#i like the idea of jake having no idea how to punish kids but remembering something about time outs

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

I've had this thought for a while that Neteyam was like, a justice warrior as a child. He's always taking the blame for Lo'ak and he's so up in his siblings business at all times. I think that would've manifested as much much more annoying when he was a child. I think Neteyam could totally be a little shit in his relentless quest to do what's right. Here is what I mean:

-The first time it happened, Jake was scolding Kiri for wandering off after a bug when his back was turned, causing him to have a full like two minutes of panic where he thought he'd have to tell Neytiri he lost a child. She was located fairly quickly after, but Jake was full of terrified parental adrenaline and insisted to little Kiri rather forcefully that she never do that again. Neteyam, who had been helping him look, then said "It wasn't her fault, don't yell at her." To which Jake (who really wasn't yelling) found himself trying to genuinely reason with two toddlers that the rules were in place for their safety. When Neteyam understands the purpose for the rule, he backs off and respects it. This remains true; once he gets it he follows it.

-Neteyam's insistence for justice knows no bounds. One time Jake saw Spider hit Lo'ak in the head with a spoon and instituted Spider's personal 'table-Lo'ak-can't-climb-up-on' time out all the while ignoring Neteyam's outraged arguing that he was being completely unfair because Jake was directly ignoring that Lo'ak had tripped Spider before the spoon incident and Jake was always playing favorites. Jake had not SEEN the tripping, and it didn't excuse the spoon thing.

-It's literally so hard not to argue with Neteyam sometimes. Neytiri is better at it because she had more experience with kids than Jake, but even she falls victim to it sometimes. He just literally refuses to mind his own business in all situations. That and 'worry about your own self' are human phrases that have become almost more common than any Na'vi one in their house. "Sempu, Kiri is trying to sneak a piece of fruit after you told her not to-" "Neteyam, mind your own business." "But you said she can't have any yet!"

-One time Spider told Lo'ak that he could borrow his datapad that Norm gave him for his lessons. Lo'ak insisted Spider said he could have it forever. No one was quite sure exactly what the truth was, but all hell broke loose when Spider took it back, causing Lo'ak (and Justice Warrior Neteyam) to insist he stole it. Jake told Lo'ak to leave it, as Spider can't steal what he owns, obviously. Cue Neteyam being ten times more outraged on Lo'ak's behalf than Lo'ak even was. This time when Jake tells him to mind his own business Neteyam says "well, you aren't!" Jake struggles, he reboots, and when he's back online he says to his eight year old son, "I didn't think I had to explain what was different between me and you here."

-Regularly Neteyam is not involved in a situation but will get put in a time out as well because he wouldn't let it go. Sometimes though, he can be talked down. If you get on his level and explain the rules and why someone is in trouble clearly, he's usually chill.

[dirtytransmasc]

Spider can't connect and see Neteyam again like the others.

I can just imagine how badly that hurts him, the permanence of it.

I can see the kids bringing Spider out to the Metkayina's tree of souls and him just...floating there most of the time. Sometimes he swims down and will hold himself there, watching the tree. Thankfully the mask allows him to stay down for a decent amount of time.

It'll become a routine, the sully kids + Tsireya, Ao'nung, and Rotxo bringing Spider out and taking turns throughout the day sitting with him.

The adults will notice eventually, but I am not sure on their reactions though I think it would all hit them pretty hard when they remember that Spider can't connect.

god thats so eerily correct and depressing.

he'd just sit there, for hours and hours, begging for forgiveness, crying, mourning. he knows quaritch would have never hurt him, neteyam didn't have to go back for him, he never had to die. he knows going back for quaritch was wrong, he hopes his brother knows why, knows what spider himself has yet to figure out.

he begs eywa to give him a way to connect, a dream, a vision. to kill him if that's what it will take to see his brother again, to get to say goodbye to say he was sorry.

I think jake and neytirir would be at a loss as to what to do with him. spider refuses to be moved most of the time and when they do get I'm out of the water he disappears for hours, avoiding everyone.

tying into my ronal adoption au (cause its one of the few things my brain has let me have a coherent thought about recently) the idea of tsireya and ao'nung going to him specifically makes me ache with something vicious. they see their new baby brother, hurting, grieving, longing for something he may ever have and they can do nothing but watch, maybe hold him if they're lucky (I feel like he would try and throw them off, throw everyone off, deny himself of any comforts). ronal and tonowari would try and help, they would try and keep him within their hut when they finally get him out of the water, but its no use because he is determined to make himself pay for his brothers death. I personally relate to this type of loss, when I couldn't make up to a passed family member, when I couldn't connect with them as I hoped after they passed, I took it as a sign I was unworthy of it, so I put more blame then necessary and punished myself subsequently; that seems like a very spider thing to do.

I don't know, just the image of him floating in the water, paralleling lo'ak at the funeral, for hours at a time, maybe reaching for the tree or screaming within his mask. its so off putting and just depressing. it's like the ultimate representation of grief. it makes me feel so horrible, especially cause I relate to that feeling. throw his family in the mix, old and new, all equally desperate to help, but completely out of their depths on it.

[cheegu3]

I've been gone for a while and came back to realize I hadn't finished The Glory your enha series. I was up until 4 am reading it. I want to say that you are a fucking great writer. Idk if I mentioned it before, but the fact that you didn't (idk if you do now) stan enhypen but took the time to research and analyze their content to gwt an idea of the type of yandere/bully they'd be is just..omg the best. I'm sad it's over, but loved things that most people mentioned, Luke her sticking to getting her revenge, not letting the horrible things that happened to her make her lose her compassion and ultimately gave Jake another chance, the dynamic of certain bullies in the group, her closeness with Soobin. Jake was starting to change because the fact that he went to the house to try to help her despite Jungwon almost killing him says a lot, the way Jungwon seemed like a good guy because he protected her from heejake's advances. You had us all on edge waiting, wondering and questioning. I loved that Yeonjun was underestimated, but I was wondering what he was up to, and it turned out that he was working to take them down. I had to remember that they were just spoiled, maybe bored high-school kids seeking attention and possibly more. The fact that their parents were rich and powerful could make one think they were untouchable but not the case. I'm glad they were punished in the way that would be realistic and that she had her happy ending.

ahhh omg this was so sweet and fun to read, thank you so so much & thank u for ur support and love of the series 🤍🤍😭

I'm so happy you liked it and appreciated the things that you mentioned, u 100% understood my brain which is fascinating and fun :D

I was always very excited when writing these chapters to see how others interpreted things and what were their favorite bits when reading the end, and people did not disappoint! ✨✨🤩🫶🏻

It makes me happy to see that pretty much everything I wanted to convey hit the mark for my lovely readers and they understood why I wrote/planned things in a certain way and also the ending being the way it was, as u said c:

I'm also a little sad that it has ended, but maybe smth similar will pop up in the future, since I definitely miss having a weekly updated series 👀

tysm again sweetheart <333 I was smiling like an idiot when reading this, love youuuu 💗💗

[hecckyeah]

Okay I saw your fic behind the scenes ask game and I MUST know behind the scenes info for "So A Crazy Thing Happened At The Terra Bella Lodge"

Oh my GOSH I'm so excited to tell you all of it!!!!

First, obligatory link to said fic in case someone would like to read it! (But be warned-- I spoil everything below)

A couple of fun facts:

I can't remember for the life of me what exactly spurred this idea, but it's heavily influenced by Leverage and some of the more bottle-like episodes they've done. Very heist-y origins! Although I wish I was better at writing heists, because a Brooklyn 99/The Rookie heist would be the crossover fic of the century.

I spent roughly 15 entire hours watching episodes of Brooklyn 99 and clips of Jake and Amy so I could get their voices in my head, since I'd been on a Rookie spree and all I was hearing was Tim and Lucy, and while they're similar in some ways I needed to remember how to write Peraltiago! Pretty sure I've watched every single b99 clip that exists on Youtube

The inspiration for the Terra Bella Mountain Lodge is actually a real place!! It's a wedding venue in Estes Park, CO called the Della Terra Mountain Chateau. I've sadly never been there but it looked GORGEOUS, and if I ever get married, it'll be on my top 5 venue options for sure

I tossed around the idea of whether or not to have Jake and Amy's kids there with them, since it's kind of a romantic spot, but I opted for my own enjoyment of getting to write the kids instead of being realistic and keeping them in New York with Jake's mom or something

I listened to basically nothing except this chenford playlist I made, the whole time. music on repeat is very effective for my writing brain :)))

I had a couple deleted scenes where Jake and Amy solve the whole case from the minivan, then Tim goes and busts Lucy out by fistfighting 3 guards at once in a superhuman throwdown brawl, but I went back and added those scenes where Lucy saves herself like the queen she is since she was feeling a little too Damsel-in-Distress and not enough Badass Officer (Detective) Chen, and I'm SO glad I did. It's a better story for the grandkids ;)

Also, in previous drafts Raymond Reeves WAS the villain. I was planning him as the thief who wanted to steal some diamonds or something, but it just wasn't gelling with my brain. I think I rewrote all the scenes with him and Marcia about 27 times before I was happy with it.

SPEAKING OF THAT DUDE!!! This is one of my favorite BTS tidbits :))) Raymond Reeves' backstory is that he has about 10 aliases that he uses and for ALL of them, the initials are S.K. -- Sanford Kain, Silas Kearney . . . Because S.K. stands for Serial Killer. He was so guilty about what he did to his brother-in-law, that he purposefully branded himself forever, subconsciously hoping someone would put the pieces together and he'd finally be arrested and punished for his crime.

Vesa Wescott was always going to be in on the crime from the beginning, I just didn't decide exactly how until Ronan Reeves came into the picture :)

This is very easily the first fic I've fully drafted out from beginning to end, and it STILL changed along the way!

I threw around the idea of Lucy going into preterm labor during the snowstorm, but figured that was kind of cliche and scary and unnecessary, and I'd rather have her working the case with Jake and Amy than anything else.

Oh, and Tim absolutely breaks his no-Disneyland rule for the Peraltiago fam :))) But given that I've never been to Disneyland and have no idea what it's like, I don't feel qualified to write that fic . . . Maybe someday!!

So yeah, there you have it!! I hope you enjoyed this episode of behind the fic with yours truly 😄

[ask me about a fic!]

[semper-legens]

171. The Sleepwalker, by Robert Muchamore

Owned: No, library Page count: 312 My summary: A plane breaks up in the air, plunging into the ocean with no survivors. The government is quick to suspect the worst, looking into terrorist links. And in the midst of it all, they get a phone call from a scared boy, alleging that his father had something to do with it. Now Lauren Adams is deputised to find out exactly what this kid knows, and quickly. They won't have the clearance to follow this hunch for long. My rating: 3/5 My commentary:

I've gotten my hands on the final four CHERUB books as a job lot, so expect them to come at a bit of a faster rate until I'm completely done with them. That said, more CHERUB! I'm amazed that I still remember this series as well as I do. Like I've been saying as I go through them, I'm finding them a lot less easy to enjoy than I did when I was a teenager, both for normal and unavoidable reasons (I'm an adult, these books are not aimed at me anymore) and for more troubling ones (the simplistic explanations of complex morality questions, the casual bigotry on display). Nonetheless, I still think that this idea of a teen spy network is interesting enough to warrant these books' existence. The problem is in the execution, not the idea, which means there's still enough here that's interesting to me that I can carry on with it. So, let's get into the Sleepwalker.

Unusually, this is a book that's about Lauren. She has the A plot, while James is stuck in a B plot that doesn't really go anywhere. (More on that in a bit.) Unfortunately, this isn't really the most riveting of CHERUB missions. Lauren and Jake are going in to talk to Fahim and get more detail about what he knows, but they're not really in deep cover - they're literally just going to ask him. Lauren gets to show off a cool head and just why she's one of the youngest black shirts ever. She's composed, makes good decisions, is ethical, and generally has a good head on her shoulders; this in contrast to Jake, who makes some serious schoolboy errors on the mission. But it's not as action packed as James' missions, or the past missions where we've seen Lauren deployed. It is good to see Lauren showing the maturity to get put back as senior agent on missions again after her misconduct punishments, but this one was sort of underwhelming for me.

James, meanwhile, is doing work experience in a fast food place. The premise here just felt contrived - the conflict is that other kids have gotten the more vaunted positions, so James is stuck at the fast food place with his ex-girlfriend. But like, the CHERUB staff are supposed to be good at understanding the dynamics between their agents, surely they can see that this is a bad idea? They end up getting close to their coworker, who has a sh--ty boyfriend, which leads to a fight. James and Kerry get yelled at over it and assigned punishment, but they've hit it off again, leaving Kerry to hit on James and James, surprisingly, to turn her down out of loyalty to Dana. I just…I didn't come into this series for the domestic lives of teens, you know? I don't care. Get back to the missions. All this will-they-won't-they feels jarringly out of place.

And now, for the elephant in the room. I've spoken before about how the CHERUB series more often than not falls down when it tries to address social issues, and the main plot of this book is a really good example of this. Lauren is investigating an eleven year old boy whose father is potentially involved with the loss of an aeroplane, which was brought down killing everyone on board. The kid's name is Fahim Bin Hassam, and he's of Arabic descent. The plane crashed on September the tenth. Obviously, people assume that terrorism was the reason behind the crash. As it turns out, it was actually a faulty part supplied by Fahim's father - he's a smuggler, but not a terrorist. Interesting twist, right? The problem with that is that Hassam is the exact stereotype of a controlling Muslim father. He's gotten rich through crime, beats his wife and son, kills his wife when he suspects she's going to the police, wants his son to be brought up in Abu Dhabi with his relatives where he will get a strict education, is casually misogynistic and exploits his cleaner, and hates how 'westernised' his son has become despite not exactly being the most devout or traditional himself. It's not a subversion of stereotypes about Muslim men if it then plays into every single one of those stereotypes at the same time. Hassam is given no redeeming features and no humanising moments, no nuance. He's a crook and a bad person, plain and simple. And that's just as much a stereotype as portraying him as bringing down the plane in a deliberate act of terrorism would have been.

Next up, an anthology of queer writings through time.

[simpforhoon]

jakehoon + jayseung threesome

pairing : enha x female reader ( I’m still trying to figure out how to write for gender neutral reader, so if someone could help me w that it would be appreciated!!)

Word Count: 1k

Genre: Smut (daddy kink, sir kink, slight pet play, marking, oral (f and m receiving), humiliation, praise, use of pet names, and some fluff!)

Warnings: well,,, this is smut so,,,, please just read at your own risk.

okay so like I had a lot of reqs for a jakehoon threesome, and like one for jayhoon but then I got this idea and I decided to do like a what kind of threesome would it be sorta thing? + a little drabble for each one😌😌 + aftercare for each!!

jakehoon:-

okay so like,,,,, I see them as like a hard dom-soft dom duo

hoon loves pampering you and bring soft too but sometimes he just likes to ✨let loose✨

whereas while jake would degrade you and call you names and be rough w you, his inner sweet boy makes him a soft dom,,, maybe even a bottom if you like topping

these two together would be such a whirlwind omg,,,,, theres jake just praising you on one hand and telling you you’re doing so well for them, and theres hoon just calling you their pretty cockslut, so desperate for them

I feel like hoon would give the orders while jake just follows along and does his thing

onto the drabble cause I dont know how much more I can say about these two-

————————————————☆

your mind was hazy with pleasure as you sank down on jake’s cock, mouth around sunghoon as you sucked him off as jake thrusted into you at a slow but rough pace. you whined around sunghoon’s cock as jake snapped his hips into yours and sunghoon pushed your mouth further down onto his cock, groaning at the feeling of your warm mouth around him. “you look so pretty like this angel, sucking me off while jake fucks your cute little cunt, such a good cockslut”. you could feel the knot in your lower stomach get bigger, ready to burst, and jake must have felt it too, from the way you clenched around him as his pace got faster. it was at that moment that sunghoon came down your throat, making you swallow his load as he pulled out of your mouth and watched with a smirk as jake moaned, his hips never faltering. “w-wanna cum” you managed to get out through gritted teeth. “cum for us pup” jake groaned as you came all over his length, pulling out to come on your back, as you fell forward into the pillows. sunghoon came back with a towel, cleaning up your back before planting a kiss on both yours and jake’s lips, “my two little puppies did so well hm? how about I reward you both tomorrow?”

aftercare :-

both of them would be so sweet honestly, but I feel like they would do anything in the moment, all three of you being super tired

they would definitely clean you up and give you a massage wherever you’re feeling sore and make sure you drink water and eat a little something before falling asleep.

and in the morning they would wake you up with a nice hot bath and scented bath bombs and breakfast in bed,,, they would go all the way to make sure you’re not hurting and they would like cuddle you the whole morning and be so soft and gentle with you🥺🥺🥺

jayseung/heejay:-

OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO

so like,,,,, both doms, I cant see them as anything else sorry😫😫😫

I see them being into oral and getting blow jobs and stuff, but not as much as jakehoon

both of them would be so teasing in bed

always edging you for hours before giving you what you actually want

I definitely see jay being into being called “sir” and heeseung into being called “daddy”

jay seems to be very possessive, and seeing him that way kind of makes heeseung kind of possessive as well

so be prepared to have marks and hickeys all over your body the next morning

while everyone portrays jay to be this hardass, sadistic dom, I just feel like hes a big softie on the inside🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 he would for sure 100% call you “princess” and while he would be rough it would just be so skbdnabsjabdjsjsb🥺😫😳

heeseung, I feel has more of a hard dom tendency than jay

remember hes basically the mom of 6 kids

he will punish you if you act up

but if you’re good for them, he will give you anything you want.

onto the drabble-

————————————————☆

you were stuck between heeseung’s legs as jay ate you out like he’d never eaten before. heeseung played with your erect nipples lazily, pulling and tugging at them gently as his other hand helped jay’s in holding your legs apart. one of your hands held onto jay’s slightly larger one as the other gripped the sheets beneath you. you whined and squirmed in their hold as jay sucked on your nub causing waves of pleasure to shoot through your body, your back arching off heeseung’s bare chest at the sensation. “ah ah ah” he smirked. “stop squirming so much little one, or we won’t let you cum tonight”. your movements ceased as he muttered those words. desperate for your release, you whimpered and whined. “s-sir please let me cum”, jay smirked and looked up, bringing his face away from your sensitive core, your juices running down his chin as he licked his lips and said “you’ll cum only when daddy says you can cum princess” before resuming his ministrations on your poor cunt. “daddy p-please let me cum” you whimpered and moaned as you gripped the sheets. heeseung looked like he was pondering it for a second before pulling at your nipples again. “cum for us kitten”. that was all you need to hear as you let go and came, as jay licked up all your sweet juices hungrily. your chest heaved as you lay back against heeseung as he whispered into your ear. “tired so soon baby? daddy and sir arent done with you just yet”.

aftercare :-

these two would absolutely pamper you the moment yall were finished🥺🥺

they would run a bath for you then and there no matter how tired yall were

scented candles, bath bombs, they’d even wash your hair for you

they would massage you with your favourite lotion and whisper praises over and over

“you were so good for us princess, such a good girl”

they would wrap you up in one of their hoodies and a blanket and wrap themselves around you as well-

back rubs to help you fall asleep🥺🥺🥺

soft kisses and happy moments :((((

————————————————☆

and that’s all!!!! I really hope you enjoyed it. and I had so much fun writing this OMG.

I included aftercare as well, as most people dont realise that aftercare is really important for both parties involved.

thank you for reading and dont forget to stay hydrated and eat well!

[anders-hawke]

Trying

Rated T | Alternate Universe | @today-in-fic

As I sense is becoming a theme, Jake and Amy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine are the inspiration for this MSR fic. This conversation was the catalyst; the scenes in this fic are taken heavily from B99’s “Trying” (7.06) and “Casecation” (6.12), as well as TXF’s “Per Manum” flashbacks. This fic is set in an alternate universe.

—

They’ve been trying for exactly nine months, now. Mulder knows this because Scully keeps detailed calendars marking the specifics of it all and on the fifth day of the month nine months ago, they agreed to start trying to have a baby.

He’s bouncing his leg, waiting for Scully to get back from the bathroom with the latest test result. He heard a flush a few minutes ago, so any second now... The door to their bathroom—one that has two sinks, a bath, and a shower because she insisted—opens with a creak.

Mulder watches as she stands completely still in the doorway, looking down at the stick. “It didn’t take, did it?” he inquires, but he already knows the answer.

Scully sniffles, her face starting to crumble, and he immediately makes his way over to her, bringing her into his embrace. She wraps her arms around him, burying her face in his chest as she tries to stop herself from crying.

“It feels like it’s too much to hope for, Mulder,” she says, clutching at him amidst her sea of tears.

“Hey, hey, it’s only been nine tries, honey. Sometimes—sometimes it takes a while. We knew that going in.” Mulder strokes the back of her head, pressing a kiss to the crown.

“Yeah, but... I feel like everyone else in my life has kids, and—and I—I can’t even get pregnant with one. What am I supposed to do with my life if I’m not a mother?”

“Oh, Scully, don’t say that. You’d still be my wife... You’d still be an award-winning neurosurgeon... Even if we don’t get pregnant the old-fashioned naked-pretzel way...” He trails off as she lets out a choked laugh. “...we can try IVF, or adoption. So you’re going to be a mother no matter what, Scully. It doesn’t define you as a person, either, whether or not we conceive. You’re amazing, all day every day.”

She sniffles again and leans away from Mulder, a tremulous smile on her lips. “I know. I just...really want this. I mean, I’ve spent my whole life knowing that I was going to have kids one day, and it’s just sort of hitting now that it’s been—”

“—nine months since we started trying,” he says with her. “And if it worked the first time, we would be nearly full term.”

Scully loses a battle and the tremulous little smile falls from her face as she nods and steps away to grab some tissues. “I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me, you know? Not—not physically, but... Is this some sort of punishment from God? Is he telling me that I’m not good enough to be a mother?” Another tear streaks down her cheek.

“Dana, look at me,” Mulder implores, cupping her cheeks and forcing her to look up at him. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re not being punished for any perceived sins, it’s just science.”

“Science,” she repeats, glancing between his eyes.

“Yes. Science. And science says that, since we’re both healthy thirty-somethings, we’re bound to get pregnant eventually.”

Scully nods and lets him enfold her in his arms again. “I don’t know if I want to keep trying,” she whispers, nuzzling her face further into his chest.

“What?”

“I can’t keep doing this, Mulder. Even if it’s not some sort of punishment and it’s just science, I...I can’t keep looking at the negative results on these tests.” She starts to cry again, muffling her sobs against Mulder’s shirt. “I just want a baby... Is that so much to ask for?”

“No... No, it’s not.”

—

One Year Ago.

“You must be the Mulders, Dana and Fox!” Mark greets, just as handsome as Ellen had described to Scully over the phone. “Welcome, welcome. Congratulations.” He leads them into the spacious living area in his and Ellen’s new house, where a handful of people are lounging. Mulder and Scully sit down on one of the couches and wave as Mark introduces them. “We heard that you’re newlyweds. Where’d you honeymoon?”

Scully, painfully aware of Mulder’s hand possessively resting on her hip, tells a little bit of their trip to his family’s beach house, the name of which she can never pronounce. She gets cut off when her godson rushes into the room and over to Mark, whispering into his step-father’s ear.

“Alright,” Mark says, before turning him around to face Mulder and Scully. “Go say hi to Dana and Fox and then ask Mommy in the kitchen.”

“Hi, Auntie Dana. Hi, Mr. Fox.” The young boy waves and bolts off to the kitchen.

“Ah, kids. Gotta love ‘em,” Mark sighs with a smile. “Are you two planning on having any of your own?”

“Uh, yeah,” Scully answers. “We’re gonna start trying soon. I’m so glad I’ve found the perfect person to make children with.”

She smiles bashfully at Mulder and a split second later, he reciprocates.

“Dinner’s ready!” Ellen calls from the kitchen, and everyone files into the dining room.

On the way there, he catches Scully by the wrist and pulls her aside. “What was that back there?” he hisses at her, leaning so close to her face that she’s sure his back is going to hurt later.

“What do you mean?” she asks, looking up at him incredulously.

“You just lied to Mark!”

“What!? No I didn’t! What the hell are you talking about?”

He tilts his head and raises his brows. “You don’t—? Scully, you told him that we’re going to try to get pregnant soon!”

“Of course I did! I told him the truth! Why are you acting like we didn’t decide this already!?”

“We didn’t!” Mulder hisses.

“What!? You don’t remember!? I showed you a picture of Matthew swimming in the Pacific on his birthday a few months ago and I said, ‘We should do this,’ and you said, ‘Definitely, I’ll set aside some money!’”

“I was talking about a trip to San Diego! You were talking about having a baby!?”

“Yes!”

“Oh my God.”

Scully groans softly and rubs her temples. “This isn’t the place. Let’s talk about this later.”

“Yeah...”

—

The drive home is tense and silent. Not a word is spoken until they shed their coats and sit down on Mulder’s transplanted leather couch. “You don’t want children,” Scully states, hands folded primly in her lap.

He sighs and rubs his hands over his face. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Well, I do. And I can’t just sit around and wait until you do know.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Scully. Am I getting in the way? Why don’t you just get up and leave if I’m of no use to you, then? God knows everyone else has.”

“Mulder—” she started, voice much softer.

“I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want.”

“Mulder...”

“I’m sorry that I have no idea how to be a father.”

“Mulder, stop!” Scully insisted, looking distressed, and they finally made eye contact. “Is that what you’re worried about? Whether or not you’d be a good father?”

Mulder is silent for a moment before he sighs and nods. “Yeah,” he admits, averting his eyes.

“Oh, honey... You’d be a great father. I wouldn’t want to have kids with you if I thought otherwise.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Well, um... I don’t think having a baby is out of the question. I just...I don’t know if I’m ready, yet. It’s all so sudden, you know? Can we wait a few months? And then we can talk about trying. I—I need to get used to the idea of being a dad.”

“Yeah, of course.” Scully rubs his back with a small smile on her face, and it grows wider when Mulder turns his head to look at her.

“We can start looking at baby names, if you want. We’ll have to come up with something cooler than ‘Fox’, though.”

They both laugh at that, leaning into each other’s embraces.

—

Present Day.

“Scully, I think that we need to take a break from trying for a while,” Mulder says, getting situated behind her in bed. “Focus on ourselves, okay?” She nods. “Remember how we met?”

Scully smiles, entwining her fingers with his over her abdomen. “Yeah. You, the rugged child psychologist; me, the savvy pediatric neurosurgeon.”

“We argued our way through Christine’s treatment.” Mulder nuzzles the side of her face, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“It worked, didn’t it?”

“That it did.”

They’re both silent for a while. “Mulder?”

“Yes?”

“I want...” Scully swallows heavily. “Can we have sex tonight? For us.”

He slides his hand lower, crowding his body against hers. “Of course.”

—

Ten Months Earlier.

His wife’s been short-tempered all day with him, only talking to him about their intersecting patient, Patrick. Mulder finally corners Scully in her office as she’s packing up.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he asks, leaning against the door with his arms crossed.

“I’m fine,” she says sharply, and he sighs heavily.

“Are you really pulling that shit again? To me, of all people?”

Scully’s facing away from him, parsing through the filing cabinets behind her desk; she stops at his words, sliding the drawer shut before leaning her forehead against the metal storage unit. That’s when he hears her start to cry.

“Oh, Scully, honey... C’mere.” Mulder walks around her desk and wraps an arm around her, giving her a nudge to accept his embrace. She does, wrapping her arms around his neck as she starts sobbing in earnest. “Did something happen to one of your patients? What’s wrong?”

Scully shakes her head and continues to cry for a few minutes. When the tears have slowed down, she sniffs and pulls away to grab some tissues and blow her nose. “No. I mean, I’ve been handling a high-intensity patient all week, as you know, so there’s that. But I—” She has to stop and blow her nose again. She meets his gaze afterwards. “I think I might be pregnant. My period’s late—I was supposed to get it a week ago. And we agreed to wait a few months so I’m scared that if I am pregnant that you won’t be ready and that everything will go to shit and I love you too much for that and—”

Mulder cups her cheeks and runs the pads of his thumbs over her lips. “It’s okay,” he tells her, voice impossibly soft. “It’s okay.”

She sniffles. “Really?”

He smiles tremulously. “Really.” She sighs heavily and pulls him in for a long hug. “Come on, let’s go home. We can stop by a store and buy some tests. Whether or not you’re pregnant, we’ll be okay.”

“Okay,” she sighs.

—

The test comes back negative so Scully musters a smile and tosses the stick away as she walks to the kitchen. “What do you want for dinner?”

They don’t talk about it until they’re getting ready for bed and she won’t meet Mulder’s eyes.

“Scully?” he starts over the sound of her electric toothbrush.

“Hm.”

“Can I tell you something?”

She leans over and spits, turning off the toothbrush before wiping her face clean. “Of course,” Scully replies, placing the brush in its stand.

“I, uh...” Mulder fumbles, and she looks up at him. “I...I was a little bit—well, actually, a lot a bit—disappointed that the test came back negative.” He’s gazing at his wife’s flyaway baby hairs instead of her eyes.

“You were?”

“Yeah.”

Scully takes his hand and leads him to sit on the edge of the bed together. “Is it safe to assume you know that I was, too?”

He nods with a small laugh, entwining their fingers when it fades. “Do...do you want to start trying? I think I’m ready now.”

She lets out a soft gasp, her eyes filling with tears. “You mean it?”

“Yeah,” Mulder replies, voice impossibly soft. “I’m ready.” He brings his hand to her lips with a smile that lights up his eyes.

Scully lets out a tearful laugh before cupping his cheeks and pulling him in for a kiss.

—

Present Day, 5 Weeks Later.

Mulder jogs through the halls of the hospital until he finds Scully’s room number and bursts inside, breathless. “Scully, baby, what happened? You collapsed—you had a nosebleed? Are you alright?”

She nods, a smile on her face. Scully doesn’t look as sick as he’d feared, he notices, smoothing her hair back and tucking it behind her ears. “Does this have anything to do with how you’ve been feeling these past couple of weeks?” Mulder cautiously asks, sitting down in the chair behind him.

He moves it closer to her bedside as Scully’s smile turns into a grin. “I’m pregnant, Mulder.”

“Oh—my God, you are?” She nods. “You are! Oh, Scully...” He starts to cry as he gathers his wife into his arms as much as possible, and Scully does the same.

“We did it, Mulder,” she says, pressing a kiss to his head. “We did it.”

“Oh, I was so worried,” Mulder admits, sniffling as he lets her go and adjusts in the chair. “What did the doctors say?”

“Prenatal vitamins and a less strenuous workload. I have to drop my patient load from seven to five, and go from there. I’ll have to hand off a couple kids but I know just who to ask.”

“I’m glad.” Mulder clasps her hand and brings it to his lips. “I’m ready for this, Scully. Well, as ready as anyone can be.”

“Me, too, Mulder. Me, too.”

[soyouthinkucanwrite]

Chapter 2 - Show Time

2.8k words

Synopsys: The name of the series is super random, don't mind me. Reader is a postgraduate student at NYU, made a docuseries on her research, and the show got picked up by Netflix. She goes on a press tour and meets Tom on a ‘chat show’. They get together and she decides to stay for a few days in London with him. This could be an amazing few days or more? It’s been interesting writing how they’ll deal with distance and tight schedules once ‘honeymoon’ is over...

Heads up: my first language is Portuguese, so that might explain some things here - of course, I wrote thinking about myself hahaha

Warnings for the series: mention of illicit drugs, angst caused by distance, smut (next chapters, very explicit), anxiety caused by paparazzi, and rude random people taking photos.

Other than that, this is just my guilty pleasure writing so lots of caring sweet Tom and fluffiness.

Chapter 1 - A new city

Chapter 2 - Show time

Chapter 3 - Unexpected texts

Chapter 4 - A new day

No extra warnings. A lot of it was adapted from the real interview, so you might wanna watch it again before reading this, for refreshing. The docu-series doesn't have a name, so you can imagine your own favorite subject.

HEY THERE EVERYBODY! MY NAME IS TOM HANKS AND IT IS MY GREAT PLEASURE TO SAY WELCOME TO THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW!

You walked down the corridor led by the stage assistant, but you could already hear the cheering and claps close by. “Don’t worry. There’s a monologue and then he’ll introduce you guys.” She smiled at you. You smiled back. Nervous smile.

“I think I need to poo.” You said.

“What?” She stopped and looked at you.

“No. I don’t really need to poo. I’m just really nervous.” You said. She definitely thought you were in way over your head.

“Okay, just wait there and you’ll go on stage when he calls your name. Frank is there to signal, don’t worry. Good luck!” She said and turned back running.

“Ok. Thank you!” You shouted after her but she was already gone.

“Shhh!” The other guy with a headpiece, Frank you assumed, shushed you.

“Sorry.” You whispered. You looked to the side and Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Holland were talking. Jake was taller than you imagined. Tom was shorter.

“Oh don’t worry. You’re the star here, you can do whatever you want to.” An older voice said to you. He was obviously joking. You looked to see Tom Hanks. You smiled and nodded. God, please don’t let me freeze from starstruck now. Please.

“Ehh…” You’re pathetic.

“Hi!” Said Gwyneth Paltrow to everyone in the dark zone, having just arrived after you. Everyone responded excitedly.

“You guys are on. On my mark.” Said Frank pointing to Tom and Jake. They looked at you and said hello but you could barely answer before hearing Graham Norton’s voice going:

HES THE OSCAR NOMINATED STAR OF BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, NIGHTCRAWLER, AND DONNIE DARKO. PLEASE WELCOME JAKE GYLLENHAAL!

And Jake went up the small flight of stairs. The curtains opened for a while and the sound got really loud and everything went bright. You took a look at Tom Holland and boy was he hot. He was looking at you too. You smiled and he smiled back.

HE’S YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-MAN. IT'S MISTER TOM HOLLAND!

“See you out there.” He said and walked out. You barely had time to process anything when Frank pointed at you and said: “You’re next”. You were still trying to remember how to walk when you heard:

SHE’S THE PRODUCER AND STAR OF A BRAND NEW NETFLIX DOCU-SERIES. STRAIGHT FROM NEW YORK: MISS (Y/N)!

Up you go. You walked out and Graham Norton went to greet you. He went for a kiss on the cheek and you went for a hug. Great. Off to a good start. He laughed it off and showed you the couch where Tom and Jake were standing in front and clapping. You went for a kiss on the cheek this time with both of them when you greeted them.

“Hi!” You said casually. Graham was speaking and soon Gwyneth was standing by your side. She greeted you and the actors by your side and then there was only Tom Hanks left. His introduction was longer and the cheering was way louder. But you weren’t surprised by that. This place was massive. There are so many people here. Way more than you’d think by watching from home.

“We met backstage.” Tom Hanks said pointing to the other guests on the couch.

“You all chatted backstage. I went backstage, I didn’t see the two of you. Nor you (y/n). Where were you guys?” Graham asked.

“We were there” Jake said.

“We waived” Tom said.

“Yeah, I- I was late.” You said laughing a little.

“Very suspicious. I bet you were having your own private party with your entourage.” Graham said making everyone laugh.

“Welcome all! Welcome all!” Graham went on to start the round of interviews and apparently, Tom Hanks was the first topic. You just smiled and laughed along, copying the way Gwyneth Paltrow was sitting and concentrating to keep your posture straight. Once in a while you would laugh and moment by moment you were getting more relaxed, even touching thighs with Tom accidentally when you laughed.

…

“I started recording Woody in 1991.” Tom Hanks said.

“Guess who wasn’t born then?” Graham said and both you and Tom raised our arms laughing.

“I was having sex I think, by 1991.” Gwyneth said.

“And so were our parents.” Said Tom gesturing between you and him. Everybody laughed.

“He probably meant his mom and his dad and my mom and my dad. Separately.” And everyone laughed even harder.

“Ok. We painted a picture now.” Graham said.

“You never know, it was a crazy time back then in 91” Jake added making everyone bust out laughing.

…

“Now, our newest guest tonight is the beautiful (y/n). This is your first time in the show!” Graham said looking at you. Oh boy. This is it.

“Yeah! This is crazy. Thank you for having me! And my first time in London!” You answered, blushing a little by the claps and cheering from the audience.

“Now, of course, (y/n) you’re the star and the producer of a documentary. The new Netflix series everybody is talking about. Have you guys seen it?” He asked the other guests.

“Absolutely! It's so good! I loved it!” Tom Hanks said. You stared at him like he just said the most absurd thing, and then Gwyneth said:

“We loved it! It's so different from everything we’ve seen out there.” She complimented you. You put your hands together and bowed your head in gratitude.

“I started watching it today when I knew you were coming here, but everybody is talking about it! It's so good! I wanted to binge-watch everything but then we had to come here.” Jake said.

“Own! Thank you, that’s very sweet.” You said.

“What about you Tom Holland? Have you seen it? Or have you guys met before? Because you have the same age, isn’t that right?” Graham asked him, pointing between the two of you.

“I was the one who told Jake to watch it! I must have seen it twice already!” He said laughing.

“What? Twice?” You laughed.

“Yeah because every time someone’s watching it if I’m passing by, I’ll just sit down and watch along. And all my friends decided to watch it now, it’s like some fever, I don’t know, it’s just really fun and you actually feel smarter binging it!” He said making everybody laugh along.

“But did you guys knew each other already? Because you sure sound like a fan!” Graham teased him. Tom shook his head no and you answered first.

“No…well, I know you. I definitely know all of you. But we’ve never met.” You said vaguely, trying to change the focus from you and Tom. But Graham was on a mission.

“Are you sure? Because the two of you weren’t seen early on backstage so I’m just wondering…” He said cheekily.

“I was late today! It was quite not British of me, I know, but we were very late so I didn’t get the chance to say hello before. Sorry, everyone” You said apologizing to everybody on the couch who waived and laughed politely.

“That’s quite alright. Thankfully you’re not British so we won’t punish you. Well, maybe we’ll leave that to Tom later if you’re into that sort of thing” Graham said making you and Tom very much embarrassed.

“These 90’s kids are crazy man” Jake added making everybody laugh.

“Anyway, we have a clip for you guys.” Graham announced.

[CLIP FROM THE SERIES]

“That’s so great! By the way, I introduced you saying ‘from new york’, because the show was taped there, but you’re not really from NY are you? You’re actually…uh… from (your city/country)! Is that right?” Graham asked you and the rest of the cast looked at you interested.

“Yes! That’s right. But I’ve been living in New York for a good while now so, that’s ok.” You answered.

“You’re getting your PhD, isn’t it?” Tom Hanks asked you.

���Yes, the show was part of my research, actually. I’m surprised you know that.” You said.

“Dude, I told you to pick up a book once in a while. Jake said teasingly to Tom, who just laughed and shook his head looking down.

“You guys are making this so much easier to me. Thanks!” He said sarcastically. Now it was your turn to get embarrassed.

“He’s right though, you might wanna step up your game here cause she’s both smart and beautiful. Do you speak…how many is it? 5 languages?” Graham stepped in.

“Well, I mean…sort of, yeah. I guess.” You answered kind of embarrassed for being in the spotlight, but glad it was about your brains and not looks.

“And the show is so good! I’ve seen a critic saying that is (your reference) meet Humans of NY. In a good way! Where the idea came from? Did you always wanted to film a tv show?” Graham asked you.

“Well, first of all. Thank you for the compliments and I’m truly honored by the comparison to (your reference) and Humans of NY, because I truly watch and admire those projects, so they’ve definitely inspired us. But uh…about filming a TV show, I guess not. I’m researching (your subject of preference). But I’ve always loved to, you know, get in there and get ‘my hands dirty’, I wouldn’t want to write about something I haven’t experienced. So I got to know so many incredible stories and amazing people. I followed their routines and there were so many great plots…I just couldn’t let that go. And I’m really glad I didn’t. It’s like we’re highlighting the extraordinary in the ordinary. I’m really glad people liked it as much as I did because it would have been really heartbreaking if nobody cared, I guess.” You laughed. Everyone was staring at you in awe. You got really excited when you were talking about this project. Maybe a little too excited.

“How did you do that by the way?” Gwyneth asked you.

“Did what?” you said.

“Get them to care about it. To give it a shot.” She explained.

“I’m not sure. I think there’s so much noise out there. And everyone is just competing for our attention, but they don’t always have anything to say. And these people have so much to say. To teach us. I just tried to show that.” You answered honestly.

“Well, thank you for that. And not jinx anything, but I have a feeling we’ll be hearing a lot more about you too. Any new projects coming soon?” He asked you.

“Uh…not really. I’m just living in this high for now, I guess. But it really has already opened so many doors, I’m very grateful for that.” You answered honestly.

“And your boyfriend must be really proud too" Graham asked teasingly.

“No, no boyfriend.” You answered suspiciously.

“Ah! Of course.” He winked nothing discreetly in Tom’s direction.

“So there’s a chance Tom! You might want to pay attention to this next one. Gwyneth Paltrow! What is this I hear about vagina steaming?” Graham continued making everyone bust out laughing.

…

The show went on and soon, the topic was Tom again. “I was making a film with Doug Liman, in Montreal. And I was playing a real tough kid and he asked me to grow as much facial hair as I could.” Tom told everybody. You just looked very closely at him, because his face was very much hairless.

“I think we got a picture.” Graham said. And then everybody was laughing out loud.

“(y/n)? Is your heart won yet?” Graham teased. You just laughed.

“Oh come on! The kid’s got better moments! You got to give him a chance!” He teased some more.

“Oh man! What is going on with this show? I swear I did not put him up to this!” Tom said looking at you and you just laughed awkwardly.

“It’s true! I did!” Jake said laughing and then got up to high five Graham.

“You know, if this wasn’t going so badly I’d ask if my mom put you up to this. Cause she’s the only other person I know who’s so focused on getting me matched.” You teased.

“You think its going badly?” Tom asked and the crowd “aww” loudly. Silence and some laughs.

“Right, moving on.” Graham joked and everybody laughed. You were feeling a little awkward, especially because you did not want him to think you weren’t interested, just not while in a tv show. But you can’t get things mixed up. This stuff is new to you, but you’re not some schoolgirl. Focus on the job. Stormzy was singing now, so the show must be almost over.

…

“Oh this is wicked! I was really happy when I saw you’d be here!” Stormzy said when he sat on the couch.

“Me? Wow! Really?” you asked him, surprised.

“Oh-oh looks like you got competition Tom Holland” Graham joked and Tom just laughed and shook his head.

“Well cause your show is just really cool” He said to me.

“Wow! Thank you for saying that!” You couldn’t believe this, someone from all across the world liked something you did. You’re going to get emotional.

“You know that we live really close to each other?” Tom asked him.

“Is it? Where do you live?” Stormzy answered and the conversation went on.

AND THAT’S IT FOR THE SERIES! IF YOU’D JOIN ME NEXT WEEK FOR A LOOK BACK AT SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE PAST 12 WEEKS. WE’LL BE BACK IN THE AUTUMN, TILL THEN HAVE A GREAT SUMMER! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY BYE BYE!

This was becoming routine now, but there’s no other way to describe it other than to say that you loved and hated every minute of it. Well, at least it’s done now. The lights went out and when everybody stopped clapping and cheering the producer approached you guys and said you were taking a picture. Graham went for the back of the couch and everyone snuggled a little closer. Tom put his hand on your thigh and you instinctively looked at it. “Sorry.” He mumbled and took it off. You just smiled and shook your head lightly. After some pictures, you made sure to thank everybody and say how much of a fan of them you are. When it was your turn to talk to Tom he said laughing: “Sorry about that whole thing” You could tell he was uncomfortable.

“No, common! He was playing with us. Well, you more.” You dismissed.

“Yeah! It was fun though. Had a great time, it was great to meet you!” He said politely.

“You too. Love your movies! Can’t wait to see the new one.” You offered and heard someone calling your name.

“Right this way Miss.” The stage assistant called.

“Ok, so…bye! Good luck on growing your facial hair!” What. You. Idiot. He just laughed it off. And touched his chin.

“Right. I’ll try my best. Thank you! Good luck with (your research subject)” He said back.

“Alright, thanks” You had to go, the stage assistant was getting impatient. “Bye Tom.” You offered your hand and he hesitated a bit before taking it and shake.

“Bye (y/n).” He said.

David was already waiting for you down the small flight of stairs. “That was really great! Congratulations!” He hugged you.

“That…wasn’t bad, right?” You said. “I actually had fun.” You completed while you two made your way to the little room where you did your makeup and hair earlier.

[peralta-guaranteed]

Bullies, Black Eyes, and Big Brothers

(read it on AO3)

“Let’s not jump to conclusions right away.”

“What’s there to ‘jump to’, Jake? He got in a fight and gave another kid a bloody nose and knocked out two baby teeth.”

“Yeah, okay, I know that sounds bad.” Jake sighs while shifting gears. They’d gotten the call from Mac’s teacher just fifteen minutes ago, but from Amy’s fidgeting, he could tell she would’ve liked to have already arrived at the school. For what it’s worth, he’s still surprised Holt let them both go without much explanation - he supposes the sentence “Mac’s school called” is some sort of magic spell to turn their captain into grandpa mode. 

“I just remember a lot of times where I got into trouble and wished my mom had listened to me first before the punishment, you know?”

Now it’s Amy’s turn to sigh.

“Okay. He gets one chance at explaining himself, and then we ground him for punching someone.”

When they finally make it to the classroom with Mac’s teacher waiting in front of it, Amy seems to have forgotten all about it though, as she already starts apologising to Ms. Hernandez for the trouble Mac has caused.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions.” The teacher says, and Jake remembers why he’s so glad that Mac got her as homeroom teacher in this grade instead of that nasty old Mrs. Lipschitz he had last year. “Yes, Mac and Dennis got into a fight, and they’re both a little worse for wear, but we have no idea who started it or why. Neither of them will talk to me, so I hoped that you might get more out of him than me. Dennis’ parents couldn’t make it yet, I’m afraid.”

Jake nods and sneaks a peek through the little window on the door - Mac and Dennis (he guesses - not a classmate he’s familiar with) are sitting 4 tables apart, both staring down at the desks with the most forlorn looks he’s ever seen on two 10-year-olds. He remembers his first fight that ended with heavy bruises and a bleeding eyebrow, right around the same age, after stepping between Gina and some teen she’d been mouthing off to. Dennis is still holding a slightly bloody towel up to his nose, and Mac’s t shirt is ripped at the collar, and - yeah, that’s definitely a black eye on his little guy. His stomach swoops down sickenly low and he wants to walk in and just carry him home straight away to ice cream and cartoons on tv and no stupid classmates that fight him anywhere. 

As it stands, he tries to walk in as calmly as Amy does, now that she’s pulled herself together again, before crouching down in front of Mac’s desk.

“Hey, bud.” He smiles at him, but Mac only looks up for a second and then back down to the table, and God can he please just hug his kid and not see the worry and fear in his soft chocolate-brown eyes? 

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Amy says from his side, equally crouched down, and her voice is far softer than it was on the drive here. She’s probably thinking something very similar to Jake.

Mac, however, shoots a look over to Dennis, who’s decidedly ignoring all three of them, and then up to Ms. Hernandez stood beside him, before shaking his head.

“C’mon, Mac.” Jake tries to give him one more push. “We can’t do anything if we don’t know the story.”

Mac rubs at his eye - the non-black one - and sniffles, but that’s the only sound he makes. Jake fights back another sigh before looking up to the teacher.

“Do you think we could talk to him alone?” You don’t interrogate suspects with their aggressor still present, his detective mind adds, but he’s not sure if that’s an appropriate explanation for an elementary school classroom.

Ms. Hernandez nods, anyway, and tells Dennis to step out with her.

Once the door clicks shut behind them, Jake fully lowers down to one knee and smiles at Mac again.

“How about now? Do we get a story?”

Mac still seems hesitant for a moment, sniffling once again, but then-

“He kicked Maya.” he almost whispers, and his voice sounds sore, like he’s been yelling, or crying, or maybe both. “She was on the merry-go-round that he wanted to go on and he kicked her to make her leave and she fell off and I think she hurt her elbow. Ms. Mabel took her away for a band aid. I couldn’t check. I was too far away.”

“Oh peanut.” Amy says after she’s made her way round the desk to softly ruffle through his hair (it’s a mess anyway, probably from the fight as well). “You didn’t have to be afraid to tell us that. But it also wasn’t okay to hit him. I’m sure Ms. Mabel would’ve talked to him later.”

“He’s called her names before and makes fun of her.” Mac continues, the floodgates apparently finally open. “And he always pushes her out of his way. And she said he chased her around with a stick once until she hid in the toilets. So now she doesn’t wanna go outside during recess anymore. And he took her turrón de maní that abuela gave us that you packed us for lunch.” He looks up at Jake now, and so luckily doesn’t see the way Amy’s face begins to change from soft worry to unbridled mom-rage. “I gave her half of mine.”

Jake has to take a deep breath too, because he reasons that running out to punch a fourth grader in the stomach is probably not a good thing to do, no matter how strong the impulse.

“Why didn’t you tell us about all that earlier?” He asks instead and hopes that there’s no admonishment in his voice, because he really doesn’t want it to sound like he blames him for anything.

“Maya said not to.” Mac sniffles again and rubs his nose, smearing the back of his hand with snot, and Amy has a handkerchief drawn to wipe it as quickly as only she can. “She said she has to be the ‘bigger person’. ‘N I said she should punch him instead but she didn’t want to, so I did.”

Putting aside the fact that their second-grader has definitely picked up lingo that she’s nowhere close to old enough to really understand, he’s glad that at least one of their kids was decidedly against a violent approach - however fitting it would be in this situation.

“Okay, Maya was right that you shouldn’t hit people, unless you have to protect yourself.” Jake vividly remembers that heated discussion about principles in parenting he’d had with Amy not long ago, that ended in his ridiculous argument of ‘so if you’re getting kidnapped and the only way out would be to throw a punch you wouldn’t do it?’ and reminding her of the several times she’s actually punched him in mistaken self-defense before. It had convinced her to agree with him, though. 

“But if someone is being that mean to you or her and bullying you like that, you definitely should tell someone who can help.” Amy finishes for him. “Even if you’d promised not to say anything.”

Jake nods at the same time as Mac, and they look so similar that she can’t help but smile, as inappropriate as it might be for the situation.

“I’m sorry I started a fight.” Mac mumbles again.

“It’s okay.” Jake answers a bit too fast, and Amy’s raised eyebrows in his direction tell him more than enough. “I mean, it’s not great. And it’s good that you’re apologising. But I’m glad you stood up for your sister and protected her.”

Now Amy nods to that, and Jake’s knees ache only a little bit as he gets up after crouching down for so long.

“Tell you what. Maya’s classes are over by now, so what do you say we go pick her up and go to Sal’s for dinner?”

It only takes seconds for a bright smile to finally, finally break across their son’s face as he jumps up and Jake tells him to get his backpack from the other end of the classroom. Amy sidles up to him and nudges his elbow.

“Sal’s, really?” She says almost inaudibly, but Jake can hear the exasperated amusement.

“What?” He whispers back. “I think he deserves a reward far more than a punishment.”

“You only say that because you would’ve punched Dennis too.”

“Well, let’s see how bad Maya’s arm really is and then I decide if he deserved the bloody nose.”

“Alright, let’s not get carried away. You go tell Ms. Hernandez what happened and Mac and I pick up Maya in the meantime.” Amy only mumbles as Mac bounces back towards them.

After Sal’s and an entire Meat Supreme at display temperature for Jake, Mac and Maya (and one slice of spinach & feta for Amy), they watch their two little ones settle down in front of the tv for the one allowed nighttime episode of Adventure Time, Mac holding a small bag of frozen peas to his black eye, Maya snuggling into him on his other side and beaming up at her big brother from time to time.

“If we tell your mum about this”, Jake grins at Amy across the kitchen island where she’s busy making hot chocolate because apparently she agrees on the reward-over-punishment thing too, “I bet she’s gonna send them like a pound of turrón each.”

“We’re not telling my parents any of this, or my dad is going to have Dennis expelled from school or something equally over the top.”

“Hate to agree with Victor about anything, but I do think-”

Luckily Amy pushes a marshmallow into Jake’s mouth so he can’t finish whatever stupid joke he was going to make.

[randomfandomnerd]

Sunshine and Shadows-Chapter 3

When everything had settled down with all the patients, Will sat next to Nico’s bed, keeping a close eye on him. Thankfully ,the son of Hades was now significantly more solid than he had been a few hours ago, however his sleep was restless and every now and again, he would flinch or mumble something incomprehensible. Will had heard Annabeth talking about nightmares brought on by Gaia and the giants or, before that, the titans. Of course this only ever happened to the major demigods who were sent on quests, like Clarisse, Percy and Piper, or members of the Hypnos cabin, like Clovis. Will had never really had nightmares, but then again, it wasn’t often that he got a lot of sleep. Whenever he tried to sleep, he’d end up lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. He’d think about all the demigods that had died in the two wars. Lee and Michael. And Leo, who had barely arrived at camp before he was sent away to go save the world. Sometimes Will thought about how he felt so helpless that he wasn’t able to heal everyone. If he’d been given a gift that could make him good at fighting, he could have prevented more deaths. People were always saying that healers were essential during battle, but there was no good healing someone if they were dead. Then there was Octavian. Yes, he may have been a 1st-class schmuck, but Will couldn’t help himself for feeling sorry for him. In a camp of highly skilled warriors, he’d had to fake his way to the top. Being as insecure as he was, he’d done everything he could to grab onto any power that drifted his way. Insecurity was no excuse for what he did, but Will kept remembering the moments leading up to Octavian’s death. How he’d called Michael Kahale a good friend until the end.

How not even the person he had seemed closest to had warned him. That look Nico had given him, as if Will was ridiculous for wanting Octavian to live. Of course, it all was ridiculous, and Will was just being the weak and sympathetic healer he was, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that death was never a good punishment for anyone.

At the sound of approaching humming, Will snapped his head round to look at the clock. 11:20. The end of his shift. Will took one last look at Nico, before standing up and heading over to the door, carrying a folder to give to Austin, who was washing his hands.

“What’s that?”

Austin asked, tilting his head towards the folder.

“Your sheet music. Perhaps consider that the infirmary is not the place for these”

Austin guiltily looked down at the new sheet music tucked under his arm that he’d just brought in.

“Sorry Will, I like to keep it on me at all times incase a tune comes into my head that I want to try out later”

Will shook his head and left the folder with Austin, before leaving the infirmary, closing the door gently behind him.

Almost immediately, he was ambushed by a very excited Mitchell. Startled, he let out a tiny squeak that made the son of Aphrodite cackle. Mitchell was very happy with his new head counselor, and had been celebrating by wearing all of his favourite outfits that Drew had called ugly or attention-seeking, without giving a damn about the occasion. Chiron, thoroughly baffled by the apparent unending depths of Mitchell’s wardrobe, had allowed him to.

Currently, he was wearing black skinny jeans, an oversized t-shirt depicting a scene from Howl’s Moving Castle, Doc Martens (bright blue platform heeled ones. Will had no idea how he was able to bounce around in them so much) and copious amounts of black eyeliner. A small hoop with a little golden star dangled from his left earlobe. After waiting for Will to calm down again, he flung his arm round the taller boy and practically dragged him towards the Hephaestus Cabin, chatting away.

“You have no idea how excited I’ve been for this. Apparently he finished it ages ago, but needed to prepare how he was going to show us.”

“He” was Jake Mason, the 3rd part of their unlikely trio of friends, who had been working on a top-secret project in his spare time away from making weapons. The son of Hephaestus took revealing his creations very seriously, and there was always some sort of grand ceremony involved. Will and Jake had always been pretty good friends, and they’d had each other's backs after they’d become head counselors during the Titan War. Mitchell had joined them more recently, after volunteering to help Jake with his recovery after being in a full body cast (his mortal mother was a yoga instructor and he knew a lot about useful stretches and exercises). After physiotherapy sessions, the 3 boys always hung around to chat, and they’d found that they had a lot in common.

Mitchell skipped up to the door of Cabin 9, and enthusiastically knocked on it. It swung open to reveal a very smug-looking Harley, who was holding a tray with 2 glasses on it. Offering them to the 2 older boys, he gestured for them to head up the stairs. Amused, Will took a glass and, upon drinking it, found the contents to be apple juice. At the top of the stairs, Jake was waiting outside their usual room they used to meet up. Jake was wearing jeans, an orange camp t-shirt and the sturdy boots preferred by the Hephaestus kids (protecting them from any heavy equipment they might drop). However this rather ordinary outfit was finished off by a top hat that he’d gotten from gods knew where. Jake had always enjoyed dramatics. When he was at school, he enjoyed creating sets for plays and musicals. Jake stepped aside to usher them both into the room.

Once they were inside, Will took a look around. Their usual chairs had been moved to one side of the room to make way for what appeared to be a large set of theatre curtains. Knowing Jake, it was entirely possible that he’d spent more time on making the presentation than on making the actual product.

When he was satisfied that Mitchell and Will were seated, Jake cleared his throat.

“So, as you know, I have been working on an incredibly top-secret project and I have now decided to give you the grandiose reveal”

Mitchell smirked and muttered in Will’s ear

“Let’s hope that the display doesn’t fall on top of him this time”

Will snorted, remembering the large white sheet that had covered Jake like a little kid being a ghost at halloween when he’d shown them the grandfather clock he'd made that was an exact replica of the one from “Whisper of the Heart”.Jake frowned at them

“That was only one time”,

he grumbled. He quickly dashed over to a console in the wall, flipped a switch, and a spotlight focused on the centre of the curtains, as they began to pull apart, revealing…

“Jake Mason! You didn’t actually do it! I thought that was a joke!”

Will exclaimed. Beside him, Mitchell was looking between them, confused. Jake grinned.

“Yes William, you know I would never joke about something so serious. This is indeed a scale model of an X-Wing fighter, with a cockpit that is the perfect size to hold a cat. And yes, I do fully plan on somehow getting this home to Lola”

Lola was Jake’s mother’s grumpy tabby cat and Jake was the only person she really allowed to pick her up. Jake insisted that this was because she loved him, but Will suspected that it was because he always snuck her extra treats. Jake had many photos of her carefully arranged around his bunk and although she was grumpy, she was very adorable.

Not many people were aware of it, but Will was a MASSIVE Star Wars fan. Back home in Texas, his bedroom at his grandparents’ house had posters all over the walls of his favourite characters, and it was always a treat when he got to watch The Empire Strikes Back (his favourite of all the movies) with his grandfather, who was just as invested as he was.

Will sat back and admired the precise workmanship of the model. Jake had gotten every single detail in, from the shape of the windows, to the markings on the side.

The 3 boys sat down and chatted and, for a while, they were able to forget the horrors and pressures of being demigods, and were able to laugh and talk like 3 ordinary teenagers.

Taglist: @rainbow-sheepofthefamily

@emava04

@percabethfangirl

@nightmareghosts

@luna0713hunter

@seven-halfbloods

[afaimsarrowverse]

The 14 Creepiest Arrowverse Villains:

Yes, this one should have been made for Halloween. But after the year we just had, let’s take comfort in the fact that were are not forced to ever meet this guys here on the street in the dark. While two of the villains on this list had rather big seasonal arcs, I specifically disqualified characters from here, have proper motivations and character arcs as well as villains, who are creepy but at the same time quite a lot of fun. This why you won’t find Alice, her Mouse, Ramsay, Eobard, the Trickster, Mallus, Neron or even the Thinker here.

This list mainly consists of people we want to put back in the box, they got out of, until not seeing them at least for a season or so, and who we want to yell at: „What’s wrong with you!“ while they are on screen.

 14.  Toyman Senior (Winslow Schott Sr., Supergirl, Henry Czerny)

Technically this one should not be on this list, because he was redeemed in Season 5, however that happend after his death and on Earth Prime rather than Supergirls Original Eart,h so we will ignore that for now (also I wrecked my head whom from „Supergirl“ to put on here, so I overlooked that on purpose). Toyman is more creepy as a concept than in reality. He blows up kids (and other than the Trickster is no fun at all while he is doing it), threatened the life of his son to get his wife to leave him and did God knows what else to said wife and son. And did not even stop terrorizing people after his death. Can you imagine growing up as Toyman’s son? Poor Winn, you truly deserved better!

 13. Bug Eyed Bandit (Brie Larvan, Queen Bee, The Flash, Arrow, Emily Kinney)

Yes, it’s because of the Bees. Because she controls Mechanical Bees that sting and kill people! I am sorry, but what’s your problem, can’t you just kill your enemies like a normal person, Brie? Not to mention the whole Felicity-thing, because yes it’s totally normal to go around and kidnap and threaten to get what you want and then try to murder again. I still do not get why they let her into the Young Rogues anyway, but then … most members of that gang were all wrong, weren’t they?

 12. Garfield Lynns (Arrow, Andrew Dunbar)

Most of us have tried to forget about Season 1 Episode „Burned“ for several reasons. But the villain of it is also one of those. Because, yes Mick was a Pyromanic as well, but for more complex reasons. Garfield Lynns was a fire fighter who started burning people and ended burning himself to death because of reasons and … well let’s be honest, he was nuts and burning people is not cool at all!

 11. Jake Simmons (Deathbolt, Arrow, The Flash, Doug Jones)

That’s what you get, if you hire a creature actor (no offense, Doug, we love your work!) to play a psychopatic villain. Occasionally kind of fun, yes, but mostly Simmons is crazy and creepy, and we never liked him very much, but crucial Captain Cold killed him with a flimsey excuse, which no one ever bought, and let’s put it that way: If Leonard killed him just like that, there had to be something wrong with him in a big way, and yes, the hints were there, so, yeah, what a creep.

 10. The Mist (Kyle Nimbus, The Flash, Antony Carrigan)

A former Mob Hitman that looks like that and can turn into Mist. Do I have to say any more? I would take Victor Szasz over this one any day. Because Nimbus … well you would not want to meet him during a misty night, would you?

 9. Murmur (Michael Amar, Arrow, Adrian Glynn McMorran)

This one actually cares about his grandma, I will give him that, but SOMEONE SEWED HIS FUCKING LIPS TOGETHER! So you don’t really like looking at him, and he kind of went over board after he was pressured into joining Damien Darhk with, you know, killing everyone and joining HIVE, who as you recall planned to end the world as wen know it, so what about everyone elses grandmas, they can just die or what? No, Mister Amar, there is quite a lot wrong with you, that’s for sure.

 8. Everyman (Hannibal Bates, The Flash, Various)

That one could be a tragedy, but well, he got so mixed up and wrong in the head, that he became a danger to everyone else. He is creepy trapped between shapes and he is creepy in other shapes because … you don’t just go around and kiss random women, who think you are somebody else. That is just wrong. But Bates is kind of mostly wrong, so, yeah.

 7. Anthony Ivo (Arrow, Dylan Neal)

Ivo is Sara’s Personal Case of #Metoo, which really should be enough to earn him a spot on this list, but there is also his habit of keeping people in cages and the whole „You have to choose, whom I shoot dead!“- thing and all of that is only the tip of the iceberg. Not even Dylan Neal can stop me from wanting to scream at the top of my lungs: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! at Dr. Ivo.

 6. Nocturna (Natalia Knight, Batwoman, Kayla Ewell)

We all know the story how Nocturna was not allowed to show up in the Animated Batman Series in the 90s, because she was considered too disturbing (Morbius on the other hand was allowed to show up in the Spider-Man Cartoon but had to … undergo some changes, which made a perfectly good vampire into the creepies cartoon-villain ever unleashed on kids and scarred me for life, but that’s another story). Here she finally is, and yes, she is rather disturbing. Because she acutally knows very well that she isn’t a vampire, but still strings her victims up and bleeds them out, after biting them with laced spikey teeth. It would be kinky, if it were the least bit sexy, which it totally isn’t, so yeah, put her away for good please.

 5. Vandal Savages Hawk Creatures (Legends of Tomorrow, Various)

Season 1 of „Legends“ was quite different than what came after, but „Night of the Hawk“ was an early highlight. While it was kind of a parody, being Season 1 it still played it straight for the most part, which resulted in an episode with the vibe of „American Horror Story“: We are in on the joke, but it’s still Horror. No wonder, after all Joe Dante directed this one. Vandal Savage turned poor teenagers into hawklike monsters, that no one would want to meet … ever. So yeah, thanks, but no thanks.

 4.      August Cartwright (Ethan Campell, Batwoman, John Emmet Tracy, Sebastian Roche)

Oh, God, that guy. So his mother wasn’t particulary ... nice, but that is no excuse to kidnap, gaslight, and brainwash a young girl, keep that girl’s mother’s head in a fridge for years, turn said girl into a slave and get her to make facemasks out of actual human face! Nor is that any excuse for fear-gasing your own son just because you are mad at him. Or anything in any way related to face-stealing, ,killing, identitiy theft, or anything else Dr. Cartwright has ever been up to. Like, seriously it has been a long time a character that desevers to be hated that much has been on our televions screens. Creepy Creep!

 3. Duela Dent (Batwoman, Alessandra Torresani)

Female Slashers have become kind of a common trope in fiction by now, but Duela is kind of different. Suffering from a pretty extreme version of of body dysmorphic disorder Duela sees beauty through a different lense than the rest of the world (we will never forget what she deems to be her face being perfect, even though we desperatly want to). So yeah, she slashes faces, mainly her own, is out to punish people, who force beauty ideals on her and othes, and somehow has no problem with … donating her face to Alice. … Can someone please get that poor woman help, I mean, seriously?!

 2.      Rag Doll (Peter Merkel, The Flash, Troy James, Phil LaMarr)

He did make Joe West throw up. And not only him. Rag Doll is plains disgusting. So disgusting actually, that the producers dialed him back in Season 6 and used more CG and less pratical „Troy James freaks us out“- bending. But while he could be fun all elongaty, we actually prefer him as his creepy original Season 5 Self. He is demented, wears a creepy mask, acts creepy, and we really don’t want to see him do his stuff but can’t look away at the same time. I have no idea why he was in the Young Rogues either, because he is really mainly creepy – und would be the Overcreep on this list, if it weren’t for….

 1.      The Dollmaker (Barton Mathis, The Broken Doll Killer, Arrow, Michael Eklund)

I am still amazed to this day that they were allowed to make this episode. You have to remember „Arrow“ had been only on for one Season at this point and „The 100“ was still about to premier. The CW was yet to change it’s image. Still they somehow got to made the Dollmaker-Episode, which left us disturbed to this very day. What Mathis was doing to his victims …. Well not only Quentin got nightmares about it. Poor Laurel went understandable full addict after almost being made into a puppet by him. So, Rag Doll might look creepier, but the Dollmaker is one of this Serial Killers we never want to even hear from again. It’s really no wonder he was an one-off, like I said, I am still amazed they were even allowed to make the episode on Network Television let alone The CW at all.

[my-love-jake-love]

(Untitled 🙃) (MC's strange premonition 3)

* FBI Teddy approaches the FBI Chief *

FBI Teddy: I ​​don't want to get involved in your case, but do you really want her to die?

FBI chief: what are you!? Of course not. When she'll get worse, she herself will tell us everything

FBI Teddy: But I don’t think so, I don’t want to be clever, but wouldn’t it be better to accept her terms, at least we could find Hannah. If she dies, then we can't find Hannah or Jake.

Chief FBI: She won't die. That hacker is definitely come for her, you saw how much she wants us not to hunt Jake. so they are somehow close.

FBI Teddy: I think it'll be too late before he gets here.

Chief FBI: WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO THEN? WE RECEIVED AN ORDER TO FIND THE HACKER. THEY'RE NOT INTERESTED IN HANNAH'S DISAPPEARANCE!

FBI Teddy: JUST TALK TO HER IN A CALMER TONE.

FBI Chief: YEAH, I ALREADY TRIED IT. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME.

FBI Teddy: Then leave it to me, maybe I can do it

FBI Chief: Do what you want! I'm already tired of this story!

FBI Teddy: I won't let you down! Bring the MC to the interview room.

FBI Teddy: Hi, my name is Teddy. Now I’m to investigate your case.

MC: ...

Teddy: There's nothing you want to say to me?

MC: What should I say to you?

Teddy: Well ... for example, that it was nice to meet you ...

MC: I'm VERY HAPPY!!!

Teddy: Hmm… Do you want to eat or drink anything?

MC: no…

Teddy: But you don't look like it…

MC: I said NO!

Teddy: Okay, let's continue… We need to find Hannah as soon as possible. Before she gets hurt…

We really need your help… You know a lot about the man without a face, please help us.            

MC: I told you, I'll help you if you stop following Jake.

Teddy:  understand us, he made a very big mistake that cannot just be forgiven, we received an order to catch him, it's all out of our hands…

MC: I promise you, he won't do it again, he won't tell anyone what he saw there, I don't even know what he looks like. Please ... you can do something * MC is crying * or tell them he committed suicide and something like that ...            Teddy: If you don't even know what he looks like, why are you so worried about him? Is he your brother? a relative?

MC: ... he's... my friend. Best friend!

TEDDY: ... okay, I agree. We'll stop chasing Jake. And you will answer all my questions about the loss of Hannah, and follow my orders, ok?

MC: really!? I agree! * MC smiles*

Teddy: * smiles back * my first order: you have to eat something, then rest, otherwise you have no strength at all, you owe us healthy.

MC: can I call Jessy first? I just want to warn her that I'm all right, she's probably very worried…

Teddy: I have to ask first ... although you know, I'd rather take you to her. Only on the condition that you promise to be ready by 8 in the morning tomorrow, I will pick you up from there, we need to make a plan for our future actions…

MC: Are you kidding?!

TEDDY: No. Just so no one knows about our plan, okay?

MC:  Of course!

FBI Chief: Teddy come here

Teddy: I'm coming ... and I'll be right back

FBI Chief: ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU JUST WANT TO LET HER GO? SHE'LL RUN AWAY!

TEDDY: No, he won't. I believe her. I saw the truth in her eyes.

FBI Chief: IF SHE ESCAPES OR IF YOU FAIL TO FIND HANNAH, YOU WILL BE PUNISHED, CRUELLY PUNISHED!

Teddy: I know, just let me do what I think is right.

Chief FBI: you have a week to find Hannah, if you do not succeed, then you will be fired

Teddy: OK

Teddy: Come on, I'll take you to Jessy's

MC: Is everything all right? What did they tell you?

Teddy: Nothing interesting, let's go ...

MC: okay

 Teddy:  this is Jessy's house

MC: Thank you so much Teddy, I owe you one  

Teddy: Just don't forget, you have to be ready by 8am tomorrow. If they ask you why I'm picking you up, tell them you need to sign some documents.              

MC: OK, thank you Teddy * gets down from the car*

Teddy: Wait, MC!

MС: what happened?                                                                                  

Teddy: * gets down from the car and opens the trunk* Here, take this, it's your suitcase.

MC: thank you…

TEDDY: I have to go, see you tomorrow.

MC: See you tomorrow Theo *MC smiles*

Teddy smiles back and walks away*

 * knock-knock* *Jessy opens the door*

JESSY: MC?! THE GUYS ARE MS!!! * hugs her*

All: WHAT?!

MC: Jessy ...   I've missed you so much

JESSY: Come in... sit down here...  

Richy: MC... are you all right?

Phil: I missed you…

Dan: Welcome back.

Cleo: MC ...  I'm so glad to see you.                                                                

Thomas: what did they tell you?

Lilly: You were found not guilty?

MC: Guys take turns... I'll tell you all everything… I'm all right…

Yes, they found me not guilt ... only I have to go there for several days in order to sign several documents ...                                                                             Richy: What other documents?

MC: Well ... about what I don't know who Jake is…

Jessy: By the way, Jake, do you think it's worth telling MC about Jake?

МС: Did something happen to him?  What are you hiding from me?

Jessy: Nothing, Jake called us and said he was worried about you.                

MC: Is he all right? But I thought your cell phones were taken away

Lilly: Yes, it was, but this phone just appeared in my bag by itself

MC: Where is this phone now? I need to talk to him!

Dan: Well, no… I won't let you call him... you've already suffered for him…

MC: Jessy ... where is this phone? Give it to me please…

JESSY: Of course ... but he called from an unknown number. We'll have to wait for his call. During this time, we will order dinner and have dinner together!

Dan: great idea

Jessy: and MC will answer all our questions, do you agree MC?

MC: of course!

*at the table, everyone was laughing and asking MС different questions, and MС was most waiting for Jake to call*

* phone rings*

MC: IT'S JAKE!  WHERE'S THE PHONE?

Jessy: MC calm down, here it is…

Dan: Hm... I have to teach him a lesson. MC give me the phone ...  

MC: What do you want to do?

Dan: You'll see... *picks up the phone*  

Jake: Any news on MC?

DAN: YES! SHE'S DEAD NOW ARE YOU HAPPY?

JAKE: What the hell are you talking about?

Dan: YOU COULDN'T SAVE HER!

JAKE: IT COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED!

Dan:  BUT IT DID!                                          

Jake: I don't believe you!

Dan: If you don't believe me, come to MC's funeral tomorrow. You'll see for yourself

Jake: WHAT?! BUT...*he's crying* What have I done?!

Dan: YOUR TEARS WON'T HELP YOU, THEY WON'T BRING MС BACK TO LIFE!

MC: Give me the phone. It's not funny anymore…

Jake: MС?!

Dan: Even that's not enough for him!

JAKE: MC! YOU... YOU'RE ALIVE! I - I was so scared…

MС: with me everything is in order… Don't mind Dan, he's just kidding.

Jake: I don't know what would happen if it was true... * crying* I'd go crazy

MС: Everyone calm down... you have no idea how happy I am... to know that you are safe

Jake: They didn't hurt you?

MС: Don't worry, I'm fine.

Jake: You'd better get out of Duskwood. It's safer that way.

MС: I'll leave when I find Hannah

Jake: You better leave now

MС: But Hannah needs my help                                                                      

Jake: I can't put you in danger because of her quest. I'll think of something. I'll find her myself.

If that maniac finds out you're here, he might hurt you, too. And I won't let you suffer again. I'm going to book you a plane ticket and you'll be on the first flight back to your city!

MС: But Jake…

Jake: And without any, BUT!

MС: Sorry Jake, I'm not leaving until I find Hannah. Bye. * hangs up the phone*

JESSY: Yeah, he's right. You go to your city.

MC: Do you really want me to leave? *phone ringing, the MC rejects the call*

MC: Nothing will happen to me ... trust me. * Jake made it so that he could listen to their conversation*                                                                                     Jessy: You misunderstood me, you have no idea how much I want you to stay, I don't want to lose you too MC, understand…

MC: I can't leave now Jessy... I have to sign some documents don't you remember?  

Jake: What other MC documents? * there is a sound from the phone *

MC: how did you do it?!

Jake: I ask what other documents, MC?!  

Dan: Hey you, stop yelling at the MC!

MC: I just need to sign documents saying I don't know you

Jake: MC, you think I don't know how the FBI works?! They don't do that! Why are you lying to me?! (if in real life need to sign documents, just imagine that in this universe they don't do that, I just couldn't find any information about it 😁)

Thomas: Are you lying?! MC, did you lie to us?

Dan: MC?

MC: No! I'm telling you the truth!

Jake: MC, please tell me the truth, I'll help you. Why did they let you go?

MC: I'm telling you the truth! Believe me! * MC is crying*

JESSY: That's enough! Leave her alone! If she said she was telling the truth, then that's the whole truth! Everyone, it's time for you all to go home. Jake that's enough. Just call back tomorrow.

Jake: I'll get to the truth! *the phone is disconnected*

Richy: Okay, guys, let's go... that's enough for today

Phil: MC, if you want, I'll take you to my place.

JESSY: PHIL!

Phil: I just suggested it

JESSY: JUST GO! Come on, MC, I'll show you to your room

*Everyone's gone *

Jessy: Do you want to talk to me about anything?

MC: I want to be alone

JESSY: Then good night, MC

MC: Jessy ... thank you for everything ...

Jessy: We're friends, and friends don't leave each other in the lurch * Jessy leaves *

MC: This is all for your own salvation Jake.

 END OF THE THIRD PART

[gyll-yee-haw]

Birthday special

Hi! I know it's late, but I had a huge block in the middle of this one! Anyways, happy birthday to the love of my life ❤

Prompt: (requested) teasing Jake in front of his family.

Warnings: teasing in public, daddy kink, praise kink.

Like 1.9k words

---

It was Jake's birthday. One of your favorite days of the year, because you loved to spoil him. Not only with presents, but it was the perfect excuse to let your inner slut out.

But this year, your plans were kinda crushed. All these last years, you two would celebrate it with his family on the weekend, but this year, he decided to have dinner at his mother's house on the actual day of his birthday.

There was nothing you could do. You just wanted to see him happy… And you loved his family. Even thought his epic birthday sex would have to be just a quickie now, if he didn't come back too tired from dinner and decided to sleep. You wouldn't let that happen.

You put on a red dress. Simple, but looked great on you. No underwear. You wouldn't have time for that. And finally… That one perfume. The one you would always use when you wanted to drive Jake crazy, even though you two had never actually talked about it, you simply knew him.

"Babe, are you ready?" Jake entered the room, making you hide the perfume in your purse. "Wow… You look so beautiful."

"Thank you." You turned to face him and smiled like nothing happened. "Yes, I'm ready now."

Everything was normal until you got in the car. He froze for a second, staring at nothing and thinking. You sat there in silence for a while.

"Are you okay?" You finally asked.

"What are you doing, Y/N?" He said, without looking at you.

"Waiting for you to drive." You chuckled.

"That's the perfume you use when you've got something filthy in mind." He finally started the car. "I hope you're not planning anything, we're going to see my family now."

"What?" You tried your best to play innocent. "I had never noticed this, Jake. I mean it. It's a fancy perfume, I only use it on special occasions."

"Right. Sorry." He was truly ashamed.

That reaction was better than you expected. Not only he was turned on, but he thought it was all in his head… That meant you could tease him a little more.

---

You played with his nieces until Maggie sent them to bed. Of course you wouldn't do anything

inappropriate while they were in the room. After you said goodnight to them, the games started.

When Maggie was in the kid's bedroom, putting them to bed and Peter was in the kitchen, helping Jake's mom with something, you were left alone with him in the living room. You knew you didn't have much time.

You were both sitting on the sofa quietly until the idea hit you. You threw your phone on the floor, carefully not to break it, but trying to make it look like an accident.

Before he could pick it up for you, you stood up and bended over in front of him, unnecessarily much, until you exposed your unclothed pussy. You kept that position until you were sure he took a good look, then picked your phone up and sat beside him innocently.

When you looked at his face, you had to bite your lip to hold back a smirk. His eyes were wide and his lips were partly open.

"I knew you were planning something." He whispered.

"What are you talking about?" You batted your eyes.

"Why aren't you wearing anything under your dress?" He pulled your dress up and squeezed the fabric between his fingers.

"We left the house in a hurry." You spreaded your legs a little. "Guess I forgot."

"Oh, you forgot?" He used his other hand to run two fingers through your folds, making you gasp and buck your hips. "Because I clearly remember telling you not to be a little slut earlier in the car."

You heard steps approaching and Jake quickly removed his hand and fixed your dress.

"Peter prepared some drinks for us." His mom announced. "Won't you join?"

"Of course." You smiled politely.

Jake looked at you surprised at how fast you could change your tone.

---

You decided to give Jake a break, so he could actually enjoy some family time. But while everyone was laughing and drinking, you were planning your next step. And now you wouldn't be alone, so you had to be careful.

You and Jake were sitting side by side, Maggie, Peter and Naomi were on the other side of the table.

Then you remembered that your perfume was in your purse. You touched Jake's leg to make him look under the table. When he did, you opened your purse and showed him the perfume. His eyes landed on yours and you knew that expression. It was a challenge.

So you stood up and excused yourself to go to the bathroom. The look on Jake's face made it clear you would regret that. But you knew you wouldn't. At least, not for now.

While you were gone, Jake kept checking his phone every second. He thought you were going to send him a nude or some naughty text. But no. You came back and sat by his side like nothing happened. He took a look at your entire body, but there was nothing different. Then he realised you took your purse to the bathroom with you. So he leaned towards your neck slowly, to see if you had put more perfume on. But the smell was still the same too.

You grabbed your phone and he could see you were typing something for him, but he couldn't see what it was.

It was driving him crazy, he knew you were doing something, but he couldn't figure it out.

Then his phone vibrated and he almost dropped his glass.

"Are you okay?" Maggie asked.

"Yeah, sorry." He placed the glass on the table and you couldn't help but laugh.

He eagerly unlocked his phone and saw it was a message from you.

'It's not on my neck. It's on my thighs.'

He looked down again and you spread your legs a little, making the perfume fill the air.

"You know what?" He said out loud, making the blood leave your skin for a second. "I guess I already drank too much. We should go home."

"I hope Y/N is driving, then." His mom said.

"Of course." You smiled, trying not to sound too happy.

---

You got in the car ready to be yelled at, but he didn't say anything in the first 10 minutes. He was planning his words very carefully.

"As I was saying..." He finally broke the silence. "I asked you to behave tonight."

"Didn't I?" You asked innocently.

"What do you think?" He chuckled. "You know what? If I could ask anything for my birthday, I'd ask you to be a good girl. At least for once."

"I am a good girl." You whispered, keeping your eyes on the road.

"Good girls don't go visit their mother-in-law with no panties." He lifted your skirt.

"Jake." You squeezed the wheel. "I'm driving."

"Okay." He fixed your dress again.

Silence again.

"It's still your birthday, though." You shrugged.

"Yeah?"

"I can be a good girl for you."

"I think it's a little too late now."

"Please."

"Please what?"

"Let me be a good girl for you."

"If you think you can make up for what you've done earlier." He sighed. "This is how it's gonna be..."

---

By the time you got home, Jake had finished explaining his plan. You were soaked just by hearing what he was going to do to you, and you wouldn't dare to disrespect him now.

The first thing you had to do was take off your dress and wait for you in the bedroom. On your knees. A few minutes on that position felt like hours, until he entered the bedroom with your purse in his hand.

"You see this?" He picked your perfume up. "From now, you'll only wear this when I tell you to, do you understand?"

"Yes, daddy." You nodded, watching him placing it inside his drawer.

"Okay." He approached, towering you. "Now I'll remember you of tonight's rule. You're only allowed you to come when I decide that you've been a good girl. So far, you've been the worst."

"Sorry, daddy."

"Don't waste your time apologizing." He lifted your chin with his fingers. "Make me change my mind."

He moved his fingers from your chin to your lips, and you opened your mouth allowing him to push them inside. You kept your eyes locked on his and sucked his fingers.

"Do you wanna sit on daddy's cock?" He asked casually, and you nodded eagerly, and he removed his fingers from your mouth so you could speak. "Why should I let you?"

"Wanna make you feel good." You begged. "Please, sir."

"Just because you used your manners." He started taking his clothes off and you were about to stand up. "Don't move until I tell you to."

You waited on your knees, trying your best not to rub your thighs together, he always punished you for that.

When he was finally naked, he sat on the bed and began to stroke himself.

"You're so so beautiful." You looked at him with love in your eyes. If there was something that made him lose his mind harder than your perfume, was hearing you praise him.

"Stand up, come here." He patted his lap.

You didn't waste any time and did as he said, but when you sat on his lap, he grabbed your thighs and forced them open, pulling you close. He placed the tip of his dick on your entrance and kissed you passionately. His hands went from your thighs to your hips and he pulled you down, finally entering you.

"You're so big." You moaned against his lips, still working on his praise kink.

"Fuck, y/n." He groaned, controlling your hips movement with his tight grip.

"You love it when I tell you that you got a big cock, don't you, daddy?" You took his lower lip between your teeth.

"Yeah. Cause it just shows what a fucking slut you are. A slut that likes to feel full, don't I make you feel full?" He kept going faster and deeper, moving his hips with yours now.

"Yes, daddy. You do. Fill me up so good." You almost screamed as you threw your head back.

"But you can take all of it." He said, absolutely pounding you. "Do you know what I think you are?"

He positioned your hips in a way that your clit constantly collided with his hips, making you scream his name.

"Please, say it." You tried to focus, but everything felt to good at that moment: the pressure on your clit, his cock deep inside you and his lips marking your neck. "Please, daddy, I can't hold it anymore."

"I think you're a very good girl." He said cockly and that was the sign that meant you were allowed to come.

Didn't take you much longer after those words finally left his lips. And soon, he was spilling himself inside you as well.

You collapsed into his chest and he held you lovingly.

"Happy birthday, daddy." You sighed.

"Thank you, babygirl." He chuckled. "I swear my presents just get better every year. But just wait until we're spending your birthday with your family…"

[staircasttext]

Ep 20 Transcript: Don't Put Cobwebs on Your Cat

Episode 20

[intro music]

PAZ: Hi everyone, welcome back to Stairway to Starclan, a Warriors Cat reread pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: And I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we are here today to discuss-- fuck, I wanted to say Fire and Ice again. Forest of Secrets, chapter 11 through 14. Very dramatic chapters, I would say, especially after last week where I don't think much really happened.

JULIAN: A lot of secrets in this here forest.

PAZ: They just keep happening. You know, we've been watching Word of Honor, and like, people having, like, skins all the time. This is the same thing with I guess, too many fucking secrets. Too many guys here and there's too many secrets.

LIZ: Guys and sons.

PAZ: Too many forbidden children in Forest of Secrets, I would say.

JULIAN: It's dramatic parallels.

PAZ: I can go into the summaries now, if we're all...

LIZ: Sure.

PAZ: Good.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Okay. Chapter 11. Fireheart and the rest of the patrol head back to camp after seeing that the river is flooded. They report to Bluestar, who holds a meeting about the flood and how dangerous it is, not just for ThunderClan, but everyone. She puts Tigerclaw in charge of sending patrols to see how far the flood reaches, and Fireheart and Graystripe volunteer so that Graystripe can secretly check on Silverstream. At Sunningrocks, they find some kits trapped in the flood, and Fireheart tries to swim to them. Graystripe is terrified of the river, since he almost drowned before, and can't go in. Fireheart is close to getting both kits to safety when he loses one under the water.

Chapter 12, Graystripe manages to save the drowning kit, and Fireheart gets the other kit to safety. They both decide to return the kits to RiverClan. When they reach RiverClan, they find out the kids belong to Mistyfoot. Leopardfur, another RiverClan warrior-- she's actually a deputy. Leopardfur, the RiverClan deputy--

LIZ: Shit.

PAZ: --is still suspicious of Fireheart and Graystripe, so she takes them to talk to Crookedstar. On the way there, they see that the RiverClan camp is flooded. Crookedstar is skeptical of their story, but Mistyfoot says it makes sense, so he grudgingly agrees. Fireheart offers to help, but Crookedstar refuses at first. Graypool and the medicine cat Mudfur reveal that the river has been poisoned by Twoleg trash, and that RiverClan cats have been getting sick from the fish. Fireheart is conflicted once again about clan loyalty, but remembers Bluestar's words about the welfare of all clans being important. He offers to catch prey for RiverClan until they can recover, and Crooked accepts.

Chapter 13, Fireheart and Graystripe are up early again to hunt for RiverClan secretly. Cloudkit follows them and begs to come along, but Fireheart tells him to stay home because he and Graystripe are doing a special warrior mission. Graystripe hopes Cloudkit won't reveal that he saw them.

At RiverClan, Silverstream asks Graystripe to feed the elders with her, while Fireheart helps Stonefur with the nursing queens. Fireheart thinks about how strange it is that Stonefur is half ThunderClan and half RiverClan, and how Stonefur doesn't even know. He goes to see Graystripe, who excitedly tells him that Silverstream is going to have his kits.

LIZ: Oh shit.

PAZ: [dully] Yay. Chapter 14, Fireheart is distressed about the news, because Graystripe won't ever be able to claim the kits as his and may even have to fight them someday because they're in another clan. Silverstream and Graystripe know they have to stay secret, but insist things will be okay. Fireheart is still worried, remembering everything with Mistyfoot and Stonefur.

On the way back to ThunderClan, Cloudkit shows up, proud because he successfully tracked Fireheart and Graystripe. He asks what they were doing in RiverClan territory, and Tigerclaw ominously emerges out of nowhere, asking the same thing. Fireheart says they wanted to check on the flood, but Tigerclaw doesn't believe him, questions Fireheart's loyalty again, says they're all in trouble, and takes them back to camp.

At camp, Tigerclaw tells Bluestar how he found one disobedient kit and two traitors. Bluestar allows Fireheart to explain to her in private without Tigerclaw. Cloudkit's punishment is helping the elders again, but Fireheart knows he enjoys it. Fireheart and Graystripe explain about saving RiverClan's kits and their food problems. Bluestar understands but says they've lied, broken the warrior code, and acted impulsively, so they will live as apprentices for now. She also seems very concerned and asks if any RiverClan warriors have died in the flood, (they haven't,) which puzzles Fireheart. And that's the end of the reading this week.

LIZ: Whew.

PAZ: I mean, we tweeted it, but my note in chapter 11 is just Graystripe, unimpressed face.

JULIAN: Yeah, I just have Graystripe, oh my god.

PAZ: Problems after problems. I'm gonna blame the flood on Graystripe too. I don't know how, but it's his fault.

JULIAN: Just like, buddy. Buddy, I know you're stressed about your girlfriend, but.

PAZ: Yeah, he's like, we have to go sneak off to RiverClan right now.

LIZ: Right now, immediately.

JULIAN: Right now this instant. It is nice that Bluestar is like, oh, you know, the flood is bigger than clan rivalry, because a lot of the ThunderClan cats are just like, fuck RiverClan. This flood is not a problem. And it's like, well, it is.

PAZ: Yeah, right? I think the elders are also like, yeah, this is everyone's problem. Floods are bad. I think we were saying last episode, like oh, RiverClan's camping on an island is great defense. Well, uh, except when it floods, I guess. I didn't think about that.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: What else happened in chapter 11? Hold on.

JULIAN: I mean there's the whole kit, there's the kit drama.

PAZ: Oh yeah, that's the start of it. There's so much baby endangerment in this series.

JULIAN: The child-- this was like very stressful to read.

PAZ: Yeah, it was upsetting.

LIZ: Like the way it ends is so... right?

PAZ: What, chapter 11?

LIZ: Yeah, chapter 11, when, like, ugh. You guys talked earlier like in the show about like wow, there's a lot of baby death or something. And I keep expecting it like right now, whenever right now is.

JULIAN: I also keep expecting it right now. Cause I know it's coming, but I just don't remember when it is. The RiverClan cats, when they bring the kits back, are like--

PAZ: I know.

JULIAN: --surprisingly laissez faire about like the return of these two kits that they thought were dead.

PAZ: Yeah, they're more like-- they're more emotional about being suspicious. Like, they're like, how dare you steal these kits, not like, oh my God, thank God they're alive.

JULIAN: It's like, hey, these children were-- you thought these children were dead and they're not. This is a miracle. What's wrong with you?

PAZ: These are like baby babies, too.

JULIAN: Yeah, they're still nursing.

PAZ: I want to find the description.

LIZ: They're just like, they're at the bean stage, you know?

PAZ: Here's the description. It's so sad. "They were both very small, still suckling from their mother. One was black and one gray, their fur plastered against their tiny bodies and their brilliant blue eyes wide with terror."

LIZ: No, they're so small.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: Oh, they're so tiny.

LIZ: Save them.

PAZ: And Fireheart was like, they might be too young to even understand what I'm saying. They're so small.

JULIAN: Ahhh.

PAZ: I feel like this is the second time somebody has rescued a cat from a different clan from the river. And everyone's like, why the fuck would you do that, again. And it's like, why is this not just accepted? You don't let other people drown.

JULIAN: Right, like even if they're from a different clan, they're still, you know.

PAZ: Yeah, so weird.

LIZ: Like, they can see each other and not fight, so I don't get why this is such a big leap. Like, they have a conference.

JULIAN: It's so hard for me to tell what level of value is placed on life, I guess. Because on the one hand it's like, oh, you know, like, there's a lot of stuff about like, oh, the cat's lives are like the most important or whatever. But then like, they're very laissez faire about death.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean like babies die all the time apparently, I guess. I don't know. Maybe it's like how people were in the Middle Ages. It's like people die all the time. Gotta get used to it, I guess. Don't name our children until, like, five months after they're born or something.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: Yeah, I wonder, like when kits get names.

PAZ: I have no idea. I feel like that's probably said more explicitly somewhere. I'm sure when babies of main characters are born we'll find that out.

LIZ: It's not like... Bluestar doesn't name all of them, does she?

PAZ: No, no, I think the moms name them.

JULIAN: Yeah, the mom gets to name the like prefix, and then the leader gets the like warrior suffix.

PAZ: Cloudkit was just a special situation cause his mother gave him up to this cult.

LIZ: God. What do you think his name could have been? It might just be like Snowball.

PAZ: Marshmallow.

LIZ: Marshmallow.

JULIAN: Aw.

LIZ: Beanbun.

PAZ: Beanbun?

LIZ: Custard.

PAZ: Mm, Custard.

LIZ: Whipped Cream.

PAZ: Pastry Cream.

JULIAN: We can pull back up that list of kittypet names.

LIZ: Jeremy.

PAZ: Jeremy.

JULIAN: He's a real Jeremy of a cat.

LIZ: Just like a normal guy name, like Donal...van.

PAZ: Don...

JULIAN: [laughter]

PAZ: Donalvan?

LIZ: Willothy.

PAZ: Hmm.

JULIAN: Just a guy.

LIZ: Ashtopher. Jake. Wait, shit.

PAZ: No, that's taken. They rescue the kits, thankfully. No child death yet.

LIZ: Mm-mm.

JULIAN: No child death.

LIZ: Not yet.

PAZ: They go back to RiverClan.

JULIAN: They go to RiverClan. RiverClan sucks.

PAZ: They suck and they're stupid.

JULIAN: Come on, y'all.

PAZ: Yeah, like it doesn't make sense, like why would-- they accuse them of stealing the kits, and it's like, why would they be walking back towards your territory if that were the case?

JULIAN: Right? Also who's kit stealing, like in the middle of a flood? Also, the specter of kit stealing has come up several times.

PAZ: I don't remember it being so prominent.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: I don't remember it being so prominent either. But also like, we have yet to see or hear about like an actual instance of kit stealing

PAZ: Well, Broken....

JULIAN: Oh, okay Brokenstar.

PAZ: Brokenstar did it in the first book. Cause he was a sicko.

JULIAN: But he was comically evil.

PAZ: Yeah, he was a real sicko.

JULIAN: We haven't seen anyone like a little bit normal, do it.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't really see the-- I guess the advantage is like you get more warriors, but I don't know.

JULIAN: You have to feed them.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, I forget who made the argument in RiverClan, but it's like why would they do that? It's winter and no one can feed themselves anyway. I don't know. I feel like if you're like, if you don't have enough warriors because your babies are already dying, stealing more is not going to help. It won't solve the health problems.

JULIAN: Right. You're just gonna kill those.

LIZ: I don't think so.

JULIAN: I just-- I feel like maybe you should, you know, look to your own clan and solve the problems that are leading to your kit death.

PAZ: If you want to steal kits, you should go steal kittypet kits because they're like ubermensch, because they'll be vaccinated. And you can create an army of super warriors.

JULIAN: There you go.

PAZ: That's what you need to be doing.

JULIAN: All the clan cats are like, oh, kittypets are so weak. And it's like, no.

LIZ: They're super.

JULIAN: They're never gonna get heartworm.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Yeah, not gonna get rabies.

JULIAN: And they eat regularly. So I think they can take you.

PAZ: They won't suffer from malnutrition in their youth.

JULIAN: Fireheart does suggest sharing resources in this chapter, and I'm just like, oh, good for you.

PAZ: Yeah, it was very nice of Fireheart, but I'm also like, you're so stupid. Why would you say...

JULIAN: Oh, it's super dumb. It's like the dumbest idea he's ever had, but it is very sweet.

PAZ: His heart's so big, it overpowered his brain.

JULIAN: Like again, I think he's got the right idea about like, we should all band together as cats in the forest and pool our resources. However, you're gonna get your butt whooped.

LIZ: Yes, absolutely.

PAZ: Yeah, this wasn't even a like, oh, I'll go ask Bluestar about it.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Because she already said like oh, this is a problem bigger than WindClan. He's just like, No, we'll do it. No worries.

LIZ: Fireheart.

JULIAN: I don't understand why they didn't tell Bluestar about saving the kits, like immediately. Surely she couldn't have gotten mad at them for that.

PAZ: Yeah, like that is not something that will get you in trouble because they're literal--

LIZ: Babies.

PAZ: Infants. I mean, I don't know, unless you're like a real sicko, but I... Bluestar has said like right before they left like, no fighting right now. Everyone's drowning. And then this chapter also brings up the weird specter of environmental pollution again with the RiverClan river. And I couldn't tell. I'm like, is this like pollution, or is it just like people are camping and throwing trash in the river, cause those are different levels of pollution.

JULIAN: Right, like how many people are dumping trash in the river that like all of the fish are poisoned?

PAZ: Yeah, like radioactive rat poison or something in the water. This is like the rural English countryside. What could they be dumping?

LIZ: Maybe it's like farm waste?

PAZ: Maybe.

JULIAN: That's possible. I'm looking at the map.

PAZ: Yeah, but I think it was specifically like, oh, Twolegs came to like hang out here or something upstream in a way that, like, sounded like, just like campgrounds to me.

LIZ: Yeah, like what did these individuals release?

PAZ: Exactly.

LIZ: God, what was that, um, like that clam or something? Like a mollusk that was like an invasive mollusk that was riding around in those moss balls?

JULIAN: Oh, zebra mussels.

PAZ: The zebra or whatever?

JULIAN: Zebra mussels.

LIZ: What if it was that?

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: One person with one aquarium like oh fuck, I gotta get rid of these moss balls.

JULIAN: Zebra mussels are super awful.

LIZ: Yes, they're terrible.

PAZ: Can cats eat mollusks? Hold on.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, I wonder if they--

LIZ: They might if they can open them.

JULIAN: How would they get them open?

PAZ: Well, I don't know, if you whack it against a rock.

LIZ: Well, how are they gonna whack it?

PAZ: Drop it from a high height. Can cats eat mollusks?

LIZ: Like an eagle.

PAZ: Yeah, exactly.

JULIAN: Or they can bang it on a rock.

PAZ: These cats have a society. They can get up high and drop a clam. Yes.

JULIAN: They could do it like otters do.

PAZ: They can have them as a treat or a small portion of their diets occasionally.

LIZ: As a treat.

PAZ: Can cats thrive on bivalves?

JULIAN: [typing] Do feral cats eat mollusks?

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: This is just giving me a lot of cat nutrition information which I don't care about.

PAZ: Can cats eat snails?

LIZ: Well, can they?

JULIAN: A lot of this is saying that cats will eat bugs.

PAZ: Oh yeah, Kip ate a fly for me the other day.

JULIAN: Aw, good for him.

PAZ: He's eaten a spider for me before. Yes, cats do eat snails.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: "It's an unusual thing, though, since a cat will likely play with it and leave it afterwards. If by playing, they could crack the snail out of his shell, the cat may eat it as a treat."

LIZ: God.

PAZ: "If you think that's all there is to snails, then you're wrong. Read on and see for yourself."

LIZ: Oh, oh my.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: Maybe the wild cats don't know about this.

PAZ: Yeah, get a little snail salad going on.

LIZ: Yeah, they've only been eating like, you know, prey, like mice and fish and stuff. They need to get into shellfish. England has snails. That has to happen.

JULIAN: England does have snails.

PAZ: "A simple stomp or a drop from an elevated platform can create a crack in the shell for cats."

JULIAN: Ah, how fun.

PAZ: "With a broken shell, it may be the end of the snail."

LIZ: Damn. RIP.

PAZ: I don't know how accurate this article is, but it's so funny.

JULIAN: It's very funny. I found a thing with a bunch of interviews about how cats got into eating fish, because wild cats are originally desert animals. David Critchard, from Exeter in Devon, UK: "I would say that cats like meat. The type is largely irrelevant. A friend and I once experimented with some domestic cats, both pampered house cats and feral cats from the farms on my friend's estate. The meat they liked most was offal, raw liver or kidney above all, but spleen and brains too."

LIZ: I guess they are full of... nutrients?

JULIAN: I guess.

PAZ: When I was a kid, I had a cat who would go outside, and he would catch mice and only eat the heads.

JULIAN: Oh god.

PAZ: And he'd just leave little like headless mice bodies.

LIZ: That's some sicko shit.

PAZ: Cats do eat insects, though. Why aren't they eating insects in Warriors?

JULIAN: Well, it's winter, so probably there aren't much in the way of insects.

LIZ: Maybe it's just little ones.

PAZ: A little snack.

JULIAN: Crunch crunch.

LIZ: Cat just eats like a line of ants. Gross.

JULIAN: I almost asked, are there bugs in England? Of course there are bugs in England.

LIZ: No, no, we gotta check on this. Is--

JULIAN: [typing] Bugs in the UK.

LIZ: I don't know. I don't think bugs discriminate very much.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, there's a lot of different kinds. See, there's a lot of grasshoppers and like dragonflies and damselflies, which does not solve, again, the winter problem.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: But does solve like RiverClan's fish problem. Just eat a little--

PAZ: Sorry. Here's a website called upgradeyourcat.com.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Oh god.

LIZ: How?

PAZ: Biomechanical cat.

LIZ: Oh.

JULIAN: Oh.

LIZ: That's not what I wanted.

JULIAN: I thought this was going to be one of those things where it's like, if you feed-- because when I was googling clams I was seeing a lot of like, "feed your cat raw clams to increase their taurine equivalent."

LIZ: Eugh.

PAZ: I don't think you should actually do that.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Just gonna put a disclaimer out there. Don't do that.

JULIAN: Not a vet. Don't do that.

LIZ: Just give your cat cat food.

PAZ: But anyway, I'm saying RiverClan should expand to alternative food sources.

JULIAN: They say bugs are the food of the future.

LIZ: Snails.

JULIAN: Yeah, I bet there's a lot of snails down by the water.

PAZ: I don't know why that one RiverClan, Blackclaw, was so aggro also.

JULIAN: Yeah, he like got right up in--

PAZ: After everyone else was like chill.

LIZ: Someone has to be, I guess.

PAZ: I'm like, are you going to be a problem later? Like who are you?

JULIAN: Is this the Longtail of RiverClan?

PAZ: Just a little bitch no one likes.

LIZ: I hate that guy. I'm a fan of you, baby rescuer. It's me. My name is Fish... tail. I think RiverClan cats should be more like fishy names.

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: I would like to see some more eel-based names.

PAZ: Are there eels in England?

JULIAN: Oh yeah.

PAZ: Oh?

JULIAN: Yeah, there's a lot of them.

PAZ: Oh, they should eat eels.

LIZ: Oh yeah, cause there's eels in Dishonored, and they eat those. You know, basically the same thing.

JULIAN: Well, I was seeing in the interviews with all the people from England about cats eating fish, there were a lot of people who were like, yeah, my cat used to catch eels in the river.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: Oh my god. Well, imagine you're English. I know, terrible, and you get out of your little like--

JULIAN: Sorry to our British listeners.

LIZ: You get out of your little English home, and on your step is not a headless chipmunk but it's just like a whole eel. Thank you.

JULIAN: I'd be happier about a whole eel, tbh.

LIZ: Well, if you're English, you probably want to put it in a pie or something.

PAZ: This is slander.

LIZ: I've seen those videos about eel pie culture.

JULIAN: I'll eat an eel in a pie. Sorry, Liz.

LIZ: No, I support you. I'm not against eel. It's just a long fish.

JULIAN: Just a snake of the ocean.

LIZ: Yeah, it's the ocean carnivore's string cheese.

PAZ: [distastefully] Mm.

JULIAN: It's just like a noodle. You just slurp that shit up.

LIZ: Exactly. I couldn't think of any other long food.

PAZ: Noodle?

LIZ: Oh yeah.

JULIAN: You forgot about noodles?

LIZ: What were we talking about?

JULIAN: We were talking about RiverClan diversifying their protein sources.

PAZ: And Fireheart being dumb and saying we'll hunt for you.

JULIAN: Yeah, which immediately we see being a bad idea, because they have to wake up at ass o'clock and Cloudkit's nosy little ass is out here.

LIZ: It's like, where are you going? Can I come? Let me go. Oh, I can't? I'm gonna follow you.

PAZ: I love Cloudkit causing problems like not on purpose, but still causing problems.

LIZ: That's just children.

JULIAN: Yeah. It really has the energy of like-- and I think this is great in a kid's book-- but like your annoying little brother wants to go with you when you're doing something that you're not really supposed to be doing. You know, you and your friends are like, going to go to, I don't know, do something not bad but vaguely like not allowed, and you're stupid kid brother wants to come. And he's like, no, you can't come.

LIZ: Yeah, we're gonna sneak into old man Jimmy's haunted house.

JULIAN: Yep, there we go.

LIZ: Ugh, Cloudkit. Except he's not your younger brother, he's your nephew.

PAZ: What did they tell him? We're on like a secret Warrior mission?

JULIAN: A special warrior mission.

PAZ: You're not old enough to know about that, Cloudkit.

LIZ: They could have just said we're gonna go hunting somewhere else, and we gotta get there early.

JULIAN: Right, like the whole special warrior mission thing is like the dumbest idea because nothing is more guaranteed to make a kid incredibly curious. Oh, it's a secret.

PAZ: He should have just been like, oh, we're going to harvest--

LIZ: Butt weed.

PAZ: Garlic, I don't know. [snorts] Yep, that.

JULIAN: We're gonna do something very very boring. You can't come.

LIZ: We're going to a Zoom meeting, Cloudkit. Just a little concurrent humor for you guys.

PAZ: Cloudkit's so powerful, though. He tracked them all the way through the forest.

JULIAN: I know.

LIZ: Yeah, he's like this genius atheist baby.

PAZ: Cloudkit's gonna have a YouTube.

LIZ: No. Cloudkit's CinemaSins channel for ThunderClan and the warrior code.

JULIAN: Oh my God. Ding.

PAZ: I wish I knew what the warrior code was so I could make a joke, but it's not very clearly defined so.

LIZ: It's just, it's whatever the President says.

JULIAN: Definitely no feeding other clans allowed, though.

PAZ: Nope.

JULIAN: I was looking at the scene with Cloudkit, and we do have another good said alternative.

LIZ: Oh boy.

JULIAN: Which is, "'I hope Cloudkit doesn't tell the whole clan we went out early on a special mission,' puffed Graystripe."

LIZ: Awww.

PAZ: Have we done a said count for this book yet?

JULIAN: Oh, I don't think we have.

PAZ: OK, let's get the numbers on that.

JULIAN: So we have in this-- I don't know how many pages this book is. Many pages. Whole book, we have, drumroll please, 38.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: That's more than I expected.

PAZ: For the whole book, though?

JULIAN: Well, for the whole book, and none of them-- oh sorry, let's see.

PAZ: Is there a dialogue tag yet?

JULIAN: We have one dialogue tag.

LIZ: Oh my god. Who says--

PAZ: I think this is the first time. Who is allowed to say something?

JULIAN: It's Mistyfot. Mistyfoot.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: Mistythought.

PAZ: Mistythot.

[laughter]

JULIAN: Mistythot. "'They just want to talk to you,' Mistyfoot said gently, 'trust me.'"

PAZ: Wow, our first said. I think this is a different author than the previous two.

LIZ: Oh, they missed this in like the style guide checkover.

JULIAN: Right, no saids.

PAZ: Whoever it is is gonna get called into a meeting.

LIZ: 20 years later.

JULIAN: And then there are one or two, "so and so said nothing."

LIZ: Guess you can't say "so and so meowed nothing."

JULIAN: Yeah, but everything else is like, this person said this, and this cat said that.

PAZ: Congrats to Mistyfoot for the series first.

LIZ: Well done, Mistyfoot.

JULIAN: She's transcended cathood. She gets to say things.

PAZ: Wow. I do also want to read this description in chapter 13 right when they're leaving the camp, which is, "Tigerclaw was just a mound of dark tabby fur in his nest."

JULIAN: Aw.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Buddy.

LIZ: He is just a little guy.

PAZ: He is.

JULIAN: I want to scrumble him. Someone did-- one of our listeners did ask me what scrumble means cause I talked about it earlier. And I would just like to define scrumbling, which is just when you know, you get right in there and you go whrhrhrhhrh.

PAZ: That was an incredible noise.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's a scrumble.

LIZ: Thank you so much.

JULIAN: I guess, I mean the big next part of chapter 13 is pergante?

LIZ: The implication that Graystripe fucks.

JULIAN: I hate it.

LIZ: Ehh. I don't like it.

JULIAN: No wonder he's been sneaking out so much, to canoodle.

PAZ: [snorts] This man is not ready to be a father.

LIZ: No. He's like a teen, in spirit.

PAZ: This is a ill-advised like high school pregnancy.

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: Especially cause they've put no forethought into it. They're just like, yeah, it'll be fine. It'll all work out.

LIZ: How? How? How is it gonna work out? Is your dad just gonna visit you in secret every single day?

PAZ: Also both of them just heard about cats who were birthed in one clan and had to be taken to another, and how that has absolutely not worked out.

LIZ: Was it them or just Fireheart?

PAZ: Oh, you're right. You're right.

JULIAN: Oh, I think it was just Fireheart. Graystripe and Silverstream don't know.

LIZ: Now it's just like dramatic irony.

PAZ: I forgot she sent them-- who was that? Graypool?

LIZ: Yeah, Graypool.

PAZ: Yeah, I forgot she sent them away. Yeah, I mean, cause Fireheart does have that thought like, um, this has historically not worked out.

JULIAN: Yeah, the, like, disconnect in emotions I think is conveyed really well between like Graystripe just being like, [gleefully] I'm gonna be a dad! And Fireheart like, uhhhhhhh yeah?

LIZ: He doesn't even take care of his own student. How's he going to take care of a child?

PAZ: Well, I guess the point is he won't because he can't.

JULIAN: Yeah, he won't have to.

LIZ: Wow, kid's not even born yet and he's already a deadbeat dad.

PAZ: Good luck, Silverstream.

LIZ: Good luck, Graystripe junior.

PAZ: In explaining this. Hope you got that like Immaculate Conception excuse on hand.

LIZ: Silverstream's two baby Jesuses.

PAZ: StarClan willed it.

JULIAN: Oh god.

LIZ: Is she gonna have a fake husband?

JULIAN: Well, it's also like, I'm sure the cats must keep fairly good records of like who's whose parent because otherwise they would get incest so fast. So like, they have to know who the dad is. Silverstream!

LIZ: Is there a gay cat that's like, okay, we can work this out. I need a beard. You need legitimacy for your rival clan children. We can work something out.

PAZ: That'd be a good option.

JULIAN: It's such a mess. I was about to be like, oh, these cats need birth control. But they have birth control. It's when they get their balls cut off.

PAZ: Just saying, maybe Graystripe shoulda.... need a trap, neuter return program.

LIZ: What if there was like medicine cat birth control that was just like, here's some herbs, or like, here's a charm?

PAZ: God, I bet there is.

LIZ: That's extremely funny.

PAZ: I wonder if that ever comes up.

LIZ: I have like memories of reading YA fantasy books as a child, and then like them having birth control, but it was always like, here's a stone necklace. Here is a magic herb.

JULIAN: I'm remembering specifically like the Tamora Pierce like Alanna books where she gets like--

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: She gets first like a necklace to stop her periods, and then she also gets like herbs or something at some point so that she can't get pregnant.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: I want a necklace to stop my period.

JULIAN: I know, right?

PAZ: It'd be so easy.

LIZ: I'm gonna put on my necklace, and I'm gonna chomp some cilantro or whatever, and I'm good.

JULIAN: So I am searching the Warriors wiki for birth control.

[laughter]

LIZ: Oh, they wouldn't call it that, though.

JULIAN: Oh, no, nothing has come up. I am getting a prompt: "create the page 'birth control' on this wiki."

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Hold on. Maybe we need to just generally google this. Warrior.

LIZ: If it doesn't exist, can we make it?

PAZ: Cats, birth. Yeah, it's a stone necklace.

JULIAN: That's just a collar to mark that your balls have been cut off.

PAZ: Hmm. I'm not getting any hits.

JULIAN: I mean, it's also like, the age group for these books is maybe a little young to be...

LIZ: But like, fans I feel would've-- there's someone out there who's thought extensively about the larger implications of this, like the real magical medicine worldbuilding stuff.

PAZ: Here's somebody mentioning "Birth Control in Warrior Cats: An In-depth Appledusk Defense." Oh?

LIZ: Who's Appledusk?

PAZ: I don't know.

LIZ: That's a fun name.

JULIAN: I feel like we've stumbled upon some discourse we never knew about.

LIZ: Oh hell yeah.

PAZ: It won't let me see the page.

LIZ: No! Is there a cached version?

PAZ: Here maybe, maybe-- I'll send the link if anyone can look at it on their computer.

JULIAN: I'll look on the Wayback Machine. I would like to draw attention. I was looking at the medicine page on the Warriors wiki, and there is a little underlined and bolded note. "It has been noted by Erin Hunter that these remedies should never be used on pet cats, and that sick pets should be seen by a vet instead."

LIZ: Don't put cobwebs on your cat.

JULIAN: Oh, Appledusk is a character.

PAZ: Like someone's OC?

JULIAN: No, it's a real one, I think.

LIZ: Oh shit. Is it spoilers?

PAZ: I don't know this character.

JULIAN: What is this? Alright. Warriors wiki. Who the fuck is Appledusk? Appledusk.

LIZ: Oh.

JULIAN: Is... who the fuck is Darkstar? This is from Mapleshade's Vengeance.

PAZ: Oh, okay.

LIZ: Okay, I Control-Fed birth control for this article, and it just says there is no birth control.

PAZ: Damn. Sorry, there's a cat named Eeltail.

LIZ: Oh my God.

JULIAN: Yes, yes!

LIZ: Yes!

PAZ: Wow. Did somebody like do child murder? Well, that's what you get when there's no birth control, I guess.

JULIAN: Oh, Appledusk did a cross clan relationship.

PAZ: Gotta stop-- they gotta just make it legal because everyone is doing it.

LIZ: I think it makes sense because to stop the interbreeding stuff, right, because they're cats. I don't know. No incest.

PAZ: Yeah, also like--

JULIAN: Oh geez.

PAZ: Diversify your genetic pool.

LIZ: Yeah, please.

JULIAN: This is brutal.

LIZ: You're gonna get sick.

JULIAN: Sorry.

PAZ: Yeah, I think we might be reading this book because I've seen--

LIZ: Yes.

JULIAN: I'll stop reading.

PAZ: It seems like there's a real sicko female character. And you know I love those.

JULIAN: She seems great. I want to read this book.

PAZ: Yeah, she has a lot of, like, animated videos on YouTube.

LIZ: Oh, AMVs set to like, "Bad Guy"?

PAZ: Yeah, and like, "I Can't Decide" by the Scissor Sisters. Stuff like that.

LIZ: Is there one for "Toxic?" "Toxic."

PAZ: There has to be.

LIZ: Have we searched Warrior Cats "Toxic" AMV?

PAZ: I don't think so.

JULIAN: Let's go, baby.

LIZ: It wouldn't be called AMV. It's called a MAP, right?

JULIAN: Yeah, but if you just search-- yeah, there's one set to Tox-- there's one for this character set to "Toxic."

PAZ: Perfect.

JULIAN: We've also got one for Ashfur.

LIZ: Oh, there's so many.

JULIAN: Oh, sorry. Two separate ones for Mapleshade.

PAZ: Fuck yes.

LIZ: Okay, good for Mapleshade.

PAZ: Oh, that's what I like to hear.

LIZ: Mm-hmm. A lot of these are pretty recent.

PAZ: I think her super edition? I think it's a super edition-- is fairly recent.

LIZ: Do you think it's like actually "Toxic" or is it like that--

PAZ: That weird cover?

LIZ: That shitty cover, yeah.

PAZ: I trust that Warriors Cats fans would use the real thing.

JULIAN: Well, one of the Mapleshade ones is the shitty dark version.

PAZ: No!

LIZ: Nooo. This is so sad.

JULIAN: I know. And the Ashfur one is also the original.

LIZ: Okay, good.

JULIAN: Not the original, sorry, but the weird--

PAZ: Why do people always use that weird cover?

JULIAN: It's like a weird like music box.

LIZ: I guess that seems real like edgy, to like, 13 year olds. Oh wow, it's--

PAZ: The original's a classic.

LIZ: Yeah. I'm sure-- listen, no slander to 13-year-olds. Someone out there is like, well, actually the original slaps. Because it does.

JULIAN: It does. It's so good. Where were we?

LIZ: No idea.

PAZ: We were talking about birth control.

LIZ: Oh, right.

JULIAN: Ah yes.

PAZ: It doesn't exist. Silverstream's pregante. This is going to go so badly.

LIZ: I mean, it's not like-- not every cat mates for life. She could just get someone to be like, sure, no problem. You're my friend. I'll do you a solid.

PAZ: Yeah, but she better do it fast.

JULIAN: Yeah, she's got a timeline. Tick tock. How long are cats pregnant for?

PAZ: Less than humans, obviously.

LIZ: Like a month?

JULIAN: Gestation period 58 to 67 days. So she's got like three months.

PAZ: She's gotta build up this fake romance stat. She has to start something right now to make the timeline line up right.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: I mean, maybe she could say something about like, oh, the kits were born early. They're just really big.

PAZ: God. There's gonna be more gray cats, guys.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Noooooo.

PAZ: All these fucking gray cats.

LIZ: This is so fucking confusing. I mean, a lot of gray and white cats.

JULIAN: Which I don't think of as being the most common cat colors.

PAZ: I thought tabby was the most common.

JULIAN: I mean, is that like, you know, is this a UK difference? Are there more gray cats in the UK?

PAZ: I don't know. I don't think so.

LIZ: Okay, animalfriends.co.uk says the most common colours, with a U, are brown, gray, and orange, but also there are variations of tabby.

PAZ: I see.

LIZ: Oh my god. There's a type of tabby called mackerel tabby. What does that look like?

JULIAN: Oh that's, um, it's the ones where they have the little M on their foreheads.

LIZ: Wait, don't they all have M?

JULIAN: Not always.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: Oh. I thought they all had Ms.

LIZ: For meow. Aw.

JULIAN: Oh wait, no, I've lied. I'm sorry. I thought the M was the mackerel, but.

LIZ: So they do all have Ms?

PAZ: I think so.

JULIAN: Most of them do. Mackerel is very specifically the stripes that run off the spine like a mackerel's like ribs.

LIZ: Oh that's cute. Fishy. There should be more mackerel tabbies in RiverClan, then.

PAZ: Yeah, instead of all these gray cats.

LIZ: Yeah, ThunderClan should have all the gray cats like a, you know like a thundercloud.

PAZ: Storm cloud. You just want to color code these cats.

LIZ: Well, no one color codes their outfits in Word of Honor, so I'm like, I need something to tell them all apart. There's like 500 guys. There's like 500 gray cats.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, I simply want more torties.

LIZ: WindClan should be fluffy.

PAZ: No, they gotta be sleek so they're aerodynamic. Gotta run really fast.

LIZ: Oh, that's true. I was just thinking about them being like ruffled by the wind.

PAZ: ShadowClan can be fluffy in their dark forest.

LIZ: StarClan, when you become a StarClan cat, you get little spots. You get modded Sims freckles.

PAZ: Sorry, I'm just looking back at the convo Graystripe and Silverstream have with Fireheart, and they're so stupid. Fireheart's just trying to explain to them like, this is a bad idea. This isn't going to work out. And they're just like, no, it will, because I said so.

JULIAN: No, it will. Smiley face.

LIZ: It'll be fine.

PAZ: No, it won't be fine because they leave, and then Tigerclaw's there.

LIZ: God, he's just back to being an evil villain.

PAZ: I love that image-- there's Cloudkit, who's this tiny fluffy white cat, and then Fireheart comes out behind him looming over him, this huge guy.

LIZ: Big brown tabby. You think he's got an M? Yes, he does.

PAZ: Yeah, M for Monster.

LIZ: M for Maliciousness.

PAZ: I can't think of any more M words.

JULIAN: M for...

LIZ: For Mackerel, cause he loves fish.

JULIAN: All I can think of is magnificent.

PAZ: Yeah, magnificent. That's right.

LIZ: M for murder. Duh.

PAZ: Oh, there it is. Yeah, M for murder.

LIZ: There we go. Meowder.

PAZ: Tigerclaw just gets really angry at only Fireheart here.

LIZ: Does he even know who Graystripe is?

PAZ: No, he probably doesn't.

JULIAN: He was menacing Graystripe earlier.

PAZ: Was he? When?

JULIAN: Cause Fireheart was really worried that like Tigerclaw was gonna figure out that Graystripe had been sneaking off.

PAZ: Yeah. Well, at this point he doesn't seem to care cause he caught Fireheart sneaking off.

JULIAN: Yep. Also, Longtail is such a dick.

PAZ: Oh my God, he sucks.

JULIAN: He's like, [deep voice] "just what I'd expect from a kittypet."

LIZ: Get back, man. Geez.

JULIAN: No one invited you. Go away.

PAZ: Tigerclaw is described with stinky breath.

JULIAN: Oh damn, gottem.

PAZ: "He thrust his huge head so close to Fireheart that he could smell the deputy's hot, rancid breath."

LIZ: I don't think any of you smell very good.

JULIAN: Oh, rancid.

PAZ: Rancid.

JULIAN: Damn.

PAZ: He's hanging out with those smelly cats at the Twolegplace. Maybe he's eating crowfood.

LIZ: Noooo.

JULIAN: Well, I also wonder... maybe Tigerclaw is so cranky because he has tooth decay.

PAZ: I'd be cranky too. You know, some murders, when you have tooth pain.

JULIAN: Yeah, you know.

PAZ: Who can help that?

JULIAN: If only there were some way to treat it. If only there was someone who would take care of these cats and their various ailments.

LIZ: What a fantasy you have, Julian.

JULIAN: I wonder if the medicine cats have anything for like toothache.

PAZ: They pull it out.

JULIAN: With their paws?

PAZ: Um, yep.

LIZ: Maybe it's like... no, no, I've got it. They say, bite really hard on this stick, and eventually it'll get stuck and I can pull it out.

JULIAN: Oh, great news. Elder bark does ease toothaches.

PAZ: Oh good.

LIZ: Great. Chew on this bark.

JULIAN: That's apparently what people used to do in the olden times for toothbrushes.

LIZ: Ugh.

JULIAN: Is you just like chew on a stick. There's like a particular kind of stick that was very commonly used because it chews up nice into like kind of a brush shape.

LIZ: I can never time travel.

JULIAN: Yeah, I really like toothpaste.

LIZ: In high school, my English teacher showed us like Lost in Austen, as like a end of the year treat.

JULIAN: How fun.

LIZ: Yeah, English class. The only thing I remember from it is the lady who gets transported back into Pride and Prejudice has to use a stick for a toothbrush. It's like ashes and salt, too. It's like, mm, yummy.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, I like the modern conveniences of flush toilets and toothpaste and, oh, deodorant. I mean, again, like I know there was historical deodorant and like people used, like, you know, all different kinds of scents and herbs and stuff to control their odors, but.

LIZ: A lot of it just seems to be like oils. Like oldie timey people, they're just oiling themselves up all the time. And I don't know. That feels real, like... yeah, I guess it works. I don't know if I want to.

JULIAN: I just, you know, I'm good.

LIZ: What would you miss the most if you had to time travel to the olden times, Paz?

PAZ: Electric lights.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Have to go to bed real early.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's true.

PAZ: And the winter'd be so dark.

LIZ: No!

JULIAN: Oh, the winter would suck.

LIZ: Not the seasonal depression.

PAZ: Right? I can barely handle it as is.

JULIAN: You'd just be like mainlining-- what is it? Liver that has a lot of vitamin D?

LIZ: Eugh.

PAZ: Yuck.

JULIAN: Livers.

LIZ: Milk?

JULIAN: No, milk only has vitamin D because we stick it in there, I think.

LIZ: Really? Aw.

PAZ: Weird.

LIZ: Oat milk? Do they also just stick it in there, or does it have it-have it?

JULIAN: Yeah, no, milk is enriched with vitamin D, but it doesn't actually have it naturally straight out of the cow.

PAZ: Should we go back to Warriors? Warrior Cats?

LIZ: Maybe. Yes.

JULIAN: Yeah, let's go back to Warriors. Sorry.

LIZ: Perhaps.

PAZ: I don't know. Tigerclaw, a little bitch.

JULIAN: Tigerclaw's a little bitch.

LIZ: Very funny still.

PAZ: Yeah, his grand plan was to follow this baby.

JULIAN: I mean, it worked.

PAZ: It did work.

JULIAN: As much as it's like, aw, dang, they get punished for helping people, it's like, I do get Bluestar's position here. They didn't tell her.

PAZ: Yeah, it seems like if they had just told her first, this would have been fine.

LIZ: Yeah, it probably would have timed out really well for her, because she just made that speech, right? It's like, we should help each other, and then it's like, look at these warriors that are in our clan that saved some babies.

PAZ: Yeah, could use it as a good PR.

JULIAN: Yeah, it would like strengthen their ties with RiverClan, which are kind of on the rocks right now. Instead of it just being like these two random warriors are helping ThunderClan, it's like ThunderClan is helping.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, she's fairly reasonable here, all things considered. Fireheart still can't figure out why she's so concerned about RiverClan.

JULIAN: Why could it be?

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: I just don't know.

LIZ: [dreamily] Ah, so mysterious. Can't figure it out.

PAZ: There's so many gray cats. I do want to point out this very fun cat turn of phrase, where Tigerclaw is talking to Bluestar, and he says, "'when I asked them what they were doing, they gave me some fish and mouse story about checking to see how far the flood stretched.'"

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: So cute. Fish and mouse story.

JULIAN: I love that.

LIZ: They're just little guys.

PAZ: I love all the little cat expressions they come up with.

LIZ: Tigerclaw can't say fuck, but he can say this.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean that's just the same thing as bullshit. Fish and mouse.

LIZ: What do you think he does when it's actually time to say like fuck? Like oh ffffu-- oh, sardines. It's a load of snail shells.

PAZ: I bet that's it.

JULIAN: You know, maybe I'll start bringing the little Warriors figures of speech into my everyday lexicon.

PAZ: I agree.

JULIAN: I think that would go over real well but at the checkout at the grocery store.

LIZ: They might just be like, is this is some sort of sailor?

PAZ: Oh, Warrior Cats with a cat on a boat. Fishing cat.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: Ship cat, that's the word I was looking for. Other cute thing is Cloudkit getting sentenced to go help the elders again and Fireheart being like, I know he likes doing that.

LIZ: Yeah, that's sweet. He's a rebel, but he loves old people.

JULIAN: Yeah, I also wonder like, if Bluestar also knows that he likes it and is just like--

PAZ: Maybe.

JULIAN: --go hang out with the elders and maybe they'll like tell you how things work in the clans.

PAZ: Fireheart's like, I don't know if he actually learned his lesson, though.

LIZ: No, I don't think so.

JULIAN: Yeah, he didn't seem like he learned shit.

PAZ: No, he did not. Oh, they gotta go like act as apprentices now.

LIZ: Incredibly funny.

PAZ: Very funny.

JULIAN: It's so funny. Demoted back to being a teen.

PAZ: You gotta go back to high school. Can you imagine that?

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: No, that'd be terrible.

PAZ: That really is a punishment.

JULIAN: Yeah, imagine you like fuck up at your job and your boss is like, oh, you have to go to high school.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: That's a nightmare actually. I feel bad for them now.

JULIAN: God, it was really poignant that Fireheart is just like, oh, do we have to go back to being apprentices forever? Or maybe it was Graystripe. I don't remember actually.

PAZ: I don't know. With Bluestar's track record, if you go back to being apprentices, you could be apprentices again for like a year. She forgets to promote people.

LIZ: What if she just gets assassinated though, like before she [laughs]. Tigerclaw says, well, I'm just gonna leave this as it is, actually. This is great for me.

PAZ: God.

LIZ: Do we have anything else about this chapter?

JULIAN: No.

PAZ: No, not at the moment. I'm just excited to see how bad this will all go.

JULIAN: God, it's gonna break real bad.

PAZ: Especially now that there's secret babies in the mix.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Should we do a list of all the secrets we know so far, just to get a count on that?

JULIAN: Oh yeah, just a quick secrets rundown.

PAZ: Okay, one, Mistyfoot and Stonefur, illegitimate ThunderClan children. Graystripe and Silverstream, together. Tigerclaw's whole deal. Silverstream pregnant.

LIZ: Oh, Yellowfang and her kid.

PAZ: Oh, yeah, Yellowfang and Brokentail.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, shit. Lot of parentage secrets here.

PAZ: Sure is. Bluestar has a secret, which who knows what it is.

JULIAN: What could it be?

PAZ: Who knows?

JULIAN: Fireheart has been sneaking out to see his sister, although I guess that's not a secret now.

PAZ: That's not a secret now. I feel like there's more I'm forgetting.

LIZ: Does Ravenpaw being alive count?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: That's an old one.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, that's a secret.

PAZ: Yeah, they did go to see him. But I mean, Bluestar knows. That's on the edge. There was a very brief secret about feeding RiverClan.

LIZ: That's still a secret to someone.

PAZ: Lot of secrets. That's at least seven secrets.

LIZ: Yeah, a whole forest of them.

PAZ: Well, we'll see how the dominoes fall here.

JULIAN: How the kibble crumbles.

PAZ: But if that's good, like we're good for those set of chapters?

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

[meow]

PAZ: We can move on to a fun little forum thread that I saw, which is "Describe Warrior Cats in one sentence."

LIZ: Beautiful, thank you.

PAZ: Do we want to read these?

LIZ: Sure. First one: "Wild savage battle cats kill each other in cold blood for infamy and fame."

PAZ: That's right.

JULIAN: That makes it sound like the Hunger Games.

PAZ: Like I said, I still think... hasn't been much murder so far. I feel like that body count has to go up.

LIZ: Well, the longer the series goes, the higher the stakes have to be, I guess.

PAZ: Yeah, I know in way past the series I read up to is, I think there's like a battle between like cat hell, and like.

LIZ: Cat hell?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: This is still just taking place in some rural English town where they make cheese or whatever.

PAZ: Yeah, but they also have mystical ghost cats.

LIZ: It's like 2001. Someone in that village is listening to Britney Spears.

JULIAN: And cat hell is there.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Next one: "warring clans of killer kitty cats, along with a lot of pointless arguing and forbidden romance." Yeah.

LIZ: I think we have to point out this person's name also for a second.

JULIAN: We do.

LIZ: It's Metsfan09, and their icon is, I assume, the Mets logo. Cause it says Mets on it.

PAZ: You can be a Mets fan and a Warrior Cats fan.

LIZ: Of course.

JULIAN: It's a baseball with the New York skyline and the Brooklyn Bridge.

PAZ: I didn't even know they were the New York team.

JULIAN: Yeah, there's two of them. The Mets and the Yankees. I'm googling this real quick in case I got it wrong. No, it is New York.

LIZ: Okay, okay, okay.

PAZ: I was--

JULIAN: Fuck, they're from Queens, not Brooklyn. Sorry.

PAZ: Oh, gotta correct that, or else our heads will be out on the stake.

JULIAN: So the next one is "everyone dies and no one is happy. The end."

PAZ: I love this because someone quote tweets it. The next response says, "you sure about that?" and just posts a gray cat with blue eyes, like we're supposed to know who that is.

LIZ: That could be anyone in this book.

PAZ: That could literally anyone.

JULIAN: I mean, eight people liked it, so I assume people know who that cat is.

LIZ: They all think it's a different gray cat, though.

JULIAN: It does look like it's one of the wiki cat sprites.

PAZ: Yeah, it is, but like how-- hold on. I have a guess on who it might be. I gotta go see. No. Okay, I don't know who the fuck it is. Because the one I was thinking of is a gray cat with green eyes.

JULIAN: Yeah, I don't know fucking which cat that is. There's a lot of gray cats in this series.

PAZ: Read to find out what happens.

LIZ: This could be years from now. I can read the next one, though. "Been spending most of our lives listening to cat's paradise."

PAZ: I don't know. I don't know what that means.

JULIAN: [to the tune of "Gangsta's Paradise"] Been spending most our lives listening to cats' paradise.

PAZ: Oh, okay. Is it a song?

JULIAN: Yeah, it's "Gangsta's Paradise."

PAZ: Okay.

LIZ: Oh, it's a musical reference.

PAZ: I've never listened to music.

LIZ: You're a radio DJ, Paz.

JULIAN: The next one--

PAZ: Gets, um.

JULIAN: Should we just read the first one?

PAZ: I think-- I don't know, it's vague enough that we can.

JULIAN: "I'll describe every arc. First one. Kitten joins a war cult, becomes king. War cult teleports to a lake and cats train in Uno reverse heaven."

PAZ: I don't-- what? What?

LIZ: What? Is that what happens?

PAZ: What is Uno reverse heaven? I don't remember this.

JULIAN: I don't remember Uno reverse heaven either.

LIZ: I gotta read to find out what happens.

JULIAN: "Cats have superpowers now."

PAZ: That's right.

JULIAN: "Ghosts of Christmas Past come back to murder everyone, but oh wait, the super cats save the day I guess."

LIZ: These cats are Christian?

JULIAN: "Cats make cults."

LIZ: Well, we knew that.

JULIAN: That's the whole series.

PAZ: They already did that. Oh, I think that's Dawn of the Clan so that is the first time the cats make cults.

JULIAN: Intro to cults. "Rebellion is cool, so we must kill our friends."

PAZ: I see.

JULIAN: "Obsessed ex boyfriend decides to change the laws and commit murder for his now-married ex girlfriend."

LIZ: I see.

PAZ: Listen, I can not wait for that arc. Everything I've read about it is like, this is fantastic. Well, somebody quotes tweets that response in delight. The next post is "Cat society out in the woods deals with a different apocalypse every two years."

LIZ: Someone else quote replies the one where there's just a pixelated wiki JPEG of a grey cat, and says, "oh my god. She hasn't died yet?"

JULIAN: Oh, also we've learned which cat this is.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Oh, this is a good summary from user Rifflestorm. "There are cats in it."

LIZ: Mm.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Damn. Crazy if true.

LIZ: Please, put some spoilers on that.

PAZ: Someone else quote tweets that and says, "Don't forget about the Warriors there too." Sorry, I'm reading the summary of arcs again. One describes the arc after Power of Three as "super kitties teach younger super kitty to spy on serial killers."

LIZ: God. I think someone's still talking about that gray cat. And they're talking about ages. Someone says, "I think she's like 16. But still, when you had Tallstar falling over dead at 10 and Whitestar preparing to sign up for Life Alert at five...."

PAZ: Damn, this cat's really thriving.

JULIAN: Yeah, damn.

PAZ: Damn. "I hope she expires this arc. She is beyond rotten."

LIZ: Who is this? Controversial.

JULIAN: Deleted member. Did they get banned for saying this?

LIZ: They might have.

PAZ: God. That's hostility. What happened?

LIZ: Is that allowed on this forum?

PAZ: No, he got deleted.

LIZ: All right, you better watch what you fucking say. Geez.

JULIAN: This user says, "cats from heaven give bad advice."

PAZ: That's right. "Housecat joins cult and calls out xenophobia." Right. Some beautiful summaries in here.

LIZ: One of them calls, I think Dawn of the Clans, "cat gerrymanders borders and then there's a bloodbath for his troubles. JK, I think I forgot most of it."

PAZ: Gerrymandering is something to fight against. So they're justified.

JULIAN: It's important. For the first arc, "normal cat drones kitty battle royale cult." Correct.

PAZ: Sorry, I just went to the forum.

JULIAN: Really enjoying this summary of the next series, which is "the book of Exodus, except it's cats."

PAZ: "Roleswap, Rusty, Princess, and Smudge."

LIZ: Oh?

PAZ: Tell me more.

JULIAN: I love that, actually,

LIZ: How does that work out?

PAZ: I don't know.

LIZ: Is roleswapped Rusty I guess just like a nice house cat? A good, nice young man?

PAZ: Here's someone said, "Smudge, I think would end up becoming a medicine cat."

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: No, not everyone saying Princess is a perma-queen. You gotta imagine better, more exciting horizons for her.

JULIAN: Right. What could she be like if she was allowed to dream of adventure?

PAZ: She seems really into it. It's why she gave her child away to this forest hell.

JULIAN: I want Princess and Cinderpaw to meet.

LIZ: Yeah, that's sweet.

PAZ: Yeah, I think Princess would be good at uncovering Tigerclaw's treachery.

JULIAN: Aw, I can see her being a real like Nancy Drew.

LIZ: Yeah, that's cute.

PAZ: I agree. She seems like she would do a lot of stuff, if she had the chance.

LIZ: Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she's Nancy Drewing it up in like house cat world.

PAZ: I love that.

LIZ: Yeah, you know, that's probably like cat crimes, or real crimes.

PAZ: Of course there's cat crimes.

LIZ: Maybe her owner is like a detective.

PAZ: Oh, fantastic.

LIZ: Yeah, she's solving the human crimes, too.

PAZ: I love this idea.

JULIAN: One more thread I've found on the forums. "Graystripe has eaten everything. How do you punish him?"

LIZ: Excuse me?

PAZ: What?

JULIAN: It's sort of like a, you know, not really an RP, but like a... "Some way, somehow, Graystripe has managed to eat every piece of prey on the fresh kill pile, leaving ThunderClan with nothing to eat."

PAZ: Of course he would do that.

JULIAN: "And leafbare is fast approaching."

PAZ: That's exactly what Graystripe would do.

LIZ: But this is like such a classic like early 2000s, late 90s, like bashing post.

PAZ: Except it was posted, presumably, very recently.

JULIAN: It was posted about a week ago.

LIZ: Oh my God. History just repeats. Nothing changes.

JULIAN: "Right now he is in the middle of ThunderClan camp laying on his back with a giant round belly."

PAZ: Oh, comedy.

JULIAN: "If you were leader, how would you punish him?"

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Um, I would make him leave my clan. And then I won't have to deal with him anymore.

JULIAN: Just a lot of people saying he needs to hunt to get the prey pile back to where it was. Someone says, "you don't. Graystripe eats you."

LIZ: Ahh.

PAZ: Oh my god, what?

LIZ: I don't like that.

JULIAN: Which is a lot.

PAZ: I really feel like I'm here in 2011.

LIZ: Yeah, Graystripe voice. What's the thing? I saved you a cookie, but I eated it.

PAZ: Hate it.

LIZ: Okay, listen, we're very anti Graystripe right now, but I don't think he would do this. I think he fucks up some other way.

JULIAN: I don't think he would either.

PAZ: No, I feel like he'd fuck up in a more unique and more disastrous way, honestly, such as getting his cross clan gf pregnant.

LIZ: Yeah, that's... maybe he makes a Facebook invite for his wedding, but invites everyone.

PAZ: Oh no, Graystripe.

JULIAN: Oh my god. Graystripe, noooo.

PAZ: You forgot to change the settings.

LIZ: Graystripe tries to share his wedding planning doc with Fireheart, but it's just open to everyone.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: He accidently sends it to the clan group chat. The scandal.

LIZ: Graystripe, why do you want like two slow cookers?

JULIAN: Graystripe's wedding registry is just like a $18,000 like outdoor smoker for barbecue and nothing else.

PAZ: Graystripe.

LIZ: What if cats could preserve food, actually?

PAZ: It would solve problems.

LIZ: Yeah. I do have one last describe Warrior Cats in one sentence.

PAZ: Please.

LIZ: It's a real zinger. "Game of Thrones with tails and whiskers."

PAZ: No. Once again, Game of Thrones wants what Warrior Cats has.

JULIAN: It does. It does. That was just making me think of furry Game of Thrones, which would be... incredible. I want to see Game of Thrones set at a furry con.

PAZ: That has happened.

LIZ: That's just called a furry con.

PAZ: I don't know if the inner politics of furry cons are rich and complex. Probably.

JULIAN: Oh, absolutely.

PAZ: So yeah, it's already going down there.

LIZ: I think that's just like, cons in general.

JULIAN: I'm sure there's been rich and complex-- well, we've talked a lot about the inner politics of Warrior Cats RP boards.

PAZ: Has there ever been a Warrior Cats con?

JULIAN: I don't know.

PAZ: Hold on.

LIZ: That feels like it needs to be like... it needs parental supervision.

PAZ: Yes.

LIZ: And organization.

JULIAN: I feel like if there hasn't been one, it's probably because of the average age of most Warrior Cats fans.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm not seeing anything.

JULIAN: Obviously there are adult fans. Here we are, but.

PAZ: No, true. Although the kids should have a fun meet up.

LIZ: There's definitely like Warrior-- we've read that wiki article, like how to have a Warrior Cats themed birthday party. That's Warrior con.

PAZ: That is Warrior con.

JULIAN: Warrior con is recess.

PAZ: It is, that's true.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: There's always a Warrior con happening every day.

JULIAN: Every day, you go outside and you play Warriors with your friends.

PAZ: Cute. Well, maybe we should end it on that very wholesome thought. There's anything else?

LIZ: I don't know, how would you guys describe maybe this book in one sentence?

PAZ: Too many gray cats.

LIZ: Graystripe, unamused emoji.

JULIAN: Please God someone get these cats a vet.

LIZ: That's a series summary.

PAZ: All right, well, that will do it for us then this week. Next week we'll be reading chapters 15 through 17. You can find the show @staircast on twitter.com. You can support the show at patreon.com/staircast, and we will have something up there soon when people aren't like traveling and stuff. You can send in questions and/or anecdotes, maybe about Warriors recess, to stairwaytostarclan@gmail.com. I can't remember if we said it before, but reminder that we are putting up episode transcripts now on our Tumblr, which is also where our chapter summaries, if people want to go check those out.

JULIAN: Yep, we're still working through the backlog of those. But once that's done, we should hopefully be able to get to... I want to get to like having a week delay on the transcript so it's not....

PAZ: Yeah, but I think that covers everything. So until next time, may StarClan light your path. Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

[outro music]

PAZ: Sorry, I'm scrolling. There's a sponsored post? Ad?

LIZ: What? Where?

PAZ: It's just three sunglasses emoji against a blank background.

JULIAN: I don't see this.

LIZ: I don't see this.

JULIAN: I have AdBlock on.

PAZ: Well, I'm on my phone. This is the kind of ads that are on Warrior Cats RP forums, apparently.

[punkscowardschampions]

America & Libi

America: What.the.fuck 🤯😷

Libi: ???

America: that’s not acting

America: it’s his real 😍💖🐱💫 behaviour

Libi: nooooooo 😅

Libi: it is a wee bit cringe how he has to gaze into my eyes like that

America: & it’ll take more than Mr Mullan yelling cut to get his 👅💦 out of your mouth, ear or anywhere else he can get away with putting it if you don’t tell him it’s meant to be fake

Libi: You don’t really think that, do you?

Libi: I don’t even know how to start that conversation if I need to, yikes 😬

America: I know, me & everyone else watching him eye fuck you for the full scene

Libi: oh no

Libi: I don’t know what to feel about that

Libi: no wonder your sister looked even more mad at me than usual

America: 🎊🎉 if it means she stops liking him now

Libi: Undoubtedly more of a reason to hate me more if she thinks I’m like, encouraging him

Libi: which I’m not, btw

Libi: How do I tell him to not without making him a bad actor

Libi: or have him think I’m being 😍💖 by implying he is, ahh!

America: His shite acting isn’t your problem, he’s got an understudy too

America: & telling him to back off doesn’t have to sound flirty, remind him how old you are, my sister couldn’t stop pointing out the fuckedness of the age gap so she can’t hate you for doing that either

Libi: I don’t wanna sound like I’m accusing him of anything though

Libi: that could get too serious too fast

America: Lads make us feel uncomfortable to say or do things all the time & they’re not beating themselves up about it

Libi: Yeah, you’re right

Libi: but they probably don’t have to then go on and act with them without everyone wishing the guns were real

Libi: probably

Libi: but there’s 0 chance he’s quitting or Mr Mullan will kick him, that’s as true

America: there’s 0 chance he’s heard a genuine no in this context before, if you do it 🔫💥💖🔪🩸 he might quit

Libi: I’ll talk to him 1 x 1 first

Libi: deserved or not, I don’t wanna go in full guns blazing about it

America: At least consider letting Chi overhear you, calm her down a little

Libi: No offence but your sister is probably the least of my worries if EVERYONE saw and thought the same thing

Libi: she already doesn’t think highly of me

America: She was the least of your worries when she thought Jake saw you as a dumb 2nd year, she’ll move up the list now you’ve moved up his rankings

Libi: Why does she even like him?

Libi: beyond the superficial, which it clearly is

America: He can give her back some of what she’s lost now the parties are over & somewhere to put her energy that’s feeling wasted on mam & daddy Gaz

America: cos of the superficial she’s decided he’s worthy enough of it & won’t make a holy show of her

Libi: I don’t know why I asked really

Libi: like there’d be something to do or whatever

Libi: she isn’t the only person to ever waste her time and energy though so, no judgment, I guess?

America: She’d be wasting her time & energy if she was hopelessly 😍💖 cos he looks like [indie heartthrob] & can play maybe half of his songs in tune but she’s smarter than that, smart enough to know what he’s like & what he’s good for

Libi: It’s all still beyond me

America: 😂 You’ve had better role-models

Libi: You can say sheltered

America: I don’t know you well enough to put what you’ve been through or not into different 🔴⬜️🔷

Libi: It’s cool, dumb 2nd year isn’t a million miles away

America: Chi wouldn’t feel so threatened by you if you were just a dumb 2nd year

Libi: I’ll do my best to convince her

Libi: that isn’t going to rid her issue with Bobby but nothing has

Libi: who knew this casting would cause so much drama?

Libi: not Mullan, obviously

America: Or leave the lying to me, a seasoned pro

America: Mr Mullan knew what he was doing too, he’s in a dating slump & needed the 🎇🎆

America: I offered to 🌶🌶🌶 up his profiles but that was obviously more risk or reward than he was looking for

Libi: That’s dangerously close to a teen drama style teacher who does the most unprofessional things purely to further the plot

Libi: Not cool IRL, Sir

America: Why I always fake a note for PE, she’s super intense

Libi: [Tell her about JJ sports cupboard gate like LOL yeah she is]

America: 🤯 that was them!

America: I've tried to get Sean to meet me there when he has PE but he says the lads have it wayyyy worse

America: 👌 I know that drawing out maps is 0 punishment compared to like, doing extra runs or washing the teachers balls but Bobby, Louie or Jake would meet you 😂

Libi: I’ve never heard their PE teacher speak at a normal volume he’s always shouting

Libi: I see the 😱

Libi: Bobby would but only because he’d think I was in danger… somehow

Libi: Louie isn’t as… 😍💖🐱💫 as Jake though, is he?

Libi: He seems quite nice to me

America: Bobby 👉 best friend

America: Louie 👉 just friends unless…

America: Jake 👉 destroyed by being put in the friendzone

Libi: I think you’re taking a leaf out of Mr Mullan’s book

Libi: The 💘 is purely fictional

America: If that’s how you want it, Louie’ll stop at non-fictional 🤤 in between scenes

America: 👅💦 staying in his own mouth unless you or Mr Mullan insist

America: he’s not Jake, like you said

Libi: 😂 Omg don’t

Libi: now I won’t be able to do any scenes with anyone without being all 😨😓🤔

America: 😶

Libi: Do you think I can come down with a sudden case of stage fright?

Libi: Can’t exactly fake a note for an out of school hours activity 😏

America: If you hand your role to my sister I’ll come down with genuine 🤮 from watching them perfect their stage 😍💖 on & off it

Libi: Good point

Libi: She’s done literally nothing to deserve that

Libi: I won’t really

Libi: It’s just

America: you’ve gone from 0-1000 where lads are concerned, it’s understandable that you wanna stop the 🎢 & go

America: Lucie allegedly did sign up to the play for 😍💖🍆💫 but the rest of us not so much

Libi: When we do the kiss, it’ll be my first one

Libi: Proper one, not being a kid

America: We could easily arrange you getting kissed before Jake or Louie do the honours

Libi: But who else?

Libi: At the risk of sounding Lucie about it…

Libi: I don’t like anyone so it may as well be fake, right?

Libi: It’s nbd

America: At the risk of sounding like Jake when he thinks he’s doing something cool by playing 😈 advocate for no fucking reason…

America: you don’t sound sure about it being nbd

Libi: Heh, it’s like

Libi: doing stage kisses isn’t, you know?

Libi: but when I think of it as a first, then that does matter a bit

Libi: but that’s stupid, it’s just an arbitrary thing, if I don’t want it to count then it doesn’t, so

Libi: Sorry, this is literally such a non-issue 😬🙄🥴

America: It’s refreshing to have something lowkey to talk about

America: Gary insists on pushing every little thing to crisis point & you know what my sister’s been like about the play 💥

Libi: I do get that

Libi: plenty of dramas to pick from in my family

Libi: it’s crappy when all people want to talk about is what you’re likely spending most of your time thinking about and wanting to not with the rest

America: [some kind of party deets]

America: We won’t be able to hear ourselves think or anyone talk there

Libi: Who’s the host? I don’t recognise the deets

America: You wouldn’t, she goes to [insert name of the nearest catholic school]

Libi: Oh, okay, cool

Libi: I’ll have to ask, obviously

America: let me know if it’s a no before I knock for you

America: don’t wanna get on the bad side of your grandda there’s too many perks to being allowed in your 🏡

America: & your nan already thinks I’m trouble

Libi: She doesn’t, she’s just like that with everyone

Libi: it was kinda her job for most her life so makes sense

America: It’s cool, I recognise the signs you don’t have to cover for her

America: & clearly she does too, trouble & in trouble 🚨

America: is she in touch with any of the people she used to work with who could throw Gary out?

Libi: If only it came with those kind of perks

Libi: He’s still being… himself, then?

America: 🤣 Yeah, you could say that

Libi: And your ma is still blind to it and 😍💖?

Libi: I’ll make sure I say pretty please when I ask about the party then

Libi: Bobby’s invited too, right?

America: She hasn’t stopped believing 🌞 shines out of every one of his holes

America: & ha! I don't know what to tell you about if that'll work or not when I'm literally the wrongest person to ask about asking permission

America: I took it for granted he’d be coming if you are, but obviously invite whoever you want, it’s that kind of party

Libi: It has to fade, everything does

Libi: I’ve got no idea if it’ll work either tbh but it seems like a good place to start 😅

Libi: The more the merrier, got it 🥳

America: Si’s diy tattoos already have & he started those when Chi’s parties stopped, Ciara’s looks like washed off biro

America: maybe don’t tell them I’ll be your 1st kiss if you seriously want to get it over with though 🤫

Libi: 😬 at least the regret will only last as long as the ink

Libi: Don’t tell my grandparents or don’t tell the boys? 🤔😏

America: If the lads don’t know what a bad influence I am, tonight isn’t gonna be the night to be reminded, they’ll be lucky to remember anything

Libi: Heh 😅

Libi: Things with Sean are going well though, yeah?

America: What’s he said?

Libi: Oh God, nothing

Libi: I should’ve phrased that more conversational less unintentional dig, my bad

America: 😐 I knew it

America: he’s uninvited, I’m not gonna be the next Michelle

Libi: I swear he’s said literally nothing

Libi: that was all me

America: He doesn’t have to, you told me going in that he split with her after if it got too serious too fast & his mam hasn’t stopped talking about that

Libi: Mums are just like that with boys

Libi: it isn’t coming from him, that’s what matters, right

America: what matters is not ignoring 🚨🚩

America: & I’ve made up my mind

Libi: To?

America: not pass on the party info to him

Libi: I mean, that’s up to you

America: Yeah & it’s up to him if he turns up anyway, I’m not the only source or saying he can’t

Libi: But maybe, if you want him to come, you should just tell him and not worry about how it could look or could be perceived

America: we’ve been spending loads of time together cos of the play

America: maybe if Mr Mullan wasn’t so trigger happy & had given me more than 1 scene shit could play out differently

America: 💖🔫

Libi: I’m surprised you didn’t get your sister’s role

Libi: not just for namesake reasons

Libi: she is funny, but I wouldn’t have assumed she’d be better suited, you know?

Libi: Suppose she’s known Mr Mullan longer

America: Is she funny or is she mean & people don’t want to realise she’s joking? 🤔🙄

America: Mr Mullan isn’t solely playing safe on the dating apps, I guess

America: I could call him out for not wanting to be on the receiving end of her ‘jokes’ & keep her as a favourite in case you don’t try out again or there’s no other surprise 2nd year star but if I blame him for anything it’s deciding I’m a liability in a bigger role

America: like I signed up with a 🔫 to my head! I wanna be here

Libi: I mean, I don’t think she’s funny IRL at all, but I’m not meant to because she’s definitely mean to me and mine

Libi: but in the role, I’m not going to be unnecessarily bitchy and pretend she’s bad 🤷‍♀️

Libi: That is rude, I don’t think anyone is that desperate to stage kiss and miss a couple of lessons, at best, obviously you want to be here

Libi: He should have a little faith, honestly

America: the script making her look good is on Ms Howe

America: I should've taken art, Mr Mullan's fantasy of what kind of teacher he is is wayyyy closer to her reality

America: though you'd probably have some suspicions I was as 😍💖🐱💫 for you as Jake & Louie are if we had any more shared lessons

Libi: She is a really good teacher, tbh

Libi: Well, I like her

Libi: She doesn’t force her vision onto us, and she basically lets us do what we want, as long as we can prove that there’s artistic merit and skill that goes into it so, yeah 😜👍

Libi: As I only have to kill not kiss you, that’s alright with me 😅

Libi: You could pick it for your senior options, get the fake blood out for old time’s sake

America: I don’t know, I’m sure I’d like her less when she refused to believe my da’s a famous artist

Libi: You’ve got a few years to perfect the lie

America: That’s true, ironically

Libi: 😏

Libi: It’s basically rehearsal, so Mullan can take that as proof of dedication

America: 👌 still won’t hold my breath for the end of year lead but if it means he’ll kiss & make up with me so I can stay dedicated to not being 😍💖🍆💫 over Sean 😜👍

[athingthatwantsvirginia]

Really, Marcia?

PART THRTY-FIVE OF THE DO YOU SEE HER FACE? SERIES

Pairing: Jess Mariano x Original Character (Ella Stevens)

Warnings: mentions of parent death, mentions of anxiety, plentiful pop culture references, lack of dialogue because this is exposition and foreshadowing for the next chapter just hang in there with me friends

Word Count: 4.6K

Summary: Jess and Ella return to Stars Hollow once again during graduation season.

Dropping the bags again in the apartment above Luke’s almost made Ella want to laugh out loud. Maybe she shouldn’t have made such a big deal of leaving the diner to move to Philadelphia; she felt like she almost couldn’t escape Connecticut. The trip, this time, was planned in advance, however. Both Adam and Rory were graduating, and Jess’s new sister had been born only a week earlier. Much was to be done, many people to visit. It made Ella feel slightly overwhelmed, the prescribed familial nonsense. Going back to Stars Hollow was easier when she could just casually pop into Luke’s or her home, and then drive away in the Station Wagon with Jess in the passenger seat and Liz Phair on the radio whenever she felt compelled. But the graduation had a scheduled time, Rory’s graduation party had a scheduled time. There was no getting out of it.

For a moment, she had thought about staying back in her old room in the little blue house. She felt as though they were taking advantage of Luke staying over at his place as often as they did. But then it occurred to her that she had no real idea what her room looked like anymore. The few times she’d been over in recent years, she hadn’t even ventured past the threshold of the small hallway, her door the second on the right. She felt maybe it was better to leave the room the way it had been in her memory. She was not in the business of reopening old wounds for no reason other than curiosity.

There was also the issue of her father. Fiona had been cagey at best about Jake on the phone. Would he even show up to the graduation? Surely he would. Even Noah had traveled back home, for the first time in years, though without his fiancé. She was a nurse, and hadn’t been able to get away from the midnight shifts. He was a paralegal, though, and had been able to swing a Saturday afternoon graduation. But, still, there was a gnawing feeling in her stomach. A fear he would simply not show. He had been at her high school graduation, with his robotic hugs and teary eyes and the usual detached way about him. It hadn’t been warm and fuzzy, but he had been there for her. He had clapped as she crossed the stage. And, as far as Ella was concerned, Adam deserved more than she ever got from Jake. Adam called often, and seemed to get along rather well with Fiona, but remained flighty about their father. She could count on him changing the subject every time Jake was brought up.

“Hey! Eleanor,” Jess said, breaking her from her reverie.

She blinked harshly and jumped at the sound of his voice. Slowly, she turned her gaze away from the view of the window above Luke’s kitchen sink. Town square was decorated with florals, and the troubadour stood playing an upbeat, folksy tune on one of the corners. And, as she thought about her family, it had all struck her as a bit plastic. It seemed impossible for so much heartache to happen to her while living in a place like Stars Hollow, but it had. In spite of the sunshiney smiles and the constant offerings for help. Probably why she got along with Jess so well, who understood more than anyone she had ever met what it was to feel a pain she could truly recognize. Luke, too. She wondered at how many people milling down on the sidewalk were concealing all of their hurt for the sake of maintaining a positive, cheerful facade. The farther away the years took her from her upbringing, the more reasons she felt she was better off somewhere other than her hometown. She had never quite been able to polish her outward mold, could never keep it all under wraps. Instead, she ended up cursing out kids who tried to steal random shit from the diner or punishing herself through constant schoolwork and lack of sleep, all to keep her problems from making it from her mind to her mouth. And, most of the time, she had slipped up eventually. Once more, her father came to her mind. He hadn’t been able to wear a convincing mask, either.

“...yeah?” she asked, then looked down to realize the glass she had been filling with cold water from the tap was overflowing onto her hand.

Quickly, she shut off the sink and sipped carefully at the drink, until it was back down to a manageable level. She switched it to the other hand and shook off the wetness, though it hadn’t felt unwelcome after having just come in from the May heat. Jess smirked quizzically at her, from where he stood at the fridge. They were meant to have a late lunch and then go over to Liz’s house and meet the baby, Doula. Despite how much Luke was making fun of it, Ella couldn’t say she hated the name.

“Jeez, Stevens. Where’d you go?” Jess’s voice was lilted and smug as he pulled some leftover sandwiches from the fridge. Luke had instructed them to finish off whatever diner cast-offs they could find. It reminded Jess of his teen years, tense dinners with Luke at the small kitchen table, eating stale food which had been prepped but never actually ordered. And he felt an odd, surprising jolt of nostalgia. But his face didn’t show it.

She shook her head at herself, placing her glass down on the table and grabbing the cutlery as Jess put the leftovers out on the table buffet-style. It reminded her of the way he arranged a meal on her kitchen table the night they’d watched the prom scene of Carrie together, when he’d brought her a care package because she had a migraine and then refused to admit to it later. And, for the most fleeting of moments, she was in the past and they were the people they had once been. A fond smirk tugged at her lips as she sat down, plates and forks in hand.

“Nowhere,” she replied finally, her voice a sigh. Before Jess could ask anything further, she gave him a pointed glance as she piled some cold mashed potatoes onto her plate and continued. “You sure you’re okay going to Liz’s house today? We could always wait until tomorrow morning, then we could have an excuse to leave and go get ready for the graduation.”

He seemed to consider the idea of a moment as he took his first bite of meatloaf, then shook his head. “No. Let’s just rip the bandaid off.”

“That’s the spirit when you’re going to see a new baby,” she quipped.

“I can guarantee the baby will be easier to handle than Liz and TJ, no matter how much she cries,” Jess grumbled, looking down at his food.

Ella bit the inside of her cheek and leveled him with her eyes. Each time they returned to Stars Hollow, he seemed to get more anxious about it. At first, it was because the entire town had hated him as a teen. But it got much worse when Liz moved there. She thought it strange how much everyone seemed to discount how Jess felt about this, how much Luke complained about her. How much they expected Jess to get over what he was feeling and play dutiful son. It reminded her of the way she felt she needed to treat her own father after her mother died. Though the sexist bullshit about her being the ‘woman of the house’ had also played a part. She knew how Luke felt about family, how he would always show up for family regardless of circumstance. Maybe Jess was the same way, loyal to a fault. But maybe it was only for his chosen family. Maybe the rest of it was more because of all the outward pressure he faced.

She reached over and ran a hand through his hand, smoothing it out. For a moment, she thought of saying something, but decided it wasn’t the right time to start a conversation about Jess’s childhood, or the lingering effects he still wouldn’t acknowledge. Not right before seeing his mother. She was trying hard lately to be patient, despite the way his eyes became guarded at the mention of his new sister or his mother, or the increased frequency of his nightmares. It was getting worse before her eyes and she didn’t know why. But Jess was Jess. And he wasn’t going to see it until he was ready to. It almost physically pained her, the effort of swallowing down the words, but she bit her tongue nonetheless.

He offered her a lazy, lopsided smile in return.

.   .   .

His grip on her hand was tight as they made their way into Liz and TJ’s house, just as gaudy and eclectic as Ella remembered from the baby shower. She might’ve even found it charming if it weren’t for the screaming color of the decor. The place smelled of burnt toast and sour milk, and Ella was instantly glad she and Jess had chosen to eat beforehand, just in case Liz asked them to stay for dinner. The scent was overpowered only by the strong perfume Liz was wearing, which Ella couldn’t ignore as Liz pulled her in for a big hug of greeting.

“Come in, come in,” Liz said in her high, sing-song voice as she led them down the front hall and into the living room. “She’s just waking up from nap!”

The room was littered with toys, empty bottles, blankets, story books Doula wouldn’t be able to read for years. But it was sweet. Ella could see how much they’d been preparing, planning. For a second, she was relieved about it, but then the feeling mixed with a distasteful sadness. Jess had never specifically addressed his bedtime routine as a child, but Ella was fairly positive Liz had never read him Goodnight Moon. She gave his hand a final squeeze before disentangling their fingers and sitting down on the paisley patterned couch. Liz lifted Doula up from the bassinet in the corner by the rocking chair. Ella could barely see the baby beneath the patchwork quilt she was swaddled in. Doula fussed for a moment, and Liz smiled at the two of them apologetically.

“She needs a change. I’ll be right back!” she said, retreating back into the bedroom. “Make yourselves comfortable!”

“Okay. Thanks,” Ella replied cordially. She looked back at Jess as his mother exited the room. “You okay?”

He shrugged, his eyes surveying the clutter. “I guess so. It’s just weird still. All of this.”

Ella hummed, nodding.

“And I’m not really used to the whole baby thing yet. I’ve never even held one before,” Jess said, slightly sheepish and slightly curious. He crossed his arms over the Metallica logo on his worn t-shirt. He’d taken a half day working at Truncheon before they left for Connecticut, and was always happy to change into less professional attire after his shifts.

“I know, but it’ll be easy. Unless TJ pops out and sings that song the frog does in Looney Tunes. Then is the only instance when you’d be even slightly at risk of dropping her,” Ella assured him, leaning back into the overstuffed couch.

She’d gleaned from their conversation the night before that his inexperience with children was also not helping his nerves. The only time she’d ever recalled Jess interacting with kids for any real length of time was the one Thanksgiving she’d brought him to meet her family. But even then, she’d been surprised how easily he’d wowed Erin with his card tricks, and played along with her jokes. Not something she’d exactly expected from the boy who wore a battered leather jacket and a constant scowl and a scarred heart on his sleeve.

“Why do you always worry he’s gonna do that?” Jess asked, cracking a smile for the first time since they’d walked in.

“I told you! He sang it to me one time when I was working and he was hanging out at the diner. He was trying to figure out what song to serenade your mom with,” she explained, eyes wide and utterly serious. “I was just wiping down the counter, minding my own business, and he just appeared, like, right over my shoulder.”

Jess rolled his eyes at the story, remembering when Ella had first told him about it over one of their phone calls, back when they were hundreds of miles apart. “Well, it doesn’t seem like he’s here right now.”

“I didn’t think he was in the diner when it happened,” Ella countered, her voice jokingly grave.

Jess chuckled but didn’t have a chance to respond as Liz reentered the room. A large smile stood out on her face, the baby dressed in a soft punk onesie in her arms. Doula squirmed around a little and cooed, but didn’t seem altogether unhappy.

“Ready to meet your little sister, Jess?” Liz asked, coming over and preparing to put Doula in Jess’s arms before he even had a chance to answer.

“Guess so,” he muttered hastily, eyes widening.

“Just be careful with her head,” Ella offered, watching as Liz hovered over her son, placing her daughter’s head in the crook of his arm.

Jess was surprised at how naturally his other arm moved to cradle her. She felt so light, it was as though he was holding nothing at all. Her skin was slightly flushed from the warmth of the quilt she’d been napping in, and he could feel the heat against his arms and his chest, through his t-shirt. His heart fluttered around anxiously in his chest, and he couldn’t help the slight trembling in his hands, but he was pretty sure he had a good grip on her. Liz straightened up again, looking down at the two of them. Jess almost couldn’t take his eyes off the baby, embarrassed at how awestruck he was. Ella’s nieces were the youngest kids he had ever been in contact with. He had never met someone when they were only a week old before.

“Isn’t she something?” Liz said, hands on her hips. “She looked a lot like Danny Devito when she first came out, but I think she’s finally getting past that early ugly baby phase.”

Jess hummed in absent acknowledgement, but said nothing. Doula had thin wisps of blonde hair, and pudgy, rosy cheeks. Her fingers were curled into small fists, her legs scrunched up. He wondered vaguely if she was going to fall back asleep, since it seemed she couldn’t keep her eyes open for very long. She smelled like rash cream, but he couldn’t bring himself to be annoyed at it.

“Yeah, she’s beautiful, Liz,” Ella answered, though her gaze went back and forth between the baby and Jess. She couldn’t think of a time when she’d seen his eyes so clear and full of wonder before. She’d been too young to hold a newborn when Adam arrived, but she remembered the feeling of holding Erin as a baby, in the hospital just hours after Julie had given birth to her. It was certainly a unique feeling, and she felt her heart swell at the thought of Jess getting to experience it.

Glancing back at the kitchen for a moment, Liz once again gained a frantic tone in her voice. But, after having known her for so long, Ella knew it wasn’t unusual. Liz was the kind of person who put her coffee cup on the top of her car while unlocking the door, and then drove away without remembering it, the mug shattering and coffee splattering on the road behind her.

“Damn, I was just makin’ a bottle when you guys got here. TJ usually does that stuff, but dinner got a little burned. He had to go get some Plan B takeout. Let me finish with the formula,” Liz said, making her way back towards the opening into the kitchen. “You guys okay with her for a second?”

“Yeah. Fine,” Jess answered, surprising Ella.

Just as Liz left again, Doula opened her eyes once more. But instead of letting them shut, she kept them open. She stared up at Jess, her large brown eyes meeting his and doing their best to focus on his face.

“She’s got a withering stare,” he murmured.

“Isn’t so hard, is it?” Ella shifted a little closer to him, leaning over his shoulder to see Doula. “You didn’t have to be nervous.”

“Yeah, maybe not,” Jess said quietly, a small smile on his face as he glanced over at Ella.

.   .   .

Back when she graduated high school, there had been rain. The day before, they’d had to move the ceremony preparation into the small auditorium. People were squished inside, standing up in the aisles once the seats ran out. Ella’s valedictorian speech had been a bit more than daunting with a bunch of irritated family and friends facing her, those who had traveled miles to Stars Hollow only to be packed into the smelly room like sardines. She supposed having graduation outside in the gazebo was better. The class size was small at Stars Hollow High, but it was best when everyone still had personal space. The one downside was the heat. Connecticut was not usually up near ninety degrees in late May, but a pocket of dry air was currently sitting atop the state, moving at a glacial pace.

Ella and Jess had sat sweating on some lawn chairs. While Julie and her husband Michael, who still lived in the same small house in New Britain, were on Ella’s other side, trying to get their girls to sit through the ceremony to moderate success. Annie’s wild curls were blowing in the scorching wind as she sat on her father’s lap, reading the small storybook she’d brought with her. Erin, on the other hand, just about to cross over into adolescence and middle school, had folded her arms sullenly over her chest and rolled her eyes at nearly every name called up to receive a diploma. Ella didn’t imagine she would’ve reacted much better at that age, being forced to sit out in the heat for hours only to watch Adam be handed a piece of paper. Noah had been on the far side of their row of seats, in his plain clothes, looking stoic as usual. He would be leaving just after the fanfare ended. He’d stayed at a motel the night before, with perhaps even less desire to stay in the little blue house than Ella had.

The valedictorian speeches were actually pretty good, but long. Adam would’ve been giving one if he hadn’t stopped trying in every one of his classes except for those involving science during his senior year. Ella respected the decision though. She had never found any application for calculus in adult life, no matter how hard she had worked at it in high school.

Fiona and Jake had shown up, together for some reason, ten minutes late. No seats were left near Ella, or anyone else in the family. Instead, they were relegated to the far back row. Her brows furrowed at their entrance, but they didn’t get close enough to Ella for her to say anything. Jess had brought her arm around her shoulder as she watched them pass her without so much as a look, and took to whispering jokes about their old principal in her ear. It didn’t work as well to distract her as he had hoped, but it had still earned him a laugh or two, which was far from nothing.

As they all stood around afterwards, under the shade of some trees behind the old gazebo, congratulating Adam, Ella couldn’t shake the thoughts of her parents from her mind. She wondered how different the day would be if her mother had lived. Would her parents still be together? Probably. Despite the problems they hid, the ones Ella had become more aware of the older she got, they did love each other. No matter how much her mother laid down and took Jake’s outbursts and his alcoholism, and no matter how much her father ignored Sophia’s distracted nature and inability to decide on anything in life, they loved each other. And, the thought struck her suddenly, that maybe everything would have been easier to swallow if they hadn’t loved each other so much. It would have been easier to accept how quickly everything fell apart, and how quickly her father had found someone new to fill the hole in his heart.

“You okay?” Jess asked, close to her ear as they lingered amongst the group, pictures having been taken and pleasantries having been exchanged.

“Just peachy,” she replied, unable to hide the bitterness in her voice.

“Yeah, I can see that,” he said, pressing a kiss to the crown on her head and giving her hand another squeeze. It hadn’t taken him long to gather how angry seeing her father again had made Ella. He wondered when the last time had been.

“I could do without the Brady Bunch performance,” she whispered back to him, gesturing to the members of her family as they continued with fabricated niceties.

“Really, Marcia? But you’re the oldest sister! That means you would’ve been prom queen!” Jess teased.

She rolled her eyes and snorted a laugh. “Whatever, Wally Logan.”

Approaching the two of them with narrowed eyes, Erin still had her arms crossed over her frilly dress. She had more than one bandaid on each knee, and she had already pulled the french braid out of her red hair. Speaking mostly to Ella, she sized Jess up.

“I remember him,” Erin said suspiciously.

A confused, bemused grin crossed Ella’s face. “Yeah. At Thanksgiving. You were like five. You remember that?”

“I have a really good memory,” Erin said, shrugging, confident and casual.

Ella chuckled at the flippant ten-year-old.

“Photographic, huh?” Jess asked, eyebrows raised.

“Pretty close,” Erin replied, then focused her eyes back on Ella. “Did you ever figure out his middle name?”

“Sure did,” Ella answered, smirk growing. “You wanna hear it?”

“Of course,” Erin said. “I know for a fact it’s not Santa Claus.”

Jess rolled his eyes.

Ella leaned down and whispered in Erin’s ear. Straightening up again, Ella watched Erin’s gaze roam over to Jess doubtfully.

“What kind of a name is Cosmo?” Erin asked.

“Listen, my mom’s into crystals and-” Jess began, but Michael called Erin over for something.

“Gotta go,” Erin said, and skipped off towards her father without another word.

“C’mon, Elle,” Jess groaned, a blush creeping up his neck and warming the tips of his ears.

She chuckled, nudging him with her shoulder. “Sorry, Cosmo.”

Before Jess was able to retort, Fiona and Jake approached them. Considering they were split up, the peculiarity of the two of them arriving together wasn’t lost on anyone, not that it would ever be mentioned. At a closer proximity, Ella was surprised to see how different Jake looked. His hair was greyer, he was skinnier, there were dark circles under his eyes. Whatever has been going on in Maryland didn’t seem to be conducive to health. She had to bite back her sigh at the sight of him. Fiona was more or less the same, though Ella had visited her more or less recently. She couldn’t remember the last time she had laid eyes on her father. The shadow of the man he had been when she was a child was almost completely gone. Her heart twisted painfully in her chest.

“Hey, kids,” Fiona said, giving Ella a quick hug.

“Oh, hi,” Ella chirped, surprised at her instant warmth.

She also hugged Jess, shocking everyone involved.

“So good to see you guys! How are things in Philly? Adam tells me you just got a new apartment?” Fiona asked, buzzing and bubbly. Her black hair was cropped close to her head. Ella remembered how she used to let apprentices at the beauty salon experiment on her locks during breaks.

“Yeah, we’ve been there about a month,” Ella said. “It’s only a few blocks over from school. I can walk there.”

“How nice,” Fiona smiled.

“It is,” Jess agreed.

Shifting uncomfortably from foot-to-foot, Jake finally interjected. “Hi, Ellie.”

“Hey, dad,” she said, biting the inside of her cheek.

“Young man,” Jake greeted Jess coldly, nodding.

Jess gave a curt nod and a thin-lipped smile in response.

There was a long pause before anyone spoke again, filled with distant, amiable chatter of other families and shrieks of congratulations. Out of the corner of her eye, Ella could see Adam was already off with his friends. Soon, they would be headed to dinner and Project Graduation. Part of Ella was glad Adam didn’t want a big day of family celebration. No one would’ve survived any extended period of false positivity.

“I see you’ve got tattoos now, Ellie,” Jake said, looking down at the tulip on her arm, exposed in her spaghetti strap dress. “Your mother would’ve called that sinful, you know.”

The corners of Ella’s lips tugged up into a resentful smile, the words dripping with venom as they left her mouth before she could stop them. “Well, it’s a good thing she’s dead then, isn’t it?”

Both Fiona and Jake’s jaws dropped and it seemed all the oxygen had been sucked out of the air around them. Ella’s stomach dropped and she brought her hand over her mouth just after she said it. Her hazel eyes grew to the size of saucers. Immediately, Jess took her by the shoulders and began leading her in the direction of the diner, blurting out excuses.

“Hey, nice to see you folks, but we have to get to Rory’s graduation party tonight and it’d be pretty rude if we were late so…” he trailed off, stopping once they were far enough away, leaving Fiona and Jake flabbergasted and speechless.

“Oh my god,” Ella muttered, chewing at her thumbnail for the first time in what felt like forever. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I was gonna try to be nice if he came, because...at least he showed up, right? Fuck. Oh my god. Jess. Oh my god.”

“It’s okay, Daria. Just try to relax,” Jess breathed, steering her towards the diner as she instantly began melting down.

“I can’t relax, Jess! Don’t fucking tell me to relax! Did you hear that?! Did you hear what I just said?!” she muttered hastily. “Fuck me! Fuck! Every time I see him, my fucking mouth-”

“Hey, language!” Luke scolded her as they entered the diner, the bell jingling jovially above the door. There were only a few customers scattered around, the mid-afternoon lull.

“God, Luke, I thought age was supposed to negatively affect your hearing!” Ella snapped as Jess directed her to a stool and sat her down, hopping up on the seat next to her.

“Joe Pesci here is having a bad day,” Jess explained shortly as Luke shot Ella a bewildered stare.

“What happened?” Luke asked, arching a brow.

Ella heaved a great sigh and placed her head in her hands, elbows on the counter. “Bigmouth has struck again. And apparently she has even less of a filter now than she did in high school!”

“Right,” Luke said, increasingly confused.

Running a hand up and down over Ella’s back as she continued fuming, Jess gave Luke a dejected glance. “Green tea?”

A shadow of realization passed over Luke’s face. “Comin’ right up.”