#i made my sideblog for a reason. i canNot shut up about it

[aroacesigma]

hello my name is kai, i use he/him prns, im 17, etc etc you don't need to know much else. please read this before you follow.

if you are a zionist, think that "both sides have a point", or regularly reblog from zionist blogs, DNI . i cannot truly express how much i despise people like you. free palestine 🇵🇸 (additional note: if i softblocked you and you think you might potentially fall under one of these categories, yes it was intentional. stop following me back.)

NOTE: i reblog donation posts for palestinian families, since i receive a lot of asks. if i reblog these without tags, they are vetted. on that note, i do see all asks but i get too many to answer. i cannot donate at this time, but i reblog posts from the asks i receieve.

please donate if you can (1)

please donate if you can (2)

please donate if you can (3)

please donate if you can (4)

please donate if you can (5)

Usual DNF list (bigots) and also if you ship anything i dislike (s*lki, th*rki, od*zai, kyouka x atsushi etc., anything incest or adult minor falls under this category) . Also dni hardcore Loki series or mcu Wanda fans. thats for ur own good im a hater. update: because for some reason this has to be made clear?? if you dont think transmascs are opressed for being transmasc just gtfo cmon be fucking fr

note on the shipping thing: i dont gaf what your stance on shipping discourse is in the slightest. i just mean dnf if you ship adult minor or incest stuff, and that is non negotiable . the ones listed that doesnt apply to i just hate lmfao. i mean follow me if you really want to prove a point ig but ill block you once i realise?

art sideblog: @gratielalovebot (on Instagram too)

stuff i like + tagging system under the cut !!

Stuff i actually talk about on here:

bsd (too much) especially sigma (far too much) , manga and anime

on that note my favourite characters are sigma, dazai, chuuya, nikolai and oda, and my favourite ships are sigzai, skk and fyolai (last one is on thin fucking ice after 109)

have i mentioned i love sigma . i really love sigma . he is everything to me .

once again . on that note i literally do not shut up about my favourite headcanon of sigma being transmasc, so if you dont like that maybe dont

marvel comics (especially wanda and also the xmen though im not particularly caught up right now)

my faves in that is really just wanda i love her dearly . this is not a safe space for mcu wanda stans you will be blocked on sight . this is however a safe space for people who love the gratiela fancast bc shes the best actually

yknow what i know this is stuff i like but just a warning while i am currently fixated on bsd if someone gets me started on how much i hate that godamn loki show i will go on a rant . i hate it . so much . so so so much .

i dont talk about it much but i need everyone to know that i loveeee agents of shield

tag system:

[character/ship] - general stuff about said character/ship

[character/ship] fanart - i feel like this is obvious

[media] / [media] fanart - if theres too many characters im not bothered to tag , or if the post is general

ramblings - my original posts . its all bullshit . most of its rambling about which characters i think are trans . repetitively .

asks - also self explanatory

[username] - if youve sent me an ask and i answered it on web , xkit tagged it with your username

save - stuff that was important enough to save for later or fanart that i particularly liked

[wildpokemon]

hello!! do you have any nice anime ref???

Ooo, I only really started watching anime at the beginning of last year so I haven’t seen too many, but these are some of my favorites!! (I know they’re mostly sports anime, but don’t let that deter you - I had no interest in sports at all perviously, and some of these shows are legitimately my favorite stories of all time)

Sports anime:

Haikyuu!!

Run With the Wind/Kazetsuyo

SK8 The Infinity

Ace of the Diamond/Daiya no Ace

Shounen:

Mob Psycho 100

My Hero Academia/Boku no Hero Academia

Jujutsu Kaisen

Shoujo:

Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun/Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun

Fruits Basket

(descriptions/my thoughts on each under the cut bc, as usual, i cannot contain myself and it was getting too long lol)

SPORTS!

Haikyuu!! (Currently 4 seasons, season 5 TBA) - Volleyball!! But it’s really about love, learning how to be okay when things are hard, and just connecting to other people. (I know that sounds super generic but TRUST me, the way Haikyuu!! does all those things through volleyball is so so good). Plus, there’s a great cast of characters all with distinct personalities and easily some of the best character development arcs I have ever seen. It’s light, fun, and the games are intense - they really keep you on the edge of your seat! I really cannot recommend Haikyuu!! enough, if you watch anything from this list, watch Haikyuu!! lol - I have a whole sideblog (@suckishima) dedicated to it lmao, I highly suggest you read the manga too if you like the anime (it’s 402 chapters, completed last July, and I genuinely think it’s a masterpiece)

Run With the Wind/Kazetsuyo (1 season, 23 episodes - complete) - Long distance running! Unlike all the other sports anime here, this one is set in college instead of high school, and it’s based off of a novel iirc. Another great cast of characters, and a lot of really good stuff about finding and sharing your passions, discovering/rediscovering things you love, and bonding together even though you run alone. It’s not quite as like fun/humorous/bubbly as most of the others on this list, but I definitely wouldn’t qualify it as heavy angst either. Will probably leave you crying in a good way!

SK8 The Infinity (1 season, currently airing - final episode is this Saturday!) - Skateboarding! This show is full of bright colors and is just generally a lot of fun. It doesn’t take itself too seriously regarding the actual skating (there’s a lot of defying physics - but that’s part of the fun imo), but the characters take skating very seriously lmao. The show also gives a lot of care to the friendships and general relationship dynamics - it does a really good job of balancing the character developments and the skating itself. Really fun protagonists and an easily hatable villain too!

Ace of the Diamond/Daiya no Ace (3 seasons - depends a bit on how you count them, but either way there’s a LOT of episodes) - Baseball! Easily the “sportiest” of the sports anime listed here. The learning curve is a bit harder with Daiya if you don’t have much experience with baseball - the show doesn’t take as much time to explain the significance of positions/rules like Haikyuu!! does - but once you get into it, there’s a lot of really great games and hype to be had here.

SHOUNEN!

(There are lots of good shounen anime and I haven’t seen nearly all of them lol, these are just the ones I’ve enjoyed the most of what I’ve seen)

Mob Psycho 100 (2 seasons, season 3 TBA - I hope??) - I reblogged a post a few days ago that I think sums mp100 up perfectly - it really is a great mix of slice of life and typical shounen things. A young kid has insane psychic powers, his boss is a con man who pretends to have psychic powers, and all the MC really wants is to be nice, make friends, spread love and get buff lol. I smiled throughout my entire watch of mp100, and laughed a lot too. It is about taking down evil spirits, but it’s also not about that at all haha, it’s truly about love imo (are you sensing a pattern in my favorite shows??) Plus the animation is amazingly good - it’s really stylized and “ugly” at times, but in actuality it’s constantly stunning.

Boku no Hero Academia (Season 5 currently airing!) - This one is pretty universally known, but I figured I’d mention it anyway. Pretty typical shounen MC who starts as an underdog who has to work hard but then is given an amazing opportunity to finally fulfill his dreams of being a pro hero. Lots of characters with all sorts of backstories and perspectives, good rivalries, and fun fights between all sorts of different super powers. Plot-wise I don’t think it really does anything too innovative, but I’m always having a good time when I watch, and the worldbuilding is pretty fun too. I’m caught up with the manga on this one too and one thing I really appreciate is that almost everything you see feels relevant and important again at some point - there’s not really any filler arcs or anything, even though it’s an action-y shounen series, it doesn’t feel like it’s being dragged out and there seems to be clear and intentional storylines happening.

Jujutsu Kaisen (1 season, season 2 TBA and a movie coming Winter 2022) - Okay, this is easily the darkest thing on the entire list lol - I know you asked for nice anime and to be honest, even though there is humor and some fun in jjk, I don’t think I can qualify this as a “nice” show lol, there’s a lot of blood, gore and death tbh. But! I thought I’d mention it anyway! It’s about high schooled aged sorcerers who exorcize cursed objects and spirits. The magic/fighting system can be kind of dense, but it lends to a lot of really cool fights and interesting situations for the characters too. The main characters are all really lovable and provide a lot of lightness even during the serious bits! I’ve only just started reading the manga for this one, but from what I’ve heard it sounds like there’s a good amount of lore and backstories to go around. Plus, just a lot of general narrative craziness apparently lolll. The animation for jjk is absolutely insane too.

SHOUJO!

Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun/Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun (1 season - 12 episodes) - I only finished gsnk last week but it’s a lot of fun! Light, easy, and dumb fun lol. The MC tries to ask out her crush and instead gets sucked into being his assistant for his monthly shoujo manga that he writes. There’s a ton of meta jokes, ridiculous scenarios and just general silliness. If you follow me bc you like Miraculous Ladybug then I think you’d like this a lot too - there’s a lot of similar vibes in some of the situations, characters and running jokes!

Fruits Basket (2 seasons, final season airing April 5!) - Okay, I’ll be honest I have mixed feelings about Fruits Basket. It’s about a young girl who has recently lost her mother and ends up living with some guys who come from a clan where some of them can turn into their specific animals of the Chinese zodiac. The series starts off pretty typically for a shoujo, but eventually delves further into the lore surrounding the family the MC stays with. It definitely touches on darker topics, but overall the messages are pretty positive. The show also has a lot to say about abuse and coping mechanisms and I think those aspects as well as the eventual focus on the more fantastical elements is where the show really shines. The original manga was written in the very early 2000s I believe, and some of the storylines do feel a bit questionable and fall into some overused and outdated tropes. Either way, I think there’s a lot of fun to be had with Fruits Basket!

Aaaah omg, sorry I wrote so much and I hope this does help!! If you end up watching any of these I’d love to hear your thoughts!

[beetleboo]

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked. 

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

[phanomeheart]

do u have any recs for good omens blogs or fics?

Anon, I have SO MANY good omens fic recs!

I’m gonna put them under the cut, but this inspired me to finally make a spreadsheet of recs that will autofill from my master spreadsheet of GO fic with fics I’ve finished and recommend.

On to some specific recs, if you’re not wanting over 150 fics to wade through:

First and foremost, I have to rec the first good omens fic I ever read, Salinity (And Other Measurements of Brackish Water) by @drawlight. This fic made me go from adamantly insisting I wasn’t going to get into good omens fic yet cuz I still had to finish my thesis to now having read 245 fics in less than 2 months (send help). I’m going to go ahead and rec all of their fics and can so far personally attest to the brilliance and soul crushing beauty of: Quiet Light, Ad Astra, Alegría, and I Will Get Up Now And Go About The City. I consistently need a minumum of 24 hours to recover after reading something of theirs.

The rest, in no particular order:

small infinities and all that (M, 13.2k) by @billypotts: And there it is, isn’t it? Something they’ve known for a long time, but haven’t named it. Have been too scared to name it. Something that speaks in their bones, in the space between them. Crowley and Aziraphale are turned human. This is the aftermath.

lit in the darkness (M, 40.5k) by ToEdenandBackAgain: Aziraphale returns to Crowley's flat for the night after Armageddon. After all, it's hardly the first time they've shared sleeping arrangements. Or: Times throughout history Crowley and Aziraphale have shared a bed.

Something We Were Withholding Made Us Weak (M 17.1k) by triedunture: "Yes, exactly. Retire." Aziraphale reaches for the last remaining tartlet brimming with summer berries. "Somewhere along the south coast, perhaps." Or: Crowley and Aziraphale learn to move in tandem.

all i need, darling, is a life in your shape (G, 14.2k) by @mortuarybees: After everything, Aziraphale and Crowley, by unspoken agreement, begin sharing their lives. 

Something to do with these sacred words (T, 11.k) by Solshine: Crowley confesses early, and Crowley confesses often. Aziraphale never knows quite what to say.

Anywhere You Want to Go (E, 9.9k) by Aria: Aziraphale knew Crowley liked him. He'd known it with a horrible clarity since around 1100, which was at least a thousand years after the first time he'd thought of kissing Crowley, and some eight hundred and odd before it occurred to him that the specific quality of Crowley's regard could be very dangerous for both of them, if they actually admitted their feelings aloud. It was also two weeks since any of that had mattered at all anymore.

Slow (T, 9.4k) by @theirdarkreturning: It started like this: A boy with the ability to warp reality met an angel and a demon and he made assumptions. You might say it started like this: An angel and a demon found a marriage contract hung on the wall of the angel's bookshop. They didn't question it. It also could have started like this: Once upon a time, the angel told the demon he went too fast. The demon took it to heart. Aziraphale and Crowley find themselves somehow married. Crowley fears going too fast. Aziraphale forges ahead. Neither know how to ask questions of each other.

At Least Eleven Second First Times (M, 8.8k) by enjambament: Aziraphale deals with the consequences of having a brand new body after he'd broken the last one in for 6,000 years. Crowley helps. Taking a drunk-on-life Aziraphale on an impromptu road trip through French wine country to the North of Spain for a beach holiday is definitely helping, right?

An Angel who did not so much Fall In Love as Settle Into It Gradually (G, 7.5k) by @theladyzephyr: “Why does it bother you?” Crowley asked. “Even if you can’t get to them in time to wipe their memories, it’s not like anyone’d believe them. Kid goes running to her mum saying Ooh, I’ve just seen a bloke with three heads and a sixteen-foot wingspan, what do you think’s going to happen? Chances are they’ll just pat her on the shoulder and tell her what a vivid imagination she’s got.”“That’s not what worries me,” said Aziraphale.

it's the light (it's the obstacle that casts it) (T, 5.8k) by Handful_of_Silence: It's like having a curtain pulled back on something he wasn't expecting to see. A surprise punch-and-judy at an up-scale restaurant, a lobster thermidor when he's ordered an ale.Crowley's gleefully trying to wrap his head around the fact that Aziraphale is speaking Polari. Because of course he is. Or: The Patron Saint of London's LGBT Community is real, and he lives in Soho.

every angel is terrifying (T, 4.8k) by punkfaery: “Why does it bother you?” Crowley asked. “Even if you can’t get to them in time to wipe their memories, it’s not like anyone’d believe them. Kid goes running to her mum saying Ooh, I’ve just seen a bloke with three heads and a sixteen-foot wingspan, what do you think’s going to happen? Chances are they’ll just pat her on the shoulder and tell her what a vivid imagination she’s got.” “That’s not what worries me,” said Aziraphale.

a city wall and a trampoline (T, 4.7k) by kafkian: In their cottage in the South Downs, when Crowley eventually succeeds in getting Aziraphale to use a laptop, it takes Aziraphale literal hours to get past the default Windows screensavers of picturesque locations because 'oh, look, isn't it lovely, Crowley!' 5 times Crowley knows he’s in love with Aziraphale + 1 time he knows the reverse.

Morning Has Broken (T, 3.9k) by @dwarven-beard-spores: The year is 1972 and the last surviving member of Aziraphale’s gentleman’s club has passed away. (Warning for this one: heavy discussions of death and mourning. These are things I normally avoid for personal reasons, but this fic was gorgeous and just the right kind of painful on this topic for me.)

Love Hath Made Thee a Tame Snake (E, 3.5k) by @thehoyden: He was the bloody Serpent of Eden, and he wasn’t going to stand for this kind of flagrant trespassing.

An Invitation You Can't Decline (E, 2k) by @thehoyden: “I have standards,” Aziraphale huffed.“Don’t I know it,” Crowley sighed. And then, like he’d done it a hundred times before, he covered Aziraphale’s hand with his.

You, Soft and Only (E, 9.4k) by @thehoyden: He hadn’t expected a sudden lapful of angel.“Very sorry about this,” Aziraphale said, and kissed him.

the deft, sweet gesture of your hand (E, 12.1k) by @mortuarybees: Crowley arrives injured at Aziraphale's door. He takes care of him, reads him an awful lot of Mary Oliver, and knits elaborate metaphors for his insecurities (literally).

the technology is neutral (E, 6.9k) by @deputychairman: “Stand up?” he echoed, incredulous but too undone by sensation to express the full force of his disbelief. “I can barely even remember my own name after that, and you want me to stand up?”“Your name is Anthony J Crowley, apparently, although you never did tell me what the J stood for so I can’t help you there,” he said, not hiding his smile. “Do stand up, I promise you’ll like it.”

Sudden and Surprising Moments of Overwhelming Affection (G, 2.7K) by @forineffablereasons: Aziraphale has not shut up in thirty-four minutes. Crowley’s been counting.

get religion quick (cause you're looking divine) (G, 4.3k) by @brinnanza: So it was fine. Even if Crowley couldn’t love him, he clearly liked him well enough, and that was almost the same thing.It no doubt would have continued to be fine, or at least fine-adjacent, were it not for a narrowly averted apocalypse and several bottles of a really quite nice Riesling Aziraphale had found in the back room of his newly restored bookshop.

Wings and How to Hide Them (M, 10.1k) by triedunture: Crowley's been annoyingly in love for six thousand years. What's another lifetime between friends? Or: Aziraphale definitely fucks and isn't that just perfect?

i know i've kissed you before (but i didn't do it right) (G, 4.8k) by @gallantrejoinder: They'd given it a go once. Ages ago. And they'd both agreed it wasn't for them.

I’ll cut myself off there, but the Good Omens fandom is distressingly full of amazing fic, and there are so many more I love too (see the spreadsheet)! All of the above fics have personally ruined me and I cannot rec them highly enough. Don’t forget to leave a comment if you feel up to it! 

In terms of blogs, I don’t know that I’m a great source for that, but some blogs I follow: @rafaelafranzen, @forineffablereasons, @drawlight, @thehoyden. I’m realizing that’s really it on the primarily GO focused blogs. I also have a GO sideblog, @sansevieriatri, but I don’t know if I’d rec it, as it’s mostly me reblogging art and fic I love and screaming about it in the tags (so basically like this blog).

Thanks for the ask! I enjoyed this more than I think probably anyone else will, lol. (Also, my constant disclaimer, if I’ve made any mistakes let me know.)

[honeybeeofficial]

here lies 904 words of funky gender uhhh Stuff. reflecting on age 15 ezra which doesn’t seem that long ago but apparently I was a completely different person 

going through old blog content… hurts, a lot, and maybe wasn’t the greatest decision. but it does help put present things into perspective, so I guess I… don’t really regret that decision. I’m just kind of… sad

because as it turns out, watching your younger self still identify as your assigned gender is, like, not an easy or pleasant thing

and really, it’s not the jokes between NaNo friends about me being the token cishet, because those were always jokes, and they always joked about turning me queer, and after each stage of me coming out I’ve joked about ever having been the token cishet. it’s not that. it’s the blithe certainty with which I reblogged posts about womanhood, talked about femininity, existed as a girl. I think the worst ones I saw were posts where I was just going about my life and referred to myself with ‘she’ pronouns– one post read “[url at the time] is annoyed that she can write poems but not lyrics”– a sentiment that tbh still resonates with me, but 15-year-old me used the wrong pronouns because– of course she did. that was default, correct, there was no reason to do anything else. it’s the sincere anons who said I was doing a good job of being an ally. it’s the fact that this was just life for me, and life was girl.

(it’s not just the gender thing, though that’s the biggest part of this. there was one post I’d reblogged at some point in late 2013 that read “reblog if you’re not asexual,” which just kinda startled me because I thought I’d identified as ace by then. and there were a lot of posts about autism and bisexuality and eating disorders and aromanticism and nonbinarism that just made me sad to see, because I know I was reblogging them entirely in support of my friends or the hypothetical audience and without even thinking about them in terms of myself. and if I had had a few more dots to connect, maybe things would have, at some point or in some way, been a little easier.)

there’s a part of me in 2019– especially when I’m back home, or with people I don’t know if I can ever come out to– that thinks well, maybe I am still woman-aligned enough that coming out doesn’t matter. but after today, I don’t… think I can think that way anymore, because seeing the ease with which I lived as a girl when I was 15 makes me deeply dysphoric in the way that– I’m a completely different person now. there is almost nothing about me that’s the same now. Seeing how carelessly I and my friends used ‘she’ pronouns to refer to me, even to some extent seeing how strongly I connected with the name I used to go by online (which remained my primary name up until just a few months ago!) makes me… just… I don’t know. there’s something kind of sickening about watching yourself misgender yourself and not think anything of it, and it’s somehow even worse when I consider the fact that it… wasn’t misgendering. that was just. me. I don’t think it would be entirely inaccurate to say that when I was younger, I was a girl. maybe not entirely accurate either, but there was a part of me that actually, genuinely connected with being a girl.

I remember one evening that I probably didn’t ever tell anyone about, because I was too afraid of the implications to even admit it– probably in 2013 or early 2014. I was wearing a green and white striped shirt, and I looked down at myself briefly while i was sweeping the kitchen floor and thought “what would it be like if my chest was flat?” and I immediately shut that down and dismissed it because I had enough ties to the lgbt+ community to know what thoughts like that might mean, and I was terrified of it for my own sake and because I had some… unusual baggage with transmasc people at the time. It’s not like that fear has changed an awful lot– I still keep most of my confusion and worrying about identity on a quiet sideblog that if anyone has ever found, they’ve had the decency to pretend they didn’t. 

2013–14 was the main time I wanted to clean up. I noticed, anyway, that the last few months I trawled through today were harder to cast a broad net for things I could delete without double checking; so I may or may not continue, I don’t know. but if I do, it’s not… going to get easier. I know that even though I realized some things in October 2014, just a few months forward from where I left off today, I kept using mostly the same old pronouns, and holding onto the idea of being the same person, for a long time– partly out of uncertainty over my identity, but partly out of fear, and partly out of just trying to hold on to the ‘safe’ thing that was femininity and being able to still call myself a girl. Because as long as that still fit, I didn’t have to change anything, and I didn’t have to actually enter the scary world of being trans. 

anyway. processing things. basically, watching myself be entirely and confidently a gender that I cannot be anymore just kinda sucked.

[bastardsunlight]

😡

😡 :  Worse role play-related encounter and what advice you would give to others to avoid similar situations?

Okay so hang onto your butt ‘cause this is going to get long. ALSO heads-up there’s discussion of manipulative behavior, fictional rape/assault, and mentions of suicide.

A couple of years ago, I met this gal who wrote an OC—innocuous enough. She did sick art for her OC and it was fun to interact. I cannot recall if it was Cable or D to whom she first attached herself. We had a decent thread with D on me old blog, RadiantDecay ‘til the purge killed it. I think we picked it back up but idk…

Cable was the big one—the doozy.

So some of you know (e.g. anyone who’s written with me/read my muse sexuality/gender HC list that I have always written Cable as 100% pure grade-A home of sectional. I was very upfront about this when she clearly expressed a desire to ship with him, like, romantically.

Now, I don’t have a problem with age gap—I ship Raiden with people and he’s literally eternal so…. What I take issue with is when one muse is so very clearly WAY too immature to come close to appealing to a muse who has seen Some Shit™. Their lived experiences just cannot match up. Cable is a 50-60some time traveling gritty fuckin’ badass telepath with a giant gun and a constant headache named Wade Wilson (sometimes husband tho; depends on the day).

Turns out this gal was (probably still is) a MAJOR FC hunter. Josh Brolin (a Cable I only write peripherally) and Benicio Del Toro were her focuses (another buddy I met through her writes MCU’s collector, so there’s your Del Toro). I told her flat out Cable is gay and she was immediately lowkey hostile. She got over it though and we started writing.

Red flag much?

Thirty some odd replies in and this is shaping up a bit. We’re playing it on Providence, Cable’s island that’s made of his ship—blah blah blah—her OC has a power surge that knocks out half the computers. That was another thing about her OC. She HAD to be the strongest person in the room but also unaware of her strength except when it was interesting to the plot.

She started messaging me again about SHIPPING THEM. I said somethin’ like “he probably sees her as a daughter or granddaughter, maybe—he’s a mentor type. Also he’s still gay.” She acted like I’d never told her so I did something I rarely do and scrolled tf up, screenshotted the message, and posted it. “Yeah,” I said, “but I did.”

On another track, she decided to get into Devil May Cry. She wanted to write her OC as the reincarnation of Nero’s dead mother or something? But also wanted me to write that Vergil had raped the poor girl. Now, again, referring back to the chart, Vergil is also gay as fuck. I was also up front about this, BEFORE she whipped out the sexual assault card and even THAT I had to pry from her.

By this point our “friendship” was rocky as fuck. When I refused to write or acknowledge that, because I found it offensive, she started writing a “fuck you fic” (the channel title) in the server she named after herself and in which she gathered her “friends” (e.g. people who played characters with those FCs). I think she booted me from the server or something idk.

Anyway there was a bunch of shit and I actually DID keep screenshots from various disco conversations (which btw I NEVER do, but holy shit this was insurance), bu the culminating thing that made me run for the hills was the night she threatened suicide via voice message she straight up sent me over discord because I refused her freaky-ass rape plot. She said shit about how I called her “manipulative” (I didn’t) and how that really hurt and something about her fucking dog? Idk. She’d also mentioned at some point that a previous Cable Rper had referred to her as a “manipulative bitch”.

HMMMMMMMMMM.

I ain’t gunna post her URL or whatever, but suffice it to say, I got a hold of a mutual friend (thank god they gave me the time of day) to tell ‘em what had actually happened, ‘cause evidently the chick decided to ghost me and then tell some WILD tales with seriously doctored screenshots to her buddies in her server. They let me tell my story and trusted me on it because evidently the screenies were HELLA sus. They also shared some really uncomfortable instances of her racism and homophobia so that was neat—this friend being a queer person of non-whitery an’ all that. Nice. I recalled that when I’d mentioned I was queer meself, she’d kind of drawn back and acted REALLY goddamn strange.

So yeah, I asked this friend a final favor and I’d bugger off if they didn’t wanna deal with me: “please tell her she needs to unblock and DM me right now or I’m going to leak every fucking screenshot I have”. I was NOT happy. I just needed her to know that I knew she was lying about me and that I felt nothing but contempt for her. I told her in no uncertain terms that if I so much as got a fucking HINT that she was fucking with this mutual friend, I’d post ‘em all on a frickin’ sideblog and tag every single person with whom I KNEW she associated.

Was I gunna do it? For this friend? Hell yes. On me own, unprovoked? No. I had and still have a strict “no bullshit” policy when it comes to call outs, burn blogs, blah blah whatever. But the threat was enough to keep her worthless trap shut. See the reason I needed her to DM me was that I’d closed the convo without realizing she’d fucked off. I now have access to it—yes even today—so if you’re out there sweaty {; fuckin’ try me~

ASK THE MUN! - accepting

EDIT: a gazillion years later, but still Munday at least, I realize I didn’t answer the second half: advice to avoid similar situations. Honestly, give folks a chance, but follow your gut and do not be afraid to have extensive fucking rules. If people are scared off by a lot of reading in a hobby that requires reading, you don’t want to write with ‘em anyway. In addition, passwords (which I have) are OKAY. There are folks with “I don’t do passwords” in their rules and that’s fine, too; they’re just not going to be your writing partner. Do not bend on that. Be patient and cordial, but if your rules say “no threads without the password” don’t bend. (obvious exception is that like, mutual friends give you the all-clear on ‘em ‘cause they know this person personally duh, but otherwise stick to your guns!)

[corystssides]

Long Nights

Words: 1325

Summary: Anxiety’s always up at this time of night, but it’s the first time he’s seen Princey up so late.

Tagging: @ts-sideblog, @princeyandanxiety, @protect-sandersides, @skylions-den idk if any of you want to see this but you all contributed to the inspiration post so...

Anxiety popped into Thomas’s house, on a mission for midnight snacks. He had some in his own section of the dreamspace, but he could never get the snacks to taste quite right, so he preferred to steal Thomas’s. It wasn’t like he was going to miss them. Probably. And since it was past 3 am, and Thomas was sticking to the schedule of being in bed by three at the latest, Anxiety doubted that there would be anyone to catch him.

Of course, that was immediately proven wrong when, upon appearing in the living room, he was assaulted by a ball of paper. “Rude,” he said, without even identifying the perpetrator.

Naturally, that made it all the more satisfying when a certain royal figure jumped about three feet off the couch in surprise. Princey turned around and glared at him. “Villain,” he stage-whispered. “What are you doing awake so late?”

“Uh, staying up late is kinda my thing,” Anxiety said, wandering over to the kitchen. As he pulled a soda from the fridge and started looking for the cookies he knew Patton had baked sometime earlier, he said, “It is not, however, yours. So, why are you awake?”

“At this hour you should partake in the milk instead of the soda.” Anxiety glared. Roman shrugged. “Patton’s advice.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Anxiety said, putting the soda back and pulling a cup from the cupboard.

“Oh, I’ve not slept for days,” Roman said. “There have been too many new experiences, and I’ve been struggling to keep up with all of it. I have to get everything down, you know--never know when inspiration might strike. Plus, there have been so many artworks from the Fanders--did you know that’s what Thomas’s fans are called? Fanders. It’s so cute, and they send us artwork and I’ve been trying to catch all of those as well, encourage their creativity. And I’ve been helping Thomas with the videos of course. They’ve been really buggy lately--we’ve even had to call in Logic for help.”

“I know, I was there, remember?” Anxiety said, pouring a glass of milk.

“Yes, and you weren’t helping at all.”

“I was the one who told you to get Logan!”

“Sure, after telling me, Thomas, and Joan that what we were doing was going to ruin the video, only for Logan to tell us to continue doing exactly what we had been doing before!”

“Speaking of which, if you don’t quiet down, you’re going to wake them.” Anxiety found the cookies. He pulled out five.

“It’s just Thomas in the house,” Roman said, noticeably quieter. “Joan went home a few hours after we banished you--”

“Yeah, in a move that surprised no one,” Anxiety said bitterly, taking his drink and cookies and sitting on the other side of the couch from Roman.

“--and Logan, of course, prefers to sleep in his part of the mindscape. And what else were we supposed to do?” Roman said, balling up another piece of paper and throwing it carelessly toward the tv. “We were already running far later than expected, and you were only delaying us further.”

Anxiety “hmm”-ed into his milk but didn’t respond. Roman yawned. There was silence for a few minutes, and then Anxiety abruptly asked, “What are you working on?”

“I’m processing all of our new experiences into possible ideas for our upcoming videos. Any of them that I don’t discard I’ll be giving to Logan in the morning to see if they’re feasible.”

“Dad doesn’t get a say?”

“Patton gets a say on whatever Logan approves. We have to make sure Thomas will want to do the videos.” After a moment, Roman looked up and smirked. “Also, I’m telling him you called him Dad.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Oh, I’m all about daring,” Roman said, his smirk now a shit-eating grin.

“I’ll tell Logan you’re the reason his whiteboards all disappeared for a week, then,” Anxiety countered.

Roman gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“I’m all about it,” Anxiety mocked.

Roman gave a “hmph,” and Anxiety knew that neither of them would be telling the other’s secrets. They fell into another silence. Roman yawned again.

“You do magic, do you not? Curses and such?” Roman asked.

Anxiety glared suspiciously. “...Sometimes.”

“You should put me to sleep.”

“I’m not killing you,” Anxiety said, looking alarmed that Roman would even suggest such a thing.

“No, not like that!” Roman said. “I meant literally. I have no energy, yet I cannot get myself to go to sleep.”

“Why would you trust me to do something like that?” Anxiety asked. “I’m a villain, remember? You don’t like me.”

“I trust that you are too afraid of damaging consequences to do anything of grave consequence,” Roman said.

“Hmm, you’re right,” Anxiety said. “Which is why I’m not going to curse you at all.”

“What?!”

“Nope. Too dangerous. However, I can give you a boost of energy. After that runs out, I guarantee you’ll fall asleep.”

Roman pondered the offer for a moment, then said, “Do it.”

“‘Kay. Only catch is that we have to stay in physical contact, so…” He drank the last of his milk and then stretched out across the couch, so his sock-covered feet rested atop Roman’s lap. Instantly, Roman felt a sort of nervous energy, as though he needed to do something now. He needed to be productive, because he was running out of time, but his brain felt a little fuzzy, as though it couldn’t fathom doing anything unless he did everything all at once.

“I see clothing poses no barrier,” Roman said, suddenly scribbling on his pad at a frantic pace.

“Not usually,” Anxiety said, pulling out his phone.

“Is this how you usually feel?” Roman said, trying to concentrate on his work and finding it harder and harder to do.

“I don’t know, how do you feel?”

“I’m not sure exactly how to describe it. Somewhat...itchy, perhaps? As though my emotions are scratchy on the inside.”

Anxiety just gave him a look that conveyed how stupid that sounded. “Yeah, that was a bad way of phrasing it,” Roman muttered. “Never mind.”

Roman stayed mostly quiet after that, doing his best to shut up and stay on task. Anxiety started curling further into the couch, going from laying on his back with his head on the armrest, to laying on his side with his head on one of the couch pillows as the morning wore on. Then, finally, he curled all the way up, bringing his knees closer to his chest and breaking contact with Roman. He’d fallen asleep. His shared energy had worn out.

As soon as they broke contact, Roman was hit with a wave of exhaustion. He barely had time to even put his notebook down before he passed out on his end of the couch.

~

Thomas woke up suddenly, heart pounding, at the first ray of sunlight. The memory of the nightmare was already fading, but the terror was still there. He stumbled out of bed and made his way toward the kitchen for a glass of water. As he got to the stairs, he saw one of the living room accent lights turned on. Someone had been in his house. An intruder!

Then he saw the sword among the scattered paper balls. Roman. Of course. Once he reached the bottom step he saw that, surprisingly, Anxiety was also there. They were, naturally, on opposite sides of the couch, but over the course of however long they’d been asleep there, their feet and legs had gotten tangled together. They’d probably be super embarrassed about it when they woke up. Thomas wished he’d brought his phone. Instead of getting it though, he got a glass of water and returned to his bedroom, leaving the two of them to deal with it when they woke up.

Of course, no one was expecting Patton to pop in bright and early and make them even more embarrassed.

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

Tag thing

I was tagged by @kwamimusings (thanks!!) for two things so I guess I’ll just do them both all in one long thing :P

Name: Aish

Nicknames: Flash

Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius

Height: 5′5′’? 5′6′’?

Orientation: Asexual :D and proooobably gay on the romantic side

Ethnicity: Indian

Favourite Fruit: Mango

Favourite Season: Hmm that’s tough... winter maybe?

Favourite Book: I can’t choose! All the Harry Potter books let’s just say

Favourite Flower: Rose!!

Favourite Scent: Lavender

Favourite animals: DRAGONS COUNT RIGHT

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Cocoa: Tea (I’m Indian and I live in England okay... tea is my whole life)

Cat or Dog Person: Both both both both both

Favourite Fictional Character: *looks at url* Gee I wonder! *looks at icon* It could be anyone at all *looks at header* We just don’t know??? *looks at blog description* No idea at all

Dream Trip: Can I just say space

Blog Created: I’m not sure because I didn’t use this blog when I first created it I think, but like... 2011? 2012?? Not sure

Number of Followers: 1530 (ALMOST OVERTAKEN MY DISNEY SIDEBLOG, COME ON LIKE 20 MORE PEOPLE)

What I Post About: Mostly Miraculous Ladybug tbh, sometimes memes or other TV shows or just posts I think are funny

Do I get asks on a regular basis: Not really, just every now and then

Aesthetic: I always look like I’ve just got out of bed, pulled on the first thing from my wardrobe and not bothered to brush my hair. This is because it’s true.

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

LAST ___:

Drink: Water Phone Call: My mum I think? Text message: My dad this time Song you listened to: Everything Is Awesome (yeah, The Lego Movie :D) Time you cried: Like a few weeks ago I think, omg it was over something really embarrassing

HAVE YOU EVER ____: Dated someone twice: Not even once :P Been cheated on: Only on the Sims 3 Kissed someone and then regretted it: Never kissed anyone at all Lost someone special: Yep Been depressed: Too much over the past few years :/ Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nah, I can’t drink alcoholic stuff, it tastes awful (but I have thrown up over drinking too much orange juice and getting hyper)

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS: Purple, pink, blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU _____: Made new friends: Yep! <3 Fallen out of love: Mmmm... idk Laughed until you cried: So much Found out someone was talking about you: *shrug* idk Met someone who changed you: Nah Found out who your true friends are: Yes Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I haven’t used facebook in like 3 centuries

GENERAL: How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: I don’t even remember but probably all of them Do you have any pets: No T_T Do you want to change your name: Nah, I love my name What did you do for your last birthday: Funnily enough I was actually on a flight to India on my last birthday What time did you wake up: about midnight. No, I’m not kidding, I went to sleep at like 10PM, woke up at midnight for some reason and then couldn’t get to sleep. I mean, I knew my sleep schedule was screwed up but I didn’t realize it was THAT screwed up What were you doing at midnight last night: Waking up and then trying to go back to sleep and accidentally inventing very angsty fanfic in my head

Name something you cannot wait for: When I inevitably buy the new Zelda game When was the last time you saw your mother: On Skype, earlier this week. In person, maybe like a month ago What is something you wish you could change about your life: SO. MANY. THINGS What are you listening to right now: the sound of my fingers typing this on the keyboard Have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yeah Something that is getting on your nerves:  Me. I’m getting on my nerves Most visited website: this blue website right here probably Elementary: Somewhere in England :P High school: Somewhere in New Zealand, followed by somewhere in England again :P I’ve moved around a lot. College: Somewhere in England, again :P Hair color: Very dark brown/black Long or short hair: Short Do you have a crush on someone: Ummm... idk. I guess it’s kinda... dormant? (Not as dormant as I thought lol SHUT UP AISH) What do you like about yourself:  I like my eyes Piercings: Ears Blood type:  I have no idea and when we were studying phenotypes in biology, I worked out from my parents and grandparents that I could actually have almost any bloodtype, so there’s no way to know or even guess unless I get it checked Nickname: Flash ~ ahhhhh! Relationship status: Forever alone Zodiac sign: Sagittarius Pronouns: She/her I guess, since I’m used to them, but honestly I don’t mind they/them, I’m just fine with whatever tbh Favourite TV show: Take a wild guess :P Tattoos: None Right or left hand: Right handed

FIRST ____: Surgery: None Piercing: Ears. I was less than 2 months old, weirdly enough. Best friend: A cool girl called Micheala who I still talk to sometimes Sport: I think the first sport I was really into was ice skating, when I was like 4 Vacation: I think it was the Lake District when I was like 2?? Idk because obviously I don’t remember hehe Pair of trainers: Okay am I missing something here? I’m English so to me this question looks like it’s asking what were my first pair of that kind of shoes. Which I have no idea.

RIGHT NOW ___: Eating: Just finished a bowl of instant noodles Drinking: Water About to: Play the Sims 3 probably, knowing me, or maybe write, also knowing me Listening to: My flatmates finally getting up Waiting for: season 2 of ML Want: season 2 of ML Get married: idk, I really don’t care much Career: Something creative

WHICH IS BETTER ____: Hugs or kisses: Hugs Lips or eyes: Eyes Shorter or taller: No preference Older or younger: Uh... neither? Same age! Nice arms or nice stomach: Both, both is good Sensitive or loud: Sensitive Hook up or relationship: Relationship Troublemaker or hesitant: I am too hesitant for my own good so how about a troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER ____: Kissed a stranger: I haven’t even kissed anyone I know Drank hard liquor: No Lost glasses/contact lenses: No Turned someone down: No, unless I’ve done it unintentionally Sex on first date: Lol I’m too ace for that and I’ve never even been on a date except as a third wheel Broken someone’s heart: I hope not but I have no idea! Had your own heart broken: Mmmmmmkinda. Been arrested: No Cried when someone died: Yeah... Fallen for a friend: Haha yup *cries in English*

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ____: Yourself: I try to! Miracles: There can be miiiiracles, when you belieeeeve~~ Love at first sight: I mean, I guess you can have a crush at first sight, but not like love love? Santa Claus: SANTA IS REAL AND HE DABS Kiss on the first date: Depends on the person and situation Angels: Sure

OTHER ____: Current best friend’s name: I have more than one best friend! Eye color: Hazel/green/brown Movie: Right now, The Lego Batman Movie ‘cause it’s awesome

I don’t know who’s been tagged and who hasn’t and this is long so, I just tag: whoever wants to do it! Just say I tagged you! <333