#i literally spent several HOURS writing this yesterday lol...

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

someone on twitter posted this chart that showed the average ratings for the inside no 9 episodes and i was FLABBERGASTED by the results of it... and like i didn't think my opinions on the eps were particularly Hot Takes but... now i'm not sure lol...

anyway prepare for a (very VERY long... i wrote over 4700 words what is WRONG with me lol?!?!) ranking list that no one asked for and no one wants lol

firstly check out the post i was talking about here (and potentially be equally as shocked at the results as i was lol)

ok so i will preface by saying i have seen most of the episodes twice, but some only the once atm... also, i kinda haphazardly put this list together so it's potentially subject to change lol

final thing is that i dont thing any of the episodes are BAD, even my least favourite are still good bits of telly, but ultimately i liked them less for whatever reason (which i'll go into because i love to ramble)...

i'll try not to do any spoilers in case anyone's reading this (lol) and hasn't seen the series (double lol)

also also we're going from my least to my most favourite because that builds suspense soooo.... here we go!

55) 1.4 Last Gasp

ok so i've not just put this one last because reece isn't in it lol (though that is part of the reason(ha) lmao). though i found the premise of this episode interesting, i think ultimately the characters and direction of the story felt a lot like something you would see in a sorta run-of-the-mill sitcom... which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just not really what i personally look for in an in9 ep lol...

54) 2.5 Nana's Party

another with a similar sorta vibe to the previous one, this is just slightly higher because i enjoyed the characters a bit more here lol... i think the 'twist' of this one was a little bit lame, though, if i'm being totally honest lol...

53) 5.3 Love's Great Adventure

i appreciated what this one was going for, and i think it built up the characters with each new day in a really believable way, but mostly i just found it Okay and not super memorable... i will say that i wish i could put this higher because the kid in this was genuinely adorable & his interactions with everyone were so sweet lol

52) 1.6 The Harrowing

a slightly disappointing episode for me, especially when the set up was SO good... and yes it was DEFINITELY let down by steve not being in it lol! i totally get why they wanted to try some eps without the both of them, but yeh it really felt like it was missing something for me...

the end was alright, but i kinda wish they'd gone further with it? i did enjoy the characters though and ofc helen mccrory is a goddamn LEDGE in it lol

51) 3.2 The Bill

this might be the first of my potentially Hot Takes(tm) lol... i thought it was just Fine lol... definitely some great interactions, and the premise is hilarious, but i wouldn't say it was one that stuck with me particularly? it kinda felt like a cut league of gentlemen gag which isn't a BAD thing, but because of that it didn't feel totally new/unique to in9... idk lol... great supporting cast, though, ofc!

50) 7.3 3 by 3

this one was definitely good fun, and lee mack is great in it, but it's not one i necessarily see myself watching again any time soon? i think part of this is because i didn't see this live, or witness all the Bus Episode(tm) fuckery so i think i am at a kinda disadvantage lol... but yeah mainly sad that neither steve nor reece are in it :(

49) 1.2 A Quiet Night In

another potentially Hot Take here lol... though i liked the whole idea of it being silent comedy, i think it was let down by a couple things. first, i kinda wish it had leaned more visually into the sorta slapstick/charlie chaplin era they were referencing (like i get they probably thought that it being in black and white would be a bit TOO on the nose, but idk... i kinda think it would've added to it? that might just be me though lol... i just like when things are in black and white lol)

honestly though? my main issue was the lame transphobic joke they made w/ oona chaplin's character lol... like even for 2014, the whole 'haha woman have penis = peak comedy' was a bit tired of a trope, coupled by what happens to her at the end of the episode? idk... rubbed me the wrong way and kinda stopped me from fully loving this episode lol

48) 5.1 The Referee's A Wanker (no i'm not censoring it like it does on the iplayer fuck that lol)

i'm kinda let down by being infinitely bored by anything football related with this one lol... like i liked some of the twists, and also the final twist (after my dad explained it to me because at first i was like huh what lol...), and the characters were fun, but yeh... not really much to say other than 'it was alright lol'

47) 4.5 And The Winner Is…

i actually did mostly enjoy this one lol! we're mostly getting to the ones now that i have minimal bad things to say about (which at number 47 out of 55 is p impressive lbr)

but yeh, the reveal of this was great, and i loved the individual characters (shout out to zoë wanamaker, she stole my heart lol <3) i suppose it's just kinda low because it wasn't that exciting lol? but yeh, a solid episode anyway lol

46) 8.5 Nine Lives Kat

i loved a lot about this one, the kinda russian doll style of reveals were really clever tbh! this is one that i've only seen once and i really do feel like i should watch this one again to get my full thoughts... so who knows, its ranking might change if i were to watch it again lol

also that kiss though 👀

45) 5.4 Misdirection

i loved the opening bit, plus the tension of this episode was fab! the twist was kinda predictable, which i don't consider a negative thing generally but it just means that it falls lower against episodes with more surprising twists lol... it's definitely one i wanna watch a few times since there's a lot of details you miss with just one!

44) 8.4 Love Is A Stranger

this one was probably the most black mirror-y feeling episode they've ever done (which is a compliment, btw, because i genuinely love black mirror lol) not just because of the technological elements, but also with the general tone and that twist! i actually kinda liked that steve and reece took more of a step back in this one, it let the other characters really shine imo!

43) 5.5 Thinking Out Loud

i feel kinda bad for putting this one so low since i think it's probably one of the most interesting both conceptually and stylistically, but... there are just so many good episodes what am i supposed to doooooooo?? (not much i can really say about this one without giving things away... i did really enjoy steve's american accent though lol!) 42) 7.4 Kid/Nap

i thought i was gonna kinda dislike this one when i started watching, the premise is pretty simple and i like the split screen stuff but was worried it was gonna come across as a bit gimmicky, but honestly? i had a lot of fun with it! some really brilliant twists and turns, and genuinely one of the funniest of the episodes imo! held together by the great performances and simple but effective story!

41) 8.6 The Last Weekend

this probably would have been higher if i had just based it on my first watch (which was before a certain other episode came out), but on second watch (and with the context of that other episode that has a similar sorta premise but, imo, done much better)

regardless, though, this is a pretty iconic and VERY memorable episode lol!

40) 1.5 The Understudy

ok so my very tiny complaint about this is i wish there were more of the surreal elements (kinda hard to describe but if you've seen the episode you know what i'm referring to lol)... anyway i generally really love things that are set around the theatre tbh and this one really highlights just how good they are as writers with a very limited setting and selection of characters!

but yeh... wish there were more of the surreal/strange moments if had dotted around!

39) 9.5 Curse Of The Ninth

i generally loved the spooky atmosphere of this one! another one that i feel i need to rewatch, i feel like the ending felt a bit abrupt on this one and i definitely kinda wish it had been slightly longer (just like an extra 5 minutes come ON lads) but overall i really liked it! it's my least favourite of series 9, which really shows how strong of a final series it was tbh lol!

38) 6.3 Lip Service

there's so much to like in this episode; great layers of comedy and tragedy, plus the twist really caught me off-guard lol! definitely one of the more complicated episodes (and yes, i also need to rewatch this one lol...) 37) 5.2 Death Be Not Proud

i first watched this one with literally no knowledge of psychoville, but even then i still enjoyed it (also jenna coleman!!! kinda wish we'd seen more of her since she kinda got overshadowed by the psychoville characters, but she's still great lol), though rewatching it once i had watched the other show definitely made a lot of the references make more sense lol

wish i could put it higher just because mr jelly!!!!! love that guy, but the overall story isn't the most interesting or unique compared to the others, but it's still great regardless lol

36) 9.4 Ctrl Alt Esc

another episode that has a similar concept to an episode i like more, which is sorta preventing this from being any higher, but regardless i adored the setting (i've never been to an escape room but i have a strong feeling i'd love them lol), and i think it did such a good job at making us understand the family dynamics really quickly and effectively! also one of steve's strongest performances, i gotta say! he plays these kinds of understated characters so well imo

35) 7.5 A Random Act Of Kindness

i really like the episodes of in9 that feel like almost love letters to a particular subject and how that relates to people and their relationships... curse of the ninth was about music and the act of creation, misdirection was magic and revenge, and this one is dedicated to science, regret and loss! i think i kinda wish it ended in a different way, but i don't think the ending took away any of the rest of my enjoyment of the episode lol

34) 6.6 Last Night Of The Proms

i was most shocked that based on the ratings this is apparently the least liked episode lol? it's arguably the most political of the in9 episodes so i don't know if that's why people are a bit torn about it? or the religious elements lol?

either way overall i really liked it! i think it did a good job of combining the absurd premise with the slight political commentary, plus i really enjoyed the characters (and loved the thick west country accents lol)

33) 2.6 Seance Time

there are so many great elements of this that i can't talk about cos i don't wanna give away any spoilers, but honestly this one has some great twists as well as some genuinely pretty intense moments! i can't explain it but i feel like this would be a really good episode for anyone who hasn't seen the show before to start with? i just feel like it has a perfect 'inside no 9' energy to it lol

32) 8.1 The Bones Of St Nicholas

this might be one of my favourite interpretations of a typical ghost story tbh! possibly genuinely one of the only episodes of the show that actually scared me a bit, ngl! the overall spooky atmosphere is just so great. plus simon callow!!!!!!!!

31) 6.1 Wuthering Heist

another of my potential Hot Takes since a lot of people didn't seem to like this one? i found it genuinely really funny, plus the whole commedia dell'arte + the breaking the fourth wall thing were such unique concepts to throw into one episode lol! i think maybe it's because there were so many slightly strange concepts that people felt it was a bit unfocused??? idk... the ending wasn't my favourite, but i just felt generally the episode felt like nothing i'd really seen before!

also gemma whelan (whose name i had to google oops... she's SUCH a familiar face to me but i don't think i ever learnt her name lol) was so good in this lol

30) 9.6 Plodding On

sorta hard to know where to put the finale tbh... i've only watched it the once through, so definitely need to watch it again at some point. at the same time it's basically a love letter to the rest of the show itself, so it's sorta difficult to judge based on its own merit lol...

that being said, i loved the drama and tension, plus all (well most, ahem) of the cameos from all the people who were in the show in the past were really lovely!

but yeh... definitely a weird one to try and rank... almost feel like i need to put it in it's own list pfft

29) 7.2 Mr King

one of the first truly Bat Shit episodes on my list so far lol! i love the setting and the kid actors in this were INCREDIBLE honestly! another one i don't wanna say much about it because it's kinda better to go in blind lol

only thing i'll say is: ok but whose dicks were those pictures of? they probably mentioned it in a behind the scenes episode or on twitter or smth but i've not seen anything and i'm kinda intrigued did they just.... find them online? did they ask staff? how does one find random pictures of penises(peni?) to use in your dark comedy show lol???

28) 9.1 Boo To A Goose

there's a lot to love about this episode, SO many absolutely incredible british actors (joel fry, susan wokoma, mark bonnar!!!!) plus drag queen steve!??! hELLO???? AND it's on a train!!!! the twist definitely felt reminiscent of a lot of other older horror media, but that didn't stop it being surprising or memorable!

27) 4.4 To Have And To Hold

1st thing: good for her.

2nd thing, this episode was SO good! i had no idea where it was gonna go with the story so the reveal was super shocking to me, plus nicola walker seriously KILLED with her performance ngl!

this is definitely a slow burn episode, so if at any point you're feeling like it's dragging i do implore you to stick with it!

26) 4.6 Tempting Fate

now, if we were ranking these on 'how cute reece looks' then this would be in the top 3 at least sorry not sorry... unfortunately we're NOT ranking them based on that criteria so it'll have to remain at 26th place lol

i really enjoyed the premise and characters of this one! i also especially liked how the hare from this episode is featured in every episode of the show which creates this really kinda insane idea that what if every single story is actually connected lol?!?!

25) 1.1 Sardines

i feel like i should put this one higher because it is pretty iconic first episode of the show, but there are just so many good episodes what am i supposed to DO?!!!!!!?!?

this is technically the episode i've seen the most, i believe, and i do still find so much to enjoy about it even though i've seen it like 3+ times at this point! so many great actors involved lol

side note, i had not actually heard of sardines as a game until i watched this and wasn't entirely sure if they'd just made it up pfft... anyway maybe it's just a northern thing or smth because i'm sure we didn't have this in the south pfft... just plain ol' hide and seek lol

24) 8.3 Paraskevidekatriaphobia

one of the most jarring twists (literally kinda feels like it comes out of nowhere, at least to me pfft), but i definitely still liked it! there was a nice bit of slapstick comedy in this which i appreciated! there were also a lot of superstitions in this that i wasn't familiar with (like the peacock feather one lol)

not really much else to say, it's just a really solid episode lol!

23) 7.1 Merrily Merrily

i did love that this one felt legit like a reunion between the (3) members of the league of gentlemen tbh they were obviously still playing characters, but their interactions just felt so natural and i really enjoyed it! plus diane motherfucking morgan is one of the funniest people alive i SWEAR to god lol! the pee scene made me cry with laughter ngl lol

i honestly think this one is kinda underrated? idk if it was because it was more emotional and character driven than some of the others? (which doesn't make sense since The most popular episode is an emotional, character driven one pfft... idk... people are strange)

22) 6.4 Hurry Up And Wait

so if we were ranking these based on 'how cute reece looks' then this would be RIGHT at the bottom because girl WHAT was that fucking wig?!?! thankfully we're NOT ranking it on that so this gets to be at 22nd lol

as said before, i really like films and shows that deal with theatre or actors, so it was really fun to see actors acting like complete divas lol i was a little worried that the mystery element was going to be another kinda lazy lame joke, but they actually went more of an interesting direction with it imo!

21) 2.3 The Trial Of Elizabeth Gadge

part of me kinda wished they'd done more historical episodes like this because I genuinely loved the setting! there's also a great load of humour in this one, which a pretty legendary couple of twists at the end that made me go like 'OHHHH!??!!' when i first watched it pfft

20) 3.4 Empty Orchestra

arguably the most wholesome episode of the entire show, and usually i wouldn't be a big fan of this kinda episode (like i said i didn't the bottom 2 eps because they felt too much like generic sitcoms lol), BUT there was something in the characters and the genuinely really uplifting and kinda sweet vibe of this one that i couldn't help but love lol!

it's also the closest we got to a musical episode which i'm STILL bummed we never got... like yeh i get logistically it's super hard to do but .... i wanted to hear them sing :((((((

19) 9.3 Mulberry Close

another case of 'there's another similar episode that i liked more' which is sorta why this isn't higher lol regardless, it's such a clever concept to be told entirely through the cctv footage, and the general story and collection of characters were super interesting! i haven't rewatched it yet so definitely need to give it another go lol!

18) 4.7 Dead Line

ok so i need y'all to know that i was watching this literally YEARS after the ep aired with me dad but we STILL got bamboozled by the show cutting out pfft... which might just be because we're dumb but i like to think it's also just because it's so well crafted! it is another one that you need to go in blind imo so please just check it out if you haven't!

recently watched a great video essay on yt where someone spoke about this episode (check it out here!)

17) 2.2 The 12 Days Of Christine

gasp 12 days of christine? not in the top 10???!?!

ok this is IS an amazing episode, and sheridan smith is honestly one of the most under-appreciated british actors imo

BUT idk i think on rewatch the impact of the twist had definitely lessened? like i remember coming up with all these theories on my first watch which were TOTALLY wrong lol... and yeh like there are definitely just other eps i like more... it's good! it's SO good! i still love it! i just... idk lol

16) 3.6 Private View

maybe it's the art nerd in me but i really did love this one lol! i liked the murder mystery vibe of this one with a group of people being invited to an mysterious location and as a viewer you spend the whole time desperately trying to figure out their connection lol!

i liked the small peter kay cameo, plus morgana robinson as a big brother celeb was so fucking funny lol! plus the twists were really mad and i loved them lol!

15) 2.1 La Couchette

very similar to the previous one, but i really did love the collection of kooky characters here lol plus as someone who has been in several hostels (not on a train, but hostels are hostels) i relate HEAVILY to being surrounded by just the strangest and loudest people you will ever meet pfft...

(shout out to the korean guy that came in at like 2am, showered (the shower was right next to the beds so we could hear everything) and he appeared to have everything he ever owned in paper bags which he rustled about for like 20 minutes... i really contemplated murder that night lemme tell you...)

uh anyway yeh this episode is great lol!

14) 6.2 Simon Says

we're onto my ultimate favourite episodes at this point btw lol

this episode is full of great twists and suspense, plus nick mohammed! i like the way they explored fandom culture in a way that didn't feel like it was being overtly mean to the idea of fandom itself (cough unlike sherlock cough and supernatural cough)!

also if we were ranking these episodes based on 'how cute steve looks' then this would be number 1 hands DOWN lol!

13) 1.3 Tom and Gerri

my highest rated series 1 epsiode! i'd actually forgotten about the twist of this one when i rewatched it recently, but i still really loved it tbh!

a great combination of horror with a really emotional through line, plus even at the end you're never really sure what is real or not lol...

12) 3.3 Riddle Of The Sphinx

this episode is SO fucked up and SO good lol!!! you never guess where the story is going next and it's just a wild experience lol! again, don't wanna say too much to give anything away but i will say i understand cryptic crosswords even LESS after watching this twice pfft...

11) 4.1 Zanzibar

if i had any skills i would write my review for this in imabic pentameter ... but alas i do not

this episode felt like such an amazing demonstration of reece and steve's writing prowess! it's funny, the story is absolutely mad with so many crazy twists, and a stellar cast! so worth a watch, especially if you like anything vaguely shakespearan and theatrical lol!

10) 6.5 How Do You Plead

another one where i had SO many theories of where the episode was going to go only to be completely wrong and the twist shook me and i LOVED it! there isn't really much to the story, but it's truly carried by the brilliant performances imo!

9) 3.1 The Devil Of Christmas

i've not really heard anyone talk about this episode much but i was so taken aback by how much i really loved it! jessica raine absolutely NAILS her performance as a 60s/70s actor, and the general film aesthetic and dialogue style is just perfect, and the reveals throughout the episode just add so SO much to the enjoyment of this!

i have a feeling this might actually go up in my rankings when i eventually rewatch it because there are just SO many interesting layers to it imo!

also i just realised i've included the two episodes derek jacobi was in back to back pfft.. wasn't on purpose but he is a legend lol!

8) 9.2 The Trolley Problem

highest rated 9th series episode woop woop!

i rewatched this one recently and realised it reminded me a lot of the story in Last Weekend, but just as i said in that review, i much preferred the way this story was handled to the other one!

(don't get me wrong, they're VERY different just... sorta similar vibes lol)

anyway this is a very dark episode, both physically (it's set at night and i can't see a THING) and conceptually, but the way this combined the psychology elements with comedy is truly masterful!

7) 5.6 The Stakeout

ok so Funny Story about this one

i'd been on a big binge of in9 episodes a few years back and i got to this one and was about half way through when i realised i needed to take a break lol it didn't help that the episode itself is pretty slow burn, especially after watching some of the others that are a lot more fast paced lol... so basically, i paused it with the intention of returning in a few days or so except... then several years go by and i STILL hadn't seen the end of it pfft

anyway, finally watched it this year and it instantly got transported into my top 10 because that twist was SO iconic lol! it's so simple of a concept (steve and reece spend the entire time yapping in a police car) but it's so cleverly written!

6) 8.2 Mother's Ruin

i was a little bit surprised that this one had a lower rating than the rest of series 8 tbh? anyway i LOVED this one lol! the incense line make me laugh every time i hear it, and in general i loved the relationship between the brothers and everything surrounding their mother!

also as someone who recently watched the film reece was in called 'the cottage' (which also starred andy serkis), i can't help but think it was at least somewhat of an inspiration for this episode lol (they may have talked about this already btw but idk)

5) 7.6 Wise Owl

oof... this episode made me go Oof about 500 times after i watched it

it's a good oof... but it is an oof lol

i haven't rewatched it yet and i'm kinda nervous about doing it cos it did sorta emotionally devastate me lol

4) 4.3 Once Removed

in terms of how this story is told, i'd honestly say it was my ultimate favourite inside no 9 format! it's not something i've ever really seen before and it felt so interesting and built the story in such a unique way! also shout out to monica dolan (whose name i forget EVERY time idk why) who is honestly one of the best british actors ever yes i know i've said that about everyone on this list but shhhhhhhhhhh lol

also absolutely loved all the andrew lloyd webber stuff (which isn't a spoiler btw lol...)

3) 2.4 Cold Comfort

another one where i mentioned before that in Mulberry Close there's another episode with the concept of the story being exclusively filmed through cctv footage (deadline also does it but shhh)! i love that concept, especially with the multiple screens where you're constantly aware of things happening in the other booths which just keeps you on edge!

the reveal is super chilling and though i haven't rewatched it yet, i am honestly really excited to because i feel there were SO many things i missed on my first watch!

2) 4.2 Bernie Clifton's Dressing Room

oof part TWO lol... another one i haven't rewatched because it made me cry and i need at least another few months to recover from the first watch pfft... it is still funny btw! i think a lot of people talk about episodes like this and how sad they are, but it has a lot of great comedy in it which is i think part of why the emotionality hits so hard!

side note, i keep accidentally calling this 'bernie CLIFFORD'S dressing room' and i have no idea why lol... i don't think there's anyone called bernie clifford lol??? help?????

1) 3.5 Diddle Diddle Dumpling

trying to figure out my favourite episode was kinda hard, and i think any one of my top 15 could ultimately take this place, but honestly? rewatching this one i just was so overwhelmed with how beautifully crafted this episode is!

it also features my favourite performance by reece... a amazing combination of subtle moments with the bigger explosions of emotion, you instantly feel so much for his character tbh!

the twist isn't necessarily as shocking or intense as others, but there's something so heartbreaking when you realise it that changes the entire feeling of the episode... also mathew baynton is briefly there which i enjoyed lol!

i'm so sorry this post was so long lmao i'm sure no one will have read this far but if you HAVE then THANK you <3 i really love this show can u tell? WHY did it take me so long to get into it smh smh smh smh

anyway if you have read this far then let me know what your favourites were or just if you have general thoughts on my general thoughts u know? idk basically my ask box is always open if anyone wants to ramble about this show or whatever else lol

[slut4thebroken]

Yo babe are you doing ok? You don’t owe an explanation for absence obviously, just checking in to make sure it’s not about something bad. Hope you’re doing well. :)

Thanks for asking pookie🫶🫶 I’ve just been going through a lot (for me lmao). My bathroom has had ants for several weeks now and I’ve started seeing a couple in my room which is right next to the bathroom. I’ve also been seeing those tiny spiders on my windowsill and two nights ago I saw a pincher bug???? Anyway Sunday night I noticed a bite on my leg and that shit hurt so fucking bad😭 and the red circle around it was like 1.5 inches which freaked me out enough to email my doctor and as if I should come in skfhsk. Then on Monday I got a bite on my arm🙃 yesterday the bite on my thigh was getting way better (as in the red circle around the bite was more pink now and it didn’t hurt as much) BUT… that second bite was my breaking point lmao so I decided Monday night that I was going to go to my parents house (2 hours away) until pest control comes next Monday. So I spent basically all of Tuesday packing shit, pulling the furniture away from the walls for when they come spray, and getting my cat ready😭 And idk if anyone remembers the last time I drove with my cat to my parents house but he is HORRIBLE in the car💀 and recently he’s had diarrhea. So I literally had to stop three fucking times on the way out here because he pooped the first time, then the next two times were just like… liquid😭😭😭 I ended up getting here a little before 2 am and I was so tired that I didn’t even eat and I could barely go on my phone for longer than 10 min lol.

Anyway uhh I do have to spend time with my family while I’m out here but since they’re working during the day I have a lot of time to myself and I’m not as stressed anymore😭 I’ve been trying to write but idk I’m just really stuggling to find motivation and it’s so fucking annoying

[mamamittens]

Update!

Well, this week has been fuck all for production hasn't it lol? Literally passed out for about 16 hours yesterday and am tempted to do it again.

Sorry about that, by the way, it's been an exhausting and stressful week at work prepping for inventory (which was today) basically by myself and with two major storms having blown into my area (one just winding down for me with currently over 80,000 power outages and winds reaching up to 90 miles an hour, yikes) that had tornado threats so I had to watch like a hawk in case we needed to take shelter quickly.

Okay, I say need but it's mostly for my anxiety but I still spent most of this afternoon sick and nauseous from either the steak I had for dinner or stress. Probably both idk, my body is a bit weird sometimes.

Folks that have been around while may know that I don't tend to write anything if there's severe weather in my area, so anyone new can now know that too lol

Plans for the future? Well, I want to knock out those requests and address the asks that have been gathering dust in my inbox (whoops). I'm still deciding if I want to introduce Koala (and start waving that Fisher death flag lol) or keep walking through those big milestones--ah I still need to introduce the toxin thing whoops--maybe saving a few for emotional flashbacks? It is about a 2 year jump so there's quite a lot that could happen in that timespan.

It's a little hard to say cause idk how interested y'all are in the other, less exciting baby firsts compared to walking and talking. And while I enjoy writing in these little moments and mostly get my serotonin thataway from fic ideas to keep me going and interested, I don't intend to bore you all.

Oh! I will start cross posting on AO3 soon just to avoid the tedious process of uploading the entire thing(when I finish) chapter by chapter cause that shit sucked ngl so look forward to that I suppose~

Bear in mind that I have about 3 hours of free time on weekdays so some things genuinely take me a while if I want to do other things like catch up on fics or YouTube... Or Tears of the Kingdom lmao

Hopefully, I'll see y'all soon with more content!

And sorry for the delay, this hasn't been my intention but when is it ever?

[digirhys]

Got to do smth incredibly fun and enriching yesterday!! I rly love hunting down sources for uncredited/stolen art. 1) it is infuriating seeing that happen to other artists and so 2) feels rly good when I can let them know & point ppl their way to appreciate what they're making!! And 3) just in general it's fun for me bc it's like a treasure hunt puzzle for stuff that isn't quite as simple as just plugging it into google or tineye reverse image search! I love it!!!!

✨️I got to track down the artist for 8-year-old expression meme!!✨️

Someone on bsky last night mentioned having an expression meme (one of those classic pick a letter + number grids full of faces) but not wanting to post it to take suggestions bc they couldn't find & credit the artist. I volunteered to try n help if she wanted to send it to me bc I'm a little Insane abt that and had just done a source hunt for some stolen art earlier that day and was Pumped lmao Despite having a semi-legible signature it took me abt 1.5hrs to hunt down the artist (admittedly might've been much quicker if I'd slept first n tried to do it today lol) and I just found the digital "paper trail" rly neat, and wanted to share! Plus, actually give credit back to the artist's current socials since this thing has been RAMPANTLY reposted across deviantart for the last 8 years. I'll put it all below so u can ignore it lmao

We will start w the meme in question! One I've certainly seen before, and so have MANY others lol

It's small n sorta faint but there's def a visible signature beneath A1 that appears to read "@garmekoii" to the best I could tell. Googling the name tho only bring up ONE result from an aminoapps post on Oct 25, 2017 where a user posted it (along w several similar memes) and credits this one specifically to garmekoii on tumblr, with the note "*I literally spent an hour searching to find that the username was written on this,,,,, I just hope it's accurate"

Unfortunately, if that tumblr existed, it and the variants have long-since been gone. A glimmer of hope for a sec there but, ah, definitely not it lmao

Outright searching the URLs in tumblr search didn't result w anything even from a browser, which was. Unsurprising lmao ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and the image searches from Google and tineye unfortunately only pulled up any number of the times this has been reposted in "stolen from X" reposts on dA that just. Point back to the prev dA user, none of which were the OG artist fhsjfbshf and in fact many just say "meme isn't mine/I just stole this" FHSJFBSH😂😭 with tineye at LEAST I could determine that, well, this meme is at LEAST from early February 2017 or earlier

A SMARTER (and better-rested) PERSON MIGHT'VE THEN GONE THROUGH ALL OF THE PREV TUMBLR URLS ON DEVIANTART INSTEAD!!! I WAS NOT THAT PERSON AT 11:30PM LMAO (to be fair I did check garmekoii and gamekoii...but not gamekoi) instead like a lunatic who Didn't have to wake up less than 6hrs later for work, I was clicking through the dA results one by one on tineye until......someone in the description credited it back to @\gladejade here on tumblr :0 unlikely to be the artist, but maybe SHE had a link back to the artist!! So to her archives I went, staring August 2017 and back, as that was when the dA post was from

And!!! There were indeed drawings of her filling prompts from the meme w Trigun characters on January 1, 2017 lmao!!!! Only she was taking the prompts on her Twitter so the meme wasn't actually on her blog (in the midst of writing this n double-checking smth i DID actually find a reblog of Jade's tumblr post of the meme from Jan 4, 2017 but for whatever reason the original post was deleted lol so she did have it on tumblr at least for a bit to take prompts here too), but!! Twitter was still linked!! At this point i thanked CHRIST she was not an artist who'd been chronically posting multiple images a day every day since January 2017😭 so it only took a minute to find scrolling thru the media tab!............but, sadly, no additional insight onto a link back to the artist, even a defunct link or @ 😔😔😔😔

At this point I was getting close to calling quits at least for the night, maybe to try taking a look on my actual computer come morning, but.....I noticed that Google image search lets you put in a URL, so, figured what the hell. The meme was originally sent to me AS the direct tumblr PNG address, maybe that'd bring up something different...??? Possibly???????

It didn't lmao so on a whim I just started typing the url variations into google in quotes to see if ANYTHING would pull up, and-

Holy shit lol!!!!! I could’ve gone to sleep right then from embarrassment at having checked that spelling of the URL on deviantart yet, fuck lmao but!! Lo and behold!!!!!!

THEY FUCKING LIVE(D)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They were going by Koi but now by Fish. The gallery here is sparse and the meme is nowhere in sight, but at this point I could confidently say I had found the original artist who created the meme! But, I am nothing if not extra, and wanted to see if I could find the original post of the meme, if it still existed. Just for fun! There was ONE archived version of the dA from January 23, 2022, but for whatever reason it returns a 403 error when trying to view the snapshot. So to the social links I went!! Insta linked to a defunct account but the Twitter is alive-ish and well, at least (hasn’t been touched since mid-2023), and THAT links to what appears to be a fairly current carrd!!! She even has a tumblr @\disco--fish !!! I’m not directly tagging bc I don’t want to be weird, but PLEASE go check it out n give their art some love!!

Anyway, back to the meme hunt

Insta was the best bet and wouldn’t ya know, he’s actively posting art as of July 2024!!! Fuck yeah!!!!! No sign of the meme though, here or on their doodle account 🤔 could sense I was nearing the end one way or another – at least I was gonna be able to confidently say I’d found the artist in order to credit her for the meme!!! Since I was thoroughly embarrassed by having not checked the gamekoi dA earlier and saving myself a good chunk of time, I tried those on insta, just in case.

And!! The gamekoii account still exists, hot damn!!!! No meme in sight THERE, but there is a link to what was a Hamilton art side account. I’ve nearly exhausted my options so. Why not lol. Scrolling back through the gallery, and. Holy shit-

!!!!!!!!

IT!!!!!!!!!

THE MEME, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND!! DATE OF POSTING DECEMBER 29, 2016!!!!!! WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE original, or at least the oldest surviving post of the meme BY the artist, 8 years later (if it was ever posted to gamekoii I’ll never know bc that Insta isn’t in the wayback machine) with the digital paper trail to prove the original artist to credit for it!!!!!!!!!!

gamekoii (insta) links to oui.lafayette (insta), which holds the original meme!

oui.lafayette (insta) moves to cocoakoi (insta), which moves to the defunct sucrefish (insta), BUT gamekoi (dA) links to the same defunct insta as well as ssugarfish (twt)

ssugarfish (twt) in turn links to discofish (carrd), which links to disco--fish (tumblr) and the ACTIVE diiscofish & zuccheropesce (both insta). There IS also a bsky under discofish but looks like, similar to twt, it hasn't been used in abt a year :0

A complete, albeit scattered, timeline of Fish's art over the years, including a much loved (& criminally reposted lol) expression meme!! Idk, I find that cool as shit from like an "art history" n preservation standpoint :000

Anyway, was this necessary???? To a degree!! I think crediting artists is absolutely vital, EVEN if that means pointing back to a dead URL if they've abandoned old personas or posting online as a whole. And I absolutely could've found it much quicker if I'd gone to bed like a reasonable person and simply tried doing it today from a proper desktop browser ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but! Here we are lol

So, if you've ever used this meme:

Please give credit & thanks to disco--fish (tumblr), diiscofish (instagram), ssugarfish (twt), or sugarfish (bsky)!

[dungeons-are-too-cold]

Penelope's Birthday: The (Very Early) Morning

Summary: Summary: Garcia is VERY excited to celebrate her first birthday with her boyfriend Luke Alvez, and he’s struggling to keep up.

Warnings: mentions of food

Author's note: Hey!!! This is the first part of a three part garvez series that i have literally been writing for so long. It started as something i was writing for @ofwilliamandwalter 's birthday writing challenge, but then i started my school semester and life kinda got in the way, but its finally getting on its feet!!! So part one is dedicated to Emmy as the most belated happy birthday ever lol.

Read on AO3 here!

"CELEBRATE ME! TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!" Penelope practically screamed.

"It's four in the morning."

"Yeah! I was born at four in the morning!" She prodded her sleepy boyfriend, Luke, until he finally stirred and sat up.

“Well then happy birthday, chica,” he whispered into her forehead as he placed a gentle kiss along her hair line. At his attempt to snuggle back into her she just sat there expectantly, like she was waiting for something to happen.

“Do you wanna get up now and have coffee? Or do you want to go back to sleep?”

“Oh, my sweet boy, how can I sleep on a day like this?”

“Fair enough, I’ll put the pot on.” Luke dragged himself out of bed and slipped on the closest pajama pants he could get his hands on. Penelope excitedly wiggled as Luke plodded off to the kitchen. “Why don’t you get in the shower, Pen,” he called back. “I need some time, but I’ll be ready by the time you get out, okay?” She agreed and sped off to the shower. “And take your time!” he called after her.

The second she disappeared behind the bathroom door, Luke sprinted to his car out front. He hadn’t planned for Penelope to wake up this early, so he was slightly behind schedule with his birthday plans and desperate to get it all done before she got out. Personally, he wasn’t much of a birthday guy. Luke never really celebrated his birthday, especially as an adult, but he knew that it was an important day for Penelope, so he was willing to try. This was their first birthday as a couple, and he wanted to make his girl feel special.

When he reached his car, bolting down three flights of stairs to get there, a helium tank, several packages of balloons, and a large canvas banner greeted him in the trunk. Being the macho man that he was, Luke attempted to gather and carry everything all at the same time back to his apartment. He didn’t want to waste any time.

The rest of the morning was spent blowing up sparkly balloons and hanging streamers. In between all the decorating, he was cutting strawberries, flipping pancakes, and gathering all the toppings for breakfast. He even broke a sweat desperately trying to tie the balloons to Penelope’s breakfast chair.

When she finally walked into the living room, wrapped in her robe, Luke was perched delicately on a step ladder tacking up the banner. Everything was slightly a mess. Some stray balloons had floated up to the ceiling, and a roll of streamers had rolled all the way across the room, unraveling as it went, but a large spread of pancakes with strawberries, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup was laid out perfectly on the table.

“There was supposed to be more, but I didn’t expect you up this early.” He nearly took a spill off the stool when he turned to look at her entering the space. Quickly he finished hanging the sign and stepped down to place a gentle kiss on his girlfriend’s forehead.

“So, what do you think?” he said, gesturing to the decorations he had haphazardly thrown up in the last half hour. The sign was crooked on the wall, and the letters were messy where the paint hadn’t quite dried before he shoved it in his car yesterday, but he beamed up at his work, hoping she would love it. Penelope’s eyes were trained on the breakfast table, though.

“I think I need you to feed me one of those strawberries dipped in that chocolate syrup.” Luke felt slightly defeated. Despite the appearance, he had worked really hard on the sign and balloons. Her sweet tooth always won out against anything else.

“Well then, sit down in your special birthday chair and I’ll get to it.” He pulled out the chair with the balloons, accidentally dislodging a few of them. “The stupid ribbon won’t stay tied,” he said dejectedly. At the last minute he had decided to staple them to the back of the chair, but it was less than successful. She didn’t seem to mind though. She quickly took her seat and squealed with excitement.

“I can’t believe I get my own special birthday chair! I love it, Lukey,” she said just before he swiped a strawberry in chocolate and placed it on her lips. A grateful moan escaped as she took a bite. “This is perfect. I can’t wait to see what else you have planned.”

To be honest, it wasn’t much. Luke had wanted to plan a surprise party for Penelope at her favorite bar, considering how much she loved her birthday. However, when he talked to Emily for help, she informed him that Penelope had already asked about planning her own surprise party. Of course Penelope was planning her own party; that was so her. There was no way she would leave something as important as her birthday party up to chance. Still, Luke was doing his best to help, but the main task he was given by Emily was to keep Penny away from the office and from the bar.

It shouldn’t have been as difficult a task as it was turning out to be. Hoping she would be asleep for much longer than she was, all he had planned was late breakfast and dinner, in-between which he wanted to take her to see the butterfly pavilion at the Smithsonian and spend some time in the pollinator garden. She loved all the flowers this time of year, and despite living in DC for years, she had never been to the Smithsonian. However, when he was thinking about a late breakfast, he was thinking closer to noon. It was very much not noon.

As the two of them finished up breakfast around 6am, he shooed Penelope off so he could clean up. Again, the second she was gone, Luke went into a panic. Needing some help, he called the only person he knew would be up.

“Matt!” he whispered into the phone

“Who is this?” Matt responded groggily. Clearly, he had not been awake before the phone call.

“Matt, it’s Luke.”

“Why are you calling me? It’s 6am dude.”

“I figured you were already up. Don’t your kids have soccer Saturday mornings?”

“They don’t this weekend, their coach got sick. I was happily asleep until you called. What’s so urgent?”

“Penelope is up. Like not just awake but like up-up. She wants to know what I have planned, and honestly? I don’t have enough plans to fill a whole day!” Luke was pacing around the kitchen, phone sandwiched in between his ear and his shoulder as he frantically cleaned up the mess. He could hear Matt shift and Kristy wake up in the background.

“Who are you talking to?”

“It’s Luke, Penelope is already up.”

“Shit that’s bad” Luke heard Kristy shift in the blankets as well.

Both of them were in on the surprise party later. Matt had even helped Luke make his plans for the day considering how many birthdays he had spent with his wife at that point. Hearing two seasoned birthday pros say that this was bad definitely put Luke on edge. What was he going to do?

“Babe, close your ears because I’m about to give Luke my all-time best kept significant other secret and I want to make sure it will still work on you later.” Matt said.

“Totally not ruining the magic, Matt. I’m going to put on coffee” she said. Luke could hear her close the door through the phone and Matt resumed his birthday coaching.

“Okay. This has consistently worked on Kristy, so I think Penelope won’t be the wiser. Basically, all you have to do is have Penelope guess what your plans are, and as soon as she says something she seems excited enough about that’s doable, you just tell her yes! She’ll be excited that she guessed it, and you already know it’s something she was thinking about, and you didn’t even have to plan anything yourself. You can adjust everything as needed but I’m telling you, it works every time.”

“You are a lifesaver! Penelope is coming back out, gotta go but thank you again!”

Luke practically slammed his phone down on the table as he started the dishes. It seemed simple enough. He could do the gardens and butterfly pavilion first before lunch, and then see where the day takes them. Shit, now he had to think about lunch too. He didn’t even know how to dress anymore, suddenly realizing he was still in his pajamas. What do you wear to whatever Penelope had in mind? It was going to be a long day.

Penelope emerged from the bathroom and snaked her arms around Luke’s waist as he dried the pans. Her hair was up, and her makeup done, but she was still in just her underwear and robe. Her hands grazed up and down his skin as she laid her head on his back.

“You doing okay back there?” he joked.

“Yeah, just happy to wake up with you. And on my birthday no less.”

As much as he loved when Penelope was this sweet, he knew it was because she had high expectations for what was to come, and he was terrified of disappointing her.

AHHHHH Okay I am so happy to get this out finally. Please let me know what you think so far!!!!! make your guesses about what you think is gonna happen too!!!!! I'd love to heare your thoughts.

Thank you to @snailsandpuppy-dogtails and @darcyfangirlsfrequently for reading for me before I posted!!!

Reblogs and comments are always appreciated!!!

[bestworstcase]

replies on this post ( @ngocthach4020​, numbering mine ):

Counterarguments:

1 - While I do agree that Zhan Tiri does a good job making it seem like she does care about Cassandra, the fact that Cassandra trusted a total stranger for over a year in itself makes her intelligence dubious at best. Not to mention Cassandra never asks the total stranger who mysteriously knows this much about her for her NAME during all that time, nor tries to find out anything else about her.

2 - Rapunzel is the heir to the throne. Of course she’s going to get more recognition than Cassandra. Cassandra herself was given multiple guard assignments throughout Season 1, cheered on by the people of Corona even when she came second place to Rapunzel at the Challenge of the Brave, and trusted with leading the assault against Varian in the season finale. This isn’t even getting into how she has plenty of opportunities at Ingvarr or Vardaros.

3 - The people of Vardaros focused on Rapunzel despite preferring Cassandra over her, yes, but that doesn’t change how they treated Rapunzel like dirt and Cassandra seemed to LIKE that.

4 - In the song I’d Give Anything, Rapunzel does acknowledge she wronged Cassandra.

5 - Just because Cassandra has legitimate grievances, it doesn’t excuse her trying to murder people who never did anything bad to her, which she does several times throughout Season 3.

firstly: i mean this in the kindest way possible but none of these are actually counter-arguments to the point i was making, which is that cassandra has very good reasons for her decision to trust zhan tiri and be emotionally vulnerable with her in the house of yesterday’s tomorrow. #2 is the only one relevant to the subject at hand, #1, #4, and #5 all concern things that happen after the incident being discussed and are thus irrelevant, and for #3 it’s unclear to me what point you think you’re countering and also, i have no idea what you’re talking about. 

but as with anything i have plenty of thoughts

#1: i have two thoughts about this one

the first is that this is, first and foremost, a writing issue. for whatever reason, the writing team was not interested in digging into cassandra’s character arc in s3, and they also were not interested in developing zhan tiri as a character, and they really were not interested in elaborating on the cass + zhan tiri friendship whatsoever. the end result of this lack of interest is that all of this character development is gestured at or loosely implied, and the vast majority of their relationship occurs off screen. we are shown their first meeting in relative detail, given a handful of brief glimpses that mostly comprise zhan tiri saying a line or two while cassandra listens and glares, and then given the end result of cass doing whatever zhan tiri tells her to do until a narratively convenient plot device is inserted to make her stop. the character development in this arc is extremely poor. no one is arguing that it isn’t. 

however my second thought is that, as a consequence, “cass travels with this person for almost a year without ever asking her name or trying to find out anything about her” is not, in fact, canon. that’s a matter of interpretation. (eg: i spent the entirety of the first half of the season assuming that of course cassandra knew who zhan tiri was, my reaction to CR in this regard boiled down to “well if cass didn’t already know that was zhan tiri she certainly does NOW,” RTTS did nothing to change my mind, and i was legitimately taken aback when OAH confirmed that cass just didn’t know. all of this was a plausible interpretation because so little of the cass + ziti relationship actually develops on screen. there is SO MUCH information missing.)

the point being: the only canonical information we have regarding zhan tiri’s identity and cassandra’s knowledge thereof is that cassandra doesn’t learn zhan tiri’s true identity until OAH. this does not preclude cassandra pressing the issue and zhan tiri lying to her by telling her a fake name, or feigning ignorance (a la “i’ve been trapped in that house for as long as i can remember and i have no idea where i came from or who i was before then,” which is absolutely a plausible cover story given the kind of things tromus pulled off whilst team corona was trapped in the HOYT and that cass herself has very recent experience with magical memory loss), or masquerading as an aspect of the moonstone itself (which is at least plausible enough that a good chunk of the fandom theorized that that’s who she was in the early half of the season). 

there is, frankly, no evidence to support interpreting cassandra’s “who are you?” as “i’ve literally never asked this question before” instead of “you told me things about yourself that i believed but it’s not adding up anymore so i’m confronting you on your lies” or vice versa, because... we just don’t know. i personally favor the latter interpretation over the former, because it makes more sense to me, but the text is unclear.

all of which is to say: the post was about why cassandra trusts zhan tiri initially, a questions which - as i said in the original post - is answered very clearly on screen. there is not enough canonical information about the development of their relationship afterwards to do anything more than speculative analysis, ie headcanon, regarding how zhan tiri cultivated that trust. for what it’s worth my personal assumption is that zhan tiri continued to act as she does in RR, fostering the emotional connection between herself and cassandra, and that shortly after the stinger in who’s afraid of the big bad wolf (ie their second proper meeting) she gave cass some explanation of who she was and what she wanted. i also make the general assumption that they shared a lot of conversations during the long walk back to corona because it is ludicrous to imagine otherwise. 

#2: cassandra is a commoner who was indoctrinated from birth with the cultural belief that the lives of the royal family are more important and have more inherent worth than her own. this only intensified once rapunzel returned to corona. cassandra exists in a system that chews her up and spits her out without so much as a thank you, and rapunzel is the center around which that system orbits. “rapunzel is the heir to the throne so of course she gets more recognition than cassandra, her servant” isn’t, in fact, a counterargument. that is exactly the problem. the world cass is in is inherently devalues her personhood. even her own father repeatedly prioritizes his duty to the monarchy over the wellbeing of his daughter.

in s1, cass is given guard duties which she is expected to fit around her already extremely busy schedule as a maid and lady-in-waiting to the princess, all without ever being made an actual member of the royal guard. she is given, in other words, all of the work and responsibility without any of the recognition, salary, benefits, or job security afforded to actual guards, and she is expected to do it during her scant time off. and she does it all with the constant unspoken threat of being sent to a convent against her will if she screws up looming over her head. that’s not... privilege or an opportunity, that’s flat out exploitation. 

even in SOTS, she is only put in command of the assault on old corona because most of the higher officers of the guard are out of commission, including the captain. and this happens mere hours after her father forcibly sends her to a convent, which really underscores what little autonomy cassandra has in her life and how capricious and arbitrary any “opportunities” that come her way in corona are. 

yes, she is better accepted in vardaros and the queen of ingvarr did at one point extend an invitation for her to join the battalion in ingvarr, but—again, that’s not really a counterargument. “cassandra would have to leave her home and move to a foreign kingdom in order to be treated with respect and live as her authentic self” is an enormous indictment of corona itself. 

#3: the vardarans are less than receptive to rapunzel attempting to force her sunny demeanor onto them and react with hostile indifference when she persists even after being told—by multiple people including vex, quaid, cassandra, and iirc eugene—that her behavior was not wanted or welcome. they make their opinions known without making any attempt to soften the blow, but—with the one exception of “ya clod” lady—none of them harass or bully her. i’m not sure where you’re getting “they treat her like dirt” from. they treat her like people who are annoyed with having someone else’s culture jammed down their throats by some foreign princess, which,

cass, by the same token, enjoys being surrounded by people she “clicks” with and with whom she can just relax and be herself, and she repeatedly cautions rapunzel against trying to make the vardarans act, think, and feel like coronans... in other words, she advises rapunzel to be culturally sensitive. and she’s right to do so. cass doesn’t start gloating about being better liked until after rapunzel lashes out at her and makes a huge deal out of cass’s events being different / more in tune with vardaran culture than her own. 

#4: things rapunzel does a full year after cass meets zhan tiri in the shell house are not relevant to the question of why cass trusts zhan tiri in the shell house and also lol no... she doesn’t? these are the lyrics of i’d give anything: 

[RAPUNZEL] I know we've grown apart It breaks my heart in two I miss your company The closeness we once knew

I won't pretend to know Just what you're going through But I'd give anything for you Yes, I'd give anything to relive everything with you So if you find that you're in darkness or despair Though you won't turn to me Please know I'll be right there Name any sacrifice I'll pay the price that's due 'Cause I'd give anything for you Yes, I'd give anything to relive everything we knew Yes, I'd give anything For you

i don’t... know how to read an expression of apology or even just acknowledgement of wrongdoing into this song because it... isn’t there. this is the exact same sentiment rapunzel spends the entirety of s3 expressing, which is that she misses her friendship with cass and would do anything to get it back and she doesn’t understand why cassandra is so upset. and frankly it really. does not reflect well on rapunzel as a character because cassandra explains her grievances very clearly at the beginning of the season: “my whole life, i’ve been cast aside for you. no more,” followed by, you know, the entirety of crossing the line.

like even just... compare rapunzel’s lines at the top of crossing the line:

[RAPUNZEL] This has to stop now Whatever it is that you're going through We'll fix it together, me and you Just like we've always done

to her lines in i’d give anything: 

I won't pretend to know Just what you're going through

there has been zero growth. zero recognition of the fact that cassandra has, by the time of i’d give anything, told rapunzel what she’s going through at least three times. (she laid everything out for rapunzel in the dark fortress after taking the moonstone; in gothel’s mirror room in TOTS, cassandra expressed her anguish over gothel’s abandonment and her feelings of inferiority; in OAH, cass used feldspar’s play to fumblingly express her difficulty sharing her feelings with rapunzel; and if you want to count the BVA rock telepathy and cassandra furiously screaming “i don’t follow your orders anymore!” in CR, that brings us to a total of five times that cassandra shares at least part of what she’s “going through” with rapunzel only for it to, apparently, go in one ear and out the other because by plus est raps is still like “what could POSSIBLY be GOING ON with cass.”)

the closest rapunzel ever comes to expressing her own wrongdoing is the mealy-mouthed “we both did things wrong” sentiment in OAH (“maybe you’re right and it is your fault, rapunzel... partially...”), which she then undermines by going essentially “but if you had just told me how you felt then none of this would have happened” (ignoring that cass... did... tell her how she felt... repeatedly... in s2...) and rapunzel acknowledging that it was probably annoying to deal with a sunny “flower child” when she was fresh out of the tower (which is true, but entirely glosses over her treatment of cass in s2). in the former instance it’s unclear what, if anything, rapunzel truly thinks she did wrong (certainly “not listening” isn’t it), and in the latter case she is apologizing for being ~too free-spirited~ in the first couple weeks after the tower which... wasn’t even the problem back then and certainly wasn’t the core problem in s2. and by her own admission in i’d give anything rapunzel still doesn’t even understand why cassandra was upset in the first place, let alone how she may have contributed to it. 

like the utter dearth of development between cass and zhan tiri, this is ultimately a writing problem that reflects poorly on the character, rather than a character problem per se. for whatever reason, the writing team didn’t want to examine the legitimacy of cassandra’s actual grievances—which by extension meant that they couldn’t write rapunzel as having any awareness of those grievances, so the end result is cass obsessing over gothel and rapunzel spending the entire season baffled, just baffled, about what cass is so worked up about, all while sadly pining for the friendship they used to have and vocalizing a desire to get it back but simultaneously ignoring everything cass says about why she’s upset, because rapunzel listening to cass would require rapunzel to genuinely wrestle with her own role in what happened, which isn’t possible because that would loop us back around to all those legitimate grievances that the writers just didn’t want to (or couldn’t) deal with.

but tldr no at no point in the narrative of s3 does rapunzel genuinely acknowledge the actual things she did wrong by cass.

#5: i’m genuinely not sure why you think this is even relevant at all, unless you somehow read “cass did nothing wrong” into the argument of “it is both natural and reasonable for cass to trust the one (1) person who appears to give a damn about how she feels,” which i think says more about you than it does about me. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

The last time you were in the fridge, what were you looking for? Shredded cheese.

Do you like clowns? Just Pennywise.

Have you answered all of these questions honestly so far? Uh, we were just two questions in and they were simple questions, no need to lie about what I got out of my fridge and whether I like clowns lol.

What's the third text in your inbox? Doesn’t work that way.

Are you listening to anything at the moment? An ASMR video.

Do you twitch when your falling asleep? >> Yeah, sometimes. Or I have that sudden falling feeling and jerk awake. <<< Ugh, same. I hate that.

Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? Clean.

Are you at home or with friends more often? I’m always at home, even before the quarantine/lockdown stuff began. For the past few years, actually. 

When is the last time you were on a bicycle? Never.

What have you eaten today? So far just ramen.

Would you date someone 15 years older than you? I don’t think so.

Do you own a strapless bra? Yeah.

Does the person you like know it? I don’t like anyone in that way.

Did anything brighten up your day today? It’s only 5 in the morning, not a whole lot as happening. I don’t see much happening later on either, though.

How are you feeling at this exact moment? Tired.

Are you someone who worries too often? Yepppp.

If you could date somebody who would it be? No one right now.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? Sometimes, but it scares me. I’d really rather not know.

What is one good thing you're known for? I don’t know.

How about one bad thing? I don’t know.

Are you taller than most? >> Most children, yeah. LOL <<< Ha, same. 

When was the last time you sang an ENTIRE song? It’s been a few days since I’ve listened to music.

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home? I like to be at home, which like I said is where I spend all my time.

What time do you normally go to bed? Between 7 and 8AM. :X

What is one thing that is currently bothering you? The usual things.

What did you do today? So far just ate ramen, watched some YouTube videos, went on Tumblr, did surveys, played some Animal Crossing, and listened to ASMR videos.

Do you consider yourself to be attractive? Nope.

What was the last thing that you drank? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.

Is anything annoying you now? Yes.

Has anyone ever said i love you to you and not meant it? I’m sure. Some people throw those words around too easily.

Do you regret going out with the last person you did? No.

Do you realize it when you curse? Yeah. I don’t curse often, so when I do it really stands out.

When was the last time you showered? Yesterday.

Who did you last talk to in person? My brother.

Do you ever have days where you just don't do anything? I don’t do much day to day, but yes there’s days where I’m really having a hard time or don’t feel and I don’t feel up to doing anything besides lie down, sleep, and stare at the TV.

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? Yes. I do that often for some reason.

What is your favorite episode of True Life, if you have one at all? I’ve seen some episodes of that here and there, but I can’t think of any particular episode at the moment. I know there’s news episodes coming out about people’s experience in quarantine.

Have you ever experienced something paranormal? No.

What's the longest amount of time you've been stuck in traffic? A couple hours. I don’t even like spending a few minutes being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.

Best field trip experience? I loved all the field trips as a kid.

Have you ever been to New York City? No, but I’ve always wanted to go.

If so, is it all its cracked up to be?

What is the most amount of money you've spent on a meal before? Hmm. Probably like $50. It was a nice, pricey restaurant. 

What museums have you visited, if any? Several.

Have you ever had a group project and one of your partners bailed on you? Yes. I hated group projects, they added way more stress. 

What's your worst traveling experience? The drive to and from Idaho to California back in 2010. We went to Idaho to see my grandpa who was very sick and his wife told us he didn’t have much time left, so my parents, brother, and I made the 12+ drive there. We left at night and it was during the wintertime, so we drove through snowy, dangerous conditions, something we’re not used to because it doesn’t snow where we live. The trip back home was worse because we were all very emotional and tired and our patience was real thin. It was a rough trip back home. At one point during the night we had to find a hotel because the roads were too slippery and dangerous to drive on from the snow and because a lot of people had to do the same, it was hard finding somewhere. We fortunately got a one bed room and made it work, with some of us sleeping on the floor. Something that I don’t want to get into happened that night that made me extremely angry and upset to the point I was literally shaking and that is not normal for me. 

Sims 1, 2, or 3? Why? Sims 3 out of those options, but Sims 4 over all of ‘em.

Have you ever dealt with noisy neighbors or roommates? How did that go? Yeah, we’ve had a few noisy neighbors over the years. The current neighbors we have we had an issue with their dogs barking excessively. They left them outside all day and they just barked all the time. We eventually had to say something and thankfully we got things sorted out. 

Who was (or is) the teacher that gave you the hardest time in school? I had 2 horrible math teachers in community college, but otherwise I never had any issues with my teachers.

Best muffin you've ever had? I love banana muffins (no nut), lemon poppyseed, and blueberry muffins. Have you ever taken a woodshop class? For an elective in middle school.

If so, was it required? No, it was an elective. <<<

How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? I go on there for a few minutes at at a time a few times a day. 

What area of math are you best at? Worst? I was always horrible at math.

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? It’s cool to bond over shared interests. @gic-ga and I just recently obsessed over Linkin Park together haha.

What is the strangest thing you've ever seen outside of your house? A freakin’ bat flying around one night. That’s most definitely not a common sighting here. I had never seen or heard of any such sighting prior to that. It was crazy.

Do you believe in luck? Why or why not? No.

How often do you "half-ass" things (put little effort in)? These past few years I haven’t put much ass at all into things. :/

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? Yes.

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? Those 2 awful math professors I mentioned before made me feel even worse about not understanding the material.

How reliable is your internet connection? Very. There’s very rarely an issue.

Have you ever missed a meeting/event that was required/necessary? No.

What's something that makes you incredibly nervous? Uh, a lot of things. That’s how I am.

What's the latest you've ever stayed up to finish homework/a project? Many late nights or early mornings in college.

If you don't have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them?

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn't need them anymore? I honestly like my glasses. I’ve had to wear them since I was 9, they’re apart of me. I look and feel weird without ‘em.

How many vegetarians do you know? I’m not sure. 

Have you ever considered going to art school? No. I have no artistic talents or abilities. I never had the interest in trying just a class either, like with a drawing class or something, so definitely not an art school, a school devoted to the arts.

Is there anyone in your life who consistently angers you? Myself.

How quickly can you write an essay? For me I struggled with getting started, but once I did I’d get in my groove.

Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? No.

Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. I always get the nosebleeds seats cause that’s where the handicap seating tends to be. They’re cheaper up there; though, so hey.

If you have a job, who is your least favorite coworker/manager?

Favorite episode of Spongebob? I don’t have a favorite. I’ve seen episodes cause my younger brother and cousins watched it all the time, but I was never really into it myself.

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? To inanimate objects cause of memories attached to them. Like, I have a hard time getting rid of anything.

Are your parents supportive of you? Yes.

How often do you take the train to go places? Never.

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations? Ha, yeah.

[purplesurveys]

690

When did you go to bed yesterday? I went to bed technically today, because that was already around 2 AM. How much money do you have on you at the moment? I have ₱2100 – a little over $41. I only have that much because my parents didn’t ask for my allowance back after they announced the suspension of classes, but my legit savings is literally just a hundred bucks loool. Have you ever been to the St. Louis Arch? Nope. I don’t think I’ve even heard of it before. Who was the last non-relative of the same sex to call you? Gab, earlier this morning. What day is it? Saturday, and I had to check my phone for this because the quarantine has been fucking up my sense of time lmfao. Everyday is just day and night for me now, and it definitely did not feel like a Saturday until my phone told me.

Do you live in a city, town, or in the country? City. What color is your toothbrush? It’s mostly maroon but it has some white accents to it. Who was the first person you spoke to today? It was either my dad or sister; they’re usually the first ones to talk to me before having breakfast. What time was it 2 hours ago? Exactly 4:20 PM. How many children do you want/have? Ideally I’d want to end up with two. I changed my mind about wanting three kids before, haha. What else could your initials stand for other than your name? I Googled for this and it showed me results for the Russian International Affairs Council, pretty interesting. When was the last time you had a nightmare? A week ago, I think? But I didn’t write the details down so fortunately I’ve completely forgotten about it.

When was the last time you went to the doctor? About two weeks ago to have my eye checked. If you had a terminal illness, would you want to know? Yes. If I had the chance to know everything, I’d take it. I hate being in the dark about anything, whether it’s how to cook or what I’d die from. Who was the last person to make you smile? Myself HAHA. I made a joke on Twitter and it was funny if I do say so myself. :((( If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? I’d go to Feliz, go straight to La Creperie and get myself their truffle pasta and a cup of their San Gines hot chocolate. Then I’d go to Starbucks, stay in my usual spot, get my usual drink, and get a pastry that I like and sit there for hours, just basking in the fact that I’m finally outside the house.   Do you keep a diary/journal regularly? Yes. You’re reading through it right now. Have you ever made up a secret language? I probably tried to as a kid, as most young kids do. What was the last thing someone called you other than your real name? Pet names that I won’t be disclosing here, lol. Would you rather have 6 months or daylight or 6 months of nighttime? Nighttime FOR SURE. Get the daylight, the sun, and the heat away from me. Are you wearing a watch at the moment? Nope. How old will you be in 7 years? I’ll be 28 turning 29. Fucking freaky. Were you born before 1992? Nope, I was born a whole six years after it. If you could meet anyone who lived before your time, who would it be? My ancestors would be the most interesting people for me to meet. A few of them have their place in Philippine history, and my clan in general were historically in the principalia class during the Spanish colonization, and before that my ancestors were also the datus in our province. It would be nice to hear about how they lived and how they rubbed shoulders with the Spanish, even if that technically made them the assholes during that period lol. What is your dream job? My dream at the back of my head was always to be a pro wrestler for WWE, I think. As early as I was 12 I had already been trying to look up wrestling schools in my country, but wrestling wasn’t ready to make a splash here just yet – today there are now several wrestling schools AND promotions in the Philippines and local wrestlers are now blowing up in the international scene like crazy, so I guess it just wasn’t meant to be for me, and the timing sure showed it. Is there a candle in the room you are in? Nopes. What if you found out tomorrow your mom was having another baby? I think my literal first reaction would be to make a face upon the realization that my parents had sex lmao, but once that dissipates I’d be pretty excited. If you got married now, how old would you be by your 50th wedding anniversary? I would be 71 turning 72. Do you know your the middle names of your closest friends? Yeah, I memorize all their names. It’s just something I pick up. How long until your birthday? Google says 24 days. Are you currently taking any prescribed medication? I’m not. About how long is your hair? Not long at all - it barely reaches my collarbones. What did you do last New Year's Eve? I don’t even remember clearly cos I hate holidays like those...I think my fam and I stayed home, my grandma and cousins came over and we had a big dinner as is tradition, then we spent the entire evening playing our Nintendo Switch which at the time was still super brand new cos we got it for Christmas. What is the longest relationship you've been in? Four years and a month and counting. What was the last song your listened to? Haven’t really been listening to anything in the last couple of days because I’ve been not-so-okay, and any kind of music is just too loud for me when I’m in this mood. Have you finished high school? Yup, a full four years ago. Are you taller than 5'7"? No and I barely know anyone that tall haha. If someone gave you a $250 dollar gift card, where would you want it to be? Fully Booked, Nike, Adidas, or Power Mac Center. Do you have any pets? Yup, he’s staring at me right now hahahahahaha. How much was gas the last time you checked? Not sure but the prices have definitely DROPPED. Last I heard it went down P4, which is crrrrrrrazy.

[badwolf-in-the-impala]

~The Edge of Heaven~

|| Chapter One || Chapter Two ||

Edited to add new chapter/Moodboard/Faceclaim swap

So I did a new thing lol I know like I don’t have enough of those already BUT, I got this wild Gatsby themed idea while listening to some Lana Del Rey and then I got the idea for the moodboard and it just kinda snowballed from there. ANYWHO, I’ll keep this short. I hope you guys enjoy, and if you would like to be tagged, please let me know! 

Word Count: 5,184

Pairings: Thomas Shelby x OC 

Face-claims: Emily Rudd as Aurora - Paul Wesley  Luke Evans as James))

Moodboard Credit: Myself @badwolf-in-the-impala

Rating: Mature/18+

General Warnings: Spousal abuse, verbal abuse, violence, general Peaky related things...I’ll trying and tag appropriately as I go! 

---------------------------------------

Arrow House - Warwickshire, England - 1925.

Many years had come to pass since Aurora had been back to England; namely, the small industrial district of Small Heath. It was the place that she had called home for the first fifteen years of her life, until the untimely death of her father prior to the start of the War; by four years. But despite the fact they didn’t having much money and despite his drinking habits, her father did his best to be always be part of her life. Teaching her how to love the life she had been given, no matter how desperately her mother tried to teach her how to hate it.

And when he had finally managed at last to drink himself into an early grave; that was when her Mother took her chance. Scraping together every last bit of money she had managed to save over the years and making the decision to move them to America in hopes of giving them both a better life. But at the stubborn young age of fifteen years old, Aurora had fought tooth and nail in protest of her Mother’s idea, even going as far to try running away in an attempt to stay behind. Not wanting to leave her life or her friends. She spent three days hidden away in Ada Shelby’s room at the Shelby family home before finally being discovered and taken back to her Mother.

A sad smile tugged at the corners of her mouth at the thought of the memory.

The Shelby’s had been like a second family from the time she was no more than a mere babe; her father having been a dear friend to the family. She remembered spending all her time as a child and young teen, running the streets of Small Heath with the Shelby siblings. Aurora, Ada, and John -- being closest in age -- were always getting up to some kind of mischief, but once Thomas was thrown into the mix? Well, let’s just say it was a miracle that Small Heath was even still standing!

Aurora and Thomas were a lot alike in many ways, especially when it came to being hardheaded. Factor in the five year age difference between the pair and suddenly everything their group did was a instant competition to see who could do it better. There were many times over the years that Arthur would joke about not knowing who was more stubborn out of the two; especially when it came to the argument of who came up with the better plans. Aurora arguing the point that it be her, given that she was a girl and her plans and ideas were always more detailed and precise than any Thomas came up with. But in the end, Arthur would just laugh and call it a draw to make things fair. Knowing it would only add more fuel to the fires of competitiveness between the two.

But one thing was always for certain back then; no one messed with the Shelby’s, nor did they mess with the Calahan girl who ran with them. All else aside, they were thick as thieves back in those days. Back when times were simpler and their biggest worry was explaining to Aunt Pol how they got picked up for fighting that time some older boy punched John when they were ten. Aurora leaping in too defend him before Thomas or Arthur even had the chance to blink. That had always been something that they admired about her; Thomas especially.

And despite how much they butted heads and bickered over the most ridiculous things on a regular basis growing up, Aurora and Thomas had always been more fond of each other than either of them would ever admit to...especially when it came time for her to leave England. Not knowing when or if she would ever return.

Aurora had been heartbroken to say the least when she had been unable to convince her mother into letting her stay behind. Especially to be leaving behind Ada who was like the sister she never had. She could still remember how much she cried as she hugged each of the siblings as they said their goodbyes; but Thomas had been the one who held onto her the longest as she cried. Their last conversation still fresh in her memories like it had happened only yesterday.

~

“I don’t want to say goodbye.” Her voice was muffled as she sobbing quietly against Tommy’s chest as the Conductor made his final announcement for the departure of her train. Her mother clearing her throat impatiently a few feet away, causing Tommy to tighten his grip on Aurora reflexively.

“Aye...then you don’t have to.” Tommy had replied softly as he pulled her away from his chest slightly to look down at her. “It’s not really goodbye anyways.” He reassured her whilst brushing a few dark curls behind her ear and away from her face. “Not forever a’least.”

“Aurora, we’re goin’ to miss our train.” Her mother sighed, tapping her foot loudly against the platform as she waited on her daughter. Making them the last two people to board before departure.

Aurora choked back on her sobs as she hugged Tommy tightly for the last time before pulling away and drying her tears. Her emerald green eyes filled with a sadness that he had never seen in her before, during all the years he had known her. A little piece of his own heart breaking as she forced a smile before addressing the siblings as a whole; though her gaze never left his.

“Till next time then…” Her voice wavered as she gave her final farewell before boarding the train alongside her mother and taking their seats. Tommy’s gaze never leaving hers, even as he held onto an inconsolable Ada as the train began to roll out of the station.

“Till next time…”

~

Aurora had kept in contact with the Shelby siblings for several years following her move to America. Faithfully writing each of the siblings letters as often as she could find the time; especially once she learned of the boys’ departure to War. She heard from Ada the most obviously, and would also receive the occasional letter from Aunt Pol. It was rare that she heard from John, or Arthur, but they tried their best. Thomas however would always write back, even while was away at War, he always made the point to write her whenever he had an available chance...and there were days where those letters she sent were all he had to hold on and look forward too.

Letters were few and far between after that as the years passed and eventually as their lives started to move in different directions; they soon ceased entirely. Though there wasn’t a day that went by that Aurora didn’t think about the Shelby family. Tommy especially. And now here she was nearly Fifteen years later, Thirty years old and married to a wealthy American businessman, about to enter the home of none other than Thomas Shelby himself.

Aurora and her husband, James, had been in England for only a few days when she finally got the chance to venture out and make a trip up into Small Heath. Visiting all her old favorite sites, her home, and checking out what was new and what had changed. She had been in the Library when she had the unexpected pleasure of running into Ada, and after a very emotional reunion, they sat and talked over tea for several hours. Catching up on what they had missed out on in each others lives since the last time they saw one another.

It was during this time that Ada invited Aurora and her husband to attend a party that was to be had that weekend in celebration of Arthur and his wife Linda’s anniversary. And while Aurora was insistent on not wanting to impose, Ada wouldn’t take no for an answer. Insisting that everyone would be more than excited to see her after all these years and reassuring that she was still more than welcome among the Shelby clan no matter the occasion.

It took a great deal of convincing on Aurora’s end of things, but she finally managed to talk her husband into attending. Insisting that it would be more than beneficial to his business dealings to befriend and get to know them. He had been less than willing to agree but eventually caved -- a rare occurrence -- when he realized she wasn’t going to give up on the subject.

“I still don’t understand what exactly so special about this family.” James griped as they pulled into the drive. Thomas’ house where the party was being held only a few miles away from their own.

“They all but run Birmingham, James.” Aurora gave a sigh as he helped her out their 1925 Bentley 3 - Liter. “If ye wan’ to make friends with anyone over ‘ere, it’s the Shelby family.”

“For your sake, Aurora, I hope that what you’re telling me is the truth.” He replied as he closed the car door behind her, grip tightening on her upper arm hard enough as he pulled her close that she knew for certain it would bruise. His breath was hot on her ear as he spoke to her in a low, menacing, tone. Making sure that his point was made clear.

“And if these people are as important as you say they are, than I expect for you to be on your best behavior tonight. Do not embarrass me. Am I Understood?” James added.

Aurora nodded stiffly in reply, breathing a quiet sigh of relief as he loosened his grip finally, allowing her to take his arm properly as they neared the main entrance to the house. Their pace slowing behind another group of couples who were entering the same time they were.

“Aurora fookin’ Calahan!”

A small squeak escaped her lips as she was suddenly swept up into a bone crushing embrace upon entering through the door, and despite not having even a second to glimpse who this person hugging her was; she would recognize that voice anywhere.

“It’s Turner now, actually.” Aurora chuckled softly as she was placed back on her feet, looking up to greet the eldest of the Shelby siblings. “And it’s very nice to see you too, Arthur.”

“My apologies.” Arthur gave a sheepish grin as he held her out at arms length, taking her in carefully with a shake of his head. “Christ, ye’ve ‘ardly changed one bit!” He added giving her one more hug before releasing her back to her husband. “This is my wife, Linda.” He proudly introduced the lovely Blonde woman standing beside him, Aurora greeting her with a warm smile.

“A pleasure to meet you.” Linda returned the gesture, giving a warm smile of her own as she shook both Aurora and her husband's hands in greeting. “I’ve heard many stories, and I’m so glad you an’ y’er husband were able to make it!”

“The pleasure is all ours.” Aurora turned to look up at her husband, who stood  beside her, waiting a little patiently for her to introduce him with a tight lipped smile. “This is my husband, James Turner. James, this is Arthur Shelby, oldest of the Shelby siblings, an’--”

“A pleasure, truly.” James cut her off as he stepped forward to shake Arthur’s hand. Arthur studying him carefully, gaze briefly falling to Aurora before speaking.

“American bloke, eh?” Arthur started to inquire, wincing as Linda jabbed him in the ribs sharply with her elbow before shooting him, ‘Don’t be rude’ look. Grinning as she caught Aurora stifling a laugh. “Wha’? I’s jus’ askin’.” Arthur grumbled.

“It’s quite alright.” James replied, his eyes dark and his tone just a little to friendly. “Any questions you have, I’m an open book.” He assured.

“Aye, see?!” Arthur gestured to him as he turned to his wife who simply rolled her eyes before apologizing for her husband's behavior, but they were soon interrupted as Aurora was suddenly blindsided by an enthusiastic Ada.

“You made it!” She exclaimed as she hugged Aurora tightly before taking a step back to look up at James. “And this must be your husband!”

“Yes, this is James.” Aurora introduced as he reached out shake Ada’s hand.

“Ada Thorne!” She introduced herself as she shook his hand with a smile. “Do you mind if I steal your wife for a few minutes?

“Oh, well, actually we were  jus’--”

“Of course not.” Aurora looked up, slightly taken aback as her husband cut her off and agreed to willingly let her go with Ada. The gesture causing a knot of anxiety to form in the pit of her stomach, but she smiled nevertheless as she reached up and kissed him quickly in return before turning to Arthur.

“Well, since tha’s settled,” She gave a soft chuckle as Ada looped her arm together with her own. “Arthur, would you mind keepin’ him company for a bit? Maybe introduce him to some people?” Aurora asked hopefully as Ada began tugging her into the crowd of people just a few feet away.

“O‘course!” Arthur hollard back as he clapped a hand on James’ back, giving Aurora a reassuring wink before he and Linda ushered him off in the opposite direction. Though Aurora could still feel her husbands stern gaze boring into her back; watching as she disappeared into the crowd alongside her friend.

~

After finding themselves each a few drinks, the two woman continued to make their way through the throng of party goers who mingled about the large home. And though it did little to quell the anxiety that twisted and tied her stomach up in knots, the Whiskey in her hand was welcome distraction as they moved towards an unknown destination that Ada was dead set on getting them too.

“Where exactly are we goin’?” Aurora questioned as they pushed through another set of doors and into yet another room that was slightly less crowded. Her question soon answered as she spotted Polly at the far end, standing alongside two youngman she didn’t recognize but was fairly confident she knew who they were.

“Christ, is tha’-- is tha’ Michael an’ Finn?!” Aurora asked in disbelief as they grew closer, Polly’s face lighting up as she turned and caught sight of her and Ada.

“Aye!” Ada nodded quickly in response before all but throwing her into Aunt Poll’s waiting embracing. The boys beside her exchanging a brief confused look amidst all the excitement of the long awaited reunion.

“God, look at you!” Polly beamed as she took Aurora’s face gently between her hands, taking her in. “Even more beautiful than the las’ time I saw you.” Aurora hugged her tightly, trying her best not to cry and ruin her makeup. “Oh how we’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, Poll.”

“Well, don’ just stand there!” Polly turned around and waved the boys over. “Not tha’ you probably remember her, but, say hello--”

“Bloody hell, is tha’ our Rora?!”

Suddenly Aurora was being crushed into yet another bone crushing hug by one of the Shelby men as John came bursting through the crowd, all but shoving his sister and Aunt out of the way as he scooped her up and twirled her.

“I thought Ada was makin’ up shite stories -- Ow!” John yelped as Polly’s hand connected with the back of his skull, knocking his hat off in the process.

“Y’er overwhelmin’ the poor girl!” Polly scolded as she pointed her finger at John. “An’ don’t be rude, introduce your wife!” Aurora gave a laugh as she watched John turn red out of embarrassment, grumbling under his breath at Aunt Poll as he picked up his hat, putting it back on before turning and bringing a young dark haired woman forward in front of him.

“Esme, this is Aurora.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Aurora greeted and shook the hand that Esme offered. “An’ I am terribly sorry this is the one they made you marry.” She joked, earning an amused laugh from Esme and a very confused look from John as everyone else quickly dissolved into laughter along with them.

“Wha’s so fuckin’ funny?!” John demanded, still not getting the dig Aurora had just taken at him.

“Nothin’ love.” Esme chuckled as she began ushering John off in the other direction for more drinks, ignoring his protests. “Lovely ta’meet you!” She called over her shoulder to Aurora before disappearing.

“Still as dense as he was when we were children.” Aurora sighed thoughtfully with a shake of her head before turning back to the other two boys as Polly introduced them to her before allowing them to be dismissed finally.

“Some things never change.” Ada joked playfully in response. “‘Ave you seen Karl?” She asked Polly, who in returned pointed towards one of the other doors as she took a sip of her own Whiskey.

“Playin’ with the other children still, I assume.” Polly replied with a shrug, catching Aurora by the arm gently before Ada could drag her away entirely. “Come an’ find me again when she’s done draggin’ you aroun’?”

“Of course, Poll.” Aurora smiled, giving her one more hug.

“Good, we’ve got a lot to catch up on!” Polly called after her as Ada began dragging her from the room in search of her son, Karl, so she could introduce them; giving up after ten minutes of searching and coming up empty handed.

“They’re probably mucking abou’ the stables.” Ada gave a frustrated sigh as they checked the backyard, finding it absent of children. “I should go check, I’ll be right back?”

“Take y’er time!” Aurora called after her, letting out a relieved sigh once Ada was out of ear shot. Taking a moment to lean against the pillar beside her, closing her eyes and drawing in a deep breath as she relished in blissful silence for a moment. The knot in her stomach that had gone ignored after a few drinks, quickly returning as she realized how dark it had gotten and just how much time must have passed since their arrival. Remembering that her husband was still milling about inside somewhere, likely drunk by now and searching for her.

The thought alone was enough to make her dread going back into the party...she hadn’t meant to stay with Ada for so long, but they had gotten so wrapped up in this little reunion of sorts and conversation that she had lost all track of time. And while he would never show it in public, she knew James would be furious, especially if she didn’t go find him, and soon.

With that thought in mind, Aurora downed what was left of her Whiskey before turning to head back inside in search of her husband; her mission interrupted as she ran straight into someone else who had just come through the door behind her, causing her foot to slip off the top step. But instead of falling to the ground as she had anticipated, she was pulled backwards and away from the steps into a strong embrace that was quick to steady her.

“I am so sorry!” Aurora apologized profusely as she knelt down to pick up her clutch and the remnants of her whiskey glass that now lie shattered on the steps, but the other person beat her to it as their hand grabbed her clutch before she could. Aurora was about to apologize again as she gathered up the shards of glass when his voice stopped her.

“You’ve no need to apologize. Entirely my fault, not yours.”

Her green eyes quickly snapped up to meet his in an instant as she stood, nearly losing her balance again as she did so. The glass shards clattering back to the ground as she all but leapt into his arms, her excitement getting the better of her. A deep laugh rumbled through his chest as he hugged her back.

“It’s good to see you too, Rora.” Thomas added.

“Oh Christ, I’m sorry!” She quickly apologized for a second time as she realized just how ridiculous she was being, taking a step back and smoothing her hands over the front of her dress as she tried to compose herself. Failing, miserably, as she ended up hugging him again a second time, just a little more gently. “It’s just so wonderful to see you, Tommy.”

“You needn't worry ‘bout tha’, eh?” He assured her as he pulled away, giving her that signature half smile of his as he stared down at her, taking her appearance in carefully. Her dark curls were pinned up neatly, and she was clad in a long, elegant blue and black beaded evening gown. “I’m happy to see you too...was beginnin’ to think you were avoidin’ me, actually.” He teased.

“Of course not.” Aurora replied sheepishly. “Ada’s jus’ been a little...excited.”

“I know. I’m jus’ givin’ ye a hard time.” Thomas assured her before handing her back the clutch he realized he was still holding onto. “But speaking of our dear Ada, where’s she gone off too?”

“Out to the stables--”

“Lemme guess, lookin’ for the boys.” Thomas finished for her as he let out a sigh. Clearly this was somewhat of a regular occurance. “Suppose I should go help her…” He started down the steps, pausing when he reached the bottom and noticed she wasn’t following. “Care to join me?”

Aurora was more than reluctant at first, weighing her options as she turned to look over her shoulder at the party that was still going  full swing inside. On one hand, she really needed to be getting back to husband, but on the other she very much so wanted to spend a little time catching up with Thomas, and at most, this would only take a few minutes; returning to the party afterwards. Her lack of better judgement won out in the end as she gave him a smile and descended the steps, taking his arm as he offered it to her. Leading them down the path to the stables.

“So, how was America?” Thomas inquired curiously a few minutes into their walk, watching her closely out of the corner of his eye.

“Well…” Aurora drew in a deep breath through her nose before letting it rush out in a sigh past her lips. “Aside from Prohibition? It’s not entirely horrible…’least not all the time. It has it’s perks, jus’ like any other place.”

“Yeah? Like wha’?” Thomas teased.

“Like it doesn’ fuckin’ rain all the time.” She snorted sarcastically, earning a laugh from Thomas as he nodded at her answer.

“Mm. Suppose y’er probably right.” He chuckled as he patted her hand gently.

“Course I am. I’m always righ’.” Aurora teased back in a serious tone. “Or did ye forget tha’ while I was away?”

“Aye, well I haven’ had anyone to argue with on the subject in abou’, oh, fifteen years? So it’s quite possible.” He mused as they approached the stables, noting the dramatic eye roll she thought he hadn’t seen. “Still as stubborn as the day ye left.” Thomas shook his head lightly.

“An’ y’er still an arse...how’s tha’?” Aurora retorted as she turned up her nose, pretending to be offended by his comment.

“I’d say y’er not wrong.” He replied truthfully with a shrug of his shoulders, Aurora about to make another sarcastic comment when they heard Ada’s voice coming from inside the stables. And from the sound of it, she was fighting a losing battle. They picked up their pace a little and rounded the corner into the open archway, spotting Ada and small group of rambunctious boys who were hellbent on not listening to a word she was saying.

“Aye!” The boys stopped instantly at the sound of his voice, two in particular turning to face Thomas and whatever punishment was to be received. “Listen’ta Ada, ‘fore she tans tha’ lot of ya!” There was a chorus of ‘Yes Sir’s’ before a few of the boys started back toward the house, one boy staying behind with Ada, while another -- not much older than three or four -- came running up to Thomas with his little arms outstretched to be picked up.

“Stop givin’ y’er Aunty Ada such a hard time, eh?” Thomas stated firmly as he pressed his forehead against the little boys’, making him giggle as he nodded.

“Yes, Da.” The little boy replied quietly, the sound of his small voice making Aurora’s heart clench in her chest tightly, even though a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she watched the interaction between the two. The boys curious little blue eyes soon fixed to hers as he rested his cheek against Thomas’ shoulder. “Who’s tha’?”

“That,” Thomas turned so that they were facing her. “Is my friend. Ms. Aurora.” He introduced, the little boy picking his head up to study her closely as she smiled warmly at him. “An’ this, is Charlie. My son.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Charlie.” Aurora greeted softly, smiling as the little boy looked away shyly for a moment; burying his face in the crook of Thomas’ neck.

“She’s pwetty.” Charlie mumbled quietly before stifling a yawn and closing his little eyes, making Aurora chuckle softly.

“Aye, tha’ she is.” Thomas gave a soft laugh as she shifted the boy in his arms. “But more importantly, innit past y’er bedtime?”

“It’s past both their bedtimes.” Ada chimed in with sigh as she ushered her son forward, introducing him to Aurora before suggesting they start back for the house and get the boys up to bed. Charlie struggling to keep his little eyes open as they walked along the path, pausing when they came across Linda.

“There you all are, I’ve been lookin’ everywhere!” She breathed out a sigh of relief, hand pressed to chest. “Speeches.” She pointed between Thomas and Ada before turning to take off before stopping again as she remembered something else. “Oh! An’ Aurora, y’er husband has been lookin’ for you.” Linda smiled before taking off down the path ahead of them where she disappeared from sight.

“Husband, eh?” Thomas quirked an eyebrow as he looked over at her, watching her cheeks turn pink as she nodded, fidgeting with the ring on her left hand -- that he hadn’t noticed until now --  but remained silent on the subject. Suddenly absorbed in the throws of internal worry once more as they drew closer to re-entering the house, spotting James as they rounded the corner, standing near the entrance chatting with Arthur while they had a cigar.

“He a businessman, from America.” Ada piped up in answer with an excited smile. “Seems like a nice fellow. Haven’ gotten to talk to him much yet--” She droned on, going mostly unheard as Aurora remained lost in thought and Thomas watched her closely; noting that something seemed off, all of the sudden.

“There she is!” Arthur exclaimed drunkenly, shoving James lightly as they watched the group approach the stairs. Aurora forcing a smile as she climbed the stairs quickly to take her place beside her husband, avoiding his dark gaze that hadn’t wavered from her for a second, about to kiss him when he stepped past her and approached Thomas. Aurora felt like her heart was about to leap straight out of her chest, not knowing what James’ intentions were. But she did her best to keep her composer as to not give anything away.

“You must be the infamous Thomas Shelby I’ve heard so much about.” James extended his hand out in greeting as Thomas came up the steps, shifting a now sleeping Charlie around in his arms before shaking his hand. Blue eyes drifting briefly to Aurora who was breathing a sigh of relief.

“Aye, an’ you are?” Thomas answered dryly, eyebrow raised in an unimpressed manner as he looked James up and down, taking in the almost too perfect appearance of the man that stood before him; discreetly sizing him up as Thomas turned to pass Charlie off to Ada so she could take the boys inside.

“James Turner. Aurora’s husband.” He gave a tight smile and he took a step back, snaking an arm around her waist as he pulled her possessively into his side. “Isn’t that right, Darling?” Aurora nodded with a small smile, trying to contain her embarrassment as Thomas slipped her a skeptical look, but did his best to remain civil as they talked.

“Pleasure to meet you.” Thomas replied.

“Please, the pleasure is all mine. It’s nice to finally put a face to the man my lovely wife spends so much of her time talking about.” James insisted with a grin, his grip tightening ever so slightly as he turned his attention to look down at Aurora. “It is getting rather late though. We should probably get going.” Aurora gave an obedient nod, knowing that protesting would be an unwise choice as she caught the strong whiff of the alcohol on his breath as he spoke to her.

“Of course.” She replied softly, turning to thank Thomas for his hospitality as Arthur and Ada had already disappeared back inside. “Thank you so much for having us.”

“Any time.” Thomas gave her a smile. “In fact, the two of you should come over sometime. We’ve a lot to catch up on,” His eyes fell to Aurora briefly before locking onto James. “An’ I would be very interested to ‘ear abou’ y’er business ventures over in America.” Aurora could feel James tense beside her, jaw clenching as he forced another tight lipped grin and shook Thomas’ hand one last time.

“I’ll be in touch.” James assured, not waiting for a reply as he started down the steps. “Come along, Darling.”

“Goodnight, Thomas.” Aurora spoke softly as she looked up at him, giving him one final warm smile -- the one he remembered from their childhood -- before starting down the steps after her husband, not wanting to keep him waiting any longer, though she gave one final pause. “It really was wonderful to see you again.”

Thomas watched with a heavy heart as she hurried off into the night behind her husband. Gone just a quickly as she had arrived. Fifteen years he had waited, hoping that he would see her once more; and while a lot had happened in her absence, it didn’t change the feelings that seeing her again had suddenly brought rushing back...along with good dose of jealousy at the thought of her being married to that pompous prick he had just had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting.

Letting out an irritated sigh, Thomas pulled his cigarette case from the inner pocket of his Tux and placed a cigarette between his lips. Lighting it before tucking the small tin back into its rightful place as he took a long drag, leaning his shoulder against the pillar beside him as he exhaled; watching the smoke as it trailed past his lips into the darkness of the night.

Disappearing; just like Aurora.

------------------------------------------

Tagging anyone I think might be interested from my other Tommy Shelby fic ((which I’m hoping to get up soon...my ass is struggling.)) 

TAGLIST: @jacksonroth @liiv0urlifee @londoncharlotte88 @theworld-is-ahead @zazasblogxx @readsalot73 @ly--canthrope @harjumus @theskinofmyemotions @sympathyfortheblinderdevil @juuliaa-gooliaa @feyrearcheron44

[holocene-days]

hey jemma, would really love some tips about how you've been figuring yourself out, would love to get to that place but difficult to know where to start

ahh hi! 

i should probably preface this by saying that this has been a hella long process that’s taken place over the past 2 years. 

a lot of this post is gonna be me talking about my experiences bc i’m not really good at the whole second person advice thing. so i hope this is helpful in some way!! also lol sorry this got really long, i just had lots of thoughts 

*tw mention of eating disorders, nothing too in depth but just like talk about anorexia and such things*

i kinda started this journey in fall of 2017 when i realized i had lost myself and was struggling severely with an eating disorder and went to see the therapist at my uni who specializes in eating disorders. she diagnosed me with anorexia which was like a major wake up call and i was like jfc who am i what am i doing to myself how did i get this way. i had lost over 20 pounds and was completely focused on how i looked and i felt so out of control of my life and my desires and ambitions that i coped with it through controlling my weight and how i looked. long story short, saw this therapist through fall of 2017 and at the beginning of december had a breakthrough, which was when i said “i don’t want to be thin, i want the things i think being thin will get me”, thus the start of my recovery began. 

i then spent 8 months of 2018 studying abroad in london and traveling around europe and met the most amazing people and had some of the best experiences of my life (shout out to my girls matilde @timobeechalamet and megan @blxckisthecolor) and because i was so focused on traveling and school i didn’t really have any sense of self, which actually was quite beneficial because i was trying to recover from this traumatic thing and the distraction of travel and school were very helpful.

went back to the states in dec and graduated from uni this may. spent my last semester focused on myself and finishing my degree and spending lots of time with my friends. and here’s where i really started to work on myself.

i’ve always had lots of anxiety around school and perfection (which is why i initially started seeing a therapist 4 years ago) and it took me a lil while but i’ve realized that i don’t feel these kinds of pressures anymore because i’m out of this environment which was stifling and stressful, i’m able to be myself more. which brings us up to the present day where i now feel like i have the time and comfortable environment to enjoy myself and explore new things.

1. focus on your passions. what do you love? what do you love to do? are there classes you can take to learn more? books you can read? my big love is acting so i got a degree in it and then went to LA this summer for a month and a half to go to a film acting school and through that program learned SO much about what i want from myself as an artist. i watch lots of movies and series. find way to incorporate what you love into your daily life. take just 30 minutes for it and just focus on it. i find that keeping a tag on here of things that inspire me artistically can be really helpful bc if i’m ever feeling uninspired or stuck i can go back and look through the posts and get mentally back on track with my passion.

2. writing. i’ve been keeping a journal since i was about 15. i don’t really make diary entries in it but i love lists and making lists about concepts or themes or aesthetics. i recently made a list of all of my favorite meals this way in case i don’t know what to make, i have a basis to go back to of things i know my body loves. some nights i just come up with an idea and i take out my journal and just write and don’t edit myself. just keep the ideas going. no detail is too small. it’s just really nice to have a place with all my thoughts and ideas and feelings. writing is really cathartic for me. 

3. bullet journaling. my bullet journal is separate from my other journal and in it i keep my month and mind in check. i draw out each month and write down thoughts and goals of things i want to do for the month. i have pages about the law of attraction and new things i want to try and quotes about acting and being an artist. it’s such a great way for me to customize my life in a sense and have a book of my current life and thoughts to refer to.

4. your space. i am that girl who always has clothes on her bedroom floor, and everything is typically very messy. but that shit stresses me out so much. and so in an effort to try to have more peace in my life, i’m trying to do better about it. literally yesterday i deep cleaned and redecorated half of my bedroom and put in a bookshelf from my dad’s office and put lots of plants and books on it and wow it really transformed my room. it was SUCH a simple thing that took like an hour but really changed the whole vibe of my room. your room is you lil home in ur apartment or house and it needs to be your happy, chill space where you feel comfortable. putting in effort in your room seriously changes so much about your mental attitude. i’m trying to get in the habit of making my bed each morning and it’s been v helpful!!

5. ya body. i think taking care of your body is so incredibly important in your self discovery journey because it affects how your brain works and your outlook on yourself and the greater world. bc of my ed my sense of body has been real fucked for so long (i’m talking like 10 years :))))) ). here’s how i got to a better place with it 1. lots of therapy lol. 2. reminding myself that my body is a living, breathing animal that requires food to function and movement to feel good. breaking the idea of movement (i.e. working out) away from the idea of being skinny has been hard but intensely helpful and effective in the way i view my body. i focus on movement. not working out, not burning calories. things like walking, biking, dancing, ice skating are all physical activities i really enjoy that don’t feel like working out. food is a whole other beast. i totally still struggle with food sometimes but it’s getting better. i’ve been focusing a lot on intuitive eating over the past couple months (these posts by @heavyweightheart have been so incredibly helpful in teaching me about this) and that food list i made a few days ago is also really helpful. my advice would be eat what feels good to your body and makes you have energy and feel good. stay active in your life and move in ways that also feel good. the more i take care of my body, the better my mind feels and the more in touch with myself i am.

6. back off instagram. that shit is... not great. i mean, it def has its moments (and memes) but overall i just feel like insta is a place where people post photos of their “perfect life moments” and want their friends to validate it. and then there’s all those influencers on there and so many insta stories and it’s just really overwhelming. if you really like instagram and don’t feel like it’s anxiety inducing then def keep it! but also know that it’s okay to step back from it for a lil bit. it really helped me to feel more present and not continuously compare myself to others and feel a need to post if a cool thing happened. it’s been nice to be more private and keep things for myself. 

7. patience. remembering that things take time and what you want is achievable you just have to keep goings. try new things. change your approach, allow yourself to fail. learn from the failure and do better next time. 

8. kindness. towards yourself and others. really putting in the effort to be kind to people in your everyday life makes SUCH a difference and really brightens their day and yours as well. putting out good vibes brings back good vibes, which then allows you to feel better about yourself and more in tune with others around you.

i’m going to stop this here bc this is so fucking long at this point lol i’m so sorry for that but i hope some of this was helpful pls let me know!!

[garethito]

You know... I've been meaning to ask you about this for a while, and yesterday's tag thing that you did with those Bale gifs only like... fueled? My curiosity? Lol, if that makes sense. Could you like... relive? The Champions League final from this year for us? Like, your perspective on it? Or maybe even the actual whole day of the final? Sorry, God, I know this is weird, but I just love how you tell stories from your life! I have seen you do it with some other anons once!

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this like, you guys always send me such interesting questions and Im so??? and OMG no this is not weird stop this is such a wonderful question to ask!! And omg you liked how I told the stories to those anons that is so sweet thank you so muchhhhh ❤️❤️💝❤️💘💘💞💞💘

But also this is making me really emotional I dont think I will be able to write this without tearing up but here we go!!! I was at school today and we had a special day so we didnt make any classes, so I had time to formulate an answer to this, and to complete it at home 💞

Quick WARNING?? Yes I am perfectly aware of how crazy and overdramatic this whole story sounds, but the thing is that this is how I truly feel about this day in my life. So yeah lol. Football is basically my life!

I would like to start this by saying that the day of the 26th of May 2018 is the most important day of my entire life as a football fan. There is nothing that could even come close to this. Absolutely nothing. Never in my life have I cried like in that night. Never. Absolutely never. I have looked at my life as a person, at my hardest times, when I cried a lot, but not even that can even slightly compare to the amount of crying that I have done on that glorious day of May 7 months ago. When I say crying, though, I dont actually mean crying, no. I mean violently sobbing, screaming at the top of my lungs, shaking and feeling numb. But in the best way possible, the happiest tears that I ever shedded.

My actual perspective, like you said, though, starts from the 2nd of May, a day after our semi-final second leg against Bayern. From that day, until the 26th, my mind, my body, my soul only thought about the final. I could not even focus on the Clasico on the 6th, neither on the last La Liga match. I was so fucking nervous, words are not sufficient to describe….. At least once every 2-3 days I would go to the bathroom with severe stomach aches and sit there until I would try to calm myself down so that my grandmother wouldnt get worried. I thank God, the Universe, or whoever you think invented life for the fact that highschool had nothing special during that period, just a few tests, that I got the best grades on, because had there been something big, I would have surely failed. That was a nightmare. Just think about it. Horrible La Liga season, then those fucking shaky as fuck second leg matches against Juve AND Bayern. I was literally so pessimistic that I am scaring myself right now thinking about it. All these bad scenarios played through my head ”What if Zizou loses his job? What if this will be the start of our downfall? What if this is the last Champions League final we will play? What if, what if, what if….”. I always tried to tell my brain how stupid I was, that we are Real Madrid and that we will win, like we always do, that we are the best fucking team in the Universe and that nobody even comes close to being like us. But its like these voices in my head wouldnt stop, it was so scary.

Come 25th of May I was an actual lifeless corpse. No matter how much I tried to call my best friend, who was in Bulgaria at that time, and telling her that I cant take this anymore, and her telling me that its going to be okay like it always is, that she doesnt really know my team well but she knows we will win, no matter how much of that was happening, I couldnt fucking stop being nervous and constantly thinking about this match.

On the morning of the 26th I woke up with a severe headache at about 8:30-9 AM. The only things that I remember from that whole day are the constant empty feeling, the amount of times I listened to Hala Madrid Y Nada Mas and the amount of pictures, videos, promotional/support videos I saw and watched. I called my friend one last time and I told her that now I am optimistic, that we will win.

My whole emotional state was ruined, however, by Gareth not starting. I dont need to explain the whole February-May Gaz-Zizou situation because I think everyone knows it too well by now and what I fucking felt about it. I have never been so enraged in my entire life. After all he has done, still no place in the starting XI. Though, this is pretty much the only thing that has ever angered me about Zizou. I love that man too much, I dont think there will ever be a coach that will ever come close to him, a coach that I will ever love as much as I loved him, but this whole situation really, really angered me. As I said, not going to get into details, I think that is enough. Though, I tried to only focus on my hardly achieved positivity about the match. 

The match started and my emotional state reached its lowest point. I couldnt take it anymore, I felt impossibly sick from being so nervous, I got the most severe migraine ever, my eyes were literally about to pop out ugh again, remembering that gives me chills. Dani got injured, and I got angry again, because he didnt deserve it, the World Cup was literally about to start like God give this man a break!!!

Halftime at 0-0, my optimism grew, believe it or not. I felt like we will have more urgency in the second half and that we will win this.

The second half came, with me just desperately hoping for a goal. Because we were playing so well, we deserved a reward!! And it did come, with Benzemas goal, God I felt so relieved and happy. I have seen people saying that his goal was not good but? You literally take everything that is being offered to you in a Champions League final! He scored, he gave us a goal, we were 1-0 up, and I was literally screaming from joy, I was shaking so much and I was the proudest person alive. God, I love my team. Then, Liverpools equalizer came. I didnt think anything of it. I wouldnt get rid of my optimism. I was looking at my boys and I knew we would win.

And Oh My God, here we fucking go. 

Minute 61. Gareth comes on. I was so grateful that he at least got to play 30 minutes, I literally only wanted to see him. At that time, considering everything that was happening, I was already emotionally starting to prepare for his departure to another team. I was watching him in those moments, flashbacks through my mind of all the glorious times I got to see him, all of his goals, everything.

And then…

All of a sudden…

62:58

That moment. The moment in which my soul has definitely left my body. The most beautiful moment I have ever lived in watching football. The moment in which I was the proudest person alive. A moment I will never, ever, ever forget, for as long as I get to live. The moment I have literally seen history being made, right before my eyes. The moment in which I literally evaporated, left the Earth, idk how to explain this but I hope you understand me. My idol, that had suffered so much that season, scored a fucking bicycle kick in a FUCKING UCL FINAL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. The happiest, most full of joy, best, most emotional moment. Ever. No exaggeration.

My perspective on this? Oh well, brace yourselves. If you think everything that I have written so far seems insane, get ready for this.

I was on my bed, watching the game, shaking. I saw the passes, beautiful passes, that ended up with Marcelo controling the ball (incredibly, as he always does, my Brazilian sunshine). I saw him swaying to the side, and then passing a high, aerial ball in the box. Gareth came up to meet it, with… a scissor kick. That he scored. I literally fucking exploded like there is no other word. I jumped off my fucking bed and I ran literally across the house and came back, making the most inhuman noises ever I swear. I came back to my bedroom and I collapsed on the floor and I literally started fucking bawling my eyes out, and even that seems like an understatement. Screaming at the top of my lungs, bawling my eyes out, literally all of it happening on the floor. My grandmother literally came in and she thought something happened to me, but then I just pointed to the screen and she understood lmao. And from that point onward I cannot say anything anymore, because I dont remember anything else but me on the floor, literally. After like 15 minutes I hardly even managed to get back on the bed, and guess what?

82:41

AGAIN. 

A

G

A

I

N

???? I dont know what to say anymore. Like he literally toyed with everyone that night, he didnt care about anything. Again, with a pass from Marcelo, he literally goes from FAR FAR FAR away and he shoots and… scores?? How much do you think my poor fragile self can handle? Like, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SAY TO THAT?? Except for bawling your eyes out even more, if thats even possible? Its been 7 months and I still dont have words for what happened that night, like 2 goals ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WAS LITERALLY DEAD LIKE ??? I LOST EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MY SANITY THAT NIGHT. 2 goals, 2 goals in 20 minutes, he was about to get a fucking hattrick. A fucking HATTRICK IN HALF AN HOUR, but Karius unfortunately stopped that shot.

The match ended and… I dont remember anything other than barely seeing the screen, I literally had a blurred vision.

We fucking won it. We DID IT. THE DECIMOTERCERA WAS OURS.

In the moment in which Sergio lifted it I… I dont have words, did I go into another Universe, did I ascend, did my soul leave my body I dont even know but what I do know is that I spent the rest of the night, up until like 6AM, crying my heart out. And this is what I mean by ”I have never cried so much in my entire life”. Like I have never spent a whole night crying.

I went to bed at like 6:30, woke up at like.. 10?? I think you can imagine how I woke up, I literally felt like I was going to die but I spent the rest of the day catching up on everything that happened the entire night.

And then, of course, the celebrations, Cibeles, Bernabeu… of course your sensitive girl bawled her eyes out again lol!

Every day ever since it happened, I have always been thinking about this day. About all of it. No point in counting how many times I rewatched the goals lol! But I think you can imagine haha 💘

So yeah, this is pretty much it DSLKFDKJFKDFJKDFK. The story about my best ever day of watching football I made it unecessarily long (Im so sorry). I think the only conclusion that I can get from this is Hala Madrid Y Gareth Y Nada Mas lol! 💘💘

[hoyoungy]

On-Air | Vernon/Hansol (III)

genre: fluff, comedy, slight angst, college au | vernon x radio personality!reader summary: under the pseudonym Honey, you are the host of the most popular radio show in the city called Honey Time Radio where you give advice about relationships, school, and life in general. when it comes to your own love-life, however, you don’t have the best luck, and you don’t even follow your own advice! so what happens when you get a call from a listener who’s asking you advice on how to get to your heart? word count: 2702 a/n: i get so carried away with the dialogue LOL. hope you all are enjoying it so far! warnings include swearing & that it’s a dialogue-heavy fic. as seen on my ao3

part ii, iv

“SOOO ~” Wonwoo sang loudly as he plopped down next to you in the lecture hall. “How was your study date yesterday ~?”

You were slumped in your seat at your 10:00 AM, hoodie covering your entire face as you tried to nap for five minutes in between lectures. But no, of course Wonwoo had to ruin your peace and quiet.

“It wasn’t a date,” you groaned. “And oh, my God, you were right, he’s fucking hopeless.”

“Jeez, how long did you guys stay up?”

“You know that 24-hour cafe at the corner by the frozen yogurt place? We were there ’til like, 3:00 AM.”

“What, why!?”

“His second midterm is next week and he knows literally nothing from this unit, so we had to start from the beginning. But he’s really bad at staying focused, so we only covered one chapter!” You threw your head back and pulled on your hoodie strings to hide your face. “I’m so tired.”

“You never stay up that late with me to study,” Wonwoo pouted.

“Shut up, your GPA is a 3.89…”

“It’s not a 4.0, though,” he noted. “Did he ask you to study with him again tonight?”

“Not that I can remember. Last night was a blur and it’s still too early for me to think properly.”

“Did you guys kiss?”

“No!” you exclaimed, giving Wonwoo an incredulous look. “Jeez, isn’t it a bit early for him to be kissing me?”

“Hansol’s a wildcard, so I have no idea what he could be up to.”

“You and me both,” you groaned.

The lecture went on as usual, with you trying to follow the powerpoint slides on one half of your laptop screen while at the same time writing your script for tonights show on the other half. After seeing how stressed Hansol was about his exam last night, tonight you wanted to highlight how to tackle self-care during midterms week. Wonwoo spent his time scrolling through his phone. You hated that he didn’t need to put in much effort to get such good grades.

A message popped up on your screen and the ringtone echoed throughout the room. The professor stopped momentarily and looked in your direction, with the rest of your classmates following suit.

“Please silence your devices.”

“Sorry…” you said. Wonwoo leaned over and peaked at your laptop screen.

’Good morning!’ Hansol messaged you. ’Did you sleep well?’

“Tch,” Wonwoo scoffed next to you. “Are you going to tell him you regret staying up with him so late?”

“No. At least not like that, that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

“I mean, it’s the truth.”

“… Why do girls like you?”

“C’mon, _____,” he rolled his eyes. “Look at me.”

“Ugh.”

’Good morning,’ you typed back. ’I did, surprisingly.’

’What are you up to right now?’

’In my second lecture today. How about you?’

’So you had a 9AM!? Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have asked you to stay out with me so late,’ he said, sending several sad emojis.

’Don’t worry about it! I’d much rather stay up with you and help you study than sleep.’ You rubbed the bridge of your nose as you reread your message. You sounded like such a dork.

’Wow, what an honor ~’ he teased. ’That’s sweet of you. But really, thanks so much again. I feel terrible, you must be exhausted. Can I buy you lunch today?’

“Say yes!” Wonwoo whispered. “Say yes, say yes!”

“No way, I-I can’t do it.”

“What, why!?”

“He’s moving way too fast and getting too comfortable too quicky. I’m gonna fuck it up soon, I can feel it.”

“You can’t always assume that, that’s what makes you so bad at relationships!”

“I know, but I just… I just need more time. I need to move at a slower pace so I can think things through.”

Wonwoo sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Whatever you say. What are you gonna tell him?”

’That’s nice of you, but I can’t today. Wonwoo and I have to plan for tonight’s show.’ At least you weren’t completely lying - you would always spend your lunch time with Wonwoo planning out the show.

’Oh, with Honey?’

You raised a brow at his message. Why would he ask about Honey? ’No, she usually doesn’t come to our meetings. It’s just us two.’

’Oh,’ was all he sent in on message bubble.

“What are you doing!?” Wonwoo hissed. “Are you trying to make him jealous!?”

“What? No, why?”

“Well, it kinda looks like you are, and I think it worked.”

“Does it really!? Shit…”

’Maybe next time, then. Have fun,’ he sent you.

“Shit!”

“You weren’t kidding when you said you were going to fuck it up soon, huh?”

“Well, yeah, do you even know me!?” you sighed. “What do I do!?”

“Ask to reschedule. But you have to be the one to set the date. Say you want to eat lunch tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow!? That’s still pretty soon -”

“For fuck’s sake, _____, just do it.”

“Ok ok, jeez,” you muttered. “You should be Honey for one day.”

“Fuck no, I’ll only be Honey for you,” he winked.

’Would you like to get lunch tomorrow instead?’ you asked.

And almost immediately, he replied, ’I’d love to.’

“Happy now?”

“I think you just made his day,” Wonwoo teased.

“And we’re back!” you said into your mic. “You’re here listening to Honey Time Radio. As always, thanks Dj Wonwoo for, uh, you know, mixing them beats.”

“Please never say that again,” he dead panned.

“You told me to say that!” you scolded. “Anyways, on the line right now is a caller named Seungcheol who has fulfilled his major requirements the past three years and now is stuck between completing his major and being miserable or starting all over and being happy. Caller number seven, what do you think?”

“I think he should just graduate with the same major,” they said. “He’s spent so much time and not to mention money here, why would he want that to go to waste!?”

“That’s very true, tuition ain’t cheap here,” you sighed, flashes of your student loans appearing in your mind. “Caller number fourteen, how about you?”

“No way, he shouldn’t spend the rest of his life doing what he hates! I think he should start over, no matter how much time or money it takes. A few more years in college will be worth being happy for the rest of his life.”

“Quite optimistic of you! Caller number twenty?”

“Don’t do it, bro, you’ll spend the rest of your life in debt! Trust me…”

“Ah, the hard truth. At least someone said it. Thanks for your input, everyone. Seungcheol, I think you should do what you really want to do if you think you can handle the backlash from it,” you said. “For example, make sure your parents know, or plan out how you’re going to pay for the extra years, you know, all that loan shit.”

“Telling my parents is the scariest part,” he told you. “Any tips on that?”

“Prepare for the worst is all I can tell you. Prepare to get yelled at and for them to not understand. Also choose your words wisely, ‘cuz you know how parents can be when you try to explain something for the tenth time, and they’re like, ’don’t give me that attitude, young man!!!!’”

“I definitely will. Thank you, Honey, you really know how to ease the mind.”

“Aw, I try,” you said, smiling smugly. “Thanks for calling, Seungcheol. I know something like this can be really stressful during midterms week, which leads us to our next topic. Honey Time Radio would like to wish everyone a healthy week of studying, since midterms are next week. Study with a couple friends if you can, because studying alone can be demotivating and lonely. Use apps that block all of your social media for a couple of hours as you study. And rremind yourself that it’s ok to take as many breaks as you need. But most importantly, remember that no amount of studying could make up for skipping meals and skipping sleep. I’m totally guilty of breaking that rule every semester, but I’ve gotten better! Your guys’ health is more important than one midterm grade, so please, everyone take care of yourselves.

“We’ll be taking our last call for this evening. Hello, caller number twenty-two, what can I do for you ~?” you sang.

“Hey, Honey. It’s, uh, me again. Vernon.”

You nearly choke on your water as you hear Hansol’s voice. You gave Wonwoo a brief glance of panic and he just shrugged. What could he possibly be calling back about!?

“Oh! H-Hey, Vernon!” you said shakily. “Nice to hear from you again! What’s up…?”

“I called again because I need someone to tell me that I’m overthinking things.”

“What are you overthinking?”

“So I did what you said yesterday and asked her to study and hangout and she said yes.”

“Hey ~ congrats!” you commented awkwardly. “How did it go?”

“I think it went amazing! I’ve never had so much fun studying before,” he chuckled. You couldn’t hold back your growing smile - Hansol seemed so sweet. “We stayed up until 3:00 AM and just talked during our study breaks. I feel so… myself around her.”

“What’s the problem then?”

“I asked to grab lunch today because I felt bad she had to stay up so late and wake up for an early lecture. But then she said no, because…” he paused.

Your eyes shifted over to Wonwoo, who was innocently listening to Hansol rant. He shot you a guilty smile knowing that the reason Hansol was calling you was because of your friendship with him.

“She said no because she already had plans with this other guy.”

You tried your best to hold back a loud groan as Wonwoo snorted. You couldn’t believe that Hansol was jealous because of Wonwoo.

“What’s her relationship with this guy?”

“I don’t know! She said they were just, um, working on a project together, but they’re literally together all the time.”

“What!?” you screeched accidentally. That was such a lie, you weren’t always with Wonwoo! Just… very frequently… “I-I mean, I can kind of see why you’re upset…”

“So am I just overthinking things or should I be more straightforward with her and beat the other guy to the punch?”

“No! Definitely don’t do that!”

“Really? Why not?”

“U-Uh, she might be overwhelmed with your bluntness or she’s not ready to jump into something so quickly. You guys have only hung out once.”

“So I’m just crazy, huh?” Hansol asked lightly.

“A little bit. Did she at least reschedule lunch?”

“Yeah, for tomorrow.”

“Oh, Vernon ~ you have nothing to worry about yet,” you reassured. “I promise you.”

“Really?”

“Really. Her rescheduling means that she didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to get lunch with you. She obviously enjoyed being with you last night,” you blushed. “However, if she keeps rescheduling, that’s when you should worry.”

“I was just starting to feel sane again until that last part.”

“Sorry, friend! Just making sure you’re prepared for the worst.”

“What about the other guy? Should I be worried about him?”

You see Wonwoo gag from the corner of your eye. “Maybe find out for yourself what their relationship is like first before you jump to any conclusions.”

“Jumping to conclusions is what I do best.”

“You and me both…” you muttered. “I wish you the best of luck, Vernon. Call back again if you need more help.”

“You’re the best, as usual.”

“Thanks, I know ~” you said, hanging up on Hansol. “And that about wraps up our show for tonight, everyone! Thanks again for listening and remember to stay safe out there. Honey Time Radio wishes you all a good night. This is Honey signing off.”

“’She obviously enjoyed being with you last night ~’” Wonwoo mocked, making kissing noises. “So gross.”

“Shut up, so what if I did?”

“What do you even think about him? Do you like him?”

“I think he’s very sweet,” you smiled. “And funny, and charming, and wow, he’s really cute…”

“Then what’s holding you back!? And don’t tell me any of that ’I’m gonna fuck it up’ nonsense or ’he’s only using me for Honey’ bullshit because there’s no way he is if he’s calling about you!”

“I mean, you heard him yesterday! He’s been around, you know? I don’t want to be another one of his collection of flings or part of his hook-up bingo.”

“He wears condoms! At least I hope, I mean, I’ve seen his room and the costco-sized box he keeps.” Your face twisted in disgust as you could imagine why he needed such a box of that, uh, magnitude. “You need to cut him some slack.”

“I’m damaged, ok,” you pouted.

“I know, and that’s why I’m trying to help you. I really don’t know how you’re going to deal with giving Hansol advice on how to win your heart. Isn’t that, like, conflict of interest, or something?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

“Thanks, I definitely need it.”

“Are you going home now?”

“Um,” you paused. You had something else in mind you wanted to do. “No. I think I’m going to ask Hansol what he’s up to.”

“Miss me already?” Hansol teased as you took a sit in front of him in the library.

“Of course. Not like I saw you yesterday, or anything.”

“How was the show? I was only able to listen to the first half,” he lied.

“It was good - someone from yesterday called back again today, which was weird.” You saw him shift uncomfrotably in his chair. “But his situation was really cute. I hope he calls back again.”

“O-Oh yeah, why’s that?”

“I don’t know, I really want to listen to how it turns out. I hope it works out for them in the end.”

“Yeah… Me too.” Hansol gave you a shy smile, one that was completely different than his usual smirk. You could feel the blush creeping up on your face. “Can I walk you home?”

“Y-Yeah,” you stuttered. “That’d be great.”

The first few minutes in your way home were spent in awkward silence. It seemed like he was hesitating to ask you something - probably involving Wonwoo. It was cute how jealous he was of him that you almost wanted tease him about it.

“So,” he started. “How was planning with Wonwoo?”

Bingo. “Good, although I did most of the planning, as usual. Wonwoo just kind of sat there and took care of all the music stuff.”

“Do you two hang out a lot?”

“Other than the weekends, I can’t remember a day where I haven’t seen him,” you said, smiling to yourself. Wonwoo was truly a great friend, and you’d have to thank him more for it.

“Oh,” Hansol said awkwardly.

“Yeah. He’s a great friend,” you emphasized.

“Have you guys ever tried dating before? You seem like a good match for each other…”

“Ugh, Wonwoo’s an insufferable, lazy slob. He’s like the annoying twin brother I’ve always wanted.”

“Really? That’s it?” he asked, eyes wide with hope.

“Are you jealous of him?” you teased, pulling on his hoodie strings again.

“Honestly? A little bit,” he said, looking down in embarrassment. “I was upset that you declined my offer for lunch today.”

“At least I rescheduled!”

“Yeah, so that made up for it.” Hansol wrapped his hand around the one that held onto his hoodie strings again, just like last night. But this time, you didn’t pull away. Slowly, he laced his fingers between yours and led you home, melting away any insecurities you had about him at that moment.

“You’re still paying though, right?” you asked.

“Of course.”

[vulcansmirk]

tagged by - @sgtbcky​ (aka my secret twin????? same tattoo and everything?????) rules - you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people (yikes???? yeah no lol. i’m much too timid for that) tagging - anyone who wants to. really and sincerely.

the last 1. drink: water 2. phone call: an uber, i think??? or else my mom 3. text message: my dude cassandra 4. song you listened to: rise up by imagine dragons 5. time you cried: while watching wonder woman yesterday lol. like three times. shit’s amazing 6. dated someone twice: i thought that was an urban myth 7. kissed someone and regretted it: did you mean all three times?? 8. been cheated on: never 9. lost someone special: several people, extremely recently 10. been depressed: uh, now?? 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: like four days ago...... oops

3 favorite colors 12. maroon 13. olive green 14. royal purple

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yeah 16. fallen out of love: i’m doing my best 17. laughed until you cried: a couple times. months ago now 18. found out someone was talking about you: literally yesterday 19. met someone who changed you: multiple someones, yes 20. found out who your friends are: more and more all the time 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: unfortunately, yes general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them 23. do you have any pets: unless you count other people’s cats who’ve spent enough time with me that they love me more than their owners........ no 24. do you want to change your name: nah 25. what did you do for your last birthday: had a fantastic party at my shitty apartment. watched the people i loved most get drunk and laugh together 26. what time did you wake up: like........ 1:30pm. lol 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: drinking beer and bitching about former friends 28. name something you can’t wait for: the day i meet someone who’s brave enough to be fucking real with me 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like an hour ago. she flew into town this afternoon lol 31. what are you listening to right now: traffic through the open window 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah. i worked with a tom at the writing center in college. good dude 33. something that is getting on your nerves: fake friends refusing to recognize their own culpability in the collapse of our friendship 34. most visited website: facebook, apparently. god help me 35. hair colour: brown 36. long or short hair: short 37. do you have a crush on someone: lol not anymore 38. what do you like about yourself: my commitment to honesty and empathy 39. piercings: two in each earlobe 40. blood type: i actually have no idea 41. nickname: sav; emo sevvie 42. relationship status: brutally single 43. zodiac: aquarius 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: dear god how do i choose?? maybe sense8. or the office. or star trek. or alias. or 46. tattoos: my first tattoo was the ‘i dare you to do better’ i got tattooed on my left shoulder blade in college (low-key star trek quote from stxi); my second tattoo i got just after my 22nd birthday, and it’s the ‘per aspera ad astra’ i’ve got on my left collarbone. i have plans for so many more though. fuck 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: i once had a ranula removed????? 49. piercing: as i stated previously: two in each earlobe 50. sport: is sleeping a sport? 51. vacation: yikes......... well i went to new york a couple of times in the fall for various conventions. and i guess the road trip to move me and my sister to boston counts as a vacation?? plus i’ve been to vancouver (canada) and we backpacked around the u.k. when i was like ten. also took a road trip down to portland once when my sister was looking at colleges down there, and we drove down to arizona once to visit family, and i flew to wisconsin to visit my nana when i was sixteen. actually i’ve been a lot of places. lol 52. pair of trainers: converse.................. but i prefer my docs

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: nothing right now. might go in for the rest of my eggplant stack soon though 54. drinking: water. still a bit tipsy from dinner with my mom lol 55. i’m about to: text my boss at the ice cream shop about my next training, then watch new girl till i’m tired enough to sleep 56. waiting for: an email from the owner of the cafe inside the wine bar that i really really really want to work at. also (i guess) for my so-called friends to wake up and realize they fucked up and they miss me. that last probably won’t happen though 57. want: to find some fucking peace. also to build a better world (peace for me, and peace for everyone else, too) 58. get married: probably not. i see myself being very happy in a long-term monogamous relationship, i just don’t feel the need to stand in front of a crowded room and proclaim my devotion to all and sundry 59. career: novelist/filmmaker

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: hugs 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger: twice. god 68. drank hard liquor: sooooooo much 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: i don’t think so?? 70. turned someone down: barely 71. sex on the first date: that would require me to have been on a first date 72. broken someone’s heart: i doubt it 73. had your heart broken: countless times 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: always 76. fallen for a friend: exclusively

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: almost  78. miracles: nah 79. love at first sight: nope 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: sure, why not 82. angels: nope

OTHER 83. current best friend’s name: ??????? 84. eye colour: brown 85. favourite movie: still catws, probably................... it changed me

[frcstwclf-moved]

by popular demand (aka @warricrbcrn suggested it and i told her to) i’m going to answer all of these questions. answers under the cut.

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionally answered

aegerine: my muse's opinion of the supernatural he has respect for the spirits of his ancestors, obviously, but that’s really it

agate: how my muse calms down answered

blue lace agate: my muse's favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.) verbal communication is really the only way he communicates (he rarely writes letters and doesn’t have much experience with sign or anything else) so i guess that.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly he’s a big brave boi. he’s not stupidly brave, but still incredibly so. he isn’t fearless either, but he’ll jump into a fight no problem if need be.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themself answered

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonest answered

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift into ... a wolf.

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my use is considering all of the events in his life, unlucky. not that he believes in luck, but anyway.

angel aura quartz: my muse's opinion of LGBT+ issues not really something he has experience with. i don’t know that LGBT+ issues were really a thing for orcs of his time; they existed, i’m sure, but considering the way that a lot of orc culture works and how intolerable a lot of it is in general, gay, trans, and other orcs of similar identities and sexualities were probably closeted and thus Durotan probably has no idea about any of it. that’s not to say he wouldn’t support them; he feels everyone has the right to a happy life. everyone. (willing to make a longer post on this later)

apache tears: a sadness headcanon he just vanishes and stops talking when he’s sad. he’ll just sit there. you have to make sure he even survives to the point where he’ll break into emotion again, be it negative or positive, because he’ll just sit in the same spot and stare at the ground for fucking hours.

apatite: a headcanon about my muse's intuition it’s saved his life so many times, its ridiculous. his gut-feeling is his best friend, but it seems to clash a lot with his reasoning, especially around Gul’dan’s time of power.

apophyllite: my muse's religious/spiritual beliefs what religion would you call the orcs? they worship their ancestors, it’s not like there’s any god at play there.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxed his home. sitting around their big communal fireplace in the center of their village with his family.

biotite: the biggest problems my muse is currently dealing with being dead. lol

bloodstone: how my muse sees themself as part of the world at large Durotan just feels like he’s another orc chieftain doing his job. he doesn’t understand why so many people think he’s so special, outside of standing up to Gul’dan.

calcite: my muse's social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.) he likes people, but anymore than the orcs in his clan and he feels a little overwhelmed. he really only had one good friend that he talks to consistently, and that’s Orgrim, but as far as chieftain-y things his social skills are decent. he’ll tread water until he physically can’t handle it anymore, which is incredibly rare.

carnelian: an art-related headcanon Durotan actually has some artistic talent. he can kinda sketch landscapes and people, if he tries.

celestite: how my muse deals with anxiety not healthily, lmao. he bottles it up until it explodes into one giant mass of anxiety, which means he’ll go sulk for a few hours if possible. if it isn’t, he gets REALLY irritable REALLY quickly.

chalcedony: the saddest my muse has ever been the morning he discovered Ga’nar’s body, the morning after Garad had died and Durotan had been named chieftain. the grief, the anxiety, and the overall reality of it overwhelmed him until he was physically trembling. he spent that night weeping in his mother’s arms.

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationships it’s hard for him to do, but if there comes a point where he has to cut ties with someone, he’ll drop’em like they aint shit. no questions asked.

charoite: who my muse looks up to answered

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanon he doesn’t have any, lol.

copper: how I think my muse will end up when they're older he’d be an awesome, wise old chieftain tbh. he’d know alllllll the Frostwolf secrets to teach the kiddos. he’d be heavily grieved by the clan, had he died of old age.

coral: how my muse views the natural world it’s incredibly precious to him. watching Draenor die was one of the hardest things he’s ever done.

diamond: a sex headcanon [ SWEATS ]

dolomite: a sleep headcanon Durotan is a light sleeper, and he either lays on his side or his back. he is often kept up at night by bouts of night terrors and general insomnia, so he’ll stare at the ceiling of the tent until it’s early enough for him to leave and roam around camp without being questioned

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without words touches and gestures. arm around your shoulders, a hug, a pat on the arm, that thing people do where they rest their hand on your lower back, hand on your shoulder... the works.

fluorite: what my muse's room looks like it’s relatively neat, i imagine Draka kicks any mess in their tent back into shape. having two sloppy older brothers kinda made him wanna be organized considering there was a time where all five of them lived in a tent together and, from personal experience, sharing sleeping spaces with your siblings fucking sucks

fossil: what my muse's dream job is he really doesn’t have any quarrel with being chieftain. he doesnt know what else he’d do, honestly.

galena: what it's like to be in a relationship with my muse lots of playful bickering and play fighting, but he also will show regularly how sincerely and how much he cares, whether in words or gestures is up to him.

garnet: what my muse's perfect partner would be DRAKA.

gold: my muse's financial situation i don’t know how financially dependent Frostwolves are. pretty sure they just hunt, make, or gather everything they need. he’s doing fine.

hematite: how squeamish my muse is he’s witnessed graphic cannibalism, stabbed a numerous amount of people and gutted and/or beheaded just as many, and has literally bathed his entire face in blood. he doesn’t care. the only thing that’s ever succeeded in making him puke that wasn’t caused by sickness was the combined stench of several hundred decaying bodies, sweaty gross B.O. bodies, and piss and fecal matter when he already felt incredibly put off by his situation. and he puked ONCE.

hiddenite: how much of an "inner child" my muse has jesus, he’s such a man-child. he’d be wrestling in the mud with Orgrim well into his 40′s, knowing him.

iolite: my muse's drinking habits Durotan doesnt drink often but when he does he gets fucked UP. waiting for the day he wakes up in bed next to Blackhand or something tbh.

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partner NEVER. hes loyal as fuck. plus Draka would flog him

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parent the dad who tries to be cool and hip and relatable w his kid bc he loves him but just embarrasses Go’el

kyanite: an anger headcanon he screams into Stormfang’s pelt, sometimes. as if killing the poor fucking thing wasn’t enough.

lapis lazuli: where 'home' is to my muse anywhere that his family is. they are his home as much as Frostfire is.

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my muse all kinds of people, honestly. he’s a charismatic and fair leader that’s well-loved by his clan, people like that.

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew up he thought that he and Orgrim would be the clan’s mightiest hunters. he hadn’t a care in the world about being chieftain.

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality trait he thinks he doesn’t have a good enough hold on his temper. he’s constantly afraid of snapping and killing someone without meaning to.

moonstone: my muse's opinions on outer space he thinks the idea of it is cool as shit, even if all he’s ever seen are the moon and stars from the ground. he thinks it’s beautiful.

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them down he’s always tried to bring them up, and he usually succeeds. Durotan has never been a pessimist, and he’s always been able to inspire and invigorate the Frostwolves at their lowest points.

nebula stone: how good my muse's memory is very sharp and keen. he can remember things that were said or happened years ago like it was yesterday.

obsidian: which of the seven deadly sins my muse would be probably wrath or pride. Durotan’s temper and lack of self control when upset has always been one of his greatest downfalls, and the Frostwolves are kinda known for being incredibly proud of their heritage and who they are. i feel like he’s a closer match to wrath, just because he’s a bit more humble than, say, Garad.

opal: how creative my muse is he’s moderately creative. he’s not really an artist or a creator, but he enjoys and appreciates creativity and the arts and would rather delight in others’ ideas instead of wrack his brain for his own.

pearl: a mental health headcanon anxiety and stress are eating away at his psyche 3/4 of the time, but he’ll be damned before he admits that to anyone. his PTSD gives him a lot of hell, too. he’ll wake up in a cold sweat right out of a nightmare about his father or one of his brothers or Stormfang, and he’s even had ones concerning that whole cannibalism Nokrar situatuon, but instead it’s the whole clan lying there gutted and eaten, wolves and all. he doesn’t really have flashbacks, unless something REALLY fucked up is going on and it somehow pertains to one of those things. he feels neverending guilt about his entire life in general and not having been able to do more for the people he’s lost. it’s not healthy, at all, and occasionally he’ll open up about it to someone he trusts. usually doesn’t happen all that often, though.

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the street ”WHO’S WALLET IS THIS”

pyrite: a physical health headcanon i don’t think that he’s as ripped as everyone seems to think he is? I mean yea he’s buff and strong and huge but i don’t think he’s got a perfect six-pack or anything. a very toned dad bod, if you will

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see them as an authority figure, or a friend. or an enemy. depends on who ‘people’ is.

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenience CONVENIENCE.

rubellite: if my muse has any 'triggers' that inspire painful memories Ga’nar and Fenris, honestly. he avoids mentioning them in conversation like the plague. the names themselves ARE painful memories.

ruby: a happiness headcanon if he’s smiling with all of his teeth showing, it means he’s fucking ECSTATIC.

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would choose JESUS CHRIST I HATE THESE. he’d take Go’el, Draka, and Orgrim, probably. watching the rest of the clan plummet off a cliff (HIS FUCKING MOTHER BEING A PART OF THEM), he’d NEVER forgive himself.

serpentine: how my muse would seduce another [alt: how my muse makes their money] DUROTAN? SEDUCE SOMEONE??? H A

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininity he really doesn’t give a damn. what’s even the difference, in orc culture? everyone’s got long hair, everyone’s wearing skirts, everyone’s kicking ass and taking names... how does it work

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fate answered

ulexite: how empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate my muse is extremely. he cares about everyone and everything, and doesn’t want to hurt people if he doesn’t have to. unakite: what my muse's ideal pet would be his wolfie, Nightstalker. loves him to bits

verdite: my muse's ethnicity/family history an unbroken line of Frostwolf chieftains, apparently, and he descended from the nomadic Frostwolf Clan

zebra stone: what gets my muse excited wolf pups. hunting. Draka. Orgrim. Go’el. Geyah. weaving. horse-play. his clan mates. THERES A LOT.

zoisite: does my muse believe everything's going to work out for them in the end or not? ... yes. he really, truly believes that everything will be okay.

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, well today wasn't bad. Still kind of overall stressed, but dealing with it. I have time at least, to get all this shit done, get it spaced out over and all that, so that helps. Alarm went off at 7 and I got out of bed and made it to work and made it through the rest of the file for the permanency hearing, which was more of the parents being like "we're not alcoholics we don't need treatment fuck you" all the way to getting their damn kid removed, so I write up some normal permanency hearing questions and took that and the file over to the lawyer who gave it to me to talk to him about it. I ask if they ever made a paternity finding, because there was a whole big thing about it because apparently her "dad" her whole life isn't technically her legally-presumed dad because her mother was married to someone else when she was born, but I never found a finding, and then the lawyers like "oh yeah, well dad passed away in November, something related to his alcoholism." Oh. Well. And he goes on to add the mom is basically on her death bed in the same situation. Don't need treatment my ass. This poor child. She seems like a good kid though, so hopefully we can get her get into some post-high school training if not actual college. I'll get to meet her and interview her Monday. At that point I went back to my office and created a template for permanency hearing questions that I could just tweak for individual cases since the status based questions are largely the same. Somewhere in all of this my eyes were drooping way too much again so I took another 15 minute head on desk session, I might've actually passed out for a few minutes, but when the alarm went off I freaked out for a minute because I was expecting the wrong time for some reason and thought I accidentally passed out for like two hours lol. So I was fairly glad that didn't happen. Somewhere in here I also tried to call my psychiatrist about the whole Xanax thing I was discussing last night, only to be told he's on vacation till the end of the month.....I mean, the guy definitely deserves it, he's partially retired already and probably in his 70's, and I don't want to disturb him or anything, but like, I know him and I know he would want to hear two sentences from me on this issue but I didn't want to say it was an emergency because it wasn't, and if I did they probably would've put me on with one of the other psychiatrists that are filling in for him, and I'm sorry but there's no way I'm trusting anyone else with this shit. I think I'm gonna increase it to 3 mg a day for now at least, which is still within the normal range he said I could try so it's not a big deal. Hopefully that will make finals a bit more manageable. So that was less than ideal, but oh well. All of my events are really out of order for today so idk if any of this happened in this order, but around lunchtime I went to go see my across the hall friend who's now my across the building friend, to see if she was feeling better and if she wanted to get lunch because I, like a kindergartener, left my lunch box in the fridge yesterday (I had actually packed dinner in a brown paper bag for later but I didn't want to pack two of those). So we went to the "bakery" that has super awesome pizza an I got some of their pizza with the seriously biggest slices and ate like, half a slice lol. So good though. It was nice to talk to her though, we traded crazy stories from our courthouse and the DV one, and I was just like man, I'm so glad I have people I can share these things with without them being immediately horrified and me being like "yes I know those are terribly tragic circumstances but if you hang in there for a moment the court moment was really funny!!" Lol, it's gallows humor for sure but I mean gotten let it out somehow. I vent to my brother about crazy cases too, that's helpful since talking about the law is one of the few things we can talk about and actually have a lengthy productive discussion on without it somehow devolving into him being an asshole (mostly, anyway). So there's that at least. He appreciates my stories. So back from lunch and I spent a while organizing orders into alphabetized folders for two different lawyers haha who both apologized for the shitty work but I'm like hey whatever it's all good I know I'm the intern and I'll deal with your shitty jobs if it gets me a good in here. And then I had to show my supervisor how to send in the mid-semester evaluation my field placement supervisor wanted from him (oh, and he apparently knew my FP supervisor like 15 years ago and he was her boss in this office??? I swear he was everyone's boss at some point) because he was getting so lost in computer forms and retrieving files and saving them and electronically signing forms, so I'm just sitting there showing him how to do it and he's like "ohmygosh Rachel, you're so smart!!!" and I'm like trying not to laugh because he's just so adorably funny. And then of course I got to read more of the nice things he said about me which made my heart melt once again because he's literally so nice I can't handle it and his words are always really genuine too so it's nice. And yeah. So I didn't have anywhere to rush to right after leaving the juvenile courthouse today for the first time I can remember since, the summer, since I decided no kickboxing this week because I simply don't have the emotional or physical energy for it, so I was just gonna find a Starbucks to chill in and work on my appellate brief until small group time. So I got to like, take my time leaving and my supervisor is like "Rachel what are you still doing here, you're gonna be late to class!!" and it's like 5:01 haha so funny. So then waiting for the bus I saw the PD that was on the panel we did yesterday so we of course talked about delinquency stuff, like the spring break project from last year and of course eventually got into the whole transferring to adult court thing and I mentioned the slenderman case because that's just the most horrific case of misjudgment by the system and she'd heard of it of course but didn't know the details and she was beyond horrified to hear that they're trying two severely mentally ill 12 year old children as adults and having them face 35 years in prison. Like, we literally have an entire juvenile justice system FOR PRECISELY THESE REASONS. Bypassing it ignores all the science and research and not to mention the recidivism rate which skyrockets when you try children as adults. I'll cap it there though, not gonna go into a full rant at the moment (I know I've already done it on here). I got off the one bus to catch another and had to watch it stop and drive off while I was stuck on the other side of the crosswalk which SUCKS and it was just chilly enough to be annoying out today, but then thankfully another bus came like 2 minutes later which isn't typical but I was very grateful for. So I took that to the Starbucks area, then popped into Walgreens to buy more of their caramel chocolates that Lyft driver got me hooked on (lol) except they didn't have those exact ones, so I got what's basically the same but with toffee pieces and I tried a little and they're pretty amazing. So then I went to Starbucks and got an iced white tea lemonade and tried to surreptitiously eat my sandwiches (I mean I was facing the window so I didn't have to be all that secretive about it) and start the behemoth that is gonna be finishing my appellate brief, and I pretty much immediately felt lost, but always over like the stupid stuff I could find like whether saying "don't use the party names" meant the given names or the terms plaintiff/defendant....(it's the prior, I think anyway) but I figured as some sort of game plan I would work on fixing the argument section based on the feedback I got from our prof, since that still is the substance of the brief, and then work on adding all the extra parts. Half of the edits she gave me though we're like about ordering the arguments and shit and it just pissed me off because I like the way I order my arguments, dammit, because IT MAKES SENSE, and I'm sorry if it doesn't fit your blue book standard but my boss at my actual job where I submit actual motions to actual court seems to be quite impressed with it so you can take your argument order and shove it.....(note please that that wasn't actually directed at my prof, cuz I kind of like her, and I know it's the curriculum and not her setting the standards). But that just annoyed me cuz like, real life isn't legal writing fact patterns. You're not always gonna have an analogous case and a distinguishable case, and you're gonna have to make it work. I just....I get too worked up about all of it. But I at least made some progress on preliminary efforts, so maybe, 5% done? It's a start, at least. I walked from the Starbucks to church which is like a ten minute walk and even though it was still a little chilly I haven't done any walking for the past two days and I haven't had any chance to work out this week (I likely won't go to the gym tomorrow because I have no reason to be downtown) so it's something at least, to go with my push ups (which I think may be hurting a muscle in my side, because trying any new physical activity is basically let's see how I can piss my body off this time for me). But yeah, small group was good. This was something I meant to mention quickly on my last week's recap of it, but I think I might have a teeny tiny crush on one of the guys? Like it was in my head last week but it was barely anything, then I get in there today and we start talking about the marvel tv shows and you know I can talk above superheroes all damn day haha so that was enjoyable, and then he was being like "yeah it was cool being at my cousins wedding this weekend but it's also so weird being single at a wedding" and I'm like alright, that might have been a subtle hint, lol, and of course as soon as the idea even entered my head I spent the rest of the night pretty much planning our wedding when I haven't really decided if I even like the guy yet, lol. Physically he's not like drop dead gorgeous, but he's definitely not ugly and has a certain charming quality to his appearance, so I can work with that. The rest of small group (I almost just wrote Smallville) was good too, we talked about a passage in 1 Corinthians I was familiar with about love and of course I got to opine about my deep theories on the issue about how basically the passage is indicative of the entire problem of "religion" and what the church is facing today- that is, they have all the rules, all the right answers, but without love following through all of it it's basically useless, and I feel like that's so on point for what the church is dealing with right now. Like, no. Love meets you were you are. Love is right in there with your mess. Love doesn't require you to clean up your act before you're welcomed into our church. Jesus certainly didn't require it to be let into his presence, so how dare we even try to do it? And yeah, other random deep shit like that, lol, you get the picture. Took the train to the bus as my normal and AGAIN had to run to make the bus (this was a different stop, but same bus route) and again had to bang on the door to get let in while the driver was looking so put out by it and I'm just like....calm your tits lady we're giving your company money but being here, lol. But I got home, didn't almost get run over by a car but had the weird experience of a car stopping fully at a red light, and I started crossing, and then they suddenly started driving again and blew the light by like, a mile. They didn't even come close to wear I was crossing so I was never in danger or anything, but I was like seriously, wtf man? Who does that?!? Idiots. For home and watched Powerless, which was cute of course, then Riverdale which just left me with the comment that this is the one teen drama where all the high schoolers have it together for the most part and all their parents are going batshit crazy, lol. But I enjoyed both, and that pretty much wrapped up my night. And it's late, and I get to sleep in which I'm very glad about, but still I'm tired and want to go to sleep now, so that's what I will do. Goodnight mis amigos. Happy Friday.

[cooksinjapan]

2 Conferences, 2 Festivals, and a Vacation in Nara

久しぶりですね (hisashi buri desu ne) : It's been awhile, hasn't it.

 The last few weeks have been incredibly busy for me, so I appologize for not updating in awhile. School officially started yesterday, and the time between my last update and then have been filled with cramming in as much as humanly possible. The last two weeks have been filled with several multi-day conferences and trainings in Kanazawa. With travel included, those days I was gone for 12+ hours a day. In addition to that, Seth and I took part in two matsuri (festivals). It was my first time seeing a matsuri in person, and it was great! The first one was a dance festival held two weeks ago in Komatsu. Seth, a handful of the other Kaga JETs and myself joined the Komatsu cityhall team. They provided us with festival attire, taught us the dance we would be preforming, and treated us to an all-you-can-eat-and-drink dinner before setting out for the festival. Everyone who was participating had lined up in the streets with their team (all the teams had different costumes/colors) and danced around in a train-like fashion for several hours while traditional musicians sang and played taiko drums. The dance was pretty simple, but of course, I have no coordination so it took me until about an hour into the festival before I actually got it down smoothly. Much to the surprise of all, Seth was a total natural!

Then, last monday, an area of Kaga called Iburihashi had their own festival called Guzu Yaki. The festival commemorates a supposed event where a giant fish destroyed the town until a man came and killed the fish and threw it into a fire. I can't vouch for the authenticity of that story, but I can say the festival was a blast! Two teams spend months creating giant fish floats and then carry them all around town while someone rides ontop playing taiko. Once arriving at the center of town, the two teams ram the fish into each-other, and the one that is less destroyed is the winner. The loser's fish then gets carried back to the local shrine and thrown into a bonfire. I simply watched as a bystander, however Seth actually joined the red-team and got to carry the fish. His team won the fight as well! I took a lot of pictures and video which I will be posting seperately soon. I highly reccomend watching it. They sadly don't convey just how fun and exciting the whole thing was, but its still quite interesting to see! The best part, in my oppinion, was the sense of community and camaraderie it fostered....also the festival food....that festival food...

Last Wednesday-Sunday, I used the last of my Autumn cultural furlow to go to Nara with Seth. Really, I didn't do much that was new, but I was able to show Seth all my favorite places from when I visited in 2016. We went to Nara park and Seth played deer whisperer, saw Todaiji temple (the gigantic Buddha temple), explored the world-heritage primeval forest, played with the owls in the owl cafe, and ate a boat-load of ramen. My favorite ramen place in the world is in Nara, and its cheap and to die for. We literally ended up eating there every single day, but neither one of us wanted to go anywhere else when the ramen place was just around the corner.

While we were there, we also took a trip into Kyoto, which is only about an hour away by train. I had a fantastic time there!  We went to the museum of traditional crafts where they highlighted hand-crafted items made with incredibly old techniques, such as kimono dyeing and embroidery, wood work, metal work, paper making, potteryand more. They even had craftsmen demonstraiting their skills, and the giftshop was filled with their work that you could buy. I wanted to get so much, but it was all way over my budget so sadly, I only looked. At some point while I'm in Japan, I will have to save up and go back there to get something. It was really incredible!

After that we went to Nijo Castle, the castle of Ieyasu Tokugawa (arguably one of the most important men in Japanese history, and also, a particular interest to me.) When I was in college, we actually spent almost an entire week in my Edo art class discussing Nijo Castle, so it was amazing to see it in person. I was thrilled! I also pretty much acted as tour guide for Seth. It was funny because I'd tell him all about a painting or architecture and/ or the history/meaning behind it, and then a few minutes later we'd find a display that said exactly what I had just told him! It was amusing to me.

Finally, we finished our Kyoto trip with a visit to Fushimi Inari Shrine (the 5,000 Tori gate shrine.) I had visited it before as well, but considering its one of Japan's most famous shrines (as well as just being incredible) I was happy to see it again. By the time we got there, it was already almost dark, so we didn't travel very far up the mountain. They light up the shrine, and to some extent the mountain pathway, but it still seemed daunting when it started to get steep. Not to mention, we were pretty exhausted already from the previous few days of travel. In 3 days, we walked almost 30 miles! My feet are still tired lol

Now we are back home and school has finally started. In somewhat of a mixed blessing, I am still mostly just sitting at a computer for now. The students have testing this week, so my JTE (Japanese Teacher of English, aka., the teacher I will be co-teaching with) doesn't want me to start teaching until next week. It was a little dissapointing because I didn't know that when I came to school yesterday, so I had stayed up late the night before preparing my lesson and was ready and excited to meet my students, and then I just sat at my desk all day. On the bright side, it gives me time to meet all the other teachers and get familiar with the school, as well as get ahead in lesson planning, so its not all bad. It also finally gave me a chance to sit down and write about the last few weeks! lol!

As I mentioned previously, I have a lot of pictures and videos from the last two weeks that I will be posting in a seperate post soon. Half of them are still on my phone, so I can't upload them until I get home tonight, but please stay tuned.

FYI: I don't know if the news in America has mentioned it at all, but there is a large typhoon that is making landfall today. Its not suppose to reach Ishikawa until tonight, but the latter-half of school has been canclled preemptively. From what I've been told, it shouldn't hit us too badly here as we are nestled between two mountains, but we have plans just incase we do need to find a safe place. I will keep you all updated, but just in case the wind knocks out power or something, please don't think something happened to me. Its much more likely that the powerlines were affected than that something has happened to us.