#i love u and auston matthews certainly does

[korolrezni-nikolai]

i need this interview tattooed on my brain

[sergeifyodorov]

i could read a million of these character asks <33 would love one for jt of leafs pjs fame and alexander ovechkin

I already knew about ovi from cultural osmosis, so I’m pretty sure I just thought of him as That Big Russian Guy Who Scores All The Goals. you know how it is.

unfortunately, i can remember my first encounter with john tavares in much more clarity. Picture this. 2021. NHL playoffs. I’m tuning in casually to watch a hockey game, plenty of which I’ve seen before but none of which i have consciously paid attention to, as I am now about to.

john tavares plays three minutes before --

i turn the television off, not to pick up hockey again until christmas.

IMPRESSION NOW

Ovechkin: DILF OF MY DREAMSSSSSS. kind of walks the line between the erotic and terrifying… he’s big and sexy sure but he’s also 240 pounds of pure freight train muscle and he DOES not get injured. Remember svech Trying It? remember svech trying It and getting knocked out in a couple punches? Ovi doesn’t even look like he’s TRYING, and svech, while being young, is no wimp, but he’s absolutely nothing compared to the absolute brick wall that is ovi. Also his power play technique freaks me out. He literally just stands there and waits for u to send him one timers. and it works

this is the shot density map for washington’s power play this year. Can you tell where ovi stands

yeah. 

anyway i also think besides his big scarysexydilfy power he also has this sort of genre-aware whimsy that makes him just absolutely fascinating. it kind of reminds me of chucky in a way and it absolutely makes sense charisma-wise that ovi was The Cool One and sid (mcdavid in our tkachuk analogy) was obviously better albeit less popular for the casual fan, who likes the shiny sparky one and perhaps does not have a finer eye for the true step-above skill that davo and sid have.

Tavares: from one dilf to another… anon u have chosen well. jt like ovi is a virgo, a captain, a werewolf, a first overall pick, and a dilf, but the similarities end there i think… jt is a lot quieter and his sense of authority over his team feels a lot more “democratically chosen figurehead” than ovi’s natural alpha pheromones or whatever. As a player i think he’s really quite underrated -- his footspeed has obviously slipped away from him as he ages, but he’s never been fast or agile and has kind of always been a lot more reliant on his intellect and upper-body dexterity than his skating. I think he’s got this steady internal peace that really comes off to a lot of us as Boring Man (and that’s not entirely false per se) but more importantly that he has this willful internal compass that few hockeys have. that he chose to leave the islanders like that is not something that can be overstated i think; he was offered more by the isles and the sharks and i believe at least one other place, too, but he picked. He CHOSE. Most hockeys who have that kind of first-overall captaincy expectation/franchise saviour mantle on their head like he did for the Island are trapped; he was not. AND HE’S SEXY

FAV MOMENT

Ovechkin: the out-knocking of andrei svechnikov is not my fav moment but it’s certainly iconique… ovi is old and has several Moments so im gonna list a few:

the goal from his back, without which we may not have auston matthews in his current capacity

Any of the million anecdotes where he shows up in denim shorts so tiny everyone tells him to go home and change

sidovi duelling hattricks night

Really any time he cellies by just jumping on TOP of his teammates, presumably all of which are smaller and significantly more fragile than him

hahaha ice tweet

partying in the vegas fountains with the cup

Tavares: instead of providing you with several small moments i will instead provide you with The Big One: CURSEBREAKING GOAL. nuff said. to many more.

IDEA FOR STORY

Ovechkin: his age as a vet and his nebulous genre awareness make him really an ideal man for something weird. real “talking about the nature of the metaphysics that hold hockey together” type fic. also because he is such a mother hen of all the caps he deserves to take a few of them on a road trip to solve some problems… maybe we can get some baby cap who is having a Moment when confronted with A Dilf. dylan strome seems like he would take any opportunity to ~service~ his amazingly talented generational captain and of course his winger.

Tavares: say it with me: JT/ROR werewolf/vampire au (jt is the werewolf)

UNPOPULAR OPINION

Ovechkin: if the nhl weren’t cowards they wouldve marketed him as a sex symbol in the late aughts

Tavares: if the nhl weren’t cowards they would’ve marketed him as a sex symbol in the early 2010s

FAV RELATIONSHIP

Ovechkin: i actually was never an nhl fan during nicke backstrom’s time so as much as i appreciate a good Duo marriage type deal im not like. Familiar enough with Nicke for any of it. so i suppose i have to come out of the little glass closet im in as a SIDOVI WARRIOR

Tavares: now he is not nearly as slutty as ovi so we mostly have to appreciate him looking like That without shipping. although he did confess to quote liking “bossing [Willy] around a little bit” so. there’s that. also through my campaign to make the bolts more popular (so i can enjoy more narrative while getting colour confused on our yearly playoff matchup) i should remind you all that he and stamkos are CHILDHOOD FRIENDS and both wear 91 because of the other. think on that

FAV HEADCANON

Ovechkin: we’re getting into magical realism fic au type deals but he is one of the nhlers who inherently Has Powers. look some nhlers just Have Powers and he is one of em. no sidney crosby does not he is just autistic and a hockey freak. no auston matthews does not he is just a virgo and gay. quinnifer and mcdavid definitely do and machuk definitely does not. back to ovi he’s got some weird seeing beyond the veil shit goin on

Tavares: now we know he likes celine dion so i think really he’s got tastes in music that are a lot more reminiscent of your standard suburban fifty-something white milf than what he is, which is a thirty-something toronto dad. we ARE listening to shania twain together and you have to deal with that

[maple-leafing]

Auston Matthews Fluff Alphabet

A = Attractive. What do they find attractive about the other?

Auston loves your eyes. He could spend hours just staring into them like they hold the word within them.

You love love love his smile. There’s no denying that when he smiles, there’s a warmth that spread through your entire body.

B = Baby. Do they want a family? Why/Why not?

Of course! Auston has always wanted a family. Sure he’s young and can be kind of reckless at times, but he’s always seen himself settling down and having a large family that he can share his love with.

C = Cuddle. How do they cuddle?

Auston definitely likes being the big spoon. He enjoys running his hands through your hair while you’re cuddling.

D = Dates. What are dates with them like?

Casual. He doesn’t like going all out because it can make both you, and him feel uncomfortable. He prefers when you’re both in your element, the kind of dates where you can be yourselves and not have to worry about expectations.

E = Everything. You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…)

You are his sun. Everything you do brightens his world for the better. Auston can see everything clearer and understands life for what it is.

He is your heart. Auston makes you feel alive and pushes you to do things outside of your comfort zone. He brings out the passion in the things you do, and everything you are.

F = Feelings. When did they know they were falling in love?

Auston was terrified. He didn’t catch feeling easily, or hardly at all. When he fell for you in a matter of months, he didn’t know what to do. He knew he’d fallen hard when he’d seen you laughing and dancing around with Patrick Marleau’s kids. The way you were so carefree and yet gentle, he couldn’t want anything more.

G = Gentle. Are they gentle? If so, how?

Mmm it depends. Auston is as passionate as they come so he can be rougher, but most of the time he’s gentle and calming. He always makes you feel safe but he can be unpredictable at times.

H = Holding Hands. How do they like to hold hands?

Auston likes to link your hands together, especially when you’re in public. He likes showing you off because he feels lucky to be with you.

I = Impression. First impression/s?

You thought he was kind of a dick and you ended up telling him off. He thought you were uptight. You didn’t really get along in the beginning, but things definitely escalated from there.

J = Joker. Are they into pulling pranks?

Auston’s not really a prankster. Because Willy and Mitch are such high energy trouble makers, he doesn’t feel he needs to be. He feels a lot of pressure to be more mature and you understand that. That doesn’t mean you won’t pull the occasional prank on him though.

K = Kiss. How do they kiss?

Passionate. Your kisses are always fiery. Sometimes they’re softer, but most of the time they’re more rough, fast, and passionate.

L = Love. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

Surprisingly him, although he didn’t mean for it to slip out. He was so terrified you didn’t feel the same way that early into your relationship that he told you to forget about it. You didn’t take that at all and told him you loved him too. You have a tendency not to take his bullshit and when he’s too afraid to show you how much he loves you, you’re not afraid to show him how much you love him.

M = Memory. What’s their favourite memory together?

Definitely the time you first kissed. You’d both been arguing over god knows what, and it was pouring rain when Auston unexpectedly kissed you. It was so cliche that you ended up laughing afterwards, Auston making a joke that opposites attract.

N = Nickel. Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?

You’re an independent person. You don’t want Auston to buy you everything. He likes to slurge on gifts for you every once in a while and vice versa, but you’re both more into spending quality time with each other.

O = Orange. What colour reminds them of their other half?

You remind him of a green. Like nature, you calm him and make him feel safe.

He reminds you of a red. He’s much like a ball of fire. He puts everything he has into everything he does, and when he does that, nothing can stop him.

P = Petnames. What petnames do they use?

I can definitely see him calling you sweet petnames in Spanish. Babe is certainly a big one for him.

You like calling him “four” as a joke for the amount of goals he scored in his first nhl game.....He hates it. Babe, love, darling, are also ones you use.

Q = Quaint. What is their favourite non-modern thing?

I don’t know if this would count but you both like to sit in and read some days.

R = Rainy Day. What is their favourite thing to do on a rainy day?

The two of you enjoy cuddling and watching movies on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. Sometimes that popcorn ends up being used for a food fight (or ends up all over the floor because Auston’s cheeky and can’t keep his hands off of you ;))

S = Sad. How do they cheer themselves/others up?

Believe it or not, whenever the two of you are upset, you talk. Good therapeutic talks. You vent to each other and honestly is makes you so much closer.

T = Talking. What do they like to talk about?

Everything and anything. Because you didn’t get along very well in the beginning, you both thought it was important to learn about each other and now that you’ve started learning, neither of you ever want to stop.

U = Unencumbered. What helps them relax?

Just being in the others presence immediately does the trick.

V = Vaunt. What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?

Auston lovessss to show you off. He’s surprised he could ever get a girl like you, a girl who hadn’t been seeking out his attention for fame.

W = Wedding. When, how, where do they propose?

He proposes in Arizona over the summer after your 4 year anniversary. He’d been planning it with his mother for a long while, deciding on taking you out and proposing to you under the star light.

X = Xylophone. What’s their song?

End of the Summer: Alec Benjamin

Y = You. You are the ___ to my ___ (e.g. the cookies to my milk, the macaroni to my cheese)

You are the Rose to his Jack. The both of you are complete opposites, yet find yourself being similar in many ways, it’s odd, but it’s lovely all the same.

Z = Zebra. If they wanted a pet, what would they get?

A dog probably. You’re not sure what kind, but you’d most likely adopt one from a shelter.