#i literally sat in my car for like 2 hours outside my apartment bc i couldn't face going inside for some reason

[this-love-is-delicate]

.

[vslattae]

ALL I COULD EVER WANT

ɪᴛ ᴀʟʟ sᴛᴀʀᴛᴇᴅ ʙᴄ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙʀᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴍᴇ ᴀ ᴋᴘᴏᴘ ɪᴅᴏʟ...ʙᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ɴᴏᴛɪᴄᴇᴅ ʜᴏᴡ ᴏɴᴇ ᴏғ ʜɪs ɢʀᴏᴜᴘᴍᴀᴛᴇs ᴘᴀʏᴇᴅ ᴀᴛᴛᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ..

ᴀʟʟ ʀᴇsᴇʀᴠᴇᴅ ʀɪɢʜᴛs ɢᴏ ᴛᴏ ᴠsʟᴀᴛᴛᴀᴇ

Paring: Taehyung x reader

Warnings: angst like a mf (im sorry :( ), mentions of alcohol, fluff ( bc tae cares about y/n) mention of cheating, literally y/n becoming a mess, soft kisses, groping, breast worship, dry humping and yeahhh-

( welp...the first actual smutty chapter..so soon? and this is unedited asf i’m sorry)

chapter 4. Things change..and sometimes it’s nice.

———————————————————————

Once again the you feel the car stop and the light goes on in the car. Opening your eyes you find everyone getting out, jimin wraps you in a blanket with him to fight off the cold.

“ jiminnn it’s so cold why did we stop driving?” you shiver and whine at the same time. “ remember? ryujii needed to get off at the next town so here we are” he said stretching his arms around you attempting to keep you warm. Jungkook finally gets out of the driver seat making his way towards you his sleepy sister and manages to keep you and jimin warm.

Haru and Jin finally emerge out of the car, flashing a wink at you. “ hello sleeping beauty..boy do i have news for you.” she says giggling. Pulling you to the front of namjoons car... “well what is it..?” you looked at her while you yawned.

“ Well first off to start off the drive ryujii was whiney the entire time because tae made her sit up front...and he just kept babbaling about some amazing girl that he likes.” oh that made your heart flutter for sure but as yourself you deny any connection to you and laughed. “ okay good joke...” you scanned her face trying to find out if she was lying or not.

“ y/n...i’m not kidding.” she smiled.. “ but you on the other hand you look like a mess what happened?” she chuckled “ jhope drooled on pants so i have to change them but like i’m surrounded by guys.” she looked down at your pants to find out jhope really did drool on you-

“ come on sleepy bug change in our car..taes in there but he’s passed the fuck out.” she laughed. You hesitatly went into the car poking tae..

“ tae...psttt” you poked his cheek. “ hmm?” he opened his eyes slowly shocked to see you in the car. “ can you hand me a pair of sweats jhope drooled on mine” you pouted. chuckling he nodded “ yeah i can’t find your bag so you can borrow mine only if you come back in here so i can sleep good.” he pulled a pair of his sweats out and handed them to you. “ okay now no peeking.” you scolded him.

pulling the hoodie down to cover your ass, you slid off your jhope drooled sweats and replaced them with taes. “ okay i’m done...” tieing the sweats and slipping your vans back on... “ okay well i have pee y/n so let me get out.” nodding you both hopped out of the car letting tae go to bathroom and joining the others.

“ hobi you drooled on my pants so i had to change.” you whined again. “ oh my i’m sorry y/n...but haha were putting you back into jins car there more room. we were crowded although you were quite a nice pillow” he laughed. Taehyung coming back noticed how much you were shivering so he threw his arms around you so you’d stay warm. Haru and everyone else took note of that smiling there cheesy ass smiles.

“ so where the fuck did ryujii go..?” haru spoke up. “ she went home i guess i don’t fucking know” tae laugh. “ how many hours are we away id much rather sleep in a bed than sleep in a car.” you closed your eyes for a second as taehyung a head fell on your shoulder.

“you look so cute in my pants...” he whispered in a low voice. “ shhh don’t want to kiss you again t.” you whispered back.

“ alright everyone. it’s like 2 hours left let’s get back on the road.” Jimin said. “ jungkook sleep i’ll drive. you get the whole middle seat to yourself” jin said smiling opening the door to let haru in and getting in the driver seat. sitting in the back of the car again with taehyung his hand pooling over your shoulder... “ kiss me again..” he looked at you.

“ tell me about ryujii first than maybe i’ll kiss you again.” you smiled sleepily. “ you’ve met her you know how she is...i found her sleeping hooking up with a guy outside of our apartment.” he said pushing a few strands out of your hair behind your ear.

“ why didn’t you tell me that part?” you pouted at him. “ because you were so busy barking up my ass about flirting with you.” you giggled “ that cannot be true...i don’t always yell at you..” you smiled at him. “ that’s not a true statement either love..now where’s my kiss?” he cooed at you.

“ oh no that’s not how this works...” you layed your head on his shoulder closing your eye lids finally drifting back to sleep. As soon as he knew you were asleep he kissed the crown of your head smiled and fell asleep as well.

꧁꧂

Finally arriving at your vacation home which by now it’s around 6 o’clock in the morning everyone piling there bags into the house and picking out rooms...there was just one teeny problem...stepping into your room that you had just found out tae was in as well there was only one bed. and there was only one person to blame for that. haru.

“ i’m going to take a nap no one please disturb me thank you” you smiled plopping yourself on the bed.

Haru walked in and looked at you. “ hey y/n how about a little bet” she smirked and boy did this cause trouble. “what” you yawned looking at her with half lidded eyes. “so we’re going out and seeing as someone is a little sleepy tae decided to stay here with you...so i’m giving you until the end of the trip to confess for aroundddd i dunno whatever you want me to buy for you” she smiled at you.

“bet easy as pie you know” you giggled back at her. “ alrighty night night princess” she turns off the light and you finally toss over pull your hoodie off and roll over to sleep on your stomach.

About 2 hours later Taehyung comes to check on you..only to find you shirtless...curled up in a ball and lightly tossing and turning..he chuckled and kisses your cheek repeatedly.. “ y/nnn wake up watch a movie with meee” he whines.

“okay okay i’m coming..give me like 2 minutes.” you rubbed your eyes and jumped out of bed. “my goodness you made you so needy tae, i thought i told everyone to not disturb me..” you went into the closet to grab another hoodie. Taehyung noticed how you were still in his sweats, they looked a little baggie on you but you still remained the cutest short girl that he undoubtedly had feelings for.

Running into the living room tae was settled on the couch laying across it, while you came and sat on the floor. About half way into the movie you heard tae whine. “well what’s wrong?” You set your head on the couch peering at him like a little three year old. “I absolutely don’t get this movie it’s tragic.” he starred back at you. “Of course you don’t get it” you laughed throwing your hands to hit his hand lightly.

Taehyungs phone rang, he got up and answered.

“hello?” he looked at you watching the movie in awe as he continued the listening to his phone call.

“what. you still love me?” he walked back and forth.

“listen you know what happened so please don’t try and save yourself...you fucked up.And Do Not, i repeat do not bring her name into this shit thank you but you do indeed still have these so called feelings sort your shit out thank you and goodbye.” he hung up and made his way back to the couch sighing in frustration.

“so that was ryujii i take it?” you turned around to look at him. “No okay don’t worry about it okay?” eyeing him you ask him again.... “then who was it.”

“Didn’t i tell you not worry about...jesus christ y/n can you back off my shit for once?” you paused. What the fuck...frustrated you stood up and walked back into your room “you know tae..for once in my life i tried to be nice and let you in, especially after kissing you for crying out loud, I thought i really actually liked you..but turns out i know your still whipped for that ryujii bitch huh..” You spat that out and closed your room door.

You sank to the floor trying to calm yourself down, half of you wanted to just get up and leave but...you on the other hand had other plans. Getting off the floor you change your clothes into a hoodie and a pair of jeans and walked out of the room.

“y/n where are you going it’s the middle of the god damn day..” he looked at you eyebrow cocked as if he was testing you. “out i’m going for a walk.” you walked out of the house and somehow manage to climb the tree and neared the waters edge. The branch was stable as far you could tell, you just needed to think things out before turning back and slapping taehyung in his god damn perfect face. You didn’t even know how you liked him, you knew him all to well, he was the kind to get drunk on his off days and pull the prettiest girl at the bar while you sat in the apartment along with everyone else managing to block all the whines and crying of the girls he brought over.

Meanwhile in the house taehyung replayed that last part... ‘i thought i actual liked you but your still whipped for that bitch ryujii’ He had to admit that was the harshes you ever gotten with him especially for such a sensitive subject for him..

Returning home everyone came back and haru went to check on you only to find that every room you would have been was empty or filled with everyone else. “where the fuck is y/n” she perched up and asked taehyung. “she went for a walk she yelled at me because of ryujii and left. Jungkook waltz in and noticed that a bottle of soju was missing and he began to frantically search for his you everywhere.

Everyone rushed outside looking for you...

“y/n?!” “where the fuck are you!” jungkook yelled out fearing that maybe a fucked up person actually kidnapped you until he noticed your dangling figure up in a tree, bottle of soju in your hand and it seemed that you were just fine.

“i’m fine jk...expect...i cant get down.” you laughed. “Why on earth are you up there in the first place. you know your afraid of heights jesus.” he worriedly looked up at you trying to figure out why the fuck you were up there in the first place.

“well..” you laughed “i came out here to figure shit out...i just told taehyung that i liked him and he doesn’t even want me jk...he so focused on ryujii so i left the house and came up here because...” you started to sniffle. Yoongi took matters into his own hands climbing up the tree to fetch you off. “jesus y/n...you scared all of us to death no more tree climbing for you okay” he said in a monotone voice to make it seem like he was panicking either.

Once you were safely on the ground jungkook rushed to you and searched for any cuts that tree would have gave you. “i’m fine jk honestly” you handed him the bottle of soju and started stumbling into the house. You spotted haru and she ran up to you. there was a knock on the door...

“I’ll get it” you giggled and wobbled to the front door opening it. There she was..and how the fuck did she know where you guys were. “taehyung it’s for you” you walked back into the room as haru ushered to sit on the counter and watch what happened outside. It seemed like they were arguing...until she kissed him. For the first time you were honestly hurt.. “Shit” haru tried grabbing you before you could open the sliding door to the backyard. Taehyung looked a little taken back...dazed on what the fuck just happened.

“Is there a reason your here or what the fuck are you doing” haru went to look for jungkook before you broke something. “Is there a reason why the fuck you aren’t inside?” ryujii peered at you “I came here to have a nice time with my brother and my family and here you are. It’s like you can never leave ryujii. I honestly don’t know why the fuck you are here.” you spat out at her.

“please tend to your brother and stay out of my shit y/n...god you always ogled over taehyung and now your pissed because of what? Because i’m here?” she scoffed. Now everyone was outside listening to the conversation.

Jungkook finally rushed out to your side. “ you what’s fucked up? You wanna know why i’m pissed ryujii.?” she nodded smiling but soon that smile was gonna disappear in about 0.22 seconds.

“I was there when I saw you kissing that other guy while you were dating taehyung. I’ve kept it to myself for the longest time..he lost his smile because of you hell i was the one that came over in the middle of the night because jk rushed me over because god he was so drunk and was weeping over a stuck up bitch like you. He didn’t do anything but while you sat there and toyed with his heart for no god damn reason ryujii, and here you are back again for no god damn reason. You act like showing here is gonna give you another chance with taehyung but it’s probably never gonna happen. is that hard to figure out he doesn’t want a cheating whore like you.” Your eyes glanced towards taes. and there it was...the eyes half closed trying to forbid the memory. Everyone went silent hearing you ramble on but in the inside jk was screaming along with haru because your actually protecting the ones you love.

“God i’m so touched y/n after all these years you finally got passed the stage of annoyance from taehyung and your actually in love with him aren’t you?” you laughe booming the outside and you had to admit that it was starting to hurt your ears.

“Now to protect you from getting hurt I suggest you to leave now.” Your eyes starting to get a little misty from all the pent up rage that settled in the pit of your stomach. “Oh well...you wanna know something too y/n...while your heart ached for taehyung..i was still the bitch blowing his brains out he even told me how much he missed me...you can pile those feelings down-” Her sentence was cutoff due to taehyung pulling her through the house and kicking her out through the front door followed by you almost punting the chick thank god jungkook had a hand on you because woozy y/n is strong y/n... “please refrain from ever contacting me again ryujii and i mean it and yeah...everything y/n said is correct please stay out of my life and i mean that, goodbye.” he slammed the door in her face and walked into the bathroom.

Haru looked at you. “ god since when is drunk y/n such a bold bitch?” she giggled and pulled you into a hug. “ i’m proud of you especially from refraining to any violence acts you know.” for the first time in a long time you cried...you cried because you could finally let everything go the hiding your feelings and the guilt that built upside you, it felt like the monster that was sucking the life out of you was finally gone. or so you hoped she would never return..

Everyone surrounded you and made sure your okay. “hey goober.” jungkook looked at you. “if this means your fucking tae...gross” he laughed. “ew gross..” you scoffed. “anyways i’m still tired and i’m going to lay down okay..” you smiled at him. “go shower first..we still have a week here before we have to go back to the company i just want to enjoy my time here with you and everyone else okay.?”

༺༻

Around 10 o’clock is when everyone settled down getting ready to go to sleep..tae peered in at your sleeping figure. “you know how hard it was for me to not beat the shit out of your ex girlfriend.” you sat up “you know how long it took you to figure shit out” he laughed a little. “tae i’m sorry about yelling at you-” he cut you off.. “ it’s fine i just wanna take things slow..i’m sorry for being a dick i should have kicked her out when she showed up.” his face inched out closer to yours.. “ i do believe you owe me a kiss still..” his lips ghosting your ever so slightly.

“you want it now or a few more months later.?” you looked up at him admiring his face once again. he layed down next to you rolled over..

“heyyyyy what are you doing” you whined “ giving you a taste of your own medicine” he chuckled. turning over you climb into his lap. You put all your weight on him “stop teasinggg i’ll give your god damn kiss tae-” His lips pressed against yours, you sighed at the feeling him tugging against your bottom lip. “is there any other girls i should worry about orrr” his hands wrapped around your waist. “ will you just shush and enjoy this moment please.” he placed his lips on yours again tongues intertwined as he rocked your hips back and forth on him..

The feeling was erotic...and somehow you never thought that all this time here you were on top of tae doing gods knows what. A tiny whine came from your lips as he pulled your hoodie off to admire your top half of your body.

“beautiful..” he whispered out and there was his boxy smile again. “god your so weird..” you giggled at him as his lips attacked your collarbone pouring down until it reach the valley of your breasts. God this image of you eyes rolled back as his hands dug into your hips to attempt to get you off. Placing one hand on your soft skin he told his mouth and kitten licked your nipple rolling it his mouth back and forth.

“tae” you whined, “come here i just want to get you off you deserve it after all.” he looked up at you gnawing on his bottom lip. Placing you off his lap and pulling you underneath the soft comfort of the blankets, he slid off your shorts. “open your mouth” he told you softly and doing so he placed two fingers in your mouth for lubricant. “sorry to ask this haha but do you want to do this?” smiling and nodding you guided his hands down to your aching core.

Sliding your underwear to the side he came back for another kiss as he lightly pushed his fingers inside. “god your so wet baby..” he huffed out. “your lucky..i- fuck” pulling his face back to you his hand movements sped up whimpering at the pace he was thrusting his fingers into you. “Tell me how it feels baby” he placed his forehead on yours.

“so good...so fucking good” eyes rolling back as the spring in your stomach was about to pop your hand locked on his wrist as you continue to tell him how good it feels. He knew you were close when your whines got a little louder and your need to kiss him so you kept quite.

“let go y/n...it’s okay baby” he murmured in your ear. with a soft whine and your muscles tightening around his fingers, arm tugging at tae hoodie sleeve you relaxed. He slid his fingers out and placed them in his mouth tasting you. “sweet here taste come here” sticking out his tongue you placed it in your mouth and twisted your tongue with his tasting the juices that came from you, it tasted sweeter maybe because of the hint of strawberry’s taehyung ate earlier.

Finally in a sleepy state you pull your pants back on and curled up against tae. “so..you wanna tell me what that was about?” he kissed the top of your head intertwining his fingers with yours. “oh about the whole feeling thing” he nodded pulling you closer. “Hm...Let’s just put it as...i know i’ve been a dick to you only because i know how you are with girls tae, i’m sorry to say this but your kind of a hoe” you chuckle out.

“well that’s a bad way to put it y/n...lucky i don’t think i remember the last guy you dated, until jk knocked him out remember?” he laughed quietly. “ Yeah yeah i know...he was an ass, but anyways back to the topic...i guess you could say i don’t find you annoying all the time.” you gaze into his eyes seeing warmth and happiness that bounced off of him.

“hey i know that plus i know you enjoy my little pick up lines” he whispered slowly closing his eyes. “ your right i do sometimes...just promise me one thing?” you divert your attention to his hand on yours. “hmm?” he hummed out. “i swear to god you find another one of your ex’s gf show up...i swear i’ll kick you out with her so no more okay?” he chuckled sleepily. “as of now my little pipsqueak your the apple of my eye and i don’t think that’ll change anytime soon okay?” nodding your head you closed your eyes and drifted into a deep sleep wondering how this whole thing would go.

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a/n: woooooo the first smutty chapter is done. and tae isn’t that bad i guess but ryujii can suck y/ns toes :) anyways lmk what you think or if you wanna be on the taglist :) ♡︎𑁍

ⓉⒶⒼⓁⒾⓈⓉ:

@hantaev @strawverryxmilktae @serendipitysev

[delicatejisung]

⏱𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀: 𝟑-𝟒 𝐏𝐌 | 𝐍𝐂𝐓 𝟐𝟒𝐡𝐫 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐘 𝐂𝐀𝐌

• time picking

— she immediately had the 3-4pm time and no one even tried stealing it from her except haechan (just for the hell of messing with her)

— but she went “yeah, no. i’m keeping it.” and hyuck’s just like “understood, have a good day” and sat back down as they all laughed

— was literally just sitting on the table hugging taeyong from behind

— “do you not want to have the time before renjun so you could spend—“ “HIS IS 1AM, DO YOU REALLY WANT US SPENDING TIME TOGETHER FROM 12 TO 2?”

— so yeah, she just giggled at everyone because they’re cute and petty

• her 24hr relay cam

— “hello~” she giggled as she waved at the camera

— she then starts panning the camera around her living room before facing the camera towards her again

— “so, like agreed before. i’ve moved to a different apartment, since our jisungie already reached adulthood.” she explained, fixing the placement of the camera on her coffee table

— “you might think it’s lonely, but it’s not! they’re always here anyways, it’s not much of a change. i just sleep here.” she explained further

— “honestly, i’ve been thinking for days on what i should be doing for this one hour. i’ve already spent.... [checks the time] 3 minutes, explaining. what should i do now?” she asked with a giggle before realizing no one would answer her

— “i would cook, but it would go to waste if i’m the only one eating and more waste if i just cook for myself...”

— in the end, she decides to bring “czennies/the camera” to her room

— “this room’s not pink anymore, i’ve changed up the color of the walls to black so it wouldn’t be too bright. i like sleeping in recently” she mumbled as she placed the cam on her vanity table

[the gist of her room]

— “even when i sleep in, dream members know the password of the door so sometimes i wake up to them already on my couch” she said with a giggle

— “they also helped me decorate, specially taeyong-hyung and jaehyun-hyung. they wouldn’t leave me alone the the first few days i lived here!” she complained before grabbing her ukulele

— “i’ve been writing songs recently, i’ll let you hear one”

[yanna’s unreleased song (it’s actually “to my youth” by bolbbalgan4)]

— “that’s... that’s all i can show you [giggles] let’s move on!”

— “i’m slowly realizing my day’s boring without the guys” she says in a pout, bringing the camera with her as she walks back to the living room

— “my dog should be here in the next few weeks, she just has some tests and vaccinations to get. i’m sure chenle will bring daegal here often when my baby gets here also.”

— “my unit is gonna turn into a dog playground. but it’s okay, they’re cute. even bella’s cute.”

— “oh! i’ll cook my favorite dish, i think i have all the ingredients.” she squealed, excitedly running towards the kitchen with the cam in her hands

— “oppa helped me with the groceries yesterday” she mumbled, purposely not mentioning who “oppa” is bc everyone knows she calles them “hyung” (yes, it’s renjun)

— excitedly shows the camera her pack of frozen raspberries and bananas

— “this way, we won’t have to add ice since the fruits themselves are frozen and my blender won’t have to work hard.” she said while nodding to herself

— “i said ‘we’ as if you guys are here”

— “i’ll make this first so i won’t be hungry while making the dish” she explained while putting blueberries, banana, milk and honey unto the blender

— “cover your ears” she whispered towards the camera before turning the blender on and giggling

— “okay!” she excitedly said when it was done and transferred it into a tall glass

— as she took a sip, the sound of the door opening and closing was clear and she immediately turned to it

— “oh, i’m making creamy shrimp curry” she said, welcoming the guest and leaving the camera in the kitchen

— after a few seconds, she entered the kitchen again and now with renjun behind her

— “introduce yourself” “hello, i’m renjun.” “why are you speaking in english?” “.... i don’t know”

— “i’ll cook, so just sit down outside.” she said as she pushed the boy towards the living room and came back to the kitchen laughing

— “no offense, but his kitchen skills are..... not his best asset. and i like cooking alone, so it’s fine if he just stays there and relaxes.” yanna explained to the camera

— she then proceeds to cooking rice before deciding to grab the ingredients for the curry

— “oh, wait.” she stops and pours the remaining smoothie unto another glass and runs outside the kitchen to probably give it to renjun

— as she comes back, she grabs red prawn from her fridge and soaks it in water before chopping up onions

— “this is pretty easy, to be honest. i don’t use carrots and potatoes, just onions.” she mumbles before caramelizing the onion with butter

— “i also use curry blocks, like this” and shows what they look like before dumping it on the pot

— she then proceeded to cook silently, focusing on frying the prawns after she put cream on the curry

— “tada!” she said after she prepared the dish in two seperate plates for her and renjun

— “mom must be so proud of me” she said with a laugh before taking a picture of it

— “i’ll leave some for jisungie, in case he messages saying he’s hungry” she mumbled before showing the camera the rest of the sauce and prawns

— she then brought the camera to the living room, placed it on the table and asked renjun to grab the plates from the kitchen

— “what are you watching?!” she asks while laughing before showing the camera what was on the tv

— it was an episode of “gakuen babysitters”

— “you’re the one watching that, i just played it. i’m too lazy to look for something else to watch.”

— “it’s cute.” she reasoned out before playing the episode and recieving her plate from renjun who sat down beside her

— she glanced at the time and saw that it was 5 minutes till 4

— “it’s almost time to say goodbye” she said with a pout before drinking from her smoothie

— “i’ll say a few words before leaving, then.” she mumbled, her mouth full of food making both her and renjun laugh

— “uhm, we’re glad to be of help to you guys during these trying times. i heard it’s worse in other countries and i’m glad that you find comfort in us, we are really happy that we provide that for you while we only try to do what we enjoy doing. always take care of yourselves and drink lots of water, that’s really important. don’t worry too much about us, worry about yourselves more!”

— she then ended the video by pushing a spoonful of rice and curry towards the camera and laughing before saying “bye bye~”

• other relay cams she appeared in

— she appeared on jisung’s, arriving with jeno and renjun

— she basically just laid on jisung’s bed with him and helped him have something to talk about before saying goodbye

— “you should tell them about your recovery, like how you feel and if you feel like you’re doing well already”

— she also appeared in taeyong’s relay cam but only through a video call

— taeyong excitedly picked up her call and smiled as she said “good morning, hyung~”

— “hyung, i have a question.” her curious tone was heard through the car and even the manager laughed at her chirpy tone so early in the morning

— it was about an outfit she needed to prepare and taeyong thought for a while before saying “the second one”

[bookworm105616]

RP STARTERS THAT JUST HIT DIFFERENT (Stolen)

“so not to be rude or anything but i’ve been coming to this cemetery at this time on this day every week for fucking years and i’ve always been alone up until now seriously what the hell”

“You accidentally broke my arm when you fell from a tree and landed on top of me.”

“Hello I’m your boss and you’re the new employee who just saw me shove an entire cupcake into my mouth.”

“I’m watching The Lion King on my phone and I’m trying to hide the fact I’m sobbing uncontrollably but you notice anyway.”

"Quick catch that cat it stole my wallet!"

I’ve never had a proper conversation with you, but I always see you at this cafe folding paper cranes and I you’re really peaking my interest

“i’m the private investigator that was hired by your ex to track you down and you totally caught me sitting outside your apartment in a rental car so hi what up“ 

you started banging at my door loudly at 3 am bc you got the wrong apartment and now i'm inviting you in for tea to bitch about the person you thought lived here

“im a bartender and you just came in here without shoes sat down and ordered a chocolate volcano and idk what the fuck that is and im scared to ask” 

“im a pizza delivery person and i just delivered a pizza to someone in the middle of a satanic ritual and they gave me their number???”

“i woke up this morning to find you sitting in my living room with a goat in a poncho??? who are you??? why is the goat wearing a poncho??? how did you get the goat in here i live on the 12th floor???”

“im a cashier and i saw you stuffing you pants full of potatoes and i would stop you but you already have 27 and i want to see how many you can fit"

“you work in the ER and it’s like 2 in the morning but i sleepwalk and i fell down the stairs and broke my leg, why r u laughing i’m literally crying in pain” 

“i work at a little market/store and u came up to the register with a candy bar but didn’t have enough money to pay for the entire thing. but don’t worry, i got you, fam” 

“we work together in a little diner and i swear to god, you are the fucking clumsiest person in the entire world, and i keep having to clean up after you whenever you drop a bunch of food and dishes or spill some drinks” 

it’s exam week and i run a coffee shop near the campus and you walked right into my glass door i’m laughing so hard oh my god

you’re a loner nerd and i’m a troublemaker and whenever our class takes trips we always end up rooming together because no one else wants to and our teacher is convinced nothing wrong will happen because it’s you stuck with me but what do they know

there’s a long ass train and we’ve been waiting for it to pass for twenty minutes and you’re leaning out of the window of your car yelling at it so i’ll make some polite conversation

waiting in a holding cell together for our friends to bail us out and you’re unexpectedly cool

we were studying across from each other in the library not acknowledging each other for hours and you passed out and fell onto my book so i’m screwed

We’re new next door neighbors whose roofs out the window are close enough to have a little patio

“Listen, I am genetically     modified and on the run and you will let me hide in your     house” 

[mynameisminhooooo]

They get to spend all of quarantine with their s/o (Monsta X)

Request : Hi!! Could you do an exo and/or Monsta x reaction to getting to spend all of quarantine with you?

Sorry I put in bullet points bc it's felt like it made more sense? Sorry if you didn't like that. I also included what y'all would do. Bc why not¿

Shownu :

Omg this precious little bear was beyond excited to spend quarantine

Like as soon as his manager said plans were cancelled until further notice he ran out of the practice room

"Y/n I'm staying with you during quarantine..."

"Oh. Aight"

Your guy's quarantine consisted of laying in bed from the moment you woke up till 4 pm

As well as making a lot of food

And taking baths bc social distancing who?

Leads to other things 34% if the time, bc why not??

And of course singing together and him teaching you how to dance to all the songs

Cooking with this dude, where do I start

100% chance of making a mess

Would knock over bowls of side dishes while trying to grab a towel to wipe his hands

Just smiled at you when the food is all over the ground

Talking to the other members over the phone during dinner so it was like you guys were all eating together

Taking food to the other members and leaving it on the doorstep

One time they came outside before he was able to run back to the car and he was convinced he was contaminated

You had to spray him with Lysol to make him feel better

Him just being a whole lil bear the whole time

You guys would go on walks when you'd feel couped up too much

Y'all would be that extremely cute ass couple during quarantine

"I'm so glad I got to spend my quarantine with you" he'd say while kissing your forehead

"I love you y/n"

"I love me too, but your cool too"

"That's not funny" cue pout

Wonho :

Would literally be so happy to spend time with you

Hasn't seen you in like 2 weeks because of his rigorous schedule

When he finally gets to you're guy's apartment he'd just drop all his stuff and run to you, wrapping you in the biggest hug

You guys would eat until you couldn't breath

Ordering take out everyday sometimes for all 3 meals

You guys would take an online art class because why not

Video chatting his family and ofc the members to make sure everyone was well and healthy

Calling his mom 3 times a day

Would be the person who stocks up on toilet paper

Disinfecting everything every morning

Singing karaoke every day after dinner

Doing workouts in the living room because you guys gained weight and he wanted to watch his gorgeous figure

You'd help him write lyrics

You guys would try to be productive and do fun things like read at least once every other day

He'd be so happy to spend time with you like omg

Would literally cry when he looked at you sometimes bc he just loves you that much

Your guy's favorite things to do was lay in bed in each other's arms

"I wish we could stay like this forever, I love you so much y/n"

"I love you too, but can you let me go I have to pee really bad"

Your guy's quarantine would honestly be so fun

Minhyuk :

Would honestly act like he didn't want to spend time with you

"I guess I'm stuck with you"

\(-_-)/

"Your so lucky to have me, huh because I bought food"

Supports every small business and buys from all of them so they'd keep going

"I'll have 3 jars of kimchi, 2 bowls of kimchi jjigae, just give me half of everything"

"Minhyuk where are we gonna put all this the fridge is full"

Gives almost all the food to his family and the members

Buys like 2,264 board games

"Hey, you wanna play Monopoly I'll let you win"

Once again \(-_-)/

Fights about the dumbest thing

"I wanted to buy boardwalk!"

Throws your character off the board

Another person who stocks up, but he bought all the ramen

Your guy's quarantine would be so unproductive honestly

Like you guys just sit around playing board games

Listening to music all day everyday

Going for walks when the sun went down

If he sees an animal on the street he is bringing it home for "safety reasons"

"Look y/n this poor pigeon was left on the street"

Did I mention \(-_-)/

"Minhyuk... It's a pigeon"

Dancing throughout the house

He broke the TV while doing a twirl

Blames it on the pigeon, who you guys have name Piggy

Trying on each others clothes

But at the end of the day he'd be so happy he could spend his quarantine with you and Piggy

"I guess your ok to spend time with..."

Kihyun :

He would be so happy to spend time with you

Would be the most precatious person

"Put on gloves y/n"

"I'm changing the channel..."

Would 10/10 spray down everything before you guys touch it

You guys baked a lot during quarantine

Burning almost everything

Would try to make jokes the whole time

They were not good...

He would try to teach you how to hit the highest notes

Him almost breaking the window

Singing together while reading

Would call every member every day to see how they were doing

You guys would try gardening together because you guys got bored

10/10 the type of dude to telling everyone to buy from small business

If he saw anyone in the street outside the window, he'd yell at them

"Get inside!"

"Do you want to die?!"

You guys would people watch

You guys tried everything possible to pass boredom

Yoga, Singing, Staring Contests

If you got sick would literally call an ambulance

"They want to know if you have a fever, are experiencing lethargy, or have a cough?"

"Kihyun I just have a stomach ache"

Would be so relieved when he just found out it was just gas

He would not let you leave the house

"I really care about you, I cant risk you getting sick"

"You do knows there is a 3% chance of death right"

"But I wouldn't be able to see you"

Wow, whatta man

Hyungwon :

He honestly would be one of those ppl who didn't take it very very serious

"You wanna go to the park?"

"We can barely leave our house to get food?!"

"Ok, loser"

Was happy to spend time with you, but he wanted to actually do things with you like go to dinner

He just wanted to spend quality time with you

You guys would just lay in each other's arms everyday watching TV

Blinds closed letting no light in

The members would call you guys because after 3 days of nothing they were worried

"Oh we're fine, we've just been eating, sleeping and watching TV"

You guys would watch watch every variety show they have been on

You guys would try dying your hair by yourselves

"Wow y/n this blue is really nice"

"Blue it was supposed to be lilac"

How???

Shopping online for everything, food, clothes, furniture

"Y/n we need a new couch I just bought one"

\(-_-)/

You guys got erasable markers and literally drew on the wall

But they did not come off...

He would be kind of sad that he couldn't take you anywhere

But being the cutie he is he'd find ways to do cute date ideas at home

Jooheon :

"Guess what I'm coming home for quarantine!!!!"

Literally couldn't wait to hold you in his arms

Would cry when he came home, because he gets to spend time with you for who knows how long

You guys just hold each other and cry

Would follow you everywhere

If you went to get the mail he'd go with, if you needed to run to the store to get food, he's right by you

"Why is the door locked??? Y/n, you alive? Did corona get you???"

"Don't break the door down! I'm taking a bath"

"Ohhh, let me in!"

This little jerk picked the lock

You guys just sat in the tub for like 3 hours talking about what you should do during quarantine

Things you would do together during quarantine include sitting in the tub for 3 hours everyday

Calling his sister every day so he could talk to his cute niece

He would teach you all his rap parts from every song he could

You guys would send the members a goodie package every week with food and toiletries

Because he worried about them

You guys would take online dance class

Because why not???

Tango, Rumba, Foxtrot, Meringue

He would enjoy every minute with you

You're guys little vacation came to a halt when he fractured his fibula after falling down the stairs

He felt bad that you had to take care of him

But he was so grateful to have you by his side to help him

"Y/n you don't have to get up I can go to the kitchen to get a fork"

Could barely get off the couch

"Just please sit hear"

"So like you wanna bang?"

"No, I want you to get better"

After he got injured he just got so sad that he couldn't do anything with you really anymore

"I love you y/n"

"I love you too"

I.M :

He already was used to seeing you basically everyday

The only difference was you guys got to stay home

You guys didn't even have to change your schedule

He was grateful that he was able to wake up to you every morning tho

"Good morning, cutie"

"Why are you so close??"

Would be so nice the entire quarantine

Need him to wash your hair, just yell for him

Need something off the top shelf

He got it covered

There would be days where you guys just laid in bed the whole day though

You had online school throughout this time

"Y/n hang out with me!¡!¡"

"I'm doing homework for my English class"

"But I'm cuter than English class"

*insert pouty face*

Would try to get in your pants every other hour

You'd let him because ofc

"No, not now Changkyunnie..."

"Yes, now... Pleaseeeeee"

All the members would worry about you because you guys were the youngest and they thought you wouldn't take this seriously

Y'all did though, you only left the house for food

"Y/n am I cute?"

"No, now go to sleep"

"But I love you and I miss you"

"I'm right next to you and it's 3 am"

Bro. Idk why but this drained me I'm gonna write the exo one different bc I literally ran out of ideas of what to do doing quarantine.

[kpopisthereasonihavenolife]

Love You Like a Tattoo

BTS

Jeon Jungkook/Reader [F]

Genre: Soft Badboy-ish AU, Fluff (Overwhelming Amounts), Drabble-ish

Words: 2.8k

~~~~~~~~~~

Summary: No one really believes in Jungkook’s girlfriend.  Living in a small town far out of the busy city of Seoul and depicted as the spectrum opposite of Jungkook himself.  He’s covered in tattoos, piercings anywhere he could get them and smokes like he doesn’t care if he loses a lung.  So, when he finds out you’ll be staying Seoul for the summer, he is insistent you stay with him.  Now, he eagerly awaits your arrival after such a long time.  

-Or-

Jungkook is fucking ready to see his favorite girl bc he’s mega-whipped. (Also rubbing in his friend’s face that she is- in fact- a real person and not some imaginary gf he made up is on his bucket-list)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Holy shit, really?!” Jungkook who was sitting in the garage with his buddies practically screamed into the phone call he was on.  His friends who sat in a small, not so even, circle around a trash bin with a fire in it silenced as they all flicked their eyes over to him.  The Spring- nearly Summer- air hit the group with a crummy blanket of moisture that the fire burned away.  The garage door open as they sat located on the edge of a suburban area of the city. 

Ashtrays of grey and white and brown cigarettes, a wide selection of brands in which each boy chose to favor. Lighters from bright yellow disposable lighters to metal Zippo’s sat snug in the pockets of each boy.  A can of beer or cola in someone’s hand at all times. 

Jungkook had excused himself from a conversation about the next piercing one of his friends- Taehyung was going to get that shifted from a conversation about trying to talk Hoseok into finally getting a tattoo.  Hoseok was shockingly the cleanest skinned boy with only a few ear-piercings to his name. He almost got a septum piercing but wussed out at the last minute. 

He moved from the corner of the garage to the outside, stepping into the moist, damp air that almost teased a rain shower later into the night.  He leaned against the outside wall, phone held to his ear with his tattoo-covered arm. Pushing anxiously at the stub pierced through his tongue with the roof of his mouth. 

“You’re serious, right?  You’re not trippin’ on me because I will literally fight you if you’re pulling some prank, girlfriend or not.” 

“Did you cry when we Skyped like a week ago because I stubbed my toe on my dresser?” 

“You kicked it so hard your toenail started bleeding!” He defended as you laughed on the other line. You, his girlfriend of 3 years laughing at him. Jungkook just huffed, a smile on his lips as he shook his head. “Okay, fine.  I won’t fight you, but I’ll throw stuff at you.  What’s soft to throw?  Flowers maybe?” 

“What a charmer,” you told him. 

“I try really hard just for you,” he snickered.  Jungkook stayed silent as you told him about your plans to travel from your small little town on the coast to Seoul for the summer.  You told your folks that since you wanted to go to the University of Seoul once you finally racked up enough money, that you wanted to test the waters of city life.  

Of course, there was still a lot you had to prepare for.  Temporary living arrangements, means of travel (you’d probably walk to take a bus everywhere), estimates of how much money you’d need to actually survive a summer in Seoul, etcetera.  You had thought about calling the cheapest hotel you could find and trying to negotiate a reasonable rate for such a long stay. 

“Just stay with me, babe,” Jungkook sighed into the phone.  “It’s just me in that apartment, I don’t mind sharing.” 

“I totally forgot you moved out of your mom’s place!” You exclaimed as he just let out a fit of small giggles.  “If you really don’t mind, could I bunk with you?  I’ll pull my weight, I promise!” 

Jungkook rolled his eyes.  “Wow, do I want my girlfriend living with me?  Hmm, that’s a toughie,” he reached into his pocket, grabbing his nearly empty pack of cigarettes with his lighter inside.  Pulling one, white toxic stick and placing it between his lips, he pushed his phone to his cheek with his shoulder as he cupped around the bud and flicked his lighter.  Waiting to make sure the wind wouldn’t snuff out the flame and it would actually light.  

Taking a drawl from it, he pushed his air out.  Watching as a puff of grey smoke wafted into the dusk air.  Sun nearly out of sight behind the identical houses as the sky threatened a navy hue with clouds scattered around like cotton balls. Breathing through his nose he sighed.  It was definitely going to rain tonight.  

You laughed sarcastically through the phone as he faintly heard your mom calling you down to eat something.  He scowled a bit, knowing how late it was at the moment and you hadn’t eaten yet.  

“Coming!” You shouted to your mom as you started talking to Jungkook again.  “I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Tell me when you’re coming into town, okay?  You can stay with me and we can work everything out after that.” 

“Okay, I will.” Jungkook could hear the smile in your voice and he wished you had Facetimed him instead of a phone call so he could see it. 

“I miss you,” he told you before you were ready to cut the call.  Him hearing you roll out of bed, abandoning your books he was sure was sprawled on your bedspread. 

“I miss you too.  I’ll see you soon though,” you reassured. 

“You better.” 

It was a few minutes later when Jungkook was walking back into the garage, taking one last drawl of his smoke as he flopped himself down into his cheap, folding-camping chair.  Snuffing out his cigarette in a glass ashtray that almost needed to be emptied, he took a can of iced soda from a small cooler at his side and chugged a good half of it. A hefty blech following. 

“Is Loverboy done talking to his girlfriend?” Hoseok teased in a mocking tone.  Jungkook rolled his eyes.  His friends were solely convinced Jungkook was fibbing about his relationship and you altogether.  Not having seen you before and being so different from him; they all called bullshit. 

Jungkook flipped a solid middle finger at his friend as he erupted in stomach laughed, kicking his knees up as he stomped.  Jungkook craned his neck back, letting it hang as he starred at the white garage ceiling. 

“Girlfriend phone call or not,” Namjoon started as he finished his second can of beer for the evening, “what was the fuss about?  You yelled then went outside?  Hiding something maybe?” His smirk on his face was so obviously screaming ‘did you go outside to talk about your fake relationship away from us?’ and it made Jungkook was to throw his stupid beer car at his head.

“I’m not hiding anything,” he hissed.  He kicked his boot covered feet up, stretching them out as his heels bounced on the concrete floor.  “Y/n was talking to me about what she’s going to do when she comes down this summer,” he casually announced with a relaxed wave of his hand.  

There were approximately 4 seconds of silence before his friends were shouting or bounding from their camping chairs or crates they sat on and rushing to his side.  Grabbing him or his chair, nearly knocking him out of it.  He braced himself, tucking his boots back under his chair to stable it as he straightened his back. 

Voices of his friends bombarding him with questions of when you’re coming, for how long, why and if they’d get to meet him.  It was only an hour later that Jungkook literally had to run to the nearest bus station to get away from his friend’s just to go home. So much for having a drunk night in the garage. 

2 weeks later and Jungkook was dressed in a too expensive Adaias white shirt, black lining the edges and black strips running down his shoulders in a trio. The shirt leaving his arms open for everyone to see his tattoo littered arms and watch strapped around his left wrist. Tucked into his black jeans that run down the thick of his thigh to the slim of his calf.  His boots hitting his shin as the short strings remained untied to accommodate for his jogging. His hair was curled and wavy  from the humidity as his bangs hit his eyes. 

He jogged his way to the train station, descending the stairs from the streets to the underground railways.  Hoping down from step to step, careful to mind his footwork before he was waving between people.  It was still early in the morning, only 8 and the crowd wasn’t completely awful yet. 

Stopping and leaning against the back wall in front of your station and out of every other person’s way, he gathered his breath.  His heartbeat in his chest, but not entirely from his run here.  He wanted time to speed up so he could see and feel you that much soon.  He pulled his phone from his (unfairly deep) jean pocket and shot you a text. 

Jungkook: I’m here. Look for a handsome tattooed stranger when you step off. 

You: I was taught never to talk to strangers. 

Jungkook chuckled at your response, shaking his head as he stuffed his phone back into his pocket.  His smile he wore not wiping away once as he grew giddier with each ticking second the giant clock above his head let pass. 

30 minutes later and he was watching your train screech to a halt.  Listening to the hydraulic-powered doors hissing open before he was scanning through the push and pull crowd of people.  

“Jungkook!” He heard you before he saw you. Though he quickly locked onto your frame, dragging a suitcase behind you, another slung around your back and wearing an impossibly brightly colored rainbow-striped shirt that tucked only into the front of your black shorts.  

He laughed as he went towards you before he was barreling into your front, knocking you back a few steps as he lifted you to your toes.  Arms under you and around your waist, he shook you around like a doll as he pushed his face into your hair.  A few older adults stopped to awe before moving on and a few even sent eye-rolls from such public affection.  

He put you back down as he kept his hands on your waist, thumbing over your shirt and smiling down at you to the point his cheeks ached.  “God, I missed you,” he murmured as he pushed his lips to your forehead.  You giggled as you started convincing him to move and actually leave the station. He agreed, but only after he grabbed your rolling suitcase in one hand and snatched your hand in his other. 

Jungkook leads you to his apartment as you both step inside. Dragging your suitcase into and up out of the entrance landing, Jungkook wheels it away as he kicks off his loose, untied boots.  You untied your own hightops- a gift from Jungkook on your birthday- as you were soon up and following after him as he took off with your suitcase hostage. 

He entered his room, flicking on the light.  You looked around. “It’s so weird not seeing it through your computer webcam.” Jungkook chuckled as he collapsed the handle to your suitcase and lifted it onto his bed before unzipping it.  You dropped your backpack as well. You stopped him before he could start digging through your stuff to help you unpack. 

“What,” he laughed.  “Afraid I might see your Hello Kitty panties?” You opened your mouth in a fake offense as you were quick you bring your ankle up, yank off your sock and throw it at him. “Hey! It’s too early for nasty sock wars!” He soon was sitting out in the hallway, waiting for your all clear to come in and actually help unpack.  He laughed as he heard you murmuring inside about how your Hello Kitty panties happened to be very cute. 

Jungkook had previously cleared out two of his dresser drawers for your unmentionables and PJs for your visit.  Also separating his closest down the middle.  Left side for him and right for you, a hanging cubby for shoes in the center for the divider. When you called for him, he went and helped you unpack your clothes, some in which he commented that he hadn’t seen before.  

You embarrassingly admitting to shopping for new clothes just before coming here to show off.  You wanted to look nice since you’d be with him for so long.  He just cooed as he kissed the top of your head.  

Makeup, shampoo, conditions, skin and hair treatments, slippers, medicine, toothbrush, hairbrush- all sorts of your things soon filled his apartment along with his.  Seeing it all, it felt so much more like home.  

It was 10 when everything was said and done and Jungkook was sat on the couch in the living room. The morning sun bright as it came through the balcony window.  You were in the kitchen, or leaving it now, with a water bottle.  The cold bottle chilling your hand as Jungkook called you. 

“Y/n,” he whined as he sat slouched.  You trotted over to him as he reached for you like a child.  “Come here,” he told you.  

“Wait a minute,” you told him with a smile as he just shook his head. He sat up quickly, grabbing around your waist and leaning back, taking you back and down with him.  Falling beside him on the couch as he pulling your legs over his lap.  Interlocking his fingers around your stomach, he leaned on your shoulder, the crown of his wavy brown hair pushing into your cheek. 

“I’ve waited long enough,” he lowly whispered.  Keeping his head tucked into your neck, he closed his eyes.  Finally able to sit and bask in the scent, warmth, and presence that is you, he was blissful.  He had missed you so much and he hated the fact that you lived so far off.  If Jungkook didn’t have such a good job here, he probably would've moved to you.  Though, you told him numerous times to stay here- stay where he knows best.  

He relaxed so completely as you traced along the tattoos crawling up his neck and disappearing down his back under his shirt. You giggled as he nuzzled into your further, moving to wrap his arms around your tighter and bring you closer.  

“You’re warm,” he murmured.  

“You are too,” you told him back, brushing your fingers into his hair and rubbing his neck.  You both sat like this for hours.  Talking about small things, sitting in silence and basking in each other until you had drifted off into a nap as Jungkook sat you against his chest to snooze.  

Occupying himself with his phone (and sneaking a few pictures of you too), he was soon being paged by Jimin at the tattoo parlor he worked at.  Sending a reminder that even if you were coming into town, he still had to work.  He had 3 tattoo appointments lined up for the afternoon, not mention what walk-in jobs they may have. 

He told him he’d be in, but that there was a 100% chance he was going to bring you along with him.  Jimin didn’t argue, waiting eagerly to meet the Jeon Jungkook’s girlfriend.  The squeaky clean sweetheart. 

He woke you up 10 past noon as you groaned and shook your head, trying to will away the bully who is trying to wake you up.  He just chuckled as he blew in your ear, making your shiver and cover it up before he was pinching your nose. 

He laughed when you opened your eyes and swatted his hand away, scowling at him and not the least bit threatening to look at.  The receiving end of what you called a glare was just utter cuteness in the eyes of your boyfriend. 

“Time to wake up, I have to go to the parlor today and you’re-” he poked your cheek- “coming with me.” 

“Okay?  Why am I coming to work with you?” 

Jungkook hummed as he pats your thigh as you moved to get off him, stretching.  “Well, two reasons.  One, I missed you.” He extended one finger before extending a second. “Two, my friend works there and he and the rest of my friends all believe you don’t exist.” 

“Excuse me?” You bit back a smile, cheeks between your molars.

“They think I made up some fake girlfriend story because I was single for so long.”  You busted out in laughter, holding your stomach as he just rolled his eyes and got up off the couch.  

“That’s ridiculous!” You cheered as you got up too, trailing after him to the door as you both slipped on your shoes.  Jungkook weaving your fingers together before leaving and keeping them together until he walked into the parlor, the bell signaling his arrival.  

The look in Jimin’s face when he saw that Jungkook really did have a girl hanging off his arm was priceless.  It wasn’t too much later he called all the guys over and you were introduced to them one by one as Jungkook’s girlfriend, Y/n. 

[bagof2780teeth]

The Story of My Crush and I

Yes, this is gonna be a very useless lesbian story about me and my crush.

No, I'm not exaggerating with uselessness. I really am that useless and that much of a clueless bottom.

So hold on tight and follow this rollercoaster of emotions (I might promise too much, but idc, just read it)

Oh, and also, I can and will advertise this as butch x femme bc she's like,,, the butch girl of your dreams and I am the emo femme.

We met because of a mutual friend (let's call her A). So A and I were online friends but luckily we only live like 1h by car or 2 by train apart so she invited me to her birthdays where I met her friends and also my crush. I think we knew right from the beginning that everyone (except for A) is gay. Same interests in music, tv shows, whatever, I get along with A's friends very well. Which is great. Obviously.

I don't know at what point I started crushing. But I knew that on the second birthday party of A I was invited to we were playing truth or dare and I got to choose who I want to kiss. I wanted to say my crush but I was too awkward so I got to kiss A herself and another of her friends. But not my crush. Later that year (it must have been the same year) A, my crush and I went to the cinema together to watch Love, Simon, it was summer. I lowkey hoped for some kind of arm/hand touching action, you know? But yeah, nothing happened, but crush and I always looked at each other when you could see some reference to panic at the disco (brendon urie our lord and saviour). That's that. About 1.5 years ago now.

I possibly had some kind of "relationship" of two weeks with a boy, I regret it. I never wanted my crush to know, bc I still wanted to have a chance. Yeaaaah, let's just not talk about it.

About one year ago, A set crush and me up on a "date" (apparently we both were complaining that we wanted a girlfriend.). I think it was around that time when I told A that I actually have a crush on my crush.

So we went to a Christmas market, we were just walking around, at some point we got chips and she was like "I'll pay" and I died a little. Yeah, that's the most "intense" it got, no holding hands or anything. Pretty disappointing, right?

I think the next time we met was my Birthday party. She and A stayed over night because of the distance so it's just less stressful. I actually was invited to her birthday party as well but my (not anymore) best friend decided to have hers on the same day so I thought since I was closer with my best friend, her party was the right decision.

Crush is literally one day younger than me, btw.

So since A's birthday is also in the same month (march, my people, it's insane) A's party was the next time we met. And again all of the other friends I already knew. At some point crush taught me some kind of dance figure (discofox) so our hands touched, wow so intense, she has very soft hands.

At some point, again, truth or dare, but it was just crush, me and one of the friends (the one I got to kiss a year prior). I had to say whom I wanted to kiss if I had to and I was like "ehhh, I don't mind, really", but obviously, I was just too insecure to say my crush's name.

A and my crush both came to see my school's musical (obviously I was in it). When they talked to me afterwards A hugged me in a way that felt like she was trying to lift me up. Since she's smaller than me I was like "are you trying to lift me up?", said it in an ironic way. My crush then said let me try and yes. She did.

A also mentioned that my crush first thought about getting flowers for me but since they had to drive for a while she didn't and I,,, did crush really think about that???

Time went by.

Crush and I only communicate via snapchat.

When I was on holiday she texted me something like "we should meet again when you're back, I miss you" and I, slight gay panic, responded probably "same" and something saying that we should meet!

And we did. We met a couple of times so I'm not really sure what happened when and first or whatever. But I think it was the first meeting (or date???) When we went to a nice roof top bar (it was summer. Summer of 2019) and again, she said she'd pay. So we sat there for a while, talking about... anything, gay things.. casually.

Later we got food (pizza. Pineapple pizza, we both love it and if that's not a sign....) and after being too awkward to ask for the bill we somehow managed to get it and the waitress placed it in the middle of the table. Why am I mentioning that?

So. Before that happened my crush said that with same sex couples it's a "thing" that whoever gets handed the bill is the top. At least in the eyes of the person handing you the bill.

Let's just say that I really have no top energy and the waitress only put it in the middle bc I already had my wallet out.

Btw. I paid. I said we'd pay together and that I'd pay. Most top energy I've ever had in my life.

Later on we were just sitting at the riverside, talking. Eventually it started to rain and we ran somewhere to not get that wet. Yeah. Funny. It really was funny.

About a week later (I got a cold bc we sat in the rain. wow), when we were snapping, she mentioned that she finally found some friends to go swimming in a lake with (it was a really warm summer week) and I was like "oh, lucky you, I don't have anyone to do that". Guess what she did? She invited me to come as well. A and some of the other friends I know were coming, so that was fine for me. Of course my dumb ass lesbian self said yes and the next day I spent two hours on a train to get there.

That was a Wednesday. On Thursday I'd have my very last oral exam in school (graduating is fun n stuff). Why's that important? Well, I made some more poor decisions that day.

When we were like.. done with swimming the plan was to drive to my crush's place to have some kind of bbq. A and I wanted to go to A's place first to shower. On the way we figured out it would be more convenient for me to head directly home because of my exam the next day and how the trains run. I texted my crush what was going on and she was like "you could sleep over at my place and go home tomorrow morning" (my exam was around 2 or so). Of course I said yes. She then asked me if I wanted to drink something specific (there is this certain brand of sparkling wine she knows i love and got it for me).

So we then spend the evening sitting in my crush's garden. I had the whole bottle of sparkling wine for myself since I was the only one liking it/not having to drive. My crush had beer, so that's fine. After all the other friends left we we're just sitting alone, outside, in the warm summer night, talking, sitting in silence (not that awkward kind). At some point she suggested to star gaze when it got dark enough. So guess what? We were lying in the grass next to each other, looking at the night sky and making up names for random star constellations. When it got cold she got us some of her jackets.

Eventually I was slightly drunk since I didn't eat much and drank the whole bottle and I maybe ended up asking her how obvious me having the crush was. Well. Let's just say that my subtweets aren't as sub as I am.

Yeah, so that was the last thing we talked about before sleeping (ofc i had to borrow some of her clothes). Awkward? Maybe. But not really, since nothing changed between us. She knew.

I think the next time we met was when we went to get new piercings together. Chaotic energy, very spontaneously. It was fun, I don't regret anything. I can't remember anything worth mentioning that happened.

So since I graduated this year my live obviously needs to go on. I'm doing a gap year, as an aupair. So I did some kind of "good bye party" with my closest friends before I left.

My crush was invited as well. So, first, she brought me a bottle of my favourite sparkling wine. Then, (I was really stressed) she told me to breath, calm down, or sit down and if I remembered it right she did make gestures that I should sit on her lap? Anyways, I didn't, I had to do something else.

At some point that day we were all sitting on the sofa, me next to my crush. She said something like "my arm hurts" and placed it around my shoulders and then said "oh look how smooth that was". Yeah, I died.

She helped me doing the dishes at like 3am and we talked about random things.. maybe some more "private" things.

A few days later she explained to me how she felt (Text. Not in person, do we look like we aren't socially awkward?). She told me that she really wanted to give me a clear answer but she really can't say if she has romantic feelings for me or not. Like she can't say yes but she also can't say no.

Unrelated to that thing I texted her and asked if I had a chance (I was prepared to get a clear no, so I could stop crushing, you know) but she told me that I do have a chance. Why are lesbians so bad in those things.

Yeah, then, I went abroad. We still snapped pics to each other. She told me (multiple times?) she'd come and visit me if she had enough money.

She on day told me that she had been to a nice veggie restaurant and said that we should go there one day (I'm vegetarian).

When I was sure that I'd come home for christmas I told her and we planned to meet. The idea was there but to actual plan what we wanted to do.

In the meantime we started to do almost daily "good night" snaps and suddenly she started to include a heart in her good night message to me. Eventually I did so too and now we almost every day send each other a picture saying goodnight with a drawn heart on it. You wouldn't do that if you knew the other person has a crush on you and you wouldn't want them to have this crush, would you?

And also she really isn't a person to use much emoticons, certainly not hearts.

So now the plan is that I come over to her place on new years eve (which is tomorrow.)

She said she'd look forward to it and I am literally dying of gay panic and excitement.

Additionally, you know those things on Twitter "@ the xth person, it's your whatever" yeah. People did that with "@ the 6th person is your new years kiss" guess who that person is for me? Literally my crush's Twitter. Eventually I did post it with a "lol" (ironically.) and she responded to it with this smirking emoji. You know which one. 😏. That one.

Yeah, that's pretty much the story. I am a gay mess. If she finds this, I'm dead. Well. Anyways, I'll have another 6-8months abroad when I go back so what could go wrong. Haha. Ha.

I'm way too lazy to check for typos and I might have not included every single detail, but you get the broad idea.

Thank you for your attention, I'm out (what a pun).

TL;DR: lesbians being the useless lesbian cliche, I still don't know if i had a chance

[transsteves]

how about some byeler/elmax headcanons about working at a summer camp?

ok ok ok so- will and mike went to this summer camp when they were kids and when they turn sixteen they’re both like this seems like a totally great idea- and mike ropes in el, because he’s highkey in love with will and can’t cope for a whole month alone with him- el ropes in max bc she’s low-key in love with her and there’s no way she’s third wheeling it for a whole month- el and mike make a deal that if everything goes south they’ll pretend to be 100% straight for each other- (that doesn’t need to happen)- they show up on the first day all nervous and excited and mike and will are standing As Far As Possible from one another (so el and max are rlly close together and max is blushing)- the first week is just safety checks and drills and training and the kids actually start on week 2- and the camp counsellors get paired off for different groups of kids- and it ~just so happens~ that mike and will get paired together and so do el and max- except mike totally engineered it all- so they’re together every day and sleep in bunk beds every night in their cabins so they’re… literally never apart from each otherbyeler:- will gets really excited about the arts and crafts bits and mike finds it ADORABLE and goes totally heart eyes- will catches him staring at one point and mike clears his throat and tries to brush it off but like, mike literally was resting his chin in his hands and straight up staring at will Not Subtly At All- then they go rock climbing the next day and will straight up refuses to do it and starts having a panic attack about it before they’ve even left the cabin- and mike instinctively grabs his hands and breathes with him to calm him down and tells will he doesn’t have to do it, he can watch from the ground and look after the kids- and guess what will is heart eyes over mike all day because he’s going up and down that rock face like nobody’s business- and at one point a kid gets scared at the top and mike goes up to guide them down and. wow. will’s. head over heels and full on applauds and woops when they get back to the ground- when they’re eating dinner with the other counsellors will is just pushing his food around his plate and isn’t really paying attention to the conversation and is kinda just glancing up every now and again bc he’s deep in thought - and mike just inches his hand closer to wills under the table till the backs of their hands are grazing each other, and eventually intertwines their fingers- and will smiles and blushes and tries to make it subtle but he’s almost glowing red, and he has to hide his face in his puffy jacket- and when they get back to their cabin will kisses mike and it’s awkward and they’re both really quiet and they stare at each other for a really long time before will just says ‘night’ and crawls into bed and hides under the covers- and mike sits on the edge of his bed underneath will’s for quite a while but he can’t think of anything to say so he just lies down and tries to go to sleep- (neither of them can sleep and they both just lay there in silence for the whole night)- and eventually mike sneaks out to go to el’s cabin so he can maybe calm down and they talk to each other for like two hours because they’re both freaking out, and mike can’t believe that will started that kiss because that’s insane, right? - and then they go back to their respective cabins- when will gets up in the morning he moves about in silence because he thinks mike doesn’t feel the same way- they go to breakfast though and mike holds wills hand under the table again- and they’re on a hike after, so they walk behind the kids to keep an eye on them all and they can talk discreetly- (except all the kids want them to get together and they’re all like, listening in and passing messages along the line about what’s happening between them)- and it’s quiet for a really long time but like half a mile in, mike elbows will in the ribs playfully and starts saying “hey, about last night…” before will cuts him off- and will starts sort of whisper-rambling about how he’s sorry and he shouldn’t have done that and it doesn’t mean anything- but then mike says he wants it to mean something and will’s heart feels like it’s gonna explode- “really?” “yeah, I… I like you. a lot.” “holy shit.” “kids, will.” “oh yeah”- they go back to being quiet after that, but will grabs mike’s hand again and both of their hearts are fluttering - (a couple of the kids are giggling and glancing back to them every now and again)- they have like a whole two and a half weeks left of the camp after that and they’re always holding hands fairly subtly but one of the kids always notices- they catch a couple of them pointing and giggling - they do the arts and crafts one day and one of the kids has drawn them in crayon holding hands and it’s adorable but they both blush like crazy- and they end up making out in the cabin one of the nights and will has to go stand outside for like an hour afterwards because holy shit- the last night all the counsellors have like a mini party after all the kids have gone home and someone has a hook up and they’re just a lil tipsy and will sits on mike’s lap the entire time and they end up drunkenly making out leant up against a tree for like 4 hours- also they’re holding hands and whispering to each other when jonathan comes to pick them up and take them home the day after and jonathan just gives will a tiny wink and a subtle thumbs up lmaoelmax:- max gets really excited when she and el are paired together and silently air grabs, and el just glares at mike because it was definitely his doing- she’s secretly really grateful though because now she gets to be right near max for nearly a whole month- when they get into their cabin max runs and jumps into the top bunk while shouting “dibs” and el just smiles and watches as she settles in- max just gets super excited about everything because she never got to go to summer camp as a kid but she secretly really wanted to and el finds it adorable how much she throws herself into everything- el’s really quiet and sort of adopts all of the quiet kids and sneaks them extra treats because the louder kids win all the games- max notices and starts making competitions that aren’t just for outright participation, like art contests and teamwork games, and el just swoons a little- honestly max is loud about most things and gets really excited about everything but when it comes to her MASSIVE CRUSH ON EL she gets really quiet and clams up- but every morning when they go to breakfast she gives el her waffles and smiles across the table and el blushes A. WHOLE. LOT.- after about two weeks el asks if she can braid max’s hair and max looks like she’s about to scream and blushes massively but dips her chin to her chest and mutters ‘I guess’- max spends all night sat on the floor of the cabin while el sits on the edge of her bed braiding max’s hair with her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration- when she’s done she pats max on the shoulder and beams with pride- and max turns around grinning and tries to thank her but the words get stuck in her throat when she sees el’s smile- and max goes super quiet again and turns back around and starts fiddling with the sleeves of her official camp counsellor sweater- and el thinks she’s done something wrong so she starts apologising and she starts really quietly but when max doesn’t seem to react she just keeps going and she starts getting worked up and gets way too personal- “—im sorry the braids are bad and i’m sorry for being so weird I just really like you and—”- she tries to keep talking but she can’t because max has turned around and wrapped her hand around els chin and pulled her into a kiss- and it’s longer than either of them expect like… a good ten seconds- and when max finally pulls away el just stares at her wideeyed and gaping and max starts panicking- and she mumbles something about leaving something in the woods, grabs her bag, and runs out of the room- and el’s stuck in this weird haze of oh my fucking god and holy shit- after a while she starts panicking because max hasn’t come back and that’s when mike knocks on the door and they go outside and sit on logs and chat for two hours about how both of their crushes have kissed them and how much they’re freaking out- when el goes back into the room max is still not back and she waits up all night panicking- max comes back in the morning and she’d just walked around all night- and she comes in with apologies and she’s got her head ducked and el gets up and rushes her and kisses her almost as soon as she opens her mouth- and max is super shocked because el’s reaction from the night before made her think she’d made a mistake- and they’re both internally screaming and their hearts are going a mile a minute- they go to breakfast hand in hand and act like they’ve been together forever - when they’re sat round the campfire on the last night max has like one beer and gets really giggly and starts peppering el with tiny kisses all over her forehead and cheeks and kisses the back of her hands all chivalrous whenever she gets the chance- max also totally gets down on one knee and asks el to go out with her at four separate points in the evening after various quantities of beer and el rolls her eyes and says yes every time- on the way home the next day they’re all piled into the back of jonathans car and mike and el fistbump each other sat bunched up in the back seat bc their new s.o.s are sat on their laps the whole way home ay

[littledonkeyburrito]

Got my hopes up that the school might actually be on fire

1. Are you going anywhere for this summer? I’ll be going back to Australia in the middle of their summer. That counts, right?

2. Do you put ketchup on top of your French fries or on the side? Neither. Not a huge fan of tomato sauce. I think chips taste just fine on their own

3. Last time you smoked weed? I think it was July. It was my last attempt to see if I could actually enjoy it. I didn’t.

4. What are you currently hearing right now? Tengo un Amor - Genitallica

5. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? The bathroom door in my apartment doesn’t actually close properly but I still close it as far as it will go even though I live alone.

6. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? Yes

7. What are you looking forward to? Having a salary again. Also seeing my friends for the first time in a year. But I am not looking forward to the price of alcohol in Australia

8. If you were kicked out of your current residence, whom would you call? A hostel.

9. Are there framed pictures from your parents wedding in your house? There are not even framed pictures of my parents’ wedding in their own houses, since they split up 17 years ago

10. Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? Their sex is irrelevant. I don’t hang out with anyone because I don’t have any friends in this country.

11. Who was the last person you cried in front of? A cinema full of people who were probably also crying

12. Would you rather live in New York City or Washington DC? New York is further from the annoying orange but tbh I’d rather not live anywhere in that country.

13. Have you ever slept on the floor with the person you like? Who is this person I like? Can you introduce me? 14. Last non-alcoholic beverage consumed? Orange juice. I haven’t drunk any alcohol since I accidentally got trashed home alone last week haha 15. What are you wearing? stripey long sleeve shirt, grey hoodie, jeans, socks 16. Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single? Are you implying that some people think it’s only okay to kiss others when you’re not single? I don’t understand.

17. Have you ever met someone who is amazing? No, all my friends are shit. Of course I have met amazing people. 18. Does someone love you? I like to think my mum does 19. Do you want any tattoos? I used to but now I don’t care so much 20. Do you have anything in your pockets right now? Phone.  21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Muji, in Japan 22. When are you going to dye your hair next? Not for a long time. I’m pretty happy with my natural hair colour these days.

23. Are you listening to music right now? Yes, currently playing is Fake My Own Death - Sum 41

24. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? A few times, but not in the last couple of years

25. Something’s wrong: FIRST guy you turn to? Depends what is wrong but probably my dad

26. What kind of booze did you last take shots of? I think it was either white rum or tequila

27. Do you wear sweaters in the Winter or hoodies, more often? Depends on where I’m going. Lately I like my stripey sweater if I’m going out and wear my hoodie at home

28. Has your school ever had a lockdown? If so, for what reason exactly? Okay so when I was in highschool I was in music class in a classroom attached to the gym which is slightly separated from the rest of the school. We were watching lord of the rings bc we were learning about film soundtracks. One girl had gone outside, walked all the way around to the bathrooms at the back of the gym and come back. It was just after she got back that one of the groundskeepers came into our class and was like “what the hell are you guys doing?? You know the whole school is on lockdown, right? Didn’t you hear the alarms? Get under your desks!”  So we were all like “um wtf??” and got under our desks and turned the movie off. We peered out the windows across to the carpark and there was a bunch of cop cars with their lights on. Turns out there was an intruder in the school with a knife and the lockdown alarms had been going off but there was no alarm attached to the gym so we didn’t hear it, especially not over lord of the rings. They installed an alarm there that same week. 

29. Do you enjoy it when your school has drills? No, it was always so boring and got my hopes up that the school might actually be on fire this time.

30. What color were the last pair of headphones/earphones you bought? I have a growing collection of white earphones but I didn’t buy any of them. I keep getting given them on planes and nightbuses.

31. Are you a confident person, or do you keep to yourself usually? These are not mutually exclusive

32. Where was the last place you vacationed to? Did you enjoy this time? I went to Paris a couple of weeks ago. It was okay but would have been better if I had people to hang out with. I’m pretty bad at travelling solo and I struggle to meet people in hostels.

33. Do you like Mexican food? What’s your favorite meal under that genre of food? Genre? lmao

34. Are you afraid of thunderstorms? I love storms and that is one thing I miss from living in the tropics/sub-tropics

35. What is keeping you warm right now? WELL IT SURE AS HELL ISN’T MY PIECE OF SHIT HEATER

36. Would you ever donate blood? If they’d let me, but the countries I’ve lived in lately don’t want it because they think I have mad cow disease.

37. Would you go 2 days without eating for $200? For only $200? Hell no. Add another zero and I might consider it.

38. What are you currently listening to? This question comes up so often but fortunately it’s always a different answer. Now playing is La Mordidita - Ricky Martin

39. When’s the last time someone made you feel like you mattered? I was talking to a friend about when I’ll be back in Aus and he asked for plenty of notice on what date it would be so he could take a couple days off work because he was really excited to see me again. That was a nice thing to hear and I’m pretty sure we’re going to get fucking smashed when we see each other again because we are each other’s party friend. My liver dreads this date but the rest of me is excited to see him again.

40. Would you say your life is on the right track right now? It’s off-roading

41. Do/Did you skip class? On days I had drum lessons I would usually skip an extra half an hour or so. One of the drum teachers I had did not give a flying fuck that I was skipping class and he would actually kinda help me with it. My lesson was supposed to be 30 minutes every week. But I would rock up toward the end of the second break and stay until home bell rang almost 2 hours later. We would just jam or sometimes I’d show up and he’d literally leave to go get lunch while I sat there playing drums instead of going to maths.

42. Do you have long eyelashes? Yes. My lower eyelashes are so long that if I were to wear mascara it would smudge onto my skin when I blink. I learned this when my mum put makeup on me as a trial run before my highschool formal.

43. Does your family make you feel supported? Yes, I have a pretty great family

44. What is the highest outdoor temperature you’ve ever had to endure?  Outdoors? It was 45 Celsius in Varanasi, India AND I was sick at that point which made it even worse. I only went out at dawn and dusk for those couple of days. But I’ve been in slightly higher temperatures in vehicles in India. On one bus my phone was in my bag and it turned itself off because it was too hot.

45. And the lowest?  When I went up the swiss alps as a kid. It was summer but up at the peak my dad says it was negative 20. Tbh that’s probably an exaggeration but it was still pretty damn cold.

46. Can you usually tell when someone has feelings for you?  Oh my god no. I am so oblivious to this. Like that time a guy was hitting on me in a restaurant in central america and it took me more than an hour to realise. People say latino guys are more direct but I still didn’t fucking notice

47. How often do you straighten your hair? I don’t think I ever have

48. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink? I had sips of beer and wine growing up but my first ever full alcohol beverage was a can of pre-mixed JD&coke. Or was it jim beam and coke? Idk. One of them.

49. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep? I have sleeping pills and I used to take them sometimes when I did shift work but they ended up making me just as drowsy the next day as if I hadn’t slept so they aren’t really worth it unless I desperately need sleep and only have a certain amount of time before I have to go somewhere.

50. Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? Female. For invasive procedures and also a woman is more likely to actually listen if I’m telling them something is wrong.

51. What was the last thing you bought? Groceries 52. What is something you do every summer? Sweat, rack up a decent electricity bill from blasting my AC, sweat some more as soon as I go outside 53. Do you have a job? I’ll be working again in February. And then I’ll be my older brother’s boss. 54. When was the last time you ate pizza? No idea. A long time ago.

55. Do you live near a beach or amusement park? Beach is about 10-15 minutes walk. But I’ve never swam there 56. Have you ever failed a final exam? Yep. I did not enjoy or do well at uni. 57. Who would you be shocked to see call you? A dead person. 58. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? I’d rather they didn’t but I don’t care that much. 59. How old is the computer you’re on? Less than 2 years but it is structurally falling apart. I have to be careful how I pick it up or adjust the screen angle because I could literally just break the whole thing apart. I just need it to last a few more months until I can afford a better one. 60. What is your blood-type? O+ the same as my mum 61. Are you donating your organs? Not currently. I’d prefer to wait until I’m not using them 62. What is one show that is canceled that you wish was still on? The Bitch in Apartment 23

63. Have you made any life altering decisions lately? To go back to Australia, I guess. But it’s more of a necessity than a choice.

64. What is the closest store to you? The cornerstore is next door to my building on the right and a bar is on the left. 65. Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? Yofo - Molotov 66. Where is the last place you applied for a job?  No idea. I applied to a lot. 67. Which continent would you most like to travel to and why? Aside from going back to Australia, the next place I go will probably be somewhere in Latin America again. There’s so much more to see there. 68. Are there a lot of tourists where you live? So goddamn many. It’s not so bad now that it’s winter but the summer was so hectic.

69. Do you have to use public transport often? Whenever I go somewhere that’s not walking distance. The metro system is really good here. 70. Does your house have an alarm? Why, you gonna try to break in? I’ll save you the effort, I have nothing of value aside from the $30USD on my shelf 71. Have you ever asked someone out on a date? Y'know I actually don’t think I have 72. Whose grave did you last visit? Oscar Wilde’s

73. How far out of your age bracket would you date? Ideally within about 5 years of me but I figure anything less than my parents’ age gap is passable (15 years)

74. Could you go a day without talking to the last person you kissed? I have gone many days without talking to him.

75. Do you like mac n cheese? It’s mediocre.

76. Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? I woke up at midday but then went back to sleep for another 2 hours.

77. Are you usually wide awake when you wake up? God no. 

78. How long have you known your first phone contact? Since May

79. Which would you rather play: guitar or drums? I can play both but I prefer drums

80. You can never drink tea again or soda. Which do you give up? I don’t drink tea anyway so that’s a pretty easy choice. Besides, I wouldn’t mix rum with tea.

81. Do you live in the past? What time travelling secret do you have that I don’t know about?

82. Do you think that black cats actually bring bad luck? the fact that I’d have just seen a cat would already be the result of good luck.

83. When’s the last time you went to a party? Absolutely no idea. A long time ago

84. Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Very much so.

85. If you got married to the last person you kissed would you be happy? Married is a bit much

86. Can you go a month without swearing? I really couldn’t. Swearing is an ingrained part of my vocabulary, thanks to working in the security industry for 3 years.

87. If you had a chance to make $200, only, by stripping for truckers on a corner, would you? Why do you all think $200 is a lot of money?

88. Would you run down the street naked if it meant earning $15,000? That’s more like it. Yes I would certainly consider it at least

89. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? A couple of pairs. Currently wearing one of them

90. Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up? Yep

91. How many pairs of Converse do you own? Three but one of them are pretty destroyed and should go in the bin.

[glumnet-blog]

via Vace

correct me if im wrong but i dont think u ever had to experience the mandatory joys of hebrew school. maybe u did i forget i dont want to make you too jealous here but  i went to hebrew school on thursdays and sundays from 7-14 years old.  hebrew school lasted for just a couple of hours but it felt excruciatingly longer than that.  hebrew school was just like going to school, on top of goin to regular, grade school during the week. that is a ratio of 2 schools to every 1 week!  only a generous masochist would send their child to 2 different schools right?   i think it was worse than regular school though, bc i simply didn't have friends there.  the only vivid encounter i remember with a peer before 5th grade was with Lucas in the second grade, whom my mom delicately tried to pair us together in order to have our conversational sparks ignite, over a luigi video game, like she was trying to start a fire in the wilderness out of uninterested rock and twig.  lucas had a 7 year old mullet and had a lot of confidence.  i didn't like either of those things.  especially the mullet shit bc i was a rat tail or die kind of 7 year old.  after my mom literally accompanied me to hebrew school for awhile and the other kids thought i had special needs, she tried the opposite approach.  she hired the UC berkeley student hebrew school teacher to come tutor me once a week for an hour. this was pretty fucking weird.  my hebrew school was pretty lax and progressive.  in retrospect i realize the institution of the temple sinai hebrew school is much more about socializing with other jewish kids and pretending to memorize the va'haf'tah (or actually memorizing it if you're hannah sternberg and like to impress the rabbi) then to actually embed the jewish youth into intense and arduous jewish centered academia.  so having hairy 21 year old Noam awkwardly sit next to me at my kitchen table and timidly correct my mispronunciations of hebrew words was all a wash if you will.  but my mom was a stubborn mom who wanted her son to carry on the 'teachings of our ancestors' a forcefully sentimental phrase that makes you feel like a melodramatic bible scholar whenever u say it out loud.  thankfully these at home sessions didn't last long because of Noam's scheduling problems.  so for the rest of the fourth grade i was free of hebrew school.  but sooner or later fifth grade rolled around and my parents threatened me with no screen time for a month if i didn't go in. no screen time was a punishment way worse than death so i relented.    

i think it was at this first day of fifth grade hebrew school that shit changed.  2 things changed specifically. 1) i made nate laugh and 2) i made julia laugh.  when i wrote earlier i didn't have any friends in hebrew school i mean like i didn't even have acquaintances.  like i lethargically walked into class, pretended to be invisible for 2 hours, hid the bathroom during break times and waited impatiently after class on the sidewalk scouring the downtown oakland avenues for the plain yet angelic white of my moms 1995 honda oddesey.  i had made people laugh before at regular school i guess .  but there was something different about making hebrew school people laugh... i had somehow broken the social engima of this institution i had distain for, for so long.  not only that... it was a different kind of laugh ... at least coming from nate. i didnt just make nate laugh i made that motherfucker crack up.  watching him laugh was like watching a firecracker go off. like i got him in trouble from the teacher he was laughing so hard and uncontrollably.  making julia laugh was different.  she didnt crack up like nate.  but her laughter was genuine nonetheless and just as euphoric. it felt like whatever i imagine heroin to be everytime i saw her begin to open her mouth and smile and vibrate her whole head because of something i had said.  within the space of 2 hours i had acquired my first hebrew school friend and first hebrew school crush.  i was a fucking social millionaire....i would call this period of time, 5th grade, the golden age.   i could make nate laugh consistently and julia was a similarly consistent vessel to validate my 5th grade ego.  i was closer with nate bc we were both boys , and julia already had a very insular and exclusive trio which was not accepting new members.  herself, hannah, and arielle (who demanded to be called ari which i always was irritated by  she was a fake ari.  her real name was arielle! she was a fraud, imposter! my full name is ari.  i am the real ari.  stupid aside)....time pushed forward and 6th grade began.  several important dynamics changed in 6th grade.  the friends of nate who went to his real, 5 day a week school (st pauls) had been assigned to our 6th grade class.  additionally, puberty was pretty vivaciously in affect and thus social hierarchies were further matured as well as a recognition of elementary sexual thoughts and feelings.  i continued to make nate laugh but i felt like my secret companion was bein taken away by his St paul friends.  in order to combat this i tried to befriend all his friends.  something i learned then and throughout my life almost never works.... attempting to pass as an insider in a group where u are and always be an outsider.   i could make nates friend laugh a little bit but they were much more fond of making each other laugh.  also because they went to school with each other nathaniel (different than my friend nate) and jackson had an air of superiority and seniorirty over me.  even in the 6th grade i think i could detect this kind of unspoken social heirachy at play.  and with julia other guys were starting to make her laugh at hebrew school.  if you want to talk about social heirarchy she was definetly the queen of our class.   as puberty progressed the less cool i became.   bc my only claim to fame socially was humor , but i didnt understand all the other shit.  like dressing cool, talking cool, walking cool., etc.   that otther shit became important in middle school if not the rest of my life... because of this, and the fact im just a fucking shmuck at the end of the day , made julia talk to me less.  and with less talking came less laughing.  nate and julia's laugh was to special to me during this time just less frequent... and therefore more rare.  so when i did get it  from them it felt all that much better.

thhere was a point there end of 5th grade start of 6th grade i looked forward to hebrew school. i looked  forward to sitting down in the creaky, plastic black chairs in room 04 and whispering to nate about how ugly our teacher was.  i looked forward to playing tic tac toe with julia in the art room instead of drawing menorahs, and arguing with her about who had the ineferior tic tac toe skills (she did i got XXX like almost everytime ok) .  i even started to like  the fucking moldy, bookish smell of the temple because i associated it with having good times with julia and nate.

in the 7th grade my connections with nate and julia fell apart uninterestingly and sharply .  my friendships were fading with nate and julia before the year even started ....but of course with 7th grade we entered mid'rasha.  mid'rasha is just hebrew school for teenagers, explained my mom on teh car  ride over to my first mid rasha class.  that may be true for my mom but for me mid rasha was a new world.  a world i did not want to reside in.  midrasha was different in many ways, it was at night, it lumped in loud, sparkly 17 year olds with unsure, gangly 13 year olds in the same room, it was a different bigger campus, it was off.  clqiues were formed immiedatly and it was obvious i was not in the st pauls group.  the group nate was in.  i didnt even see julia at all i think she was   being ultra extroverted befriending the royalty that was 17 year olds who wore sean john and listened to MGMT before it was cool ( this was 2007) .  i went to naybe 5 or 6 mid rashas but i understood the jig was up.  i was no longer a funny person in the room nevermind the funniest in the room.  the teachers were young  attractive college students who you couldnt fun of at all for being ugly.  i wasnt even in the same elective as nate anymore so i couldnt whisper ' ruby is ugly' even if i wanted to.   1 time i did have an art class with Julia.  but now as an ambitious and earnest 13 year old she tackled the assignment sincerely.  i saw her drawing these detailed portraits i thought were gross because they reeked of being  a try-hard.  i just wanted to play tic tac toe.

i stopped going to mid rasha and i didnt see nate or julia again for a while. i didnt see nate until i was a junior in HS and i took the SATs at the high school nate attended.  when we were all getting checked in i saw him at a circular lunch table with his st paul friends.  i walked by him to say hello.  we gave each other a stoic and cold ' whats up dude '  .

the next time i saw julia was at my high school school sponsored dance.  at the time i was nervous as shit bc i did not know how much i would have to dance with my then girlfirend, what kind of dance i would have to do, if i should get mad at other guys dancing with her etc.  a bunch of high school dance inspired neuroses were blossoming in my head.   i was suprised as a motherfucker when i walked into the high school lobby and saw julia sitting a dinky plastic table checking students in.   i remember my brain being blank with confusion.  i walked up to her to get checked in.  she said hi ari with a smile.  the kind of trained smile a social butterfly has deployed many a time.  it was an impersonal smile.  it was warm and cold at the same time.  i said hello took my ticket and left without any small talk or acknowledgement of our hebrew school connection.   i went on to dance with my girlfriend a little but to mostly stand around and pep talk boris into making a move on yael.

i have not  seen either of them since.  i had a dream last night i was in hebrew school in the 6th grade.  julia was sitting across the class room.  she was mad i was looking at her and mouthed for me to stop.  nate was sitting next to me like he normally did in the 5th and 6th grade.  but he wasnt trying to exchange goofy remarks with me about all the flaws of the teacher.  instead he was listening attentively.  i leaned into to whisper somthing but he waved his hand faintly.  he was not to be disturbed

in sophmore year of high school my 'mentor' relayed to me that she was getting reports from teachers that i was exhibiting disturbing and unproductive behavior. disturbing and unproduvtive behavior? i thought.   i was just tryna get motherfuckers to laugh.  i was trying to chase the high of the first time i made nate cry.  i was trying to recreate the time julia was so approving of whatever joke i had made she rubbed my leg as an appreciating gesture and said youre soooo funny.  i never was able to recreate those highs in high school.  that kind of blind temporary euphoria stayed untapped, stored in my memories of hebrew school. my mentor said it was problematic that i was so loud and disruptive in class.  she understood i liked to horse around but she argued ' thats not the real you ari.  we both know you are better than that.  the real you is working hard , studying hard, respectful of teachers and avoiding distrations in class.  this class clown act you put on isnt the real you'  

that kind of pep talk , even at the time , felt weird to me.  who are you , some distant authoratative figure i meet with twice a month , to tell me who i am and who i am not.  and much more importantly beyond that, you tell me my true identity is attached to some golden scholar who wouldnt dare partake in the low life humor of classroom banter.  everything about academia makes me ripe with disgust and disinterest.  the only reason why school has been bareable at all is the social aspect.  making people laugh

during junior year of high school i went through my first break up , i cut friends off , friends cut me off, i went to my first funeral, i had an anxiety attack in jerasulem (symbolic of my relationship with judaism....in my opinoin) i felt increasingly alienated from my wealthy and narrow minded private school brethren, started smoking weed every night before bed and so on .  my mood was bad all the time, i was tired, and the last last last thign i wanted to do was to go to school.  this i now realize is my first bouts of Depression (dun dun duuunnnn).  

it is senior year of highh school now.  the students check in for the first time with their mentors.  my mentor relays to me personal behavioral report -  teachers now view me as quiet and respectful.    teachers are somewhat cognizant of my general apathy towards what is in front of me, but complimentary of my willingness  to put my head down and do the school work given to me.  my mentor is smiling and exclaiming ' see ari you did it!  this is the real you.  this is the hard working and respectful guy i know you have always been.  you dont have time for distractions you have higher priorities now' .  i just wanted the meeting to be over so i nodded my head rapidly in agreement.  however in my mind i thought the current version of myself teachers are describing could not  be further from the real  me.  the real me is still at temple sinai room 04 sitting in those cheap, creaky black chairs.  the real me is shaking nate's arm bc i just thought of a joke about the how ugly the spoken version of hebrew sounds to a non native speaker.   the real me is singing stronger by kanye in an obnxious robotic way , parodying the chorus in order to get julia to chuckle.  the real me has not been seen for or heard from for a while.  the new me is content with surviving the day without any interaction with peers.  the new me doesnt want to be seen.  the real me is still poking julia's shoulder, waiting for her to turn her head

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

[goddess-complex]

8/29: first day back, long ass personal journal entry

my first day back at school has been amazing. i procrasstinated packing (of course:P) so i was up all night stuffing suitcases and at some point, i put on a channel called METV cause it was playing an episode of alfred hitchcocks show and ended up losing the remote and spent several hours in a sleep deprived, early AM twilight zone of packing while weird old sitcoms kept playing?? like the facts of life, and this weird show about a teacher and the donna reed show and one show about a train?? a family who runs a hotel near a train? then at like 5 am i love lucy came on, by that point, i was practically delirious. but i went shopping with my mom and got shoes and wine and hair stuff and then came home, my brother made eggs and my sister made sausage and we just ate breakfast and i said bye to everyone and left with my dad. i was feeling a liiiittle sentimental and eating my leftover frozen cookie dough custard in the car but then i knocked out while we were in NYC and woke up in CT. getting to hartford and getting back to campus was actually so nice. 

unloading the first bags, i saw the CUTEST, TINIEST LITTLE CORGI PUPPY!!!! SHE WAS SO SMALL!! the guy walking her was a fuking angel or smthn idk and i was so happy to just pet her!! two of my roommates (the two im closest friends with sarah and matt) were home when i got there and we said hi and my dad helped me unpack. then my dad took me to walgreens to pick up some stuff (i realized i forgot my toothbrush and showercap while we were ten minutes away from home) and he gave me some money and left. its always a little sad, initially, being left without all of ur family?? like you know? even if they bug you, like, you spend so much time with them thats its a little disconcerting to suddenly be 2.5 hours away in another state without any of them. and im very attached to familiarity (taurus rising, cap moon!!!) so being at home where i spent 16 years of my life is very natural and comforting to me, idk. im trying to get over it a little, bc its limiting to me, i wish i felt as comfortable in new places as i do at home, anywayyy

i really love the apartment. we only have two folding chairs for living room furniture lol but we’re going shopping soon. the kitchen is full of food and appliances already cause everyone else moved in before me. theres two full bathrooms, the upstairs on has a tub! we have SO MUCH fucking closet space its amazing. im rooming with sarah and the room has 3 decent sized windows, plus one full floor to ceiling one near my bed! its cozy and it lets in a lot of light. we’re close to the campus market and subway and not at all far from the academic buildings, its like, perfect. i half-assed unpacked a little, my other roommates, ryan and chris came back and everything was just really chill.

 so then, sarah and matt were talking about smoking and our friend liam came through because he happened to see sarah through the window. so the 4 of us grinded up liams weed and made tea and just chilled listening music. theres this big ass bag of mini chocolates that i have eaten like 7 giant handfuls of. i hit up my bud guy, and went over to get a dub (a hugeee dub) and got lost trying to find his apt lol. i stopped to say hi to my drama club friends and find out THEY ALL LIVE 2 APARTMENTS DOWN FROM ME!! its literally 3 apartments in a row thats all my friends!!! i live so close to my favorite people on campus its so cool. 

but i got back and matt had gone to bed cause they have an early class. so me sarah and liam smoked in our room. then liam left, and sarah went to bed but my OTHER friend kaia came through! she dropped out to go to a community college but she lives near the school so shes on campus a lot. and ryan and chris were up, so i poured everyone huuuge glasses of the wine i brought and ryan gave me some mac and cheese and we just hung out. i was really obviously high but like it was ok?? theres so much freedom in the village (the dorms where i live) i love it, its amazing. so kaia brought her dog lilli and it was so fun. we ended up going outside to smoke a cig and drink boujie wine spritzers i made with like, 7up and white wine (which were surprisingly good?) and ran into some of my drama friends, (different) chris and katey. so 4 of us just sat outside and chatted then MORE people came by, a DIFFERENT liam who kaia’s good friends with and his gf jackie who i know from a club we have together. and this kid andrew from rugby. so liam invited us over to his to smoke (again!!) and we went and he had flavored papers and we just chilled with his roommates and smoked in his room. so im SLUMPED at this point, remember i only slept for like 2 hrs in the car, so i go back to mine with kaia and we hang out for a bit. she has work at 6am (shes like, the captain of a row team or smthn?? but she gets paid? idek) so its like 12 or 1 and shes gonna sleep for a bit over in our living room until she has to leave. so i went to bed. it was SUCH  good first day, i just KNOW its gonna set the tone for the year!

so today is the first official day of classes and i still have to finish/ (start) registering..... i dont have a schedule yet....i figure ill do it today and start tomorrow, which is only one day late, so its not that bad right?? lol. i mean i KNOW its bad, but the consequences aren’t dire, i just have to find classes that are still open, which i registered late last time and it wasnt so hard to find open classes. thats my dirty secret of the moment lol, i have NO CLASS. so today i woke up early a little weed hungover (foggy brained ugh) and its such cool, gray weather. its almost 10 am.

i had a cup of coffee and my adderall and when im done writing this, im gonna shower and wash my hair. then i have to go around to different spots on campus to ask if they’re hiring. hopefully ill get a couple job applications. then/or before that, i have to go to housing and get my apartment keys (they were closed yesterday) then i figure ill probably come back home, hit up some of my friends i havent seen yet, and do some more unpacking/ laundry. 

around 4, im gonna take my stuff and go to starbucks for lunch and register for classes. then ill probably do some quick food shopping at the campus store. i have 1000 dining dollars for the semester so thats about $250 food budget per month, which is cool. i also have 100 dining hall swipes, but im probably gonna save those for eating with people. i feel like all the bad things about last year are gone. like, living in an apartment is so much better than a dorm. i just like living with people i actually like, know and can talk to. vs my roommate last year who got really fucking weird like 3 weeks in and we dead just stopped talking at all to each other whateverrr though, its a new year! 

after shopping im probably gonna come back, finish unpacking/ decorating/laundry and find out dates and times for club meetings and auditions cause i missed the club fair.  kaia’s coming over later bc i left my ipad in her bag, so we’ll probably do something or at least smoke. i have a really fat dub lmaoo. kaia knows so many people she just always has something going on. its gonna be a good day and a good year im optimistic, but realistic!! im gonna MAKE it a good year