#i literally hate vince russo so much

[blowflyfag]

WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION MAGAZINE :  JANUARY 1996

Remember the Name… and You Will… GOLDUST 

By Vince Russo 

If you’ve ever been to the corner of Hollywood and Vine, you know exactly what I’m talking about. As darkness blankets the sky and the warm glow of the moon filters the earth below, they all crawl out from under the marble stars. Who they are, or WHAT they are, I have no idea! Hollywood’s children–I guess. Green hair, purple hair, HIGH, STIFF hair, kabuki makeup, black lipstick and pierced EVERYTHING! They claim to be the “real” stars of Hollywood. Not the fictitious celluloid legends that are born and eventually die on the big screen, but the living, breathing souls who inhabit that sacred boulevards of Tinseltown. They’re the unknown stars of the street that literally “live to be seen.”

Goldust. Hollywood. In his mind, he is unquestionably the greatest star that the world has ever known. He has seen all the “so-called” legends come and go, but none–NONE–even come close to the glamor, the glitz, the grace of… SSSSSSSSSSSSS, GOLDUST. Fact or Fiction? You have to make the call yourself–but not until this editor throws his two movie stubs in! 

Will Goldust be successful in bringing his legend to the World Wrestling Federation, or will he simply be a box-office bust? That is the question that both moviegoers and Federation fans across the country are asking. However, in order to come up with the ending of this movie, you first need to see–AND UNDERSTAND–all of the scenes that precede it. 

Act 1–In the opening, you must first understand that Goldust is indeed a MAN. Not a man wanting to be his Aunt Edna, but a real, true, bona fide MAN! Based strictly on his appearance, many of you reading this column have called him many things–from a Liberace wannabe (who chooses to have long, golden hair rather than the stiff, hairsprayed pompadour look) to the president of the “To Wrong-Fu, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar, Fan Club!” Do you understand what it is that I’m trying to say? I mean, I’m saying it in the nicest way that I know how! Goldust is neither of those things. He IS a MAN! A 100 percent male Caucasian! 

Act 2–So then, if he is a man, then what type of man is he? Good question. I like to explain it by saying that Goldust simply has a SEVERE case of “Hollywood on the Brain.” If you understand that, then you will have a much better hold on his outrageous personality. Granted, on the surface it appears that he may be a few stars short of Hollywood Boulevard, but according to him, not only does he have it all together but that star-studded street isn’t even big enough to carry his precious star! So, now if you understand the first two acts–MAN with HOLLYWOOD ON BRAIN–we should be able to go on. If not, go back and study the lines! 

Act 3–OK, so now we know he is a MAN with HOLLYWOOD ON BRAIN–BUT the mystery remains: Can he wrestle? Well, based on his In Your House premiere where he slew the “villain” Marty Jannetty and his “Battle of the Legends” match where he edited out Savio Vega, I would have to say that I give his wrestling ability rave reviews! The MAN with HOLLYWOOD ON BRAIN can PERFORM! Don’t be fooled by the golden locks, Mr. DeMille. Once Goldust rips off that bleached blond hairpiece, he becomes a ruthless, vicious actor–or wrestler. He’s menacing, evil–what every big-screen bad guy WANTS to be! He punishes his opponents in much the same way that Siskel and Ebert punish B-rated films! He literally TAKES NO PRISONERS. In my opinion, the Survivor Series will be no different. Bam Bam Bigelow may simply serve as just one of the “projects” on the 14K road that leads to the inevitable Goldust BLOCKBUSTER!

Conclusion–I’m one who hates to give away endings, but in this case I will. In the opinion of this editor, Goldust will soon be wearing yet even more gold! He may not have yet reached “leading man” status here in the World Wrestling Federation, but the Intercontinental Championship may be only a few scenes away. 

Lights, camera, action–remember the name–AND YOU WILL–GOLDUST!

[fromtheringapron]

WWF Royal Rumble 1999

Date: January 24, 1999.

Location: The Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, California.

Attendance: 14,816.

Commentary: Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler. Shane McMahon joined commentary for match 4. 

Results:

1. Big Boss Man defeated Road Dogg. 

2. WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Ken Shamrock (champion) defeated Billy Gunn. 

3. WWF European Championship Match: X-Pac (champion) defeated Gangrel. 

4. Strap Match for the WWF Women’s Championship: Sable (champion) defeated Luna Vachon (with Shane McMahon).

5. I Quit Match for the WWF Championship: The Rock defeated Mankind (champion) to win the title. 

6. Royal Rumble Match: Vince McMahon won the match by lastly eliminating Steve Austin. Other participants included (in order of appearance): Golga, Droz, Edge, Gillberg, Steve Blackman, Dan Severn, Tiger Ali Singh, The Blue Meanie, Mabel, Road Dogg, Gangrel, Kurrgan, Al Snow, Goldust, The Godfather, Kane, Ken Shamrock, Billy Gunn, Test, Big Boss Man, Triple H, Val Venis, X-Pac, Mark Henry, Jeff Jarrett, D’Lo Brown, Owen Hart, and Chyna. 

Analysis

The 1999 edition of the Royal Rumble may be one of the most memorable in the history of the event. Let me clarify, mind you, that memorable doesn’t necessarily mean great, as this show is far from it. But few capture the spirit of the Attitude Era quite like this one, for better or worse. The WWF is reaching enormous heights in popularity thanks to its brand of crash TV. The fans in the arenas are submerging under a tidal wave of crass, neon signage. The matches are constantly booked with run-ins and outside interference. Storylines move have more twists and turns than a Mario Kart course. When the product isn’t serious and gritty, it’s campy and oversexed. Everything has the vague feeling of a nu-metal concert. Sure, the era’s success carried on into the early 2000s, but you can’t deny the time period in which this show takes place is smack dab in the middle of the Attitude Era vortex.

And you really can’t acknowledge this time period without mentioning Vince Russo, the man responsible for turning the WWF into a barrage of Jerry Springer theatrics and all the bad taste that comes along with it. Under Russo’s watch, every member of the roster is given a storyline It’s wonderful to learn that, say, Steve Blackman and Dan Severn are feuding or that the J.O.B. Squad and The Brood are feuding. It should be noted, however, that this doesn’t mean every member of the roster is given a good storyline because it’s still Russo at the end of day and there’s going to be content that’s varying degrees of problematic. Still, giving everyone something to do is a great idea and certainly one of the hallmarks of the Attitude Era that WWE should implement today.

On the other hand, one thing is they should not implement today is basically try to stuff an entire episode of Raw into the Royal Rumble match, which is what happens here. As I explained in my ranking of the Rumbles, the match isn’t boring. There’s just so much going on that there isn’t really a lull but, amidst all of that, the actual Rumble feels like the least important thing. Sure, there’s all the intrigue of Austin vs. McMahon at its zenith, but it’s a story so big that it can’t help but overshadow considerable portions of the match. Plus, it leaves the winner options pretty limited. Either Austin wins for the third year in a row, a logical choice but wouldn’t fly in an era that would deliver swerves just to avoid the predictability, or McMahon wins, which everyone would know to be a ruse the instant it happens. Literally anyone else winning would seem out-of-the-blue.

The Royal Rumble undercard, no matter how good it may be, always feels like something to pass the time until we get to the main attraction. This show isn’t an exception to the rule, but it does feature one of the most legitimately brutal contests of its era: the I Quit match between The Rock and Mankind. We, 20 years later, know so much more about the dangers of unprotected chair spots but the late ‘90s was a much different time where wrestlers were upping the ante on risky high spots just to pop a crowd or a TV rating, much to the detriment of their own health. It’s weird how there’s a spot where Mankind gets thrown into an electrical circuit board and people kinda forget about that now. The real spot of the match is Mick Foley is shedding years off his career, and possibly life, by taking a series of legit, unplanned chair shots to the head. It’s hard to watch now, but it’s the rare occasion where an undercard Rumble match may be more remembered than the Rumble itself.

As a whole, Royal Rumble 1999 isn’t the most satisfying Attitude Era show, but it does gives you a good taste of an extremely popular time in wrestling history. Just don’t try to consume the whole thing all at once. For every good idea in the era, there’s a bunch that don’t work, and like Mick Foley on that January night, the WWF doesn’t seem to know when to call it quits.

My Random Notes

Of course, this show’s coverage on the documentary Beyond the Mat is a huge reason why it’s so memorable. Does it get any more real than watching Mick Foley take all those chair shots as his children look on in terror?

This show immediately got me thinking about the WWF Attitude game I had for the Game Boy Color, which I rage quit several times because I never knew how to pin an opponent or get up off the mat.

I had the privilege of watching this show live on pay-per-view and I was so pissed that Mr. McMahon won the Rumble that I swore off wrestling, which only lasted like two seconds because it didn’t stop me from watching WrestleMania XV. Whoops!

Ugh. I also wanted Gangrel to win the European championship so badly and he got so close on that botched pinfall. I was such a mark for him. Heck, I’m still a mark for him.

Oh, and looking back now, I wish Luna Vachon was women’s champ at some point. It’s actually next-level sad that storyline never came full-circle.

Kudos to the dudes in the front row bopping along to the Oddities and The Brood entrance theme. I bet they were delightful at, I’m assuming, the several Korn concerts they attended back in the day.

Imagine being so pathetic that you actually find the time to make a sign that merely says “Sable is Old!” and then wave said sign just so it can be seen in front of a live pay-per-view audience. Some fan was that pathetic on this particular January evening. I mean, wow.

I can’t just not mention the amazing Mr. McMahon training montages leading up to this show. I still quote the whole “I HATE AUSTIN!” thing pretty often.  

Terri Runnels accompanies D’Lo Brown to the ring by, um, performing an interpretive dance?!?

You know what? Kane’s character development throughout 1999 is amazing to watch. They did such a good job of making him a more relatable, human character.  Easily one of the best parts of the Rumble is when he wrecks shit and receives a major pop for it. For someone whose character is so prone to jokes and truly execrable storylines, it’s great to remember all the times when he’s been, excuse the pun, fire.

On Chyna entering the Rumble: This seems like a fairly minor step forward now in the time of the all-women’s Royal Rumble but for as much as Chyna is thrown in the discussion of trailblazers in the Women’s Revolution, she’s still pretty much on her own level. Sure, there’s all the talk of her as the first woman to do this and that, and rightly so, but nobody has quite thrown up a middle finger to the whole concept of gender quite like Chyna did. No wonder she’s a queer icon.

[mylifeincinema]

My Week in Reviews: November 3, 2017

Wheelman (Jeremy Rush, 2017)

A tightly executed debut whose strengths fall with the choice to keep the camera with the car, its quick pacing and a solid turn by its star, Frank Grillo, and whose weaknesses are always kept fresh due to their living all over its screenplay and its characters' always stupid and convenient decision making. - 5/10

War for the Planet of the Apes (Matt Reeves, 2017)

Dear NBR, HFPA & AMPAS,

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

-BEST ACTOR - Andy Serkis

-BEST VISUAL EFFECTS - Dan Lemmon (visual effects supervisor); Anders Langlands (visual effects supervisor); Luke Millar (visual effects supervisor); Erik Winquist (visual effects supervisor); Daniel Barrett (animation supervisor) - 8.5/10

Brawl in Cell Block 99 (S. Craig Zahler, 2017)

This review may contain spoilers.

Absolute garbage (sluggish pacing, hilariously bad performances, ludicrous plot) until the third act, when we're given just about everything we were promised.

Vince Vaughn literally stomps a guy's head off into a shithole. A full extra point for that alone. - 3.5/10

Ingrid Goes West (Matt Spicer, 2017)

At once sad, painfully awkward and absolutely terrifying, Ingrid Goes West is as much a character study as it is a cautionary tale; a millennial King of Comedy that explores the obsession of 'celebrity' in the age of Instagram.

If not for Aubrey Plaza's truly unhinged performance, I'd probably hate this movie, as it's about the very worst people of a generation. Because, really, avocado toast?!? F*ck you. - 6/10

Atomic Blonde (David Leitch, 2017)

Three Things That Make Atomic Blonde a Must-See:

-The Greek Goddess and complete and utter badass that is Charlize Theron. There's no way she's an actual human. No way.

-Sofia Boutella... who toes the line between sexy spy and out of her element newbie so effectively that her fate affects you far more than it rightfully should.

-That 'seamless' staircase/apartment/car sequence... because although it's not nearly as seamless as it should've been, it's still an absolute blast.

Everything else ranged from 'Enjoyable' (the cast and the rest of the action sequences) to 'God-awful' (the writing). It's just a shame that the 'God-awful' is so glaring, or else this very well could've been the next John Wick. - 5.5/10

Happy Death Day (Christopher Landon, 2017)

Went in expecting this to be worthy of nothing more than a few eye-rolls and a bunch of regret, but was given a self-aware horror-comedy that I ended up really, really enjoying.

The formula (which I'm actually shocked isn't used more) mostly works here because it's so much more focused than it was in BeforeIFall, and it never takes itself too seriously or tries to act like its something new or fresh.

But despite being a surprisingly solid horror film all around, most of the credit here has to go to the wonderful Jessica Rothe. Having been one of the very few (sadly) fans of MTV's Mary + Jane, I was excited to see Rothe starring here and she definitely didn't disappoint. She's genuinely really good, here, and creates a surprisingly layered character (surprising because of the type of film, not because of her talent) with a satisfyingly fulfilled arc. I can't wait to see her blow up! (You know, popularity wise... not in a cop car. You sick bastards.) - 9/10

Thor: Ragnarok (Taika Waititi, 2017)

What. A. Blast.

Hilarious. Visually Stunning. Endlessly Exciting. Thor's long been my favorite Avenger, and I've long been an apologist of his two previous films. Thankfully, that all changes now, as he's the proud focus of one of the very best Marvel films to date (probably beating out Guardians 2 for third place). Thank you, Taika & Team.

Some Other Thoughts:

-Jeff. F*cking. Goldblum. Holy. F*cking. Shit.

-Cate Blanchett can destroy my world any day of the week.

-Tessa Thompson can zap the shit out of me any day of the week.

-"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Korg. I'm kind of like the leader in here. I'm made of rocks, as you can see, but don't let that intimidate you. You don't need to be afraid, unless you're made of scissors! Just a little Rock, Paper, Scissors joke for you."

-Hulk>Banner

-Actor Loki>Real Loki

-Loki Odin>Real Odin

-Chris Hemsworth has shown us he is an incredible comedic talent, and should use his talent to revive the gritty, awesome action-comedy of the '80s.

-Can Taika and James Gunn just direct all of the intergalactic Marvel movies from here on out? (While the Russo Bros. take on all earth-based installments.)

-"Piss off, ghost!"

-No, but seriously, f*cking destroy me, Cate... do it!

-Every single joke worked, here. Bra-f*cking-vo.

-Hands down the funniest film of 2017.

- 9.5/10

Enjoy!

-Timothy Patrick Boyer.