#i literally just walked out and left and had a ptsd style menty b in my bed. but it was better than forcing myself thru it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

twinknote · 4 days ago

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auughhhhh i feel rly anxious and i need to get this somewhat out of my head. cw breast cancer screening

ok so i have an appt scheduled at planned parenthood tomorrow bc i found a lump under my armpit and there is history of breast cancer in both sides of my family. and first of all i need to call them tomorrow bc i forgot that when i scheduled the appt online it said they didn't accept my insurance even though i've literally been to planned parenthood before and my insurance website says they're covered? so i have to fucking call them and idek if i'm going to end up having the appt. which is stressful on its own

but also there is the factor of being TransgenderedTM and not really knowing if whatever doctor i might see will be trans-competent or if it will be a deadnaming + "girl power!!!" situation. plus just. yk. having anyone see and feel my fucking titties who i'm not fucking is like. strange and unnerving. and there is Also the factor of having sexual trauma so having anyone see and feel my fucking titties who i'm not fucking (and sometimes even who i Am fucking!!!!) is EXTRA strange and unnerving!!!! also idk if i would just be having some kind of exam or if i would be having a mammogram or if they even Have the ability to do a mammogram or if they would just be like Yup that's a lump [insert thumbs up emoji bc i'm typing this in an anxiety-fueled rage on my computer] have fun!

idk man i'm justreally really anxious abt this and it's making it worse not actually knowing if it's happening or not or if i'll have to make one billion calls around to find somewhere else to go or if i'll have to wait like 2 months to see someone back home in which case the cancer will have spread to my entire body and killed me and i also won't have insurance. basically i should just die anyway bc this all seems like way too much stress and way too complicated and maybe i should just not see a doctor about it and just simply keel over and die [insert another thumbs up emoji for good measure]

#also i just have not talked to anyone about this other than snap and i feel really scared and alone and i'm starting to cry now and i didn't #realize that it has me so freaked out. i'm really scared of the cancer part and i'm also just anticipating this appt to be really not fun #for a variety of reasons and i have to make food for thursday tomorrow and then i have to be around a bunch of family and pretend like i'm #not really scared that i have cancer likke my mom has had twice in my lifetime and my grandma died from #ok i had a good cry and peobably lost all the hydration i have been trying to muster but that's ok. it happens #i'll call in the morning and check on the insurance stuff and also ask if they even do mammograms bc if they don't i should probably just #go somewhere else altogether. save myself the time and energy and stress #and if they do both take my insurance and do mammograms then i should probably just be brave and go and remember that if it sucks #hit da bricks!! even at doctor's appts!! i did that once when i was supposed to get an xray and felt Very unsafe and triggered #i literally just walked out and left and had a ptsd style menty b in my bed. but it was better than forcing myself thru it #or i can use my big boy voice and say that i'm uncomfortable but that's hard to do. either way #if you don't have homemade boundaries (using your words) store bought is fine (literally just leaving)#if u made it this far Hi i'm making you cookies and tea and we're having a tea party <3 or coffee if u like #ventnote #cw cancer

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