#i like it when hes uglier and he doesnt look like a baby

[animutate]

i really love mindchambers first pico art from 2000. the art that tom said made him look too old. so extremely 90s

[alicentsgf]

i think peoples understanding of alicent very much hinges on whether or not they have enough empathy and self-awareness to overcome that first scene we get with older alicent.

we are reintroduced to this character as this callous, passive agressive woman who apparently plots to snatch newborn babies from their mother's arms, someone who lashes out with her tongue and eventually a knife, a far cry from the 'inoffensive' sweet pro-rhaenyra girl that she was. and then like.... we never see her again. not really. because every other scene we get after that walks it back a little, giving us new (or maybe renewed) reasons to understand her point of view; she's frantic. she's scared. she's angry. she loves her children. shes scared for her children. she still loves rhaenyra. she's a caring wife. her husband doesn't love her. her husband barely acknowledges the children he forced on her. she wants peace. she abhors violence. she thinks of the smallfolk when no one else does. she expresses an ability for genuine self-reflection and regret, especially after her own loss of control at driftmark (something we see in absolutely no one else btw, except for rhaenyra once). and i think having your entire view of her dictated by that first scene with her in the Princess and the Queen and never exploring the character further because you've already decided she's not worth it is such a huge mistake.

it speaks to an ability to change your views when presented with new information and reconcile the fact victims can also be perpetrators. because the alicent we meet in the Princess and the Queen is still Alicent. people will say 'oh younger alicent was innocent but older alicent is just a bitch' to justify their hatred of her and it stresses me out because how can you have seen what younger alicent was subjected to, empathise, and then see that she is STILL being subjected to it, and yet not understand and empathise with the woman shes become? is it just because she is now expressing her pain in uglier, more outwardly damaging ways? expressing it in ways that hurts others and not just herself. ways that hurt rhaenyra and her children.

victimhood isn't always going to look like a timid young woman with bleeding nail beds whos easy to feel sympathy for because she doesnt make life difficult for your faves. sometimes its seething, spitting, and wielding a knife but that doesnt make it any less worthy of acknowledgement.

[disney-rapunzel-merida-vanellope]

- not a movie from my childhood, but I would watch the scene where Arthur takes the sword from the stone as a literal mistake in a Disney Christmas compilation dvd

- I love this movie. It’s slow but I like the cute animal transformations with life lessons aspect and of course the medieval aesthetic. Sleeping beauty, sword in the stone, Robin Hood and the black cauldron are carrying the medieval aesthetic of disney AND I WANT MORE.

- It’s stands with lady and the tramp as my 3rd fave movies from this era, only losing to Peter Pan and sleeping beauty

- I only watched this movie after becoming a Disney fan, so like in 2011/2012, and once went to a birthday party where we had to pick a movie to watch. I chose this one and insisted it was good. And it is but I think my friends were wanting something more modern and fun 😭😭😭😭 I guess it’s just not for everyone

- I wanna read/ watch more about these English tales of the Arthurian tales but idk where to look at cause I’m sure the books with the old English will be hard to understand and some adaptations have already bored me to death. Is the green knight from these legends? I watched the movie recently and it was just not for me. Dammit i guess I just wanted disney to cover it all cause the tales in it self are super interesting but probably told best with children in mind. At least for me

- Merlin always talking about future inventions is so funny to me 😭😭😭😭 this is a medieval setting and hes here talking about electricity, planes and even appears with sun glasses and a cap at the end kkkkkkkkkkk

- Love his relationship with the owl

- I love the messy backgrounds like when the color of the objects doesnt say inside the line art and love the rough sketchy line art of the animation

- Why are his family so mean to him 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I do love me some underdog zero to hero story tho 😌😏 they’ll be kissing Arthur’s feet at the end

- why is the wolf following him 💀 that boy is literally skin and bone 💀

- The sugar pot thing has so much personality and doesn’t even have face or speaking lines. I love Disney object characters

- Love Merlin being this old wise future knowing wizard but so clumsy and funny at the same time

- Arthur just shakes his head at everything Merlin says 😭😭😭

- That wolf is stressing me out since the beginning….. for Arthur’s life but for his own as well 😭😭

- Arthur is cinderella and Merlin his fairy godmother

- The owl only working under the threat of being transformed into a human 😭😭😭😭 wish I wasn’t human either

- I relate to the owl the most

- The lesson was going so well and then BOOM that ugly fish showed up. And here comes my poor owl to the rescue cause Merlin is so clumsy and forgetful 😭

- Arthur’s portuguese voice actor is the same as phineas and chat noir 😭😭😭 he sounds so young here. Pretty sure he’s mowgli and taran too. He was basically the actor chosen for young boy characters when he was young

- Want magic to wash my dishes too

- I love the squirrel’s scene so much 😭 its so beautiful and sad. Probably my fave scene.

- THE GIRL DESERVED BETTER 😭

- Arthur’s adoptive family is so mean loved seeing them as floor mops. Can’t wait for karma

- My dream is to be able to fly too. Damn Arthur has it so good. He’s experienced swimming and breathing under water and now flying…..

- Madam mim is so cute. Love her mischievousness and bickering with Merlin

- “I can be even uglier” “that must be hard” 😭😭😭 THAT WAS SO UNCALLED FOR

- The magic duel is so entertaining. They use so many animals and make good use of each of their strengths

- Love how the owl always goes around with his lil stand in when he want to look in the window

- He took the sword so casually 😭 poor baby boy

- But i really like this scene of the taking of the sword.

- Poor kid alone in the palace but everywhere outside people are shouting his name

- “They’ll make a movie about you” i love this meta thing going on

- I really like this movie. It’s just simple and sweet but with great lessons and the medieval aesthetic can never hurt me. Really wanna know more about the legends of Arthur and the knights of the round table. I hadn’t watched this movie in a long time, so there were scenes i didnt even remember but loved revisiting

[kewltie]

i,,, had a thought what if izuku thought he couldn't give kasumi the best kind of future for her so when she had just turned two, izuku met up Katsuki's parents at their house and asked them to take care of her and quietly disappeared so katsuki ends up being a new up and coming hero with a baby girl on the side.

kasumi is raised in the Bakugou household and is love fiercely and spoiled atrociously her grandparents, daddy, and his friends. she got everything a girl can ask for but in the back of her head there's a fuzzy memory of green eyed man and his gentle low voice when he called out her name.  she loves daddy above all even when he's being very annoying and overbearing because Kasumi is Daddy's precious princess and very very much like him as everyone says but when she looks in the mirror she sees blond hair, a perfect face and smile that resembles daddy but her eyes are the color of someone's else. Someone who is long gone from her memories, but they live in each breath she take. Live in the green hue of her eyes.

she doesnt know this person name but she know who he is. her other parent, the one who had abandoned her. she thinks he's a coward and weak for giving her up. she hates him so she wants to find him one day and yell at him and tell him that he's horrible HOW COULD HE LEAVE HER?? DIDNT HE LOVE HER?!

Izuku had carried kasumi in his body for ten months and he had her in his arms, giggling and crying, for only 2yrs but he loves her with all he has. when he had handed Kasumi to mitsuki it felt like he was giving away a part of himself because she is his, his most precious treasure. he broke down crying afterward, like he had just ripped out his heart and given it away but he knows katsuki and his family would give her a better future and a happier life than he could ever do. this is for her, he told himself, but it doesnt stop the agonizing pain he felt. the pain never truly stopped even though he had moved halfway across the country so he doesnt give in to the urge to race back and beg the Bakugou to give Kasumi back to him. he can only watch her grow up in the public eyes as the little princess of the new no. 1 hero, ground zero, like a bystander in her life.

kasumi grew up as the darling of the hero community because she was an enigma to the world. A BABY SUDDENLY appearing out of nowhere and to the HOTTEST upcoming hero?? and he had her while he was in high school?! and WHERE WAS THE OTHER PARENT?! a hero single parenting at his age is absurd. it got the nation scandalized and fixated on katsuki and his baby since day one so kasumi heavily grew up under the spotlight and in the public eye. it didn't help that she was terrifyingly clever, beautiful, blunt, and a natural hellraiser just by being bakugou katsuki's daughter.

the public adore her and she kinda mostly tolerate them back because it can't be help that she's so cute and smart that ppl want to pay attention to her (that bakugou’ss arrogance and confident coming out) lol. every move she make and say is always on the news, she doesnt mind it. really. sometimes when she lets herself think about it, she wonder if HE is watching her on TV somewhere in the world. does he see how much she had grown up now? does he love the dress she's wearing? is he proud of her? is he regretting HOW HE COULD LEAVE SUCH A PERFECT CHILD BEHIND? maybe all her achievements (the best in her class, athletics awards, ballet dancing and extracurricular activities she'd picked up and bested everyone else at) is her way of drawing attention to herself, maybe if she's SHOW EVERYONE SHE'S TRULY THE BEST,,, he'll come back to see her one day. the thing is kasumi is perfectly happy with her life. daddy is the best thing EVER and she loves him so, so much because that she never feels like she's a burden or lacking of anything but even his love isn't enough to fill that empty void in her, the 2yrs that she’d spent with that person.

all the while izuku tunes to the TV everyday in hope of getting a glimpse of her somehow, cut magazines and news clippings of her, and keeps track of her life through pieces of reporting because even if he isn't in her life, he wants to know what's going on in it and if she's happy at all. he'd built an entire shrine devoted to kasumi in his bedroom. there are pictures and news/magazine clippings of her on his walls. any mentions of her from katsuki or others, he'll watch the vid over and over again till his eyes are tired and he can repeat it word for word.  

for several years he had watch her from afar, but on her seven birthday, five years since he'd let her go, he was so WEAK with longing that he bought a plane ticket just to see her. EVEN IF IT'S ONLY A GLIMPSE OF HER WILL DO, TO BREATH THE SAME AIR AND HE'LL LEAVE AGAIN. that's all he wanted. izuku in disguise had lurked around the bakugou's household with hundreds of fans and reporters because it's the birthday of the ground zero's most precious PRINCESS and everybody wants a piece of her. izuku should have been in there with kasumi and the bakugous celebrating  her birthday instead of lurking outside like a creep but maybe that's true in another world. not now though.

in this world, he's just some weirdo stalker who obsessed with bakugou kasumi and her daddy as he waits outside to maybe see a glimpse of her at all. then he heard it, kasumi's boisterous giggles as she loudly proclaims she will magnanimously grace her fans with her presence.

"daddy, these people are obviously here for me," she scoffs, talking to an annoyed katsuki as they stroll out to the front yard. "I'll just say hi then i'll come back. stop worrying. you'll get even more grey hair and what will i do if you become uglier?" SHE'S SO BLUNT AND MEAN and izuku wanna cry because that's HIS BABY

he actually didn't even get to see her in person AT ALL because he ran the fuck away as soon as her heard her footsteps coming outside the bakugou's enormous home because he couldn't endure it. he knows if his eyes fall upon her person even once HE'LL BREAK DOWN AND never let her go again!

he can tell kasumi is lively, healthy, and clearly HAPPY with her life because katsuki had done right by her. izuku knew it was the right choice to leave kasumi to him and to hear that evidence so CLEARLY it was a relief and heartbreaking because it means that he was also right that he couldn't give her this. izuku quietly disappeared back to his life, never stop watching kasumi closely and once kasumi turned nine he decided it been long enough and she probably forgotten all about him and no longer caring about the disappointing parent who had abandoned her in a moment of weakness.

izuku moves closer to them. they're finally in the same city after seven years apart but it's not like kasumi nor katsuki knows that he is here at all. he tries to keep a low unassuming profile and promised to himself that he’ll never approach kasumi or katsuki at all. he manages to keep that promise for a year. then kasumi turns ten and HIJACKS katsuki's press conference to declares in front of hundred flashing cameras that, "my daddy is getting old and lonely and i cant be with him always so i'll be on the look out for good spouse for him :3c!" as katsuki roars in the background lol.

izuku was heartbroken in a diff kind of way compare to when he had given kasumi away because this is katsuki and kasumi, the two people he loves the most, finally moving on without him. katsuki will have a new mate and kasumi will have another parent that isn't HIM. he's happy but also very, very sad.

this is where like FATE OR SOME BULLSHIT because izuku managed to avoid the two of them for an entire year but ~things~ happens and he accidentally bumps into kasumi and KASUMI IS TOTALLY CHARMED by this strange quirkless nervous man who looks at her like she's his entire world. shes like ahh,,, maybe i should introduce him to daddy as a potential mate? not knowing that the man she feels an inexplicably drawn/attached to is actually her papa. bakudeku MEETING AGAIN AFTER 10 YEARS and yea, SHENANIGANS, MISUNDERSTANDING, SO MUCH DRAMA and also KASUMI lol

[lanshappycorner]

Transmigration X Sylvain

Mostly humor & millenial au Sylvain fucking up fe3h. If the read more tab doesnt work I'm so sorry 😔👊

----

Basically, Sylvain is a very casual FE fan and one day finds himself in the body of FE3H Sylvain Jose Gautier. AKA, the guy who betrayed his own friends, used women for their money, and ended up dying a gruesome death because he was nothing more than a canon fodder.

There was no way he was going down that route...so he'd try to change fate.

-----

    “Sylvain, you’re awake!” 

He woke up to the ecstatic faces of an unfamiliar man and woman. They grabbed his shoulders, an intimate gesture, yet he had an itching feeling it was not all that it seemed to be. Now, he wasn’t a genius, but even he could tell something was going on.

He smiled awkwardly, a habit from years of laborious retail work. “Umm...sorry, but I think you’ve gotten the wrong person. I’m not Sylvain.”

Sylvain? The name sounded somewhat familiar. But that wasn’t important, he had all the time in the world to figure that out later. For now, he needed to get away from this couple. Seriously, he was like some 22 year old college kid, what could they possibly want from him?

“Don’t tell me...he hit your head as well?!” The man gasped, his teeth gritted, “That Miklan…”

“The head! Goodness, it really is time we disown him.”

Okay, he really didn’t know what was going on, but he wasn’t going to let some stranger get disowned because these wackos got the wrong person. Personally, if they wanted to disown this “Miklan” person (the name sounded familiar as well, but he couldn’t pinpoint where he had heard it) on their own time, that was their problem. But he wanted nothing more than to get out of here; if that Miklan person was to be disowned, let it not be because of him.

“Wait! He didn’t hit me in the head...I think. A-anyway, don’t disown him.” He said, “I’m fine, see--?!”

He attempted to get out of bed (when did he even get in bed?) and patted the man on the arm, only to realize how utterly small his hands had become. “Why is my hand so small?!”

The couple shared a disgruntled look, and stood up, turning to the door. The man spared him one last glance, his tone heavy with a certain something (it was the kind of “something” he felt as if he should be able to understand, like friends passing secret messages--except this guy was certainly not his friend), “We’ll let you rest a bit more. Your brother won’t be disowned, but if he attempts to harm you again...do tell.”

“...Yeah. Okay. Nice talk.” He laughed nervously.

When the couple had left, he immediately jumped out of bed, hurriedly scanning the room for a window.

I need to break out of this place, these bitches are crazy as FUCK. He thought. Are you serious?! Why is there no window! I hate this place!

There was not a window in sight, yet he could spot a full length mirror in the corner of the room. He stared down at his hands--God, why were they so small--and gulped. How did he even look right now? Him, a 22 yr old adult man, with two tiny sticks for arms. What the fuck kinda surgery did these guys give him while he was asleep?

After a 5 minute debate on whether he should or should not go to see the state of his body, he finally settled for taking a quick peek. If he looked at uglier than he did before...well, that was fine, it wasn’t like he was going to get any girls anyways. He had always been a notorious flirt, but girls just never seemed to take well to him.

Upon looking in the mirror, what he saw was not...him. It was a redheaded 7 year old boy, with a scrawny stature, and a body full of bruises. 

That was when it clicked.

“UM CAN SOMEONE PLEASE DISOWN MIKLAN??”

-----

If he were to be honest, he wasn’t exactly the most avid of Fire Emblem fans. In fact, FE3H was probably his first and only ever Fire Emblem game. He had never played strategic games, but the hype was just too much. He could remember the rabid fans practically crying in Dimitri the moment his timeskip self was revealed.

The problem with being a Not-Really-Fire Emblem-Fan and buying a Fire Emblem game, was that he hadn’t even gotten through 7 chapters of the Blue Lions route and promptly gave up. Look, he wasn’t good at these games to begin with, he never thought that he’d ever somehow find himself in the body for Sylvain fucking Fire Emblem.

“Sylvain” didn’t even have a bright future! The guy had been abused by his brother, Miklan, used by his family, and after losing his shit, he turned on his own friends! Not to mention, he was a flirt, but in the way that he used women for their money and bodies. That is to say, Sylvain Jose Gautier was...scum, absolute dog shit. Who would want to be him?!

“Aight, if there’s no window, I just gotta make a window. Gosh, I’m just so smart.” He grabbed the mirror, as it was the only decently heavy item in the room, and hurled it at the wall. He didn’t worry much about Sylvain’s parents going in to yell at him later, because by the time they came back, he’d be long gone!

Unfortunately, the wall was a lot thicker than he had thought it to be. Unfortunately, the mirror had not made so much as a single dent in the wall. Unfortunately, his twig-like, injured arms...could not even lift up a pen, much less a body length mirror for Mirror Chucking Round 2.

So he went back to bed. It must’ve been a dream, after all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apparently, it wasn’t a dream. 

The mirror was still on the floor, his body was still small, and he was still in absolute pain. At this point, he had to admit it. There was no getting out of this one. He was now “Sylvain”.

His door knob began to twist.

Well, time to put on my best act, I guess.

----

“You told on me, didn’t you?” Miklan growled. “If it weren’t for you…” His sentence went unfinished as he paused, watching Sylvain scurry to the farthest corner of the room. Such a cowardly action didn’t really correlate with Sylvain’s following words.

Sylvain kept his voice cool. “Yeah, um, hate to break it to you, but it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. I didn’t tell on you.”

Miklan grabbed the mirror on the floor, hurling it at the weaker male. “RAGHH!”

“Lovely, what are brothers for?” Sylvain mumbled under his breath as he swiftly dodged the mirror, “We are not bringing that thing up again. The mirror did, like, nothing wrong.”

“Imbecile!”

The room itself was very spacious, but Sylvain really wondered how he hadn’t seem someone of Miklan’s stature run across the room at him. Given, Miklan wasn’t exactly big or anything, he was just a teen after all, but compared to Sylvain, he might as well be the Hulk.

When nearly met fist to face, Sylvain gave up. Gave up acting, that is.

“Gahh! What the FUCK, man?!” Sylvain dodged the hit, leaping across his bed for his life. “That wasn’t very cash money of you, I’m JUST SAYIN!” As Miklan had actually left the door open upon his arrival, Sylvain was easily able to flee. Well, not before hollering, “I curse you with small dick-itis!” at the top of his lungs.

Right now Miklan is probably seething, and I’ll probably be murdered in my sleep, but that’s fine! Just means I don’t need to sleep tonight! Been there, done that--college has trained me well, baby! Sylvain thought, rushing down the stairs. He had little to no idea where the hell he was going, but as long as he wasn’t going to get caught by that brute of a brother of his, he could care less.

“SYLVAINNN!”

Fuckfuckfuck oh shit that’s me haha! Wow, better not respond to that! Sylvain slipped into the nearest cupboard, wrinkling his nose as the pickle-ly smell hit him. Great, out of all the cupboards, I had to go into the pickle storage.

Well, he’d rather smell like pickles than get beat up again. That made him feel a little better about becoming one with the pickles. As he heard Miklan’s steps coming closer, he held his breath, pulling himself into a ball. If Miklan found him here, there was no way he’d be able to escape.

I am a pickle. I am a pickle, and you don’t want to eat me. Don’t open the cupboard, I am a disgusting ass pickle! Sylvain prayed to himself.

For once, Lady Luck was on his side. Miklan was not, in fact, in the mood for pickles. Sylvain assumed OG-Sylvain just wasn’t very smart, because if he were Miklan, the cupboard would’ve probably been the first place he’d check. OG-Sylvain had probably never hid before. OG-Sylvain had probably actually died because he never hid.

...Which is why he was in the aforementioned OG-Sylvain’s body. There was no other soul. Only him. The OG-Sylvain had passed on without being able to grow up. Somehow, although that Sylvain didn’t grow to be a pleasant person, it wasn’t as if he hadn’t deserved a chance at life.

Ah. Sylvain paused. I don’t want to think about this anymore.

[serenavonromvesen]

September 21st, 2019.

I really don’t know where else to vent but on tumblr. I have always used tumblr as an outlet for venting and I’m reaching a point where I really just need to write out how I’m feeling, without cramping my hand writing with pen and paper.

I feel really lonely as far as friends go. I have an AMAZING group of friends, but so many of them live far away. I have my tribe and I feel I will always have that, but its never the same as having lady friends, I literally have like three or four ladyfriends that I can actually hang out with in person, and only one of them is someone I didnt meet through my boyfriend first. its not that I have anything I want to share behind him, its that I always feel like on some level they’re always more his friend than mine- and at that, I didn’t choose most of them to be in my life, they were given to me. don’t get me wrong, I’m SO grateful for anyone I do have currently in my life. I just don’t have any friends who truly understand me, and especially not that are into the things that I am. I would love so much to be able to be friends with another tattoo model in my area, and ACTUALLY genuinely have a real friendship. I emphasize ‘genuinely’ because this industry is FULL of backstabbing bitches that would throw you in front of a bus to get one more step ahead of you. I just want a girl I can hang out with all the time SO bad. and the one person here who is awesome, works like ALLLLL the time. it sucks pretty bad when you only have one true friend and they end up getting way too busy for you. she’s supposed to move away anyways she said, so I guess I better get used to it now anyways. I’m just so sad of having no girls to actually hang out with. Skyping with my best friend is great, but it just isnt the same- and a lot of time I do get put aside compared to actually going to hang out with people anyways. which i dont have here.

now, I’m SUPER introverted, nervous, shy, socially awkward AND anxious, and sometimes I have a hard time making normal conversation. in fact, I am always secretly bothered by the fact that I’m PRETTY SURE i have some form of Autism, but I would never actually say that I am being diagnosed, but I am terrified to find out. I once emailed a place to ask some questions and set an appointment, but I never heard back.. that was i think last year. Anyways, I don’t want a ton of friends or anything. I dont want to hang out every day- it’s exhausting. but I still want the option to be able to call someone up in those rare days where I do feel like going outside or seeing people, to actually have fun. I used to have that in New Jersey, my group of girls that I hang with an we all really support each other. I miss them so bad. I am SO homesick for like, the last two years now. I try not to think about it if I can help it, but I miss my friends, I miss my mom.. I hate that I’m missing my baby cousins grow up, I hate that I’ve FINALLY made a connection with some of my cousins and now I’ll rarely ever see them, I hate that I can’t do body suspensions more often, I hate that I don’t get to see my brother Sean when he visits... but most of all I do HATE New Jersey and could never live there. I just wish so bad it hadn’t been like 4-5 years since I’ve seen my friends and family. it hurts. I’m so homesick for just the strong friendships I have.

I just...know its possible. I know its possible to have the small group of friends I want. I just wish girls weren’t so...mean and competitive. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with thats a female. why is everyone so far away? I’m home alone all day every day. you’d think a puppy wouldve made me feel less alone, but really I’m a thousand times more stressed than ever. I wanted to move for a fresh start, to breathe, so enjoy peace...and as soon as I got here everyones over all the time and it just reminds me how I dont have friends of my own, and how my friends dont come to visit me, and how I never get a second to myself. I finally got the chance and heres this puppy. i love him with my life but I AM SO STRESSED!!! I’m with him 10-14 hours a day by myself and then half of the time I’m still the one dealing with him at the crack of dawn, too. I never get time alone unless he sleeps and then I have to walk on eggshells to not wake him up- AND I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WANT THIS!!! when I was forced to give up my other pupper, Hades, I said I never wanted a puppy again because IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. it puts me on edge and greatly disrupts my bipolar. i literally CANT handle it. I said I would get a dog no younger than 2 years old. I wanted a border coli so bad, maybe even a doberman because I still miss my old dog Max SO MUCH! I like bigger dogs and never really was a big fan of little dogs. I like a dog I can give a whole ass hug to, and feel protected by when I walk alone down a street with him. but no, Michael had to choose, he wanted a puppy, he wanted a small-type pure bred dog which means it’ll be twice as expensive twice as often with vet visits. but he wanted it. he insisted. and now, here we are, just like scooping the litter boxes for all 4 cats, its pretty much almost entirely left on me to do. for so so long I told myself “well he works and I dont really work, I’m home all day and hes not here much to have the time for it.” but you know what I realized? That when I worked full time at Starbucks, or when I worked two jobs at both the Smoke Shoppe AND Spencers, that I still put in the same amount of work as all of this- I was still expected to do all of this. at that, I am SO SICK AND TIRED of him asking me EVERY FUCKING DAY “will you mop today? will you do the laundry? will you do that dogs medicine? will you change the cat boxes?” periodically throughout every morning. like oh, I didn’t realize that I was a fucking 4 year old that needs direction on needing to do basic fucking cleaning tasks!!!!! the only reason I dont get to half that stuff most of the time is that I’m annoyed as fuck at being told what to do / treated that way, and that by the time he leaves for work theres been a whole fucking list of shit lined up that I now feel EXPECTED to do before hes home from work. it literally aggravates me SO MUCH just typing about it because im so fucking pissed off that he does this EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGDAY. it makes me feel angry and completely overwhelmed and then I just spend my entire day dreading it then rushing to do it right before he gets home from work. I just fucking hate it. like I’m fucking 25 years old, I know what the fuck to do to keep the fucking house clean, thanks.

at that, between the no friends, the fucking belittlement of being given a verbal list of chores every day, and the stress from puppy I absolutely did NOT ask for, I am feeling so depressed. I wanted a new house so I could ENJOY it, but instead any moment in my backyard is spent trying to get the puppy to stop eating random crap the people before us left- like glass, I cant enjoy how the inside looks because theres puppy training pads all over the floor which the floor is always dirty because of being in and out of the house with the puppy, or just even a moment of peace at all. like literally this defeated the whole entire purpose of wanting to move. its still a gazillion times better than the trailer, I still totally love this house, but because of my stress and loneliness level, I feel nearly just as depressed as before.

what doesnt help is lately Michael has been SO negative abut things. it’s like when I finally am enjoying myself, he comes through like a wrecking ball being negative, depressing, unsupportive, argumentative, and just plain giving off vibes that make me feel so down. He still makes me feel super happy like 98% of the time, but it is such a downer when hes being super negative about EVERYTHING. or when he gets my hopes up about things and then goes back on his word. he LOVES to tell me yes to shut me up then saying no when it becomes real, a mega part of why I haven’t gotten to visit my family in 4 years. and then he makes me feel SO bad about it. he has no problem bragging to everyone about a vacation, but when its just us suddenly its “I have to do this on my own” and “it’s expensive” like really? thanks for bragging about it for two months, waiting until we have it a month away to tell me its 100% on me to plan it, then complain about everything I tried to plan, WHILE making me feel like a complete and utter loser that I’m a failure at everything I try to do so now I don’t make any money. I literally fucking hate myself again. that’s where I’m at. I’m starting to find my body, my hair, my face- all of it repulsive. I hate how I look. I hate my hair and how my dreads are all lose, but I have to ask him for money to be able to fix my hair. he always tells me just ask and it isnt a problem but then when I do want to do things he makes me wait ages and puts it off or flat out complains- or if it all goes smoothly he throws it in my face the first fight we have. I just feel like such a fucking loser, that’s getting uglier by the day. and when I finally worked up the courage to go to the gym, its like pulling teeth to get him to go- I’ve been asking for a year and we STILL haven’t gone. I want to be a breakdancer SO BAD and I’ll never get to do that if I can’t go to the gym to work out. he tells me to just go but he doesnt understand that being a woman alone in public these days you’re at extreme risk of being raped and 10/10 multiple dudes will trying saying gross things and hitting on you/catcalling. I wish so so so so so bad I could go out for a day and have not a soul talk to me or look at me. what a dream that would be. I just cant go alone. its literally dangerous. scary.

I just feel so STUCK. I want to make money so I can contribute to the house and pay for what I need MYSELF. I never ever liked being someone who fully depends on someone like that. hell, a decade ago I refused to let anyone even get me a simple drink from a convenience store. it still feels uncomfortable to have to be like this. I want to be able to take care of myself. to know that if it was just me that I wouldnt just...be out on the streets. now I’m getting married and its a great relief that thats a less legitimate fear, but I still want to be able to take care of myself so that I could help my babe. he works SO hard for us and spends SO much money taking care of us, I just want to be able to pay my part of that and make HIS life easier, so that we BOTH can do more things that we like instead of just paying bills till the next check. I feel so useless and worthless. but everything I try to do I just fail at, or I’m too depressed and just lose the passion for it. or the will to do nearly anything. I really thought moving was going to change everything for me but... I feel nearly just as depressed. the environment change has definitely helped but, it didn’t suddenly cure my depression like I hoped for..

I just feel so alone, in like, literally everything I try to do. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. when I do think I fit in, it just turns out to be a delayed rejection. I swear I get screwed over and stabbed in the back more often than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I’m easily forgotten and definitely easy to fuck over. I just wish people werent so hateful and selfish... all I want is to have female friends I can actually hang out with, have some help with my puppy, to talk to my fiance without him thinking I’m having an argument, to workout so I can dance, and to do something I love that makes me happy that I can make money with. I feel like I failed as a model too. I make all these plans and then.. I can never accomplish them. I often think, is it worth it really? to compete with all these girls when I dont care about competition? to be screwed over because I’m an opponent to everyone I wish I was friends with? to try and build working-relationships with photographers who seem to forget about me before I even get my pictures back? to not be paid for modeling when I spent tons of money on clothes for shoots? to not have my name out there after a year and a half? to not even be able to find a photographer that wants to shoot for publication? or be told I’m not inked enough to shoot again (the day after I got tattooed?)? I just feel like a failure. I spent over a thousand dollars on clothes for shoots, plus all traveling expenses, to have only ever profited $50 one time and then never get my edited photos back. I just feel like I’m not worth anything, that I can’t contribute or make money without making myself excessively unhappy working jobs I hate- only to be belittled there too.

I don’t even care about social media anymore. I don’t care to check instagram or post on it. why? so I can spend two hours doing makeup so I could post a selfie to write another caption telling everyone that “one day” I’ll do more? what’s the point? If only I had someone I could invite over to talk to about it :( I just feel so...unexcited by everything. like Stan in the episode about shit. I’m bored, I feel gross, I feel lonely, I’m overwhelmingly stressed, I’m growing to hate myself again, and I feel like I don’t have the positive influence I need to get better. I WANT to get better, I just need help and I don’t have anyone I feel I could reach out to that could actually help me. I just really need a friend...

[asksansweredpdf]

1. State your name: no. this is an anonymous page 2. State the name that your parents almost named you: tahleen 3. Which of your relatives do you get along with the most? my dad’s mum 5. Did anything embarrassing happen this week? Omg at work i was signing someone up for our rewards program and i asked them “did you have a postcode?” instead of “what was your postcode?” thus insinuating that they were homeless  7. White chocolate or dark chocolate? white 8. Do people praise you for your looks? yaaa esp at work 9. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? red, black, and anything sparkly 10. How do you wear your makeup? foundation, mascara, then i dip my make up brush into black eyeshadow and run it along the top waterlines of my eyes (not bottom), go for a natural lip colour. one that adds colour but doesnt look like im actually wearing lip stick 11. What are some of your nicknames? ragnus 12. How many bedrooms are in your house? 3, but we converted the garage and lounge room into bedrooms too 13. How many bathrooms? 3 14. Do you have a job? yaa 15. Do you have a car? nope, but im thinking of getting a motorbike  16. Do you work out every week? no. i used to go for walks in the summer, but now that it’s april, it’s getting colder and darker earlier 17. Did you brush your teeth this morning? yeah i can’t stand the feeling of unbrushed teeth. sometimes brushing my teeth is the only thing that gets me out of bed. 18. Have you ever kissed someone you never saw again? omg yes 19. Have you ever sung in front of a crowd? once at school and it was a disaster 20. What kind of bathing suit do you wear? a bikini top w board shorts 21. Do you like your eyes? yeah they’re cool 22. Do you think you are pretty? absolutely. but only when i smile. when i look sad, i look uglier. 23. Who was the last person you talked to in person? my dad. i offered to do the dishes. he said it was cool 24. How much money is in your bank account? i have just over 1.5k in my savings, and then a bit more in my normal account. 26. Do you want kids? absolutely not. i have 3 younger sisters. i’ve done my time in looking after babies and kids. i want a responsibility-free adulthood as soon as i can get my hands on it.  27. Tell me what your back pack looks like: when i was at uni i had a green one with leaves on it that people kept saying looked like weed. but now that im not in uni i just use a tote bad that says ‘all good’ on it 28. What celebrity do you think is hot? i currently have the WORST and BIGGEST crush on rdj. i dont know why, and i certainly didn’t expect to crush this bad. but as soon as i watched marvel’s movies, it was just thrust upon me   29. Last movie you saw in theaters: fucking dumbo. it was a bullshit movie and exactly as boring as i thought it was going to be. i wanted to watch captain marvel instead, but my mum forced me to go with her and my 6yo sister. waste of fucking time.  30. Are you dating the same person you dated last year? hahaha nooo. we don’t talk anymore. i think he’s mad at me 31. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? no but he did have a girlfriend ksjfsdlfjdslk 32. Have you ever cheated? nope 33: Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? yes omg 34: What do you like to do in your spare time? watch tv shows or listen to music or go on this website 35: Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who you reblogged this from? yes, maybe if they asked me? 36: Who was the last person you texted? my friend emma 37: How many datefriends have you had? like 2 or 3. im not great at communication lsjglds 38: How do you look right now? pretty good. just had a shower and my lips are red because i keep rubbing the dead skin off them 39: Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? my work friends haha. i love those guys