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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Relationships (intimate, partnerships)

Today’s topic: RELATIONSHIPS (Intimate, romantic, dating, partnerships, marriage)

I feel like this topic needs to be addressed because I’m seeing my social media accounts overloaded with more negative complaints about relationships than positive ones. I also have a few people seeking advice on this topic. It’s unfortunate that people tend to complain and dwell on the negatives more than rewarding and appreciating the positives. What do you see and hear more often? “My partner doesn’t treat me right”, “We are thru”, “I’m over it.” “I don’t need a man/woman.” Or “I love my partner, he/she is so good to me.” “I have a healthy relationship.” We don’t commend the good things about our relationship but vent about the downfalls and issues. Obviously, I am not a trained relationship counselor, so everything I write will be personal views and experiences that I hope you can relate to.

My personal relationship:

If I wasn’t in the place I am now with my relationship I would not be writing this. I have been in toxic, controlling, miserable, and just the wrong relationships. My partner now is strong, honest, trustworthy, intelligent, funny, reliable, motivated, hardworking, inspiring, uplifting, committed, and many other things. He is who I choose to be with. He saw something in me I couldn’t see in myself and he has faith in me. Is he perfect? No. Am I perfect? No. So how can I expect him to be good and right all the time? I can’t, that’s impossible, we have to deal with the hard times that will come just as they do within friendships and relationships with family members. I would like to give credit to my partner for giving me the ability to write this because a lot of my inspiration, if not all of it, comes from him. He is my biggest fan and biggest supporter, he wants me to do well, be better, be the best version of myself, live up to my expectations, and guess what, I want the same for him. It was my partner who suggested I start a support group of some sort to help me with my issues and in turn help others. I could not have done this without him. My partner and I have been thru hell and back, but we are always side by side. SIDE BY SIDE! He is not above or below me and I am not above or below him. We are equal parts in our relationship. When I am weak he is strong for me and vise Versa. Our relationship has lasted over a year and it is long distance. People who don’t know us think we are absolutely bonkers until they see us together and it is clear we are meant to be. It took a lot of bumps in the road to get to where we are now but no matter what, we were always there. Have I questioned it? Of course. Has he questioned it? I’m sure. We are at a place now where there is no question about it. My partner is very strong into individuality within a relationship which I also think is very important. We are together because we choose to be together and we are still who we are whether or not we are in the relationship. I’ve heard this time and time again from him but NOW I finally get it. At first, I thought he was being cruel saying he didn’t need me and he’d be fine without me. That wasn’t the case. I finally understand that he means we need to be who we are, not a different version of ourselves to conform to the other persons liking. I have my faults and he has his and we can decide if the person is more than their faults and if we can accept those things.

Yay! The fun part. I get to tell you what to do. Here’s my advice take it or leave it.

Dating: Before I get into already formed relationships I want to discuss starting a new one and selecting a partner. If from the very beginning there are already developing issues, red flags, warning signs, things that you don’t particularly like but since it’s new you tend to disregard them but it becomes an issue later, or anything that has you questioning the relationship, then take a step back, evaluate it, and decide if this is actually something you want. I see a lot of people get very quickly emotionally involved and very serious way too early into a relationship and end up being very hurt and disappointed. If you are interested in someone but they are not showing the same attention, effort, or affection, it’s likely they don’t feel the same way. I realize this is difficult for people to accept and we tend to question why, but honestly who cares if someone is ignoring you, who cares if someone is avoiding you, who cares if someone isn’t paying attention to you. You have YOU and if they don’t see what you see why put in the effort to force them to see it. If you love YOU then you won’t worry about anyone else who doesn’t love you back. So, don’t be so quick to get upset about a failed attempt at a relationship or about someone feeling differently. Try spending some time with this person, talking to them, getting to know them, and enjoy it. All we have is time, so take it. I don’t believe there is any reason to jump into a relationship with someone you’ve just met, don’t know, or decide you should be in a relationship JUST BECAUSE you’ve been going out on dates a lot, spending a lot of time together, or it just feels like you should take the next step. Take time to develop something. My partner and I talked for about four months before we even met and then waited another month to two months to finally begin our relationship.

Relationships in general:

Pick your battles: I know you’ve heard this one, it is so true. I swear I fight with this man over the dumbest shit that doesn’t even matter and I’m arguing to the point that I don’t even remember why I got upset to begin with. When it comes to things that make you upset about your partner try to remember that they’re going to do what they want because ultimately the choice is theirs. Why be upset and get yourself worked up about something someone else has done, especially with repetitive behavior. Continuously fighting about something that happened in the past is absurd. It’s either you get over it or you don’t and if it’s that bad that you cannot get over it, then leave. I read a book that talks about “predictable behavior” and wow did that change my perspective. For example, if your partner is constantly late, constantly drinking, constantly lying, or whatever behavior they are doing that’s upsetting to you and you have to repeatedly ask them to change it, it’s clear there’s a pattern. So, if you can predict the behavior before it happens you can set yourself up to not be disappointed when it occurs because you already knew it was coming. If you already know what’s going to happen and you don’t want to put up with it anymore, then leave. You cannot expect change from anyone, that’s not your place to decide how someone should behave, just like no one can control your actions, nor would you want them to. Unless, of course, you are codependent which is something entirely different. If you change unwillingly just to satisfy the other person, who does that negatively affect? Well, both of you. You are giving the person you are with a false perception of you and you are lying to yourself.

Want what’s best for each other: If you’re with someone it’s because you love and care about them, right? Don’t you want them to be their best self, don’t you want them to be happy, don’t you want them to succeed? The same goes for you, they should want those things for you. Don’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about your success, who doesn’t bring you up and uplift you, who doesn’t want you to be better, or someone who wants to belittle you or make you feel unworthy or helpless or lowers your self-esteem. I am so incredibly regretful and sorry to my partner for EVER saying or doing anything to him to make him feel unloved, unwanted, or unappreciated. I love him and he should know that. I should show him that. If you don’t want to show the person you’re with that they mean something to you and that you care about them and want to see them succeed, then they may not be right for you, or maybe you’re selfish and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone but yourself.

Be individuals: BIG IMPORTANT FUCKING POINT! Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean all of the sudden your brains and bodies are fused together. I was talking to a friend about this and he put it like this “We tend to lose our sense of self when we are involved in a relationship.” Yes! I see it all the time, people get into a relationship and what happens? You stop talking to and hanging out with your friends, you start spending more money, you become isolated, you become clingy and attached. Why? Why is it now that you’re with someone you have to change everything else you were doing before? I guess because we get caught up and consumed in our relationship and that becomes the priority. It becomes a chore and a task to make time for each other or you feel obligated to spend time together, like ALL of your time. It is okay to not be together 24/7. I know this because I live 200+ miles away from my partner and we enjoy being away from each other because the time spent together is so much more appreciated and meaningful. It doesn’t feel like we HAVE to be together, we GET to be together and we are lucky for that. We live separate lives. He works full time, he has his friends, he has hobbies, and I have school, work, my daughter, and all kinds of shit to do. When we GET to have time together it’s dedicated to enjoying each other, not a forced effort to make time just because we feel like we SHOULD hang out. Even when we are together we are not suffocating each other. We go out to events with people and you won’t see us clinging to each other trying to cram as much time together as we can. We can separate and talk with other people and then go back to check up on each other later. Remember who you were, who you are, and who want to be. Like I mentioned before, don’t conform to a false identity just to make someone else happy. Enjoy YOUR life. It’s okay to just stay home and have some alone time, it’s okay to hang out with your friends, it’s all okay and the moment it’s not okay, you need to evaluate your relationship and ask yourself if this person is restricting you from doing the things you want to do.

Trust: Here we go. I have never trusted someone the way I trust my boyfriend with my heart and brain. Do you know the amount of trust it takes to be in a successful long-distance relationship? A lot, everything you have. My partner always says “Trust them until they give you a reason not to.” If we did not trust each other entirely we could never make this work. We could be lying and doing anything and everything behind each other’s back and never even know. Do I question this? Absolutely not. If I did or he did, we would not be together. Of course, everyone always asks me “Aren’t you worried about him cheating on you?” Here’s my final answer: NO! Why would I sit around and worry about that and make myself crazy? Or “How do you know he’s being honest?” Well, because, I TRUST THAT MOTHERFUCKER. Guess what. If something does happen then we deal with it, but like he always tells me “You’re worrying about shit that hasn’t even happened.” So, if your partner gives you a reason not to trust them or your concerned about their loyalty and honesty you’re either incorrect and struggling with your own insecurities and you’re going to push them away or you should not be with them.

Space: My least favorite statement. “I need some space.” This can be a very difficult thing to do, give someone their space. We tend to question why they need space or need a break away from us, is there something wrong, you don’t want to talk to me, or you don’t love me anymore. NOT TRUE! I have come to the realization that space can be helpful and positive, unless there, in fact, is an underlying reason that your partner wants to create distance. Space and distancing yourself are two different things. When someone needs space and you begin to push them and question them more you’re most like going to push them further away. It happens, we need time to ourselves and time to think. My partner and I have come to the agreement that if we feel like we need a little break from talking or some space, or if we are irritated with each other and don’t feel like discussing it at the moment, that we will let the other know and we will respect that. When you’re in the midst of an argument or momentarily enraged, you can’t think clearly. I used to get really upset when my partner wanted to get away from me at those moments because I wanted to solve it right then and there. I’ve realized that getting away from each other and taking some time to view the situation, calm down, think rationally, and then approach it again, is much more effective.

Love yourself: I’ve already discussed self-love in a previous topic so all I’m going to say is you have to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself before you can truly love someone else and let them love you.

Communication: A woman’s favorite thing to complain about and a man’s least favorite thing to do. Sorry to be stereotypical about this, but I know this thru experience. I don’t want to be sexist or gender-biased, so I acknowledge that this can go both ways but since I am a woman in a relationship with a man I will speak from my point of view. My partner is better at socializing and communicating face-to-face but guess what, with a long-distance relationship we can’t do that so freely as people that live close in proximity. Communication is all we have to work with and because of that, we get to know each other more. Look, if you’re with someone because you love them, then you should be able to talk to each other about everything because that’s the person you can share everything with. My partner is my best friend, we tell each other everything, things that other people would find disturbingly sick and twisted, but that’s just us. Have I wished that he opened up to me more about his FEELINGS? (uh oh, they hate that word, “great she wants to talk about feelings again”) Yes! I love reassurance once in a while. The way I see it is, if someone wants to tell you something, they will, don’t force people to open up to you or tell you what you want to hear because then it won’t be sincere. Talk to each other. If you can’t talk to each other or you find it difficult then what do I say? Leave.

Sorry to be so harsh, but the truth hurts. If it’s not right for you to be in it, then end it. A lot of people stay with someone and sacrifice their own happiness because they fear hurting the other person. Pretending or faking happiness for someone will hurt them even more in the long run than being honest about your feelings upfront. If you are unhappy, miserable, and suffering, how is that fair to you? You come first. I know it may not be easy regardless if you’ve been together 1 year or 20 years and invested a lot into the relationship if you’re just not happy anymore it’s no one’s fault, just decide what’s best for you.

P.S I am now a supporter of long-distance relationships and online dating because it worked for me, but prior to this I would have also thought I was crazy.

Here’s to happy and healthy relationships. Good luck!

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Abuse (domestic violence)

Today’s topic: ABUSE (physical and emotional/ psychological within a relationship)

ABUSE: “treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.” / “cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.”

PHYSICAL: Physical abuse is any intentional act causing injury or trauma to another person or animal by way of bodily contact.

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL: a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person's self-esteem and undermine their mental health

When I discuss abuse, I’ll be addressing domestic violence (partners, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend)

There is a variety of different types of abuse and you may be experiencing it and not even realize it’s happening. Sometimes we are blinded by our fears and emotions and don’t want to accept the truth. ABUSE IS NOT OKAY do not ever let yourself think that you deserve it. There are tons of resources and information where you can learn about abuse and find help. THERE IS A WAY OUT! I won’t get into too much technical stuff because if you need information it is readily available and if you need help finding it send me a message. Abuse is taken VERY VERY seriously. I have taken domestic violence courses over and over and over throughout my education, they stress it hardcore. I’ll discuss my experience dealing with abuse so that maybe you can realize it’s ok to open up about it and trust that it can and will be okay.

Are you or have you been a victim of abuse? Have you ever told anyone? Did you let it go on for far too long or is it still happening now? Does it still affect you years later? (We will discuss PTSD another time.)

My experience with abuse:

It’s possible I was emotionally abused in relationships and didn’t even realize I was being controlled until after the relationship had ended and I regained my freedom and individuality. There is a particular person that I received severe abuse from and I knew it had to stop. Do I wish it had stopped sooner? Yes! But I’m also proud of myself for getting out before it was too late. The thing about abuse is, it starts out slowly and progresses and escalates. I’m going to be discrete by withholding names and specific details because this situation was handled through the courts. All though, Broward County has public records and you can search anyone and see what they’ve been involved with (which I do to just about everyone for fun, it’s kind of twisted) but it also comes in handy when meeting a new person that may not be completely honest with you. Anyway, so my abusive relationship lasted on and off for about a year. Nothing severe enough to have me hospitalized but definitely emotionally damaging. I remember the first event that should have been a warning that my partner was abusive, but like I said BLIND. You think with all my education about abuse and domestic violence I could have been smarter about it, but nope, I fell right into the trap without even realizing it until the hole was dug so deep that there was no turning back and it was time to cut the rope. The first thing that happened was so small it didn’t even seem like a major issue. My partner and I were in the car, I was driving and he suggested I take a different route because it was faster. I disagreed and tried to rationalize why my way was faster (Oops don’t fight with a man about directions). This enraged him because I wasn’t listening and he responded by saying “Fine bitch, I’ll walk.” WOW, real decent right? These days I would never let someone talk to me like that and choose to be with them. CHOOSE! You got that? A relationship is a choice. You cannot pick your parents, kids, siblings, or other family members, but you do get a say in who you are intimately and romantically involved with. Don’t make excuses… “We have kids together” “I can’t do it on my own.” “We live together.” “I have nowhere to go.” “I’m scared.” “He/She is working on it.” “He/She is getting better.” “He/She promised it will never happen again.” BULLSHIT! That’s malarkey (love that word). So, what did I do? I cried, he apologized, and everything was better. That’s how it starts, then it gets worse. The name-calling increased, degrading and shaming started, then my clothes, jobs, friends, family, and whereabouts became controlled. I was physically withheld from leaving and I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do. I was choked, grabbed, and restrained. My property was damaged and then I started getting stalked. If I didn’t do exactly what my partner wanted there were consequences and threats and the threats were usually carried out. I was scared for my life and I thought I could never escape until one day I decided enough is enough and I ended it. It wasn’t easy and it took a while to completely cut it off. Unfortunately, a lot of people will have to deal with after effects and need protection. It can be very scary I’ve been there, I get it. So, if any of this sounds familiar, reach out to someone who you can trust and find a solution. I know waaaay too many people who have been victims of abuse and some who still are.

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER:

Extreme Jealousy: Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly.

Controlling Behavior: One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

Quick Involvement: The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.

Unrealistic Expectations: Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.

Isolation: The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.

Blames Others: The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).

Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.

“Playful” Use of Force of Sex: The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.

Verbal Abuse: The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde: The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.

Past History of Battering: The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.

Use of Violence and Threats of Violence: Violence can include holding the victim down, restraining them from leaving the room or pushing, shoving or holding them against a wall. Abusers may also throw or break objects as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but throwing or breaking objects mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them. Threats of violence include any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”

Some helpful resources:

https://www.new-hope.org/

24-Hour Hotline at 800-323-HOPE (4673).

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

Text* loveis to 22522 Speak to a peer advocate by calling 1-866-331-9474.

https://www.crisistextline.org/emotional

Text CONNECT to 741741

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Self-esteem (Self-love and self-respect)

Today’s topic: SELF-ESTEEM (Self-love, self-respect and POSITIVE self-talk)

Self-esteem: “confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.”

Self-respect: “pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity.”

Self-love: “Self-love defined as "love of self" or "regard for one's own happiness or advantage" have both been conceptualized as a basic human necessity and as a moral flaw”

POSITIVE Self-talk: “When negative events or mistakes happen, positive self-talk seeks to bring the positive out of the negative to help you do better, go further, or just keep moving forward. The practice of positive self-talk is often the process that allows you to discover the obscured optimism, hope, and joy in any given situation.”

Why is it so hard to love ourselves the way we are? Why do we try to conform to other people’s expectations of us? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why don’t we put as much care, thought, and effort into loving ourselves as we do for other people?

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! If you’re like me, you beat yourself up over something so small as being too lazy to fold a load of laundry, so now you’re a loser with no motivation, or something as big as thinking you’re a complete and utter failure and a waste to all of mankind and they would be better off without you. I tell myself all kinds of horrible and negative things, for example, I’m a failure, a loser, lazy, unmotivated, a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad kid, a bad parent, or whatever else fits the situation at the time. I beat myself up for drinking alcohol, eating unhealthy foods, not exercising, not cleaning, procrastinating, and not having goals met. I tell myself I’m a piece of shit when in reality I’m really not. Everyone is always telling me how strong I am, that they’re proud of me, I’m doing a great job, I’m a great mother, and they care about me, and I’ll I can think is, “Man, I must have them fooled because I don’t see it.” I’m working on, but it’s hard. Some days you feel worthless and like no one cares about you or they don’t need you, but that’s not true.

In the future, I will discuss how we let other people affect and control us, but right now let’s focus on YOU! “IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH!”

Is this as difficult a task for you as it is for me?

How do we fix this? How do we build self-esteem? Well, we need to increase the positivity in our lives. Doing things that make you feel good, feel proud, and feel accomplished will, in turn, help you feel better about yourself. If you’re drinking and drugging, being lazy and unmotivated, slacking off, and being a dick to people then you’re just hurting yourself (and other people that you directly affect). That’s not going to make you feel good about yourself, so start by making those good choices. Regardless of what other people think get up, shower, get dressed, and do something. Use POSITIVE self-talk, tell yourself I can do this, I’m going to do this, no excuses, I feel good I did this, I’m awesome, I’m fucking amazing, I’m smart, I’m beautiful, I’m funny, I’m kind, I’m hardworking, I’m motivated, I’m productive, because YOU ARE WORTHWHILE AND YOU MATTER, ALL LIVES MATTER! Especially yours! There’s only one you, so rock this life! Pump yourself up scream it to the sky “I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF!” (people will think you’re nuts but they’re going to say “Damn, that guys really happy about something.” You’re happy about being YOU!), jog in place like you’re about to win the fucking marathon of life. Have some fucking self-respect! If you saw someone behaving the way you do would you judge and question it? Or would you say damn they’re really doing good for themselves I wish I was in their shoes? BE THAT PERSON! Be that person you want to be, not the one sitting in the dark wishing for a different life. Don’t worry about the obstacles along the way, everything will fall into place, because when you reach the finish line whoever and whatever is meant to be there waiting for you, will be there. Respect yourself, respect your body, treat it right, don’t let ANYONE use it, it is yours to control but I will get into that more later. LOVE YOURSELF because no one can love you the way you can, you’re always with you, and you can’t accept appropriate love from someone else until you realize there is a reason to be loved and you know what it is.

Some more POSITIVE self-talk:

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” – Buddha

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” – Mark Twain

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.” – Robert Morley

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Alcoholism

Today’s topic: ALCOHOLISM Alcoholism: “A chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled drinking and preoccupation with alcohol.” Symptoms:

Symptoms include repeated alcohol consumption despite related legal and health issues. Those with alcoholism may begin each day with a drink, feel guilty about their drinking, and HAVE THE DESIRE TO CUT DOWN ON THE AMOUNT OF DRINKING.

People may experience:

Whole body: blackout, dizziness, shakiness, craving, or sweatingBehavioral: aggression, agitation, compulsive behavior, self-destructive behavior, or lack of restraint

Mood: anxiety, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, or lonelinessGastrointestinal: nausea or vomiting

Psychological: delirium or fear

Also common: physical substance dependence, problems with coordination, slurred speech, or tremor

Well, this is a major MAJOR topic that I need to discuss and I feel like it’s time to scratch the surface. I will visit this topic and revisit this topic, and visit it again when I need to. Right now I feel like discussing it a bit because I’m struggling with it, I have friends struggling with it, and I have family members struggling with it.

THIS SHIT AIN’T EASY! It’s not a joke. I recall times my friends and family members made jokes, remarks, or comments about my drinking saying “You’re such an alcoholic” I’m sure you’ve heard it because everyone makes that comment. Of course, you respond with “Oh, fuck you!” or “Shut up and get me a drink.” I take responsible vendors for work to legally be allowed to serve alcohol to customers and they would always say if someone says they’re an alcoholic DO NOT SERVE THEM! Even if they laugh about it and say it was joke.. too late you already said it, by law I cannot serve you. Then, of course I would think “Pussy” until one day I looked in the mirror and realized… oh, shit… that’s me. I’m the alcoholic. Those comments went from jokes to a truth that I didn’t want to accept. I can share on this topic forever. So, I’ll just discuss bits and pieces here and there and you can join me in sobriety, be by my side, and follow me through it. Reach out if you need help. I attend AA meetings frequently (not daily) and they always say “One alcoholic trying to help another.” So, I’m here. I’m 42 days sober… like holy shit that doesn’t sound like a lot but it is when you’re struggling. I was like amazed when I got to 6 days and it’s only getting better. Getting sober sucks but being sober is like nothing you’ve ever imagined. If you have underlying mental health issues and then you add alcohol it’s like holy fuck why would we do that to ourselves? ALCOHOL + DEPRESSION + ANXIETY = COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS!

Last note: Now that I’m sober drunk people are ANNOYING AS FUCK!

STAY SOBER !

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Support System

Today's topic: Support system

Support system: " a network of people who provide an individual with practical or emotional support."

When I talk about your support system I'm referring to the people who you can reach out to when you need emotional support, someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to bring you up when you're down, make you laugh, someone who can listen, keep you company, someone you can open up to and be honest with that won't judge you, and someone you can rely on in a time of need.

Your support system can include your friends, family (parents, siblings, children), partner or spouse, therapist, people from your support group, coworkers, pet, or anyone or anything positive that can help you.

I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: The world is a cruel place and people aren't always who they say they are. Before you put your trust or faith into anyone, especially with your personal issues and private information, make sure this person is trustworthy and a positive influence on you. Many times I have divulged information to someone who used it to take advantage of me, judge me, or criticize me.

Who can you go to? Who can you trust? Who are the people in your life closest to you?

When it comes to discussing your emotional struggles it can be hard to find the right person. If you feel like you are going through it alone YOU'RE NOT but if you don't tell anyone you are, they might not know they need to ask or reach out. If your behavior changes and you start acting distant, depressed angry, or increasing reckless behavior, they may realize something needs to be addressed but they don't know how to approach it. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU! If you don't think there is then call me!

My personal support system: Well let's see.. I do have people that care about me but they didn't know how hard I was struggling or didn't take me seriously when I asked for help! THAT'S A BIG ONE asking for help is so hard to do and then to get turned away, told it's all in your head, to get over it, it's not that bad, it could be worse, or any of those stupid cliche catchphrases NORMAL people tend to overuse, makes it even harder on us. Whether you're the one struggling or you know someone who is don't take it lightly. So many times people commit suicide and then what do you hear? "She/He was so happy." "She/He should have come to me." "Why didn't She/He ask for help?" "Why didn't I see the signs?" Well maybe they did reach out to you and you ignored it or didn't think it was that serious or maybe they were too scared. This happened to me over and over and over until I got to the point where shit hit the fan and now they take me seriously when I say I'm not right and I'm struggling. Things shouldn't have to get that bad, we should be able to reach out and get help before it's too late. For me, I have my mother, she's always there for me for whatever I need, my father struggles with his own issues and didn't understand mine and a lot of the time his reactions came from anger, but now I can open to him when I'm in a crisis and he is always there, my friends and other family members that know what I've been through are in contact with more, some aren't and that's ok, DO NOT be disappointed about people who you thought you could rely on because they could be struggling as well and you can't always make it about yourself. If you are too weak to give emotional support, then don't, because you'll come from the wrong place. My partner is the person I am completely honest with about everything, I CHOOSE to be with him because he lifts me up and he's by my side when I'm feeling down. If you cannot trust the person you are with to be there for you and vice versa then CHOOSE to be without. I also have friends that I can talk to who can come over sit and drink coffee with me and we can laugh or cry or whatever. FIND SOMEONE! I have an endless list of phone numbers I can call when I'm having a crisis.

EXAMPLE: Yesterday evening I was feeling down and overwhelmed and an episode came on. I was crying uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. I started to panic because I haven't felt that way in a while. I was scared so I told my boyfriend, he called me immediately but he didn't feel like the right person to talk to at the time, so I called my father and my sister and no answer. I could have continued to call other people looking for someone to calm me down but I decided my boyfriend was there for me why shut him out? So I called him back and we talked, he changed the subject, helped me, and stayed on the phone until I was ready to hang up. Luckily, I calmed down, went to sleep, and woke up this morning feeling much better.

If you feel like you have no one else I'm here, but don't be afraid to talk about what you're going through or you'll never get through it.

Crisis TEXT line: Get free help now: Text CONNECT to 741741

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (I know you know the song memorize that shit)

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Regret (Living in the past)

Today’s topic: REGRET (Living in the past)

REGRET: a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

Wait… let’s see that again.

“SOMETHING THAT HAS HAPPENED OR BEEN DONE.”

If it has happened or hasn’t happened because the opportunity has been missed and the time has passed, then, let it be.

Regret is a toxic emotion that we dwell on. Prior to my new perspective and new-found sobriety, I would harp on my regrets constantly. I would regret almost everything. I regret not starting school at a younger age or not putting in the effort for my education, I regret the relationships I was involved in, I regret the choices and mistakes I’ve made, I regret not saving money, I regret things I’ve said, I regret doing things for people that never really cared about me, and I regret not treating myself better.

Now when I think about past experiences and failures, I realize that those events have already happened and there is nothing I can do to go back in time and change what has already passed. So, what do I do when these past memories invade my brain? I change my behavior and way of viewing it. I ask myself “Is there a way to fix or improve this thing that has happened and is there a way to prevent it from happening in the future?” YES! If I do not like what I have done or said before then I have to approach it in a different way “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” For example, if I regret all the nights I stayed up late drinking I cannot go back and get those nights back, but I can choose not to continue staying up late and I can choose to stay sober. If I regret spending money on unnecessary shit or not saving money then I can choose to buy the necessities and budget myself. If I regret not working hard enough in school then I can work harder, and so on. The point is, there is no reason to beat yourself up over shit you cannot change and cannot control. Make a rational choice, THINK then REACT. Tell yourself “I WANT IT”. The choice is yours. Regret is an individual’s negative memory. MEMORY! It’s in your head! So, stop thinking about it and MOVE THE FUCK ON!

If you have to tell yourself “I’m going to regret this later” then it’s probably not your best option. Do you want to be laying on your death bed dwelling on all the shit you did and didn’t do? Because at the point you’re too late and that shit doesn’t matter. So, get up, let it go, forgive and forget, and then you can tell yourself “Hell yeah I did this shit”. Not everything always goes our way but learn to accept what is and be done with it. You will save yourself a lot of headaches.

A few quotes on regret for you:

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.”

“Life is too short, time is too precious, and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been.”

“One doesn't recognize the really important moments in one's life until it's too late.”

“Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.“

“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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STRESS (Coping)

Todays Topic: STRESS (management, healthy and unhealthy coping, and therapeutic remedies)

All right, time to discover how the hell we overcome this shit and begin enjoying life more. Stress is inevitable but to pursue a happy life we have to know how to react in a stressful situation.

First, let's talk about the unhealthy emotionally and physically damaging coping we tend to turn to.

Unhealthy coping can come in many forms so small that you don't even realize it as an issue. Do you get stressed out and overeat or under eat? This is a common one that I personally experience. I usually lose my appetite and in turn start losing weight and many people tend to eat their emotions which increases their weight. So now you're stressed out and fat! Then you have another reason to be stressed because of your new unwanted weight gain or loss. What about your sleep schedule, do you sleep more or less? I usually suffer from insomnia because of nagging racing thoughts swirling around in my head that keep me tossing and turning all night and now I'm stressed and tired which causes me to be irritated and agitated. On the opposite side of the spectrum sometimes the stress depresses us so much we sleep all day and then neglect the things we need to do. Then there is avoidance and isolation. Do you avoid the stressor all together instead of attempting to conquer it? Ignoring the problem doesn't get rid of it. Now it's just tucked away to be dealt with later. Do you isolate yourself from friends and family because you don't want to deal with all that crap you get from them about your behavior? It seems like a good idea because who needs that kind of negativity? I saved the best and worst for last: increased drug and alcohol use. A typical GO TO for people dealing with stress is to resort to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, forget the pain, or drink and drug the pain away. Does this actually work? I'll tell you for me it doesn't because I've tested this theory more times than I can count. At the moment it seems like a good idea. A nice pitcher of beer, a bottle of wine, a fat joint, or whatever your poison may be, at the end of a stressful day is a common relaxation technique. I know from experience drinking and numbing does not solve my problems because now I'm either drunk and emotional or I wake up hungover feeling like shit and still affected by the problem I originally had.

Did you nod your head in agreement with any of this?

Now that we have laid out the unhealthy aspects of dealing with stress let's get to how to effectively manage it. One helpful and a widely used tool is to seek outside help, whether it be through therapy or support groups, venting to family and friends, or journaling. What a load of crap!! I can say this as a person who seeks therapy, Who has the time and money for that?! Luckily, I receive free therapy sessions through my college so I attend, in hopes that I'll get something out of it. Most people aren't so fortunate and have to pay out of pocket which creates another stressor. How am I going to afford this? Why would I want to pay someone to confirm that I'm crazy when I already know it or try to convince me that I'm not. Even if you have insurance they usually don't cover mental health counseling. That's fucked up, right? After all, it is called mental HEALTH. I honestly think therapy is a load of crap, it doesn't really do anything for me, my therapists' bright ideas were to meditate twice a day and write down my feelings in a journal. This might work for you so don't knock it until you try it if you have the opportunity. When it comes to appetite changes try choosing foods that won't have negative effects on your weight because eating healthy makes you feel better overall and gives you more energy. I know it's hard because we want cake and ice cream and chips but you can do it. Sleep is so important and who doesn't love sleep? When you lay down at night and the thoughts start appearing, do something to distract yourself. Read a book, watch a movie, listen to music, write down anything you want to, write a boring-ass story about absolutely nothing that will just help clear your mind, do whatever takes, push the thoughts out, tell yourself FUCK YOU BRAIN I'M GETTING SLEEP TONIGHT I'LL DEAL WITH YOU TOMORROW. Avoiding the problem at bedtime is acceptable because there is no dealing with it at the time that is meant for sleep. STOP distancing yourself from the people who care about you. In reality, if you were to surround yourself with the proper company that has a positive outlook it will improve your mood. Tell your friends and family you're stressed out and why, be honest. I know I never wanted advice from anyone because I am STUBBORN and I think I know it all but I know nothing. Everyone has different perceptions, experiences, ideas, and advice and they might just have an idea that you never even thought of to help sort out your problem. Alcohol and drugs ... don't do it! If you don't have an addiction problem and these things don't consume you or affect you negatively and you're RESPONSIBLE, then, by all means, use it in moderation, don't beat yourself up and take time to enjoy yourself. On the other hand, if you're like me, you cannot do it all. Find some other outlet. I play games on my phone or do yard work or read or whatever. Now that I am sober I have discovered tons of things I enjoy doing that before I would never have seen myself performing. All right that's enough for today, I can discuss with you tons of activities, exercises, routines, diet, sleep habits, remedies, and more but that will come with time. I'll get more into alcoholism, drug addiction, and go more in-depth with distraction techniques and such. NEVER hesitate to contact me if you need to talk I AM HERE FOR YOU!

Remember: EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT so you have to find what personally works for you.

LAW OF ATTRACTION: In the New Thought philosophy, the Law of Attraction is the belief that positive or negative thoughts bring positive or negative experiences into a person's life.

So think positive!

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Stress (Reactions)

Late post today due to circumstances I’ll get to later on.

Today’s topic: STRESS (reactions and effects)

Now that we have identified the stress triggers that affect us (work, school, family, friends, finances, education, health) and WHAT causes us stress, we can move on to HOW it affects us and how we react to it.

Stress can be positive in moderation, it motivates us to be productive and get things accomplished but too much stress and unhealthy coping can cause severe physical and emotional damage. If we were carefree about everything and nothing bothered us, it’s likely we wouldn’t be determined to do anything or make good choices, due to no fear of consequences. The TRUTH is LIFE IS STRESSFUL! ... as fuck

What happens to us in a stressful situation?

Symptoms caused by stress: Emotional - anger, frustration, avoidance, isolation, depression, mood swings, low self-esteem

Physical - headaches, frequent illnesses, upset stomach, insomnia, increased blood pressure, increased heart rate

Cognitive - poor judgment, inability to focus, worrying, racing thoughts, forgetfulness

Behavioral - shaking, change in appetite, avoiding responsibilities, increased drug and alcohol use

Do you suffer from or can you relate to any of these symptoms or are there more I haven’t mentioned that you may experience?

When I get too stressed and overwhelmed I tend to shut down and just get “a case of the fuck its”. I don’t want to be bothered with anything, I neglect my responsibilities, and I avoid people. When I’m initially faced with an overly stressful situation I get angry and upset, I start sweating and panicking and acting frantic and then the depression usually sets in. Who does this behavior affect? Well, it affects ME the most and then it can continue to affect all aspects of my life. The things I was stressed about to begin with become much, much worse because now I’m sitting around dwelling on it and not doing something to improve it. Which is stupid as hell because I could do something about it and in turn make it go away. My advice is this (for myself and to you): Ask yourself “Is this thing that’s stressing me out really something worth being stressed over or can I face it, deal with it, get over it, and move on?” I don’t want to get too much into the coping mechanisms because that’s not what this topic is about.

I’ll provide for you an example of my stressful situation and how I handled it that happened TODAY.

Last night my plans didn’t go as planned. I made a goal for myself to attend an 8:30 AA meeting which I couldn’t make due to my shopping escapade being prolonged. I told myself I’ll go to the 10:30 meeting anyway knowing that I had to be up early to pick up my daughter before I had to work at 11. So this morning I’m exhausted and constantly hitting the snooze button to the point where now I’m running late. The domino effect occurred. I ended up picking up my daughter late, dropping her off late, and getting to work late. I was dreading calling my job to tell them I was running late and it was really stressing me out. It was my own fault I was running behind and it could have been prevented, so I decided to just call and it turned out it was no big deal and I was only 2 minutes late. So I stressed over NOTHING! I just caused myself unnecessary anxiety and panic. So anyway I went through the day it was steady and finally, it’s time to punch the old-time card. I walked out and thought FREEDOM, but to my surprise, I was not free just yet. So I’m walking through the parking lot talking to my honey about our days and I look over at my car to see a flat tire. Normally I would have cried and been scared and panicked and just plain PISSED OFF because I had a long day already that was about to get longer. I decided I’m not going to sit here and cry about it I’m going to do something to get it fixed and move on. So I called some family members who live nearby who were able to come out and help me buuuuut it wasn’t that easy. I get a call back saying that their vehicle ALSO had a bolt stuck in the tire and needed a plug. What kind of fucked-up coincidence is that? So I was sitting there waiting and fortunately a coworker of mine was walking by who offered to help. It took some elbow grease and determination but he was successful at putting on the spare. Afterwards, my cousins finally showed up and we were able to repair the tire, I drove away and went on with my day, hopefully, tomorrow it will be still standing. The point of this example is that instead of sitting around pissed off for an hour crying, asking myself why me, what am I going to do, and how am I going to afford to fix this I took some initiative and sought help from others who were there for me. All though the situation was a bit annoying at the time, now it is solved and I had no reason to get upset.

So think about how you react to situations that cause stress and decide if all those negative emotions are actually worth it.

#mental disorder #mental heath support #mental ill health #mental health

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