#i like their little gooble eyes

[spiffyspidr]

I love all of them, so they shall never be unloved

[hannahwatcheshorror]

FRANKENSTEIN (1931)

A feel-good classic horror about a doctor who is absolutely not insane, he just wants to bring a fully undead fellow to life (no big deal). This black & white creature feature might just have you feeling bad for The Monster!

(Trigger warning: child death)

⭐⭐⭐⭐.5

The movie starts out with our man Frankenstein (who is the doctor, not the monster, let’s not get into that argument since it’s right there in the credits) already snatching bodies left and right to stitch together his perfect man (Rocky Horror Picture Show, anyone?). There is a big emphasis on him being proud he created the creature with his own two hands, very much Doc Frank wanting to be a mom so bad (I mean a God (which some moms might find similar)). His fiancée and her little bitch boy, I mean her best friend who is totally in love with her, come along to check on him but end up watching The Monster™ be created and therefore could no longer call Doc Franky-poo crazy (because stealing dead bodies is totally sane).

Anyway, lightning! And bam! Life! Because of ultraviolet rays and the life ray that came from a thunderbolt. Sure. Science. I digress. We finally meet the man of the hour, who is really a man only hours old, and he is ADORABLE. Honestly, he is an enormous being with a child brain and sad eyes. I wanted to protect him the moment he turned around (after walking backwards through the door). AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY they start to torture him because they scare him with fire and our best boy fights back when they lunge on him.

Suddenly chained up in the literal dungeon, The Monster, AKA Green Goobley, is being whipped and scared with fire by Frankenstein's assistant (who has a hump on his back but isn’t named Igor, I guess something was on the Fritz). I don’t even think Green Goobles is a day old at this point but he turns on the assistant and kills him (shocking that he didn’t want to be tortured anymore). Dr. Frankie literally only now thinks to himself, “Maybe I’ve gone too far…” Which is sort of hilarious when you think about it, smart people can be really dumb sometimes.

Frankenstein Sr. and the fiancée (Elizabeth) arrive because their timing is piss poor but they scurry out and think all is well… Until the wedding day and Beth has basically a common sense premonition that things aren’t actually okay at all (and she is right!) Our Green Mister Man is making his way towards the town and he stops by a little girl's house, she offers him flowers which he cautiously accepts. He is delighted by the look and smell, even smiling for what may be the first time in his entire existence but a miscommunication during their playtime leads to him throwing the girl in the water. The girl calls out in distress before she is below the surface for good and our boy is immediately stressed, he doesn’t know what to do, he runs, and it almost seems like he is looking for help but cannot find any. This death triggers the manhunt that will eventually kill The Monster who never wanted to be a monster.

The whole town is looking for him, just like in REVENGE OF THE CREATURE only instead of carrying flashlights they held fiery torches and bellowing hound dogs. The chase led them to a mill where our simple boy turned killer became trapped as they burned the building down around him. The townsfolk were even smart enough to stay behind to make sure he didn’t slip out while they weren’t looking (so we don’t have a HOUSE OF WAX 1953 situation on our hands). Finally you KNOW I gotta call shenanigans for Dr. Frankenstein still being alive at the end of the movie after rag-dolling off of the windmill so viciously BUT it was a cute ending so I’ll give it to them, classic and classy. (“Here’s a jolly good health to Young Frankenstein”)

Underneath that gruff exterior of The Monster was a man who had feelings, something that the good doctor seemed to overlook about his own creation. Our green boy craved input as well as kindness, without it he was just a large body with a criminal's brain that they kept locked in the cellar. It was no wonder the poor man went coo-coo bananas! But really, Frankenstein misunderstood the most incredible thing about his work, which was not just that he created life, but that it was feeling. He allowed his former assistant to torment his “experiment” and it drove him mad quickly. This was a beautiful but tragic movie for our creature as he was just trying to live and understand his new (and often painful) life.

[chysgoda]

(@driftward) Hello hello, Obscure Screenshot Suggestions! I would like to see 🤖 to see them doing or wearing something associated with Garlemald or The Empire, and 🔮 to see them doing or wearing something associated with magic.

They had just a moment before the guards hurried them on to the cells. Minfilia dropped to a knee and clasped one of Bel’s small hands in hers. The little girl looked bewildered. There was a glassy sheen in her eyes that Minfilia knew was from shock. She remembered it the feeling from when her father had been killed by the rampaging gooble.

“Your mother will come. We will be all right.” Minfilia forced conviction into her voice. “The mother crystal will watch over you.”

“She didn’t watch over everyone we left behind.” Bel’s voice was small and confused.

The older woman grimaced and pulled the child into a hug. In her soul she cursed these Garlean invaders into the deepest pits of the seven hells. In her heart she prayed that Hydaelyn would help her niece escape, even if no one else did.

[recurringwriter]

i hate google docs where's the word count where's the word count it should be at the bottom of the document at all times and it should reflect how many words i have selected i shouldn't have to go into a menu or click on a button it should be There at all times

[fahrenheitegg]

HOW THEY'D WRITE A POEM FOR YOU

✻ pairings: luxiem members x gn!reader

✻ synopsis: how each luxiem members would write a poem for you

✻ further notice: n/a

he wanted it to be deep and romantic, but in the end, he could only make up a simple yet sweet words for you

his head was in the clouds while thinking of you and how he'd write you in his poem

he asked himself "what do i think of them?" "what does their smile feel like? their hugs?"

he thought about it for days and has asked for a lot of help

it's for you, after all, so he has to pour all his love and thoughts in it to the point that you'd feel his strong emotions for you

probably stood up late just to complete it

My love, you are a wonder.

Your smiles are like morning dews,

Your laughters are like sunflowers that has bloomed.

You yourself are a walking treasure I'd kill people for.

My beloved treasure.

not a good writer

really

but he wanted to try his best

he asked for mika's help, but mika eventually gave up on him not even half an hour later.

he said he was solely just thinking of you while writing this poem

he wasn't lying at all when he said that

he just wanted you to know how he really feels and what he really wants

and mysta really did put it in the poem.

You is a goddess

You turn me on, effortless

You is sexy

Please fuck me lovingly

this overly romantic demon wants it to be passionate and sweet to the point that your teeth will rot.

he may not be a good writer but he's been around for generations

he want to put in a pinch of vintage type of love letter that would make you feel like you're reading it while drinking tea during the 80's

he asked ike for help, which was a great idea

but he also wanted to add a little bit of him. a little bit of flirt in the poem.

For hundreds of years, I've been living

I can guarantee, shame is what your beauty brings to all paintings

You would always light my world on fire

And you'd always flame up my inner most carnal desire

After you read this poem, maybe a night of heat won't hurt

I'll take care of you, my lady, until both our souls are burnt

nauurr he's not good at writing, especially poems

but he'll try. if it's for you, he must do his best! it'll be worth it!

since it's really not his forte, shu would just come up with the most most most simple, straightforward, uncomplicated yet candied and adorable loving words

or he would try making it a little comedic so it would be less boring

also, so he could see you laugh and giggle

oh, how he loves it when you laugh and giggle

roses are red,

violets ain't blue (they're purple srsly)

you are my sweet cheeks,

and i just want to gooble you up like food

hehe i love you

this man writes every day, what do you expect?

you are this man's muse!

most of his books are inspired by you

made and published, because of you!

you're just always the perfect subject for his work

because you and literature? both a work of art.

the skies have always been our haven

everything on it just reminds me of you.

the stars reminds me of your eyes,

the moon reminds me of your beauty

if only i could catch them all for you, i would've.

until i remember

i realized i had them all along.

Masterlist

[phantomofthepairofdice]

The Rosscars 2020

Wow. It’s that time of year again, only this time it’s different because it’s on a blog that no one will read! (hold for applause) Welcome to the first annual online publication for the Rosscars (hold for applause while the reader acknowledges how positively droll it is that I combined my name with “Oscars”). Who can forget such indelible Rosscar memories like when Steven Soderbergh surprised us all and won Best Director for Out of Sight or Bill Irwin’s beautiful speech upon winning Best Supporting Actor for Rachel Getting Married?! The Rosscars mean something different to everyone, but we all know that they mean quality choices made by a committee of one schmuck. This year’s Rosscars are bizarre because in an effort to be more like the Academy guidelines, film’s nominated have been released between January 1, 2020 and February 28, 2021. As usual, theatrical windows be damned, streamers are welcome. Of course, I have my gripes. I like categorizing movies by release year – specifically, when they become available to the plain old public like yours truly – not at festivals, limited runs in NYC and LA. Well, the Oscars are still weeks away and I feel like everybody wants to forget about last year and move onto this one that we’re already three months into - So here are my awards for the films, performers, and craftspeople that stood out in a pretty exceptional year for movies even though distribution was stranger than ever. 

**A few caveats and guidelines to Rosscar newcomers (which I imagine is just a formality since we all know the Rosscars so well)**

The rules and categories are a little different around here. First, not every category is honored directly. That’s for a few reasons, chiefly that I don’t feel qualified to reward the technical categories properly – I suppose I should say that I feel less qualified to do so than the “above the line” categories. In keeping with the Academy standard, there are five nominees in each category, except for Best Picture, Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature, and Best Ensemble Cast which allow up to ten. Every category, save those three, will have the possibility of honorable mentions, because I want to highlight some things that just barely missed the cut. The narrowing down of a lot of these categories was awfully tough.

Nominees are listed alphabetically, and the winners are in bold and italics.

Also, it’s important to keep in mind that I couldn’t see everything (this isn’t a job and it’s still $20 to rent The Father, y’all) and that these are just the opinions of one (self-described) “bozo on the internet.” If you’re a reader and have different picks, feel free to share!

Special Commendations for some things that I want to recognize: • Ludwig Goransson for his Tenet score which is an absolute banger • The costumes of Emma. (Alexandra Byrne), Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (Ann Roth), and Small Axe (Jaqueline Durran, Sinéad Kidao, and Lisa Duncan) all struck me as exceptional • Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross with their scores for both Soul and Mank. Crazy that Pixar is working with the guy who made “Closer” • The cinematography of Da 5 Bloods (Newton Thomas Sigel), First Cow (Christopher Blauvelt), Beanpole (Kseniya Sereda), and A White, White Day (Maria von Hausswolff)

The Rosscars red carpet was, as usual, a bizarre affair. People filed into the theater and it seemed like the only encounters were awkward ones. Vin Diesel showed up in character as Bloodshot, Aaron Sorkin started getting really verbose about what a lovely night it was, and it became clear that most of the celebrities in attendance didn’t read their invitations closely enough to realize that this was not, in fact, the Academy Awards.

Everyone’s seated, and the show is under way. After a medley about the nominees this year by Common and Seth McFarlane that was more corny but clever than it was funny, the first official category is here, and the presenter is none other than... Ross!

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Chadwick Boseman for Da 5 Bloods

2. Matthew Macfadyen for The Assistant

3. Jesse Plemmons for Judas and the Black Messiah

4. Paul Raci for Sound of Metal

5. Glynn Turman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Honorable Mentions:

• Lucas Hedges for Let Them All Talk

• Orion Lee for First Cow

• Bill Murray for On the Rocks

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Vanessa Bayer for Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

2. Candice Bergen for Let Them All Talk

3. Gina Rodriguez for Kajillionaire

4. Amanda Seyfried for Mank

5. Yuon Yuh-jung for Minari

Honorable Mentions:

• Jane Adams for She Dies Tomorrow

• Charin Alvarez for Saint Frances

• Talia Ryder for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Debra Winger for Kajillionaire

Everyone loves a montage. The audience gets comfortable in their seats as the video screens start to show a montage of some of the most famous moments from Hollywood’s most magical movies. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers waltz, gliding across a dance floor like two hovering angels. There’s a clip of Leo declaring himself king of the world in Titanic, the flying bicycles in ET, Bogart stares longingly into Bacall’s eyes, and then there’s some scene where Tom Cruise rides a motorcycle from 2010′s Knight and Day. The audience all seems confused how that last one got in there. The John Williams music swells as little Kevin McAllister screams when puts on aftershave. We see clips of Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia embrace Harrison Ford’s Han Solo, Bruce Lee smoothly declares that boards don’t hit back and... wait... was that a clip from Michel Gondry’s Green Hornet with Seth Rogen? And that’s a clip from What Happens in Vegas... Bad Teacher... Vanilla Sky... Shrek 2... Any Given Sunday... Everyone is flummoxed. The last clip fades out and a sole editing credit appears: Cameron Diaz. The lights come up and there’s some applause, but mostly confused murmurs. 

The ceremony has had a bit of a misstep, but nothing it can’t recover from, especially as the next category is announced over the PA, and it looks like the presenter is... Ross!

Best Ensemble Cast:

1. Bacurau

2. Da 5 Bloods 

3. Kajillionaire

4. Let Them All Talk

5. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

6. Minari

7. Nomadland

8. Pieces of a Woman

9. Small Axe

Best Original Screenplay:

1. Danny Bilson and Paul Dameo & Spike Lee and Kevin Wilmott for Da 5 Bloods

2. Lee Isaac Chung for Minari

3. Brandon Cronenberg for Possessor

4. Sean Durkin for The Nest

5. Kleber Mendonça Filho and Juliano Dornelles for Bacurau

Honorable Mentions – a very difficult task to weed this down to five.

• Shaka King and Will Berson for Judas and the Black Messiah, from a story by Kenny and Keith Lucas

• Steve McQueen, Alastair Siddons, and Courttia Newland for Small Axe

• Kelly O'Sullivan for Saint Frances

• Thomas Vinterberg and Tobias Lindholm for Another Round

Best Actor:

1. Ben Affleck for The Way Back

2. Chadwick Boseman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

3. Delroy Lindo for Da 5 Bloods

4. John Magaro for First Cow

5. Mads Mikkelsen for Another Round

Honorable Mentions:

• Riz Ahmed for Sound of Metal

• John Boyega for Small Axe

• Daniel Kaluuya for Judas and the Black Messiah

• Hugh Jackman for Bad Education

• Ingvar Eggert Sigurðsson for A White, White Day

We have a break in the action and it looks like Darius Rucker has showed up to perform what he would have nominated for Best Original Song. The crowd is absolutely furious as he starts playing a song that apparently was in Trial of the Chicago Seven. An ocean of sonorous boos and curses overtakes the the once docile crowd. The Rock just ripped his chair from out of the ground. Jane Lynch somehow smuggled in a civil war era flintlock pistol that she’s now pointing at the stage! Suddenly, the crowd unifies around what started as a confident chant of one lone audience member - John C Reilly. It’s growing... Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong - it’s like the macabre circus performers from Tod Browning’s Freaks, but instead of chanting “Gooble Gobble” they’re clearly pining for Darius to change his tune to the silly and delightful jam from Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga. Darius, scared for his life, leaves the stage, but here come Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams to deliver the goods. Busy Philips and Michelle Williams burst into tears. Tom Hanks nods in approval. A segment saved by brave artists placating a toxic group of fans... we’ve just witnessed a live version of the Snyder Cut, folks.

Jack Nicholson seems completely unfazed, giving a thumbs up to the camera and blowing a kiss to the next presenter. Coming to the stage is... Ross... again...

Best Actress:

1. Jessie Buckley for i’m thinking of ending things

2. Carrie Coon for The Nest

3. Han Ye-ri for Minari

4. Sidney Flanagan for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

5. Vasilisa Perelygina for Beanpole

Honorable Mentions – these cuts were especially painful

• Haley Bennet for Swallow

• Morfydd Clark for Saint Maud

• Frances McDormand for Nomadland

• Christin Milioti for Palm Springs

• Geraldine Viswanathan for Bad Education

Best Adapted Screenplay:

1. Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things from Iain Reed's novel

2. Sarah Gubbins for Shirley from Susan Scarf Merrell's novel

3. Kelly Reichardt and John Raymond for First Cow

4. Simon Rich for American Pickle from his short story "Sell Out"

5. Mike Makowsky for Bad Education from Robert Kolker's "The Bad Superintendent"

Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature:

1. Boys State

2. Collective

3. David Byrne’s American Utopia

4. Dick Johnson is Dead

5. Feels Good Man

6. In & Of Itself

7. The Painter and the Thief

8. Time

Jimmy Fallon has come out on stage to do a bit about the pandemic and watching movies at home. People are just absolutely not having it. He tries not to laugh at his own jokes while doing what I guess is technically a pretty good impression of Dr. Fauci interviewing James Corden as Martin Scorsese (the less said of this impression, the better) on what is or isn’t cinema. The bit doesn’t track and Fallon is absolutely tanking. The producers cut away from the stage to spare the viewers at home from this monstrosity. We see crowd shots of Millie Bobby Brown shaking her head in dismay, Colin Firth is simultaneously grimacing and trying to stave off laughter, Cynthia Erivo is texting, and director Tom Hooper is taking notes for his next film. Corden yells, “Carpool Karaoke! Remember?!” Ron Howard has fainted. This thing is almost completely off the rails.

Coming back to the stage is the next presenter, a clearly embarrassed... Ross! He’s in a total flop sweat, but stumbles his way through a joke about how Fallon should try co-hosting the Oscars with James Franco sometime. There are scant chuckles throughout a crowd that mostly just wants to see who won and go home.

Best Director:

1. Christopher Nolan for Tenet

2. Spike Lee for Da 5 Bloods

3. Steve McQueen for Small Axe

4. Kelly Reichardt for First Cow

5. Chloé Zhao for Nomadland

Honorable Mentions:

• Kitty Green for The Assistant

• Eliza Hittman for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things

• Thomas Vinterberg for Another Round

Best Picture

1. Bacurau

2. Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

3. Da 5 Bloods

4. First Cow

5. i'm thinking of ending things

6. Judas and the Black Messiah

7. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

8. Nomadland

9. Small Axe

10. Tenet

Accepting the award for best picture is none other than Eve, the cow actor who played the titular First Cow! The audience is enamored with how graceful she looks in her cow gown, and her speech, though indecipherable, is likely simple, observational, and deeply profound for those who speak cow.

Wow, what a ceremony! Hearts were broken, property was damaged, dreams were fulfilled... blood was shed? Damn it, Meryl Streep came in and mugged Charlie Kaufman before absconding with the trophy. Oddly, she’s a previous winner, so the attack isn’t out of need for hardware. People are reading through articles about production on Adaptation for potential motives. Streep made time for a photo opportunity, but remains at large.

I could go on ad infinitum about all of these nominees and winners themselves and why they did or didn’t make the cut, but that’d be better served in a different piece. For now, my thoughts on most of these can be found on the Best of 2020 write-up and over on my Letterboxd. And, as always, these awards can be revoked and redistributed at will, so don’t get too cozy with that statue, Danny Bilson!

On behalf of the RAOGL (Rosscars Association of One Guy at a Laptop), thanks for reading, and stay tuned as we’re establishing a tip line for anyone has seen Ms. Streep or her stolen valor Rosscar. We’ll see you next year. Keep watching movies, and keep arbitrarily quantifying them in terms of subjective quality!

[failedmcspectations]

Ideal

Tim finishes inside me and gives that stupid look he always does. He brushes my hair back and smiles at me like we’re in some kind of movie. He crawls off of me and immediately goes to work on rolling a “cigarillo”, pompous ass. I’m still horny but I’m not going to bother for anything further, I never do. I just stare up at the sky. When I was a kid I used to read online erotica written by virgins and they always claimed you could feel it inside you; they’d say it was warm, or cold, some even said you could feel the little goobles crawling around in you. I’m glad in reality you feel nothing.

I watch him drag his tongue across the rolling paper. Wet. Firm. Rough. He lights up and immediately begins talking, as if nothing had just happened. Of course, about himself and whatever fucking movie he thinks he’s going to make. Pretentious and arrogant, so shallow, daft. I can’t help but look at the way his skin wrinkles under the weight of those stupid horn-rimmed glasses. My eyes drift past his mouth, wagging his tongue as he spews self-assured rhetoric, those sharp cuspids that chewed on me not moments ago bouncing up and down like the wooden teeth on a ventriloquist doll. Down to his strong forearms that left my body so dripping with want, that always pulled me tight, a cage. What told me I wanted that so much?

He passes me the cigarillo, I oblige and breathe in, filling up every capillary with burning nicotine tetrahedrons. I nod along to his rambling, doe-eyed. He’s not even looking, why am I bothering with this charade? I certainly don’t want him. He’s a painful shape, all stakes and knives and lances and heat. But I don’t get a choice, do I? I shake whenever he touches me, all the stabbing and boiling. I let him roll over me, vomit up all his menace and cowardice and spite inside me not because I want it, but because this incessant, beating heart does, every shameful, fibrous twinge of this body does. The only motivating hope I have is the want to be experienced, really truly known; the abject disappointment is that he only ever experiences a corpse. I hand back the cigarillo to Tim.

I read somewhere that this world isn’t real. God just wanted so horribly to be experienced that He dreamt rocks, and then He dreamt up Cain and Abel so he could beat something with them. He dreamt the rest of us walking around the corpse He doesn’t have, picking at the scabs of His replete imagination, all of us crawling around in Him. And in a way, He’s crawling around in us, painting Himself in animal hides and nailing Himself to crosses to feel some electric-shock daydream of needles and fire and nausea and sex. So it’s all just carbon strands and quantum foam in fine, tough braids, pretending to feel the jolt just to slake some boredom and relieve Himself of His own addled consciousness and the neverending type-ribbon of His own inner monologue.

I grab the cigarillo from Tim and plunge it into my arm. I thought maybe I’d feel that self-same God-ghost underneath scream out under the hammer and heat direct from the artisan’s forge, or at the very least the crackled unraveling of my short-fuse skin. Nothing. Tim smiles that wretched smile at me and asks if I’ve ever heard of wax play. Film majors.

[fortey]

Traumatized by Horror

Maybe this will be fun for someone.  This is my draft of an article I wrote recently.  This is pre-editing, as I submitted it.  You can find the published version right here.  Just an interesting contrast between what I write and what gets published.  Sometimes you get edited a lot, sometimes you get edited a little.  But if you’re interested in the creative process at all and how publishing works sometimes, it’s a nice comparison.  

There’s probably all kinds of psychology behind why people enjoy watching horror movies that range from things like the adrenaline rush you get from being scared to the fact that the Leprechaun is clearly awesome.  That’s all fine and dandy like sour candy except for when horror goes a little beyond the usual thrill and maybe wonks your brain six ways from Sunday. Because those kind of shenanigans actually happen now and then - sometimes people get so traumatized by horror they have to get medical professionals involved.

127 Hours Grossed Out Audiences En Masse

Some might argue that 127 Hours isn’t a horror movie at all, but it does star James Franco and you can’t spell “James Franco is terrifying” without James Franco, so let’s not speak of it again.  In the movie 127 Hours, there’s an extremely disturbing scene in which Franco, realizing Seth Rogen is nowhere to be seen, has to take matters into his own hands and save himself by performing an impromptu field amputation of his own arm with a Swiss Army knife.  This scene was at least as disturbing as Franco’s entire performance in Why Him?

The cutting scene lasts for about 3 minutes but it’s a bloody, intense, Francoscream-filled endurance test for the audience and some audience members were not able to withstand it. In fact, there’s a remarkable list of audiences who suffered a number of side effects which in some cases may have been hammed up a little since they couldn’t be confirmed, but others were making the whole ordeal sound like 127 Hours was used to punish people Clockwork Orange style.

A reviewer who saw the film at the Toronto International Film Festival mentions 3 people passed out and one had a seizure during the movie and goes out of their way to express they didn’t think it was a PR stunt as some people suggested - the audience was genuinely grossed out by the scene and had maybe never seen movies before.  Weird one to pick for their first try.

History repeated itself when the director of Toy Story 3 had a private screening of the movie and two more people passed out.  Did Buzz and Woody steal their wallets and take compromising photos while they were out?  We can only assume.

The editor of Vanity Fair held a screening with Franco and the director on hand.  People reportedly wept during at that one and, yeah, another dude went face down, ass up over it.

Movieline actually put together an entire timeline of people losing their shit over the movie. Some are given the side-eye treatment, suggesting maybe a few of these were played up to hype the movie given all the other stories of people passing out, but enough of them were legit that it’s safe to assume if you want the family to leave the house quick after Thanksgiving this year while still being able to pretend you weren’t doing it on purpose, this is the movie you want to put on.

Freaks Was Accused of Causing a Miscarriage

Have you ever seen the movie Freaks from 1932? It’s one of the earliest most controversial horror films and is famous for this completely baffling scene;

To this day, I won’t agree to anything during a work meeting without chanting “I accept it! I accept it! Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble!”  That went over like gangbusters when I was asked to start wearing pants again.

Back in 1932, a movie about murderous circus people was pretty cutting edge and, if we’re being honest, it still is.  No one would make this movie today because those actors all were actual circus performers and modern audiences tend to frown on exploiting people by calling them freaks. To fully appreciate just how well this movie went over when it premiered though, you just need to dig into the lore around it.  While it seems to have ruined the career of the director, it had much more harrowing repercussions in the real world where one woman claimed to have had a miscarriage while watching a test screening. She threatened to sue the studio and their response was to recut the movie to make it less horrifying. Try to imagine that working today.

The newer version of the film had fewer murderous scenes and also got rid of a castration because that was a thing that someone thought was necessary to film in the first place.  Word is those scenes are lost for all time, so if you ever wanted to see a circus strongman get his dong cut off, you’re going to have to wait for that episode of Big Bang Theory like the rest of us.

The Exorcist Straight Up Ruined People

If you haven’t seen the Exorcist then your mother and I are extremely disappointed in you.  Please go watch it immediately. It came out in 1973 and it still holds up as an amazing and effective horror movie and the reason so many of us masturbate with crucifixes.  The story and the acting really produce an undeniable sense of dread and terror that forces you to make sure the blanket covers your feet at night because the monsters can’t touch your ankles if they’re covered, and that’s a rule. It also seriously fucked up a whole bunch of people.

Any time a movie causes someone’s heart to malfunction, and not in that “three sizes bigger” Grinch way, it’s pretty noteworthy. A New York Times article from January 1974 recounts people standing in massive lines to get into the theater to see the film, with scalpers selling tickets for upwards of $50 which is ironically what it costs to get a drink, popcorn and a movie ticket for IMAX today.  It also mentions the number of people who vomited while watching the movie, and some who walked out, or fainted.  And then, apparently, several people had heart attacks.

Is it possible the stories of heart attacks is just someone blowing pea soup up our asses? Maybe.  In the pre-internet world all kinds of shit happened without people idly filming it on their phones in the hopes the suffering of a stranger would make them go viral. But the influence of The Exorcist does go beyond the mass pukings and odd heart attack.

If you’ve never heard the term cinematic neurosis then welcome to your crash course.  It’s what a psychologist might call the phenomenon of a patient developing anxiety, dissociation and potentially psychotic symptoms because of a movie, requiring the intervention of a mental health professional to overcome.  There’s a study that mentions a case caused by Jaws, one by Invasion of the Body Snatchers and 5 separate incidents caused by The Exorcist because a pre-teen girl whose head spins is always slightly more disturbing than pod people and Richard Dreyfuss.

Patients affected by The Exorcist suffered insomnia, panic attacks, PTSD and more. One had dreams about the Devil with a dick in his mouth.  And sure, we all have dreams about the Devil or Elmer Fudd or whomever with a dick in their mouth sometimes, but this was to the point that the person needed psychotherapy to deal with it, so you can assume that was a hell of a devil dick.

Dracula and Eyes without a Face Caused Mass Faintings

To the best of my knowledge I have never fainted. Once I drank so much at a party in college that I woke up in the parking lot of a bagel deli next to an exceptionally large pool of drool, but I don’t think that’s the same thing. I can say for certain no horror movie has ever made me faint though, because of my robust constitution.  And maybe that’s a product of the times because back in the day, people were dropping like flies watching movies like Eyes Without a Face and Dracula.  

In 1928, Dracula starring Bela Lugosi was like if Hereditary and The Exorcist humped and had a baby with a remarkably distinct hairline. That shit scared the bejeezus out of people and in 1928, it was very hard to replace bejeezus. The San Francisco Chronicle talked about a nurse on hand with smelling salts to help handle an average of 14 faintings per night.  Now the movie-makers of 1928 weren’t above maybe hiring some people to engage in a little bullshittery to help hype a movie but there’s not any indication that these faintings were not legit either. In fact. Lugosi played Dracula on stage before playing the role on film, and 110 faintings were reported in the first week of the theater production.  His accent was that good.

In 1960, the French film Eyes Without a Face busted out a repeat performance of the Dracula phenomenon by making audience members buckle like belts thanks to one particular scene involving a face transplant which was a little much for 1960s sensibilities. It’s about 6 solid minutes of screentime featuring a doctor just cutting a face off and peeling it away like a goddamn banana.  You’d probably snicker at the effects today but back in 1960 people were all made of cotton candy and golly gosh so this probably hit people like a bag of grapefruits to the groin. Seven audience members fainted during the film’s showing at the Edinburgh Film Festival, and those were Scots, for God’s sake.  They eat haggis on purpose there.  

It’s worth noting that faintings not strictly limited to impressionable audiences of yesteryear, either.  Four audience members fainted during a showing of Lars Von Trier’s Antichrist in 2009, possible because they saw Willem Dafoe’s dong.  In 2016, EMS had to be called to a Toronto showing of Raw when a person fainted, because some people still aren’t down with cannibalism.

Ghostwatch Was the Worst Idea the BBC Ever Had

There’s a good chance you’ve never heard of Ghostwatch as it originally aired on the BBC in 1992 and 1992 British TV was the entertainment equivalent of a bag of scones to the jimmies. All you need to know about the show is that it aired at 9 PM, it featured recognizable TV personalities (if you’re British) and it was filmed like a typical live broadcast investigative TV show.  If you’ve ever watched Live PD, the format would be very familiar - in studio host talking to people out on the scene.  The on-scene hosts were at a particular home alleged to be haunted, investigating the claims and more or less mocking the idea.  Or so it seemed!  

The show was presented as a real documentary like so many current ghost hunting shows are, but this was well before that era.  This was new, and early enough in the evening that families were watching it with the kids.  And remember, it was 1992 in Britain so you probably could either watch this or some guy painting cricket balls on TV that night.

As the show progressed, the tenor went from goofy “this is a bullshit waste of time” to something more menacing.  Calls from viewers, which were actually fake but no one knew that at the time, began to incorporate elements from the “real” haunting that was being presented on the show. People professed to have had similar experiences with a ghost knocking on their pipes and shit started going down on camera until the studio went full apocalyptic ghostsplosion.  One of the hosts gets dragged off and presumably ghost murdered and the studio lights explode as the main host gets possessed on camera and threatens to rain holy hell down on the viewing audience before the how cuts out.  Sounds kind of cool, right?  Well, the 30,000 people who called the BBC within an hour didn’t think so.  And that was the least of their problems.

11 million people watched Ghostwatch and it fucked them up royally.  It went from silly  to disturbing very quickly, however, when an 18-year old boy with some learning difficulties who watched the broadcast committed suicide days later.  His parents said he had been obsessed with the broadcast and believed the same ghost haunted their house.  He left a note saying that if ghosts are real, then he’ll be with them “always as a ghost.”