#i made a yearning sailor oc

[suaimhneas-gairid]

half-elf yearning

[enigmaticexplorer]

I Yearn, and so I Fear - Part I - Chapter I

Masterlist | Next Chapter

General Summary. Nearly a year since the Galactic Empire’s rise to power, Kazi Ennari is trying to survive. But her routine is interrupted—and life upended—when she’s forced to cohabitate with former Imperial soldiers. Clone soldiers. 

Pairing. Commander Wolffe x female!OC

General Warnings. Canon-typical violence and assault, familial struggles, terminal disease, bigotry, explicit sexual content, death. This story deals with heavy content. If you’re easily triggered, please do not read. For a more comprehensive list of tags, click here.

Fic Rating. E (explicit)/18+/Minors DNI.

Chapter Word Count. 4.8K

“The risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” - Hilary Stanton Zunin

16 Telona

Kazi would never again visit the lighthouse with her sister.

The place where they peeled citrus-stars, watched oceanic storms, danced in puddles, played and laughed, and smacked the other when they argued. It was their sanctuary. And, of course, the ragged lighthouse overlooking Outlook Harbor preserved their culture—the eldest of Ceaian legend.

The legend of the dragons.

As legend claimed, a dragon guarded each Ceaian harbor, its fire a source of light for ships navigating the rugged surf and rocky cliffs. Without the dragons’ guidance, sailors would crash and drown, and the Ceaian population waste away.

When the last of the dragons died, lighthouses replaced their source of light and guidance. But a lighthouse could never replace the security and warmth of a dragon. 

A lighthouse could never replace the visceral reaction of seeing a dragon. Of knowing you were home.

Dominated by childlike wonder, Kazi decided, when she was six, that she would buy the old lighthouse and fix it up. Beside it, she would build an inn. And one day her inn—adorned with her sister’s flowers and succulents—would be the most lauded across all of Ceaia. 

For years the dream sustained her and her sister. She would run the inn and manage the finances, meanwhile her sister would oversee decorations and meal planning. Nothing else mattered. Except for a rowdy sailor here or there. But Kazi would handle them too. Because she would protect her sister. She would always protect her little sister.

And so those girls dreamt of their future and planned for endless happiness.

But life never cared much for dreams. 

Nowadays, Kazi tried to forget the lighthouse’s existence. It made it easier to ignore the ache in her heart and guilt in her mind. 

Slashing rain warmed her fingers as Kazi snapped the final window shut, securing the house from the onslaught of the torrential rainstorm. The sunroom’s windows—spanning the entirety of the wall—overlooked the rolling hills of Eluca’s endless jungle, the planet’s three moons hidden behind clouds pregnant with more rain.

Housing a small couch, four armchairs, a game table, and a handful of potted plants Daria fawned over, the sunroom was Kazi’s favorite place in the house. It boasted the best view of sunrises, and the best views of Eluca’s near-daily rainstorms. 

Tonight, the storm was the worst Kazi had seen since arriving on Eluca two months ago. It wasn’t an oceanic storm, but it was close enough. 

Thunder boomed, loud enough to rattle the windows. Rain harshened its upheaval; lightning spider-webbed chaotic rictuses across the blackened sky. 

Kazi started to smile—the awe and terror of raging storms a memory buried—but the muscle movement strained. Her half-smile fell away. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since she last smiled. At least two months. Probably the day before the Purge—

“I met a man at the marketplace today.”

Kazi stiffened. From the corner of her eye, her sister approached the windows, hands clasped loosely before her stomach. A healthy distance—a meter—separated their bodies. Daria seemed to maintain the distance instinctively. Kazi both noted and despised it.

There was a time when Daria would sneak into her bed late at night. Usually scared from the storms, her sister sought refuge beneath her bed covers. She hadn’t minded. What else was a big sister for? 

Now, the distance was a physical phenomenon. Tangible; representative of the emotional distance built over the last decade. Kazi held the blame and responsibility. But she still craved the missing connection. The muffled laughter in the middle of the night; sneaky grins; warm hugs. 

Daria observed the lashing rain with a blasé countenance that belied her usual calculation. “He’s kind but also ambitious, and his financial situation is sound. I want you to meet him—”

“No.” Kazi crossed her arms over her chest. “I’ve told you, repeatedly, that I won’t entertain arranged dates—”

“This one is good,” Daria interrupted, facing her. “Give him a chance—”

“I said no.”  Kazi kept her voice quiet and controlled, refusing to yell and risk waking Neyti. “I’m too busy with work and taking care of you—”

Daria recoiled. A flash of lightning emphasized the blush staining her cheeks. Kazi bit her tongue. Her sister was sensitive to any mention of her illness. 

“I only ask that you consider meeting him.” Daria straightened, her gentle poise sharpening, like a vibroblade sparking to life. “I’d like to see you married before I die.”

Kazi bit back her annoyed groan, opting for a glare. Currently, she had three goals, and marriage was not one of them. 

The first goal was treatment for her sister’s illness. It should have been simple to accomplish, and while she had found a healer specialized in palliative care, Daria’s symptoms were still ubiquitous and worrisome. Even now sweat beaded her sister’s forehead, and her fingers spasmed unintentionally. 

The problem laid with ineffective medicine, according to Healer Natasha’s most recent report. 

“As I’ve told you,” Kazi said slowly, “I’m not interested in wasting my time on arranged dates—”

“How are you not lonely?”

Kazi scoffed. “Loneliness is not a reason to get married.”

“Maybe not,” Daria said, “but you have no one to rely on. No parents. No friends. No husband.” 

A hollow sensation gaped in her chest but Kazi ignored it. 

Daria took her silence as permission to continue. “Marriage is a necessity in life. Humans desire companionship—women desire the stability a man can bring to our lives. We’re not meant to be alone.”

Kazi took a few seconds to organize her thoughts and counterarguments. After years with a mother who shared Daria’s sentiment, she was prepared for this specific debate. 

“Marriage isn’t something you can force between two people who don’t know one another,” Kazi started, forcibly calm. “Marriage should be based on love. Not desperation or settling out of loneliness. Marriage is about two people who realize they want to share life together. Who feel life is complete when the other is in it.”

Daria snorted. “That’s quite the idealistic notion of romance I wouldn’t expect from you.”

“It’s not idealistic—”

“But it is.” Daria quirked a manicured eyebrow. “Marriage is a pact to maintain the traditions and ideals of two families, and to implement those beliefs in a future generation. It’s more than just love.”

At the condescension in her sister’s tone, Kazi gritted her teeth. She wasn’t an idealist; she preferred realism as her chosen form of analysis. But love wasn’t an idealistic notion for hopeless romantics. She had read the stories and myths. Love was attainable. Maybe not for her, but it still existed. And she refused to settle for a marriage borne out of duty rather than respect and trust and emotional connection.

The argument represented the sisters’ different lines of thinking, and Kazi couldn’t help but wonder: if their father hadn’t died when they were so young and their mother imposed Reformist teachings on an impressionable Daria, would Daria have shared Kazi’s beliefs?  

Then again, Daria was the perfect mold she was trained to be: a dutiful wife. And nothing more.

“Think about Neyti,” Daria said. “She’s a child who needs stability in her life—who needs the stability a man can provide.”

Kazi sniffed. “I don’t need a man to provide stability to Neyti’s life. I can provide it.”

“I know you feel responsible for upholding your promise to her mother,” Daria placated, “but you need to think about this situation logically. Neyti needs a family. She needs two parents. She needs emotional support and love.”

“I can be her family.” Kazi frowned at her sister. “I can raise her. I can love her. I can take care of her.”

“Oh, Kazi.” Daria gave her a sympathetic look that itched. “Do you truly believe that?”

“Yes.”

“You have no emotional capacity for a child. You can’t take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of. Not when you’re alone.”

Kazi resisted the urge to flinch, and instead, shifted her attention to the game table where a bedraggled stuffed dog laid. The toy belonged to a six-year-old girl—a girl shoved into her arms when she was fleeing Ceaia. A child who no longer spoke and remained an enigma she couldn’t figure out. Neyti. 

The second goal was to find Neyti suitable, loving parents. Parents who could raise the sweet child in an insecure world fraught with instability and fascism. However, the goal was proving difficult. 

Entering a child into a credible adoption center required extensive documentation. Medical records, education certificates, familial-history records. Kazi didn’t even know Neyti’s last name, much less have access to any of the required documents. 

Their first week on Eluca, she enrolled Neyti in the local primary school, and she secured baseline medical tests. The medical tests proved useful for Neyti’s therapy. Still, the adoption process was slow and arduous. 

Daria wasn’t aware of Neyti’s impending adoption. She believed Kazi was committed to raising Neyti herself. It was a secret Kazi wanted to maintain. Still, Daria’s concern for her lacking competence to care for Neyti hurt. 

“I have emotions, Daria.” Her voice was too strained and Kazi grimaced, clearing away the twinge of hurt. “I’m passionate, I feel things, I experience a wide range of emotions. Just because I don’t allow them to dictate my decisions doesn’t mean I’m unfeeling and emotionless.”

 “I never said you were.” Daria waved a dismissive hand. “All I’m saying is that your emotional capacity is not sustainable nor durable for a child. You work all day; you work late into the night. You aren’t physically around much for her, and you’re too aloof to provide her the emotional stability she needs. Have you ever considered why she still doesn’t speak?”

“She’s grieving—she lost her mother two months ago,” Kazi said disbelievingly. “She needs space to grieve, and I’m not going to force her to do something she finds solace in.”

“But have you considered the possibility that she doesn’t feel comfortable or safe with you to speak?” Kazi winced at the accusation but her sister wasn’t finished. “Neyti needs emotional support, which you can’t give if you’re not physically present.”

“This conversation is over.” Kazi uncrossed her arms, fisting her hands behind her back to hide their trembling. “I’m not entertaining a marriage for the sake of a false notion of stability.”

“It’s not a false notion,” Daria argued. “You may refuse to acknowledge it in yourself, Kazi, but I see it. I see your struggles, and I know that you need someone—”

“That’s enough.” She turned away from the windows. “You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about my own wants. So don’t you dare try to pretend that you’re interested in securing me a marriage outside of your own personal goal of making me live up to Mama’s teachings.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do—”

“It is. Just because you failed to get married and have children, doesn’t mean I want that for myself.”

Daria flinched. Disbelief wrinkled her forehead, and for a long moment, she merely stared at Kazi, as if uncertain who stood before her.

“Every woman wants to be married and have children,” Daria finally said, securing her hurt behind a well-practiced mask. “It’s in our nature.”

“You’re delusional.” Kazi ignored Daria’s affronted glare. “Forget Mama’s teachings. They did nothing to help you, and she was wrong about most things.”

“Don’t disrespect the dead.”

“I didn’t respect her when she was alive. What’s the difference now?”

“Maybe Mama was right.” Daria sneered at her. “Your access to emotions died the day Papa did.”

Kazi opened her mouth—what to say, she wasn’t sure—but two loud knocks on the front door interrupted. A signal. It was a reminder of her third and final goal: to survive the rebel network.

Relations with the rebel network were new and difficult to navigate. Kazi was indebted to them. She owed them her life—and Daria and Neyti’s lives—and for that reason, she served the network’s needs. However, the network wasn’t a benevolent entity, and being indebted to its cause rattled Kazi more than she liked to admit. 

Typically, she avoided debts. They forced her into a compromising position, allowing someone the opportunity to control her. She preferred self-reliance to kindness, and when she did indebt herself, she always paid it back quickly. 

Her father believed it a question of honor and a true demonstration of character. Her mother took a more cynical approach: “To be in someone’s debt is to give them power over you,” she once told Kazi. “Only fools put themselves in such situations.”

Sometimes she wondered how her mother would have responded to the Purge. Would the Ennari matriarch humble her obstinance to secure a means for survival? 

Whatever her mother would have decided didn’t matter. Kazi sought the network’s aid, and now she owed them. So far, she had met Eluca’s five rebels, the cohort a tight-knit group. It was one of many belonging to the larger network slowly establishing a presence in the Outer Rim. 

Kazi rarely interacted within the cohort, receiving orders from Fehr or Bash, the network’s main contacts, and acted alone. But that morning, she received a comm from Fehr asking her to join an unexpected meeting. The message left her unsettled, and her arrival at the abandoned warehouse used for most meetings heightened her consternation. 

Some days, like that morning, she questioned if she was walking into a trap, wary of Imperial stormtroopers posed for her capture. Today, only the five other rebels were present. 

“My contact has informed me that three men want to establish a safehouse out of reach of the Empire,” Fehr said. A human woman at least twenty years Kazi’s senior and the owner of one of Hollow Town’s highest employed farms, Fehr preferred brusqueness to political coyness. It was something Kazi appreciated. “Their operations will be separate from ours.”

Carinthia, a data courier for Moff Harpy of Veridian Sector and a skilled identification and chip saboteur, narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “How do you mean?” 

“These men will be running rescue-and-relocate missions.” Fehr glanced across the five other members. “They’re former employees of the Empire.”  

Kazi pursed her lips, noting the discomfort of those around her. Bash, Head Treasurer of Eluca’s national bank and a well-respected member of the Elucan government, furrowed his brows. Lore and Sparks, married pilots, shared a skeptical look.

“Former employees of the Empire can’t be trusted,” Carinthia argued, her skin eerily pale in the warehouse’s shadows.

“We trust you,” Lore said casually.

Carinthia sneered. “I never worked for the Empire—”

“But your family—”

“Is of no importance.” Carinthia swiped her hand through the air. “How do we know we can trust these men?”

“The more important question is,” Kazi interrupted, irritated by Fehr’s lack of transparency, “who are these men? You say they’re former employees, but where did they work?”

“Former intelligence workers would be nice to have,” Sparks said. Lore nodded her agreement.

Fehr took a deep breath, black eyes settling on Kazi. “These men are former soldiers.”

Kazi tensed, an unwelcome burst of panic clogging the back of her throat. Fehr wouldn’t risk the dangers of— 

“They’re clones.”

In the silence that followed Fehr’s declaration, Kazi forced herself not to react. She bit her tongue until it hurt, controlling her features and ordering her panic to calm the fuck down. She could not appear incompetent nor afraid. 

But the panic in her chest was as sharp as an electric shock. Simultaneously heart-stopping and heart-quickening. 

“Clones are loyal to the Empire,” Bash said diplomatically. 

A silky voice imbued with a calm that complimented Fehr’s usual bluntness, Bash was a difficult person to read. With bronze skin and cunning silver eyes, he and Fehr were the sole rebels indigenous to Eluca. His position within the planetary government, as well as his contacts within the rebel network, made him the most important and powerful member of the cohort. 

To learn that Bash wasn’t aware of the clones’ arrival intrigued Kazi. Similar to the Empire’s backstabbing politicking, it seemed the rebel network didn’t share all their information with each of its contacts. Kazi tucked away the information. 

“We can’t trust them,” Bash continued.

“Be reasonable, Fehr,” Carinthia said, her smile wan. “Clone allegiance is to whichever government is in control.”

Fehr straightened, and though her tone was collected, it was lined with an edge that could cut. “These men have denounced their allegiances—”

“And their allegiances could switch again.” Sparks shook his head. Even the adventurous pilot was hesitant. “If you need an example: look at the Republic.”

Agreement swept through the small group. But Fehr was staunch in her decision. 

“The clones are operating a rescue-and-relocate mission. Our paths will rarely cross, and they won’t be working planetside.” Fehr stared them down, her glare unapologetic. 

Shortly after, the meeting dissolved. Kazi made to leave but Fehr motioned for her and Carinthia to stay, the latter throwing a perplexed look at Kazi. The moment Bash left, his eyes narrowed in skepticism, Fehr faced the two women.  

“There’s more about the clones that I didn’t share with the cohort,” Fehr said. “The clones will be staying planetside.”

To her annoyance, Kazi noticed Carinthia studying her. They were similar in age, and yet their backgrounds were vastly different. Carinthia hailed from a wealthy family that lived in the Inner Rim, and her shrewd personality bordered conniving. 

“They need somewhere spacious to make their base. Somewhere far enough away from the city where they can easily hide.” Fehr squared her shoulders and stared Kazi in the eye. “I offered the men the basement.”

Kazi blinked, uncertain if she had heard correctly. 

“The basement…” Her voice hitched and she cleared her throat. “You want the clones to stay in the basement. At the house where I’m living.”

Fehr nodded.

Her hands started to tremble and Kazi clenched her jaw. Clenched it so hard she thought it might break. 

“The clones are the reason I’m on this damned planet, Fehr.” The strain in her voice was palpable but she didn’t care. Fehr was the sole rebel she considered somewhat benevolent, and this new information was a betrayal she wasn’t prepared for. “Have you forgotten that?”

“I haven’t,” Fehr said calmly. Too calmly. “But these men deserted. They don’t serve the Empire and they need a place to stay. I considered one of the apartments in town but people will be curious and could start talking. The house is an ideal location.”

The house, not your house. 

Because the house didn’t belong to Kazi. It belonged to Fehr who had gifted it to her when she first arrived on Eluca, homeless and penniless. 

The memory still rankled her. Her pride cringed at her forced reliance on another person. Her chagrin was further heightened by her financial helplessness. Years of frugality, investments, and savings were made obsolete by the rise of the Empire. 

“It’s not that awful, Kazi,” Carinthia said. “The house is large. Large enough for you three to survive cohabitation with a few clones.”

Before Kazi could respond, Fehr raised her hand. “I know your history with the clones isn’t ideal. And if you’re uncomfortable—” Carinthia released a derisive scoff that had Kazi tensing. Fehr shot the younger woman a hard look. “If it’s too much, I can look at other locations. But the basement—”

“Is ideal,” Carinthia cut in. “It’s large enough, and it connects to the communications tower. I assume that’s a necessity for them.” Carinthia twirled a crimson curl around a finger, her expression contemplative. “Eluca’s proximity to a well-plotted hyperlane, and the surgent of Imperial military bases across Veridian Sector and the Outer Rim, at large, make this planet the most effective base.”

Fehr nodded, her attention returning to a still-silent Kazi. “It’s your choice.”

Except it wasn’t. Not really. The house wasn’t even in her name—an attempt to protect her sister and Neyti. To prevent Imperial officials looking into their sudden immigration and ambiguous history. 

It was an older yet well-maintained home settled in a forgotten neighborhood five kilometers from Hollow’s Town. The neighborhood stood empty except for two other houses located a kilometer away. 

Built a century prior in the midst of a planetary civil war, the basement served as a bomb shelter. One of four designated for the neighborhood. Fortified by duracrete and buried deep in Eluca’s soil, the basement housed five bedrooms with ten bunks each, three refreshers equipped with full amenities, and a war room dedicated to military strategy. The war room was still wired to the communication tower in the capital. The only communication tower available for public use in Veridian Sector with consistent and reliable access to the Mid and Inner Rims. 

Kazi had visited the basement once. The darkness, and the knowledge that hundreds of tons of dirt could easily bury her, convinced her never to return. It was the ideal location for rescue-and-relocate missions. Which irked her.

“It’s fine.” She clasped her hands behind her back. She was indebted to Fehr, anyway. “We can make it work.”

Three more knocks, rapid and quieter, followed the first two. The completion of the signal. Kazi followed Daria through the kitchen and toward the front door, her body tensed to a point of pain. Anxiety itched her skin, like thousands of ants crawling along her spine and burrowing in her hair. 

She opened the door and then retreated a safe distance. Fehr stepped into the small entryway. Behind her, three males followed. Dark gray ponchos hid their upper bodies and hoods cast their faces in shadows. 

Kazi schooled her features into insouciance. One of the few benefits of etiquette lessons: she could control her expression. For the most part. 

Rain frizzed Fehr’s ebony hair and the older woman patted her braids, nodding at Kazi. She scanned the kitchen behind the two sisters. “Is Neyti—”

“Asleep.” Her tone was curt and she ignored Daria’s disapproving scowl. 

The older woman chuckled. “School must have been exhausting if she can sleep in this weather.”

“The thunder was louder back—” Well, it didn’t matter. 

Silence ensued, eclipsed by the echoing thunder and the rain from the clones’ ponchos dripping onto the hardwood floor. Ever the dutiful host, Daria stepped forward, her smile practiced kindness and warmth. 

The ease in her sister’s friendliness was a point of jealousy for Kazi. Growing up, she yearned to exude the same gentleness Daria effortlessly managed. She never perfected it. 

“Welcome,” Daria said. She gestured to Kazi. “We made up three of the beds downstairs and stocked the fridge with extra food.”

It was a lie. Kazi didn’t shop for the food—only Daria—and she didn’t make the beds. She lugged the sheets and pillow cases from the upstairs closet to the basement but she refused to make a bed for a grown adult. 

The clone to the left stepped forward and removed his hood. Beneath the dimmed lights in the entryway his skin was dark brown and his eyes even darker. A white scar threaded itself from his temple to his cheek. Black hair was trimmed precisely, long enough to run a hand through. He looked to be a year or two older than Kazi. Possibly twenty-eight.

“That was generous of you,” the clone said. He gestured to the two other clones. “We’re grateful for this.”

A blush darkened Daria’s cheeks and Kazi almost rolled her eyes. Her sister extended her hand and the clone accepted it. “I’m Daria, and this is my sister, Kazi.”

Kazi didn’t step forward; she didn’t offer her hand. She merely nodded. The clone assessed her for a moment, his eyes flitting from her face to Daria’s, probably noting their differences. 

Trained for society, Daria carried herself with an easy elegance. Her hair was honeyed and loosely curled. The green of her eyes was darker than the jungle after a rain shower. Hours gardening over the years had softened the curves of her body.

Unlike her sister, years of swimming left Kazi with an athletic and toned build. A body type undesired by high society Ceaian males, as she was told, repeatedly, by her instructors. 

And even though she attended the same finishing classes as Daria, she never mastered her sister’s posh demeanor. She was well-mannered and polite, but she spoke with a bluntness considered too judgmental, further heightened by the darkness of her eyes with their slashes of hazel. 

“Like a bird of prey,” her instructor for Poise and Deportment once complained to her mother.

Her mother considered her with a critical eye, and Kazi steeled herself. “I would counter: sunlight in a meadow.”  

It was one of the rare times her mother complimented her, and it had stuck with her the last seven years. To this day, her eyes remained her favorite feature.

A throat cleared and Fehr glanced at her chrono. “Kazi, Daria, let me introduce you to former commanders Cody, Wolffe, and Fox.” 

Kazi’s heart faltered. 

Commanders. The clones weren’t just soldiers. They were fucking commanders.

She shot Fehr a baleful glare. The older woman’s gaze was already on her face, and imperceptibly, she dipped her chin, acknowledgement and confirmation of Kazi’s unspoken accusation. 

The woman had known all along the clones were former commanders. She had known and had refused to mention it. 

If the situation hadn’t affected her life, Kazi would have admired Fehr’s sly play. Instead, she ignored the woman, fisting her hands tightly behind her back to hide their trembling.

The two other clones removed their ponchos. Kazi tried not to stare but the rumors were true. They were identical. Except for a few distinctive traits.

The one on the right—Commander Fox—bore a scar on his chin; his hair was similarly styled to Commander Cody’s. At her perusal, the clone arched a brow. His eyes swept across her face, in both assessment and curiosity. 

She moved her gaze to the last one. Commander Wolffe.  

He was observing her with a neutrally-controlled countenance. Narrowed eyes. Rigid shoulders. Calculated expression. 

Kazi recognized the look in his face—the subtle wariness and hardened reticence. It was the same shrewdness she practiced. One she relied on to determine genuine from disingenuous; trustworthy from unreliable. 

Emphasizing the guarded calculation in his gaze was a stark white scar. Like a bolt of lightning, it seared the skin above his right eye and slashed down to his cheek. Whatever had torn his skin must have ruined his eye, for a silver cybernetic sat in his socket.

“I have business to attend to,” Fehr said, drawing Kazi’s attention away from her analysis. The lack of explanation and the urgency in Fehr’s tone warned Kazi the ‘business’ was network-related.

Once the darkness of night swallowed Fehr’s form, Daria showed the clones to the basement. Surreptitiously hidden behind a white bookcase bereft of personable touches other than a dragon figurine and a few succulents Daria had purchased the last few weeks, the staircase to the basement was dimly lit by a buttery-yellow light. The stairs descended into a blackness thicker than the ocean’s surface on a moonless night.

Few words were exchanged. Kazi didn’t bother with false pleasantries, she left it to Daria, and soon the basement door swung back in place. The bookcase rested snugly against the white wall. Even the most observant soldier would overlook the entrance’s location.

“They seem…nice,” Daria said, shifting the pot of a vibrant blue succulent. “You could have been more inviting.”

“Why?” Kazi gave her sister a condescending smile. “Are you wanting to match me with one of them?” 

“Kazi.” Daria released an exasperated sigh. “I’m trying to help you prepare—”

“I don’t need your help. And I certainly don’t want it.” 

“Fine.” Dabbing at her forehead, Daria sniffed. “I’m sorry for caring.”

Kazi snorted. “Caring? Is that what you call this nagging?”

“I do care.” Daria started to tremble. “I have always cared and—” She cut off, pressing a palm to her temple, her face screwed in pain.

Kazi reached for Daria’s shoulder, her stomach dipping with concern. But her sister backed away. The dismissal silent yet resoundingly loud. Louder than the thunder rattling the old windowpanes. Her hand fell to her side; she tried to ignore the guilt bittering her mouth. 

Lifting her chin, Daria smoothed the fabric of her pale purple dress. She looked Kazi over once, disappointment thinning her lips, and then made her way toward the staircase opposite the bookcase. The old stairs creaked beneath her labored pace.

The moment her sister’s door clicked shut, Kazi collapsed on the bottom step, rubbing her temples. 

She didn’t want the clones here. Hell, she didn’t want to be here. On this planet. In this fucking house.

It was too much. 

Daria’s disease.

Neyti’s adoption.

Spying for the network.

Three clone commanders.

A disappointment. Incompetent. Indebted. Possibly endangered.

She looked out the kitchen windows toward a clearing sky. Eluca’s three moons peeked through the clouds like a child peering through a curtain. The urge to run—to ignore all of her problems, to avoid the responsibility—hit her. 

But she couldn’t run. Not this time. 

Masterlist | Chapter 2

A/N: Pronunciations:

Kazi Ennari: kah-zee ; uh-nar-ee Daria: dar-ee-uh  Neyti: nay-tea Fehr: fare Eluca: eh-look-ah (emphasis on first syllable)  Ceaia: say-ee-uh (emphasis on second syllable)

[ciaran]

tagged by @erstwhilesparrow! thank you <3

last song: dome by firewoodisland, which is a song I've never paid attention to before but it's very pleasing.

three ships: I'm limiting myself to (1) oc ship bc otherwise i would only list oc ships—Jude/Eran, from the #winterknights tag (knight/lord but twisted and broken, my beloved); Scara/Childe from Genshin; Wilson/House from House, who i keep thinking about once in a while with the kind of yearning one generally reserves for sailors

currently reading: the last flight of marius chastain by iris foxglove (part of my field trip kinky romance binge) & the algebraist by iain banks (which made me feel like shit about myself but that's fine, I'm still going to get back to it soon.

most recent movie: bodies bodies bodies. idk what to say about this one, it was a movie

currently craving: weed. i got tipsy, which makes me happy and sociable, but it's not as good as weed for like, inner satisfaction. i wish i could smoke but i can't rn :(

tagging (no pressure!) @checkers-dance, @yaoist, and @fictionkun !

[senditcolton]

Upcoming OC Fics

Holding myself accountable by separating my OC's into fics I've published and fics I haven't. I promise some of these will be on the other OC masterlist soon.

Allison Steele Everyone knew the name Allison Steele. She was one of the top actresses in Hollywood, walking red carpets and appearing on magazine covers. No one knew Allison. Not really. When the holidays allow her to retreat from the glitz and glam of LA to her old home in Michigan, she encounters an old flame in Quinn Hughes… maybe the one person who will always know her.

Andrea "Andi" Archer Mat, Anthony, and Andi have been best friends ever since they met during the New York Islanders 'Pucks and Paws' calendar photo shoot. They were inseparable and they would stay that way. Or at least, that’s what they believed. Until the universe interferes. Can their unbridled, carefree, teenage love outlast the harsh realities of their lives? Or will they finally have to grow up?

Eira Selkies have faced many traumas at the hands of sailors, none more so than Eira, whose trauma transformed into rage. When ships got caught in storms and threw men into the dark water, was it the sea that dragged them down to meet their fates, or her? But when the pirate Jamie falls into the waves, Eira spares him. This act of mercy is the catalyst for a reckoning as dichotomous as the ocean itself.

Elizabeth Astor Elizabeth has it all: a successful acting career, a dream husband, and a beautiful home. She’s worked hard to to separate herself from the ghosts of her past. But it seems as if the past may have determined her future, in all its painful agony. But when Colton Parayko – an old flame who still holds a piece of her heart – returns to her life, Elizabeth must ask the question: is love enough to change our fates?

Gemma MacKinnon Being Nathan MacKinnon’s sister comes with its upsides. Something Gemma actively takes advantage of: the guest room she claims after her breakup, the parties, and the attractive men – like Ross Colton – that offer an escape. But when something temporary turns into something more, Gemma will have to face a downside of being Nathan MacKinnon’s sister: his overprotective wrath.

Hadyn D'Arcy What should’ve been an innocent comment made by her boyfriend Brady, sets off alarm bells in Hadyn’s head. Her fear fuels her choices and her decision in turn causes another, even more destructive spiral. Will Hadyn and Brady be able to recover, or will their mutual failings lead to the destruction of everything they thought they knew?

Jade Wilson When Jade steps into her favorite dive bar, she doesn’t expect to run into a local celebrity. However, this Sidney Crosby isn't a star. He is simply… tired. Of everything. Jade offers an escape from the scrutiny, the pressure, the fear, and soon Sidney finds himself falling for the girl who saved him just in time. But does he truly love her? Or does he just love the way she makes him feel?

Jocelyn Gauthier Jocelyn knows that she is lucky to have a best friend like Anthony Beauvillier. Who else would do such incredible things for her? Things such as: inviting her to join him at Mat Barzal’s wedding, making playlists for her… sharing a hotel bed… buying her wedding guest dress… staring at her with such tenderness that she feels like her heart might explode. That’s just what friends do – right?

Josephine Moreno Adrian Kempe has always prided himself on being steadfast, hardworking, and private. However, the personality traits that he curated were stunting him. Then by chance he meets Josephine; the bright joyful free-spirit that coaxes him to loosen up and enjoy the California sun. And he does… for a few months. Until the serious side of him calls for something more. A yearning that may not be mutual.

Katarina "Kit" Michael Kit is stuck, in every sense of the word. Stuck in a job she hates, in a city she doesn’t love, with no real friends of romance in sight. But when Brayden Point blows into her life and turns her world upside down, she is transported into a relationship as golden and bright as the afternoon sunlight. But they both must eventually face the harsh truth: summer can’t last forever.

Laurie Granger When Laurie invites a handsome stranger into her bed two days before the month-long lake house getaway her friends arranged, she didn’t think much of it. But when her hookup turns out to be her old friend Mat Barzal – a fact that she only realizes when he waltzes through the front door of said lake house – Laurie leans that the universe has a way of falling to place, albeit unexpectedly.

Margot Thomas After seven years with hockey superstar Nathan MacKinnon, Margot knows what the world expects. But when a fight about that looming expectation leads to an act of betrayal which cumulates in an unexpected breakup, Margot finds refuge in Seattle. Her relocation opens her to a new and unexpected connection – a connection that will send shockwaves through not only her life but also Nathan’s.

Naomi "Ivy" Doran Ivy prided herself on knowing what men wanted and she played each role well. It was her way of achieving at least a taste of the dream life that she had desired but quickly learned was unachievable. But then she meets Tyler, who is so much her mirror that it both intrigues and frightens her. Does her dream life exists with him or will they both be unable to let go of their outlaw ways?

Sabrina Brooks When country music artist Sabrina Brooks first met Tyler Seguin – one third of the band Lonestar Renegades – she knew their relationship was going to change her budding career. Two years later, when headlining Stagecoach Music Festival along with her now ex-boyfriend’s hand, Sabrina realizes how right she was. And decides to thank him; because there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been him.

Taika Salo Magic was dying from the world but Taika was determined to keep it in her life, much to the displeasure of her betrothed, Gerard. During one of her ritual walks in the forest, Taika meets Nico. He sees her passion for the unknown and vows to teach her all he knows before she is forced to give it all up. Soon, their meetings turn from lessons into something more.

[letsnaththings]

Again, memeage

Memeage

Tagged by @cairistiona7  Thank you!

Rules: If you’re tagged, make a rec list of your own fics that you’re most proud of. The ones you personally want people to read because you know they’re good. The ones you get extra excited when you get comments on them because people are responding to what you know is your best work. As part of the list, say why you’re proud of them! Participant’s choice on how many that is and where you draw the line on pride, but the more the better. Bonus points for fics that you like to reread yourself or fics that have low engagement because they’re in a small fandom or an unpopular ship/trope. Then tag however many people you feel like to continue the game. (If you want a guide number, try for seven or however many fics you listed)

Secondary rule: If you get tagged and you’re not a fic writer, consider doing the same for art you’ve done or meta you’ve written that you’re proud of.

Tertiary rule: This is the time to be the opposite of humble! Hype your own stuff! Share why you’re proud of something. Do some self love! And please give the game a chance even if you haven’t written much or are just starting out etc etc.

Do or do not – there is no tag.

 All these are in the Tolkien fandom – the list got a bit longer than I had planned, even with vigorous weeding (and would therefore probably look partly different if I made it at another time). They’re all stories that I like to reread for one reason or another. Even if I felt a ‘must edit’ itch for some of the older ones as well *g* I’ve tried to say something more than the original summary for them, but didn’t succeed for all.

  Eriador

An excess of weather - Life in Eriador can often be harsh, even more so when the weather becomes as much an enemy as Orcs or wolves. A look at how the Fell Winter of 2911 affected the Dúnedain. 

A gapfiller story with mostly OC Rangers. What I like about this one is how the circumstances test the Rangers to their limits, and in some cases beyond.

 Troll country - Where were the Rangers when Thorin & co. encountered those trolls?

A gapfiller I didn’t know I needed until the plotbunny turned up

 Out of time - FA 83 - King Elessar visits the North and realises something that has been bothering him

There are precious few stories about the Fourth Age – another gapfiller I had to have.

Inheritance – Recipe fic:  A taste from history in two drabbles and a double drabble - originally written for the October 2014 challenge, Sweet or Savoury, at the Lotr-genfic LJ community; my element was 'spicy'.

My only recipe fic, and therefore also my best recipe fic *g*

 2nd Age

Et Eärello Andorenna utúlien - Númenor: thoughts upon arrival and departure.

There’s a lot more to explore for both Elros and Ar-Pharazôn I think, and maybe someday I will. Until then, this short sketch will have to do.

 Spindrift - Of the seven palantíri, it is said that the one kept in the tower of Elostirion is the chief, and that Elendil looked in it often to alleviate the yearning of exile. This vignette examines one such viewing in the year 3423 of the Second Age.

 Opening - Sometime early in the second millennium of the Second Age: a moonlit night in Eregion, and two craftsmen anxiously wait the unveiling of their latest work.

 Other

Edge of the world - After the Downfall it was believed by the remnants of the Dúnedain that the top of Meneltarma rose once more above the sea level. If so, sailors of later Ages may have found it on occasion.

 Recall - Thengel, captain of Gondor, deals with a small family crisis, considers the past and receives some news.

 Holiday - Snapshots of a summer spent in Dol Amroth. Gimli is ambivalent about it all.

This entire fic was written to justify the use of one specific word in a Tolkienian context. I’ll leave it up to the reader to spot the word.

 Collections

Back to Middle-earth month 2012 - A collection of the various drabbles and short stories I wrote for B2MEM 2012

A very miscellaneous bunch of stories, but one I’m pretty happy with. Definitely my best BMEM year.

 Tales of the North - banner

And in hope… –  Arwen finally understands one particular vision she saw in Galadriel's Mirror, and starts work on a special project.

Watching from afar – It is said in The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen that Arwen watched over Aragorn in thought. At times, this must have been a harrowing experience.

Envinyalë –  About a week after their wedding, Aragorn and Arwen spend an evening by themselves. Arwen has plans, but the evening does not turn out quite the way she had in mind.

A small collection of three stories in which I explored Arwen a bit, of course also against the background of my related stories on Aragorn and the Dúnedain.

 AUs

Some that live - It is 3013, and Orcs are raiding and destroying Dúnedain farms in Eriador. Aragorn sets out to stop the raids. Alternate timeline leading up to the War of the Ring.

This story… During the writing its working title was “the Heap O’Angst”, and I’ve also been known to refer to it as “the story that ate my life”. It took some work to get out of its headspace once it was done. Without giving away too much, it’s an exploration of honour, guilt, redemption, friendship, loyalty. It may also be the best story I’ve written so far.

 As may be obvious, I like writing AUs, both long ones and shorter stories, because they allow exploring different approaches to characters, events and themes They’re also a lot of fun to play with: “what breaks if I change this…?”

 Unto the ending of the world - Dark AU, diverging from the end of the Two Towers: Sauron regains his Ring in Ithilien, and a very bleak world emerges for those who survive the Ringwar to make their way in. 

This is the only still ongoing story in the list. I started it in 2007 and am still writing it. I do actually know how it ends, but I’m a slow writer to begin with, and it’s taking just a bit longer than I expected to get where I want to go – plus I spent some time away from it writing the Heap O’Angst. The basic idea was quite simple, Sauron gets the One Ring, so what happens now? Quite a lot, as it turns out, and not much of it good.

 Elenion Ancalima - Nerdanel wonders whether perhaps it would have been better if Fëanáro had not listened to his father.

 Still standing - Six vignettes from Halbarad's point of view - from the siege of Minas Tirith until the day after Aragorn's coronation

[bonktime]

Weather the Storm

Chapter One - Taken Aback

Ezra (Prospect) x f!reader (no y/n) 1861 Lighthouse au 

Written in the third person, so I guess you could say Ezra x OC? but she isn’t physically described or named at any point

Rated: E (just the whole story)

Prologue - Lay of the Land // Masterlist // Chapter Two: Hand Over Fist

Ezra travelled with the tides, let the sea carry him where it willed and never stayed long. The lighthouse keeper was the opposite. Where he moved she stood firm, defying the waves and the tide as if carved from the cliff herself. They’re drawn together, but opposing forces so strong are always destined to cause a storm.

Summary: In search of a place to stay Ezra meets the Lighthouse Keeper. Stuck together for the night by the tide she must quickly work out whether she can trust him enough to let him stay.

Warnings: Language, a lil violence, an even liler bit of sexual tension, some victorian sexism (smut will come)

Wordcount: 3700

Note: Thanks to @danniburgh​ who I throw ideas at left right and centre to figure stuff out! Turns out I can’t write short things? Either way I’m glad I decided to chapter this so I didn’t go totally bananas. Next one should be up in a week! Prepare for yearning. 

~~~~~~~~~

Spring was doing what spring always did by the sea. Vehemently refusing to start. Sometimes a crack in the clouds let a beat of sun through warming the lighthouse keeper's skin and for just a second teased what could be. But as ever, it shyly retreated back behind the grey.

Unable to rest until dawn broke and tinted the sky pink, she had slept through most of the day. When she finally shook off the exhaustion from work the night before, there had been just enough blue in the sky to make a sailor a pair of trousers, enough to entice her into moving. So, she had thrown on her chemise for some illusion of modesty, not that anyone could see her, and gone for a swim. 

Bracing was one word for it, fucking baltic was more appropriate. There was nothing quite like it. The way it made her heart pound, made her gasp as she swam, circling the small island, it made her feel alive. There was always a risk of a current pulling her out, a risk she knew all too well. But she knew the water, knew every dip and whirlpool well enough to recognise when they should be avoided. Keeping an eye on the sun she let the incoming tide tug her gently back to the shoreline. In only a few hours she'd have to ascend the steps and light the light.

From her position in the water, she spotted a figure, wading across the causeway, getting pulled to and fro by the tug of the tides, but determinedly heading for the island. She'd let the captain of The Mistress know her room was available a couple days ago and he hadn't sent trouble her way so far. Even so a jolt of unease struck at the thought of being trapped with the stranger until the sea went out. The little rowing boat wouldn't be much good with the storm that was now threatening to roll in. Cursing quietly to herself and suddenly very grateful she’d thrown on even a thin layer, she struck out towards him.

Clambering inelegantly back into the rocks she stood to watch him. He hadn't seen her yet, too focused on keeping his possessions dry, giving her the opportunity to take him in. From this distance she couldn't see his features but his broad shoulders and lean body were a good sign he had experience with trying work, and she could make out a bright shock of white in the crown of his hair. That was more curious, she wondered if he'd been born with it or if he'd suffered such a fright, it'd left a mark. That seemed like a rude thing to ask on a first meeting so she brushed the question aside and headed towards him, carefully stepping over the rock pools and avoiding slipping on the seaweed.

⧫⧫⧫

The first thing Ezra noticed about the woman heading towards him was the fact she appeared to only be wearing her undergarments. The next was that she was soaking wet from stem to stern. Had he been a better man, he might have looked away. Instead, he blatantly stared, the liquid made the cloth cling to her body, damn near rendering it transparent. As she got close, he watched a droplet make its way down her throat, following it with his eyes, he swallowed thickly.

Up close she could see his coat was clearly well made and had probably been expensive but it was old and in desperate need of being rewaxed. Perhaps it had been a gift? Hopefully it had not been stolen. The thin scar curving across his cheek would probably give fair warning to most, but his eyes were soft and wide. He just spelt trouble for her.

"Shut your gob, the wind'll change and you'll get stuck like that."

At that Ezra closed his mouth quickly and pulled himself together, finally focusing on her face. She was waiting for him to speak, clearly sizing him up "Could you possibly direct me towards the lighthouse keeper?"

She noted his strange accent but couldn't stop rolling her eyes, no one ever expected her. "That depends on who's asking"

"Captain Williams suggested I could find respite here whilst I work his ship."

She frowned at him, “What’s your name?”

“I’m Ezra, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I humbly apologise if I interrupted your swim.” again Ezra felt himself be judged, but apparently, she deemed him enough for now and nodded. 

"Come on then or we'll both catch cold" she turned to climb the steps to the cottages with him following behind.

The small kitchen was warm, heated by a small arger, she moved a kettle onto its plate and tossed in a log. With a deep sigh she turned to him, biting the inside of her cheek to stop grinning at his bemused expression. "I'm going to dress; you should get out of your wet clothes too. Don't let the kettle boil dry, I'll make a cuppa, then we can talk." With that she left him dripping in the rough wooden floor.

Ezra decided then that whatever she was, she certainly wasn't grey. But she wasn't colour either, she was something else entirely. Something he couldn't recognise. It stirred something in him, an urge to uncover what lay beneath, like cracking a rock and discovering a beautiful gem. Naturally, it stirred something in his trousers too, but, he reckoned, seeing any woman wet and nearly naked would do that. Ignoring it, he tugged off his boots and trews and pulled on his spares before going to lean on the oven to warm up, feet still bare.

Just as the kettle boiled and he was closing the hot plate she reappeared, rolling her sleeves of her dark blue woolen dress up to the elbow and hanging her soaked chemise over the arger before stretching up to pull a teapot and cups out of a cupboard next to a little window. 

"This is quite a place you have here, and what a view.” He looked out the window, reaching up to the wind chime made from sea glass, worn matte from the sand that hung there. He touched the smoothed edges of the glass, it felt rough on his fingers. “I'll wager it’s quite something to awaken and be able to see water on all sides without feeling the rocking of a ship beneath you." As far as Ezra could tell, it was as if he wasn't there. The woman moved around him locating loose tea and milk as if completing a ritual, never one to be discouraged from talking he continued, "Course once you get used to it, I imagine you barely notice it. But for me, having been on the waves themselves for the past weeks, it will be quite an adjustment." He looked at the two cups. "Is your husband not joining us?"

She didn't turn around, "He will not."

"Your father then? Although I am surprised a lovely thing like yourself is not betrothed. Promised perhaps?"

"No." He wasn't sure which question she had answered at first, it dawned slowly that it had in fact been both. He nearly smacked himself in the forehead.

"You wouldn't happen to be the keeper, would you?"

She turned to him then, eyebrows raised "I think perhaps you worked it out the fastest, I once strung a poor young man along for a week before he realised, I lit the light."

Ezra wasn't really one to be shocked by much, and after her appearance on the rocks this wasn't too much of a revelation, so now with her full attention he continued to talk.

"I'd wonder it doesn't get lonely though, on this rock all by oneself would be mighty isolating. Almost no one around for company except the sea and the rocks. Perhaps that's why you rent the room? That or your expenses are far higher than I'd expect" he forced himself to stop as she placed the tea and a biscuit tin on the little table and turned back to glare at him 

"Why are you here?" That made him blink, halting his thread of thoughts

"I'm here to rent a room. Did I not make that explicit? I do apologise"

She waved him off "No. I know why you're here. Why are you in this place? Work sure, but work can be found anywhere, especially on the water. Work less dangerous, with better weather. Were you bored and thought it romantic?" She was stepping towards him "Are you desperate?” A step. “Do you like taking risks?" Another step "Are you running from something?" She was right in front of him then, looking up at his face "So, I'll ask again. Why are you here?" For a split-second Ezra felt frozen in her gaze but then she reached around him as grabbed his soggy trousers, turning away to hang them alongside her chemise on the airer.

He blinked and shook himself. "I wanted to see it, to work it. The dead sea. Conquer it in my own way.To continue my own adventure somewhere new." She hummed in response picking up her cup and watching him. "And what of you? All alone on this rock. Seems you're a risk taker yourself. Most people would frown upon a woman welcoming a single man into her home, it implies things. Not to mention anything could happen to you,” He couldn't help himself, his voice lowered, unable to back down from the challenge she'd given him. The implication of his crimes. “Anything at all and no one around to save you."

In a split second she'd moved, pulling a blade, he hadn't even thought to look for, out from a sheath under her apron and had it pressed against his jugular.

"A bit of risk? You needn't worry for me." her steady hand pressed firmly enough the knife nicked into his flesh "But you? You know no one here. If you die no one will notice, no one will care. No one will even think to look for your body, let alone find it." He couldn’t hold back the grin as she stepped back, inspecting the drop of blood on the blade, cup of tea still in hand. "5 shillings a week for the room and food, first payment up front, the rest when you're paid." 

Well, this was surprising. Such a spark, truly tough enough to stand against an ocean. "Sounds perfect."

Finally, she cracked the smallest smile and Ezra felt as if the sun had found a fissure in the clouds. "I'll make food, I'm working tonight so it'll be breakfast for me and dinner for you, then you can settle in. When do you start on The Mistress?"

"Two days' time, should be quite an experience." He thought of the heavy clouds.

"Well make sure you don't wake me in the morning tomorrow or your stay will be very short." She wiped the drop of blood off the knife and stowed it away again. Ezra wondered what else was hidden under that apron and why he hadn’t even thought she might have the sense to be armed. He chastised himself.

"Do you man the light alone? It seems prudent you don’t have to remain awake every night."

"5 days to three, I take an extra shift, the other keeper has a house in the mainland so he spends all the time he can there. I expect it won't be long until you're sick of the sight of me."

"Oh, I doubt that, not when you're so full of surprises. Why do you rent the room, with an extra shift surely you don't need the money?”

"I don't get paid that shift," Ezra waited for her to elaborate but she didn’t. "I" she let out a laugh "Mostly I rent the room so I can buy books, something to do whilst I work. Plus, I like the company. Get to meet new people from all over for a few months and I still get to have the whole winter to myself. It's lonely as you said, sure, but I like being alone. I'm good at it."

There was a wildness in Ezra that she couldn't seem to pinpoint. Something about the reckless grin when she's threatened him, the fearlessness. It was what compelled her to let him stay. It drew her in like the pull of the moon. To welcome in such a force of nature, made her doubt her own judgment.

"I'll expect you to help plant and harvest the vegetables when the time comes." As she spoke, she moved around the kitchen throwing together the meal as quickly as she could before the sun began to dip.

Supper was simple, just a stottie with a couple eggs and vegetables. She'll have to go into town soon and see if she could get some meat cuts. But he didn't complain. Just talked continuously, complimented her cooking whilst watching her every move not unlike one might watch an animal in a zoo. It was a little unsettling and it made her feel very glad she was going to be awake all night, not letting herself be vulnerable to him at least for a few more hours.

"Will I need to be expecting guests? Women? Men? Either way I'd rather be warned beforehand." Her upfront way of talking made Ezra chuckle.

"I cannot be sure yet but I'll endeavour to let you know should I be taken by someone. And what of you? Must I prepare for being kept awake in the night by men, women or otherwise?"

She just shrugged, "I doubt it, I'm not the most popular around here at the best of times"

"That wouldn't have anything to do with your working and welcoming in strangers, would it? Are the people here so closed minded?" He smirked at the notion of the scandal that probably followed her.

"Not all of them, just those with power. I am at odds with the vicar because I sleep most Sundays and keep defying the lord's will for me"

"How cruel of you." His tone was laced in so much sarcasm it made her relax a little. At least she wouldn't have to face his judgement and sly glares for a summer.

Still, it was very strange for a woman to hold this job. “I am compelled to ask if you have ever been married?”

A look crossed her face, of pain, and of something else he didn't know. Just there for a flash and then swept away, like writing in the sand. She ignored the question. “Pay up and I'll show you your room, you can get settled and sleep off your journey. I'll imagine you're tired.”

He handed her the coins and followed her through the door and up the rickety staircase. There were two doors, one slightly ajar. The glimpse inside revealed just the end of a bed and a bookshelf but all too quickly, she opened the other door and ushered him in. Inside was cosy, or possibly just small. The bed was heavily laden with blankets which appeared to be handmade, it sat opposite a chest of drawers and a chair. 

She crouched to light the fire, “Hopefully you won't need it all season but you definitely will tonight. I don't know how hardy you are against the cold.”

“Not as hardy as you I'd expect. I had the blessing of spending most of the winter months far south, so far south ice couldn't possibly be conceived”

The flame sparked in front of her, flickering around the room. "The sun is setting; I'll leave you to it. If there's an emergency I'll be in the tower. Try to stay quiet tomorrow. I'd like to actually get some sleep."

He opened his mouth to respond but she was already out the door, with a huff he sat down on the bed and opened his satchel to begin unpacking. When he was done, he stripped down, folded his clothes and placed them on the chair and curled underneath the blankets. The orange glow of the fire lit the room as the crash of the waves lulled him to sleep far quicker than usual.

⧫⧫⧫

It turned out the storm's threats had been for naught. The sky didn't break and the rain didn't come. Instead, after winding up the rotation system she enjoyed the peace and quiet, sitting back with a book only needing to move every hour to fill the sock over the paraffin with air. She was reading an old favourite, ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Mr Bennett reminded her of her father, all quick wit and dry humour. It made her laugh even as her heart ached for the loss. He used to say she was too much like Elizabeth for her own good. Hot headed and stubborn and determined, perhaps if he saw her now, he'd disagree. Be made sad by how the world had wearied her, wonder when her ability to find easy joy had gotten misplaced. But it had been dragged out to sea along with him, never to be found.

The night passed quietly and slowly. But every quiet night was a relief, to be bored, by this sea, was a blessing.

⧫⧫⧫

He awoke early, before the sun had even considered peeking over the horizon and stretched. Looking out of the window he saw the ocean was black, just the flash of the lighthouse illuminating it every few seconds. Tugging on his shirt he placed another log on the fire and picked up his leather-bound journal, an intimate document of his travels, reading the last page. Written on the boat in the cold it didn't give the most flattering depiction of the view of the village from the water. He chuckled to himself, light beginning to peek through the thin curtain as he continued to write his tale, it had its highlights. The appearance of the lighthouse keeper was one, approaching nearly naked and wet from the waves made quite the first impression. He wondered vaguely if even his ridiculous vocabulary could do it justice. The spark, the last stand against the sea, that damn near see-through chemise- he sighed to himself, that was going to haunt him.

The front door slammed shut and he heard a short curse, cut off by the sound of the keeper running up the stairs. Incurably curious, he put the journal aside and headed onto the small landing, dressed only in his long cream shirt. She had already disappeared into her room but as he stepped out, he stood directly onto a wet patch on the floor. Looking down he spotted the wet footprints. Clearly, she had striven to swim before he awoke for some discretion.

Unfortunately for her, Ezra's self-control had always run a little thin and there was no stopping him knocking on her door. It cracked open a little, her head poking out, body held to the side hidden behind the door. He grinned as her eyes widened for a second at his state of undress.

"What do you want? I'll make food in a minute"

Her statement was so concise he almost laughed. As if he had any real excuse to bother her. "It appears I have the day to myself, and with your need to rest I find myself in dire need of stimulation," an eyebrow rose at that, "Perchance could I borrow a novel? You implied ownership of quite the collection."

She pursed her lips at him and shut the door. He blinked, not expecting her just to brush him off and stood dumbstruck for a second. It was not often he was so rudely ignored. And then, even more to his surprise the door cracked open and a hand appeared. A hand clasping a book. He continued to blink at it.

"Do you want it or not? You're letting in a terrible draft." So, he took it and the door shut again. Totally baffled, he returned to his room looking at the cover. ‘Pride and Prejudice’, an old favourite.

A short while later a shout alerted Ezra to food and he chatted happily to the keeper who again appeared to be ignoring him as she hunted for bowels and pulled a dish out from the arger where it had been heating.

"I haven't had the pleasure of Jane Austen's writing for quite some time. Not since my book was cruelly stolen from me, along with several other possessions and my bag, just as I arrived in the beautiful port of Genova in northern Italy. Quite a place." He let himself trail off, expecting her to shut down his monologue or continue to ignore him.

Instead, she handed him his food, some fish pie, and sat down. "What's Genova like? I haven't been."

His face cracked into an easy grin as she watched, clearly thrilled to have her participation in the conversation even a little and he continued to talk until she yawned heavily and sloped away to sleep.

⧫⧫⧫

His day was quiet. He read, walked round the island, was delighted to see seals flopping around on the rocks, and wrote. Despite his best efforts, the lighthouse keeper seemed insistent on making herself a central character, even if she'd only been around for a few pages. Something about the woman watching the sea had captured his imagination. He wondered how she came to man the light, why she was alone, why she took him in. She had seemed far too clever to let him stay. Of all people, she should have had the sense to turn him away. Naturally, he was glad she hadn't but even so it was strange. He thought on all the trouble he'd found himself in, often of his own creation. She could very possibly become the worst of it.

⧫⧫⧫

Upstairs she tossed and turned. No idea why she'd let him stay. Maybe the loneliness had finally taken her sense. That evening, they ate together again. He talked seemingly endlessly but smoothly evaded her pointed questions about where he got his accent and why he really wanted to work the North Sea. It was amicable, but also impersonal, both still trying to gage the other well, before they could become totally comfortable. As she left to work, she told him to stay safe on the sea.

When day broke and she descended the stairs, he was gone. She hoped he'd survive.

~~~~~~

Glossary

Taken Aback: A boat facing the wind directly so no sails can catch the wind, basically just a bad pun

Enough blue in the sky to make a sailor a pair of trousers: A teeny tiny amount of blue

Baltic: Geordie phrase meaning freezing cold, I dunno where it comes from, baltic sea maybe?

From stem to stern: from top to bottom of a ship

Arger: Cast iron oven, in this age it would have had a fire in the bottom with two ovens, a hot one above and a cooler to the side along with a stove/hot plate on top. 

Stottie: Geordie bread bun

~~~~~

Ezra Taglist

@fandom-blackhole​

[xbreezymeadowsx]

Chibs... an excerpt

A/N: This is an excerpt from a story I’ve been writing. I changed the OC’s name to Y/N just for this bit. Honestly, I’m my own worst critic and pretty much never post my work because I think it could be better and I tend to move onto other stories when I hit a writer’s block and all of my stuff goes untouched for months, sometimes years. But I’ve discovered some amazing writers over the last year or two on various sites but mostly here so I figured it was time I tried to give back to those that have brought me so much joy through their works. So, here’s a filthy little excerpt of some adult fun times from one of my current stories I’ve been bumbling around with.

**************************************************************************************************

Y/N stumbled through the front door with Chibs wrapped around her. They tripped over each other's feet, hands frantically exploring bodies, and their tongues, teeth, and lips clashing roughly. They giggled and snickered at their own antics, feeling like a couple lovesick teens in their tipsy state. They blindly moved into the living room, kicking boots off as they went until Y/N let out a yelp as the pair fell over the arm of the couch. Chibs landed with a huff on the cushions on his back with Y/N on top of him, gripping his kutte to prevent herself from falling to the floor. They burst into a fit of laughter.

"Whoops." Chibs giggled, watching Y/N cackle at the face he made. Whimpering from across the room gained their attention. Roscoe laid on his dog bed watching them. Chibs turned his head to see the mutt and Y/N snatched his face in her hands, pulling him back to her.

"No! Don't look at him!" She cried too late. She groaned when they heard the jingling of the dog's tags as he pranced to the couch and began nuzzling Chibs in the side of his head.

"Aah! Christ!" He shout as the cold, wet nose of the beast snuffled in his ear. Y/N pushed Roscoe's fat head away as Chibs rubbed his ear frantically.

"Lemme take them out and then we can resume this." She gave his beard a playful tug before sliding off of him.

"No, no." Chibs grunt as he followed her to standing. "I got 'em." He slipped his kutte off and handed it to her with a wink. "You go ge' comfortable." Y/N watched Reba and Roscoe eagerly follow Chibs to the back door. She went to hang his kutte on the hooks by the front door when an idea struck her.

When Chibs came back inside and sent the dogs off to their beds, he made sure doors were locked before heading to Y/N’s bedroom where he was sure she’d gone off to. There was a warm glow in the room from the table lamps on either side of the bed which had first drawn his attention when he walked in.

"Hey, handsome." Chibs spun on his heel, his back to the bed and his breath caught. "This comfortable enough?" Y/N teased, biting her bottom lip and looking up at him through her lashes.

"Uh, y-yeah. Tha' looks migh'y com-comfy, Y/N girl." He stuttered as he took in the sight. Y/N wore nothing but small black lacy boy shorts and his kutte. The leather hung almost to her knees. She held the sides of the front open just enough to see her bare torso with a tease of sideboob, most of her breasts hidden behind the kutte. She sashayed across the room to him and ran her hands up his chest before pressing herself against him.

"It's not taboo, is it? Wearing your kutte? I know how important a kutte is to an MC." She asked, suddenly nervous she'd done something bad. Chibs cupped her face in his hands and smiled softly, regaining his composure.

"No, luv. This is... this is perfectly fine. This is good." He rubbed his hands down her bare arms, watching the goosebumps breakout in his wake and took her hands, guiding her towards the bed. "Ya look so sexy in leather." He growled lowly.

"And you," Y/N reached for his shirt and ripped it open, buttons flying and ricocheting off the walls. "look overdressed." She purred, lightly scratching his chest.

"Ya shoul' bloody well fix tha'." He urged before pressing his lips to hers. Chibs yanked his arms free and flung his shirt somewhere while Y/N's hands tugged his belt undone. He broke the kiss to watch her working his jeans open and push them down his legs before he kicked them aside and pushed his kutte off her shoulders. Y/N took his kutte and carefully hung it on the back of her desk chair. When she turned back, Chibs was balling his socks up and adding them to the mess on the floor leaving them both in their underwear. Y/N's eyes zoned in on the prominent outline of his hard and ready cock straining against his black boxer briefs and had to check herself for drool. Chibs chuckled deeply and palmed his member.

"Do ya see wha' ya do ta me, leannan? How hard ya make me?" He husked. He reached out and took her wrist, placing her hand where his had been. Y/N gave him a firm squeeze making Chibs groan softly. He cupped her core in response, pressing the heel of his palm into her clit over her underwear. "Alrea'y so wet fer me. Yer panties are soaked."

"Uh-huh." Was all she could muster up as she stepped closer to him.

"So beau'iful." Chibs whispered as he softly dragged his hands up her torso and cupped her supple breasts, kneading them. He guide Y/N to the bed, urging her to lay down. She did as he wanted and watched as he studied her body, taking in every inch of her. He grinned devilishly as he hooked his fingers into her panties and slowly pulled them down her legs, tossing them aside before crawling onto the bed. He eased her legs apart, laying on his stomach and noisily kissing her inner thighs.

"Filip, please." Y/N muttered, one hand clutching the comforter as the other knotted in his hair.

"Tell me wha' ya wan'." He spoke against her skin, nipping and sucking her flesh everywhere around where he knew she wanted him most. She tugged his hair, trying to move his head where she wanted. "Uh-uh. I wanna hear ya say it." Chibs scratched his beard lightly on her skin just above her most sensitive nub. Y/N let out a high pitched whine.

"Don't tease me!" She huffed. "I want your tongue, your lips, your teeth! Please!" Chibs hummed and leaned towards her yearning pussy. Then he swiftly moved away, making his way up the bed beside her. Y/N whined and jumbled words around in protest until she took in his wicked grin and lust blown eyes.

"Up." A single word command was all it took for Y/N to do as told after seeing the look on his face. Chibs laid back resting his head on a pillow and motioned for Y/N. She shivered when she realized what he wanted and as casually as she could in her excitement, shuffled up to beside his shoulder and carefully moved to straddle his chest. "Good girl." He brought his hands up and caressed her backside, pushing her forward. Y/N moved until her body hovered over his mouth. Chibs inhaled deeply through his nose and sighed. "I bet ya taste as good as ya smell, my love." He tilt his chin up and licked a slow trail between her folds. Y/N quivered and gripped the top of her headboard for support. "Mm, jus' like Ambrosia." Chibs moaned softly.

"Food of the Gods, huh?" She gasped as he leaned up again and lapped at her dripping hole.

"Oh, yes. My Goddess." His deep voice rumbled. The vibrations of the bass in his voice sent thrills up Y/N’s spine and she let her head fall back, moaning towards the ceiling.

“Fuck, Filip. Just like that.” She plead.

“Eyes on me, baby.” He demanded, pulling away. Y/N protest his stopping and looked down at him, her hair falling forward like curtains to hide her face from the rest of the world. She bit her lip at the sight of his facial hair glistening with her excitement. Chibs sucked her swollen clit harshly and nipped it with his teeth as he watched her fight to keep her eyes open and trained on him. He slid one hand down from gripping her ass and swiftly insert a slender finger into her wet heat.

Y/N felt her orgasm building rapidly. When Chibs add a second finger, he crooked them in a ‘come hither’ motion and thrust them roughly. He was hitting just the right spot prompting Y/N to let loose a string of profanities a sailor would blush at. Chibs fingered her through her climax only stopping when he felt her full weight- not that she weighed much without bricks in her pockets- settle on his chin and neck. He helped scoot her down to straddle his chest and admired his handiwork. Y/N was blissed out and attempting to regulate her breathing and heart rate. She glanced down at him and weakly punched his shoulder seeing the cocky grin plastered on her old man’s face. Chibs swat her butt and motioned for her to move. Y/N acquiesce and dropped to the bed beside him with a grunt.

“Still wit’ me?” Chibs inquired with a knowing smirk.

“Shut the fuck up.” Y/N scoffed. Chibs put his hand over his heart and gasped.

“Ya wound me, leannan.” He exclaimed dramatically before moving to get off the bed. “I guess ya don’ wan’ anymore then.” He sighed. Y/N reached out and snatched his wrist before he could stand.

“Now, I didn’t say that.” She remarked before yanking him back to her and giggling mischievously as Chibs cover her body with his own and attacked her neck, ready for the fun to continue well into the early morning hours.

[sodrippy]

thank you @ecthelions for knowing me so well to tag me in this fdhcnhdcxn

your name and then what you would have named yourself: well i have a name and i chose val instead so fhdsjcxn

astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if you know them): scorp/sag/cap babey idk what that means except im sexy bc im a scorp

when did you join tumblr and why?: oh man uh when was year 9...2010? my mate who i probably had a crush on got one i think

top 5 fandoms: no<3

top 5 favorite films: i cant pick favourites bc i have adhd but some filmes i love are like. train to busan bc its the last movie i watched, into the spiderverse, the godfather pt i (shut UP i already know), spy kids 2 (unironic) and. the green knight when it comes out.

go to song when you wanna Feel something: what am i tryna Feel though. stream lay’s discography. 

what’s your religion or faith if you have one?: bro i am jus. just sitting here.

a song that makes you feel seen: i never know what this question means but seriously stream lay’s discog

if you could have any career: i was supposed to have this anyway but genuinely i love film i wanna work on sets bc its just the right kind of brainrot for me<3 or sailor

do you have a type?: probably aye

what does your heart/soul yearn for: my wife, the ocean. also new tattoos

if you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you: sexy, stupid, funny as fuck<3

favorite subjects in school: history and (cringe) legal studies

where does your soul feel most at home: in the sun or on the highway

top 5 fictional characters: jiang cheng, entire concept of the nie sect, i literally cant make my brain switch settings out of mdzs but i want to diversify so the other 3 are from the VOU (my and ellians ocs), lem, kai- WAIT SOKKA and sokka, king

top 3 moments in a show that made you ugly cry: sorry im edgy i dont cry but there were some moments in the untamed for sure. i cant remember which ones anymore but there were some. also in train to busan (not a show, i know) when the baseball teen died and the beefy guy sacrificed himself

the earth, the sun, the moon or the stars: sun babey

favorite kind of weather: BLUE skies, big sunny, 27C, gentle breeze

top 3 characters you kin with: jiang cheng...zuko when i was 10. i dont know. who else exists anymore. 

favorite medium of art: oil paintings and every piece of digital art of my fave characters 

introvert/extrovert/ambivert: idk i love my friends and being alone

a favorite literary quote: like from a book...bro i havent read anything in a year. this definitely doesnt count but i read it in spqr even though thats not where its from but whatever, the tacitus quote thats like ‘they make desolation and call it peace’

some of your favorite books: yall read the messenger by markus zusak? i thought it was good. i really do not read books fjdnxm

if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?: new york but in a stupid bougie high rise apartment, i dont care what you think about that its sexy. or just a fuckoff nice house right on the beach somewhere in the mediterreanean 

if you could live in any time in history when would it be?: ok first off id need to be a cis dude AND be mindwiped about the existence of sanitation but after that any pre british imperialism time for the culture. wait no i want to live like those sicilians in the godfather, just sitting on a chair outside a building in the sun all day until al pacino is like ‘hey man whats up’ and i die or something. fun 

if you could play any instrument masterfully it would be: drums babey!! oh to be coordinated 😔

if you have one, what mythological god or goddess do you feel a connection to: yeah nah

and lastly, favorite recent selfie in your camera roll:

these arent super recent but i miss my burple hair 🥺💜

im gonna tag uhhh @weiwuxianisms @lesbianjiangcheng @wuxianphobic @adamsveins and anyone else who wants to do thisss

[atimefordragons]

IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I SHALL PUNISH YOU! || EHS

☾♔; May 19, 2020 ☾♔; 2:19am ☾♔; sotd: Man of the World (Takanashi Yasuharu) ☾♔; cotd: Kuruma ☾♔; Elite Highschool ☾♔; Audition

𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: Sailor Moon, the Champion of Justice!

𝐀 𝐋𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞 (𝐌𝐚𝐲 𝟐𝟑, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟎): Finally done, I'm soz for taking so long! I've just been Narutoing. He's my boy, dattebayo!  

☆──════ ⋆ ☽ ⋆ ☾ ⋆ ════──☆

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒

➤TITLE: S̶p̶o̶r̶t̶y̶ ̶S̶p̶i̶c̶e̶  The Sports Star ➤OC NAME: Katarina Văduva ➤AGE: 16   ➤BIRTHPLACE: Brăila, Romania ➤BIRTHDAY: December 31 ➤FACE CLAIM: Bruna Marquezine ➤USERNAME: @.dracarysbitch

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

➤LIKES: football (soccer, not the american one), eurovision (obvs), tennis, volleyball, basketball, ice hockey, figure skating, anime, manga (loves shoujo, but would rather die than admit it), a song of ice and fire (of course), russian literature (tolstoy is a fav ofc), winter, blizards, snowstorms, fresh snow, sweet foods, video games (dragon age, assassin's creed, the witcher, until dawn, pokemon), sailor moon, pink, blue, stitch, disney (sleeping beauty is her fave, even though she doesn't really match her personality, it's more that her parents gave her away for her safety, and Kat used to imagine it was the same for herself when she was a kid), space, faberge eggs, sanrio (her favourites are Kuromi and Pandausa)

➤DISLIKES: sasuke uchiha (fucking bitch), supercilious people, the lodge (lol, grow up you fucking losers), shows that go on forever and never end (please, please just end), shows that have shit endings, game of thrones (fucking dumbfucks), americans, right-wing politics (it's so stupid, just grow a heart), religion (what a scam), being alone (either physically or with her thoughts, let's bury that shit), losing, being wrong, having to concede any ground on any matter whatsoever, not knowing things

➤HOBBIES: anything that is physical (fucking jocks, amirite?), she's loves going for jogs (can't relate - secretly naruto runs during night time jogs 'cause no one can see her being lame), and playing streetball, etc. watching anime, reading manga, ranting on the interwebs about her shows and books (in general she avoids the bigger internet drama 'cause it's stupid, but sometimes you gotta put a bitch in their place, 'CAUSE DAENERYS IS THE PRINCE THAT WAS PROMISED, FUCK YOU!), watching reruns of pro-games (can't relate, so boring)  

➤STRENGTHS: determined, perseverant (is that even a word?), passionate, relentless, protective, observant, straightforward (usually ends up insulting people though, so it's more of a weakness tbh), goal-oriented, independent, self-reliant, has enough self-awareness to not go off on weeb/otaku interests in front of most people, but if it's like a "smart" anime, she'll discuss it (like Death Note, she's not gonna fucking admit to still loving Naruto at this age, shut up), diligent, loyal, a bad bitch (lol, not so much, but she likes being perceived as a strong girl who can and will stab you with her stiletto. the image only lasts for a few seconds, she more just comes off as rude).

➤WEAKNESSES: stubborn, very blunt, which tends to come off as brash and rude, though she's not always intending to be mean, despite that rude, blunt nature, she's also a bit tsundere, and struggles admitting her to deeper feelings. Gets flustered when complimented (outside of sports, there she's fine 'cause I'm the best bitches, or so she says), and she just can't admit it when she needs someone, whether it be a friend or romantic interest, especially if it's a romantic interest, 'cause she's also of the mind of who needs a boyfriend when there's food? while she's observant when it comes to changes in people's behaviour, she in general lacks the capacity to act well on her observations, and is awkward when trying to comfort someone or cheer them up. When it comes to her own feels, part from rage, annoyance, or "Jock Mode", she can barely admit to them, let alone discuss them with other. Speaking of "Jock Mode", she is competitive AF, somewhat dismissive (this usually only comes out in games, but she tends to ignore weaker opponents in search of stronger ones who pose a challenge). Also tends to display some arrogance in the sports she's most talented it, particularly volleyball. It's not quite a personality flaw, but she's weak for loving parents, or just a loving family in general (in life and when watching movies, it makes her fucking cry every time, which really puts a damper on her tough girl image, it's not usually a visible one, but she can't hide the longing in her face when she watches a parent and their child being a normal, happy family). Definitely has tunnel-vision, once she has a goal in sight, that's all she sees. Can even be paired down to dumb things, like C-grade trashy alien movies. She tends to notice only the aliens and revel in their destruction, while ignoring everything else, including the plot. Has plenty of issues; abandonment, trust, ptsd - none of which she is dealing with. She's just ignoring it and hopes it goes away once she becomes a cool, reliable adult™️ (lol, good luck that, adult life is a lie).

𝐁𝐈𝐎

➤SHORT BIO: Katarina is half-Brazillian, half-Russian, though she is under the assumption that she is Romanian, she is biological the daughter of Vasily Raevsky, a Russian Oligarch, and Xuxa Amalia Reis Moreno, a Brazilian businesswoman and all round bad bitch. For reasons unknown to her, Katarina was in effect abandoned at birth and placed in a Romanian orphanage in Brăila, which is also presumed to be her birthplace. Her birth certificate lists both parents as unknown, the orphanage named her. Having no parents or known family, and raised in an orphanage has given Kat many self-reliant skills, and allows her to live independently, but it has also left her with a deep sense of loneliness (not to mention PTSD 'cause Romanian Orphan life is a nightmare). She recognizes that much of her yearning is still childish fantasy, and often covers up that desire with her brash nature or jock hobbies.

Growing up in the orphanage was... not easy. The Brăila Home for Children was not the best, to say the least. Though it could've been worse (*shudders at the case of the Sighetu Marmației institution for disabled children* - do better Romania, oh my god). The orphanage was under and poorly staffed. They would often neglect and abuse the children, one year shaving every childs head so they all looked the same, and often chaining rowdy children to their beds. During Katarina's time, many of her fellow orphans died from minor illness or injuries such as cataracts or anemia, which were treated poorly or simply ignored, and a number also starved to death. Because of this, Katarina has a habit of hoarding food, and keeping snacks under her pillow. She also has difficulty sharing, and despises headboards that are railed(? the ones with gaps, idk what to call them).

When she was around eleven, the orphanage received ample anonymous donations, leading to much improvement, and the arrival of a new Director, Ileana Cojocaru, who, over time, earned the trust of Kat and her fellow orphans, and became something of a surrogate mother. Ileana did a nearly complete staff overturn (fun side note, some of the staff, especially those who harmed Kat have gone missing in the past few years, coincidence? no), as well as hiring accomplished childcare professionals from all over the world to help the children. It was Ileana who sparked Kat's, or rather Rina as Ileana called her,  interest in sports, though Ileana was more into football herself, she encourage Kat to explore whatever she wanted, though particularly team sports so that Kat could foster dependent relations. Kat herself particularly enjoyed volleyball, joining a little league team and winning a number of competitions. Due to her skill both in setting and spiking, she usually plays in the Opposite Hitter position.

Katarina entered EHS in Highschool, on what she assumed to be the Elite's scholarship program, arranged by Ileana, who even said as such, though in truth, her entry and tuition are all being handled by an anonymous benefactor. This fact was revealed to Kat last summer after Ileana died (of p̶l̶o̶t̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶e̶a̶s̶e̶ cancer), whose lawyer was put in charge of the bank accounts meant to pay for all of Kat's needs. The lawyer refused to divulge whom the anonymous benefactor is, citing a non-disclosure clause, though the need to discover who has given Kat a whole new mission in life.

➤FAMILY: On Katarina's part, she doesn't believe she has one, though she does consider Ileana to be her family, and has grown to care somewhat about her fellow orphans from the Brăila Home, while growing up they were rivals struggling to survive. Ileana's death devastated her, and she's dealing with it by straight up ignoring it. Lol, I'm not sad, my eyes are just glistening with the ghosts of my past.

Biologically, despite her complete lack of knowledge of it, Kat comes from rather a rather illustrious family. Her mother, Xuxa Amalia Reis Moreno, is a Brazilian Businesswoman, herself the daughter of a self-made millionaire, Xuxa is expanded the Moreno parent company, MC Inc., an oil and mineral company in origin, into numerous side ventures, owning and operating businesses ranging from restaurants to magazines and clothing lines. Her father meanwhile, Vasily Raevsky, is of the (former) noble House of Raevsky, now oligarchs in modern-day Russia, who virtually control Russia's diamond and precious stone industry, currently owning controlling shares of ALROSA, the largest diamond mining company in Russia, and accounting for 95% of the countries diamond production, as well as 27% of the global diamond extraction, and the House of Fabergé, which they purchased after the fall of the Soviet Union. If she remained in the care of either of her parents, her name would technically be Katarina Vasilyevna Moreno Raevskaya, which is a fun and utterly useless fact.

Her parents met at a rich people conference (idk, Davos or some shit like that) and engaged in a short lived affair. Her father was already married and could not accept her, and her mother had no interest in being a mother at all, let alone a single one, leading to them choosing to give her up in Romania, an arbitrary choice that fucked her up, lol.

Via her father, she has an elder brother, Viktor Vasilyevich Raevsky, who is in fact her anonymous benefactor. Viktor discovered her existence after Vasily had an accident and was close to death, so he confessed his sins and what not. Viktor eventually tracked her down and sought to improve her life. Though he wants to bring her into the family, he doesn't for the sake of his mother who cannot deal with the affair, though she refuses to divorce Vasily for appearances sake.

𝐄𝐗𝐓𝐑𝐀

➤MOODBOARD: https://tinyurl.com/y8a2gjy8 ➤SCHOOL WARDROBE/AESTHETICS: https://tinyurl.com/ycodubrb ➤PLAYLIST: https://tinyurl.com/y6wwmp74

➤TOP 3 CHARACTER PICKS: the Sports Star, the Princess, The Rebel(de) <-- lol, see what I did there? I'm so funny.

[ghostlyhabato]

"send me a made-up fic title and i'll tell you what i would write to go with it" Do you write fic? How about the title "Forgotten" ?

Yes bruh i write fic, i jsut havnt been posting anything cuz i never FINISH shit. 

And Oh dear honey. i could write an entire book with the title ‘forgotten’. Like. The number of characters i have w amnesia is too many, not to mention the number of characters that used to be widely recognized figures and then slowly grew into obscurity and disappearing from society’s history entirely.

I could do a DP fic w Clockwork and my version of the history surrounding who he is and other various bits of lore/items from DP that are never explained that are tied into it. I could do a fic about my OC Emma who has forgotten almost everything from before she died, and yearns to learn everything. Or about maybe if/how figures from BNHA could be forgotten, such as All Might or Deku or the League of Villains (because no history lasts forever, even for great heros and their terrible villains). Or maybe, ooh, I havn’t written Sailor Moon fanfiction yet and thats a sin considering i grew up on that show, a fic could be made talking about the Senshi’s feelings towards forgetting/remembering their past lives and how it effects them now. I could do one about, fuckin..., lots of stuff.

Many options.

[xennariel]

11 Questions AKA Xen Screams About Royai, FMA, and Hellsing

I was tagged by @ladywiltshire Thanks. =)

RULES: Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you.

1. Do you remember your first time watching or reading Fullmetal Alchemist? What was your first impression? - I think I first got into the FMA manga around late 2002. I loved Ed and thought he was great and that, plus the whole human transmutation thing got me hooked. I loved the 03 anime in its early episodes and I was such a big fan that I went out and bought the sweatshirt that looks like Ed’s jacket and the shoes that look like his. I wore them as often as I could in my junior year of high school. About midway through the anime I started disliking it, though, and I went back to reading just the manga and ignored the anime. But then the manga started taking too long to update for me and about halfway through that, I discovered Hellsing and that held my obsession for the next eight or nine years, making me completely forget about FMA until I heard the manga ended. I remember looking up the last chapter of the manga and thinking it was an awesome way to end it, even though I hadn’t read any of the manga since the halfway point. lol It wasn’t until I saw some royai art on my dash in early 2016 that I decided to watch Brotherhood, and boy am I glad I did because my initial impression of that was “AHHHHHH I LOVE THIS WHERE HAVE I BEEN FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS???” And whoops, this ended up being about how I went through my FMA phases instead of taking about my initial experience... Sorry about that.

2. Tell us about The Fave™. - I am guessing all of your questions refer to FMA? So Roy Mustang. I could scream about him all day and never get bored. He’s great. The best. So is Riza. They have so many layers and are so interesting and dynamic. I love them so much it hurts. And out of any media I’m a fan of, I think they’re my absolute favorites. Integra Hellsing is a definite runner up, though. Of course, my fav favs are my OCs Xennariel and Loki, but since they’re not part of an existing thing yet, I can’t exactly rave about how great they are because that would just make me sound dumb.

3. Do you have a favorite fan work? Fanfics? Comics? - For FMA, I have a few fics I love and I’ve mentioned them before so I’m not going to link them again because I’m feeling very tired and lazy today. And honestly, any art depicting both Roy and Riza’s scars are my weakness. As for other fandoms, I loved the writer Thess. Her Hellsing works were amazing. I also liked and kept up with a Hellsing fancomic called And Shine Heaven Now by Sailor Ptah. That was cute. But that was like, a long time ago. Thess hasn’t written anything since like 2009 and that webcomic ended in like 2007 or so. So yeah, it’s been a long time since I’ve been an active part of the Hellsing fandom, and I kind of miss it. I miss seeing what new stuff people are producing for that series, but a lot of the fandom on Tumblr seems a little...iffy. I see so much art reposted with no credit and I cannot support people like that so I don’t really follow many Hellsing blogs. It’s kind of sad.

4. Hit me with an analysis/opinion you have on the series or characters! - Again, I’m guessing you’re talking FMA, so uh... Jeez, I wish I wasn’t so tired, it would make this question a whole lot easier. Um, I think I’ve already written all the analysis I can think of though, which isn’t much. I’ve talked about Roy’s fight with Lust before, I’ve talking about how he looks at Riza during his fight with Envy in the manga, I’ve talked about how Roy is not actually drunk when he calls Riza to give her flowers, contrary to what many people seem to think. It’s hard for me to come up with this sort of stuff when I’m not prompted. lol I need to see something in direct contradiction of what I think or just general discussion about a subject before I have a lot of opinions. xD

I guess I could talk about the couple of reasons why Roy and Riza having a relationship in the manga could possibly be a thing? I am 80% sure that despite how clearly they loved each other, Roy and Riza did not have anything going on between them in the series. However, there are some points I want to make that lean toward them actually being together in a romantic sense throughout the manga.

My main point is how comfortable they are around each other. A lot of people say there’s a lot of unresolved sexual or romantic tension between then throughout the series, but I honestly don’t see that. I see two people who clearly care about one another a great deal, who, with one look, make it obvious that they’re in love. But I don’t see them really pining for one another or anything like that. They act like an old married couple. They don’t seem to act like they want to kiss or jump each other desperately. Which, to me says that perhaps it’s because they already do. (This could be because I’m Ace, though, and I do not go looking for sexual implications in my OTPs, so maybe it just goes over my head all the time.)

Case in point, I knew my husband for ten years before we got married. In the first four years or so, we definitely were a couple of teenagers in love. We pined for one another when we couldn’t see each other. When in public, we stared at each other silently wishing we could go somewhere to be alone, we made out as often as possible. After about four or five years, the feeling of “I need to touch this person because I have a lot of pent up sexual and romantic tension for them” pretty much died down and we became very comfortable with each other. If we didn’t hug or kiss for a while, it was no big deal because we had each other and we knew we could arrange to be together to do those things whenever.

My point is, Roy and Riza act like that around each other, which tells me that perhaps the reason they aren’t desperate to touch one another all the time is because they already do. They’re used to intimacy so why would they itch to touch each other 24/7? If they were as in love as they appeared to be, but couldn’t be with each other, I think they’d show more signs of yearning for one another. This, of course, could be because we just don’t see it since they were not the focus of the series and their relationship had no huge importance to the story (and Arakawa has said that she does not include anything that doesn’t need to be in the story), but I feel like, even with the amount of time they had been together, if they had never touched each other or kissed or hugged or whatever, they’d have a hard time masking the want they would have for each other. Their comfort in each other’s presence could be more than just them having spent a long time together.

My other point is the Barry the Chopper scene where Roy gets super jealous of Barry touching Riza and prepares to burn him to a crisp. Riza stops him and seems absolutely unfazed by his jealousy, which could indicate that he’s acted like that multiple times in the past and she’s used to telling him to calm the hell down.

The last point isn’t exactly evidence, but Roy and Riza did change clothes in a car together and didn’t come out of that flustered or blushing or anything like they might have if they were unused to seeing each other in various states of undress. I mean, yeah, Roy learned his alchemy from her bare back, but it’s not like he saw anything else. I feel like he’d still get flustered if he saw her without a shirt on, even if it was just her back, because if they weren’t together, if they weren’t touching each other on a somewhat regular basis, he’s just a guy in love and he’d want to touch her and blush about it or get embarrassed easily about seeing her. Think about Ed in that scene where he was in the room when Winry was changing. He was flushed and embarrassed because he was a kid in love who had never touched the person he loved intimately before. So this one kind of goes back to my ‘comfortable with each other’ theory.

Also, that scene where Madame Christmas asks why Roy doesn’t just go play with Elizabeth. What kind of ‘play’ is she insinuating? And why does she know this? And why do the other girls think they have a ‘chance’ now that Elizabeth has been taken by another man. What has Roy been telling them about her?

Anyway, that’s all. Like I said, I am super tired and this analysis probably came out sounding weird or not convincing. Maybe I’ll write it up better sometime later.

5. Tell us about a project you have going on! Or if you don’t have one, maybe something you’ve always wanted to write or draw? - I am still working on my super long royai fanfic that I started in, like, June 2016. It chronicles the series from Roy and Riza’s viewpoint, starting from when they first meet, going through manga canon FMA, and finally ending with what happens post series. (Though I really dislike where it’s gone and I’ve been considering scrappy the last ten chapters and rewriting them...)

After that fic is finished, I plan to write another one that goes through the canon FMA manga storyline, only with Riza being an alchemist secretly the entire time and where she is also a candidate for sacrifice. (Though I may end up writing this one soon anyway just because I’m not liking Through Eyes of Flame anymore. I’ve lost a lot of reader so it’s just not worth it.)

And I also want to write a fic that takes place after canon FMA where evil demons from the world in my original novel end up finding a way into Amestris and plan to kill off all the humans so they can take over because they already tried that in their own world and failed. A couple of my OCs follow these demons and team up with Roy, Riza, the rest of team Mustang, and others from the military to stop the demons from killing everyone. I’m a little iffy about this one though because it would have OCs and I never know how well received OCs are in fics...

6. Favorite opening/ending number and why? - For FMA? I love Chemistry and Rain. The songs are catchy and the animations for those have some of my favorite things from all of the openings and endings.

7. Tell me about a scene that really touched your or made you realize something about yourself. - In FMA, I honestly don’t know. I lot of scenes touched me or made me feel something like Hughes’ burial and Nina’s whole experience and subsequent death. Riza getting her throat slit and Roy freaking out. Roy losing himself in the fight against Envy, but having enough sense of self when he looked at Riza to still be soft to her like usual. Lan Fan cutting off her damn arm just to save Ling. I don’t know if I learned anything about myself from any of that though, other than I realized how much I love royai and lingfan and what badasses they all are imo.

8. OTPs! Who are they? Why are you WEAK FOR THEM?? - RoyxRiza, of course. Royai is the OTP of OTPs. They don’t even need to touch on screen or even say anything for you to see that they care about each other deeply. Plus, I’m all about that ‘forbidden relationship’ trope. But even without that, they’ve been together a long time and get along so well. Their dynamic is wonderful and interesting and just pulls me in. They’re not just in love, they’re best friends and that’s the best relationship to have. They protect each other’s backs, Roy knows when Riza is upset without even needing to see her, they just know each other so well and work so well together.

Same with AlucardxIntegra from Hellsing. I like them for much the same reasons and they used to be my OTP of OTPs until I got back into FMA. They’re another battle couple, and they never touch in the series, but it’s heavily implied and obvious they have a thing for each other. And that fucking scene where he bows to her on the battlefield surrounded by dead and impaled bodies? I died, okay. I screamed and raved when that manga chapter came out and I still scream about it whenever I see it. They didn’t even touch, but it was the hottest thing. And then when Alucard comes back to her after 30 years, he says himself that he could have gone anywhere, but he chose to be there. And then she fucking bites her right ring finger (the finger used for wedding bands in Romania) and makes a ring out of blood on it and lets him drink from it? End me. It’s canon.

9. Funniest headcanon you’ve ever seen. Go! - Uhm... I don’t know, actually. I’ve never really seen many funny headcanons go around.

10. What spurred you to join the fandom?

- I got back into Royai and it was around when Royai week 2016 was happening and I had been looking to get back into writing around then too so I thought it would be a good thing to participate in to practice writing. A couple of people liked my stuff and started following me for that and then I found a bunch of authors from FFNet that I liked had Tumblrs, so I followed them and kept up with the writing and before I knew it, I was deep in the FMA/Royai fandom. lol

As for Hellsing, it just kind of happened. And much like with FMA, as soon as I started writing for it, I started getting people that would talk to me about stuff, so that was fun. I’m not an active participant in that fandom anymore, but I never really left it. My love for the series hasn’t diminished, I’m just more focused on FMA these days. Roy and Riza are easier to write for then Alucard and Integra.

11. Definitely the same question… have a fandom meltdown here and tell me why you love your fandom or show/comic so much! - We’ll start with the FMA manga because holy shit it’s amazing and has such good characters and good ships and AHHHHH! It’s such an inspiring piece of work. The thought that went into it, the research, the fucking detail. It’s incredible.Hellsing is one of the best mangas too, if you like gore and horror. Awesome characters, great ships, fantastic plot about killing vampire nazis. What’s not to love, honestly? Alucard is such a complex main character. And Integra is just boss. She is Queen. I highly recommend the manga and OVA. Stay away from the first anime aka the Gonzo anime. It was terrible, much like FMA 03 was terrible, but honestly, I’d rather watch FMA 03 than the first Hellsing anime. That’s how bad it was. lolAnd The Slayers is legit the funniest anime I have ever seen while simultaneously being one of the coolest. The magic system in that is flawless and amazing and the humor is top notch. Go watch the series if you haven’t already. Lina is the best.Also, the book that spoke to me the most was Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion. Go read it and the nits prequel and then the sequel. It’s well worth it. I read it at a time in my life when I was very low emotionally and I saw myself in R and what he says and does is so relatable.