapping off the end and gnawing at the flesh.

AN: The fandom: Logan eats books

Me: oh, you haven’t heard?

[jokerepair74-blog]

Links 12/8/18

P-64, the mountain lion known for his successful freeway crossings, found dead after surviving Woolsey fire Los Angeles Times :-(

‘Make better choices’: Endangered Hawaiian monk seals keep getting eels stuck up their noses and scientists want them to stop Washington Post. NT: “A species even stupider than humans.”

Fraser River chinook critical to orcas are in steep decline, new research shows Seattle Times (furzy) :-(

World’s First Insect Vaccine Could Help Bees Fight Off Deadly Disease NPR (David L)

Listen to the soothing sounds of Martian wind collected by NASA’s InSight lander Techcrunch

We Asked 105 Experts What Scares and Inspires Them Most About the Future Motherboard (resilc)

MIT researchers create a robot houseplant that moves on its own engadget (Dawn M)

Should you pass on the meat and reach for the muffins instead? Psychology Today (Guardian “report” and original study). Martha r: “The funniest and clearest debunking of a crap diet study by elite “scientists” that i have yet to see.”

Researchers Decry “Misrepresented” Findings in Fuel Efficiency Rollback Plan Scientific American (Robert M)

Bitcoin falls 10% as bad news descends like ‘cockroaches coming out of a hole’ MarketWatch (EM)

California Gives Final OK To Require Solar Panels On New Houses NPR

UPS Tries Delivery Tricycles As Seattle’s Traffic Doom Looms Wired

Huawei

Canadian Prosecutor Lays Out U.S. Allegations Against Huawei CFO Wall Street Journal. This story isn’t paywalled and has a detailed summary of the bail hearing. The points that struck me:

….the warrant for Ms. Meng’s arrest was issued by a court in New York on Aug. 22 of this year….

Mr. Martin, the attorney representing Ms. Meng, said she isn’t a flight risk, saying that she would never breach a court order.

“You can rely on her personal dignity,” he told the court, adding that she also would not flee because it would “humiliate and embarrass” her father, “who she loves.”

Huawei executive accused of hiding connection to firm violating U.S. sanctions, B.C. court told Globe and Mail (Marshall). Key section:

Final approval to extradite Ms. Meng will be up to Justice Minister Jody Wilson-Raybould if the judge rules in favour of U.S. prosecutors. Ms. Meng, however, could appeal, which could delay a decision for years.

France: Macron scrapping fuel tax is ‘not enough,’ says man who inspired Yellow Vests DW

Brexit

From guurst. Be sure to watch the clip. It has an even more deadly quote:

“I think you would mess it all up for us, the way you have messed it all up for yourselves.”

Heidi Nordby Lunde, president of Norway’s European Movement, is sceptical about calls for the UK to strike a Norway-style deal with the EU. pic.twitter.com/uEpiO3yXPp

— Channel 4 News (@Channel4News) December 7, 2018

Theresa May told to quit by Cabinet ministers if her Brexit deal falls and she fails to get better terms from EU Telegraph

No-deal Brexit: Disruption at Dover ‘could last six months’ BBC. I have trouble understanding why six months. The UK’s customs IT system won’t be ready and there’s no reason to think it will be ready even then. I could see things getting less bad due to adaptations but “less bad” is not normal

The Great Brexit Breakdown Wall Street Journal. Some parts I quibble with, but generally good and includes useful historical detail.

British MP suggests threatening Ireland with food shortages over Brexit, Twitter outrage follows RT (kevin W)

It’s crunch time for Labour. Empty posturing on Brexit will no longer do Guardian. Shreds the Corbyn op-ed we criticized yesterday.

BREAKING: UK exhausted from endless stream of Brexit bollocks so here’s a picture of some puppies. pic.twitter.com/nR9mMVbz5k

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) December 6, 2018

Big Brother is Watching You Watch

Top U.S. general urges Google to work with military Reuters. EM: “Wow, this guy is clueless even by top-brass standards. For example: Google Is Helping the Pentagon Build AI for Drones.” Moi: I assume this is intended for the great unwashed masses, to give them the impression that Google and the surveillance state are not joined at the hip.

‘Conditions met’ for Assange to leave Ecuadorian embassy Agece France-Presse (furzy). If you believe the claims made, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you

Big Brother Australia cracks open encrypted messaging

Dear Tumblr: Banning “Adult Content” Won’t Make Your Site Better But It Will Harm Sex-Positive Communities Electronic Frontier Foundation (Chuck L)

Trump Transition

Mueller says Manafort lied about contacts with Trump officials The Hill

Tucker Carlson: «Trump is not capable» Weltwoche (Anita)

Cohen’s Leniency Bid Fails; U.S. Seeks Significant Jail Time Bloomberg

Dems Who Rejected Corporate PACs Took Money from Corporate-Funded NewDemPAC Sludge. Martha : “Packed with facts. Lists of candidates and donors quite detailed.”.

A Black Perspective on GHW Bush Bruce Dixon, Black Agenda Report (Glenn F)

If @BlackSocialists weren’t championing a message of truth for The People their campaign to raise $$$ would be a dud. But LOOK!! Look at what avg, ordinary ppl hav done for them!! They’ve dug down deep & given of what little they had to help @BlackSocialists make a difference!! https://t.co/6Ga0ZYiRW5

— Kate “For the Love of Humanity VOTE” Martin 🌎🌍🌏 (@K810Mt) December 7, 2018

L.A. County Sheriff’s Department suspends operations by unit that stopped thousands of innocent Latinos on 5 Freeway Los Angeles Times

Jennifer Siebel Newsom could be California’s ‘first partner’ Mercury News. EM:

This perfectly captures the kind of substance-free identity-political virtue signaling today’s corporate Big Dollar Dems specialize in. Note that ‘partner’ even sounds like a corporate term. One wonders whether the Newsoms had the minister who officiated their wedding replace the word ‘union’ with ‘merger’.

Fake News

Former diplomat challenges ‘fake’ Guardian claims about Julian Assange meeting Paul Manafort The Canary (furzy)

Facebook to buy back additional $9 billion of shares Reuters

Millions of Americans Could Face Surprise Emergency Room Bills in January Bloomberg. Gah.

Bitter end to dismal week on Wall Street Financial Times

From Nixon to Trump: Here’s how stocks performed under each U.S. president Yahoo (resilc)

Uber Lays Groundwork for IPO Wall Street Journal

Congress may have accidentally freed nearly all banks from the Volcker Rule Yahoo (furzy)

US Regulators Have Essentially Become Do-Nothing Institutions ProMarket (Asher)

Class Warfare

Send Noncompete Agreements Back To the Middle Ages Bloomberg

Airbnb rentals in London block sparks call for action Financial Times

Welcome to Our Modern Hospital Where If You Want to Know a Price You Can Go Fuck Yourself McSweeney’s (martha r). Not his best writing but OMG the examples..

Dollar Stores Are Targeting Struggling Urban Neighborhoods and Small Towns. One Community Is Showing How to Fight Back. Institute for Local Self-Reliance (martha r)

Antidote du jour (martha r):

Bonus video. Robert H: “Household tips and cats – antidote bonus.” Moi: “What chill cats.”

See yesterday’s Links and Antidote du Jour here.

This entry was posted in Links on December 8, 2018 by Yves Smith.

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Source: https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2018/12/links-12-8-18.html

[lettersforyoulettersforme]

The Voice of Someone who Loves You- Isolation Journals #14

Write a love note to yourself. Write it from someone else’s point of view. It can be a real person or a made-up person. Start with the line: Dear [your name], If you could see what I see, you’d see that you are ______. 

Dear Myers, 

If you could see what I see, you’d see that you are so hard on yourself. That you are doing an incredible job. That your life has gone in a direction that I did not anticipate and I’m so proud of you for being where you are. You’d see that I have so much respect for you and your view of the world. You’d see that your body is beautiful at every stage and that criticizing it does not help, not even a tiny, fucking bit. You’d see that you really like reading, if you can just put down your phone. You’d see that you’re pulling yourself in 100 different directions at all times, that your anxiety is making you feel like you’re a failure, when in fact, you’re succeeding at so much. If you can see yourself from the way I see you, you’d see that you have so much compassion for others. You have this gentle leadership quality about you, you are well liked, you are special, you are a great cook, a sweet and attentive partner, you are an amazing listener: seriously, those skills are unparalleled. You have the ability to be friends with so many different types of people, which is rare. You can stretch outside borders, outside of yourself to see it from other’s perspectives. Which means you take on a lot, arguably too much. You’re an empath, an introvert, someone who doesn’t like a dirty house. You’re going to be a great mother some day. When you’re ready. And I know you’ll be ready because I can see it inside you now, you’re afraid of failure, of not knowing what to do, of society’s expectations, of your relationship taking a bit, of never vacuuming for pleasure again. Vacuuming out of necessity just isn’t quite the same. 

I wish you could see that your fears are so justified, that they make sense given your childhood, your traumas, conversations you had on summer nights you don’t remember, drunken toasts that have informed so much change. It happened slowly and then all at once. 

You hate snow, you love warmth and you like the beach more than the mountains, but you’re willing to try (most anything) once. You will probably never have anal sex. Ha and that’s okay. You could get there with some alcohol... maybe. But probably not. 

If you could see yourself, you’d see that loving reality TV is something you’ve spent enough of your life being ashamed of. You spent years and years and some more years putting other’s needs before your own. And I suspect you’ll do it again, but I know that you know better. That selflessness is not selfishness. 

If you could see yourself through your clients’ eyes, you’d see how patient you are, how curious, how quick you are (at times) to solve problems, to see the silver lining, to tie a bow akin to Christmas morning, all in an attempt to hold their pain. You’ve held so much of your own pain and you’ve had a hard time letting others hold it with you. You don’t want to be a burden. You don’t want anyone else to have a less than ideal day, time, hour, conversation, lunch, dinner, party, drink. 

If you could see yourself through your past lovers (uhh, we hate that word, but if you could see yourself through your past **PEOPLE who you’ve fucked or done something like that with**), you would see that wow, you tried really hard. And we knew you were trying hard. But then some of us didn’t, some of us thought you were this magical, mythical woman who never took a shit. Who fucked us whenever we wanted. Who had the ability to be at the right place at ANY time, even in Brooklyn in the middle of the goddamn night. You would see that we didn’t think you were fat. You would see that we thought you were too good for us the majority of the time. You could see that we saw your flaws and met them with our own flaws and you assumed responsibility for us and we did not know how to help you, so we let you help yourself. 

You would see that we were young and stupid and selfish and have moments at night when we feel terrible, marred with regret, composing an email in our heads, wanting to make amends. And then we don’t apologize because it’s morning and we never really spoke in the morning and if it was, it was always a goodbye. 

If you could see yourself through Stephen’s eyes, wow. It makes you emotion to even think about it. It makes you feel... so seen. Maybe too seen and then you might start to feel unworthy. And realize how low your self esteem really is. But if you could see yourself through Stephen’s eyes, you’d see how much he loves it when you cry, how you taking the blankets at night is really your own little act of rebellion against all harms you’ve faced, that you don’t take out the dog enough, but that he is happy to do it anyway. That you are his soul mate, even though he doesn’t believe in those. That you are hardworking, the most empathetic person he’s ever known. That you are a trooper, that he wants to travel more together in the future, that he loves you the same, even when you’re in a bad mood.

 If you could see yourself through Stephen’s eyes, you might feel invincible, incredible, all of the things that you know you are, but that history and self doubt have a way of making you forget. He thinks you’re perfect, even if you don’t think it yourself. What to you is imperfection is to him looking into the eyes of God. But a God that isn’t tied to any religion, just a metaphor for the overarching, aching sense that we. are. connected. That the world is wide, but we found each other, despite everything. That even with all the shit show, the negative self talk, the boys, the hammocks in back yards, the parks with a springtime picnic, that of all the people, all the grocery stores, all the coffee shops in the entire world, the whole of DC, we found each other. And Stephen would say that you looked beautiful after that yoga class in Whole Foods, that your smile was so easy, that your hair wasn’t greasy, that your cart was wine was an appropriate choice for a snow storm. That the world had rotated us one one millionth of a degree closer and now, our lives are on a parallel course.

If you could see yourself the way I’d do, you’d see how special you are. How you are enough. Plain and simple. 

[mondaymentalhealth]

Abuse (domestic violence)

Today’s topic: ABUSE (physical and emotional/ psychological within a relationship)

ABUSE: “treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.” / “cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.”

PHYSICAL: Physical abuse is any intentional act causing injury or trauma to another person or animal by way of bodily contact.

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL: a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person's self-esteem and undermine their mental health

When I discuss abuse, I’ll be addressing domestic violence (partners, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend)

There is a variety of different types of abuse and you may be experiencing it and not even realize it’s happening. Sometimes we are blinded by our fears and emotions and don’t want to accept the truth. ABUSE IS NOT OKAY do not ever let yourself think that you deserve it. There are tons of resources and information where you can learn about abuse and find help. THERE IS A WAY OUT! I won’t get into too much technical stuff because if you need information it is readily available and if you need help finding it send me a message. Abuse is taken VERY VERY seriously. I have taken domestic violence courses over and over and over throughout my education, they stress it hardcore. I’ll discuss my experience dealing with abuse so that maybe you can realize it’s ok to open up about it and trust that it can and will be okay.

Are you or have you been a victim of abuse? Have you ever told anyone? Did you let it go on for far too long or is it still happening now? Does it still affect you years later? (We will discuss PTSD another time.)

My experience with abuse:

It’s possible I was emotionally abused in relationships and didn’t even realize I was being controlled until after the relationship had ended and I regained my freedom and individuality. There is a particular person that I received severe abuse from and I knew it had to stop. Do I wish it had stopped sooner? Yes! But I’m also proud of myself for getting out before it was too late. The thing about abuse is, it starts out slowly and progresses and escalates. I’m going to be discrete by withholding names and specific details because this situation was handled through the courts. All though, Broward County has public records and you can search anyone and see what they’ve been involved with (which I do to just about everyone for fun, it’s kind of twisted) but it also comes in handy when meeting a new person that may not be completely honest with you. Anyway, so my abusive relationship lasted on and off for about a year. Nothing severe enough to have me hospitalized but definitely emotionally damaging. I remember the first event that should have been a warning that my partner was abusive, but like I said BLIND. You think with all my education about abuse and domestic violence I could have been smarter about it, but nope, I fell right into the trap without even realizing it until the hole was dug so deep that there was no turning back and it was time to cut the rope. The first thing that happened was so small it didn’t even seem like a major issue. My partner and I were in the car, I was driving and he suggested I take a different route because it was faster. I disagreed and tried to rationalize why my way was faster (Oops don’t fight with a man about directions). This enraged him because I wasn’t listening and he responded by saying “Fine bitch, I’ll walk.” WOW, real decent right? These days I would never let someone talk to me like that and choose to be with them. CHOOSE! You got that? A relationship is a choice. You cannot pick your parents, kids, siblings, or other family members, but you do get a say in who you are intimately and romantically involved with. Don’t make excuses… “We have kids together” “I can’t do it on my own.” “We live together.” “I have nowhere to go.” “I’m scared.” “He/She is working on it.” “He/She is getting better.” “He/She promised it will never happen again.” BULLSHIT! That’s malarkey (love that word). So, what did I do? I cried, he apologized, and everything was better. That’s how it starts, then it gets worse. The name-calling increased, degrading and shaming started, then my clothes, jobs, friends, family, and whereabouts became controlled. I was physically withheld from leaving and I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do. I was choked, grabbed, and restrained. My property was damaged and then I started getting stalked. If I didn’t do exactly what my partner wanted there were consequences and threats and the threats were usually carried out. I was scared for my life and I thought I could never escape until one day I decided enough is enough and I ended it. It wasn’t easy and it took a while to completely cut it off. Unfortunately, a lot of people will have to deal with after effects and need protection. It can be very scary I’ve been there, I get it. So, if any of this sounds familiar, reach out to someone who you can trust and find a solution. I know waaaay too many people who have been victims of abuse and some who still are.

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER:

Extreme Jealousy: Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly.

Controlling Behavior: One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

Quick Involvement: The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.

Unrealistic Expectations: Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.

Isolation: The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.

Blames Others: The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).

Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.

“Playful” Use of Force of Sex: The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.

Verbal Abuse: The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde: The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.

Past History of Battering: The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.

Use of Violence and Threats of Violence: Violence can include holding the victim down, restraining them from leaving the room or pushing, shoving or holding them against a wall. Abusers may also throw or break objects as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but throwing or breaking objects mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them. Threats of violence include any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”

Some helpful resources:

https://www.new-hope.org/

24-Hour Hotline at 800-323-HOPE (4673).

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

Text* loveis to 22522 Speak to a peer advocate by calling 1-866-331-9474.

https://www.crisistextline.org/emotional

Text CONNECT to 741741

[gaiatheorist]

Dragon Person.

(I don’t have a cat, imaginary or otherwise, I do have a bearded dragon, not the most interactive of pets, and the ex kept saying he’d take her, but now text-messages me asking if I need him to bring me crickets.)

I eventually read the Cat Person short story that the rest of the internet has had a week to digest and analyse. I’m glad I’m not 20 any more, despite what gravity and two decades have done to my body, and I’m really glad I’m not ‘dating.’ My analysis? Relationships are complicated, and sex isn’t ‘like it is in the movies.’

Am I supposed to put a trigger warning right at the top? I don’t understand the ‘rules’ about such things. I read a tweet-thread earlier this week about ‘expected’ sex, the-point-of-no-return sex, and I saw the point in the story, where ‘Margot’ changes her mind, but stays anyway. It wasn’t rape, as such, she just wasn’t that ‘into it’, but, she’d started so she finished. (Ear-worm of ‘Underwear’ by Pulp, there.) I’ve been ‘there’, I suspect a lot of us have.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had sexual encounters that will probably bring a smile to my face until the day I die, it hasn’t all been “Put my nightie back down when you’re finished, and don’t wipe it on the curtains.” A lot of it was, though, and I allowed that to happen for too many years, until I took to sleeping with my jeans on, and then, when he didn’t take that hint, getting out of bed when he got in. I didn’t want him. I didn’t want him near me, never mind in me. My right hand is permanently deformed because I punched a wall after an ‘argument’ about my indifference to him, I won’t ‘go there’ with the damage to my left hand, but it was the same argument, recycled. 

The teenage-fumbling encounters with people who kissed ‘wrong’, or held too tight, or did things to my body I found unpleasant, there were a fair few of those, that’s the phase where I should have learned what I wanted, and how to achieve it, but I was married by the age of 19. There were a few indiscretions, not many, because I’m very cautious about genuine intimacy, my body is just meat-no-one-eats, it’s exceptionally rare for me to let someone into my mind.  

There was a lot of ‘expected’ sex during the marriage, mainly when he’d been drinking, on the nights his parents babysat, to give us ‘time as a couple.’ Time when our son wasn’t here to hear my hissed ‘No!’, or my dead-eyed “You raped me.”. He liked what he liked, and that was generally forcing me face-down into a succession of horrible living-room rugs, and watching porn on the TV while he tried to thumb his drunk-droop into me. I blame childbirth for the haemorrhoids, but if he hadn’t already spent years loosening those muscles, I might not be permanently disfigured. 18-year-old-me just wanted to please him, that intense-passionate stage didn’t last very long at all, before it became the ‘routine’ of sex when he wanted it, how he wanted it. There was a strange stage, in my late 20s, when I wanted sex, and he didn’t, he was ‘too tired’, and I was ‘being demanding’, that was the final nail in the coffin, I should have left then, but I had nowhere to go. An extended period of being ‘Margot’, not really wanting to continue. For the most part of 20 years.

There was crap sex before, repetitive, same-y sex, where partners had established a ‘routine’ that suited them, or had perhaps pleased a former partner, so they stuck to it. Mostly, I just didn’t go back for a second helping if the first had been unsatisfactory, that’s cruel, in hindsight, because I know I ‘bagged’ a couple of virginities, but they were the ones I stayed with longer, trying to ‘train’ them. I probably ruined them for the next lover.

Communication. ‘Margot’ is able to guide ‘Robert’ away from doing things she doesn’t enjoy, up to a point, and then she just gives up. Not ‘giving herself over to pleasure’, and not giving up and going home, because it’s clearly not working. The ‘guiding’ is a fine line, I have had a truly exceptional lover, who responded to the slightest touch, the gentlest push or pull I can’t think of more than a couple of instances of either of us having said ‘no.’ The memories of that one will bring a fond smile to my face when I’m in a care home somewhere, unable to remember my own name. The best, it’s official. I’m smiling like a sentimental idiot as I type this, he’s the reason I’m not ‘looking’ for another lover, I don’t think anyone will ever come close to that, and now my eyes are leaking a little bit, because, in my strange way, I genuinely hope he can re-kindle that elsewhere.

Back to the point, if there ever was one. The ‘guiding’, some lovers are set in their ways, the ones who might well have had the same sex-guide Richie did in ‘Bottom.’ I had one who poked his fingers into my vagina repeatedly and aggressively, like the rigmarole of re-lighting the old gas-boiler, when I tried to pull back his wrist, to slow him, he said “What?”, and carried on. He was the same one who wouldn’t stop (badly) licking my vagina, despite me pushing him away, again, “What, are you ticklish or something?” (No, I’m just not responsive to you going at my business like you’re trying to lick the pattern off your dinner-plate.)  Crap sex, but I was there, and he was there, and we’d started. “Look, this isn’t working.” didn’t seem to be an option.

The one who should have been a one-off, but I was in one of my ‘needy’ phases, and wanted reassurance that somebody wanted me, not ‘bad’ as such, just same-y. I didn’t bother trying to re-train him, he was a temporary thing, I used him for validation, and then cut him off when it transpired that he was even clingier than me. 

The one who’d phone me at my Mum’s house when his parents were out, and ask if I wanted some no-strings-sex. I’ve later found out that he had he phone numbers for most of the girls in my school year, thank heavens for free condoms from the Youth Clinic, and the fact that, alphabetically, I would have been near the top of the list. Transaction-practice sex. 

What will I take from reading Cat Person? Not much, if I’m honest, ‘the dating game’ is a sphere I don’t revolve in, so I don’t have to deal with the ‘wait’ between text-messages, or the panic that I’ve said something stupid that could be misconstrued. I do still have to knock-back occasional advances on Twitter, a polite ‘No, thank you’ can very swiftly be followed by a bollocking-and-blocking. What I’ll take from Cat Person is a gentle reminder not to get myself into situations that would be difficult to get out of, but I’m already pretty good at that. I’ll remind myself that, as much as the historical self-harm, the tattoos, and the piercings were my attempts to ‘reclaim’ a body that too many people had tried to own, this body is mine, and I will do with it as I please. I’ll acknowledge that I’ve had some thoroughly underwhelming sexual encounters, and that I will never again make the choice to zone-out, or go ragdoll-limp until the other party has finished.

The most important thing I’ll take from it is the memories of the truly fantastic sexual experiences I’ve had, the ones that will light a little fire in my heart (or my pants) for years to come. The ones that left me flushed, and grinning like an idiot, sated, and not caring about anything else in the world but that moment. The ones where the ‘spare’ arm, or the weird noises, or the misjudging where the edge of the bed was didn’t matter. The ones where neither of us knew, or cared, whose sweat, or other fluids we were covered in. That’s the difference between having sex, and making love, I’d always found ‘lovemaking’ a bit of a cringe-inducing term, pivotal experiences made it easy for me to view sex as a transactional thing.

It’s not transactional, there’s no point-of-no-return, and I’d rather have none-at-all than not-enough, maybe I will get a cat after all.