#i love her soooo much. and team 7 is messy yes but i love their messy dynamic too!

[fightaers]

sometimes i think abt how sakura's become so widely-spread and misinformed in that mass-production that she's almost become this caricature of the third female member in a trio who is a 'girl-boss who is so cool and is so sexy or so confident etc' when, in fact, she's actually a character with believable flaws and unique characteristic pertaining specifically to the experiences she's endured, and she's beyond someone everyone mass-ships or mass-hates, and in this essay i will—

[fandomtookoverlife]

Late

Hotch x reader 

Fem!reader 

Summary: you go out to brunch with the girls but your late, (as always) and they have a peak at your sex life before you leave.  

Note: italics are readers thoughts 

Warning: talk of sex, swearing

Words: 1.8k

Category: fluff  

A/N: ok this took me way too long to write but that's ok because I like the way it turned out and I hope you do too. Also this totally isn’t based off of the dumb bitch I am and how I act when I’m late. 😂😂

also again with me not being able to come up with a name worth a shit 

Interact with me if you like, anything you want,😘😘, not sure what I’ll write next we’ll see. Also not me getting this out instead of doing hw, not me, wrong bitch. 

Other blog: @mac99martin

Masterlist

---

Shitshitshitshit I’m so fucking late UGH SHIT! You are so late. You’re running around your bedroom trying to get ready. You were going for brunch with the girls; Penelope’s idea, which was fine except that you were getting picked up at 11, you woke up at 10:40. For the last 10 minutes, you have been rushing around your room trying to get ready, preying that the girls would be running late as well. You’re dressed, which is good, you threw on a bit of makeup in an effort to look the least bit presentable and now you were desperately trying to manage the mess that is your hair. You had… fun last night. Aaron had come over and well like you said you had fun. Jack was at a sleepover so Aaron came to your apartment, you stayed up half the night, relishing in the time you’ve missed together in the past week. It came to an end when Aaron received a call saying that he needed to pick up Jack. At that point you decided you should get some sleep seeing as you had to get up in the morning, unfortunately for you, your own personal alarm clock left last night and you forgot to set an alarm, yep, you’re late. You’ve been checking the clock every two minutes, you were probably wasting time checking the time and now you're wasting time thinking about how you're wasting time, UGHH, but you were frazzled and freaking out so you can’t be relied upon for anything right now. 

10:53 

All you have to do in the next 7 minutes is clean up the rat’s nest that is left of your hair after last night’s activities, find shoes, find your wallet, purse, find wherever the hell you put your phone down and pray that you look presentable.

Unfortunately, there’s one flaw that always manages to escape you, most people don’t show up at the exact minute agreed upon.  

It was now 10:56 your hair was mostly put together,  4 minutes ok I can do that. As if you weren’t already having the worst morning, it gets worse. Ya, that phone you can’t find, It has been blowing up with messages for the last few minutes. 

-

“She’s not answering.” JJ had had none been calling you from the parking lot for a couple of minutes with no answer. Em and Pen had been checking in for the last 15 with no answer and continued to send unseen texts to you. 

Em finally snapped, “alright, I’m going up.” not giving the other ladies time to respond she opened that car door and got out. 

Pen rushed out after her, “Wait I wanna come!” 

JJ watched the two women walk toward the entrance to your complex, looking at the empty car around her, got up as well, “ok I’m coming too.”

-

Emily, completely giving up on you, took out her keys and opened your door, JJ, ever the reasonable one, had protested, saying that they should knock. She got a nasty glare as Em pushed your door open.

-

As you said before, Aaron left in a rush last night, and you had been running around your room all morning, actually, you haven’t left your room all morning, making you completely unaware of the state of your apartment. 

-

The women stood in your doorway in shock. You and Aaron didn’t just have fun in the bedroom last night, you had fun everywhere, the kitchen, the floor, the table, your desk, the couch, you name it you were there. In conclusion? Your apartment was a mess, for starters there were clothes everywhere, your shirt, Aaron’s jacket, your bra, Aaron’s tie, your pants and last but definitely not least your-ripped-panties right in the open directly in the eye line of the women at the door. And you were completely unaware. 

The stunned women stepped in closing the door behind them, the world did not need to see this. They took in the sight, the clothing, the underwear that pen had pointed out, making sure to specify their ripped state. The next thing they noticed was your desk, what was usually a very precise desk was, quite the spectacle. Papers and folders scattered, pencil cups on their sides, pens just everywhere, photos knocked over. The tables and couch were pushed out slightly into the middle of the room, it was very clear what had happened here last night. The ladies looked at each other, their faces blank unsure how to react. A part of them was horrified, the other part really wanted to laugh. That was until they heard a noise coming from behind your door. They all became alarmed, “wait you don’t think Hotch is still in there do you?!” with your normal, horrible timing, that’s when you decided to open your door 

Everyone looked stunned. You tried to start asking how they got into your apartment but you were by a frantic Emily, “Is hotch still here?” 

“What? No, how did u…” the women looked relieved at your answer, when you started to ask how they knew he was here last night they gestured around the room. And that’s when you remembered the state in which you and Aaron left your apartment last night, “ohhh shit” 

Emily started “Ya oh shit, look at this place” 

“You guys had fun last night” JJ, always so passive-aggressive. When Pen went to pick up your panties, you sprang into action.

“Alright I’ll be out in a minute you guy can wait in the car” you practically slammed the door behind them, you look back at the mess that in your apartment, “shit” 

-

You get your shit and get out of your apartment as fast as you can, JJ, Pen and Em are in the car waiting as ordered to but when you get in they are all smiling, “soooo, if you guys could just forget what you saw in there…” 

“Absolutely not! That image will be engraved in my mind for the rest of my life!” 

“JJ, come on”

“Don’t give me that did you see that place, good god Y/N what did you do in there!” 

“Ummm…” 

Before you could even think of an answer Pen jumped in with, “did you see all her clothes on the ground?”

“Did you see Hotch’s clothes still on the ground?”

“Did you see her desk?!” 

“Alright, that’s enough” doing your best to put your foot down while also hiding how absolutely mortified you are. 

“I think you’ve had enough.”

“No wonder she was late.”

-

Despite your protests, it went on and on,

“Do you think she has hickey?”

“Hmm, not that I can see” at this point they weren’t listening to you anyway, so you just sat there, trying very hard not to listen, at some point you had started to think about last night. It was so perfect, not only the incredible sex but just being with him, allowing your selves to let loose, show each other affection, which you don’t do around the team. And then there was the literal mind-blowing sex, his hand all over you, his mouth across your body leaving the hickeys that you actually had but skillfully covered. The many orgasms you had that your legs hurt now, your slightly sore throat… 

“Do you think that HE has hickeys?” 

“Should we find out?” 

That was it “NO”

“Well that woke her up, you were kind of out of it there for a second.”

“Ya something up,? Maybe something on your mind, thinking about something, dreaming about it, imagining it, reliving it?” Emily was nudging your shoulder and your face was turning bright red, “oh my god she was!” 

-

Once you had actually started eating they let the conversation move on. It was one of the best times you’ve had in a while, you laughed and joked, you really don’t remember the last time you all smiled so much. It was nice to be with them so relaxed and happy, you almost forgot what it was like. 

When your phone rang you knew their fun from earlier wasn’t over, they all turn to you, smirks growing on their faces, “hey”

“hey Y/N, I’m sorry about last night,”

“Don’t worry about it, really”

“Jack doing fine now but- it was messy” he said with a tired chuckle 

“No no, I get it.” 

“Hey hotch” Emily had pulled you phone slightly away from your ear and spoke into it “quite a number you did on her apartment last night” you snatched your arm back from her and shot her a glare 

“You're still at lunch…”

“Yes. I am.” with a laugh that was more of a sigh,

“Sorry I totally forgot, Jack just wanted to talk to you, but he can wait-”

“No no, I want to talk to him,” you blushed and everyone smiled, you said you were stepping outside and would be back, they didn’t catch much of your conversation as you walked away, but what they did catch, was way too fucking sweet. 

“Wow, they are just-”

“She looks so happy” watching you talk through the window

“Her? Have you seen him?” they thought about the changes in the two of you recently, you both were smiling so much more, you seemed so energetic, he seemed softer. Both so much more selves, a weight coming off both your shoulders, you brought the light out in each other and just being in the same room as you lift the spirits of the team. Watching their fierce leader's stoic exterior melt away and your calm and loving nature amplified out of proportion.

-

You came back to the table still smiling while they all looked at you, “don’t start-”

JJ cut you off, grabbed your hand and looked in your eyes, “hey,” squeezing your hand, “we are so happy that you're happy.” you blushed and smiled at JJ’s soft, kind words, her motherly exterior and your friends smiling faces showing the sentiment. 

-

After a lovely lunch, filled with smiles, laughter and best friends you pulled up to your apartment JJ had a grin on her face, “so, you want help cleaning up?” the ladies trying very hard not to start laughing.

You clear your throat composing yourself and your face heats up, again, “um no I’m good thanks” getting out of the car as fast as you could.

“Are you sure?” they call after you. 

“I’m sure!” running to your door while the ladies kill themselves in the car. 

They may be annoying but who would you be to complain about your life right now, how could you, you have everything you could ever want. 

---

Tags: 

@spencers-renaissance @averyhotchner

(lmk if you want to be tagged) 

[sparkles-and-trash]

My fav 3 versions/interpretations of South Park characters thing!

I’m so sorry this took much longer than anticipated, I was gonna do it Friday but then I had a panic attack for the first time in forever because my CFS have been real bad lately and I was in such bad shape my BFF had to come and smack me back to life, and Sunday was suddenly full on breakdown day, a bad BPD episode and yeah, it was rough, but today I’m doing better and I realize nobody really cares about my personal issues lol but I just have a need to excuse myself here and I realize that’s kinda dumb but here we are ANYWAYS I hope these are okay, and that these are in no way the RIGHT interpretations, just my personal favorites! 

Kyle:

suggested by the wonderful  @otherluces <3

#1 

I’m not gonna lie, I love nerdy, preppy Kyle. Sweater-vests, collard shirts, doesn’t realize how attractive he is Kyle, oblivious to people having crushes on him Kyle, set on Harvard to become a lawyer and fight for justice and argue for a living, yanno? 

#2 

I also really like the more dorky and nerdy Kyle, where he has really niché interests that he gets totally invested in and talks about 24/7, loves reading and studying, but not just to get good results, but because he genuinly enjoys it.

#3

The last version I can think of with him, is the tall, lanky and kinda hard to read Kyle. He keeps a lot of his feelings to himself, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. He plays basketball, he’s good at it too, and while he does well in school and everyone expects him to go into law, he has some totally different dream he keeps to himself for now. He kinda perks up a bit when in smaller crowds, esp with his cloest friends, but he still carries a lot of secrets that some time needs to come out.

Tweek:

suggested by my new fren  @soft-craig-and-tweek ^^

I like Tweek in so many ways these were hard to pick, but I’mma try to narrow it down a bit and not go totally off haha

#1

I actually quite enjoy the jagged, tired Tweek, the one who with help from friends and family manage to get off the meth his parents feed him secretly, but who still struggle with withdrawal, dark bags under his eyes, kinda pale and with sharp features, but he’s still a sweet and kind boy, a boy who wants to make the right choices and change the world to a better place, but who still has a darkness he carries, and the fact that he never gives up that fight is what makes him so special 

#2

and okay I have to be honest, I do love myself some sunshine boy Tweek. This Tweek still has issues, he is maybe even more anxious than the last one, but he’s also just as vibrant and energetic as he is anxious! He is an artist, he paints with bright colors, he composes beautiful, hopeful melodies, he feels everything so much,  and he is a contagious and exciting person to be around. Cannot dress for the life of him. So much mis-match and odd outfits, but it kinda works? 

#3

The last one I’m gonna mention for this wonderful boy, is the more alternative Tweek. He writes obscure poetry, he watches too many conspiracy theory videos on youtube, he draws the monsters in his mind, and he writes the scariest, most hauntingly beautiful stories on the internet, and people online love him. He has no idea how to deal with being popular in that sense, because irl he is the type to not belong to a certain friend group, but he does go along well with most people on a surface level. Dark circles, shaky hands, crooked and cute smiles, baggy t-shirts and ripped jeans. When he first opens up to someone, he really, really does, and he will always support and be there for you. If you deserve it, that is. 

Nichole: 

also suggested by  @soft-craig-and-tweek <3 

#1

I love nerdy Nichole who isn’t afraid to show it! Maybe she’s a streamer or youtube gamer even, I can def see her writing fanfiction, and being hella good at it too! Makes quite a name for herself online, and hangs out with the boys a lot irl, has game nights with the boys from Board Girls (even Cartman sometimes), is funny in a sarcastic way, but never mean. 

#2

Popular girl Nichole is also a favorite for me, but not in the “classical” sense. I imagine her to be a sporty, maybe on both the basket and volleyball team, captain for the basket one, she’s a born leader, she’s kind and fair, but can also be strict, and people always trust her to be honest and true.  

#3

Artsy Nichole!! I imagine her in bright yellow dresses and with her hair flowing and free, with flowers in her hair, freckles on her face, a big, genuine smile, a loud laughter that is so contagious, she loves spending time with Jimmy because they have a very similar humor, and she’s a theater kid, she sings like an angel and can act, oh boy can she act, she can make anyone laugh or cry in just a blink of an eye, she’s just a human sun-ray and I love her a lot 

Butters: 

suggested by @kinguidamundo, thank you so much!! 

#1

I love edgy Butters soooo much??? Like, he’s still a kind and bright boy, but he can also stand up for himself a lot more, he likes fashion a lot, he gets tattoos and piercings, he explores tons of ways to express himself, he’s a yes-dude, he goes out on dates a lot, but isn’t ready for a “real” relationship yet, but he enjoys meeting people and testing out himself around different types of people! Also he is a bi icon change my mind jk u can’t 

#2

I have a weak spot for the kind of soft and timid looking Butters too, who wears pastel colors and have big, innocent eyes, he is genuine and kind, but he carries something darker inside, something he isn’t sure how to deal with, something that scares him, but in reality it’s just normal feelings, anger, resentment and fear, but he’s lived his life ignoring them so much they catch him off guard at times. He learns to live with them slowly, and he does so with lots of help and patience from friends and loved ones. 

#3

Okay, last one, totally self-indulging here, but yeah, happy sunflower boy is also a big favorite. He is more confident than the previous version, but in a gullible way if that makes any sense? He believes the best in people, and if he is proven wrong, he’s willing to try to help them become better people, if they want to or not! This is honestly the version I love most with Stan, Butters being the ray of sunshine in Stan’s life and Stan being the realism to keep Butters grounded and them both supporting each other so much? Fuck yeah that’s the good stuff. 

Clyde:

suggested by @horrorpumpkin, ty sm friend! <3 

#1

Himbo Clyde!!! Jock dude who genuinely loves sports, he’s a team player, and while he might not be super intellectual, he is very socially smart, he is kind and empathic, he is funny and likable, he always tries his best to make everyone feel included, and while he loves chicks a lot, and is a sexual dude, he does it with nothing but respect and admiration for the ladies! 

#2

Bisexual disaster Clydeeee <3 obv being bi isn’t a personality trait, but he is very open about it, he wants to be confident and good at flirting, but goddamn is he a MESS! He’s also a huge supporter of every single relationship his friends is in, he loves love, in all shapes and forms, he is emotional and kind and awkward in an endearing way. 

#3

Can’t leave out crybaby Clyde, can we now? He’s a bit of an awkward bean as well, but he owns it a bit more. He is kinda like a puppy, a cute, excitable and emotional puppy who loves his friends, video games and lazy movie nights, kinda chubby, he loves baking and does it a lot with Tweek, he is also a huge nerd for Harry Potter and totally geek out over it with Kyle and Nichole sdhlksgdhl

Kenny: 

suggested by anon! 

#1

First up I guess I should put my high school AU Kenny. I know it’s controversial, but I imagine this Kenny to be more on the quiet side, but not really in a shy way. He’s just a bit of an observer who doesn’t speak unless he really sees fit, and while he still has his crude humor and is kinda rumored to be sleeping around a lot, he actually struggle with intimacy issues. He never imagined them to include sexual stuff, but turns out they do, and balancing being sexually open and curious and having these issues ain’t easy on the boy, let me tell you that. 

#2

This one is kinda heavily inspired by Luces, but I love him as kind and loyal, but also a bit more chatty and charming, but not for his own gain. He wants others to feel good about themselves, in social settings, his friends, during sexy times, he is selfless and good, but he is also living for the moment, he is a likable and wonderful guy, but he does still only REALLY open up emotionally to people he really trusts. Not traditionally attractive, but interesting looking in a way. Lots of freckles, bit of buck teeth with a big gap between his front teeth, messy kinda curly hair, long straight nose. Always wears baggy hoodies and worn out jeans, shrugs and gives that lopsided smile when people ask him about anything personal.

#3

Mysterious Kennyyyy. You think you know him, everyone does, but in reality, very few have seen the real him. He likes people, and he likes to help them, he’s always down to listen to people’s problems and help them, he wants to inspire kids like himself to never give up and think there’s only one path for them, because he knows there is not. Volunteers at the animal shelter with Stan, works part time at Tweek Bro’s and is good buddies with Tweek. Had a early sexual debut, slept around a bit and got his heart broken unexpectedly when he was a Freshman, so there are some walls there now, but he ain’t usually one to turn down someone who’s up for it and whom with he has good chemistry either. 

[asroarke]

The 100 Ask

Tagged by @sly2o who I love so dearly and deserves all the lovely gift baskets in the world for being a delightful human

rules: answer as many as you want if tagged and then tag three more people OR just reblog it and treat it as a regular ask meme!! have fun xoxo

1. What would you get arrested for on the Ark? Pretty sure I would jokingly kick or throw something to dramatically show that I was angry with someone (because that’s the kind of diva I am) and actually break something important in the process, potentially one of the basic things that the rest of the Ark needs to survive.

2. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground? I’d probably resist as long as it was convenient but as soon as they started saying I had to take off my wrist band to get food, I’d give in.

3. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..) the corpse of Finn Collins Pauna

4. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be? SHAWN MENDES

5. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they? Okay, well Bellamy can’t go or else I’ll be distracted. In that same logic, Clarke can’t go either. My bisexual heart flutters at the sight of both of them. Raven would drive the rover. Jasper would DJ. Monty would explain smart things to me and I would just awkwardly nod. I’m gonna throw Miller in there so I can try to set them up for fucks sake. And Murphy will have to be there, for commentary purposes.

6. Minty or Briller? Minty. But really, I’m totally here for the Miller x Jackson train.

7. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!): Aleks?

8. Thoughts on Finn? Just casually annoyed about the fact that homie didn’t even have to try to get two of the most fascinating, smart, and beautiful women in the 100 universe. Like how fair is that? I try really hard and just last week I blew it by stuttering when a girl said something nice to me and then told her I needed to go see what the weather was like and then hid in the bathroom for five minutes as I gave myself a pep talk. I want like 10% of the confidence Finn Collins had for literally no reason.

9. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does? It would have been soooo easy to get me to take the chip. Someone would just have to say my mental health problems would leave me alone and I would give the fuck in.

10. What character do you relate to most & What character do you like the least not including the obvious ones like Pike, etc… I relate the most to Clarke in the way that she isolates herself, her bisexuality, her communication patterns... I relate with Raven because I’m quite familiar with chronic pain. The character I like the least is Thelonious Jaha. I find him to be quite preachy and arrogant, but don’t really see why he gets to be that way considering how many bad decisions he has made.

11. Describe your delinquent outfit: Okay, I want Jasper’s earth day t-shirt, Raven’s red jacket or Clarke’s blue jacket, steal a beanie from Miller, some tight pants that don’t look practical but magically never hinder my ability to run through the forest for plot reasons, AND THEM COMBAT BOOTS.

12. Favorite type of mutant animal? does Cage Wallace count Pauna

13. What would your job be on the Ark? A really terrible mechanic that Raven roasts constantly but secretly likes because I start my day by telling her she’s a genius and she replies with “I know”

14. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked it? There is no way in hell I would have been in that room when that decision took place because I would literally still be chipped and no one would bother to take the time to fix me like they did with Raven and Abby because I am a soft lazy soul not made for this survival world, but if I was there and it had to be done, probably (and I’d have a panic attack while doing it)

15. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, then who would make the best commander? Indra (season 4 Indra, not early Indra)

16. If you were a grounder, then where would you live and who would be your mentor? Oh God there are no good options here in my opinion. I’m gonna say Azgeda just so Roan could be my mentor (I love him) but like I’m not crazy about Azgeda for all the crazy plot reasons.

17. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty? You would find me having very intense, intellectual debates with... absolutely no one. I’m talking to someone I hallucinated, likely an ex boyfriend from years ago who still deserves to be put in his place.

18. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? I mean, I don’t think there was a right way to deal with it. Rehabilitation, maybe if they lived in a world without insane war and had actual guidance from actual adults (who weren’t raised on the Ark and ingrained with the death penalty for all crimes mentality)

19. Who should be the Chancellor, if anyone? Who should be? Probably Bellamy, but I don’t want him to be because I don’t think it would be good for him. I’m actually gonna go with Monty because I think he would take counsel from Bellamy and Clarke, keep a level head, and be able to separate personal feelings from what has to be done... but not to the level that Clarke would. I think he would be a nice in between.

20. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod)What is the one thing you would snatch while there? There’s not a lot that I can think of that I would want for my own personal entertainment, but like maybe a water filtration system? Feel like that would come in clutch.

21. Do you think you’d have caught the virus spread through camp or would you have been immune like Octavia? I am the kind of person who goes to a doctor for one illness and catches another one while I’m in the waiting room. I WILL BE PATIENT ZERO, NO DOUBT.

22. What would your grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint? Norse symbol for where there’s a will there’s a way kind of look for my tattooes, want that Octavia ponytail (because fuck that was a good look), and no war paint. My face looks like it melted at the end of the day with my makeup, there’s no telling how messy and tragic my war paint will look after a war. If I’m gonna be a grounder, I’m gonna look damn good doing it.

23. Favorite quote? Whatever the hell we want

24. Can you forgive Murphy for his actions? How about Bellamy? Yes and yes.

25. If one of the characters was in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? I know Octavia is probably the right choice (but she did not win on her own, and I highly doubt she would get as lucky in the real hunger games) so I’m going to say Raven because she’ll be like those tech nerds who made the arena go boom. I think people would team up with her, not really thinking of her as a threat so they could kill her later on, and then she makes everything go boom and wins the damn thing.

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite ship? NOT INCLUDING CLEXA OR BELLARKE. Uh Octavia and Illian for least favorite? Like I don’t really think about ships that I do not ship, but their little storyline really freaked me out. Favorite, princess mechanic, forever and always.

27. A song that should be included in the next season, like when Radioactive was? Ummm, obviously it is an accoustic cover of Radioactive done by Shawn Mendes as he emerges from the bunker with everyone else (the accoustic cover he spent the last six years working on, by the way)

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time? Omg we would have the snarkiest time as we try to out-asshole each other. We’d be quick buds.

29.Opinion on Emori? Roan? Emori is chill. ROAN IS MY SON AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND I’M SO LIVID THAT HE DIED BY BEING DROWNED IN A DAMN WELL?? THAT’S THE MOST OOC NONSENSE I’VE EVER SEEN! IT’S PRINCE ROAN KOM AZGEDA GRANDSON OF THEO SON OF NIA CARETAKER OF THE THRONE AND KEEPER OF THE FLAME FOR CHRISTS SAKE

30. Would you want to be an extra that is killed off in a brutal way? No, I want to be an extra that keeps randomly doing unimportant tasks in the background and when you look me up on IMBD you get a “random teenager who once was seen having a conversation with David Miller” next to my name.

31. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of? Uh, Roan. Like why was he banished? What’s going on with him and his mother? What kind of history does he have with Echo? Where was he during the first two seasons of the show? HAS HE EVER GOTTEN LAID BECAUSE THE FACT THAT HE DIDN’T GET WITH ANYONE AFTER GIVING SEX EYES TO LITERALLY EVERYONE MAKES NO DAMN SENSE JROTH?

32. A character you’d bang? Roan. Y’all know I’m Roan trash.

Tagging: @isla1975 @bellamyblakesfreckles @bellamyblake-kru (ignore if you’ve already been tagged. I’m too tired to check.)

[purple-possibilities]

Sibi oneechan I'm so sad )))': i had a dream I was married to Kakashi last night but he was mean, abusive, controlling and manipulative. And in my dream all my friends and family turned against me and were hurting me too. Tbh I woke up kind of scared of him and of relationships in general. I know you're busy but I could use something positive, esp about Kakashi ))): sorry

I’m so sorry that youhad such an alarming dream!  And for it tofeature being married to Kakashi to boot… that’s like pouring salt in thewound.  You got gypped!

So, to fix that, letme tell you what being married to Kakashi is actually like.  We can wipe the slate, so to speak, and giveyou something good to (day)dream about. I hope this cheers you up (it’s over 5.3k so buckle up, kiddo)

To start, let’s talk about Kakashi and marriage ingeneral.  Kakashi is definitely the typeof guy who never thought he was going to get married.  When he was a kid he didn’t care about datingor romance at all.  Girls were dumb.  Boys were dumb.  Kids were dumb.  Everyone but Kakashi (and his papa) weredumb.   So he didn’t think about it.

Then he got his team (which reinforced the idea thateveryone was dumb, but Minato got added to the exception list) which was just abad experience for Kakashi.  His fatherkilled himself soon after, and then one by one his teammates died/were killed,all in very traumatic fashions.  Whichled to Kakashi isolating himself even more. Any thoughts Kakashi might have had about getting married (with Minatoand Kushina being married and her being pregnant, I feel like he might havegiven it a very brief, passing thought before dismissing it as trivial,especially if the adults around him we’re being adults and saying things like “that’s going to be you one day,” or “I can’t wait to see you when you fall inlove,” and other annoying things people older than you often say about thishypothetical ‘one day’ you) are completely gone at this point.

Then Kakashi goes through his ANBU phase, he gets Team 7, andthere’s just no time to think about dating or settling down.  Kakashi is still very reclusive before Team7, and it takes a bit after he does get his students for him to open up atall.  So Kakashi definitely isn’t lookingor thinking about love.  I can’t imagineKakashi dating at all in this period of time, not casually at least.  It would have to be in a very specificcircumstance.  Like, someone he alreadytrusts who has been in his life for a while, and then some situational things,and some movie magic.

To make things worse, whatever healing that happened afterbecoming a sensei was washed away with the whole Sasuke defection drama Ialmost wrote defecation, that would have been an entirely differentseries.  Kakashi has his feelings offailure compounded, his guilt is magnified, he feels like an even biggerfailure, and the rest of his students are gone, too.  So he regresses a bit.  That means there’s still not time to think about dating,except for maybe depressing thoughts when he sees people together, like“they’re so happy, no one would want to be with me like that, I’d just ruintheir life anyways.”

I do think that Kakashi begins to crave that sort ofintimacy after a while.  He might be abit envious of Asuma and Kurenai’s relationship, not because he’s in love witheither Asuma or Kurenai, but because they have each other, and Kakashi feelslike he has no one.  But again, his lifeis in shambles and Kakashi is not about to bring someone else into it, so nodating.  (I can also see him trying toconvince himself that he doesn’t want it either.  Like ‘oh, I don’t need that, it’s not for me’etc, but his love for Icha Icha tells me otherwise—boy wants connections, he’sjust too scared and stunted to make them of his own volition).

When the Fourth War is over, this is when Kakashi has timeto heal.  His precious people survived(the people he loooooves, it’s so nice to think that Kakashi has people heloves, he deserves it—we all do), and he has some sort of closure with his Obitoguilt.  He’ll have to work out his guiltfor “causing” the Fourth War in the first place (not that I think it’s hisfault, but Kakashi probably does), but he’s in a good place.  Konoha is in a good place, the ShinobiNations as a whole are in a good place, it’s just a good time for healing.  

I can see Kakashi entertaining the idea of dating at thispoint in his life, maybe after a few years. He might see his students and the other sensei’s kids starting to pairoff and date, and maybe Kakashi begins to think about settling downhimself.  Although, he’s gonna have tocatch feelings first before he makes a move.

It probably takes Kakashi a while to even realise that hehas a crush (“What is the strange feeling in my chest whenever they walkby?  Maybe I’m hungry.  When was the last time I ate?”) because Idon’t think he’s ever had one before. He’ll probably think of it as admiration at first, since he’ll confuseit with the way he felt for Minato and his dad somewhat (platonically people,jeeze).  Like, he wants to be around thisperson, he wants to impress them, he likes it when they pay attention to him,he gets nervous when they’re around, he somehow manages to make a fool ofhimself every time he hears their name, etc.  

Once he connects the dots, however (and it was 100% IchaIcha that clued him off, thanks Jiraiya, RIP), Kakashi has like, amini-breakdown.  He still doesn’t thinkthat he’s worthy, he still thinks no one would want to be with him, he stillthinks that he’s no good.  Gai probably findsout and has to convince Kakashi to take a chance.  It likely involves making it a Challenge™ ofsome sort.

Kakashi does what he always does; he strategizes.  Kakashi is a man of strategy, so he’s goingto make a plan on how to woo you.

Unfortunately for Kakashi, his experience with romance anddating at all is zilch.  Twice asunfortunately, with Asuma gone (RIP Asuma you went too soon), he only has Icha Icha as a guide.  Kakashi might also nab a book he has seen Saiwalking around with (Romance and Relationships: A Beginner’s Guide to Dating.  I do not recommend it).

So Kakashi makes his plan. It’s very well thought out, has multiple phases, and contingencies, andsoooo many layers you don’t even know.  Despitehow convoluted it is, it can be separated into two fairly simple phases—it’show he executes each phases where things get messy.  I’ll briefly explain it.

Phase 1 is figure out if you like him.  This involves like, Elle Woods-esque (fromLegally Blonde) tips and tricks.  Like,bending over in front of you and seeing if you stare at his ass.  He probably starts talking to you more,trying to be super casual.  He suddenlybumps into you all the time.  Whereveryou go, Kakashi is somehow there too.  Ifyou try and talk to him though, he gets all aloof and distant, because hedoesn’t want you to know that he likes you yet. It’s very confusing.  He justcomes across as Odd.

Eventually he clues in that you like him (although someoneelse probably figures it out and tells him). So he moves on to Phase 2: Ask You Out.

Kakashi asking people out is always hilarious whenever Iimagine it.  I can see it happening intwo (equally hilarious) ways.  Although the first is the most likely, I have to add the second.  You’ll see why soon lol.

In the first, he is so laid back and aloof that he probablystrikes out multiple times because you just don’t understand that he’s askingyou something at all, let alone asking you one a date.  Like, I’m pretty sure the first few attempts,you think he’s talking to someone else and just walk on by like nothinghappened.  Like, he’ll say vague thingssuch as, “It’s a nice day for a walk,” or “Yakiniku Q has the best BBQ” or “I’llbe at Ichiraku later.”  And you’re justlike “???” or “That’s nice,” or just keep on walking because you didn’t evennotice he was there.  Boy is too stealthy sometimes; it’s really notworking out for him.

So he realises that he needs to be more direct.  Kakashi, however, gets stuck in the ‘oh Ithought you were asking as a friend’ type thing.  He might think you two are on a date, untilyou ask something like ‘where’s everyone else?’ and then he realises that hewas not direct enough.  He was probablysuper late, too.  You may have even left,thinking you were in the wrong spot (or you were just tired of waiting, let’sbe honest).  

So he’ll ask again, this time saying that he’s picking youup from your house, since that’s a date-thing to do, and also that way youdon’t leave when he’s late.  Because heis still late, although it’s because he’s nervous and trying to figure out howto not mess things up, not so much that he didn’t want to come.

The second way I can see him asking someone out is by farthe more hilarious.  Rae and I havetalked about this before with one of her KakaHana one-shots and it’s like, themost Kakashi thing ever.  He getsflowers, and writes a poem about his feelings for you (it’s a very cheesy poembut it’s super sweet). He knocks on your door and when you answer, gets on oneknee outside of your house. He’s sweating and shaking and he tries to recitethe poem but he’s stuttering through it, redder even than that one time theyasked him to read Icha Icha out loud, if that’s even possible.  It is a huge, cheesy, romantic gesture,probably straight out of Icha Icha.  It’severy romance novel cliché, it’s painful to watch (let alone being Kakashi) sotake pity on him, accept the flowers, pry the poem out of his shaking hands,and say “yes,” already.  

Invite him in for tea. Do not tell him how sweet he is, unless you want him to faint.  If anyone other than you witnessed him askingyou out, he would probably die of embarrassment.  Never bring it up again.  I think the only way he’d do this, though, isif he already had strong feelings for you. Like they were closer to love than just a crush, and you were friends for a while.  He thinks the grand romantic gesture is what he needs in order to show you that he wants to switch your relationship from friendship to romance.

For Kakashi to ask anyone out at all, I do think it’sbecause he’s hoping it will lead to something more, eventually.  He’s not a casual dater.  That’s not to say that he’s trying to settledown quickly, or that he’s just going to stay with the first person he asks outno matter what, but he is definitely looking for something serious.

Even then, it takes Kakashi a while to propose.  No matter how quickly he falls for you, he’sstill got his issues and his insecurities. He feels somehow like he’s cheated you, tricked you into being with him,or somehow stolen you.  He definitelydoes not think that he is worthy, and no matter how much you love him, thiswill be hard to change.  It’s somethinghe needs to get over himself.  Anytimeyou tell him you love him, he feels an overwhelming warmth in his chest, aswell as shame, and fear, and guilt, and a whole host of other things.  I don’t know that Kakashi will ever be ableto get over it.

I think the best thing you could do to reassure Kakashi isto show him that you’re happy.  He willdefinitely be trying very hard to make you happy, to make up for his ownfeelings of inadequacy.  This, out ofeverything, makes him feel better.  He stillcan’t imagine why you would like him, let alone love him, but as long as you’rehappy, he feels like he’s doing something right.  He feels like it’s okay for him to be withyou, because you are content, and that’s really what he wants for you.

After a few years of being happy together (and you’veprobably moved in together at this point), Kakashi will start to believe that it’sokay for him to have you.  He had wantedyou and loved you and tried his best to deserve you. Maybe he still feels likehe doesn’t deserve you and all the happiness you bring him, but he can tellthat you’re not going anywhere; he “let you” get too attached, and—if you’vehinted to it at all—he’ll be thinking about marriage.  

He’s probably wanted to marry you for a while now, but hedidn’t want to trap you in anything.  Butyou haven’t gone anywhere, and aren’t planning on going anywhere, so Kakashi wantsto do right by you (that’s what he says to himself, because he is a selflessman.  But deep down, he desperately wants to tie youto him, he wants to casually call you his spouse, he wants to call you his—he’salready yours, all of him is yours, he is devoted and loyal and completely atyour whim, though he doesn’t have the words to say it.  He thinks this might just show you howprecious you are to him).

So Kakashi proposes. He also has a very convoluted, intricate plan for this.  I’m not going to outline a proposal, becauseI really think that the ideal proposal is different from person to person.  Kakashi would know you so well at this point(maybe a little too well, he’s observant and a master at looking underneath theunderneath) and so he’d craft it to be exactly what you’d like.  Whether it’s casually going for dinner andthen a walk, where he takes you somewhere private and gets on one knee (hestutters and blushes through telling you how much you mean to him) or somethingcompletely cheesy and romantic (he also stutters and blushes through the wholething) or whatever.  Kakashi will go outof his comfort zone for you, because at the end of the day he really just wantsto make you happy (which can be dangerous for him, because he doesn’t thinkabout his own happiness—really, he’s just happy if you are.  So try and do things to make him happy too,no one-sided relationships here).

It takes him like a month to plan and organize things to hisstandards (if he’s Hokage now, it’ll take him even longer).  I can’t decide if he actually manages tocarry out the plan, if he gets too nervous and fudges it up on the day, or ifhe just cracks and randomly asks you out of the blue because he just loves youso much and he can’t wait, or the nerves got the best of him and he can’t take it anymore.  If it’s thelatter he’ll try to back-peddle and recover but honestly just kiss him (even ifit’s over the mask) and say ‘yes,’ to put the poor man out of his misery.

So you’re engaged (wasn’t this supposed to be about marriagewhere did I go wrong?) and Kakashi is temporarily relieved.  The wedding, however, makes him soooonervous.  Not because he has any doubtabout marrying you, but if you want a big ceremony (not happening if he’s not Hokage, btw, because Jounin Kakashi doesn’t have command over ANBU and can’t get you any bodyguards), or even one in front ofjust your close family and friends, he’s sooo worried about it.  He wants everything to be perfect for you, hedoesn’t know what that means but Icha Icha said that weddings were the happiestday of the couple’s life and Kakashi feels like if he fails at this, then he’sgoing to ruin your relationship for all time. Yes, he totally is overreacting. I hc that Kakashi can’t really deal with emotions well, and this is agood example of that.

Kakashi will go along with whatever you want.  But this is where you really need to step inand think about what he wants, too, because he will not.  So don’t plan anything that will make himuncomfortable.  Although, if he’s Hokagehe’s probably going to have to have a huge wedding, with the village involvedand everything.  Hooooboy.  This… this is a lot to take in.

Absolutely do not suggest that he not wear his mask.  He honestly might take it off for you, as ashow of dedication and his love, but he will feel so out of place (and plusthen all people will talk about when referencing your marriage is his face andthat will just make him more uncomfortable). So, mask on (sorry Future).  

While Kakashi is great at planning things in the tacticalsense, this skill does not apply to wedding planning.  He’ll make time to go with you places, liketo look at venues, or to taste food and stuff, but things like colours andflowers and whatever, he doesn’t care. So that’s going to fall to you. Sorry.  Get your friends to help.

Engaged life is probably pretty similar to dating life withKakashi, considering you’ve already moved in with him and see each other everyday.  

The length of time you’re engagedis determined by how complex your wedding ceremony is.  Kakashi is ready to go elope the second heproposes (ok so he was ready before he proposed but he has to ask you first, hecan’t just swoop in and take you to an officiant, he has some tact).  You’re probablystressed because so much of the planning falls on your shoulders, but Kakashigives really nice massages and he’ll totally make it up to you in other ways,wink wink.

On the day you get married, Kakashi is super worried thatsomething is going to go wrong.  Hethinks you’re going to change your mind and leave him at the altar.  He is probably a sweating mess.  He acts really indifferent on the outsidethough, or tries his best.  No one willever realise just how nervous he actually was, although those close to him cantell that he’s not as unaffected as he usually looks.

The moment he sees you, however, his heart stops.  You look stunning, no matter what you’rewearing.  He is simply in awe.  It’s finally happening.  You’re here. You haven’t changed your mind.

I’m going to skip the ceremony and reception stuff, becausehonestly you planned it, not me, so you go ahead and take a minute to imageyour wedding.   I will say, however, thatonce the ceremony is over, Kakashi is soooo relieved.  Everything worked out, no one tried to opposeyour ceremony (he’s read too much Icha Icha ok he was half convinced some pastlover of yours was going to crash the wedding and take you away from him).

Kakashi is more relaxed during the reception (if you have one) andhe’s never far from your side.  Hedoesn’t like the attention on him, but he likes that you’re his spouse now, andhe doesn’t want to let you out of his sight. He probably plans to whisk you away somewhere asap, though, leaving shadowclones as decoys (unless you really want to stay.  Then he’ll stay.  But take pity on the man at the very leastand keep the attention on you and not him. Although honestly he’d probably manage to make your guests uncomfortablesomehow).  

Gai definitely makes at least one Youthful speech at somepoint.  The more he drinks the morespeeches he makes, to be completely honest. There are lots of tears and YOUTH and you should probably leave before hecovers you and Kakashi with snot from all the happy tears he’s crying.  Direct him towards Lee; they’ll hug it out.

Kakashi’s favourite part of the reception is getting to slowdance with you.  Even though everyone iswatching, he enjoys having you so close. He’s been stressed out all day and having you in his arms, inhaling yourscent, hearing you whisper that you love him, it just helps him decompress.  Honestly, you should really cuddle him a bitbefore the reception, in private.  Showup late.  It’s cool, no one expects youto be on time anyways.

THE WEDDING NIGHT.

…do I really have to go here?  

*le sigh*

All I’m going to say is, wear some nice lingerie underneathyour outfit.  If you’re brave enough (orhave no filter, like myself) whisper all the things you’re going to do tohim/want him to do to you.  He’ll go sored, but it’ll turn him on sooo much. Just go for it.  Even if you’reblushing yourself, it’s totally worth it. Be brave, lil birdy, I believe in you.

You’re both probably tired from the day you had, so maybeyou just help each other undress and then fall into bed together (poor, unusedlingerie.  Kakashi will ask you to wearit tomorrow night).  Kakashi can’t sleepthough, he’s had too stressful of a day. Instead he holds you closer and thinks about how lucky he is… and thenreads Icha Icha.  Come on, the man isn’tfrom a romance novel he’s not going to stare at you adoringly all night.  He will probably turn his head into yourhair, occasionally nuzzling or pressing soft kisses wherever he can reach.

If you wake up and want to have some fun, he’s definitelynot going to turn you down, either.  Hehonestly might need the release just to loosen up and actually fall asleep.  Get Kakashi off.  Just do it. It’ll be fun I promise.

So you’re married now. This was my point. I’m finally at the point.  Wait, honeymoon.  Ok ok real quick.  No, fuck it. You make this part up.  I’m sureit’s lovely.  Kakashi goes where youwant.  Do something romantic for him (hewill blush so hard if you romance him it’s so worth it he’s adorable just doit).  Hopefully he has some time off fromhis Hokage duties.  Spend lots of timealone, just the two of you.  That’swhat’s important—being together.

Ok so now I’m atmy point.  Married life.

Kakashi is so much more relaxed now that you’remarried.  He’s not worried about youleaving him, because while you might divorcehim, he’s confident that you wouldn’t have married him if you were planning onbeing with anyone else.  Your marriage issomething concrete; it’s tangible in a way, in that it’s on paper and everyoneknows about it.  While he probablyworries about it being such public knowledge, if he’s Hokage he can’t avoidit.  And if not, well, he would haverequired a more private wedding, limited to just your family and close friendsthat you both would trust with your lives. Kakashi does not compromise on your safety.  You’re going to just have to deal with it.

He loves waking up next to you.  If he wakes up first, he’ll turn into you andhold you closer, letting himself drift on the edges of sleep.  Or he’ll grab Icha Icha from his nightstandand read a bit.  He’s perfectly contentjust lying in bed for a while.  If hereally has to leave, he’ll do his best not to wake you when he gets up (itprobably involves a replacement jutsu with a body pillow).  Then he’ll use all his ninja skills to getready and go.  He might cook you somebreakfast, and leave it in the stove to stay warm.  You’ll probably find a silly note signed witha henohenomoheji on your hairbrush or something—whatever you go for first whenyou wake up.

If you wake up first, your movement will wake him up.  Always. He’ll pull you closer and whisper “just five more minutes,” and how canyou say no to sleepy Kakashi?  You can’t,only a monster would have that power.  Sosettle back down, cuddle a bit, and maybe start kissing a little, and let yourhands wander, and if one thing leads to the next, well… I’m sure you’ll have anice morning.  You’re going to be latethough.  I hope you didn’t have anywhereimportant to be.

Although Kakashi seems like the type of guy who wouldn’t putstock in important dates, I think he himself really likes celebrating youranniversary.  It’s a celebration thatyou’re together, that you love him, that he makes you happy… it’s just good forhim.  That doesn’t necessarily mean hemakes a big deal out of it, but he definitely remembers.  He’ll get you something meaningful, that he’sput too much thought into but he’ll pass off as “oh, I just picked somethingup.”  

Kakashi will want to do something special but also lowkey.  Maybe he’ll pull out the sake or the wine (ifyou don’t usually drink it) or maybe he’ll go for champagne (if you likeit).  He will have mysteriously just “found it” somewhere.  A nice old ladygave it to him as a thank you for carrying her groceries.  He caught some kids in an alleyway andhe—being responsible—had to confiscate it. He had to help a cat out of a tree and he found it in a bird’s nest(they use stranger and stranger things to build their nests.  Why, only the other day he found a perfectlywrapped and beautifully arranged bouquet of flowers in one.  What odd birds.  That’s definitely it).

If you’re staying in, he offers to cook.  Insist on doing it together.  Even if you’re not a great cook, just chopwhat needs chopping, or hand him things. Crowd him in the kitchen.  Helikes how casually your skin brushes against his.  How you slip by him, how your hands brush… hejust likes that casual intimacy that means you’re close to someone.  That sort of calm, domestic stuff gets to him.  It makes him feel like he’s alive instead ofjust existing.  Even just hugging himfrom behind while he works over the stove—clinging tight enough to hold on butnot so tight that he can’t move around—is enjoyable to him.  Bury your nose in his back or his neck or hisshoulder or whatever idk how tall you are but just nuzzle the boy he’ll enjoyit.

Idk how close you are with your family, but if they’re agood bunch, I think he’d like family get-togethers, while simultaneously hatingthem.  Since he lost his family, I thinkit’s a sort of novelty to him; like, he thinks it’s nice that you have peoplewho love you, he thinks it’s interesting to watch how you all interact,etc.  But he’s super anti-social, andthese things make him sooo uncomfortable (especially if you have one of those well-meaningbut nosey and pushy families).  He’ll tryto hide in corners, and people will be like ‘Where’d Kakashi go?’ and he’slike, disguised himself with a genjutsu or something so no one can see him.  He won’t leave without telling you, but hewill probably leave early.  Whether you leavewith him or not is your choice, he doesn’t mind if you want to stay, he justcan’t be there for too long.

Don’t host people at your place though.  Unless it’s like a once a year thing becauseyou have to.  Even then, Kakashi isleaving early.  He’ll help you clean uponce everyone is gone, though, and help you prepare before everyone getsthere.  He’ll have a better time if peoplehe’s close to are there, so he doesn’t have to make small talk with people he’snot comfortable with.  He still leavesearly.  There’s no stopping him.  Don’t try to. Don’t get mad.  It’s just how itis.

Kakashi probably really likes calling you wife/spouse/husbandin private.  He’ll use it instead of yourname.  Call him ‘husband’ or ‘anata’ andyou’ll get his heart jumping.  Tell himhe’s yours and watch him blush.

If he’s Hokage, he’ll probably be busy (even if he playshookie often).  Surprise him for lunchand you’ll make his day.  Honestly, he’dstay in the office if he knew you were stopping by, so do Shizune a favour andmake your way over so she doesn’t have to chase him around.  He might leave after you go, however.  There’s no helping it.

Although I do think he’d be a very hard working Hokage,honestly.  He might not be happy aboutthe position, as it was never his dream, but Kakashi cares for the village socompletely and with such an intensity that I can’t see him avoiding it whenthere are things that need to be done. He tries his best.  Make sure hecomes home at a reasonable time.

I actually wholeheartedly disagree with the idea thatKakashi is lazy.  I think he does areally good job of appearinglazy.  He doesn’t want people in hisbusiness, he doesn’t share much about himself, and he has no desire to go outof his way to prove his merits to anyone (he’s not a man who wants his meritsto be acknowledged at all, let along prove them).  Kakashi is humble and shy so shy omg.  He’s not a slacker, though—he would not bethe ninja he is if he were lazy.

So he’s not going to leave things for you to do, he’s notgoing to just sit around and watch while you clean up after him, or neglectyou, or whatever.  Kakashi puts effortinto everything that’s important to him (and no, training Team 7 wasn’timportant to him when he first got them, but he did put in that effort whentraining Sasuke, because it was important to train him at the time—baddecisions aside.  That’s a different canof worms, however).

Kakashi has definitely been touch-starved.  When you start dating, he might find itawkward or uncomfortable when you touch him intimately.  And I don’t mean sex, I mean gentletouches.  Holding hands, leaning yourhead on his shoulder, etc.  Respect hisboundaries and don’t push him.  By thetime you’re married, he’ll be reaching for you without thought.  He’ll never be big on PDA though, so don’texpect him to be the guy pulling you into his lap in public.  He will do that in private, though.  Like a Venus flytrap lol.  Get too close and suddenly you’re in hisgrasp.  It’s cute.  Cuddle for a bit, even if you have things todo.  They can wait.

I should have said this earlier, but you’re definitely goingto be late for things, from now on—like, shortly after you move in together.  I can’t see you being on time.  Ever. Sorry.  Whether you’re going withKakashi or going by yourself, he’s somehow managing to delay you.  You might be on time if he’s out of thevillage and he’s not around to distract you. Although he’s probably engrained himself so deeply into you at thispoint that you forget to set your alarm, or you don’t realise the time, orwhatever.  RIP time managementskills.  It was nice knowing you. Sayonara.  

My point though, at the end of it all, is that Kakashi isvery appreciative to have you in his life. He thinks of you as one of the best things that has ever happened tohim.  That you chose to be with him, thatyou choose to stay with him, means the world to him.  He had never imagined that his life wouldturn around from the tragedy it was to something that makes him so happy.  So of course he would never mistreat you.  

Kakashi cherishes every second you choose to spend withhim.  He will probably never feel like hedeserves you, which is a tragedy in and of itself.  But because he knows what it means to loseeverything, he values you even more. Kakashi is kind and loyal and he tries his best.  That’s all we can ask of ourselves and eachother at the end of the day.  And Kakashiwill be his best for you

I hope this manages to cheer you up!  It’s the best I could think up.  

[endclean]

Before || Mianite

idk if this counts as a fanfic

its about Kevin, Betsy, and Terry from Mianite and Jordan’s channel

Im sorry this is s u ch   s h i t but i wrote it in literally a day and its satire soooo...

So, here’s the epic adventure:

This was the night.

The night Betsy, Terry, and Kevin were going to break into Disneyworld. It seemed unusual, but the three have been planning this since high-school. It was the initiation into their very own club, “Tiem Reester”. They made it up to spite their nemesis friends, “Team Rooster”.

But why Disneyland? It’s simple. Each had a job to take care of that involved them not getting caught. Kevin was in charge of the maps and the cameras, Betsy was in charge of timing and activities, and Terry was in charge of the security team.  Everyone had to trust eachother and everyone had to do their job right. That was the test.

So, At 12:38 am, the trio reached the back of Disneyland. The only thing left to do was get over the gates. Kevin started to set up the rope.

Terry rubbed her wings around nervously. “I don’t know… What if we do get in trouble? What if you or I go to prison? I don’t want to be alone! Would you visit me, Betsy?” She said, looking at Betsy for comfort. All Betsy could do was smirk at her girlfriend.

“I know for a fact nothing will go wrong. We all can trust each other.” Betsy calms Terry down, before pressing their foreheads together in an intimate moment before briskly running off. Climbing up the rope Kevin set up, she shouts, “Now come on, we got some rides to climb!” This idea made Terry a bit more scared though. She was deathly scared of heights but would never tell Betsy.

The next person to climb the rope was Kevin. “We can never Leave Disneyland if we never enter Disneyland, so come on!” He tried his best at giving advice, but it pretty much sucked.

Once both Betsy and Kevin reached the top, They looked down to see Terry, the Terrified™. Betsy let out a slightly irritated but humorous sigh. Kevin shouts out some words on encouragement that eventually get Terry up the ladder.

Once every chicken was up on the wall, they stood, gaysing at the empty, dark park. Sure, there still were a few security guards walking around, so they were not completely alone. They couldn’t even see any while overlooking the whole park. Betsy had her eyes fixed on the giant Ferris wheel with the ladder on it, imagining herself standing on it, taking in the breeze. Kevin was looking at the drop down the wall. It was at least 15 feet on gentle falling, and he knew that would be the calmest moment of the night. All Terry could look at was the passion in Betsy’s eyes. The tip of her right wing moved around the promise ring that was located in the bottom of her bag. It had, “Loving forever” inscribed on the inside, and a ruby design on the outside.

“Wow. It sure is nice being on top.” Kevin says.

“You betcha.” Betsy, replies, smirking.

Kevin goes to playfully punch her in the arm, but she doges it by jumping down first. Without hesitation, Kevin grabs Terry by the elbow, and looks her in the eyes, making sure she is ready. With a nod, they jump off towards the concrete below.

After a few seconds of falling, they join Betsy at the bottom. “Home, sweet home” Kevin says, shamelessly. Betsy punches him in the arm.

The first thing on the list was to visit the spinning swing set. It wouldn’t be functional, but at least the three could spin around on it before making the trek to the Ferris wheel. And that is exactly what the three did. Betsy and Terry span Kevin around, and then Kevin span Betsy and Terry around on the same swing. By the end, the trio were laughing, and dizzy.

Betsy took a map out of the pack she brought. After studying it one last time, she points in one direction, down a road to the west. “This way, guys.” The other two follow silently, anticipating the fun games from atop the Ferris wheel.

But, once they arrived at the ride, all three were frightened by the massive height of the structure. Even Betsy quivered at the sight of it. Putting her wing on the first ladder step, she gulped. Terry felt comfort in knowing the others were scared too, so she went up before Kevin could.  They climbed up steadily and slowly.  Breathing heavy, it took a few minutes to reach halfway. This was when the unexpected happened.

When the couple heard Kevin shout, “Oh my god! We are so high” they both looked down. Below them was 80 feet of nothing. The sight was terrifying, even for a chicken.

A moment was all it took for Terry to lose her grip on the ladder. While falling, she panicked and flapped her wings. The flapping made her fall sideways. Instead of floating, she was falling. Falling fast. Betsy called out her name, unable to do anything. Betsy let out a terrified, “TERRY!” in fear of her own bestfriend and girlfriend dying. Kevin was frozen in fear.

Fortunately, Terry was able to grab back onto he ladder before she reached the ground. Gasping for breath, she was asked if she was okay by Betsy. Nodding slowly and refusing to look neither up nor down, she waved upwards at the other two chickens. Betsy shouted down, “Do you want to go back?” But all Terry could do was shake her head and start to climb up again.

Once all three were at the top, Betsy pulled Terry into a tight hug. The eventually went to the seat of the wheel, where Terry leaned on and hugged Betsy, while crying quietly.

Terry became of aware of how cold and tired she felt. Some feeling of dread and sadness overpowered her. She felt absolutely helpless as she sat there, selfishly gathering every bit of warmth from Betsy’s body. It wasn’t satisfying, though, so she just stayed there. Still. Tranquil, almost. As if she had actually died. Her eyes were stuck wide open, and no matter how dry, cold, irritated or teary they got she couldn’t bring herself to move enough to close them.

Kevin just stared onto the void that replaced the park, grateful that nothing permanent had happened. This was both false and true, because nothing is permanent. But the memories of that night would stay with Kevin forever. It is both fortunate and unfortunate.

After about fifteen minutes, Terry was able to recover enough from the stress to sit up and look more relaxed. With a deep sigh, “We should start heading down.” Broke the silence. Betsy and Kevin nodded and all three jumped off and floated down gracefully. They kept a watchful eye on each other to make sure everyone stayed upright and safe. Betsy pulled out her map, but before she could look at it, a bright light appeared behind them.

They turned around to see nothing but a security guard. He had gelled down feathers and a nametag that read “Guard Tom”.

“Alright, turn around, wings behind your necks.”

He called for backup. Two other guards came.

Everyone was being read their rights as they were escorted to the front gate. Betsy was speaking harshly to the guards and Terry was crying at a volume that was almost lukewarm, if you could compare the two. Kevin just looked up. He chose a star.

He said, “If there is anything out there, please do something. Take me somewhere where this never happened. Where I can be safe. Come on, Help me out, please!”

Selfish, almost.

I say it’s selfish because it was all about him. He really didn’t give a fuck about the other two, even if they were his best friends.

As he was getting pushed into the main office until the police would arrive, Kevin noticed that everything seemed damp. Quickly, the entire place was filled with water. Kevin couldn’t breathe. He eventually passed out.

..

He woke up on a beach, somewhere he had never seen before. After standing up and gaining some energy back, he tried to yell for help. All that could come out was clucks. He looked around for his friends. He made his way into the civilization, where he would spend his time spying on the humans and gods for entertainment. There was gods, love, hate, death, and life. There was even a relationship between a Goddess and a man. And other between a man and a man. It wasn’t satisfying.

Every night, he wished upon the stars that his friends would be reunited with him.

The End.

 ~7 years later~ (lmao chickens live forever in mc so suck it)

Kevin was making his way to his makeshift hut in the forest, when he chose to peek through a window of Urulu. Inside, he saw the young man that was dating a god. With his messy hair and pajamas, he was trying to get a small child to eat something. She looked like she was under 10 years old. She was too excited to go to school, so she insisted on skipping breakfast. The young man groaned.

“If you don’t eat anything, you won’t have a good time.” The girl was persistent in keeping her mouth shut, even though she was smiling and holding back giggles. The young man groaned.

“Please. For me?” He sounded irritated, but you could see a soft smile on his face. The girl sat down at the table and started eating her breakfast after agreeing that she would take 10 bites of food. This was when the young man let his grin grow cheek to cheek. Kevin forgot what it was like to have that kind of closeness with a person. He missed it, yes, but he thought he didn’t deserve it.

But that was before he met Waglington.

[intoxicatedeuphoria]

BURN THE HOUSE DOWN (Part 2 of 3)

ROYAI WEEK 2017

PROMPT: Day #7 (6/11) - Incendiary RATING:Teens (swearing, innuendoes) WORD COUNT: 2977 (Part II only)

Rebecca will do anything for her best friend, Riza. Tonight, she’ll do whatever it takes to give her a shot at happiness, no matter how brief it may be. If only that damn bastard Mustang would take a hint…

PART I  |  PART II  |  PART III (coming soon)

This story happens immediately after the events of Roy Mustang Observation Diary, where Falman was still a sergeant (instead of a warrant officer), and Fuery was a private, up until the end where Roy promoted him to sergeant, at least according to the English translation floating around the net.

I’ve split the fic into three parts now because I ended up adding almost 3000 words by the time I finished reading two-thirds of the original Part II. I can’t help it. I love Rebecca and Team Mustang, especially Fuery!!

HAPPY ROYAI DAY, EVERYONE~!!

PART II: CHAIN REACTION

Friday, 23:08 hours Dining Room (Turned into a Club), The Verve, East City

After all the preparations had been done, everyone finally settled around the rectangular table in their VIP booth. Rebecca unfurled the curtain divider by the entrance to give their group some privacy.

Riza took note of the seating arrangement. Across her was her best friend sitting on a plush ottoman, her back to the curtain. To Rebecca’s right were Breda and Falman, both sitting on one of the three loveseats in their booth. To her left were Fuery and Havoc, the former trying to rest his head on the taller man’s arm and failing miserably. Finally, Riza shared the last loveseat with the colonel.

The booth was rather small for seven people, and the loveseats smaller still. Riza’s right leg brushed against Roy’s left every time she moved. The contact made her hyperaware of their proximity which was already challenging the limits of propriety – at least for a commanding officer and his subordinate.

The game hadn’t even started yet…

…and knowing Rebecca, nothing less than inappropriate would happen for the rest of their night if she had a say in it.

“Young and wild and free, remember?” The blonde woman muttered to herself. She released a sigh, which did not go unnoticed.

“Is there something wrong, lieutenant?” Roy whispered in her ear, startling her.

She wordlessly shook her head, then shifted her gaze to Rebecca who let out an exaggerated cough.

“Are you done whispering sweet nothings to each other?” She raised an eyebrow at the two highest-ranked officers in the booth.

“We weren’t-“

“It’s not like-“

The dark-haired woman did not let them finish. Instead she clapped her hands as she began speaking.

“With that out of the way, shall we set the rules?" she winked at the rest of them.

Fuery nodded overenthusiastically that his eyeglasses were knocked off his face. “Oops!”

“One man down,” Breda muttered sardonically. “I repeat, we have one man down.”

Falman snickered beside him.

Mustang rested his elbows on the table and steepled his fingers. “How do you propose we play this juvenile game, 2nd Lt. Catalina?”

“Hmmm… since we’re all adults here, I propose that we up the ante right from the start!” she answered jovially. “How about instead of the typical truth or dare, we make it shot and truth or shot and dare? After all, the good colonel here already prepared a bottle of some nice vodka.”

Riza massaged her temple after hearing Rebecca’s idea. Things were definitely going to get messy.

“One more thing,” the colonel interjected. “No passing and no changing of choice, alright?”

With his right hand raised, Havoc inquired, “Any objections?”

There were none.

Breda placed the empty champagne bottle at the center of the table, then asked. “Everybody ready?”

Grunts and nods of assent were given, and the bottle finally spun to life.

“…and for the first blood we have…” Havoc commented, serving as the host for the game.

Everyone watched as the bottle slowed down to a stop and its neck pointed to…

“Falman!” the chain smoker called out loudly, using the unopened bottle of vodka as a makeshift microphone.

The man scratched his head in anticipation.

“Soooo… Sgt. Falman, shot with the truth or a dare?” Havoc asked seriously, getting into his role a little too earnestly.

The gray-haired man gulped before choosing the former.

“Does anyone have a question for our good man Falman?” Havoc looked around the table.

While waiting for a response, Roy pried the bottle of vodka from the blonde second lieutenant’s hand to pour a shot for the first ‘victim’ of the night.

Riza almost wanted to stop their commanding officer, but then she realized that the guys plus Rebecca were only trying to have some fun. Their work could be so stressful, and sometimes only alcohol could make them forget for a while.

She was well aware of this. After all, she and Rebecca used to drown their sorrows and stresses in cheap tequila during their academy days. Her best friend introduced her to the wonders – and the subsequent horrors – of hard liquor, and Riza was never the same afterwards. Rebecca once told her drunkenly that it’s what best friends were for. At least Riza knew she’s not going down as easily as Fuery already did. She’d had training with Rebecca, and she learned a few other tricks during the war so she’s pretty confident she could outdrink Falman and Havoc at best.

For some reason, Breda was not drinking as much as he usually did, only sticking to beer since they started drinking. Maybe he knew what a nightmare the hangover would be tomorrow. Wine, beer, and hard liquor made the nastiest mix – the one which always resulted to a monster headache that refused to go away for an entire day.

“Wait, I do!” Breda hollered with a diabolical grin after an awkward moment of silence.

Speaking of the devil… Riza thought wryly.

“Sgt. Falman!” The hefty lieutenant turned to him. “Who do you think is hotter, 1st. Lt. Hawkeye or 2nd Lt. Catalina, and why?”

Falman swallowed hard and then froze in place.

“You’re forgetting something!” Fuery pointed to the vodka-filled shot glass. “Shot first~!!”

The light-haired sergeant downed the liquor, then blurted out, “I think both of them are equally attractive. I mean, 1st Lt. Hawkeye has the cool, calm appeal, while 2nd Lt. Catalina has the messy, vivacious charm.” He took a breath, as if bracing himself for the worst, and then continued, “and I’m pretty sure all the men here would agree that the ladies are very, very, very sexy with their impossibly long legs and all those curves…”

Falman ceased talking when he saw Riza’s eyes narrowing. Meanwhile, Rebecca relished the compliments without hesitation, winking at the terrified man.

“Enough with the flattery, sergeant.” Riza demanded briskly.

“Aww, Riza. He was just being honest!” Rebecca whined. She turned to the blushing sergeant. “Thank you for noticing out feminine assets, and for appreciating them! It’s nice to know that someone still sees us as women even if we work for the military.”

“Thank you, Sgt. Falman.” The blonde woman’s stony visage melted into a small smile.

Roy cleared his throat and said, “Let’s move on to the next one.”

Falman spun the bottle and it pointed to Fuery. The dark-haired young man grabbed the vodka bottle, poured himself a shot, then swallowed it in a blink. Everyone was stunned into silence, until Havoc resumed his commentator-slash-host duties.

“Up next we have the newly promoted, and currently inebriated Sgt. Fuery!”

It was Falman’s turn to ask. “Truth or dare, sergeant?”

“A real man always goes for a dare!” Fuery declared proudly.

“A dare it is.” Falman placed a finger under his chin and remained silent for a minute. He suddenly slammed a hand on the table. “I dare you to ask for a girl’s number in five minutes!”

“SAY WHAT?!?!” Fuery seemed to sober up a little from the dare.

“We agreed on the rules, Fuery.” Breda said matter-of-factly, wiggling his index finger as he did so. “You can’t pass or change your choice. Be a man and ask a girl – any girl – for her number.”

Fuery left their booth to complete his mission. Havoc slid the curtains to one side so everyone had a view of his progress.

Riza felt Roy shift in his seat. She looked at him and was surprised to see that his gaze was already on her.

“Are you alright, sir?” she inquired quietly, holding his stare.

“Yes, of course,” he assured her. “I’m just starting to feel the effects of the whiskey.” He tilted the empty glass in his hand. “It’s my fifth one already.”

“Then I suggest you stop drinking, colonel,” she stated firmly. Roy simply nodded. She raised an eyebrow at him, but he only grinned adorably.

He leaned towards her, then whispered, “A few more drinks won’t kill me, lieutenant.” He moved closer still, until he was practically breathing against her ear, “but your dress tonight sure did.”

Riza rolled her eyes as she gently pushed him away. “Sir, I believe you’re being too close for comfort… closer that what is proper, in fact.”

He looked at her sadly, but said nothing in response.

All of a sudden, boisterous cheering filled the booth as Fuery returned from his task, dispelling the heavy mood that settled between Roy and her.

Riza exhaled in relief. The tension between them was quickly becoming unbearable. His gentle teasing and subtle flirtation were not helping at all. She wished he wouldn’t be so obvious with his feelings since they were currently in public.

But then again, she was at fault, too. She let her guard down because she was enjoying herself immensely. How many times did she dream of going out with him like this? Did he have any idea know how much she envied all the girls he dated since they came back from the war?

She shook her head slightly to clear her mind.

There was no point in dwelling on regrets and everything else that she could not change.

It was time to move on.

She joined in the clapping when Fuery – with a kiss mark on his left cheek – showed off the paper napkin with some girl’s number on it. Then he promptly passed out next to Havoc.

Riza could not help but chuckle at their youngest member’s antics.

It was going to be a long night so she might as well enjoy it.

After all, she was young and wild and free and only twenty-three.

At least for tonight.

Friday, 23:23 hours Dining Room (Turned into a Club), The Verve, East City

Rebecca stole a glance to her left where Fuery was passed out, his head lolling against the back of the loveseat.

Her lips formed a smirk. She hadn’t felt this giddy while playing Spin the Bottle since she was thirteen.

A chance finally appeared!

Fuery’s out of the game so anyone can ask a question or suggest a dare for the next round.

Now, if she could only find a way to make sure the bottle stops at either Riza or Mustang…

“I’ll spin for Fuery!” She announced eagerly, her hand already poised on the bottle. “Ready or not~!”

Please let it stop at Riza or the Flame Bastard. Rebecca called upon the favors of all the deity she had ever known, even if she herself was a non-believer. Please, oh god, anyone, the stars, the universe…

Somewhere, somebody heard her plea and granted her wish.

“Would you look at that?!” Havoc cried out in false bewilderment. “The next victim is the Hawk’s Eye herself: our dearest 1st Lt. Hawkeye~!!”

“I’ll ask her!” Rebecca volunteered before anyone else could interfere with her plan. “Drink up first, Riza!”

Everyone watched as the lady of the minute gracefully knocked back the vodka shot.

Trust Riza to make everything look so classy and oh so sexy. Rebecca smiled smugly. Mustang’s practically drooling like a dog from the view.  

“Truth or dare, lieutenant?” The colonel asked her promptly.

The rest of the team waited with baited breath for her answer.

Meanwhile, Rebecca was getting impatient. The suspense was killing her.

“I choose…” Riza trailed off as she surveyed their expressions.

Fuery’s loud snoring broke the silence, and then Riza finally said, “Truth.”

Sounds of disappointment filled the booth.

“So Riza…” Rebecca clapped her hands once, signifying the start of her interrogation. “Would you please tell us how many people you’ve kissed so far, and who was the best one?”

The first lieutenant’s eyes widened so much upon hearing the question, then quickly narrowed into slits and focused solely on her best friend.

“This is a complete betrayal, Rebecca.” She stated coldly. “You’ll pay for this.”

“Please answer the question, sir!” Falman insisted weakly. “Rules are rules…”

“Fine.” Riza acquiesced, the annoyance remaining in her voice. “I’ve kissed two people in my life.”

“Really?! But you’re so pretty!” Fuery interjected out of nowhere. Falman almost fell from his seat from the shock.

The blonde woman smiled kindly at the drunk sergeant. “Thank you for the compliment, Sgt. Fuery, but I’m sorry to burst your bubble. I don’t go around kissing people at random, pretty or not.”

The youngest soldier’s eyes widened, then he blushed furiously. “I’m so, so, soooo sorry, first lieutenant. I’m shutting up now.”

“Good idea.” Breda gave him a thumbs-up. The bespectacled man returned it with a droopy-eyed smile, then slumped against the sofa once more.

“And for your best kiss…?” Mustang inquired cautiously.

“Ooooh, careful there, colonel.” Havoc warned playfully, wagging his finger at him. “Your interest may be misconstrued as sexual harassment~!” He finished in a sing-song voice.

Riza brushed off the comment. “It’s fine, sir.” She then turned to her best friend. “For your information, 2nd Lt. Catalina, my best kiss was you, when we were in the academy.”

The men froze in their seats, their eyes wide as saucers.

“I mean, it was the best one because I don’t remember much, so I’m simply assuming that it’s better than the one I had with the other person.”

Rebecca burst into hysterical giggling. “Ohmigod, Riza! Did you really have to do that?! Look at them – poor men. You just gave them a heart attack and some good stuff for their fantasies.” She said in between peals of laughter.

The female second lieutenant might have been half crazy from all the laughing, but she definitely did not miss the look of mixed surprise and disappointment in Mustang’s eyes.

So Mustang’s the other person Riza had kissed before. Rebecca noted silently. Gotcha!

“But I’m being serious here.” Riza deadpanned. “Oh, and by the way, Rebecca has the softest lips, in case you’re wondering.”

An awkward silence pervaded the tiny booth.

Then it was Riza’s turn to burst into uninhibited laughter, slapping Mustang’s left thigh with her right hand every few seconds while covering her mouth with her other hand. The others simply stared at her. It was the first time they ever saw her lose all control over her emotions.

“I’m so sorry,” she gasped as she recovered her breath. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Without any warning, Mustang gently cupped her face.

The room stilled once again – including Riza this time – as the colonel slowly moved his thumbs across her cheeks to carefully wipe off the tears streaming down her face.

“That’s enough, lieutenant,” he told her gently, as if she were a child. “You’re ruining your immaculate make up.”

“Pardon me, sir. I–“ She began to justify her actions, but her commanding officer beat her to it.

“It’s OK, lieutenant.” He murmured, beaming at her adoringly. “I’m glad you’re having a good time, but there’s no need to ruin your pretty face while doing so.”

“Ahem,” Rebecca interrupted their tender moment with a fake cough. “Can we move on now, please?”

Mustang immediately dropped his hands to his lap, while Riza turned in her seat so she was facing her best friend once more. Both were acting as if nothing had happened a minute earlier.

Oh wow, Mustang has lost it. Maybe the alcohol has gone into his head. Rebecca thought. And I believe Riza’s rather tipsy, too! Perfect~!!

The rest of them pretended they saw nothing as well.

Riza reached for the bottle and spun it.

“The next round is for…” Havoc paused, waiting for the bottle to stop.

“You!” Breda announced with a finger pointed towards his best friend.

The blonde man grinned widely. “It’s about damn time I got some action!”

He grabbed the shot glass that Falman refilled, then declared boldly, “Dare.”

It was Riza’s turn, and – if Rebecca knew her friend well – this meant it’s payback time.

The smirk on Riza’s lips looked eerily similar to that of her commanding officer when he was up to no good.

It was plain evil.

“2nd Lt. Havoc, I dare you to ask Rebecca for a kiss.” The blonde sniper said simply.

It wasn’t as shocking as the dark-haired woman thought it would be.

“Wait a minute!” Mustang demanded harshly. “Isn’t that against the law? You do know that fraternization is illegal, right?”

Out of the blue, Rebecca let out a shrill scream.

“That’s not true!” Fuery asserted passionately with his index finger still poised in a poking stance near Rebecca’s waist. “It’s not fraternization, colonel! It’s just a game, right?!”

He poked her once again. The dark-haired woman shoved him back to his seat.

Mustang cleared his throat to garner their attention.

“Let’s all agree that everything that we’ve seen and heard tonight will never go out of this group. Ever.” Mustang looked at each of them in the eyes as he spoke. “Do I have your word for it?”

Everyone else in the room raised his or her right hand in salute, then replied solemnly, “Yes, sir!”

The colonel smirked, then declared smugly, “What are you waiting for, Havoc? Go get her.”

Before anyone knew what was happening, Havoc was already kneeling next to Rebecca and was reaching out for her hand.

“May I kiss you, my beautiful lady?” He requested suavely, his voice dropping an octave or two.

Fuery was squealing like a schoolgirl next to them, effectively ruining the moment.

Rebecca was blushing heavily now, and her head was reeling from embarrassment, but the alcohol she had consumed seemed to have flushed out every drop of inhibition in her system a long time ago.

Her instincts were telling her to kiss him.

So she did.

And it felt amazing.

Havoc pulled away before the kiss deepened, but it was still so satisfying.

Rebecca remained in a daze minutes later, temporarily forgetting her mission for the night.

I swear, the next part will be the last one. I’ll upload it once I’m done obsessing over the details of the conclusion.

[maddieziegler-news]

Another rant because abuse is no joke and I’m done of people using it/making a competition out of it for the sake of their own sick argument

So I read @dancemomsshenanigans super personal post about the recent drama (Maddie calling DM “the worst” and her abuse on the show) earlier today and first of all, thank you for being brave and putting this out there, it really touched me because I experienced really similar things and I was super hurt reading some of the comments yesterday who said Maddie didn’t have it bad, others had it worst etc. and I actually had to stay away from tumblr for a bit because it brought back so many bad memories of my childhood. But I decided to be brave too and just tell you guys a bit about emotional abuse and what it did for me. I don’t really care if anyone reads this, this is for some of you, yes, to see what it can be like, but it’s mainly for me because I just need to get it off my chest because I felt hurt yesterday and still do. Warning this will be messy, bad writing and briefly talk about suicidal thoughts, sorry about that but I’m not feeling like proof reading or polishing it right now.  To give some background information: My parents got divorced when I was 7, I grew up with my dad because my mum didn’t want me, I have been having really bad seperation anxiety till then. My dad is a really strict person and he struggled a lot raising a daughter by himself with no help of my mother or any other family members. When I was 10 he taught me the rules for chess and then put me into a chess club (wanted to help me with my concentration because i was super hyperactive). It turned out I was really talented at it. In a matter of only a few months I made it on all the teams and became team captain of the under 12 team super fast and was even put on the team of the 20-year olds. Most kids who do chess seriously start at age 4, they grow up with it and all the competitions etc, I was just thrown in and it was a mess. I was really good, I immediately made it in all the competitive teams my club had and qualified for the German national championships (and you had to go through a lot of comps to qualify) in my first year competing and from there the nightmare started. I got into the national squad (not sure if you call it that in English??) for the most gifted which were super strict, you had to attend competitions every month and had to win a certain amount to stay on the team, you had to take exams and attend very hard training camps on a regular basis and I trained every single day for at least 6 hours (after like 6-8 hours of school). I also had games every weekend with the teams from the club I trained at which I had to attend on top of that, I missed sooo many weeks of school during a year, it was crazy. As you can imagine, this was a very competitive world. Trust me, the “chess world” is just as crazy as the dance world, only that you’re surrounded by far more men (a nightmare). And then the trouble started: All my teachers told my dad I was the most talented student they ever had and how I could win world-championships etc. He then got all crazy and put immense pressure on me. I already told you I suffer from seperation anxiety, I had already lost my mum, I was not gonna lose my dad too. So I trained and trained although I didn’t even like it that much at that point. I liked winning against grown men and seeing their ego suffer when beaten by a little girl, I liked the feeling of winning, I liked all the travelling at first, but I did not love it and for being a competitive chess player on this level, you had to love it or you’ll break eventually. My dad used to scream at me for losing, he was disappointed and it broke my heart, so I tried to please him and do as good as I could. But it wasn’t only my dad, I had lots of teachers and I’m telling you, they were the worst. I had some calling you names when you lost, they’d call you stupid, talentless, they said I had “no brain”, that girls couldn’t play chess and I just proved that, that I was worthless and all that jazz. But I could actually handle that, as sick as that sounds. It helped me be better because those teachers, they didn’t expect anything from me, they had called me worthless so I thought there was no way I could disappoint them more than that and that actually took the pressure off of me. I felt this way because of the way others  had treated me. Because my other teachers and my dad, they would be disappointed, they would tell me how talented I was and how I was letting them down, myself down, everyone down, how I could do so much better, how I wasn’t trying hard enough, not training enough. How I wouldn’t appreciate all they did for me (my dad travelling with me, paying the bills I never asked for that i didn’t even want it!). They would make me feel soooo bad, I could never live up to their expectations. Damn, they saw me as the next world champion, so whatever I did before I was one, it would never please them. And until you become world champion, there are years of work ahead of you and I started with only 10, not 4! I was behind, even if here in Germany I was winning almost everything, I was damn behind. So I knew whatever I did, no matter how much I won, no matter how well I did, it would never be enough. And this was only chess, my dad was just as strict for school. “School comes first”, that’s what he used to say, so when I got an A-, he would flip and demand to know why I didn’t get an A, when I got an A, why not an A+. This was my reality. I missed so much school, I had no time for homework or studying, but was still expected to bring home only A’s. One of my school teachers who helped me miss so much school by pursuading our headmaster to let me go then got invested as well. I got permission to go to a national competition for a week and then I was back he asked me my placement and I told him I got 9th (out of like 200) and the way he looked at me, so disappointed, almost accusing, it was awful. It was like, “I let you miss school for a week and you only got 9th place??” and I was already upset about that placement, I had messed up big time and I was upset and then I did now also have to deal with a teacher at school being upset, not only my dad and countless teachers. It never stopped. The expectations to always be the best, to always win, even if I was the youngest, they were too much. I once attended a comp in a town one of the teachers of the national team lived at, so I slept at his home and he took me to the comp and the first day I lost my match (which I expected, I had to play against the strongest participant in that comp and it was internation and really big) and when we got back home and his wife asked how it went he just said I blew it and messed up big time and all this in a very accusing tone, I was devastated. There was no way I was winning against that Russian who was a professional chessplayer (meaning he earned his money attending comps and winning them!) and I personally thought I had done a great job because our match lasted almost 6 hours and I really made him work for the win! But no, here I was, getting accused of not having tried at all. Later in the same comp I won in a really great match and the teacher was so proud of me and kept praising me and I felt good again and tried to please him and started to think that maybe, I really didn’t try hard enough before. Perhaps they were all right and I was not doing enough, needed to train even more. That’s then I started staying up till like 2am every day to fit in more training time. I was exhausted in school, I was tired, I was upset, I was done. I started to mess up my games. I would start strong, I would have a winning match on the board, but then I would freak out by thinking about how bad everyone would react if I lost it now and that would then make me lose my games. In a chess comp everyone can go watch your games, they can walk past your table and watch your game while you play it. My dad never did because it made me nervous and he actually accepted that, but my teachers sure did. So this one teacher would walk past, stand there, stare at the board and see that I was winning. Then he would walk away and I knew he knew I was winning and I would freak out. I started to actually mess up some games because of that. After a game I had to always analyse it with my teacher (during the game you write down all the moves), so we would sit down somewhere and play the game I just played on the board and he would comment on everything I did wrong. Now imagine having lost a winning game, it was horrible. So I had to deal with him again and his anger and him being upset and him telling me how I could do so much better. Also I didn’t even talk about the other kids who competed and had the same teachers, they knew I was the “talented one”, the one the teachers loved. Haha, yes, they sure did love me. I might have gotten most of the attention, but I absolutely hated it. It turned my friends against me (who i needed more than ever), it made me feel uncomfortable, it put me on a pedestal and set me up to fail. When they lost, it was nothing special, when I lost, it was the end of the world. Our teachers would make comments in front of everyone, everyone would look at me to see if I snapped, if I cried, if I broke, they were just waiting for it (and i can’t blame them). It was hell and I will never foget this one day, it was during winter and I just had lost a game. I was devastated, I didn’t dare to go into our hotel room and tell my dad, so I went outside. I considered ending my life there and then. I had been suicidal, but this day, that was the worst. I will never forget it. I didn’t do it, I couldn’t really think, I didn’t really have any strength, so I just walked and lay down in the snow somewhere and didn’t get up for several hours till I couldn’t feel my body anymore due to the cold. Now my boy felt like my insides, cold and numb. I don’t really remember what happened after that, but I did face my dad and his disappointment. I was 13 then, I continued to play chess competitively till I was 17.

4 more years. 4 more ears of this shit, but I grew stronger and somehow managed it all. I lost my “love” for the game (i don’t even know if i ever loved it, or just liked it), I could never find out how much I liked it on my own because from the day I walked into this club, my life had changed and everyone around me thought they could dictate it for me, had it all planned out for me. Knew what my future was going to be (travelling the world, winning comps and earning my money like that). No one asked what I wanted, no one cared. I wish I had had a mother with me, just someone at home protecting me. I don’t like Christi, I really don’t, but I always wished I had a mum who would scream at my teachers like that, who would go crazy seeing how I was treated. It can make such a huge difference. You can be treated like shit, but if you know you have someone sticking up for you, you know you have a home to go to where you will be save and loved, it makes such a differnce. That’s when I was most angry with Melissa. She used to just sit there when Kenz or Maddie were treated like shit, she didn’t do a thing. Maybe sometimes that was for the best because Abby would take out her anger with a parent on the kid, but I still wish she would have done something. I remember when Abby was crying when the moms refused to let the kids in the studio and then later Maddie was with her and Abby cried and told her how she let her down etc, it broke my heart because this reminded me so much of some situation I had to go through. The teacher putting all their own problems on the student, the parents doing nothing. Maddie didn’t have Melissa to stick up for her, she was pretty much alone. Having someone who sticks up for you is so important. You can somehow deal with the screaming, with the craziness because you know someone will have your back, will fight for you, will tell your teacher how messed up they are. I wish I had had someone like this fight for me, but I did not. I was alone, I kept all my anger and anxiety and hurt inside, didn’t tell anyone and it ate me. It destroyed me, it drove me into depression. I am 23 now and I’m still messed up. I want to please everyone, I have to be the best at everything I do, I’m scared of letting my prof down in case my exam isn’t a perfect 100% because I know he thinks highly of me and now I can’t let him down. I actually hate it when people tell me they think highly of me because this means I will disappoint them at some point, I will let them down. I prefer people not noticing me or thinking I’m not that good so I can prove them wrong. It’s easier that way for me. But at the same time I want them to notice me, I want them to see I can do it and that I’m good at what I do. It’s a vicious cicle and I can’t get out. I’m caught in it, I know what’s wrong, I know what was done to me was wrong, I know that, but it doesn’t help much. I learned to deal with it somehow. I have developed techniques to deal with my anxiety, things I always tell myself whenever it starts again. But it will be here with me forever. I don’t think I’ll ever really get over it. It’s the result of years and years of emotional abuse. I wasn’t aware that what was happening to me was wrong. I was just a kid who wanted to make everyone happy, live up to their expectations. When someone screamed at me and called me names, I knew that was wrong, I had been told that. You don’t call people names. So I was hurt, but I knew I was in the right. That’s how I managed it. But the emotional abuse, you don’t see it, you don’t know it’s happening, you start thinking you are the problem, you start hating yourself and it messes you up. Just because you don’t “see” emotional abuse as clearly as verbal abuse doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt just as much, that it can’t mess you up, because it does. It broke me. More than any words ever could. Now I’m not saying it’s worse than verbal abuse, it was for me, personally, worse. Everyone is different, everyone struggles with different problems. I suffered from seperation anxiety due to my paren’t divorce, I was already prone to wanting to please people and emotional abuse plays with that, it plays with your feelings, it makes you feel like you are the problem. So for me personally it was horrible. For another person the verbal abuse can break them. But that’s not the question, it doesn’t matter which kind of abuse you go through, what matters is that you were hurt, someone hurt you and it’s not your fault and no one, no one is allowed to tell you how to feel about it, how to deal with it. No one should say “so and so is dealing better with it”, you don’t know shit. You don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life, you don’t know what demons might hunt them, you know nothing. It’s not your right to judge other people’s feelings, to make a competition out of fucking child abuse! You don’t like Maddie, you don’t like Chloe, I don’t fucking care, but don’t you dare make a competition out of something which was abuse and which hurt them. It only shows you don’t really care about any of them because using a dark chapter of someone’s life for your own sick argument is the worst! You also only saw one side to it on reality TV, you don’t know what happened behind closed doors, you don’t know anything. Also yes, they will probably not see what you wrote, but others do. Othes who have experienced something similar and I can tell you for sure that I was hurt. Because a lot of stuff which happened to Maddie, happened to me and I personally did not deal well, I suffered and reading how she had it good because she was praised and put on a pedestal, it fucking hurts and I’m telling you right now, I did not want any of that, I hated it and it was just a little part in a much bigger game, the problem was far more complex, it always is and what you see is such a little bit of the real issue going on. Even in this way too long and very messy post (sorry about that!), I only told you one small part of what happend to me, a small glimpse, I left out the worst, I left out so much, I just took some things to paint a picture. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life, even if you think you might because a huge part of it was shown on TV and it’s wrong to judge them and their feelings. Maddie was only 8 when the show started, she didn’t have a mum fighting for her, defending her, she was on TV, cameras following, increasing the pressure already on her. I am honestly so impressed how she dealt with it and I am so happy that Sia is in her life and such a good influence. Telling her to only do what makes her happy and all that, I would have needed such a woman in my life, it makes such a difference. I feel for Maddie, I can imagine what she went through and it’s not as glorious as many of you believe. All the girls suffered, each differently because they are different persons and were treated differently and had to deal with different problems. It’s not anyone’s right to judge that, to compare it, to make a sick competition out of it. It just shows your disregard for any of their feelings and it’s sick and I’m sick of it and I won’t discuss this with you either, it’s just wrong. Neither of us know what goes on, really goes on in their lifes and how they feel. I don’t know what Maddie felt, I can only imagine it because similar things happened to me, but I don’t know. And that’s all, have a good day.