#i literally didn't sleep for almost two days because we were prepping + i was watching the weather

[devouredtoo]

very thankful i didn't lose power, i was busy carrying my housemate in halo ce

[pbandjesse]

I am still having a lot of big emotions. But I am home now. I will be back at cam on Sunday, but its something. To be in different clothes. I took a bath. My cat is next to me. Im watching terrible youtube videos. My feel hurt a lot but like. I know I will be in my own bed soon. 

After I finally got my post up last night I tried to sleep but it didn't come easy. I would just pace for a bit. Walked in the park. Some friends came by to see my cabin. It was cute and fun. 

But then I was alone with my thoughts. I didn't like the movies I had still. And what I ended up watching sort of just upset me. And while I did fall asleep, I woke up a few times in tears. It wasn't great. 

I woke up at 530 and I couldn't fall asleep again. I was very tired. But I had so much on my mind and body. So I got up. 

I got washed and dressed. Packed up all my laundry. Tried to remember all the things I should bring home. I thought about everything. I swept the shed. And then went and got breakfast. 

Charolette was there. I talked to her a little but it was hard to not make jokes about the whole thing. I was on the very of anger. I was just so mad at my sister. And that lasted a lot of today. But now thinking about that I have a rock in my stomach. I hate some of the things I said today. Some of the things I thought. But that's where I was. 

I tried to just be honest with people. I was feeling weird. I was going to say weird things. I appreciated the support. But I also felt weird about it. Everyone kept telling me that I could deal with grief however I needed to. But it also felt wrong. I felt wrong. 

So I walked. 

I thought I would walk up to the barn. I was still in my slippers but I still walked in the wet grass. I pet the horses and talked to them. And then wandered down a hiking path. I ended up walking for 40 minutes before I ended up back at the office. 

People were there then, and Ellen brought me a pastry. I got theme stuff ready. And made up boxes. And then Heather sent me to go direct traffic. Lauren ended up coming with me and we talked for like a half hour and it helped. I felt alright. I felt weirdly alright. 

Lauren invited me to go get slushies at lunch. And I was excited about that. And then I headed to art. 

Charlie was there and we worked on our own things and talked about my sister and my feelings. He told me about a Buddist funeral he went too and the way death and mourning was delt with there. It was interesting. A lot about forgiving the other person. And that was eye opening. That I needed to forgive her. 

But I wasn't ready. I was still so mad. I am still mad. But I am trying. 

I would work on my painting. And theme for next week. And getting things ready for next week. 

I went to go talk to Chris about plans for next week. And he let me know some of my supplies came. And so I started taking that up to the shed, when Laurem called out to me to meet her at the dining hall so we could go to 711. Two other specialty boys, Gabe and Kent, came with us too.  

It was fun. I reminded them that it was Cj's birthday so we got her a little cheese cake and a donut that Gabe would go find a candle for. And I got a peach slushie and I liked it a lot. 

We got back and went to lunch. The vegetarian option was al to nicer. And when we surprised Cj and sung to her she was almost crying and it was so sweet. It was just a really nice moment.

Lauren and the other Jessica came with me to the art shed to cut cardboard and talk. I would do some prep and some painting and some cleaning. And then I had my group. 

It went well. I am really glad that the kids have been enjoying my projects so far. And they were fun. I hope that the rest of the summer the enjoy it too. 

After the kids finished helping me set up I painted a little more. And then committed to sitting in my hammock for a half hour. My feet were literally throbbing. They still are. But taking a break was good.

I went to the office after that to check in with Elizabeth about a small project for the teens next week. And then I was put in charge of shirt distribution so I was off to set that up. 

It mostly went well. But one group thought I told them I couldn't have any shirts and they said it on the walkie and Im like. The slander! And then I kept joking that everyone knows that's what Im known for at camp. Making sure the kids have a bad time and get nothing they want. Thats big Jesse energy. 

After the shirt distribution and some cleaning and packing. The day was over. I was on the porch talking and hanging out. Trying to feel normal. 

And we had cupcakes to celebrate the end of the first week. And got some info for how the groups will be laid out. They asked the specialty staff to come in on Sunday to help check in. And I agreed to come in in the afternoon. So that's all good. I will still get some time with James. 

After everyone went home I went up to the art building and finished putting things away. I got my bags and went back to the office to wait for James. I enjoyed talking to Alexi's daughters and goofing around. And then James was there and it was so nice to see them. 

I ordered us dinner. It was going badly because my data is messed up. But it was fine and we got out food even though it was wrong. 

We got back here and I was so happy to see sweetP. We had dinner. And I worked on some stuff for my student loans. 

And then I started taking screen shots. I found every comment I could on my Instagram from my sister. And all our facebook messages. There weren't many of them. I found a few pictures. There weren't many there either. But I printed them all. 

Some of them were things I would have liked to hear at my wedding. About my relationship with James. About her being proud of me. About her loving my art. Supporting me. And that's when the regret set in. 

I started reading the comments from her friends. Being shocked that she's gone. That she was a ride or die and the most loyal friend they could ask for. Someone referred to her as their sister and it made me so mad. I have been mad at her for so long. That she was never my sister. That she was never there for me. That she made so many promises and never held up her end. That I gave up trying with her. But people loved her. They saw good in her. And that hurts in a way I cant explain. 

So I had to stop. I went and took a bath and tried to just get lost in youtube drama. I washed my hair. I felt so dirty. But I feel a little better now. I am hurting emotionally and physically. I am going to try to just take care of myself and be soft tomorrow. I want to go buy some things for camp and the kids. And try to feel okay. 

Now though I need to try to sleep. Take care of yourselves everyone. I hope tomorrow feels easier. 

[hanniiesuckle17]

Bend Over Backwards

A/n: not requested but I recently was watching old cirque videos and thought of a cute idea so here ya go my lovelies.

Member: Seo Changbin ft. StrayKids

WARNINGS: Partial nudity, swearing, uwuing Binnie

Summary: You started dating Changbin six months ago and he recently started staying over at your place. You haven't been exactly open about your job with him as it can be a little intimidating. All he knows is that you are a performer as well and are always home later than him........which says a whole fucking lot and that you come home with glitter in your hair sometimes. What happens when he starts to ask questions?

GENRE: Acrobat! au Reader, Cirque de Soleil!reader

I could tell I made Changbin nervous. But nervous in a good way. (OMG SHE IS SO PRECIOUS AND HOT AND UWU LITERALLY ALL THE FREAKING TIME MATROSHYKA WHAT?)

But, lately he was anxious for another reason. It was the eighth night in a row you saw his shoes by your front door. At this point he was probably only dating me because my apartment was closer to the studio than the dorms. My watch read 3 AM. All the lights were off so I knew he was in bed already. I knew he would abuse it if I gave him a key. (Though I didn't think it would be this way.)

I took off my shoes and changed into one of Bin's big fluffy shirts. I climbed into bed with him and started to fall asleep until he instinctively pulled me into his chest. "Five." He mumbled. I hummed back in question.

"This is the fifth time you've come home late and with glitter in your hair and on your face." He stroked a piece off my cheek sleepily and held it up for me. "Is there something I need to know, Y/n?"

When I stayed quiet he sat up in bed and turned on the light on the bedside table. "I'm not dating a stripper right....I mean not that I would mind- I mean I would mind-but that's not the point." I sat up tiredly holding his face in my hands. "No. I'm not a stripper." Laying back down, I tried to go back to sleep.

"So, what do you do?" I gave Changbin a look and he just shrugged his shoulders cutely. "Bin we talked about this! I'm a performer that's all you need to know." He didn't look satisfied.

"What I WANT to know more? Why don't you want to tell me?" Frustrated, I sat up looking tiredly into his eyes. "It's intimidating, okay! The work hours are long and rigorous and my shows are a little intimidating to someone seeing it the first time."

He started playing with my fingers, which he knew calmed me down a little, before looking back up at me.

"Yeah, but what do you do?"

"You are impossible."

"Thanks."

"Not a compliment, Bin."

"Y/n! Just tell me what you do already!"

"Fine! You can come to my show this weekend. I have a couple extra tickets. Now can we please go to sleep?" I pleaded pulling on his sleeve. With a big smile he nodded pulled me back down into his chest. There was a moment of silence as he stroked my hair lulling me back to sleep.

"You being a stripper would make sex make so much more sense." There was silence after I slapped his shoulder, quite hard I might add.

I didn't hear a word about my job from Changbin for the rest of the week. Which was surprising. He didn't even say anything when I climbed into bed at 4 AM. He just kissed my forehead and went back to sleep.

Saturday had finally rolled around and Changbin and the rest of the boys had taken the day off. He insisted I get more tickets for them the day before. What he didn't realize is that we technically sold out tickets three weeks ago. I managed to scramble together seven other tickets and gave them to him before I left that morning.

Placing a soft kiss on my lips he ushered me out the door. "Go! Go! I want you to do you best today!" Changbin said essentially shoving me down the hall to the elevator. Laughing, I waved goodbye to him and then headed off to the stadium my show was performing in. Cast members greeted me with smiles and kisses on the cheek and I dropped my stuff on backstage before going out and stretching thoroughly.

Lifts and rigging were being hauled up into the ceiling for safety check and in a couple hours our large cast would go into costume and makeup.

House lights had been down for at least an hour and the show was about half way done. I stood backstage in the wings prepping for my act which came on shortly. I stood in my flesh colored bodysuit which sparkled at certain angles in the light. The harsh lines of the makeup accentuated my facial structure in the show's desired aesthetic. I climbed the stairs quietly up to the cat walk where my friend held my silks for me. Briefly stretching my head, ankles, and neck before he helped me into the starting position wrapped in the bright red fabrics.

He counted me down before moving the silks away from the catwalk so that I was hanging above the stage itself almost completely upside down. This was my favorite part. No one in the audience could see me yet, but I could see everything from up here. I loved the feeling of my muscles working to hold my body up with the help of the soft fabric.

Soon my cue came on and I was slowly lowered on stage. I was ready to perform.

START CLIP AT 3:52

The feeling of only my body being in control was thrilling and the fact that millions of eye were watching only added to the rush. This was what I lived for. To perform. Slowly my feet lowered to the ground and my heartbeat began to climb down from its high. The applause was deafening as I left the stage.

Once in the wings, I was handed water and rushed to change into my next costume for the aerial bar act. The shoe proceeded as normal and soon it was finished. The cast came out and did curtain call and then I could go and remove all of the harsh makeup. Looking down at my phone I saw multiple notifications. One from Dispatch news with a picture of the boys walking into the show. The others were texts from the boys who were completely shocked. It brought a smile to my face and I quickly removed the rest of the stage makeup.

Waving goodbye to my friends as they left I raced back out onstage. I searched for the boys who said they would wait for me and so that they wouldn't get more pictures. The stadium was empty though as I stood center stage. The feeling was weird since I was always up in the air.

Suddenly, I heard applause coming from the aisles. I squinted to see the familiar form of my boyfriend walking towards me. Laughing, I climbed off the stage and ran to him. His embrace felt better than any rush from the stage ever could. Changbin spun me around telling me how proud he was.

"You aren't intimidated?" He shook his head with a laugh, pulling away from me. "What? No! This is so cool!" He swung out hands back and forth a huge smile on his cute face. "Your everyday office is fifty feet in the air! That's so cool!" "Sixty actually but whose counting." He wrapped me in another hug planting kisses all around my face.

"So.....you want to try it?" I said motioning my head to the stage. Before crew left they had set up for the first act which was multi trapeze. "Is it safe? I thought everybody left?" I nodded pulling him to the stage. "It's safe as long as you're with me, babe."

He looked up warily at the high bars. "First, while you look very handsome in your blazer, that has to come off. Loose fabric could get caught in the rigging." I started playfully unbuttoning his shirt. "Y/n, if you wanted me to strip just ask." He retorted with a smirk.

"Come on then. Hurry up." I called over my shoulder as I climbed the ladder up to the highest platform. Soon, I heard him coming up behind me. I turned to see him clutching the small railing we had on the pole. "You afraid of heights, Bin?" I stroked his cheek which calmed him down a little bit. "Not usually." He looked down and his eyes went wide.

"Isn't there supposed to be a net!" I laughed seeing him panic. "This is Cirque. We live without nets to catch us." I jumped off the platform grabbing a farther out bar at the last moment before swinging to the other platform and landing gracefully. "Y/N I'M GOING TO DIE!"

Changbin now clung to the pole like a koala bear. "It's fine! You see down there? Those are trampolines embedded in the floor! It's how we do most of our stunts! If you fall they'll catch you!"

Pointing the the lighter black strips on the floor that were strategically placed on the stage. "MY GIRLFRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" Bursting out laughing I tried to catch my breath. I swung back out and positioned myself so I was hanging from the bar by my legs.

"Just grip the bar and don't let go. Push off from the platform!" Motioning with my hands, I tried to slowly usher Bin to the trapeze. Hesistantly he gripped the bar until his knuckles went white. "One." I counted. "Two." He said with an inhale. "Three!"

Screaming he pushed off from the platform and swung through the air. "Look at you! You're doing it.....sort of!" His legs were flailing in the air like a cartoon character. "You wanna try something else?" Hesistantly he nodded. Moving my torso I made it so out swings matched up. "On the count of three I want you to let go okay!"

"Y/N YOU ARE THE MOST INSANE BITCH EVER!" I laughed and kept the motion going. "You love me though."

"Yes."

"You trust me?"

"NOT AT THE MOMENT!"

"Trust me, Binnie. I won't let you fall."

He nodded and took a deep breath. On the count of three he let go and shut his eyes screaming in the process. He stopped when he felt my hands latch onto his wrists holding him up. He looked up at me and smiled. I talked him through how to reach the bar and I pushed myself up to balance on the small thing. Changbin sat on the trapeze gripping the rope for dear life while I stood next to him.

Moving to sit one leg on either side of the trapeze I looked over at him. "Thank you for coming." The motion of the bar blew his hair out of his face slightly. He seemed less scared and had a smile on his face now. "I wouldn't have missed it for the world." He gave me the largest smile I had ever seen. True happiness and love could be seen in his eyes. My hand came to his cheek and brought him into a kiss.

To be honest, kissing Changbin had always been my favorite thing. But, I would always remember this one, when he shared something I loved with me. I couldn't have been happier. We both smiled into the kiss and it felt even more that we were the only ones in the entire space.

He pulled away with a smile and the looked around the stadium. "I love you." He turned his head at my voice. We had said it jokingly before, but something about this time made it different. "I love you. More than anything in this world. More than anyone had ever loved before." He always had a way with words, but Changbin never failed to make me feel this way. We sat together for a moment, enjoying the sway of the bar and each others company.

"So.....how do we get down?" "We jump."

"Y/N!!! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"