#i love misgendering myself for meme content

[gift-of-prophecy]

[dadddybangtan]

You Can Tell Me

Yeonjun x Trans FTM Reader

Synopsis: Yeonjun’s best friend (reader) has to come out as trans.

Genre: fluff | lgbtq+ | oneshot

Content Warnings: unintentional misgendering, sensitive subject matter,

A.N.: instead of spending $200 per session to talk to a gender therapist about what i already know, i’m just going to write comforting oneshots with my ults. hopefully this comforts me and others in my position as well. again, refraining from using the term “y/n.”

Reader’s POV

It hurts to say, but it’s getting really hard to hang out with my best friend. Every joke starts with “girl” and every compliment ends in “queen.” It feels like he’s mocking me.

Only he doesn’t know that he is.

In his mind, he’s done nothing wrong. Every “girl” is a gunshot and every “queen” is a bullet wound I’ll have to heal myself from later. Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive. Or maybe it just hurts to hear my best friend refer to me this way.

“Girl, why’re you so sad,” He asks, pulling me out of my train of thought, “You love this movie.”

As much as I love the movie, I don’t feel comfortable.

“I’m just tired,” I lie, “I should start heading home anyways.”

“What? You never get tired this early.”

“Well, I do now.”

I don’t mean to snap. It’s getting to be too much to handle.

I stand up from the couch, but I feel Yeonjun’s hand grab my arm before I can walk out.

“What’s going on, girl?”

“Nothing.” I mumble as I try to wiggle out of his hold.

“Come on, sis, you can tell me.”

I rip my arm from his hand in a fit of rage.

“I’m not your sis,” I shout, “I’m not your girl, I’m not queen, I’m just–.”

I cut myself off and plop back onto the couch. I close my eyes so I don’t have to see the hurt on Yeonjun’s face. He’s not used to me getting visibly or seriously angry. And despite his actions, he’s actually quite sensitive.

“Yeonjun,” I breathe out, “I- I don’t know how to tell you this.”

His silence scares me. In a weird way, I appreciate it. It gives me time to think. Think about how I’m going to permanently alter all of the memories he has of me. Think about how I may not have a best friend anymore if he doesn’t approve.

“I want you to know that I’m still me and nothing has changed.

“O-okay.”

“I’m a boy,” I say simply, “I’m transgender.”

“Oh–.”

“I don’t want you to see me differently, okay?”

He blinks in disbelief. His lips move, but no words come out.

“Please say something.”

“I don’t know what to say… Other than ‘I’m sorry.’”

“It’s oka-.”

“No, no. I know this is something really important and serious. And you probably didn’t wanna tell me like this.”

“Like what?”

“I misgendered you so much and you came out to me out of frustration. I feel like I made you come out to me when, maybe, you weren’t ready.”

It’s true. I would’ve rather told him like I told my brother; in a series of texts and internet memes. It wasn’t as serious as now. Coming out to Yeonjun felt like an attempt at survival. It was so intense. I can still feel my hands trembling.

“I was going to tell you eventually. I’ll admit it was hard because you always knew me as a girl. And I was scared of losing you.”

“I don’t love you because I see you- saw you- as a girl. You’re just a good person and I like being around you. Regardless of what gender you are.”

“You really mean that?” My voice cracks.

“Yeah.” he says with a warm smile.

I reach over and give him the biggest hug I’d ever given him. The tighter I squeeze, the less I feel like crying.

“You’re choking me.” He wheezes.

I pull away and laugh before playfully strangling him.

“Are you still too tired to watch the show?”

I roll my eyes.

“I guess I can watch one more episode.”

[thepunkbug]

Shit babes, do I have some tea for you.

So I’ve been catching up on TikTok recently cause I deleted it a few weeks ago and redownloaded cause I missed wasting time on it. One of the people I follow is Ryan McCartan, and for those of you who don’t know, he is very politically active on Instagram and TikTok. He’s left-leaning and recently posted some videos stating that all white people, by virtue of being white and benefitting from that whiteness, are racist, and of course people freaked out about it. I’m not gonna get into that cause it’s a big discussion, but long story short, he isn’t wrong and there was more to it than that.

It sounds to me like someone reported the video for racist content (which it didn’t have, he wasn’t using slurs or anything, he was just talking about how white people benefit from racism), and people have been giving him shit. I camped out in one of the comment sections, calling out people who didn’t even watch the video before it was taken down, and I come across someone. . . ignorant.

Before I continue, some minor background stuff. My TikTok bio has my pronouns in them (she/her or they/them), and I identify most with she/her, but have no problems being referred to by they/them either. I put them in to normalize it and so people don’t misgender me, and I do this on every social media platform I can. Now, I’d normally use they/them pronouns for interactions with people online when they don’t make their pronouns clear. However, this person - let’s call him Dot - criticized my use of pronouns in my bio, and there’s a picture of an American football player in his profile picture, so I’ma just assume this is a cis guy I’m quarrelling with here.

More below the cut (this is a hefty boyo).

Okay, here we go again! Someone commented something ignorant, to which someone replied with “go cry about it.” Someone complained about that, and a second person replied with “go cry about it.” I rather enjoy this, since they’re getting upset over nothing and there’s no use arguing with dumb people, so I think this is something we should normalize.

Anyway, Dot replies to someone, something like “imagine copying someone else,” so I replied to him with “yeah? go cry about it.” Very witty, I know. I’m so very proud of myself.

From here on out, I’m just gonna do the back-and-forth dialogue, it’s easier that way.

Dot: imagine telling someone “go cry about it” when you cry if someone misgenders you (cry-laughing emoji)

Me: you are so damn sensitive and ignorant. would you like a hug? a sticker? go cry about it lmao

Dot: imagine barking at people (three cry-laughing emojis) and don’t call me sensitive when you tried to cancel everything that breathes

We’re mixing tenses here, and he’s saying something completely ungrounded and untrue, but I digress.

Me: literally what are you talking about? you’re the one tryna cancel Ryan for making a really good point. and hey, guess what? go cry about it fool (two laughing emojis)

Dot: I didn’t try to cancel him and it wasn’t a good point. Calm down they them she

Me: 1, if you don’t see the validity in what he said, that’s on you. 2, thanks for using my pronouns! how kind of you boo.

Dot: your welcome sweetheart. I wouldn’t want you to cancel me (wide-eyed emoji)

I refrained from complaining about the pet name, since I just used one and that wouldn’t be fair or make sense. Also, it’s “you’re.”

Me: oh don’t worry, you’re not important or significant enough to cancel. you’re safe!

This seemed to strike a chord.

Dot: sweetheart y’all canceled a 12 year old for posting a meme that has the n word in it

Dot: So i definitely think I’m significant enough for you to cancel

Dot: Also don’t call someone else in significant if you think it’s necessary to have your pronouns in your bio bc people wouldn’t be able to tell otherwise

First of all, he made no sense. Second of all, an insult? The delivery was weird and I was a little distracted by how insignificant is now somehow two separate words.

Me: what 12 year old? what meme?

Me: you’re not. you’re really not.

Me: idek what you’re trying to say here. I put my pronouns in so ppl know and to normalize it. if that bothers you...go cry about it?

Dot: sweetheart calm down it’s a joke

He has overused his pet name pass. Either that or I up the ante (which I think I do eventually).

Dot: my pronouns are nor/mal. I didn’t feel like it’s necessary to put them in my bio but I’ll tell you since you seem to care about pronouns so much

Progress? Perhaps?! I’m not sure. It’s unclear.

Me: I don’t laugh at things that aren’t funny babes.

Me: all pronouns are normal lmao, he, she, they, etc. if you wanna tell me then sure! wouldn’t wanna misgender you.

He has yet to further respond. I think I left off pretty civil, all things considered. If he (or they, or she, or anything else) decides to pick this back up, I’ll probably be nicer. It’s possible I can be a good influence on him! Convert him, so to speak. Wouldn’t that be neat?

I’ll make sure to update if there are any further developments. If you read this far, here, enjoy a picture of my cat giving me no personal space. He’s a dummy and a sweetheart lol I love him.

Until next time!

[pumpkins-s]

Year's not over yet! If you want to 14 15 24 25 27?

The year is over because I’m slow but fuck it here we go–

14. a fic you didn’t expect to write

Uhhhh double-dealing here with “Of the Dead and the Wicked” and “Nothing Small.” My goals for this year were supposed to be to just work on Not As Simple, but life (and new ideas) happen. “Of the Dead and the Wicked” was written because my friends and I all got into Good Omens about the same time, and they fell in love with the AU idea. “Nothing Small” was…incredibly spontaneous. I wrote the first chapter in two days haha…

15. something you learned this year

This is probably a weird answer but it is related to fanfic–

Fanfiction? Genuinely teaches you solid writing skills on so many levels–characterization, pacing, endurance, grammar, tricks with perspective–that many people otherwise lack. It’s amazing what it can do for you, and how much you realize that difference once you get outside the world of fanfiction.

Context? I started my MFA in Creative Writing this year. I won’t specify where but let’s just stay it’s a prestigious program–not top five maybe, but…very good. Very competitive. Not cheap. Not easy to get into. 

And dear God…some of my classmates cannot write. They cannot write the way fanfiction writers can. They do not have the same stamina for long projects. They do not have the same depth of imagination. They do not have the same…well, they don’t have the same balls I’ve seen on some of the best of fanfiction writers to take the absolutely batshit and make it incredible. They are not willing to go as deep, or as hard, or as ridiculous (and no, this is not a sex joke, but I heard plenty whenever I mentioned fanfic). They do not, to quote my favorite meme when discussing creative writing in academia, have the range.

I have survived a semester of shocking grammar and spelling, sexist writing, and a godawful lack of self-awareness about what they are putting out into the world, what it says, and what it looks like. I have received truly, staggeringly unhelpful feedback–I have sat through class sessions of classmates misgendering the main character of my novel, telling me my two main characters need to fuck, and that the main problem of my story is that my nonbinary protagonist doesn’t seem “nonbinary enough” (this said by cis people to me, an openly NB person), when I’d made it clear my concern with that story was how to write a science fiction cop novel that can criticize cop culture and discuss police brutality while also indulging in the age-old drama of the detective story and without overstepping my bounds as someone who has been lucky enough in this life not to directly experience police violence myself. 

There are amazing people in my program, too. Incredibly talented people. But there’s also so many that I cannot believe got in here. In short? I get laughed at a lot when I loudly declare I write fanfic, but fanfic could have done a lot to give these writers some very necessary practice and feedback. And, perhaps, a little more reflection on what they’re writing, why, and what it’s accomplishing. 

24. favorite fic you read this year

I sadly cannot confess to the first fic that came to mind for this because it was a crack fic and I will…never live it down. 

Instead, let me offer to you the Nanny Knows Best series for Good Omens. Which broke my heart 10 times over and I pray daily that the sequel fic will resume updates (they also stopped updating in August, like when I stopped updating “Of The Dead and the Wicked” so perhaps…this is my penance…Nanny will not return until Lilith does??)

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

Sure as the Setting Sun, a BNHA/Mob Psycho crossover (yes I know what that sounds like but Work with me here), blew my fucking mind. It’s basically about Mob joining UA and trying to aggressively Pacifist his was through hero school while All Might interrogates quirkless and unlicensed hero Reigen in the background. It’s fucking glorious and I look forward to every update. 

27. favorite fanfic author of the year

Honestly I’m bad at tracking authors (pitiful…pitiful…I know) and I could scrounge up the like…6 dabihawks authors who’s pages I keep accidentally returning to but I’m bad at names so. I will instead give my customary finger-guns to @queenangst who continues to turn out amazing content even if I run out of time to read as much as I should like. And also because she wrote this ask meme so it’s Funny. 

[queenburd]

you are good and you make me better

okay. few things.

1) i had a shitty terrible day at work and I needed to get it out of my system

2) i’m warming myself up for fic writing for summer again

two birds one stone. this is very raw with very little major changes from the first draft.

This fic includes discussions of misgendering and brief casual nudity with no descriptions. Queenie uses they pronouns this entire fic. It is important to note that they still use she pronouns and I’ll still use she/her for Queenie but Queenie is NB and it matters on a day to day basis for them.

anyway. housemates.

|.|.|.|

you are good and you make me better

Kass gets the text around six in the evening, as he is at the corner store purchasing a pack of cigarettes along with a couple candy bars. He flicks his phone open, squints at the screen, and then shoves it back into his pocket. Almost as an afterthought, Kass tosses a snickers bar onto the pile, then another. His phone buzzes in his pocket again, but he ignores it.

The house is dark when he gets back, though through the kitchen window and over the fence he can see the glint of a pair of perfect circles, under the silhouette of a black lightning bolt. The lightning bolt gives a little bob, and a bright screen waves at him. He flips it off absentmindedly as he pops open the window to get the summer air in.

“Why won't you answer my messages,” Dib hisses. “It's urgent!!”

“They can't hear you, mothboy. What am I supposed to say anyhow? Gee, thanks for the heads up? I don't actually need constant updates on the situation, thank-you-very-much.”

Kass is.... not very good at grateful, he'll own up to that much. Still, he sighs. “Go inside, I'll take care of it.”

“You better. It's never good when she gets this mad.”

“They.”

“Right. They. Sorry.”

“You'll get it.”

The lightning bolt pops back under the fence, out of sight. Kass rolls his eyes and climbs the stairs. The light is on in May's room, but their door is closed. He knocks twice, then enters.

“Bird, you scared the neighbors. I'm all for that.”

“ffmk mmff mm dm.”

“Yes, well, I don't speak pillow talk, as much as you wish I did.”

The lump on the bed cover turns its head towards him with thin eyes. “Fuck off and die.”

He can't help himself. He snorts. The little thing that looks back at him looks like hell—their hair, cut close to their scalp, is mussed on top, an effect of fingers being run through it, pulling at it. They are still in their work clothes, which means they're still in their binder.

May's eyes look bad. Not red, not like crying, but strained like the brow has been furrowed all day.

Kass approaches with more care than most people would know to recognize. Despite the miasma of rage they are radiating, he's undaunted, sitting on the edge of their bed frame, not touching them. He sets one of the snickers bars on the mattress, and slides it next to their head.

“You're not you when you're hungry.”

“Fuck off and die!!!” They snap again. He very nearly winces, grimacing a bit.

“Your vocabulary certainly is limited tonight.”

Credit where credit's due—Dib has every right to be worried. It's rare that May gets this angry, this sick of the human race. It can't be easy, working a job where you see the worst in people most of the time, because they consider you less than human. He doesn't envy them in the slightest.

Quietly, Kass pulls the corner store receipt out of his pocket and offers it to them. He watches as they begin to meticulously shred it, watches the tension in their knuckles and the disjointedness of their movements.

“Did you drink anything yet?”

They seem to prefer to ignore him. That's a no.

Slowly, Kass lowers himself into a crouch beside the bed. He watches their face, trying to meet their eyes. They look something terrible. As if not to startle a small creature (and isn't that what they are?) his hand raises, and he sets it on theirs. They try to pull back, halfheartedly.

“Eat something.”

Their jaw tenses up. He stands and leaves the room, but it's not long until he returns with a tall glass of water. They haven't sat up in that time, but they are nibbling on the snickers bar quietly, curled in tight on themself.

“Up,” he says, and with strained motions they sit up, taking the glass from him and downing half the contents loudly. When they hand it back, he sets it on the desk and kneels in front of them to begin unbuttoning their shirt. They don't argue it, letting him push the stiff fabric back off their shoulders. There's a stiffness to them, like they've forgotten how to relax their shoulders and spine. He pushes the calloused pads of his fingers into the curve where their neck meets their scalp. They close their eyes.

“Helping?” he asks simply. They shrug, and raise their arms obediently as he grabs the hem of their binder and pulls it up over their head. Partial nudity means little to them these days, especially considering the weird fluid nature of their relationship. He slides their pajama top over their head and they slowly do the rest.

-

May is a complicated person. They love humans. They believe in the potential of humans so strongly. They think humans aren't inherently bad, they've just been trained to look out only for themself.

And then, they just, crack. Sometimes all that hope leaves them, and they don't seem like May anymore. They seem more like--

well. More like Kass.

He doesn't want them to be like him. He doesn't want them to think like him, to think humans are a poison and worthless. So when their eyes go all steely and they seem more less like a person and more like a deity, Kass worries.

Hell, there was one incident where May looked straight at him and told him, maybe he was right. Maybe humans weren't worth saving. He couldn't describe how shaken he was at that. It had reverberated through his core, made him realize that he couldn't just mouth off as he liked. For once in Kass's pathetic, angry life, people were actually listening to the words coming out of his mouth.

That situation had ended in tears on their part, which isn't surprising. Most things make May cry, they're a tender thing.

He's a bit more careful now. He's careful with his words, and he watches them more closely for the signs. He's become proficient enough at it, enough that when Dib sees May's breakdowns across the street he's quick to alert Kass, to make Kass fix it.

Kass has never been particularly good at fixing things, but he knows May. So he knows what to do.

-

Their fingers are knotted in his shirt tightly, their face pressed into his collarbone. He pets their curls absentmindedly.

“I'm not a girl,” they nearly whimper, their lips twisted against his sternum in a grimace. “I'm not, I'm not, what the fuck am I doing wrong.”

It's best to just let them ride it out. Kass puffs out a breath over their head.

“Fuck, they don't pay me enough for me to bother being nice, why are humans so fucking entitled. You and your ugly baby can go burn in hell.”

“Do you want another candy bar?”

“Mmmgh. Yeah.”

He stays there for a while longer, while the tension in their body drains out of them. It's slow, because it's hard to take their mind off the subject, but they like it when he talks, so he talks. He talks about Dib's overt panic over nothing at all, he talks about a shitty meme he saw, he pulls out his phone and shows them dumb cat videos.

When did he get so dedicated to this? He doesn't know. He's not so sure why it matters to him. Maybe it's a stability thing; May seems usually so sure of their beliefs. Their casual optimism and ability to shrug things off is so much a norm that anything else feels like the world is skewed.

“Tired,” May finally mumbles. “Head hurts.”

Kass stretches, finally putting a small gap between them. “C'mon, crybaby,” he says pleasantly. “Let's get you some tea.”

“Okay.”

They trail after him like a lost puppy, down the stairs into the kitchen. When they sit, they pull their knees up onto the seat. He starts the kettle, and pops open the fridge to pluck out a cookie. May had made them a few days earlier, and sweets always help these moods. He hands it to them. May stares at the cookie with a distant look, before finally glancing up at him.

“Candy bars and cookies aren't food.”

Even as they speak, the cookie is halfway to their mouth for them to nibble at. Kass says nothing, preferring to lean back against the counter edge and smirk at them.

Moments like this, it really seems that May is perpetually frozen in a state of childhood. Not for naivety or immaturity, but for moments where they are curled up on themself, looking up at Kass with bright wide eyes over their knees, wearing clothing much too big for them. He's reminded that May stopped aging at nineteen, and, yes, there are features that aren't confined to being a child. They are small, so incredibly small, but compact, with broad shoulders and hips. Those aren't childlike.

They seem trapped in this strange in-between, like how they seem trapped between a human being and an ethereal “other”. Just real enough to be human, but far more idealized, like a sculpture.

Gay. The teapot whistles. He preps them a mug, and sets it in front of them. May leans over the mug, looking worn to the bone. Kass ruffles their hair.

“Thank you,” they mumble into the rim of the mug, tilting their head into his hand. “I love you.”

He doesn't say it back. It is not a natural thing for him to say, or even really understand. Instead, Kass scratches the parts of their scalp that he knows they like, and it's as close as he can get.

This—all of this—is as close as he can get to saying it. And that's okay. They understand.

They understand how he feels, and that's all that matters. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, or sees. It doesn't matter if he's never learned the language for this, it doesn't matter that he doesn't even know how to analyze his own feelings. This is all that matters:

That they are there for him, and he is there for them, and that will never change.

[margridarnauds]

whatever numbers from that lgbt+ ask meme u haven't already been asked?

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

~Tentatively~ bi (Not into dating dudes, but can appreciate them aesthetically); she/her. 

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

I’ve not, thankfully. Having longish to medium length hair tends to mean that people ping me as a woman because for some reason we as a society decided to equate reproductive organs to dead skin cells. 

5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?I’ve talked before about how very laid back my mom was about it (Sometimes to extremes. Like...MOM. I KNOW YOU STILL LOVE ME, I APPRECIATE IT, BUT I DON’T NEED YOU REITERATING IT EVERY FIVE SECONDS. I KNO-) Still, it was genuinely good to have that weight off your shoulders. There’s always that moment of fear anyway, or where you’re worried that you’ll be told that you’ll change your mind. Coming out as an atheist was actually more stressful, tbh. 

6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

I don’t think I’ve ever REALLY gotten any blowback, it’s kind of like an “Oh.” I KNOW my aunt thinks it’s a phase, I have no idea how she’d deal with me actually DATING someone, especially since she’s hanging with a very conservative crowd at church and she’s a chameleon. 

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

For me, makeup is a personal choice, albeit one that IS often forced on women by either society or by their own businesses as a way of being “professional.” I hate how radfem culture has infected the discussion on it, to the point where normally STAUNCHLY anti-radfem bloggers unknowingly parrot the same talking points, I don’t consider it to be INHERENTLY evil and I DO think that some women can personally find empowerment with it. I’ve been BLOWN AWAY by the cosplay work people can do. But it IS fucked up that society EXPECTS women to spend hours each day on it. 

And, while I’m at it, while I don’t blame COMPANIES for naming their makeup things like “sex on the beach,” (astonishing, I know) because those are things VERY OBVIOUSLY AIMED AT ADULTS, I DO think that influencers are pure evil for convincing kids that they need them. (And also it’s not like the companies REALLY care about where they’re getting the money from, and the INFLUENCERS are getting money from somewhere, lest anyone think I’m giving capitalism a break here) And I blame parents for not being willing to discuss it with their kids, given that my mom was always very encouraging when it came to telling me that I didn’t need it when I was, like, 8. If you’re going to have kids, you need to be prepared to PARENT. And that includes discussing things with them, sometimes things that are uncomfortable, rather than simply giving them the $50 eyeshadow they’re asking for. And, to this day, I STILL don’t wear any, simply because I don’t feel like spending the time on it. I could probably magic myself some cheekbones if I really wanted to, but I don’t want to learn, not really, and I’m happy existing as I am. 

11. Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

I’m not sure if I would describe it as DYSPHORIA, per see, but there can be this very odd, disjarring feeling when someone calls me a woman or uses she/her. It doesn’t really LAST per se, it’s very much a momentary thing, and, as I’ve said before, I favor it compared to the other pronoun/gender options, but it’s definitely not something I’m 100% happy with. 

15. Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I haven’t been! Simply because even though my mom’s been open about being willing to take me, it’s still....awkward when you need to rely on someone else. Hopefully, next year, things will be better. 

16. Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

As far as people who are ACTUALLY LGBT+, I have a lot of personal respect for Janelle Monáe and Kristen Stewart. As far as icons and people who have been willing to speak out on behalf of LGBT+ rights while at least APPEARING to be straight (since I’m not going to pry one way or another), Taylor Swift, who has REPEATEDLY gone out there and embraced her LGBT+ fanbase. 

17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I haven’t been, a fact which I bitterly lament to anyone who’s willing to hear, which I’m sure is a VERY attractive trait. [/s]  

19. Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

I haven’t, one of the advantages of not “pinging”/ not being in a relationship with anyone. Can’t face discrimination if you’re holding your own hand. 

21. Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

Hm, outside of here, I don’t really FOLLOW that many LGBT+ bloggers. And here, just about all my mutuals are some brand of LGBT+. Obviously, there’s you. As far as people who tend to work a lot with gay content, particularly in a historical context, I highly recommend @marzipanandminutiae. For more general fandom-y stuff, my old friend @taylorswiftnuswnt, who has been really instrumental as far as helping me realize that I was something other than a Straight Girl™ (and who helps me keep up with the Gay Migration at any given point in time.)

22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?“Queer”‘s already mine and they’ll have to pry it out of my grubby hands. 

27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

Some people REALLY need/want them, some people don’t. Personally, I resent the EXPECTATION that we HAVE to have them. 

 Personally, I’m not interested in replicating a 50s marriage with a gay bent. I spent my entire childhood dreading being forced into that kind of gender role in a relationship and really dreading the idea of a relationship in GENERAL because of that; I’m not going to get into a carbon copy of that. 

If someone ELSE wants to do that, I’m not going to shit on them, because it’s THEIR decision. Go forth and be happy, though I do want BOTH partners to be aware that there are other options. (I saw so many people in my old hometown become essentially cookie cutter brides after they graduated from high school, all of them with kids, all smiling faces, all “stand by your man,” and yes, it does give me Stepford Wife vibes.)

I know that back in the day, Butch/Femme couples were shit on for “replicating heterosexuality,” and that was obviously wrong, so I’m not going to try to pretend like one way is the most progressive, but also for me? Nada. And I do kind of resent how Tumblr’s turned top/bottom discussions into “Let’s replicate the gender binary with gay ships.” Basically, people SHOULD have the ability to choose what makes them happy, but also? It is NOT some kind of default. 

28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Emotional abuse in platonic relationships (long)

My tumblr is usually my escapism fun zone, but it’s time for a quick serious talk.

I've been in a few emotionally abusive platonic relationships and was always frustrated that nearly every help article I read online was written primarily for cis women in a hetero, romantic relationship. Most guides talked about physical violence, sex, and a whole slew of other circumstances I did not experience.

Unfortunately, emotional abusive is not limited just to romantic relationships. Platonic relationships, especially long-term or otherwise intense ones (for example, those that spawn in fandom and minority spaces), can be just as difficult to recognize, confront, and escape.

I thought it might be helpful to outline patterns of abuse I have experienced in a platonic relationship with someone of the same gender. These abuse tactics are forms of control and most are intended to isolate and break down the victim. While it’s easy to write off behaviors individually, together, they form destructive and very deliberate patterns.

More below the cut. I’ve sat on this article for about 3 years to help distance myself from these bad friendships and make sure it wasn’t just me lashing out in the moment. Some of this content may be triggering for emotional and sexual abuse and transphobia.

Note: I'm writing this from the perspective of a trans man. These examples and quotes (some paraphrased) are real things told to me by various abusers. While the examples are very specific to me in some cases, the overall behavior is not.

1. Abusers carefully monitor and audit their victim's activity. Abusers constantly inject themselves into their victim's life and interrogate their victim when they're not included in something. 

Examples:

·         "I saw you check-in at the movies last night, why didn't you invite me?"

·         "I can't believe you took your mom to the new restaurant I've been wanting to go to."

·         "You never invite me to events with your grade school friends when they are in town."

2.  Abusers follow their victims into places they'd otherwise not have an interest, in order to stalk and exert control. Example:

·         Be wary of abusers who only start using social media when you do, especially if they only follow you and primarily vague-blog criticism and threats

3.  Abusers criticize their victim for not being supportive enough, even when the victim is actively supporting them. Example:

·         ::while hanging out together:: "You never hang out with me."

4.  Abusers constantly keep score... but only when it's in their favor. Example:

·         When I was unemployed and he was taking home more in a week than I could scrape together in a few months: “You should buy me this more expensive birthday present because you owe for me gas to the movies from a few months ago."

5.  Abusers use personal information to engage in social currency pissing matches and even blackmail. Examples:

·         "Oh, you're X's friend, too? [Let me tell you some in-jokes that embarrass my victim friend or establish I’m the superior friend due to having a long history.]”

·         "You wouldn't be where you are today if I wasn't the first person you came out to."

·         “You wouldn’t be so successful if I hadn’t introduced you to Y.”

6.  Abusers isolate their victims from work, friends, and family. Abusers consistently criticize their victim's family and friends. They focus on demonizing people/entities, rather than behaviors. Examples:

·         "I hate your job." vs "I hate when your work schedule interferes with our plans."

·         "I hate your friends." vs "I hate when your friends are pessimistic about this game."

7. Abusers are quick to demonize former relationships as a way of confirming their friendship is the superior one. Examples:

·         "Your ex was such a stupid bitch."

·         "I'm glad you don't hang out with those moochers anymore."   

8. When abusers can't isolate their victim from their friends/family, they use friends/family as leverage. Examples:

·         “Are you sure you can’t go to this event with me? Let me ask your partner.”

·         “Don’t tell me I can’t afford this, your mom can just loan me some money.”

9.  Abusers consider everything an immutable promise to set you up for failure. Examples

·         "You promised we'd see a movie at 7pm, I don't care that there's an emergency at your office, you’re a terrible friend for not hanging out with me."

10.   Abusers are hypocrites, especially when it comes to standards of friendship. Example:

·         "Respect is the most important thing to me..." :: consistently uses sexist language when asked not to::

11.   Abusers reduce every conflict to being about them and put their needs first. Example:

·         "I can't believe you'd spring on me that your partner is bigender."

12. Abusers treat your ability to care about something/one as a finite resource to be competed over. Example:

"You care more about [online trans friend who has been feeling suicidal] than you care about me."

12.   Abusers claim their victim's passions for their own as another stalking/control tactic and way to ignore seeing their victim as an actualized person with diverse interests/needs. Examples:

·         "That's really great fan art you drew, is it for me?

·         "Your cosplay is awesome, where's my costume?"

·         I've had a few abusers write really awkward self-insert fanfics that played out like fandom bingo in an attempt to garner my favor.

13.   Abusers will often try to mimic their victim's successes, but only in a superficial way and will blame the victim for their failures. Examples:

·         "I started a blog, but no one is following me because you're not promoting my posts enough."

·         "You told me to keep drawing, but still no one likes my art. It's all your fault."

14.   Abusers turn their victim's passions against them. Abusers ridicule their victim's interests, beliefs, etc. Examples:

·         "It isn't fair you're so talented. I'm totally worthless compared to you."

·         "I've lost you and everything I cared about to a mediocre movie (that you love so much)."

·         "SJWs and trans-trenders stole you away from me."

·         "You're always so angry about trans stuff, I want the old (depressed, submissive) you back."

15.   Abusers interfere with their victim’s work/school/sleep to keep them off-guard. Examples:

·         :: numerous texts demanding an immediate reply during a busy work day or on a commute::

·         :: threats at 3am ::

16.   Abusers forcefully involve victims in their plans and control their schedule without warning. Examples:

·         There was a period of time in which I didn't drive much do to being poor, and an abuser took advantage of that to force me into going to places to watch him buy things for an hour or more before dropping me off at home.

·         Another abuser would just start following me at conventions, into panels, vendor rooms, sit down at lunch, etc.

17.   Abusers pressure victims to make decisions that are financially and/or otherwise harmful to their victim. Example:

·         “Buy this $300 wargaming army so we can finally do fun stuff together.”

(I was spending hundreds of dollars a month I couldn't afford trying to keep up with my abuser's frequently changing interests, all of which were framed as critical to maintaining our friendship.)

18.   Abusers minimize or ridicule their victim’s problems, especially when compared to their own.

Examples:

·         "Moving my birthday party to tomorrow is just as bad as when someone misgenders you."

·         “I can’t believe you’re skipping out on hanging with me this weekend.”

(Said when I was finally confronting my hoarding problem and had been up for 24+ hours doing an aggressive cleanout.)

19.   Abusers make their victims doubt their self-worth. Example:

·         "Your blog is just whoring for attention. You're such a narcissist." (said while I was finally starting to like my body as a trans person)

20.   Abusers gaslight and misrepresent events in order to cast doubt on your memory & concerns. Example:

·         "That never happened that way. Once again, I'm always right."

21.   Abusers are unpredictable with their praise and criticism, which makes the victim further question themselves.

22.   Abusers constantly demand positive reinforcement, often publicly. Example:

·         "Tell me why you're still friends with me."

·         "Name one good thing about me."

·         “You didn’t credit that I took that photo you posted on Tumblr, don’t you care about me? Go edit your post now.”

23.   Abusers make their victim feel they are responsible for the abuser's well-being. Abusers turn their victim into a commodity. Examples:

·         "My life would fall apart without you." ·        ”I need my BFF time!”

·         "You don’t care about me. I'm going to kill myself."

(Note: I take suicide threats seriously and it’s outside the scope of this article to discuss self-harm threats as abuse tactics vs mental illness.)

24.   Abusers publicly (and often threateningly) communicate in a way that is obscure to everyone... but sends a very clear message to you. Examples:

·         "I hate birds. Especially crows." (My partner's goes by the name Crow.)

·        ::flood of memes on Facebook about “real friends” after a fight::

25.   Abusers only apologize to make themselves feel better. Example:

·         "If I apologize, will you stop being mad at me?" vs "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

26.   Abusers rationalize specific instances of abuse to deflect from overall abusive patterns. Examples:

·         "I'm just really stressed right now, you know that work is killing me."

·         :: various co-opting the language of social justice & concern-trolling ::

27.   Abusers blame their victims for their abuse. Examples:

·         "I wouldn't have screamed at you in public if you hadn't made me so angry!"

·         "I was just joking, you're too sensitive."

28.   Abusers place their relationship above all others. Examples:

·         "I can't believe you extended your (first) date instead of hanging out with me."

·         “Why did you go out to dinner with your mom instead of hanging out with me?”

29.   Abusers set unrealistic expectations of how much you should interact. Example:

·         One of mine would get demanding if we didn't text every few hours, hang out virtually several hours each evening, and in-person every weekend.

30.   Abusers state they'll do anything for their victim, but never deliver on this promise, often berating their victim for even asking for help. Example:

·         "I'd do anything for you...", followed by, "... I can't believe you asked me to help you move"

31.   Abusers often make an effort to be charming and even caring in public. This makes the victim feel like they're the only ones suffering abuse, and thus, it must be their fault.

32.   Abusers pretend to reform, but it's mainly a tactic to shut down further criticism. Example:

·         "You're right, I'm a terrible person. I promise I'll change. Can we talk about something else now?"

33.   Abusers demand their victims be complicit in their abuse by redefining the nature of friendship and pressuring their victim to not question the abuse. Examples:

·         "A real friend would never criticize me." ·         "A real friend would agree with everything I do.”

34.   Abusers spend more and more of their time with their victim discussing their failings as a friend. Example:

·         “I told [mutual friend] about what you’ve been doing and she agrees with me that you’re a horrible friend.”

35. Abusers want you to swear allegiance to them, especially very early in a relationship. Example: ·         “Let’s get matching BFF tattoos.”

36. Abusers frame conversations they haven’t been invited to as talking/plotting behind their backs. Example:

·         In response to a side chat in which my grade school friends & I talked about family updates, etc: “I can’t believe you set up your own private chat without me. Traitor.”

37. Abusers constantly define and redefine their victim’s identity. Examples: ·        ”Trans men who want [x] shouldn’t consider themselves men.” ·       ”You are the ‘best of both worlds’” (A gross allusion to my transness and a prelude to later telling me he wanted to fuck me.)

38. Abusers police their victim’s appearance, even if it is harmful. Example: ·      “I don’t want you starting hormones. I want you to stay the way you are.”

39.  Abusers use call-outs as excuses for even more abuse and blame victims for feeling victimized. Examples:

·         “When you talk about this with other people, it makes me feel bad, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

·         Abusers I’ve left instantly reacted with rage that made me feel unsafe.

40. Abusers feign concern as segues into making demands. Example: ·      “Are you OK after the hurricane? Btw, I saw your latest cosplay photos, how about we coordinate a new cosplay for me?”

Not all abusers use all of these tactics, and a behavior in and of itself does not necessarily mean someone is an abuser. It’s especially difficult to identify abuse if you and/or your abuser is disadvantaged, have a mental illness, etc. The key is to recognize a consistent pattern of abuse.

Platonic abuse has serious consequences: Stress, depression, anxiety… it can cause physical health problems, financial disaster, and destroy healthy relationships.

Even when you escape, you may spend years recovering and unlearning coping behaviors originally developed to minimize/deflect abuse. In my case, I got into the habit of lying about my plans because I didn't want to be read the riot act that I hadn't invited my abuser to something intimate, like a mother's day dinner or a date. So now, my current gut reaction when asked where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, what I’ve bought is to *lie* or shut down, and I HATE IT.

But, I'm happy that I've been learning how to identify and distance myself from toxic people. Unpacking my personal abuse is a slow, often painful process, but I hope it helps folks who have found themselves in similar relationships.

Platonic abuse is real and we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it.

[theharellan]

❅ : Advice to non-role play blogs that want to get started?

i wrote advice literally years ago that i can’t be bothered to find now, so i guess now is as good a time as ever to re-write it.

i’ll put the first bullet above the cut b/c i feel like some stuff is important for everyone to know, and some stuff is just relevant to rp blogs.

brush up on the lingo! the tumblr rp community has developed a language of its own. you’ll learn a lot through context or just asking questions (and if you don’t know what something means, don’t be afraid to ask!). i honestly think this language divide is a reason some ppl have problems with personal blogs reblogging their posts. i’m not sure everyone outside the rpc realises what personal blogs are. here are a couple of important terms:- personal blog: a non-rp blog, it doesn’t matter if you use your blog for posts about your personal life or it’s a fandom blog for graphics, it’s still a personal blog by most ppl’s standards.- muse / mun: i tend to prefer the word “mod” / “writer” to “mun” excepting the munday pun, but mun just means the person who runs the blog. muse is the character (or characters) written on a blog.- mutuals / non-mutuals: if you follow someone and they follow you back, you’re mutuals with them. otherwise, you’re a non-mutual.- private / selective / semi-selective: people who are picky about who they rp with, whether that means mutuals only, or only muses from a certain rp. these terms can be somewhat flexible, i consider myself semi-selective b/c i will rp with non-mutuals, but will turn down rps if i’m overwhelmed with replies or feel we’re incompatible as rpers.- meme: a term used to describe prompts that can take many forms, from symbols like this meme to memes where you have to add some input of your own, like a “five times __’d” meme you’d have to add whatever word you like in the blank.- banter / para / multipara / novella: again, these terms can kinda vary person to person. banter is typically about 100 words, para can be anywhere from 100 words to maybe 200. multipara i put at about 300-400. novella is just… go wild. i’ve written 2000 word replies on occasion.- tw/cw: trigger warning and content warning. these are used by tumblr a lot in general, but given rp (for an adult game series like dragon age especially) will inevitably deal with triggering or sensitive topics, i think it’s important to define.these are just a few examples, and if you’re ever confused, please ask someone. it’s better than not and annoying someone by sending an ask for a meme listed mutuals only.

make sure you get a rules / about / verses page before you start. if you’re established in a community people may rp with you without one, but if you’re new it’s important to establish yourself. here are some things i think are important to have in particular. it’s a little dragon age-rp/bioware-rp specific, but this is a dragon age blog. other things that i didn’t mention b/c it wasn’t necessarily relevant to interacting: have a name/nickname, age, and pronouns on your rules AND your character’s about page. even if it’s just “18+” or “minor” if you’re not comfortable giving your exact age.some people will refuse to write with minors for their own comfort, and having this information will limit miscommunication and misgendering.

lots of people use icons, and they’re a lot of fun to use! but you also don’t have to use them. some people may not rp with you for it, but that’s their loss. i will say it’s becoming more accepted since when i first made solas. it wasn’t so much of a thing when i first started tumblr rp, then it became a thing, then it backed off again. i personally use them when i can b/c i find they add a little extra something, but don’t have icons for every verse.

make sure your page is legible. aesthetic is nice, but people here have vision problems and super tiny font or dark font on dark backgrounds can strain people’s eyes. remember rping is mostly about writing, so if you have a page that doesn’t show off your writing, you’re doing yourself a disservice!

i’d recommend making a separate blog rather than making a sideblog, or if you do make a sideblog, then having a hub blog/main rp blog you follow from. often i don’t look at personal blogs that follow me at all (i have a hard time keep track of new followers in general), so if ppl have a personal they follow from and an rp sideblog i may miss this entirely.

make sure you turn on your asks and anonymous questions if you’re comfortable with them. i forget this sometimes still lmao.

know that it’s ok to make mistakes! i’ve had ppl tell me they’d love to get into darp but don’t know dragon age lore all that well. there’s nothing wrong with that. i have learned so much about the lore since making solas, and there’s still stuff i don’t know! if you feel unsure still, i’d suggest figuring out what your character would/wouldn’t know about and familiarising yourself with that via the dragon age wiki for example if you’re making a dwarven oc (please, i need so many more in my life) who is from orzammar but is now a surface dwarf, i’d recommend reading the pages about orzammar and surface dwarves, and from there you can find related pages. your character will never know everything about the universe, so it’s ok if you don’t, either. i play one of the more knowledgeable characters in the series, and even he doesn’t know everything.

don’t godmod / metagame / forceship etc. this probably could’ve been up with the definitions, but i felt was important enough to warrant its own section.- godmodding is when you force the other writer’s character to do something. like, in a fight, you say one character kicked another character in the face. you’re not the one who decides that, they are, all you can say is your character tried to kick them in the fact. conversely, making your character dodge every move would also be a jerk move. i’d recommend fight scenes be discussed ooc tbh. mild godmodding is sometimes accepted. say our characters are drinking and yours hands mine a drink, most people will accept you writing that my character takes the drink. there would be a line, however. like if you then stated my character loves the drink and has never had anything like it, that’d be godmodding. mild godmodding often helps move threads along, though if you’re unsure about something, feel free to ask! most people will appreciate it.- metagaming is when your character has knowledge they couldn’t or shouldn’t. i have in my rules that you can’t know solas’s true identity w/o asking me first and establishing it ooc before you do so ic. in canon solas is careful with what he reveals about himself, and the only person who really suspects him for any length of time is vivienne.- forceshipping is when you force a relationship onto another character. typically this refers to romantic shipping, but i think it can apply to any relationship. for example, if an inquisitor lavellan were to call my solas “vhenan” it would be forceshipping, as i am singleship. but also, if someone were to project a friendly or even negative relationship onto my a character, it’s also a form of forceshipping imo. remember you can only control how your character feels about someone, and not the other way around. in your head blackwall may be the dad your character has never had, and your character can treat him so, but don’t expect a blackwall rper to fill that role if they don’t want to!

there’s a lot more, but in the interest of doing other things with my day i’ll end it here. if people have questions i’m happy to answer them, either through Tumblr IM or asks.

[jaxsilver]

Gender, Drag, Dysphoria and Contentment?

hurhur i wrote a song called contentment once, it was fucking terrible. So here’s the deal. Gender doesn’t exist. This is all purely based on my own beliefs, experiences and being in my own head, so consider that before you rip my fucking ass into shreds for anything you’re about to read. I don’t believe gender exists, atleast not in the way we know it. There is no boy, girl, fluid, non binary etc. It’s all just a label, a category someone came up with. But how the fuck are you supposed to feel when none of that really fits? For absolutely years I tried to figure out what gender label I felt most comfortable with, in recent times i settled for non binary as it was the biggest grey umbrella I could hide under. UNTIL… (que dramatic dundundun) one night, when i smoked some really dank weed, i realised something that would blow my goddamn mind. GENDER DOESN’T EXIST. but then what does? AHA, this is where the stoner mind kicks. What does exist is femininity, masculinity and androgyny, everyone is just a different mix of those. Keep the whole gender thing in mind, we’ll get back to it in a jiffy. Pronouns however are a completely different story, they are only something to refer to people as just as if it was their name except not because its kinda creepy to just repeat someones name 10 times a sentence yknow? A persons pronouns should still be fucking respected and if anyone ever misgenders you on purpose just burst into tears and make them feel like they’ve murdered your first born. Personally i still choose to go by they/them and he/him because thats what makes me feel comfortable in my own body, some people might not get that because yeah i was born into a ‘female’ body but if you don’t get it sucks to be you, respect a persons identity and pronoun choice or bin yaself you useless paperclip. Now drag. Like every other bitch under the age of 30 who’s taken a pritt stick to their eyebrows, (or in desperate day before payday broke ass times, hair wax) (don’t do it) (it doesn’t dry) I’ve watched an episode or two (or like 9 seasons worth) of Rupauls drag race. When i first fell in love with drag i was 13 and still functioning as “girl”. The people i was friends with saw drag as a man dressing up as a woman which like no you’re wrong. Drag to me is art, makeup is your medium and your face is your canvas. Yeah drag is about looking feminine but who says you can only do drag if you’ve gotta duct tape a dick to your ass?! Recently i’ve decided to start doing drag and being a drag queen, something i was told i couldn’t do at 13 because i was “already a girl”. WELL WHOOP DE FUCKING DO WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT HERE I AM DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY AND THERE YOU ARE POSTING OUTDATED DONALD TRUMP MEMES. I’m still a tad salty about it so moving on. Shoutout to Adore Delano and Sharon Needles who were the first queens i ever saw make the dirty punk, grunge, emo look fucking incredible and beautiful. (also all my mates that badgered me to start drag, u da best). Remember how i told you to hold on to that gender concept? time to bring it back. As i said earlier, it took years for me to find a way to be comfortable with the idea of gender. If nothing you’ve read so far makes you understand that drag shouldn’t be limited to one type of person consider this. Until drag the sheer idea of femininity made me fucking cringe and crave death. no like seriously, you ever look in the mirror and realise you can’t wear your favourite expensive as fuck jeans anymore because they give you a waist which gives you a feminine shape and you just can’t be fucking arsed to hear ‘she’ all day anymore? it kinda sucks. drag is my outlet. it allows me to be feminine but on my own terms. i call my drag persona my hotter and more talented little sister. i’ve always loved the frances bean cobain grunge look with the long hair and makeup but to look like that as myself was just really fucking uncomfortable. but drag? no, not in drag. Lux Vicious is a character i created and use my self to portray and goddamn she’s fucking cool. don’t get me wrong, it didn’t suddenly stop body dysphoria, it was only an hour ago i was standing in front of the mirror being sad about the lack of bone structure in my face and not having a flat chest but that’ll never stop. but i can wear those jeans now and not feel as shitty about myself, because i still know that the things that aren’t out of my control (like my body shape) are all masculine and androgynous bc thats who i am. the tiny percentage of femininity i harbour comes out only during drag, but it finally has its own outlet and i feel a touch more comfortable in myself. there was probably a lot more i wanted to say but i thought of the majority of it in the shower and by the time id rinsed off id forgotten like 87% of it so keep your peepers peeled for a two point oh. the moral of this story is if it fucking makes you happy and feel good about yourself fuck everyone who negates it and doesn’t agree with it. its your fucking life and as long as you’re not killing people or sprinkling cancer into the water pipes, you’re golden.

p.s. this is not my usual style of writing due to me being high as a fucking kite on allergy medication because hay fever and i aren’t on the same page at the moment.