#i love being untrammeled about riverdale

[riverdale-retread]

You get to rewrite Riverdale to add one masturbation scene. You can't show genitals but it can be as graphic as you want otherwise. Tell me who it involves, where you would put it, what they are thinking of, and why it is your choice.

Oh it has to be Bret Weston Wallis, on Jughead's bed in the dorm room he shares/d with Jughead, thinking about Jughead letting him ride the way Betty does. I was torn between whether I would put this right after he makes the first revenge porn sex tape of Bughead or after the Ides of March when Jughead is allegedly 'dead' or the night after Donna Sweet slaps him for being stupid, but then I remember he's 18, so it's not like there's a limit on how much he wants to jack off, hence, I choose all of the above. Why is it my choice? Because nobody in canon- and I mean, truly, nobody - burned for Jughead as brightly, as hotly, as desperately, as Bret Weston Wallis. And that actor whose name escapes me? Sean Depner. He would be so good at making it the most uncomfortable, cringey, pathetic thing you've ever seen. I want him to have his moment.

I will admit that my first thought was Jughead about Archie etc bc that's the brain rot I have right now but to be perfectly honest? Whenever Jughead narrates in canon about Varchie hooking up, calling them, "the young lovers" like he's not a baby himself? That's a masturbation scene, right there.

[riverdale-retread]

Riverdale S6B Ep #103 (The Town)

A very normal-length episode recap with completely neutral & fair minded opinions.  Spoiler warning!   I will say, that if this whole bit with the superpowers and the Evil Englishman is somehow still connected to Bunker Rivervale Jughead Narration Creator, then he’s really confronting his unrequited yearning for Archie Andrews in this episode.

When Jughead Jones decides to do something, he always chooses the most difficult possible way of doing it.  When he became a gang leader he decided to be Moses and Jesus and also everyone’s underage father.    When he wanted to be a genre novelist he had the genre happen to him, becoming the dead body that the whodunit was trying to solve. He played dead on a gurney at the morgue and everything.  You can be a hipster writer in New York City without having a drug dealing girlfriend or the mob after you but what would be the fun in  that? So now that he’s decided to a journalist and newspaper runner for his small hometown, Jughead Jones decides he must publish the most incendiary, anti-Riverdale take down submission of all time, and anonymously, at that, taking on the burden of protecting this provocateur himself.  Because of course he does.

In the opening narration, where Tabitha is concerned to be reading this ‘submission’ that Jughead published, Jughead Jones is talking to a “you.” Has he done this before? Break the fourth wall while narrating?  He wants me (and me specifically) to know that he can read thoughts and is still hearing impaired.  Jughead is lying to everyone including his friends that his hearing has returned.  

The question asked is if he’s a bad person for lying to everyone. I say no. “I can read your mind” only makes him sound insane on top of being deaf, for one. People generally don’t react well to magic powers that are this invasive, even in fairytales. It’s not a great choice, sure, but it’s the Jughead Jones way of caring for people he loves - By resisting burdening them with his last possible strand of strength. 

One of the anachronisms I adore about Riverdale is that every person keeps reading a printed hard copy of the paper, obsessively, daily, like smartphones and twitter don’t exist.  Sweet Pea read Alice’s newspaper back in the day, and now Alice reads Jughead’s with … her boyfriend Uncle Fucking Frank. (Shout out to the tumblrina who pointed out that whenever Betty fucks a boy, Alice feels compelled to fuck the boy’s nearest blood relation) (also wondering if this is why Archie refused to date Betty when his dad was alive - he couldn’t do that to Fred).  Reggie and Veronica, and Fangs and Toni all read the paper during their different morning routines.  Veggie haven’t gone to bed yet, and Fangs & Toni are hoping the baby sleeps a bit longer.  Cheryl is very pleased, and the Keller men, because I guess they’re both too macho to cook, are breakfasting at the diner. 

The thing is, Percival is not wrong - there is no performing arts or culture is Riverdale, and when even when it wasn’t quite so blighted it needed to try to recruit teen gang members as deputies to try to clear out the Gargoyles and so forth.  But then the show does a pivot to talk about the “Homeless encampments around every corner.”  Percival is extremely pleased to see his writing in print, so he smiles as he tells Pop Tate he’s very pleased to have moved to Riverdale.  The funny thing is - the writer does not attack the dire stupidity and tokenist representation on the so called counsel, four unelected officials that apparently wield an immense amount of power in the town:  A crazy lady (Alice, you are crazy), a mercenary and petty criminal,  Minnie Mouse gang leader-bar tender who somehow is also given untrammeled access to children, and the girl who has only recently moved to Riverdale to work at her grandpa’s ailing business.   This is intentional, of course.  

The article does not actually mention Archie (He owns - apparently??- a functional business and not in a gang - anymore? - and his sins of violence are not known to Percival - I guess?) but in any case, Archie is pissed.

And that’s what it comes around to, in the end, no?  

Jughead aimed this take-down article at Archie in particular.  Jughead fully knew that its contents amounted to a “razor blade that cut to the very heart of Riverdale,” and published it anyway,  after YEARS of calling Archie Riverdale’s soul, spirit, heart, symbol etc etc. It landed fair and square.  “With no author named, who would take the brunt of blowback but…” is delivered in a long-suffering, irritated way but c’mon Jughead. You wanted to hear Archie think thoughts about you.  You also wanted to take a razor blade to cut into his heart the way he’s done to you since Ep 4.17.  Let’s be real here, ok?   This has to be the most convoluted way of pulling someone’s pigtails to show you ‘like’ them.  You published this article anonymously so that Archie would have NO CHOICE but to talk to YOU.

“Here we go,” Jughead sighs (faux unhappily = happily).   Archie thinks - BACKSTABBER! This constant worry about stabbing Archie in the back and being stabbed in turn is a constant in their relationship. Calling Riverdale the “worst town in America” is a bit harsh, so I give Archie that.  America has like, full on KKK /Nazi towns that POC point out on maps as places to avoid while driving from point A to B. 

Archie asks Jughead: “Why would you publish something like this??” at school (where they’re still coaching and teaching).  Jughead ends up just telling Archie (who doesn’t get it) his true emotional intentions behind publishing this article:  “Let me interview you, and I’ll publish it next week.”  Oh honey.  It’s so desperate, Jughead’s need for Archie’s attention, care and involvement.  Archie probably avoided ‘saying’ anything to Jughead after that initial conversation about his hearing loss, I reckon, because that’s how Archie has been to Jughead post time jump.  And Archie is just a brute - “No screw that!” is his simple concise answer.  Archie doesn’t want to do anything private with Jughead - he wants him to come to the town hall.

Meanwhile at Thornhill, Britta is visiting Grandmistress Rose in her prison. Britta is just such a resilient kiddo - survived homophobic parents, expulsion from her home,  witnessed a demon(?) possession, an exorcism (that Nana Rose called something else), the derangement/ possession of her only guardian, and the trauma of watching an old woman get tossed into a medieval dungeon in the house she lives in. The idea of Cheryl being not quite dissipated into nothing and instead imprisoned in a ‘mental jail’ is the thing that brings this feisty kiddo to some level of alarm.  Nana Rose is the catchall character for all whackadoo magical things.  Sleeping next to someone if they possessed you once is enough to let you inception yourself into their ‘dreamscape.’    The thing is, Britta belongs here because she hears this story and her immediate next reaction is  I COULD DRUG HER TEA. OK but which drugs are these?  Britta has dream-inception drugs that can be dissolved into a tea??  And like all good fairy stories the old witch sets an arbitrary deadline: Britta must ‘emerge’ from the dream faster than Abigail or there will be ‘wrath’(undefined) bear. 

We get a preview of the mental jail that Britta is going to have to brave, literally ‘through a looking glass.’  This next bit was AMAZING.  Riverdale is doing Mommy Dearest!!!.  Penelope Blossom is doing a nightmare parody of Faye Dunaway doing a parody of Joan Crawford as presented by an adopted daughter who absolutely hated her.  They gave the Penelope actress the extremely rigid eyebrows and the big shoulder outfits.  The Blossom twins all their mother, Dearest Mumsy, in unison. 

Jughead is at the town meeting, sitting in the corner, listening in on people’s thoughts.  “Who wrote the article? Probably Alice” is one thought that he hears.  The way this meeting devolves is very interesting.  Alice thinks there is much to ‘dispute’ about the article, but the thing she hates the most is Veronica and Reggie with their casino (but somehow not a gang?).  Veronica tries to makes a case for herself (she brings tourists and employs the locals). Alice says that the true beneficiaries of a casino are its owners. Alice is a moron - this is how capitalism works, babe, not just casinos.  Veronica is sitting right next to Archie but he acts like he doesn’t see her. He only wants to know who wrote the article. 

The writer of the article was Percival.   Toni says Percival’s great great grandfather (on his dad’s side) having led genocide against her ancestors would be a strike against Percival pointing out that Riverdale as a town sucks (and that the Serpents under Toni’s rule kind of suck as is having to deal with on-going gang warfare between weaksauce gangs also sucks).  

Archie ups the ante by daring Percival to come up with ‘real solutions.’   He wasn’t ready for  Percival actually having any, so he instead offers to punch his lights out.   Percival follows the fascist playbook down to the T - he attacks the people on the margins that everyone present has mixed feelings about:  homeless people in Sketch Alley.  Percival  wants to ‘bus-out’ the homeless. What does it mean to HUMANELY bus the homeless out? Bus them where?   Archie counters with a good statement - that you can’t just bus people out of your town - and with a lie “Riverdale takes care of its own.”  But it really doesn’t though.  That’s just not true. They let all those Southside Serpents live a tent village.  Alice Cooper is the prototypical Riverdale resident and she doesn’t even look after her own children.

The homeless are not present to speak for themselves, so the correct things that Archie says (the most destitute are still citizens of the place) rings kind of hollow.

And in any case, when put on the spot, Archie doesn’t have a direct answer for what he would propose instead, and Jughead gets immensely excited: And thus began the battle for Riverdale’s soul, he proclaims.  Which really means, I finally have a project I created for myself and Archie.

Because you know, when Archie creates projects, like his recent Saving Riverdale 1.0 - Avengers Assemble, he only really assigns a tertiary-at-best role for Jughead. Jughead doesn’t bring capital, like Veronica, nor muscle and firepower, like Betty.  If Jughead can control the project, by contrast, he’ll put Archie first, and himself second.   Even better, Betty is out of town while Veronica and Archie act like they’ve never met, so Jughead can really have Archie to himself.  Old habits die really hard.

Abigail comes home to Thornhill where Britta is wearing her long hair in braided devil’s horns. I KNEW THAT HER ELABORATE BRAIDS MEANT SOMETHING!  I love Britta signaling her devilish intentions through her hair. Britta offers to provide handmaid services to Abigail, who accepts them without question.  Britta (like the young Jughead and the young Cheryl) is in a situation that’s hair raisingly terrifying if you stop and think about it too much (her guardian is either demon possessed or completely insane, and the only other adult present has been locked into a dungeon and tells her to drug the guardian OH MY).

Jughead shows up at the Andrews house, where he’s now twice lived in (or attempted to) and twice got kicked (or rather BLOWN UP) out of. The first thing he says is, Don’t punch me in a sardonic, flat way. He tells Archie the obvious, that he himself had been homeless more than once (I mean, if he and Tabitha, god forbid, break up, doesn’t he go right back to being homeless??).    Then come the Riverdale the Show’s statement about the unhoused/homeless/destitute: All of them are without exception good people who deserve resources.   Archie points out that Jughead didn’t say anything at the meeting, but Archie still doesn’t get it.  Jughead needs this 1:1 discussion and buy-in from Archie about their joint project before he’s going to involve himself in this project.  Jughead gives Archie the idea of giving a micro home for everyone in Sketch Alley, and he thought of this in particular because Archie has a construction business.  Of course Archie says yes - this was tailor made for him by a person who’s loved him forever.

Britta with her little devil’s horn hair somehow (Tea + Whooshing sound) invades Abigail/ Cheryl’s dream mindscape where Penelope Blossom is hamming it up to high heaven with an accent that’s vaguely Southern and Mid-Atlantic at the same time.  Cheryl in the dreamscape is in time out, weeping at her own birthday party.  Britta bravely stands up to Penelope on Cheryl’s behalf.  When the dream-inhabitants give Britta a stern look, she escapes the dream, waking up shortly before Abigail.

Reggie and Veronica are in their office with the portrait of Hiram in the space.  Veronica wants to make the casino a clean business because she wants to rehabilitate the Lodge name and contribute to ‘fixing’ Riverdale.  Reggie reminds her that going ‘legit’ is going to be highly expensive, so Veronica gives the go ahead, which is fine enough, but then she does something very peculiar - she wants to hang up a portrait of her dad as a sort of hate-watch, so she can be reminded of who she doesn’t want to be like. This is not how that works.

Percival is buttering up Alice to vote his way at her house.  I don’t know why this scene was necessary - Alice would’ve voted to bury the homeless alive if she thought enough people would go for it. I hope Percival serviced Alice after we pan away (Uhh minors DNI?).

We’re at another town council meeting.  Veronica and Reggie present their proposal for a Riverdale as Atlantic City.   She wants to open an arcade.  Frank says there are too many broken people in Riverdale for a casino to be a ‘good’ option.   So both Frank, who lives off of his nephew that he just described as broken, and Alice, former cult member and child abuser, that the idiotic core four elevated to these unelected super powerful positions and have moreover never launched nor run any sort of successful business are basically naysaying the only person with any sort of entrepreneurial spirit in Riverdale.  Oh boy.  

Next up is Archie, mouthing the things that Jughead told him to say.  Toni likes it, so does Tabitha (who mentions that she’s seen these mini houses in Chicago, which means this was where Jug got this idea from).  Alice says no, because it’s expensive, and Percival points out that his plan is very low cost.   

Archie and Percival have their tete-a-tete, long overdue.  Percival points out the obvious, that Alice (“your neighbors”) would rather the homeless problem disappear.  He basically describes what NIMBY is which Archie describes as warped and cynical.  

Archie  calls on Toni and Tabitha to ask for money ($25K per) to build the microhomes, and both women say yes.  Jughead takes Archie and other irrelevant people to Sketch Alley to let them know they’re going to build them the microhomes.  Doc looks really happy, so you know it’s going to turn to shit, because Doc is tied to Jughead, and Riverdale is a story about taking nice things away from Jughead Jones (If Tabitha dies I will riot).

Reggie meanwhile is giving Veronica a big reality check.  That they can’t go ‘legit’ and ever turn a profit.  And just on the heels of this piece of sobering news they’re told that ‘something bad’ has happened in the ‘private’ gambling room.   A man has committed suicide in there.  These two hard nosed criminals (that’s what they are) talk about what they should do to save their long term business interests right in front of a dangling corpse.  Veronica decides to call the Deus Ex Machina Godson. 

Britta has drugged Abigail a second time to have a go at inception again.  Her hair is back in the demon braids.  I love this hairdo on her, it makes her look like Irish Chun Lee.  She finds Cheryl, but they barely have any time to talk before Penelope Blossom reenacts Mommy Dearest for us all, making her kids  scrub the floors. She even mentions the hanger!  

Next day at Sketch Alley, people are building things without any sort of training somehow and I’m supposed to think this is all good. That is, until Doc wallops Kevin across the head with a hammer. (Who is looking after Baby Anthony right now?)

Alice is all over it at her news channel or whatever that is. What is that?  It’s an opinion channel that commentates on current events?  Tabitha, Toni and Archie are at the diner and very concerned.  Tabitha and Archie are still all in on this very losing endeavor, the microhouses.  I think I’m supposed to think they are good and kind people, but I am not.  I want these two very young women who are struggling running a diner and a bar in a dying town to just look after number one a bit, or at least, their own employees, instead of pursuing this cockamamie plan with Archie.  But that’s because I dislike Archie. 

Reggie has done an interesting thing to actually investigate why the gambler suicided in the private room - he’d been winning huge!  It turns out Percival was literally whispering in his ear.  Okay then.  But they don’t have much time to discuss this because Abuelita’s Godson shows up to ask where the body is.  I love Reggie’s “Jeez, cut to the chase much?”   Reggie like crimes of a financial nature, and Jughead (in Killing Mr Honey) had been very prescient that he would be ill at ease with murder, corpse desecration and other wet work (ooooh I got to say that like I am a tough person).  Geraldo is not amused by his humor.

Britta consults with Grandmistress Rose about Cheryl’s situation.  Is Nana Rose’s character that she’s going through early stages of dementia? Because she goes through lucid phases like this where she’s quite coherent about the underlying family dysfunction (“Penelope has always been Cheryl’s tormentor”) and other times when she’s just gleefully doing batshit insane things without a care in the world.   Poor Britta.  She’s tasked with figuring out the solution to this strange magic/witchcraft/ demon coma problem that the Blossom women have created amongst themselves. 

Percival Pickens knows the power of showing up for people.  He seems to be the only person who actually visited Kevin in the hospital. (Toni, Archie and Tabitha absolutely have not, though they care).   Never underestimate the power of physical presence, friends.  When you want to influence someone, SHOW UP IN PERSON. 

Benjamin Moore donated the paint for future houses, is what Archie says, in front of the finished microhouse. Is this SUBTLE product placement? Or was this Riverdale the Show trying to solicit a sponsorship?  Or are they trying to pressure Benjamin Moore the company to make donations to homeless shelters and microhomes?  …. Youtubers with less than 10K subscribers do a much better job of advertisement for sponsors that Riverdale.  Jabitha and Farchie (Frank and Archie probably fuck, I don’t know, I hate Frank so much) are very happy in the parking lot.

Abuelita’s Godson wants to help Veronica’s business by putting out the word to ‘the wise guys.’  He’s trying to help, so Veronica wants him to investigate Percival Pickens.  The fact that nobody (neither Journalist Alice nor Journalist Jughead) have actually done this is an indictment for both.

Within a single evening, the model microhouses they set up in front of the Diner has been graffitied nastily.  Archie punches the hell out of his car.  Our hero.   Meanwhile, Jughead visits Doc, to ask why he attacked Kevin.  Is this what happens to all of Jughead Jones’s father figures?  They get visits from a very disappointed Jughead while behind bars?   Doc completely takes it as a given that Jughead can read his thoughts. Okay then.

At long last, Jughead has a 1:1 with Percival.  Jughead opens strong by lobbing a Gandhi quote at an Englishman.   I wish the show had let this have a little bit of room to breathe, because that is very, very funny, not just because of Gandhi v Evil Englishman but also because it’s one smug white man doing this to another smug white man.   Jughead gets caught “rooting around inside” Percival’s mind.   Jughead is so scared.

Britta is left handed, with lovely penmanship and knows her way around a fountain pen.  She’s trying to dream inception to rescue Cheryl again.   This time, Cheryl’s hair is all torn up, weeping in a chair in a sailor outfit.  Britta tries to wake Cheryl out of it, but they’re caught by Penelope.  Dream Penelope can tell IMMEDIATELY that Britta is both sapphic and a slut. Awesome Gaydar you got there.  Penelope has to be gay. She has to.   I love the white flowers on Britta’s sweater.  She leaves the note for Cheryl as she gets kicked out of the dream house.   Penelope’s hunched-shoulder flailing around in a rage is EXCEPTIONALLY delicious.  Cheryl, just from this one note from Britta, recovers herself entirely, lipstick, bustier and all. 

Next morning, Jabitha, Frank and Toni are repainting the microhouses.  Just as Jughead is about to convey important information about Percival’s mind bending powers, the man himself shows up to announce that the homeless have been successfully ejected from Riverdale. 

The new fivesome (?) visit the emptied out Sketch Alley that evening (I don’t know why they couldn’t go right away?).  It’s Frank, Toni, Archie in the center, Tabitha and Jughead. I like that there’s more for Tabitha to do than be Girl-Friday for everyone and Toni doesn’t have to try to be some sort of tough which she can’t do, but I HATE THIS LINE UP. The two POC women are still completely subordinate to the whims of Archie Andrews, and they’re the ones taking the biggest risks with their businesses.  

Cheryl is back to herself so she’s visiting Britta in her dreams to say they have to drive Abigail out of Cheryl’s body.

Everyone is applauding Percival for his successfully clearing out Sketch Alley.  Alice is one of the people applauding. I hope once again that she got cunnilingus at least out of this.  Sheriff Keller hires Percival as a deputy and the core four are peeved.  Jughead finally makes a mistake where he assumes that someone he wasn’t looking at said the thought he overheard - Archie gives Jughead a dire look. 

Alice loves exercising all this power over other people. Saying no to people, getting in their way, kicking people out of their own businesses.  Why Alice suddenly despises Veronica (other than Percival’s interference?) seems unsupported to me so I feel the same sort of boredom I feel about any other sort of unmotivated villainy.

As a result, Veronica decides to be her Daddykins’ daughter after all, which is music to Reggie’s ears (he wants to run scams!).  Abuelita’s Iceman says he couldn’t find anything on Percival.  Betty comes back to the Andrews residence, saying she’s lost TBK (what else is new) but she’s acquired an affliction in the form of terrible migraines.  Archie tells Betty that Jughead can read minds, and that Percival Pickens can control people’s minds.   He says the whole town is in trouble. 

I wonder why they didn’t show this very important discussion between Jughead and Archie? Is it because Archie was as indifferent, brutal and irritable as he’d been about Jughead’s deafness?  

In his commonplace book, Percival writes “Jughead Jones ,Mind reader??” but his penmanship is much worse than Britta’s.  He has a murder board set up with Core Four and Uncle Frank.