#i love these sombre moments he has they really help flashing out his character

[iris-nonsense]

Even after all of this yuuji still holds on to his compassion and empathy and recognize the good in others even when he basically knows nothing about them

[lostinlewis]

Old Flame ~ Part Four

Rating: M

Words: 3435

Character: Lewis Hamilton x F!Reader

Description: You learnt so much from your first love but the most important lesson he taught you was how to deal with heartbreak, even if it takes you six years. You were almost there, you almost made it days at a time without thinking about him…that was until he turned up in the most unexpected of places.

The noise from the multitude of paparazzi on the street outside of your apartment grew louder the longer you both lay there as still as possible, as if that would help you disappear from the situation altogether. The louder the noise rose from their innocuous chatter, the stronger the anxiety built inside of you. So many thoughts ran through your mind.

Was it all planned? Did someone set out to humiliate you on purpose? How the hell did they find out where you lived within hours of the story coming out? The most prevalent thought though, could you trust Lewis to not embarrass you again? 

He had been stroking the skin of your arm for a good hour now, whilst you curled into the nape of his neck, both of you laying there in silence. He knew it didn’t matter what he said right now, there were no words to make this situation better, but his small touches were signs of comfort, the only way he knew to comfort you. Despite the fact he had caused this situation, you sought comfort in the warmth of his body, the protection of his stature. He was your security and your reason to need it, ironically. 

There was no worse sound to hear but the vibration of your phone against the top of your bedside cabinet, breaking you both out of your thoughts in an instance. You let out a little groan as the caller's name flashed on your screen, something akin to a warning. Mum. You didn’t want to deal with anything right now, least of all her. You knew you couldn’t convince her you were okay and you also did not want to hear her stick up for him right now. 

“Let me answer it, I will explain what happened so you don’t have to.” Lewis held his hand out for it, you obliged. “You can’t ignore her, babe. She’s worried about you.” 

“No no, she’s fine, I promise.” Lewis answered as your mum’s voice boomed down the phone at him from the moment he answered. There was a good few minutes of silence from his end as he listened to your mum rant at him down the phone, a smile crept on your face, for once she was on your side. “I know and I’m sorry. I never want to hurt her, I promise.” 

Your mum didn’t hold back on the lecturing of him, a little part of you enjoyed it, he deserved someone else telling him how wrong he had treated you. You doubted anyone had ever told him that, most of your friends were originally friends of his so they all naturally took his side after the break up leaving you with practically no one in your corner. 

Lewis left the bed, naked with your phone still glued to his ear, he began pacing around the apartment, you could no longer hear their conversation but it lasted a while. When he returned he handed you your phone. 

“She wants to talk to you.” You screwed your face up at him as he waved it at you, making it impossible for you to refuse. 

“Hi mum.” Your voice was sombre, you hoped she would get the hint and keep the conversation to a minimum.

“Are you doing okay, sweetie?” She didn’t wait for you to answer. “Lewis said he’s really sorry, give him a chance before you make any decisions, you know he loves you.” 

“Mum, it’s fine. You can stop your ‘I love Lewis brigade’ before it even starts. We’re fine, we’re just going to have to deal with this.” 

“Good. Stick with him, he’s a good one.” 

You rolled your eyes at Lewis who was sitting facing you, listening to the whole conversation, the widest smile on his face. 

“Okay mum, bye.” 

“Stick with me, I’m a good one. Wise woman.” He teased you. “We’re fine? We are a ‘we’ now?” 

You rolled your eyes once more, ignoring his question. 

“Her judgement of character has gotten worse over the years, I think I may have to take her to the doctor, she might be going senile.” Lewis tickled your sides as punishment for your teasing of him. “What are we going to do about all of this? About all of them?” 

You gestured to the sea of people below your bedroom window who eagerly anticipated the first image of both of you the morning after the night before. 

“Your mum suggested I get you out of here, I think I should too. Let’s go away, let’s escape this all.” He held your hand as if he could plant the idea in your mind through his touch.

“Go where? I have a job, Lewis. I can’t just drop everything and disappear like you can.” 

“Just for two nights, you can call in sick. Please let me take you away from all of this.” His thumb stroked the top of your hand. “Please.” 

“I guess I am not really ready to face the people at work now anyway, not after those headlines.” You were warming to the idea. “Okay, fine. Two nights. Where were you thinking?” 

“Monaco.”

“No. Absolutely not. No way.” You protested, throwing down his hand and standing up from the bed. 

“Please.” He chased after you, grabbing your hips and swinging you around to face him. “I have to fly back there for business, it’ll be the perfect opportunity for us to spend time alone. Just us two, no outside distractions. No paparazzi, no one watching our every move. Time for me to really focus on…you”

He looked you up and down as his hands held your hips, his tongue rolling across his bottom lip before he took a little nibble of it. His face made it obvious that he was thinking naughty thoughts of you.

“I left that place behind six years ago and I swore to never step foot on the soil again. I can’t do it, Lewis, I won’t.” 

“Baby, please-“

“No, Lewis. I hate that place, I loved it, it was our place but you ruined it. You made me hate it. The thought of being back there, back where everything fell apart makes me feel sick.” 

The look in his eyes was one of despair, the gravity of what he had put you through was evident in you in so many different ways, he would have given anything to take it all back, to make it all better for you but he couldn’t. 

“Baby, I’m sorry. If I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat but I can’t. I need to get you out of here, but most importantly we need to be alone, we need to spend time together before my race next weekend, and my apartment in Monaco is the perfect place to do this.” 

He kissed your lips, despite the dramatic frown on your face. “I know it holds the worst memories for you, but it also still holds the best. I am hoping that maybe I can help you remember all of the good times, there were so many good times, way more than bad. I want to make you remember why you loved Monaco, why it was our home.” 

“I can’t-“

“Please, babe. Trust me on this, you won’t hate the place once you’re there. And if you do, tell me and I will fly you back out of there straight away.” 

The anxious knot in your stomach hadn’t loosened, the thought of being there still made you feel sick. You knew you would hate it, you knew that there was nothing Lewis could say or do that would make the sight of it any more pleasant in your mind. It was the place where your life was ruined all those years ago, he didn’t have a time machine to go back and unstick his dick in that girl, there was no way to repair that, so there was no way this wasn’t the worst idea he had ever had. Well, the second worst.  

“Okay, I’ll go.” His smile lit up his whole face. “Two nights only and then I am coming home and never stepping foot in that place again.”

“Thank you baby, you won’t regret it I promise. I’ll charter my jet to leave as soon as possible, you better go and get yourself packed up.”

“You have a jet?” You looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“You don’t have a jet?“ 

You rolled your eyes at his absurdity. 

-

Nothing could prepare you for the intensity of walking through a crowd of people, mainly men, screaming your name as you tried desperately to get to the car Lewis had ordered. He had tried to give you a pep talk beforehand, to explain that all you had to do was keep your head down, your hood up and count 30 steps and you would be at the car. He reiterated that they couldn’t touch you so it would be words more than anything. It didn’t help you face the barrage of their shouts. 

“Lewis! Lewis! Do you have any comments on the story?” 

“Are you two back together?” 

“How does it feel to know he cheated on you once again?“

It took all of your strength to not rise to the questions they shouted at you both. He hadn’t cheated on you, this time, but the mention of it hurt just as much. 

“You did amazing, babe.” Lewis murmured as he stroked the hand he held as the car drove you towards the airport. “In a few hours this will all be in the past.” 

You didn’t reply, you just stared out of the window. You knew that was incorrect, nothing was ever really left in the past, was it?

“This is yours?” You spoke in shock as he led you to the huge plane that sat on the runway of the empty airport. 

“No, silly. I don’t have a jet…anymore. This is just one I hire when I need to whisk a hot woman to my apartment fast.” 

“I don’t know if you are trying to be funny or…”

“I don’t need to try, baby…” He teased as he grabbed your hand and quickened your pace into the jet. 

He didn’t let go of his hold on you until you were seated next to him. You were all alone, apart from the pilot and one member of the cabin crew who assured you both that he would keep in his section away from you so you were to call him if you needed anything. 

The plane had barely taken off when Lewis began to run his hand up your thigh, smothering your neck with kisses. 

“Lewis, we can’t-“

“Why can’t we? We’ve got this place all to ourselves and we have two hours to kill, I can’t think of a better way to do it. “ 

“What if someone-“

“You heard the man, he is leaving us alone for the flight. Let me make you feel good, please.” 

His fingers found their way down past your waistband to rest on your middle. You sighed a heavy sigh when he began playing with you. 

“I just want to make you feel good, baby.” He teased your clit ever so softly with the pad of his middle finger, his kisses made their way up your neck, across your cheek until he met your lips. “I only ever want to make you feel good.”

He whispered against your lips before his tongue found its way to yours, his fingers pushing inside of you at the same time. He caught your moans with his mouth, brushing his lips against yours as he fucked you with his fingers so masterfully he had you at the point of no return within moments. 

“Cum for me, baby.” He begged. “I want to watch you.” 

You did just that, falling apart as his fingers tapped your spot, his thumb circling your clit. You bit down on his lip as your orgasm ripped through your body, he didn’t stop until he made you so sensitive you twitched every time he moved.

For the rest of the plane journey he held your head against his chest, stroking your cheek with his thumb as you both left the chaos behind you and headed to the one place in the world that used to be yours. 

-

Lewis had one of his guys drop off his car at the airport. As you were driving through the streets of Monaco, the roof down on the car, his fingers locked in yours, you felt relaxed for the first time in quite a while. Much to your shock, you didn’t hate Monaco now that you were in it. Every so often he would look over at you in the passenger seat and smile, you could tell he was feeling nothing but content too. He had you home, right where he knew you belonged, if he could freeze time at this moment he would. 

You noticed he purposefully avoided that hotel, something which you were grateful for. Your heart sank the moment you saw where he was pulling into the underground garage of. 

“What are we doing here?” 

“What do you mean? We’re going home?” 

“You still live in the same apartment?!” 

Your breath hitched in your throat as the anxiety built inside of you. You hadn’t even considered the possibility he would still live there. Why would he still live in the same apartment? He had all of the money in the world, why did he not upgrade?

The thought of having to face the place with so many memories, the final ones being awful, made you feel sick once again. A common theme of your time with Lewis, highs and incredible lows.  

“Of course I still live here. Will you please just calm down and give it a chance.” He pulled into his garage and parked his car. “We can go up there and if you’re not comfortable, I will book us a hotel, deal?” 

The amount of compromises you were making for a man who hurt you was really starting to bother you. You weren’t sure what it was about him, you were usually so strong and in control but around Lewis, it was quite the opposite. 

He held tight onto your hand as you walked through the all too familiar hallway. Memories flashed back of the both of you stumbling drunk, stopping every two steps and falling into each other's arms, so in love with each other you needed physical touch at all times. He didn’t notice it, but a smile crept on your face as you thought back to the night he won his first Monaco race. He was so drunk on Champagne, you were too, you almost had sex right outside your door. Almost being the important word, he was too drunk to hold you up against the wall, so instead you fell to the floor the moment you got inside your door. You woke up to a note from a neighbour explaining you had woken them up during the night with your loud noises, you had forgotten to even close the door. You wondered if the neighbour was still there as you passed her door, a small part of you was tempted to knock and say hello. An even bigger part of you was tempted to reconstruct the scene, once you stepped inside the apartment.  

You looked around the apartment, everything about it was exactly the same. The sofa, the bedroom, even the seating area on his balcony was the same. It was as if the apartment froze in time the moment you left it all those years ago. 

“Seriously, you even have the same glasses?” You laughed as you examined every inch of the place. 

“Why replace something that isn’t broken?” Lewis had made himself comfortable fast, changing into only shorts before taking a seat in his spot, the same spot he had claimed in the store as you both chose the sofa years before. “Can you stop looking around and come and sit with me, please?” 

“It’s just so…weird. Being back here, and everything looking the same…” Your eyes still wandered around the room. “I feel like I have gone back in time.” 

“I kept it the same on purpose.” You turned to face him now. “You helped decorate, you helped furnish it, every single room has a piece of you in it. When you left, when it was just me here and you were gone from my life, the only comfort I had was knowing this place had small pieces of you in it.” 

“Lewis, you don’t have to-“

“No, let me finish.” His face was deadpan, unreadable. “This whole place is laced with you. When I’ve had a bad race, the first thing I do is come back here and sit on the balcony and think about the memories we’ve shared here. You might have been out of my life for six years but you have still been the only thing to give me comfort in that time.”

You could only comfort him with a smile. 

“I knew you would come home one day.” He pulled you into him to kiss you. “Ouch!” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“You bit my lip earlier when you-“

“Oh stop being such a baby.” You pulled him on top of you for another kiss.

You made love, again. Twice now Lewis had made love to you like he was too scared to push it too far with you, twice he had almost lost himself whilst inside of you but each time he remembered that he had to take it slow with you, the last thing he wanted was to scare you off. He wanted you to be comfortable with him, used to him, before he took you back to the place he used to take you every time he was inside of you. He was so determined that this time would be different, the sex included. He needed you to know that your feelings came above anything else.

-

You awoke for the first time in a few days all alone, you stretched your arm out to feel for him but all you felt was paper. He had left you a note on his pillow. Who leaves a note nowadays? That’s what phones are for. 

‘Morning beautiful girl, I have a business meeting this morning and I didn’t want to wake you. There’s something waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, L x’

You crawled out of bed to head to the kitchen, the sight of the apartment was still a shock even the morning after. Lewis had ordered you a huge breakfast hamper, it had way more food than you’d be able to get through in a week let alone one morning. You ventured out onto the balcony and stood taking in the scenery, a perfect view of the harbour, as you ate your apple.

It would be so easy to get used to this. 

You were determined to not let yourself get carried away, you had only been back in contact with him for such a short time, it was too soon to even think about anything serious. 

You spent a while on the balcony, people watching and thinking, before your phone vibrated on the table in front of you. 

‘I’m on my way home, baby. I have some news x’

News? What kind of news? You figured it would probably be a new sponsorship of some kind, maybe a new project he was working on?

You wanted to take a shower before he got home, Lewis had made sure it had been a while since you last showered alone and you knew this was your only opportunity to do so. Your cases still hadn’t arrived from the airport yet, so you decided to just grab one of his T-Shirts instead. You rummaged through his drawer, holding a variant of different shirts up against yourself to find one you actually liked. That is when you saw it.

It was the box that first caught your eye, the little emerald box that looked so familiar yet you struggled to place it at first, your heart sank the moment you realised what it was. The ring was the last thing you had left in the apartment, on top of his pillow, before you walked out. The ring that neither of you had even dared to bring up since you reconciled. The ring that Lewis had proposed to you with just a few days before he slept with someone else. 

PART FIVE

[wiypt-writes]

Stark Spangled Banner

Ch47: Use Your Words, Old Man

Intro: Jamie reaches another milestone, and 2021 ticks by with many more memories for the Rogers and Stark family.

Warnings: Bad Language words. Smut (NSFW, 18+)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

A/N:  I adore the edit again... @angrybirdcr​ did good!!!

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Chapter 46

Stark Spangled Banner Masterlist // Main Masterlist

May 2021

“Jamie, no!” Steve swooped down and picked up the tot who had been toddling, albeit, unsteadily, towards Lucky giggling away. Lucky, however, was fast enough to understand and jumped up bolting towards the door of the room, leaping over the baby gate to avoid Jamie’s vice like grip on his ears.

“NO!” Jamie yelled and Steve stopped dead, Jamie in his large arms, as Katie looked up at them both, her mouth falling open.

“Did he just…?” she held her breath. The fourteen month old had been uttering the odd thing that sound like a word for a good few months now, but nothing that anyone would recognise as a proper term.

Until now.

“Yeah I think so!” Steve grinned, looking at her then his son. “Did you just talk buddy? Did you just say no?” “NO! No, No!” Jamie wriggled in his dad’s arms, grabbing at his shirt. Katie, who had managed to get the last few iterations of the word on her phone camera, grinned as Steve placed him back on the floor where he headed over to this play-mat and landed with a thud on the floor, picking up a pile of the large, coloured blocks he liked to play with.

“Of course his first word would be no.” She sighed as Steve sat on the couch next to her. He laughed and dropped a hand to her knee.

“To be fair, honey, that’s what we spend half our time telling him one way or another.” Katie snorted, that much was true. Since he had been fully mobile and walking unaided over the last two months, they had constantly been moving things out of his reach or removing them from his grasp, followed by the word. Nine times out of ten the tot was content to let them do so, but the odd time he would throw a temper tantrum to rival those of his Momma’s.

“NO!” Jamie called again, clacking the blocks together and Steve gave a grin, moving off the couch to drop by his son on the play-mat. Katie watched the two of them for a moment, smiling to herself. She knew it was a cliché but she literally couldn’t have wished for a better father for either of her kids. They were experiencing first parenting issues at both ends of the spectrum, with Emmy five months off her fourteenth birthday and Jamie two months on from his first. It wasn’t easy, hell, they spent half their time second guessing their decisions. Where they being too strict or too lenient with Emmy? Was Jamie developing right? Were his toys educational enough? Was the floor clean enough for him to be crawling or lying on with having a dog in the house? But, when she saw moments like this, Jamie now trying to push his large, red Mega-Block into his Dad’s mouth, Steve clamping his lips together and shaking his head making their son screech with laughter, all her worries faded away.

Jamie really was fast turning into a miniature version of his dad, which was another thing Katie loved. Steve himself didn’t see it, but there had been a moment a few weeks back where the soldier had recognised someone he knew, loved and missed daily in his Son, and it had choked both Parents up.

Steve was led on his back on the bed, Jamie cackling away as his dad was holding him at arms-length and then bringing him back down again to blow a raspberry on his cheek, repeating the motion over and over, until he paused and his eyes widened a little. Katie frowned slightly at the look on his face as Steve gulped, looking into his son’s eyes, their familiarity hitting him like a brick.

“Soldier, what is it?” Katie asked, as Steve’s eyes misted up and he swallowed thickly.

“His eyes. Erm, do you think they’ll carry on turning green?”

Katie frowned. “I don’t know, I doubt it. Apparently most babies, if their eyes are gonna change, will have done it by six months. Why do you ask?”

“I just, well, I never thought I’d see those eyes again.” He whispered, gently resuming his actions.

“I’m not following you, love.” Katie frowned

“He has my ma’s eyes” Steve’s voice was choked as he looked at her, bringing Jamie down to his chest, pressing a kiss to his head, a soft smile playing on his face.

“Then you see your mother’s eyes every time you look in the mirror.” Katie smiled, leaning over to give him a soft kiss as her own chest felt slightly tighter than normal. She wiped a tear Steve hadn’t even been aware he’d shed off his check gently with her thumb, leaving her hand trailing softly across his skin. “Because when I look at him all I see is you. Those eyes are yours.”

He looked up at her and smiled, “yeah?” “Yeah,” she nodded, “I think you’re more like your mother than you realise. Maybe not in looks completely but, well, she raised you single handed. You’re the man you are because of her.”

“She was a fantastic woman.” Steve sighed.

“Well then you should be proud.” Katie said, and he smiled looking over at her.

“I am,” he replied softly, his attention going back to his son, “and you know what else I’m proud of?”

“What?”

“That you’re a Mrs Rogers too.” He looked at her again. “I know it’s just a name but, I really am glad you took it. Jamie has a Rogers momma as good as mine, helping to carry the name forward.”

“You sentimental sap.” Katie sniffed slightly as her own tears threatened to spill from her eyes.

“I love you so much.” He beamed at her, pressing his lips to hers softly. “Even if you are still a Stark really.” She laughed against his lips,”jerk.”

Katie turned back to the laptop she’d been looking at, flicking through a few spreadsheets with the latest figures the SIDE accountants had produced. Steve and Emmy’s idea around the support groups had been well received by everyone involved with the foundation and as such they’d started drafting up the paper work and working out the estimated funding. Steve had consulted Rhodey about the programme and the Colonel had enthusiastically agreed it was a great idea, and as such they’d pitched it to the Government, President Ellis��� reaction had been the same as theirs – why didn’t we think of this before?

As such, they were currently working up the particulars such as how they set up across the country, mobilisation, publicity…and Steve had taken up control of the project, his natural leadership qualities made him a superb Project Manager. He’d also expressed an interest in actually running the ones across New York himself, another way he felt he could help.

They were aiming to open the first ones in September, running two a week for the time being, just to see how well they were received and, from a purely selfish point of view, Katie was enjoying working alongside him again and having him at home permanently instead of traveling with the Military.

“How many groups do you think you’re gonna have eventually?” She asked and Steve tuned to look at her, momentarily confused by her sudden change of topic until he realised what she was talking about.

“I dunno.” He shrugged. “I’d like eventually to maybe run them three times a week, twice a day. Give everyone who wants to come a chance to you know…why d’ya ask?” “Just drilling into these numbers. I reckon we have enough to fund that to start with,” she paused, “and if the government meet our request then we can step it up.” He nodded. “I put the design idea in for the fliers and posters yesterday. Has to be the most sombre thing I’ve ever drawn.”

“I know,” she said softly, “but it’s gonna make a difference Steve, focus on that.”

He was about to reply but he was cut off when they heard the voice from the security system informing them that the gate had been opened by ‘Emmy Rogers’. Steve glanced at the clock and frowned.

“It’s not even one?” 

“They’re on half day,” Katie didn’t look up from the numbers on the screen, “teacher training or something.”

Moments later the front door opened and the chatter of two excited teenage girls hit their ears and Lucky gave a bark, his nails clicking on the wooden floor as he trotted through from where he had been on his bed under the stairs to greet Emmy.

“I know, it’s so cool, right?” Emmy was saying, as her voice grew louder. “I never thought they’d do anything like this, not after the Decimation but, oh hi buddy!”

They heard Lucky’s excited whine as Emmy continued to coo at him, before the two girls and dog appeared in the lounge doorway.

“What’s so cool?” Steve asked instantly and Emmy rolled her eyes.

“Do you earwig into every conversation I have?” She opened the baby-gate and stepped into the room.

“Yes.” Steve deadpanned. “Now spill.” “It’s a Geography field trip Mr R.” Brooke grinned. “Hamilton for the Niagara Escarpment.”

“Canada?” Katie smiled before her smile turned to a smirk as she side eyed Steve “I had a vacation in Canada once.” Steve shot her a glare and his voice dropped to a growl. “That’s not funny.” He said sternly. The memory of what she’d been through wasn’t a laughing matter as far as he was concerned. She flashed him a grin and he rolled his eyes. “So when is it?” He turned to Emmy.

“Last week of term in June.” She answered, reaching down to pick Jamie up who had toddled over to his sister excitedly chattering jibberish as he went. “Just for three nights. I know it’s really short notice but apparently they weren’t sure they could pull it off. Hi Jay!” She swung him up and kissed the little boy on the cheek as Brooke gently tweaked his nose causing him to laugh.

“Six weeks, yeah that is short notice.” Katie pondered. “Do you wanna go?” Emmy’s eyes lit up and she nodded. “I’d love to.” Steve took in a deep breath and Katie looked at him. She could see him grappling with something but Jamie spoke before he could.

“No!”

“Did he just talk?” Emmy’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, he hasn’t shut up saying it for the last hour.” Katie grinned “Look, have you got the details of the trip?” “In my bag.”

“Okay, well leave them on the table, me and your dad will give it the once over and we’ll talk about it later.”

Emmy placed Jamie down on the floor and fished in her bag for the forms before she dropped them onto the coffee table with a soft slap. Jamie wandered this time over to Katie who set her laptop down and picked him up. He sat on her lap and gently wound his hand into her hair, rubbing his face into her neck the way he always did when he was tired.

“I’m gonna put him down for a nap.” Katie stood up and looked at the two girls. “What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Pool!” They both grinned, sharing a hi-five before Emmy looked at her mom, the familiar hopeful expression on her face she always got when she was about to ask for something.

“Can Brooke stay?”

Katie arched an eyebrow. “I thought that was a given, seeing as you’re both already here.”

The two girls grinned and Emmy looked at her mom again, her smile growing even bigger. “And, can we get Thai tonight? It is Friday.” “Dontcha mean Thaiday?” Steve quipped causing Katie to groan as Emmy picked up a cushion off the couch with her spare arm and hit her dad with it.

“That is so lame.” Emmy rolled her eyes as Brooke cackled. “C’mon…”

Katie watched as they left the room, Steve still chuckling at his own joke.

“She’s right.” Katie looked at him, gently re-arranging Jamie slightly as he had started to nod off. “That was lame.”

Steve gave her a look of mock hurt, clutching his chest, before she left and he sat up to read the information Emmy had left on the table. He was struggling a little bit between wanting to let her go and also the worry that had instantly flooded his system about her being safe. He carefully read the details, the trip wasn’t cheap, not that that really mattered, the activities looked good, and a quick google showed him the hotel looked fairly reasonable and was in a nice enough area…

“I knew you’d be on that as soon as you could be.” Katie laughed and Steve looked up at her from his spot on the floor by the table and he gave a sheepish grin.

“Busted,” he sighed, “I just wanted to look into it properly. I really want her to go and enjoy stuff like this but…” “We can’t keep her sheltered, Steve.” Katie reasoned. “No matter how much we want to. She’s gonna be fourteen this time round.” “I know, I know.” He sighed “Do you think we should let her go?” “Yeah, I do.” Katie nodded “We’re lucky enough to be able to afford things like that for our kids, plenty of other families aren’t.”

Steve’s tongue poked the inside of his cheek for a moment as he considered his wife’s words. She was right. Emmy would never have been on a trip like this before, and it did look like a lot of fun.

“Alright.” He heaved himself up off the floor “You’ve convinced me.” Katie grinned “If only everything was that easy.” “It is.” He arched an eyebrow. “All you have to do is pull those eyes at me.” “What eyes?” She asked innocently. “You know damned well what eyes. Those eyes. The ones that can get me to do whatever you want.” “Is it working now?” She looked up at him, batting her eyelashes. “Why, what do you want?” He asked, smirking, knowing full well what she was implying as her hands slid up his chest.

“Well the girls are out at the pool,” her eyes followed her fingers as they started to undo the buttons of his Henley, “and Jamie’s asleep…” Grinning, Steve span her round, shoved her gently forward and aimed a smack to her ass causing her to yelp playfully. “Get up those stairs Mrs Rogers.” He growled, and the pair of them hurried off, giggling like a pair of naughty school kids till they reached their bedroom, where the giggles turned into shared moans, groans and happy sighs.

**** “Thanks for dropping Brooke off.” Jennifer placed a latte down in front of Katie.

“It was no problem, I had to come this way on my way up to the compound anyway.” Katie smiled and then frowned slightly as she noticed the look on her friend’s face.

“You alright?” She asked gently.

“Not really,” Jen sighed, sitting down. “Brooke called last night about the field trip…” “Yeah Steve wasn’t so keen but I talked him round. The girls seem to be looking forward to it.” “That’s the thing.” Jen rubbed at her temple “I really want Brooke to go but, well, business hasn’t been what it used to be before, you know, and I’m not sure I can afford it. Not at such short notice.” Katie instantly felt like a jerk. She knew she was incredibly privileged to be so wealthy but was well aware many weren’t as fortunate.

“I haven’t had the heart to tell her yet.” Jen swallowed and Katie bit her lip.

“Jen,” she leaned over the table dropping her voice, “if you want…” “No.” Jen shook her head, her lips pressing into a thin line, instantly understanding what Katie was offering “I’m not a charity case.” Her voice was clipped. “No, that’s not what I meant.” Katie hastily assured the woman. “Honestly, I didn’t mean to offend you.” “I know.” Jen shook her head “Sorry,that was really ungrateful.” “It’s fine.” Katie waved her apology off, “but the offer is there. We could consider it a loan if you liked.” Jen chewed her lip, and Katie saw her friend’s eyes begin to water.

“Look,” Katie gripped her mug, “it’s a couple of hundred bucks. And this probably sounds crass and really, really fucking shitty when I think about it, but I make more than enough and I really, really won’t notice that amount going out, trust me.”

“I just hate this, you know.” Jen hastily wiped her face. “A few years ago this place was thriving and now, well I just about make enough to cover bills and the thought she is the one that has to miss out…” “Then let me help.” Katie pleaded, looking at the red head opposite her. “Brooke’s been a good friend to Emmy and, well, from a selfish point of view I’d be a lot more comfortable if they were together.”

“That’s really kind of you.” Jennifer nodded after a pause. “Are you sure? I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”

“Whenever, it’s not a big deal.” Katie nodded, smiling “On one condition.” “What?”

“You sneak me one of your delicious brownies every once in a while.” Jenifer laughed “Oh honey, you and Steve can get free coffee and brownies for life.” “Erm, yeah, pretty sure in a month you’d be bankrupt if I told Steve that.” Katie grinned and Jenifer smiled.

“Would you like to come over?” She asked suddenly. “The pair of you, for dinner maybe? Tonight? Emmy and Jamie as well, of course.”

“Yeah, that sounds great.” Katie smiled. “We’re not doing anything that I know of but I’ll check with Steve and let you know as soon as I can.”

“Great, well, Emmy can stay here if she likes. I’m sure once I tell Brooke she can go they’ll be planning all sorts of mischief.”

“I dread to think.” Katie mused “You know I remember my last field trip. It was to San Fran and I was sixteen. Me and my friend, a girl called Laura, I made some fake ID and we got plastered in a bar. Tony absolutely kicked my ass, before he told me he was actually quite impressed at the quality of my forgeries.”

Jennifer snorted “Yeah, this isn’t exactly filling me full of confidence.”

Katie laughed. “Emmy is much better behaved than I was at that age, Steve wouldn’t stand for her getting into the same amount of crap as I did.” She drained her mug and stood up. “I best be going.”

“Sure, see you tonight? What time will suit with Jamie?”

“Well he normally goes down about seven and he’ll just sleep in his car seat.” Katie smiled “So say six ish? I can feed him and settle him then at yours before we eat.”

“Fab.” Jenifer stood up and Katie mirrored her.“And thank you.”

“My pleasure.” Katie smiled, and she handed Jen her mug. Once the woman was out of sight she dug into her purse and dropped the customary twenty bucks into the tip jar on her way out.

****

Steve was in the kitchen when he heard his wife come home. He didn’t move though, he was too busy watching his son, trying to figure out how the hell the fourteen month old had managed to climb up on top of the breakfast bar unaided. Steve had turned his back for thirty goddamned seconds to load the dishwasher and now his son was crawling along the unit. The only explanation was he’d used one of the stools as leverage, but even that was baffling the Captain, and there was no way Jamie should have been able to manage that, at all.

“Thank you Dr Erskine” Steve grumbled as he swept his son off the surface. “You’re gonna be the death of me, pal.” “No!” Jamie cackled, and Steve sighed, his son carefully held in his arms as Katie walked into the kitchen. “Hey, Doll.” He smiled, dropping a kiss to her lips.

“Hi.” She greeted him, returning his gentle sign of affection before she blew a raspberry on Jamie’s cheek. He giggled as she made her way to the fridge and Steve deposited their boy on the mat at the corner of the room.

“How was Nat?” Steve asked and Katie sighed, grabbing out a bottle of water and opening it.

“Still insisting on flying out to Nepal.” She shut the fridge. “I’ve told her Barton doesn’t wanna be found, but…” she trailed off. “And Bruce has gone again.”

“Where to this time?” Steve frowned. 

“Back to the lab in Seoul.” Katie shrugged. “I don’t know what for. Anyway, I told her to come for dinner on Sunday and that if she misses it again this week imma kick her ass.” Steve smiled as Katie took a drink from the bottle “Oh, and speaking of dinner, we’re not doing anything tonight are we?” 

“Not at the moment, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me we are.” “Jen’s asked us round.” Katie sat down at the table.

“That’s nice of her.” Steve poured himself mug of coffee, Katie waving away his offer of one. “You wanna go?”

“Yeah, and it’s kind of a thank you so we should do really.”

“What for?” He sat down opposite her.

“Well, she was upset about not being able to send Brooke on the Field Trip so I offered to help out money wise.She didn’t want to take it at first but she agreed in the end. As long as it’s a loan” 

“I’m glad she did. I’m assuming Emmy has stayed with them for the day?”

Katie hummed a response.

“Those two are joined at the hip.” Steve snorted

“Another reason I really wanted Brooke to go.”

A movement caught Steve’s eye from the corner of the room and he looked up to see Jamie was now stood up again and was heading back towards the breakfast bar. He quietly observed his son, watching as the boy gripped the legs of one of the stools and pulled himself up. Steve was horrified to see that he was managing to lift his legs off the floor, swinging them onto the foot bar.

“James, No!” He said loudly. The use of their boy’s full name didn’t pass Katie by and she turned in her seat to see Jamie looking at his father before he let go of the stool and fell backwards onto his butt, the pout on his face reminding Steve so much of his wife that he had to stifle a laugh. Katie watched as he got to his feet and toddled towards her.

“He managed to get up onto the kitchen counter before.” Steve eyed the boy as Katie picked him up and sat him on her knee. “What?” Katie’s voice was high pitched as she whipped her head round to look at Steve. “How the hell?”

“Beats me, although from that I suspect he was using the stool as a climbing frame.” Steve sighed watching as Jamie’s attention turned to the now empty bottle of water in front of Katie. “I was loading the dishwasher and in the time it took me to put the plates in he’d made it from his play mat to the top of the damned breakfast bar.” “This is your fault.” Katie laughed, smoothing down her son’s blonde hair. “You and your damned super serum.”

“I know.” Steve shook his head. “I thought we could take him and Lucky out for a walk maybe see if that settles his energy.”

Katie checked her watch “Yeah, we could do. Maybe head to the park. If we go now then we should be back for his nap.”

“Or we can wait a while, and he can sleep in the stroller and I can take you for lunch?”

“Okay so that sounds even better” she grinned “You know, you’re not as dumb as-“

Steve never found out what he wasn’t as dumb as, because at that moment they heard a yell that made his breath catch.

“DADA!”

The parents looked at one another, a shit eating grin spreading across Steve’s face as he leaned forward across the table.

“Dada?” Katie asked, pointing at Steve, bouncing Jamie on her knee. “Dada!” Jamie babbled again, grinning. “Dada!”

“Typical.” Katie rolled her eyes. “I carry you for nine months, give birth, feed you from my boobs and you come out looking like your father and you say Dada first. That’s gratitude for you”

“Guess that means I’m his favourite.” Steve teased, slumping back in his chair, earning himself a glare from his wife. He blew her a kiss, shrugging.

Steve was pleased, however that Katie didn’t have to wait long for her turn. A few days later when she went into Jamie’s room to get him up for the morning he beamed at her and held his arms up exclaiming “ma-ma!” Steve watched his wife on the baby monitor screen and felt his heart swell to what felt like five times its normal size as Katie picked up their son, her eyes pricking with tears and held him tight. 

*****

June 2021

Katie woke with a start, pausing for a moment, wondering why it was so quiet. It took her a second but then she remembered Jamie was at Tony’s, staying for a sleepover. As Emmy was on her field trip, Pepper and Tony had taken the boy to give Katie and Steve a night on their own, the first one they had had in a very long time. Tony had rung them mid-afternoon to ask who on earth had taught him the word ‘whatever’, albeit in Jamie’s pronunciation ‘tever’ and Katie had laughed, that one was firmly down to Emmy. He hadn’t quite managed the sign to go with it yet thought, despite her best attempts.

They’d taken full advantage of it too. Steve had gone into complete romantic overdrive, coming home from a meeting at the tower with a bunch of calla lilies for his wife and told her to get dressed up as they were going out. They’d headed into Brooklyn for a meal at a small Italian (Katie only checking her phone five times, which was an improvement on the twenty the first time they’d left Jamie with his Uncle) and they’d had a great time. It had been intimate, and they’d teased each other relentlessly meaning when they got home they hadn’t even made it up the stairs before they’d been clawing at each other, desperate touches and kisses shared in the hallway before they’d both tumbled into the lounge onto the rug in front of the fire. Grinning to herself at the slight tenderness between her legs, Katie turned over and glanced at Steve who gently shifted in his sleep, a sure sign that he was slowly waking. She scooted closer and rested her hand on his chest, her smile widening as he unconsciously let out a soft sigh of contentment. His eyes were moving under their lids, and as her hand started trailing down over his stomach he took in a deep breath, finally opening his eyes and meeting her gaze just as her touch dipped below the waistband of his boxers. He let out a low groan.

“You’re awake early considering the kids are away.” He murmured, kissing the skin in the crook of her shoulder, his morning stubble scratching her skin slightly as she continued her strokes, teasing him lightly.

“Force of habit.” She whispered back, sighing as he kissed her neck again and again. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close until she was pressed against him, his thigh between hers as he rolled them both over so she was nestled under him. His lips made their way to hers and he gave her a deep, languid kiss as she shifted so that her legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him flush against her. Steve propped himself up with his left arm while his other hand went under the shirt she was wearing, his shirt, to her chest, his fingertips barely brushing against her nipples. She groaned loudly at his touch, and he was just about to warn her to be quiet, but then he realised he didn’t have to. With the knowledge that he really could make her scream, he hastily pulled the top over her head and his lips crashed back to hers, the kiss hot and intentional as her legs gripped him tightly in an attempt to get a little more friction between them. He went to tug at the waistband of her underwear, barely breaking his lips away from hers for a moment.

“You want me?” He asked, his voice low and raspy.

“Always,” she groaned, aware of the desperation that flooded her tone and Steve let out a low growl. Katie felt the tearing along one side of the thin lace garment he had hold of and she laughed into his mouth, remembering their first time together when he had done the very same thing. Her fingers scrambled to push down his boxers as he repositioned himself slightly, reaching down with his hand to line himself up, before he gently worked into her. Man and wife both let out a satisfied sigh as Steve’s hand grabbed Katie’s knee and hitched it over his shoulder, a move he knew drove her wild. She moaned loudly and her fingers dug into his arms as he starting pushing a little harder, a little faster, then faster, until he had reached a relentless pace making his wife curse and leaving her short of breath.

He slowed for a moment, making her look at him, letting out a noise of protest. “Don’t stop,” she begged, “Please Stevie.”

Grinning slightly he picked up the pace again, enjoying the noises she was making as she keened underneath him, her head pressing further back into the pillow a she gave another loud cry of his name before he felt her tighten round him as she came, her nails biting at the skin on his arms. He continued to thrust three, four more times before the snake in his belly uncoiled and he jerked on top of her with a loud cry of his own and let go of her leg, collapsing onto her, his face buried into her neck.

“Morning,” she mumbled, her hands tangling into his hair and he let out a soft chuckle.

“Morning, Beautiful.”

They stayed in bed for another hour or so, just laying with one another and talking before it was time to shower. They did that together too, and by the time they were climbing into the car to go and pick Jamie up, Katie was feeling literally and figuratively thoroughly fucked and fell asleep on the journey, Steve smirking to himself at the fact he could still tire her out like that after almost eight years of being with one another.

“Late night was it?” Tony quipped as Katie let out a yawn as she walked into his living room.

“Yeah, and an early morning,” she shot back and Tony snorted, shaking his head.

“Dada!” Jamie giggled as he tottered over from where he had been sat on the rug with Morgan and Pepper “Mama!”

“Hi, Baby!” Katie swept him up in her arms and placed a kiss to his cheek “We missed you.” “Nee!” He said gleefully and Katie frowned, and it wasn’t until he pointed to his uncle and repeated the word that she understood. “Nee!”

Steve let out a snort “Uncle Nee. Suits you Tone.” “Shut up, Spangles” Tony raised an eyebrow as Morgan laughed.

“Uncle Pangles!” The two year old quipped as if on cue, and Steve let out a moan

“Did you teach her that?” He looked accusingly at his brother in law.

“Of course he did.” Pepper sighed, sweeping the small girl into her arms as she stood up, smirking at Katie. “You guys eaten breakfast yet or were you too busy?” Katie let out a snort. “If there’s any going I won’t say no.”

Pepper handed Morgan to Steve as she was trying to reach him and he took her, tossing her into the air ignoring the wince from Tony as he did so, catching the girl expertly.

“Again!” she pleaded and Steve obliged happily, knowing that it was winding Tony up only added to the enjoyment of seeing his niece cackle with laughter. “When’s Emmy back?” Tony asked, tearing his eyes away from where Steve was tossing his daughter in the air like he was wielding that fucking shield to look at his sister.

“This evening.” Katie answered. “Spoke to her last night, not sure she wants to come home.” “I remember your field trip to San Fran.” Tony mused, raising an eyebrow and Katie snorted.

“Yeah, so do I.” She smirked “I was telling Jen about that the other month. My first hangover.” “Okay, can you stop that now!” Tony rounded on Steve who grinned and rest Morgan on his hip and she pouted.

“More!”

“Sorry, Moo.” Steve apologised and she gave a huff as he placed her on the floor and she headed off to find her mum in the kitchen. He arched an eyebrow at Tony who rolled his eyes.

“Dick.” He mumbled.

“Dick.” Jamie repeated loudly and Katie’s eyes widened. Steve looked at his son, utterly horrified, then to Tony whose shocked expression was fast turning into one of utter glee.

“Oh you-” Steve glared at Tony as Katie bit her lip to try and stop her laughter “For f-“ he stopped himself, took a deep breath and pointed at Tony. “You are an absolute…”

“Use your words, Old Man!” Tony grinned, delightedly and Steve’s jaw clenched as he turned so his back was to his son and raised his hand, flipping his brother-in-law off.

*****

October 2021

“Your daddy is gonna be soaked” Katie mused to Jamie as she looked out of the window “It’s absolutely pouring with rain.”

“Dada. Rain!” Jamie grinned, chanting the words back at her, ignoring the small piece of toast that was left on his plate.

Steve had gone for his morning run with Lucky before he headed out to the first of the two support groups he was running that day. He had held the first one in September in an old church hall, and at first Katie was worried that more people would attend to take their anger out on him and had wanted to be there to help but Steve refused point blank, but her concern wasn’t completely unfounded as a lot of people were angry at first, but no one else hit him, and he said it was actually therapeutic for him too, as he could answer questions, and speak honestly and openly about how he felt about the situation.  As it turned out, Steve was a natural born councillor as well as a leader, and by the end of the month he had six different groups running through the week at different places across Manhattan. It was good for him and he was relishing the fact he could still be useful.

The back door opened, and Katie could hear the man she was thinking about stepping into the small utility room off the side of the kitchen.

“Ahhh thanks, pal, “his voice dripped with sarcasm as she heard Lucky’s tag tinkling along with the noise of the dog shaking, “that’s great. really great.” Katie chuckled to herself, picturing his face as he continued to grumble

“Could have waited until I got a towel.”

“DADA!” Jamie yelled at the sound of his dad’s voice, squirming in his seat, breakfast abandoned. “Ucky!”

“Hey, Buddy” Steve called back, as Katie undid the straps from his high chair and they made their way into the utility area where Steve was drying Lucky off as best he could with an old towel. Lucky took the opportunity as soon as he could to scoot past Katie into the kitchen.

Jamie glanced at his dad and excitedly wiggled his arms and legs as Steve shrugged off his sodden waterproof running jacket.

“Hi!” He screeched “Hi Dada!”

Steve’s bright smile light up his face “Hi, Son.” He kissed him once on both cheeks and Jamie squeaked happily before Katie set him down and he toddled back over to the play-mat in the corner of the kitchen.

“What, no kiss from my baby mama?” Steve asked, sweeping Katie into his arms and rubbing at her neck with his cold, damp face.

She squealed and tried to pull away, to absolutely no avail, and Steve continued to laugh and use her as a drying cloth.

“Ew! You’re cold and damp and sweaty!” She wrinkled her nose.

“You don’t seem to mind my sweat when I’m chasing your fourth orgasm.” Steve quipped cheekily, dropping his voice to barely more than a whisper, making her laugh.

“That’s different.” “How?”

“Because that’s sex sweat, this is run sweat.”

Steve laughed loudly “I didn’t realise I had different sweat pores for different activities”

“I didn’t mean that!” Katie rolled her eyes “I mean that I’m not sweaty now, I’m warm, and dry…” “Yeah, and if you give me a moment I can rectify that situation.”

“Dirtbag.” She grinned, his chuckle vibrating into her chest. "Go get showered and warmed up. I’ll make you some breakfast.”

"Kiss first.” Steve muttered before he leaned forward and pressed his mouth to hers. His lips were warm and despite herself, Katie leaned into his arms, her hands snaking up into his damp hair.

“Kissy!” Jamie giggled, and they broke apart to look at the tot who was sat on the floor clapping. “Kissy, kissy!”

“I’m gonna kill Emmy.” Steve muttered, and then he spotted Lucky expertly stealing the toast that Jamie had left on the highchair, before sidling out of the room with his precious treat. “And that damned dog.”

Katie laughed and gave him another peck on the cheek before Steve swept past his son, giving his hair a quick ruffle. She leaned back against the counter and smiled, before she sighed, her happy expression faltering a little. They’d had almost three years now of pretty much non-stop domestic bliss, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something surely had to come along at some point and turn it all upside down.

That was how things went for them, right?

“Mama!”

Her attention flew back to her son as he toddled over to her and held his arms up. “Hungry.” “Again?” Katie rolled her eyes as she picked him up.

“Yup.” He nodded emphatically.

Katie smiled, kissing his cheek, and moved him so he was perched on her hip. With one arm she placed more bread in the toaster and looked at her son, who smiled at her and pressed his lips to her cheek in a sloppy kiss.

“Love you.” He grinned and Katie beamed back at him, brushing his hair back.

“Love you too, Sweetheart.” And with that simple act, she managed to push those worries she had to the back of her mind, again, content to just enjoy what they had for as long as they had it.

**** Chapter 48 Part 1

 **Original Posting**

[blackevermore]

x Secrets of The Lake: The Company of Misery and Pain

{ Chapter 2 }

Summary: Vladimir Masters' family tree has always been tainted by secrets swept under the rug. From generation to generation there have been countless reasons the Masters' family had seemed to keep private from the public. Even to this day, Vladimir was no exception. But what was one to do when a restless spirit from the settlement years finally breaks free from restraints and demands you answer for your ancestor's crimes? Vladimir doesn't know. However, Clockworks does.

Notes: We just having fun, rewriting some of the canon, new adventure new characters. I will apologize now for any grammar, spelling, weird sentence structuring in advance. My brain writes faster than my fingers and even when I go back through to reread it I still miss things. Sorry about that!

Word Count: 3287

If Vlad could find a stronger word besides irritating...aggravating...ah- vexatious! The vexatious ticking around him was about to drive him up a wall the longer he waited for Clockwork to acknowledge him. When Vlad found the calling card he only had to wait until after his morning coffee for the time ghost to open a portal to his lair. Vlad didn’t feel the need to change himself as he strolled through the portal, but he wished he brought a chair if it meant waiting.

“So much time but not enough done,” Clockwork finally finished his business viewing another timeline. He turned and gave Vlad a polite smile as he nodded his head to greet the other. “I’m happy you chose to adhere to my calling, this is a rather important conversation.”

“I figured I had no choice considering anything that has to deal with you means danger.” Vlad said aloofly and Clockwork only chuckled, friendly-ish banter, but Vlad was serious. The last time he dealt with the time ghost timelines were doomed and certain baddies were wreaking havoc. Vlad couldn’t help but wonder about how Clockwork was keeping Dan. Or rather where, Clockworks lair was larger than it looked and every door led to another endless path of nowhere. Perfect for keeping people away from things they shouldn’t be doing or seeing.

“This danger is rather serious as the one before considering it’s linked to you.” Clockwork waved his hand to open another portal to the Ghost Zone. Images flashed by like a slide show showing different groups of habitats covering their ears in fear or trying to hide. Vlad held his breath, believing Clockwork was about to show him another doomed timeline. Vlad really didn’t wish to be sent off on a rescue mission again, one was all he could handle. But instead, the last image that flashed across the portal was of a female ghost standing in the middle of lake as ecto-energy shot off of her like lightning zapping the water but also the trees around her. Her body shifted in blurs from left to right as her mouth twisted into a horrid scream. Vlad nearly stumbled back in disbelief when he recognized that face as the girl from his nightmares.

“You’re speechless as if you’ve seen her before.” Clockwork turned towards Vlad with a raised brow.

“That’s the ghost that’s been haunting my dreams as of recently. I knew it had to be a ghost but what does she want with me? I don’t even know who she is.” Vlad said, annoyed and very confused.

“But you do,” Clockwork waved his hand once again across the portal and the image was now of the ghost alive weaving a basket by the water. She looked so different from the other image, happier, calm and relaxed, not at all in pain or screaming with anger. “Or a part of you that wishes to remain hidden does.”

“What does that mean?” Vlad bit his tongue from snapping at the time ghost for being vague. Clockwork always loved dragging things out and making both Vlad and Danny think before telling them anything. But right now, Vlad wasn’t in the mood, that ghost that has been haunting him has been confirmed and now Clockwork was saying he knew her. Vlad was keen on remembering faces, if not names, surely if he ever met someone like this dead or alive. 

“Vladimir, your past is catching up with you and causing trouble within the ghost zone. I’ve known about her since my creation, she was not as bad as she is now. A very sad ghost that normally kept quiet on her small island plot. But now she has found you-”

“Found me? What on Earth does that mean? I’ve never seen her before.” Vlad rudely interrupted and Clockwork sighed. Dealing with halfas was always a tricky thing but what was one to do when they’re the ones causing the problems.

“In this life you have never met her, you were born again as Vladimir Akimovich Masters. But in another life you were someone else, your great ancestor who settled in the new lands with only a servant in tow. For so long you were able to avoid what happened due to being born again and again, without stopping through the Ghost Zone. But it was this timeline that you finally found your way there, when you became a halfa you created the energy that dragged her from the depths of her sombre. You awakened her the moment you got stronger.”  Clockwork waved his staff around in the air and the room grew dark. They were no longer in the lair but at the island the ghost resided in. Vlad heard the sound of soft weeping come from behind him and when he slowly turned around he was standing inches away from the girl. She didn’t seem to notice him as she grumbled a few words and shook her head back and forth.

“Death has already found me,” she said. Vlad’s core almost froze when he heard those words so clearly. “Death has already taken me away.” The girl fell to her knees and clenched her chest. Vlad took a step back and looked over his shoulder to see if Clockwork was there but he wasn’t. Vlad was completely alone with this ghost even if he wasn’t actually there and that was unnerving. 

“Death...has finally… found you!” The girl’s head shot up with fiery green eyes stabbing Vlad right through the chest. Just like in the nightmares she gritted her teeth in anger then let out the same wail Vlad heard over and over again night after night. Vlad stumbled to the ground and covered his ears to soften the attack. The wail quickly faded away and Vlad shot his eyes open to see that he was back in Clockworks lair. The ghost looked very unpleased, worried even and tired.

“That is what the Ghost Zone has been hearing over and over in waves every hour. All because of you.”

“Because of me?!” Vlad yelled back, surely Clockwork had also seen the countless nights Vlad had been up and how tired throughout the day he was from this wretched ghost. If all this was to be true you can’t fault someone from the present for things that happen in the past. Vlad had no control over anything that happened or anyone that was already dead centuries before he was conceived. It was one thing to actually cause the trouble that was unfolding around him, but to be accused felt so disrespectful. Vlad was already on the road of trying to stray away from being known as just the villain of a finished story. He had made his peace with Danny, helped to even save the world from Dan, he released his control over his minions only to call upon them when needed. This was insulting and it only made Vlad angrier.

“You have no control over what has been done but you have the power now to fix it. If this isn't handled now while I give you the chance to do so then your future will be no longer. Besides, wouldn't you rather put a restless spirit to rest now rather than being stuck with them for eternity?” Clockwork chuckled when he saw Vlad’s eyes shoot open. There was no point in trying to argue with Clockwork, Vlad knew that, he was right about a lot of things and a lot of outcomes. Vlad lowered his head and took in a deep breath.

“And what pray tell do you expect me to do.” Vlad steeled himself as he waited for an answer.

“Aid the young Phantom in finding Tayonna before she finds you outside of the Ghost Zone. I cannot promise you talking will silence her soul but try to figure out how to put her to rest. Or at least get the screaming to stop. I can hear it all the way from here and it disturbs my work.” Clockwork thumbed back towards his endless floating timelines he had to oversee and shook his head. 

“Daniel knows about this?” Vlad asked, a bit grateful he wouldn’t have to figure this out by himself.

“I have not spoken to him but he was in the Ghost Zone and heard it himself. He has already planned on investigating some time soon, it would be best if you go with him.” Clockwork turned away from Vlad and floated up towards another portal that showed a timeline. “That is all for now Vladimir, I wish you luck in fixing this before it’s too late.” With that Clockwork opened a portal for Vlad back to his home. Vlad had so many questions he wished to ask but he knew they would fall on deaf ears. So he turned sharply on his heels and left through the portal. Once he was back in the kitchen of his home he fell into a nearby chair and covered his face with a hand. 

He really wanted a drink but when he checked the clock above the sink, it was still the same time it was when he left. Wonderful, he still had to be at work in half an hour and deal with human interactions. Vlad closed his eyes and gave himself a prep talk of not calling off and to go be the adult he was. With a few more grumbles of food and candy related curses, Vlad pulled himself together and headed to work. Vlad failed to notice the small puddle footsteps that followed him all the way to the door.

---

“Why can’t I go!?” Dani yelled towards Danny as she slid down the stair railing. Dani had overheard Jazz and Danny talking about what was going on when she came home from school and was excited about an adventure. "I wanna go!”

“No. You have school and I don’t have time to explain everything to mom and dad if you get us caught.” Danny rolled his eyes as he made his way to the kitchen to get a snack. 

“You have school too, that was a crappy excuse.” Dani crossed her arms and leaned against the table.

“Yeah I know, that’s why I’d make a great parent one day.” Danny rummages through the frig for a moment before settling on shredded cheese. It may have not been 3am there in Minnesota but it was 3 am somewhere and that was good enough. Dani whispered an ‘ew’ and Danny shrugged before stuffing his mouth.

“Come on, I wanna help find this ghost and pow pow!” Dani punched the air a few times in her “oh so killer” fighting moves.

“How do you know it’s a bad ghost?” Danny smirked and put a hand on his hip.

“How do you know it’s not?” Dani cocked an eyebrow and Danny silently agreed. “Besides, you totally need me, I’m the better Phantom here.” Dani flipped her ponytail and struck a pose. Danny let out a ‘ha!’ before stuffing his face again and placing the cheese back into the frig before turning invisible and slipping through the floor. Dani laughed and followed him to the basement. When they made it to the ground Danny changed into his ghost form. Dani was about to change too but a hand quickly stopped her and Danny told her no. 

“Now way are you going, if I remember correctly you need to pack to go back home. You know how Vlad gets when you’re never ready.” Danny said.

“Ughhhhh! He can wait! I haven’t been there in 6 months. I think he’ll be fine if I’m not ready for five minutes.” Dani crossed her arms and pouted but it didn’t phase Danny as he placed a hand on his hip and pointed for her to go back upstairs.

“I wish I was the older one,” Dani grumbled, turning invisible and flying away. Danny groaned and shook his head before turning back towards the portal. Danny wouldn’t have minded Dani tagging along if he had a better understanding of what was going on. But the older brother in him didn’t want to put her in danger. That was also the reason he hadn’t told Sam and Tucker about it. Over the past few years, Danny had found himself still sticking a toe in the ring before asking for help. Unlike before when he did it for hero points, he now was just worried about everyone around him. Danny stepped over to the button to open the portal and braced himself just in case he was opening it to another scream. Luckily the only sounds that came were the normal everyday portal sounds. Danny floated in and closed the portal with his remote on his utility belt. Wouldn’t want anyone who shouldn’t be out getting out.

Unlike the day before Danny actually saw other ghosts out and about. But something still felt odd or more so upsetting. As he flew around he tried to pinpoint the negative energy. Just then he heard fighting coming from his right on a random floating rock.

“Johnny I don’t wanna ride with you anymore!” Kitty yelled as she kicked off the bike and walked away from her boyfriend. Danny cocked an eyebrow as he watched Johnny and Kitty, it wasn’t unusual to see them going at it every once and a while. But something told Danny to keep watching. 

“Babe we don’t have time for this, whatever it is, we gotta get somewhere safe so we don’t hear that screaming.” Johnny kicked out his kickstand and hopped off his bike.

“No! You’re being reckless again, you’re always being reckless and look where it got us. I told you when it started let’s go to the human world and you told me no. Why don’t you listen to me?” Kitty crossed her arms and snatched away from Johnny when he tried to touch her.

“Well I didn’t think it would get this bad but now it's driving us all crazy. Get on the bike and we’ll go wherever you want, ‘k?” Johnny was trying to reason with Kitty but the other seemed to only get more upset. 

“I don’t wanna go there anymore, you’ll just try and chat up that redhead again!” Kitty turned and screamed at her boyfriend then quickly covered her mouth. 

“What?” Danny whispered to himself. That was so long ago, Danny himself almost didn’t remember it and he was the shittiest when it happened. Kitty had long forgiven Johnny after he explained why he did what he did. They even made up and were stronger together than before. So why would she bring up old news all of a sudden?

“J-Johnny why did I say that?” Kitty was scared by the words that left her mouth. She asked him again in panic and Johnny shook his head and grabbed her hand to hurry back over to his bike. They quickly rode off farther into the Ghost Zone. Danny flew off as well heading mindlessly in the opposite direction but was quickly stopped in his tracks when a blast nearly took off his face.

“Screw you Skulker!” Danny looked down and Saw Ember and Skulker ready to go head to head. Now this was new. Ember was fired up and ready to strum her boyfriend away with on note, while Skulker already had his weapons drawn. Danny had never seen them fight like this unless it was against him. Of course, the couple threw jabs at each other but honestly, they were in love.

“Just admit you were wrong, Ember, and we can move on from this.” Skulker refused to lower his weapon, the tech ghost was ready for anything.

“Why do you keep saying that? I didn’t do anything, you’re the one that fucked up!” Ember rose her peck in the air and slammed down on the strings sending a wave Skulker way. The other ghost quickly dodged it and fired back while Ember used her guitar to block it.

“I didn’t do anything! You’re the one that started it!” Skulker yelled back.

“Started what?!”

“I don’t know!” Skulker lowered his gun and thought for a moment. What were they fighting about? No really why were they fighting? They were just watching tv and talking about new music when all of a sudden they were at each other’s neck.

“I don’t know either,” Ember floated to a rock and placed her head in her hands. Skulker flew over to her and wrapped an arm over her shoulder. It was then he noticed Danny watching them.

“ What is going on?” Danny flew a bit closer and the couple shook their heads.

“The screaming is making everyone lose their minds, or what is left of them.” Ember answered. She looked so tired and worn out.

“Have you guys been fighting a lot?” Danny had a very weird idea that he wanted to test out.

“Is it noticeable?” Skulker scuffed and pulled Ember in for an apology hug. Ember smirked and accepted it.

“I just saw Johnny and Kitty fighting and it was weird.” Danny thought out loud as he tried to fit the pieces together.

“That’s not new, what’s new is Box Ghost and Lunch Lady fighting. I saw them yesterday throwing things back and forth before Lunch Lady got the upper hand and shoved Box into a container.” Ember started to chuckle to herself and Skulker followed. The couple then started cracking jokes about how dumb other ghosts were. 

“Has anything else seemed out of place around here?” Danny hated to interrupt their kiki time but he really needed answers.

“Desiree has been crying about that sultan guy again.” Skulker answered.

“Poindexter keeps muttering about somebody named Dexter wanting to apologize to him or whatever.” Ember added. “Did you know Spectra and Bertrand were a thing? I didn’t until I saw them going at it.” Danny made a face of disgust, he honestly thought Spectra would be with someone else.

“So it's mostly couples or people with some type of relationship being affected, but why?” Danny scratched his head trying to figure out the connection and the screaming but he kept drawing a blank.

“Oh god don’t tell me the screaming is coming from a heartbroken ghost, that is lame.” Ember said, she rolled her eyes and made a fake gagging noise.

“Seems like the likely case.” Danny had to agree with her, that was pretty lame.

“Well she needs to get over it, we’re already dead, move on.” Danny had to bite his tongue from calling Ember a hypocrite when it took a long while for her to move on to Skulker.

“Skulker, do you have any idea where the screaming could be coming from?” Danny asked, hoping for a lead. The tech ghost removed his arm from Ember and hit the button on his wrist to bring up an echo map. He tapped at the holo screen a few times then turned the projection towards Danny.

“Southbound heading almost towards the pits, which is surprising. No one in their right mind should be near the pits.” Danny had heard of the pits before, it was basically the darkest part of the Ghost Zone. It was said that no matter how hard you tried to light your way it seemed to only get darker and darker. “You’re going to go, aren’t you?” Skulker asked Danny and the young ghost smirked and shrugged.

“Someone has to keep you all under control, if not me like always then who? Catch ya later.” Danny bided a farewell to the couple who seemed to be in a way better mood and started to head downward. 

[bangtiddies]

Phantom

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader Genre: Heavy Angst, Parent AU, Bittersweet Fluff Rating: PG15 Words: 3.9k Warnings: major character death, hospitals, mentions of a road accident, mentions of blood, trauma, emotional turmoil, lots and lots of hurt i’m sorry

Summary: "It’s your papa and mama’s song.”

Note: Inspired by SEKAI NO OWARI’s 幻の命 (Maboroshi no Inochi/Life of Phantom)

Tagging my support team @mygsii​​ and @starlightseoks​​ who gave me validation when I needed. Love you! ❤️❤️❤️ Part of @bangtanscenery​‘s April Showers Bring May Flowers Collab

You’re in a field filled with yellow and orange flowers. Bunny shaped clouds fill the sky on a beautiful blue canvas. You see a small child – your child – a few metres in front of you, picking the flowers and squealing in glee. Yoongi is crouching next to Sunmi, gummy smile present as she hands him flower after flower.

This is a dream, you think to yourself, it has to be.

With each step you take toward the two most important people in your life, the scene changes. The sky turns darker, the flowers turn fake, Yoongi’s smile disappears into a frown. You’re afraid of what’s about to happen next. You run toward Sunmi, reaching out to her. You try so hard to grasp her, to give her the biggest hug you can.

Sunmi’s screams fill your ears.

And before you can wrap your arms around her, she disappears.

You wake up suddenly, sweat running down your forehead, feeling like you want to scream.

Yoongi isn’t on the other side of the bed next to you.

There’s a moment in your life you hold dear to your heart. One you never want to let go.

Laughter and singing fills the kitchen, you’re stirring dinner and singing along to the song playing from speakers. The vase of fresh yellow and orange flowers sitting on the kitchen counter, a reminder of Yoongi’s love for you. As the old jazz tune continues, Sunmi giggles at Yoongi’s weird impromptu dance from her seat in the high chair. She makes grabby hands at him and he lifts her into his arms, swaying with her to dance. You smile fondly at the two, still singing to the melody. Yoongi joins in with the singing.

Little girl, You’re the one girl for me, Little girl.

The memory is filtered with golden rays of the evening sun, the distinct smell of the macaroni cheese that Sunmi loved, the sound of Yoongi’s laughter and Sunmi’s giggles. A happy moment of flowers, songs, and gummy smiles.

Yellow and orange that you’ll never see, a moment that could never happen again. The love in the air that was once there is no more, yellow and orange turned into blue and red. The moment is one you hold onto like it’s a lifeline, to keep you moving, to keep you going on. To remind you of the love that there once was, the love that you can no longer hold, the love that you miss, the love that will never be remade, no matter how hard you try.

The memories feel like a dream. Life, now, feels like a nightmare. A nightmare you can’t wake up from.

“Y/N,” a voice tries, reaching into your darkness and looking for the light you once had.

“Yeah?” you whisper, not looking at him. The voice sighs.

"Please," he begs. "Look at me."

You reject the voice, the light he tries to bring. The darkness swallowing you up, suffocating you. You're not sure if you want out.

"No," you whisper, turning yourself away from him, away from his light. "I can't. Not after what I've done."

The voice stays in your room. Dejected sighs and sobs that you pretended not to hear plaguing your mind. He wants to pull you out of the darkness, to embrace you.

"Please," the voice tries again. The desperation in his voice moves you to look at him. His concerned face, his yearning for your attention bringing tears to your eyes. Looking at his face, your guilt rises to your throat. This is why you didn't want to look. He smiles at you, but it doesn't reach his eyes. Your guilt feels heavier.

"I'm sorry," you blurt, guilt escaping through your lips.

He smiles. It's sad. So, so sad. Why is he smiling if he's sad?

"It's not your fault."

The white corridors of the hospital are daunting, flashes of blue and red circling your vision.

You run down the endless halls, not knowing where you’re going, but you continue to run and run, looking, searching for any hint of yellow and orange. The corridor repeats itself, empty white halls with flashes of blue and red, red, red.

The corridor turns into the field of yellow and orange flowers, bunny shaped clouds in the sky. Sunmi is picking flowers with Yoongi.

You try running to Sunmi but the storm comes again and she disappears just before you can hold her in your arms.

You wake up, sweating.

The trace of Yoongi in your bed feels like it’s disappearing, the comfort you used to have dissolving into an empty feeling.

The red lights from an ambulance and the blue and red from the police cars plague your mind. Blue, red, red, red. Blue, red, red, red. The colours flash in your vision as thoughts repeat in your head. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault.

Yoongi’s worried face comes into view. He looks upset, panic-stricken, eyes looking between you and the doctors tending him. Scratches cover his face, blood, red, so much red. You look at yourself, a few scratches but barely any injuries, then to Yoongi, at his arm, at his hands, his livelihood, his career, all gone in an instant.

It’s all my fault.

It was an argument over something so stupid, so minuscule. You wouldn't let it go, so stupidly angry at the situation, making sure that Yoongi heard every single word you said. You should have let it go. The main focus should have been on the road, not the argument.

The accident happened too fast for you even to realise what had happened until you're sitting in an ambulance, barely scratched, very scarred. Yoongi, beautiful and kind, holds your hand in the ambulance as tightly as he can with the strength he has. Darkness plagues your mind.

It's all my fault.

You look at Yoongi, heart constricting, throat dry, realising the situation. Realising where you are, in A&E at the closest hospital. Realising about the one person you didn't want to leave when they had to be whisked away for immediate care as soon as the ambulance arrived.

Sunmi.

Her small body so fragile, almost lifeless, fighting for her life. The paramedics trying to calm your panic at the sight of her, assuring you that they're going to try their best to save her.

You don't want to think the worst. You really don't. But after what happened, you can't help yourself.

It's all my fault.

Panicked eyes meet concerned, teary-eyed ones. You feel numb, mind shutting down, shock getting to your system. You want to cry, to feel pain somewhere, to scream out all the stress that resides in your spine. Yoongi softly mutters your name, good hand reaching out to hold your hand, but you hear nothing but muffled sounds, feel nothing but phantom hands.

And when your whole world comes crashing down from a sombre expression on a stranger’s face, you feel nothing, no pain, no tears. All you feel now is guilt.

It's all my fault.

“Your fault?” Yoongi asks in disbelief, staring at you as if you’d grown two heads.

“Yes, it’s all my fault, Yoongi,” you say, voice cracking. “I initiated the fight in the car. You’ve said before that my nagging might get us killed, and now look what I’ve done.” You take a deep breath, hiding your face into your hands, not wanting to look at Yoongi, at your husband who loved you with all his heart, fearing that he would look at you with such judgement, such disappointment, such hatred.

"Y/N," he whispers, good hand reaching out, reminding you of the cast that his other arm is in, feeding your guilt, feeding your pain. His career, ruined. All because of a fight that you caused. You flinch away from him.

"It's all my fault," you whisper.

"Y/N, please, look at me."

You refuse to do so, moving yourself away from him, turning away from where he is. "Sunmi. She's--"

"I know," Yoongi interrupts. "But we can't take her back. No matter how much we want her."

"It should've been me."

"Do you realise what you're saying?" Yoongi asks, breath shaking. "We lost our daughter, Y/N. Why does it feel like I'm losing you too?"

Yoongi's hurt hurts you more than your own.

You’re back in the white hospital corridor. The bench you’re sitting on is uncomfortable. What is this room you’re sitting outside of? Where do the doors lead to?

No.

You don’t want to be here anymore. You want to be away from these doors. You run down to where you think the exit is, the white hospital halls endless. And then, the flashes of lights. Blue, red, red, red. Blue, red, red, red. The hospital corridor repeats itself, constant white with flashes of blue and red.

Until you’re in the field of yellow and orange flowers again, with bunny shaped clouds in the sky. Yoongi and Sunmi are picking flowers together, about ten metres from where you’re standing.

You try calling out their names, but they don't hear you. You take a step toward them. The flowers below your feet start to wilt.

The more steps you take, the more the scenes start to darken. The flowers in Sunmi and Yoongi's hands wilt, looking sad and brown. Yoongi notices the storm starting above them and he stands up, taking Sunmi's hands into his, before walking away from you.

Afraid of losing sight of them, you run. Calling their names desperately, you run toward them. The sky goes grey, clouds darkening with every step you take. Thunder and rain looms above you, as you continue running. And when you're about an arm's length from them, Yoongi and Sunmi disappear into the storm.

When you wake up, Yoongi's empty side of the bed feels colder than it ever did before.

You hardly see Yoongi in your small flat anymore. The rift between the two of you increasing as the days and months go by, as you push him away to avoid seeing the hurt on his face whenever he talks to you. The flat feels colder without the presence of your husband but you never dwelt on that feeling. You only focused on numbing that pain in your chest.

Now, you're alone and afraid. Yoongi's presence used to be warmth, and the lack of it suddenly hits you harder than the hurt looks he would give you. The flat is cold, empty, dull – endless nights of grief and guilt stripping away the liveliness that was once there.

The kitchen that used to be filled with laughter, now silent and blue. The vase of wilted flowers reminding you of the love that was once there, had you not pushed it all away. You want to scream at the vase, throw it to the ground and let the memories shatter into pieces. But your love for the person who gave you those flowers stops you from doing so.

Fear stops you from reaching for your phone calling the one person you need right now. Fear of his reaction. Fear of the likelihood of his love for you gone. Fear of hearing his voice differently to how you remember.

Instead, you stare at the wilted flowers on the kitchen bench, heart mourning for the child you lost, and the love you let go.

You noticed that somehow, you always had enough food in your fridge and pantry, despite never going outside your own room for anything other than work. A small part of you had hoped that Yoongi was the one bringing the food in, until you find Seokjin putting things into your fridge from a supermarket bag one morning. The look of shock on his face when he sees you is enough to show you how long it’s been since you last acted like a functioning human being.

“Y/N,” he says quietly, voice cracking a little. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” you try to smile.

Seokjin smiles. “That’s good to hear.”

He stares at you, block of cheese in hand forgotten. You can understand his reaction, having hardly seen anyone since the last time you spoke to Yoongi. Jimin had popped in once, but you had completely ignored him. Yet here you are, freshly out of the shower and clothes on ready for work, attempting to smile and talk to someone.

“Thanks, by the way,” you say to Seokjin. “For the food.”

“Ah, it’s all Yoongi. He couldn’t come today cause he had some last minute work to do.”

The hope comes back in flutters of cherry blossom petals, pink tinting the grey in your heart. Then, a small amount of fear, of the thought that you’ll have to face Yoongi soon. You’re afraid you might push him away from you further.

But the digital clock on your stove reminds you of the time, and you need to rush out of the door soon or else you’ll be late for work. You look back at Seokjin, try to smile again but it feels odd.

“I have to go to work, but thank you for, um, today. Can you tell Yoongi that I said thank you?”

Seokjin shrugs. “I mean, I can, but I think he’d rather hear it face to face.”

You take a shaky breath. “I don’t know how to face him,” you tell Seokjin honestly.

“I know of a way,” Seokjin says with a smile, and although you want to ask him for it, your time is running out. Giving him a thankful nod, you bid a quick goodbye and leave the flat for work.

And hours later, Seokjin’s knowing smile etched into your mind, you come home to Yoongi sitting on the couch.

The white hospital corridor leads to the field of yellow and orange flowers again. The bunny shaped clouds look softer, like a storm isn't going to come. Sunmi and Yoongi are picking flowers, far away from you. You want to run toward them, but you remember what happens when you do that. Instead, you decide to sit down in the field and watch them from afar.

Only a few minutes pass before Sunmi notices you sitting there and points a finger at where you are, turning Yoongi's attention toward you. His gummy smile now a concerned frown.

This time, instead of you running to Sunmi, she runs to you. Yellow and orange flowers in her small hands, she holds them out to you as her little legs brings her closer to you. At about a metre away from where you're sitting, she stops.

"Mummy, look!" She waves the flowers at you, gummy smile bright and wide. You want reach out, wrap your arms around her, but you're afraid she'll disappear again. Instead, you try to smile back at her. But you probably fail, because Sunmi frowns, and extends flowers out toward you and waves them in front of your face.

"Here, this is for you, mummy," Sunmi says, smile appearing again. "So you can be happy!"

Your heart hurts. Even if this is a dream, you want to be happy for Dream Sunmi. If only you can. Trying another smile, you reach out to receive the flowers from her.

You wake up to your alarm for work.

The warmth in your bed tells you that Yoongi was sleeping beside you last night.

The air is awkward. But seeing Yoongi looking at you with some hope and adoration, the red fear you had about his feelings filters away into pink hope. His hands are wrapped around a mug of coffee, steam drifting up and swirling in the air.

He shifts a little on the couch, placing the mug down on the coffee table before breaking the awkward silence between the two of you. "Do you want a cup of coffee or something?"

"Tea please," you say quietly, voice cracking a little, how easy it is to lose words in his presence.

Yoongi makes his way to the kitchen to prepare your cup of tea, and you find yourself following him, not wanting him to leave your line of sight. You try to gather some words, apologies sitting in your mind but finding it difficult to bring them to your tongue.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt, wincing a little at how odd it felt, and Yoongi freezes, sighing at the cup of tea in front of him before turning to face you.

“You don’t need to apologise.”

“I pushed you away,” you admit in a whisper. “I hurt you.”

“We were grieving,” Yoongi says with a sad smile. “I had views on how we should’ve been coping. I got upset because it didn’t work. You didn’t hurt me.”

You sigh a shaky sigh. No. You did hurt him. Even if it was unintentional and he doesn’t blame you, your shutting him out of your life had hurt him. You know him well enough – you’ve been married for years. You’re worried that he’s tip-toeing on eggshells around you, because of the way you were coping with grief until now.

“Then why,” you ask. “Why is there this awkward tension between us?”

Yoongi’s smile drops, and you notice his breathing, how he’s trying to hold back tears. “I think we’re afraid. Afraid of going back to the way we used to be. Without Sunmi.”

Sunmi’s absence is like a hole in your heart, but you strangely don’t miss her. You don’t tell Yoongi about your dreams, and you don’t remind him that you haven’t cried since her death. Going back to normal without your daughter is terrifying, but you realise that you miss Yoongi more. You want to feel his warmth in your bed again. You’re yearning for him, his love, his kindness.

You hold his hand, a gesture that you would always use to comfort each other. Yoongi looks at you, eyes teary and breath hitching. You try to smile, hoping that your eyes tell him your thoughts. That you’ll fix what was broken, that you’ll find a way through the darkness.

Together.

“I’ve been at the studio with Namjoon,” Yoongi says one day, sitting across from you in the small cafe close to your flat, having decided to spend the day together. The tension between the two of you is starting to fade away, yet you still find it difficult to bring yourself in his arms. Still, you’re taking yourself out of the dark greys, spending more time with Yoongi, the love and support he gives you each day bringing colour into your life. You hope that you’re giving back too, with the same love and support.

“Is there a new project coming up,” you ask.

“No, I mean,” he takes a deep breath. “That’s why I wasn’t around much. I’d work hours in the studio until I passed out on my keyboard.”

“Oh,” you say quietly. “I’m sorry if I drove you to work hard.”

“No, you didn’t,” Yoongi says quickly, before cocking his head to the side in thought. “Actually, you were the reason. Kind of. I was writing a song for you. For us.”

You almost want to laugh, Yoongi bringing shy feelings to your chest. “I… I’m sure I’ve told you that you don’t need to be writing me songs.”

“Trust me,” Yoongi says with a smile, reaching out to hold your hand. “You’ll want to listen to this song.”

Cups of coffee finished, Yoongi leads you to his studio. The fogged glass door sort of intimidating as you stand in front of it, bracing yourself for what you might see in there. It’s been such a long time since you were here, those times when Yoongi would invite you over, telling you that he’s seeking inspiration, sweet whispers for his muse.

Door opens, and you’re met with a room that hasn’t changed. The only thing that’s different, is the black cover over the upright piano that’s tucked away in the corner of the room. From the dust that’s scattered on the cover, you can tell that the piano hasn’t been touched in a long time.

“Come,” Yoongi whispers, holding your hand and guiding you to the seat by the computer. He hands you a pair of headphones, and you put them over your ears as he clicks on an audio file named Sunmi_05.

The song starts with a low hum, before it bleeds into a piano melody. You can’t help but glance over to Yoongi’s hands, left hand damaged. You wonder how difficult and frustrating it must’ve been for him to play. Guilt rises in your chest, but you try to focus on appreciating the song. The melody is beautiful, yet melancholic. You feel a sense of reminiscence, bittersweet, yearning, reaching. All in a soft melody that Yoongi probably spent a long time working on.

And then, it bleeds into the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard in your life.

A giggle.

Sunmi’s giggle.

You gasp, wide eyes turning to Yoongi’s that are brimmed with tears. He smiles at you, and nods, knowing exactly where you are in the song. You don’t take your eyes off Yoongi as you continue to listen, hearing the melody of the piano smooth out into Sunmi’s voice. The sounds she’d make when she’s eating macaroni cheese and wants to tell you she’s loving it by humming. The made-up songs she’d sing to her teddy bears. The gibberish into the microphone from the times she’d visit Yoongi’s studio. Collections of audio files from home videos and studio recordings, all compiled together to create a song over a beautiful piano melody.

The piano melody slows, Sunmi’s humming fades out, and you’re about to open your mouth to say something before you hear a different voice in your ears.

“Sunmi, do you love mummy?”

It’s your voice. You remember this day, when Sunmi was just starting to learn how to form sentences, and you wanted to film every moment. This is the audio from your favourite video.

“I love mummy!” Sunmi replies enthusiastically, struggling a little with the word ‘love’, but sounding so proud of herself.

Next, comes Yoongi’s voice, low and raspy, but filled with such love and adoration. “Do you love daddy?”

“I love daddy!”

“Do you love Sunmi,” your voice asks. You can almost hear Sunmi’s smile brighten up, and you can’t help but smile at the audio too.

“I love Sunmi!”

The song ends.

And for the first time since Sunmi’s death, you feel tears running down your cheeks. Yoongi takes you in his arms, warmth embracing you in such a comforting way, and you let yourself cry into his arms.

“Thank you,” you sob to him, pulling away so you can look at him in the eyes. “I love you. So much.”

Yoongi smiles, tears threatening to spill. “I love you too.”

Yellow and orange flowers surround you, Sunmi and Yoongi sitting beside you. The sun sets, painting pinks and oranges in the sky. The bunny shaped clouds look like they’re bouncing in their own field of flowers.

“Are you happy, mummy?” Sunmi asks you, handing you flowers with a bright gummy smile.

“No,” you answer honestly, but you find yourself smiling at your daughter, who looks at you with wide and curious eyes. You turn to Yoongi, who looks at you with care and love, the way he always looks at you. You’re in love. So in love. But you won’t deny that you’re hurting too.

“Will you be happy one day?” Sunmi asks. You chuckle a little, reaching out and hugging her, letting out a breath of relief when she doesn’t disappear in your arms.

“Yes,” you say to her, reaching out to hold Yoongi’s hand while still holding Sunmi in your arms. “One day, I’ll be happy.”

Yoongi’s arms are wrapped around your waist when you wake up.

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Movie Review: The New Mutants (Spoilers)

Spoiler Warning: I am posting this review the week following the movie first airing in the U.K, so if you haven’t yet seen The New Mutants do not read on until you have.

General Reaction:

A three year delay for the final instalment of a twenty-year franchise, was it ultimately worth it? Well as an X-Men fanatic I am always going to say yes, it wasn’t a swan song or a wrap up to the X-Men Cinematic Universe, far from as it was originally pitched as the start of a trilogy and does sew the seeds for that. However, while Dark Phoenix did feel like a sombre instalment not only for that “First Class” timeline but also the team movies as a whole, this had an air of sadness to it because this is the last time I will see anything X-Men related on the big screen for who knows how long.

In that sense, this was an emotional movie for me, more than just the fact that the emotion of fear is a running theme through the movie. However, in terms of my actual enjoyment of the movie, it was a very good movie for what it was.

When your very final movie is effectively an origin movie then there’s always going to be that sense of incompleteness, and what this movie teases both for these characters and who is the big bad behind all of this, it’s really frustrating to know it’s over before it truly starts.

With that in mind, The New Mutants is very slow to get started as there’s a lot of exposition and because it feels like it’s own branch of the X-Men Cinematic Franchise, similar to Deadpool, there is a level of “Beginner’s Guide to Mutants 101″ at play here with the explanation of what a Mutant is and when a young or “New Mutant” first discovers their powers that, to give this movie credit, I have never truly seen explored properly outside of the comics other than a quick explanation from Storm to Jubilee in the first episode of X-Men: The Animated Series.

It’s also disappointing to know that unlike X-Men: The Last Stand or Dark Phoenix, there isn’t a sense of finality for these characters as we have just been introduced to them. Outside of Sunspot who has briefly appeared in X-Men: Days of Future Past, this is the first cinematic appearance for all of these characters. The X-Men are briefly mentioned and Professor X is alluded to quite cleverly but every character outside of Sunspot is debuting here and to know they’re never going to be seen in this continuity again with a chance to develop is very sad.

In terms of the “horror” aspects of this movie I have to say this is very comic-book horror as in how Blade in the late 90s was horror. If you know the jump scares in this movie are coming then there are no jump scares, so basically if you’ve seen the trailers you know the jump scares.

As a horror movie, it felt very much like It-lite in terms of the theme of bringing nightmares into reality, only without the hard R-rating of the blood and gore because outside of one maybe two scenes there is nothing truly horrific to look at here.

There’s also a great parallel to the Gentlemen from Buffy the Vampire Slayer shown from their episode in this movie and the Smiley Men who are Illyana’s nightmare brought to life. They’re creepy like them but they’re not as sinister as them...and that is a great choice of wording considering who the big bad behind the scenes of this movie is.

As an X-Men movie, which is what this is as the New Mutants in the comics are basically younger versions of the X-Men, as I say the first half of this movie isn’t that power heavy but is about introducing and establishing this team, the second half/last third on the other hand is power heavy. Not exactly Days of Future Past or Apocalypse heavy but still heavy for the powers this group of Mutants have.

Overall generally as both an X-Men movie and a comic-book movie, this was really a great movie particularly for the first new movie I have seen since lockdown.

Characters:

So this breakdown will be easy as there’s only really six characters to talk about but I’m going to make it a seven-character breakdown as the looming presence in the shadows of this movie deserves their own section.

Illyana Rasputin:

Alright so it is somewhat difficult to say if Illyana is my favourite or if Rahne is my favourite but I ultimately landed on Illyana for first as Anya Taylor-Joy is really in the spotlight the entire way through this movie. Every time she’s in a scene she commands the attention, and all five of the New Mutants have solo scenes so for Illyana to stand out the most, this is why she is #1 for me.

I’m not entirely sure where this movie takes place in terms of the overall X-Men timeline...but considering it’s supposedly in the revised timeline and Colossus is a member of the X-Men in the late noughties/early 2010s, I imagine this is either around the same time or can even be modern day (2017 or 2020).

Anya Taylor-Joy is as suited to the role of Magik as Channing Tatum would have been as Gambit in my opinion. Not only does she have a reasonable Russian accent but she just simply looks like how Magik looks in the comics.

I loved the rebel teen angst she had all the way through from when we first meet her to the very end, not only is it fitting for the movie but in my opinion it’s fitting for the character. This is a girl that literally goes through some resemblance of hell and is effectively a serial killer so of course she is going to have this icy dark exterior.

In terms of powers, I am slightly disappointed she never fully armoured up, it was always just her left arm that she had armoured complete with Soulsword, whereas in the comics her main look is her entire body. I guess the argument could be made the majority of it is simply a uniform and her arm is the only part armoured but I would have liked to have at least seen her crown.

But Magik’s powers for me here are an interesting combination of Zatanna and Nightcrawler which is a very good combination. The scene where she first appears through limbo fighting the Smiley Men was very impressive.

I would have also enjoyed it if we had spent more time in Limbo, given that we always saw cameo flashes of it whenever she manifested a portal, but we never actually had a full scene of her in her “special place”.

Not being too familiar with the comics however, I am almost completely unaware of Lockheed as a character. My only prior knowledge is his appearance in Pryde of the X-Men as a pest and I have to say I much prefer him here. The animation of both Lockheed and the Demon Bear were stellar.

As I say, I feel we have only just scratched the surface with where this version of Magik could go. I doubt very much Kevin Feige would bring Anya Taylor-Joy back if/when he does bring the character into the MCU because he doesn’t like playing with used toys but if ever there was an exception I would hope it would be her.

Rahne Sinclair:

It is slightly obvious to think of when Maisie Williams was filming for this movie as her hair, unless it’s a wig, is in that “Arry” phase of her Game of Thrones tenure.

Because of the current entertainment climate and the non-starting stance this movie finds itself released in, I think the lesbian romance between Rahne and Dani is going to go unnoticed. But considering this is the first major LGBT romance in a comic-book property I feel this movie will be cheated out of that representation in favour of what is to eventually come from Marvel.

Outside of the romance, I feel Rahne’s story rooted in her religion and mutation was fantastic. I love me some werewolf action and I feel I saw enough actual wolf to satisfy Rahne spending most of her time in “halfway form” as the character has been known to do in the comics.

The fact her nightmare was that religious leader branding her as a werewolf and thereby a monster, not only was it believable given her character but also the parallels to devout religious views on homosexuality were subtle but there.

I do feel the character spent way too much time screaming towards the end of the movie. This girl is a werewolf but spent most of the final battle as the screaming protector of her unconscious lover, I mean she was I guess helpful in waking Dani back up but never truly let rip like I feel the character could have.

I’m not entirely sure if Williams has any Scottish heritage about her but the slipping in and out of the accent was slightly distracting at times. When she was able to be loud the accent was often broken but in her quieter moments or longer dialogue scenes you could hear it.

I do appreciate keeping the nationality of the character from the comics, considering the mess they made of Banshee and Moira MacTaggert, and I do understand having an at the time name talent like Maisie Williams in the role, but there are surely Scottish actresses out there and the casting pool wasn’t exactly high for this movie.

Dani:

The main character in this movie, or focal character I guess as it’s an ensemble movie, is either Illyana or Dani, but because we start with Dani and are introduced to the other characters through Dani I guess she is the focal character.

Again, I give credit to the movie for keeping the nationality of the characters from the comics, but while Anya Taylor-Joy and Maisie Williams border on appropriation as they are not Russian or Scottish themselves, although Anya is of Scottish Argentine descent, Blu Hunt is at least Native-American as Dani is. I think they come from different tribes but I don’t think people are going to focus too much on that technicality.

Similarly to all these characters I don’t really know much about Dani so have no frame of reference to compare her to. I remember she appeared in one episode of X-Men: Evolution and I know her powers involve dreams, which similarly to the majority of the characters in this movie lends itself beautifully to a horror movie, but that’s about it.

I felt her relationship with Rahne was genuine and her own “survivors guilt” over being the only member of her family still alive after the Demon Bear attack was well explained.

I just didn’t understand why it was decided that Reyes had to kill Dani because of the severity of her powers, maybe it was the unpredictability of her powers because their limitations are literally the power of imagination, but I thought Reyes was responsible for sorting out those capable of being killers...surely the power to bring nightmares to life as many times as it takes to kill the person qualifies?

With the Demon Bear being tamed at the end of the movie, I kind of don’t see anywhere for Dani to go if they did continue, she still has the power to solidify nightmares, and I guess she can always call on the Demon Bear, but unlike Rahne or Magik I do not see any further development for her.

Sam:

Sam Guthrie aka Cannonball was an interesting one for me as I knew the character and I knew the actor, but hadn’t properly seen either one fully explored before. I have not watched Stranger Things so do not really know Charlie Heaton’s acting potential...but what I do know is he is from Yorkshire and cannot really do a Kentucky accent.

As for the character of Cannonball, I thought that early scene of him strapping himself to that weight while zooming through the air to either test himself or hurt himself was really well realised. There wasn’t enough of him going full cannonball throughout the movie, mostly it just came across as a sort of super speed which in a way I guess it is but projecting that force-field while he is zooming about is what makes the power set unique.

Similarly to Dani he had guilt over his nightmare which was him causing a mining accident which killed his co-workers and dad, but unlike Dani who never really developed the thought of it being her fault for her family’s death because of her conjuring the Demon Bear, Sam did at least hold a lot of guilt over what had happened...despite his nightmare being probably the weakest as the main effect it had was totalling a washing machine.

I also didn’t understand the back-to-back scenes of Sam suggesting he was meant to be in the hospital and felt he had to be there, but then in the next scene him trying to walk out saying he doesn’t belong there. Maybe it was the editing but it just seemed like a complete 180 from scenes that were literally back-to-back.

Roberto:

As I said this is Sunspot’s second cinematic appearance and I guess in the revised timeline he has gone from being portrayed by Mexican actor Adan Canto to now Brazilian actor Henry Zaga.

I didn’t feel the boys in this movie had that much to do, with both Sam and Berto it did feel like them simply coming to terms with their powers. I did like how both had that fear of hurting people and both had to learn I guess to push past that fear.

With Berto’s fear though, I do feel his power first manifesting in conjunction to him reaching sexual maturity was very well explored, because of course the combination of testosterone and becoming a living solar flare are not exactly two things anyone wants to mix. So when the result is burning your girlfriend to a crisp it is going to shake you.

Outside of his powers though there wasn’t a lot to the character and it is hard to remember a good line that he or Sam had that weren’t douchey, but for what we got he was a good character.

Reyes:

Wow this woman deserved to be eaten by the Demon Bear, which by the way I found almost as humorous as Katie McGrath being carried away by a pterodactyl in Jurassic World.

But yes, this doctor was the “villain” of the movie as she was the agent of the big bad Essex Corporation in charge of determining the new mutants’ powers and whether or not they’re worth progressing to their facility.

Outside of that I didn’t really think much of her as a character, she wasn’t a sympathetic character, she wasn’t believing to be doing this for the benefit of these young mutants, she was simply following orders.

It’s a deviance from the comics where Reyes is a hero and member of the X-Men, whereas here she is far from it.

Alice Braga is also regionally appropriately cast as she is Brazilian whereas the character is Puerto Rican, although whenever she spoke I kept thinking about Gal Gadot a lot, even looks wise there are similarities.

Sinister:

Now let’s talk about the looming big bad who I imagine would have been the major big bad of this supposed trilogy. Despite the new mutants believing the facility to be owned and run by the X-Men, it is in fact run by the Essex Corporation...Essex as in Dr. Nathaniel Essex, a biologist obsessed with evolution who became the Mutate supervillain Mister Sinister.

I want to see Mister Sinister in a live-action movie so badly it’s unreal, they’ve done Apocalypse so why they can’t do Sinister I don’t know.

This isn’t the first time Sinister has been alluded to as the Essex Corporation was in an end credits scene of X-Men: Apocalypse that acquired samples of Wolverine’s blood presumably to create X-23, but because those events took place in the 80s and these events take place in somewhat modern day it’s hard to correlate the two.

Obviously we are no longer going to get X-Men movies in this universe and continuity, but with the seeds being sown for Sinister more than once now, the baton has been laid down for Feige to finally bring this villain to life.

Reccomendation:

If like me you are more or less interested in just completing the twenty-year franchise because you love these characters and any interpretation of them then this is the movie for you. However, don’t expect wall to wall action, and I would recommend not getting too attached to these characters. It’s too late for me with Illyana I already love her and already feel Anya Taylor-Joy has set a high bar for whoever plays Magik next.

But for me personally, this franchise has been my favourite movie franchise and my favourite property. Even the bad movies I can at least find something good about them regardless of if the overall movies have been good or not. But just to reiterate, I do feel this is one of the good movies.

In a ranking of the 13 movies (not counting Once Upon a Deadpool), this ranks somewhere between #6-8 for me.

Overall I rate the movie a solid 8/10, by no means the best or a perfect X-Men movie but by no means one of the worst. The movie benefits from new characters (aside from Sunspot) but suffers due to the inevitability of this being the definitive end for the current franchise.

So what did you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Movie Reviews as well as other posts.

[awedbynature]

To Love a Monster

Characters: Loki, Y/N

Category: Oneshot

(A Loki × Y/N fanfiction)

***

He literally drags you along as he strides past the corridors, his face an expressionless mask. Cold. As if set in granite. People scurry away from his path, looking at the two of you with scared and curious eyes. You can hardly keep the tears at bay.

‘Loki, wait,’ you gasp, almost stumbling on the hem of your dress.

He doesn’t listen.

The sky looks gloomy. It perfectly reflects your current mood. This is not what you had expected when you had set out to tell him in the morning. At least not this.

You pick up the dress and trot behind him. His grip on your wrist feels like iron shackles. But he is oblivious to your plight.

You try to dig in your heels. 'Stop! Where are you taking me?’

His eyes flash. He lets go of your hand and grabs your elbow.

'Don’t you want to know why?’

You gulp, feeling the desperation behind those words. It feels like a plea for help, though it doesn’t sound like one.

He turns and sets off at a slower pace.

The armoury looms nearer. You are confused. Why has he dragged you here of all places?

He orders the guards to open the gates. They eye you with suspicion, hesitating to comply. But he is stern, stamping the Gungnir down on the floor. The guards continue to ogle as he leads you past them.

He strides down the aisle, looking neither right nor left, till he reaches the end. You instantly notice the casket.

'What is this?’ you cannot help asking.

He turns and fixes you with a keen gaze, one that pierces your heart. His face is resolute. You grow sombre too. Taking a slow breath he speaks up finally.

'You wanted to know why, didn’t you? Why I could not accept your love. Why I turned you away so rudely?’ he pauses, turning away.

A few moments pass before he swallows and continues.

'It’s not your fault. It’s me. I’m not worthy. I never was. I am a monster. I don’t deserve to be loved.’ His voice cracks at the last sentence.

You shake your head, blinking back tears. 'No, don’t say that. You are not a monster.’

He scoffs. 'You will change your opinion soon enough. As will everybody else once they know.’

'Know what?’ your voice shakes slightly, dreading the answer.

A look of resignation comes over his face. He whirls towards the casket, jerking it up in one fluid moment. You gasp at the suddenness, waiting for something frightening to happen. But nothing actually does. Only the blue light swirls more agitatedly than before.

Then you notice it. Something you had heard during bedtime tales. Something meant to frighten you as a child. Your eyes trace the markings from his arms till they reach his face. It’s transformed too. His skin has turned blue, reflecting the tinge of the casket.

His red eyes are fixed on you the entire time. Observing you. Your gazes collide. Time hangs on the balance. Your astonishment must have been evident on your face. Because slowly, a cruel, twisted smile begins to form on his lips.

'Now you know why.’

Yet those eyes hold a different tale. They are sad, resigned. Tears threaten to flood your vision.

He notices but doesn’t understand. 'Yes, my dear,’ he mocks. 'Your tears are totally justified. You thought you had loved a prince. And now you realise what wrong you had done. This is what I am. A monster. So stop waiting for what’s never going to happen. Just run along and find someone who is worthy of–’

He never gets to finish his words. Your lips arrest them.

He goes still, holding his breath.

It doesn’t stop you. You grab his collar, pulling him closer, intent on making him understand. That it doesn’t matter. That you’ll love him no matter what.

You kiss him with all you have. But there is no response. You begin to have misgivings. Have you overstepped your boundaries? Have you really lost him? Is there nothing to be done? No hope left?

You step back, trying to gauze his reaction. His eyes are on you, silent, watchful.

You are embarrassed. Perhaps you had indeed overstepped your boundaries. You fumble, trying to fill the silence with words.

'I-I couldn’t bear you saying such things, you know. You were being so hard on yourself and I couldn’t–’

He kisses you. He pulls you flush against his chest, almost bending you backwards in his enthusiasm. His touch seems to scorch you, making you squeal in surprise before all reason departs. His lips are impatient, crushing yours in a rush of passion and longing. You gasp for breath as he returns again and again for more.

Your heart, that had stopped momentarily, threatens to burst in joy. Your tears fall freely, mingling with his.

He pulls you closer, if possible, supporting your weight as you lean into him. His scent surrounds you, his warmth engulfs, his breath steals into yours. You are lost.

Gradually, his kisses grow softer. The wild passion from a moment ago is gone. He drinks you in, savouring each touch, each brush of your lips. You pull back slowly, sigh ing in bliss. He swallows.

'I love you,’ he breathes, resting his forehead on yours.

'Good,’ you whisper back. 'Otherwise it would have been awkward.’

And you laugh through your tears.

He presses his lips to your forehead. 'What would I do without you?’ he murmurs.

You snuggle into his arms in reply. This is home. This is where you belong.

With Loki.

[torestoreamends]

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Recap: Part One, 24th May

Where to begin with this? I’m not sure whether to give opening assessments of the characters first, or line by line details. How about we start with the characters!

Ron

Thomas is just really delightfully funny. You forget that he doesn’t look like Ron, because he inhabits the character so well. Because he’s so jovial and bubbly all the time, the second timeline Ron is a stark and entertaining contrast. I think he’s brilliant, and he’s one of about five or six cast members who is completely nailing it already.

Hermione

I adore Rakie. She exudes Hermione’s authority, and she has this beautiful sort of Hermione-ish quality to her that I’m not sure I ever personally felt from Noma. She just has this presence about her. I feel so comfortable when she’s on stage, I trust her implicitly, and she and Thomas have already given me one of my favourite ever Romione moments.

Rose

Helen’s Rose is simply adorable. She’s young and bubbly and seems like she’s having so much fun. I love how she has no time for Scorpius’s flirting, and she seems to have such a sweet relationship with her parents.

Harry

I was surprised and delighted by how much I liked Jamie. I was really worried about him, because in the past I don’t have a good track record of enjoying Harrys who weren’t played by Jamie Parker, but I didn’t have any issues with him. There were a couple of decisions that he made that I thought were really beautiful, especially in the second timeline. I could really feel a change between his normal timeline Harry and how he was in the second timeline. You could tell, especially at times in that timeline, that he loves Albus and wants the best for him.

Ginny

I lot of the good Ginny moments come in Part Two (which I hadn’t realised; it’s fascinating how a new cast changes the whole balance and feel of the show), so I don’t think we’ve seen too much of Emma yet. But what I have seen I’ve liked, especially things she did around the duel scene. I can’t help but wonder if this cast have rehearsed the second timeline a lot, because that felt the most complete section of Part One for me.

Albus

From the first moment I saw the first photo of Theo in character, my impression was that he was uptight and insecure and nerdy, and that’s exactly what we got on stage. The photos and videos actually do give a really good sense of how these characters are being played, looking back on them with hindsight. I think Theo is really scared, but there are flashes of how he will be when he’s relaxed, and I do think we got a small sense of how he’ll be playing Albus going forward, which is entirely contrary to anything Sam or Tom ever did (although I actually really like that).

Draco

James has always been my favourite Draco. He exudes confidence and pain, and is one of those actors who’s shining. His Draco feels the most complete of all the characters on the stage, just because he’s had so much time to dig into him. I am so excited for his big moments in Act Two. I should also mention that it helps that James seems to have chemistry with everyone, from Thomas, to Jamie, to Samuel. All the people you want him to have chemistry with.

Scorpius

There is nothing to be said about Samuel beyond wow. His Scorpius is nothing like anything we’ve ever seen before. In a similar way to Theo, it’s the opposite to how Anthony or James played Scorpius. Brimming with confidence. Enthusiastic and excitable. His crush on Rose is so explicit and painfully cute. He’s just adorable, and he’s owning this character in a completely new way. Scorpius is Samuel’s now, and I’m delighted with him.

And with all that initial assessment out of the way, let’s have a look at the play itself!

*

Act One

Opening

One of the things that made the biggest impression on me when I first saw the play was the quality of Chris Jarman’s movement. He took so much time over every motion, and gave it all so much significance. I was afraid with what would happen when he left, but Mark Theodore completely nailed it. He did exactly what I loved about Chris, but in a whole new way. He’s more staccato in both his lines and his movements, but he really takes his time and owns the moments. He just stood and looked at the hat for a moment before putting it on, and because he took so much time we heard more of the music, which was pretty cool. He’s a lot more playful and buoyant than Chris’s sombre Sorting Hat. It’s a refreshing little change.

Platform 9 ¾ (Scenes One and Two)

The Potters now feel a bit like a posh family, less down to earth than before, and James Sirius fits that mould too. They’re sort of restrained and distant. They don’t have the same warm, open heart as before. Which is exactly what I got from their photo, so I think that’s how they’re going to play it.

The moment I decided I was fine with Jamie as Harry was ‘Don’t stop, and don’t be scared, you’ll crash right into it’. I don’t know what it was about that line, but I just sort of looked at him and felt that things were going to be okay.

I may or may not have had my fingers crossed during the transition onto the platform itself. I think I did that for all the big technical moments.

Tom was nailing it as Ron right from the word go. His nose stealing trick was great, and he milked it even more than Paul did.

I loved how much the Granger-Weasleys felt like a family in this scene. They just looked so fond of each other, and the lines where they were teasing Ron about his driving test felt completely natural and like they’d been having that sort of banter for years.

My highlight of the scene was the way Ron slipped James a bag of sweets while Harry and Albus were talking. Such an adorable little family moment, that I only happened to notice by chance.

I actually really loved end section when the adults are alone and talking after the kids have left. I thought they all did a great job with that, and the Hinny vibes I got were sweet. I liked their conversation, and that was the moment where I decided Emma was going to be fine. She’d already given Theo a massive hug, and I enjoyed how she was talking to Harry.

Scene Three

When Karl went and sat in the carriage with Scorpius, Scorpius got really excited and looked up from his book all enthusiastic. Karl stretched out a hand to him, and Scorpius was all ready to take it, but at the last second Karl withdrew his hand and thumbed his nose at Scorpius. (If there is anyone in the world who isn’t excited to see Mackley and Samuel as Albus and Scorpius then… I don’t really know what to say to you.)

I loved how Theo actually did a thorough assessment of the various carriages before going to the empty compartment. It always felt like Sam was either inexorably drawn to Scorpius, or maybe that his Albus was just kind of glancing into the bus carriages. But Theo took his time to study each one before deciding that they were too full.

I really have no idea where to start with Samuel. His ‘Hi Scorpius. I mean, I’m Scorpius. You’re Albus. I’m Scorpius’ had this sort of self-deprecating feel to it. He isn’t awkward and unsure of himself, he’s confident, and it felt like he was just laughing at his silly mistake. He wasn’t embarrassed by it at all.

He does have his own sweets song! I couldn’t possibly sing it for you, but he does have his own one, and that’s all I really wanted from him.

Theo’s ‘What do you mean, you know who I am?’ made it feel like all Albus’s fears were coming true at once. It wasn’t really a question, it was more resignation. He expected Scorpius to know who he was, and was scared that Scorpius would have a problem with it.

There’s a massive nose gag going on now. They’ve taken the stuff about Voldemort’s nose and run with it. When Rose said ‘look, you’ve got a nose’, Scorpius sort of felt it for a second like he was surprised it was there, and laughed. Also, later on, in the transition scene, the line ‘leave him and Voldemort’s child to it’, Mackley sort of pushed his nose flat against his face, making it into a Voldy nose.

Theo’s smile is really sweet. He really does smile when he’s around Samuel, which is nice. They have great chemistry, and there are times where Albus and Scorpius feel like an old married couple.

Theo really took his time considering whether Albus preferred Albus or Al.

I’m not sure if Samuel has more steam loaded into his Pepper Imp steam machine thing, or if he’s just figured out how to get more from it than James or Anthony ever did, but wow was that a lot of steam. He also took a really long time over that line. He said the line, then really carefully picked the right sweet from the bag, then tucked it away, then popped it into his mouth, then he grinned and made the steam go everywhere. Milking the trick for all it was worth.

Transition Scene

Polly Chapman is now Scottish and has purple streaks in her hair.

Mark’s Sorting Hat rhymes are a perfect demonstration of how he’s more staccato than Chris. He was sort of static as he delivered them, but in a good way, leaping from line to line in a sort of jagged fashion. Also, when he was sorting people he made almost beat boxing sounds, sort of muttering and ticking and hissing, and he did these jerky movements with his body.

Samuel does a lot of the muttering and mouthing that I’ve always liked, both when he’s being sorted and later on. I couldn’t work out what he was saying, but he was muttering something.

Karl started sweeping the floor with his broom when he said ‘Albus Potter, the Slytherin Squib’.

James Howard was perfect as Draco right from the word go. I loved the little hint of pain we got when he said ‘Astoria hasn’t been well recently’.

Samuel’s ‘Hi Rose’ was the most hopeful, enthusiastic little thing.

During Polly’s line ‘Even portraits turn the other way when he comes up the stairs’, Karl was pretending to be one of the portraits, turning his back and pretending to walk away. I hope whoever decided to give Mackley a speaking role in this thing knew what they were getting into. I’m not sure Karl is meant to steal the show…

The moment in the third year carriage ride is when you really get a sense of the front Scorpius is trying to put up. He was broken, but visibly struggling not to be so. The confidence and jokes make up this unshakeable shield around him, and you get flashes that tell you that this is a boy who has really deep running issues that he’s suppressing with all his might. I’m hoping that thread feels resolved, and I think it might do after the Voldemort timeline, although I’m not sure if I’ll be left wanting more of that. I’m not sure if the script gives the opportunities Samuel needs to fully play out that character choice. (But if it doesn’t, we can just fix it ourselves with fic, so that’s fine.)

Theo takes every opportunity he can to give Samuel a hug. When they left the carriage, Albus wrapped his arm right round Scorpius’s shoulders.

During the wand dance, Albus stayed with his wand the whole time, desperately trying to prise it from the ground.

Scene Five

I completely adored Rakie in this scene. Just her level of authority. Also her disapproval at Harry’s mess was deeply entertaining to me. She walked into that office and instantly despaired.

Jamie wasn’t bouncy and enthusiastic like Jamie P always was in this scene, which was a little bit of a shame. He also didn’t shout. He’s nowhere near as explosive and incendiary. He’s not Harry in the way Jamie P was, but I don’t think anyone ever will be. I’m convinced that Jamie P knows Harry Potter with a level of depth that is second only to JK herself. And that is impossible to top.

Jamie does an interesting thing where he stands up when he’s being told off, it’s like he’s trying to bring himself up to Hermione’s level. It goes along with the slightly stern demeanour he has, trying to bring himself an air of increased authority.

Scene Six

The moments where Barry and Sandy were on as Amos/Dumbledore and McGonagall/Trolley Witch felt like a wave from an old familiar friend. It was a little heartbreaking, but at the same time I’m so glad they’re still there.

I really liked how Jamie played with scene with Amos. There were little flashes of pain. He was struggling to be civil and authoritative and not let it show how much he was hurting.

I loved how Theo played the bit where Albus is eavesdropping on Harry and Amos. He sort of had his ear pressed to the banister on the stairs, like he was listening really hard through a wall, and you could really tell he was reacting to their conversation, rather than just moving up and down the stairs for the sake of it.

Annabel is a really cute Delphi. She just has a sort of lively energy to her, and so much enthusiasm. She feels really experienced beside the boys, and it’s actually comforting when she’s on stage with both of them. I could feel her encouraging them both along.

When Amos called her back, she made a little robot nose, but she didn’t do the whole mechanical walk down the stairs that Esther used to do. She hopped up on the bannister and tried to slide down it in a way that was really awkward, didn’t really work, and was presumably just to make Albus laugh. Also, before she left with Amos, she glanced back and gave Albus a wave. Her Delphi cares far more about connecting with Albus in that moment, than she cares about meeting Harry, which makes sense. Although Harry is Harry, Albus is her target.

Scene Seven

I think both Jamie and Theo were very nervous in the blanket scene. I could see Jamie’s hands shaking as he was messing with the blanket.

Jamie said a line in this scene that I have never ever heard Jamie P say. Possibly he said it during the previews, but he definitely always skipped it as a matter of course: ‘James has been going on about the Invisibility Cloak since time itself, and Lily – I knew she’d love wings – but you…’

I really liked the bit with the love potion. That worked well from both sides, Albus’s dismissiveness, and Harry’s attempts to justify it and defuse the conversation.

I loved how Theo was all curled up really small on the bed. He had his legs crossed and was just sort of perched there, looking vulnerable and tiny.

This scene didn’t ignite in the way it always did with Sam and Jamie P. With them it was like some had lit a fuse, and you could see the sparks working their way down to the dynamite at the bottom. It was only a matter of time before the whole thing went up. But with Theo and Jamie the anger sort of came out of nowhere without the build, which certainly made it shocking.

They both reeled back when Harry said he line, and Harry looked so heartbroken by what he’d just said. The second he’d said it you could see him shuffling his feet and flailing his hands, and panicking about it. He wanted to take it back, but he couldn’t. And Albus just looked broken.

As he ran out of the room, he dumped the blanket on the bed like he was fleeing, and only paused in the doorway to shoot the ‘no luck or love for me then’ over his shoulder as an after-thought.

The First Dream (Scenes Eight and Nine)

When Uncle Vernon was holding the gun, Dudley (Mackley again of course) was holding his fingers up like a little gun too.

Mark didn’t seem entirely confident walking down the stairs in Hagrid’s massive shoes. I can’t image it’s an easy thing to do. I never noticed with Chris that it might be tricky, but clearly it is.

Mark’s Hagrid is really happy and jokey. Again, he’s less sombre than Chris, and just seems to be having fun all the time.

I just realised that the way Jamie played out the beginning of waking up from the dream is basically exactly what’s written in the script. He didn’t scream or anything. He woke and sat on the side of the bed, breathing deeply and trying to calm himself down. He also got up and was really shaky and unsteady on his feet. Harry actually looked ill in that moment.

Again, I really liked the relationship between Harry and Ginny here. It was sort of quiet and caring and supportive.

Escaping the Train (Scenes Ten and Eleven)

I loved Samuel’s bread section. He just wasn’t at all deterred by Rose’s reaction. He kept digging and digging and explaining and explaining. Completely adorable.

The hug was really cute. Scorpius isn’t hugging back yet, so I know the hugs are just going to get sweeter and sweeter as we go on.

Scorpius was so happy about the quiz. He was having great fun. And Albus was quite delighted with how geeky he was. Scorpius was really thrilled to be called a geek, and his thank you was sort of breathless and excitable.

I loved how when Albus asked the third question, Scorpius just sort of looked at him, at a loss. Like he really didn’t know the answer to the question. And then in response, Albus stepped in to answer it for him.

Neither of the boys were as physical on the train roof as Sam was, but Sam was always truly excellent at the movement side of things.

I really loved the two Molliare spells, especially Samuel’s. He pronounced it in the cutest way, with a sort of like flick of his tongue on the ‘r’. It was very serious and correct. Which is perfectly Scorpius. That geek would definitely be really careful with his spell pronunciation.

The EGM (Scene Twelve)

I really liked how Hermione addressed Harry at the end of her speech. You can feel the friendship between them.

I loved James in this scene. He had a really commanding presence, and his voice is really powerful. When he shouted you knew about it.

The ‘a vote you only won because you are his friend’ line was really excellent. I can’t remember the exact detail of it, but I remember absolutely loving it. I think Draco might have pointed accusingly up at Hermione? It was really well delivered though.

James’s impression of Harry was spot on. He went very posh and mocking. And it’s genuinely hilarious for Draco of all people to mock someone for being posh.

St Oswald’s (Scenes Thirteen and Fourteen)

Much to my disappointment, the kids no longer play the old people, it’s all adults now. We had Mark and Martin and David and Rosemary, and a few others. So there’s no Mackley antics in that scene. However, Martin was wearing a dress, which more than makes up for the lack of Mackley any day.

Albus and Scorpius stuck really close side by side when they were calling for attention. They went very carefully and systematically to each of the three groups of people in turn to ask for help.

When the boys go into Amos’s room, I noticed that it was Delphi who cast the spell to make the wall close in on them. She flicked her wand at it, and then it started moving. Also, the boys no longer yell at the wall to stop, they seem to mostly trust Delphi’s magic, although they did keep glancing at it apprehensively as it followed them across the room.

This was the scene where the boys really felt like an old married couple, constantly muttering to each other and strategizing together, and checking in on one another.

When Amos was saying he’d read about Albus, Scorpius stepped forward to defend him, and then Amos turned on him, and Scorpius shrank back into his corner looking angry and upset, and Albus turned to make sure he was okay.

When Delphi offered to go with the boys, Albus mouthed a thank you at her, and she smiled.

Scene Fifteen

There was a lot I liked about this scene, and some things I was uncertain about. My main issue was that Ron and Ginny don’t feel like brother and sister. They’ve connected with their respective on stage partners, but not with each other so much yet.

Thomas was really doing well in this scene. He and Rakie were kind of holding it together and driving it along. His bit about the trolls going to a party was really well done, and I loved Rakie’s line about not being Cornelius Fudge. She really does have a lot of authority, and is very sensible and level-headed as Hermione. I just love that quality about her.

The Polyjuice Sequence (Scenes Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, and Nineteen)

Samuel is already delivering on Scorpius’s disgust about fish. It took Anthony ages to reach that level. I love it.

Annabel did a little bit of Sam’s ringing/alarm clock noise that he used to make when he would transform. It was just a subtle little thing, but it felt like a tiny tribute to the second hand embarrassment of watching Sam and Anthony do that scene. I appreciated it.

Jamie and Thomas completely nailed their transformations, and got a round of applause for it. Their pain and yelling was great.

I also think that Jamie and Thomas both did really well with capturing Scorpius and Albus. Jamie had all of Scorpius’s confidence, and Thomas was just so awkward at times. When I was watching Thomas, I felt like I was getting a flash of how Theo’s Albus will be when he has more confidence.

Rakie was really late into Scene Seventeen, and they had to wait for her for a while.

The line about the Prime Minister has definitely been changed to ‘she’ now. Nicola always said she, but Noma never did, however Rakie definitely went for she.

Draco and Ginny yelling at each other was really good. I was really happy with how they did that.

James is heartbreaking with the ‘he’s my sole heir’ line. He broke himself off even before he’d started the word heir, and he just looked down and finished the line. He really does look so much like Lucius, and you can sense the ‘every inch his father’, but at the same time, the fundamentals of that line are so different from how his father would have been. In the script that is the line where Draco is most closely compared to Lucius, but onstage it’s one of the lines where he’s furthest from him in terms of attitude.

During the part where they’re trying to hide outside Hermione’s office, I heard a lot more of the offstage dialogue than I usually do. They really paused to let that be heard which was cool. I liked hearing the details of that conversation. I don’t think I’ve ever heard them before.

Thomas’s baby or a holiday section had me in physical pain from laughing so hard. The comedy was very physical, more so than how Paul played it.

After the first kiss, Albus was just pulling the most disgusted face and wriggling his tongue around like he was trying to get rid of an awful taste.

When Hermione was trying to get into her office, she kept reaching in, and Albus would bat her hand away, then she’d come from another angle, and Albus would bat it away again.

The baby or a holiday line was said with Albus kind of hugging Hermione awkwardly from behind, and kissing up and down her arm and across her neck. Apparently that’s what he thinks of as affection.

The really cool thing about how this scene was played was that it was definitely Albus doing it. There was no confusion for me at all between Albus and Ron, but sometimes when Paul used to do the scene, I would forget it was Albus doing all those things. It’s great having the really distinct separation.

I thought Jamie was absolutely great as Scorpius. In fact, I thought all the adults were really wonderful in this scene. This was one of my favourite scenes of the night. When they were going through the books on the shelves they seemed to be having so much fun, and there were moments where Jamie just really palpably owned the confidence that Samuel has.

I am relieved to say that the answer to the first riddle is now delivered in a way that actually makes sense to me. I no longer have to cringe every single time we reach that line.

At one point one of the books didn’t come out on cue, and then Theo started to go too early for the bit where Albus is briefly spat out of the bookcase then sucked back in. Thankfully he managed to wriggle back in without anyone (apart from me apparently) noticing.

Samuel brought as much to the end of this scene as Anthony always has, which was just really exciting. When he plucked the book off the shelf he sort of punched the air and cheered, and he was just really excitable, owning the stage when he was out there alone. He’s really exceptional.

I felt a real genuine emotion and relief from the actors during the line ‘only just begun and it’s almost half-killed us’. All three of them were really happy at that moment. They survived Act One! Only just, but they did survive it. And the only way is up.

* 

Act Two

Scene One

I really quite like the new Petunia. I haven’t seen a lot of her yet, but I think she’s good!

I absolutely loved how Jamie played this dream. He made it so Harry was just nodding off on the stairs, rather than that he was in physical pain and discomfort. Then when the time came for him to look at his younger self, he didn’t seem to jerk awake, he just rose exactly like he was sleepwalking and turned to look. It made so much more sense to me that way.

Scene Three

The new cast aren’t yet one hundred percent comfortable with the Floo Powder transitions. They haven’t quite got the nimble timing of the original cast yet. But in a way that’s actually quite nice, because Floo travel is a pretty awkward and uncomfortable thing anyway.

Ron came up from the kitchens with a half-eaten apple, which was pretty entertaining. I don’t remember Paul ever coming on with food, but maybe he did and I never noticed!

I absolutely loved the animosity between Ron and Draco as they glared at each other across the table in this scene. That was the moment that showed me the chemistry between them. They’re going to be great.

Scene Four

There was a truly sweet little moment with Theo and Annabel at the beginning of the Expelliarmus scene. As they ran on, they went to the back of the stage, and it looked like they had a little moment of interaction before they came forward to start the actual scene itself. It felt like Annabel was giving Theo some confidence, and I was wondering whether maybe the Expelliarmus trick hadn’t worked during rehearsals that day or something. It worked perfectly of course on the night, and they both looked incredibly pleased with themselves.

Annabel gave Theo a little sort of nose boop thing after the second Expelliarmus. She also did a silly little jazz hands thing when she said ‘Great. Wizzo!’, and then Samuel copied the jazz hands when he asked ‘What’s wizzo?’

Scorpius’s level of excitement and over-enthusiasm when he said he’d found a way through to the school was adorable and very funny. And when no one reacted he just sort of deflated and started checking that the plan really would work.

Delphi apologised to Scorpius that Albus had picked her. She glanced at him and gave him a little apologetic wave, and he was all ‘fine, fine’ while looking slightly mutinous.

One of my favourite Anthony lines was the ‘second point, more significant point’, and Samuel absolutely nailed that one. He just spat it at Delphi, and it was great.

Annabel added in a little bit of a line in this scene. She said something like ‘I don’t think I’m smart enough to pretend to be a student’, just a little self-deprecating twist on the line that Esther definitely didn’t ever do, and that isn’t in the script. I find it fascinating that there are still adjustments being made to the script and to the tracks.

Scorpius kind of leant in to Albus for the ‘pale and red’ line, and was all conspiratorial about it. Also he did this sort of circling gesture to his own face, and he seemed genuinely concerned for Albus’s well-being. He wasn’t teasing Albus at all, he was worried at the extraordinary colour he’d gone.

Theo put his arm round Samuel as they ran off after this scene. That was a perfect example of their unnecessary hugging.

Scene Five

This was one of just a handful of scenes where I really missed Jamie P. Jamie’s searching for the boys just didn’t convince me. He didn’t seem terrified enough, and there was no variation in how he called their names.

Nuno was great of course, although there was some hesitation before Bane came on, and I wondered if Bane’s back legs weren’t ready or something. But I’m glad Nuno’s staying. He’s the movement captain, and every time he was onstage I felt a confidence in the cast. I think all the originals are doing a great job of encouraging and inspiring their new cast mates.

Scene Six

This was really beautiful. I wondered if it might be, because this is the first time the two boys have really been to Hogwarts. They have to say these lines, and they’re finally there, onstage, living the magic. It must have been a powerful moment, and I could see the pure wonder on Samuel’s face, and Theo’s too.

There was so much joy in how Samuel delivered this speech. He was completely wonderful.

I’m not sure how convincing it was though, Scorpius saying he was scared, when he was so clearly just confident and excitable. But at the same time, the internalisation of feelings seems to be one of the hallmarks of Samuel’s Scorpius, so I feel like we probably don’t see half of what he’s really feeling inside.

I was mildly terrified the boys weren’t going to get to their marks. They hung around in the middle of the stage for so much longer than Anthony or Sam ever did. But they made it, and the Time-Turner effect worked perfectly, much to my relief.

One cute little thing, I noticed that Samuel kept puffing his cheeks out, and it looked like he was blowing on the Time-Turner to make it spin. I’m not really sure what he doing. I never saw Anthony or James doing that. Maybe it was just Scorpius doing terrified deep breathing or something.

Scene Seven

The wilder members of the original cast are now positioned together, side by side, right in the middle of the crowd for the first task scene. Rosemary and Mackley. A potent combination. And boy did they whip the new cast up into a frenzy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a wild first task scene. It was carnage.

Josh came shoving through the crowd to give Mackley a massive hug before going to stand with the Slytherins, Mackley kept telling Rosemary off for being too over-excited, and Mackley shouted at Fleur to say he wanted to give her a Hufflepuff hug. He’s really embracing his new role, bless him.

The boys came up with their own new chant, to replace the ‘go go Krazy Krum’. The chant now goes: “I love Krum, you love Krum, Krum is the one for everyone!’ Which was awkward, nerdy, embarrassing, and delightful all in equal measure. I’m so glad they’re getting into this thing properly and making it their own.

It really is difficult to give you any notes on Theo and Samuel when the rest of the crowd were being so raucous. I’m sorry I don’t have more observations about this scene.

The cutest moment of the night, our first glimpse into what is sure to be an absolutely delightful Malfoy relationship, was when Scorpius hung back as everyone was rushing to get Albus to the hospital wing, simply so he could walk side by side with his dad. It was just the tiniest detail, but so sweet. I’m anticipating the Malfoy hug tonight getting the biggest round of applause ever.

Scene Eight

I mentioned earlier how Jamie stands up a lot to talk to people, and this was one of those scenes. Both when he was addressing Albus and when he was chatting to Dumbledore. He stands straight backed and authoritative and looks at people when he’s talking to them, or wants to intimidate them I suppose.

When Albus was just waking up, and he mumbled ‘dad…’, Harry immediately went to his side and started comforting him. Jamie P used to do this sort of ‘hold on a second’ gesture in Albus’s direction, but none of that with new Jamie. He started stroking Albus’s hair, and rubbing his arm, and touching his forehead to check he was okay. As a result, when Theo sat up, his hair was an absolute fluffy mess. It was such a classic Albus hair moment.

This was absolutely Theo’s best scene. I don’t know if it was having Jamie reassure him at the start that did it? But he loosened up considerably, and there were some really nice lines where Albus shone through. For example, ‘We decided we didn’t want to come to school. We thought we could start again – in the Muggle world – we discovered we were wrong’.

A truly adorable thing, Harry broke off a piece of chocolate for himself, then handed Albus the entirety of the rest of the bar, instead of breaking Albus a bit and putting the rest back in his pocket. Harry really couldn’t care less about Ginny’s sugar ban in that moment.

Theo’s other great line was ‘you can’t make me go into Gryffindor! I’m Slytherin!’ I think it was @bounding-heart who’s been talking about how Theo is really good at the dramatic moments, which is true! You can see at those points how he’s really giving everything.

Scene Nine

Thomas in this timeline looks really cool, with the slicked back hair and restrained clothing. I really enjoyed him.

One of my observations was that all of this cast seemed really good at the second timeline. I wonder if they’ve just done this section more than any of the rest? I felt they achieved a new level of confidence. For example, Jamie’s Harry fired up and started to get more angry, Emma had some great moments, I loved Rakie (although opinions about her in this bit seem to differ wildly), and Samuel and Theo were great.

On the stairs, somehow Theo and Jamie stayed right at the bottom of the right hand set of stairs, so Samuel had to get all the way to the top of the left hand staircase before they were in view.

Samuel played this bit on the stairs with as much panache as Anthony or James. He stood and held Harry’s gaze for the longest time, and then he went and curled up in a miserable little heap to listen to the McGonagall scene.

Scene Ten

This was the scene where we started to see bits of angry Harry from Jamie. He was slowly firing up, and really exerting his authority over McGonagall.

I also really loved Emma in this scene. She was great in sort of scolding Harry for what he said to McGonagall. She seems to be very good at telling him off, cause there was another great moment of that later on.

Scene Eleven

I’m not entirely sure why some other people I’ve talked to didn’t really get Rakie in this scene. I thought she was really good! She doesn’t have the level of bitter brokenness that either Noma or Nicola brought, but she was still sort of twisted and unhappy, and she had less of her shining authority. You could still tell that she wasn’t who she should be, and that she was a fragment of her former self.

Theo kept kicking his stool miles across the stage when he fell off it, and then had to walk to go and get it. The first time it went so far it hit the stage wall (down where Sam used to hide from Bathilda Bagshot).

I adored how shaky and unstable Hermione was in the final moments of this scene. There were so many pauses, and deep steadying breaths, and you could tell she was in so much pain talking about it. It was awful in the best way.

The Staircase Ballet

Someone told me they thought something was amiss in this scene, but I personally didn’t notice anything! Maybe I was too absorbed in Samuel.

The boys were definitely copying some Sam and Anthony things in this scene, for example Theo did the wiping of Albus’s eyes that Sam always used to do.

The part where the boys meet at the top of the stairs was awful. Scorpius looked like he was desperate to say something , anything, and Albus looked the same. They were just staring at each other with this desperation, not knowing what to do, until Albus walked away because he had to.

And when the boys were facing each other at the end of the scene, Scorpius started walking down the stairs right away, like he simply couldn’t face having to look at Albus any longer. He was completely heartbroken.

Scene Thirteen

My absolute favourite Emma line of the night – ‘Saved by the door’. Poppy always said this like she was referring to Ginny, like Ginny was being saved by the conversation. With Emma it was absolutely a threat to Harry. She glared at him and said it in the most ‘we will talk about this later’ voice. It was amazing. Really brilliant.

James was incredible in this scene. When Harry asked if he was sure Scorpius was his he really slowly and menacingly drew his wand, and he told Harry to take it back in a voice of menacing calm, with seething anger bubbling away underneath. It was so much more serious and threatening than the way Alex was playing it by the end.

The duel was pretty great. James’s timing on the Rictumsempra chair block was absolutely spot on, better than I ever saw Alex do it.

There was only one thing amiss in this scene, and that was Jamie’s Flipendo. I imagine he hasn’t been cleared to do it out of rehearsals yet, because there was no attempt to flip him, and it didn’t feel like there were any mistakes or confusions there. I think they just decided not to do it. I’ve seen Jamie P take some pretty hard landings on that one, and I imagine they had no desire to break Jamie’s ankles on his first show out. Definitely a sensible decision to leave it out, but I hope it’s back in soon!

Emma’s re-entry to the room was really great. She absolutely nailed her bits in this scene.

Scene Fourteen

Delphi was running away up the staircases when Scorpius found her. I’m not sure why she was sneaking around, and she didn’t seem unhappy to be found, but it also seemed like she hadn’t been looking that hard for Scorpius.

This was a really great scene between Delphi and Scorpius. Some really cute, funny moments. For example when Polly walked past, Delphi dived headfirst for cover, and Scorpius sat down next to her and sort of crossed his legs, almost resting them on top of her back so he was using her as a footrest in an attempt to hide her. It was so awkward and ridiculous and perfect.

The ‘sounds like he’s found a shoulder to cry on’ was really really bitter. There was so much emotion in that.

I wondered if Samuel might rename Scorpius’s invisible friend, but nope, he’s still Hector.

At the end of the scene Delphi smiled at Scorpius, then ran off up the stairs, and looked back once again to smile at him. There wasn’t the sinister twist that Esther used to give that moment. She was just being nice.

Scorpius didn’t run off at the end of this scene, he just sat in a little huddle on the stairs, presumably trying to mull things over and decide what he wanted to do.

Scene Fifteen

James kept Alex’s delighted little smile at the news that Harry does most of the cooking!

There was just the one mistake in this scene that I noticed – James skipped ‘Maybe the black cloud Bane saw was Albus’s loneliness. His pain. His hatred,’ and went straight for ‘Don’t lose the boy,’ otherwise he was really great and I enjoyed the scene immensely.

The Library Scene

Why is it that every scene with Samuel in, I want my first bullet point to be ‘holy shit Samuel Blenkin’? Because that’s basically my reaction to him. Not a very constructive reaction though, so I’ll try to do better!

Scorpius and Albus were sitting quite far apart in this scene, like Scorpius didn’t dare get too close to Albus in case he frightened him off or something.

Poor Scorpius was really really heartbroken by the loss of Rose in this timeline. I always thought it was sad when Anthony did it, but Samuel makes so much of the crush, that it was just devastating.

One of the times the boys were shushed, Theo threw a book at Samuel, and they both started pretending to study really hard. It was hilarious, cause Samuel was fumbling to get the book open, and Theo was rustling with his papers, and you could see how fast Samuel’s eyes were going, like Scorpius thought that the faster he pretended to read, the more believable the charade would be.

The wrestling was pretty great. I thought it might be, but yeah. They fought over that Time-Turner for ages. None of the whole, giving it a gentle tug one way then the other and then letting Albus have it. This was a proper fight. No floor pinning though.

The problem with Albus being so nerdy and awkward is that the line ‘I wasn’t a loser before I met you!’ just really didn’t work. Poor kid.

God I want to do it again! Okay I’m going to give in to temptation. Samuel. Fucking. Blenkin. Oh my god. That speech.

I was sitting in Row C in the stalls, so close enough to see the detail, and you could see the tears welling up in his eyes. He almost made me cry. It was incredible. When he was talking about his mum he was just slowly breaking apart. All the confidence and all the walls were shattering and you saw through to the inner Scorpius who was struggling and in so much pain. Completely heartbreaking.

It’s fascinating how different this speech felt from Anthony’s or James’s. You felt in their speeches that they were dealing with Astoria’s death, that they had sort of come to terms in a way, and that they were bringing her up to make a point. But with Samuel it just wasn’t like that. It was like all this raw, unprocessed emotion was coming through for the first time in a wave, like he’d never said any of this to anyone before, and it was awful. It made me realise just how little time Scorpius actually gets in the rest of the script to speak about his mum and deal with her loss. Draco talks about Astoria a lot, but Scorpius doesn’t, and I just want him to have chance to talk about her. I can’t help but think there’s going to be a painful lack of resolution to the way Samuel plays Scorpius.

Theo was great in this scene. When Albus was talking about how the cloak made avoiding bullies easier in particular. That was a beautiful little moment and there were a couple of others too.

Samuel sat sideways on the chair when they were chatting through the apology, so he ended up facing Albus most of the time.

The bit about Scorpius being the son of Voldemort was the bit that nearly shattered my heart. The two boys had such awful reactions around that line. Scorpius had pain and shock and resentment, like he hadn’t realised they thought that, and Albus seemed to want to try and reassure him. I think that was the bit where Scorpius had to start wiping away his tears.

Scorpius’s ‘as apologies go’ was hilarious. He was trying to stop Albus all the way through Albus’s little preamble, sort of waving his hand in a ‘hello, you can stop now’ motion, and eventually he just got sick of it and interrupted with so much exasperation, but fond exasperation.

The hug was cute. Samuel still didn’t hug back. Like I say, the Scorpius initiated hugs are going to be great. I don’t think Albus will be able to resist returning the hug.

Scorpius sounded amazed at how brilliant Albus’s strategy was. He was genuinely impressed and delighted by it.

Scene Seventeen

This was where the four days of tech rehearsals showed. They wheeled the staircases on in perfect symmetry. Unfortunately, they were symmetrically aligned far too close to the little decal bits on the columns at the edge of the wings. As the staircases came out, there was a big bang, and on one side the decal came right off, on the other it ended up hanging off the wall. Super awkward.

But this scene itself was pretty amazing. One of my favourite Romione moments ever (I’m aware this is controversial and that other people hated this scene).

It was flirty and awkward, and their reactions to touching hands were to die for. It wasn’t stiff like Noma and Paul’s version. It was almost a little giggly, and there was a moment where Rakie looked like she was about to melt. I really loved it.

Scene Eighteen

Just the one note here really. James’s ‘what on earth would they be doing there?’ got as big a laugh as Alex’s ever did. Nice work.

Scene Nineteen

Samuel totally nailed the ‘Engorgimpressed line’. He didn’t look ashamed by it either, but Albus looked like he wanted to sink into the floor with embarrassment on his behalf. He shook his head and turned away, and only then did Scorpius seem to consider that that was the worst joke ever.

There was something about the way Scorpius said ‘people they loved’ and pointed right at Albus. Lovely little Scorbus moment.

April Hughes as Moaning Myrtle was simply incredible. On Sunday I said that no one could ever beat Annabel’s performance, but boy is April having a go. She was flirty and a little bit gross, and just wonderful. She growled at Scorpius and pretended to bit him at one point, and she was so desperate for Harry. Just amazing. If that’s her baseline performance, she’s going to be a show stealer every single night pretty soon.

She looked at both boys when she was talking about the love incantations in the bathroom. Some of her bits of crying were just mocking rather than real tears. She just seemed really delighted to have drama back in her bathroom again. Also, her voice was completely spot on. It was a little more nasal than Annabel’s, thinner and sort of reedy, a little closer to how Myrtle’s voice is in the films (although Annabel was already doing an amazing job with that), and just all the flirtation was ramped up so much. The ‘or the equivalent for ghosts’ line got a massive laugh, cause she left a long gap after ‘cross my heart and hope to die’ in which she seemed to consider the plausibility of this. She was really just great. I could watch her do that scene over and over again.

Samuel’s ‘then I’m entirely ready’ was about as ridiculous as you might expect.

One of the best Myrtle moments was when Harry asked her what trinket the boys were using, and she beckoned him in really close and breathed ‘I think it was a secret’, and he just looked so disgusted with her. Completely beautiful.

Scene Twenty

Mackley is still on the wires as double Scorpius (I presume they haven’t trained Henry properly yet), and he did his waving at Cedric just the way he did on Sunday.

A warning to anyone who wins Friday Forty, Samuel is not even a little bit restrained in the lake. If you are anywhere near the middle of Row AA you will get wet. Bring brollies.

Scorpius’s shock at Harry Potter’s death was wonderful. He was completely horrified.

When Scorpius was encountering the Dementors he was doing his muttering again. It looked like he was going ‘no no no no no, stop’ over and over again as they came up to him, but he just had no idea what to do to get away, until eventually he did manage to get past them.

Final general observations

The play feels sort of bare at the moment, and lacking in rich, vivid detail. But of course that’s just because the cast is so new. The old cast had been doing it for over a year when we last saw them. It will fill out and improve.

The new cast do the show really slowly. They added ten minutes to Part One so I missed my train (plan accordingly). We heard Jack and Sonia chatting about it at the back of the theatre on the way out, how they started out very slow then sped up towards the end. Their pacing (which I actually really enjoyed, I savoured everything more at the slower speed), was inconsistent, and I’m sure it will improve. It sounded like there were going to be lots of notes. I think Sunday will probably a rehearsal day. I imagine the experience of the audiences next week will be vastly different to those of us going this week. It’ll be fascinating to see.

Personally after tonight I’m going to wait until June to see the play again. A whole month for the cast to get into it, relax, and feel comfortable. But really my overall impression was hugely positive. I love the new feel, and all the new little touches. I’m so so excited for Part Two (especially how amazing Samuel’s Voldy timeline will be). It really isn’t the same show (I actually forgot there were badges to pick up on the way out; it was a surprise to me), but we’ll get used to it, and it’s certainly different and refreshing. I, for one, am excited. I can’t wait to hear what others thing when they go in the coming days and weeks! I hope you enjoy yourselves as much as I did.

[garden-ghoul]

two blogs part 4

“for best effect listen to the themes of the rohirrim while reading this. the rockin violin solos are all too short, eheu. I wonder what instruments the Rohirrim actually play, how amazing would it be if the soundtrack were entirely made of instruments specific to the people of whatever location they’re in?”

let’s take a soothing sleepy trip to scenic

HELM’S DEEP

... since I only ever listened to audiobooks of this I didn’t realize that it was the deep of Helm. Who’s Helm? I hope that Tolkien in his pseudo-Hugo-esque fashion will have some characters discuss the history and naming of Helm’s Deep. As our heroes ride northwest along the foot of the White Mountains, Gandalf asks Legolas what he can see at Isengard. The answer: something is veiling his sight with shadow. Also I’m kind of sad that we don’t get any elves with glasses because perfect sight is a racial trait... no wait what if a lot of elves need reading glasses because they’re farsighted. LEGOLAS WITH READING GLASSES. Galadriel needs them too but she doesn’t notice because she’s never tried to read anything since she’s a jock.

As the second day of their riding drew on, the heaviness in the air increased. In the afternoon the dark clouds began to overtake them: a sombre canopy with great billowing edges flecked with dazzling light. The sun went down, blood-red in a smoking haze.

I’m kind of weirdly gratified that Tolkien recognizes the atmospheric conditions that result in a red sunset. You can’t just go around declaring bloody sunsets willy-nilly! The sun looks red when scattered through particulates! I’m trying to remember right now which sizes of particulates, which I should know bc I had a job in quantum materials last summer, but I’m really in more of a mythic mindset at the moment. Oh well. The king’s party meets the party defending Rohan from the soldiers and hill-men of Isengard. They’re going to withdraw to Helm’s Deep... I don’t know exactly what Saruman wants? Is he just trying to wipe the Rohirrim out, or is he looking for some kind of resource they have?

Aha! It turns out Tolkien is going to go full Hugo and not even bother putting his exposition in dialogue form. Helm’s Deep is behind a coomb (a coomb!!) that lets into a gorge in the “crow-haunted cliffs” (yess). Gorge implies a river, right? And there’s also a fort there. I feel like a crow-haunted gorge is the perfect place for a fort. It’s named after HELM THE HAMMERHAND (YES!) and it’s also known as the Hornburg because canyon acoustic make warhorns echo imposingly (hell yes). And now as the king’s party (minus Gandalf, who has some kind of errand to run--maybe he’s going to bring Lorien elves to help out?) rides toward the Deep, they hear “the rumor of war behind them.” This is good dictionnnn I love “the rumor of war.” I love the concept of “rumor” as an indistinct sound that conveys imprecisely that war is coming, in the same way that a game of telephone conveys imprecisely the phrase “at dawn on the third day, look to the east.” I’m being weird. whatever. So much time has been spent in this chapter before they even get to Helm’s Deep (or maybe I’m blogging too much) BUT here we have another thing, which is that the rumor of war is mostly... singing. They know the orcs by their singing (hi Orcsong!) “They saw torches countless points of fiery light upon the black fields behind, scattered like red flowers.” What a pretty image. Just so y’all know, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna write orc fanfictions.

Gimli at least is pleased to come to Helm’s Dike.

'This is more to my liking,' said the dwarf, stamping on the stones. 'Ever my heart rises as we draw near the mountains. There is good rock here. This country has tough bones. I felt them in my feet as we came up from the dike. Give me a year and a hundred of my kin and I would make this a place that armies would break upon like water.'

'I do not doubt it,' said Legolas. 'But you are a dwarf, and dwarves are strange folk. I do not like this place, and I shall like it no more by the light of day. But you comfort me, Gimli, and I am glad to have you standing nigh with your stout legs and your hard axe. I wish there were more of your kin among us.’

That’s gay. ::) Also Gimli feeling out the material properties of the stone by stomping on it. He is also both sleepy and restless, a feeling I can relate to constantly. Then the orcs show up; there’s a neat bit of cinematography with a flash of lightning and the word “boiling.” You’ll have to imagine it. Aragorn and Eomer are standing next to each other yelling about their swords. I like this bit:

A shout went up from wall and tower: 'Andúril! Andúril goes to war. The Blade that was Broken shines again!'

because it’s really ambiguous whether it’s like, just Aragorn shouting this. Or he went around talking up his sword and now everyone’s really excited about it? Aragorn shut up about your sword for five minutes. Your worth is not determined by the pedigree of your blade. Anyway there’s a lot of fighting. Everyone is exhausted. Gimli is missing. Legolas is pretending he’s not worried; no, he just really wants to tell Gimli that he has now killed thirty-nine people. They’re having a creepy contest. Aren’t both their peoples supposed to be generally peaceable?? What is wrong with them? Theoden frets, feeling imprisoned and unhopeful about his men’s chances. No, he will ride out. And Aragorn son of Arathorn will ride with him!

At dawn Aragorn stands on the wall, while the Uruk-hai politely inform him, several times, that they are the fighting Uruk-hai and they have a lot of guys to kill him with. Hey, did you know they are the fighting Uruk-hai? Also all their dialogue seems to be attributed to multiple people at once, so one can only imagine them chorusing “We are the fighting Uruk-hai!” like schoolchildren.

Aragorn jumps down just as they blow up the part of the wall he was standing on, and goes to find Theoden so they can Ride Forth. As they do they realize a forest has appeared in the coomb. The enemy forces outside are so not prepared to face cavalry, they are so scared. AND Gandalf is back! AND! He brought Erkenbrand, a Rohir who they were making a really big deal of earlier but I didn’t bother to blog about it because he didn’t seem important.

All right that was way too much blogging for a chapter with so little content. Let’s get on our way on

THE ROAD TO ISENGARD

It turns out that “at dawn on the third day, look to the east” WAS the result of a hilarious game of telephone:

'Unlooked-for?' said Gandalf. 'I said that I would return and meet you here.'

'But you did not name the hour, nor foretell the manner of your coming.’

Lmao.

Oh, I also missed the fact that during the chapter break (while my brain was in the bathroom at the movie theater of life) the Rohirrim won the battle. Gandalf wants to take everyone to Isengard to beat up Saruman and call him mean names, which I wholly support. I also like that he devotes a good amount of text to the cleanup and burial after the battle. Legolas and Gimli banter some more about how much [trees/caves] make them uncomfortable and how they would love to live forever in [caves/trees]. Did Tolkien actually just have them become friends to be a Comic Cultural Understanding Duo. Gimli goes on for a good while about how beautiful the cave system of Helm’s Deep is. He is sooooo into these caves, it’s really endearing. The caves are full of gorgeous natural rock formations (sorry this is a big pull quote coming up, but it’s good and beautiful and gay so pls read it)--

'No, you do not understand,' said Gimli. 'No dwarf could be unmoved by such loveliness. None of Durin's race would mine those caves for stones or ore, not if diamonds and gold could be got there. Do you cut down groves of blossoming trees in the spring-time for firewood? We would tend these glades of flowering stone, not quarry them. With cautious skill, tap by tap - a small chip of rock and no more, perhaps, in a whole anxious day - so we could work, and as the years went by, we should open up new ways, and display far chambers that are still dark, glimpsed only as a void beyond fissures in the rock. And lights, Legolas! We should make lights, such lamps as once shone in Khazad-dûm; and when we wished we would drive away the night that has lain there since the hills were made; and when we desired rest, we would let the night return.'

'You move me, Gimli,' said Legolas. 'I have never heard you speak like this before. Almost you make me regret that I have not seen these caves. Come! Let us make this bargain-if we both return safe out of the perils that await us, we will journey for a while together. You shall visit Fangorn with me, and then I will come with you to see Helm's Deep.'

There’s some more stuff I count of little consequence, some ents, some bodies, a river that isn’t. They camp out for the night and a great blackness passes by them. This was actually a bunch of ents, I’m not sure how they failed to notice. Even on the blackest night, wouldn’t you be able to tell if trees were walking past you? Also the river suddenly comes back. Strange times, strange times. They get up and keep riding.

Suddenly a tall pillar loomed up before them. It was black; and set upon it was a great stone, carved and painted in the likeness of a long White Hand. Its finger pointed north. Not far now they knew that the gates of Isengard must stand.

This is such a good image.

The plain, too, was bored and delved. Shafts were driven deep into the ground; their upper ends were covered by low mounds and domes of stone, so that in the moonlight the Ring of Isengard looked like a graveyard of unquiet dead--for the ground trembled.

THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IMAGE. Also you can tell Saruman is evil because he outlawed plants. Look, even evil people still need green stuff to live. I was thinking earlier today about the trauma of being forced to live in cities where (in addition to all the other reasons it is bad) there are not many green things. Tolkien uses “hating plants” as a signifier of evil and inhumanity, and like, I guess. But if you’re going to posit all these thinking peoples... actually you know humans have a need for green stuffs because of where they were made. Maybe orcs really do not like green stuffs, and it makes them uneasy, because they were made specifically for the purpose of destroying nice things. So their psyches were made to match. IDK what Saruman’s problem is. Tell me about maia psychology, Johnald.

...and within the circle of Isengard’s walls, a sea of boiling water, filled with flotsam and jetsam. Oh shoot that would have been a great transition, I think that’s the title of the next chapter. No matter, the point is it’s very confusing to Theoden and his men to look on the stronghold of Saruman utterly shattered, and see no-one who could have done it... except two very small people sitting on a ruined wall, picnicking and smoking.

'Welcome, my lords, to Isengard!' he said. 'We are the doorwardens. Meriadoc, son of Saradoc is my name; and my companion, who, alas! is overcome with weariness' - here he gave the other a dig with his foot - 'is Peregrin, son of Paladin, of the house of Took. Far in the North is our home.’

This cheeky lad. Bless you Meriadoc. Theoden introduces himself, and Merry for some reason starts infodumping about the history of pipeweed in the Shire. But now is not the time, says Gandalf!! We need to go see Treebeard >::(

'Farewell, my hobbits!’ said Théoden. ‘May we meet again in my house! There you shall sit beside me and tell me all that your hearts desire: the deeds of your grandsires, as far as you can reckon them; and we will speak also of Tobold the Old and his herb-lore. Farewell!'

The hobbits bowed low. 'So that is the King of Rohan!' said Pippin in an undertone. 'A fine old fellow. Very polite.'

[thefoolsloop]

Wife, children, servants, all that could be found: SNM Shanghai, show no. 4

**(Spoilers for Sexy Witch loop - not for 1:1s, but for new content. This is good stuff, so don’t read until you’ve followed Sexy. I’m mentioning it now because it’s so intense and also because I’d be interested in other people’s reactions to the new material.

Spoilers also for Duncan loop, but not any 1:1s - which I didn’t get. I don’t even know if he does one. There’s one thing in the loop which is so special I won’t even hint what it is.)**

The pain has cleared by my second show of the day and, fortified by a tube of Pringles, I enter the McKinnon a second time.

My initial intention is to have another easy-going show but, on the way in, I immediately realise that because of the cast rotation this will be my last chance - perhaps ever in my life - to see Miranda’s Sexy Witch. Although I'm conscious that I’ve hogged her for much of my time in the show so far, I'm also conscious that I haven’t yet danced with her nor had the walkout. So, casting aside my reservations, I enable Selfish Mode and go straight for the ballroom on arrival.

She's not there. Bald (Fania) and Boy (Olly - by many people’s reckoning the best witch trio this show has ever seen) are there, going through their pre-party motions, but Sexy’s missing. I look around; surely she should be here? I mean, she does start top of the show here, right? I’ve seen this enough times by now to know the three witches are together, briefly teasing each other, then creating a circle and enchanting the ballroom floor before the guests arrive.

I keep looking round anxiously. I’m eager not to miss Miranda’s last Sexy, but I’m also concerned for her wellbeing - is she OK? Ages seem to pass (it was probably only a minute or so), then there’s a flash of green in the corner of my eye. Thank God, here she is, apparently unharmed. (I never do find out what the problem was, but luckily it doesn’t matter.)

The party begins, the guests streaming in from all corners - hooray, here’s Sam at last! - and as the music starts I’m reminded of just how much I adore this scene. In the McKittrick it’s almost the only moment of pure joy, where music, dance and atmosphere are upbeat and heart-lifting (and, yes, I’m aware of the undercurrents running through everything, but at least they’re not laid over with a brush); here in the McKinnon things are more balanced, but the good associations I have with it have been carried over from New York. Everyone is smiling, the dancing is ‘proper’ dancing, not the seriously impressive gymnastics or interpretative movement we see elsewhere. It’s such an uplifting sequence and you get to see it three times a show. I never quite got into the Hoedown in TDM, but I begin to understand why people fell in love with it. I feel the same about the ballroom party in SNM. It’s so wonderful I actually feel quite moved.

The party ends and the guests peel off with their followers. I attach myself to Miranda, but so does a Chinese woman in a white cardigan. She seems to know the loop as well as I do, and we’re unwilling companions throughout. At 1:1 time I hang back, since I’ve had the experience (I don’t see if cardigan woman gets it) and I keep my distance until the rave (except for the medicine shop dance, where there’s so much space for everyone to have a good view). While the lights are flashing I hang around in the corridor, then hurry in as soon as it stops and position myself deliberately for what’s to come (see below).

I’ve waxed lyrical about Miranda’s bar dance before and seeing it for a second time I’m reminded just what’s so incredible about it. Not only is her dancing extreme and breath-taking, but in those moments she seems the very incarnation of something other-worldly, something from the spirit world. While the little touches she’s added to it no longer have the element of surprise, this leaves me free to absorb the magnificence of the whole piece. Both powerful and vulnerable, Sexy in those moments becomes tortured and crazed, caught up in her own private bacchanal. And for whose benefit? We do not know.

Miranda lands in a crumpled heap, then scoots along the floor until she’s right at my feet. Dazed, she stretches out her hand to me and I help her up. Our eye contact lasts only a moment, but that’s long enough for an understanding to be shared. I knew you’d land there, my eyes say. Thank you, hers say, fleetingly. But Sexy is in no condition for niceties just now. Hecate approaches, caresses her. Is it a blessing or a curse? Is she congratulating her on a good job done with Macbeth, or is she reminding Sexy that she owns her? Or both? Or something else?

We’re in the high street now, where I get the same interaction I had at my first show. Again, I’ve hung back a little, but Miranda seems determined to treat me. Oh, well, far be it from me to be rude. I get a kiss for my trouble.

Almost all this time, the white cardigan has been at my side, clinging to Miranda like a leech. It’s hard to say whether she is just keen on the loop or whether she’s gunning for an interaction (if this were New York or London, I’d have no hesitation in guessing the latter, but as I said before they do things differently here).

(’Macduff’s Wife and Children Slain’ from Charles and Mary Lamb’s Tales from Shakespeare, 1901)

**BIG SPOILER FOR THE LOOP APPROACHING - NOT AN INTERACTION OF ANY KIND, BUT SERIOUSLY I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON HERE**

Things progress to a scene I missed first time round (I think I was following the Bride). We follow her to the Macduffs’ rooms. Now we’re in the children’s bedroom. There is blood all over the bed. Sexy seems confused, anguished. She pokes at the bedclothes as if unable to work out what’s happened. She picks up a teddy bear and holds it out to us, but doesn’t say a word. Something has struck her on a deep emotional level. The death of children, yes - but why? Why her? What’s been done to Sexy’s storyline to connect it so strongly to Lady Macduff? She’s not celebrating here, as I would have expected, with Hecate’s destruction widening its net. And all this time, she’s being watched (as I discovered at my first show).

I’m genuinely at a loss to explain this scene, and would love to hear theories.

Sexy runs to Duncan’s suite, starts cleaning off the blood from the rave. She seems troubled now, something nagging at her thoughts. She grabs a damp cloth, hands it to me. “Get it off! Get it off!” she hisses, desperately. I dab uselessly at her forehead, her shoulders. She snatches it from me, gives me a massive kiss on the mask as a reward. Then she turns to the mirror and tidies herself up, so she’s presentable for Macbeth at the top of the loop.

**SPOILER ENDS**

Top of the loop, ‘Witches 1′, where the trio meet Macbeth for the first (second) time. At this point, the woman in the white cardigan turns, leans over to me, and says something in Chinese. What could it be? I shake my head, trying to indicate that I don’t understand. Is she asking how come I get all the interactions? Is she pointing out that I’ve trodden on her a few times and not apologised? Is she asking the time? I can’t do anything more to help her, so I turn away. She shouldn’t be talking anyway, I tell myself.

The loop continues round to just before the party. I briefly forget where to stand, and have to run around to where the curtain is, but Miranda takes me in her arms as if there were no one else in the room. We dance, and I recall my dance with Leslie, bird-light in my grasp, so wispy I feared to crush her. Miranda is different - solid, strong, indestructible. No one without substance could do the bar dance like that. I feel on much more equal terms with her; yet it still feels odd being in the man’s position but unable to lead. She gives me another kiss for my pains. I wouldn’t exactly call this painful.

The party commences again, and once again I feel a much bigger emotional response than ever before. So much joy, the music so wonderful, everyone smiling, the dancing perfect, the interaction between the characters fascinating. In fact, I don’t remember an ensemble scene in TDM which had so many layers, no, not even the Hoedown. It’s such a pleasure to watch, I feel a pricking sensation in my eyes. Can this really be described as a moving scene?

(Sam’s good-natured and sympathetic Duncan; photo from sleepnomore.cn)

Anyway, my attention is soon fixed on Sam, one of the reasons I flew all this way. I’ve seen him in only one production since TDM, and then all too briefly. Here he is, again rewarded with a principal role, as Duncan. But where I had expected a Duncan who radiates the commanding presence of Leland Stanford, Sam (like Fania) confounds preconceptions. While his Duncan is indeed a significant presence in the scene, Sam plays him as a pleasant, almost avuncular figure, not a patriarch. This is a Duncan looking forward to retirement - not because he is too old to manage the job, but because he has achieved everything he wants to. Perhaps he wants to enjoy spending time with the ladies, as his attention on Lady Macbeth suggests.

**(SMALL SPOILERS FOR DUNCAN LOOP, BUT NOT THE BEST BIT)**

As the party ends, Sam climbs the stairs, singing to himself. Is he drunk, or is something else going on? In his chamber, he feels unwell, stumbles. As he collapses on the bed, he goes into a Stanford-style seizure, of the sort Sam has practised frequently. But this time there’s no desperate grabbing of white masks, no: “Record! Be the camera!” Instead, we watch powerless as Macbeth comes and finishes him off. When Banquo, Malcolm and Macduff appear the tone changes from sinister to humane, compassionate and tender - particularly with the splendidly sincere combination of Omar and Ben in two of the parts.

Duncan is carried to the cemetery in a sombre procession, and left there. In New York he’d lie there for about ten minutes, while all but the most dogged (or tired) followers drift away. But not Sam. He does something so unexpected, so wonderful and so Sam that I simply can’t report it; it has to be experienced. (Fred’s Duncan does it too, but in a way that is less Sam. You’d know what I mean if you saw it.)

After this, I lose him for a little while, but manage to pick him up after the reset in time for the shaving scene. In the hands of Ben and Sam, this plays out with a strong emotional undercurrent, expressed only through gesture and expression. Malcolm, the dutiful (perhaps over-dutiful) son, wanting to please his father yet also unwittingly terrifying him; Duncan, the cautious father, increasingly unnerved by the razor until he can stand it no longer. Seeing Sam play vulnerable after his dominant Stanford is quite a novelty: yet he pulls it off with immense character and sympathy. One feels that this Duncan-Malcolm pairing have a real bond with each other.

**(SPOILERS END)**

Back to the ballroom - the last time I will see Miranda, Fania, Olly, Sam, Omar and Ben in these roles. Tears form in my eyes, not just because it’s the last time but because this scene is just so goddamn wonderful. What a privilege to watch these master performers do it; what a joy to be able to say I know them; what a pleasure just to get to watch this at all. And so perfectly done.

As in previous shows, I find myself drifting from loop to loop until eventually I find myself back in the rep bar. This time I’m near the door, so I’m seeing Miranda’s bar dance from the side, where it inevitably lacks the impact gained from seeing it front-on. No matter; her dedication and skill still shine through. I stick with her as best I can until the banquet. I’ve ticked almost all the boxes with her, but there’s still the walkout. I feel selfish for hogging all the interactions as if they were rightfully mine. But I also feel that my effort in flying the best part of 6,000 miles to see the show gives me a certain head start in claiming them.

As I enter the ballroom, a crowd has already gathered. This isn’t going to be easy. I stand opposite Miranda’s position while she mounts the stage. I’m probably three or four rows back at this point, too far for her reach. Then I remind myself that there’s less social prohibition in this country against slipping through to the front of a crowd. So, without shoving anyone, I glide my shoulders between people and end up just behind the front row.

The banquet unfolds its slow progress; I’ve seen it so many times I can pretty much detect the cues in the drone, anticipate the point at which the frozen tableau will start moving again. As Macbeth proceeds to climb onto the table, the other characters move away. Miranda comes round to the front of the platform. She will need a hand to get down. She reaches out in my direction, and between us we virtually slap away what seems like a dozen hands until she grasps mine. She positions herself in front of me and, arms outstretched, pushes everyone back until they’re at a distance where Macbeth’s feet won't decapitate them. Andrea is on the table now, his face a mass of blood, his face contorted in horror. BANG! A cry, both from Andrea and from the audience. The creaks echo round the chamber. “That certain night...”

Miranda’s hands have been gripping my shoulders. Now they release, and I turn towards her. She’s already slipped her hand into mine. We walk through the rooms, accomplices, partners, friends. Now and again we exchange a knowing look, she with an ambiguous smile on her face, me doing all the work with my eyes. Into the Manderley, where I receive yet another kiss. I’m never washing again.

After the show, I say hello to Sam in the bar. On seeing me, he glows with surprise and delight. You came all this way? But of course, Sam. Not long afterwards I find myself outside on the terrace of the cafe, where the cast have gathered to celebrate Garth Johnson’s birthday. I renew old acquaintances, make new ones. At last I get to talk to Miranda offstage, and it’s like the eighteen months since I last met her never happened. I meet so many new people, gather a mass of autographs in my TDM photo book (yes, I heaved it into my suitcase and took it all the way to China). There is no finer thing than creative people coming together to make something wonderful - except, perhaps, being accepted into the company of those people as if you were one of them. I’ll remember that evening for the rest of my life.