#i love being gagged it’s one of the fastest ways to make me stupid

[finn-ray-nal-beads]

jameson whiskey send tweet. BLOWHOLE.

A/N: WHALE, WHALE, WHALE KITTEN... here we are... another installment of the siren series with Captain Flip and finding his sultry sea maiden! I hope ya like it kitten @maybe-your-left 🖤. I did a few time jumps to cement the story a little further. If you haven’t read the beginning of my Blowhole series please refer to it in my Masterlist under the Flip Request section for context. 

Warnings: Mild angst, pining (from Flip and us too), mostly plot hardly any porn I’m sorry everyone, mentions of alcohol, mentions of possessive behaviors, masturbation, Flip is an irritable motherfucker as usual, and of course pirate slang slathered throughout the entire story, coupled with Little Mermaid slurs

(Y/N’s POV, the day you saved Flip) 

You startled awake, gasping as a flurry of bubbles left your lips, a nightmare that had stirred you awake from your restless sleep. 

You rubbed your tired eyes, stretching your muscles and tail from the king-sized clamshell bed in your extravagant palace of opalescent towers, gazing out at the majesty of the underwater mecca you’d called home. 

The bustling of merfolk swimming in all directions, schools of fish making their ways in and out of the caverns, and the heart of the city blossoming with light as the shining palace glistened in the light of the morning. 

It was truly a paradise in the depths of a trackless sea, an epicenter of life only visible to those seeking it out the most. And in this hustle and bustle, you felt lost. 

The longing to be free from the chains you’d been given since birth only growing as your age advanced. Being the daughter of the king of the ocean had its perks, including the charmed life you’d grown to know and love. Showered with affection and attention by all who had come to know you, attending galas and balls weekly, being taught the highest educational studies the merpeople could offer, and the access to the most precious possessions in the ocean, to which any man or woman would kill to have. 

But the worst part of all of this was your indifference to it. Yes, as a child the affection and material prizes were all the rage, but as you got smarter, grew into the stunning beauty you were, so was the pressure to uphold the family traditions. 

Those included taking your rightful place on the thrown, with the strongest merman as your king to lead the people in keeping the peace between land and sea, just as your father had done and his father before him. 

This had been cemented into your studies from your preschool years and on, the consequences racking up as your age did, and the pressure to find a suitor as well, which nauseated you to no end. 

One evening at dinner, you’d not been in the mood for foolish tricks, settling to quietly consume your seafood as your parents droned on and on about foreign relations with the land folk and treaties of such nature that you’d tuned out. 

“My darling,” your mother prompted as you were pulled from your distant state, “you haven’t even touched your food. What’s going on sweetheart?” gazing as you shrugged, rolling the shrimp on your fork and pushing your palm into your cheek. 

“It’s nothing mother,” sighing as you took a sip from your chalice, avoiding all eye contact with both parents while the room grew more silent. 

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with her,” your father booming out, stuffing his face with the delicacies like the titan he was, “she’s neglecting her duties!” smacking his lips together and boring his eyes into yours. 

“I am not!” slamming your fork down to lift yourself from your chair, “you don’t even know what it’s like to be me!” tears welling in your eyes as he lifted his hulking body to meet your eye-level. 

“Do not raise your voice at me, Y/N!” he commanded, a swirl of water whirl pooling as he grew angrier and angrier, “you will comply with my choices and you will marry one of our chosen suitors by the end of the full moon celebrations!” forcing an imaginary hold on you to stay in your seat. 

“It’s time you stop fucking around, Y/N!” he bellowed, your emotional state the furthest from his mind as he stuffed tradition down your throat, “you’re not getting any younger!” cementing his point to cause you to wail out in a pained cry. 

“Let me go, father!” squirming in his magical grip as you struggled to release your body from all of the stresses of being in the family, “I don’t want to be someone’s possession! I want to be in love!” screaming with pained tears as you writhed free from him. 

“Love!” he chuckled, the word a foreign thing to him as he married your mother for the sake of treaty, “my sweet stupid siren, you know nothing of love because it doesn’t exist!” his laughs ringing through the dining hall as you sobbed into your hands, your mother trying to comfort you as you were given the harsh reality of the rest of your days in the palace. Her silent tears falling under the mixture of your hurt as well as her own sad significance to her husband.

“Y-you’re w-wrong!” you stifled, heavy cries releasing from your lungs as you grasped for something to parch your aching thirst, wiping the heavy tears that dissipated into the saltwater. 

“Y-you’re s-so w-wrong f-father!” speeding your tail out of the great hall, the echo of his angered voice radiating through the hall as you burst out of the castle, swimming at the fastest speeds you could. 

Your tears clouding your directions as you rocketed through the masses of folk passing through the town square, fish hurrying their way out of yours as you cried through your pain. 

“I-I’ve got to g-get out of h-here!” you hiccuped as the lights faded from your view, the darkness of the ocean enveloping you in a mysterious veil as you tried to curb your sobs. 

You stilled your breath, stopping in the abyss to gather your surroundings, knowing you were far enough from home for your father to pull you back with his vortex with the flick of his wrist. Scoffing in sobs and flipping the bird in the direction as a thunderous roll hummed through the ocean. 

The light from above striking the surface in a lightning cloud as thunder boomed from the skies, your eyes gazing at the majesty from below as you solitarily floated in the swells, watching the huge waves ebb over each other in a frenzy. 

Suddenly, a huge object grew over the surface, the oval shape of it covering the crackling sky above, pulling you towards it like a beacon. 

Your tail moving unconsciously as you neared the large wooden hull, noticing its undoubtedly characteristic figures from the books you’d nosed through in your study. 

“Holy sh-,” barely getting the words out as a crack of light shot through the bottom of the ship, sending debris into the seas as the wooden vessel disintegrated before you. 

Bodies strewn amongst barrels of alcohol, cannonballs, and masts fell to the depths of the ocean, maneuvering the wreckage as you surveyed the devastation. 

Amongst the chaos, floating in the ebbs of the depths, you noticed the most striking being you’d ever come across in your years. His ravened hair flowing in the ocean as his lifeless body rag-dolled in the currents, his chiseled features glimmering in the crackling lightning as you came closer to his hulking figure. 

Running your scaled hands over his nose, his facial hair, his plush lips as you finally came to grips with what you had to do. Taking his dead weight into your arms as you turbo your way from the shipwreck, the bubbles trailing your tail as you figured out your next move. 

The panic set in when you realized this man wasn’t like you, his pulse no doubt fading the longer he was under the ocean. 

You hastily tried to find a speck of sand, bobbing your head up and down out of the water as you clung to the surface, trying to give him the slightest bit of oxygen as the thunder rolled over the stormy seas. 

“Come the fuck on!” you cried out, looking left and right as you caught the glimpse of a palm tree wavering in the hurricane winds several miles away. 

You barreled yourself and your extra weight towards the shores, dragging his thick muscle onto the sand as the wind howled through the patch of trees settled in the middle of nowhere. 

Laying him out on his back, trying to shield him from the ebbs of the shores, and the debris flying through the air as you surrounded him with your slick tail. Holding his deadened face in your chest as you covered him from the turbulence above. 

“Dammit, dad!” grunting into his ravened hair, cursing the swells that had grown familiar to you when he’d been stirred the wrong way, “would you fucking calm down?!” yelling into the thundering greyness that only swirled into a bigger frenzy as you gave it life. 

“Fine!” you screamed out, the swells howling as the clapping continued over the vast sea, “I’ll do whatever you fucking want, just please, stop this tantrum!” tears streaming down your face as the words left your lips, sentencing you to a life of loveless encounters all for the good of the merpeople. 

Upon your claims, clouds cracked, the thunder dissipated, and the waves calmed as if there hadn’t been a tsunami wrecking the open ocean in the slightest. Seagulls squawked as they elevated into the clear blue sky, the smell of the sea penetrating your aching lungs. 

The sun crept through the whitening clouds, beaming its light on the tanned shores, your eyes squinting as the tears steamed off your cheeks in the searing fireball. Choking on air as you savored the last moments of your freedom, feeling the land beneath you and the spray of the seashore on your tear-stained face.

“T-thank you,” the bile straining from your throat as you gagged back the fake appreciation, looking back to your sailor, his skin glowing in the sunlight as you removed your tail from his body. 

He stirred underneath you, heaving his chest as he puked up seawater, gasping for air as he writhed on the sand. 

“H-holy f-fuck!” grunting out, trying to shield his eyes as you quickly shape-shifted to avoid more shocking revelations from your handsome stranger. 

His thick pectorals straining in his shirt as he coughed up more spit and water, trying to grip himself back to reality. 

His eyes straining upwards towards your silhouette, the frame of the sunlight sitting perfectly on your glistening face, your nude form covered in sand as it clung to the beads of water sporadically strewn on your legs and arms. 

“H-hello?” he strained out, taking in your features as you melted in his amber gaze below, his honeyed bellow rippling through your shocked body embracing you in a warmth hotter than the beating sun. 

Your breath left with the tropical winds as you watched him sit up towards you, his chiseled tanned features becoming more human as he gained more consciousness. You felt something you’d only read in storybooks, something you had hoped for, ever since you were a guppy.

You stared at him, watching his chest heave in and out, his rippling arms gathering himself to sit up, his grunted breaths penetrating the sea air over the waves crashing around him. 

“Well good morning to you too, sailor,” you sang out in the most enchanting melody possible, losing yourself in lust as the morning peaked over the palm trees. 

Figuring that you had sentenced yourself to a lifetime of duty to your people, what was the harm in getting at least one romantic fling before heading back to reality? 

And it devoured your body up and down, right in the sandy shores of the Atlantic. 

__________________

(Flip’s POV, in search of Y/N)

The heavy swells of the sea cast over the proud Jolly Roger, relentlessly plowing through the white water in the bright light of an Atlantic morn. The course had been set by the fearless buccaneer in his quest to find his elusive mermaid lover, his focus not wavering even when he laid to rest his eyes at night. 

He filled his head with folktales and legends of the lost city, hoping to find an Easter egg to lead him closer to his precious prize. Every port they landed on, he was nose deep in the libraries, swilling rum to curb his irritation at the exclusivity of information on these folk and where they hid their secrets.

“There has to be something,” he sat in the candlelight, puzzling as he rubbed his ravened mustache, maps and books strewn over his desk, combined with notes he’d added to help or hinder his progress. 

“For fuck’s sake there has to be!” slamming his fist down, throwing the texts on his wooded floor in a thud, rubbing his temples as he filled his cup with another helping of his precious hooch. Slamming a shot or two down with large gulps as he fed the demon brewing within, becoming more and more frustrated at his dwindling expertise. 

He had found treasures buried in the bellies of beasts for God’s sake, been to all corners of the ocean, even dared to look Davey Jones in his squid tentacles and spit on the ground he walked on. It couldn’t be that fucking hard to find his precious scaled dame, who captured his heart and wracked his brain every single day since the moment your sultry eyes met his. 

He got up from his seat, rubbing a hand through his silken waves as he sighed. Taking another swill of his poison to cleanse his dried throat, rubbing his eyes from the headache that had built up in his desperate attempts at finding a sign. 

“I just need to quit for the night,” heavily sighing at his failures, angrily going to remove his effects from his person, his tensed muscles aching as he rubbed the back of his neck in a strained groan. 

“Mmm, fuck,” he growled, stripped down to his skivvies as his half hardened cock waved in the motions of the ebbs and flows of the ship, the pained movements egging the erection to grow harder and harder coupled with his thoughts of you. 

He laid in his chambers, the warm light caressing his freckled skin, showcasing his muscular form as he propped himself to stifle his need for your soft pussy. 

The more he laid staring at the ceiling, the more he conjured up thoughts of you. How perfect your hair glimmered in the warm sunlight, your enchanting eyes swirling in his mind, boring into him as if you had actually been in the room. Your glistening skin that gave off an opalescent hue in the light of the beach that morning, your perfectly pouted lips, begging to be covered in his as you coaxed him to you. 

He laid uncomfortably now, eyes furrowing as he gripped his mast in his thick digits, slipping his wet tip in them to slide the moisture down his veiny shaft, “Y/N,” he whimpered, his mind racing with more images of you that morning, “Y/N please,” begging as he sped up his motions on his throbbing cock. 

Your perfectly plump tits, shimmering on the sand, grit covering parts of your coconut-scented skin, the curve of your ass showcasing your siren charms as you coaxed his mind into his own pleasured memories. 

‘What are you gonna do to me sailor?’ a melodic and enchanting voice ringing through his psyche as he palmed his girth in his hand, his balls tensing as he thought of you and your wiles. 

“Oh fuck darlin’,” he sped up his assault, “I-I’m gonna storm your shores so f-fuckin’ hard,” he groaned, feeling his orgasm build and build on his fantasy of you sand-covered, begging for his cock, “y-you’ll be cummin’ in w-waves on m-my, f-fuck!” he cried out feeling the heat spread over his lower half. 

His motions speeding and squeezing on his Kraken even harder as he finished his thoughts, ‘come on captain,’ you purred, covering your body in more and more sand as it stuck to your glistening curves, ‘blow your load all over me,’ your lips whispering to him as your eyelashes batted in his direction. 

��O-oh f-fuck!” he shouted, his release clouding the image of you as he snapped back to reality. Hot cum spurting in waves as he dumped his wasted spend on his chiseled abs, balls tightening as it cascaded down over his knuckles. 

“M-mother f-fuck,” groaning as he threw his head back into his pillow, feeling the wetness cover his hand as he finished his ministrations, recoiling after it began to feel like too much on his softening cock. 

 He glanced down at the mess, huffing and puffing at the wasted release, shuttering as he saw the amount that had come out of him. He wished it was six feet deep in your velvet cunt. Wished it was dispersing itself in your vacant womb, seeding itself so deep that he’d marked you his forever. 

He shook his head, the ache returning in his temples as he laid there. Completely spent from his quest, wishing you were laying on his chest, smelling your tropical scent on his nostrils. Feeling the kinks and curls of your freshly fucked hair, hearing your sweet breaths escape your lips as he’d try to kiss on them before lulling you to sleep in his chambers. He only wished. 

Suddenly, a series of hasted knocks threw him out of his daydreams, the sound of Ron begging him to open up. 

“Captain! Captain!” he cried, seemingly in distress, as Flip hurried to make himself decent, throwing on his pantaloons and white undershirt, grunting as the knocks came quicker and quicker. 

“Hold the fuck on!” he bellowed, slamming his boots on the wooded floor to kick the books he’d previously thrown from his desk, ready to strangle his mate for disturbing him so late. 

Throwing open the heavy door “what the hell is going on, Ron?” his clearly irritated demeanor causing his buddy to jump back, shying away as his intentions seemed to be overzealous in their action. 

Flip lifted to his full height, crossing his arms to practically cover the doorway, the smallest slivers of light from his room emitting in a halo around his head, huffing his chest to hear what the commotion was about. 

“Uhmmm, Z,” he timidly questioned, not making eye contact with his captain as he knew the second he’d panic knocked, he’d signed a death warrant on himself, “I-I think you need to see this,” leading to the doorway that pulled them on the main deck of the massive ship. 

“See what, Ron?” gritting out as he lumbered behind him, a mixture of puzzled and pissed as he helped him jiggle the latches on the double doors. 

The cool sea air penetrated their faces, the sounds of the waves crashing the hull as it pushed its way in the set course, the night sky spotted with bright stars and a moon that illuminated the entire ocean as his night crew was busy with their chores, raising and lowering the sheets to readjust the direction from the winds. 

Ron led him to the captain’s wheel, being manned by a crewman who had taken Ron’s station for him to alert Flip to the sight. The man scurried away when he saw them approach, Ron gripping the wheel to keep the ship in the right direction as his other hand gripped the telescope laying by the maps given to him. 

“Here,” he gestured, placing the tool in his captain’s hand as he lifted to extend it out to look through, “about two paces to the right from where the ship is headed,” he pointed, to which Flip did as his mate had told him. 

Zeroing in on the spot he’d mentioned, eyes squinting as he took in the scene from the spyglass, “what the fu-?” he adjusted the fine vision on the lens to reveal something he’d never seen before in his life. 

A bright beam of lights, emitting from the horizon, colored in blue and green hues as it danced on the trackless shoreline they were headed. The streams seemed to pulse with life as they danced on the waves, the stars beaming through as the light show continued on and on. 

“What do you think it is?” Ron’s voice, stern but concerned as Flip closed the glass to glance over at him. 

He huffed, stalking over to the maps on the other side, looking at them to see what the answer could possibly be, caressing his goatee as he forked through the latitudes and longitudes. 

Dragging his large index finger over the directions he’d mapped out, looking at landmarks, squinting as the light of the night didn’t help his vision. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the possible answer, shimmering in the light of the moon like a beacon, calling to him like your siren song had rung through his ears that day. 

“This,” he slammed a sausage down, a devilish smirk painting his face as he glazed over the name labeled on the parchment. 

Ron glanced down to notice the name inked on the spot, looking in his direction, noticing his demeanor changed in an instant as he marveled at the map. 

“The Bottom,” he chanted, as he gripped the ship’s wheel, watching Flip snap into action, a frenzy of map tracking and smiles at his traction gained on finding his prize. 

“The Bottom, Ron,” he chuckled, the both of them looking up as the lights grew larger in the sky, seemingly large fingers coaxing the Roger towards it in an enchanting procession. 

“You really think it’s there?” he steered puzzled now as the lights brought them closer and closer, Flip’s eyes beaming with the shadows of them as he was entranced by the thoughts of you in his arms again. 

“Only one way to find out, buddy,” he grinned, placing his buccaneer’s cap on his thick locks, reaching for the bottle that was kept on top of the map. 

Taking a large swig of sweet nectar to let out a huge gasp, rubbing the remainder from his mustache as he tossed the vice to his mate, who took a swig too, aiming the ship still as he gripped the glass. 

“We gotta go to the bottom of that barrel, Ron,” cocking an eyebrow as he prepared his crew for all that would be beyond the lights. 

_______________

WILL HE FIND YOU IN TIME BEFORE YOU’RE SHIPPED OFF TO MARRY ANOTHER UGLY FUCK? 

FIND OUT ON THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF BLOWHOLE AND HIS SIREN LOVE!

🖤,

ray-nal-beads

[xlehukax]

Start of Something - A Single Snare (Pt. 7)

-Writing a little series on here as a warm up! In accordance to @orangelegs‘s Hogwarts AU! Updates won’t be on a set time, but they’ll come eventually-

Oh, here I am! And not super late! How peculiar! Sorry to Logicality shippers- Logan is... well, you’ll have to read. Sorry in particular to @patton-cake! But also- Remus warning. He is Remus, and writing him makes me laugh and cringe all at once. What a beautiful character. 

Meanwhile, Roman is out of his gear and preparing to leave the pitch. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a certain bespectacled commentator. 

Logan, that’s Logan, right? The one Patton told me about, Virgil’s friend, Patton’s crush, yadda yadda yadda. 

I hope that’s Logan, or else this is going to be idiotic. 

“Hey, Loganberry! Come over here!” Roman calls out. The other players of the Gryffindor team smirk and twitter about, wondering what the star chaser wants with the nerd. Roman silences them with a hand. “I’m going to walk and talk with Specs over there, alright? Don’t do anything stupid now,” 

“Can’t promise it, soon to be captain,” one girl purrs. She’s been flirting with him for the better part of a year now, but Roman will never give her the time of day. There’s no attraction, none whatsoever on his side, and why would he get into a loveless relationship like that? He’s waiting for true love, something that makes his heart sing and stomach flutter. Love at first sight, right?

“Aww, you flatter me. Some of you know the way to my heart, hmm? Either way, see you,” Roman casts them a sultry wink, and then waves for Logan to follow him. Logan adjusts his glasses suspiciously but obliges.  

“Roman. What do you need?” Logan gets straight to the point. Roman smiles wide. 

“Do I need to want something from you to talk to you?” 

“Usually, yes,” Logan answers astutely. Roman blanches. It’s true: they always want something from him, whether test help or pointers, never to actually talk. 

“Poor chap! I wish only to speak with you about your friend, Virgil. He’s tutoring me you know, and I heard that you two were close, so I was wondering-” 

“If you could learn about him by pestering me,” Logan sighs. 

“Uh, yeah?” 

“My response is no. Apologies,” Logan shoots him an indescribable look and continues his brisk pace across the field. Roman dashes forwards to catch up. 

“But why? Is he hiding something? Is there something I should know? Why are you not telling me?” 

“Because I respect Virgil’s privacy. He can tell you when he wishes,” 

“Oh. Well. Hmm,” Roman ponders. He makes a good point. “That’s fair enough, I presume. You’re a good friend to Virgil,” 

“You think so?” Logan squints, looking towards the castle longingly. There’s something in that sidelong glance that Roman can’t place. Something about it that makes Roman sad, that reminds him of being younger and desperate for love. It’s disheartening to try and understand, so he stops. 

“Yeah, totally,” Roman says, casting him a thumbs up. Out of nowhere, a large green putrid cloud appears. Roman groans: Logan looks incredibly befuddled as he coughs with the gross stench that fills the air. Manic laughter from inside the cloud only confirms Roman’s suspicions.

“Remus, what in the good name of Dumbledore are you doing?” Roman demands, unsheathing his wand to point it at Remus as he approaches from the cloud of Dungbomb smoke. 

“Making an entrance, what else?” Remus cackles. Roman rolls his eyes, putting his body slightly in front of Logan to protect him from Remus’s unpredictable antics. 

“Does it have to be so-” 

“Stinky??” Remus shrilly cuts in. 

“No, I was going to say so untimely. I’m trying to have a conversation with Logan, I have no time for your oddities,” Roman waves him away. Remus pouts.

“You never have time for me anymore, bro bro! Don’t you love me??” Roman coos, pressing up his own cheeks in a nutty way that Roman rolls his eyes at and Logan looks at curiously. 

“Who are you?” he questions, blatant and robotic. Remus turns his attention to Logan. Logan has no clue what’s going through his head: he presumes it’s either dirty or violent. 

“The name’s Remus Prince, at your service, nerd,” Remus extends a hand to shake with a goofy smile. Logan’s about to take his hand when Roman slaps it out of the way. 

“There is no way you’re genuinely going to shake his hand,” Roman hisses. Logan sighs, already knowing that this is going to be difficult. 

“Uh, yes way, dick-suck,” Remus sticks his tongue out. 

“Bitch, please, the last time you did anything genuine to anyone besides Janus you were too young to understand what the word genuine meant. And even then, you never wash your fucking hands!” Roman scoffs. 

“I’m sorry, do either of you have any sort of need for me or can I go to Transfiguration homework now?” Logan adjusts his glasses, perpetually tired. 

Both twins chorus in with a chirpy “Yes!”. 

Then, “Why do you need to talk to him?” 

Logan feels odd: is this emotion what being wanted feels like? Roman glares at Remus, Remus smiles a wicked sharp-tooth smile at Roman. 

“Both of you, state what you need. In an orderly fashion, please,” Logan instructs. 

“You already know,” Roman sighs dramatically, still giving his twin a side eye, “I came to you to ask about Virgil.” Logan’s eyes narrow. 

“What about Virgil?” 

“His motivations? Passions? Hobbies? Anything, really. All I know really is that he enjoys making fun of me, watches my games, and wicked smart. Oh, and that he’s friends with both you and Patton but not Janus and Remus. Besides that, nothing!” That is a lot more than nothing, Logan thinks to himself drily. 

“Falsehood. And once more, perhaps engaging in a conversational interaction with Virgil will provide more enriching than pressing me for information,” 

“But-“ 

“Next,” Logan adjusts his glasses. Roman huffs indignantly. 

“Oh, oh, that’s me! Hiya! I wanna ask about Virgil too!!” Remus squeals. Logan blinks. Why is Virgil so popular these days? Because of Roman and Patton?

Is he going to forget about me? All these people fawning over him...

No, no, don’t be ridiculous. 

“What do you want with Virgil? The both of you, answer honestly. I do not appreciate liars.” 

“I’m asking because he’s sooooo cute!!!” Remus’s voice is too shrill, too much for Logan. He winces. Roman gapes at Remus. 

“Whaaat? You and… dark and stormy? No, you don’t even know him!!” Roman accuses. Remus bats his eyes at Roman. 

“I think I know more than you do anyway- I know he’s gay, and I know he’s adorable and don’t you just want to eat him up? I could gnaw on those fingers for weeks on end, oh yes Daddy-” 

“How- what- Remus-“ 

“I have never seen you and Virgil together, much less heard him talk of you!” Logan glares. Remus shrugs, smiles maniacally once more. He’s insane, Logan thinks. A complete madman. 

“Just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not there~” he sing-songs. Roman gags. 

“You’ve been stalking Virgil??” Roman accuses. Logan goes white: So creepy. 

Remus grins widely. 

“Oh gods, Remus, the poor stormcloud- you worsen his anxiety, you know that?” Roman reprimands, protecting Virgil and his security. Logan’s eyes widen, and he looks to Roman. 

“You know about Virgil’s heightened anxiety?” he asks. Logan, before now, had thought he was the only one trusted with that information. He thought he was special. But this reminds him, starkly, that he is not the object of Virgil’s affections. That he is ‘just a friend’. It is infuriating, and stifling. If Virgil could only see that Logan had been there for him all along- 

“Yes, of course. He told me today. A good thing too, I’ll be more careful when I serenade him as payment for tutoring!” Roman booms a laugh. Remus mimics him mockingly, to which Roman casts a glare. 

“No, no, no, you best not, Roman,” Logan’s words come out of his mouth before he can bite them back. Surely, if Roman starts singing to Virgil, he will fall deeper in love and-  Roman and Remus both look at him confusedly. 

“Whyever not?” 

“He… he won’t like it,” Logan feels a bit idiotic with the lacklaster explaination. He’s sure that if he was given more time he would do better but- Roman isn’t exactly the fastest broom in the locker when it comes to intelligence. 

“Why not, Logie?” Remus purrs, inching closer to Logan, who grips the strap of his bag worriedly. “Virgil would looooove it if Roman sang, right?” Roman pulls back Remus from harassing Logan. Remus giggles at Logan’s blush. 

How in the world does this boy who looks like he just crawled out of a trash bin know that Virgil likes Roman? Who told him—

It comes to him instantly: Patton. Patton probably told Remus, because if he’s friends with Janus he’ll probably be close with Remus. Anger flares in Logan’s chest: how could he betray Virgil’s hard won trust like that?? 

No, think logically now. Separate emotions from thinking. Remus mentioned that he has followed Virgil around in the past, so perhaps he overheard our conversations? 

Besides, Patton would never do that. He is... kind. 

“Hey, don’t listen to my imbecile brother, dear Logan. He’s talking out of his ass,” Roman assures Logan. 

“I wish,” Remus snorts. Roman whacks him above the head, to which Remus yelps. 

“Why can’t you be normal? I told mom and dad we should just leave you in a ditch with the other wild animals but nooo, he’s your brother, you have to watch out for him at Hogwarts and make sure he comes home for holidays and summers- honestly, ridiculous. I don’t know why I try: You’re going to fail out any day now anyway,” Roman bemoans. Logan is still deliberating on the mole who knows of Virgil’s budding romance, and coming up only more confused. 

Remus giggles, “I can’t help it if salamander blood and dragon liver is a delicious combination.” 

“Ugh, gross! Now I know why the potions professor is terrified of you! How are you not dead?!” Roman exasperates, looking to Logan for backup. Instead of assistance, he only gets Logan’s intense scrutiny from behind glasses. 

“Are you aware of who Virgil fancies?” He asks sternly. Roman does a double take, dropping his brother, who scurries away like a rat after release, cackling all the while. He’s far away before Roman has a chance to ensnare him once more. Logan blanches, realizing his mistake. 

I am the one that has betrayed Virgil’s trust. I just… I just let it slip that Virgil has a crush. Only a fool wouldn’t realize that it was Roman I speak of, only a blind fool-

“Oh my stars, really? How incredible!” Roman gushes, face flushed with excitement. Logan frowns. 

“You do not find it off putting?” 

“No! Rather, I’m flattered that you’re reaching out to me! I’d love to help Virgil,” 

“You… you would?” 

“Oh, definitely! What are we thinking? A song? A dance? Ooh, flowers?”  

“Excuse me, what are you talking about?” Logan asks, confused all too much. 

“The method of confession to his crush, but of course! I’m quite fond of romantics myself, though I get all clammy when it’s directed towards me. They don’t know me, you know? They only see my outwards appearance and attitude, not the real stuff. I want true love and a prince/princess worth fighting wars for. Like Helen of Troy, or like Sleeping Beauty,” Roman laughs. Logan internally thanks science that Roman is so unprecedentedly unintelligent. 

And then… the thought appears to him, clear as day. Roman would tell him what sort of romance he likes, to get closer to Logan and learn more secretively about Virgil, and in turn Logan can share the knowledge with Virgil. Virgil would be ecstatic… but it would mean that Logan would lose any chance he has by his own hand. That would be illogical, wouldn’t it? 

Instead… What if he gives the wrong information to Virgil? It would mean purposefully masterminding the termination of any budding love but it would surely be in both of their benefits, wouldn’t it? 

Seeing how Roman lacks any true perceptive ability, he could never truly care for Virgil’s many anxieties and triggers. He wouldn’t be able to tell like Logan. He can easily assure himself that he is better for Virgil, whether the object of his affections realizes that or not. 

That’s it. He’ll extract the information from Roman, and give it misleadingly for Virgil to clip this in the bud. He’ll simply share safe things about Virgil, like his favorite things or passions, in exchange for that valuable knowledge. Though a bit complicated, Logan is sure that his plan is foolproof. And… Logan is certainly no fool. 

“Roman,” Logan starts, adjusting his glasses nonchalantly. Roman smiles at him. 

“Yes, dearest nerd?”

“As it appears that you are in fact going to be in close relations with Virgil in the near future. Perhaps it would be for both our benefits to relate to you all things Virgil. And in turn, you can tell me about yourself. For example… your romantic interests?” 

“Ooh, are you hitting on me? I’m flattered-“ 

“Merely an example, I would not sink to your level,” Logan rolls his eyes. Roman scoffs in disbelief. He is clearly not used to hearing that. 

“Ouch, how rude, but otherwise sounds fun! I’m looking forward to getting to know the acclaimed angst-adhered anxiety-stricken stormcloud better,” Roman looks… excited? It is worrying, surely, for Logan’s selfish ideals but he pays it no mind. 

This is merely the first step amongst many in a grand plan. He is simply placing the first pawns to capture the king. With a wave to Roman and a promise to send an owl, he heads to his evening study date with the king himself: lovely Virgil. 

Taglist (Ask to be added if you’d like!):

@justabsbutler @shaded14space @patton-cake @mycatshuman

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[novannna]

Sorry, Not Sorry!

Oscar and Ruby go against Nova and Adrian in a prank war.  

No supernova spoilers.  Word count:2374

sorry for the cringy writing!

Nova collapsed onto a couch.  The lobby was bustling with people, everyone busy, having their own task to do.  But Nova was finally done with patrol and she was exhausted.  She had run all the way to the marina, chasing down a pickpocket.  Adrian had made her go back to HQ.  She was about to collapse when they had caught up to her.  Her body was so tired, but her mind was wide awake.  She sat on the couch for a while, thinking up new inventions and letting her mind wander.  Oscar and Ruby burst in through the doors, laughing their heads off.  They spotted Nova and headed over towards her.  

“Hey Nova!” Ruby said.  “I was wondering where you were.  Me and Oscar just finished patrol.”  Ruby was as bubbly as ever.  

“Hey guys.  As annoying as Adrian can be, I’m glad he made me leave early today,” Nova said.  “That pickpocket is going to have me wheezing for weeks.”  Nova chuckled.  

“I’m surprised it took you so long to catch him!  You're like the fastest person I know!”  Oscar said.  “Well, not counting people whose superpowers are superspeed.  But you know what I mean.”   Ruby snorted.  

“Is Adrian back yet?” Nova asked.  

Ruby shook her head.  “He said he had to grab something from his house first.  I think he’s meeting us here.”  

“Oh, cool.”  

“Nova, you wanna come with me and Ruby to grab some food?”  Oscar asked.  “I have some donuts in my locker.”  He and Ruby exchanged a glance.  

“Sure…” Nova said, a little nervous.  The way Ruby and Oscar were acting made Nova more than a little suspicious.  Oscar extended a hand out towards Nova.  She clasped it and pulled herself up to her feet.  Ruby skipped on ahead, while Nova walked more slowly with Oscar.  

Oscar walked over to his locker and entered a code onto his combination lock.  The locker swung open to reveal an entire store's worth of chips and other snacks.  

“Sweet rot, Oscar.  How do you ever complain about being hungry when this is here?”  Oscar smirked.  

“I’m a growing boy.  I need my snacks now and then.”  He searched through the mountain of junk food, crowing with excitement when he found what he was looking for.  A slightly squashed pink box with half a dozen filled donuts inside.  

“Yes!” he exclaimed.  He grabbed one and tossed it Ruby, then tossed another to Nova, finally taking one for himself.  Nova forgot her earlier suspicions about his and Ruby’s strange behavior and bit into hers.  She immediately gagged.  

“What the hell did you do to these?”  She asked, spitting it out.  Ruby and Oscar were doubled over, gasping for breaths in between their laughs.  

“Oh my god!  You are so pranked!”  Ruby screamed, tears streaming down her face.  

“You should see your face!”  Oscar leaned on his cane.  Nova ran over to the water fountain and began to gulp mouthful after mouthful of water down.  

“What the hell was that?”  

“We put mayonnaise into the donut instead of cream.  And it worked!  That was hilarious!” Said Ruby.  Nova scowled.  

“I’m going to get you back so hard.  You’re gonna regret this.”  Ruby and Oscar looked at each other and burst out laughing.  

“Nah.  I don’t think so.”  

---

“Adrian, I need your help,” Nova said into her phone.  “Can I meet you at your house?”

“Sure,” he said, his voice sounding tinny and far away.  

“Great.  I'll be there in fifteen minutes.”  She walked out the doors of hq and started to speed walk towards Adrian’s house.  She was still absolutely pissed from Ruby and Oscar’s prank.  Nova’s pride would not allow her to be beaten by the two of them.  She had to get them back, even better than they had gotten her.  

By the time Nova had gotten to Adrian’s house, her rage had cooled a little and her mind was rife with ideas.  She rang the doorbell and heard footsteps racing towards the door.  

“Oh, hi Nova,” Max said.  

“Hi Max.  Is Adrian here?”

“Yeah, He’s downstairs.”  

“Thank you!”  Max stepped aside and she walked in.  Adrian had just appeared and smiled at Nova.  

“Hey.  You needed help with something?”

“Oh my god, yes!”  She walked over to him and kissed his cheek.  “Hi.  I need your help getting back at Ruby and Oscar.”  He smirked.  

“Lets go downstairs.”  Nova waved goodbye to Max and hurried after Adrian into his room.  

“What happened?”  he questioned.  

“They filled my donut with mayonnaise,” she scowled.  “And now I have to get them back.”  Adrian winced.  “Mayonnaise?  That's disgusting.”  Nova nodded.  

“I have a few ideas.  But I will need your help.”

“Anything you want.  They deserve it.  One time, they pranked me by covering my entire room with wrapping paper.  I still don’t know how they got into my house.”  He shook his head.  “I’m happy to help you get them back.”  

“Can you distract them long enough for me to sneak into their apartment?”  Adrian nodded.  

“Of course.  What's the plan?”

Nova stayed there till seven, planning their prank on Ruby and Oscar.  The plan was that tomorrow after patrol, Adrian was going to get the whole team, sans Nova to get food together.  Nova would make up some excuse and make her way to Ruby and Oscar’s shared apartment.  She would then pick the locks(Adrian was a little concerned when he learned she had this skill) and Nova would head to their shower.  She would put semi-permanent hot pink hair dye in the shampoo and conditioner.  Then she would get the hell out of there.  Adrian and Nova grinned and high fived.  

“I would feel bad, but they have this coming, Adrian said.  He slung an arm over Nova’s shoulder.  

“Definitely.  And it’s not like it will last forever.  Just a couple of weeks.” Nova smirked.  

“You're an evil genius, you know.”

“Yep,”  she pulled him down for a kiss.  “I should go.  See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”  Nova walked upstairs and stepped outside.  She let a sly smile cross her face.  Ruby and Oscar were going to seriously regret messing with her.  

---

“Let's go grab some food,” Adrian said.  They had just finished patrol and they were ready to act on their plan.  

“Sure!” Ruby said.  “I’m starving.”   

“Me too,” Oscar added. 

“Oscar, you are always starving,” Danna said with a chuckle.  “I’m in.”

“Nova?” Adrian said.  “What about you?”

“I can’t today, sorry.  I have to go pick some parts up for a new invention.”  

“Come on,” Ruby whined.  “Pick them up later.  We haven’t hung out all together in like forever.”  

“Ruby, we literally all had dinner together two days ago.”  

“Exactly! Forever.”  

Nova laughed.  “I want to, but I can’t today.  Another time, I promise.” 

“Fine,” Ruby sulked.  “But I’ll hold you to that.”

“I know you will.  Bye,” Nova said, waving while walking away.  As soon as she rounded the corner, she started jogging, heading towards the small apartment Ruby and Oscar shared.  

---

The door popped open with a satisfying click.  Nova grinned and tucked two bobby pins back into her hair.  Honey had taught her how to pick locks early on.  She had insisted that Nova would someday need that skill.  She never had thought that this would be why she was using it, though.  She pushed the door open and stepped into their apartment.  She quickly made her way to their bathroom.  The door was open and Nova slipped in.  She pulled the dye that Adrian had drawn for her last night.  Supposedly it would last three weeks and show up in their hair right away.  It didn’t even need time to set.  Nova opened the shampoo and conditioner bottles and slowly poured in an ample amount of dye.  It trudged its way out of the bottle sliding out smoothly, like maple syrup.  Nova finished the bottle, then snapped it shut and put it back into her pocket.  She put the lids back onto the shampoo and conditioner and shook the bottles vigorously.  Nova placed the bottles the exact way she found them, then walked out of the bathroom. She started to turn the handle to the front door, then stopped.  A lightbulb went off in her brain.  She rushed over towards their kitchen and pulled open the cabinet that she knew their cereal would be in.  

“Please have it, please have it, please have it,” She muttered while scanning their cluttered cupboard.  “Yes!”  Nova pulled down a large box of Lucky Charms.  She grinned.  She grabbed a bowl from their cupboard and poured the contents of the box into it.  Nova carefully went through the sugary cereal and pulled out every single marshmallow.  She grabbed a ziploc from underneath their sink and poured the colorful marshmallows into it.  Nova put the box back into the cupboard, grabbed the bag of marshmallows and headed out the door.  

---

Nova walked into the lounge at headquarters with a smile on her face.  She was greeted by a seething Ruby and Oscar, both with electric pink hair.  

“Nova, I'm going to kill you!” Oscar said.  

“I love the new look,” Nova told them grinning.  “Why are you going to kill me?”  

“You know why, you asshole,” Ruby said.  “You took all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms!”  She scowled at Nova.  

“Only a monster would do that,” Oscar added.  

Danna and Adrian then walked in.  Danna took one look at Oscar and Ruby’s hair and burst out laughing.  

“Oh lord!  I thought you were joking,” she said to Adrian.  “Nicely done,” she said.  

“You guys are the worst,” Ruby said.  “I can’t believe you!”  

“Come on guys, it’ll be gone in a few weeks.  Don’t be so mad.”

“Adrian, that's not what they are mad about,” Nova said.  She grinned.  “I may have taken out all the marshmallows in their lucky charms.”  Adrians jaw dropped.  

“You are brilliant!”  He hugged her.  “And stupid.  You took Ruby and Oscar’s Lucky Charm marshmallows?  You have a death wish.”  

“Maybe.  But I got them back, didn’t I?”   

“You don’t know what you have started, Nova Artino.  You better watch out.”  Oscar said, dramatically waving his cane.  

“I thought I trusted you.  But instead, you go and rip out my heart.  Consider yourself warned.” Ruby whirled around and Oscar followed her.  

“Oh, this is going to be entertaining,” Danna said.  

Nova and Adrian exchanged glances.  

“Yes, it will be.”  

---

Oscar and Ruby’s revenge happened to be a ton of bang snaps placed under the toilet seat at Adrian’s and Nova’s houses.  It scared the living daylights out of the two of them.  

“I have no idea how they got into my house,” Nova said, calling Adrian.  “Me and you are the only ones with a key.”

“Maybe they know how to pick locks.”

“Probably.  What's out next play?”  

“I’m thinking we could superglue all their drawers shut.”

“I like it.  But this time, you get to sneak into their house.” 

“Fine.”  

Nova hung up the phone.  The pranks were fun, but she worried that they were going to take them too far.  She did not want to end up losing friends because of a stupid joke.  She sighed and rubbed her temples.  What harm could a few pranks do anyways?

---

The week flew by in a blur of loud noises, exploding objects and large messes.  Each prank they laughed off, then sulked and figured what they would do in retaliation.  They were careful to make sure that nothing interfered with their work, but they were still acting differently.  They were working together less.  They were all cautious around each other, even though they had made a pact to not let it get in the way of work.  Eventually Danna had to step in.  

“Look, I know all your pranks are harmless, but we aren’t working well together.  You guys need to end it sometime soon.  We are a team, right?”

“Yeah,” Oscar, Ruby, Nova and Adrian said.  

“Great, so lets start acting like it.  Get your shit together, and the next time I see one of you guys prank the other, I will get involved!  You here?”

“Yes’m,” Oscar said, offering a salute.  

“She’s right.  We let this go on for far too long,” Adrian said.  

“Yeah.  It was kinda fun though,” Ruby sighed.  

“Next person who pranks someone on this team has to buy lunch for a week,” Danna suggested.  

“Deal.”  They all shook hands on it.  

“How were you guys getting into me and Adrian's houses?” Nova asked.  

“Max.  He gave us your key and let us into Adrian’s house whenever we knocked,” Ruby said.  “He thought it was hysterical.”

“That little traitor,” Nova said scowling.  Adrian laughed.  

“I knew he was up to something.”  

“What about you guys?  How did you get into our apartment?”

“I drew a key,” Adrian said.  

“I may have picked the lock a few times,” Nova admitted.  Ruby gaped at her.   “You are never safe from me,” she laughed.  

“I’m still not forgiving you for the Lucky Charms though,” Oscar said.  “That was cruel and unforgivable.”  

“Whatever,” Nova said and reached out to ruffle his bright pink hair.  “It was a good prank though.  You're just jealous that I thought of it first.”

“Maybe.”  Nova grinned.  

“Let's go grab food,” Ruby said.  “You still owe me for the time you “left to pick up parts”.”   

“Fine.  Let’s go.”  She extended an elbow out to Ruby, and Ruby grabbed it.  

“You guys coming?” Ruby asked over her shoulder.  Adrian chuckled and jogged after them, Danna and Oscar close behind.  

“You know, I think that if we worked together, we could use our combined brilliance to prank the council,” Ruby said.  

“Genius.  I have some ideas…” Nova replied, her mind already racing with possibilities.  

“Oh, they better watch out,” Danna said.  “Ruby and Nova pranking people together?”  She shuddered.  “That is a terrifying thought.”

Ruby shushed her.  “I’m excited to work together.”

Nova smirked.  “Me too.  Everyone better watch their backs.”  

Adrian and Oscar groaned.  “Don’t do anything stupid, Nova,” Adrian said.  

“Don’t worry.  I know what I’m doing.”  She reached up and patted his cheek. “Now let's go get food.  I’m starved.”  

[verfound]

WIP Wednesday 11/20/19: CSS Preview (MLB, Lukanette, Couffaine Sibs)

Y’all know how I keep saying it’s “angst with fluff sprinkles”?  And how sometimes it’s whiplashy?  So this is shortly after Jules dumps water on Luka and Mari in bed.  Mari’s in the shower and they’re picking out something for her to wear, since Juleka ruined her only clothes.

“As much as I’m enjoying this, I believe she said I only have twenty minutes to shower and dress,” she said.  She groaned and dropped her head against his chest. “Ugh.  I don’t have a change of clothes, and there’s no way these’ll dry in time.”

“You can borrow something,” he said.  He dropped a kiss against her hair before he removed his arms from around her.  They both sighed at the loss of contact.  “All right.  Go get your shower.  Warm up. I’ll have something for you when you get out.”

He felt her smirk against his neck.

“When I get out?  You want me to come back here in a towel?  Or –” she started, and he was just starting to imagine the possibilities – just starting to really enjoy the idea – when Juleka slammed the partition open, grabbed her arm, and yanked her off of him.

“Nope!  Nope, nope, nope,” she said, shaking her head firmly.  She pushed Marinette towards the bathroom, making an over-exaggerated gagging noise as they went.  “I’ll bring the clothes to you!  God, you two are gross.  Rose and I aren’t even this bad, you horny –”

“Oh, you definitely are,” Marinette laughed. She tossed a kiss over her shoulder, making Juleka groan again as she shoved her into the bathroom.  She slammed the door shut between them and turned towards him, a grimace on her face.

“We need separate rooms,” she sighed. “Like…actually separate, not just fake-wall separate.”

He fell back against his bed, yanking the blanket over his head as he laughed.  She definitely wasn’t wrong there.

After a moment, and without Marinette’s warmth to distract him, he became aware of just how wet – how cold – his bed now was, and with a longsuffering groan he pushed himself up.  He drug his hands across his face, shoving them up into his hair as he walked over to where she was rifling through their closet.  She shrieked when he flopped against her, pressing his soaked front into her back.

“Luka, you ass!” she cried, shoving him off of her. She huffed as she rolled her shoulders, squirming in her now-damp shirt.  “Ugh, I have to change now!”

“You brought it on yourself,” he said with a chuckle.  He tossed his own shirt back towards his bed.  He’d have to wash the lot later, anyway.  “You’re a real bitch sometimes, Jules.  Definitely not my favorite sister anymore.”

She snorted as she continued to sort through her half of the closet, looking for something for Marinette (and now herself, stupid jerk brother) to wear.  She didn’t look back at him as she said, “I’m your only sister, dumbass.  That makes me the favorite by default.”

His hand froze halfway to the closet.  Her words were like another bucket of ice water, chilling him and making his entire body freeze up.  Of course she was his only sister.  Of course that would make her his favorite.  By default.  Except…she wasn’t anymore, was she?  Not that she knew.  Not that he could let her know.  But it didn’t change the fact that, somewhere in the city, another little girl with her eyes (Andrew’s eyes) was probably fighting with a blonde stranger, begging for five more minutes, Maman, please as she burrowed deeper into her blankets.  Or was she more like Juleka, already up and ready to go?  Bouncing around the kitchen, already dressed for school, as she waited for a croissant or fresh-fried egg?  Or did she stick to cereals, some prepackaged convenience to scarf down on the way out the door?

In another life, in another world – one where Andrew Couffaine wasn’t an asshole, where their parents still talked, maybe even had stayed together – he would know the answers to those questions. They would see CeeCee for birthdays, and holidays, and they’d know if she liked mornings or was a classic Couffaine night owl.  They’d get to argue over who would teach her how to play guitar and which major chord she should learn first.  Juleka would dye streaks through her hair – and what color would CeeCee even like? Purple, blue, pink, green? – and he’d teach her the fastest, easiest way to paint her nails.  Her beloved Ladybug doll would be a MDC original, and she’d even have a custom Viperion doll to keep her company.  In another life, Juleka would pull her stupid pranks and he’d get to tell her CeeCee was his favorite because she didn’t dump ice water on his bed, and CeeCee would giggle and say Juleka was her favorite because sister solidarity.  And he’d just smile, and ruffle her hair, and pretend like her words crushed his soul while sharing a smirk with Juleka (because Jules was older, so she was obviously his favorite, too – but he loved the heck out of both of them, so it was cool). In another life, CeeCee wouldn’t just be a Couffaine – she’d be a Couffaine, and –

“I said move, dumbass,” Juleka grumbled, snapping him out of his thoughts as she shoved him aside.  He blinked at her, shaking his head slightly to clear his mind.  She rolled her eyes as she grabbed a plaid shirt from his side of the closet.  She held it up for inspection and nodded before glancing back at him.  “Mari still needs a shirt.”

She frowned when she saw the glazed look on his face.  It wasn’t his normal, stupid, Marinette’s Wearing My Clothes glazed look, and it made her pause.  She tossed the shirt over her arm and reached back into her side for a belt.

“You ok?” she asked, her voice more serious. “You kinda zoned out there for a minute. I’m just being a brat, Lu.”

“I…I know,” he said, rubbing his face again as he shook his head.  He forced a grin back on his face as he looked up at her.  It was stupid to think of what could have been in another life, anyway.  CeeCee wasn’t a Couffaine, in the end.  Not a real one.  “Go on – she’s probably ready by now, and you two don’t want to be late.”

[sanjiafsincedayone]

My top 25 favorite SaNami moments – Part 2

This post only includes manga moments, and though it was supposed to only be a top 10 I ended up having many more moments. This is the second part which is the actual top 10, so if you haven’t read the first one you can go HERE to read about number 11-25.

Also I’m not saying all of these are romantic, or proof for SaNa, but simply even as nakama these are some of the moments I’ve really liked between them. Some might be big, some might be small, it’s simply my own preference after all.

I’ve put my favorite ones in this post, but I am not completely sure of the order, and I might have forgotten some. It’s up until chapter 892, so spoilers for Whole Cake Island.

Long post following under the cut.

10. Nami’s concern and I’m coming with you

Nami’s constant worrying in Zou and Whole Cake Island as she pushes the others to go after Sanji. It’s not really one particular moment, so I’m just mentioning it in general. Particularly I also really like that she went with Luffy to learn about Sanji’s family and that she cries thinking of Sanji’s situation. When Nami demands to go with Luffy to WCI and says she feels responsible for Sanji leaving her worry is obvious, and Oda’s insistent use of Nami in this type of moments always make me love her more.

9. Sanji’s sacrifice at Drum Island

This is where Sanji’s love for Nami steps up its game from casual flirting and differentiates her from other women. He’s ready to die for her and puts her above everything else. He reminds Luffy of how he has to be careful and protects her with all means he has. It’s also quite cute how Nami worries about him later and even lets him rest his head on her lap.

8. Sanji talking about Nami’s past with Jinbei

A moment that marks how involved and strongly Sanji feels about Nami. It shows how he remembers details about her past and how he is affected by the pain Nami has been through. Nami also steps in and shares her own thoughts, making them both closer due to their shared experience. It’s a moment that logically perhaps should revolve only around Nami, but Oda still decided to include Sanji.

7. When Nami gets a fever

I know the sacrifice in Drum Island is a pretty big deal, but if I have to choose I personally love the scenes when they’re all still on Merry and Nami gets sick just a little bit more. We get focus on Sanji worrying about Nami and Oda lets us see his reaction before anyone else’s. I also really like his reactions when Nami comes out to talk about the fastest way of getting to Alabasta. It’s a small moment, but I think it truly show’s how well Sanji knows Nami by this point. It also gave us a SaNa piggyback, which was really sweet.

6. Nami fighting with Zoro

Nami is almost desperate to have the crew go after Sanji and her fight with Zoro where she actively defends him is just a really great moment. It shows how much Nami worries and cares about Sanji and is in the end the trigger for the crew going to get him back. It’s not a gag moment like many of Nami’s “fights” with the crew, but rather a serious feeling coming from her because of the things Zoro says about Sanji.

5. Sanji’s sacrifice in Skypiea

I think what I like the most about this moment is the fact that Nami was actually there to see it. We got a reaction from her that finally proved how much she also cared about Sanji. People have always tried to downplay the relationship between Sanji and Nami by saying that Nami is annoyed by him, and that she doesn’t like him but rather simply tolerates him. This moment definitely proves otherwise.

4. The hug in Whole Cake Island

When I started this list this moment didn’t exist yet, but how could I not include it? It’s the first hug they share since in Baratie, and it’s initiated by Nami. It shows how happy she is to have him back and her gratefulness to be saved. It’s a grouphug with all the Guru-wara so it’s a really nice moment between nakama. But I like that Oda focused on Nami and also added Sanji’s comment about “I love you too Nami-san!” This feels to me like Oda is adding more to SaNami that might point to them actually becoming canon some day.

3. Bridal carry at Thriller Bark

This is the most romantically thematic moment between any of the strawhats in my opinion, and I remember the almost shock when I read it for the first time. What truly makes this one of my favorite moments is also the buildup to it. How Sanji consistently strived to find Nami and worried about her throughout the whole arc. The scene in itself also once again proves what Sanji is ready to sacrifice for Nami as he takes a knife in the back for her. It has Albsalom taunting Sanji with Nami and the whole arc had interesting romantic undertones.

2. The slap

Another scene that is a lot about the buildup to it. Nami has by that point been worried sick about Sanji since he left them on Zou, and she is so happy when she finally gets to see him again. Only to have the rug get pulled out from under her feet, as Sanji acts cold towards her for the first time ever. It marks a shift in the way she views Sanji as it’s the first time he isn’t kind and loving towards her. Not to mention his behavior towards their captain. It’s a shock and hurt that Nami wasn’t at all prepared for and it added a tension in their relationship that is interesting.

1. Nami compliments Sanji’s chivalry

She finds it stupid that he won’t fight women, but in the end still gives him credit for it, even though she acts very tsundere about it later. It’s just something really quiet and nice about the understanding Nami shows for Sanji in this scene. And when she also steps in to take over his fight for him that’s another bonus. “I won’t let you get away with this” has a rather nice ring to it. I still think this is a really important scene that in a simple way shows that the bond Nami and Sanji shares is more than just two people on the same ship. It also shows that Nami has no problem with Sanji being soft towards women, but is still frustrated that he would get hurt or even die because of it.

And those were my favorite SaNami moments from the manga so far. It wasn’t easy trying to pick and rank these moments, and since it’s been a while since I read the whole manga I know I have missed quite a few that maybe deserves their own place on this list. What did you think, do you agree? 

I hope you had fun reading and that we will get plenty of more good Sanji x Nami moments as the story continues. <3

[tigerlover16-analysis]

Dragon Ball Super: Episode 3 Review

So, after two episodes of easing viewers into the status quo, this is the episode that officially gets the plot rolling and where the series really starts retelling the events of the Battle of Gods movie.

Honestly, it's a bit of a difficult episode to talk about since I feel like I'd largely just be recapping the plot and dialogue scene by scene if I tried going into detail. I feel like I really misspoke saying I might have more to talk about at the end of the last review. So I'm probably going to be a bit more brief with my thoughts.

The episode is mostly set up. It provides us some more information on who Beerus actually is, specifically that he is a God of Destruction opposite to the kais, and a rather chaotic one at that who goes around blowing stuff up every once in a while, and that he had ordered Frieza to destroy the saiyan homeworld planet Vegeta. We get a few scenes set in Beerus's planet, introducing us to a minor recurring character in the Oracle fish, and Beerus learns of Goku's existence and defeat of Frieza, leading him to set off to King Kai's planet to question Goku about the Super Saiyan God at the end of the episode.

Meanwhile, Bulma's birthday party that had been mentioned in the previous episode gets underway as the rest of the Z fighters and their families gather on a cruise ship.

Doesn't sound like a lot happens when you break it down, does it? And really, it's not, though it's still paced mostly fine and does it's job as a set-up episode. It has some nice jokes, gets us a little more familiar with our villain, and the animation is... well, there's nothing much impressive, but it's still okay. Bit of an odd technique where King Kai, Bubbles and Gregory are chasing Goku around for not reviving them at some point and there's one moment where Videl's leggings disappear and then reappear randomly, but otherwise nothing major to complain about... still two episodes before that happens.

Honestly, it's a lot of the little details that are more interesting to talk about. Like for one example, I really like that in this version of the story we get an explanation that Beerus was the one who trapped Old Kai in the Z Sword. It's a neat detail that makes this story feel even more like a natural continuation of the Buu Saga and tying up a loose end that I never expected to come up again.

Now if only the retcon that Beerus wiped out the dinosaurs worked half as well. I don't know why they kept that joke from the movie, it's blatantly nonsensical when we know from previous series that dinosaurs still exist in the Dragon Ball world. Heck, we SEE dinosaurs later on in Super!

I like to speculate that Beerus DID mostly wipe out the dinosaurs, but didn't finish the job, so they did continue to survive but have become less common and aren't the primary inhabitants of earth now. Only explanation that makes sense to me, because otherwise it's a weird and nagging inconsistency, which sadly Super would go on to have plenty more of.

I also question the choice to have Beerus instruct Frieza to destroy the Saiyan Homeworld. Part of me thinks that idea takes away some autonomy from Frieza's character, but honestly when I think about it Frieza probably could still have been considering it out of his own concern for the saiyans rebelling and Beerus just pushed him to go ahead with the idea. I know it's mostly there from a writing perspective so Whis can give Beerus a slideshow of Goku going super saiyan the first time and thus give Beerus incentive to meet with him, and it is a convenient way to handle that.

And I guess in hindsight it also served as a convenient way to have the two characters be familiar with each other already when Frieza comes back later, and to help explain why Beerus didn't just kill Frieza himself when all we know about a God of Destruction's duties from Toriyama suggest it should be his job to get rid of people like him. He was too lazy to destroy either Frieza or planet Vegeta himself, so he turned one against the other. So, I guess it’s an okay retcon.

There's a few nice character interactions scattered around too. My favourite moment is probably the moment at the start as Whis is flying through space with Beerus, and when Beerus questions his speed Whis immediately stops and curtly tells him that he's the fastest person in the universe. It's a small moment, but it really does a good job of demonstrating that Whis is more than just some diligent, snarky servant and that he's not one to be messed with, even where someone like Beerus is concerned.

Also, the bit with Krillin, 18 and Marron stuck in traffic and then just deciding to capsulize their car and fly to Bulma's party instead was just the most perfect thing ever.

The episode also establishes a running gag throughout the show about King Kai being annoyed with Goku not bringing him back to life with the Dragon Balls after the whole Cell explosion thing, and him wanting to be revived... it's mildly amusing and luckily wasn't overplayed too much, so not much more to comment on.

And... I really don't know what else to comment on.

Episode 3 is pretty lightweight, even compared to the last two episodes. The content we get is entertaining enough, but it mostly just exists to set up the actual plot of the saga. And if you've watched the movie, you're not really going to get much of anything new out of it other than a few amusing moments.

It's far from a carbon copy of the films events, there's different dialogue in places and additional jokes and short interactions between some of the supporting cast (Gotta love Chiaotzu making a silly face for Marron), the setting of the party is different, but there's not a lot that's significantly different about this set up.

It's not bad at all, despite that one stupid joke, but it's not an episode I'd watch over and over on it's own either. Still worth watching though, but it's best enjoyed while binge watching I think.

I'd give it a B-, good enough for what it is, but nothing exceptional. Perfectly average.

And I mean it this time when I say I should have some more interesting things to talk about in the next two episodes.

[kmindset]

The Assistant (M)

Summary: Your cheating fiance’ makes you feel like nothing more than a trophy but when you catch the attention of his assistant you realize you could have some fun too.

Member: Jungkook ( Jeon Jungkook x Reader)

Genre: Smut, Angst-ish

Warnings: Adult Language, Rough sex, Cheating

A/N: Dude...I don’t even know. I didn’t edit this oops.

Masterlist   ~   Vmin Page   ~   To Do list

He was everything you wanted.

His dark hair was what you longed to touch.

Alas, he wasn’t yours. In fact, your feelings were more inappropriate than they seemed. He wasn’t just some man you lusted for secretly. But your fiance’s assistant.

Yunho, your fiance’, was a sports manager. He established a nice fortune for himself and treated you as part of the treasures of his success. To others, this would sound amazing, but to you it was lonely.

You loved him, you really did, but he constantly flaunted you like a trophy at events. As part of his unwavering show off personality, he constantly berated you for small things like snacking and gaining the smallest bit of weight. You had to eat freely when he wasn’t around. Which wasn’t hard. He was constantly gone. Whether it was at his office, games, or out of town.

In the beginning, it was saddening but you got used to luxury living without him. Especially when he came into the picture.

Initially, he was hired to be Yunho’s personal assistant but his duties took on more of a partnership the busier he became. You saw Jungkook than your fiance. Not that you were complaining. Daydreaming about him became your favorite past time. It wasn’t something you were proud of but it became harder to stop yourself. When you visited Yunho at work you would be sure to greet Jungkook with a look he couldn’t read. The times he would enter your eyesight you would give lingering stares, causing the man to sweat under your gaze.

It began when Yunho forgot to mention he had given a Jungkook key.

He innocently came to retrieve his boss’ work laptop from his study but upon entering he got an eyeful of you, back facing him in only a thong. You seemed to not have noticed him so he contemplated leaving without a trace but it was hard to tear his eyes away.

When you finally turned around, you just smiled and walked past him with a cup of tea. “Are you here for his laptop?”

He watched you take a seat, unbothered, on the couch and nodded.

“I already told him it’s not here. It’s probably at that bitch’s house.” You said calmly, taking a slow sip from your mug.

His eyes widened. Jungkook knew of his other woman but he didn’t know you knew. He didn’t approve of it but what could he do?

“Ah” was all he managed to say about to turn to leave.

“Sit.” He heard you softly command. Without a thought, he did as you said. It was quiet for a moment but you didn’t seem uncomfortable so he relaxed some, still a little on edge because of your lack of clothes. He avoided looking at you by looking everywhere but you.

“It’s rude not to look at someone in their own home,” you said with a chuckle. He hesitated to look at you. When he finally did his face felt on fire. You were leaned back with an amused smirk.

“Am I making you uncomfortable, Jungkook?”

He was quick to shake his head.

“What am I making you feel then?” He was not prepared for that question. There was silence as he opened his mouth then closed it again, still unsure what to say. As he searched for words, you stood. Slowly walking to press the button to open the velour curtains to reveal the view, you tried to contain your excitement. “You see this?” you asked, pointing to outside world of building and people stories below. “They don’t care about how I look right now. Why do you?” It was a stupid question of course but he knew you only asked it to get him to say whatever it was you wanted him to.

“Because they aren’t in their boss’ home with his naked fiance.” he answered, still in this seat.

“Wrong!” You pressed the button again to turn on the light to the bar. “The correct answer is they aren’t going to bend me over this bar now are they?”

His eyes widened and you grinned, pouring a bit of wine into the now empty cup. As Jungkook became more of a sweaty mess as you leaned on the bar with one hand. “Well...are they? Once again, being rude in my own home.” You shook your head. “I thought I would be the one getting punished for having so many thoughts about you. Your mouth all over me, leaving marks, your rough hands against my ass, your cock drilling into me for being such a slut with my fiance’s assistant. Of course, I would tell you it was all ok because he never touches me or looks twice at me unless he needs to show me off somewhere.” You sighed. “But I suppose you prefer to be rude.”

You turned to press the button to close the curtains again when you heard his voice. “I always mark what’s mine.”

You turned to the sound of the seductive voice. “No matter who will see.” He was in front of you after slow steps.

He took your drink and downed it but setting it down rather hard and grabbing at both sides of the thong and pulling you to him. He kissed you with the fervor you hoped he would. It was sloppy and rushed but oh so good. He pulled away to hungrily mark your shoulder blade, finding your sweet quickly in the process. He smiled to himself focusing on the area. With excited hands, you pushed yourself up onto the bar.

He was still nervous, you could tell but he wanted this just as you did. Careful hands gripped the thong again to pull at it. You lifted your ass slightly for him relieve you of it. Your legs spread for him enticing him further. He took a half step back staring at the wetness between your alluring thighs. He looked up at you.

You looked at him in confusion, hoping he hadn’t changed his mind or been scared off by your body.

With a sigh he pulled you down to your feet and roughly turned, placing a hand roughly on your back to lean you over the counter. You bit your lip, relishing in the realization of your fantasy coming true.

“Condom?” he questioned gruffly.

“Collecting dust in his bedside drawer.” He disappeared into the back of the apartment and returned quickly with a row. Tearing one open, he unzipped his pants, freeing his straining member and slid it on with a hiss, noticing his boss must be a considerable size smaller than him. Despite his discomfort, he turned his attention back to your dripping core. He had barely done anything with you. A shaky nervous hand gripped himself and slid his tip up and down your waiting slit. His foot knocked against yours signaling you to open wider. He smiled at your obedience when you quickly complied before easing his tip, offering a sentence that should have been a warning: “Sluts don’t get it slow.”

Before you could think about his words, he slammed his hips against yours.

Your screaming echoed through the big empty apartment. He didn’t stop for you to gather a breath, pulling out and slamming back in with the same momentum as before. His hands grabbed at your upper thighs, controlling your weak body as he set his quick pace.

You grabbed at the edge of the bar, trying to have some to hold as you whined his name.

“Are you used to taking a cock this big?” He smugly questioned through your whining. You shook your head quickly. He bit his lip, tilting his head back groaning at the feeling that had become foreign to him as well.

“It’s been so long since I’ve had someone.” A hand moved to grip your shoulder. “I’ve tried not to think about you this way but I come in to see you presenting yourself to me. Full ass in view. Fuck.” He felt you clenching, coming to the fastest release of your life. His tongue dipped out to wet his lips as a hand snaked around your hips to coax you close to your climax with his finger working your clit. You gasped at the sudden contact and his chest against your back. His pace became uneven with his finger working against you. “J-Jungkook” you moaned. His nipped at your shoulder in response. It didn’t take much more to cause your release. You came with a yell of his name into the silence. He slowed his hips, hand teasingly continuing over your clit until you squirmed in oversensitivity. He sat up and pulled out, breathing heavily. Your cheek rested against the cool surface of the counter until you felt his hand grab a fistful of your curly locks to bring your face to his.

“My turn.” He pushed you down and you looked up at his towering figure. “Finish me off.”

Weak arms lifted to his fully hard member crammed in the obvious too small condom. You pulled it off of him, condom soaked on the outside with your release on the inside with pre cum. You pouted as you threw it into the bar trash can and turned back to attend to him. A quick hand grabbed at your wrist before you could touch him. “Why are you pouting?” You looked up to meet his gaze.

“I wanted you to feel you cum.”

He sneered. “This isn’t about just you,” he grabbed your chin roughly. “But you will.”

You stared in confusion until he spoke again. “Open.” Once again you did as you were told. Wasting no time he shoved his cock into you waiting mouth making you gag. He grabbed at your hair again, holding you in place. “You can take it.”

Slowly, he moved your head back and forward, letting you feel the pace before giving you a chance to move on your own. His hands ran through his hair and rested on his head, unintentionally flexing his muscles. The view had you getting wet all over all over again. He looked down at you and smiled so charmingly.  He closed his eyes again to your displeasure. Wanting to please him, you took him in as much as you could and swallowed, watching his reaction carefully. His hands falling to grip your hair once again as he jolted at the feeling. It was obvious you were pleased as he looked back down at you with narrowed eyes. You didn’t have much time to pat yourself on the back before he was moving your hand. Quickly he was reaching his end. You knew from his tight facial features, pleasure approaching.

He let out a long groan as he released into your mouth. His lids opened slowly and he crouches down to your level. He looked into your big eyes, wiping some saliva from the side of your mouth. With one command he knew you were now his. “Swallow.”

You swallowed and smiled proudly.

He stood, walking to where he sat earlier. Your face showed wide-eyed sadness as you thought he was leaving without a word. He picked up his phone but felt your eyes on him and look up. He chuckled. “Relax, I heard my phone. You were being such an obedient girl you probably didn’t even hear it.”

He was right. Looking down at the device he scowled at the message. He placed it in front of your face.

Mr. Lim:

“I found it, Jungkook. Sorry for the senseless errand.”

When he returned to his boss’ office he passed Chae Young coming from the direction of Yunho’s office, confirming your theory of where his laptop had been. Yunho apologized again, commenting how he must have looked everywhere because he was gone so long. He even got so bold as to insult you, saying you were probably no help “adding pounds to your thighs with those damned convenience store snacks” you loved. Jungkook didn’t appreciate his words against you but simply said: “No, she was very helpful.”

From there it became more frequent and intimate.

Sometimes rough, others slower and strangely personal.

You weren’t exactly skinny, as Yunho liked to remind you, but Jungkook loved it. The way he would look at your bare figure as always made you want him more. Nothing even remotely to demeaning to your figure ever left his mouth. You realized his favorite thing was having his head buried between your “juicy” thighs, as he called them. A few times you came close to getting caught, each time using the rush of almost getting caught to intensify whatever sin you were both involved in at the moment. He even went so far as to fuck you in your kitchen when Yunho was asleep in your bedroom. His hand clasped tightly over your mouth as he whispered obscenities in your ear.

Life became normal in this wrongful relationship. You knew Yunho was still seeing Chae Young but you weren’t as bothered by it. You knew it was a matter of time before he let you go so no need to make a scene now that you were doing the same.

You didn’t think it was possible for Jungkook to become so possessive over you either but every time Yunho would use you as a trophy again, grabbing at your hips and introducing you as his he would remind you that it wasn’t true. The next time he could get you to himself he would look you in your eyes and ask if you remember who cared about you. Wordlessly you would nod and he would capture your lips with his giving you a dangerous mix of affection and dominance.

“Why are you late?” Yunho questioned, not looking up at him.

“Ah, about that…” At Jungkook’s hesitation, he finally glanced up, eyes widening with a smirk.

“Has my little Kook finally been entranced by a woman?”

Jungkook’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion of how he guessed. The older man approached and moved his assistant’s collar with two fingers to examine the deep purple mark on the curve of his neck, your favorite spot. Usually, it wasn’t so dark or at least covered by his collared shirt. However, in his haste to leave your arms and make it to work he hadn’t been as careful to cover it.

“I suppose I can’t be mad at you for finally getting a woman.”

Jungkook blinked in shock, staring as his boss walked back around his desk. He went back to whatever his attention was on before Jungkook walked in.

“Jungkook.” He stopped at the door and looked at the older man. His hand rested on something under his desk. “Tell my fiance to stop wearing that cheap smelling shit. We can afford better.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened at the revealing words before he could open his mouth to profusely apologize he saw Yunho’s head fall back against the chair mouth agape. Only then he noticed the top of Chae Young’s head. “It doesn’t smell good on you or her.”

[pvnclora-blog]

A YEAR AGO, TESHAYRA

“ are you excited to see lord leif tonight ?? ” cordelia teases gently, running a brush through pandora’s hair.

the princess smiles coyly, looking at her lady-in-waiting through the mirror. “ i am just as titilated to see him as you are to see lord dmitri. ”

the girl’s jaw dropped as the golden comb stalls mid-stroke. pandora, as well as the other ladies-in-waiting, giggle at her reaction. it’s a typical night for pandora and her girls – sitting in her chambers, gossiping about court and keeping up with the fashions. if only time could stand still.

“ ladies !! ” pandora says, her voice light, “ i’ll dismiss you early to ready yourselves for tonight.” with the sharpest of confectionary smiles, she meets the eyes of every girl standing before her. “ do not embarass me. ”

from the corner of her eye, pandora sees vydia dancing with lord dmitri. she excuses herself from lord leif with the promptest of apologies and makes her way over to the latest of her ladies-in-waiting. she is stupidly giggling at one of dmitri’s stupid stories. the smile on pandora’s face is double-edged. from dmitri’s point of view, she gently takes vydia’s arm. what vydia feels is her stiletto like nails digging into her arm.

“ could i just borrow vy for nothing but a minute, dima ?? ” he gives her a nod ( it’s not like he can refuse a princess, but she likes to pretend to give them a choice ). pandora all but drags vydia away.

vydia gives her a worried smile, “ your highness ?? ” she ventures. oh, truly, pandora pities the girl. she doesn’t really deserve the chewing she’s about to give her. vydia’s only fourteen. she’s young and naïve and falls in love with any boy who smiles at her. it’s her age that attracts dmitri, pandora can tell. but, vydia will never be able to keep the eye of a boy so flippant. in reality, she’s helping her out here. pandora looks after her girls.

“ what do you think you’re doing, vydia ?? ” she says sharply as she plasters the kindest, most concerned look on her face. “ do you truly think that the most handsome man at court is falling on his knees for you ?? vy, ” she says, her smiling changing to something meaner, “ the only constant thing in that man’s life is his love for cordelia. trust me– ”

that’s as far as she gets in her lecture for, just as she plans to let go of vydia’s arm, a loud crash comes from one of the windows. shards of coloured glass come raining down on the revellers. distantly, the aria is interrupts by the shriek of the chanteuse. 

like she was trained to in case of a crisis, pandora turns to one of the knights. killian, one of her brother’s friends who had become a knight years ago, meets her eyes. he gestures for her to follow him outside. without thinking about it, pandora follows, but does not let go of vydia’s arm.

once they’re outside of the ballroom, killian pushes them into a room. the room. it’s a tiny little room under the stairs. she’s startled at first. pandora hasn’t seen the inside of the room under the stairs in years. that being said, she can hardly see anything now. there are no candles to be lit. the only source of light is a thin strip coming from the corridor from a crack in the doorway. killian hadn’t closed it completely.

she can’t tell how long it is until the men are done in the ballroom. but, they’re done far faster than pandora and vydia had expected them to be. it happened so quickly because the pirates had probably cut down any properly dressed person in the ballroom. she figures this is fact because killian had not been wearing armour that night, he was attending the ball as a duke’s son, not a member of the guard. nonetheless, when his blade cuts down on his throat, she doesn’t scream. she doesn’t whimper when the blood squirts from his throat. 

if she makes a sound, she’s dead. they’re dead. her hand clamps down on vydia’s. vydia says nothing as the princess’ heart leaps into her throat.

there’s a moment of silence before someone opens the door. the man, dressed in rags with gold rings on his hands sets his eyes on the two of them. he grins as he sees the two of them huddled in the darkness. “ he wants the princess. kill the other. ” her eyes widen. her head whips to watch vydia. her face is pale, scared of her fate. if she were a true princess and of the selfless sort, she would’ve thrown herself over the younger girl. but, she wasn’t. another man – smelling strongly like sea salt and sweat – grabs her arm and drags her to her feet. the first one steps in and raises a bloodstained sword. pandora doesn’t scream when vydia’s  head rolls. instead, she goes limp in the pirate’s arms.

he grunts. then, aggravated and tired, the pirate drops her to the ground. she realizes as she pulls herself into a sitting position that it’s her mother laying next to her. at first, she thinks that because her eyes are open, she’s alive. but, in the thirty counts pandora gives her, her mother does not blink. she tries to reach for the woman’s hand. but, as soon as she moves, her guard gives a disaproving grunt. her hands drop to her lap.

a moment later, voices begin to grow louder from the door way. “ shut it, boy or i’ll – ” there’s a silence and the loud crack of bones. the doors open. there stands her brother, restrained by two pirates. she goes to call out his name but all she can taste is the taste and texture of dirtied burlap. she recoils against the gag forced upon her.

true to his character, once hector sees her, he immediately tries to run to her. this is not liked by the pirates. with the fastest reflexes she had ever seen in action, one of the burly men grab hector by his hair. he screams in pain. what an idiot. 

pandora observes her brother for a moment. his forehead glistens with sweat. his lips are red in the place in which it split opened – he must’ve gotten that just now in the hall. on his outfit, there’s also a few drops of blood. she wonders if it’s his own. she hopes it’s not his own.

her thoughts are cut short when finally, the doors open again. unlike her and her brother, this man is not kicking and screaming. he is calm, serene. he is a king. he is obviously a king. but, the man who pins her father’s arms behind him has a cool swagger about him. he exudes power and the stench of someone whose last bath had been three years previous. this man – the pirate captain – was the one their captors were waiting for. 

the captain releases her father’s wrist and two other pirates rush to take his place. 

“ choose one, ” the leader says. “ choose which one i should kill, and which one you want to keep. ”

she goes completely still as hector’s eyes lock on hers. his eyes are wide, and panicked. hers are downcast, filled with tears. there’s no doubt in either of their minds. ‘i’m sorry, ’ he mouths to her. he means it, too. hector was always far too kind. too caring. in her opinion, he was too soft to be a king.

“ one, ” the captain warns, circling hector like a vulture. his voice is low, taunting. he speaks as if he’s telling a very funny joke but she can’t find the punchline.

he takes another step, “ two. ” the sound of his foot hitting the floor echoes throughout the room. she wonders if he’ll cross the room to circle her. it’ll save some time.

“ and – ”

“ my son, ” the king of teshayra breathes. he sounds as if he had truly deliberated but she knows that’s a lie. his crown prince had always meant more to him. “ save my son. you can take the girl. ”

it happens far faster than she realizes. suddenly, the captain is in front of hector. there’s a glint of something in his hand and suddenly, without the support of the two pirates behind him, hector falls into a bloodied slump on the ground. as her older brother hits the ground, her head immediately snaps towards her father to watch his reaction.

the king’s jaw hardens. her father is angry. he thought he was saving his son, but, he had just condemned him instead.

the look of red fury is the last thing she sees before she passes out.

[heartsywritesthethings]

Red Shirt, Blue Shirt, Oh God What’s This Shirt?

Summary: Bones decides to get Jim a very embarrassing personalized gift- a shirt that says “I love being ticklish”

Words: 3,666

I.

          March 22 is a date that Jim has never really looked forward to. More often than not, he’s even dreaded it. Having his birthday on the same day his dad died, an event he’s reminded of every year because the every planet in the Federation finds it necessary to broadcast the fact that Hey! It’s the day of the Kelvin Incident! That’s right everyone! The day George Kirk was captain for 12 minutes and saved 800 lives and totally fucking died in the process (and oh yeah he saved his son too he was born during this, but that’s not important). For that very reason, Jim tends to ignore the day in its entirety rather than celebrate one aspect and mourn the other.

           Oddly enough, the thing that changed Jim’s perspective was joining the very organization that—to this day—refuses to shut up about the Kelvin Incident. Of course, that’s not actually because of Starfleet Academy, the classes, and it sure as hell wasn’t thanks to the majority of the Starfleet Brass. Nope. His mind changed because of a grumpy drunken cadet seated next to him on the shuttle he boarded. That first birthday at the Academy changed Jim’s typical routine of getting himself black out drunk and beat up in some hole-in-the-wall bar. In fact, Jim didn’t even realize the date that first year. He’d been too busy with his studies and hanging out with McCoy that when the date actually came around, Bones set down three glasses before filling them with brandy. At Jim’s confused expression, Bones just gave him a small smile, a quiet happy birthday, and tapped his glass against the one between them. And so a tradition was born.

           Having that tradition didn’t stop Bones from adding to it and getting Jim presents. Though, as to not make the day any more emotional than it already was, the gifts were generally gag gifts; just something to make Jim happy. Of course sometimes Bones likes to make Jim happy by giving him embarrassing gag gifts (such as moments after the tradition was born when Bones gave Jim the biggest dildo he could possibly find and had him open it while they were with Pike). Their second year is no different, except that at this point Bones has far more ammo to actually embarrass one James T Kirk, which of course leads to the beginning of the end.

        Upon opening the small bag which Bones had placed in front of him, Jim raises an eyebrow as he asks, “A shirt? Considering last year you got me a dildo, I’m a little disappointed. It’s like you aren’t even trying to top that.”

          Bones’ only response is to nod at Jim to continue. Rolling his eyes, Jim pulls the shirt from the bag and unfolds it. After fumbling with it for a moment, Jim flips it to the front so he can read it. It’s only facing him for a moment before Jim is slamming it into his lap, words covered. The laughter erupting from Bones certainly can’t be helped. Jim on the other hand is uncharacteristically silent due to embarrassment. Bones knew Jim could blush a pretty pink, but the vibrant red covering his friend’s face is a hilarious surprise. As Jim bites at the inside of his cheek, trying to not smile/scream/curse and whatever else he’s certainly tempted to do, Bones concludes, “I definitely topped last year.”

          Jim gives a jerky nod in agreement. With a smirk, Bones asks, “So you gonna read what the lovely shirt says?”

          “I’m sorry, what? No.”

          “Oh come on, kid. I got this just for you—my best friend. Just read what it says. For me.”

          It takes a number of tries. Before those attempts are even made, Jim goes through a multitude of emotions, all pictured very nicely in his little face journey from embarrassed indignation to resigned acceptance. Clicking his tongue, Jim lifts the shirt and opens his mouth to read exactly what it says before promptly slamming his mouth shut once more. Jim does this at least three times before Bones is trying to move his friend along once more. So with a deep breath, Jim blurts, “Ilovebeingticklish.”

          “Yeah you do.”

          In order to save Jim from his own embarrassed thoughts (because that is of course Bones’ only motive), he quickly begins a very one sided tickle fight. Already majorly useless in his embarrassment, Jim had all of zero chance of fighting off his determined friend even before those skilled doctor’s hands started counting his ribs. Bones mock lectures, “Now Jim, I can’t have you letting your brain mess you up too bad. A little embarrassment is good but if I let you overthink anything and jump to stupid conclusions, we’ve got a problem. But you can’t overthink if you can’t think at all so let’s get to work then, shall we? Doctor’s orders.”

          Pushing at McCoy’s hands, shirt forgotten, Jim pleads, “Bohohones, come ohon! Stahap! I’m fihihine!”

          Ignoring Jim’s words, Bones shifts his hands to squeeze at his hips, causing him to shriek and buck. “Kid if you can still talk then no, this isn’t fine. The only words I wanna hear from you are an honest thank you. Because you might hate to admit it, but you do like it. The shirt I mean. I’ve heard you admit to liking being ticklish before. I can only expect that admission to come forward if I’ve got you drunk enough, or stupidly tired. I’ll take what I can get. So since you’re still talking, what do you say?”

          “Fuhuck yohou!”

          Bones narrows his eyes, taking to intently scratching under Jim’s bottom rib. He threatens, “You know I could say you’ve gotta admit you like this instead of just a simple thank you.”

          The date is then marked as the fastest Jim has ever expressed gratitude.

II.

           The sudden sound of something (or someone) falling and feet pounding against the ground is not the first thing Leonard wants to hear as he’s unlocking his apartment door after a long shift at Starfleet Medical. He’s rather tempted to just turn around and maybe crash at Christine’s place. But that requires getting there and whatever Jim is doing right now cannot be bad enough to warrant the extra effort. With that in mind, McCoy braces himself and pushes open the door.

           Jim sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, surrounded by an apartment unchanged from when he left is not at all what Bones was expecting. He raises an eyebrow, becoming increasingly suspicious of his roommate. “Jim… what’s going on?”

           Jim looks away from whatever asinine holovid he’s watching over to Bones with a smile on his face. Shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth from the container in his blanket-covered lap, Jim pays no mind to his frankly disgusting behavior as he speaks with his mouth still full. “Nuffin. Me time wif a movie.”

           Running a hand down his face, Bones can’t believe how much of a child Jim is and just how much the trouble maker reminds him of his little girl. The comparative of course has him going into parent mode. Exasperated, he chides, “Okay, first: don’t talk with your mouth full Jim, it’s gross. Second: you’re hiding something. You flipped shit when I put my key in the door.”

           If this kid wants to be a captain, he’s really gotta work on his poker face because wow he can’t lie worth shit. Jim is way too quick in his rambling response, “What? I’m not hiding anything. I’m being totally normal. Sooo normal. Why would you think anything different?”

           Bones scowls at Jim before making to yank the blanket off Jim, who quickly latches on in order to keep it on his torso. “No! Don’t take that!”

           Point made, Bones lets go and watches as Jim rearranges the blanket so that he’s holding it tightly around himself, ice cream now forgotten on the table. “…so. You want to tell me what you’re hiding now?”

           Unable to actively lie to Bones, Jim looks down and away. Bones warns, “If you don’t tell me I’ll just have to make you.”

           Still refusing to fess up to Bones, Jim also refuses to look at him. Taking that as answer enough, McCoy begins his extraction methods. Jim being adamant in keeping the blanket wrapped around him rather than perhaps defending himself certainly makes things easier. Unimpeded, Bones’ fingers expertly begin digging into Jim’s sides through the blanket, which does not offer nearly the kind of protection Jim thought it might.

           Bones happily continues tickling Jim into compliance without resistance. It doesn’t take long before squirming around in hysterics is enough of a defense for Jim’s body and his hands are finally making their appearance to attempt grabbing at Bones’ hands. It’s at this point that Bones pushes the blanket off of Jim completely as it’s no longer being held in Jim’s death grip.

          Bones freezes above Jim.

          Jim catches his hands with a squeak.

          The two stare at each other, neither moving nor saying anything.

          The shocked expression on Bones’ face merges into an amused smirk whereas Jim’s surprise shifts to a bashful smile. Smugness creeping into his voice, Bones states, “You’re wearing the I Love Being Ticklish shirt I got you. See? You do like it.”

         Rather than forming an intelligent response to Bones’ comment—which might not have even been possible for Jim at that moment—he just turns his head into the couch cushions beneath him with an embarrassed whine spilling from the smile still plastered on his face. Bones laughs, “Oh come on, kid. We both know it. You’ve said it before. Admit it.”

          Jim lets go on Bones’ wrists in favor of covering his face and attempting curl in on himself. Determined, Bones lightly tickles behind Jim’s ears, along his exposed neck, and under his chin. The gentle touch is enough to have Jim giggling once more.

          “Admit it.” A whine. “Come on.” A few giggles. “You like being tickled and wearing that shirt. Just say it.” An attempted slap. “I know why you’re not saying it. It’s just so I keep tickling you. Right? You aren’t talking because you don’t want me to stop. And it’s because you really really like being—”

           “Okay! Yes fihine! You’re right! I doho! Juhust shut uhup! Fuhuck.”

           Bones lets a rare wide smile spread across his face as his fingers continue their movements even as he stops with the teasing. Though he takes a moment to point out, “You did only ask me to shut up, not to stop tickling you.”

           “I hahate you.”

 III.

           Aboard the Enterprise, the shirt doesn’t make any appearances considering Jim is always wearing his Command Gold shirt and is rather aware of his position as captain. It likely wouldn’t sit too well if any of the crew caught their superior officer wearing something as unprofessional and embarrassing as that. However, there are some nights when the Captain’s Quarters seem entirely too large and empty, especially after a long day. On those nights, he needs a bit of familiarity and nostalgia for comfort.

           It’s another night after a long alpha shift with far too much paper work and even more pointless transmissions from upset admirals. Jim swears that if he has to hear Komack belittle him over an official comm link once more any time soon he may just lose his cool and say exactly what he thinks instead of standing by and parroting a “yes sir.” Pike would understand. Maybe. Hopefully. Okay, Jim definitely has to make sure he doesn’t mouth off to Komack. But fuck Komack.

           Jim undresses and tosses his uniform off to the side of his room before flopping face first onto his bed. He lays there miserable for a few moments before pushing himself out of bed. Shuffling over to his closet, Jim decides it’s definitely a night he wants some extra comfort. He throws on the shirt Bones got him years back (only because it’s extremely soft, no other reason) before crawling beneath the covers on his bed, curling up against the pillow. For the sake of settling down before trying to sleep, Jim aimlessly scrolls through academic journals on his PADD. Exhaustion taking its hold, Jim falls asleep halfway through a technical journal on transwarp beaming with zero thoughts towards the boorish admiral.

           Startled awake by the blaring klaxon and rattle of the ship, Jim frantically grabs for his comm. Once it’s in hand, he’s rushing out of his quarters up to the bridge with his comm link open asking for an update. The response is brief: Klingons. As captain, Jim needs to be on the bridge now because his silver lady is under attack.  

           Racing onto the bridge as soon as the turbolift doors open, Kirk calls out, “Status report!”

           Lieutenant Kevin Riley is the one to give him the run down as other members of the senior crew begin filtering in. A Klingon vessel has fired on the Enterprise and is ignoring all hailing attempts thus far; their intentions are unknown. However after the first weapons use, the Klingons have yet to fire again. At the end of the quick brief, each member of the senior bridge crew has arrived to man their posts and relieve the junior officers. Kirk orders, “Uhura, open a channel.”

           “This is Captain James T Kirk of the USS Enterprise. You’ve ignored all hailing attempts and then—”

           “Captain, we’re being hailed.”

           Shocked at the sudden change of course the Klingon ship has taken, Kirk looks to Spock, who seems just as perplexed. Looking back to Uhura, Kirk says, “Put it on the view screen, Lieutenant.”

           Just a moment later, the view screen is filled by a Klingon looking rather happy with his smarmy smile. The Klingon captain rather warmly greats, “Ah, my dear Captain Kirk! Just the man I was hoping to see.”

           Jim nearly laughs at his terrible luck. Of all the people to see, it has to be this guy. Turning to Uhura, he kindly asks her to cancel red alert. As annoyed as Jim is at the situation, he can’t help but be slightly amused. With a smile, Jim addresses, “My dear Captain Koloth. To what do I owe the displeasure of having you fire on my ship?  Which I assume was simply to get me on the bridge for a chat instead of having to speak to the perfectly competent officer with the conn.”

           Dismissively Koloth assures, “Oh your garbage ship is fine, Kirk. I assure you that my intentions are peaceful. It was, as you said, just to get you. We have history, you and I. Do pardon the wakeup call; I forget that you soft humans need so much disuse of your bodies in order to function. I also see you Earthers continue with��how shall I say it? Nonessentials. You even have such soft attire for sleeping with cute sayings.”

           With an eyebrow raised in confusion, Jim looks down at just what he’s wearing. Now he remembers: he went to bed in his boxers and what has been dubbed the t-word shirt. And with the red alert, he didn’t really have a chance to change. Well fuck.

           Attempting to ever so casually cross his arms over the writing on his shirt, Jim asks, “How about we leave my pajamas out of this and get to the matter at hand, shall we? What is it you want and how quickly can I get you to leave?”

           Mock offended, the Klingon Captain holds a hand against his chest as he admonishes, “Why, Captain Kirk! There are no current hostilities between us or our people, not yet at least. Maybe I just wanted to talk.”

           “Lieutenant Uhura. Would you please end communications?”

           “Hold on now! Fine. Always spoiling the fun, Kirk. But, I’ll get to business.”

           Smirking, Jim goads, “Klingons? Fun? Never thought I’d see the day. But please, attempt to explain yourselves. It’d better be good, Koloth. You fired on my silver lady. I can assure you Engineer Scott won’t be happy. I do hope you remember the Sherman’s Planet incident that occurred when you invoked the ire of my Chief Engineer.”

           A flash of fear crosses over the face covering the view screen. Why the Klingons fear creatures as fluffy and adorable as Tribbles, Jim may never understand. He’ll also never be unamused by it. Glaring at Kirk for daring to bring up that incident, Koloth threatens, “Mention that again, Kirk and I’ll come for those pajamas of yours. I might not know why, but I saw your silly embarrassment, Captain.”

           Jim does his best not to flinch at the sneered threat; he mostly succeeds—externally at least. Acting unfazed, Jim smoothly quips, “Well then Klingon eyesight must be rather poor because you seem to be seeing things.”

           “On the contrary, Captain,” Spock interjects from his station, “Klingons have eyesight comparable to that of Vulcans in its acuteness. In addition, they can differentiate between a far greater range of color frequencies.”

           Kirk turns to face Spock and just throws his hands out in a bit of a what-the-fuck-man gesture. He’s about to voice his thoughts on the timing when Koloth thinks allowed, “Perhaps while I wait for your response I’ll go find out precisely what that shirt you’re wearing means. The only word I need is that last one there. Ticklish? What odd Earther thing is that?”

           Whipping around to face the view screen far faster than can be brushed off as casual, Jim quickly clears his throat. “So… truce then? I won’t mention the Tribble Incident.”

           Koloth smiles widely. It may be a truce and level playing field but it sure feels like a loss to Kirk. “We’re in agreement then. You don’t mention that and I won’t mention this ‘ticklish’.”

           “SO! Captain Koloth. What’s your business with the Enterprise? You’ve been dancing around the topic.”

           “Ah yes. Wonderful deflection. You see it’s rather simple,” Koloth jeers. “I noticed your ship nearby and felt I definitely owed you another meeting. I believe I’ve won this bout. Wouldn’t you agree?”

           Taking a long breath in through his nose, Kirk keeps his professional expression firmly in place. He calmly states, “My dear Captain Koloth. About this business of yours… you have five minutes to turn your ship around and get it out of Federation space.”

           Not letting his mood dampen, Koloth gives a small respectful yet simultaneously mocking bow before ending the transmission. Once the screen goes blank, Jim falls back into his chair with a loud groan. At the same time, the bridge crew begins laughing. Even Spock has that stupid amused eyebrow raise going on. Jim whines, “I got out of bed for that, dammit! Fuck, I hate Koloth.”

           “We all did, Captain,” Sulu points out, gesturing to his striped pajama pants and lack of a shirt. “And we all look so very professional.”

           After all that time on the bridge, Jim realizes he hasn’t actually processed what everyone came onto the bridge wearing—minus himself because it was pointed out to him and he really could’ve done without that. He takes the moment to scan the room. Chekov is pretty average with sweatpants and an undershirt. Uhura is wearing shorts and a tank top, similar to what she was putting on when Jim was hiding under Gaila’s bed. Spock has on some fancy Vulcan “robe” (but it’s definitely a nightgown). A bit surprised, Jim asks, “Am I the only one who doesn’t wear pants to bed? Seriously no one else sleeps in their underwear?”

           Uhura smirks and teases, “You’re also the only one who sleeps in ‘I love being ticklish’ shirts.”

           Again, Jim crosses his arms over the words on his shirt. This time, he doesn’t have captain mode on and is unable to stop the blush from rising to his cheeks. He’s quick to defend, “It was a gag gift from Bones. It’s soft. That’s it.”

           “But Keptin, zen why are you so embarrassed? Zere must be a reason. Perhaps because you like ze shirt. Because shirt is true?”

           Did Chekov just tease him? That was definitely a teasing tone. Jim’s almost too amazed at this revelation to get more flustered. But only almost. Trying to be commanding, Jim tells him, “Now is not the time for you to remind us you’re our Russian wiz kid.”

           “So that means Pavel is right,” Sulu points out.

           Jim remains silent, trying to keep a hold on his unraveling composure. Obviously, in the midst of the captain’s attempts at calming down and forgetting the entire encounter is the perfect time for Spock to give his own input, observing, “The ensign is in fact correct. Though I am not entirely certain of when he acquired the gift from Doctor McCoy, it was prior to his final year at Starfleet Academy, as I was witness to the Captain, then a cadet, crossing the academy grounds while wearing the article in question. As we can all plainly see, he is still in possession of the shirt and continues to wear it; it can thus be assumed our Captain indeed has an attachment to the shirt. Proceeding to Mr. Chekov’s second point regarding the accuracy of the shirt’s statement. Whenever being tickled, typically by Doctor McCoy, Jim neither protests nor makes any attempt to get away. Instead he simply laughs and genuinely appears to be enjoying himself, which McCoy often finds necessary to point out. After such instances, he is happier than before the act and overall has a more relaxed and carefree mood. Taking these into account, we can conclude that the captain does in fact enjoy being tickled.”

           Staring at his first officer, mouth agape, Jim can’t figure out just how to respond. Instead, he settles for pouting in his chair while failing to ignore the good-natured jeering and prods from the makeshift family that is his senior bridge crew.

[diabetesforbreakfast-blog]

10 Things I Hate About Life

10. Banana strings.

There you are, eating a banana, maybe putting some peanut butter on it like a boss, minding your own biz, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, something almost as bad as eating your own hair but not quite as bad as eating someone else's hair happens. You find a freaking banana string INSIDE YOUR MOUTH. There are only two options here if you haven't already projectiled your banana bite across the room. One, find string immediately and extract, salvaging remainder of bite. This is actually fairly difficult to do and requires, at minimum, Level Eight Banana Skills. Two, spit entire mouthful into nearest trash receptacle or napkin. This one here is probably your fastest, safest option. Fortunately, this scenario rarely happens to me because I'm so freaking OCD about inspecting each bite of banana before I eat it, often scraping off edible parts of the banana accidentally because they might BE strings, but oh well, better safe than gagging on banana parts straight from Hades.

9. Celery

Speaking of fiery pits and doom: celery. Celery strings are 1000x worse than banana strings because they’re stringier and connected to something entirely pointless. Eating celery is like eating a plant. More specifically, it’s like eating a plant you picked from your yard that still has dirt on it and is made entirely of thick, indestructible, plastic banana strings. When you successfully manage to swallow some celery strings, those strings stay in your stomach for 27 years, weaving themselves into an intricate net, the purpose of which is to catch more celery strings that for some unknown reason you’ve decided to ingest even though celery tastes like watery plant dirt and tears. If one absolutely MUST use celery, here are some safe steps: 1) Stick celery into peanut butter, ranch, or blue cheese. 2) Lick condiment off. 3) Throw celery away. 4) Repeat until all celery is thrown away.

    8. Mushrooms

I promise this entire list isn’t “Foods I Hate,” although, good idea. Obviously this list is in no particular order because IF IT WERE mushrooms would be numero uno. A mushroom is a fungus that for some reason people want to put into their mouths. Mushrooms grow on forest-y floors, tree bark, and in dank caves. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Dank caves sound like the kind of caves I want to be in” (#dankcaves #theresprobEDM). No, not that kind of dank. According to Merriam Webster, dank means “unpleasantly moist or wet.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to be putting anything with that combination of adjectives into my primary face hole. Canned mushrooms are slimy and gross. Fresh mushrooms have gills (yeah, I looked this up), you know, that weird textured part under the cap. Gills release spores. SPORES. And you want to eat this. WHY. I’m also CERTAIN mushrooms taste more like dirt than celery because just LOOK at them, but I’ll never totally know because I’m never going to eat one on purpose.

7. Apart

Just when I felt like we were making progress as a society on “a lot” vs. “alot”, a whole bunch of you people start saying “apart” as in, “I’m SO glad to be apart of this awesome such and such thing!” or “Thanks for letting me be apart of your big day!” Just...no. Why? WHY are you doing this to me? There is no hope for humanity. “Apart” means “separate from” whereas “a part” is what you want to say when you want to show that you belong to a group or whathaveyou. A lot and alot mean the same thing, one just is super wrong looking. A part and apart literally have opposite meanings. So, please. Stop doing this immediately.

6. Uber perky morning people

Look, I know it’s morningtime and you’re in full-on Julie Andrews mode, twirling around on a hillside PRE-COFFEE, but just know that, unlike the rest of us, you are probably not a real human. Most likely you’re a robot. If you are one of these people and you’re talking to me in the early morning, just know that, no offense, I'm probably visualizing punching you in the face. “But mornings are beautiful and wonderful and there’s absolutely nothing like the sunrise and the early bird gets the worm, blah, blah, blah.” Yeah, maybe. But the sun also travels in reverse later in the day. I can get some amazing warm fuzzies via this thing called the sunset after a day full of caffeination and croissants. And while you’re going to sleep at 9pm, I can get that worm before your robot birdface wakes up in the morning. Hey, I’m not trying to begrudge you your abnormal level of morning cheerfulness. Go ahead, be happy. But just try to remember that some of us are zombies in the AM and zombies will eat your face without adequate coffee levels. True fact.

5. Slow walkers

How? How do you walk that slow? Like...you’re breaking all the laws of physics. Or at least one of them. I only remember the second one and it’s not that one, but I’m SURE you’re breaking one of the others. There’s only 3, right? I’ve triiiiied to slow down to your pace when I’ve come up behind one of you in the wild, but I literally CAN’T. I might as well just be standing still. And it’s not like most of you are short people with tiny legs even. Most slow walkers are average-legged people. This seriously confuses me. Please somebody tell me how survival of the fittest hasn’t killed off all the slow walkers yet. If this were Africa, you’d all have been eaten by lions.

4. When people in my age group talk about being old

Attention People Whose Age Decades Begin With a Mid-2 or 3. You know what makes you sound old? Talking about being old. Especially when you’re not. Are you oldER than you once were? Yes. But so is everyone else on the planet who has been alive for at least a day. Get back to me when we're 80 and maybe I'll be okay with you whining about your knee hurting or the "youths" who actually go out and do fun things on the weekends. Some of us don't plan on ever getting old. Or dying, for that matter, so please...suck down a 5 hr energy or some ‘spro and just get out there and do the things that lots of 60 yr olds are still doing on the reg.

3. Talking self-scan machines

I love self-scan machines at stores. LOVE. I was a cashier at Walmart for 3 months in college so trust, I know what the eff I’m doing. And I very much like doing the scanning/bagging myself. But lately I’ve noticed that these machines, seemingly out of nowhere, have started to ANNOUNCE everything you scan. This is all fine and good when you’re buying normal non-embarrassing things like broccoli or bread or whathaveyou, but just a few months ago I decided to buy kale for the first time. Wait...how is kale embarrassing, you ask? Have you ever BOUGHT kale? Machine Lady at the top of her lungs: “KALE. SIXTY-NINE CENTS.” Me: “Oh HELL. That’s WAY too trendy.” *furtively glances around, certain everyone’s like “look at that hipster buying the kale”* But even kale isn’t the worst. What if I were buying TAMPONS? I go to the self-scan SPECIFICALLY so that I don’t have to make eye contact with the cashier while they’re handling my box of tampons, and now this Machine Lady wants to TELL EVERYONE? Kill me. Mark my words, before we know it, the self-scanners are not only going to announce our purchases out loud, but make commentary on them. “Are you SURE you need to eat those potato chips? They’ll go straight to your hips.” How dare you, Machine Lady. “Have a nice period!” Shhhhhh! Are you insane? NO ONE MUST KNOW I’M A WOMAN. This whole technology thing is getting out of hand.

2. Birds

Generally speaking, I do not hate birds. I hate SPECIFIC birds. The specific birds that live mainly in one tree under which I’m forced to park most of the time because street parking. I dunno if it’s because my car is blue and the birds are like OOH LOOK THE SKY and decide it’s a great piece of sky to poop on or what, but I, no joke, have new poop on my car almost every day. So paying $ to wash my car seems dumb, but having to drive a poop mobile everywhere is mildly embarrassing. Every time it rains, I sigh with relief. You know, I’ve never really cared too much about my 2nd Amendment rights, but now I’m like, does this apply to BB guns? ‘Cause I think that might be a good investment RN. The left can’t take our guns from us! *shakes fist* (Unless they volunteer to kill the damn birds, in which case it’s totes cool),

1. Spiders

Wow. Spiders? Really? Whaaaat a cop out. Ran out of list ideas towards the end there, huh? Yes, actually. BUT HEAR ME OUT. My hatred of spiders runs DEEP. Like, say I was dating someone and thought he was amazing and full of marriable qualities...AND THEN I discover a terrible secret. He has pet tarantulas. Like, more than one. Like he’s one of those weirdos on youtube who collects tarantulas and has cages of various types and likes to take them out and explain why they’re not terrifying. I mean, I don’t throw around the word “dealbreaker” TOO easily, but...look, dude. We could NOT get married. I mean, we COULD, but we’d have to live in separate houses. You’d have to think seriously about what creature you love more. A radiant, intelligent, witty, obviously humble, dark-haired unaging beauty with two NORMAL legs. Or your collection of hairy, unfunny, uncuddly beasts with a stupid number of legs who insist on wearing their skeletons outside their bodies like serial killers wrapped in people-skin. Your choice, bro. But the decision seems obvious. Set your house on fire. Get a puppy. #marryme

[loavesofoaves]

GOT 7 x 06 rant

Got busy and didn’t write a recap, but basically everyone with common sense has already dragged this episode through the trash, so do I really need to heap my two cents on top? I guess the thing that I find the most SHOCKING is how many people I know—people who have read the books, who consider themselves feminists, who read a lot in general—are still salivating over GoT and excusing its gaping plotholes and poor characterization. I honestly think everyone is so in love with the meme culture and hype that surrounds the show that they don’t want to actually have to think about it.

So yeah, I am salty and bitter. I’m salty and bitter that one of the greatest fantasy deconstruction novels has this shit show of an adaptation. I’m salty and bitter that D&D can get away with their lazy, poorly planned, misogynistic agenda. I’m salty and bitter that this show receives little to no scrutiny while well-written, feminist, lbgtq-friendly, thoughtful shows get picked apart or cancelled. My beef isn’t that GoT is popular; I’m bitter that it wins Emmys and is considered high-brow television. It hasn’t been for years.

Shoving aisde the ridiculous logistics of this episode (which everyone has already picked apart) [like how fast it took Gendry to get back, how Daenerys got a raven and was there in only a matter of hours, how only the red coats and Thoros died, how Jon survived and didn’t got hypothermia]...

I guess here are the top 5 things I’m most mad about:

—What they have done to my beloved Stark sisters is unwatchable. Arya has turned into an asshole dudebro from the westeros.org forums who blames Sansa for everything because of one letter written under duress that even Cat and Robb knew was forced. “I would’ve let them kill me.” BITCH YOU WERE TYWIN’S CUPBEARER. It’s not that this will never happen in the books that has my raving (although it certainly won’t), it’s that this subplot doesn’t even make sense by the show’s canon. Also, did Maisie Williams forget how to act this season? She just walks around with that same asshole tone with her hands behind her back and I’m like, this isn’t Arya???? And I actually laughed out loud when she had a bag full of rubber masks from the Halloween store. Like my mind is blown on how stupid and contrived this subplot is. Let’s just kill Littlefinger and be done with this pain. You girls deserved better then an entire season of arguing over petty things. And I deserve better than to hear how this show “empowers” women when it gives its female characters bullshit storylines like this one.

—Jonerys. Just. Jonerys. Mark my words, between this and D&D romanticizing Jaime/Cersei, there will be a rise in incest, or at least the idea that it should be socially acceptable. But from a purely narrative standpoint, I just cannot suspend my disbelief that based on a few conversations over the course of three episodes that this is a love story. Plus, it doesn’t help that there’s no chemistry and this relationship has to be proven by other characters making it happen. I’m not mad that Jonerys is happening (I fully expect it—or Dany x Aegon—to happen in the books); I’m mad that people think that this is the ultimate love story in this show when these characters barely know each other. I think people just wanted it to happen so badly they’ll accept whatever, even if it’s poorly developed. (Guilty as charged when it came to NaruHina in Naruto.)

—God does this show love to shit on my boy Sandor Clegane or WHAT. I had my hopes up because he had one of the few in-character and watchable scenes of this season in episode 1, but it’s so sad that such an interesting character has been reduced to comic relief. Between invalidating Gendry’s trauma over being sexually assaulted, having no respect for Thoros’ death, spending a scene talking about DICKS with Tormund and just being an idiot in general like WHO is this asshole and WHY is he here. Also wtf at him responding to Tormund by saying “I hate gingers.” Like, is ginger even a CONCEPT in Westeros? As Tormund himself put it, it’s called “being kissed by fire” (and was it just me or was he hitting on Sandor? I could be behind that as long as it got him to STFU about Brienne. Yet ANOTHER ship that everyone needs to stop blabbing about when it has no development beyond Tormund being a fucking creep. But I digress.) But more importantly, saying he hates gingers is a LIE (hello Helga Pataki?). Oh and can we talk about how his fear of fire seems to fluctuate based on whether D&D think it will be “dramatically satisfying” or not?

—Why was GENDRY even there? Bringing this character back has had even less payoff than Sandor, especially when neither of them have mentioned their relationship with the Stark sisters. And why is he known to be the fastest all of a sudden? He just really didn’t develop in any way, so it begs the question on why he was brought back at this time.

—And speaking of thankless roles...Benjen. Joseph Mawle must be so confused but whatever, it’s a paycheck. Not only was his coming out of nowhere to save Jon so contrived and ridiculous, but his death had no meaning because he is just a plot device at this point. Fucking Viserion has had more screentime and development. And no time for Jon to reflect “my uncle who I’ve been looking for for YEARS is actually alive (sort of) but then he died” or for Daenerys to reflect on her baby dying because SEXY INCEST. Ugh. Gag me.

One more episode but at this rate, season 7 is even worse than season 5 imo.