#i love my bff so much :( shes the bestest person ever in the whole entire world and i want to spend eternity with my angel ♡

[atsubie]

No matter how they 🍎

📖 toss the dice, it had to be ❁͜͡ᡴꪫ ᭢˚̣̣̣͙

[laurenbanasik]

A wholesome meme, and I changed my lockscreen to a desert because my phone is DRYYYYY AS FUCKKKKING HELLLLLL. I rarely get contact from those I love because they’re far away and I’m p sure they have a secret group chat without me in it to make things easier without having to worry about inviting me since I live so far away and don’t want to burden me with not being able to spontaneously hang (which breaks my fucking heart but oh well 🙃) and if I’m wrong I suppose my extreme social paranoia has WON YET AGAIN OOOOPPPPSS. Well I’m emotionally overwhelmed and drunk so here’s another rant on how my life sucks and how I have such an issue telling other people about it because, due to years and years of emotional neglect, I have an INCREDIBLE INABILITY to confide in others healthily HAHAHHAHA. S/o to anyone who deems me a valid human being and god forbid chooses me for a friend.

Anywho, I’ve FINALLY realized why I fucking HATE to see my only friends hangout without me. MAYBE. JJJJUUSTT MAYBE, it has to do with the fact that the last time I saw my old high school friends (the 3 I held closest to my heart and confided everything in) hanging out without me on social media was also the same day they yote me out of their lives forever... More detail? I thought you’d never ask!! How kind of you to care about my innermost traumas and allow me to express myself, seeing as I’m an incredibly open book about my sorrows. Having anyone listen to them and make me feel like a person worthy of love and care despite my many faults is something that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS to me anymore due to me not opening up, not having the emotional availability to, or I’m just SO SO SICK OF BURDENING MY LOVED ONES WITH THE SAME SAD SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT IVE JUST SWALLOWED MY INNERMOST DEMONS TO AVOID FURTHER CONTAMINATION OF MY LIFES ONLY LIGHT AKA MY FRINDS WHO THINK IM FIIIINNNEEE. FUN FACT IM FUCKING NOOOTTTT !!!!

Anyways, it was the tail end of my senior year in high school and my 3 closest and bestest friends in the whole wide world.... posted on Snapchat that they’d met up, without me, and were doing some bs cutsey bff forever Pinterest bullshit. I asked why I wasn’t there , and they proceeded to mock me via social media and kindly let me know I was no longer their friend by dancing to the hook of “I don’t Fuck With You”. Visciously @-ing meover snapchat. I cried. And cried. And fuck it had an AWFUL panic attack because I had ABSOLUTELY NO GODDAMN Clue what was happening. I was Confused. Hurt. Lost. AND I had no idea what I did wrong. (I later learned it was because someone said that someone said that I Apparently said something mean about them. It wasn’t true but, hey, it’s probably because I’m SUCH a horrible friend, and SUCH a cunt that it was apparently SOOOO believeable that IT completely negated anything I could’ve said in my defense. Adding to my extreme social paranoia I hold near and dear to me to this day, that’s often exploited in most social interactions I have which has made me an almost total recluse! THANKS ABBIE, KOURTNEY, AND BRIDGETTE! FUCK IT ADD JESSICA AND KASEY IN THERE TOO ECWN THOUGH THEYD NEVER CALL ME THEIR FRIEND IN ANY HEALTHY CIRCUMSTANCE HAHA ! YAYYYY TORMENTORS !!!) .....

And that was the last I ever really had contact with them. My only friends throughout some of the most pivotal years of my life. One I talked out of suicide and self harm, another I assisted with confidence and general love and support, and I tried to be there for the third as best I could, but she was a typical badass so I just enjoyed her company. My high school friends. I gutted them out of my heart as best I could. Forgot all of the AMAZING times we’ve had. A great portion of my memories in high school were tossed out along with their presence in my life to make the pain go away. A huge part of me died that day ... and nobody knew about it.

So, now, whenever I’m excluded I’m immediately put back into that void of confusion. What did I do wrong ? Did I hurt them? Why am I not there ? Do they think that little of me? Do they know how much I love them? Do I care for them more than they do for me? Is this a healthy friendship? Do they really think I’d rather be anywhere than with them? Should I just cut them out of my heart now to be ready for eventual betrayal ? Do I cut them out of my soul despite how much I’ll bleed? Haha , Yeah. I know.... it’s tucked up and Toxic as all hell. But, I can’t even begin to imagine a conversation with anyone about their attempt to help me with THAT problem. Or any other problems resulting from that. And, a couple days ago... id met up with a friend I’ve had since middle school. Someone who I loved my life side by side with until college. Someone Who saw that entire exchange, and who is still friends with those who (knowingly/unknowingly) tormented me to the point of breaking all through high school in the most demented,confusing, and underhanded ways you can imagine. I told that story to her, because she never knew how me and my 3 friends drifted so far away from each other. She had JUST heard about ALL of that for the FIRST time in nearly 4 years. And she believed me.... The whole situation of my downfall as a respected senior at Euclid High School. A girl who I’ve shared more than half my life with at the time ... and it was invisible to her. Wild.

I have broken apart an old piece of myself. Analyzed every detail, despite how much each part made me bleed. These old shard rip open old scars. It’s nothing new. I’ve been living in confused, isolated pain for YEARS. You really think this will break me? .... I mean I’m already very much broken. I mean, look at me, I’m venting on tumblr 🙃😒🙄. I just keep making shifty shelters out of the broken pieces of myself, just waiting for the next wolf to blow me down. I may be living in fear and paranoia, but I’m still standing....... aren’t I ?

[bluering8]

TNG S03

I’VE DONE TWO OF THESE ALREADY YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT’S COMING BY THIS POINT also everybody on this fucking show wears like one-piece jumpsuits and all I can think is how goddamn inconvenient must that be every time you need to take a leak.

Geordi la Forge - Geordi’s finally getting some focus episodes this season and it’s excellent, I’m remembering that I actually super like him as a character in his own right and not just as Data’s BF/BFF (it’s one of those two things). There’s something so pleasing about how he’s kind of socially-awkward and yet consistently responds to situations by being level-headed and compassionate. We should all be a little more like Geordi.

Guinan - I think Guinan’s a pretty cool lady, eh wears fantastic hats and doesn’t afraid of anything. She’s like the spacefuture version of “retired adventurer runs a tavern” which is a character type I’m fond of.

Lwaxana Troi - Honestly I could watch an entire episode consisting of nothing but Lwaxana, she is a gift to this world and her existence is basically the only thing which makes standard-issue Troi a tolerable character to me. I’m totally certain she’s not actually into Picard and is just trolling the shit out of him, which is honestly my favourite dynamic for people interacting with Picard (see also: why I love Q, although in Q’s case I’m like 80% sure at least some of the interest is genuine).

Worf - Man what is Up with Worf. It’s weirding me out how he keeps being presented as like, the most klingon klingon to ever klingon, Proud Warrior Race Guy who had his sense of humour surgically removed and replaced with HONOUR, but also he was mostly raised by humans yet despite this likes to act as though he’s unfamiliar with human culture sometimes?? I don’t even know, man. His determination to be super stereotypically klingon kind of makes sense as overcompensation for the whole raised-by-humans thing but that hasn’t actually come up in canon yet, any explanation you can make for his behaviour at this point is just fanwank. I don’t know, I feel like the show could be doing a lot more with Worf than it actually does.

S03E07 The Enemy - I don’t have super much to say about this episode but it sort of epitomises what I like about Geordi, he’s smart and resourceful and his response to a romulan pointing a space gun at him is to go “hey we’re in the same leaky-as-shit boat here, let’s work together to save ourselves using the power of FRIENDSHIP”. Meanwhile Worf thinks his honourboner is more important than not starting a war I guess?? fuck’s sake Worf.

S03E10 The Defector - Oh man I really loved this episode’s oneshot NPC!! Like a frankly ridiculous amount of really loved him; he’s my favourite (awful) shade of morally-grey and his motivation was something I found super compelling.

Honestly I super enjoyed everything about this episode. It was delightful and one of those rare episodes which completely worked for me, from the storyline to the character interactions to Data’s Shakespearian holodeck shenanigans suddenly becoming way less of a non-sequitur when Picard quotes it later in the episode. The plot leant just hard enough on all the is-he-or-isn’t-he that if you don’t think twisty enough you might forget that there’s a third possibility, and that’s always wonderful.

S03E11 The Hunted - Okay look if this episode wants me to agree that “stick them all on the moon” is a bad way to deal with people who automatically respond with uncontrollable hyperviolence when even slightly threatened then it needs to make less of a deal about how they’re people who automatically respond with uncontrollable hyperviolence when even slightly threatened. Seriously, they’re wired on a hairtrigger and they have literally have no ability to not respond with hyperviolence when set off, you can’t let them run around with the rest of the population and expect that to end well for anyone involved. The part where you gave up on helping them and decided to treat them all as criminals instead is horrible, but the basic plan of “stick them all on the moon” is really the only reasonable thing you can do under the circumstances.

S03E13 Deja Q - Man what fucking drugs are the Q even on though. “Hey I know we’re supposed to be punishing you here and you’ve only been human for like five minutes but also I guess what you’re doing right now bears like a super vague resemblance to a selfless act, what do you mean you’re trying to commit suicide oh my god Q just shut up and lie through your teeth for once, I need you to agree with me that this is a selfless act so that I have an excuse for giving you your powers back okay bye.”

I’m just going to assume they realised that Q trying to kill himself meant that they’d either have to permit him to cut his punishment short or else constantly interfere to prevent him from doing so and like, what even is the point of punishing Q if you can’t laugh at him while he suffers? Might as well restore him, at least that way the next few times he steps out of line you can threaten to hit him with the mortality stick again and laugh while he flinches.

S03E14 A Matter of Perspective - So we’re just gonna. We’re just gonna ignore the part where hologram!Riker sexually assaulted someone and this was (according to Troi) a true and accurate representation of what went down from the perspective of the person he nonconsensually macked on? We’re ignoring that, then. Okay.

S03E20 Tin Man - Somebody remind me to write up another red-string conspiracy headcanon post about why I’m convinced Data and Tam Elbrun fucked during this episode because they absolutely did, Tam Elbrun definitely 100% rode the fuck out of that android dick and I will fight any man to the death in defence of my interpretation of this episode.

S03E24 Ménage à Troi - This is another episode dominated by What’s Wrong With Wesley. See, FUCKING WESLEY THE WORST CHARACTER wants to go to Starfleet Academy, but the show doesn’t want FUCKING WESLEY THE WORST CHARACTER to go to Starfleet Academy it wants him to stay on the ship so I can suffer more. But because FUCKING WESLEY THE WORST CHARACTER is FUCKING WESLEY THE WORST CHARACTER he can’t just fail the exam because that would make him not the bestest most wonderfulest, so they have to think of Something Else. Last time the Something Else was that FUCKING WESLEY THE WORST CHARACTER solved someone else’s problems for them, but they couldn’t do that again so this time it’s that FUCKING WESLEY THE WORST CHARACTER saves the day by solving a problem and this makes him late for his space bus. In conclusion: FUCKING WESLEY THE WORST CHARACTER.

tl;dr: Still want to live in the parallel universe where Jarok gets to be a main character and has focus episodes and a character arc and everything, also I’m glad Data finally got to have fully-consensual sex not under the influence of Weird Space Drugs.

IN OTHER NEWS about halfway through this season I had to start watching every episode multiple times because I hit a point where my brain just would not register anything happening onscreen. So okay I guess it is time to Take A Break. Remember to check back in next week for your randomly-scheduled Hap Doing Senseless Bullshit!

[landy-amor]

1

Let’s start on a lighter note. My name is big and bold on the top of the page, so those who know me will probably know of whoever I decide to talk about. Even so, I will not post names. Outside of that, I will be as honest as possible.

Lighter note = what I now call “my worst heartbreak”.

Disclaimer* (just to not sound like an ardida): I have talked things out with one of the people involved in this tragedy. This helped a lot with putting my heart and mind at ease. My feelings toward the other person have eased up, and although it was indeed an awful experience, I am not angry anymore. I am using this blog as an outlet and sharing my personal experiences with no intent to harm anyone. If anyone who thinks I am talking about them feels like I am not being honest, you are more than welcome to share your side of the story.

Let’s take a step back to ~2004, my third grade math class. I don’t quite remember how I first met this person. I only know my first memory of us. I had a book that I was loving. For whatever reason, this person (which I’ll refer to as A) had my book at a moment she was not supposed to. Therefore, our math teacher took it away and said something about asking for it back after class. I got my book back or whatever. Fast forward to my next memory being fifth grade. I was an elementary kid beginning my lust for boys. Of course, I’ve only had two boyfriends in my entire life, and anyone who says otherwise is a psycho /.\ So in fifth grade, A mentioned her liking this boy. I don’t know if she ever told him, but I feel like she probably did not. During the end of the year festivities, someone told me that same boy liked me and was going to ask me out. {This is the earliest I remember that after hearing a boy likes me, I magically like them back.} So yeah, I liked that same boy A said she liked.

Blah blah, fast forward to ¡middle school! This is when A and I really began to grow close imo. Sixth grade, we joined drama club and band. Drama club was after school, and I was only able to join because she could be my ride home. Looking back, this is when I first connected my ability to participate in things with her desire to. Drama club helped me a lot with my shyness. At least I’d like to think so. We were able to learn improv and experience school plays. I believe this is when we began to hang out outside of school. I might be remembering wrong, but I think I would go over to her house most of the time. She went to mine at the time maybe a couple of times because I lived with my aunts and uncles in a trailer too small for so many people. Anyway, we grew very close over Just Dance on her wii, calls to Cody Simpson’s fan voicemail, and talking about whoever I liked at the time. This went on for 2 years until I moved and entered eighth grade at a different school. The summer I moved, my biggest concern was whether or not we would see each other as often. I knew our friendship could never end. I moved only like 10 minutes away, but A did not really visit. Instead, the other main person of this story visited and grew closer to me. She will be referred to as B.

B and I met in sixth grade. We were in the same social studies class. I don’t remember how we began talking, but Facebook probably had a lot to do with it. The summer that I moved, B came over a lot. We bonded over crazy singing and joking around in my room making videos to post of Facebook. We had a sort of awkward but goofy friendship. It slowly but surely kept growing since that summer.

That year felt like it would be tough. Adjusting to a new school where I would be with people I had heard of but hadn’t met before sounded awful. Being away from my bestest friend sounded worse. I even started making video diaries for A, but they didn’t really get a response. Or the response I was looking for. I don’t remember how many times A and I actually hung out during that year, but we definitely grew a little apart.

HIGH SCHOOL STARTED. I don’t remember much about nineth grade other than I continued to be a nerd with no breaks. Keep in mind, all these years I went around meeting people and telling them about my bff A. OH YEAH my quinceañera! So before high school began, I was supposed to move to Mexico, and we were not going to plan my quinces until we got there. However, my mom changed her mind after Obama announced DACA (which has had a huge impact & deserves its own post). A and I were hoping we’d go to the same magnet high school, but because I was not planning on starting high school here anymore, I did not apply to magnet. Anyway, preparations for my quinces began. I would like to think I kept her in the loop on everything because her opinion meant so much to me. Sadly, I barely knew anything about hers. I was just asked to be a madrina, and I showed up. For mine, she was my dama and all that. I’m not sure if the differences in involvement were because we had just grown apart for a year prior. A big moment I remember was on my quinceañera day, I felt like she wasn’t very present. I never knew if anything had actually happened with her that day.

After nineth grade, I moved close to my high school. Here, I lived with only my mom and sisters. These next few years were full of sleep overs, movies, late night stalking, talks about boys I liked, the usual. Me me me. This is a big question mark for me. Why was it always about my stuff? Did I talk a lot? Was I too self-absorbed?? Or did she just not want to talk about herself??? During these same years, B also joined into our friendship and became my second BFF.

Let’s break down our friendship dynamic now. A, B and I were bffs. I was closest to A though. And somehow, I felt like A and B were closer than B and I. A also had another super bff that was just a friend to B and I. A also had another close friend who B and I were also friends with. This friendship dynamic got confusing various times for me. It also made me very self conscious of my friendship with A because I felt like she was my main bff while she had several. I felt disposable many times.

I would say senior year of high school was the best year of our lives together. A, B and I ruled the world. I trusted them with absolutely everything. My mom and sisters had also grown a loving and trusting relationship with both of them. Although this last year of high school was our best because we could drive and go out more, there were various times where I didn’t know what was going on in A’s life. Although I told A and B literally everything to do with me, it was hard to hear news from A. The last two years of HS, she was involved in extracurriculars that kept her busy and cut our hanging out time, which is fine. I’ve had a problem with expecting the same effort from others as I make with them. Senior year, I was a part of a lot of clubs, and I even invited A and B to join one at my school to increase our time together. Anyway, senior year was going by, and we had many great times together. I met my bb, broke up, met another boy who everyone in my new club-family liked, didn’t work out, began to build my current relationship, and A and B walked every step with me.

During this same year, A and I worked together. Towards the end of the school year, we took a trip with this job. A and I roomed with 2 other girls who we loved. However, A and I were supposed to be this pair of bffs who were the closest ever. Sadly, I felt avoided this whole trip. This wasn’t anything new, though. I experienced this same feeling with A several times before: when I went out of town with her family and on a middle school band trip. I don’t know how to describe the feeling other than avoidant and absent.

Continuing, the end of senior year was approaching. Prom came, and with it, came its own mess. That mess I will keep private. Regardless, it was a mess not very noticeable, and we all had a blast. College visits also came, and A, B and I went together to the one we’d be attending together that fall. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out this way. Graduations came, and we each had separate ones. I wasn’t able to see A’s because I was in line to walk onto the field while she was walking. B saw her walk, and A and B rushed over to mine right after (which I’m deeply grateful for). The next day, A and I watched B graduate. High school had ended.

The summer after high school graduation was the beginning of the end. A was again very distant and hard to reach. Right after graduation, I moved once again. This time, I moved about 4 streets, ~2 minute drive from A. However, no help was offered from either A or B. No visiting was suggested right after we had settled in. I hadn’t seen A in a while, until one day, A and her sister were visiting my neighbor. Yes, the person right next door to me. Apparently, I was one house too far from visiting potential. Through out that summer, B and I tried getting all 3 of us to hang out several times. A was unavailable. She was mysteriously free to hang out with B whenever I couldn’t or just did not mention it to me. AGAIN, this is my experience. I did run it all through B, and not many changes were pointed out. As I mentioned, the 3 of us were unable to start college together that fall. I began school terrified and anxious because I didn’t have the two people I counted on to explore this new territory. Of course I wanted to see them as soon as I could whenever I could during that start of the semester. Sadly, it didn’t go that way. I felt alone. I felt disappointed. I felt hurt. So yes, I broke up with A. We didn’t communicate as much. We never saw each other. And I felt like I was the only one trying. I didn’t want to carry us anymore. Then, I broke up with B because she didn’t see anything wrong with what was going on. (I can now say this one was a bad reason to leave someone.)

For the next year, I questioned my decisions daily. I regretted them several times. I reached out once or twice when I didn’t feel okay. (No help really came from it.) I had trust issues for a year, really bad trust issues. I couldn’t connect with anyone new. I didn’t know how to make a new friend or try to make a new best friend. I vented in the middle of the lunch area to two guys who thought I was crazy. “Why can’t you just knock on her door and confront her?” one said. Hello??? Do you not know girls? I talked things out with my first close buddy who helped me trust again whether she knew it or not. I healed slowly. Then, I found out things I did not know existed about A. These I will also keep private, but my point is, I did not know A like I thought I did for so many years.

The questions I was leading up to are here now: were we doomed from the start? I mean from when I liked the same guy she said she liked. Were the signs there all along? like when she was distant. Was it my fault for making our friendship all about me? Or was it her fault for not bringing herself into our friendship? Was it no one’s fault but miscommunication?

What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? I asked myself this over and over many times when we first broke up. Why did she not try anymore? This was the W O R S T heartbreak I had ever felt. Now it made sense.

I have heard other people’s theories on why things happened. I will not know the why or the who. However, I did take some good things out of this heartbreak.

independence: I learnt how to try things because I wanted to, not because A also wanted to.

renewed trust: I let new people into my heart. I made new close friends I don’t think I would have if my bowl of friendship was filled by mostly one person.

discovery: I opened my eyes to what I already had around me. My first best friend, my first jump to begin a friendship, my first bold friend. All three became my new best friends. My true friends. My honest friends. My adulting friends. My life partners.

love: I may have gotten to this without this experience, but it would have taken me a lot longer. I used to be a “friends are more valuable than boyfriends” gal. Now, I’m a “who has been more valuable to me” gal. During this break up, I leaned on my boyfriend a loooot. He became my best friend quickly. Because of that, I found my true feelings for him much easier.

What a rollercoaster. And that was only one topic....