#i like her but every once in a while we’ll start talking politics and she’ll say something that makes me think ‘oh so THIS is why leftists-

[askinnyblackman]

i was talking to my (liberal) coworker about my student loan debt and fuck joe biden and all that jazz and then i started talking about how happy i was about having my monthly (federal) student loan payment lowered by a ton and she was like “but fuck joe biden right?” with the most Democratic snark and i was like yes???? first he said he would cancel all of it, then 50k, then 20k, then 10k, then okay we’re gonna keep the pause going but you wont accrue interest, then okay we’re starting up your interest, then okay payments are resuming and you better vote for me again, jack. yeah it’s way better for me now but he’s still a shitty old man with shitty policies who will not materially help you out of his own volition. this is the man who has been trying to cut government spending for the last 40 years. why would he change. he will never change

[luvcherry]

Let Me In [1] ✾

Natasha Romanoff x Reader. 3rd POV. Word Count: 4.2k.

- || Part Two ✾ Complete Chatroom Masterlist

Summary: Y/n is back in the city, a place she never thought she would be. A heavy cloud hangs over her until it produces a heavy storm.

Content: mentions of a past toxic relationship, slight angst.

A/N: I hate to call this a starter chapter because it makes it seem like it's not important, but this chapter is just to get us started. I hope you all enjoy the sequel! It won't be as long but it will tie up all the loose ends!

MINORS, AGELESS BLOGS, AND BLANK BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED.

"If you keep dragging your feet we're going to miss the shuttle!"

"I don't like it here, it smells," the five year old groans, tugging hard on Y/n's hand. The plane ride had been fairly easy with her, but the young girl grew restless as she had to walk on her own. The moment they began their lengthy walk to baggage reclaim, she complained that her feet hurt and that she was tired. She braved it earlier due to the excitement of flying for the first time, but now she was making it harder for Y/n. Y/n did her best to keep her at bay, but nothing she said could get her to stop whining. Once they made to bag reclaims, Y/n had to carry both of their carry-on bags, roll her suitcase in her free hand, and make sure she didn't lose the five year old in the busy crowd of the airport.

"I know Kennedy, but we have to keep going, c'mon. We're almost there."

She held onto her hand tightly as her suitcase rolled against the pavement. Y/n feels a little bit bad about dragging the little girl along as they exit the airport, but it's either that or being forced to wait another 30 minutes for a shuttle to the rental car pick-up building. Y/n had developed the skill of tuning Kennedy out when she really needed to; she's learned to just deal with the guilt later.

Every step felt a bit more agonizing than the other. Making it to the shuttle gave her the smallest feeling of relief, but it's something she'll take. The small bus is fairly crowded already but there is one open seat left. Y/n helps Kennedy up the stairs and ushers her to that open sear. A few eyes gloss over the two before reverting back to their phones. Y/n feels so awkward and out of place even though she has no reason to feel that way. It's been some time since she's had to deal with the busy process of the airport and she forgot just how much anxiety it gives her. This was Kennedy's first time on an airplane, and Y/n's first time going somewhere more than 50 miles with her. Y/n stands close to her, worried that somehow if she takes her eyes off of her for even a second that the girl would disappear. Y/n's mother offered to come with them, but Y/n politely declined her offer. It was hard enough to answer her phone call in the first place; she just isn't ready to talk to her yet let alone be around her.

The cracked windows of the bus allows a breeze to flow in and out. Y/n is grateful that she's in the city now when it's Spring, almost Summer, time. It's lovely in the winter, but she doesn't think she would be able to handle the snow and the cold while alone with a five-year-old Kennedy. She hasn't seen snow yet, but maybe when she's older they'll come back together so she can see just how pretty a city looks when it's covered in a light dust of snow.

"I'm hungry," the whine of a child is unmistakable and Y/n worries that Kennedy will annoy someone riding the shuttle with them.

"Shh, I know you are. I promise when we get the car and then we'll stop and get some food, okay?"

The plan seemed to placate the little girl who was playing with the straps of her little book bag. They had run out of snacks half-way through the plane ride and Y/n was worried about a meltdown happening. Kennedy kept quiet but sat there with a pout on her face and her arms crossed. Y/n took her silent fustration as a win since it's better than her crying.

It seems as if the shuttle driver was driving painfully slow, making a 25 minute trip into a 45 minute one, but they finally arrived to their destination. They come to a stop and a few people file out before Y/n and Kennedy can even prepare themselves to leave. "C'mon," Y/n whispers to her, grabbing her hand and holding it tight. They start towards the exit before some man grabs Y/n's suitcase for her to give her a helping hand. He gives her a sympathetic look, one that she is used to and has learned to stop taking the wrong way. She's just glad to have made it this far even though their journey isn't complete. With Kennedy's hand in hers, they walk inside the car rental center.

What was a hectic 7 hours felt worth it once they were secure in the car and driving into the city. Y/n feels oddly safe when she begins to recognize buildings and high rises as she drives into the city's limits. These buildings are so painfully familiar to her. She can hear Kennedy constantly going 'wow' in the backseat as they pass more and more tall buildings. Everything is so big compared to her and it must be a nearly magical experience for her. Y/n had the same feeling when she first stepped foot into this city.

"Are those buildings touching the sky?"

"Kind of. If we have enough time we can take a tour of the tallest building in the city. It's so tall that we'll be floating on the clouds!"

Kennedy let out an excited giggle that made Y/n smile. It is bittersweet. Completely bittersweet. She was coming back to this city, mixing her old life with the new.

Y/n hopes that everything goes smoothly with her job, Kennedy, and herself. She fears the elephant in the room is going to make itself known and cause a disruption in her life. She is older, but she is not necessarily better with handling her emotions. She became an expert at repressing herself by age 10 and she easily can do the same with her emotions as an adult. The feelings of sadness and disappointment she's felt in recent years feels like nothing compared to the first half of her 20s. More devastating things have happened to her since she was 19, but heartbreak she experienced as a teenager is fighting to overtake every heartbreaking moment of her life. Y/n has fought back very hard to keep those feelings deep down. But the dissonance in her head and her heart had her feeling completely out of whack the moment she accepted the offer from her job.

For the last few weeks she pretended like she didn't care about the particular location and that it didn't mean much. Yet the years of imagining and secretly rehearsing the scenarios she drummed up in her head where she comes out on top serve as evidence that coming here does in fact mean much. She does care. No matter how hard she tries to convince herself she doesn't, she absolutely cares.

The chances of running into anyone familiar is slim seeing as this is a city with over two million people. Her and Kennedy are drowned out by the sea of locals, expats, and tourists. But even just being here makes her wonder.

-

"It's two weeks long. I know you've got Kennedy to take care of but the university provides a daycare service. Dr. Bennett specifically requested you — you were recommended by an old teacher of yours. this would be great for your resume, Y/n, and it's paid for. I hope you don't let this opportunity pass you."

Y/n found it tedious to travel for her job. Location aside, she didn't like having to make a decision about something so major so quickly. There are many, many pros to this little two week work trip, and virtually no cons honestly. But it felt like a ripping off the band-aid off of a wound too early — except she suffered that wound 7 years ago. Now she sits in the place that is the very genesis of where her problem began.

Kennedy was buzzing to go into the place with the giant frog outside. It looked just the same as it did when Y/n first came here years ago; not even a single poster had been replaced. She hesitated to step inside but she had no choice when the five-year-old developed some mysterious strength and dragged her to the door as she walked on her little feet.

"Look at my frog!" Kennedy croons. Y/n quickly shushes her so she doesn't disturb anyone around them. Y/n noticed a few annoyed glances when she walked in with a small child in tow. She knows what it's like to be bothered by the presence of a kid in a place that caters to an older crowd. But, she also finds herself being upset at the people who look at the two of them with contempt. Other people's reactions to Kennedy is still something Y/n is not used to. The town they live in is so small and to itself, so it's easy to skate by anyone. A few older women in town will fawn over Kennedy if they spot her and Y/n at the grocery store or library. Other than that, it's always just Y/n and Kennedy.

"Make sure you finish up all of your food; alright? We have to go soon."

"But why?" There was a little bit of sadness in her eyes made Y/n feel guilty. She's had a tumultuous morning, experiencing an airport and airplanes for the first time in her young life. The least Y/n could let her do is enjoy her time here for a little bit longer, but they have to check into the hotel sooner rather than later.

"Because we have to get to our hotel. Don't you want to walk around, and maybe see if they have a pool?"

Kennedy looked at her with excitement before nodding her head profusely. Y/n's not so sure about the second half of her plans, but anything that placates Kennedy is good. She was probably too tired to even put up much of a fight. Y/n is swamped after the hectic morning the two had and she almost wishes they hadn't even stopped at this damned café. The freneticism of this morning is partially her fault due to obsessing over whether or not Kennedy was going to behave. Most of the plane ride she was on edge thinking about someone yelling at them because Kennedy was too loud. Y/n is a big girl now, but confrontation still scares her. She also fears Kennedy facing the harsh realities of the world for the first time. She fears that if that day comes, she might not know how to stand up for the two of them.

But, she doesn't have to worry about that now. It's easy for her to become inundated with the what-ifs and scenarios where everything goes wrong that it's hard to remember that everything is fine. Y/n's worries are a part of a larger fear she's playing the game of pretending it's not there. She has problems to confront, but right now she is fine. Kennedy is preoccupied, playing with a little plastic frog, and not making a fuss about them having to leave soon. A song Y/n remembers from years ago is plays through the speakers and it serves as a reminder that she's made it here safely. She's always so in her head, always worrying about how she's going about her life. Slowly this becoming a debilitating coping mechanism when she has very real things in the real world to deal with.

She lets Kennedy enjoy a few extra minutes snacking on her food and playing with her toy before telling the little girl it's time to go. It wasn't as painful to be here as she thought it would be. The familiarity makes it comforting as she hasn't been anywhere else outside the small town in Arizona where she resides now.

"It's time for us to go now," she quietly ushers her to grab her little bag and the toy she quickly grew fond of. Kennedy didn't complain about having to leave, much to Y/n's relief. She could always actually take Kennedy to the hotel's pool if she ever gets too upset, but that's her last resort.

"Can we watch TV when we get back?" Kennedy reaches up with her small hand and Y/n grabs a hold of it, both of them holding onto each other tightly in what feels like a strange world for the both of them.

"Sure, but after we put all of our clothes away, okay?"

"Fine."

Y/n has this habit of looking down at Kennedy as she's talking to her even if she's walking. She's walked into strangers before because of it. It's no longer feels like a huge embarrassment since it has become a frequent thing, but Y/n always feels a tiny piece of guilt for not paying attention to her surroundings. When she feels herself colliding with someone, she realizes that he has happened again and she immediately goes into apology mode.

"Oh god! I'm so sorry...sorry!" Y/n backs up and apologizes to the person. Her first instinct is to look down at Kennedy to make sure she is okay, so she doesn't even make eye contact with the person she just ran into.

"I thought that was you."

Movies and TV shows have told her that a familiar smell, sound, or voice can transport a person back to a poignant time in their life; today was not the day Y/n wanted to learn that that was true. She looks up and feels like she's got the wind knocked out of her. Not even the collusion was as jarring as registering Natasha's voice and face in her head. Suddenly it felt like the Earth had shifted underneath her feet and she felt uneasy. Of course the thing to pull her back into her body was Kennedy's little voice.

"Sorry for running into you!" She says as if she was the one being so careless and clumsy. She's completely oblivious to what is going on.

Watching Natasha laugh and bend over to reassure Kennedy that she hadn't done anything wrong made Y/n's blood run cold. She found herself warring with her needs and her wants again. She needs to keep walking and leave as quickly as possible, but what her subconscious wants is to stay here. She knows that Natasha didn't wake up this morning and expected to see her ex after years of being apart. Y/n can certainly understand if she's confused and shocked by not only her presence, but the little girl holding onto her hand tighter now, but maybe she wouldn't ne so in the dark if she made different decisions.

"I...I'm sorry," Y/n repeats, this time her voice hoarse from her mouth becoming dry. She's sure that Natasha is still able to read her like a book and can feel how deathly nervous she is. She feels stupid by choosing to just stand there instead of continuing on about her day, but she's paralyzed.

Natasha stands tall again and looks at her. She looks at her as if they're old classmates or something like that; not people who once dated each other. It's partially because Natasha isn't sure how to act right now.

"It's okay, Y/n," she reassures her.

Kennedy looks between the two adults as they stand there silent for a few seconds. She's so confused but her five year old brain would not be able to comprehend this moment even if someone tried to explain it to her. She doesn't know why Y/n is frozen in the spot, not saying anything, and just staring at this stranger. She misinterprets Y/n's behavior as fear and begins to feel weird about the woman with red hair.

"Why are you here — I mean — why are you in the city? I never thought I'd see you here again," Natasha laughs nervously.

"I'm here for work," Y/n responds curtly.

Natasha nods her head which makes Y/n nod her head too as if she's her mirror. It's more awkward than any moment Y/n had as a teenager and wants the floor to open up and swallow her whole. It's like seeing Natasha's face leaves her stuck on stupid and she forgets to function as herself. She feels too many emotions at once that it's dizzying. She she doesn't even have the words to describe some of the things she feels. Her body feels to be no longer under her control and she wonders if this is just a vivid dream that she will wake up from in seconds and will still be on the plane in midflight.

"Excuse me!"

Without thinking, all three of them step to the side. Neither Natasha or Y/n realized they were blocking the exit to the café. Natasha can't be mad at the guy who yelled at them because they were being a nuisance, but this is an important moment that Natasha doesn't want to be ruined by outside influences.

Natasha never thought this would happen more so than Y/n. She didn't think Y/n would want to step foot into this city ever again; she already wasn't too fond of it, plus Natasha had given her a reason to hate it. She can't decide which is more shocking, seeing Y/n here at this café where they met for the first time or that she has a child holding onto her hand for dear life right now. She can't help but keep glancing down at the little girl because she's desperately trying to see if she can recognize the traces of Y/n's face in hers. Natasha had not checked up on Y/n after deleting her Myspace page, and she felt too guilty to find her on Facebook (if Y/n even used it).

She wonders if Y/n is still mad at her even after all of these years. She wouldn't be able to blame her if she was mad. The more time Natasha had to sit with her thoughts she came to the conclusion that what she had done was shitty to say the least. Not just the break-up itself, but the entire relationship as a whole was a bad move on her part. She knew that in the moment when it was happening, but those few months after she felt worse and worse about it. What Natasha wasn't expecting was to feel so bad about it right now. Y/n is not a young girl anymore, she's 27 now, but in her face Natasha can still see some of that innocence she had in college. It's good that a part of the light in her eyes hadn't been completely dulled, but she's so curious if it's because she's matured or not.

"How long are you staying in the city?"

Y/n is hesitant to even give her an answer. She knows what that question will lead to and she knows she won't be able to decline any offers from Natasha. And that's exactly why she answers, "two weeks."

"Two weeks is a long time! What are you going to be doing."

"Oh, I'm a research assistant. I'm going to be working in the university downtown. I didn't want to do it, but you know how jobs give you better opportunities if you clear your whole life schedule and travel for them."

What was a little joke to clear up some of that awkward air was a reminder of why it's so awkward to be around Natasha in the first place. Y/n sees a change in Natasha's face, a flash of guilt, but the redhead quickly washes it away. Y/n didn't mean it in that way even though deep down she still has that resentment towards her ex-girlfriend.

"That sounds great," Natasha's eyes flash down to the little girl who is anxiously buzzing before looking back at Y/n, "well I won't hold you two up any longer. But, I do want to extend an invite to have dinner. It's the least I can do." Through the formalities and faux friendly behavior is a show of humility from Natasha. The look in her eye is almost sympathetic, like a nice good meal is the best she can do to offer Y/n some comfort for a pain she caused seven years ago. "You two will probably be eating out a lot, so I can cook so you can have a homemade meal," she continues.

Before she can't process anything Y/n's lips are moving and she's agreeing to this plan.

"Great. I have a new place that's nice and big, and I could use some guests to help me break in the place. We can exchange numbers and go from there."

"It's still (630) 555-3825, right?"

"Yeah," Natasha is shocked that Y/n still remembers her number. She also can't gloss over the fact that Y/n figured she wouldn't change her number. "That's exactly it."

"I'll call. Okay?" Natasha nods her head. Y/n looks down at Kennedy to check in with her; the little girl was growing restless just standing there and listening to the adults talk and they're going to have to go soon. "I'll see you later."

Y/n gives her a small smile, the first one of the trip, and the first one Natasha has seen in years. It's refreshing to see even if she can tell that it's forced when she sees Y/n's true emotions are right in her eyes.

Y/n walks past her and leaves the café with Kennedy in tow. Natasha is still a bit stunned that that actually happened. It was like a movie moment in real life but without the glamor and a more painful feeling. She didn't expect a happy reunion, but she at least thought the tension between the two would have lessened. It's been 7 years, many career changes, and possibly many relationships later, that should require someone to move on to an extent. She hopes that the dinner will be more lighthearted and less awkward. She can't believe Y/n accepted her offer, but if she's anything like she remembers then Y/n still struggles to say no.

Natasha leaves the café and heads home in the opposite direction of Y/n's hotel. What was once a decent, sunny morning turned into a bitter afternoon. It was the opposite of what Natasha felt inside. She felt an optimism that was almost uneasy. For years after that break-up she was desperate to make it up to Y/n for her ego's sake. She wanted to prove to Y/n and herself that the break-up wasn't just a power move. But, it is also easy for Natasha to delude herself when she wants to justify her actions that cause emotional harm. She'll have to reevaluate what she gains from this and what she wants out of it, if she wants anything, but right now she revels in the happenstance.

That is until her phone begins to buzz and takes her out of the moment. An unfamiliar number pops up on her screen. She rarely answers calls from numbers she doesn't know, but she does this time.

"Hello?"

"I'm just making sure you have my number."

Natasha was not expecting Y/n to call her just five minutes later. Y/n didn't expect to call her either but she wanted to hear that voice again and how it has changed so much yet still tugs on her heart all the same. She's too stubborn to admit any of that to herself though.

"Oh okay. I have your number now."

"Okay. My work schedule isn't exactly always accurate so I'll be the one calling you," Y/n says matter-of-factly.

"That's fine. I'm off of work every day at 4."

"Okay I'll call you when I can to set up a time for dinner. Bye-"

Natasha quickly interrupts her before she can hang up, "Y/n?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask you something? I don't want to be rude or pry, but I'm just very curious."

"Sure, go ahead."

"Is that your daughter?"

Y/n is surprised Natasha hadn't asked her sooner. She kept looking at Kennedy with a mix of fear and confusion when they were at the shop; Natasha tried to hide it in her eyes but it was so obvious to Y/n. There is no way that a person wouldn't have many questions when seeing their ex with a small child. Maybe Natasha didn't ask earlier because she wanted to be polite and not ask in front of Kennedy. Y/n is grateful for that.

"No. She's not mine, but she is mine...if that makes sense."

"It does." It absolutely doesn't make sense to Natasha, but now is not the time to try to get any more information out of Y/n. Despite there still being some confusion, Natasha feels a sense of relief wash over her at the answer.

"Okay, well I gotta go."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye bye."

Natasha's plans when leaving the house today to run some errands was to go home afterwards and continue her productive day. Now she feels like kicking her shoes off and taking a bottle straight from her wine cellar. Bucky is going to be in for a story tonight.

[yutahoes]

His Girl

Part One of this ask. 

characters: vice CEO! Yuta Nakamoto, daughter of CEO! Y/N, Yuri

word count: 3.2k words

genre: fluff

idea by @nuoyipeach thank you, Amina for this.  💚💚

tagging @junglewoos​ 

Yuta has everything in his life. A supportive family, a wide range of friends, an extravagant amount of money, a fancy house, and a luxury car. Being the vice CEO of a large family company made him the most eligible bachelor in town yet he never saw himself as someone in a relationship before. Not that he hated girls, but unlike his friends, he believed in the magic of love. His parents were a great example of that. And he wanted the love they have.

Even if he had every luxury in life, Yuta had always felt lonely. Maybe because he grew up as an only child. Or because he had to grow up as an adult now. It’s like there’s a void missing in his heart.

He wasn’t new to the charity parties his mom would always host. No one would support her better than him. But he hates it when she uses this as her way for him to get introduced to other girls his age in their social circle. So even if he’s the son of the host, he would always find himself outside the venue.

Today, her party was held in an orphanage. It was a confusing theme for him. Why here of all places? Yet, as usual, he went outside the hall after being introduced to twins who were five years younger than him. He was on a call with an international client when a soccer ball went to his feet followed by a young girl in a messy bun running to where he is. Yuta had to put down his phone before picking up the ball. “Is this yours?” He asked, which made the young girl nod. “You can play soccer?”

“I can kick the ball.” She answered that made him smile, nodding. Of course. “Can you play soccer?”

Yuta smiled. When was the last time he played the sport? Maybe during high school? “When I was younger.” He handed the ball to her.

“Why can’t you play now?” She asked. There’s a lot of answers to that question. He’s an adult. He’s so busy with the company to play. “You still have your feet.”

Yuta chuckled. She was right. “Then, can I play with you?” She nodded, smiling widely. Her smile is so pretty, eyes sparkling. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Yuri.” She introduced then held six fingers up. “I’m six years old.”

The older man removed his jacket, placing it above the bench. “I’m Yuta.” The young girl giggled saying that they almost have the same name, making him smile. She’s so cute.

It’s been days since he met the younger girl in the orphanage yet his mind can’t get past the fact that she kicked the ball like a pro, she even goaled twice against him. Yuri. Almost the same name as him. Whenever he had nothing to do, he would trail off to the thoughts of the younger girl giggling. It might be the happiest day in his life.

The void he was missing all along.

He weighed the pros and cons of his decision. He needed to be responsible if he pushed for this. Needed to make time for her. Money isn’t the problem, just time. So one dinner night with his parents, he opened the topic. “Mom, if I adopt a child, can you help me take care of her?” He sounded so casual that his parents were too surprised. His mom liked the idea while his dad just smiled at him, saying that he honestly wanted a kid in the house. “I’ll make time this weekend, mom. Can you come with me to the orphanage?”

It was a decision that scared Yuta. What if instead of being beneficial to the child he becomes harmful to her? The nun running the orphanage kept on thanking him, even explaining that they were given three months if they wanted to continue with the adoption that confused Yuta. There’s such thing as that?

Yuta smiled when Yuri entered the door. She grinned, running to him and asking if they could play again. “They’re going to adopt you?” The nun said that made her look at the two in question. Yuta nodded, saying that they can play whenever they want which made her grin.

His mom kept asking Yuri if she wanted to eat while driving her to their house. The younger just shook her head, answering politely that she’s not hungry. “If you need anything, we can get you what you want. We’re going to meet your grandfather and he’ll be happy to meet you.”

“Grandfather?” She repeated that made Yuta look at her from the rearview mirror. Their eyes met. “Then Yuta oppa is going to be my dad?” The older woman nodded. “Who’s my mom?”

Yuta lightly chuckled. “I can’t promise you one for now. But we’ll see, Yuri.” The answer even made his mom smile which she hid in a cough.

She was excited to see the wide yard and a goalpost on one side, squealing that she’ll have a blast playing soccer. A large pool can be seen from the back of the house and her eyes feasted at the high ceiling and the chandelier she called Cinderella. When the older woman brought her to the kitchen, a small popper can be heard that startled them. There’s a banner welcoming Yuri in their house and different food on the table. Yuta was astounded at the fact that it was his dad who made all of this. The president of Nakamoto Corporation throwing a small party like this? They might really be too excited about having a kid in the house.

The couple was showing Yuri all the rooms in the house, introducing her to the maids and the cook while asking her to tell him what she would want to eat all the time. Yuta stayed in his own office to finish some work he brought home. The door opened followed by a small knock and Yuri was there, eyeing the large spacious room. “Can you tuck me to bed, please?” Yuta chuckled before leaving the folder on the table and standing up to follow her.

Yuri’s eyes were so wide when she entered the room. “We can change the color of your room if you want,” Yuta said that made her shake her head, plopping on the bed. “Are you fine with everything?” 

She nodded, hugging the pillow. “I don’t want to change anything. I’m just happy to be here.” Yuta smiled, pulling the blanket up to cover her. “Thank you, Yuta appa.” Once again, he smiled widely.

He hasn’t done anything. It’s too early to thank him yet.   

Yuri adjusted well in their house that made Yuta relieved. His parents were both attentive to her and whenever Yuta would go home in the evening, Yuri’s smile would always take away all his tiredness. Her, staying in their home is the best thing that might have happened in their lives. On weekends, he would teach her soccer. His mom would have tears in her eyes seeing Yuta laughing with her.    

And to formally welcome her to their family, his dad had asked Yuri to come with them to another charity party.

Yuta held her shaking hand as they got on the elevator to where the party will be held. She’s in the light violet dress that his mom picked for her and she looked really cute, but something is missing from her look. “Are your friends going to be there?” the young girl asked that made Yuta nod. “Can I tell them that you’re my dad?”

“Of course you can,” Yuta answered immediately then gave her a confused look. “Why?”

Yuri smiled, shaking her head. “Can I eat anything inside?” His parents smiled adoringly and Yuta nodded, telling her that she can eat anything except the wine. Yuri held his hand tight when the elevator doors open.

She quickly became the darling of the crowd, everyone liking her cheery aura but some stared at the younger and Yuta as if asking why. Unlike other parties, Yuta never left Yuri’s side who was seated properly at their table. He would only stand up to refill the marshmallows she liked so much. He took a long time when the wife of the chairman of another company came to him and introduced her daughters. He also bumped into some international investors or clients and stopped to greet or make small talks with them.

When he returned to their table, Yuri was giggling and talking to a girl who was sitting on his chair. “Appa!” She called that made the older girl turn to him. He knew her. Y/N. What is she doing here? “She is Y/N unnie. She talked to me while you’re gone.” Yuta apologized, putting down the plate of marshmallows while sitting on the chair beside Yuri. “She also gave me this clip.” Yuri showed the glittering clip on her hair. Yuta smiled, the missing piece of her look.

“I’ll get going,” Y/N said, smiling at Yuri. “It was nice to meet you, Yuri.” But the younger held her hand, begging not to leave yet.

She lightly glanced at Yuta in worry which made him look around. Some people were looking at them. Yuta held the back of Yuri’s head, “Do you want to go outside with Miss Y/N?” The younger girl nodded while grinning widely. “Is that alright with you, Y/N?” She looked startled but nodded, holding a hand out for Yuri which she immediately accepted.

Yuta watched the two disappear to the giant doors heading outside to the fake yard by the balcony. Maybe Yuri needed a woman’s attention. She talks a lot with his mom but Yuri might need a younger perspective. Yuta sighed, leaning on his chair. Maybe Yuri needed a mom.

While the younger girl was occupied, Yuta started talking to some businessmen he knew from the crowd. His mom asked once where his date is and he only said that she’s outside with someone. When she asked who it was, he only smiled. “Can you believe how thick-skinned that guy is?” Yuta’s dad asked and without even the name, he knew who it was. “He’s only here to get some investors from us.”

“Honey, he’s friends with the party host.” the older woman said while holding his arm and Yuta nodded at his dad, watching the rival businessman. Now that he’s staring, there’s nothing common between him and his daughter. Maybe she looks like her mom. “Do you want to go already? I’ll get Yuri.”

But Yuta shook his head, saying that he’ll do it. He smiled at some girls his age who were obviously talking about him before opening the large doors to the balcony. Yuri was seated on the fake grass next to the older girl in the silver dress, her laugh echoing in the air. “Yuri.” He called softly that made the two stare at him. “We have to go home.”

He saw how her face fell then stared at the older girl who had her back on Yuta. “I still want to talk to you more, unnie.” The girl tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, promising that when they meet again they’ll talk a lot more. “Oh, your clip.” But she shook her head, saying that it’s a gift.

Yuri ran to the older guy, bidding farewell to the girl who only smiled while brushing her skirt. “What did you and the unnie talked about?” Yuta inquired while holding her hand. Yuri grinned, answering that it’s girl stuff and she had fun. Yuri does need female supervision.

-----

It was another party, Yuri wearing the hair clip given to her in hopes of seeing the older girl, when Yuta found out how much that clip costs. It was pure diamonds and only two clips like that were made, one of them belongs to a well-known princess of a foreign country. If someone knew, Yuri’s life will be in danger. He needed to ask Yuri to return the clip. 

Since they had always been attending parties or Yuri coming with him to work, he decided to hang out with the younger girl and get her some clothes or things she needs. Of course, it’s much better to let his mom come with her but Yuri always complains that she gets tired easily that the younger can’t even ask her to play in the ball pit which she wanted to do. So to do what she wants, it was Yuta who came with her to the mall. 

It was a large place, filled with luxurious things yet Yuri doesn’t look excited at all. He was looking at the necklaces in the display, wanting to give Yuri one as a gift. But when he looked to his side, she was already nowhere to be found. Yuta looked around in panic. He just diverted his attention for a short time, she’ll be around. But he cannot spot her yellow shirt anywhere. Fuck, his mom is going to kill him. 

He can’t call someone, his mom will know for sure. How do you look for a missing child without alerting anyone? Yuta just roamed around the mall, keeping his eyes out for the younger girl. "Mr. Nakamoto." Someone called, stopping him from his tracks. The larger man bowed at him and he bowed back, confused as to why he was approaching him. Who is he? Maybe he took Yuri. "Ms. Y/N is with your daughter," Y/N? Did she kidnap Yuri? "They're at Selene's as we speak." Huh? 

Yuta just thanked him before heading to the shop he mentioned, his eyes blinded by everything pink. A girls' store, no doubt. The lady welcomed him and guided him inside a small door which read VIP, asking him if he wanted anything but he shook his head. He just wanted to see Yuri. 

The large curtains opened and he stopped in his tracks when the younger girl came out with a light blue dress. Yuta smiled at how cute she is. "Appa!" She called while grinning at him. "Where have you been? Why did you get lost?" What? He heard a giggle from another side of the room when the large curtains opened and Y/N could be seen in a wedding gown. 

Yuta gulped. She looks pretty in that. But he didn't know she's getting married. 

"Unnie, that's prettier," Yuri claimed, jumping on the couch and staring at the same girl Yuta is staring at. "Take a picture wearing that."

Y/N giggled. "And you look so pretty with that dress." She complimented then asked the lady in waiting to get a white belt for Yuri. "And please, can you get Yuta some drinks?" The guy looked surprised before shaking his head, saying that he's fine. "We'll just finish this quickly. I'm sorry." The guy nodded before she nodded at another lady in uniform. 

One lady took Y/N's pictures while the other put a belt on Yuri. He was lost at the moment. What is happening? But Yuri was having fun so he just sat on the couch, staring at the younger girl. "Unnie wanted me to model the clothes she made." Yuta was startled, she made these clothes? "She said she's going to give the clothes to me and they're really pretty." 

Yuri was called to take pictures and he only watched as she posed for the camera as if a real professional. She's so cute. He took his phone to take pictures of her so he can show his mom later. Y/N went out of another door in a shirt and jeans, watching Yuri. "I'm sorry. She saw me and said she wanted to come with me so I asked a bodyguard to look for you." Yuta shook his head. So that was her bodyguard? Heiresses really had it differently. 

"I didn't know you make clothes." 

The girl smiled. "I went abroad to study for it." He remembered her just leaving during their third year of studies in university to go abroad. Yuri skipped to where they were, twirling around. "Are you tired?" 

The younger girl shook her head. "Can I try the pink dress now, unnie?" Y/N had to look at Yuta who only nodded. The younger made a little 'yey' which made him giggled before running to the fitting room followed by one lady. Y/N had to tell another lady to get a white hat with a pink ribbon. 

"I'm really sorry." She whispered. 

Yuta smiled. "Girls." He said with a sigh that made her laugh. He watched as she put a clip on her hair, remembering the one-of-a-kind hair clip Yuri has. "Oh, I asked Yuri to return the hair clip you gave her but I don't think she brought it today. Can I just send it to you later?" 

"What hair clip?" She just forgot a million-dollar clip? When he explained what it was, she only nodded. "That was my gift to Yuri, it's fine." Yuta gave her a pointed look. "Your daughter is very lovable Yuta." She giggled before continuing, "She must have got that from her mom." 

Before Yuta could say another word, the curtains opened and Yuri was grinning in her light pink dress. Y/N kneeled to fix her skirt then took the hat to put it on her head. "This looks so good on you. You're so pretty." She cooed but Yuri held her cheeks that surprised Yuta. "So are you, unnie." Why does he suddenly feel like the third wheel here? 

He was smiling as he watched her pose for the camera, smiling widely. Yuri really loved this. And he loved seeing a new side to her. When she was done, she suddenly complained about being hungry and asking Y/N to come to eat with her and Yuta which made the older girl look at him nervously. "Listen, honey, your dad and I can't be seen in public." 

Yuri looked confused, "Why not?" Yuta had to answer that their dads are rivals and that they hate each other. "Why do they hate each other?" 

Y/N giggled at her endless question. "It's like my dad and Yuta's dad liked the same toy so they always fight to get that toy." Yuta chuckled at her explanation before Yuri's words surprised him, "Why can't they just share the toy?"

Children's minds are really simple, Yuta thought. It's true though, this company rivalry is getting out of hand. And seeing Y/N nodding, answering the younger with a 'They should, shouldn't they?', he realized it shouldn't be this way. "But you can invite her to grandpa's birthday on Saturday," Yuta claimed, which earned a wide-eyed look from Y/N. 

"Yuta, I can't…"

"Mom said we can invite anyone. You're Yuri's friend so it's just right to invite you." He explained but she only sighed. "You made Yuri's dress and you're my guest. I'll send you an invitation, Y/N." 

"I'll wear the dress you made, unnie." Yuri exclaimed. "You don't want to miss it, right?" 

Y/N had to laugh before nodding at her. "You're such an amazing negotiator," She teased the younger girl. "Probably got that from your dad." 

Yuta laughed. She probably did. 

Had fun writing this but I had to cut the fic since the next scenes are kinda dark and heavy. By now, I know you already know what the plot twist is. 🤣 

Second part will be posted first week of August.

Thank you for reading. And please, feedback is highly appreciated. 😁

[uwuwriting]

Aizawa, Todoroki and Shinsou bringing their kids to work

Request: I just binged your whole blog and let me tell you Hawks bringing his kid to school was fhrqhelfifreh so could I request todoroki shinsou and aizawa bringing their kids to work - anonymous

Okay till the end of this week I’ll be giving you fluffy stuff because starting next week we are entering angst territory . I hope I finish the fic with Shirakumo’s daughter and then I have some angst requests to get to. So this is like a parting gift to happiness. Love ya. 💖💖💖

rules

masterlist

warnings: fluff

Aizawa Shouta 

-He loves being a dad. 

-Unlike his students his son, Kaito, is a very very calm two year old. 

-They take naps together in their matching sleeping bags, Shouta is the only one who can feed him his vegetables and they usually grade papers together. 

-You are the one who looks after Kaito while Shouta is at work and once he gets home you go off to your agency. 

-So basically Kaito spends half of his day with you and half with Aizawa. 

-When you were called in that morning because of a villain attack, you had to leave Kaito with Aizawa. 

- “I’m so sorry Shouta, Midnight was assigned on this mission with me and I don’t really trust Hizashi with a two year old.”

-He chuckled, taking a sleeping Kaito from your arms and giving you a kiss on each cheek and then on your forehead. 

- “Don’t worry kitten, I’m sure he will be an angel.”

-In the teachers lounge, before class starts for the day, nearly half of the staff is cooing over the still sleeping toddler. 

-They keep complimenting Shouta about how much they look alike and how cute he is. 

-He just grumbles about how he wants them away from his son.

-He was saved from the bell, dashing to his class surprising all of his students with his sudden appearance. 

-They hadn’t yet seen the baby in his arms until he stirred in his sleep, a few baby words tumbling from his mouth. 

-Mina was ready to let out a really really high pitched squeal when Sero slapped her mouth shut. 

- “Its sleeping!”

-Aizawa just let out a sigh and set his stuff on his desk. 

-He went to start his lesson like usual but that apparently wasn’t an option. 

-Sir you have a baby in your arms don’t expect us to stay silent and learn something useful. 

-Kaito woke up a few minutes into the whisper shouting argument Shouta was having with 18 teenagers. 

-He slowly blinked the sleep from his eyes, letting out a small yawn before looking around, his e/c eyes landing on all the new faces. 

-Everyone was silent, expecting the toddler to start crying at the change of scenery and at the absence of his mother but surprisingly no. 

-He rested his head on Shouta’s shoulder and shyly waved at the class. 

-Since he was awake Mina could be a little more vocal. 

-All the girls wanted to hold him, their main mission being to make him laugh. 

-Some of the boys were asking Aizawa some questions  while others were entertaining the toddler. 

-Kaito was really amazed by Shouto’s flames and he let out a heart warming laugh. 

-Uraraka made things float around the baby while Kaminari made small sparks. 

-Aizawa has never heard his baby boy laughing that much before.

 -At home he’s quiet, laughing only when you tickle him or when Shouta’s stumble scratches his plush cheeks. 

-Maybe taking him out more and letting the class hang out with him a little wouldn’t be so bad. 

-The last person who approached the kid was Bakugou, who crouched down to his eye level and they just stared at each for a solid minute. 

-Then Bakugou activated his quirk and the mini explosions made Kaito giggle and reach out to Katsuki. 

-The rest of the day was spent fawning over Kaito, nothing changed even after three hours of toddler entertainment. 

-When it was time to leave, the kids begged Aizawa to bring him again. 

- “Maybe I’ll bring him to the dorms at some point. But don’t irritate me you brats because otherwise he’s staying home.”

Bonus:

“I heard that you, little man, were a heartthrob today!”

*baby babbling*

“Yeah he didn’t let me teach.”

“Like it bothered you.”

“I never said that” 

Todoroki Shouto

-You had to go on a mission abroad for a week and today the twins’ preschool had informed you that they wouldn’t open today. 

-Frantically you called Shouto, proposing some solutions to your problem. 

- “I’ll take them with me.”

-He wants to spend more time with his girls anyway. 

-Both of them are very curious about their parents’ job and they have asked both of you to take them to work. 

-This was their chance. 

-You went to protest, knowing how stressing hero work could be and not wanting to stress your husband out more.

- “Love, I want them with me. I want to spend time with my snowflakes.”

-You couldn’t argue with that.

-He woke them up and helped them get dressed, leading them to the kitchen for breakfast while he simultaneously did their hair. 

-The twins aren’t really morning types so they tend to be really quiet until noon. 

-Telling them what they would be doing today, Shouto grabbed his things and stretched out both of his arms. 

-When people at the agency saw the youngest Todoroki with two little girls clinging to his hands they were confused. 

-They knew that he had a family, you two worked at the same agency after all, but they had never seen your kids. 

-And let me tell you that 90% of your coworkers are now cooing at the three year olds. 

-Shouto knew that his daughters didn’t really like crowds, even Rei who was the talkative one of the two would get shy and hide behind him when new people approached. 

-Because of that he scooped both girls up and quickly made his way to his office. 

-A few staff members greeting him and the girls but not many stopped him. 

-Once inside he set them down and went straight to work. 

-The girls are really quiet in general. 

-They pulled two chairs on either side of their father and sat there, coloring and doodling or just staring at his reports. 

-Surprisingly, Ren asked some questions while Rei stayed quiet.

-The crowd at the entrance must have exhausted her social battery. 

-Pushing his chair back, he pulled both of them on his lap kissing their foreheads before going back to his reports making small comments here and there to keep them updated. 

-Rei fell asleep after half an hour and it was the cutest sight. 

-Ren followed soon after, the little white and red haired humans clinging to his shirt like a life line as they snoozed off. 

-He took a picture and send it to you making you jealous beyond belief. 

 I want cuddles too!!!  😣😣😣  Someone’s jealous.🥰🥰

-He leaned his head on one of them at some point and he too fell asleep. 

-His secretary walked in to inform him of his father’s arrival and had heart eyes for the rest of the day. 

-She took a picture and sent it to you, informing you that your husband was sleeping on the job. 

-They were too cute though so she couldn’t bring herself to wake them up. 

-But alas there’s no rest for the wicked so he woke up at some point. 

-The rest of the day was spent with the three of them going to meetings, filing reports and training at the agency’s gym. 

-Watching two mini Shoutos running around the gym pretending to train is top tier stuff. 

Bonus

“Rei sweetheart don’t freeze your sister.”

“But she’s the bad guy!”

“Am not!” *flames flying*

“Ren don’t burn the place down.”

Shinsou Hitoshi

-Kei is actually the one who wanted to go to the agency. 

-She had asked both you and Shinsou to take her with you one day. 

-She may be using it as an excuse to skip day care but you do you hun. 

-It was her birthday and the little shit used that to her advantage.

- “Can I come with you to work? Pretty please?”

- “Kei...”

- “And it’s my birthday today.”

-You just level Shinsou with a glare.

- This is all you 

-Shrugs. 

-Now you have no choice but to take her with you and hope that everything goes smoothly. 

-The main reason why you didn’t want to bring her with you was the looming possibility that someone could attack and your little girl would be in extra danger. 

-Hitoshi reassured you that everything would be fine. 

- “Her parents are two of the best heroes in the industry, she’ll be completely fine. I promise.” 

-He woke her up the next morning, scooping her up and bringing her to the kitchen for breakfast. 

-She was really clingy in the mornings and wouldn’t function correctly if one of you didn’t hug her until she fully woke up. 

-Hitoshi is really soft for her during her birthday. 

-He’s soft for her everyday but today he’s ten times softer. 

-Gets her dressed and ready for the agency and is out the door in no time. 

-Shinsou talks about his family a lot.

-He has like fifteen photos of you and Kei in his office and a bunch of her drawings tapped to the wall. 

-He adores his family okay?

-So your coworkers aren’t so surprised when they see the small mess of violet hair resting in his arms. 

-She too doesn’t like crowds but won’t cower away. 

-She’ll put on a brave face and greet the strangers with acute politeness. 

-As long as one of you is in a ten inch radius she’ll be fine. 

-She answers all the questions that are being thrown her way. 

-She even sat there and suffered through a handful of cheek pinching. 

-Shinsou sees her suffering and scoops her up, excusing them and taking her to his office.

-You kissed her forehead and headed out to your own office, making her promise to visit you at some point because you too need some cuddles during work. 

- “We’ll catch bad guys momma!!”

-She is a curious little girl, so for the next two hours or so she’ll be exploring every nook and cranny of Hitoshi’s office, opening drawers and cabinets, digging through case files and boxes. 

-Then she might play with Hitoshi’s capture tool before visiting you for an hour or two. 

-You love having her attention but you know she’s simply taking a break from her dad’s office. 

-She’ll be back to Shinsou in no time. 

-Daddy’s girl.....it iz what it iz. 

-Around noon she starts to get tired. 

-If she was in day care she would be taking her daily nap.

-Her exploring tired her way too much and that’s why she’s now snoozing off in one of the armchairs in Hitoshi’s office. 

-He draped his jacket over her and let her sleep. 

-Later on you two took her to a meeting, allowing her some insight in the hero industry. 

-Plus she gets to hear the tea. 

-For training she tags along with you, doing some laps and trying -and failing- to do some push ups. 

-At the end of the day she was exhausted, sleeping soundly on Hitoshi’s shoulder as you made your way home.  

Bonus

“I don’t want her to grow up.”

“Well we could always make another one.”

“Way to be subtle mister....”

“Let me smash...”

TAG TEAM AY:

@iwaqchan​ @the-arcana-fan-fic​ @angelwritings​ @axerrri​ @reinyrei​ @dnarez​

[from-a-reckless-writer]

here lads have an angsty supercorp soulmate story

It starts exactly 24 hours after Kara’s departure. 

It’s subtle at first. It actually reminds Lena of the first few days after they met. 

The slow but steady build-up of pain manifesting itself into little things; shaky hands, dizzy spells, chest pains. The pills help, of course. She’s already ingested 5 pills in the span of 3 hours and she’s contemplating taking more. Just to keep the pain—threatening to overtake her—at bay. But what good would she be if Alex finds her passed out on the floor? Veins chock-full of narcotics? 

So, she wills her hands to stop shaking and pushes on. She sends a text to Jess to send a shipment of pills to her home address; tells her to be discreet. 

She can do it. She’s done it before. She can fucking do it again. And she will bring Kara home. 

Because every moment that passes with them apart, means a step closer to Lena’s death. 

You might think she’s exaggerating, but really she isn’t. See, Kara’s her soul mate, not just in the figure of speech wax-poetic sense but literally Kara’s her soul mate. 

But her being a Luthor of course, soul mates wouldn’t come easy. None of it had ever been easy. Why would this one be an exception? It wasn’t unheard of, no, there were a few rare cases of it being recorded. Of course, Lena would be one of those people. Why wouldn’t the universe add shitty soul mate luck into the long list of misfortunes in Lena’s life? What’s one more curse, right? 

See, Kara’s her soul mate but...Lena isn’t Kara’s.

“You look like shit, Luthor. You’re allowed to take a break you know?” 

It’s Alex who breaks her out of her reverie. She prays to God that Alex doesn't notice her shaking hands. She’s well aware she looks like shit. She feels like shit, she doesn’t need Alex of all people to point that one out. But now, Lena notices that the whole place is empty, she didn’t even notice J’onn slip out. She didn’t even notice Alex coming in too, really. 

Brainy had long passed-out in one of the beds in the MedBay in the 2nd level of The Tower, Nia taking up the opposite bed. There was a brief moment when she walked in that made her feel tempted to occupy the third bed and take a break. But then, her chest tightened and a flare of pain lit up her whole insides, it was reason enough to keep her feet moving and back unto the computers trying to pinpoint Kara’s location. 

“I know,” she replies, “But it’s really not necessary, Alex. I’ll rest after.” 

She doesn’t need rest, what she needs is Kara to be here. 

She refuses to look at Alex, fingers flying across the screen. Alex shifts closer to her, lays a hand on her right arm prompting her to stop. Her eyes land on Alex's hand and continue up to Alex’s eyes. 

“We’ll find her, Lena. But you have to rest. I’m serious, Luthor. Come on,” Alex persists, wrapping her hand more firmly and tugging at Lena to follow her. 

She doesn’t say that rest will do her more harm than good. She doesn’t say that if she closes her eyes all she would see is Kara’s body floating all alone in space and the pain would start anew.

First, her chest and then travelling up the rest of her body until all there is is pain. 

She doesn’t say that she needs to work in order to distract her from the pain. 

Instead, she holds her tongue, lets Alex bring her to the 2nd level and tries to have the most fitful sleep of her life. 

***

It gets worse on the 5th day of the second week. It really isn’t a surprise considering this is the longest she’s had to go without Kara around. 

She’s taken mega-doses of painkillers in anticipation for today. Last night was a nightmare, she had to bite down on a hand towel as waves of pain assaulted her, again and again and again.

When morning came, it slowly subsided. Once feeling had returned to her legs she ran into the kitchen and swallowed 3 pills immediately. 

It doesn’t matter if she’s taken 3 or 4 or a whole bottle today, because it will just get worse and worse the longer Kara isn’t by her side. 

And so, she drags herself into The Tower again, because she needs to finally find a way to bring her back. 

She tries to ignore the tightening of her chest even though she’s really having a hard time breathing now. Not to mention the pain behind her eyes that is bit by bit making it difficult for her to coordinate with Brainy’s computations. 

She’s taken to keeping a bottle of pills on her person now. Opting to take them dry as if they were mint candies to keep her tongue moving while programming lines of codes. 

She thinks she’s still being subtle. 

Well, she is.

Until she isn’t. 

She crumples to the floor in front of everyone and a guttural scream of pain breaks free from her lips. 

***

When she wakes it’s to Alex sitting by her bedside. 

She lets out a groan in response to the sore feeling of her entire body. It’s like the time they were forced to do team building exercises all day in Mt. Helena and Lena nearly passed out. 

Alex hands her a bottle of water. She sips greedily before handing it back and wiping her mouth. 

“Hey? How you feeling?”

“Like I wanna die.”

Alex sighs and Lena intentionally avoids her eyes. 

“It’s Kara isn’t it?” Alex says and Lena doesn’t bother with lying anymore.

“It is.”

“How you survived almost two weeks away from her, I wouldn’t know. Two days away from Kelly—” Alex breaks off, inhales deeply and then sighs again, “That’s already torture for me.”

“I’ve had a lot of practice,” She retorts flatly, hands fiddling with the rough edges of the blanket. Alex looks like she wants to say something about that but Lena beats her there. 

“How?” She asks, gesturing to the IV drip. How am I not feeling pain right now? How am I still breathing? How am I still alive?

“The DEO created a special fluid for agents,” Alex reveals, “They distribute it to agents on field assignments. That way, them and their partners don’t die from pain. Good thing, J’onn had a stash hidden here, well, we always thought it would be for me and Kelly. Never expected you, Luthor.”

Lena takes that in for a moment. So, the DEO had a special formula of Dextrose to stave off the pain of soulmate separation and apparently she’s using up all the remaining bags of it. 

And it’s not even supposed to be for her. 

“Don’t worry about it. Brainy can replicate the formula.”

Worry must’ve shown on her face. So, she works on schooling her features again, she knows that Alex is itching to ask her questions but is trying to be polite. 

There’s really no use hiding anything now though. 

“K-Kara’s my soulmate,” she finally says out loud, and she’s always thought that it’s supposed to feel cathartic and freeing but instead it just feels heavy. 

“But I’m not hers,” she quickly finishes, better to rip the band-aid off. She briefly looks at Alex, whose face doesn’t give her anything; mouth a tight line and eyes shining with curiosity. 

She doesn’t know if Alex had ever had a conversation with Kara about soul mates before. Had they talked about it? Had Kara ever mentioned Lena acting too clingy whenever they don’t see each other for a short period of time? Had Kara ever told Alex if she would want a soul mate of her own?

But the look and silence from Alex’s side makes Lena refrain from asking. 

Instead, she starts to tell her how it had hit her the instant Kara walked in her office. How there was a zing! and her brain had immediately screamed HER. That’s the one. She’s the one. 

How when they met eyes and Kara had told her her name it felt like Lena’s soul finally found her home. 

“I asked for her name and I kind of thought she’d wait for me to get out of the office,” Lena trails off and Alex takes it for what it is. 

Their first meeting was all sparks for Lena but then, the conversation kept going and going and Clark had tried interrogating her and Kara didn’t do anything. 

Didn’t approach her afterwards, didn’t show any reaction that might’ve given Lena a clue that she felt the way Lena did. 

A conclusion was easily reached. 

Kara was hers but she wasn’t Kara’s. 

After the initial shock settled in, Lena set to work. Because that was what she did best. Work out a solution to everything and anything that poses a problem. 

How many people have dreamed about meeting their soul mate? How many years had Lena sat there hoping that tomorrow maybe, maybe she’ll finally meet them? She never expected this, never expected her soul to find a home that isn’t hers. 

Staying away from Kara was a non-starter, it’s only been a day since they parted but Lena can already feel the beginnings of pain. Slow but sharp shots of throbbing from behind her eyes then came the shaky hands then the dizziness and then— 

They became friends and Lena made sure Kara didn’t know anything about her growing need to be close to her; didn't let Kara know about the fact that the universe made Lena its most epic punchline yet. 

She agreed to scheduled game nights and movie nights and lunch dates. She never knew the pain of soulmate separation during those early days. Kara was always around; bringing her a salad, covering an L-Corp gala, crashing on Lena’s couch. 

“It was easy, you know? Kara was always there. What are friends for?” Lena mimics Kara and then repeats somberly, “It was easy, Alex.”

Or at least, Lena kept telling herself it was easy. She had it easy. She didn’t have to think about painkiller pills or cutting her business trips short—because the pain becomes unbearable too soon—like so many of her board members do. 

She had it easy with Kara, she can just call and she’ll be there. 

Until, Kara started going MIA. And for three days pain overtook her entire life. The pain made her unable to think clearly, the pills kicking in at the last minute. 

“You haven't been around. Supergirl's been there for me. Person who judges me on the very premise of my last name, but my best friend hasn't,” she accuses because Goddamnit Kara has no idea what kind of shit Lena had to endure with her going away with no warning. 

Logically, Lena knows it’s partly her fault. 

She knows that if she only just told Kara that she needs her to live, Kara would stay. But she doesn’t want anything to change. 

Of course, Kara would stay, it was the kind of thing a person like her would do. 

Kara would take care of her, whatever Lena needed she would give. 

But Lena didn’t want things that way. 

She wants Kara to want her the same way she wants her. 

But no, Lena’s not going to tell her that. She is never going to know. She will find an alternative. So, she injects as much venom as she can into that accusation, “B-but maybe it’s better if I leave.” 

She makes Kara leave. 

She just got her cure back and immediately Lena had pushed her away. The moment Kara stepped out of the door, a dull throb already kicked in her chest; as if telling Lena she was making a big mistake. 

She regretted that night so much, Jess had to drag her drunken body out of her office. 

Then it became normal again and Lena went back to not worrying about body pains again. 

Because a different kind of pain is trying to make itself known. 

A gaping hole in her heart that is entirely unrelated to the biological consequences of being separated from your soul mate. 

She was falling in love. 

She was falling in love and she wasn’t prepared for how it would hurt to have Kara not love her back. She can endure the physical pain, there are pills for that. 

But there wasn’t any type of medication to see your other half everyday and not have them see you as theirs. 

When Lex told her Kara’s secret. Something broke inside of her. Which was saying something, considering she was getting her heart broken every single day that Kara wouldn’t look her way. 

But to know how stupid she’s been? To realize that the flutter of her heart whenever Supergirl was near was her brain telling her it was Kara? 

There was no word for that. 

“I think, I kept rejecting the idea of Supergirl being Kara you know?” Lena huffs out, laughs drily, “Imagine how fucking painful it would be, Alex, if Supergirl was my soul mate. This person who didn’t trust me wholly, who lies behind my back, imagine if she was my soul mate? It would have felt humiliating. My body knew better, though,” she admitted sadly. 

“When Lex told me, all the little painful outbursts every time Supergirl flew away? It made sense. Everything made sense, but at the same time? Everything hurt too.”

She tried hurting her back. Created Hope. Experimented with Q-waves. Foolishly used Myriad. Teamed up with Lex.

But even through all of those? The separation pain never knocked her out. 

Even when they were fighting, Kara was still always around. Even when the world—the fucking multiverse got reset. The pain wasn’t enough to knock her out. Not like today. 

Because Kara was always lingering around convincing her not to join Lex, crossing paths in CatCo, flying into her home even if it was to call her a villain. 

All of those interactions were still sustenance for Lena. 

But this? This separation? This knowledge that Kara was somewhere out there, unreachable. That she could be lightyears away in space and it has been two weeks since Lena had last saw her, it has her every molecule shouting to go find Kara. 

“It’s never been like this before,” Lena confesses, “I thought I could do it without-”

“Help?” Alex supplies and Lena finally turns to her and she feels a hand squeeze her. 

“Yeah.” She mutters back softly. 

“Well, that’s where you’re wrong, Luthor. You’re part of the team now whether you like it or not. We are going to help you, we’re going to find a temporary solution for that pain and then we’ll get back to work and we’ll find Kara.”

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT  Vol.5 Sakamaki Kanato [TRACK 2]

Original title: すれ違う心

Source: Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 5 Sakamaki Kanato

Audio: Here (Huge thank you to @filthyhelplessworld​ for providing the audio!)

Seiyuu: Kaji Yuki

Translator’s note: The MC’s health is obviously getting worse and I really fear for her with a boyfriend whose best solution is to completely disregard her concerns and lock her up in the underground dungeon. I’m still betting that all of this karma will come and bite Kanato in the ass though. I’m just waiting for the angsty stuff to kick in because he needs a taste of reality.

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 + Epilogue

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 2: Hearts Growing Apart

You are in the kitchen making sweets.

*Thud*

*Ping ping*

Kanato enters the kitchen.

“Hm...I have no complaints about the scent. Is this the sponge for the cake?”

You nod.

“Your hands have stopped moving. Please continue.”

You continue beating the egg whites in a bowl.

[00:24] “Fufu...Cut the cookies into bear shapes, okay? I want two kinds, both chewy and crispy. I grow tired if there’s no variety in the texture after all. ...Ah, I’d like my pudding on the firmer side with bittersweet caramel sauce on top, okay? I’m especially picky when it comes to chocolate. The cacaー”

Your movements stop again as you grow dizzy.

“...? What’s wrong? Now’s not the time to rest. I want to eat these soon so stop dawdlーー”

You nearly collapse, knocking over the bowl with cream in the process.

*THUD*

[00:56] “...! Ah!! The cream…!!”

*Rustle*

“Tsk...It turned out so well too...This all happened because you were spacing out…!”

You explain.

[01:13] “Hah…! You’re at it again with the sick act? Whenever things don’t go your way, you always blame it on feeling unwell! I bet you’re feeling faint because you let one of the other guys suck your blood, am I wrong!? Was it...Reiji again, perhaps? Even though you promised you would stay away from him!”

“SHUT UP!!”

*Thud*

[01:39] “I thought you were actually being a good girl and making the sweets I asked for but in the end, this is what I get! After you promised me several times too...Honestly...I’m so through with you!!”

*Rustle rustle*

“Haah…”

Kanato starts dragging you along.

“You want to know where we’re going? Oh no, you’re not going anywhere from here on out.”

*TIMESKIP*

*Cling cling*

*Rustle*

[02:23] “No, I won’t stop. Someone like you deserves no better than to be locked up inside the underground dungeon like this.”

You protest.

“Haah...You only have yourself to blame. For breaking our promise and letting someone else suck your blood.”

You deny it.

“SHUT UP! How many times are you going to lie to me? PLEASE DON’T MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME BY ASSUMING I’D BELIEVE YOUR WORDS OF DENIAL!”

You beg.

[02:58] “...If you want me to listen to the whole story, then promise me you will never tell a lie again.”

You promise.

“Haah...Okay then. I suppose I wouldn’t mind listening a little.”

You start explaining.

“...Your health actually has been in poor condition, you say? You sure are insistent about that part.”

You continue talking.

[03:28] “So? ‘At this rate you will ーー’ What? You’re not going to tell me you’ll die, right?” 

You remain quiet.

“Kuh. CUT IT OUーー”

You nod.

“Huh? ...Say, did you...perhaps nod just now? Do you truly believe you will die if things continue down this path?”

You nod again.

“That...doesn’t make sense.”

You tell him it’s the truth.

[04:14] “You’re just joking when you say you might not have much time left, right?”

You shake your head.

“You want me to mentally prepare myself for the worst…? Ridiculous...I mean, there’s just no way you would die, right!?”

You try to make him face reality.

“SHUT UP!!”

You speak up again.

“SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! YOU JUST CAN’T DIE!! ...Stay here until I give you permission to leave!”

Kanato stomps away.

“Kuh…!”

*Thud*

*TIMESKIP*

[04:59] “Nn...Here. You should try one of the cookies as well. You haven’t been eating at all this whole time, have you?”

You politely refuse.

“Even if you’re lacking an appetite, you should be able to at least eat the things I bring you, no?”

You hesitantly grab a cookie.

[05:26] “Mmh. Better. Umー Where were we again…? Ah, right! I remember now! Honestly, I was so surprised to find out there was another human out there who has blood as sweet as yours! Well, I just so happened to cross paths with her on my way home from school, of course. ...You probably shouldn’t give yourself too much credit for having special blood. If you continue to be disobedient, you might just find yourself thrown aside by me at some pointーー Just kidding. Fufufu…”

You remain quiet.

[06:19] “Hey? Are you listening? You didn't nod off while I was talking, did you?”

You shake your head.

“Good. You’ve been quiet this whole time though. You should say something as well. Anything will do. What has been on your mind today, or what you would like to do if I were to free you from down here, for example.”

You tell him you want to see the outside world. 

[06:56] “Hmph. What will you gain from watching the scenery outside? Your eyes should only ever be on me.”

You go silent again. 

“Hah! Ridiculous! I’m here trying my best to strike up a conversation, yet you have nothing else to tell me?”

You bring up your health.

[07:24] “Aah...But I’ve heard enough about that. I’m sick and tired of hearing you say how you’ll ‘die’ or whatever…”

You try and reason with him.

“STOP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! ...Haah. We were having such a lovely chat as well, but you completely ruined it.”

Kanato gets up.

“My mood has been ruined. I will excuse myself for today.”

He leaves.

*Thud*

[08:01] ( You told me I was doing the wrong thing time after time. Trying to convince me that locking you up in that dim lit underground dungeon would only speed up the process and lead to an early death. You would even burst out into tears, worried about what would happen to me once I’m left behind. 

[08:19] Every time, I would grow upset and refuse to listen to you, covering my ears while simply turning a blind eye to everything, as I kept you imprisoned down there. Because I truly believed that if I kept at it long enough, you would eventually give in and stop saying that you were dying.

[08:42] ...I wonder why I didn’t just accept your words back then? Why didn’t I try and do something about the abnormal condition of your heart, even though I had taken notice of it? I never thought I would one day ask myself those questions over and over again. )

*TIMESKIP*

Kanato approaches you in the dungeon.

[09:10] “You seem rather out of it today. Do you have any idea how much time has passed since you were brought here?”

You shake your head.

“I suppose you don’t? ーー Or perhaps…”

*Cling*

“I guess you no longer care, do you? After all, right now the only thing which matters to you, is the person standing in front of you, right? Correct?”

You nod.

[09:50] “Fufu. You’ve become such a good girl. Well then, come here. I will let you embrace me as your reward.”

You move closer and wrap your arms around him.

*Cling cling*

[10:12] “...Haah...We will be together forever, okay? Please don’t say you’ll die ever again. ...You’re not going anywhere. You can’t even run. It’ll be just the two of us for eternity. I’m sure you feel the same way right now?”

You reluctantly nod.

[10:50] “...What was that just now? It appeared to me that you only nodded because you had no other choice. I can tell you’re hiding how you truly feel. ...Tell me loud and clear. How do you feel?”

You keep quiet. 

“Haha...Hahaha...So you really can’t let go of the possibility that you’ll die one day, no matter how many times I tell you that we’ll be together forever, can you? ...Cut it out alreaーー”

You speak up.

[11:31] “...’But’, what?”

You tell him he will be okay and can simply find another human to feed off of. 

“Did you just...tell me that I’ll be okay even if you die, because there’s plenty of replacements for you out there?”

You nod.

[11:50] “So...That’s all what matters? No way...What makes you believe you have the right to decide that on your own? Who told you to think that way!? Well...I won’t deny that I discovered someone with sweet blood in town the other day, but you’re still on a whole different level! ...ABOVE ALL!!”

*Cling*

[12:19] “Didn’t I tell you just now? That you won’t go anywhere, nor can you run away, so the two of us will be together forever…! Tsk...Yet...Kuh...Yet you have the nerve to…!! ...Honestly...I’ve had enough of this.”

You try to comfort him.

“Hah! ...Stay away from me.”

He walks away.

[12:57] “I’m sick of talking to you. Or rather, I suppose you could say that my love for you has faded.”

*Cling*

“That’s the key to those chains. From today onwards, you’re a free woman. I no longer care about you. ーー Just like you said, there’s plenty of people who can replace you out there. ...Farewell.”

Kanato leaves.

[13:38] “...Kuh!! She’ll die? Ridiculous! There’s just no way I would be left behind on my own. Yet she keeps on saying that she’ll die and to make matters worse, even has the nerve to tell me I could simply replace her! Where on earth did she get that ludicrous idea from!? ...I should just push her away for a bit. I’ll make her regret her words! Until she lets go of those ridiculous thoughts!”

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[1plus1kiyoomi]

Chapter 9: Plans

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[masterlist]

“Hey, love. I saw this Tiktok...” You sigh heavily as you hear the words come out of Kuroo’s mouth. Every time he shows you a video from that app, he follows it up with a, “let’s do it.”

“What is it this time?” Your eyebrows are furrowed, expressing your disagreement already. You’ve been peacefully relaxing on the bed and your husband really wants to destroy that peace of yours.

“So you rate my exes, and I rate yours. Out of 10,” Kuroo says and you squint your eyes at him in suspicion. There has to be something behind the sudden interest in remaking it.

“Why?” is all you can say at his request.

Kuroo shrugs, a smug look on his face. “Why not?”

He takes out his laptop and opens a social media platform. Placing his laptop on his lap, he pats the space beside him, a sign that he wants you beside him. You sit beside him and he immediately types out a name.

“This was my first girlfriend back in middle school.” He describes and clicks on one of the girl’s posts.

“She’s so pretty. Is that her kid?” You point at the child his ex is holding in picture. Kuroo nods. “So was she nice? I have to rate her through her personality.”

“She was nice. But she left me for a college student,” Kuroo explains.

“Oh, so she’s a victim?” You snicker, and Kuroo chuckles at your statement. “A 6/10. She's pretty and she looks nice. But minus points for dating a college student while she was in middle school.”

He proceeds to search for his next ex. “I know her,” you say as soon as you see the picture. “I was the one who planned her wedding a year ago. I believe she gave birth just a month ago.”

“She did. She was my upperclassman in Nekoma when we dated. I think I was in my last year of middle school and she was graduating high school,” Kuroo elaborates and you laugh. “What?”

“You’re also a victim.” With that, Kuroo starts laughing with you. It takes some time before the two of you stop giggling like kids.

“Since I know her, a 7/10. She was really polite when I was planning her wedding,” you explain while panting, recovering from your fit of laughter.

“This is the last one,” Kuroo says as he searches and you look at him in shock, not believing him.

“You only dated thrice?” You ask him and he nods proudly. “But you did have a lot of flings so still a bad boy,” you tease and Kuroo rolls his eyes. He shows you his screen and you look at the girl in the picture intently.

You glance at him and then his ex, and then him again, then back to the screen. “You’re lying.”

“About what?”

“Are you sure you dated her?” You point at woman at the screen.

“Yes. Ask all of my friends. They’re witnesses.”

“You dated a famous idol...”

“Was an idol,” he corrects you. “She’s quitting the industry because she’s pregnant.”

“I love her group’s songs. I give her a 10/10. But I still can’t believe you managed to pull someone like her. Kenma said that you weren’t famous amongst girls in high school...” you state, remembering his best friend’s words when you had dinner together just a few nights ago.

Kuroo simply shrugs, “I guess she really liked me then.” He lays his gadget on your lap, waiting for you to type in. You become nervous. How are you supposed to tell him that you’ve only dated seriously once in your life? And it’s someone he sees quite often in your workplace.

“I only dated once,” you tell him calmly, trying to conceal your shaky fingers as you type. Pressing enter, your eyes immediately look away. “You know him, right? He’s our cake maker at work.”

“How was he as a boyfriend?” Kuroo simply asks and you nod nonchalantly. “He seems like a nice guy whenever I see him at your office.”

“Really sweet. Baked me goods everyday and even brought me lunch boxes,” you reply rather confidently. “We dated back in high school.”

“9/10.” Kuroo rates with a pout. He knew he was going to get jealous, but he still dug his own grave for his. His plan being:

‘To subtly hint that he wants a baby.’

All of his exes now have children, and he is not competing with them at any means, but maybe you’ll get an idea about his baby fever if he shows you that most people at your age have children.

Now that his Plan A has failed, he’ll have to proceed to his Plan B.

Kuroo patiently waits for you at his car, ready for your first date after a long time. As he sings along with the song on the radio, he scrolls through his Instagram and sees Sakusa’s post about her daughter.

“Must be nice to have a kid,” Kuroo sighs. Seconds later, he realizes what he said and puts his phone down. “No. No. No. I can’t feel this way yet. It’s too early. But we’re already in our mid-20s so a kid won’t be weird. No... Does she even want kids? My kids?”

A knock on the car window disrupts his soliloquy. He turns his head to the glass and sees you waving outside. He quickly unlocks the door, allowing you to enter. “Hi, love. Who were you talking to?”

“I was talking to Kenma,” he reasons before he leans in to capture your lips into a greeting kiss. “How was work?”

“It was tiring. The Kitas sent an invitation by the way,” you answer as you pull away from him. “It’s for the triplets’ first birthday.”

“Should we buy their gifts today?” Kuroo asks you, starting the engine of the car. “I think we’ll find something while roaming around. What about you? You said you had to buy something.”

“Bikinis,” you say nonchalantly and don’t see Kuroo’s eyebrow raise from your response.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“I forgot to tell you. I’m going to Okinawa with my high school friends next week. You know them, right? Makki, Mattsun, Iwa, and Oikawa,” you respond and Kuroo becomes silent, not knowing how to react. He doesn’t care that you’re going with guys, but how did you forget to tell him something important?

The ride is serene. Kuroo’s hand not leaving your thigh the whole time. Your hand is on top of his, your fingers tracing the protruded veins in his arms. Landing on his ring finger, your eyes scanned the body part. You don’t have a wedding band yet. The two of you have never thought of getting a pair.

The two of you arrive at your destination so get out of the car. Kuroo takes your hand immediately, sliding both of your hands into his jacket’s pocket. You smile at the romantic gesture, something you’re yet to get used to.

“Should we buy your stuff first?” Kuroo questions, looking down at you. Nodding, you lead him to a bikini boutique.

As soon as you enter, Kuroo closes his eyes. The store you entered doesn’t only sell bikinis, but lingerie as well. He has to keep his lids shut or his imagination will go everywhere. Noticing how wary he is about the surrounding, you smirk.

You hook a finger on his collar and pull him down. “Choose anything you’d like to see me in.”

After the not so quick shopping trip at the garment store, you have noticed how fidgety Kuroo is. He wouldn’t stop squeezing your hand and giving you cheeks kisses. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just excited to see you in this,” he reasons, lifting the paper bag with sets of lingerie he has chosen. You hum, your attention going back to the racks of baby clothing in front of you.

While you’re focused on the baby items in front of you, Kuroo is panicking. In his mind, he’s about to explode. You in lingerie + his baby fever= a kink he thought he’ll never have. He’s trying so hard not to think about your mini me’s, but seeing the tiny pieces of garments is making it hard for him.

“My love, the triplets are boys. But knowing the Kitas, they wouldn’t mind dressing up their sons in that dress you’re holding,” you point and Kuroo snaps back to his senses. He looks down and sees that he is holding onto a yellow dress with ribbons and ruffles. He didn’t even know how he got the dress on his hands.

“Oh,” he chuckles awkwardly, putting the dress back on the rack. “I just thought it was cute.” You raise an eyebrow at him in confusion and he forces out a laugh. “It would look cute on Sakusa’s daughter. The two of us are kind of close.”

“Really? I always see him post about her. She would look very cute in that. Should we buy it?” Your confusion about his actions are thrown away by his reason. He sighs in relief as you look away, the dress now in his cart.

‘Our daughter would look cuter,’ Kuroo thinks and he smacks his cheek, causing you to look at him in shock. It was a rather loud and heavy smack. “Mosquito.”

His Plan B is a fail.

You’re eating lunch together the next day at your office as usual. It’s quiet before he flashes his phone screen in front of you, showing you a picture of three familiar small boys. “Look at the triplets.” You continue to eat after taking a look at the picture, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. Kuroo hums happily. “Aren’t they cute?” You only nod to his question.

“Look at Sakusa’s daughter. I met her last time and she’s such a charmer,” Kuroo narrates, letting out a giggle. The interaction replaying in his head. The interaction that caused his sudden baby fever.

It was a busy day at work since the Olympic team had to take their profile and poster pictures. Kuroo was talking to Bokuto when a child suddenly latched onto the spiker’s leg.

“My favorite teammate, you’re here!” Bokuto beamed and picked the child up. As she rested in his forearm, she looked at Kuroo in curiosity. Normally, children would get scared of him, but she wasn’t, which made Kuroo happy.

“Hi. My name’s Kuroo. What’s your name?” Kuroo asked the girl. She smiled at him before answering.

“Kia! Do you have a girlfriend?” Kia asked, taking Kuroo aback. It’s not everyday that a 4 year old would ask you about your relationship status.

“I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do have a wife,” Kuroo replied, which made the little pout.

“Since you only have a wife, I can be your girlfriend,” Kia proclaimed. Kuroo smiled at her statement. The girl suddenly made him think what his daughter would be like if he ever gets to have one.

“I’m sorry but my wife would be upset if I have a girlfriend, so I can’t be your boyfriend,” Kuroo explained to her, hoping she’ll learn something from it. You could subtly teach them about what’s right and wrong at a young age.

“Then, I’ll date your child, father-in-law,” Kia claimed which Kuroo patted her head for.

“I’ll remember your words, future daughter-in-law.”

“What are you smiling for?” You ask Kuroo and he looks up to you, his attention now on you.

‘It’s now or never. This is the perfect chance.’ Kuroo thinks, placing his chin on the palm of his hand. “I was just thinking about how cute our children would be.” You ignore his words and proceed to clean up your lunch box. As result, Kuroo frowns. He mirrors your actions, keeping quiet. Maybe it was wrong to mention it.

Your secretary knocks on your door before announcing that your client is already waiting outside. Kuroo put back the chair back to its proper place before walking over behind the table to give you a quick hug. You can feel his sadness radiating off him and you’re sure it’s from your silence.

His baby fever wasn’t unnoticed. In fact, you knew about it the moment you saw him scrolling through baby videos. He wasn’t very subtle about it, too. From showing his exes, to bringing you to the baby store, to sending you pictures of babies, to mentioning children all the time, you definitely knew about his baby fever.

But you don’t want a baby yet. You had just gotten steady recently, and having a child will wreck that steadiness for sure. You want to keep him to yourself as much as you can, and a child will take your time with each other away. Yet, you don’t know how to tell him that, because he’s determined to have one as soon as possible.

“I’m leaving now. I’ll pick you up later,” Kuroo speaks. He plants a kiss on your forehead before turning away. The way he turned his back at you, the way he frowned a little, it broke your heart. So you grab his hand and pull him back towards you. “Yes, my love?”

“Should we start trying for a child?” You look up to him with shaky eyes, and he saddens at your expression. He wraps his arms around you, your head falling onto his abdomen, while his hand pets the back of your head.

“Love, I’m not asking for a child immediately, so don’t get pressured. Just take my baby fever as a promise that I want to start a family with you and only you,” he reassures you, but you know he’s partly lying about it. Kuroo is a man who doesn’t give up until gets what he wants.

Kuroo’s Plan C has failed. He has no choice but to do his Plan D. (Will be posted soon 😉 if you know, you know.)

——————————————————————————

Facts:

Fevers turn on the body's immune system. They help the body fight infection. Normal fevers between 100° and 104° F (37.8° - 40° C) are good for sick children.

Fevers only need to be treated if they cause discomfort. Most fevers don't cause discomfort until they go above 102° or 103° F (39° or 39.5° C).

Most fevers from infection don't go above 103° or 104° F (39.5°- 40° C). They rarely go to 105° or 106° F (40.6° or 41.1° C). While these are "high" fevers, they also are harmless ones.

Fevers that don't come down to normal can be caused by viruses or bacteria. The response to fever medicines tells us nothing about the cause of the infection.

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Taglist: Still can’t tag smh T^T the app keeps crashing every time i tag more than 5 people 😭

[wonlouvre]

pairing: doctor!wonwoo x lawyer!female oc genre: modern royalty, arranged marriage, fluff and future angst word count: 2.1k WARNINGS: mentions of food, eating, hospitals, and brief mention of armed men

author’s note: finallyyy! been working on this for the past week and i’m relieved to be posting part 3 already! i’m not so confident about this and i am already warning you all that this could be dialogue heavy :((( please let me know your thoughts! i’d be really thankful to hear from you all!

three: subtle snuggles and light snores | masterlist

Wonwoo chose to work at the Royal Hospital of the neighboring kingdom at his own will.  He and the rest of the people in his kingdom won’t deny how the other kingdom pioneered in the line of medicine.That’s why in spite of the many offers and opportunities at his homeland, he wanted to gain experience somewhere else first before going back home. 

The marriage wasn’t served on the table before and when his parents broke the news to him, he was already hired and working for a few months. And now that a marriage is in talks, it seems unlikely that he’ll be going back anytime soon.

Wonwoo didn’t hesitate to agree. But someplace in his heart couldn’t help but wonder how it got to this. He’s not saying you’re terrible. You’re the exact opposite of being terrible. To him, you are amazing and awesome. A badass even. 

There’s nothing really holding him back. Even his past relationship that you brought up previously. 

It’s just that he wanted a purpose out of this union aside from the fact that this will bear the best outcome for his and your kingdom. 

Wonwoo was once in love. 

He knows, used to know rather, how his heart skipped a beat and how butterflies filled his stomach. But then came you and he is back to zero. He wants to like you. He wants to love you. 

He doesn’t want to be a husband recognized by the public. Instead, he wants to be the lifetime companion that you can lean on and trust. He hopes that you see that he’s trying to be one. 

It’s a challenge though, because he doesn’t know how or where to begin.

These thoughts have been running on his mind for the longest of days and even now as he gazes at your face, deep in slumber. What happened earlier was a shock. All he wanted was to invite you for a quick lunch before he goes to work and here you are now literally at his workplace, getting the right amount of rest you’ve been missing. 

“Your Highness,” the Royal Family’s doctor calls to him politely while the two nurses accompanying him check on you. Wonwoo only gives a brief nod of acknowledgement. “I advise the Princess to stay overnight to recover from her dehydration and stress. A day away from work would be immensely helpful.”

Wonwoo’s eyes don't leave you as he continues to nod and agree with the doctor’s orders. It doesn’t look like it, but he is paying attention to every word the older one is saying. He bites his lip, beating himself up for not knowing what could be causing you stress. 

“If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to page us,” the doctor assures and Wonwoo finally turns his attention to him. 

“Thank you so much.” He extends his arm for a handshake before letting them leave.

Wonwoo sighs before taking the seat beside your bed again. As much as he wants to go closer and maybe opt to hold your hand, he doesn’t. He just keeps his eyes on you. Your face looks so peaceful while sleeping, a small smile can’t help but form on the Prince’s face. It’s a relief that it’s nothing bad. But still, he can’t feel at ease until he sees your eyes once again. He decided to take a leave from work and stay beside you until you wake up and get discharged.

He has already informed the King and Queen of what happened and they will be here shortly. 

“Wonwoo, my dear,” the Queen greets while opening her arms to the young doctor for a quick embrace. “How are you?”

The King walked past the warm exchange, not wasting any time to be close to your bed. “How is she?”

“Your Majesty,” Wonwoo doesn’t fail to say his greetings first before going on full doctor mode. “The Princess is stable. She just needs to replenish her energy by having lots of rest and she’ll be discharged as early as tomorrow morning. Would you like me to call the doctor in charge?”

“No, no,” the Queen answers, now sitting with her husband who’s been gently cradling your cheek. “We’ll go to him ourselves. I’m just glad you are here for her Wonwoo.”

“Ever the hard worker, she is,” your father mutters a harmless complaint. “I will give her a scolding once she wakes up. Scratch that, I am going to have the Prince do that in my place. He’s the doctor after all.” Finally, the King looks at him, a glint of humor in his eyes.

Wonwoo blushes and keeps his head low. He scratches the back of his neck before firmly promising, “I will take care of her better next time, Your Majesty.”

“Nonsense,” the Queen dismisses his apologetic tone with a wave of her hand. “Everyone gets sick every day and it just so happened that it’s our Princess this time around.”

An hour after the King and Queen left, Wonwoo’s eyes grew heavy. Unbeknownst to him, his head gravitated to your bed and close to your arm. He tried to keep his eyes open, still determined on waiting until you wake up, but his determination was futile because it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep beside you. 

His face was the first thing you saw the moment you regained consciousness. The top of his head was snuggled to your arm, surprising you. At first, you couldn’t figure out what was going on. But the remembrance of the three cups of coffee you had was enough to answer the questions running in your mind. Then, the embarrassment came too soon because you also remember the look on Wonwoo’s face when he saw your agony.

You’re still not feeling well. You should probably get more sleep instead of resenting your embarrassment. You release a low groan, momentarily forgetting the sleeping Prince beside you. 

Wonwoo stirs a little before opening slowly his eyes and meeting yours. He sits up in a heartbeat and blinks his sleep away to make sure you are really awake.

After confirming, he releases the breath he had been holding. “Hey there.”

“Hi,” you whisper, completely bashful. “How long was I asleep?”

“It’s eight o’clock now,” he answers while looking at his watch. “You were asleep for the whole afternoon so approximately eight to nine hours.”

“Wow,” you mutter in sincere disbelief. “I haven’t slept that long since I started working.” 

“That’s why you’re going to sleep more.” Wonwoo stands up and fixes the blanket that’s keeping your body warm.

You frown and weakly stop his actions. “What do you mean? Am I not allowed to go home tonight?”

“Nope,” he answers and pushes your hand back down. “You’re staying overnight and that’s your doctor’s advice.”

“I don’t want to lay on this bed for 24 hours,” you whine, lips in a pout. “Can’t you give me clearance instead?”

“I’m not the doctor in charge and I am more than sure that you know that,” the Prince reminds and gently pat your head. “Go back to sleep and once morning comes, you’ll be good to go.”

Seeing that he has made a point, you give up and let your body relax on the bed in spite of your reluctance. You are smart enough to know that you can’t outsmart a doctor like him. 

Wonwoo grins in victory and makes himself comfortable on the chair. He then pulls his phone out to make a quick check on some emails and updates at the emergency room. 

That got you confused. Why is he still here? You blink suddenly realizing how he had stayed with you ever since you got admitted. You were embarrassed earlier but now you are sorry. 

“Are you not… leaving?” You ask. “I can manage alone. All I need to do is sleep this away, right?”

“Sleep Y/N,” Wonwoo commands while his eyes and hands remain focused on his phone, dodging your question. 

At the sound of your name, you roll your eyes and turn to the other side of the bed with a huff. As the days go by, you have noticed that Wonwoo can be mischievous and whenever he becomes one, it makes your cheeks blush red and heat up like wildfire. 

Wonwoo just snorts at your annoyance. He puts his phone back in his pocket and puts his attention at the back of your head as your breathing slowly even out, much needed sleep once again taking over your body. 

Wonwoo didn’t want to leave you when morning came and Jeongyeon arrived with your new set of clothes and warm meal. But he knew he had to go back to work and fulfill his sworn duty in spite of the validity of his excuse that his fiancee is sick. Other than that, but most importantly, he just wanted to see your eyes again first thing in the morning and he’d be content. 

You seemed to be exhausted still because he could hear your light snores even when the sunlight through your room was enough to indicate how late it is already in the morning. But time is ticking and he is needed at the emergency ward. So, disregarding his qualms, he took the paper bag of clothing from his friend and colleague, Soonyoung, and changed. 

Afterwards, Wonwoo picks up a thermometer and checks your temperature one last time to make sure that you don’t have any fever. All the while, oblivious to the knowing grin of your assistant.

“Please call me when she wakes up. I’d like to see her before she gets discharged,” he requests, hands busy fixing your blanket for the ninth time. 

Jeongyeon smiles, aware that there’s nothing left to fix on your bed anymore, before answering. “Will do, Your Highness.”

Finally, the Prince takes his leave but not after giving one last glance to the sleeping Princess.

Jeongyeon immediately fed you the moment you woke up. She didn’t take no for an answer, reminding you that it’s her responsibility to take care of you and that her failure to do so is equivalent to having her head beheaded (it’s not enacted anymore). 

At this point she’s now nagging you and it just falls deaf to your ears because you are indeed starving after all the sleeping. You ate every food she brought from the warm soup to the last grain of rice so fast, you looked like you were inhaling them instead of chewing properly. That made Jeongyeon scold you again reminding you that you’re about to be discharged from the hospital and she can’t have you admitted again because of indigestion this time around. 

“I am glad that you’re eating well, Your Highness,” the Royal Doctor gladly says. He’s now here to run one last check up before giving you the clearance you’ve been begging Wonwoo for last night. 

Wonwoo, you suddenly remembered. Where is he?

“Your Highness?”

“Oh yes,” you reply, waking up from your daze. “Sorry, I think I ate way too much. Please go on.”

The Royal Doctor checked your chart, frequently updated by the nurses on duty all throughout your stay. He then sits on the chair once used by the Prince to ask a few questions to make sure he’s not missing on anything. Your head still feels heavy but it’s nothing you can’t handle. He assures you that you are fine and gives you the reminders that he usually does with cases like yours. 

“That’s it.” He clasps his hands together and stands up. “You are more than free to go. Please come back next month for a check up.”

“Yes, I will,” you say and reach for his hand to shake it. “Thank you very mu-”

You couldn’t even thank your doctor properly when someone suddenly barges in through your door with a bang. You recognized him right away as head of your security detail. 

“I apologize, Your Highness,” he says, eyes on the floor. Soon, more men follow behind him. “But we have to leave the hospital and move you somewhere safer right this instant.”

Jeongyeon already knows what to do, moving quickly to help you sit up. Meanwhile, the doctor grabs the wheelchair from the small storage room and helps keep your IV stay in place as you move from the bed.

Once you’re all secured, everyone dashed out of the room.

“What the hell is going on?” You demand answers from the men surrounding you and Jeongyeon, who’s pushing the chair to the private elevator.

“There has been a commotion caused by armed men at the Emergency Room,” the head reports and upon hearing where he is talking about, your heart drops to your stomach. “The hospital’s security has it under control but we won’t be taking any chances on letting you stay here any longer, Your Highness.”

“Stop.”

Wonwoo.

[deanstead]

For You

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Requested by anon: could you do one where reader is not interested in jay cause she thinks he's one who has a new girl every night but he’s constantly trying? She’ll slowly fell for him too? maybe with a little smut if you write?

Warnings: none, a lil fluff!

A/N: First one for 2021~ Happy New Year! This became a little longer and it feels a bit segmented because of the nature of the request, so I hope this turned out okay! Sorry, I’m not writing smut/NSFW currently so I replaced it with a lil fluff instead, hope that is okay! Enjoy, and feel free to send in more requests! 

---

Jay pushed the beer towards you as he slid into the seat opposite you, a small smile gracing his lips. “Y/N, how about it?”

You looked up at him, internally rolling your eyes. “I told you, Jay, no.”

Jay didn’t seem like he was giving up easily though. “It’s just a dinner, come on.”

Your eyes studied the man sitting across from you at a table in Molly’s. “Jay, you’re asking me on a date.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Jay asked, a hint of mischievousness hidden in the tone of his voice that was almost drowned out by the noise in Molly’s.

You shook your head, although you were still smiling. “I told you, Jay, I’m not going on a date with you.”

Jay remained silent, watching you, as if waiting for you to say more.

“I’m not going to be another one of your conquests.”

The words bounced between you and Jay and for a moment and you could have sworn you saw his face fall for just an instant. “Y/N.”

You shook your head and smiled. “No, Jay. We can hang out here, but there is no way I’m going on a date with you. I’ll see you around, okay?” You pushed off your chair, waving at him as you went to re-join your friends at the next table.

Jay watched you for a little while more, as you leaned on the table, laughing at something, the dim light of Molly’s bouncing off your hair.

“You’re not a conquest.” Jay muttered to himself, before he got up and went back to the bar to join his brother.

---

In a way, you were glad that Jay had seemed to revert back to his old self... mostly. You felt you were seeing him more and more often these days but he hadn’t tried to bring up the topic of a date again.

You treasured him as a friend and really didn’t want that to change. Jay was sweet and looked out for you, but you’d be damned if you let him treat you like another one of those girls he flirted with and probably slept with every other night.

No way in hell.

So you never let it get too far, you drew a line between yourself and Jay and made sure you guys stayed as friends, not just for him but for yourself too. You might as well have a sign flashing at him that read “Not Interested”.

Yet, you allowed yourself to be dragged out here, you mused, as you looked up at Will and Natalie. Stupid Natalie.

You couldn’t believe you had let her talk you into coming for dinner with her and Will… and Jay. This smelled suspiciously like a scheme of a double date but you swallowed back a sassy comment.

“We’ll take two steaks, both medium.” You were snapped out of your thoughts by Will talking to the waiter.

Jay looked at you and you leaned over quietly to point out your order to him – a double cheeseburger.

The waiter turned to Jay as he finished taking down Will’s order. “I’ll have the beef burger. She’ll have the double cheeseburger, can you make sure there are no tomatoes in there.” Your head snapped up, surprised Jay had remembered.

“And there’s no other sauce in there, is there?” Jay asked, not noticing your reaction at all.

The waiter nodded. “Just the barbeque sauce, sir.”

Jay nodded back at him, as he handed the menu back. “That’s fine. Make sure there’s no mayonnaise on the plate, and can we have the salad dressing separate as well, thanks.”

The waiter nodded, jotting down the orders, while you continued to stare at Jay.

“What?” Jay asked, finally feeling your gaze on him.

You raised an eyebrow. “You remembered?”

Jay just smiled back without saying anything as Will smirked across the table.

You had mentioned it just once – tomatoes were a no-go and mayonnaise even more so. You hadn’t even mentioned the salad dressing, you had just wrinkled your nose at how your fries were all soaked in it.

Jay was indeed something.

---

“Heya.” Natalie slid into the bar stool next to you. “Sorry I’m late, I got held up today.”

You smiled back at your friend, taking the last swig from your beer and flashing a smile at Herrmann to ask for another.

As Herrmann pushed the new pint of beer towards you, Natalie cleared her throat. “So…”

You inwardly groaned. You should have known this was coming.

“You’re really not going to give Jay a chance?” she asked, angling her body towards me.

“Nat, come on!” You whined. “Is this why you wanted to meet me?”

Natalie chuckled. “Well, about 50%...”

You shook your head. “No, I’ll tell you the same thing I told him weeks ago. I’m not going to be another one of his conquests.” Natalie tried to argue but you continued. “How awkward is that going to be? I mean, look, he’s not some random guy I met in a bar, he’s my friend and I’m not going to… no way am I going to be another one of those girls.”

As you finished your sentence, you nodded your head further down the bar, where Jay sat. Natalie looked up just as a girl slid towards Jay. Even from this distance, you could see her batting her fake eyelashes at him and a small laugh escaped your lips.

“No way.” You repeated, enunciating each word pointedly.

Natalie didn’t say anything but instead tapped your arm. “Wait, just watch.” It was almost as if she knew what was coming, and was just waiting for it.

You and Natalie watched as the girl twirled her finger in her hair, moving closer to Jay. “Why are we watching Jay like this, Nat?”

“Because.” Nat replied, without turning. “You’ll see.”

Jay smiled at the girl and slid off his seat. “I could have told you that would happen.” You commented before Natalie cleared her throat again.

You looked back up, your eyes widening slightly in surprise as you watched Jay nod politely to the girl before heading further into Molly’s, leaving the girl with a disappointed look on her face. Natalie turned back, smirking at me.

“I swear, Jay’s trying. That’s probably the tenth girl he’s let down since.”

You cocked an eyebrow at her as you saw Jay’s eyes fall on both of you.

“Hey ladies, didn’t see you here.” Jay smiled, his eyes lingering on you a little longer. You cleared your throat and turned back to the bar as Jay slid into the seat next to you.

“Not your cup of tea?” You asked, smirking at him. Jay laughed and shot back, “You would know.”

You rolled your eyes as Natalie put a hand on your arm. “I’ll be back in a while.”

“Wait, Nat…” You tried to stop her but she was already gone.

You turned back to Jay who was still smiling. “So… do I get points for trying?”

“Yeah, nice try.” You responded as he laughed.

“I’ll get out of your hair, but this isn’t over.” Jay warned mockingly, pointing at you, his green eyes twinkling.

“Bye Jay.” You sang, as he floated off to his colleagues.

Your thoughts wandered back to the scene you had witnessed while you were waiting for Natalie to come back. That was new, seeing Jay blow off a girl that he would usually disappear out of the bar with. You couldn’t help but admit to yourself that he seemed to be changing. Or at least, trying to.

You shook your head, hoping the thoughts would be shaken out as well.

Jay looked back at you as he stood next to Kevin, smiling slightly at the way you were shaking your head. The faint sounds of his team’s conversation around him. He sure as hell wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

He might have the occasional fling here and there, but contrary to what everyone thought, he didn’t fall into bed with every single girl that flirted with him. Some nights, he merely walked them out to get a cab. But if he needed to prove to you that he was done with flings, and that he was serious about you, then that was what he was going to do.

---

You inwardly groaned as you trailed behind your colleagues. Being the only female engineer in your company sounded great but was definitely not. You could handle the regular snide comments and sexist jokes, but you hated the ‘team drinks’.

They could only be called that if your colleagues actually behaved like a team. They just used this opportunity to get drinks, force you to have more drinks than necessary and have their hands linger on you for longer than was comfortable. It never got too far but that didn’t mean it was okay.

You sighed as they pushed open the door to Molly’s and led the way in. It hadn’t even been a good day, you were tired and cranky, and you just wanted the day to end.

You spotted Jay as you followed them in. He smiled and waved but you made a face and rolled your eyes at them, which caused him to cast a concerned glance at the group before you nodded at him, turning to reluctantly follow them to an empty table.

Before long, the table was full of drinks. Ben the sleaze had brushed his hand against your thigh at least three times and you weren’t even halfway through your first beer.

As your colleagues started to get more alcohol through their system, the comments began. You tried to tune them out, staring at a spot on the wall before turning to watch Herrmann and Stella behind the bar.

“Hey Y/N, how about another drink for you? Something stronger?”

You smiled and shook your head. “No thanks.”

“See, with women, they don’t always mean it when they say no.” One of the guys at the other side of the table slurred.

You swallowed down the rise of anger from your gut and ignored the comment instead. They were rowdier than usual, though, so although they usually moved on quickly, they didn’t this time.

“Come on Y/N, we know you don’t really mean it. Just one more drink.”

You shook your head again, more firmly this time. “Guys, I really don’t feel up to it tonight, alright? I’ll pass.”

That only seemed to make them more determined to get that drink in your hand.

They pushed a fresh glass of beer into your hand. You could feel someone’s hand on your shoulder and someone else was pushing your hand upwards, as if they felt you needed help guiding the glass to your lips.

“Hey, that’s enough.”

Jay.

You weren’t really feeling threatened or scared but you still felt a flood of relief when you heard his voice.

“I could hear her say no two tables away, you guys deaf?” Jay asked.

Your colleagues looked at each other. “Hey, we’re just having some fun.”

“Fun is when all parties enjoy it. You disrespect anyone else while you’re here, we’ll have something to talk about buddy, you hear me?”

Jay turned to you. “Come on, you’re done here.” Authoritatively, he grabbed your wrist, tugging you out from your seat. You didn’t complain but followed him as he led you out of Molly’s.

“Thanks Jay.” You said, as the outside air hit the both of you in the faces.

Jay turned back to you, cracking a smile. “And here I thought you might chew me out for that.”

You raised an eyebrow. “For helping me?”

Jay laughed, “For interfering, because…” he paused and put both his fingers up in the air in quotation marks. “You’re a strong independent woman.”

You laughed along with him. “There’s a fine line between helping and interfering. And you get full marks tonight for the differentiation.”

Jay smiled back, chuckling. “You okay?”

You nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine. They’re a little rowdier than usual tonight but I’m kind of used to that.”

“You should never have to get used to that.” Jay half snarled, throwing a dirty glance back at Molly’s front door.

You chuckled as Jay turned his attention back to you. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”

The short walk back to your apartment was mostly silent, but a comfortable one. You stole a glance at Jay. You didn’t really want to admit it but you definitely felt a little flutter when he had stood up for you today in Molly’s and if you were being totally honest with yourself, it wasn’t the first time you had felt it.

“Thanks Jay.” You said again, as you reached your apartment.

Jay smiled back at you. “You sure you’re okay?” You could feel Jay’s eyes hovering over you even if you weren’t looking at him.

You nodded and then shrugged. “Just a bad day, I guess.” Jay’s eyes softened.

“I’ve got a listening ear if you need one. Anytime, okay?”

You smiled, “Thanks for being a knight tonight. And you didn’t even flirt.”

Jay chuckled, “Do I get extra marks for that?”

You wiggled your eyebrows back at him. “We’ll see.”

---

It had been a few months since that night that Jay had tried asking you on a date and absolutely nothing had gone according to your plan. You had been so sure you wouldn’t fall for him, so sure that you would stand your ground to just be friends.

But Jay had ruined it all bit by bit.

It was obvious to everyone the changes Jay had undergone the last few months. And honestly, no one would shut up about it either. Which was anything but helpful.

Natalie was talking about something and you were only half listening as you watched the door, noting with mild concern the little tug of disappointment you felt every time the door opened and it wasn’t Jay who walked in.

“Nat.” you interrupted her.

Natalie looked up at you. You took a deep breath, “I should just dive in, right?”

A look of confusion crossed her face for a brief moment before she broke into a smile.

“How long have you been thinking about this?” she asked.

You shook your head. “Too long for comfort.”

Natalie gave you a pointed look. “What are you still doing here then?”

You grabbed your bag, making a beeline for the door. As you crossed the threshold of Molly’s and stepped out onto the street, you came face to face with Jay.

“Leaving already?” he asked, a small look of disappointment crossing his face. If you hadn’t been watching him, you might have missed it altogether.

You hesitated but took a deep breath. “Actually, I was on my way to you.”

Jay smiled but looked intrigued.

“You ever going to ask me out on a date again?” The words tumbled past your lips as you unconsciously clenched your hands in your pocket. Maybe it was a good thing you had had some alcohol before talking to Jay.

You could literally see Jay’s eyes light up, his smile broadening.

“Seriously?”

You smiled. “Unless you decided you don’t want to…”

Jay didn’t let you finish your sentence as he stepped closer to you, one arm snaking around your waist and the other hand cupping your face, his thumb caressing the side of your face gently. “Not a chance.” He whispered, as he leaned forward and his lips found yours.

It was everything you had imagined and more, you could almost feel your knees buckling but Jay just pulled you in closer.

The both of you pulled away and you looked straight back into his green eyes. “Don’t make me regret this.” You whispered.

Jay chuckled, “Oh, never.” He smiled, his hand still resting on your back, his bright green eyes twinkling back at you.

[hiiraya]

you were good to me (rewrite)

masterlist

pairing: natasha romanoff  x reader

words: ~2,186

warnings: angst

requested: nope :p

a/n: this is edited but i'm sure there are still a few mistakes (all of which are my own) part 2 (two) of the didn't know what i had series! this was inspired by the song of the same title, so have a listen while you read! hope y'all are staying safe ♡

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

“What are trying to say, Nat?”

“Please give me another chance.”

“Marriage isn’t in the card for me, a family isn’t in the cards for me. I’m sorry if it is for you, but I can’t give you that.”

That's what she told you when you asked her why she said no.

It was a bullshit excuse and you both knew it, but you knew better than to ask her about it again.

You knew her well enough to know that when she had made her mind up, there was no changing it.

Now she’s standing in front of you asking you to take her back.

Natasha knows that she became defensive whenever you brought up marriage in conversation, hating the way she just watched you become more and more disheartened every time she brushed the topic off with a half-assed excuse.

She hated the way you tried so hard to hold onto what was left of your relationship and she didn't even try to do the same.

She hated that you knew her like the back of your hand - knowing when to push and when to just leave her be with her thoughts.

She wanted to hate you so much because she didn’t want to accept the fact that she pushed you away far enough that you finally had enough and left before she could do any more damage.

She'd rather blame on anyone else but herself because it kills her inside to watch you stare at her without saying anything.

-

“Marry me?”

“Y/N… I’m sorry, but I can’t marry you.”

It never gets easier remembering the discouraged look you gave her after you realised that she turned down your proposal.

It haunts her every time she looks at you - the way your eyes turned sad and your shoulders slumped over after she pulled you to your feet and told you no.

Because she remembers what happened after.

She made you go through it after all.

She made you watch Tony and Pepper get engaged and married, and again with Wanda and Vision shortly after.

Like both her and the universe was trying to rub it in your face that Natasha had flat out rejected you.

It annoyed her every time someone on the team would tease you two about how you were going to be the next couple to get hitched, always seeing the way you would look at her from the corner of her eyes before she would excuse herself to go train, or even to just hide out in her room until all talk of all things marriage related were over.

As much as she hates to admit it, but looking back on it, the more she avoided you the easier it got to ignore you and the pensive expression that always seemed to be on your face altogether.

It's easy to be a coward and hide away when you weren’t the one hurting back then huh?

The voice in her head is cruel, but it spoke the truth even when she doesn’t want to accept it.

She hurt you, simple as that. She can’t do anything now that’ll change what’s already happened.

-

Maybe you both made mistakes.

She ignored you.

You left.

Not that she could blame you though. Relationships were about experiencing life and growing with your other half, it wasn't always going to be easy, you both knew that, but in the end she only made you grow tired of the games she was playing.

-

Natasha always thought that the six years she spent with you by her side was a pretty long time.

But somehow, the year she spent without you felt a hell of a lot longer than that.

Once the realisation had sunk in that you had really left and that you were gone, really gone, along with the relationship you two had scared her.

But she's not afraid anymore to admit that she’ll have to grow old without you, still very much unwilling to entertain the thought of seeing you with someone else.

-

She swore that she convinced herself that she was over you.

After all, she’s had a year to forget.

To forget the way you laughed - always with your whole chest, always wholeheartedly, the contagious sound never failing to make Natasha smile and laugh along with you.

To forget your voice - how you always tried to be soft spoken and gentle and polite no matter who you were talking to.

To forget the comforting aura you always seemed to have - that no matter how tough things became, Natasha knew that even being by your side was enough to reassure her that things would be okay, things would get better as long as she had you by her side.

The list could go on.

She's had a year to forget the things that she never knew she could miss until she started missing them.

Natasha hates that you still have this effect on her. But she’s come to accept the fact that she had never truly felt warmth than when she was with you.

As much as she loved being in solitude (she’s lived in it for so long, it was all she knew for a long time), she never liked the feeling of being alone.

-

As much as she remembers the day you proposed to her, she remembers it just as clear, if not more, the day she told you that you two were going nowhere.

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore about this.”

“Well you don't have to worry about that," You retort. "You don’t ever have to talk to me anymore about anything, Natalia.”

If only you saw the way she ran around the compound and the facility looking for you after Clint had told her in passing that she saw you leaving with Maria, hoping that you didn't actually leave and that he was only messing with her.

But your empty room told her otherwise.

She spent hours sitting on your bed, waiting for you to walk in so she could talk to you, properly this time but you never came.

You didn't return for a long time.

-

"You told me you were done talking to me. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to make you happy, Nat, and if me leaving made you breathe a little easier and relax a little more, then I made the right choice. I didn’t want to make things any harder for you, for us, or for anyone.”

That’s what you told her.

If you only knew how wrong you were.

It was you who made her breathe a little easier; it was who you made her relax a little more; it was you made life easy when it seemed like just existing was the hardest thing in the world to do.

She’s never been so sorry in her life.

-

“Did you mean it?" She asks, when you don't answer her. "When you told Wanda that proposing was a stupid idea? Do you regret asking me to marry you?”

You’re still staring at her, and if she didn’t know you as well as she did, she would think that you were just thinking of a way to let her down easily.

But there was something you wanted to get out, and Natasha could tell that you were thinking it through, making sure that it comes out the way you wanted it to.

It gave her hope that you would say that you didn’t.

She spent a long time regretting ever saying no to you and if you told her that yes, you did regret asking her, then she would just accept the fact that she lost you for good.

“I already told you I wasn’t going to push you into something you didn’t want, Nat.”

It’s not the response she was expecting, but it’s better than hearing ‘yes, I regret it’. So, she tries again to get a definitive answer from you.

“But do you regret it?”

You sigh and she watches as you look away for a second before your E/C eyes met hers. She inhales sharply, heart beating loudly in anticipation when you open your mouth.

“Despite what happened, no. I don’t regret it.”

She feels her body relax for a second, but she goes back on edge when you start to speak again.

“I don’t regret asking you, because then at least I can say that I tried. But it was stupid of me to just assume that you would say yes because of how long we'd been together.”

It’s like you just took a pair of scissors and severed the last heartstrings she had, every word you spoke more heart-breaking than the last.

If this is what heartbreak felt like, how did you feel when she broke your heart over and over again back then? Because if this is what it felt like then she would gladly spend the rest of her life making it up to you.

“You’re not stupid for wanting things, Y/N/N.”

You gave her an indifferent shrug, like you thought that what you wanted wasn’t important anymore.

“It’s in the past now.” You murmur.

She could tell that it still hurt you to talk about, despite trying to look so nonchalant while you were talking to her. Pain still flickered in your eyes now every now and again while you looked at her. Not to mention that you bit your lip when you weren’t talking, something Natasha knew you only did when you were having troubling thoughts.  

“Do you still want that?" She questions aloud. "With me?”

The million dollar question.

She knows that you would’ve laughed back then and teased her at how serious the two of you were being. Instead you’re looking at her with such intensity that Natasha’s trying to ignore the spark of hope starting to build inside.

“I do.”

This probably wasn’t the time and place where you wanted to say those words, but little did you know that your words just filled the her with such relief, Natasha felt like she could breathe properly for the first time in a year.  

You still wanted a future with her, something she was so sure you wouldn’t want after everything that’s happened.

“Do you think we’ll ever get back to where we were before?”

“I don’t know, but I hope so?” You tell her, with a tilt of your head. “Whatever you're willing to give, Nat, I'll gladly take.”

“Really?”

You surprise her when you suddenly step forward and take her hands in your own, squeezing them gently to get her full attention (not that you didn’t already have it).

“I love you, Nat, I always have," You admit. "And I know that it might’ve seemed like I stopped, but how can I? I knew what I was signing myself up when let myself fall for you.”

She doesn't know when she started to cry but she couldn't bring herself to care, she can see in your eyes just how much everything's affected you too, something she didn't see before (because she knows that the hurting that she's went through definitely wasn’t one-sided).

Your eyes soften at the sight of her tears and she has to choke back a sob when you reach your hand up to gingerly wipe the tears from her cheeks with your thumb.

You always told her you hated it when she cried and made it your personal mission to make sure that every day you were with her, she would never have to shed a tear.

“I love you on purpose and I love you by choice, wholeheartedly and intentionally. I love you.”

She didn’t know she could cry anymore, but seeing the tears welling up in your eyes is enough to bring a new onslaught of fresh tears.

Why did I ever let you leave, Y/N?

“I missed you.” It’s the first thing she can say after she regains her senses enough to remember that she has to actually open her mouth and respond so you know that she feels the same. “And I love you. I love you so much.”

The smile you give her makes her smile right back even though she’s well aware that she looks like a mess right now. She couldn’t care less when you're give her that smile.

The one you only reserved for her, the one that went away all those months ago Natasha almost forgot what it looked like. Your smile that was so wide it reached your eyes,  turning them into crescent shapes that Natasha often compared it to the moon.

Your smile so warm, Natasha almost couldn’t believe she risked living a life in the cold without it.

She wraps her arms around your waist, shuffling closer to you until she was enveloped in your arms. One look in your eyes and she knew that this was where she was always meant to be.

I swear, I’m different than before, Y/N. I’ll never hurt you like that again.

———

tags:

@fayhar @genesisnievesr

[cherryblossomtease]

Chapter 5

18+ only

warnings and summary - Masterlist

You’re on edge. This is a new form of delicious torture that has you squirming in the car as you’re driven through the packed streets of Manhattan. It’s the anticipation, wondering if he’ll do it or not that keeps you unable to relax.

Zemo keeps glancing at you from the corner of his eye and you hate that he’s amused, but also so turned on you’re practically pleading with him to push that damn button just to release the tension in your body.

He’s got this down to a science though. With you in these underwear you’re more submissive to him. They make you feel small and defenseless against his control. They, are perfect.

When he notices that you keep looking over to see if his hands are in his pockets (one of the two houses the remote) he smiles and raises them, palms up. He calls you what you think might be something like sweetheart in Sokiovian and uses those same hands to gently cradle your face. Slipping his fingers around to your hair he pulls you close, kissing your forehead and the tip of your nose.

When he kisses your lips, your shoulders relax and you let a happy moan escape as he pulls you in.

You’re so lost in the comfort of the Baron and the freedom that comes with knowing he won’t start your crotch buzzing, that you don’t notice you’ve been driven into a tunneled drop off.

“We’re here sir” Oeznik says.

Zemo pinches your chin between his thumb and finger giving you a genuine smile before getting out of the car. You slide over only to be stopped by his hand reaching in for yours, so you let him help you out and unexpectedly into his arms.

“Say you trust me.” He says ignoring the people who walk through the cut. They are looking at the two of you so you quickly turn away, embarrassed. Of course they don't know what’s going on, but you do, and thats what matters. He says your name to get your attention.

Trying not to act like a wide eyed virgin you look up at him, but it’s hard. This is still very new territory for you and you’re the one wearing the black nylon that could have you falling to the ground with an orgasm. But him and those eyes win you over every time.

“I trust you.” You say in his arms.

“Good.” He takes your hand, leading you to the doors.

So shopping, as it turns out, is private access to a designer show room on fifth avenue and you’re speechless. The second you step over the threshold of the secret entrance, you feel like you’re floating through a minimalist’s high gloss dream that you refuse to wake up from.

The woman who greets you at the second set of doors looks like she models in her spare time and casually leads you past the retail entrance to the elevators.

On the sixteenth floor you step out and directly into a working show room.

You’re in over your head but love the energy.

It’s a whirlwind of fast talk and negotiations over what parts of you should be emphasized more than the others. Your opinion is treated like a cute idea but when he winks at you, it’s hard to be annoyed.

Zemo and the woman who takes your measurements finally step away to speak alone and you wander, drawn to the dresses spaced out on the single rack along the brick wall when you overhear him.

“Yes, the short one from the collection from two years ago. Never doubt the classic’s Maureen.”

The woman laughs, he’s flirting with her and she’s eating it up like cake, but it’s kind of cute. She’s a crass, talkative boss who knows her shit. Honestly, she’s just his type, but not at the moment.

Zemo looks over and gives you a reassuring smile. It’s Saturday. You still belong to each other.

“It’s going to take me a few minutes to go back through the archives. But I think I can help you” She says sounding confident.

“Wonderful.” He says with his charm turned up to eleven. His hand is on her shoulder as he subtly walks the woman towards the elevator. “I’ll help her out of this dress, while you look for the other. We’ll manage on our own.”

She is all polite gratitude and leaves for the floor of archived dresses most people can only see in a magazine.

With her gone, Zemo is true to his word, and undoes the zipper of the skin tight red dress you have on before going to sit on the chair across from the fitting room in the corner. “Leave it.” He says when you reach to slide the heavy privacy curtain over.

Your eyes flick up and meet his. He’s serious. You bow your head and step back.

One sleeve at a time, you pull the dress off and let it fall to the floor in a pile of silk money.

Zemo looks at you standing there in nothing but the underwear like the priceless pieces of art in his apartment. You do like to be seen, but when his hand slips into the pocket of his coat, you give a sharp inhale retreating back into the little room as if you can hide from him.

“Oh not here!” You whisper loudly. “She’ll be back soon! And the others! What about that woman who brought us up here!”

He’s just looking at you.

“Zemo…”

He doesn’t pull it out of his pocket, but he does indeed push that button.

You land on the hard bench of the fitting room, gripping the ledge, your knees together, your chest rising and falling with deep breaths.

It’s impossible not to moan but you try very hard. You bite your lip and hold your breath as you tuck your chin to your chest, your shoulders raise up and you shake your head no as you try to resist the exquisite pulsing. But it only intensifies as the sound of people scattered around the large loft threatens to expose your dirty secret.

Your eyes must be pleading because Zemo takes pity on you and releases the remote, letting you catch your breath.

Your chest is heaving as he gets up and comes close. With your lips sucked in and your brows knitted with the blissful misery of being vibrated towards an orgasm you look up at him.

From his other pocket he pulls a glove. He wears them often, but not today. “Open” He says and you relax your mouth, your eyes rolling shut as he presses the long edge of the leather between your teeth and against the corners of your mouth. “Bite down on that and keep quiet.” He goes back to the chair and resumes.

It still takes effort to stay silent, but this helps.

When he commands you to open your legs, your thighs shake but you do it. Letting your knees part so he can see and imagine what’s happening — your clit pressing mercilessly against the vibrator and how wet you are— fuck you can feel it pooling against the soft fabric, and you flex, craving him inside you. 'This belongs to you' you think looking into to his eyes until you can’t and shut your own. Your breast are bouncing with every shuddering breath as you bite down into the buttery soft hide and hold onto the bench until there is nothing left for you to do but give up and give in.

You curl over, your head down as the pressure mounts and you can tell he’s turned it up higher because you want to scream but you don’t, you just bite and grip and breathe until you feel the dam burst and you toss your head back, moaning as you come— you can’t help it. It’s just once but the fear of being caught mixes with the thrill of the possibility and you feel the contractions and the pleasure that comes with them as your pussy pulses again and again.

The risks, the public display of something so private and being helpless to this beautiful man make for an orgasm like you’ve never felt before.

Zemo leans forward just a bit quickly licking his lips and running his fingers through his hair. You know this because looking at him as he controls your climax makes it all the better.

When the elevator opens as the last wave rushes through you, your eyes dart over. Maureen was it? She’s back. She can’t see you and you can’t see her but you know she’s there. You can hear her steps as she struts in declaring victory for having found the dress.

Zemo has to force himself to look away from you. He drags his gaze over to Maureen and smiles. “Ahh. I knew you would” He says, hands out in welcome. The remote is secure in his pocket and the vibration has stopped.

He gets up and glances at you, choosing to come over to the fitting room first. He grabs the red dress from the floor and reaches for the curtain. “Finished?” He asks quietly.

You’re only just coming down from the peak and in no condition to reply. He looks satisfied with you, and himself for that matter and flings the curtain shut to hide you away.

You shut your eyes and take the glove from your mouth with a sigh.

He is stalling for you as you lay back on the bench, eyes wide when you hear her ask if you’re all right.

“She’s perfect.” He says, and the depth spoken in that word is not lost on you. Laying your hand over your racing heart you have a silent laugh, the sort that comes after a rush of emotions and you know there’s no hope pretending anymore…

[barzzal]

hi! would you be willing to do a part 3 to the angsty dad! mat fic? i need a happy ending 🥺

read part one and part two here. also, i listened to gone gone gone by honne while writing 💞

theo’s laughter was all that you can hear as soon as you got out of your mom’s guest room.

it was over a week since you left mat. pretty much the same amount of time you have been dodging his calls. he tried coming over your workplace a couple of times but you managed to make your assistant turn him away. you were quite amazed that he’d even put an effort but you still needed time to think things through and so, you were thankful that your mom was kind enough to tell him you and theo weren’t in her house the first time he came over.

“good morning, mommy!” theo greets you enthusiastically with his mouth still full from taking a bite off his waffles. he effortlessly earns a smile from you as you bent down to kiss the top of his head.

“no talking while you’re chewing your food, young man.” you tell him, your little boy willingly submits to what was asked of him. you kiss your mom on the cheeks who was already sipping her morning coffee across from your son on the breakfast table.

“good morning, sweetheart.” she says, greeting you with a smile.

“guess who has called me thrice so early in the morning?” your mother suggestively looks at you whilst she reads her morning paper.

you didn’t want to assume that it was who you were thinking of so you just shortly give her a shrug before grabbing the pot to transfer coffee into your work tumbler.

“if running away worked with your dad, i wouldn’t have ended up marrying him, y/n.” your mom subtly reminds you, carefully choosing the right words so the little one wouldn’t pick up on what the two of you were talking about.

theo has been asking a lot about mat since the first morning you’ve spent at your mom’s. he wasn’t really used to not seeing his dad everytime he wakes up or goes to sleep. and you know, that as a child yearning for his father, theo’s bound to realize what happened between the two of you any time soon.

“ma, dad’s different. he’s a good father.” you remind her. knowing your mom, however, you should have known that she’ll just be throwing the same rock at you.

“and so is yours. that man just needs a little nudge.” she says, giving theo a glass of water when he was done savoring his first meal for the day.

“theo, baby, could you get your school bag now? we’ll be going in a bit.” you politely ask him. your son eagerly nods as he zooms off towards the guest room where the two of you have been staying for the time being.

when theo was far enough from hearing the two most important women in his life (exactly how your son worded it last night), you sit across from your mom and took the shot of listening on what she has to say.

“you’re supposed to be partners, darling. i really don’t get why you choose to team up against each other when everyone knows you’re far better off together.”

“mom, it doesn’t work like that.” you tell her.

your mother was quick to raise a brow at what you’d just said, “tell me how it works then.”

you scratch your temple at the growing uneasiness beginning to creep up your spine under your mom’s heavy gaze.

“he’s... he’s no longer the man i married. he wasn’t like this. and i–” your mom immediately cuts you off with a scoff, “and you think you’re still the woman he married? sweetie, the reason why there’s an awful lot of failed marriages out there is because they fail to remember one salient thing about keeping one.”

you were quiet for a while. admittedly wanting to hear the rest of what your mom was going to say.

“and what is it?”

“it’s not gonna be easy.” she says, eyes darting on yours.

“it’s gonna be a mess. but you and mat? i know you’ll be able to make it work. anyway, if you really think you’re gonna end up on that road, then by all means, do it. if you can picture yourself raising theo without him, i’ll be with you every step of the way.” she stands when the doorbell rings, starting to make her way towards where your son was currently at.

“could you get that for me, sweetheart?” she says motioning towards the front door, already receding into the hallway.

you stand and head towards the door. you didn’t bother to look through the peep hole for you thought your mom was just getting her parcel.

but as soon as you opened the door, what you saw was an anxious mat, running his hands through his hair, the other fidgeting on his waist, and his back turned against you, desperately wishing to see his wife and his son.

you were stunned to see him. even though he was wearing decent clothes, you could already tell just by how deranged he looked, with heavy circles present underneath his eyes, and the fact that he looks tired, you realize that this whole thing might be taking a toll on him worse than you could even imagine.

“y/n.” a quiet whisper escapes his lips. obviously surprised you were the one to greet him by the door when he was actually hoping to talk to your mom.

“what are you doing here?” you ask him, voice dead and cold.

“y/n, please.” he pleads, contesting with himself because he didn’t want to push you further over the edge. he knew that you didn’t want to see him, and even if it kills him, knowing that his son was inside that house kills him a million times more.

“please talk to me.” you avert his gaze and shake your head no but just as you were about to close the door, your son walks out the room and sees mat at the end of the hallway.

as he meets his father’s eyes, a gleeful look was all that’s painted on his little face, “daddy!!!” he squeals, running past you and straight into mathew’s arms.

mat was already over the moon at the sight of his young man. your grip on the knob tightens as you try to keep yourself together upon the sight unravelling before you.

“daddy, where were you?” theo begins to cry, his arms almost choking mat for clinging onto him a little too tight.

mat looks at you for a moment, silently asking for your approval. when you only break off from his gaze, he takes it as a yes.

“i... i’m sorry but daddy had to sort out some things, buddy.” he says once theo’s small and tiny arms lets go of his hold.

“hey, don’t cry.” mathew hushes, wiping theo’s cheeks with the back of his hand. evidently shattered for having to see his son this way.

“are you going to leave again?” theo sniffs and innocently asks, unconciously hitting a sensitive nerve between you and mat.

mat looks at you for a moment for he didn’t know if he still has to leave nor was he still welcome to come back. he didn’t want to step in so abruptly because he knows it’ll just be all too overwhelming for you. and he couldn’t let himself cause you much pain than he already has. but he also couldn’t let theo hang by a thread just because the two of you couldn’t work things out together.

“no.” he finally says. “not anymore.”

he wishes that you caught on what he really meant. he was going to make up for all the shit you had to put up with him. you have given him a glimpse of what his life would be like without you in it. he just couldn’t stand a day without you and theo, and he knew that if he’d continue being short of the man you married, it wouldn’t take long before you finally realize that you and theo are better off without him in the picture.

you take your son’s hands away from him, reminding him that he still had a lot to go through.

“sweetie, come on, we’ll be late for school.” you say in a tone that even sounded differently in theo’s ears.

“can daddy come with us?” he asks you, shyly tugging onto your skirt.

you only give him a forced smile, ruffling his hair as you hold his hand firmly, “no, baby, he still has some things to work out.”

theo’s face drops at what you said, but even then he was quick to plaster a smile and look back at his father. “daddy, will you come to my play on saturday?” he asks, arms already clinging onto mat’s neck as fast as he broke off from your hold.

“you’re in a play?” mat’s eyes widen at the thought of seeing theo on a stage, making you roll your eyes, something that’s definitely reminded you of why you were in this situation in the first place.

theo wildly nods, making mat smile from one ear to the other. “i’ll be there.”

once theo lets go of mat’s arms, you take him by the hand and begin treading your way towards your car, leaving mat alone as he watch his life walk away from him for the second time.

𖥸

you were already running late for theo’s play and you still haven’t got a hold of mathew. it was bad enough that you actually hoped he’d try to at least make an effort but now you’ll have to put up with another disappointment when you tell your son his own father couldn’t be bothered to come for his play. 

did you honestly think he’d give a damn?

you have never walked this fast all your life. the only thing that was going on in your mind was the image of your son, alone and scared as he peek through the curtains, only to find neither of his parents present for his event. you can’t possibly do that to a three-year-old. 

but frankly, mathew can. 

“mrs. barzal!” theo’s teacher came running towards you, wearing her warm smile as usual. 

“hi. i’m sorry i’m a bit late, where is theo?” you ask her, still panting and catching for breath.

“oh, don’t worry! theo’s already at the backstage with your husband.” she says, motioning towards the wide doors.

you thought you just misheard her so you ask just to make sure, “excuse me? what do you mean—” 

“theo came in with his dad an hour ago, ma’am.” she says, the two of you making your way towards the backstage. 

once you’ve set foot in the dressing room, you see your boys too immersed as they go over theo’s lines. mat was practicing along, mouthing every line theo utters. 

“show’s in about five minutes.” theo’s teacher excuses herself and goes on to do a final check on the kid’s routine. 

as you take in the scene before you, you can’t help but stumble in your steps, overwhelmed that mat finally kept his word this time.

you clutched your purse close to your chest when theo caught a glimpse of you, enough to make mat turn his head towards where you were standing. 

“mommy! you’re late!” theo reprimands, making you laugh a little. 

you make your way towards them, crouching to meet your son at eye level, “i’m sorry.” you coo, admittedly in awe of your son’s attire and costume. you pepper theo’s cheeks with kisses as an attempt to make up for the time you’ve spent working away from him. mat quietly smiles as he watches you and theo so close, yet still so far before his eyes.

you watched mat go over theo’s lines for the last time before theo’s teacher called the kids to huddle them up to get the show started. soon, all the parents were ushered down the stage and into your respective seats. 

“hey.” mat takes your hand for a moment before following the rest of the parents exiting the backstage.

he sighs, a little uncertain and afraid of what you might tell him afterwards but he just couldn’t take another day without you or theo in his life. 

he wants you back.

he wants you home.

he wants you.

“i’ll be better.” he sincerely says, fighting the lump he’s beginning to feel in his throat upon remembering the nights he had to endure without you in his arms.

“i know.” you reply, smiling genuinely as you entwine your hand with his, this time, letting him know that you’ll never let go. 

[kashimos-hajime]

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries. 

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker​ and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky​ with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too. 

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

.

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever? 

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas! 

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

.

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

.

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

[kissme-hs]

More hearts {c.e.}

Hii lovelies! This one is based off the two songs ;more hearts than mine by Ingrid Andress and match in the rain by Alec Benjamin. I’ve been thinking about this one for a while now so here it is. Let me know what you think lol sorry if this is shit, feedback is very much appreciated :)

Pairing: Fem! Reader x Chris Evans

Warning: Angst

-----

“I can’t do this anymore”

Those words didn’t amuse you when Chris said them with a heavy heart. Teary red eyes and tumbling words as he sat on the couch where you stood near the wooden window sill staring into the oblivious of falling rain. Though it was dark outside, you enjoyed the sound of pattering rain—where your boyfriend cried his own tears of sadness.

You felt numb for few seconds. Your mind fathomed what he uttered but it took a while for your heart to figure out that it was really happening. After 3 years of being together with each other through the thick and thin, sorrows and happiness it was time you go your way and he goes his. You’d still consider kind of him to break it to you in such a fragile way, making sure first that your heart is strong enough to endure the ache of your now—ending relationship.

Finally breaking in through the barrier of strong emotions, a tear rolled down your cheek as you quickly wiped it away with your palm crossing your hands over your chest. It hurt, it hurt more than you thought it’d when the love started fading away.

You could tell he tried, so did you. Every morning you’d wake up with a heavy chest knowing you have to go through the day with the person who’s heart stopped beating for you long ago. It wasn’t that he was cheating, but sometimes there isn’t a need of other person for one to fall out of love.

The kisses he placed on your forehead which once felt warm now were completely cold. He was pushing himself to save your dying relationship, but he couldn’t do it. There were two bodies in the house but only one present–each night you’d say I love you’s and turn away from each other to fall asleep. Well aware of the truth that neither of you meant what you said anymore, you’d let silent tears hit the soft pillow until the soreness of your eyes drifts you away in deep slumber of sleep.

He on the other side felt you slipping away through his fingers. The dead look in your eyes gave him the hint that the time was up, but he pretended you’re both still strong anyway. He wasn’t willing to believe that this was the end, he didn’t want to give up on the relation he has built you through tears and smiles over the years.

But his intuitions told him it’s too late. You were long gone.

Your heart crumbled every day with the screaming memories you created in the same house where you now lived with a heavy heart. The laughter and joy were nowhere to be found, he’d work in his office everyday to keep himself busy and you’d do the same. Reading, writing, doing anything that’d keep you off from feeling the everyday growing ache in your chest.

Watching him grow distant was the worst pain you ever went through.

However.

You’ll be fine, but how will you tell your mother? Who loved Chris very much like her own son. She falls in love faster than you, and the second you introduced Chris to your family she instantly wrapped her arms around his welcoming him with a warm heart to your strong family.

Every Christmas she’d send you homemade cookies and hand knitted sweaters but ever since you brought Chris home, she made sure to send one for him. And now won’t she be heartbroken? She’s not going to have one more to knit sweater for. Your mother always told you how Chris filled the spot she always craved for having a son—and now she’d watch him go away with you.

She’d wait patiently for your arrival with Chris’s favorite meal ready every time you visit her but now, not anymore.

“You complete our family son.” She smiled when Chris took the heavy pot of stew from her hand helping her set the table while you and your sister were out with your dad grabbing a few stuff for the house.

He volunteered that he’d stay and help your mother—loving her the same he loved his own mother.

“Thanks ma” he replied placing a kiss on her forehead. His heart swelling with the adoration he developed for you and your family and how not only he loved you unconditionally but those four members you called home.

And your dad. He always checked the car tires before you both hit the road, saying he just wanted to make sure that his daughter goes hime safely—lying not caring about Chris. But everyone knew he wasn’t fooling anyone.

Your dad loved Chris. He’d always go fishing with him and talk about sports and politics. Though he was proud of having two amazing girls, he wished he had a son to go fishing with, fix house with, whom he could go golfing with. And when you brought Chris home that Friday evening, you saw him smile. Unlike the fake one he gave your other boyfriends but the one that showed you how proud he was.

“So you like whiskey or rum?”

“I’d take whiskey sir”

“Call me dad” making your head turn from the couch where you sat watching television with your mother your eyes picked tears. Never he has welcomed a man so lovingly before. You knew it was real when you father loved him as if he was his own child.

Oh how could you break your old man’s heart? He’d pour you whiskey over ice and lie that he never liked him, but deep down you know he’d miss him too. He’d miss watching football with him, arguing over politics, fixing the deck.

He’d miss caring for his son that now he lost.

Last came your younger sister. Oh how she loved embarrassing Chris and having little snickering arguments with him. She’d disagree with him just to see him getting frustrated and then would laugh about it later. But never once he minded it. He cared for you sister just like he did for his.

For her too, he completed your little family with the craving of older brother. Though you never let anyone touch her, she always wondered what it’d be like to have a protective brother. And Chris never failed to annoy her either, he loved how her face would get all scrunched up as she’d get irritated like a typical teenager that she was and would huff and puff until he brings out the present he got for her.

“So you know I told you I like this guy at school right?” She said mouth full of fruits as she sits beside Chris on a Sunday morning telling her all the ‘gossips’ she’d say. And being a 39 year old man he’d listen to her babbling nothing like but as if he was a teenager himself.

“Yeah?”

“Well he asked me out” she smiled wiggling her eyebrows at him. Chris let out a laugh before ruffling her hair.

“Funny of someone to like you”

“Hey!!”

“Just kidding, tell him if he breaks your heart, I’ll beat the shit outta him” he raised his eyebrow winking at your sister before tossing a piece of cantaloupe from her bowl and popping in his mouth.

But who will bring her chocolates like last time when she’ll go through another heartbreak as a part of growing up? Who’ll teach her how to drive a motorcycle even though she’s quite young for that? Chris could’ve, but not anymore.

Closing your eyes your, you let your tears fall—not bothering to hold them back this time. You’ve been keeping your emotions locked up from a long time, maybe now it was the time you it go. Let go of the heaviness off your chest, it’s time to breath again.

You walked over to where he sat and gave his back a gentle rub.

Lifting his head from his head he looked in your eyes. For the first time in three months he saw emotions, he saw the fear and guilt and sorrow and pain you carried along you. The eyes which once were full of colours and spark now dead and dull. He was defeated. He couldn’t save you.

Running your fingers through his hair you let out a sniff, trying your best to pass him a broken smile.

“We’ll be fine” you whispered pulling him closer, without any hesitation he wrapped his arms around his waist hiding his head in your crook. His salty tears wetting your skin but you couldn’t care less as you rested your cheek on his back letting yours damp the cotton material of his t-shirt.

Chris was a man with the biggest heart. His kindness and generosity made even the most unworthy fall in love. How could they not. He was never selfish or greedy, or even thought of himself as “I”. Being a child amongst four he was taught to carry the family out of self love, as ‘we’. And to put those he loved, above all and the rest.

He gave you the happiness of your life, he made you smile when no one could. He came in your life bringing the light of joy and enlightened your dark space in heart—which felt it could never love again with radiating warmness. He gave your family the love no one could, he loved them selflessly just like he was taught.

Though he’d miss the warm stew and a mom who always sent hand knitted sweater, those Sunday morning golf games and a dad who’d lie how he never cared about him, the glimpse of a teenager’s life and a sister who loved to snicker around laughing at his blushed face but he won’t deny he’d miss you the most of all.

The woman who taught him the meaning of true love. The woman who stood with him through the rain storms and brightest sunshine. Who never doubted his will and everyday was the encouragement of being a better man. The lady who will always hold the only place of lover in his heart as long as it beats, he doubts he’d ever be able to place his heart in other’s hand like he placed it in yours without any second thought.

And today, he didn’t only break your heart.

But his and the hearts of other three that were once his family.

If we break up I’ll be fine,

But you’ll be breaking more hearts than mine.

[blu-joons]

You Have Vitiligo ~ BTS Reaction

Jin:

You couldn’t help but smile as Jin talked you through all the items he’d bought for your holiday together, piles of hats, sun umbrellas and shades fell into a bundle. “We’ve got to make sure we keep you safe,” he kept pointing out.

Your head shook at his dramatics, “I know how to look after myself Jin, it looks like we’re going away for a month not a week.”

“We can never be too safe,” he sighed, placing one of the hats on the top of your head, “I want to make sure that you look good and feel good.”

“I’ll probably look stupid,” you chuckled, pressing an appreciative kiss to his lips, “whilst I know you mean well, maybe we should narrow down some of these bits, I’ll still be just as safe from the sun without a few bits.”

His head shook, “I’ll make room in my case for all of it if I have to.”

“We’ll need about three cases for all of this Jin, and we can’t do that,” you pointed out, cupping the side of his face.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Yoongi:

Intrigue got the best of him as he watched you apply your cream, when you told him about skin camouflage, he couldn’t help but wonder about it. “So, it really does make it less visible?” He questioned, watching on.

You stared across at him, “what exactly did you think was going to happen Yoongi? It gives it a way in the title a little bit.”

“But I didn’t think it would actually work,” he chuckled, “I thought it would be like one of those things you see on adverts that aren’t as good in real life.”

“You make no sense sometimes,” you smiled, placing the cream back down in your box, “did you never wonder why sometimes it was more obvious than other times, or were you just too polite to say?”

His shoulders shrugged, “well I had wondered a couple of times if it was different.”

“You should have just asked and I’ve of shown you, rather than all of this,” you squirmed, jabbing against his arm.

“Well now it all makes sense.”

Hoseok:

His hand grabbed over yours, pinning you down against his side as he watched you scratch against your arm, flinching as you did so. “I’m going to scream if you don’t let go,” you warned him, struggling to hold back the urge.

He refused to move, meeting your eyes, “it’s not been itchy recently, and as hard as it is, you don’t want to get in the habit again.”

“But you don’t understand,” you whimpered, trying to wriggle out of his grip, “can’t you just let me itch it this once, and I promise I won’t next time.”

“Afraid not,” he weakly smiled, knowing that he had your best interests at heart. “Let’s talk about something else and just try and distract your mind for a while, you’ll regret it if you start itching it now jagi.”

You sighed, “if you think so, why don’t you distract me then?”

“Challenge accepted,” he grinned, “how about we go and make some food, we can make a really good meal for dinner tonight.”

“Fine, let’s go then.”

Namjoon:

As you looked in the mirror and spotted yet another few grey hairs, you couldn’t help but groan, capturing Namjoon’s attention. “I look like I’m about thirty years older than what I am, it’s so unfair,” you sighed.

He frowned, walking over to see what you’d seen, “I know it’s not nice for you, but it’s just part of what you have to deal with.”

“But you have such nice hair, and you dye yours all the time, I don’t touch mine, and it’s turning grey already,” you cried out, hitting him lightly as he laughed.

“I still think you look beautiful,” he assured you, grabbing your hand so you dropped the hair back into it’s usual place, “maybe we could look into doing something about it if you’re that unhappy with a few greys.”

You stared up at him, “people are going to think I’m so old with all this.”

“No, they’re not,” he assured you, twirling you around to face him, “it shouldn’t matter what anyone else has to say anyway, should it?”

“I suppose it doesn’t, you’re right.”

Jimin:

You squirmed at the feeling of his hands running along your back and shoulders, recognising the cool feel of the sun cream once again. “You applied sunscreen less than an hour ago, why are you doing it again Jimin?” You questioned.

He glanced at you past your shoulder, “because we can never be too careful, especially on a hot day like this, you need to keep protected.”

“I’ve got twelve layers of sunscreen on me, I think I’m protected,” you frowned, but he continued anyway, “when was the last time you put some on?”

“That’s not the point,” he huffed, sitting down beside you on the bench, “I know we try not to talk about it, but you need this a lot more than I do, and if anything were to happen to you, then it would be my fault.”

Your head shook, “it would be my fault for not taking care of myself well enough.”

“But that’s my job, as your boyfriend I’m supposed to be the one to care for you, and that’s what I’m going to do,” he smiled, pecking against your cheek.

“You take the best care of me Chim.”

Taehyung:

You looked down as his eyes stared down at your hands in his, following every part of his gaze. “What are you thinking?” You questioned, making him jump, bringing his eyes up to look across at you.

He smiled weakly, “I always wonder if I can find a part that isn’t symmetrical, but every difference in colour matches perfectly.”

“That’s why it’s called symmetrical vitiligo,” you chuckled, shaking your head at him, “it’s not going to be unsymmetrical now.”

“I know that,” he blushed, squeezing your hands tightly, “but I always wondered if there was even just a slight difference, but it’s impossible to spot one. It’s quite fascinating just how well it matches up on either side, do you think?”

You thought for a moment, “I guess so, I’ve never really thought about it like that.”

“It’s like if someone cut you in half, you’d still be exactly the same person, despite your patches of lighter skin,” he pointed out.

“That is kind of weird to think about.”

Jungkook:

From the moment you found out you were pregnant, there was one thing that played constantly on your mind. “Do you think she’ll have it?” You asked Jungkook one night as he laid beside your bump on the sofa.

He looked up at you, “do I think she’ll have what?” He questioned, trying to figure out what was on your mind.

“The doctor said that there’s a chance she could be born with vitiligo, do you think I’ll pass it to her?” You continued to question him.

“Well, we have to face that there’s a chance she will,” he sighed, resting his hand against your bump, “but even if she does have it, she’ll still be our daughter, we’ll love her and most of all she’ll still be stunning like her mum.”

You smiled weakly at him, “will you blame me if she does have it?”

“Of course, I won’t,” he assured you, reaching out for your hand, “I know you’re worried, but you really have no reason to be.”

“I know, I’m just being silly.”

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Masterlist

[gffa]

ALL RIGHT THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG, BUT BEAR WITH ME.  I rewatched all of The Clone Wars recently and it was a great way to look at both the details of each episode and get a sense for the bigger arc, because I was watching them all at once, both The Wrong Jedi arc and the Protocol 66 arc, the latter of which I think is super important to the context of the former, especially because they are right next to each other in the course of the series. Here’s the thing that surprised me the most about this arc:  Ahsoka immediately didn’t trust anyone when she was framed.  She instantly went on the run instead, she never tried to contact any of the other Jedi, not the Council, not even her own Master.  She immediately ran and never put her trust in anyone else.  I don’t know that this was the narrative intention, I would almost put money on that it’s probably not, but sometimes in writing characters when you’re true to them and how they would react, unintentional themes will rear their heads and be just as important. Now, she’s not necessarily wrong to have done this, because we’ll see Fives does trust in the system and he’s murdered for it anyway.  Would Ahsoka have turned out the same?  Possibly, she’s definitely not wrong about the system being stacked against her.  But ultimately its not her own efforts that save her, but Anakin’s investigating as her Master.  Possibly not, she doesn’t have a chip in her head that leads straight to Order 66 and Darth Sidious himself making sure she absolutely has to die.  Oh, he wouldn’t have minded, but it wasn’t his direct goal. Ahsoka has a right to feel wary, because Anakin didn’t go visit her while she was in jail.  Anakin’s right, they absolutely would have used it against her, it would have made her look even more guilty, and he was trying to give her the absolute best shot possible.  This is almost assuredly the same exact reason the Jedi don’t go visit her after she’s expelled, because they do protest the entire way and a huge point is made about how she needs to get a fair trial, that the Senate is forcing them to expel her so that the Jedi won’t be accused of not taking this seriously, because they’re in a war and sedition/treason is an incredibly huge deal. And that’s also the thing--it’s easy to say that they should have stuck by Ahsoka (and I don’t disagree, they don’t disagree, they directly apologize to her for all of this!) but it’s still true that the Jedi were absolutely railroaded here.  They worked to keep this a Jedi matter, but Tarkin and the Senate said that it involved the deaths of clones and Republic citizens, so she had to face a Republic trial.  This is brought up like four separate times over the course of the arc, that the Jedi do not really have jurisdiction here.  (And, yes, they did try to keep her there--that’s the whole point of showing Tarkin forcibly strong-arming them and saying what they believe doesn’t matter.  That’s the whole point of Mace saying, “Let’s hope we can keep her here.”) This is also why the Protocol 66 arc is so important--Shaak Ti practically breaks her back trying to get Tup and Fives to the Jedi and she is roadblocked at almost every single turn or else plotted against behind her back to literally kidnap them away from her.  She argues that they have jurisdiction here as Generals in the war, but the Kaminoans argue right back that the clones belong to them, and then the Chancellor’s office gets involved and there’s even less chance to get them to the Jedi, because the Senate’s involved now and what they say goes more than anything. Further, these two arcs are important as bookends to each other in two really important ways: 1.  Each of them has a moment where the fugitive is finally caught.  Ahsoka dives down into the lower levels of Coruscant to evade capture.  Fives makes his case to Shaak Ti, who says she’ll take this seriously. They both ask a Jedi to trust them, but one turns himself over and one goes on the run.  Again, who’s to say if Ahsoka made the better choice, because she is the one who lives, but Fives was basically dead the moment he started looking into this, no matter what.  The point isn’t the outcome, but more that the Jedi don’t just throw him to the wolves, they fight to take this seriously and fight to find out the truth.

2.  The cases against Fives and Ahsoka have some really fascinating parallels in that they’re both accused of a murder they didn’t commit (against Letta, against the Supreme Chancellor) and there’s footage of them running/seemingly attacking others along the way. This is important because, if you strip away the context of what we, the audience knows, Ahsoka looks incredibly guilty. There’s footage of her apparently choking Letta to death.

She runs away from the Jedi from the moment she’s set-up, even not trusting her own Master.  She refuses to turn herself in or even contact them to tell them her side of things. There are dead clones in the path she takes out of the detention center, which appear to have been killed by a Force-wielder. She’s seen working and escaping with a known Separatist terrorist--because they have no way of knowing that Ventress has broken with the Separatists.  Ahsoka herself says, in this arc, that she never saw her and Ventress working together, showing that it’s pretty hard to believe even when you’re in the middle of it, much less from the outside!

Eventually, she’s found and captured, while in possession of the very nano-droids that were used to blow up Jackar Bowmani in the Jedi Temple. If you take out the context of us seeing Ahsoka’s reactions and how she put these pieces together (which no one else in universe would know), it isn’t just the frame job that makes her look guilty, but that her own actions contribute to the way this looks from a distance.  The evidence that piles up is really damning, that it’s not just one or two coincidental things, but an entire case against her! But they know Ahsoka, they have to know she couldn’t have gone to the dark side like that! And that’s why the beginning of this arc has a line that’s so easy to miss but it’s so important:

“There are many political idealists among us.”  “But a traitor?”  “I’m afraid one can eventually become the other.  Remember Count Dooku and General Krell.  That’s how they started too.” This has already happened before, that someone they thought they could trust turned out to be capable of terrible things.  This entire arc cannot exist without the context of knowing that there is a Jedi in the Temple right now who is betraying them, that if Barriss had been in Ahsoka’s position for all of this, it would be entirely possible that she would have acted the same way from an outsider point of view.  And how easy is it for us, even knowing that she absolutely is guilty, before we watched the end of this arc, to go, “But Barriss would never do that!  I cannot believe she would have fallen so far!” It also cannot exist without the context of another important thing--and this was a deliberate detail put into the episode, as Dave Filoni comments on in one of the featurettes for this arc, how they deliberately had Anakin chasing her, because it was a moment of foreshadowing for Darth Vader to be chasing a Jedi down. Darth Vader looms over this arc in a way that deepens the context.  Darth Vader, who is right there and the Jedi are trusting him, too.  Trusting him to be impartial when looking into whether a Jedi was behind the bombing.  Trusting him to be impartial when chasing after Ahsoka: Mace:  “I think it would be best if Skywalker stayed here. Having you involved may actually make things worse.” Anakin:  “Master Windu, with all due respect, she is my Padawan.” Mace:  “The reason for you not to go.” Obi-Wan:  “I think we're being foolish if we take Anakin off this mission. Who knows her better?” Mace:  “He's emotionally tied to her. Probably too emotional to do what needs to be done.” Anakin:  “I'd rather capture Ahsoka and find out the truth then let her run because of a lie.” Yoda:  “You must prove to us that you will stay focused. Can you?” Anakin:  “I've already alerted security on the lower levels to be on the lookout for Ahsoka.” Yoda:  “Go swiftly then, Skywalker, and bring back this lost child before it is too late.” The point is that it’s incredibly hard to know who to trust, it’s easy to say with an omniscient point of view of the entire story and 20/20 hindsight, but they have concrete examples of people who have betrayed their trust before, so it’s entirely reasonable for them to recognize that someone else may betray them, too.  That talking to them and showing that you’re willing to extend trust, that you’re willing to do this with a clear focus, is what gains their trust.  And, yeah, for all that the context of Darth Vader is hanging over this arc, it’s also true that they’re right to trust Anakin in this moment.  It’s his actions that save Ahsoka and bring the truth to light. As a fun bonus, this is all while the Force is so clouded with the dark side that Mace already said way back in Attack of the Clones, at the start of the war, that their ability to use the Force is diminished.  The psychic stress that must put on them (as people who can feel the entire weight of a planet on their minds), that the normal non-psychic stress of being in a war that there are too few of them and they’re dying in it is already pushing them to their limits, including that the dark side is hampering their ability to cut through the fog, it’s reasonable not to blindly trust people.  Baby Darth Vader being right there is a giant neon flashing light pointing to this. They want to treat Ahsoka fairly, but she isn’t giving them anything to work with, because she doesn’t trust them, either.  Which is why I keep coming back to that line she says when she leaves Anakin and the Jedi, her reason for doing it: “Why are you doing this?” “The Council didn't trust me, so how can I trust myself?”

Earlier, she says, “I don’t know who to trust!”  Then she begs Anakin to trust her.  And ultimately she doesn’t know if even she can do that.  Because trust is at the heart of this entire storyline. The opening quotes reflect this very nicely, too: 5.19 – Sometimes even the smallest doubt can shake the greatest belief. 5.18 – Courage begins by trusting oneself. 5.19 – Never become desperate enough to trust the untrustworthy. 5.20 – Never give up hope, no matter how dark things seem. An interesting note from one of the featurettes as well is that, originally, Ahsoka was going to rejoin the Jedi Order and that was going to be that.  They changed their minds because the opportunity to do something else with Ahsoka was more tempting.  Which says to me that this wasn’t an arc about exposing a fundamental eventuality, but instead about a far more complicated situation. Again, Ahsoka’s not entirely wrong or right in the way she goes about this.  We can’t say for certain what would have happened if she’d trusted other people, all we can say is that she didn’t trust any one when she ran, that ultimately that she doesn’t feel she can trust herself by the end of it and Anakin was the one who finally cleared her name, not her own efforts.  That she shows incredible fortitude for not giving in to the dark side, even when she was isolated. By the same token, the Jedi aren’t entirely right or wrong in the way they go about this.  I do think they should have visited her, even though Tarkin would almost assuredly have used it against Ahsoka to make her look guilty, but to say that they just abandoned her and never tried to help her, that they totally betrayed her when she was clearly so innocent, that they never even said sorry--that’s incorrect, too. Both sides were right and wrong.  It’s easy for us to feel for Ahsoka because we love her and her goodbye is incredibly heartbreaking, it’s so easy to trust her when we’re shown all the scenes of how this connects together and we see her reactions, that the story trusts us to let us in on her side of the events that happen.  It’s so easy because she feels very vulnerable and she was a victim of a really shitty situation.  It’s so easy because this is an incredibly harrowing experience for her and she stayed true to the light through it, through her own resilience. But stepping back from those feelings, hard as it was for me to do, let me see that Ahsoka failed in some important ways as well as that the Council failed in some important ways and that's why she herself decides that she needs to go figure herself out on her own, away from the Council and even away from Anakin, who was the one that always believed she was innocent and trusted her.  Because it wasn’t just about other people, it was about her and her own actions. I had all of this put together just from watching these two arcs, but then I started watching the story reels, including, “In Search of the Crystal” where Obi-Wan and Anakin have a conversation about Ahsoka leaving and Obi-Wan says, “I will grant you mistakes we made but she chose to leave.  Part of the Jedi way is not letting emotion cloud your better judgement.  And that's precisely what Ahsoka did. Even in her most critical moment.”

Not too long ago I was watching the featurette for “The Lawless” where Dave talked about Obi-Wan (more in the context of how he cannot embrace the dark side) and how the events were written to show that he’s a true Jedi, that he sticks to the bigger themes of Star Wars, which that’s how Dave sees Obi-Wan. I was reminded of that, in that Obi-Wan is, for all that we give him shit about the “from a certain point of view” line, actually a really reliable narrator when it comes to emotion and how it can cloud a Force-sensitive person’s mind. Obi-Wan’s right, especially because it’s pretty easy to make the inference that he’s one of the Council who voted in favor of Ahsoka, that he believed in her, even as he recognizes that her emotions clouded her judgement.  Even in her most critical moment. And when I went back to do my rewatch of The Clone Wars and these arcs, that became a lot clearer when I stepped back from my own emotional reactions to how much I love her and think she’s an incredible, good-hearted, kind, and compassionate person.  Because even the best of people can be both wrong and right at the same time.