#i like them so far and really hope they work for me alskdjf
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trying out my loop earplugs at work to see if they help keep me from getting so overstimulated in the latter half of my day. <3
#i like them so far and really hope they work for me alskdjf#my best friend loves her loop ear plugs so i invested in them#i KNOW they'll be useful at the smaller branch i work in#when the kiddos in the one-room library start to Get Loud#!a suspicious lack of dragons. ( ooc )#blacklist for less soft nonsense.#tbd.
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Survey #235
“the monster you made is wearing the crown; i’ll be the king and you be the clown.”
What is your favorite move franchise? The Lion King. What was the last fast food you ate? I had a hot dog from Sonic and one of those pretzel twists things. What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Do you prefer heroes or villains? Villains. Duh. They're like, always more interesting. What is something you think is overrated? Uhhh coffee, for one. But like what you like. What political cause are you most passionate about? Gay rights. What country would you most like to visit? South Africa. Have you ever considered having children? Literally the only period where I wanted kids was later into Jason's and my relationship. Hell, I wanted three while he was always like "onLY TWO." Now, I don't want a single one, ever. I would be an awful mother for many reasons. If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? The zoo with Dad, my then-best friend, and her mom. One and only time I've seen meerkats. I was so excited I almost cried. Do you have any weird family traditions? It's not like, a tradition, I think, but we have a unique thing where saying "I love you mostest period" is something Mom, Dad, and my sisters have used for all my life. It's a way of saying "I love you more than you could ever love me, no arguments." Now Sara's been dragged into it lmao. Have you ever considered acting? Nope. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? You can't "be in love" with a person and fucking cheat on them, no. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? We have Netflix. Idk about anything else. Have you ever been in a physical fight? No. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I don't even wanna know. Did you ever get lost as a child? Yep, in a Wal-Mart lmao. This old lady helped me find my fam. What is your favorite condiment? Honey mustard. Or ketchup. Depends. Have you ever had an existential crisis? Very surprisingly, not really. Do you like country music? Begone, demon. It's still so weird to me that I loved it as a kid, but I really just grew up with it. What color are the eyes of the person you love? Brown. What is your favorite kind of flower? I looooove orchids. What town were you born in? Not the best thing to share on the Internet, eh? Do you know how to play any card games? I only vaguely understood/understand Magic: The Gathering. It's honestly really fun, but very complex in rules. It was Jason's thing so he got me into it. I miss my PS3 working because I used to have the "Duels of the Planeswalkers" on there, and doing it digitally is much easier and helpful. I loved it mostly because the art is fucking incredible. It was an old little aspiration to wind up designing the art some day and I don't think I ever saw Jason more excited. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Being more into video games than I am now alskdjf;awe. I'm more of a viewer of let's plays now than an active gamer; meanwhile, as a kid, video games were my favorite things in the world. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? Yeah, I had one. Honestly though I can barely remember it (other than the song on my page was "Pocketful of Sunshime" lmaooooo as well meerkat-flooded), so it doesn't matter. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Meerkat Manor is my favorite show of all time, but as a proper show could have been better. AP made up their own shit and deviated from the KMP facts A LOT (guess what: Mozart killed a competitor's litter before; not exactly MM's her, right?), and not only was that confusing, but just annoying. Give me the real shit; don't just tweak stuff for dramatic effect. I could list a novel of lies in the series. Now, what I feel is the best show without a meerkat bias and just has an overall good plot. I kinda wanna say Supernatural, but the boys dying five million times got old. Possibly Fullmetal Alchemist. Are there any songs you can’t listen to because they bring back memories? I 110% refuse to hear "Stairway to Heaven." Have you ever saved someone’s life? Funny this is brought up after recent events. My sweetheart online bud had a cerebral aneurysm while having an extremely difficult time talking to me, and no one was home quite yet. Her final message was concerning and she didn't reply to me for a while, so I wound up messaging her again after a bit, and her boyfriend heard the b.net notification sound. Saw it was me and asked what was up. Told him, and he figured out she wasn't sleeping on the couch, she was passed out. He told me he never would have known if I hadn't said something. So does that count, even though I didn't like, physically save her? Have you ever broken any major bones? No. Are there any websites you’ve used for over 10 years? Good question? Idk. WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP, KM's 10th birthday is coming up real soon. Wow. I know YouTube has been much longer. Idr when I joined deviantART. Maybe there's more, I dunno. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? My two immediate are 22 (ew) and 26 (double ew). Anything exciting taking place today? No, today was A N X I E T Y !! ! ! !! !! What are you craving? Okay so I have been MEGA in "the mood" lately and it's frustrating especially because I don't masturbate so I have like nO OUTLET. Who did you last hit? Nobody saving for when I was a kid repeatedly slapped my sister's arm for doing something I don't remember. How do you do in school? It depends on the subject, but in anything, I am a MASSIVE procrastinator, and I need to fix that. Schoolwork, good good, homework in the library, good good, but when I'm at home, I cannot seem to convince myself to work. As Sara puts it, home is like my "safe" place, and I don't want to bring school into it. Adjusting to school life again after like... two whole years or so of doing NOTHING at all, almost every day all day, is very difficult. I'm SO glad I picked school again, it's just a lot for a person who was so isolated and void of responsibilities to get used to. What’s your biggest goal? Right now, continue to improve my mental health. Fight social anxiety and AvPD. Who have you texted today? Just Sara. Who do you aspire to be like when you grow up? In most ways, especially in kindness, wisdom, relentless determination, passion, creativity, etc. etc. etc. etc., Mark. I think it's obvious he's Role-Model #1. I would loooove to be like Jane Goddall and Steve Irwin, too, feeling with such ferocious potency for animals and how they should be respected and loved. UM AND ALSO, EUGENIA COONEY IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN EARTH AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FRIENDLY AND PRECIOUS AS SHE IS. Oh, and then there's Shane Dawson. I relate to him SO much. He is the most selfless angel that seems SO down-to-earth and relatable as hell. I feel like he could be like, my best friend. Ahhhhhhh there are so many more, I love talking about my inspirations, but I'll chill here. Do you know if you want to go to college or not? I'm in college right now, and I desperately want it to stay that way. I'm fucking going somewhere in my life, and the education it provides will bring me closer to that. College is far from mandatory for everyone, but I feel it is beneficial for me. Do you like grapefruits? I haven't had one in a LONG time, so I don't really remember how they taste. I just know sour. What do you think of guys who wear eyeliner? *drools in Darkiplier* the fuck do you think Do you like online games? Only World of Warcraft, really. Who’s one person you care about more than yourself? Okay, real talk, and I hope this is everybody's answer. No one. I'm putting my goddamn self and my mental peace first for the rest of my life. Are there any pets you’re wishing for? I want another ball python. When’s the last time you used hand sanitizer? Two days ago when Mom and I stopped somewhere to eat. Wearing anything that isn’t yours? No. What type of bread did you use on the last sandwich you made? White. How many doors are in your house? Uhhh six. What was the last compliment you received, that made you smile? Sara said she was really proud of me, and to me, that's one of the biggest compliments you CAN give me. Think you need to lose weight? How much? ugh When was the last time you watched a VHS movie? I don't have a clue. We kept our VHS longer than most, though. We had too many movies on it. What event would you go back in time to see, if you could? Ummmm I dunno. Do you remember the last thing you said you wanted? To hug Sara. Who was the last friend you hung out with&what’d you do together? Sara stayed for a week. We did a lot. Who is the person, other than a spouse, that you are closest to? Sara. If you watched it, who was your favorite Hey Arnold! character? Oh my god, I hated that stupid show, but one of my sisters liked it. Have any good school pictures? or do they all just suck? There is literally ONE picture from elementary school where I think I looked pretty. Do you like trying on clothes or not? & Why? NO. I try to avoid it if I can. It's just annoying to change clothes for like five seconds. What are your thoughts on marriage? It's sweet, but I've come to find it... kinda needless for the most part? Like I know it has financial pluses and the symbolism is beautiful, but it's just that: symbolism originating from fantasies (imo, don't scream at me). It only adds pressure to stay in a dying relationship and makes splitting much more complicated. BUT, even with all that said, I personally want to get married someday, but only if I am *sure* about this person. It's the symbolism I like. That and it's so ingrained into my head that that's the "end goal" of relationships, so I'm pretty much just conditioned to want it. How long have you lived in the current place you’re living? Two years. Do you plan on moving anytime soon, if so where? I want to, but I am not in the financial position or at a level of independence where I'm ready for that. Are you more of a follower, or a leader? Be honest. This may alter with the situation, but mostly, I'm definitely a follower. Are your dreams/nightmares in black&white or color? I've heard of this condition before and it really intrigues me. I dream in color. Have you ever wanted to be some sort of hero outside of video games? I mean, define "hero." Like an action superhero in a literal way, nooooo. I'd die on Day #1, lmao. As a hero/inspiration as a person, of course; who doesn't? Will you admit that you’re at least somewhat superficial? I mean, probably in some places? How often do you go to the mall closest to you? Almost never ever. Our mall sucks and has experienced too many shootings. Do you still count with your fingers, even if only every so often? Yep. Like, always. Have you ever gone on a road trip with just friends? No. Well, I went to the beach with my friend and her mom, but just for a day or two because my separation anxiety from Mom got too bad oof. Without trying, do you act differently around different friends? Depends on the friend. I don't "fake it," just how reserved I am can move around. What was the last thing you drew/wrote on your own or someone else's skin? Probably a butterfly on my wrists when I was actively part of the Butterfly Project community. The last time you spent money, what was it on & how much did you spend? $1.25 for a drink at school. What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one piece of clothing? Idk, but definitely not a lot. In elementary school, were you more of the bully or the bullied? Thankfully, neither. Do you like when a spouse is clingy, or can you not stand that? I'm sure to a certain degree it would be annoying, but for the most part, hell, I think it's attractive. Especially since I NEED validation you like me. How much do you say you walk in a week outside of school &/or work? Just around my house if you exclude school. Is there anything you wish your parents did differently in raising you? I wish they'd given us chores. Wish Mom didn't spank us. What would you do if the last person you texted asked you out? Lol yo we JUST broke up like an hour ago. We're not ready to get back together yet, obviously. Don't worry a bit, we're both cool. Still best friends, even. To compress a long story, needed personal growth and distance have brought us to returning to just friends. For now, at least. Have you ever received a scholarship? I think so... but not like a huge one, I believe. Who was the last person who got frustrated with you? Most likely Mom. When was the last time you mopped your kitchen floor? I myself have never mopped it. Or maybe once. What is your favorite work of art? I mentioned the Denialism painting in my last survey. What was the last appointment or plan you had to cancel? Plan, my next one with my psychiatrist. What spur-of-the-moment decision that you’ve made has had the biggest impact on your life? I don't know if any have truly changed my life. The ones that did (that I remember) were pondered over. Do you know anyone who is (or has been) a refugee? I don't think so, What is your best friend’s worst habit? She doesn't have faith in herself for ANYTHING lj;ljalwie Do you like spinach and artichoke dip? alksd;fjwei no Have you ever felt like you were about to pass out, but didn’t? Yep, a couple times. What was the name of one of your childhood imaginary friends? I didn't have any. What’s your favorite phase of the moon? Full. Do you wish you were richer? I physically refuse to be anything less than stable, hopefully even above that, once I'm independent. We've been poor all my life and it is fuck-ing HARD. It's stressful as a motherfucker and I am done with it. Very. What’s a middle name you like? Quinn. Fits a lot. I planned on giving that middle name to my hypothetical daughter. Are you scared of spiders? y e a h Do you weigh the same as your mom? No. Were you a Mary-Kate and Ashley fan? Like the average 90s/early 2000s kid. Coffee mugs, teacups, or water bottles? Uh, aesthetically? Teacups, probably. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Gum. I like the taste and texture of cotton candy, it is just RIDICULOUSLY sweet. It bothers my sensitive teeth sometimes. Do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles or cups? Cans. They get the coldest. Game you were best at in P.E./gym? Idk, I didn't excel at any. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I'll typically just have a meal replacement shake or a Pop-Tart. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws (gotta be red). Favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? My flip-flops, 'cuz they're easy to just slip on. Ideal weather? Cool but not windy (a light breeze is fine) with a partly-cloudy sky. Obsession from childhood? Webkinz. Favorite crystal? Dragon's breath opal. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Swim or stay the fuck inside. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Taking pictures in the snow. Five songs to describe you? "Get Up" by Mother Mother, "That's What You Get" by Paramore, uhhh... I don't feel like thinking over this any longer. My iPod isn't near me to scan through what I have, so yeah. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's have deep philosophical talks about like the meaning of life 'n shit. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh my god, this is impossible. To name some that come to mind first, in no order: "It's Wednesday, m'dudes *insert mating call*", "I cOUld'vE dROPPED My croiSSANt," "this is why mom doesn't FUCKING LOVE YOU," that one at a club where a girl is doing smoke tricks and the dude just goes "check that out" (or "wow," idr) or something similar (I couldn't find it), and omfg I adore that Snoop Dogg one with the little boy just semi-dancing to that iconic song???? I LOVE IT??????? Man, there are so so many more. Very honorable mention: "a d a m". Ads you have stuck in your head? None, thankfully. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Uhhh maybe Happy Bunny? Idk. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite type of cheese? American. What saying or quote do you live by? There's a lot I've picked up on and cling to. #1 is perhaps "Deal with life, or life deals with you." What are you currently stressed about? Some... things I realized about myself that disgust me. Favorite fairy tale? Shrek is a goddamn fairy tale and I will fight to the death against anyone who claims otherwise. Favorite tradition? I don't really have one anymore, but I remember as a kid, I would NEVER let Mom forget to throw some "reindeer food" outside for them lol. Talent you’re proud of having? One that warrants pride, exactly? Not just random talents? Well, uhhh. I suppose writing. I mean it modestly, I really do, but as a kid, my teachers all the way through high school always thought I was cheating or a parent did my papers at home. Some were only convinced by me writing in the classroom. I don't feel as good about my writing as I did in high school, but I am sill proud of excelling in it and taking writing anywhere seriously. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? I mean, name the game and genre here. Probably like "what the fuck" at like, everything, because I already do that. If you were an anime character, what genre of anime would it be? Like, based on my current life? I dunno. A sad and repetitive one with some bright days to it. Ohhh, and the color scheme and lighting vary with my mental state. Yo that would be dope. Character you relate to? lmao THRALL from WoW for being like "can y'all bastards just chill tf out" until he goes off to an isolated land away from civilization bc he's seen enough shit. Also compelled to help. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? As far as consistent flavors go, normally cherry or grape. Left or right handed? I'm a righty. Favorite potato food? Fries, when I wish they weren't. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Literally just Mom's. Not even mine.
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for once not a post about how depressed I am, but I just have to get this out because I’m so goddamn stressed out lately that I can’t see straight or at all hurrrhurrrr
last week, my idiot stepsister got drunk and beat up one of our neighbors twice her age (it made the news if you want to read/watch and be horrified) and got arrested because of it......only her second time being arrested this year and sixth time in her life, no big deal 8))))))
that night it happened, she walked right the fuck out with all five of her kids here and just got shitfaced next door while stepshit and I were stuck dealing the kids. dumbass stepsister didn’t walk back in the house until 9 the next morning, and then proceeded to nap the whole day.....apparently the neighbors didn’t know the kids were here, and I wish they had cause then none of this would have happened
I wouldn’t give much of a fuck because I hate her guts, but because of this, now we’re stuck watching a bunch of her kids until further notice. for some reason their dad can’t do it, but it’s probably because they all just moved into a house about 45 minutes away and he works and can’t afford babysitters, so the kids just stay with us instead of him finding a sitter or trying to afford daycare, I guess
ANYWAY, we have three of the five kids right now, and two of them are on the older side (6 and 4), so they’re pretty much fine, they’re good at entertaining themselves and playing together
but we’re also stuck with a 9-month old baby and he is the absolute WORST. I’ve never heard a baby that screams and cries and cranks as much as this one does....idk if it’s because he misses his sister (he’s a twin) or his dumbass mom or what, but nothing ever seems to pacify him for very long and it’s stressing everybody out to the point where I don’t think any of us adults in the house have gone a day without bursting into tears
it doesn’t help that my dad works from home and he brings in pretty much the only money the house gets, since stepshit is on disability and I’m just......a complete mess, and he keeps yelling that he’s so far behind on work because of all the demands from these kids, especially the baby
like for a few nights in a row, the baby would start screaming at like 3am and stepshit would be dead asleep so I’d get up to try and do something, but I’m bad with kids so the screaming would wake my dad up and he’d bitch at me to go back to bed alskdjf;lwiejf
everybody in the house is so miserable and I feel so guilty because I always feel like I could be doing more. I try to shut the baby up when I can, I hang out with the older kids when they need something, I do as much housework as I’m able, but it never feels like enough because my dad just constantly screams about how much he hates that baby and how stressed out he is
I’m honestly terrified that sooner rather than later, the stress is going to outright kill him and I don’t know how the hell I’d be able to handle that
and for the cherry on top, apparently my idiot stepsister was able to email my dad on Sunday (apparently they have email in jail now??? and someone mentioned that they also have Netflix?? her dumbass is on fucking vacation!!!). I saw this email, and there was ZERO remorse. no apologies, no nothing, just a list of ~demands~ about the kids (like this one needs to see an eye doctor at THIS place! these two need a dentist!) and about how negativity is a “trigger” for her, like it isn’t for every other goddamn human being in the world!!!!!
this email also mentioned that she might be getting out on December 9th for some reason I can’t remember right now, which will just be fucking great because the holidays are stressful enough without her around
and technically she’s not allowed at our house anymore because the neighbors (rightly) got a restraining order against her, but I wouldn’t put it past the dumbass stepsister to come over anyway and be like “They won’t know I’m here!” especially if the holidays are involved
I’m just so tired and stressed and angry and I don’t even know what. I hate my stepsister with every fiber of my being, I hate that she had a bunch of kids she can’t take care of, I hate that she dumps her problems on other people and claims that nothing is EVER her fault, I hate that everything eventually turns into people arguing when she’s around
I really hope she’s not around on Christmas, because like.....with how stressed out my dad is, who the fuck knows how many more holidays I’ll get to have with him???? hell, who knows how much longer I’ll have with him at this rate at all, because my whole stepfamily is sucking him dry??
it also feels like I’m not allowed to screw up or make any noise or basically exist at all. I’ve always felt like this, but now even moreso....I get that kids obviously need more attention and whatnot, and I don’t fault them for that, but it feels like I basically have to be PERFECT. I can’t make any mistakes, I can’t ask anything, I can’t take up space. I’m basically at the bottom of the list when it comes to priorities, and that includes prioritizing myself. I have no room to breathe or think or do anything
and I feel so fucking guilty when I DO take up space. I feel guilty for living here and not making everybody’s lives easier somehow and for basically doing anything
I fucking hate my stepsister, I hate her whole stupid family and I don’t know how much longer this can last without one of us having a breakdown
this whole post is a mess and I’m sure nobody gives a shit cause nobody knows any of these people, but alskjdflwiejf;lwaiejfa;lweijf;alwiejflkzjdfdsdf
I wish I had the means to run away
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1, 3 and 8 for both your dn fics :D
1. Of the fics you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?
oh this is a good question!!! (ive written a considerable amount of captain america fanfiction, so i have to add that. i think the most polished fic ive ever written is ‘haunted by him’ and the one that meant the most to me at the time of writing was ‘run’ but i also had way too much fun w ‘wtwgm’. however, this is abt dn so ill focus on my dn fics!! it’s too hard to choose from them all anyway LOL)
;alskfdj so ‘an exercise in minute details’ is probably more polished and careful, but ill stay up to all hours of the night writing random future scenes for ‘a means to an end’ so i’ll probably have to say that one!! i feel bad but i have like DOUBLE the word document for ‘a means’ than i do for ‘an exercise’ bc i keep coming up w stupid garbage that i want to see beyond and naomi doing together and i want to really flesh out Able’s story and how they change as a person. (i hope you guys are ready for some SERIOUS twists ;DDDD i want everyone to be just a liiiiiiittle suspicious ) but it’s a HARD tie
3. Which part of [title] was hardest to write?
;alsdkfj ok of ‘an exercise’..... i rly fought w myself abt the scene at the dance club they go to w misa. i needed L and Light to compete at something because that’s part of the basis of their relationship, but I couldn’t figure out what would be the most in character and not look silly. i actually posted one version and then decided i hated it and rewrote it and reposted it again the next morning, which is something i never do
of ‘a means’ probably ;alskdjf some of the scenes coming up, actually. i can’t share too much, but there’s some really emotionally loaded scenes?? and i want to really earn that drama, i don’t want it to come off as melodramatic or silly, i want people to feel the weight of what happens to the characters. so earning it through the build up is something im working on
8. Which came first, the title or the fic?
the fic for both!! i’d written some line that L felt like watching light’s facial expressions was ‘an exercise in minute details’ bc light is such a good liar, but L is so good at reading him anyway, and i thought the line really summed up their relationship.
from there, i wanted beyond and naomi’s fic title to correspond bc the two pieces are actually intertwined in various ways, so i wanted it to sound similar. i’ve used the phrase ‘a means to an end’ once so far in the fic in relation to naomi thinking about how she’s sort of using beyond as ‘a means to an end’ with the end being a temporary escape from her conflicted feelings about her normal life. HOWEVER that isn’t the real reason i chose this title. i haven’t posted yet the original context in which i used that phrase and i can’t share it yet bc of spoilers ;DDDD but hopefully everyone will be shook to death i cannot WAIT for the climax of both of these fics a;ldskfj
thank you so much for asking me!!
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