#i love not so passively suicidal people who anchor each other

[valtsv]

the thing about jontim for me is that it's such a "by all rights neither of us should even be alive when better people than us who deserved it more are gone, but if anything happened to you i would kill everyone in this room and then myself because you're all i have left" ship. survivor guilt codependency feedback loop.

[smkkbert]

Time for a story - The thought of dying

Oliver could feel the absence of Felicity with every cell of his body. After everything he had been through, he was almost unable to notice if it was cold around him, but he did notice the cold against his left side where Felicity was usually sitting. His hand was twitching from his need to lace his fingers through hers and just hold her hand, so he could anchor himself to her. Nervousness formed tight tension deep in the tissues of his muscles.

“You seem a little restless today.”

Dr. Rosario’s voice was gentle. There was no reproach in her words. She never reproached. She just said what she noticed to bring to the surface what was unspoken and maybe even subconscious for Oliver and Felicity.

“I don’t like these therapy sessions without Felicity.” Oliver sighed quietly. “It’s easier when she’s here.”

Oliver knew that Dr. Rosario knew about this. It was no secret that these one-on-one sessions between them were progressing slowly compared to the ones when Felicity and Oliver were here together. Talking about what had happened to him and how all of it had affected him and driven him to do things that he could barely talk about was just easier with Felicity at his side. She already knew everything about him and she still loved and respected him.

When he and Felicity had first gotten together, they had spent every night making love to each other. After that they had lain in bed naked. Oliver had covered Felicity’s body with his own, had rested his head on her heart like he still did now and had told her about all those terrible moments until there had been no secrets left between them.

Before Felicity, he had never told anyone about everything that had happened to him. Even after her, he had never told someone. He was more open about talking about it, but there wasn’t a single person that he trusted every detail with. Sometimes he told the kids about his time away, a childproof version of course. Maybe when they were older, Oliver could tell them more, but he wasn’t sure if he’d ever tell them as detailed as he had told Felicity.

Sometimes, it still felt irrational for Oliver that Felicity had not just fallen in love with him but still loved him even after knowing his darkest secrets. It didn’t surprise him anymore and he certainly didn’t fight it anymore. It still felt irrational though.

“If you don’t like these therapy sessions, why did you agree to them?”

Oliver knew it was a good question. He actually had asked himself the same question a couple of times before too. There had been a time that he had thought he would have just agreed to it because he loved Felicity so much. The truth was a lot deeper than that though.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Dr. Rosario smiled quietly. “Of course.”

Oliver moved to the edge of the couch. He leaned his chest forward and rested his elbows on his knees. He looked at the therapist, feeling the calmness in her eyes giving him the courage to say what he wanted and needed to say.

“I am not sure that this therapy is helping me so far,” he said and felt relief flooding his chest at saying the words he had pushed down deep inside of him for so long. “I am feeling better than I did after I returned from the island, but I think it’s just the same kind of feeling better as it was after all the other traumatic events. I learned to live with them, but I didn’t process them, not the way to offer real healing.”

The number of traumas Oliver had suffered through in his life was so high that it had been hard keeping count of. Oliver had pushed through everything life had thrown his way. He had used all of his anger and all of his pain and channeled it into doing something good, and for a long time it had kind of worked.

Only when Felicity had stepped into his life it had all become complicated. All the memories of light, happiness and love Felicity had offered had given him new things to channel. The darkness had mixed with the light, and everything he had built had changed, touched by the goodness she had brought back into this life. The angry Hood had turned into the Green Arrow, a symbol of hope. Oliver Queen had been an actual person again, not the human shell for the monster-like creature inside.

Oliver was more than just the avenging vigilante now. That guy could have lived covered in the scars of all the trauma he had been trough. All the broken pieces of his soul had just helped to make him all the more dangerous.

The man he was now was more than just that vigilante though. He was a mayor. He was a friend. He was a husband. He was a father. All of those people couldn’t live feeling like broken glass that would shatter apart if you just blew a breath against it. His family needed him whole and not poorly patched-up.

“Training Felicity scares me,” Oliver continued after a moment, “and I just can’t completely open up. I-“

Oliver sucked in a deep breath. He felt the words getting stuck in his throat. His entire body tried to fight against saying them out loud after all the years he had pushed them deeper and deeper inside of himself.

Dr. Rosario didn’t urge him to continue. She waited patiently until he was ready, just watching Oliver without saying a word.

Clenching and unclenching his fist, Oliver tried to gather his courage. In all the years, Oliver had never said the words out loud. He had felt them deep in his chest. He had known he was holding them in his heart, but he had never said them out loud, not even towards Felicity.

“I-“

Oliver squeezed his eyes shut and took in another deep breath. He knew this was his only chance. The past week, he had thought about telling Dr. Rosario those words again and again. He had lain awake all night, watching Felicity sleep and telling himself that it was necessary and right to tell Dr. Rosario about this. When he had agreed to go to therapy, he had known that this was his chance to really process everything that had happened to him. Once and for all.

For that, he needed to bring that last thought, that deepest of his darkness, to the surface though.

“I was always scared what all the things that happened to me made of me and what they could make me do to the people I love as well as myself.” Oliver opened his eyes, looking at Dr. Rosario. “I know that the violence I carried into the world as the Hood was a result of those five years in hell. I don’t know if killing so many people was right or wrong, but I know that my ways of today are better for my own wellbeing.”

When Oliver had returned from the island all those years ago, he had believed that killing was a means to the end. He had believed it was necessary and the only way to do what his father had asked of him. Every single kill had taken a little bit more of himself though. It had taken him further and further away from the person he had locked away inside of himself.

Today, as the Green Arrow, you could argue that he was still carrying violence into the world. The violence now was only the answer to other violence. He was using it to keep the bad guys in check and not to punish.

Felicity had showed him this other way, and it had brought him to the good life he was having now. It had brought him back into the light and allowed him to harness the light inside of him.

“I know that for a long time I have been caught in cycle of violence,” Oliver added with a low sigh. “I managed to escape, at least for the most part. The violence is not as much of a part of me as it used to be before. There was a time that I was scared where the violence would take me and who I could hurt.”

Oliver lowered his gaze to his hands, ashamed of himself. He knew that he had been traumatized. He hadn’t been a villain who had just had fun hurting people. His violence had been a result of the violence that had been done to him. It was just as little a reason to be ashamed as the fact that he had survived. There was no shame in surviving.

“Are you scared of hurting your family?”

“No,” Oliver answered immediately and without any hesitation. “No, I would never lay a hand on Felicity or the kids. Never.”

There were a lot of things Oliver didn’t know about. He did know that though. It was one of the few things in his life that he had no doubt about.

“There was a long time that I wouldn’t have minded if I had died,” Oliver said. “I was living in danger every day, and sometimes I just thought that if I just fought a little bit less hard, I’d die and it would be all over.”

Dr. Rosario nodded her head slowly, making Oliver release a breath. He didn’t know if he had thought that she’d be shocked or something. The fact that she was still looking at him the same way she had before had something reassuring to it.

“For a long time I believed that those thoughts weren’t that dark, but I know it’s not true. Not fighting back or even sacrificing myself are just two ways of suicide that I guess my life offers.”

“Those thoughts seem less dark because you see yourself as a passive part,” Dr. Rosario explained calmly, giving him a moment of rest. “You are not taking a knife and cutting your artery. You are not holding a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. You are just doing nothing which seems like something completely different.”

“But it’s not.”

“No, it’s not,” Dr. Rosario agreed. “It’s an idealization of suicide because you don’t see it as suicide in that moment. You see it as letting death get you.”

Oliver nodded his head slowly. He was sure that it hit the bull’s eye very pointedly. He had wanted to die, but he hadn’t wanted to do anything about it. At least not back then.

“Those thoughts weren’t the darkest I had had though,” Oliver admitted with low voice, “because there have been moments in my life that I did consider actually killing myself. It’s only been moments, and it’s been a long time ago, but I did think about it.”

It was a weird feeling to have the words finally out there. They weren’t just floating in the room unspoken like it had always been with him and Felicity. He had never said those words to her, but he didn’t doubt that she knew it was true.

“Do you still consider it sometimes?”

“No,” Oliver said, shaking his head. “The moment I knew about Emmy, I knew there was no way back. I knew I would always have to fight the best I could and find other ways. I don’t want my kids to grow up without one of their parents. My parents’ death was incredibly hard on me, and I have been an adult. I… don’t want to put my kids through the same.”

Oliver leaned back into the cushions of the couch with a long sigh. He rubbed his hands over his face and tousled his hair slightly. His hands were still shaking, but he did fell a lot less nervous than he had before.

“How do you feel now that you’ve said it out loud?”

“Weird,” Oliver admitted. “I am relieved and I feel like saying it out loud took a huge weight from me. At the same time, I think there is a lot more work to do now.”

“There is,” Dr. Rosario confirmed, “but you did the most important step. Understanding that you need help and saying out loud that you need help are the two most crucial parts of therapy. You did both. Now you just need to decide whether you want to work on it.”

Oliver nodded his head slowly, thinking about it. He knew how important it was not to say things like that lightly. The effort he would have to put into healing was huge. It would be difficult and it would take a long, long time. He had to be sure that he was really ready to do this.

It didn’t take long for Oliver to know that if he really wanted to heal and really wanted to go to the bottom of all of his trauma, they couldn’t leave this out. Those thoughts were a huge part of how his trauma had manifested inside of him. Along with the violence, his hypervigilance, his nervousness and his insecurity, those suicidal thoughts were the toughest result of his trauma. They might not be as present now as those other results, but they had haunted him a while ago. Only if he processed all five, he could actually move on.

Oliver nodded his head firmly now.

“I want to work on this,” he said. “More than anything.”

Dr. Rosario smiled encouragingly. “Then he will work it out.”

→ → → → →

“Mommy, can we let him run now?”

Felicity took a brief look around. As far as she could see, they were the only ones in the forest though. Surprisingly, nobody else seemed to have chosen to use the good weather today to take a walk here.

“Yeah, I think we can let him run,” Felicity agreed and unhooked the leash from Hawk’s collar. “Go, Buddy.”

Hawk didn’t have to be told twice. He wagged his tail and turned his ear forwards. With only a brief look around he seemed to take in his closer environment before he started to explore it. He chased a couple of feet forward before he took a sharp turn to the right and ran right into the scrub with his nose down on the ground.

Emmy gasped for breath. “Did he run away?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Felicity reached her hand into the pocket of her coat and took one of the treats out. “Hawk!”

There was only a short moment of silence before Hawk came running out of the woods and right back towards them. Like so often, he didn’t manage to stop soon enough. He just ran into Felicity, almost knocking her off her feet. She couldn’t care to be bothered by it though. Instead, she just chuckled and stroked her hands through his fur.

“Good boy,” she said, kissed his head and gave him the treat. “Very good boy.”

“Mommy, can we train with Hawk?” Emmy asked. “We call him back and forth between us during the walk.”

“That’s an excellent idea, Emmy.” Felicity smiled. “I’ll give you the treats and you take Hawk and train him a little. Daddy and I will stay back and watch you, so Addie can sleep.”

Reaching into the pocket of her coat for some more treats, Felicity took a look back over her shoulder. Addie was hanging on Oliver’s arms with her head resting on his shoulder and her hands tightened in his jacket. She was fast asleep.

When Oliver had gotten her baby buggy out of the trunk of their car before they had started their walk, the little girl had thrown a temper tantrum until Oliver had put the baby buggy back. She had insisted on not needing it anyway. Maybe she wouldn’t have, but the temper tantrum had taken so much energy from her that she had started whining after less than ten minutes until Oliver had carried her and she had been able to fall asleep in his arms.

Felicity handed Emmy, Tommy and Millie each a handful of the treats and watched them running ahead. Emmy ran the furthest ahead. Tommy stayed ten feet behind her Millie stayed close to Oliver and Felicity. Hawk followed the kids and ran back and forth between them as they called out his name.

Smiling, Felicity watched the scene. With the kids taking such good care of Hawk or Hawk taking such good care of them, it just warmed her head. Only William was missing to make it perfect, but teenagers didn’t like the thought of taking walks with the entire family too much. He was rather meeting Audrey.

With a content smile, Felicity leaned into Oliver’s side. She wrapped her arms around his middle and rested her head against his shoulder. She could feel Oliver smile against the crown of her head as he brushed a kiss into her hair.

For several minutes, they just walked in silence. In all the years they had been together and with all the business they were surrounded with, they had always appreciated the quiet moments between them. Sometimes, in moments like these, no word needed to be said and it was still perfect.

Eventually, Felicity rested her head back and looked at Oliver’s face. He was still focused on watching the kids. A small furrow between his eyebrows revealed how unsettled the situation made him. In the middle of a forest that could hold so many dangers, only two of his kids were close enough, so he could protect them immediately.

Felicity lifted a hand from his side and rested it over his hand on Addie’s back. Oliver turned his head immediately, his eyes finding hers. She could see the turmoil there, telling her what she had already known – therapy today had affected him even more than therapy usually affected him anyway.

“Taking this walk was a really good idea,” Felicity told him. “The clear air is helping to get a clear head.”

Oliver perked up his eyebrows. “Too much work lately?”

“Maybe.” Felicity shrugged her shoulders. “I guess everyone just needs time to clear their heads sometimes. We might even need it more than others. We have exhausting jobs. We have our city duty. We have a huge family. We go to therapy.”

Felicity puckered her lips. She had hoped that she could mention therapy casually, so Oliver wouldn’t notice that she was trying to furnish him a fit occasion to make him talk about what had happened during that one-on-one session earlier today. She knew he would talk to her about it once he was ready, but she was also sure that it was easier for him to talk if she offered the right moment to bring it up.

“Very casual, Felicity.”

“Do I get points for trying?”

Oliver shot her a brief side glance that was probably supposed to look teasingly. The corners of his mouth were twitching though. It gave away how amused he really was.

“Maybe one point and that is mainly because I love you so much.”

Felicity released a low chuckle. She leaned his head forward and kissed his shoulder. Her fingers laced through his on Addie’s back at the same time.

It took a moment before Oliver turned his gaze away from the kids and back to Felicity once more. He was nodding slightly like he was confirming to himself that now really was a good time to tell her.

“I think I managed to take an important step at therapy today.”

Felicity felt her smile widen and she squeezed Oliver’s hand reassuringly. She knew how hard therapy was for him. He had bottled up everything he was feeling for so long that letting it out now was anything but easy.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked gently.

Oliver took in a deep breath and turned his eyes away for just a split second. When he looked at her again, he nodded.

“I said something out loud that I have never said out loud before.”

Felicity frowned and narrowed her eyes at Oliver slightly. He usually wasn’t one to talk in riddles. Oliver either said nothing or he said out what he was thinking or feeling directly. Talking around whatever was going on made her suspicious though she couldn’t say what exactly she was suspicious of.

“It’s not something you don’t know about yet,” Oliver said quickly almost like he wanted to reassure her that there were no more secrets between them. “You have never heard me say it, but you know it. I know that you know it.”

Oliver didn’t need to say anything more. She was almost sure that she knew exactly what he meant. In all the years they had been together, there had been no secrets left between them. Oliver had told her everything that had happened to him in his five years away. He had told her even about the darkest moments.

Still, Felicity had known that there had been moments he had left out. She remembered one of the last stories from the island when Konstantin Kovar had made Oliver relive some of the worst memories of his life and had locked him into a cell with only a gun left. He had stumbled a little, struggled to find the right words to tell her what had happened when he had been left alone in that cell. Eventually, he had just told her about the breakout though.

She had never been sure whether he had left that moment out because he had suppressed what had really happened there or because it was so bad that he just couldn’t speak about it. Either way, she had known about it then and she had known about it and she had known about all the other moments he had left out. She had never and would never hold it against him that he couldn’t have told her.

“I will tell you about it when we are back home and alone and-“

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, you know?” Felicity asked. “I know how hard this is on you and-“

“I want to talk to you about it, Felicity,” Oliver interrupted her. “If the last decade proved anything to me, it’s that talking to you about things is helping me. Let’s just wait until the kids are asleep and we have a little time for ourselves.”

Felicity nodded her head. “Sounds good.”

Oliver smiled with relief and rested his forehead against hers for a moment. As walking like that got difficult very soon, they both angled their heads back and looked where they were going. Felicity missed the closeness to Oliver though she was still tugged right to his side. She snuck her hand under his jacket. Pushing up the hem of his Henley, she stroked her hand over his warm back and let her fingernail scratch his scarred skin lightly.

They walked in silence for a little while, watching the kids. They were still chasing Hawk back and forth between them. Despite his inability to stop in time, Hawk had never run into one of the kids. It was like he knew exactly that Oliver and Felicity were able to take him, while he needed to be more careful with the kids. He was a good dog, the best they could possibly have.

Felicity considered saying something to break the silence. As comfortable as it was, she was sure that Oliver was thinking too much right now. She wanted to clear his head from the dark thoughts, but she got the feeling that Oliver wanted to say something more.

“This situation still makes me nervous,” he said eventually, confirming what Felicity had already suspected. “I mean I am hyper-vigilant in most situation, but something like this is particularly worrying to me.”

Felicity rested her chin against Oliver’s shoulder and watched his face. He took a thorough look around, taking in his environment like he did so often. His gaze lingered a little longer at some particularly dark spots were dangers could be waiting. He preceded to look at the kids then and their happiness seemed to bring at least a little ease. She could feel in the way the tension in his back decreased slightly.

“I am pretty sure that tonight I will have nightmares about this,” Oliver said with a low sigh. “I will dream that we go for a walk here just like we do know, but one of the kids will disappear.”

“I’ll be there to comfort you if that happens,” Felicity promised, scratching her fingernails over the scar at Oliver’s lower back slightly. “I promise.”

Oliver turned his head and smiled at her with eyes full of love. No matter how often Oliver had looked at her like that already and no matter how much she knew that Oliver’s love for her knew no end, she still got the same flutter in her stomach she had had years ago already. She doubted that would ever change.

“I can’t tell you how much better I am feeling since you are in my life.” Oliver lifted the hand that had rested against Addie’s cheek to protect her face from the cold and let his fingers brush against her cheek. “I don’t know where I’d be today if it wasn’t for you.”

“Luckily, wo don’t have to think about where we’d be without each other.”

“Yeah, luckily.”

Smiling, Oliver leaned forward and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. Felicity could almost taste the relief on his lips. They both always felt the best when there was nothing left unspoken between them.

She was sure that the conversation they would have tonight would not be easy. Even though she knew what Oliver would tell her, she knew it would be hard for him to say and it would be hard for her to hear. They needed that conversation though. She was sure it would help Oliver to move forward in therapy.

It would be hard, but they would manage to process that together because that was when they were the strongest. 

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