#i literally have on semester left i was gonna be able to get out of college relatively debt free

[hysteria-things]

hello again !! i know you just posted my last request but i have another idea !

• SMUTTY PLSZ

• matt/chris x teacher!reader

So basically, chris/matt are in senior year or any year in college and he has a teacher(reader) who's quite young and closer to their age but is still older and knowing men, she's already very popular in their school y'know y'know?

ALSO if you're gonna make the other students be a big part of the story too or add more plot, pls don't make the girls of the school hate her. it just feels unrealistic since in our school, it's mostly the girls that simp for the hot female teacher lmao

This idea was based on their video "truth or eat" i think(i forget everything) where he was asked if he's ever had a crush on a teacher and he answered yes w no hesitation and also the song "Teacher's Pet" by Melanie Martinez but switched genders.

i just think the male being the teacher and the female being the student felt overused/overdone(?)

Only if you're comfortable w this idea tho !!

TEACHER'S PET (part one)

read part two here

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: dom!matt x teacher!reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: matt asks for extra help after class (even though he knows exactly what he’s doing)

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: SMUTTY, swearing, making out, oral (male receiving), throat fucking, p in v, unprotected sex (nuh uh!), degradation, cheating (cheat on tests, not people), hair pulling, spanking, breeding, ROUGH

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1,236

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: shoutout any of you in college i dropped out after a month i give you guys so much credit that shit’s hard😔

for @skadltmf :)

matt and his college friends sit at the round table in the food court. they’re at the home stretch of senior year with the spring semester starting tomorrow.

“i got that hot professor for one of my morning classes.” one of his friends brags. “she’s so fine.”

“who?” matt asks, and the two sitting with him stare at him like he should know this.

“professor l/n.” the other one starts. “literally everybody is obsessed with her. she’s only twenty-five; three years older than us.”

“there’s no way she doesn’t let students fuck her to get a good grade.” they both laugh, but matt stays quiet. his friends are in their conversation about you while matt thinks to himself.

he has you for a class too but at 6 PM.

you stand at the front of the class, teaching like a normal teacher should. half of the class never pays attention, anyway, but you still have to do your job.

they may not know, but you listen. you listen to what they say about you, and to be honest it boosts your ego.

one student in particular actually pays attention and takes notes, like what he’s doing right now. you couldn’t help but stare at him from time to time, and he’ll already be staring at you when you do.

you’re grading papers on your desk as your students work independently for the last fifteen minutes of class. you feel a presence, and you look up to see him there, fiddling with his worksheet.

you smile at him. “hello, matt. do you need help with something?”

“kind of. will i be able to stay after class?”

your phone lights up, and he glances at the lock screen. it’s a photo of you, your husband, and your son. “of course you can.”

he nods, going back to his seat.

the last fifteen minutes went by in a breeze, and all of the students left. except for one, of course.

you stand up and go over to the whiteboard, grabbing a marker just in case you need to explain something. “so, matt. what is it that you needed help with?”

“this question,” he says, stepping closer to you and pointing at the paper. you look at it confused because he already answered it. flawlessly.

“matt.” you chuckle. “you’ve got the problem right and showed your work perfectly. are you sure that’s the right one?”

his cheeks flush as he grabs your face, kissing you passionately. you pull away from his hold, weirdly sad that you did.

this is a first. you know the rumors that go around saying that you fuck students for an A+ but it’s not true. hell, you’ll lose your job.

he doesn’t say anything. he just stares at you, and you stare back. what you did next was a completely new person.

you go back in, his tongue inserting your mouth and swirling inside. this is so fucking wrong, but it feels so… right?

whining into the kiss, you move your hands down to his belt to unbuckle it. he chuckles, pulling away and pushing your head so you get on your knees.

he takes off his undergarments, revealing his—

your eyes widen. oh, god.

his red tip slides against your lips before you open, pushing himself into your wet mouth. “fuck.” he whispers.

grabbing onto your hair, he guides your head up and down his cock. he groans, leaning over and rutting his hips further into your mouth. your gagging fills the empty classroom, and spit starts to spill from your mouth.

it clicks in your head what you’re doing. you have a husband and child at home, for christ’s sake. you place your hands on his thighs and try to push your head back, but his grip is far too strong.

he slowly pulls out to watch his dick move past your lips, and slams back in. “take it, sweetheart. just like that.”

you keep gagging around him, your eyes becoming glassy as your mascara starts to smudge.

your lashes flutter each time he thrusts to the back of your throat before he stops. “s-shit.” he whimpers, but he doesn’t want to cum just yet. he closes his eyes to ignore the throbbing, pulling out of your sweet mouth. you cough, your lips swollen.

“bend over for me, yeah?” he smirks when you scramble to your feet. he grabs your waist, pushing your back so your stomach lays flat on your desk.

he lifts your skirt, moving your soaked underwear to the side. he wraps a finger around them and lets go, the elastic snapping against your core. you yelp at the sudden pain.

“such a slut.” he groans, inserting his tip into your folds but staying still. “letting one of your students shove his dick down your throat.”

he moves his tip out, but then puts it back in, thrusting it in and out teasingly. “bet you were thinking about this the whole lecture. i saw the way you were looking at me.”

you pathetically whine and nod. then, he grabs your hair so the upper half of your body is lifted from the wood. your hips dig into the edge of the desk as he starts entering you.

the stretch hurts, but it feels too good. your eyes flutter back, but a hand landing on your ass gets you out of your trance. he chuckles, taking the hand that’s not on your head and covering your mouth with it. “don’t be too loud, baby. don’t want the people outside that door knowing what a whore you are for me.”

he slides in deeper, a moan leaving your lips that’s muffled by his hand. he starts rutting his hips, going faster when you fit around him. “m-matt.” you gasp.

“so fucking tight around my cock.” he breathes out. your pleasurable cries and squelching of your pussy fill the room, along with his thighs slapping against your ass.

he removes his hand from your mouth, honestly forgetting that there are probably people around. all he’s focused on is pounding the daylights out of you. his teacher, mind you.

you grip the desk for support, moaning louder than any other time when his tip starts brushing against your cervix. “holy— shit.” you hoarsely scream, squeezing your eyes shut.

he lets go of your hair, your head immediately falling between your shoulders. “i’m gonna cum!” you warn, whimpering when he moves more mercilessly. both your thoughts and guts are getting scrambled at once.

“i wonder how disappointed your husband will be if he saw you like this.” he grunts and thrusts a few more times before continuing. “clenching around my dick, so badly wanting my cum inside you.”

you moan at his words. he feels so fucking good. you hate to admit it, but this is the best sex you’ve had in years.

“want me to fuck my baby inside you, you filthy whore?”

“y-yes, please,” you whine, repeating yourself over and over again.

you cum around him at the same time he stops deep, spreading your legs wider to finish inside. you moan one last time before becoming a rag doll, the bruises forming on your hips from them banging against the desk.

he moves your underwear back over your freshly bred pussy, kissing your shoulder and neck before whispering into your ear. “i’ll let you know when i need help again, professor l/n.”

𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!

@bunbunbl0gs @lexisecretaccx @thy-mission @angelic-sturniolos111 @sophssturn @mattsneezing @janiellasblog @blahbel668 @meg-sturniolo @hearts4chris @mattslolita @sturnbaby @imwetforyourmom @tillies33ssss @sturnifyed @mayhem-72 @ripmattitude @p1xieswrld @alorsxsturn @txssvx @sttzee @multiluvr @delilahprentiss @matthewsspecial @idkhowtosleep @sturniolho @suga-daddy-69 @tworosesblackthorn @luckistar-posts @gnxosblog

[narislvr]

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ Ahhh, Thank you so much for requesting and of course! ♡ Valeria would definitely be the type to tease reader saying stuff along the lines of "told you they were, demonios," but would offer her support and comfort regardless because she simply loves you that much. This may be a tad bit rushed but I hope you enjoy! <3

── p.s : I accidentally deleted the original post I was gonna use to respond to the ask thus why it's posted like this-

req by: @cerise-on-top

Your hair was damp against Valeria’s stomach as she gently combed through it with her calloused fingers. Her touch was slow and tender, leaving on your scalp a lulling sensation as you continued your rant about your day's events.

“It was ten minutes, Vale! Ten!”

You look up momentarily from where your head was resting on her lap only to find her already looking down at you with a mocking, yet loving, grin on her lips. “That’s why you don’t leave children unattended, Linda. You of all people should know that,” She taunts, poking the tip of your nose with her free hand in amusement as your eyes narrowed at her actions. Of course, she knew you weren’t at fault, but she couldnt help the lighthearted laughter that rumbled through her as you swatted her finger from your face.

"I didn't leave them unattended, I simply let them play in their centers while I finished the screening tests for the last three kids.. I didn't think that they'd be able to drop the whole paint bottle tray on the floor the one second I'm not looking up!" You groan, hands coming up to rub at your temples as you recalled the memory.

-

With holiday break only being a week away, first semester screening tests were being done to make sure that the kids were learning the things necessary before the end of the year, and so far nothing had gone wrong. Usually while you performed these mini tests, you had your TA keep an eye on the kids in the room whilst you sat with your small group in one of the corner tables, but she was out sick and you still needed to get this last group done so you were responsible for keeping track of everything at once.

You definitely had this under control.

The kids were usually relatively calm and would tend to stay in their play area's while you were busy unless they needed help with anything but that was normal. And yeah, they could be a bit loud, but it was never anything so bad that you would have to turn your attention away from your task.

You definitely this under control. you had forgotten that they had had a sweet treat for snack time only a few moments prior.

Everything was going well, perfect even, until you heard the loud sound of heavy plastic hitting the floor and the yelps and giggles from the children in the corner of the room.

-

"Of course the first thing I did was make sure everyone was okay, but Vale, the paint was everywhere! Juan had paint all over his pants and shoes and thought I was mad so he ran away and left paint all over the rest of the floor. I told the kids to just leave it while I tried to make sure Juan knew I wasn't mad, but they decided they'd try and help clean it up and really only got more paint on themselves," You sighed, carefully switching your position from resting on her lap to laying against her side, head resting against her chest as she gently wrapped her arm around your waist.

There was a light grimace on her face as she thought about your story. She already wasn't fond of kids, thinking of them as nothing more than literal demons, inconveniences, leaving chaos with everything they touched, so the thought of running behind children covered in paint only served as further deterance from ever wanting kids. "No entiendo cómo le haces, I would've been fired the moment I heard the thing fall down. Probably way before then" She mumbles, earning a small laugh from you as you look up at her and send her a playful disaproving look. She only shakes her head, a hint of a grin on her lips as she raises a brow and meets your gaze, "Que te ries, eh? We both know I would've gone off on all of them. Apenas si tengo la paciencia to deal with grown ass men, imagine me with a group of 18 chamacos. You're doing God's work, Linda."

She presses a kiss against your temple, her fingers gently tapping a lazy rhythm against your stomach as you close your eyes and smile to yourself. You knew Valeria probably had a stressful day herself, it being noticeable due to the heavy bags beneath her eyes and the way she seemed want nothing less but to close her eyes and slip into some much needed slumber, but she still made time to listen to you. Your days were nothing compared to hers, and even if she wasn't the most outwardly affectionate with words, she still never failed to let you know she cared. That you were loved, heard.

"Maybe I should bring you with me to work next time my partner doesn't come in. Would definitely make my day easier" You murmur against her chest, a cheeky tone in your tired voice as you burry yourself closer to her. You hear her scoff and you chuckle once more, not having to raise your head to know there was a look of horror on her face at your suggestion.

"Ya mejor vete a dórmir, you're talking nonsense, chula," She exhales, feign annoyance in her voice as she rests her head over yours, holding you close.

"Was just a thought. You should consider it sometime."

A moment of silence.

"Vale?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

"I know."

"You're not gonna say it back?"

"You know I love you. More than anything. Even if you do still smell like paint."

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ translations:

── Linda: "Pretty"

── No entiendo cómo le haces: "I don't know how you do it"

── Que te ries: "what are you laughing at?"

── Apenas si tengo la paciencia: "I barely have the patience"

── Chamacos: "Children"

── Ya mejor vete a dormir: "Go to sleep instead"

[thetriplets3]

hii hru?? can you do “lingering looks, they should have turned away seconds ago” from the prompt list with matt?? thank uu

started with this idea, got carried away and I have no idea if what I wrote makes any sense but enjoy and thank you for your request I loved writing this

⁵⁵⁵ change ⁵⁵⁵

Matt and I are best friends, always have been, probably always will be but he’ll never see me as anything more. I was always closer to Matt than his brothers. He was the first person I’d go to if I needed anything. Sick, upset, happy, hurt, excited, you name it Matt was first to know.

Matt has this ability to make anyone feel safe, welcomed and loved. He has such a warm gentle soul and his presence is always a comfort to me. We’re both very affectionate people, hugs, cuddling, linking arms in crowded spaces, or pats on the back in passing. I haven’t seen Matt and his brothers in about 8 months, other than FaceTime calls since I moved away for school. The semester has come to an end which means I’m back home for the summer.

Wanting to see all my friends, the boys invited me to stay at their home in LA for a few weeks. Arriving to their house I take everything around me in, almost inspecting the place. They moved here about 3 months ago but since I was away at school I haven’t been here yet. My inspection is quickly interrupted by Chris swinging the front door open and squealing my name out, before tackling me in a tight, much needed hug.

“Missed you kid” he says, ruffling my hair as I’m bending down to take my shoes off.

“You’re literally the child here, kid” I joke.

Settling all my stuff into Nick’s room, he and I head to the living room to watch a movie. I’ve made myself comfortable in the corner seat of the couch curled in a ball on my side, resisting the urge to fall asleep.

Hearing what sounded like something falling, my eyes curiously drift in the direction of the noise, stopping briefly on Nick whose clearly used to this type of thing before looking up only to be met with Matt regaining his balance. I smile, taking in his presence and energy. Our eyes meet and it feels like time has stood still. We’ve FaceTimed a bunch over the last 8 months so it’s not like I haven’t seen them at all but seeing him in person after all this time feels different. A good different.

Seeing how much he’s changed makes my heart do backflips. I was worried when I moved away that the boys and I would grow apart but they made sure to let me know it’s gonna take a lot more than me moving to lose them. They look happier, there’s a glow to them. You can tell that they’re at a good place in their life just by looking at them. Matt had this air of confidence around him that he didn’t have when I left. He seems more comfortable with himself and happy, which makes me happy. His style has definitely changed and improved since I saw him last. I’ve always loved his style and now he radiates confidence. My love for him grows seeing him in person after so long. The change of moving from where I grew up with all my friends and family around me to living alone half way across the country scared me to death. But now that I’m standing here in front of him, change doesn’t seem so scary.

“Hi sorry to interrupt this little love reunion going on but there’s a movie playing and this vibe going across the room is interfering with that so do something other than stand there please” Nick exasperates.

To appease him we breaks eye contact and Matt makes his way to me, sitting next to me. Opening his arms, inviting me in for a hug I scoot over with my blanket wrapped around me and melt into his hold. Like 2 pieces of a puzzle. Shifting to bring my knees to my chest, I rest my head on his shoulder awkwardly, not being able to fully reach it.

Sensing my discomfort he gently grabs hold of my legs pulling them to lay atop of his lap. Our eyes flicker to each other with a soft smile. Taking his hint to get comfier I rest my head between his shoulder and neck, wrapping my right arm across his body and letting the other lay in my lap. His left hand lies over my knees and the other securely around my back, his thumb mindlessly rubbing my arm.

My eyes shut for a moment taking this feeling in. This feels different than every other time we’ve cuddled. Usually it’s just a head against a shoulder, head on the chest but this feels like it’s beyond those boundaries. He’s holding me to him like he doesn’t want me to leave, the hands on my leg feels intimate, it’s like he’s trying to tell himself I’m actually here and he’s not imagining it. I’m not complaining. I’ve spent the last 8 months just dying to be back with my people, my safe place.

A tear slips from my eyes. My hand grabs a hold of his shirt, balling it in my fist. Feeling a hitch in my breathing he tightens his hold on me letting me know he’s here. He places a soft kiss on the top of my head.

“I’m here sweet girl, I’m not leaving” he whispers.

Wanting to see his face I shift my head slightly resting my cheek on his shoulder softly smiling up at him. I’ve always admired his perfect bone structure and his stubble makes him look much more mature. My favorite color lies in his eyes. My cheeks tinted pinks, watery eyes, and soft pout on my face causes a small laugh to escape his mouth.

“You’re so beautiful. You seem happier than when you moved, it suits you” his eyes scan over my face landing on my eyes “I missed you life’s not the same without you here” he continues looking at me, taking in every detail, wanting to remember this new version of me. “I love you” he says with a slight chuckle to ease the tension he might have created.

“That’s the first thing I thought when I saw you, you seem more confident and happy, still clumsy but you look at peace with where you are. All I could think about for 8 months was coming back and being here with you. The camera doesn’t do you justice” I say. The words I’ve been wanting to say for so long dance on my tongue, nervous to show themselves. “I love you”. Finally.

Hearing that makes him smile, making me smile. I can’t not smile when he does it’s irresistible. Placing a sweet kiss to my forehead, I nuzzle my head back into the crook of his neck as he holds me closer.

“I wasn’t aware I picked a romance movie, gross” Nick says with disgust and sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Change isn’t always a bad thing, it leads you to exactly what you need in life at the right time.

taglist: @antisocialties @iluvmatt @dwntwn-strnlo @fake-coolbeans @opheliaofficial07 @angelcake-222 @oneirophobic @strniolo

[h0neytalk]

Practicing the Arabic Alphabet

I honestly lucked out so much taking Arabic in college and learning basic MSA reading/writing/grammar from an excellent professor but I’m gonna compile the most useful things we did in class here to help people learning on their own (this isn’t focused on resources, just strategies, might do a separate post with worksheets and videos but they’re pretty easy to find):

Get the alphabet in front of you. We had a packet with a page for every letter with the letter written in the three positions, pronunciations, names, and lines to trace and write like 100 times. And then a page with all the diacritics. These sheets abound for free online. Make yourself an alphabet packet. Watch copious videos/listen to recordings going over the letters and how they sound. Repeat it back. Work in chunks and don’t move to the next set until you can recognize and write the current set.

Tracing! Learn to write the letters right to left and with the proper order from day one. This sounds obvious but people in my class were still drawing letters left to right as isolated shapes next to each other so idk maybe it’s not. Having nice handwriting in Arabic is both satisfying and absurdly helpful. Learn how the letters connect. Spend more time than you think is necessary on this.

Write English words and sentences phonetically using diacritics and Arabic letters. Do not worry about translation and spelling. Just make the connection between shape -> sound. Use anything you have. Lists of names, entire pages from books and magazines, texts from friends, menus. Literally anything. Work through how to make those words with the new alphabet. You will learn a surprising amount about the language and pronunciation by doing this. How do you translate sounds that don’t exist? What about multiple sounds where English only has one? Read it back with the accent.

Transcribe English phonetically. Same as above but do it without the English in front of you and just listening. Make that voice to visual connection.

Hand write word lists once you get to vocab. Then type them on your laptop and phone (if you want to be able to type in Arabic, also highly recommend a keyboard cover with the letters next to the Latin alphabet). Copy all the diacritics even though that’s not necessarily how native speakers do it. I have a notebook that looks like it belongs to lunatic toddler because it just has the same words and snippets written over and over again lmao.

Finally, transcribe Arabic. If you can use something with a transcript or captions to check your work even better! But don’t check for perfect spelling, check you used mostly the right letters and marks. You will definitely smash some words together and miss a silent or elided letter or something but try and hear the difference between ع and ا or ق and ك etc. The more sources you use the better.

We did this for one full semester of 50 minute classes 3 times a week while sprinkling in some basic vocab towards the second half. It felt like forever at the time but I never lost my ability to phonetically read and write in Arabic despite 4 years of complete non-use while living in America in an area without any significant Arabic-speaking population or language presence. It is absolutely CHISELED into my brain.

[shiftingforyeonjun]

How I Manifested $5,000 & Proof!

& how I manifested NOT to pay it back 

Things I will cover in this post

- My affirmations

- How I changed my mindset

- How I acted as if

- The sentence that changed my manifestations forever 

- How the universe tested me & how I passed

Why hello there! 

I am now going to explain how I manifested $5,000 and how I am now able to get my own apartment because of the money I manifested. 

So one morning a few months ago I was getting ready for work and doing my makeup. I felt so drained from needing to rely on my sister for a place to live and pretty much living paycheck to paycheck while working a part time job and being a student. So I looked in the mirror and said to myself “I’m gonna receive $5,000.” 

& I believed it.

And when I didn’t believe it, I forced myself to. I affirmed over and over again, “I have $5,000. I have that apartment. I am moving out. I have $5,000 in my bank account. I am rich.” Even though having $5,000 isn’t rich, I still affirmed it.  

I acted as if. I went to work and thought to myself “I don’t need this job. This job needs me. I have enough money to quit but I know they need the help and I have nothing else to do so why not?” I thought of going to work as doing them a favor and not needing to make money. Because I don’t. 

I also would think of ways I would help other people once I got the money. 

But even while doing all this, I still had the thought, “But how am I gonna get this much money?” and this next sentence is what completely changed my manifestations.

“It doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t matter where the money comes from. I am open to receiving the money in any way the universe sees fit. I was flexible. As long as it doesn’t come at the expense of someone else and does not harm anyone, I am open to any way the money comes. 

When I had a doubt, I immediately replaced the thought with “It doesn’t matter.”

But before any manifestation, the universe will test you. Sometimes it seems like you might manifest the opposite of what you want but in reality, that is progress. And I will touch on this in a second. 

So after I affirmed and acted as if, I got the notification that I have received my financial aid rewards for the fall semester. So I logged on and saw that I had a surprising amount of aid offered to me that included grants and loans. So I said “fuck it” and accepted all of it, even the loans. 

After my tuition for the semester was paid, I had $5,555 left over. I want to stress that I have NEVER had this much money offered to me before. Usually it is only around $1,000. This was insane to me. 

I can’t even make this up. It’s the angel number for me. A literal angel number telling me, “here is the money you asked for.”

But of course, there had to be a test.

Throughout this whole process, I would find money everywhere. BUT, I would never keep it for myself. I would either give it back to the person it belongs to or leave it where I found it. I wasn’t greedy and I was honest. There was one time when I found what looked like a debit card and I called the number that was on it and it turned out to be someone’s business card that they made to look like a debit card. That was embarrassing. 

But the real kicker was one day, I checked up on my refund before it got disbursed and it said $900. I freaked out because I was wondering where all the money went. I was suppose to get over $5,000 back but it only said $900?! 

But then I stopped myself and calmed down. I told myself “It’s okay. I will make do with the $900 because it is still money and I am grateful for it.” I took the $5,000 off a pedestal and became genuinely grateful for my $900. 

A few weeks later, refunds were ready to be disbursed and I got my full $5,000 straight into my bank account. 

I literally cried. 

I was so grateful to have finally gotten the money I asked for. 

Now, when I found out the money was going to come from my loans, I thought to myself “it doesn’t matter if they are loans, I won’t have to pay them back. I don’t know how but I won’t need to.”

And then Biden announces the student loan relief which I qualify for. 

The universe works in such magical and mysterious ways. The key is to trust the universe and trust the process and stay true to yourself and be honest.

*

Let my story inspire you and help you on your journey to manifesting your desires. You can manifest and have anything you want in life. 

And also, I struggled terribly with mental health issues so during all this, I would get very depressed and anxious and not once did my mental health effect my manifestations. 

Happy Manifesting!!! 

[generallysapphic]

another short and sweet +18 (riri williams x reader)

more and more ik

“riri, eyes on the fucking road, girl,” you joke as you feel your girlfriend’s hand start rubbing your thigh once more. you hear her smack her lips, squeezing your flesh under your dress, “it’s a stop light baby, damn,” and you know she being agitated because of how long it’s been since you two have had sex.

after spending the bulk of winter semester apart, you were finally together again for break but you hadn’t slept together yet at all. your period starts first, then riri inevitably comes on hers the next week. today was really the first day you two could actually do something.

you feel her play with the fabric of your dress, your eyes still on your phone, “riri! we’re literally down the street, don’t tell me you wanna fuck me that bad?” you tease and finally look up and catch her eyes; she’s looking at you like she’s mentally undressing you with her eyes and it makes you hot and she nods to your question, “yeah, i do,”

the light thankfully changes, and she pays attention to the road, smirking at your face and turning up the music and driving, moving her hand from your thigh and back in the wheel. you huff, looking around for an empty parking lot because now you’re anxious and excited to have sex too.

riri see you, “i already found one,” she admits, obviously reading your mind. you laugh, “great minds think alike, huh?” and she laughs too, making a sharp turn and, as she said, it’s an empty parking lot, one other car to the far left of you and riri parks fast. you’re already unbuckling your seat belt and so is she and you meet in the middle, right over the emergency brake and your lips crash into each other like you haven’t had her in months.

and she tastes good, just as always, you’ve kissed in her in your time together but you haven’t tasted her, felt her pulse and cum around your fingers, and the thought that you finally can, albeit in her car, still has you excited. you flick your tongue against her lips and riri opens up nice and easy, sucking right back on yours.

her hands fondle your braless chest and she’s able to maneuver your tits out if your dress, squeezing your nipples in her hand. you moan, happy to take any friction but you really need more, and riri could feel that. she pull away first, small salvia trails still connecting your mouths, and huffs, “backseat?” and you nod like she even needs to ask.

you climb back, settling with a small giggle as riri does the same and you both laugh, before finally, finally kissing properly, the music in the background fading out quickly under your hot mouths.

riri finds your thighs in her hands again and you gladly open your legs and invite her in. she fondles your clit through your underwear before pushing the fabric aside with two fingers, moving your click around your lips. you sigh against her lips, grabbing onto her wrist with your hand. you pull away once she adds more pressure to your clit, “oh, ri, baby—” and she smiles, kissing your neck and staying there, moving her own body to get a better angle of your clit. “yeah, feel good mama?” and you nod, her voice right in your ear.

she moans with you as your volume increases. you buck your hips to get more but it’s not enough. you whine, “ri, ri need more baby, more,” you sigh out and she nods leaning you both all the way back in the seat, your legs and body out stretched and it does help; once her hand finds your clit again, it’s a different and more exact pressure, one that was just right. you toss your head back, and moan loudly, “yeah, yeah, right there! uhhaaa, so good,” and riri uses her other hand to fondle your breasts, nipping dark hickies into your neck.

your thighs start shaking after a song passes, your clit beginning to pulse under her fingers and she feels it too, sighing. you use one hand to pull riri’s face closer to yours, moaning and sighing, “baby, baby, i’m gonna cum, gonna cum for you, oh fuck—!” and she nods, rubbing your clit in harder circles, adding more pressure and squeezing your nipple harder and harder until you finally cum, pussy opening up and cum leaning out on her backseat, and you sigh once it’s over.

your head is spinning as you turn around and kiss her, fumbling around to reach her cargo pants open them, kissing down her neck as she giggles. you lean all the way down, your open pussy definitely right against the window, and slide her pants down.

riri’s pussy is so gorgeous, her clit jumps under your eyes and her slick is stuck to her thighs. you moan, “all for me, ri?” and she nods, bottom lip stuck between her teeth, “all for you, mama, please..”

so sweet, your riri. you nod and lean forward, butterfly kisses are applied to her clit, your fingers slide between her lips to open her up and she groans once your two fingers enter her, thrusting slowly as your lips engulf her clit and suck.

her head tosses back, “yeah, fuck y/n just like that, baby,” and she’s so honest, her one hand coming to your curls and holding you there. you moan and suck harder, using your free hand to keep her thighs open and she allows you to do so, opening her legs more herself as her hot moans fogging up the windows.

it suddenly occurs to you that you’re out in public; anyone could walk by and see you, see riri, see how desperate and hot she is and easily she opens up for you. the thought makes you moan and the vibrations cause riri to shoot up, “fuck! hmmm, fuck fuck i’m cumming, fuck i’m cumming, shit—ahhnnnn—”

and you open up for her, widening your mouth and slowing your fingers as her pussy squeezes and opens up and she cums everywhere. riri’s always been the one to make a mess, her thick, milky cum leaks everywhere and ruins all your sheets but it’s so fucking sweet that you never mind. her juices flow down your fingers and all over your chin, all the while riri moans loud and unashamed, thighs shaking once she’s done.

you release her sensitive clit once she’s whining in the back of her throat, obviously overstimulated. you moan and take your own fingers out, bringing all the cum you can with you as her pussy pulses and squeezes. you look up at her after a moment and notice the fogged up window behind her and smile, “we should go home, yeah?” and she opens her fucked out eyes and nods, drawing you up for a kiss that you happily accept.

riri my love you will be destroyed in this upcoming story i’m so excited 🤭🤭

hope y’all enjoyed heheh

[atxxzist]

broken | c.s (08)

prev // next // series m.list

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 7.7k

warning: i don't want to spoil the contents so pls go in with a guarded mind and stop reading immediately if anything makes you uncomfortable!!!

"lotte world! oh, and, we can finally visit cheonggyecheon!" mingi preaches excitedly from the other line, adding onto the ongoing list of never-ending things to do for the summer.

"yeah yeah, that sounds fun," you mumble, voice coming off disinterested because you've been circulating the small space of your room for the last five minutes looking for the only hair tie you have left.

you swear you had put it next to the nightstand.

"are you like not excited? we're gonna be free bitches for an entire summer!" his tone filled with disbelief, a scoff that accompanies it after.

"no, no. i am. just--ah!" you find the last survivor of the collection of hair ties on the floor just right next to your bed, picking it up to twirl it around your finger.

"are you literally having this conversation with me mid-orgasm?"

"pfft!" you blow, standing up on your toes to grab the comb on the bed before walking to the mirror on yuna's side of the room that has really come in handy. "i was looking for a hair tie to do my hair."

"oh, and what for? on this weekend after the semester ended and you have no work for the entire summer, huh?" his irritating and nosy voice vibrates the sheet of your bed where your phone is also at, you having to roll your eyes at the remark.

"so i can come up to your room and beat the living shit out of you for always sticking your nose in my business."

"ooohh!" he sings with exaggerated fear. "is this your way of saying you're gonna get laid tonight? a little end of the semester celebration? has the city finally changed you?"

"no," you answer, snapping your hair into a half ponytail before walking over to pick up your phone. "i'm gonna visit the cafe like a peasant. now before you make me late, create a google doc or something and i'll add to the list when i have something."

"fine. but we're doing it in comic sans, color-coded!"

you roll your eyes, muttering a "whatever" before cutting the line.

you catch yourself in yuna's mirror again after turning, and you honestly don't know why you're all this dressed up either. you've been to the place plenty of times before and you've definitely been there with yeosang as well.

the amount of coincidences still following you allowed for a run-in with him just the day before, having told him with eager lips about the exam score you got, later with an anticipated gaze about how this is going to work.

you suppose the cafe being the place of choice isn't a surprise.

he gets there before you, his hand that raises slightly when he sees you enter. it's a smaller table located in the center, and you begin making way to it, your sneakers gliding against the flooring.

"hey," you both exchange as you take the seat across him, a short lapse of silence after that is broken by him.

"want to order something?" he asks, eyes boring into yours.

"sure." you nod.

after picking your drinks and food of choice, yeosang offering to go up to the register, the silence reenters when he takes his seat. your gaze that tries to avoid his and his that tries to stir away from keeping them trained on you too long. he thinks you look nice.

in the half ponytail, white crop top tucked under a pink cardigan and sneakers with socks. he don't think he's ever seen in a skirt before, but it suits you. and if that's makeup you have on, he's not sure he's able to tell. you look about the same.

"so..." he starts again.

you shyly look up at him, clearing your throat before replying with the same aloofness of "so..." a quick second of nothing before you two burst into laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation, your leg lightly brushing his under the table.

"sorry," he mumbles, a smile on his face.

"me too," you say, "just... still trying to get used to it."

still trying to get used to the new feeling when you're around him; one that's not so hostile but actually very welcoming and new--one you haven't gotten from anyone else but mingi and yunho.

he chuckles lightly and nod, the feeling being very much mutual after all.

"well, i'm glad you passed," he brings up, digging for anything to talk about and break the tension a little.

"yeah. it wasn't easy."

"but you did it. maybe you really do have it in you." his tone very lighthearted.

you brush it off with a scoff.

"not really. i just couldn't wait to be done with the damn semester so i'll never have to attend another session of that class."

he laughs a deep chuckle and you have to dismiss how smooth it sounds to ears; how comforting and familiar it's starting to become.

"geez, only first semester and you're already getting beat down? come on, you still have a semester and three more years."

"gosh, don't even remind me." you cross your arms and fall back onto the chair, yeosang releasing another laughter at the pure distaste in your voice at the topic.

"you don't look and sound like you enjoy the major very much. why not change it?"

something in you light up at that. change your major? you actually haven't thought of that, but the more the idea lingers, the more you question why you haven't thought of that.

it's a lesson learned that just because you're a little more techy than your friends since your parents practically neglected you (so you had to seek out any other source of entertainment), it doesn't mean you were destined to work in the field of technology or whatever. simply only having basic surface knowledge won't cut it.

it took a semester (maybe less) for you to come to terms with that. but better now than later.

"well, even if i change it, i wouldn't even know what to."

"you can always just take the core classes first and then decide after."

you hum out a low note and actually consider the possibility for a few seconds, until the person behind the counter calls yeosang's name and you're interrupted, watching as he stands to head to the front, you being slow to get up and follow behind him in case he needs help.

the entirety of you being here the past couple of months and you honestly didn't even know they served other smaller dishes like tteokbokki and even snacks you'd usually find at street food stalls.

but it's nice. just like this. you and yeosang sharing a drink and snack while carrying on small conversations that gets easier as the time pass. there's no pressure to please or entertain him, and he doesn't seem like he expects any. like he's doing all of this because he wants to, and you can't help but to let a small drop of tear prick your lower lash in hope he won't notice.

because you're not very used to anyone besides your friends, let alone a guy, who does something for you if not for his own benefit. you made that mistake not once, but twice.

not sure if you're even deserving of someone like yeosang who's been the victim of your lows and outbursts, but now the one to conjure up a rare, foreign feeling that brings out a small smile that settles on your lips.

yeosang sees the somewhat conflicted, hard-to-read expression on your face when he looks up from his food, asking in a quiet, concerned voice, "you okay?"

you chuckle lowly, a light clog in your throat and nod.

"i'm good."

~

"so, earlier, you mentioned possibly opting out of the current major but having no idea what you want to do after," yeosang is the first to speak as soon as you both leave the place, the orange tone painting the sky once again.

"yeah..." you reply.

"maybe think about other hobbies, or well... what do you like to do? what are you good at?"

you ponder the question; think back to your early teen years spent helping your aunt around the house, getting dragged into mingi's and yunho's shenanigans, play stupid pranks on one another and beat them at the occasional games when you paid mingi visits--and wow, what the fuck do you even like to do? what are you good at?

you don't even excel at anything specific, too, like yuna in art, or yeosang with computers. it's awful, the sinking realization that you are nothing special.

"i write? a little bit?" you answer, not the slightest confident in the answer. because who are you kidding. you're no hongjoong and you can barely even string a coherent sentence together.

you're not even consistent, unable to recall the last time you wrote in the journal, and it was started for all the wrong reasons.

yeosang nod, the both of your footsteps in sync.

"you can start there, then," he attempts, able to read the tone about just how unsure you are.

the air goes hushed and you fidget a little in spot before raising your voice again. "i don't know. i don't even think i'm good at it, and it's only been recent that i started writing. plus, it's not even like a story or whatever. i only write in a journal and honestly, i'm not even sure what the hell i've been writing."

he snickers, finding something so amusing about it. you shoot daggers at him.

"what?"

"you said you only started recently so of course you're not gonna be great. it takes time and efforts to perfect a craft. if you like it, there's no reason for you to not consider it at least."

he continues, "take the next semester or even year to think about it. i'm sure you'll figure something out."

you scoff, even pout. that still takes time, too--kang yeosang actually sounding reasonable and like he doesn't hate your guts.

"i think i like it better when you just insult me and go on your day."

he laughs and shakes his head, your gaze lingering on the curve of his lips longer than you should. you think he has a really nice pretty smile.

"but we're way past that point now, right?" his voice raising in pitch as to exaggerate the overall friendliness.

"right," you reply, same energy and all, until it hits you again. "oh!"

he seems taken aback by the high volume and snaps to you, curiosity in his reaction.

"that thing we agreed on," you say, a little too excited for your own good, yeosang's chest deflating with disappointment in return that puts a frown on your lips.

"oh come now, you weren't hoping i would forget?"

he shrugs and keep his gaze ahead, muttering back in such a nonchalant tone, "that might've been the idea."

you frown even more, whipping your head around and letting yeosang take the next couple of steps by himself before attention landing on the bench facing the street just a few feet away.

you're fast to jog up and swoop him away by the arm, using it to drag his entire body until it plops down onto the bench with you, his doe eyes staring back, and it's only until then that you realize you're still holding on.

"sorry," you mumble, releasing the captive arm as it slips down to hit the empty space between you two.

"you're good," he assures, and even that sounds awkward, too. a short silence that hangs before you clear your throat and revert the topic back, even daring to scoot yourself a little closer. since you guys are kind of friends now, right?

"what i was saying was... are you ready to tell me now?"

he turns the other way to scoff. "oh, you really want to know, huh?"

"well..." you trail off your tongue, letting the word roll around long enough till continuing on, "you kind of promised me."

"well..." he mimics the way you did it, "technically--"

"--oh," you cut in, your voice full of that playfulness that is strange in the presence of yeosang. "or are you a coward?"

"tsk!" he dismiss, trying to bite back a snicker that wants out because you're being a bit over-the-top right now... in a somewhat endearing way, that is. so eager to hear about his story that he kind of loosely pledged to tell only after you fulfill the 'deal'.

not that he ever doubted you would do well; he just didn't think you'd actually be so passionate about the entire bargain, it even being the first thing to be brought up when he ran into you outside the dorm building.

"me? coward? never," he brushes off, a smug but lighthearted act that brings a giggle from you.

"okay, then... tell me." you perk up, lips curled and eyes blinking his direction, way too thrilled for this.

his gaze drop to your lips for a second and he has to detach immediately, shaking the thought off.

"it's just... i don't know." he tries laughing it off. "you're going to think it's stupid."

you squint, tilting your head and frowning.

"why would it be stupid? i mean, i'm not sure what it's gonna be about, but i'll listen. whether you think it's stupid or not."

but judging from how he's acting, it looks like it might be something more personal than you initially thought; now starting to feel the tiniest bit of guilt for bothering him so much about it.

“maybe we can compromise with something else,” you offer an alternative but he rejects with a shake of his head.

"i'll tell you. just--you don't make fun of me or anything."

you chuckle. "i won't."

it goes quiet as yeosang prep himself up and try to muster how to start such a tragic tale. he thinks it's tragic, at least on his end. he's never shared it with anyone before; only those who were once close to him knew.

and for some reason, he feels an odd sense of trust in you. enough for you to be the first person that he's considered actually opening up to, regarding the topic.

"well," he starts, your full attention already on the first word. "i grew up in a small neighborhood; everyone knowing everyone kind of thing."

you nod, even humming quietly to let him know he's good to go on.

"so you know, like... there wasn't a lot of other kids my age and it was hard to make friends. but a girl, a year older than me... we became friends or something, you could say."

and if the way your eyes swell doesn't give away how immersed you already are, you don't know what will. because you hadn't expect kang yeosang's 'sob story' as he said it, would be about a girl.

"and this is going to be cliche as hell, but indeed i was in love with her. for the longest time."

he has removed his gaze from yours a long time ago, settling to watch the busy cars maneuvering through the streets instead. as if the retelling of this story is something to be embarrassed of. but you would beg to differ.

"i grew up with her, went through a ton of shit with her--meaning i also watched her fall in love with so many guys. maybe it wasn't love, i don't fucking know. we were young and stupid. but i sure hell did wanted to be one of them."

he takes a short breather before going on, "and it came true. i was one of them. well, or i thought i was. beginning of my junior year, she, for some reason, finally gave me a chance. oh... i was so happy... the day we became 'official'. i can't even recall any other time i was happier."

"and it's stupid because, thinking back, it was obvious she only did it out of pity. and maybe that's not a good enough reason to hate her; heck, i even started feeling bad for a moment just thinking back because i was such a fucking simp and probably annoyed the living hell out of her. but what i do hate her for, is for completely ghosting me."

"i could give less shit about the fact that i only found out she broke up with me through a mutual, or that only a month after, she started going out with a friend who'd always talk the maddest shit about her and why we shouldn't be together. no. it's the fact i never got any closure. paid her family a visit and was told she left for seoul literally the day before. no notice. no nothing. not even a 'fuck you, don't you ever come into my life again'. and maybe i don't deserve a closure, i wasn't much better by any means. but i sure can be bitter about it, and i guess here's me being bitter."

he finally turns to you, taking in your expression and feeling like he has to clarify some points.

"i didn't come to seoul in hope of sweeping her by her feet again or whatever. i just wanted to get away from the old city and kind of just... i don't know, try to find myself?"

you nod in acknowledgement. "no, i totally understand. i'm sorry to hear, though. but it really does sound like she had a big impact on you."

yeosang chuckles dryly in return; a smaller, somewhat sad smile gracing his lips after.

"i wish i could say you're wrong, and i wish i would mean it when i say i hate her. but like i said before, i can't recall any other time i was happier. in some ways, she made me a better person. it's complicated. i feel like i'm contradicting myself at this point."

your snicker directed at the last comment, assuring him with a shake of your head.

"you're good. but honestly, i never would've pegged you for someone romantic."

a scoff is what leaves him; you raising a brow in turn of what he's going to say.

"i'm not romantic. just realistic, i think. if i were to open my heart to someone, i'd want them to treasure it; to do the same back. which is why i am a lot more wary nowadays. i'd want to get to know that person really well first."

but you definitely still think he's a little bit of a romantic, he might not even realize it.

"because there's a different kind of pain that comes from loving someone who's out of your reach."

the amusement on you drops, the corners of your mouth falling downward at such a statement that if you mope about it long enough, you will see just how awfully relatable it is. but clasping it shut for a few seconds too long, all you say is, "fair enough."

"yeah... but anyways. that's my story. now it's your turn."

you glare at him through the pinched brows and wrinkles on your forehead.

"i don't remember that being apart of the deal."

"oh, forget the deal!" he waves off. "let's just talk. give me something tragic."

tragic? where would you even start with that? you think the entirety of your life has been a series of unfortunate, tragic events one after another; beginning with your parents, then your aunt and uncle, your ex-boyfriend, and now even a boy who managed to fool you with his charm and handsome look.

"my first and only boyfriend cheated on me."

yeosang is taken by surprise, his facial like a deer caught in headlight, whether at how fast you answered, or at what you just said. but you just figured, you might as well offer your own tale of a failed relationship, if that will make him feel any better.

"oh..." his delivery is muted, as if still trying to recover from shock, you have to laugh off the stone expression on his face; act like the revealed fact didn't bother you all that much.

you speak again, "i wasn't in love with him, though. i don't think i was. i only gave him a chance because he liked me and i felt compelled to say yes when he asked me out."

"so... you did it out of pity?"

it's like he got you there, your attention batting to the streets in shame. you're starting to sound like the girl in yeosang's story; who, maybe, went out with a boy not because she liked him, but for another reason.

except, in your story, he was the one who had hurt you. said in your face you deserved whatever happened, and though you didn't love him, it did hurt. it still hurts. because it was another person you couldn't get to stay; another proof that possibly, you're just not meant to be loved.

"you know..." instead of answering his previous question, you divert the subject, because at the same time, maybe you can comfort him as well with what you're about to say. "you reminded me of him a lot at first."

his features twist, not amused in the slightest, and you don't blame him. why wouldn't he be offended being compared to your cheating ex?

"he was very blunt and sarcastic," you add on, "if he didn't like me doing something, he was gonna let me know. and you were just... you didn't have any filter at all."

whether it's guilt or embarrassment on yeosang's face, you're not able to tell. but implying he's an asshole is not your intention.

"but the more i got to know you and spent time with you, i realized i was very wrong. you're nothing like him. not even in the slightest."

he goes from being puzzled to the smallest of light that starts reflecting in his eyes at the genuine compliment that leaves you.

"i questioned for the longest time how mingi and yunho could ever like you, but i'm starting to get it now, i think. it's because you're a great friend. you do so many things for yunho simply just because he's a friend."

you don't even notice a smile has crept to your lips, but yeosang catches it and return an even bigger one, his heart folding in a way that is so pure and innocent because of your gesture.

"well, thanks. i am feeling very flattered right now," he finally says, and your giggle echoes faintly.

"just being honest," you respond. "so that's my lesson learned: that it's hard to judge someone based on first encounter, impression, or anything of that matter."

because the boy who you thought would be the bane of your existence turned out to be a wonderful surprise. on the other hand, the one person you used to look at through a rose-coloured glass and with heart eyes, turned out to be just one of the many things on the list that keep you awake at night thinking to yourself why you're not enough.

san is sprawled on the couch, tired and ready to go to bed by the time there's a knock at his door, a bit dazed when he opens it to reveal a rather composed wooyoung with his hands buried inside the pockets of his jacket.

he wonders what his friend's doing here; at this time and in an outfit that doesn't look like it's for a regular event.

"here to use the bathroom," wooyoung clarifies, inviting himself in and not bothering to hear san's response considering the amount of times the boy himself used wooyoung's place to fulfill his own needs.

san doesn't say anything and only shut the door behind him, heading back to the position he was in before.

"we're going out tonight," wooyoung announces, stopping in front of the bathroom to turn to his friend; san snapping to him at the call. "an end of the semester nightout with a couple other people from campus. you thinking of coming along?"

"nah. think i'll sit this one out."

"alright," wooyoung mumble, disappearing into the other room.

san usually isn't one to reject an invitation like that, but just yesterday, the day before, and the days before that one, all he'd been doing is going to parties, getting drunk, and doing the one thing he came to those parties for.

it can start getting repetitive; even for someone like him.

"just to let you know, you're almost out of toilet papers."

wooyoung slams the door shut and begins making way to the front; san watching his movements carefully until wooyoung just stops midway, but he's already moving back to the tv screen at that point.

wooyoung debates for a moment whether he should tell san what he saw earlier. it's probably a bad idea knowing how his friend is and the extent he goes to when he has to have something, or when it doesn't go his way.

but realistically speaking, san's never gave a shit about any of the girls he messed or messes with. wooyoung picked that up through a lengthy history of constantly trying to rile him up by name dropping and mentioning any of the girls san saw and sees, in hope of one day finding a weak spot.

because san is a good friend... to wooyoung. but he's always had a problem with the way san views the world; love, relationship, women.

he also has a problem with the fact san never listens to him. everything in one ear and out the other. he didn't listen when wooyoung told him the girl he was fucking had a boyfriend and he was gonna get his ass beat (which he didn't, unfortunately, because san has a gift for getting out of trouble), so there's a very big chance he didn't listen either when wooyoung told him to leave you alone.

and really, above all, wooyoung is just petty. and because he is petty, he will take the opportunity to just annoy him, even if san doesn't give a shit.

"by the way, i saw y/n," he discloses nonchalantly, and the speed at which san twisted his neck to look at him would have wooyoung believing this is all a very vivid dream.

"where?" san asks, the tone very standard at first like it's just the littlest bit curious.

"near the cafe a couple blocks from the dorms. we passed it earlier. she was with someone. yeosang? i think that's his name."

the clockwork in san's mind starts as he tries to recall who this fucking yeosang guy is. name sounds familiar but nothing's clicking.

"the one we went out to dinner with last time," wooyoung adds, and that's when the light bulb goes off.

“sit down, sit down!” wooyoung hustles, pushing san down onto the seat, yeosang scooting to the wall to make space.

wooyoung plops himself down at the end, fidgeting in his spot.

“this is yeosang,” he starts; the two boys next to each other exchanging a small head bow.

"i think they might be a thing now. she looked really happy."

wooyoung's talking out of his ass, saying whatever just for the heck of it. you for sure looked happy, though. you conversed with yeosang with a smile on your face the entire time.

you guys being a 'thing' might be a bit over-the-top but it doesn't hurt anyone to exaggerate a little. san never cared so why would he now?

but wooyoung doesn't take notice of the way san's body tenses up and his grip on the arm of the couch gets tighter, wooyoung's mind completely elsewhere, focus on getting out now that he's done all he wanted to do.

"alright, well, i'm gonna head out now before i piss the other guys off."

and he's gone, leaving san to digest the new information as something churns in his stomach and his knuckles clenches. because now, it's starting to make sense.

the sudden silence from you and the unanswered message. you never even read his text from two days ago. it's all because you're too busy with yeosang.

he can still recall the small and subtle glances you guys would sometime exchange during dinner; the way your eyes would shoot to him, and he would try to cover the hidden laughter that wanted out because you did something endearing.

and san typically doesn't mull over the girls he hooks up with; who they slept with before or will sleep with after him. because most of them know what they're getting into. they don't expect anything from him after and he doesn't expect anything from them, either.

but over the course of seeing you, he's taken a rather big liking to you above any others. because out of all his conquests, you're the one who's always willing to go above and beyond for him.

you have feelings for him that are more than just simply fulfilling a need--you actually like him.

and in typical san fashion, because he's selfish, he uses that knowledge to hang over your head, knowing whatever he does, you're going to put up with it.

so how is he suppose to feel now, that you of all people is ignoring him, with someone else right by your doorstep ready to take his place.

well, it definitely doesn't feel good.

a fit of rage, jealousy, and possessiveness overtakes him completely, and before he knows it, he's up and with his car keys dangling around his finger. he has to talk to you.

even if he's on the verge of passing out right now and tired out of his mind. even if paying you a visit is quite possibly going to be the worst thing he can ever do to you.

"wait, so with that being established, could that mean you were being cautious around me because you were afraid of falling for me?" you tease yeosang through the elevator ride.

the chemistry has been so natural, the rest of the night spent in comfortable conversations that were full of sparks, and you have never felt so safe in the presence of anyone before.

he snickers. "oh would you let it go. i told you that like... an hour ago."

you return a giggle of your own, yeosang continuing on, "but i might've been a bit of an asshole to a couple other girls. maybe."

you roll your eyes playfully, at the same time stepping out of the elevator when the door open, about to make another remark when you catch a figure from the corner of your eye. standing in front of your room, head down and attention glued to his phone screen.

he finally looks up at the sound of the commotion, and you merely gasp in place when that familiar feeling of butterflies swoop your stomach at the sight of none other than san.

what the hell is he doing here? again.

you and yeosang are frozen in place, his questioning gaze lasering san's that stiffens upon seeing yeosang by your side, looking so in place and comfortable; that fit of rage, jealousy, and possessiveness making a comeback with even more vengeance.

silence consumes the thick air, you breaking it by shifting just enough so you're able to whisper to yeosang; thank him for making sure you arrive safely, and that he's good to return.

yeosang shoots san one last glance, the boy giving him all kinds of wrong signs, but it's also not his place to meddle. he nods and tells you a goodnight, shuffling his feet back into the elevator and you watch until the door closes on him.

now, it's just you and the person who has given you nothing but pain, showing up once again when you experience even an ounce of joy.

you walk to the door of your room with careful steps, stopping in front of him, everything about your body language is nervous and in defense mode, thinking that this is it.

this is where you cut off everything with him; the kisses, sex, months of being in each other's arms--this is where it will all end. you will tell him you no longer want anything to do with him because you can't agree to his conditions.

you're not made for a casual relationship without any budding feelings. it's just not who you are; therefore, you and him are not compatible.

"hey..." he's the one to start speaking, "i'm sorry i haven't been reaching out, i was--"

"--it's fine," you cut, not wanting to hear any more lies from him. the fact he doesn't even recall showing up drunk is enough to convince you there's no need to hear him out at all.

"oh," he simply says, and it's the most awkward silence after of you just standing there and he thinking of what else to say.

"i know you're probably upset, but--"

"--it's fine, san. i-i don't care anymore."

anymore. san thinks over the word more than he should, and the longer he lingers on it, the more he find himself hating everything about your tone and attitude.

but he's always been quite shameless, always testing the situation even if he feels a shitstorm coming.

"can i come in? for a little bit?"

come in. you know what that means, and how it will always end. you'll like to believe you're way past that now.

with a heavy sigh and striving a few steps forward, you pull out your key.

"i'm really tired." you unlock the frame, pushing it just slightly open. "i think it's best if you leave." your palms against it, slowly creeping yourself in; your voice unwelcoming because you're hoping he will get the hint and leave you the heck alone.

"and... i-i don't think we should see each other again after--"

your breath is whisked away, it all happening so fast. one second you were still in the hallway and the next, you're pushed into the room along with san shoving himself in, his grip around both your wrists and backing you into the wall.

"--all because of that fucking guy, right?" he taunts, a look on him so terrifying, you have never seen san angry like this before.

"what are you talking about?" you push him back by his chest, honestly amazed at the amount of sheer strength you hold when being cornered.

but that just might've been a mistake; he's able to catch his steps before stumbling completely and pins both his hands to the wall with a bang, trapping you inbetween his arms and hungry gaze.

you flinch a little.

"yeosang. the one that came with you. are you seeing him?"

your eyes squint--perplexed, only able to think, what about yeosang? and why of all times, now is when he's deciding to give a shit.

he's never cared about anything regarding you--what you do or who you hang out with--always leaving when he wants to, never bothering to call or text if not for his own benefits, and now he shows up (not drunk) after almost a month of silence to interrogate you against your will, shoving himself into your safe space like an intruder.

"and why does it matter whether i am or i'm not. you said it yourself, san... that we are just friends. i never even asked about any of the girls you see."

some of the rage on san's face dissipates, replaced by the conflict that runs through him--how and when you got this confident to even talk back when you were so tight-lipped the last time he saw you.

and it's true. you guys are just friends, and even friends doesn't sound right. it honestly is a very generous term actually, considering the extent of the relationship.

so yes, he doesn't have the rights to be concerned about who you're with or what you do with them. but again, he's selfish; maybe even rotten to the core. the thoughts of you ever being with someone else never proving to be a threat. not even jongho who really was just a nuisance.

but now, the threat is very much real, and he doesn't like it one bit.

he was the one who touched you first, claimed you first--so in terms, you belong to him. not yeosang or any other fucking guys. him.

and he's going to make sure you know that.

disregarding the veins practically popping on his forehead, you just want to establish a point at this rate, talking in your thin voice, "after this, i really do think it's best if we stop--"

his lips is on yours before you can finish the sentence. before you can make it known once and for all that you do not want to see him again after this.

despite his amazing sex drive and ability to make you cum, san isn't much of a tongue kisser. rarely, actually. but by how his tongue is moving against your protesting lips, you'd think this is his favorite thing in the world.

you're the one to break the kiss, pushing him back and trying to catch your breath after. it's when you see that familiar smirk on him that the fear creeps in to form a knot that travels down your throat.

"you were saying?" he cocks his head, so smug about the power he still has over you, so evident as it's displayed right in front of his face in all its glory.

but you haven't lost, yet. you still have the time to get rid of him and show that the effect he had on you is no more.

you clear your throat and straighten your posture, putting on an act of bravery.

"i said it's best if we stop seeing each other after this. our agreement or whatever it was, i don't want it anymore."

the smirk only widens, san honestly amused you still have some restraint.

"oh, really?"

an eyebrow is raised on him before you feel the cold sensation of his fingers crawling up one of your legs, slowly traveling to under your skirt.

you gulp.

"then stop me." he leans in to whisper, his breath felt on the tip of your skin, ghosting and sending a shiver down your spine--that sudden but recognizable itch in between your legs again begins coming into bloom--one that is truly going to be your downfall, you can already feel it.

"s-stop, san," you mutter with eyes glued on him. you don't even sound like you mean it; like you even want him to stop at all. and he knows; he knew.

that no matter how hard you fight, all he has to do is try just a little harder and you will fold.

he chuckles, whether at how cute you look or at your words, his hand stops in place and squeezes at your thigh, drawing closer and whispering in your ear using that deep tone that makes you shutter in excitement.

"do you really want me to?"

he pulls away after, face merely inches away and your gaze skips to his lips for a moment; lips that are on yours the next and comfortably taking you in this time because there's no more act or pretense that you don't want him.

because he still conjures up butterflies and still make you feel that something that is so unique only when in the proximity of him.

you still miss him when you know you shouldn't, and the taste of his lips still feels like home even though it's now only a forbidden flavor that serves as a reminder that in the end, you will be your own worst enemy.

your arms rest around his shoulders the way they usually do, replying back to the kiss and trying to meet his pace; at the same time, his fingers edging closer to the shorts under your skirt, stopping when he reaches the top, breaking away from the kiss to laser you a glare.

he scans your outfit swiftly before looking up again; something displeased already blossoming on his expression.

"did you wear this for yeosang?" the way he's able to flip flop emotions almost too scary, now currently showing the same frightening and much more menacing side once before that sparked fear in you.

you're about to answer but he cuts you off with a brief "fuck it." going back to resume the kiss that is a lot sloppier than the previous one, his lips moving against yours in frustration like he's trying to convey something.

you don't get a second to catch your breath when he abruptly swoops you from the behind--your arms still around his shoulders for support--and throws you down onto your bed, your back sinking into the sheet momentarily.

he situates himself and traps both your legs between his, and you think it's just going to be like any other times you both had sex.

he's probably going to eat you out or make you suck his cock, but san surprises you when he grabs your arm and flip you around just like that--your face right into the pillow.

the sound of his belt unbuckling is after, and you turn to look over your shoulder.

"san..." you call out, but he continues to leave you in astonishment when he hisses back instead.

"shut up."

he tosses the belt, and from the way it hits the wall on yuna's side before dropping to the floor means there was some force put into it.

"just... just shut up." and his cock is next, freeing itself from his pants.

it's when you feel the shorts underneath ripped from your skin, the cold air gushing right past it, that you release what sounds like a mixture of a gasp along with a moan.

he pushes your legs apart and scoots in, focus on the sight of your bare pussy that still needs some lubrication.

spitting on his fingers, you can only let your head fall onto the pillow as solace when he rubs over your entrance in preparation before inserting two digits in, a quiet groan escaping at the sensation you haven't felt in a while.

"look at you so fucking wet already, and you said you don't want to see me anymore." he chuckles a sinister, mocking laughter, bunching your skirt up to where he can see everything, gripping your hips firmly to line up with his hard-on.

"but truth is, you'll always come back for this cock."

the laughter intensifies and so does the knot in your stomach, barely able to get out, "d-do you have a cond--" before a curse leaves your mouth.

your eyes shut and you immediately grip at the sheet when he inserts his length in without any notice. without a fucking condom.

and san has never had sex without a condom before, but his jealousy has taken over completely, currently only focus on making sure you know you belong to him.

only he can fuck you like this and only he can feel your pussy as it hug around his length so nicely like it's made just for his cock.

his nails dig at your hips and you have to muffle the oncoming screams by burying your face into the pillow, san fucking you through the high at such an intense pace, you may never want to go back to slow and steady sex ever again.

"what were you doing with yeosang?" he asks through the grunts and lost breath.

lifting your head up to look over your shoulder again, you try forming an answer in hardship of the pleasure coursing your system.

"we were--oh fuck," you curse at that spot being hit so perfectly, "we were just hanging out."

he snaps into you a little harder at that, the hold you have on the sheet tightening.

"will you stop seeing him?" he asks again, his pace slowing down as he awaits your response.

"i-i don't know," you answer honestly, since you're actually starting to warm up to yeosang and he's nice to be around.

san's facial twists in red though you can't see it clearly because he's fucking you too good right now.

"i said," he almost growl, "will you stop seeing him?" picking up his speed again and nails digging even further into your flesh as he practically slams your cunt with the harsh thrusts.

"y-yes!" you give in, defeated instantly at the overwhelming sensation and pit that's starting to form. "i'll stop seeing him!" your face falling back into the pillow once more, the sheet in your grip, and only able to cry sounds of pleasure the rest of the session as he pounds into you over and over again.

you come hard and wet, unable to recall a time you ever came like this. san fucks you a few more time while you try catching your breath and pulls out.

there's no need for him to cum. he already accomplished exactly what he wanted.

"now that wasn't so hard, was it?" you feel the shift of his body weight as he stands on his knees again, and you're still panting with the side of your face stuck to the poor pillow.

it's when that high from what just happened is starting to die out and another feeling so familiar consisting of guilt and shame settles in again.

the commotion of san getting off the bed to go look for his belt competely ignored, you only staring into space at yuna's side of the room already imagining what mingi's and yunho's reactions will be like.

you have broken a promise. you went against your friends, and all for a boy who doesn't even like you.

a boy, who, will leave in the next few minutes; tell you he has somewhere to be, and will lie to you all over again the way he always does.

but before the end of the night, choi san surprises you just one more time.

he doesn't leave.

instead, he walks to where you're lying down and places a peck to your cheek that has you picking your head up to look at him.

he gives you that soft, handsome smile that shows those dimples you love dearly, and offers a hand.

"want to do something together?"

next // series m.list

taglist: @sorryimananti-romantic @revehosh @cookiechristie @avantalem @atiny68 @belletiny @shibera @mochibabycakes @justineasian @eastleighsblog @baguette-atiny @crimson-mia @yeosxxx @m4rsluv @sleepychimm @atz-diary @diorwoo @naiify @becauseiloveyunho @damagelove @softie00 @s-nsanshine @atinytinaa @moonseonghwa @lemontreefantasy @wooyoung4eva @yeosangsbiceps @likexaxdaydream @knucklesdeepmingi @barbielibra @tmtxtf @brown88 @harusoraa @frankenstein852 @yujispinkhair @mermaid17venus @nolxverlikeme

[faerunsbest]

Gonna project as someone who kins Rolan but also went to CC first then transferred to university and dealt with a lot of crap there despite being a good student:

- I need him to get a full ride to Blackstaff/some other prestigious university after he graduates from CC.

- I need him to witness his instructors talking shit about CC students, only to stfu when they realize he (top of the class) came from a CC

- I need him to criticize classes at Blackstaff because being a prestigious wizard doesn’t mean they’re a good teacher, nor does it mean their classes are better. His teachers at CC cared more about the students.

- I need him to fiercely criticize the education system and go on to be an instructor himself, perhaps at the same CC (although he did get an offer from Blackstaff; he wants to go somewhere that believes in students like him)

(I really really really like this AU. Also yay community college rep.)

listen buddy pal sonny jim jam , my frand. you are in my brainfolds because these are part of the reason i like this au to begin with. side note, hope your ready i have me a wine glass and i am ready to ramble on.

*erhem*

Let it be known that Rolan for better or worse is not to be underestimated, he is absolutely a force to be reckoned with. He is also starved for affection and care and this is ludicrously true for him as he leaves him family behind to attend school.

i can see him becoming a monster if left entirely alone and surrounded by people who hate and belittle him, thats why i made sure he has one friend at school. Just the one.

Thats fine because its a very middle of the road guy who is massively bored with the people around him because hes just so used to people being disingenuous and mediocre in quality. Hes literally amazed when he sees Rolan's study habits in the library, Rolan is the only person he's ever seen actually use the libraries book wheel.

he even stumbled across Rolans practice session while skipping classes and just HAD to know how he did it, was this 1st year modifying spells!? Hes curious guy and Rolan appreciates his honest interest as well as how much this guy also dislikes people.

Rolan is probably the only student doing quite so well who is also fiscally responsible for himself entirely after the 1st semester. It matters to him to know that he's doing this for himself. However having help is appreciated and in all honesty is very motivating for him. The way Ma'na has no idea what the books are about as shes reading them out loud to him while he works. Since her shift ends earlier than his she hangs out with him any way she can.

it means the world that she just wants to be with him and after the heartbreak that was trying to be reasonable and keep her at a distance, hes just never letting go again.

All of this to say, Rolan could be the number one student by himself but he might struggle to keep that spot if he ran himself ragged and became embittered to it all. With these two in his corner hes able to vent and be cared for, a loved rolan is a strong Rolan. With these two by him hes able to be at such a high standard there's really no contest between himself and the others.

Those other students will see what it means to come up from the bottom.

I want more than anything for the fact that hes a tiefling be forgotten or not mentioned as Blackstaff offers him a full ride, let him listen in the lobby while the receptionist and secretary speak shameless racist filth about him without knowing that dean of the school personally selected him and pulled every string to bring him there. When 'Rolan' is called out and he stands up, he gets to watch the color spill out of their pores. In the interview it becomes apparent that the dean also didn't know what he was, it doesn't matter enough to him.

Rolan is so angry about it all, he for all intensive purposes speedruns his classes, all the while he send letters every week. Now there's so many to send, separate letters to his siblings and mother, one for his friend and the heaviest for Ma'na.

When being handed his diploma his the Dean is all smiles shaking his hand.

"It feels like we've learned so much from you in such a short time, astounding."

Rolan's brow sets in a deep leer, lip curling as he sets his fingertips around the scroll of fanciful paper.

"I'm glad someone learned something in my time here."

Its only then right then, that the dean realized never once had this man been challenged, he studied entirely separate books form the class. If he was honest he was probably more educated than many of the staff, it didn't hurt that he also had a variety of field experience to go with it. the thought falls away as Rolan turns to leave

"Yes, clearly you're already an excellent teacher. Why not stay and teach more fine students like yourself. after all what better school Blackstaff!"

Rolan pauses midstep to speak without looking back, the auditorium full of watchers.

"No matter how beautiful the porcelain, a chamber pot is still full of shit."

"excuse me!?"

"Your staff is lackluster your students entitled little shits with no drive or ambition- but the building is lovely. Don't worry yourself, I'm going back where I belong, a job has been waiting since I left."

After his quite publicized speech, which was in fact printed in several papers Rolan takes himself and his family (which includes his now fiance) on a much needed vacation. They get to visit other more lovely places before going back to the community college that couldn't wait to have him when he first showed up.

Today was the day 4 copies of a key were made, to a home he had purchased with Ma'na, so his mother wouldn't have to work anymore. So cal and Lia could have a real chance at life. Today he kissed his wife good bye for the day and went off for his 1st day as a professor, having requested to work specifically with trouble students.

Right now before the doors where open to students he stood in the center of his classroom, his class and took a deep breath. This, the same room where he had auditioned to attend. He could still remember the way they gasped for him, no one cared about red skin and horns. They only saw the way he rolled his wrist to make the spells work, they saw his elegance.

They saw him.

[munamania]

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

[oddinary4bts]

Hi!! I’m backkkk, I literally had to collect my thoughts and sleep on it lmao but bro CH3 of Chasing Cars was a masterpiece. Although I felt really bad for OC with how her day started, girl would be lying if she said that was not the best night of her life.

It just worked out perfectly, the storm, the power being out, Hoseok canceling on her, JK taking care of her and immediately canceling his plans when he saw her crying and not telling her so she wouldn’t be able to object to it, her choosing to stay at the apartment with JK instead of going to the dorms, JK cooking for her and giving her the Valentines date that she was supposed to have with Hoseok 🤭 her seeing Shelly’s text and getting jealous 🤭 THE FLIRTING AND TENSION, THE KISS???!!!, and then everything that happened after 🫠🫠🫠 I’m gonna keep my thoughts to myself bcs damn. 😭

Bro I have no words, I love them so much. I’m rooting for them but I know it won’t be an easy ride or journey but god they’re so damn cute and clearly made for each other. Tae not being there is a sign for them to just do what their hearts (and bodies 🤭🤭) desire. I know there will be a lot of reluctance on both sides but I hope they’ll break their own rules a little bit. I saw the titles and small synopsis you wrote per upcoming chapters so we kind of know what to expect but I’m praying for the best.

Looking forward to Friday!! Also can I just say how much I appreciate the longggg chapters!! It makes it definitely worth the wait and even thought the ending of each chapter has had me craving so much more it also makes me feel satisfying with the length of the chapter. Thank you sooo much for sharing it with us and writing those long ass chapters. 💗💗💗

Lots of love!

Honestly it definitely was the night of her life….. so far🤭😂

Everything aligned for them🥹 and oof yeah the tension is HIGH between them

I’m happy you love them!! I love them so much too and I just want them to be happy🥺 and yeah, if Tae hadn’t left for the semester they definitely wouldn’t have gotten so.. close

I’m glad you like the long chapters!! Sometimes I feel bad that they are so long but it’s reassuring to hear you like them✨

Love you lots🩵

[magentagalaxies]

girl help how do i prioritize (not actually asking for advice just ranting). i have a performance tomorrow that's technically part of my final but also the Events of the last week on campus it's technically optional. but that being said i really want to be memorized for that performance and put the time in to make it really good bc even if it isn't graded it's still an opportunity for me to test out new aubrey material (and i'm definitely gonna film it and send it to bellini). i have to turn in a "final" for my independent study which is just my way to get credit for the buddy cole doc, but that final is editing a ten minute piece out of my tour footage and because of the Events i think i will get more grace if it's not a great edit but i need to turn something in by wednesday. i have a final for my history class that's just a presentation and i've already made the powerpoint and researched so i'm confident i can improvise (it's fairly low stakes) BUT i still have to do a quiz for my history class that was due last week but i somehow missed and i haven't been able to get to it bc stressed about finals and also the Events but since it was assigned before the Events i don't think i'll get the same grace as post-Events assignments, and this quiz is worth like 10% of my grade so i need to turn something in like even tho i currently have an A in that class and Cs get degrees i still don't know what grade i'll get on my final so better safe than get a zero on the quiz but i have no motivation since it's not a final like the rest of my stuff (even if the aubrey thing is lowkey not graded??? even before the Events that class had a unique grading system so i already know i've got an A in that class regardless this is just like an optional showcase). and i also have a zoom with bruce tomorrow for the buddy cole doc which i'm very excited for but also will have to plan around the amount of hours in the day i have left to get things done lmao

anyway it's wild being in finals week bc half of me is like "i just wanna go hoooome alreadyyyy" but the other half is like "holy fuck there is too much to do i need an extra week to get it all done"

but anyway less than a week from today i'm gonna be done with my penultimate semester of college (graduating in december!!!) and i have literally zero plans for the months of may and june rn so like. i know i'm going to get incredibly bored super quickly but like one of my favorite inspirational quotes is that tumblr post that was like "in two weeks you will have different problems" and yeah that sure is true

[twyla19]

This is a long one (keep reading just cause its a lot)

This school semester has been absolutely shit. I am FINALLY getting to finish the last two finals, and then i will be done.

I started off dealing with losing a friend (to be homest i should talk with them) and then i had a friend stay with me, which he got locked out of my spare room, which turned into me finding out i wasnt allowed in there (i live in a 2 bed but paying for one cajse of my disability, so its stupid i dont have access) then that next week my car battery died, so i spent the day worrying about everything BUT class material.

A friend started leaving me on read and ghosting me. Then my friend left cause he needed to be back, and i could only host someone for 2 weeks. I started to try and catch up with schoolwork but am constantly anxious about everything all at once. Kept overthinking and worried cause of deadlines and midterms.

Then, after midterms, i dealt with two friends just leaving / blocking me. For no reason. Which i have dealt with like all of my fucking life and im sick of it. If you dont want to be friend just fucking tell me, which one did and mad respect. However, the other one literally stayed with me for two weeks.

So i was very depressed and just again stressed about school work. I lost motivation for everything but am still doing my best. Then, before i knew it, it was fall break. I was able to catch up on late assignments, i got in contact with a case manager, and now it's finals week. I am teeering on a C, which can pass or fail me with the essay i turned in today. I struggled to find my topic for this essay. And this same fucking class the professor is my advisor for my second major OH IM A DOUBLE MAJOR BTW so i had a 19 credit semester PLUS ALL THIS OTHER BS. Its like every week *something else* has to go wrong. Im just hoping and praying that i passed this class cause it's been a shitty semester, and i dont want to cry more.

I suffer in silence cause i hate taking from others positive moods, but damn do i want to finally be done. I have two more finals i have procrastinated and are due tomorrow night. So i have all day to get them done.

Im just tired. In all aspects. And it sucks. Once i get to my parents' house, i am gonna curl up into a ball in my room and just stay there for a while. Im so thankful for the people who have been in my life and have supported me (with or without knowing about this) and still love me through it.

I have not been more happy to say i love my friends so much, so much platonic love. It's so overlooked, but it means the world to me. I am so grateful. 💜

[cupuasu]

loooove december break!! i genuinely thought this was one of the most mentally exhausting semesters of my life. it felt like it was never ending yet at the same time like i had 100000 things to do and send it over to the professors like yesterday. and i have never been so bad at communication as i was the past 6 months. i'd forget to say things and when i could say them i chose not to. literally snowballed itself into horrible hurried projects. it all started so chill i literally didn't worry that 1) laptop wasnt working 2) only signed in for two classes 3) i needed to change my table and chair because my back is RUINED. of course that all got solved along the way but it'd be easier if i had fixed those three things back in july break, i think i'm a masochist when it comes to things like this, i see the whip coming and i just stand there motionless. like as soon as it was 12:01 02/12/2023 i felt like i needed to scream freedom lol

then these days honestly i didn't even feel anything at all (other than that temporary extreme relief that it was over). because it just all feels so pointless. i will go thru all of this again next semester because i'm already fucking up now (signed for classes i know i can't handle because everyone tells me "i need to challenge myself if i want to get better", signed for mandatory unpaid internship as if the PAID one i did last year didn't absolutely kill me). part of me just wants to finish this stupid fucking shit by next year (impossible bc i still have like 20 classes left to do). i love architecture but university really sucks your soul out. they (society and the job market) kill your inspiration then they kill your will to live. i look around this city and everything is so ugly and useless and not functional and it tries so hard to look clean and modern it ends up just being fake and empty. if i go into private stuff i'll get insane clients that'll want the ugliest dumbest shit ever built, if i go into the public one the government has no sense of self and just tries to copy whatever's trending on the southeast/south or usa/europe as if it would work or as if they had money. like jesus christ think locally. all these ugly glass boxy buildings are gonna be the end of us, these dumb empty parks are doing more harm than good, stop restoring historical buildings if you're just gonna abandon them again. if i see anything in a beige palette i go in a rabid rage like where is the life where's the originality? sure overly-regional things can be cringe and people in the north and especially in my city have a terminal case of vira-latice. ideally i'd have started uni in 2017 and finished it in 2021 and moved on to whatever the future may hold but im MENTALLY ILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! did 2 semesters then took a gap year then came back to uni and i'm just as lost as i felt in 2017. I FEEL STUCK IN TIME!!!!!! sure if i had done it "normally" i wouldn't even be here because i would have For Real killed myself. to be quite honest i didn't even think i was gonna make it past 13 years old and here i am 10 years later pushing thru it and all i got from it is that i should've thrown myself out of the damn 15th floor of a building when i had the chance in 2013. like genuinely genuinely speaking whenever i look around whenever i go out society and the world just seems to get worse. i can still see beauty in some things but it feels like staring at a small flower in a world where everything is destroyed. i can distract myself as much as i want to but the sense of doom and the sense of me being a waste of a life NEVER goes away.

and on the topic of distractions i have been using my phone so much it's making my brain go insane so i'm trying to not use it as much (12h screentime.....) sadly i haven't been able to focus on drawing or reading or writing or doing anything that is "by me for me" because i cannot focus. i feel soulless yet so depressed. seeing dead bodies and people fighting and suffering so hard just to live daily definitely made it worse but i feel bad saying that because it's like 'oh no this horrible thing is happening and i can't do anything except watch' bc there's ppl Going thru that horrible thing. i will always have an undying respect for palestinians and i think in fact watching all this made me realise how resiliant and strong ppl can be. and also how evil some ppl can be, i have never seen someone as inhuman as z**nists like the more i learn the angrier i get. and this is silly but sites like twitter (for me at least) there were a endless stream of them. no matter how many i blocked there would always be more. here at tumblr i guess i curated my dash very well and i don't use the for you tab here so i don't see them at all (thank god). yet you'll always find out someome at staff is a z**nist or something like that (same happens in other sites) and it's wow no matter how good my dash/timeline is these are all still a morally failed site owned and/or run by losers and i wish i wasn't as chronically online so i'd delete every account on every website and never use the internet again.

the only thing that has made me sort of zone out and forget life is gaming. i've been playing stardew valley like my life depends on it and sadly i can't even put mods on switch so i'm genuinely #grinding. i'm on year two winter and i got so much stuff already (my first time playing had me on year four fall and i didn't have half of what i have now). also last month my mom bought ssd cards for our laptops and i was able to redownload genshin so i'm playing it a lot again. i really missed kazuha and xinyan i feel like i have a slight delusion thing where characters genuinely bring me joy. also i haven't played genshin in sooooo long my hands forgot how to use the keyboard (and i've been losing fine motor skills lately but i'll talk about that later) and i was so used to playing zelda that i mixed up some of the world dynamics. i'd be like where are the sky islands i need to look at the map from above, why can't i mark things far away with a camera so i can check later, how do i see hero's path i need to know if i've been here before, why is it so hard to aim, why can't i parry, why don't the enemies drop decent loot. and also i'd be annoyed by common genshin stuff like the endless amount of text and dialogue like my GOD let me skip. i don't care!!!! i stopped reading text after the raiden shogun quest now i just skip everything!!!! why are the cutscenes so boring!!!!! why is every archon quest the same!!!!! but i love open world games. i love long quests. i love exploring. i love puzzles. hate the gacha system though. i haven't played in over a year and i thought when i'd come back there'd be 27827383 notifications and primogems STACKED for me to use and yet i wasnt surprised when there wasn't anything bc mihoyo is the worst company on earth and capitalism is the end of us. kinda sad i missed the birthday event and lost a cute fontaine companion though. by the way the flying and diving system is so broken (to me at least) and it's sooooo uncomfortable. my fingers are on the WASD keys and the space key and the shift like jesus christ this sucks. i got too used to using the switch and having a controller and the gyroscope and the comfort of it all lol.

the fine motor skills worsening started this year i think. i can't pinpoint exactly why or when but i think it was a mix of a bunch of things. i've been sedentary my whole life so my bones and joints are all fucked. i've been sitting ans standing wrong my whole life and my bones/muscles just adapted to it so now when i try to fix it, it hurts like hell. i'm pretty sure one of my legs is way shorter than the other. back to my fingers, i noticed that i wasnt able to type on my phone as fast as i did in the past. couldn't move them that fast anymore. felt like there was some sort of lag or glitch on the brain-to-hand connection. didn't pay much attention to that cos who cares how fast i can type. then i wasnt able to type on a keyboard properly, then not able to hold things properly, and now my hands just feel sort of numb and/or slow compared to before. fine for me though, i feel like i need to slow down when i do projects or when i'm gaming. i always get too much into it (and often at the last minute) then my body pays the price. the last project this semester had me up for 2 days and on the verge of an psychotic episode for another 4.

oh and to top it all off my laptop hard drive decided to kill itself in the middle of the semester. it was showing signs of giving up waaaay before that and i didn't know any better and didn't look into it. i'm still very hurt over it. there were SO many photos and SO many videos and documents and audios and music. my lifetime was there. and now it's gone and i still can't believe it. so mamy personal moments and also a lot of work i made and collected just gone forever in the void that is technology. i will never be able to see the baby pictures of my dogs and i won't be able to see the videos i took when i traveled with my family and i won't be able to read things i wrote when i was 13 and i won't be able to see pictures of myself growing up over the years and i wont be able to see all the pictures i saved of my online friends and i wont be able to listen to all the music i downloaded or watch the movies i downloaded or read those pdfs and i won't be able to use the billion autocad blocks that took me years to organize and i won't be able to make a portfolio bc my work and the proof of its existence is not there and i wont be able to play the games i had in those specific save files...... its like it never existed. like i have never felt a loss like this in my entire life. literally my burning of alexandria lol they will always exist on my mind of course, but i must also be experiencing some sort of early on set dementia because i forget EVERYTHING unless it's in front of me. so there's also the loss of the loss because everything i had in that hard drive died and it will also die in my memories.

and my phone fell last month i think and now the camera app doesn't open and i havent been able to take pictures. it's funny cos after i had my iphone stolen in 2019 and had to buy the one i have now (cheap and low quality) i thought i stopped taking pictures of everything. but man these days made me realise i unconsciously photograph things. i try to open my camera almost by muscle memory then watch it close itself and glitch. now i've been trying to write things down or just memorize them, which has been hard bc of my hands and my bad brain. but it's fun. analog almost. i get to appreciate and look at things more carefully with my own two eyes now instead of "ill take a pic and look at it later". and man, is the sky beautiful!!! the leaves are beautiful, the sky is beautiful!!! even the ants on the ground are!!

and its kinda early, but i do feel my body age also. probs due to me being unhealthy and normally old = sick. my back hurts so bad for sitting and standing and existing and sitting on a bad chair on a bad table for years, im really glad for being able 2 go the doc and get physio therapy and my posture fixed. i want a tank to make me flat cartoon style, that'd fix my pain!!! my posture doc kinda is weirded out by me (im too hairy and too awkward) but the therapist doesnt care at all. theyve really be relieving my shoulder pain, i wonder if there's still a way to fix it... itd be genuinely life saving

[lady-harrowhark]

having a small meltdown ✌🏻 it's gonna be fine but i need to be anxious about it for a minute!!!!

basically my one advisor has provided no guidance about broad program/department requirements like, oh, you know, my dissertation and dissertation committee???? and just keeps telling me not to worry about it yet but my director of clinical training was horrified when he heard i didn't have a committee yet. so my other advisor - who has now been asked to take over as my primary advisor - met with the DCT to figure out what exactly still needs to happen for me to be on track to apply to internship next year (internship being like, the psychologist equivalent of physicians' residency).

so the biggest potential issue is that you have to have a meeting with your supervisory committee where they sign off on the classes you have left to take, and that gets submitted to the grad studies office. and there's a rule that you have to have take at least 45 credits after submitting that. if we can get this a committee together and signed off on this asap, we might be able to count this semester's credits towards that. so then between this semester, the summer, and next year, I'd be at 33. i'm not sure if i'd be allowed to take credits next summer also, if so, i can get to 39. i also don't know exactly what would have to happen for me to just take extra research credits or something (i.e., no extra work), because i have a tuition waiver via my assistantship and i need to dig into the contract to see if there's any wiggle room. it's unclear right now if i can take credits through my university while i'm on internship, and i would likely have to pay out of pocket for tuition if i did.

here is what might turn out to be a surprise tool that can help us later: last year i took an incomplete in two classes because of all the [waves vaguely at abusive practicum situation]. that's 6 credits. i haven't asked yet, but i'm wondering if those could count towards it, because that would sit me right at 45.

so now the question becomes: can i make last year's depression spiral work in my favor????

because the alternative is that i'll have to stay here a sixth year, meaning internship would be my seventh year, and i will do literally anything within my power to avoid that.

[fractallogic]

Here I was an hour ago all pleased that I’d finished a craft that I’m looking forward to using (although I kinda wish I’d made a neck loop and ties, but oh well), but then the asshole demon in my head was like “haHA you’re gonna have a shitty email from the company in your inbox when you wake up about how they’re not gonna release you from the contract because ~you should have known better~ than to be taken advantage of by a shitty company using scummy sales tactics; you better check the internet AGAIN to see if there are any new pieces of advice. Maybe you should also draft an email response to them”

And so I do all that and then I’m like okay welp time for bed, and then the demon goes “oh but also you could PROBABLY find flights for scone and you should definitely do that now when he’s awake so he might get back to you” and so I search and I FIND SOME because I AM A STUBBORN FLIGHT WIZARD so I victoriously send him screenshots and am about to send him instructions on how to find them on Expedia when I realize oh shit it might be this other problem I’m not thinking of because there’s some reason he didn’t want to go through Frankfurt and it might also be for visa issues

And the turmoil of the first thing is just pounding around in my brain and I’m frustrated I might not be able to see scone in a month and also that he’s left it uncertain for this long and how a Saudi passport is so weak that he has to get all of these fucking VISAS and I can’t wait until he’s a citizen because OH MY GOD—

So anyway now I’m here and it’s fucking midnight and I’m on the verge of tears and trying to talk myself out of freaking out, because no matter what happens with either of these INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING and aggravating things it really will be all right in the end no matter what happens, because worst case I’ll make a very expensive mistake and have a nice vacation (albeit without scone), respectively. And you know, that’s not the worst worst-case scenario. It SUCKS, but even the expensive mistake is recoverable. I have contacts in places that are hiring quantitative researchers and after the first 2-4 paychecks, the expensive mistake will be made up for. No one will let me starve in the meantime even if I’m stupid. And there’s also still $13,500 in salary in my grant because I think I forgot to request it in the turmoil of my mom fucking DYING.

And one of the things that scone and I have talked about that signaled to me that he was almost definitely going to propose to me is that we would take many other super nice vacations all over the place. Someday he will be here. I’m going to be SAD if he can’t be with me in the DR, but you know what, there will be so many other things that I can do. We can take our own trip there again another time. And by then he should (SHOULD) have his interview scheduled so that he actually can move here in December after the semester is over (because unless the interview is scheduled like, literally this week, he’s going to sign up for another semester at the university because. you know. money).

It just really sucks right now and it’s all putting me in a shitty mood before I’m trying to go to bed. What I REALLY need to do is to take some deep breaths, maybe take my apron out of where I decided to store it and put it on display for myself instead, and take a nice shower to symbolically wash off all of this bullshit.

[udon-udon]

2022 recap

Let’s see... 2022 was a pretty wild ride, not gonna lie

Shall we start from the beginning? Hmmmm the beginning of 2022..... SheEEEESH. It was my last semester of my final year for my bachelor’s degree in graphic design for marketing (wait, I have a bachelors? LMAOOOO I forget that I have one now holy cow wait a sec). I also remember being very very stressed out about my 3 week practicum I had to do in Feb. Alongside that were a ton of projects like portfolio making, final projects for said portfolio, the grad show etc etc. It was VERY busy and stressful. Luckily, the practicum went on without a hitch, and school projects were done with, and one of the bigger projects was well received so YAY!! And then of course, graduation rolled around in April, and I finally made it!! And then I got hired right after graduation which im still super thankful for cause I got hella lucky, really. 

So work started in around late May/early June and it took a while to get used to things. I’ve never worked full time at an office before so there were many things I had to learn and stuff, but other than that I’m just glad I’m able to deliver the things I’m tasked to do, and they seem like they like me, so :’) Of course I still have my moments where I feel like I’m not cut out for the job or I think I’m doing horribly and for some reason think they’re going to fire me any time soon LOOL...  but anywho... I started a deskmat project (which is still delayed unfortunately, i don’t want to talk about it...) but hoping that can get picked back up sometime soon... I was also rushing on new prints as well for con season so that was pretty wild. 

Summer then came and WHEW. I got covid. Luckily it just felt like a regular cold, so I might have gotten a weaker strain of it. It was quite scary though since I live with family and I was afraid of spreading it to them (of course I ended up doing so cause we share the same bathroom, but they survived) Aside from that, I tabled for the first time in 3 years! AND I DID GREAT! I really missed tabling and honestly it might have been because of the turnout at the events but damn I did better than I’ve ever did, which is crazy. It really makes me want to get better and table more, but it do be pretty exhausting. Anyway, the summer was great imo, but jesus the fall took a nosedive.

September was alright, and for the second time, I didn’t have to worry about going back to school anymore which was kind of surreal again. I was finishing up the art commissions that I paused to work on the anime convention prints. I finished those up so I can focus on the Yuri Game Jam 2022 in Oct-Nov but little did I know.............. I would not be able to make it v n v. I underestimated the time management needed while working a 9-5 job and my lack of discipline... Also cause I didn’t have a clear vision of this year’s game which made me literally go in circles until I had no time left by the time I actually kind of had something down.... I became so stressed over the story that it branched out to other bad thoughts and I just spiraled really hard. Things that I said I would not let bother me had bothered me again and god I hated it so much. Why can’t I just... not think about those things. Hoping to stop those thoughts in 2023 though. So yeah I got really stressed so sadly I had to shelve the project and not release anything for this year’s game jam. I was very disappointed in myself, and it was a very tough decision to break my visual novel streak but I had to do what I had to do. After dropping the project I felt much much much much much better. Hoping to revisit the project again sometime though, now that I decided to release it whenever it’s ready (but will i have the proactiveness to go back to it? that is another story LOL)

So November was over with and December rolled around. December itself was stressful yet okay at the same time? Stressful in terms of spiraling at work again, but I also managed to just chill out and do whatever. And of course, the week-long break from work helped a ton (as I’m writing this thinking back I did absolutely nothing that week but that’s what I wanted most) Hopefully I’ll go back to work rejuvenated again cause I was clearly burnt out from work lmao. I should make use of my vacation days more man. Anyway since it was recent, I vividly remembering spiraling again over subject that shall not be mentioned, and I had no one to ground myself with so I had to try to ground myself somehow which I do try to do more so than rely on others. Luckily I recovered from the spiraling relatively quickly, so maybe it’s an improvement and if I ever encounter that subject again it’ll be an even faster recovery and soon it will be over? That’s what I’m hoping for 2023. Definitely a goal. Please let my 2023 self not let it bother me anymore please please please please (though i think i said that in 2022 no? hahaha) i jsut want to be loved v n v and not feel like my friends are leaving me one by one :’)))))))))))))))))))))))) 

ANYWAY Thank you for reading until the end. Ultimately, I want to worry less about subjects that make me go insane and just be happier. I’m a Bocchi that needs to find a close knit of supportive friends that can make me take another step in life :’)))))) LOOOOL And of course, I would like to draw more. Planning on opening art commissions in the new year some time soon so stay tuned. Hoping to table some more too! Though I don’t have much to sell hahahaha;;; Well then, until next year!