#i like having physical copies of books… at least ones im planning on studying and analyzing

[hyperthinks]

my giant ~1400 page leather-bound tome of the collected works of shakespeare gets here todayyyyy ^_^

[leomitchellart]

So… about this latest Inktober controversy….

Time to begrudgingly chuck in my two penneth… (Remeber you can always press “J” to skip this post altogether)

As most of you may or may not know, Alphonso Dunn released a Youtube video wherein he publicly accused Jake Parker, and creator of the Inktober challenge, of plagiarising his book. Both of these men are public figures, artists specialising in pen & ink. In the video Dunn looks at the preview pages and flip through footage of Parker’s “Inktober All Year Round” and says they draw many similarities in the illustrations, language and layout that he used in his own book, “Pen & Ink Drawing”. Parker’s book was set to this month. Hense why Dunn only used footage and not a physical copy.

Since the video’s release, the art community has been very spilt down the middle. The book’s publisher has halted the launch of Parker’s book until the matter can be investigated. Even DeviantArt cancelled their own Inktober event thing (I’ll admit I don’t keep up with these things DA keeps doing). Parker has since released a statement in the matter. Now it’s up to the courts to decide what’s happening next. The video itself is an hour long, but it’s crucial to see it yourself. 

People are, understandably, outraged after seeing it. This seems like a shitty thing to rip-off Dunn - not to mention stupid. Since Dunn is the more popular pen & ink artist with more social media followers and name recognition. Many have called to boycott inktober and condemn Parker. I’ll admit, I was right alongside them at first, at least for feeling outraged. The similarities are there. But if YMS’s Kimba video has taught me anything, it’s that, even if an accusation of plagiarism may be obvious at a cursory glance, sometimes it’s important to take a more critical eye and do more research to learn that things aren’t as cut and dry as they first seem. If there’s a lesson I can take away from the internet as a whole, it’s that no one thinks about the consequences of mob mentality.

The most common defence of Parker is that because they’re both books about pen and ink drawing, then they’re inevitably going to be similar. I’ll admit that, when you pick-up so many art books, a lot of them will cover the same basic grounds of materials, tutorials, strokes, techniques etc. The parts about rendering textures on spheres and cubes isnt new. Look up “texture study” and you’ll see so many examples of artists rendering these kinds of things digitally. I’ve also noticed a common theme of people more formally educated in art pointing out how none of these are original. Everything down to the steps and illustrations are things they’ve learned from years ago. Since I'm a pen & ink artist, inspired by my love of comics, I have quite a few books about inking: Dunn’s included. I own both his books and still highly recommend them. I didn't even preorder Parker’s book. Ironically because I didn't think it could offer anything new that my other books hadn’t already.

While Ethan Becker took the time to cross-examine Dunn and Parker’s books with several others, there weren’t many of the ones I actually owned. So I looked to my shelves to see what I could find. Books like:

“The Art of Comic Book Inking” by Gary Martin & Steve Rude

“How Comics Work” by Dave Gibbons & Tim Pilcher

“The DC Comics guide to Inking Comics” by Klaus Janson

“Making Comics” by Scott McCloud

“Stan Lee’s How to Draw Comics”

I’m sure there’s plenty more examples out there. I was planning to go through all of these and take pictures. But ultimately that’s not the core point of these post. Plus it would’ve taken WAY too long and this post itself, is long enough.

Of course, none of the them are 100% close to Dunn’s in the way they’re displayed. Not as close as Parker’s could be considered. That being said, I know Dunn is trying to claim that he invented these techniques. The nucleus of the issue is how similar they are in terms of order and how these pages are displayed. Some I can chock-up to standard practice, while others seem more coincidental.

If there’s one thing I’m adamant about, it’s that I think that Dunn should’ve messaged Parker first before making the accusation public. Some try to dispute that this would've made it easier for Dunn to be “silenced”, whatever that means; but that sounds a bit conspiratorial to me. Ideally, you confront him about it in private, if he makes any threats or blows you off, get your lawyer on the phone and then make the video. Not only is it the more civil thing to do - but it’s the smarter thing to do. This is a serious legal matter, not just internet drama. While I’m sure Dunn had no intention of tearing Parker down or getting a mob onto him, that’s unfortunately what’s happened. A backlash both from the general artisan community and several companies. Wherein it was left to Parker himself to make this an official legal matter. If Parker’s found not guilty, then this could easily leave the gate open for him to sue Dunn for damages, loss of revenue, defamation of character or whatever else, should he see fit. As could the publishers, given how this affected their sales. Companies responded to the accusation of the video alone, before an investigation could be launched. Sure, it wouldn't be “acting the bigger man” but he’d be well within his right to do it. Dunn showed that Jake has mentioned him before, shown admiration for his career and referenced him in other posts. If it comes to light in court, that Dunn is even cited as an inspiration or source in the book itself, then it’s case closed. 

Then there’s the other possibility that Parker might not have done this on his own, but that he has a team behind the book. If that’s the case, the most I can accuse Parker of is being a hack. I worry Dunn has kneecapped himself for just how badly he’s handled this situation. Made worse by him not having an actual physical copy to assess and just had footage of preview pages to go on. So far, the circumstances don’t seem on his favour. 

I don’t think ill of Dunn. I do think he believes he’s been wronged and no malice in his intentions. I just think he’s made some critical errors on how to handled this. As for Parker himself, I couldn't give a donkey’s doo-dah about him. I’m sure you could accuse me of playing devil’s advocate earlier, but to me, he was the guy who released the annual prompt list. If it really does turn out that he’s a plagiarist and had malicious intent, then fuck ‘im. I never regarded him as an inspiration of mine or paid much attention to him outside of that. It was the community that made Inktober what it is. I’ve never met Parker. Maybe he’s a cool guy? Maybe he’s a bellend? I don’t know.

Granted this isn't the first time Parker has proved himself to be a controversial figure: - Last year people were upset about him trademarking (not copywriting, as many have erroneously claimed) the word “Inktober” and some artists were stopped from selling their related work or zines. Parker would issue a statement: claiming the takedowns were a mistake of “overzealous lawyers” and it’s just a matter of the logo being trademarked. People can sell their Inktober works and even mention they are Inktober-related. Just not use the official logo. On the one hand, from a business standpoint, I get it. It’s the bare minimum you need to do to protect your IP, especially when you have a store. BUT, like most people, I don’t like how, what’s intended as a community challenge, has slowly become more of a brand associated with one man. Hardly a surprise it left a bad taste in so many people’s mouths. But, since it doesn't actually effect anyone’s ability to take part in the challenge, outside of personal principle, I went ahead with it the previous year. 

 - The year before, when asked if one can do Inktober digitally, Parker said the following:

I know some are still bitter about that, but speaking as someone who inks traditionally and digitally, this came across as needless whinging and blowing things out of proportion. Claiming that Jake had derided digital artists and said they were invalid etc etc. Take it from me, challenging yourself to try out different methods to ink traditionally can greatly improve the work you do digitally. It’s like how learning traditional fundamentals of art can still be applied to digital. Plus he never said “No.” he just gave valid reasons about how it makes it a different experience. That said, if you’re someone who can’t afford any kind of inking equipment or pens and only have a selected application to draw on - then none of this applies to you. Just the aforementioned few who took it upon themselves to get angry over nothing. Recently I’ve heard from subscribers of his newsletter that he’s now embraced the idea of people doing inktober digitally, to the point of selling digital brushes for inktober. I’m sure some will call this “backsliding” or “money grubbing” because people aren’t allowed to change their minds or update their statements.

For weeks I’ve been torn on what to do, not being able to solidify one stance over another. One minute I thought #JusticeForAlphonsoDunn then I wonder “Wait maybe I should look again?” to “But wait, those are way too similar!” Having splinters in my arse from sitting on the fence for so long. The longer this went on, however, I began to realise that I can’t take one stance over another. This case is far too muddy and complicated. I don’t have enough sufficient knowledge or evidence. Nor do any of you. We literally only have Dunn’s video to go on. While it’s a good start, it’s not enough to be taken 100% as gospel when it’s the only thing to hand. 

As previously mentioned, a lot of artists have decided to not take part in Inktober at all, or follow different prompt lists. That’s completely fine. A lot of them are based around a specific theme: halloween, kinky stuff, bears, transformers, OCs, Disney or whatever. That has massive appeal. I just can’d do it myself. I prefer the focus on random words, rather than all centred on a single subject; allowing me to be creative with my ideas and execution. I actually did try to make a list of my own random words. Problem is, I worried that because I was choosing my own, I might be subconsciously bias towards certain prompts and not truly challenging myself. Even narrowing down my options was taking too long. In the end…. I’ve decided to just do the official prompts again this year.

For me, that’s what it ultimately came down to. TIME. It’s the middle of September. I can’t afford to wait for the court case to be settled. No other prominent artists I respect have released their own prompt lists. I know there’s been some shitty people who are condemning this choice. Attacking others, accusing them of supporting plagiarism, looking to block anyone who does the official prompts. Even trying to make this a racial issue. Just…. no. 

If someone doesn’t want to take part in Inktober, that’s fine. If someone wants to do the official prompts, that’s fine. If someone wants to do their own prompts, that’s fine.

Don’t go around aggressively making snap judgements or accusing people of taking a side. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. This has been a shit year, let people enjoy something.

If you look at this situation and it makes you feel angry, and you don’t feel comfortable in taking part in a challenge because of it’s creator. I get that, I literally get that. It’s why I haven't done Mermay. And please don’t mention Pinktober, I’m aware of it, but given his insta video on the subject and the things he said, I quickly came to the conclusion that I can’t take this person seriously. I’m sure this might make me seem hypocritical, but how this differs, if only for me, is the sheer amount Inktober means to me. It’s more than a simple challenge. Inktober's the one thing I’ve been most excited about all year. As it was ruined for me in 2019, when I lost my home and I didn't get to complete every prompt. (Long story, I’m okay now). As we all know, 2020, has been an AWFUL year. We’ve got to take whatever joy we can. As I’ve looked longer at the official prompts, I found ideas I’m really excited for. 

Once I started to really dedicate myself to it, it became a massive event. I hype myself up as I prepare for the busy month. Buy in supplies, clean the house and workspace, cook and freeze meals in bulk to save time, printing off a sheet that allows me to jot down ideas as I plan ahead.  Then once it’s done, after so much work, it makes the reward all the sweeter: Ordering a takeaway, celebrating a great halloween night and still rocking those vibes throughout November. Feeling proud of myself for doing it and seeing myself improve my technique, discipline and earning a few lie-ins to make up for the sleep I lost working. I’m like a kid waiting for Christmas. That said, don’t think that there’s something wrong with you when you understandably can’t dedicate that amount time for a simple art challenge. If anything that’s plenty of reason to why you’re smarter than me. You have a life and don’t push yourself too much.

Now, I need to crack on with the preparations. If you want to boycott Jake Parker, just not buying any of his products should be enough. Doing the inktober challenge doesn't bring attention to him, as I doubt most people even know him as the creator, nor does it even line his pockets. I just hate how cancel culture can do such serious damage like this and then try and put pressure on others to act accordingly without even doing any research themselves. 

As long as you’re not harassing anybody. Just do what YOU want to do. That’s fine. 

[marias-studyblr]

how are you studying physiology? just by slideshows and class notes, or are you using textbooks? im also a med student and always wish i could use textbooks but it feels literally impossible, with the work load we have. either way, lots of love!

hello fellow med student! :-) pleasure!

disclaimer one: I’ m just starting Physiology, so my study methods may change throughout the semester, who knows. I’m pretty happy with the way I organized myself so far, but I haven’t gone through the whole experience yet, so I can’t know for sure.

disclaimer two: obviously your school may be completely different than mine but I’ll mention that later.

For physiology, I’m studying with the recommended textbooks.

It’s actually the simplest subject in my semester when it comes to knowing where to study from, since the information is all in just one textbook (Constanzo) that the teachers follow and it’s not even big (it has less than 500 pages). 

In other subjects, like Genetics, the information is spread in various chapters of different books - there isn’t that one golden resource, which sucks because I have to go around and search where everything is. I guess that’s why I’m so grateful and devoted to the physiology bibliography.

So I have a physical copy of that Linda Constanzo I picked up from the library. And I compare info to a pdf I have of Ganong (Ganong’s Review of Medical Physiology) because I like that book. They are basically the same but my teachers prefer Constanzo.

I check my syllabus frequently and I know I have x pages to read in day y.

And I do one lecture at a time, consecutively.

I do notes for lectures of the next week.

I always print the lecture slides and annotate them at home with my lecture notes and notes I wrote from the textbook. I complete stuff if anything is missing.

I store all the information of the lecture, one by one, as I finish them, in a binder.

I can say for sure it’s all about time management. One thing I’ve learnt from my first semester is you have to be really organized with knowing the x pages you need to read every day to be on track or else things will catch up on you and bite you in the arse. :^)

And you have to do that for every single subject, not just Physiology.

I have my planning methods (my bujo, my calendars), my syllabus. And I always plan to work ahead of time. That is key. Find your groove with your daily readings so you can learn and actually enjoy the experience.

Make sure when you pick up the textbook you know you have to read these pages and you’re not stumbling around looking for where to start. Don’t linger and read more because you want your reading to be as complete as possible either. (maybe that’s just a problem i have idk) There’s always going to be more stuff to read, but because you don’t have the time, read the minimum required.

Try to be as efficient and quick as possible with your readings and notes.

I don’t know your situation or your workload, inside or outside of college. I’ve said that as a disclaimer because: everyone’s experience is different. And we should take all advice with a grain of salt. We have to choose what is best for ourselves. Maybe you have another resource that is better than a textbook.

But honestly, I can’t recommend studying just through the slides and your class notes. I haven’t found that to be sufficient for myself. Studying with doing readings/annotating with the textbook is better and I do recommend spending time picking well textbooks beforehand, printing chapters (don’t buy if you don’t have to) and doing your daily readings. It’s really worth it, in my opinion.

I hope you find this helpful. At least this is what has been working for me so far.

thank you so much btw, lots of love right back to you!! ❤️ I wish you the best of luck and success for this subject, and for the many others that will come. I know you can do this.

[karanguni]

[Japanese] Language Learning Signup

So, I've been thinking about how to get around to starting language learning posts here with you all. It's been awesome seeing a general interest in getting back up with Japanese, but it is tricky when we are all at different levels of formal/informal education and exposure, have different learning styles, and have no native speaker to reference. This post is going to be two things: a general braindump, because on weekdays my capacity for critical thinking gets expended in the office trying not to murder people whom I want to send to http://www.lmgtfy.com, and also a general signup to commit to some goals.

Braindump

If years of academic Japanese have taught me anything, it is that critical mass is the most important part of acquisition. This guy over at All Japanese All The Time may sound quacky and weird, but the core of his ideas are right, IMHO: there is a time and place for rote repetition, and often picking up a new language is it. The trick – I think – is that certain types of rote work better than other types of rote depending on who you are. I was very surprised, when I briefly stayed for more than just a holiday in Japan, to find that rote memorisation of vocabulary (literally going alphabetically)... worked. But that was because I was immediately exposed to usage, and there was a constant feedback active/passive loop. I'm going to try to provide that exposure, but at the same time rote has got to work for the individual since – short of switching all your internet browsing over to JP – it's hard to get effective reinforcement. Picking a non-English/first-language aid/crutch to make rote effective might be the key here: visual people might go for picture flashcards, audio people might try to memorise a song, textual people a Japanese-to-Japanese definition or reading in general. That's my meta on "picking stuff up" in general. But there are whole categories of stuff to "pick up" – reading comprehension, listening comprehension, writing fluency, speaking fluency. I'm going to focus almost entirely on reading and listening, with a side-step into writing to reinforce the two and copying spoken Japanese by natives to do the same. I'm nowhere near native, and will not pretend to be: I'm not going to teach or co-learn aspects that I'm not native in. It's fairly important to emphasis the "do not co-learn badness" part here: reinforcing bad and/or plain wrong ideas can be fundamentally terrible for you. Even then, it leaves a lot of stuff to cover, and a lot of ways which it can crossover into more intense practice in the writing/speaking domain.

Goals

So - goals! NYRs! Whatever you want to call what you want to achieve! I'm thinking we do this on a week-by-week basis, because long-term goals are hard to hit: it's easy to overpromise and even easier to underdeliver. Weekly checkins with others = peer pressure = good pressure. Even if a goal is dropped, rolling it over to the next week is easy. Then there can be big picture goals: things you want to achieve that you might not get 100% of the way through but that will guide weekly aims. These can go up to the end of the year. Here are mine for the upcoming week:

Write a post a week with original material catered directly to people's questions or difficulties

Work through, by rote, 10 常用漢字 per week including all phrase-words

Translate at least half of a rakugo story and publish it here

And my bigger goals:

Write a website or flashcard tool or GDocs thing so that people can have printable, submittable worksheets/exercises

Get through my kanji book by doing the 10/week minimum by the end of the year

Watch at least 12 episodes of something in Japanese with only Japanese subtitles by the end of the year

Switch over to only using Japanese-to-Japanese dictionary lookups by March

If you're interested in tagging along – whether you're seeing this post now, or at any time at all while I'm still updating my journal with the tag "Japanese" – leave a comment with yours. Depending on what people jot down, I'll plan for the next post!

Prep

Until the next post, here are some things you can do to get yourself prepared and/or excited. Physical Study & Practice Materials Don't even bother typing when you do any exercises – go straight to pen and paper, and then type in response to posts here. Muscle memory is your friend, and it's really nice to write things physically! Get a nice writing implement while you're at it. Ballpoint and 0.5mm pencil will smudge the least; gel will be smudgier; nibs will be painful. Muji has great pens and Japanese writing supplies if you're lucky enough to live near one. You're going to be writing a lot: enjoy the experience! (I hated coming to America where most writing paper felt like sandpaper. It makes a difference when you're doing repetitive exercises, let's just say that.) Then get good writing paper. Cheap: get a notebook, preferably one without any lines, or at least faint ones, or one that's gridded. You want to not feel like you're cramping your kana and kanji. I'm a big fan of nice paper, so I'd be happy to send people notebooks! Slightly more expensive: find and print grid paper online. Henceforth, we shall call it by its given name: 原稿用紙 genkoyoushi. One PDF source here. Prettier and better ones with kanji grids. Print a whole bunch for your weekly goals! Expensive: Japanese stationary stores (and some Asian marts) in the US will have 原稿用紙 for sale in tear-off gum pads or in practice notebooks. Japanese IMEs I'll write a separate post on getting set up on this because this one is already the length of the moon, but you should get your computer set up to switch cleanly between English and Japanese IME inputs. Google has an IME that introduces crowdsourcing to typing: this is awesome, because suggestions that pop up are going to be the most-used ones. I default keyboard switching on all my systems to something like CMD-SPACE or WINDOWS-SPACE. Dictionary/Grammar/Practice Books If you're just starting out, resist the urge to buy anything just yet. I have tens of reference books I've never cracked open beyond an initial gleeful reference. Books that are really useful in my experience: one good physical introduction-level book if you're just starting out. This can be Genki, Minna no Nihongo, or any equivalent. Make it a goal to go through each chapter. Write on every margin. Use the hell out of it: make it worth your money. Other useful books are JLPT practice books. Stores like Kinokuniya will often have entire sections dedicated to them. They sometimes come in trilingual or quadrulingual mode, English/Korean/Mandarin/Japanese being the most common. If you have one of the other two (Korean/Mandarin), they provide a interesting triangulation onto certain grammatical or vocabulary contexts, though the quality isn't necessarily always 100%. I'll grab some PDF'd materials that I'll put up into f-locked posts – those will get you through just about anything else. For kanji, don't pick up a dictionary unless you plan on using it. I've got some recommendations if you do want one, but in the meantime sites like Jisho.org will get you through just about anything. On the iPhone side of things, imiwa? is an invaluable app. Audio/Visual This will be expanded further along, but now is a good time to figure out if you like listening to songs, or anime, or Netflix original series. Shows like 深夜食堂 (shinya shokudou/Midnight Diner) on Netflix have both English and Japanese subtitles in addition to being good introductions to aspects of Japanese culture and types of speech – I highly recommend watching them in English now, and then gradually trying to pick up things from the Japanese subtitles later. My Old Posts I did a short-lived and more disorganised equivalent of this last year: if you're starting from the kana or basic grammar level, it might be good to go back through those posts. If you're interested in More Estorericer Stuff, I once wrote a post on classical Japanese and the opening lines of the Tale of Heike. It's written sort of terribly, but if it interests people I would love to do more of that – gotta keep in practice. comments Comment on DW: http://ift.tt/2Flb5FF

[nct-markeureee-blog]

g e t  to  k n o w  me tag

 asjkh tagged by @donghyuckstudies + @taebreez <3<3<3<3 ahh ily guys :3

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning, when you are finished you have to tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!!

1) Are you named after someone? nopee

2) When is the last time you cried? i cried so much when nct had their first win --  but the last time i cried was an hour ago bc i studied so hard for a test and i did it today and it was hard and i feel like i failed and i probably did fail and the idea of failing just kills me so so much omg i cant ok bye

3) Do you like your handwriting? yeap my writing is pretty good to be honest! but sometimes when i take notes i just look at the board and write/copy at the same time and then i look at my writing after im done and its just .... ... hahahahahahaha

4) What is your favourite lunch to eat? S U S H I i love sushi so so much like adlkj i can eat this sole creation for the rest of my life

i also like tempura shrimp/veggieeess

5) Do you have kids? sorry i aint no Teen Mom ,., but i dont plan to be a mom ever so ye

6) If you were another person, would you be friends with you? ahh i think i would tbh i feel like im a really nice and caring and selfless and social person in my opinion and i think im just a good friend material ! at least i hope so ? lol

7) Do you use sarcasm? no omg i never use sarcasm and tbhhhh sometimes i get sad when people use mean sarcasm even tho the point of sarcasm is not to get mad/sad welppp

8) Do you still have your tonsils? ya lol are tonsils that bad to be a question idk

9) Would you bungee jump? ohmg yeeee i think i would be down and then 5 mins before i jump ill be like what kind of shit did i just get myself into 

10) What is your favourite kind of cereal? ahh i dont really eat cereal/oatmeal but i like cinnamon toast crunch or those cereals with clusters i despise fruit loops hmm what

11) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? my shoelaces are always untied lmao whoops

12) Do you think you’re a strong person? holy shit not even a million ‘no’s would be able to emphasize how un-strong of a person i am especially when it comes to grades

13) What is your favourite ice cream flavour? im not into ice cream(except for matcha ice cream) but i like fruit sorbets! 

14) What is the first thing you notice about people? facial features? and then probably their height

15) Red or pink? i dont like both ,, BUT MARK LIKES PINK SO PINK

16) What is the least favourite physical thing you like about yourself? my body/weight in general 

17) What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now? black ~shorts~(even tho its winter) and no shoes

18) What was the last thing you ate? the last legit thing was asian stir fry veggies but i just tried an “orange cream yogurt raisin” rn that tasted weird

19) What are you listening to right now? nothing but the last thing i did was Good Thing -  N  C  T. T T T T 

(whenever i feel sad though (like rn) i would listen to Tomorrow-BTS)

20) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? yellow because like its all nice and bright and pretty and everyone uses yellow but then the second the yellow crayon touches/mixes with a darker colour the crayon gets ruined and no one wants to use the yellow crayon anymore ://

21) Favourite smell? juicy couture smells really goood and mens cologne asdjkf

22) Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my friend she asked me to send her some notes for the TEST WHICH i failed

23) Favourite sport to watch? ahhhhhhhh i love soccer(fifa) and volleyball matches and then i loooveeee watching all the olympics sports collectively yeet

24) Hair colour? my natural hair colour is like a standard chestnut brown but i dyed it a golden brown-blonde but its been 6 months since i last redyed it and half my hair is brown again and idk whether ill switch to my natural hair colour or redye it

25) Eye colour?  chestnut

26) Do you wear contacts? i wear glasses(near-sighted) but my eyesight is good enough to see properly w/out glasses so contacts are unnecessary technically

27) Favourite food to eat? S U S H I. Sushi!

28) Scary movies or comedy? comedy hands down i love the feeling of laughing so hard that you’re just uncontrollably wheezing and hyperventilating asjkfs 

29) Last movie you watched? idek i dont watch movies but i watch NCT videos and kdramas

30) What colour of shirt are you wearing? im not wearing a shirt wearing a zip up fleece turtleneck sweater thats like an amalgamate of white, beige, dark green, brown, dark teal colours its rlly pretty and comfy 

31) Summer or winter? im a canadian so winter but last week i literally fell six times in a row from the snow/ice and i couldnt move and i got sick so winter rn ihy pls end rn

32) Hugs or kisses? im a 15 year old hormonal teenage girl so this question makes me hormonal i feel like i dont really see a difference i think that if the action is sincere and genuine i would enjoy/prefer both equally

33) What book are you currently reading? other than webtoons i never really read any books other than school textbooks(current one im reading is “Object Oriented Programming: an intro to java” or sm like that)

34) Who do you miss right now? i dont really miss anyone i think ppl enter and leave my life for a reason i just miss this person that i loved so much named Good GrADES ;-; yes i am still salty i will forever be salty

35) What is on your mouse pad? im on a laptop so uh ,,

36) What is the last TV program you watched? do kdramas count? The Shining Eun Soo(my first and fav >25 ep kdrama) 

NCT LIFE PLS I AM WAITING EVERYDAY

37) What is the best sound? MARK LEES LAUGH SMILE EXISTENCE i like the sound of good grades

38) Rolling Stone or the Beatles? i feel like this preference is worthless because i know neither and i only listen to kpop but i guess the beatles?

39) What is the furthest you have ever travelled? Egypt 

40) Do you have a special talent? after months of careful bs i have developed the skill of crafting excellent academic essays that require some sort of reading(novel, article, idk)  ...,,, without actually ,,reading

41) Where were you born? toronto, canada

42) People you expect to participate in this? “expect” UhM i tag everyone!

@nctgiri @taeiloves @why-jaehyun @jaehyyunn @jenowhat @1aeil MY GOOD CHINGUS sorry if you’ve already been tagged lmao 

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.

[jvzooproductsclub]

Smarter Brain, Better Life Review

Smarter Brain, Better Life Review

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[theboardwalkbody]

59 QUESTIONS:

Flounder told me to do 59 of those questions. I started this last night and needed to take a break. I tried to answer completely and honestly and it may have really soured my mood. By question like 20 or so it’s basically pictures of Joe Gilgun every other question. lol I felt it was easier to post photos than answer with words since I wasn’t too happy. But I’m sure if you delve into this you’ll really see where the depression and self-loathing caught hold of me again.

1. selfie

post-shower selfie. also, shout-out to Joe.

2. what would you name your future kids?

Boys: Thomas Richard (or if I had two boys Thomas and Richard). Thomas is a name that’s p much been in every gen of my family except for mine because everyone had girls and not boys. So I’d bring that back. Richard was my grandpa’s name so I’d also bring that back.

Girls: Natalie, Elizabeth, possibly Ellie, maybe Megan. 

3. do you miss anyone?

Of course. One’s a they’re-not-here-anymore thing and the others more of a we’re-growing-apart-as-people thing. 

4. what are you looking forward to?

You know, I really am looking forward to starting this new job. Not just for the money it’ll provide me with and the possibilities of me being able to do fun things like go to the friggin’ aquarium (most of this sort of thing I am already making plans to do lol oops) and see the solar eclipse but also because it feels like I’m finally DOING something. It feels like I’m finally taking this nursing-track seriously. I’ve got myself in a hospital doing career-related work. It’ll have benefits which I need to stay healthy. It’ll support me. It almost feels like Day One of this job is where my TV show starts. Day One is my Pilot episode. It’s gonna be JD walking into Sacred Heart, it’s gonna be the TARDIS landing in my yard and the Doctor saying, “run”, it’s gonna be Spongebob getting his fry cook spatula. In my mind I keep comparing it to Scrubs a lot. Like this is where we see me go from PCA to Nurse and this is where I will finally make Work Friends and maybe grab dinner with them after a long shift and maybe one day a cute employee will see me in the cafeteria and we’ll start dating. I just feel like maybe this job will be that life changing. That this is where my story starts - the story people want to see - and that’ll change my life. Or kickstart it. I know that that all sounds horribly idealistic and is not at all reality, it’s just not how life works, but that’s how excited and hopeful it’s making me.

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

Lately Joe Gilgun’s been handling that. lol (and by lately i mean for like a year now). But as far as people IRL... not sure. Everyone has their days. One day this person will make me smile another day this one will. Everyone has bad days where they just rub each other the wrong way - it happens. But I feel like the people who are close to me make me smile pretty well for the most part. 

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

Not really. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend and it took me two weeks top to get over him. Then again, I wasn’t even that big into him anyway. I’ve had a couple friendships melt away and those took longer to get over. Not sure I’m entirely over them. I think it just depends on the strength of the relationship and probably also the type. I really don’t peg myself as one who would find it hard to get over failed romantic en-devours, based on that past experience. 

7. what was your life like last year?

Strap in: Last year was a fucking hot mess. I mean personally as well as whatever the fuck the universe was doing. I started off last year entering Nursing III. I was excited because OB/PEDI was the rotation. I had JUST managed to pass Nursing II the week before Christmas and I truly felt like the luckiest person alive. I went into Nursing III with the impression it wouldn’t be harder than Nursing II BUT I wanted to do well anyway because OB/PEDI is where I want to be. The rotation was hectic and I was feeling the pressure and I ended up struggling. I failed the class by 2 points. Somewhere in the midst of all that I got into Preacher and so I took to drowning my sorrow by thinking of Joe (watching interviews and stuff). And man was I full of sorrow. The entire rest of May and the entirety of June I fell into such a fucking state of depression I was starting to forget literally everything. I lost an entire week of memory to depression during that period. Despite that I got a job as I’d run out of money and I started passing the time doing that. Until I got over the initial “if i mess up im fired” anxiety and got comfortable, at which point I called out frequently because my depression was like “fuck you you’re staying in bed - MENTAL HEALTH DAY LOLOLOL”. I was accepted as a re-entry student and got to try a second attempt at Nursing III. My job told me to go fuck myself (they wanted me to work friday - sunday plus one day during the week minimum - my class schedule was monday, thursday, friday and sorry i wanted a day to rest and a day to study - plus. that friday was non-negotiable. gotta love retail) and fired me. But whatever. Back to school, my priority, I went. I bought physical copies of my books to accompany the online versions. I went to the library to study. I actually studied. I excelled at clinical and I did well on all my exams except one. And then the final came up. And all I needed was a 75 to pass. My average was a 77 for christ sake. But nope. Bombed. 0.7 point failure. I got my grade three days before christmas. I tried to kill myself in front of my mom and my sister (in front of the christmas tree) with my grandma and my sisters boyfriend one room over in the kitchen. I cried for hours in my little sisters arms. I’d ruined christmas. My life was over. 0.7 points and ‘sorry, you failed out of nursing school - the last 4 years of your life was pointless’. I tried to appeal. I tried EVERYTHING. The dean of nursing told me I had no case for an appeal (my failure was my own), my only option was to re-enter the program and start from scratch. I asked her, as calmly and composed as I could muster being on the verge of tears, what steps I needed to take to re-enter. She told me, “do you really want to continue to waste your time and money at an institution you’ve already failed?”. I wanted to fucking kill her. I wanted to slit my own throat right in front of her and bleed out over her desk. I cried instead. I was so pissed at myself. Why couldn’t I be a Normal Adult and not cry until I got outside the fucking building at least? I spent the last two weeks of the year with my head so bruised it hurt to touch it or lay down on a pillow even, trying to forget literally everything, how I literally ruined my own life because I wasn’t smart enough, by sleeping as much as I could and spending the hours I was awake thinking about Joe because at least thinking of him made me a little happier. 

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

Yes. I cry with literally almost every emotion.

9. who did you last see in person?

My grandma.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

I tend to be. The only time I am not is if I am so overwhelmed I don’t have the energy. Or if I am so upset I’m literally having a breakdown. Then I’m not. 

11. are you listening to music right now?

No.

12. what is something you want right now?

I kinda just want to go to bed. This whole thing has gotten too personal and I’m like half on the verge of tears and half so angry at myself I could scream.

13. how do you feel right now?

See above. I was alright before that, though. Believe me I was.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

I don’t fucking know. Men are disgusted by my appearance and usually do not appear within a 30 mile radius let alone touch me.

15. personality description

i have to be honest with you. this whole thing has made me very upset and angry with myself so i really dont think im in the right place mentally to answer this question. 

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Yes, and I feel bad about it to this day because they’re not around anymore.

17. opinion on insecurities.

I’ve got a lot of them. Also, Insecurity by Scars on 45 is a really good song, if that’s what you were asking.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

Read the above question about what my year was like and ask me that again.

19. have you ever been to New York?

I have been fortunate to go to NYC quite a few times. Benefits of having a friend who lives there. However, the amazement of it has certainly worn off. It’s a little frustrating to see how some people become so elitist about it. Yes, it’s a cool place, but listen, just because it’s a cool place doesn’t mean every other place is shit. It’s kind of annoying to watch your friend go on and on about how they’re a “native” and therefore “non-natives” don’t understand how awesome their city is while at the same time actively hating all the parts that make people like the city in the first place. It’s hard to explain. But I’m over that elitist attitude.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

I still can’t stop listening to Hamilton. I guess my current fav song off that is Washington On Your Side.

21. age and birthday?

25. Aug. 24th.

22. description of crush.

(I’ve not got any crushes that pertain to my actual real life so there’s Joe again). 

23. fear(s)

i have quite a number of those and lately ive been having like ‘flashes’ of scary situations while i’m out and about and have been mini panic attacks in public. so that’s not going well.

24. height

4′11.5″ is what the medical charts say. I think I can be an honorary 5ft.

25. role model (answered already)

26. idol(s)

see # 25

27. things i hate (answered already)

28. i’ll love you if…

you show me any shred of kindness and human respect.

29. favourite film(s)

Twister. Runners up: Forrest Gump, DragonHeart, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, and Holes.

30. favourite tv show(s)

Preacher, The Pacific, Generation Kill, Boardwalk Empire, The 100 (tho it’s an on-off love), Once Upon A Time (also on-off), Mr. Robot, HOUSE, M.D. CSI: NY, Viva La Bam, Jackass, and I used to really like Doctor Who and Torchwood. Misfits, Skins (UK, of course). 8 out of 10 Cats. I’ve got an on-off thing with 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. Big Fat Quiz.... 

31. 3 random facts (answered already)

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

girls. remember #14

33. something you want to learn

Enough to get my friggin license and get out of school that’s for sure.

34. most embarrassing moment

i have a lot of them. one time i tried to talk to a guy i had a crush on. i talked to him the same way i wrote fanfiction at the time. (girl finds unloved outcast, girl asks him if he wants to be friends, ultimately they become inseparable and fall in love and live happily ever after). he was weirded out. i persisted for a few days. i IMed him after stalking his myspace. he called me a slut and told me to never talk to him after complimenting his haircut (which i couldnt have known unless i saw him IRL as he posted no photos and i still hadnt told him who i was). it made the rest of the year awkward. i was 14. don’t do that, kids.

35. favourite subject

i like sciencey stuff in general. but if i want easy a’s i got for english.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

1. become the best damn nurse in the ‘verse and help ~all the babies and kids 2. have a large happy family 3. be financially stable and healthy enough to take said large happy family on vacations and such

37. favourite actor/actress

38. favourite comedian(s)

(there’s more but they’re the only ones I have gifs of)

39. favourite sport(s)

I quite like tennis, actually.

40. favourite memory

Eh, I don’t really know - to be honest. IDK if it’s because I don’t have one or because depression makes me think I don’t have one or if it’s because I often look back at past times that were fun and wish ‘why can’t I go back, I miss it’ rather than ‘That was great, what a good time’ like I assume most people are supposed to.

41. relationship status

single as fuck. yes, i am bitter about it. and very lonely.

42. favourite book(s)

Living Hell - Catherine Jinks the Across the Universe series by Beth Revis Rapture - John Shirley (prequel to BioShock) The Stand - Stephen King 11/22/63 - Stephen King Under the Dome - Stephen King The Islander - Cynthia Rylant

43. favourite song ever

Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. I like the way it sounds. It calms me down.

44. age you get mistaken for

i have no idea, but i do know no one bothers to ID me for alcohol anymore.

45. how you found out about your idol

I’m going to bang my head against a wall.

46. what my last text message says

my mom: “we’ll go next week then�� me: “OK”

47. turn ons

48. turn offs

not being treated with mutual respect (ie a dude expecting he’s entitled to things or who thinks he should get more than he gives out). one of those guys who considers relationships to be the “ball-and-chain” trope. like don’t bother then.

49. where i want to be right now

with Joe. I am over this questionaire. D:

50. favourite picture of your idol

STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY IDOL. HERE’S A GIF OF JOE AS CASSIDY.

51. starsign

virgo

52. something i’m talented at

i have no talent.

53. 5 things that make me happy

and also good food.

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

my financial situation (are we a nation of states? whats the state of our nation?! i’m passed patiently waiting, i’m passionately smashing every expectation. every actions an act of creation. i’m laughing in the face of casualty and sorrow, for the first time im thinking past tomorrow - and i am not throwing away my shot!) also literally everything because Anxiety™.

55. tumblr friends

Marisa and Heather and Flounder, you don’t count because I knew you since The Womb (Middle School is the womb apparently) and Kenny if we’re going by people I talk to frequently and also got on FB and the like. But if you wanna be friends just drop me a line. 

56. favourite food(s)

Chicken fingers with fries (and honey mustard and ketchup) is my go-to meal whenever I am out. I also like pizza from my fav. pizzeria (I mean or any but mine’s the best). Mozzarella sticks, penne vodka, ham and cheese subs/ham, salami, cappicolla, provolone subs (italian subs). French toast (homemade tho), waffles (eggo only), pancakes, grilled cheese, cream of broccoli soup but NOT cheddar broccoli, baked ziti (with ricotta or you did it wrong), mac and cheese, Guinness steak and mushroom pies, toasted pb&j sammiches, fluffenutter sammiches, english muffin pizzas are good in a pinch, chicken goo, cheeseburgers (only from mcdonalds tho so...) and once a year i have a hotdog. OH no - I love auntie annes pretzel dogs and i get those often so disregard my previous statement.

57. favourite animal(s)

turtle, axolotl, sharkies are cool, puppies (but not the scary ones that barked at me on my walk) and kittens and i really like reptiles.

58. description of my best friend

(photos apparently swimsuit edition and look at those fucking hideous life jackets that we had to wear per contract until out of sight from camp personell. DIDN’T STOP ME FROM SPLITTING MY FOOT OPEN AND NEEDING STITCHES NOW DID IT). Also Flounder’s swimsuit was cooler than mine. And yes I am short.

59. why i joined tumblr

Kiera had a tumblr and I wanted to be cool, too, so I made one and forced her to follow me and I followed her and she doesn’t use this site anymore because she decided red.dit and ifu.nny were better uses of her time but i cant escape, i dont want to.