#i love you all and i didnt expect my account to last this long

[bucketspammer4life]

ITS....

MY BIRTHED DAY YIPPEE YAY YIPPEE HIP HİP HOORAY!!! ♡

and for that.. i bring you..

☆ the boxers planning a birthday party ☆

and for this special ocassion.. I will be posting my cringe writing!!!! Happy birthday to me!!!

Glass Joe

- 99% he was the one that baked the cake, he really didnt have a choice other than to go with the walmart cake

- doting on everything, the cake has to be the perfect flavor, the invitations have to be in the right font so its not too fancy but its not too bland, the decorations need to be cheery but not too childish, the presents need to be spot on with whatever they like but not too spot on because stalking people is not cool, generally organized

- on that last note, he can and will stalk your social media accounts to find out what you like and how you like it, you'll suddenly see that "baguettedude420" is following your Facebook account and "winethief21" is viewing your instagram story (and accidentally liked a post from 2016 uh oh)

- going all out like its your last birthday

Von Kaiser

- doing his best, hes not good at remembering dates so he usually celebrates it WAYYY too early or after a week, you'll see a "happy birthday!!" message from him a month after your actual birthday

- gets "generally liked" gifts if he doesnt know what you like including: perfume, merch of a band you might like, jeans and socks (kaiser you have bad taste)

- will buy a pre-made cake because baking is not his thing

- will not sing happy birthday, nuh uh hes not putting you through that

Disco Kid

- going all out like this is his last day on earth, you cant get him to directly ask you "what do you want for ur birthday" because he'd rather cartwheel off a cliff than do that, doing mental gymnastics to find out what you would like for your birthday, "oh so you like sharks?" He then proceeds to get you shark themed gifts (if you have a hyperfixation on something really specific this is a win for you)

- goes out of his way to make, decorate & throw edible glitter at a cake for you

- definitely asking your friends "what does this bitch like??" (not that exact question but still close) since he doesnt have the guts to ask you what you like without making it obvious he wants to get you something specific

-oversinging happy birthday

King Hippo

- rushing on the last day, the only thing that saved him was the reminder on his phone

- also stalks your social media accounts because he didnt have the time to think about what hes gonna get you, uh oh looks like "theking5262627" is following your instagram account

- his gifts are mostly food related, like baking? Heres a whisk, like cooking? Heres a apron & a pan, like fruit? Enjoy this Apple shaped mug

- bakes a gorgeous cake, if you dont like how it tastes he'll be heartbroken, so for now you'll have to suffer through the blueberry allergy or he'll be sad

Piston Hondo

- overdoing everything like Joe, this time its not limited to asking your friends & stalking your social media accounts, hes gonna contact your family & ask your siblings and parents like "i know that you dont know me but your childs birthday is coming up what do they like pls tell me im gonna get them a gift" and it usually ends in hondo being friends with your parents, hes gonna whip out the oujia board to contact your deceased relatives to ask what kind of cake you like, hes gonna to swim in your gene pool to find out what your favorite color is, hes gonna get info, one way or another

- He thinks more about your birthday than you do, planning this like his life depends on it

-makes sure the decorations fit your taste because nothings worse than a badly decorated birthday (other than a family argument ending in both sides cutting contact but my point stands)

- makes it obvious hes planning it, you could say something like "i think green is a really good color" And he would just start overthinking it like "so you like green??? Do you also like plants?? Nature??? Mint??"

Great Tiger

- He already knows what you want, what flavor of cake (or any other desert) you want since he stalked your social media accounts WAYYYY before this, what on earth made you think "thegreatestman11" was a normal account

- dont let him sing happy birthday (PLEASE) or he'll perform a entire choreography (am i spelling that correctly)

- baking and putting his soul into it, theres sweat, blood and tears in that cake (not in the literal sense hes not that nasty) but he did see the light halfway through decorating the cake

Bear Hugger

-going off vibes & what he knows and is pretty spot on, if he cant decide on a gift he'll make a Facebook account (not to stalk you this time) to abuse the data stealing algorithm and get you a funny t shirt, sorry but your legally a old man who skateboards, has a weird obsession with fire extinguishers and was born in august now enjoy your destiny

- cannot bake to save his life, if you told him to bake a simple cake or do a backflip off a building he'll happily take the plunge, for this reason he just gets Ms. Bear to help

- you will get at least one (1) camo themed object from him

Don Flamenco

- this fucking bastard, hes rushing the last day to get you a present from walmart, hes just grabbing objects he could see you looking at and going "This is ok i guess" And running, cake? He got it from a bakery since he was normal enough to get you a edible cake with a hint of care

- He just dissapears after 20 minutes from your party he has places to be and this is not one of those

Aran Ryan

- fucking hell. He gets you dumb t-shirts off aliexpress along with gag gifts since he doesnt have the energy to be sane, best case scenario he'll handcarve you a little cat made from wood if he cares enough

- worst cake ever, hes simply struggling, eating the cake he baked would cause you a stroke, 20 heart attacks, 98 diseases, 2 ancient curses and liver failure, he has to film a apology video now uh oh

Soda Popinski

- handmaking stuff for you, decorations? He made them all, gifts? He crochetted (im so not spelling that right), he knitted, he carved and baked (both a cake and clay)

- definitely came late but still came

- (forgive me for these becoming short im exhausted + this is a scheduled post)

Bald Bull

- definitely not coming because no one wants to get swarmed at their birthday, no way

- He wont even go through with getting you a gift, hes just gonna send you money because why struggle with thinking about a person when they can think about themselves??

- stalking your social media accounts (not even for your birthday, hes just a bit noisy)

Super Macho Man

- same case as Bull, sends you money & wont show up, except this time he also gets you gifts other than money, also stalking your accounts

- no cake but will go all out for your decorations

Mr Sandman

- actually sane, hes not overthinking it but hes not forgetting about it either, he'll get you stuff he thinks you would adore, hes not really spot on but hes doing his best

- needs help with the cake, Sandman please stop youre gonna burn the kitchen down and im sure this is the 2nd building you'll wreck if you dont stop

[burnedwriter]

N.N.N Harbinger special!

A/n:i have had so many problems with this fic i swear,this is a reupload of the fic due to my blog being shadow banned and my post getting community labeled.i will have an ao3 account in a few days so i will also upload all my fics there

A/n:im not responsible for what people read

💉Dottore

💉he would accept the challenge only to experiment on himself.we are talking about dottore afterall.He was curious to see the effects that it had on his body.

💉he will even tell you to tease him a bit to see if the there any diferent effects.

💉this man sees everything as an opportunity for an experiment and suprisingly enough he made it through the whole month

💉until one day,you were approached by a fatui agent.

''lord dottore requests your assistance!''He said monotonely

and with that you got up from your seat and headed towards dottore's office.Knoking the door before entering,you closed the door behind you,he had his chair turned back at the door but as soon as he heard the door close he turned his chair to face you.

you always felt like a deer in headlights to his presence making your whole body freeze in place

''you requested my assistance,how's the experiment going sir?''you said cowardly

making himself comfortable he placed his elbows on his desk as the tips of his fingers touched eachether creating a sophisticated pose

''the experiment went great dear,but there is one last thing i want you to help me with.....how about you show me what that beautiful mouth of yours can do other than talking''

🐋tartaglia/childe

🐋When you told this man about the challenge,he acceted imediatly without any hesitation.Childe loves challenging his abilities in every way he can.

🐋But what he didnt expect was how hard it would be with you around him

🐋he lasted until day 15 and failed in the most clitche way possible

🐋You heard him call you from the living room,so you quickly threw a towel over yourself as you just came out of the shower and headed to the living room.

''what is it ajax?''you asked confused as you saw him stand still before you

his cheecks flashed red as he continued to stare at your half covered body

''you look really beautiful like this''his voice trembling almost like he fell in love again

coming closer to you he wrapped his arms around your waist closing the distance between you

You saw his gaze turn from soft to a lustful one,as his hands slithered down your ass massaging it softly and earning a low moan from you

"How about we take this to the bedroom hm"

👿Scaramouche

👿When you told him about the challenge he thought it was stupid but....he accepted it only because hehas a big ego about himself and wants to prove its not that hard

👿So of course you took it upon yourself and decided to tease him a bit just to step up the difficulty for him.

👿Pretending you dropped your pen and picking it up only to flash scara with a glimse of your panties,or another thing you did to tease him was grinding yourself against his crotch every time you sat on his lap and when he confroted you about it,you tried to pay it off as coincidence

That was the last straw for him

"Are you satisfied now slut" he hissed threw his teeth as he pounded into your core as he had you pinned with your legs next to your head

"Trying so hard to get my attention"he said continuing his merciless pace

By that you knew you were in for a long night

👖Pantalone

👖 Pantalone is different from the rest of the harbingers.He will agree to participate in the challenge under one condition,if you too joined

👖By accepting the deal you sealed your fate in he worst case possible

👖Pantalone didnt seem to break by your teasing even if it did hes impossible to read under that charming smile of his

👖Pantalone's teasing though...made you wish this month to be over already

👖He would brush his hands with yours everytime he passed you or he will whisper dirty things in your ear every chance he got just to see you cheeks glow red

👖Finally you had enough of his teasing,putting your ego aside you went straight to his office,upon entering you closed the door behind you

Pantalone lifted his head off of the paper work only to realise it was you

"Hello darling,is there anything you need?"

Bitting your lip as your face started to heat up from embarassment

"Oh!i see...you finally gave in,too bad we have to try next year again"he let out a teasing laugh as a sly smile started to form

You were in for a treat

[mbat]

fuck it, have my unnecessarily personal review that i left on letterboxd (i literally only made a letterboxd account like 3 days ago and this is my first and only review ahfhdg)

"i only just finished watching this film about 2 hours ago and for the first while after, i didnt know how to feel. i went into this movie knowing it was a trans metaphor (and that was the only thing i knew), and it definitely was. there were some things i didnt understand until i saw other peoples discussions of it, and some parts i still dont entirely understand, but i think i understand enough.

mind you, i am trans and ive known for years, im just bad at picking up metaphor sometimes. i think it doesnt help that i went into it expecting it to be a very different kind of metaphor because, well... i dont think ive ever seen a trans story like this. the one where they explore someone rejecting their identity and living their life refusing to believe it, even though theyre suffocating to death. i love any trans story (that isnt hateful of course), but they tend to be the same kind. this one wasnt. im glad it wasnt.

for about an hour after i couldnt stop thinking about the final scene, in the birthday room. i hoped i would stop thinking about it eventually, i was trying to move on with my day, but it just wouldnt leave. i rewatched it on youtube and i read the comments, and as i made my own comment i just started sobbing, and i couldnt stop.

that breakdown scene in that birthday room has been how ive felt for so long, but i cant just scream like that. hell, ive felt like that in so many ways that arent even related to my trans identity. just that throat-tearing scream, begging for help, im dying, help me... and then being sorry that i even dared feel that way, and then screaming for my mother. i am so weak when it comes to stories about mothers nowadays, i lost my own mother a few years ago. so hearing that scream hurt.

and of course, the fact that no one acknowledges it. everyone else is frozen, like they arent even there. no one even looked their way for those last few minutes. no one responded. even as they apologized to everyone in sight, no one cared. someone asked if they were okay, but we dont even see them.

my entire life has been me screaming from the inside, but never out. and no one sees it. no one sees me. ive never seen another scene like this ever. it tore into my soul and plastered it into the screen, telling me to look at myself.

im also in a big time of change in my life. im about to go back to school after dropping out, and ive been isolated for 7 years from the world... on the youtube video of the final scene, someone said 'this is what its like going down a path in your life, and then realizing it was the wrong one, and that you wasted years of your life that you will never get back' and that hurt. that hurt so much because it was true. i went down a path that i can never change, and i just want to scream until i cant anymore. i just wanted someone to help me. all i could ever do was help myself.

what an amazing movie. there will always still be time. never forget that there will always still be more time."

[bradshawsbitch]

hi :) I’m kinda new to tumblr and tgm, do you have any tips to not get blocked by people bc I got blocked by one of my fave tgm blogs even though I followed their rules (age/not blank blog) and I’m kinda sad about it :(

Hi honey! I’m sorry you got blocked. I of course can’t speak for any other creators on here, but here’s some tips about what I look for/what I decide to block.

If a person has their age stated, that’s already such a relief! I, however, do sometimes choose to block people who doesn’t have a blank blog either. For me, I want my followers and readers to be interactive with me.

This site is a blog site, like your account and your page is your blog - which is why it’s called re-blog. Tumblr was big because back in the day, you had a separate website for your blog, and you had to click in on your fave blogs to catch up on their content - on tumblr, they put all of your fave blogs in one place, and you could now interact with your fave bloggers and put THEIR stuff that you liked on YOUR blog, which was so groundbreaking!

I tell you this because I feel like people forget, and some people on here might not even be old enough to remember what blogs even were.

So, when I see a blog followed me, I look for age, if they have that, I look at content. I block users who haven’t reblogged anything recently (say January this year is the last post, that’s a block for me), and if I’ve noticed said user liking my fics - but they haven’t reblogged ANY fic from ANY user on their blog that’s a block too. If you don’t want to even just click a button to reblog instead of like, I don’t feel like sharing my fics with you.

And that’s another thing, how you interact with the fic. It bothers me that fics are just expected to drop like it’s a fucking six second tiktok that you just throw together. The really good fic writers on here? They’ve been writing for years. They’ve put time and hard work into perfecting their craft. If you look at book series - how long do you usually have to wait for the next installment? Years, usually.

So asking an author for “part two?!?“ can and should be seen as extremely rude. Because for us that is not you telling us you liked the story, that’s you dissatisfied with the end and wanting more, without giving us anything but impatience and pressure. I’ve seen some people say they’re shy or don’t know what to write but imma be a cunt and say that’s such fucking bullshit.

It’s a fucking blog. Like??? “Cumslut96 wrote that they loved the descriptive language of the blowjob scene” how the fuck will I know who that is? Like I don’t go “that must be Lisa from down the street!”

And not knowing what to comment? Also bullshit - literally just write what the fic made you feel. And if it didnt make you feel anything, why’d you even want a part two? We’re literally creating shit for free (or in my case, I pay 12 dollars a month to give y’all gifs) and like the least you could do is leave a comment about what you liked. It’s what inspires and makes writers want to write more, there’s no shortcuts for that unfortunately.

Tldr; age in bio, reblog frequently with variation, treat your content creators with respect, and for gods sake don’t write “just here for the fics” in your bio 💀

[marzonomy]

I SUDDENLY HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO WRITE SO I ABSOLUTELY MUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS WHILE I CAN SO

JTK X READER ANGST/FLUFF ONESHOT

I WAS GOING TO MAKE THIS NSFW BUT I DIDNT ACTUALLY PLAN THIS STORY SO IT ENDED UP JUST SOFT also I might make a drawing for this who knows

Context: Reader goes through a vague yet upsetting event, causing them to finally just shutdown. They spend their time absentminded playing on their console, completely oblivious to Jeff’s obsessive worrying.

CW; Angst (in the style of Hurt/Comfort), mentions of death.

The clock reads 10:34 PM (or 22:34 if you can count past 12,) as your unblinking eyes stare mindlessly at the TV. You’ve been playing the same video game for several hours consecutively, not knowing about your 34 missed calls and 52 unread texts from Jeff.

You heard a slight rustle outside your window, but don’t pay it any attention. Who cares if someone breaks in and kills you? You actually wish they would. Then you hear knocking. You decide to ignore it, if somebody really wants you dead they’ll just break in. It’s not like your window is locked anyways.

And that’s exactly what they do. You hear the window open, and simply pause your game. You don’t bother turning around. It’s not like you have any friends that would be checking up on you. You place your controller in your lap, feeling the intruders eyes on the back of your head. You can only sigh, your voice monotone and nothing short of dead.

“If you’re going to kill me, make it quick. My safe is in the closet, and it’s open. You’ll find all my cash in there, as well as important information if you want to access my bank account. Don’t feel bad about it either, by the way. I live alone, so nobody’s gonna miss-”

“SHUT UP.”

You’re caught of guard by a familiar voice. It’s Jeff’s. But despite his yelling, he doesn’t really sound angry. For the first time, he actually sounds genuinely upset. Hurt. Like he’s holding back oceans of emotion behind his defensive yelling. You’re frozen. You cant bring yourself to face him. All you can do is hope whatever you did isn’t enough to make him hurt you.

But you don’t have to move. It doesn’t take him long to find his way crouched in front of you. You’ve never seen him like this. Almost vulnerable. He looked… worried. You could see small tears pricking his eyes, threatening to bring forth a fountain if he stopped holding back. You didn’t know what to think. Did he… actually care about you? Surely not. Surely this was all an elaborate scheme.

“Listen to me, Y/N.”

You tried to best to ignore him, to go back to what you were doing. You knew he was tricking you. He wouldn’t be the first, and he likely wouldn’t be the last. You silently scolded yourself. You thought you had ridden yourself of the feelings to kept inside for him. Now look at you, fighting the hope to think he gave a shit about your well-being.

Pathetic. Truly, truly pathetic. You know your place. You know it damn well. He is well above you, he has no reason to care. You cant blame him for wanting to hurt you, but you have the audacity to wish he wouldn’t.

“Please.”

Your thoughts went silent. He NEVER said anything polite. Let alone desperately. You slowly realized he was being serious, but you refused to admit it.

He held your hands in his own, doing his best to keep his composure.

“Don’t you EVER say those words again. You do not get to devalue yourself. Especially to me.”

You open your mouth to apologize, but you don’t get the chance.

“I would miss you. I CARE about you. I’ve been trying to contact you all damn day but you didn’t answer, I was WORRIED ABOUT YOU. For fucks sake, y/n, I thought- I thought you were dead!”

“…I’m sorry. I just… don’t understand. Out of all the people in this entire world, why… would you care about me?”

His expression fell. You had grown to expect a lot of things, but nothing could have prepared you for this.

“Because I love you.”

Was… was he still being serious?

“I never wanted to admit it, but I do. I love being with you, I love the way you make me feel, I love listening to your voice and holding your hand. I love talking to you, how you never judge the things I say or run away from me. I love you. You aren’t afraid of me. You don’t see me as a monster. You’re just about the only person who actually sees me at all. And I’m tired of denying it. For the first time in my life, I can truthfully say that I love someone. I love you, y/n.”

You both simply stared at each other, desperately holding back your tears. He was resilient in keeping himself together, but you couldn’t help but fall apart.

“You… I…”

You struggled to find words, fresh hot tears streaming your cheeks. But you couldn’t. You simply collapsed into his arms as he caught you, holding you tight. And for the first time in a very long time, he cried. You say there for what felt like hours, holding each other and finally letting your emotions out.

Unfinished??? Maybe???? Idk we’ll find out

[thepowerisyouth]

Eh mental health is annoying. Buying & cooking cheap low-FODMAP diet is annoying. My best top note for now is I'm using this blog to practice writing. I need more practice in it. I only know business, accounting & economics stuff. Its stupid stuff. Theres too much actual fraud everywhere that its annoying

Also I use mobile so formatting sucks cause Nvidia GPUs, or Arch dont like tumblr site. Or tumblr site dont like tumbkr site

Also also I 100,000% support all my fellow ones-and-zeros and their identity. Everyone is welcome here.

Except transphobes/zionist/long list of others but you get it. I'll help harrass any of those types endlessly if someone wants to tag me, and bring me in on an argument like that friend you call for backup with fights

Im unhinged so who's to say exactly what will end up here but this is also a completely public blog to me friends, family, hell, even acquaintances i dont give a fuc.

Blog should be expected to be roughly as child-friendly as simpsons or bobs burgers. But also boring like a civics/economics lesson sometimes. Yay

--------

I (and my husband) am ex mormon. Its a weird thing. Look into it if you havent recently. Realllllyyyy look into. Takes time to figure it all out in this fuckin fucked up world.

I just moved a year ago. Didnt watch the US stock market as much as I normally do. Had my first snowstorm 10 weeks ago, that was.. fun to handle while ill prepared. About 6 weeks ago I was hopping back on the market and notice its a huge tech bubble about to pop and all the conditions Ive been warned about my whole career imply this is not good. Just took a little more thinking & digging and I'm a little too confident to stop talking about it now.

(Oh I'm also care-free as fuc so I dont really read or desire to change past posts more than lil-nitpicks. More informative for the reader & myself-in-the-future-reading that way)

And I'm not kidding I do love feedback & questions. Its a very public blog tho so I get that part for sure.

If you search "life story" in my tags I had that pinned for a min Im just moving shit around rn

Being poor sucks. Will write more on that later.

---------------

First of all-- the exact timeline of an "economic shock" is literal insanity. Dont worry about the exact timing of any of this-- just know its doomed to happen soon.

Here are some effects I predict of this upcoming economic downturn

If anyone comes across any sources for these events that support my arguments please feel free to add in comments, reblogs, etc.

This concise list is mainly for my own reference, but it would be great to add to it if any one has something to add!

0.5. US Stock market collapse-- I have no desire to try and predict this one exactly. Too many conspiracies are actually correct about this big guy. Lets just say 7 US Tech stocks are worth 25% of the entire worlds market, roughly. "Too big to fail"-- I believe is the phrase

1. Corporate (slightly later will be residential by extension) real estate crisis: currently way too overvalued. Most of the houses, land, & urban corporate property we see could stand to decrease by about 60-90% from its current price.

2. Bankruptcy crisis: similar to the after-effects of the 70s inflation-- we can expect to see a huge wave of bankruptcies affecting a variety of business: from the micro-self employed; to the small business with leased buildings; to the largest corporations who commit massive accounting fraud & hope to escape accountability in time

3. Bank runs-- there is an extremely high overreliance on the Federal Reserve, who does not have good control over this situation. Once it becomes clear that there is a crisis (we call this a catalyst event)-- bank runs for physical cash are a surety. Hard to say how long a crisis like this might last. I should ask my siblings who lived near the SVB bank crisis hotspot (but those were rich fucks they do their "bank runs" over the phone)

3.5. Global currency collapse, which takes effect in every single local, state, & national economy at slightly different times. This means prices lower. Much lower. But takes time

4. Whatever the fuck the geopolitics is gonna do???. Its weird. You got Russia wanting to invade Europe? (Look at global economic forum 2024) Trump wants to let them. Biden wants to be an establishment corporate ass. North Korea has changed its #1 public enemy to South Korea (dont remember my source but it was a couple months ago). USA is stationing more troops in Taiwan, but probably only because of semiconductor technology?

The scope of our global financial woes are larger than can be explained in any of our lifetimes. Its much, much closer to pre-revolution France or the late 1920s. Big change is coming. Itll be soon

5. More to come

[leminhthinking]

"add something, if youd like" ok, here is something i used a throwaway account to comment on the Double MV. i didnt reread so i didnt remember anything about it sorry but there probably is mention about internalized ableism. also personal experience. its kinda shaped like a rant

posting it here now that i came out about being plural here. yeah.

tldr (theres another tldr at the end of it but it was from the time i commented and i want to add something else here) i love representations

I keep finding myself wanting to comment something under this video, but I know I'll say stuffs about myself that I feel would be unsafe to share using my main so I'm using this throwaway account to do it instead 😔

I just want to say that I'm so grateful that Mikoto and John (and maybe other alters in their system too? saying this just in case) were ever written. Being a system who had just discovered that only over a year ago, I can almost see myself, no, I can almost see *us* in every part of their story up until now. And in a way, I feel like I've also... grown with them? If that makes sense?

I have been following MILGRAM for quite a while, enough to be there when MeMe was just released. Back then, I still thought that I was certainly a singlet (didn't have DID), despite how one of my alters - I will refer to her as my sister from now - showed up pretty regularly at the time. That's why when I watched MeMe, I remember thinking to myself, "oh shit, this guy's just like me, and because [insert internalized ableism here] I'm saying he guilty then." But then we all know what's got confirmed 😂 Funniest thing is, a short while before that, I also came to term about being a system. Dammit, to think about it, it felt like a second confirmation 😭😭😭😭

Now that I have accepted who we really are, the release of Double and their second voice drama feels exceptionally special to me, as the host of our system. John and Mikoto's situation right now really reminds me of us last year. My sister and I specifically, respectively. At that time, I tried hard to deny the fact that I am not alone in my head, and that we are entirely separate people. It took me a while (with a few tarot spreads. fuck. I'm a Mikoto kinnie now) to know that we actually are... and some actual, honest conversations to know that she actually loved me, rather than wanting to harm me... Yeah. Yeah. You see what I'm talking about? That's why I'm really rooting for Mikoto and John to have better communication... Ah, maybe if Mikoto watched "his" own second trial MV, he would understand...

That being said, I'm still not sure on what to vote... When I first watched Double and listened to the second voice drama, I thought to myself, ouch, ok, guilty because John clearly seems to be the alter who knows more right now and that would keep him fronting more to interrogate. But after a while, my opinion... changed? I don't want Mikoto to be affected too much from the verdict and maybe going dormant because of that. John maybe still there for the interrogation but fuck, I don't think he's ever been without Mikoto for a long time and I'd hate to see his heart breaks. Maybe innocent is the better solution after all for the whole system, as it might soothe Mikoto's mood and his mindset. I also trust that MILGRAM's writer team know what they are doing and therefore would not "kill off" John. Maybe they will just let him be inactive for a while if they are voted innocent, given that he's finally satisfied with our decision...

(Yes, I do know innocent = forgiven and guilty = not forgiven and I'm deciding while knowing that. I'm just calling them innocent and guilty because I'm more used to it while speaking in English.)

Hmm, that was a longer rant than I expected. I don't know how to conclude really, so I'll say something that would sound entirely unrelated 😔 If I remember correctly, prisoners can hear us audiences right? If that's really true, I just want to scream to Mikoto and John that it's 100% ok to be a system! To not be alone inside your mind! To exist alongside another person in your system and love them! It's ok to just be yourselves! And please please please fucking find a way to communicate with each other!!!

Once again, thank you MILGRAM for letting them exist... I really hold them so dearly in our heart...

TL;DR: local system getting emotional over Mikoto and John, rooting for them to have better communication.

[agentlemansavage]

A Letter to you.

When you came into my life, I was caught off guard. Honestly, I don't think anyone could ever be fully ready for someone like you. I had pretty much given up on finding love and was okay with being on my own. But meeting you flipped my world upside down.

We had talked several times before but every time something about you stuck with me I can't really put my finger on it but every time for the short times we did talk I was captivated. We clicked on so many different levels and for one reason or another we always had to stop, until this last time where we actually really got to spend some time together and as it turned out you embodied everything I had ceased searching for; your radiant beauty, your infectious laughter, the way you effortlessly blend elegance with your nerdy, dorky charm. Hell even the passion you showed with your job and the things you worked towards in life. You are lightning in a bottle, showing me things I didn't even know I wanted and before I knew it I was in love. How could I not be?

From the beginning, you told me you wanted us to start out as friends, and I really did want that too, buti didn't know how we could accomplish that with how we were already feeling about each other. The best choice was for us to place everything on pause and give you space but neither of us wanted that. I wish I had heard you and listened and chosen to give you that space to work on yourself like you needed. Maybe then, I would have realized the things I needed to work on as well. Instead, I ignored everything, thinking that you were okay with this, and charged headfirst into us. I believed we could work on ourselves while also embracing the feelings we shared for each other. I have this habit of romanticizing everything and that belief I think accounts for alot of how I think and what I belive. It makes me very irrational, I never would have thought the romantic in me would be an issue.

It didn't take long for our messages to become full blown converstations. Ones admittedly I never wanted to end, and really thats when I first noticed the changes in me. I was happy, for the first time in what felt like years this woman who i barely knew was making me smile like an idiot all day. For context here I'm a man who gets bored of people after 2 or 3 converstations. I knew i was in deep when i started making you a playlist But as I've admitted, I wasn't ready. We were both navigating our own healing, and the presence of each other offered a sanctuary from our individual struggles. In the comfort you provided, I was able to ignore my demons and It wasn't fair to either of us for me to rely on you the way that I did. I don't want to sit here and make excuses for my actions, there were many many things I was unaware I was doing wrong. Alot of this breaks down to poor communication and I'm sorry that I failed to understand you and didn't talk about the things we needed to talk about.

Flying out to see you was perhaps the second biggest mistake. I packed a coloring book and I went shopping for new clothes; Hell I even made sure you picked out my new shoes, and made sure to bring a suit just incase we wanted to be fancy and have dinner somewhere. Admittedly I didnt know what to expect, I was just so excited for this to be something and I wanted so badly to impress you so much so i got my favorite recipe with my mom to cook with you. We had made plans once before that fell apart and it had been a few months of us talking. I know it was inconvient with work and I thought that was the biggest concern with me coming down. I didn't realize the weight of what you were dealing with. I forced you into situations you weren't ready for emotionally and physically. There isn't words to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to know It all came from a good intentioned place, I know you enjoyed parts of that weekend as well and the memories we made like dancing to Sinatra in the kitchen or making up lives for people we watched in the penthhouse will stay with me forever. You have said you don't regret it however just know that If I could start over and do it differently I would have given you more time and space to be ready.

In the six months we spent together, time had seemed to bend in unexpected ways, flipping between fast-forward and slow-motion. It's kinda crazy how it's shown me so much about myself and what we had, making everything seem super intense yet over too quick. You encouraged me to be better and i tried to do the same, setting bedtimes, encouraging eachother to go back to therapy, trying to set a workout schedule. It's been a mix of really good stuff and some tough lessons, especially about facing up to my own actions. Yet, as I've witnessed you drifting away, the weight of my earlier mistakes has become painfully clear. It's tough to see the distance my actions have caused between us, and I deeply regret not taking the steps sooner to address the issues on my end. In our time apart, I've been focusing on self-improvement, doing the work I should have started from the beginning, fully aware that actions speak louder than words, and wishing I had realized this sooner. I still miss you, I miss watching our shows, our little stardew valley home and i even miss overwatch hell i play it just because i miss you, i miss my friends telling me to say hi to you because they knew i was talking to you on the phone, i miss what we had, but mostly i just miss talking to you and hearing your voice. I miss my best friend, and I'd do almost anything to get her back.

They say timings a bitch, In our case it has never really been on our side. Despite everything, I i still believe in the potential of us and our real life fairytale disney type of love story in case your wondering this is the part of the book where everything comes crashing down. Like every good story things have to get bad before they can become better; I know things between us are strained right now but I remain hopeful that, in time, you’ll heal and possibly give us another chance, even if just as friends. But if not, I want you to know how grateful I am for every moment you’ve been part of my life. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

You’ve taught me a lot, about love, about fighting through tough times, and about myself. You made me better in almost everywhere. I apologize for my part in making everything so difficult, I promise you to do better in the future. No matter what happens next, you’ve got this special place in my heart. I love you, and more than anything, I want you to find happiness, even if it turns out I’m not the one to share that with you. You deserve that.

With all my heart and hope for our future,

Ryan

[skunaskitten]

269 followers!

Ahhh when did i get 269 followers ;)

The last time i remember it was almost at two hundred. I been so blind to it i just checked it.

This means so much to me to get this far in a short time that my other accounts been here for three years and just barely passed two hundred. I didnt expect this to be such a big hit for me. Just writting stories for people to enjoy regarless if they follow are not i dont mind if long as everyone gets to enjoy and read them.

The tears!!!!

All of you are amazing and the friends i made on here will always have a special place in my writers heart.

I know i been slowing down recently due to work and the holidays. Also dont want to burn myself out on pumping so many stories. There are a lot more wips i added that i am currently working on. So more stories will be coming soon.

sukuna appreciates your support and love!

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag 🎅

Yeah it was me who sent that greeting 😁 I didn't want to bother you with a long message, so I kept it short and simple hahaha

How are you? How was Christmas morning? Did you get some good presents?

I want that heat.. yeah, today it is at 9 degrees, will snow sometime later and there's wind chill of -2. So I am bundled up while working.

So I made the tiramisu..with a little twist. Have you ever had biscoff cookies? Instead of the lady fingers, I used that. Let me tell you.. it was amazing. Then I almost made this thing called a mango float.. it's a dessert from the Philippines and it's like a frozen cake. It was so good too.

The ham, it was a small 2 lb honey ham.. it came out perfect. I was very happy and content with the food yesterday. I ate an extra slice of the ham just for you. I thought to myself, "poor lefty eyebag, she is going to have turkey, while I am enjoying this nice honey ham...oh well" 🤣🤣

Hm so when I listened to that song, it made me think about something like a chaotic couple. Someone is obsessed with the other person but the other person is just stringing them along because they like the attention. The person that's obsessed is okay with it though and doesn't want to let it go.

I know what you mean about tumblr being a safe space hahaha when I was younger, I had a different tumblr account,and it was filled with angst and it was my diary. Of course now I don't know what the username and stuff is for it, and I think I deleted that tumblr.

Aw its good that Emily is having her fun since she is with her cousins! Poor adults though who can't sleep in hahaha but at least the best thing is to see the kids happy and enjoying themselves! Did she like all her presents from grandma?

What foods did you get from the Indonesian place? Was it all good like you expected it to be?

I hope you enjoy your Christmas celebrations 😁 don't party it up too much though, you aren't as young as you were... just kidding 😂

-CuriousGeorge

Hii hii curious corn-punn righty eyebag!

How r u? How is everything after christmas? Tell me what did i miss..😁

I'm back! Haha. Sorry for the late answer.. the last days of the trip were busier because we tried to do more stuff n hang out more. I went to my friend's christmas party though. Had some great indonesian food, my friend made huckleberry champagne mule too n it was so good! I had a few of that n some shots. 😅

Christmas morning was fun,Em got a lot of presents n she didnt even know where to start n she was kinda done opening gifts.after opened some.lol. one of my brother in law got covid so he n his family couldnt come to have turkey dinner with us.

We made turkey dinner with corn bread casserole, sweet potato casserole with marshmellow, gravy, mashed potato, sweet rolls, stuffing and candied carrot.

Wow the tiramissu u made sounds really good! I wish i could try some. I found a new place that sells tiramisu n it has espresso with grand marnier liquor in it. Oh my god! It's so good! I love it. It's one of the best i hv had.

Did u do the mango desert too? Aww did u really think of me when u ate that ham?😆 honey baked ham is so good, i love it.haha.

N yes thats a really good theory u got from that Glass Animals song. I love it, the relationship sounds toxic. 😅 but i bet it will be fun to write.

Yes, Em likes all the presents she got. She is so spoiled haha.

Well the indonesian restaurant i went was the one i used to go so i already know how good their food r. I bought 3 different dishes. 1 panfried thin rice noodle thats kinda the same with philipines pancit noodle i think.. 1 chickem poridge with curry sauce n spicy, with chunks of fried bread n green onions n i also got something thats called ketoprak. It's hard to explain but u can google it. It's a dish with thin rice noodle, with steamed rice cake, tofu, sprout n with garlic peanut sauce n some friedncrackers.

The desert i got is a thick pancake cut in half n folded with some toppings in the middle of it. I got the chocolate peanut one.

Now, the curious Q & A session is back.. so give me next question, curious george.😅😆🤭

Cheerio!

[napapamahal]

WJKASHFJAS OKOK before i get off anon

M SHY DIDNT EXPECT U TO ANSWER BUT OMF JAJAJA okok i understand, I HAVE TO ADMIT m p sure id be into other teams din and not just gsw (olkdk hater ka pala super sorry to bring them up kung nauncomfy ka huhuhu it’s ayt w me tho i don mind, youre lovely nonetheless). id love to get into other teams. im fond of the mavs!!! i alr love Luka and Kyrie bcs i just see them being talked abt a lot. but pls, ok lang ba kung baka pwede kang magbigay ng mga sources pra ma-crash course aq about ball and etc and the lore? sux being a casual kasi nalilimit ung paginteract q kasi ayoko kayong i-annoy and etc. bale kung sasabihin, prang i got into ball dahil sa hype dahil sa recent olympics??? ik, ik it’s lowly of me huhuh,,, but id really love to get into it, ndi q lang alam paano ssimulahin…

salamat sa pag-eentertain ng ask q…

HI PLS ‘WAG KA NA MAG-ANON, CUTIE TT talk to me through messages para i can give u more chikas about bball pero i can give you the gist naman here. to know more PLS message me, kasi i don't think kakasya rito sa post lahat ng infos ko. DON'T BE SHY !!

running joke ko lang ‘yon na hater ako ng gsw WHHAJJAHAJA though i do hate the franchise, hindi naman ako uncomfortable kung you will talk about them (kasi offseason pa siguro??? LOL fuck u gsw).

but yea, kasi i started REALLY watching nba games im pretty young pa around 7 or 8 years old so me being THIS loud about basketball is really just... idk it's ‘organic’ siguro. i have nothing to tell u about how i rlly got into this kasi it's really just me and games, i just analyze the numbers and know the players din, ig???

pero i got really addicted to it when i started reading fanfics on ao3 so that's pretty much it WHAAJHAJAHA ayon lang ‘yong journey ko. pero i can suggest siguro na you can watch those longass hours-long nba documentation videos available on youtube (because that helped me a lot knowing the mavs) either with the official nba channel or i highly suggests random channels about the team you want to explore the most!

pero for starters, parang hierarchy ang nba teams(this is in terms of placing, championship appearances): mavericks, celtics, thunder, timberwolves, knicks (siguro??? because of villanova bros) ang contenders (imho based on what i saw this last nba finals, offseason), pistons and hornets naman ang medyo nasa lower part.

may debate between who's the nba goat na obv michael jordan vs lebron james... i might fight u on that... JK!

a huge percentage of twitter users also helped me knowing a lot about players. twitter posts are really a must go if you want to know more about how your favorite player plays, if he's goated or washed, or anything. it's really a variety in there, i just hope you don't see toxic accounts. speaking of which, nbacentel is also a twitter account that makes SATIRICAL tweets about players. it might seem real, but it's not.

more about them through pms na lang here because YAHHHH i can't put them all here. pero what i'll discuss to you through messages are: kd's burner account, josh giddey, the fucked up gsw franchise, lebron and kyrie, how luka might be the best nba player from this decade, and many more.

ALSO. don't worry, i've encountered a lot of casuals already and i'm good with talking to them. i just hated most of those people because yeah they're the same people who called klay “washed” because of a single game. the same people who hate and laugh at kyrie. the same people who dickride lebron I MEAN YEAH all of the things i hate, they're doing it. but since you're here, i'm afraid you're not a casual anymore!!!

so pls talk to me rn pls pls 🙏🏼 literally on my KNEES. i'll give you the drive link ng mga republika ng nba edits ko, PLS message me na WHAJAJAKAHSJJS!!!

chikahin pa kita about this more through private messages so gew.

[scoupsahoy]

speedran the stages of grief in less than a week and this is just the culmination of that

i just think that if you are best friends with someone for five years and lived with them and their girlfriend for two years that maybe they have a right to know why you stopped talking to them right before you got engaged and why you're not inviting them to your wedding

i like. i don't even want an invite anymore i just want to know why you don't like me.

clearly something happened, maybe it was when i was upset about you being inconsiderate to me over over again in the last year of our friendship and you didn't like it and never apologized, maybe it's that i don't have the money your girlfriend does, maybe you think i'm immature or annoying or going nowhere in life, maybe you don't like my girlfriend, or maybe your girlfriend doesn't like me (though they have at least pretended to want me in their lived and even wished me a happy birthday when you didnt), or maybe youve wanted me out of your life for years and i just couldn't take a hint

i don't even care what it is at this point. i just want like some kind of acknowledgement that either you're treating me in a way i don't deserve, or you DO think i deserve to be treated this way. or maybe you've stopped caring about me a long long time ago and haven't thought about my feelings at all. maybe you haven't cared to notice how you've been treating me.

of course i won't get any of that. and i have to be fine with it. i have to stop expecting things from people. i have to stop expecting an explanation as to why people don't like me anymore. it's hardest i think because you were my best friend for so long (and i know i was never yours) and you knew how much hurt id felt with things like this

it's just so funny because i was so upset when i heard about the engagement because i KNEW you were going to propose because you told me your plan last year, and i had offered to hide in the bushes and take video and pictures, but i found out you did it on twitter. for a week i was in shock because i thought i was the kind of friend you call and tell that youre getting married. and it turns out i'm not even the kind of friend you invite to the wedding. isn't that sad.

i'm the friend who has to ask if im going to get a save the date that i know you sent out, and get and impersonal "hey! you're not. sorry!" which, well. i'm not much of a friend at all i guess.

it hurts from both of you so much, but you and i had a fake wedding once. you picked out and named my cat. we talked about adopting and raising kids together. my parents don't understand why one of the only friends of mine theyve ever loved isn't in my life anymore and i don't have an answer and i never will and it's not because we had a fight it's because you stopped caring about me and that's just. i guess what happens to people when they grow up.

i'm fine to send you memes on twitter and wish you happy birthday and think of you on fridays when i do karaoke a two minute drive from your apartment even though you never come when i invite you and even though we used to love to sing together. i'm fine to type out this pathetically long post on an account you would never see because i'm not the kind of friend that you would even want to hear this from.

i'm fine because i do have other friends that care about me and love me and enjoy my company. i have friends from college and friends who would travel the ten minutes to hang out with me because they would want to if they lived that close. i have friends who have traveled hours to see me. i have friends who wish me happy birthday and i have friends who want me to be happy when it's not my birthday. ive made good friends who i sing with and who invite me to hang out with them when we aren't singing. i have friends who would tell me theyre engaged even if we haven't spoken in a while and i have friends who want me to come to their wedding. i have friends who would probably put me in their wedding.

so i will be okay. because i think i actually am a good friend. and other people think so too even if you don't. even if neither of you ever even did.

[thegreatimpersonator]

MEG is started the new job today and im excited, the whole company seems very well organized which i really like

but and hour before that i had a whole panic induced adventure

because you see, i took my husbands name last year but i didnt change the banking info for my international account because of the old client invoices, in case its an issue

but today, i had to do that so i can submit payment info for this company

anyway, i submitted all my documentation to get in approved and hopped on the customer support chat to ask if it's gonna be an issue for the old invoices with my maiden name

i waited about an hour and in that time the documentation got all approved. i got an email about it and everything and so i opened to see the account. lo and behold, all my funds and cards were blocked. so i started panicking. aside from waiting my turn in the customer support chat queue, there was little else i could do. so i waited for another 40ish minutes. once i got through i told them i had another question but everything in my account was blocked which was a more pressing matter. and i asked when it would be unblocked. they told me my account was under mandatory review and would take a little bit so i had to wait. but upon asking how long i had to wait for, they couldn't tell me aside from "a little bit, please be patient"

so i googled it and found people complaining that their stuff got blocked on the same platform for MONTHS before finally GETTING THEIR ACCOUNTS DELETED WITH ALL THE MONEY IN THEM, THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ALL GONE

i started panicking more and kept asking the customer support employee for a benchmark timeline, and they finally relented and said it would take a few days before it's settled and id get an email for any next steps

i said thanks and hopped off the chat

and then i realized I HAD TWO HOURS UNTIL I START WORK AND NEED THE ACCOUNT INFO FOR THE CLIENT TO PAY ME

so i hopped on another customer support chat and explained that its kinda urgent and im having borderline panic attacks and finally i got a better answer: 24-48 hours

okay i could panic wait for 24-48 hours no problem

and then i thanked them for the help, logged off and started refreshing my email - nothing. i checked the account again just in case - AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE

holy hell

i love how fast they work and the quality of work but CMON so i sent another message telling them they should probably inform customers when encountering situations like this that the account gets blocked so they can manage expectations better

PHEW! i spent a couple of hours thinking i could never work again (this is the only payment service that actually works in my country)

BUT WE'RE FINE THANK GOD

YOU HAD ME STRESSING FOR A SECOND THERE dkdkdjdjd I'm glad everything worked out!!! And woot what an adventurous first day hahaha, I'm sure everything that follows will be breezy and smooth going now!!

[boyfhee]

hehe, i know and thanks for the jay fic, in enjoyed reading it ^^ well thanks for the blassing but am still not ready :] and ill tell her to do well in her boards (from you who said it)

pcm is no fun, there is no reproduction to laugh at :/ i have fear of them and that was the only, only reason for me to not choose pcb... my mom wanted me to become a gynaecologist :( sadly, it wont be true... yeaa apothorax, i font know but yea medicine is still a lot to take it.

i just watched random fs programme and only hanyu was the one i knew, i didnt go in deep but yes, i still love fs... and for the coding languages, once again thanks ^^ atleast you mentioned what to learn bevause i dont know where to start :0

anyways, my fav album is border : day one and my fav track is all time flicker and let me in. my fav bsides would be chaconne, bills, upper side dreamin, prdx, mixed up and title track would be sweet venom, tamed-dashed and drunk-dazed :)

if you have an instagram account or ny other apps talk, i would love to know it and know you more ++ the fact that you are chiyuv (my fav writer back in 22' :0 i am in tears. i never went through your old mlist until today, so nostalgia hit me hard... your how to get back with ur ex + fair and square + unlikelihood are my favssss 😭😭😭😭😭 ill trade my spy x family manga for them to reread if they were to disappear some day 🥲

i stopped using tumblr in late 2022 and started using it now + stopped writing way back in early 2021 because my mom got to know my writing acc for enha on ig 😭😭) i wanna talk more about everything with you but tumblr feels like we are in a long distance relationship, where we get our letters once in a blue moon 🥲

— lover club anon <33

sweets, i'm telling you reproduction is only fun when you're studying penis and vagina but not the mechanism TT i was going thru hell in embryology lectures 🙏 also, it's neet's fav chapter i'm lowkey bored of it. we studied it sm times that there was an ongoing joke in our class that next lecture will be based on practical and visual learning 😭 also a gynaec :O that's cool ! i'm aiming for cardio-thoracic / neurosurgery, although more inclined towards the former ( imagine five years later i'm a doctor while still crying over jay )

one of my friends was a huge fs fanatic so she made me get into it and it's fun, honestly :> and you don't have to worry about coding yet ! once classes start, i think you'll get a good idea of where to start from. although, html is usually the basic ( in my case, it was? we learnt it before anything ) and then css cause that's a bit more advanced. we took html css and python together, but javascript was only for pcm + cs students. i hope you have fun learning how to code ^^

FLICKER IS SO GOOD TT i remember looping it for hours while writing my lab manuals lmfao. and upperside dreaming too it has such a nice melody :O i'm gna be honest i didn't like prdx at first but then it grew up on me and now it's one of my fav tracks :D chaconne 🙏 no one knows her like me. when the tl was ranking it last on the basis of highlight medley i had faith in it because anything titled chaconne can't go wrong i have proof to back this up ( it's so serious for me can u believe this ) me and a close moot had out daily chaconne stream sessions lmfao

drunk-dazed aged like wine because it sounds like the first time every time i listen to it :] my favs are bite me, sweet venom, blessed-cursed, ptm, i know if only you say yes will be on the list too the moment it's released because that melody and humming is stuck in my head ><

AND TRADING SPY X FAMILY IS CRAZY ??? pls i didn't expect you to be here for so long but i'm glad you remember chiyuv .. what an era 0_0 my instagram is beusoir if you want to follow and discord is znghao. i would love to talk more, just hmu on insta or disc ^^

[lifeimpending]

Hello, it's been almost another year. I'm really bad at updating this account, but I don't really know if I need it anymore the way I needed it when I started it. But last time I wrote I said I was slipping, slipping into a depression I couldn't stop, well, at that moment I thought it would be a few days, maybe a few weeks, a couple of months at most. That last bout of depression lasted around 6 months. Half a year. That's where half of the year went. Sucked into a spiral. I thought I would be fine because I got through the worst of it, I got through my dad's chemo, I got through the 6 days a week, I got through losing my best friend at the time, but what I didn't expect was all of the feelings I had suppressed and didn't let myself feel to catch up with me, all at once. Even though I had friends around me I felt isolated and anxious, the first week of August was the only time I felt relaxed and happy. Lollapalooza was exactly what I needed, time away from everything, with a friend and great music. But when I came back I was shoved back into it all. The same routine over and over, stressed, trying to find happiness, chasing it. But you can't find it by chasing it and I hadn't cut out the source of my heartbreak. I still haven't fully, I'm doing it slowly and hoping they don't noticed. I've just realized recently I had my first heart break and it wasn't from who you would think. My first love was unrequited and I was aware and okay watching her find her love, my first relationship was a man I was nowhere in love with but got attention from, my beloved, I truly cared about, but it wasn't working, it wouldn't have lasted the way we wanted it to. I knew that these would happen. But then I fell hard and fast for a boy that didnt even like me back, that used me and told me sweet words that I wanted to hear and gave me confidence that I never thought I would have and then stopped talking to me without a word, but he was still there close friends with people I considered friends, so I had to live with him around. But he truly broke my heart and shattered my confidence. I tried so many things to get it back not even knowing what had happened, where it had gone till I gave up. I stopped focusing on what I thought would make me happy, like the old days and started focusing on me, on Sam. And I think that's when it started to come back. I started taking time for myself, started writing again, getting these thoughts out and not trapped and drawing, reading, crocheting and not forcing myself to do any of those if I didn't want to. I'm focusing on myself and allowing myself to feel the way I do, and giving myself time to breathe. I'm stopping drinking energy drinks, I'm not taking naps anymore so I have more time to do things during the day and I'm trying to be healthier but not deprive myself from little treats because what is life without a little treat. I'm not saying I'm completely healed, that I'm not depressed anymore, I'm very much still am, I just am out of that hurtle, that long months of feeling low and unworthy almost every second of the day. I'm doing okay, and I am taking it easy. I am planning on moving soon, so that I can't be close with the family that knows me and loves me for me. I'm also going to Chicago for lolla again. I'm trying to write a book. My brother's getting married which is so exciting. And Loki is doing great my little beans.

Maybe I'll go back to this, but I promise nothing

Because life is worth living, so get out there and start.

We both deserve the best

-Ira

[mu-pt1]

fear

growing up isnt a feeling I ever expected to experience. I thought id have passed long ago. from the moment I realized that im just a little different at the ripe age of 10 to still trying to connect with life at the age im at now, ive been in a constant state of trying to fit in. so much so that I didnt plan much for the future. my only plan is to work with animals and if that doesnt work out, im not sure what else to fall back on. soon, ill be an adult. soon, ill have to actually grow up and stop falling back into my childish ways when things go a little wrong. as I sit in my room, candles lit, windows open staring out into the dark forest night, I feel a sense of peace though. im not sure what im doing but im doing it and im trying my best. I hope all goes well. I love my boyfriend dearly. I say that about a lot of guys that ive talked to/dated so I wont bother trying to convince you that I truly do love him. I think I love hard and suffer harder as a result of it. im fearful he may play me like the rest have but im fine with it. ill cry and then ill get over it like I always have. people wonder why I move on so fast but I have no choice. life wont pause just because something went wrong in my life as much as I wish it would. my number one fear is to be left behind and forgotten about. so to beat this, I move on quick in the effort of staying caught up. someone breaks my heart, I cry, and then I move on. I cant stay behind otherwise ill be stuck behind. if I could get the moment to grieve, I would. but unfortunately, life just simply doesnt work like that. Ive gotten used to the fact that people you love are going to hurt you. theres no way to avoid that. hiding from that and denying it will only have you denying yourself. denying and hiding from yourself is the last thing you want to do. I often time feel alone. sometimes I like it but then I remember that sometimes, I truly am alone. this is where that painful feeling creeps in. its like a pinch that you just cant stop. a rock in your throat that you just cant cry out. I wish that I could get people to pay attention to me but we're all living our own lives and who am I to beg someone to stop and look at me for just a moment? this is why I dont blame attention seekers for being the people that they are. we all want attention in some way. some of us just go about it the wrong way. I was one of them. I used to show off my body. when that wouldnt work, id start arguments. when that wouldn't work, id show off how bad I had hurt myself. when even that wouldnt work, id lock myself away and accept the fact that no one truly cared. to battle through that is a scary and very excruciating feeling. its a feeling I dont want anyone to have the pain of experiencing. this is why im so giving to others and always help whenever I can. from human to animal. I dont want anyone to experience what I felt. to think what I thought. thats why I made this account. to let others battling the same issues as me to know that there is someone who understands that pain down to the waking up with excitement and then realizing theres nothing to be excited about.