#i like nuked a ton of my stuff from only a few years ago

[loveletterworm]

unfortunate that attempting to make things of any substantial nature and put them somewhere that people can see them generally runs directly counter to having any sort of anonymity I still would really like to be making bad little games with stupid little characters because that has been my only big goal in life since i was little (very bad at fulfilling it despite it being not even that hard) but even so much as "Extremely niche micro-micro-micro-celebrity" is a fate worse than death in my eyes . But also having nobody look at anything i do is kind of sad like living in a cave so what gives

[olderthannetfic]

Hi! So I have a rambling explanation that’s going to lead into a genuine question about making a website somewhat like a03 or finding alternatives to a site I will mention (it’s not a03 don’t worry)

I am a non/disney editor, crossover artist, amv maker and deep faker and any other term for “make videos of characters in canon or au type scenarios to music”. I’m also a fanficcer. And I remember when being wary of Anne Rice and Archie Comics and DC was a thing. A teacher, to cover his ass for an assignment of mine, taught me how to write an apology letter to a company on the offhand my hand written basically Batman fanfiction, made it’s way online or was heard about. I was in the tail end right before A03 but I am extremely grateful that the site exists. Okay. So now I need to talk about the Owl House. In season three episode special one, Luz Noceda makes an amv coming out to her mom.

Editor friends in a private discord were both happy and worried. Luz is one of us….but also Disney knows about us, to some level. Nothings happened I’ve just been stewing and I’m just worried something might hit the fan for the community given many of us use Disney media (hard not to when 80% of things put out is by them) So I’m asking how one would make a platform like A03 but for video media. Or if there’s things you know like that. YouTube is getting more and more difficult for anyone nowadays too.

Again, nothings really happened yet, I just can’t get it out of my head

--

Video is worlds harder than text, but you know that.

There are a couple of approaches here: First, more is more. The more sites you have your stuff on, the smaller the chance that Disney can nuke all of them. Second, if you're not just using youtube and getting good at playing the algorithm, you need some way for people to find you or to keep track of all your alternate hosting.

Vidders of the oldschool sort have taken to using AO3. It doesn't have native hosting, of course, but it provides a stable URL and useful fandom-based tagging without algorithm bullshit. It's also a decent way to get vids out there if you only have download links and no streaming (though, of course, that means fewer views). You can embed a bunch of different copies of the same thing in the same work.

I don't know of a ton of fannish attempts at video hosting that are open to everyone. The only person I can think of who's heavily working on that is the guy behind Vidders.net who has a few different projects going.

For other hosting options, I'd see what AO3 currently has whitelisted for embedding. Two obvious ones are Critical Commons and Archive.org.

--

Broadly, yes, fanvids and AMVs have been subject to even more disastrous mass deletions than fanfic has, and far fewer of them have been saved by other fans because video files are huge.

Oldschool AMVs in the strict sense (i.e. Japanese anime and not Disney) are catalogued and sometimes hosted on animemusicvideos.org. Oldschool Media Fandom has some vidding archivists, and really old stuff was released on tape and then disc, and people still have their copies of those. But online-only fannish video stuff from the 00s and 10s has massive gaps in the historical record already.

Disney is quiescent now, but they haven't always been, and neither have other rights holders. Worse, a bunch of hosts vidders liked just up and deleted their entire sites, wiping out eras of videos and commentary.

Your stuff is in less danger than it would have been 10 years ago, as far as anyone can tell, but video is always in massive danger of disappearing.

--

If you actually succeed at video!AO3, more power to you! I'm just skeptical that you'll be up to the technical and financial challenge if you don't already know more than you currently do, you know?

Hosting video has, among other problems, the issue that people trading actual abuse materials will upload their videos to your service. Hosts often play whackamole with illegal and traumatizing content. I've known people whose jobs exposed them to this shit, and they were... not okay.

I guess you could make things slightly easier on yourself if you restricted video to cartoons only, but then you'd have the same issues amvs.org does where people who start as one kind of editor start working with other footage and keep trying to upload the wrong thing.

It's often not really viable to host unless you make everyone pay and/or you're authorizing a few dozen accounts of people you've vetted, not running a service just anyone can sign up for. Hosting a hundred videos for friends that you have reviewed and know to be fanvids/amvs is a lot easier than hosting enough stuff that you can't personally review it all.

If you or anyone else is interested in trying to start a site, I'd go check out the various writings by Denise (who runs Dreamwidth). She has some twitter threads and posts on enforcement and running a platform. I remember she talked about the tech people use to detect CSAM from known law enforcement databases.

I don't want to be a downer here, but there are serious legal implications to being the actual host as opposed to just running a discord or something on someone else's platform and reporting some fucker if they try to post illegal shit.

--

If I were you, I'd get my buddies together, embed all our works on AO3, and then maybe make a collection or tagging standards so we could find each other's stuff.

For hosting, I'd add the Internet Archive, Vimeo, Dropbox, Google Drive, etc. to Youtube and do a periodic audit of AO3 works to make sure links were still working.

AO3 already has a lot of tags that have been made filterable, like Fanvids, AMV, Video Format: Streaming, etc.

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Ch. 70-76

I guess anything I say here is a spoiler, so yeah, this is “Heart of Dreams”, “Relics”, “Heart of Iron”, and the arc “Finest Hour”.  Oh, and “Lunatic Dawn”.   Gotta lotta ground to cover.    Treacherous ground.

Not a whole lot to say about Anderson’s death.  He tried to become a monster using one of the Holy Nails from the True Cross, and then Alucard defeated him anyway, once Seras gave him a little help and a reason to go on living.   Alucard was pretty upset about Anderson’s demise, but Anderson says a few soothing words, and reminds him that Al only became a vampire because he couldn’t stand being a human, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense for him to cry now.  

So yeah, as determined as Anderson was to kill Alucard, he’s a pretty good sport about losing this fight, and he seems to genuinely pity the man.   He wonders how long Alucard will go on living with his regrets, and Al replies “Until my expansive future shatters my expansive past.”  So, if we want to take that literally, I guess he’s trying to find redemption by being a good guy to make up for his years as a bad guy.   Well, he’s been a vampire for 523 years, and a servant of Hellsing for 101 of those years, so I guess maybe he figures if he trucks along for another 321 years that’d balance the scales?  

And maybe I’m finally starting to appreciate some of the complexities of Alucard’s character.   The Team Four Star Abridged series spent some time on his desire for redemption, but I couldn’t tell if it was based on the original material or something they came up with for their own version.   For instance, the Abridged!Alucard rejected the forgiveness offered by God himself, but later Anderson spoke of his desire for redemption and Alucard didn’t dispute that.    It seemed contradictory to me at the time, but the manga does seem to support that.    As Vlad Tepes, he refused to ask God for anything, preferring instead to fight and drive himself and his followers to the limits of endurance and decency as proof of their faith.   

I find that idea heretical, because it suggests that a person can “earn” God’s favor, or God’s forgiveness, or a place in heaven.    Arguably, Anderson tried to do the same thing, but I think he was coming more from a place of doing zealous deeds out of gratitude for the Lord’s grace, rather than trying to earn anything he didn’t already have.  

The difference with Alucard is that he seemed to be really wrongheaded about his faith, trying to use violence to become a good person.   Then it didn’t work, and he became a vampire, devoted entirely to his own selfish desires, and I guess he’s spent the 20th Century realizing that he’s back where he started, trying to fight his way to redemption, only now he has centuries of red in his ledger instead of mere decades.   

Oh, anyway, while this is going on, Integra takes a sword and stands it upright so it looks like a cross to mark Anderson’s death.   It’s like this quiet sign of respect.   I’m not sure whose sword that is, but it looks like the one Alucard was using in his Dracula persona.   

Anyway, fuck all that, because Walter finally shows up and stomps the ashes of Anderson just as everyone was having their final farewell with the guy.  Rude.

Young Walter just looks kind of stupid to me.  Why is he still wearing the monocle?  He’s trying to be 14 and 69 at the same time and failing at both.

Seras asks what Millennium did to him, but Walter makes it clear that this isn’t some brainwashing trope.   He’s doing this of his own free will.

He also doesn’t consider himself loyal to Millennium.    They turned him into a vampire, but he’s doing this for himself, and he’s only cooperating with them because their goals are in alignment.  

Yumiko Takagi tries to kill Walter for... Was she mad at him for stomping on Anderson’s remains?    I mean, Alucard’s the one who actually killed Anderson, so shouldn’t she be mad at that guy? 

It doesn’t matter, because Walt just slices her into pieces with his magic filaments.    Now Heinkel Wolfe wants revenge, because she was her long-time partner in assassin stuff.   The TFS Abridged series implied that they were lovers, too, which seemed authentic at the time, but I’m not sure there’s any confirmation to be found in the manga itself. 

But before she can take the shot, the Captain shows up and shoots Heinkel in the face.    Like, through one cheek  and out the other, and the only thing saving her from serious injury was that she happened to have her mouth open at the time.  

Side note: I caught myself referring to Heinkel as “him”, which frustrates me because I’ve known she was a woman for like five years now.    When I first watched the OVA, I was confused, becuase I could tell it was a female voice actor, but maybe that just meant he was really young, like with Schrodinger.   But the Hellsing Wiki set me straight, or so I thought.    I didn’t think I’d still be making this mistake. 

On the other hand, Yumiko sometimes looks a lot like Goemon from Lupin III, so her wearing a nun’s habit isn’t as heteronormative as it might seem.  I’m getting off-track.

You’d think this would be leading up to some big double-team on the Hellsing group, now that the Iscariots are out of the picture, but the Captain’s only stopping Heinkel so Walter can have a clear shot at Alucard.    That’s the sole reason Walter turned traitor, you see.   He wants to fight Alucard and win, and for the last 55 years they’ve been on the same side.  

But is that all it is?   I never got to read or watch “Hellsing: The Dawn”, the prequel manga Kouta Hirano created after Hellsing.  I’ve heard that it never got finished, but also an anime adaptation was released with the home video release of Hellsing Ultimate Episode VIII.  All I really know about it was that there was this time where Alucard and Walter were fighting the Nazis, and the Captain showed up, and Alucard ran away because he didn’t think he could beat that dude. Presumably, he left Walter to fend for himself?   But all three of them survived until 1999, so I’m not sure what the outcome of that was.   I always wondered if Walter held a grudge over that.   But maybe I’m reaching. 

There’s also a suggestion of professional jealousy.  Walter was a rockstar vampire hunter in his youth, but he’s been overshadowed by Alucard, who is--let’s face it-- a living legend.  This would be doubly true in the 90′s, when Integra reawakened Alucard, and Walter having to step back even further from the spotlight.  The only way for him to reclaim his former glory would be to challenge the greatest of all vampires and win.    He’d go down in history as a traitor, but at least he’d be cemented as the absolute best.  

Or... or, you can go with the TFS version, where Walter hints at his motives, only for Alucard to take the wind out of his sails and announce “because you wanna fuck me!”   And I love that theory more than any other explanation, because it just brings everything together a lot more neatly.   I guess you don’t need Walter to have had a crush on Alucard for 55 years, but it’s a lot more compelling than revenge or professional jealousy.    Those things have weight, sure, but they work better as distractions, the things Walter might admit to because they hide the deeper reason that he can’t bring himself to say out loud.   

And it’s not entirely rejected by the manga.  Alucard remarks on how much more beautiful Walter looked in his old age, compared to this treasonous knockoff vampire look he’s sporting now.   The last time he spoke this way, it was when he flirted with Queen Elizabeth II.   The next time he does it, it’ll be with Sir Integra when she’s in her early 50′s.

Speaking of QE2, she’s safe and sound, because the Secret Service evacuated her to a fortified location in Dover before Millennium attacked.   If things get really hairy, they’re prepared to send her to Canada, and if London can’t be secured, they’ll nuke the whole city, though the Queen is certain that Integra and Alucard will win the day.  The vampires acting as Millennium agents outside of London are being contained and destroyed, so things seem to be getting under some semblance of control.  

However, the Royal Order of Protestant Knights, also known as the “Round Table” is down to just three surviving members.   Integra’s in London, but here we have Rob Walsh and Hugh Irons, reflecting on the death of their fellow Round Tabler, Penwood.  

This whole scene struck me as a complete non sequitur when I first saw it in the anime.  Walter’s betrayal seemed to sudden and poorly explained that it felt like the author was just winging it by this point, and now we have these two dudes struggling to provide some justification for the twist.    But reading this manga in 2021, I find that it makes a lot more sense.    We’ve already seen tons of Britons in rather lofty positions, all willing to sell out their principles for a chance to become a vampire.   Walter is no different from any of them.   It’s just more personal when he does it because we actually know the guy.  

But as Walsh discusses the utter debacle of this Millennium invasion, he deduces what we’ve just learned back in London.   There must have been a traitor in their ranks, because that’s the only way Millennium could have made it this far.   I mean, they just flew a bunch of giant blimps full of rockets right into British airspace.   That only worked because they had traitors sabotaging the U.K.’s defenses and communications, and Hellsing was especially vulnerable at the same time.  

The only thing Walsh can’t figure out is who the traitor was, since it had to be someone at the Round Table, but they’re all dead now, except for Integra, Irons, and himself. 

But Irons fills in the missing pieces.   It doesn’t have to have been one of the Round Table’s members, but someone close to one of the members.   Years ago, Irons warned Walter about Richard Hellsing.   Irons knew that when Arthur died, Richard would try to make a play for the Hellsing estate.   But when Irons’ fears came to pass, Walter wasn’t there.   It’s like he wanted things to play out the way they did.  

But why would Walter want events to play out that way?   On her own, Integra had no choice but to unseal Alucard to defend herself, and she’s kept Alucard active ever since.   And now, lo and behold, Walter reveals that he turned traitor just so he could take on Alucard.   It’s like he arranged for all of this to happen years in advance.   But how many years?    Fifty-five, Irons wonders.   

It’s never explicitly confirmed, but Irons’ reasoning makes too much sense to ignore.    Earlier, the Major said that he decided back in ‘44 that Walter “Angel of Death” Dornez would have been a good “get” for his side.    Now, Irons is suggesting that Walter might have agreed in the same year.   So maybe Walter and the Major made a secret agreement even then.   It’s possible that they might have done it later, but why not in 1944?

I mean, the whole backstory here is that Millennium is a continuation of a secret Nazi Vampire project that Walter and Alucard destroyed in 1944.   Except they didn’t destroy it at all, which sure makes Walter and Al seem very bad at their jobs, unless Walter let them escape and covered it up.

Meanwhile, the Captain tosses a first aid kit to Heinkel, kind of like he’s saying that he doesn’t want to kill Heinkel, but he can’t let her interfere either.   We’ll talk about the Captain later.

As for Alucard vs. Walter, Al wants to check with Integra before he goes through with it.   He asks for orders, repeating his big speech from when he killed all those cops in Brazil.    Yeah, Walter’s a traitor, but he’s been a close mentor and advisor to Integra for all these years.   Does she really want Alucard to killerize his ass?

Yes, she does.   If Walter stands against them, then he’s the enemy, and Integra has already ordered Alucard to destroy the enemy, no matter who (snif!) they may be.  Integra doesn’t relish this command, but she refuses to compromise over sentimental feelings.

Man, fuck you, Walter.  

Then the Major lands his airship near the battlefield and invites Integra to come aboard and fight all of his remaining guys.    Alucard orders Seras to join her while he deals with Walter.   I can appreciate Seras’ concern here, because the last time she watched Alucard fight alone, he took a flaming bayonet to the face.   She probably doesn’t care for Integra and Alucard splitting up like this.

Before she goes, she thanks Walter for all of his support, which disarms Walter for just a moment.   Man, fuck you, Walter.   Seras is so nice and grateful and polite and cool and you just go right ahead with your 55-years-in-the-making Nazi Vampire Jilted Lover scheme.  Fuck you, Walter.   You don’t deserve to be in Seras’ life.

So the gals go on board the airship and Schrodinger’s there and Integra just shoots him right between the eyes without bothering to slow down.    This is maybe my favorite Integra moment in this thing.    I sort of wish Kouta Hirano had done a spin-off of Integra and Seras doing cool shit like this for 30 years.

Alucard taunts Walter with the fact that he no longer gets to be a part of Inegra or Seras’ lives anymore.   It sounds kind of petty, but when you think about it, it’s a pretty sick burn.    Walter may have been planning this for 55 years, but he still had to live that double life, and it’s not like he can just say he was faking it the entire time.  

So they fight.   Walter’s magic wire powers seem to be amplified, either because of his restored youth or maybe the boost offered by vampire powers, or maybe he’s always been this strong but now he no longer needs to hold back anymore.  For instance, he can make mesh screens with his wires to deflect Alucard’s bullets.   And when Alucard summons that dog creature he used to dispatch Luke Valentine....

... Walter just bisects it with a flick of the wrist.   You really begin to see why he was “The Angel of Death” back in his heyday.  

I never understood what this dog familiar was supposed to be.   Walter refers to the Hound of the Baskervilles, but as far as I know that’s just a legend confined to the Sherlock Holmes novel of the same name.   But apparently that concept was based upon “black dog” folklore of the same region.  There’s a whole laundry list of “black dog” apparitions in Britain alone.   Black Shuck, Padfoot, Hairy Jack, Bizarro Snoopy, and so on.   So I’m not sure if Hirano is saying that Alucard was the source of these legends, or if they were all based on a single creature which Alucard eventually defeated and absorbed into himself.   

Al tries to use the Jackal to kill Walter, but that’s kind of stupid, since Walter designed the gun in the first place.   In the anime, I thought Walter somehow triggered a bomb he had planted inside it, but maybe he used his wires to make this happen.   It doesn’t really matter, because we already saw that the Casull was useless against Walter’s defenses, and not because it had smaller ammunition.  

Then Luke Valentine emerges from the black dog’s body.   This part never made any sense to me, but I loved how the Major recognized him, but barely.  “Oh yeah, it’s that guy from Volume 2!    The guy with the brother.”

The doctor suggests that when the dog was killed, this allowed Luke to reassert himself from inside the dog.   Something about a “control ratio”, whatever that is.  Like, he was absorbed into the dog’s mass, but now that the dog is no longer conscious, he can think for himself again.    Notably, only half of Luke actually makes it out .   It’s like he’s half-Luke, half dead dog monster. 

But before he can do anything else, Walter puts his wires into Luke and starts controlling him like a puppet, mostly so he can use the dog half to attack Alucard.

Alucard seems more impressed than threatened.   Keep in mind, Walter was doing pretty damn well against him early on.   You’ll notice Alucard’s missing his right arm along with one of his guns.   This is better than Anderson managed to do.   So why does Walter even need this Luke-dog puppet thing in the first place?

Well, it’s because Walter’s body is giving out on him.   Earlier, when the Doctor was performing the procedure to turn Walter into a vampire, he spoke about how rushed the operation was.  I mean, he had to finish the whole thing in one night, after all.   And Walter’s a lot more powerful than Dandyman, whom the Doctor considered his finest artificial vampire work.    So maybe Walter’s just too powerful for this, and he can’t sustain this form.   The Luke-dog-thing is just to keep Alucard busy while he coughs up blood.

The Major sees this development, and likens Walter to a high stakes gambler who’s mortgaged everything for a single hand at a high stakes table.   Walter’s risked everything just to tangle with Alucard, and it still isn’t enough.

Alucard does manage to finish off the dog-Luke thing, and this sets him up for Walter’s next attack, and then he goes to finish him off, so things seem to be going Walter’s way...

But Alucard used a decoy, disguising Luke’s severed torso as his own, all so he could sucker-punch Walter in the face.   As it turns out, Walter’s physical breakdown is making him younger, which amuses Al to no end.

So Alucard follow suits and assumes the form he once used when they fought the Nazis in 1944.   Yeah, say hello to “Girlycard”.   I’m not sure why Alucard looked like a 14-year-old girl during World War II.   I’ve heard this form described as a Japanese 14-year-old girl, and I can’t dispute it, but it also makes Girlycard seem even more random somehow.   

I mean, I guess the idea here was for Walter and Alucard to be able to move inconspicuously through enemy territory.  No one would suspect a couple of kids until it was too late.   I’m imagining a similar scenario to the ones presented in “Cross Fire”.   Heinkel and Yumi would play innocent bystanders, then whip out their guns and swords and go ham on the bad guys.    Knowing Hirano’s style, maybe Girlycard and Young Walter operated the same way.  

And this further supports the Walter-had-an-unrequited-crush-on-Alucard theory.   He might have understood that Girlycard was a disguise.  On an intellectual level he might have known, but maybe he still carried a torch, and told himself that there was some way that they could be together.   Was he just in love with this disguise, or does he love the real thing?  Alucard says that he told Walter the truth decades ago, and claims that this is the reason Walter turned traitor, so yeah, it sure feels like Walter couldn’t handle Alucard’s true nature, one way or another.   

I mean, let’s assume that this isn’t just about Alucard not being a cute girl.  Maybe Walter fell in love with Alucard in all his forms, whatever that means for his sexuality.    The bigger issue is that Alucard’s a vampire, and he’s just fundamentally different from Walter, and maybe that was the problem all along.   It’s interesting to think about, but the point here would be that there was some kind of problem, and Walter couldn’t let it go.

Meanwhile, Seras and Integra are busy looking like total BMFs.   Just HBIC’s.   What’s better than this?   Two gals bein’ pals.   

Hell yeah!

Bad ass!

The vampires on board this airship are happy to meet their doom, and Integra recalls what her father once told her about how vampires want to die on their own terms.   Seras doesn’t get it, because if they want to die so badly, they could have just died in the war they were already in fifty-odd years ago.  

So the Major gets on the PA system and explains to her that they want more than just a glorious death.   They want bigger, better, more perfect battlefield, so as to make their deaths as meaningful as possible.  That’s why I don’t understand that airship captain from a while back.   Everyone else in Millennium seemed to understand that they weren’t necessarily fighting to win. �� Britain is prepared to nuke London if they have to, so it’s hard to imagine anyone in Millennium surviving past today, even if they won.  

Anyway, as the Major explains all of this, the Captain appears before the gals.  It looks like he’s here to stop them, or is he?

[coastaldragon]

Dragon Diary 1/7/21

So...this is my resolution for the year.

I wanted to start a kin-related diary. I found myself missing how often I used to muse about myself and my experiences here, and have long since felt...detached from myself. Stuck in the loop of going through the motions of “human.”

A week late on my first entry, but so it goes.

These entries will just be flow-of-consciousness blabbles for the most part. I’ll talk about any kin-related thoughts I’ve had that day, how I’ve been feeling, how my otherkinity has affected my day, etc.

I have a lot of catching-up to do with you all, so the first few entries may seem disjointed and a little long. Lets get started. This is long. And a bit negative. But hopefully they won’t all be.

cw for death and drug mention and health talk like needles and stuff

I don’t quite remember why I dropped Tumblr like I did. I think I was getting annoyed at all the UI changes, and just overall very busy with “real life.” These things happen. I slowly drift away from a platform. Sometimes for weeks, months, or years in this case. Then I’ll drift back. Kind of like a scrap of wood on the waves.

In the time I’ve been gone life has been...interesting. The source of the stress that caused me to awaken in the first place is gone. He OD’d in...2014? 2015? Some time around there. My grasp of time is worse than ever.

We hadn’t even known he’d be using anything. Turned out he was stealing my late father’s remaining fentanyl supply. One of those guys who preys on widows like my mother. He lied about everything. His entire past as we knew it was a lie. And he was just leeching off of us.

It was...hard. I was the one who found his body upon getting home from work. My mother is still traumatized, even now. Even after all he did. She did love him.

I think all that hardened me quite a bit. And I’m sad for it. I’m still trying to soften myself again, but my trust has never been shattered like that before or since.

My now health is...poor. I had a great job working at an independent pack-and-mail sort of place for a few years. Very laid back, when the customers were nice. Helped me build a lot of strength and muscle. Quite enjoyed showing off by hefting 50lb boxes onto my shoulders. Helped me feel less weak in this squishy human body of mine.

But about...2 or 3 years ago [again, time is a myth to my brain] I woke up and my shoulders were just.

Locked.

It felt like someone had stuck paint spanners under my shoulder blades or something. Not only that, but I was weak. I barely had the strength in my arms to lift a half gallon of milk in the morning.

We thought I’d just hurt myself showing off, somehow. So we gave it some time. Took ibuprofen, used pain creams. Took a few days off work.

But it didn’t get better. It got painful. And the moreso. And moreso. And then my back began to have trouble as well. It was spreading. I felt...ill.

So. Doctors. Tests. More bloodwork than I’ve ever had in my entire life. [10 vials at once for one appt!]

My primary, who is a garbage person I never wish to see again, insisted it was just a sprain. Or something. Whatever. But I knew it wasn’t. My mother knew it wasn’t. Everyone I knew knew it wasn’t.

Specialist time! At the behest of my cousin, who has a litany of autoimmune disorders, we hooked up with a rheumatologist. Who I will call Dr.M. 

Dr.M is an angel on Earth. I am convinced of it. A full year he spent with me, ordering tests, trying treatments, working with me to figure out what the hell was going on. And we did. And what a mouthful it is.

Ankylosing spondylitis. No, it’s not a dinosaur. [Though I do think I’m ‘hearted for ankylosaurines...I don’t think it’s related lol!]

You can look it up if you like. But basically: My immune system is fucking crazy and attacks all the things. Most places describe it as being a lower spine disorder, and while that is certainly where its centralized in most folks, that’s not all it is.

For example mine is, obviously, centralized in my shoulders and upper back. But it does aaaaaaaaaaall sorts of crazy shit. Every day is different. Joint pain, exhaustion, GI trouble, stomach upset, lack of appetite, murderous migraines. The usual for an autoimmune illness. But also wacky shit like costochondritis [painful inflammation of the cartilage of the ribs], random organ inflammation like in my kidneys [not fun], lungs [I had a 3-month stint of chronic bronchitis last winter], and even my heart [very not fun.] Sometimes it likes to attack my “integumentary system” aka shit like my skin and hair meaning I’ll have weeks where my hair just. Sheds. Like a damn cat. It gets everywhere and w/ my long-ass quarantine hair it’s so annoying.

This attack dog immune system does mean it’s unlikely for me to catch little bugs like your common colds and stuff, which is appreciated. But it also likes to maul anything else it deems foreign. Like medication! I took Humira shots for a few months and had a “paradoxical reaction” aka it did the literal opposite of what it was meant to, because the injections pissed off my immune system so much it went scorched-earth on whatever it could. Mostly my thighs, since that’s where the injections were. I still get stabbing pain in them and it’s been over a year. [No, I don’t think I can sue Humira over this. Though I have discussed it w/ my Dr.]

This also means that if I do get sick, it’s bad news. Something strong and unique like COVID? Death. Deaaaaaaaaath. Would likely trigger something called a “cytokine storm” aka my immune system nukes everything and my organs die and so do I.

So guess whoooooooo’s been locked up at home for almost a full year now? :’)

I luckily am able to work from home, though it barely pays the bills, and my health has suffered from a lack of being able to Do Stuff I normally would.

As a result I decided to get back in touch with myself.

It started with Second Life, because of course it did. A new dragon avatar came out. Shiny and mesh and easy [by SL standards] to modify. So me and a few friends [some kin, some not] made a group for sharing stuff for the av and just hanging out. It’s fallen by the wayside unfortunately but those nights spent chilling in SL with a bunch of other dragons roaring and goofing off felt really really good.

And then I made a kin Twitter. [And found some exceptionally cool kinfolk in the process.] 

Then came Othercon the virtual otherkin convention and OtherConnect, the Discord spawned from the community that rapidly formed within the con. Othercon felt incredible. Panels and lectures about the history of otherkinity and alterhumanity and how we are today and rep in the media and just so! Much! Cool! Stuff! And tons of great kinfolk too! 

To not only be within a community but seeing others like me and speaking with them, not just typing back at words on a screen. It was...so very, very reaffirming. It felt like a second awakening almost. I wanted to cry for finally, truly not feeling alone.

And now I’m here. Because I need to be. Because something, deep down, is telling me I’m going to be needing myself sometime soon. So I’d better get started.

I hope I don’t drift away on the tide again. I’ve missed this site, worse for wear as it is.

But I’m a bit tired today. A nasty headache lingering from yesterday’s nastier flare up. Accursed cold fronts. I used to enjoy them but not so much these days. Ah well.

I know there wasn’t much kin talk in this first entry, but as I said, we had a lot of catching-up to do!

[oria-eska-misfits]

Misfits Chapter 2 Rough Draft

Art of Oria and Eska, the two heroines from my story Misfits, done by @cherryvunilla Vunilla on deviantart. See the original post here.

Once again I want to point out that this is an extremely rough draft. Much has changed and some scenes don’t even exist anymore. This is the last chapter I wrote the first time I tried to write this story and it’s unfinished too. I’ve since rewritten it from scratch. However, I wanted to share it anyway in case it sparks anybody’s interest and gets them interested in this tale that I’m trying to tell. Enjoy!

Synopsis | Chapter One

Oria awoke to a maid opening her blinds. The light from the street lights flowed in and lit the room a warm yellow.

Oria sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes with one hand.

               "Good morning miss. I've laid out a clean outfit for you," she said gesturing to the end of the bed.

A very fancy dress, much like the one Isbeil had worn the day before laid before her. It was white however and did not have a high stiff collar. Oria felt the fabric in her hands. It was so soft.

The maid helped Oria slip into the dress with ease and she put on a pair of white silk dress shoes.

               "We're washing the clothes you came in now."

Oria looked in the mirror and tied her hair to one side with a bow. She was amazed at how pretty she felt.

The maid led her to the dining room. As the approached she could hear Isbeil and Abhi speaking in in a tongue that she did not understand but recognized as Hindi.

As she entered the room she saw them sitting at a long dinning table. Abhi sat at the head of the table and Isbeil on his right hand side.

               "Ah, good morning Oria," Abhi greeted.

               "Good Morning," Oria greated.

Oria moved to the seat across from Isbeil and lifted her dress, careful not to sit on her bustle, as she sat.

               "This is a nice spread," Oria said eyeing the spread out in front, "I don't recognize any of these fruits though."

               "Try these, they taste like strawberries," Abhi said passing a tray of small orangy green fruits to her.

               "He's always going on about strawberries," Isbeil said as Oria accepted a few, "I think the reason he's most excited about us having contact with earth again, is that he'll be able to have all the foods that he grew up with.

               "Hush, you have no idea what you're missing dear. Tell her Oria."

               "Yeah, they're pretty delicious," Oria smiled endearingly.

Eska entered the room wearing a dress shirt, dress pants and a pair of brown boots.

               "Good morning sleeping beauty," Isbeil said.

               "Only because I get to see your face," Eska winked and plunked herself in the seat beside Isbeil.

               "Flatterer."

               "So Oria," Abhi began, "Now that we've all had some rest, tell me, what has happened on earth since we severed contact?"

               "Um well... it was 100 years ago during the second world war, right?"

               "Right."

               "When exactly did you loose contact?"

               "Right after they dropped them bomb on Hiroshima."

               "Okay, well, they dropped another one before the war was over. The allied forces won. There's no longer a royal line in Japan. They're a democracy now. Germany had it's army taken away for a while.

"A couple years later there was the cold war between the U.S and Russia. Everyone was afraid they'd nuke each other that the sky would be fill up with ash and dust. That never happened though.

               "Um, when I was 7 terrorists crashed two planes into the world trade center towers. A bunch of people died and they had to evacuate New York for a while. Then they sent a bunch of troops to the middle east and they're still fighting those wars unfortunately.

               "Other than that, cars have gotten faster, we put a man on the moon, a rover on mars and I think we even have a satelite outside of the solar system too.

               "Um... what else...? I think I'm blanking now sorry. Oh, and global warming! The atmosphere is warming up because of all the carbon emissions from cars and power plants and stuff. It's effecting the enviroment and all these different species are just dying off. There have been heat waves that kill tons of people, I think there was a sea that dried up too and it's putting a hole in the ozone layer."

               "That's insane. How is that possible? How do people allow that to continure?" Isbeil exclaimed.

               "I- I guess people are just too comfortable to care, or at least do anything about it," Oria replied.

               "I see that things still haven't calmed down," Abhi cut in, "Humanity has always been a passionate and fearsome race. Thank you dear for enlightening us. It was all very fascinating. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I've been away for that long at all, " he reminisced, "But so much has happened on both sides. Having you here is like having a little piece of home."

Oria's heart warmed a little.

               "Thank you. I'm glad."

               "Now my dear, would you tell us more of the reason why you're here."

Oria took a deep breath.

               "It's my mother," she began, "She has terminal lung cancer. The doctor has given her little more than a year to live."

               "That's quite serious," Abhi said solemnly.

Oria nodded and leaned forward.

               "But Eska's Uncle tells me that it's possible to cure her. It's just-"

               "The problem of getting her here," Abhi finished for her.

               "Yes, and I thought, since you were originally from earth, maybe you would have some experience with these kinds of things. That maybe you could help me."

Oria was speaking so fast but stopped when Abhi put his hand up and took hers.

               "Oria, I will help you in anyway I can," he said sincerely.

Oria smiled.

               "Thank you," she said with gratitude.

He let go of her hand.

               "We'll need to go to immigrations in the home world. Yours is a speccial case so I think things will go well. However, I don't want you to get your homes up too high. Home world is very by the book. We'll need very good lawyers to get you through the loop holes."

               "Lawyers?" Oria asked.

               "Oh yes, we're going to have to go through many court cases and get on the good side of many of politicians. Lucky for you I've already got that covered," he winked.

They finished breakfast and then prepared to depart. Isbeil helped Oria pick out a decorative sun hat, that had sashed that came down the side and tied under her chin, and a pair of white satin gloves that went up past her elbows. She also gave her a small coin purse which Oria put her phone, I.D, and some of her makeup in.

As Isbeil helped her accessorize they smiled and laughed and joked. Isbeil kept telling her how pretty she was and how much the clothes suited her. Oria felt really relaxed around her. Like they had been friends for years. But she guessed she was just on of those kinds of people.

When they got outside a carriage was waiting there. Eska was wearing a long trench coat that she left open. To her right Abhi looked very dapper in knee high boots and a long dark coat. He held the door open while the girls entered and followed them in. He signalled to the driver and they were on their way.

They drove slowly down the hill. At the bottom, rather than turning left or right, they did a 180 and turned into a small tunnel that Oria had not noticed the day before. Lanterns hung at the sides. THey lit the place up with yellow flickering light.

They were in the tunnel for no more than a minute when it let out into another part of the portal world. The houses there were still nice. Women of lower status walked the streets selling flowers, bread, milk and other goods.

They made their way down the street at a decent pace. Eventually they turned and began makinf their way to the closest wall of the cavern. Finally they made it to a slightly larger cave.

This one was lined with nicer, more advance lights. Oria didn't recognize the make but they almost looked fluorescent.

The tunnel was also lined with video frames that showed many sorts of ads for products that were unrecognizable and alien to her. As they moved down the tunnel suddenly the road was glassy looking and lit a pale green. It was transparent and showed lit blue wires like a microchip. It reminded her of Tron.

Soon the tunnel began to brighten as the pale glow of sunlight began to mix with the florescent lighting. Soon they exited the tunnel and Oria practically cried out when they were left hanging in mid air. However they did not fall and continued to hover as the carriage moved forward. Oria looked out the window at the wheels and saw that the air glowed green below them. She soon realized that the road was not gone but had just become transparent. She could tell it was still their by the slight sheen of light bouncing off of it.

She looked down and saw a grand city looming far below them. It was silver and white and far more advanced than any she had seen on earth. Vehicles flew through the air and more vehicles lined transparent roads below her.

               "Amazing," she breathed, too awestruck to say more.

Eska smiled over at her and Isbeil smirked.

They descended downwards slightly and soon came upon a moving platform. It took them down past the top of the highest buildings and soon Oria could measure their height in the amount of floors they went down. She counted 80 under her breath and still they were so high up in the sky. The buildings were enormous and impossibly wide to boot.

When they got off the moving platform they exited the carriage and got on to one of the flying vehicles that was waiting for them there. They took off into the sky and Oria white knuckled the seat.

She had flown once before in the helicopter that had taken her to the Toronto hospital after one bad self injury session she had when she was younger. She still remembered how her cheek stung and the pain in her mothers eyes after they had stitched her up and stabilized her. She had never done it again.

Soon the landed on a platform in front of the tallest building in the city. It was attached 10 stories down from the top of the building.

               "This is where the council is," Isbeil began, "Immigrations is located here too a few floors down."

They stepped out of the vehicle onto the shiny white floor. It pulsed bright like where her feet applied pressure. She almost felt like she was in heaven.

They walked towards the building though the beautiful park and garden that surrounded them. There was a sitting area and a fountain and even a playground that had been taken over by small children from races she had yet to know.

The walked through large grand glass like doors that needn't part but one could simply phase through. The technological advancements stunned Oria. She hadn't the words to describe the complete awe she was feeling.

The room that they were in had a high ceiling like a stadium and many booths lined that walls that could be reached by more floating platforms. A long line trailed from a large reception desk at the front of the room.

They walked past all this and reached a grand staircase in the center of the room. The descended and walked down a long hallway along the side of the building that was lined with a large window that spanned the length of it. At the end they reached an elevator that spanned the length of a full room. They went down 20 floors and exited into a smaller but no less grand room than the one before.

They were greeted by a woman in full business attire there.

               "Welcome Sir Rana. What can I help you with today?"

               "Immigrations business," he replied, "I'd like to speak with Vito if at all possible."

               "Certainly Sir, right this way," she lead them down a hallway and spoke on an ear piece as she did.

               "He's just finishing a meeting right now, he'll be with you shortly," she said as they approached their destination, a small waiting room.

               "If you would please take a seat," she said gesturing to the couches and coffee table.

               "Thank you," Abhi said.

She bowed slightly. She left for a minute and returned with a tray of tea. She place tea cups and saucers down in front of them all. She served them all tea and bowed again before leaving.

They waited no more than five minutes before Vito entered the room with his personal assistant. They were both the same kind of humanoid creature as Jules and the woman in the painting back at the mansion.

Abhi and Isbeil rose so Oria did too. Slowly Eska did as well. It was apparent that she didn't care for the mannerisms of the high class.

               "Good to see you again friend," Vito said as he shook Abhi's hand.

               "And it's good to see you."

Isbeil stepped forward.

               "Hello Vito," she said grasping his hand, "These are my friends Eska and Oria," she gestured to the pair.

               "Nice to meet you both," he nodded first shaking Eska's hand and then Oria's.

"So Abhi, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" Vito asked. "It's a matter of great import," he replied.

And that’s all I wrote of Chapter 2! I hope you enjoyed. Here are some bits that I had on the end of the file that I wrote down that happen later in the story.  

About him paying a lot to fast track her case- "My dear, I have so much money, I don't know what to do with it all." (When she thanks him)

 "This is my idiot brother" "Is that any way to treat your older brother?" "By five minutes." "And I'll never let you forget it!" "Isn't that my line?

 "These are my best friends," Oria said showing her a picture on her phone, "Jamal, Peter and Nina. I go to school with Jamal and Nina, and I met Peter at ballet lessons when we were little.

“Who’s that?” Eska asked as she scrolled past a picture of her ex.

“Oh- that’s Hwan.”

Eska seemed to notice the briskness of her answer and side-glanced at her as she continued to go through pictures.

“And these are my three little cousins Cara, Steebeth and Vea.”

“Aw they’re adorable little runts.”

Oria chuckled.

  "Tell me something that I don't know about you" "I sang in a choir when I was a child." "Really? I can't see you doing that" "I'm full of surprises" "Sing me something," Oria requested. Eska tucked a strand of hair behind Oria's ear. "Are you going to Scarborough FairParsley, sage, rosemary and thyme Remember me to one who lives thereShe once was a true love of mine....."

Scarborough Fair is just a placeholder song until I can think of some lyrics of my own.

My Main Tumblr | Buy me a coffee

[vio1315]

Copy and pasting what I sent to my friend this morning about a dream I had

(Took me 50 minutes to write apparently ha)

” I had a dream with you, oh myy goodness. It was so stupid detailed So I got a call from the job who fired me and they were willing to rehire me, and you decided to ?? Come with me ?? or something (I don't remember what you wanted to do) But you could drive so we were going separate, and I was right behind you all the wway sown [road near my home]. We had a lot of times where we could have separated or passed, but chose not to and had a good time. [It was summer?? There were palm trees??] (Your car could jump like in Mario Kart despite being a real car, and you kept doing it and I got upset cuz I didn't want you to get pulled over) We stopped at a mall and watched a movie in the theater. I don't remember tons about that, but we used a vending machine afterwards, and there was something important about it. So we continue down [That road], but it's entirely wooded and not at all developed, except for this one building. (Irl it's a little past Taco Bell) And we stop there. I check my phone and see that it's 3PM and I was supposed to be there at 8am. You feel bad but I'm like 'nah, I'll tell them I thought they told me to come in tomorrow?' Even though they didn't even text/call. (At one point I say 'I'll say I thought they meant Renaissance, not medival' to express this

so I ask you if you want to go to the gas station because it has a Taco Bell in it (this was vivid. I had my arm propped up on the pole to the overhang, and was resting my forehead in the crook of it while thinking) And you felt bad for me and were just 'No...' You mentioned that the gas station didn't used to be there like even a month ago, let alone a Subway, it was all woods. And I was like 'weird, I ate at this Subway a bit ago' (and I actually did earlier in the dream, but that's all I remember) (Yeah the dream only called it a Taco Bell once, but it was Subway the rest of the time. Not just in name onl either) And you went to your job interview inside. At this point in time, idk who interviewed you, but it was an?? Animal? But pokemon ish Def legendary vibes (And it cut away to Doug an Scott Walker and us eating at a Subwaay and it was the best thing we'd ever experienced? And it was the Taco Bell gas station, but Subway now and in the middle of a beautiful town. My mom mentioned that there was no Subway there, but she was in our living room, and I don't know if it was even a phonecall or not)

Anyways, so they tell you they wanna hire you like right then and there, and so you start training. There's one other girl with you in the gas station in the Subway segment. It has a few desks and chairs, and the legendary has a teachers pointer while a video plays on an old TV which is mounted above where the Subway and gas station connect. (The Subway has Nothing, no signs/decoration/food, and the gas station does have shelves but they are all empty. Nobody is at eiither but you three. But it's so glossed over I didn't nnotice in dream. Though "I" was still outside.) And you're shown an overhead map of the gas station with surounding woods on  the TV, and its pointed to, and explained that long ago there was a ?? fire or something which destroyed the front of the store (I forget this part exactly) but then not long after a nuke was dropped on it, so the whole building was wiped out, and the surrounding forest took over again before they rebuilt. (The map kept up to date with all this ye) 

WHile this was being explained, irl me/narrator me vaguely wondered at the importance of this kind of training, ultimately deciding it was useful to know the place you work fors history, in case a customer has questions.So you have the job and the legendary just ?? Adopts you. I don't remember how it was decided, or if you had a choice, but you were happy about it. Outside I was stressing about commission stuff and how to balance it with the new-old job, assuming I kept it after such a day 1 blunder. 

Your new mom starts showing you around the house which has replaced the Subway, but also hasn't. Because at one point we're like 'when did this gas station get stain glass windows?' and the two slowly morphed, or grew from each other. It is still refered to as a Subway after this, and /sometimes/ the inside is still the empty Subway. But you follow your new mom outside and around the now cathedral-y building and up some new stairs which lead to a deck and back inside. I'm reflecting on how I even ate at this Subway when it didn't exist a month ago. (I think this happened during training but I forget. They let you and the girl (and I was there for this bit) decide on a logo for the Subway, since they are renting it and so can decide their own details)

And so we're all discussing it, but legendary-mom is like 'no you're right, we have to go in a new direction' and I predicted th one she'd pick, because I swore I saw it at the Subway I ate at back when it wasn't supposed to exist, and I was right, she picked that logo. Dream me is very suspicous. 

 Anyways so you go up the stairs and are shown around. You meet the dad and two other ??? people??? who will be your siblings. Everyone's really cool. You come tell me goodbye, and I'm happy for you, and we discuss life plans and our next meetup a bit. I seem to realize that lying is a sin, so I can't tell my employer I got the day wrong, and I decide to pray about what to do, thinking I'll be fired again. So I leave conflicted. 

You go back with your new family and take pictures of the outside of the place at your new brothers request. You notice the lights turn on inside as it gets darker, and this spooks you for some reason. It's all stain glass though so it looks cool. You see your sibs walking in the hall, casting shadows. The mom says something that you hear. Eventually you decide it's too dark to keep taking pictures and go inside. 

When you do there's a giant glowy portal which looks like a Halloweentown effect kind of. Red is the dominant color though. A giant creature comes out which looks mildly like the X legendary [Xerneas], but real, plain horns and more realistic legs. (But it's blue and glowy and impressive feeling. The horns especially /feel/ glowy. As the lighting gets more intense, they especially look red) Honestly the visuals get crazy weird and reminds me of Thumper a bit.

I think this startles you and you think you're being chased or ?? Anyways you get spooked and skedaddle. I forget how, but you realize there were 3 possible ways to get to that scene, and somehow you're able to play another, where instead of going throgh the front to an interview, you go to the back door where you get adopted faster and so get to bond more with your siblings before this. I forget the bonding scenes but they were really good and you ended up liking them a lot by the time you were done. 

So you're back at the scene where this creature jumps out at you, but this time you notice something off, and see your adoptive mom hanging out, who by now looks veery like this new creature. And you're a little confused, but then you see the creature coming again, but this time it has subtitles, and you realize you're lookin at a TV screen, and you keep trying to look at your new family who is by you, trying to convince you it's Really Real despite how they don't know how to turn off the subtitles. (This all has a playful mood now, like a 7 year old failing at a prank) 

You realize your dad looks a lot like the creature but smaller, and so figure out it's just been them basically. It then cuts to you going to sleep at this new house, and despite its size, you're laying on the ground by the bedroom door (there is a bed right next to you. This whole room, bed included is pink. It has some bows on it) Your new brother is laying by you, and in between you is a tiny doll cradle. In the cradle is an egg the size of your head, pink, and with an actual face. This is your mom. Dream decided this is just who she is now.

You guys discuss stuff but I forget what. You deecide you like being adopted though and are happy. You leave the room, and it plays the scene with the giant creature even though you're not over there, but you notice puppet strings now, and soon it's a photorealistic muppet show (none of my dreams have a realistic aethstetic, they usually appear at least a little bit drawn, so this is especially weird looking. All the muppets are giant) You watch, kind of acting in on it by now, like you get what this is. You figured it out. 

It cuts to a sun mascot who laughs at a groaning audience, as this audience also figured it out. He laughs a really dumb kids show laugh and is like 'don't be mad at us! Now you can rewatch and look for clues!' [I swear to you it’s the Raisin Bran mascot]

Then it cuts to me, Doug and Scott Walker outside of the town-Subway we were in earlier. We're walking around the back. We were discussing how amazing that Subway was, and how it was the best food we'd had in our lives, but now we see the whole town was a computer 3D model (shown by seeing it unrendered on a computer. [a really oldschool computer too] Forget if it appeared that way irl or not while we were walking around it) 

Scott is kindaa laughing but goes 'DANG IT! That was all from my mind! That's why it was so good!' And we all have a good laugh. And that's about where the dream ends

There was the stuff that came before which is majorly blurry. Basically I was following my dad around at a party, and I'd see some woman who was gonna try to stab someone, and I would jump in to stop them way before they could do any harm, and my dad never noticed, though I sometimes needed help 

A lot of times I was a cat at these times, and thinking back to these human memories, in order to help me know how to take down evil cats for my clan (very warrior cats)

Oh yeah, the dream ended with my sitting by a car repair, studying the logo (which I thought sucked) and stressing about going back to the job

[thepokyone]

Spinning

Pairing: Loki x Reader (ft. Jane, Darcy, and Thor)

Content/Warnings: humor; some fluff/angst

Words: 2478

A/N: Weeellll this turned out way longer than expected. Tons of buildup, dramatic Loki, this fic has it all. Probably one I’ll end up continuing, but don’t quote me on that. It was a request from @alexisbeck23 for 17. You have a compass on your body that leads you to where your soulmate is.

Part 2

Your compass had always spun. Directionless, pointless, useless - you knew what it meant when someone didn’t have a functioning soulmate compass. It meant that they didn’t have a soulmate. It was rare, sure, but not unheard of. There was even a foundation created for those with non-functioning compasses, in order to give them a chance of marriage and a somewhat normal life. While the rest of your friends went on trips, tracking down their soulmates once they graduated high school, you stayed behind and went to college earlier than normal.

A few years after you graduated college, you considered joining the Directionless Foundation in order to find someone who you may want to settle down with. Your parents had encouraged you to do so for years, pity in their eyes whenever anyone discussed soulmates around you. You hated it. You weren’t sick, or stupid, or anything of the sort - you just didn’t have a soulmate! People could live without one, but you would have thought differently from the looks your parents gave you. You were on the edge of deciding to join the foundation when the most unlikely thing happened - your compass locked.

You happened to glanced down at it when it happened. One moment it was spinning uselessly, and the next, it stilled, pointing off to your left. You were frozen, staring down at the compass with your jaw unhinged. Of one thing you were certain - no one who was directionless ever, ever got another soulmate. That was just how it worked. Next thing you knew, you were calling one of your best friends, Darcy Lewis.

“Hey dude, what’s up?” She greeted lazily.

“My compass locked,” You said numbly, still in shock.

“That’s cool, I - what?” Darcy stopped midsentence after realizing what you had said. “That’s impossible! Let me ask Jane, hold on. JANE!” You winced and pulled the phone away from your ear. “Is it theoretically possible for a directionless compass to lock?”

There was an indistinct reply from the astrophysicist, and you glanced back down at your compass, which was still pointed steadily northwest. “Well? What did she say?”

“I’m putting her on, hold tight for a sec,” She said.

Jane’s voice filled your ear. “So it’s true? Your compass just randomly locked?”

“Yeah,” You confirmed, and you couldn’t help but be relieved. “But it should be impossible.”

“It should be, but it isn’t,” Jane said.

“How do you know?”

“Because the same thing happened to me. With Thor,” She told you. “Apparently, your soulmate can be from a realm other than Earth.”

“You never told me Thor was your soulmate!” You exclaimed. You hadn’t been around to meet Thor, but you had heard all about it afterward from Darcy. “But basically, what you’re telling me, is my soulmate has always been alive, but not on Earth, which is why my compass has never pointed anywhere?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Jane confirmed.

“I have to follow it, then!” You exclaimed. You hadn’t felt this excited since, well, ever.

“I’ll join you, yo!” You heard Darcy yell in the background. “We’ll go find your soulmate, aka Asgard’s next top model!”

“We don’t even know if he’s from Asgard, Darce,” You said, rolling your eyes fondly.

“Yeah, but he could be,” She retorted.

Unfortunately, you didn’t get a chance to find out. The next few days were total insanity - aliens attacked New York, which almost got nuked if not for Iron Man, and your compass started spinning aimlessly once more. You were incredibly frustrated, to say the least. You found out you had a soulmate, but he had left before you had a chance to track him down. At the very least, it made people realize there were other civilizations out there. It made you wonder how many people that were part of the Directionless Foundation had soulmates that lived in different realms.

“It’s only a matter of time before your soulmate comes back,” Darcy told you. “I mean, he can’t stay away forever, right?”

“Right,” You agreed with a nod. Inwardly, you hoped she was right.  A little over a year later, your compass locked again. You called her the moment you noticed. “Well Darcy, you were right.”

“Of course I was, it’s me,” She said, and you could hear her smile over the phone. “What was I right about?”

“He’s back,” You reported.

“Well, go get him, girl!” She explained. “I think Thor is around too, he dropped by a few days ago. Still all muscle-y and stuff.”

You grinned and shook your head despite the fact that she couldn’t see the action. “I’m sure. Can you find out if there’s any Asgardians or otherwise besides Thor here right now?”

“Sure thing, dude. I’ll call you later once I find out. Have fun chasing your dream guy. Later.”

“Bye,” You said, ending the call with a smile still on your face. You stared down at your compass, which was currently facing northeast. “Who are you?” You murmured. Making up your mind, you pulled together a suitcase with the full intent of tracking down your soulmate. You shot Darcy a text with your plan, telling her she was free to meet up and join you if she wished, and you were off. Your mysterious, thought-to-be-nonexistent soulmate would not be so anymore. Not on your watch, at least.

Both Darcy and Jane decided to come along with you on your quest to find your maybe-Asgardian soulmate. “Thor mentioned he brought Loki to stay with the Avengers for a while,” Jane informed you, “but that’s the only other Asgardian I know of that is here right now. I can check again, if you want.”

“It doesn’t matter,” You said with a wave of your hand, eyes constantly darting towards your compass to make sure you were going in the right direction. “Either way, I’m going to track him down and ask him where the hell he’s been this whole time.”

“I’m pretty sure the answer will be something along the lines of ‘not on Earth’, but I could be wrong,” Darcy stated unhelpfully.

“Jane, smack Darcy for me, would you?”

Jane grinned, smacking her friend on the arm. Darcy scowled and rubbed where she had been hit. “Ow! What was that for?”

“For having a point,” You grumbled.

After many unhealthy snacks, bickering, and wrong turns later, you finally got the distinct feeling you were growing close to your soulmate. The needle on your compass was pointed steadily forward as you drove. Darcy was in the backseat, snoring lightly, and Jane was reading a book. The New York skyline emerged out of the horizon, and you just knew that was where he was. You didn’t know why you knew that, or how, but you knew you were right.

Jane seemed to sense your growing excitement, since she glanced over at you curiously. “You think we’re getting close?”

“I’m sure of it,” You said with a nod. “My soulmate is in New York, I just know it.”

“Do you know what you’re going to say once you meet him?” She asked you, bookmarking her page and shutting her book.

“I haven’t thought about it too much, to be honest. I’ve been too preoccupied with the fact that I have a soulmate at all,” You divulged, switching lanes on the highway. “But I imagine it’ll be something along the lines of ‘and where the hell have you been?’. At least, that’s how I imagine it going down in my head.”

Jane giggled at you before sobering. “What are you going to do if it turns out to be Loki? I mean, after he attacked New York and tried to take over the world, how would you even go about facing a soulmate like that?”

The thought had crossed your mind. What happened if your soulmate was Loki, the god of mischief and lies who had caused countless deaths? The romantic part of you said it would all work out in the end, but you knew that wasn’t necessarily true. Just because everyone had a soulmate didn’t mean that everyone deserved one. “I don’t know,” You said quietly.

“Well, we’ll figure it out, right?” Darcy’s voice startled you, causing you to jump slightly. You saw her grin sheepishly through the rearview mirror. “Sorry.”

The farther you ventured into New York, the more you started to think that maybe Jane was right about the whole Loki thing. If he and Thor really were the only individuals here from another realm, it was the only possible conclusion. The thought of Loki didn’t even scare you, and perhaps that was the most disconcerting thing of all.

“There’s Stark Tower!” Darcy exclaimed, leaning forward to point out the large building looming in the sky. Your eyes flicked down to your wrist. The compass was pointing straight to it. It really hadn’t moved all that much the whole trip, which was sort of odd. “Has Thor ever taken you on a tour of the place, Jane?”

“No, but he’s not here very often,” Jane said. “Though he did mention when I last saw him that he’d love to show me around sometime.”

“And did you accept?” You asked curiously.

She shrugged. “I told him it depended on if work would allow me to. Really, though, it was because I was nervous about the rest of the Avengers would think of me.”

“They’ll love you!” Darcy said. “I’m convinced. You’re like, this awesome geek girl, and who doesn’t love that? I say we stop by once we’ve located Y/N’s dream dude.”

“Alright,” Jane said, glancing at you for a confirming nod. “It does sound like it would be fun.”

You continued driving, hearing the blood pounding through your ears and the nervousness twist in your stomach as you grew closer to Stark Tower, the huge building looming practically straight above you. You drove around the block, watching your compass follow the building, and you knew it was the right place. “We’ll have to walk from here,” You reported to your friends, finding a space to park.

“Alright, we’re almost there!” Darcy said. “How are you feeling? Excited? Nervous?”

“Like I need a paper bag,” You provided. “I know where we’re going.”

“Awesome, where?” Darcy asked.

Jane pointed up, answering before you could. She knew, of course. She was just perceptive like that. “Stark Tower.”

It was surprisingly easy to get in. The receptionist seemed to recognize Jane, gave the three of you passes, and the three of you were on your way. “Alright, where to now?” Darcy asked.

“We go up,” You decided.

“JANE!” A man wearing armor and a red cape bellowed. He was carrying a hammer, and you accurately assumed this was Thor. “And Darcy! You didn’t tell me you were coming!”

Darcy gave him a lazy smile. “Surprise, space man.”

“Oh, it is good to see you,” He said happily. You liked him almost immediately. Thor’s gaze swiveled curiously towards you. “And who is this?”

“Oh, this is one of my best friends, Y/N Y/L/N,” Jane told him. “Remember?”

“Oh, I remember you telling me about her!” Thor said. “It is an honor to meet another one of Jane’s friends. I am Thor.”

“I deduced as much,” You told him with a smile.

“Come! I’ll give you a tour!” He told the three of you, waving you towards the elevator.

Thor took you everywhere, from the common room where a few of the Avengers were lounging (namely Hawkeye and the Black Widow, who merely tossed you curious glances before returning to their conversation) to the kitchen, to the lab, where a curly haired scientist and Tony Stark were working. Every so often your compass would spin slightly.

“Thor,” Jane said innocently, “didn’t you mention your brother Loki would be staying here?”

“Yes, Loki arrive a few days ago,” Thor said somberly. “Father banished him here in order to teach him about the world he wished to enslave. Merely another form of punishment for his crimes against Earth. He hasn’t left his dwellings since he arrived.”

“Could we meet him?” Jane asked, batting her eyes in a way that very few people could resist. “I mean, it would be so interesting to meet another Asgardian, and I’ve always been curious about your brother.”

“I suppose,” Thor said slowly. “It couldn’t hurt. Follow me.”

He lead the three of you back to the elevator, going up a couple floors and giving a soft ding once it had arrived. It slid open to reveal a hallway with two doors on either side, which Thor explained held his room and his brother’s. He politely knocked on the right side door.

“Go away, Thor!” Came a muffled voice from the other side.

“Brother, I come with guests! Namely Lady Jane, and two of her friends,” Thor said. No answer. “Brother, if you do not open the door, I will -”

“You will what, Thor?” The door swung open, revealing a man in green and gold armor. His hair was jet black and shoulder length, and his eyes glittered with irritation and mischief. “Knock down my door, again? That’s really getting old, you know.” You didn’t like how much you loved the sound of his voice. Discreetly, you glanced down. Your compass was pointed straight at him. Loki’s eyes hesitated curiously on you, as if he was trying to work out something, before he waved you in. “I suppose there’s no getting rid of you now, so you might as well come in.”

“Is it him?” Darcy hissed in your ear, the two of you trailing slightly behind.

“Yes,” You whispered back.

She nudged you with an elbow. “What did I tell you? Asgard’s next top model.”

“Darcy,” You groaned quietly.

“What? He may be the bad guy, but you have to admit he’s hot,” She said.

“I’d appreciate that, if it didn’t come from a Midgardian such as yourself,” Loki drawled.

You crossed your arms and tossed him a glare for insulting your friend. “Which means what, exactly?”

Again, his gaze landed on you, both irritated and curious. “Quite simply, humans are not worth my time.”

“I’m sorry, who was it that won in New York, again?” You retorted.

Thor tensed, but Loki looked amused rather than angry. “You have heart, then. Good. We’ll get along just fine.”

“Brother…” Thor growled.

“Relax, Thor, I mean nothing ill by the comment,” Loki said smoothly. “I’m not going to harm her. After all, why would I do such a thing to my soulmate, Midgardian or not?”

“Soulmate?” The thunder god repeated incredulously. “Loki, if this is another one of your tricks -”

“I assure you, it is not. After all, everyone has one. Even me.” With that, he pulled up his sleeve, revealing a compass, whose needle was pointed straight at you.

Tag List: @alittlebitofmagic @bluebird214 @ldyhawkeye

[aion-rsa]

From Le Carré to Artificial Intelligence — The Inspirations of When the Sparrow Falls

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What if human consciousness could be digitized? Would the digital version still be human, or would it be a meaningless string of data that no longer has a soul? In Neil Sharpson’s When the Sparrow Falls, the Caspian Republic is the last holdout nation of natural born humans. There, the populace refuses to submit to the Machine, believing that neither digital humans nor AI have souls. Unfortunately, the Caspian Republic is also a totalitarian nightmare of a nation, where not one but two police organizations could come for you in the night, and you’d never be seen again.

Nikolai South, whose first-person narration leads readers through this strange future, is an agent for State Security (StaSec, or The Old Man). When he’s called in to the office of the Deputy Director, he believes it’s the end: though he’s stayed under the radar of both the State and Party Security (ParSec, or The Bastards) for more than twenty years, he’s finally done something to get himself killed. Instead, he’s given a new assignment. Popular Party writer and anti-Machine scribe Paulo Xirau has been outed as an AI, and his wife—also an AI—has been given honorary human status to identify Xirau’s remains. South is to be her babysitter and bodyguard during her visit, which is, very likely, just a very fancy way for StaSec to hand him his death sentence after all. Even worse, when Lily Xirau arrives, the clone she uses for a body is the spitting image of South’s dead wife, whose death sent South into a spiral of depression that’s held him in the same position in StaSec for the last twenty years.

South’s voice is reminiscent of a protagonist from Kafka: he’s one soul in a nation out to get him. But unlike K, he has a pretty good idea of what’s going on, and why, and his cynicism wars with the internal voice of the Good Brother, who reminds him of why he should rejoice in the successes of both the State and the Party. He’s also clever enough to realize that Xirau’s death, Lily’s arrival, and the work of Needleman Yozhik, a criminal responsible behind a ring of illegal consciousness transfers—contrans—in the Caspian Republic, are all connected. But like any good spy mystery, it’s not in the most obvious way, and the stakes of the case keep changing around South as past events come back to haunt him.

The novel is taught and intense, with hints seeded so stealthily that the big reveals (and, with the twists, there are a few) give a feeling of both surprise and inevitability. It’s hard to believe that the project, with its philosophical deep discussion of human souls and its ever-shifting spy narrative, began life as a stage play.

“I’d been tinkering with the play on and off for around six or seven years by [2017],” Sharpson explains to Den of Geek, “and when I finally finished it everyone I showed it to had more or less the same reaction: ‘Why are you doing a dense sci-fi story with tons of world-building for stage. You twit.’” While his friends may have been critics, the play looked like it would do well, and Sharpson didn’t feel he had the time to turn it into a novel. Then disaster struck: “I had two massive opportunities (a commission from the national theatre and a greenlight from the state broadcaster) both go up in smoke. In the same month,” Sharpson says. “I very briefly became suicidal and I realised that I had to divorce my sense of self worth from how well my writing was doing. So I started to write Sparrow (or The Caspian Sea, as it was then called) as a form of self-therapy. It was just so I could write something where I could say ‘I don’t care if this never gets published or if anyone even knows I wrote it. I’ll know, and that’ll be enough.’”

Despite his initial reluctance, the process of writing the novel “was a dream,” he says. “All the hard work had already been done, the story structure, themes, etc. were mostly already there. So it was literally the process of writing a book where you only have to do the fun stuff like expanding on the lore and fleshing out the characters. Writing the play took years. Writing the book took me from November 2017 to February 2018.”

Though the atmosphere may be reminiscent of Kafka, Sharpson drew on other inspirations as he built the world, particularly the film 2011 Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy starring Gary Oldman. “1984 obviously was another huge influence,” Sharpson says. “Writing a future dystopia that’s not influenced by Orwell is kind of like writing high fantasy that owes no debt to Tolkien.” But one of the other inspirations for the story came out of history, in the figure of “Stanislav Petrov, the Soviet Air Officer who deliberately ignored what his system told him was an incoming American nuke and thereby may have saved the entire world,” Sharpson recalls. “I was very taken by the idea of a hero who is heroic not because he’s a man of action but because he refuses to act.”

The idea of consciousness transfers has both the shiny glow of a new technology—and the feeling of limitless possibility that a digital world inspires—and an air of menace. In part, that’s due to the distrust of the Caspian Republic toward the Machine, but Sharpson also gives hints about how things operate in the rest of the world with asides at the beginning of each chapter. In one, a U.S. politician explains a move from being opposed to building a super-intelligent AI to realizing that the U.S. must do it, if only to keep up with China.

“I’m every bit as worried as I was five years ago, if not more so,” says Sharpson. “But where we are now, asking ‘Should we create super intelligent AIs?’ is like asking if we should be using protection while we’re going into labor. The question is pretty moot. The baby is here. China has uncorked the bottle and let the genie out and the results speak for themselves.” Another is a clone-suit advertisement from a Tehran company, geared toward “female-identifying intelligences looking to add some Asian glamour to a romantic getaway in the physical realm”—which shows that racist stereotyping remains healthy and well, regardless of how post-human consciousness wants to believe it has become.

Still, in a world where contran is possible, where humanity has unlimited potential through the digital space, why set the story inside the anti-Machine territory, where the possibilities wouldn’t be explored? Sharpson explains that it came from wanting to write a Cold War thriller. “I was terrified of getting the historical details wrong,” Sharpson admits, “so I reasoned that if I created my own nation with its own history, I would be able to tell the story I wanted without getting irate emails from people who were living in East Berlin in the seventies. As I was writing, the real world was trundling along and it became a story of the world today but imagined as a cold war; Caspian is a country for people who are afraid of the future and have retreated into a nation built on nostalgia for the past.”

As for the potential in contran, Sharpson remains reserved when asked if he’d try it himself. “In the world of the book, there are two competing views on contran: The Machine World view is that you are still ‘you’ after you have been contranned. The Caspians, however, see contran as a genocice occurring in plain view,” he explains. “People are being contranned, their souls destroyed and being replaced by a highly sophisticated AI simulacrum. They view this as the AIs way of eradicating mankind. Now, as the author of the book, I know this isn’t the case. But if someone were to come up to me in real life and offer me contran I would have no way of knowing if it was on the up and up. In fact, given the inscrutable nature of human consciousness, the Caspian position would seem far, far more probable. I’d be tempted, no question, but I don’t know if I’d consider it worth the risk.”

Though the science as presented in the book makes the idea of a digital transfer of humanity seem not only probable, but an inevitable result of the growth of AI technology, Sharpson says the experts he conferred with told him “contran is flat out impossible. It’s digitising human consciousness, and we fundamentally don’t understand what that is, let alone how to render it as data,” he says. He got around that impossibility by saying “we (humans) didn’t figure out contran, we created impossibly intelligent AI and they figured it out for us. Which is really the whole meat of the setting: the AI passed us by.”

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Though the novel concludes quite definitively, with perhaps one lingering question about the whereabouts of a character, the questions it opens up remain interesting to play with after putting the book down. What would it be like to live in an all digital realm? If you left your body behind, would you still be you? And what would that say about the nature of the soul? The post-humanity conceits in the story, and the very grounded dystopia that comes from trying to live in the past, work together to create a sense of hope, that despite the regrets of the past, there is a future. It might be terrible and glorious at once, but it’s there, waiting for us to enter it.

When the Sparrow Falls hits bookshelves on June 29th. You can order the book here.

The post From Le Carré to Artificial Intelligence — The Inspirations of When the Sparrow Falls appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[mittensmorgul]

I'm shook. Dean actually admitted that Chuck doesn't care, that Chuck just left and ignored all of his responsibilities. I thought Dean was pro-Chuck, I mean, he called Chuck a bestie, didn't he? I'm not sure if he really resents Chuck or he was just too depressed to think straight. I'm still shook though. (Oh, and if you're feeling unwell I hope you recover. I wish you luck. May October be kind to you.)

Aahhh, thank you. :P And yeah, I’ve been sick since Walker-Stalker Philly a few weeks ago, stupid con crud that turned into bronchitis because I am a weakling with no immune system. :D

I’ve also been debating whether I should write tonight (fic, which I have a deadline of december 2 on and I’m not even close to finished on), or if I should write a long meta on Fathers, or if I should just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. But this bit about Chuck, and how Dean feels about Chuck as an absent father figure, would factor into that meta.

I mean Dean’s always held a grudge against God since… ever probably, but at least in text as far back as 5.02 when Cas set out in search of God to help stop the apocalypse. Chuck never really grew into anything Dean could really respect any more than that, you know? Even the burden Chuck laid on him at the end of s11 wasn’t what Dean wanted. Dean had his ENTIRE LIFE ruined because of Chuck’s inability to clean up his own mess, and then suddenly Dean fixes it FOR him, and Chuck just sashays off into the sunset with Amara and again lays the entire burden for taking care of EVERYTHING at Dean’s feet… but Dean’s still just a guy doing a job. He doesn’t have Cosmic God Powers to just fix stuff when it goes wrong. How the hell is he meant to take care of the entire world?

He does try, though. Oh, how he tries. Until it crushes and breaks him.

(and whoopsie this is actually shaping up to BE that meta on fathers I’ve been thinking about, so guess how I’m gonna spend the next hour! WHEEE! *tosses fic writing plans out the window*)

I’ll start with the easiest one: Dean referring to Chuck as his bestie. In 12.04:

Gail: Do you know God, gentlemen?Dean: Oh yeah. Yeah, we’re- we’re besties.

Said with about 9 tons of sarcasm. I’d find a gif to demonstrate just how done Dean was in that scene, but he was pretty much done with EVERYTHING in 12.04. I think that nicely sums up his attitude going into that conversation.

But yes, I 100% do feel like Dean resents Chuck– for laying this burden on him and not giving him ANYTHING else. He laid this out to Chuck’s face in 11.21:

Dean: Here’s the thing, um…Chuck… And I mean no disrespect. Um… I’m guessing you came back to help with the Darkness, and that’s great. That’s, you know – It’s fantastic. Um, but you’ve been gone a – a… long, long time. And there’s so much crap that has gone down on the Earth for thousands of years. I mean, plagues and wars, slaughters. And you were, I don’t know, writing books, going to fan conventions. Were you even aware, o-or did you just tune it out?Chuck: I was aware, Dean.Dean: But you did nothing. And, again, I-I’m not trying to piss you off. You know, I don’t want to turn into a pillar of salt.Chuck: I actually… didn’t do that.Dean: Okay. People – People pray to you. People build churches for you. They fight wars in your name, and you did nothing.Chuck: You’re frustrated. I get it. Believe me, I was hands-on – Real hands-on for, wow, ages. I was so sure if I kept stepping in, teaching, punishing, that these beautiful creatures that I created… would grow up. But it only stayed the same. And I saw that I needed to step away and let my baby find its way. Being overinvolved is no longer parenting. [Sighs] It’s enabling.Dean: But it didn’t get better.Chuck: Well, I’ve been mulling it over. And from where I sit, I think it has.Dean: Well, from where I sit, it feels like you left us and you’re trying to justify it.Chuck: I know you had a complicated upbringing, Dean, but don’t confuse me with your dad.

And that’s it, really. The crux of Dean’s feelings toward Chuck. And that never really changed. Dean still had to take the burden of sacrifice on HIMSELF (carrying the Soul Bomb to Amara) because Chuck didn’t or couldn’t or just wouldn’t. It wasn’t Chuck that saved the world there, it was Dean using his words with Amara, dragging Chuck kicking and screaming into the conversation.

Okay, not kicking and screaming, more like whimpering and huddling… whatever… :P

But Chuck told Dean not to confuse him with John, and mistake his own “complicated upbringing” for Chuck’s “parenting” of the entire universe. And yet… as above, so below. And Chuck himself “chose” Dean as his mirror.

Then we have Dean’s own complicated Father Issues, from how John raised him, to how he was forced to raise Sam. As he said in 12.22 to Mary, he was forced to not only be a father to Sam, but a mother as well. And it wasn’t fair to Dean, and he hated Mary for her deal that put him in that position in the first place. What was unsaid there, but plain as day anyway, was that he hated John for it, too.

Lizbob and I were talking earlier about how Jack was describing the fact that he WAS his mother for a while before he was born, and how the very act of his birth sucked the life out of Kelly, and how that was a horrifying metaphor for motherhood, but Dean has said it himself, of Sam. Back in 10.03, when Sam was curing him of being a demon:

DEAN: You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just … tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since … [Dean laughs.] Forever. Or maybe … Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!SAM: This isn’t my brother talking.DEAN: You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit.SAM: No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!DEAN: Well, then, we got nothin’.SAM: Would you say that to Dad?DEAN: Dad? Oh, there’s a prize. There’s a man who brainwashed us into wasting our lives fighting his losing battle!

Sam’s “very existence sucked the life” out of Dean’s life, just like Jack literally did to his mother, just TWO EPISODES AFTER Dean broke through to Mary with his confession about the horrors of his life, and his anger over having to be both mother and father to Sam.

And this was about the point I hit my EUREKA! moment over why the idea of Dean being forced to be a parent to Jack just pushed every NOPE NOPE NOPE button in my entire body. Because he’s JUST NOW finally letting go of feeling like his entire life had been one long forced obligation to be a parent to Sam, and now here’s this new pseudo-manbaby with frightening and potentially Dangerous Magical Abilities who needs parenting and looking after that was foisted on him against his will AGAIN.

I mean, it’s like the ultimate in Cosmically Un-Fucking-Fair.

And even the notion that Cas should be responsible for “parenting” the giant nougat-loving nuke in lost-and-found clothes just… sits so wrong with me for the exact same reason. How long has Cas been a guardian to Dean? How big was the whole “You aren’t our babysitter” theme last season? That Cas never really had time to internalize before Jack hijacked Cas’s “babysitter” instincts for his own purposes?

Yes, it’s sweet and I can see that the parallels between Jack and Cas are being written really well so far, but the cutesy Cas-as-Jack’s-Daddy stuff just physically sickens me (which is saying something considering how physically sick I am as a baseline here…). I don’t think it’s “cute.” And I’m saying this as someone who LOVES Jack as a character.

Kelly (who was literally already “dead” at the point she met Cas, and was technically– according to Jack himself– already “Jack” at that point) had sized up Cas and decided that he would make a good guardian for Jack, and that Dagon would make a bad guardian for him, and took matters into her own hands in order to make that happen. Literally took Cas’s hand without his permission, after he’d declined to touch her stomach, and then forced his hand again after literally hijacking Baby and driving Cas to the scene of her “vision.” Then literally taking Cas’s hand again to force events to unfold as they had in the vision, without regard to any of the other horrors that played out as a result– such as Joshua having been killed by Dagon, the Colt being destroyed, Sam and Dean being hurt, Cas nearly getting killed, and then zapping enough power through Cas to kill Dagon, a being of a type we’ve only ever seen harmed by the Colt and the Lance of Michael. It was clear early on that Jack had Serious Power and yet we see he has practically NO CONTROL over it.

I am soooo tempted to apply a little bit of Miriam’s description of Becky to Jack… 

He sees something he wants and just takes it without a thought for who it might hurt. He took candy from the vending machine in 13.01, but… he kinda did that to Cas, too. Even before he was born, he saw the sort of devotion Cas had to the people he cared about and even if he didn’t understand WHY, he understood through Kelly that this was something he would need for himself. So he took it, even if it might hurt other people.

Just like he flung his power out at the sheriff when she touched him while he was being assaulted by angel radio. He didn’t intend to hurt her, but he was already in pain and frightened and that’s just how his power works for him right now… as if it’s “him but not him.” Almost like it’s an independent entity that’s in Extreme Self-Protection Mode.

That’s how Miriam described Dean, as someone who takes things and breaks things no matter who it hurts. But really… that’s not Dean, and that’s not Jack either– or at least not what Jack would CHOOSE to be. But from the outside, it kinda looks that way.

So, yeah, I LOVE the idea that Sam is finally getting a turn at forced parenthood from the other side of the equation. It fits beautifully with his own arc toward self-forgiveness and acceptance of his own powers and feelings of whether or not he was inherently evil because of what had been done to him as a baby. I LOVE the idea that Sam will get to experience being a father and mother to someone going through much the same things he did all his life (albeit as an adult, which was not a luxury Dean had when he was forced into a parental role at the age of almost five).

But for Dean? I’m horrified that this has been forced on him again. And for Cas? The fact it’s not something he chose of his own free will, nor gave informed consent to before he was sock-puppeted into becoming Jack’s babysitter… yeah, I find it moderately to seriously disturbing…

And for the sake little baby Jesus, I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS EVIL. I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS NOT “GOOD.” Good and evil are entirely irrelevant to this conversation.

But Jack’s power did something to Kelly. And it did something to Cas. It wasn’t done with malicious intent, but IT WAS DONE TO THEM. And it’s something that severely limited their free will. We’ve seen how Jack’s power works, without his active CHOICE to make stuff happen. He’s on a fight or flight sort of level with it right now, and it just happens to be set to overkill, you know? I’m sure he’ll get a better handle on it eventually, but I think it’s also going to be a vulnerability that others may try to exploit (enter Asmodeus, or potentially AU Michael, and possibly eventually Lucifer… this isn’t going to be an easy journey for Jack).

Anyway I think I’ve wandered so far off topic of your original question, but congrats, you won the Which Question Will Result In Actual Meta award this week! :P

I think it’s been more than an hour. *checks clock* *what even is time anymore* It’s definitely been more than an hour.

[twohearts-hs]

Mummy’s Boy - Daddy!Harry Styles Imagine

Words: 1,847

Pairing: Harry Styles & (Y/N) (Y/L/N)

Requested: Yes

Requests are OPEN

Harry was surprised when (Y/N) told him that she had to go away for the weekend, it was a surprisement because, she never takes time out for herself. Before they had kids, it was Harry first, then her job. Now it’s her kids, Harry, and then her job. But when she told him, a week prior of that Saturday, that her company wanted her to go out to Scotland for the weekend to do a article, and possibly buy out that company, she could not say no. She could no say no for her company possibly buying out another company, and she did not want to send her assistant to go and screw it up. Therefore she said yes, but the hard thing is the kids.

Harry knows that their kids to his missus, is always her first priority, she always wants to make them happy, be with them, play with them. She loves them more than anything, and Harry knows that. But, when she did tell her that, it was a shock at first, and they, a good job for her company, but then the information sank in and he had to take care of Rosie, and Caleb, on his own without his partner in crime, would be hard part.

Therefore on Thursday night, she was packing, it would only be three days, but to her, she did trust Harry, but she has never left them alone with him for more than five hours, she does not know how the situation would go. So, when she was placing her blouse in the small carry on, he stood behind her, arms crossed, chin high, leaning against the dark chester draws, watching her, was almost aggravating to her. He watched her, burning holes in the back of her head, trying to get her to notice him. She tried to ignore it, she tried her best to go past it, forget it, but she can’t, she can’t leave her baby like that, so she placed the last shirt down and turned out, doing the exact same posture as Harry, but she gave up several seconds later, she placed her arms to her side, and looked at him, a sorry expression trying to show.

“I don’t know if you’re upset with me because I’m leaving you, or that you’re alone with the kids?” She says, he pushes off, walking up to her, giving her the same look, but placing his hands in a loving matter, rubbing her arms, gently.

“Both, you’re leaving me this weekend, the bed will be empty, cold, even. No morning kisses, with light shining through, oh, and no morning sex, (Y/N), no sex for three days, I can’t do that.” He stated, she went wide-eyed, giving him a look of how pathetic he is.

“Harry, for goodness sake, you’re acting like a horny teenager, you’ve been gone months before, leaving me to deal with stuff like that, and the one time I leave you for three, small days, you are complaining. You can survive for those three days, if you really want sex, there is always the option of wanking off, but I am not changing my plans.” She told him, moving past him to grab her jeans from the draws.

“But, love-” He was interrupted.

“No, Harry, I love you, but you need to let me do this, ok. I have given up for three years, my passion, my job. You know how passionate I am about this stuff, please let me, I’ll make it up for you.” She told him, instantly, when she told him that’ll she make it up for him, he was fine with her leaving. He nodded, a smile on his lips, telling her a quick and cheerful ‘ok’ and walking out of the room. She laughed from his actions and continued on with packing.

That morning when she left, bright and early, she did say bye to Harry, but not the kids. When either she or Harry said bye to them, they would throw a mental breakdown, and that breaks both of their hearts, therefore they decided to not say bye anymore until they have matured enough to behave proper, so, they just leave without them knowing and play it off cool.

The first two days was fine, Harry told the kids that mummy was at the store, or that she was at Auntie Gem’s or that she was at a friend’s, whenever they asked, and they simply thought that she’ll be back in a couple of hours. The three of them went and stayed at his mum’s house for two days, he did need a little of help to handle the two of them because Rosie was walking now at one years old, and he needed to be watching her a lot to make sure that she was not up to any trouble. With Caleb, at three, he was at the stage of wanting everything, so he throws tantrums and hits, therefore, Harry was constantly stress with balancing both kids, and it would help a ton with some extra help, but those few days went well. It was really the last day, Sunday, that hit him like a brick.

He woke up, back into his and the missus’ room, the right side of the bed was cold, another reminder that she was still in Scotland and was coming home later that day, but it was not the normal light that woke up him up, it was the wailing from next door.

Harry pulled on his pajama pants, and threw on a shirt and walked out, Caleb’s room was on the left, therefore he slowly opened the door revealing a crying, three year old with little curls of blonde hair, and deep hazel eyes. He automatically turned into daddy mode and started to shush him, telling him that daddy was there, no worries. Harry placed his ringless fingers under his son’s armpits and picked him up, gently bouncing him, shushing him in a gentle manner.

“What’s wrong baby, what’s wrong, daddy’s here.” He said, but the minute he went into Harry’s arms, Caleb started to push away, squirming away, still sobbing. Harry tried his best to keep hold of him since of how big he was getting, but he eventually sat down in the rocking chair, sitting him up, trying to find out is wrong. His diaper did not stink, the only option was that he was hungry.

“Mummy.” Caleb, simply said, sobs in between the syllables. Harry started to show sympathy, he felt bad.

“Mummy will be home soon buddy, she will be home in a couple of hours, she’s just out right now.” He said, trying to rock him, but his little boy, who was only in a diaper was still fussing. Harry has never seen him so depressed, he looked tired, and sleep deprived. He started to push away, but Harry kept holding on.

“No, mummy, now.” Caleb, was still sobbing. Harry picked him up and placed him close to his chest, and walked downstairs, hoping not to wake up his little baby girl. But he was still whining, and squirming. The minute he got down to the kitchen, he sent Caleb in his high chair, sobs still coming out. It made Harry’s heart weaken, seeing his big baby all upset, not wanting him, but his mummy.

He walked to the fridge, and pulled out some milk, gently pouring it in a pot, and turning it to medium-high, and nuking it for a few moment, until it was lukewarm. Then he placed it in the bottle, screwing the top on. He looked up noticing it was only six o’clock, which was a normal thing, both kids were early birds, like him. But he began to hear a faint cry, coming from upstairs. He placed the bottle to Caleb, that he took acceptably, which gave Harry the ‘thank God!’ feeling within, but here comes phase two, his daughter.

He raced upstair, quickly as possible, turning the corner. “Morning, poppet!” He chirped, when she came into view with the redhead. He picked her up with please and gave her a kiss on her head. Rosie just snugged into him, gripping on his arm. Mumbling, and gurgling, ‘Daddy’. He picked up her blanket, and walked downstairs as fast as he possibly could, thankful that Caleb was still drinking. He placed Rosie in her highchair, giving her a bowl from the fridge of mushed food. 

Only problem, Alfie was soon done and started to cry again, Rosie dropped her spoon on the counter and covered her ears with her tiny hands, shaking her head. Harry did the second thing that would soothe him, he picked Caleb up and sat down on the couch, pulling his shirt off, placing Caleb on his chest, chest to chest therapy, it did wonders to both kids at states like this. Harry rubbed his back in a circular motion, over and over, until his cries turned in soft snores, that took an hour and a half to do, still doing chores around the house, keeping Rosie fed and with milk. 

But, he heard keys jiggling, and the sound of the door unlocking, which made him confused. The door opened a few seconds later, and a bang of a suitcase hitting the floor, with the same voice he will love forever, calling out.

“Hello, I’m home, H, babe, Caleb, lovely, where are you all?” She asked, Harry knew it was her.

“In the living room, love.” Harry responded, Rosie dropped her blocks on the highchair, screaming out in excitement, and saying, ‘Mummy’ over and over again. (Y/N) finally made it through and saw her husband on the couch with a baby on his chest. A smile pulled on her lips, she started to walk up to Harry pulled his chin up for a quick kiss.

“Was he being fussy?” She asked, he nodded and laugh.

“You can’t imagine.” He stated. She walked to Rosie, picking her up and kissing her head repeatedly, sitting next to her husband. 

“How’d it go, tell me the details?” She questioned.

“It was fine, went to Mum’s, baked, played a with cars and blocks a lot, hmm’ Rose and Caleb, but it was all good. This fella was starting to be fussy an hour ago, but all good now.” He told her, “But tell me, why are you home so early?’ He asked, she leaned her head against his shoulder.

“The meeting went quicker than expect, I took the failing company under my wing, all good, now, nothing like this will happen soon.” She told him, he laughed.

“Thank God, I don’t think I can do one of these weekends again. I love you.” He told her, sighing in relief.

“Ok, now I’m scared.”

“Don’t worry, it was all good, it was just a lot of stress between a stubborn three year old, and a walking one year old.” He told her, she laughed.

“Welcome to my life. I love you too, gorgeous.” She told him, smiling at him.

This was requested by: @tiaameliapnina

I tweaked it a bit since I wanted it to follow into my series, but thank you for requesting!

Requests are open: Ask

Lots of Love,

-Ava xx

[photomaniacs]

Macro Safari: Turn Your Backyard Into a Photo Adventure http://ift.tt/2t2WWJF

Yesterday was a rainy, hazy day at home. I didn’t feel much like going anywhere but I needed to find something to do that didn’t involve sitting or work. I decided to break out one of my macro lenses and a flash with soft box diffuser to go macro hunting around the house.

The random breaks in the rain would give me a few minutes at a time to venture beyond the front door to explore all the plants we have around the house. This macro safari managed to keep me entertained for the afternoon and on into the evening. I started out photographing some flowers but soon found some other more interesting subjects.

I chose for this residential adventure the versatile, amazingly capable AF Minolta 100mm Macro f/2.8 coupled to a Sony a7R II via a dumb (no communication with the camera) metal adapter.

A photo of the Minolta mounted to an a7r II with battery grip. A very reasonably sized package for handheld macro work!

This lens is capable of reaching 1:1 reproduction without an extension tube. I picked this lens up from a local camera shop a few years ago for a swell, used price of around $250. Considering the fact that it’s the same optical design as the modern Sony 100mm macro (Sony now owns Minolta), it’s a no brainer.

Minolta Maxxum AF Macro 100mm f/2.8 (1st Generation, 1986-1993) The aperture can be stopped down to f/32.

Why spend many hundreds more just for a Sony badge? This old Minolta mated to one of the most advanced, high-resolution cameras on the market shows just how good it still is. You’d be hard-pressed to find anything modern, at any price, that can outperform it.

Coming up are some photos made with this lens. Flowers and insects abound in Florida!

A Tequila Sunrise Hibiscus flower.

Here is a 1:1 macro of this same flower’s stigma (red bit) and anther (yellow stuff).

Another 1:1 shot, this time of the tiny white flowers nestled between the pink, papery leaves of a Bougainvillea vine.

I have no idea what kind of flowers these are. Each is about 1″ in diameter and sits in a hanging basket alongside some other pretty stuff.

A striking portrait of the new flowers on one of the Crepe Myrtle trees that line the driveway. Using a fast shutter speed and a tiny aperture of f/32, all ambient light was cutout, leaving only the flowers exposed by the closely positioned flash mounted in a 12″x12″ soft box. I like this shot because it includes all phases of growth: new buds, opening buds, open buds and then the full flowers.

I spotted this teeny tiny Long Legged Fly (Dolichopus Condylostylus comatus) resting on a frond of a palm tree; it’s about 1/2 the size of the common house fly but at 1:1 reproduction, you can really get in close to see all the interesting details. To me, it looks like some kind of alien flying machine.

After about half-an-hour of not finding anything else to shoot, I went inside to call it a day. That’s when my wife spotted a Florida Scorpion (Centruroides hentzi). These little guys are very common around here. They’re only about 1.5″ long, head-to-tail, and pack a very non-threatening venom that causes about the same sort of short-term discomfort as a bee sting.

Up close, I think they look like land lobsters. I’m not a fan of eating bug meat from the sea so this doesn’t bother my appetite any. After catching this little guy, I placed him on a piece of old, weathered Live Oak I staged on the dinner table. The scorpion was quite happy to remain on its perch no matter how many times I repositioned it or nuked it with the flash.

I had some closer shots but I preferred these images that showed the whole body. What an interesting critter! The scorpion never attempted to strike at me, preferring to lie flat and still, hoping I would just go away. When I was finished shooting these photos, I took the little guy outside and let him loose in a mound of pine needles at the base of a tree. I don’t mind having these around since they help control the population of other, ickier insects.

What a fascinating way to spend an afternoon! A good macro lens can have an enlarging effect on your sense of the world around you. Your neighbors will probably think you’ve lost your mind as you become more and more obsessed with crawling around in the dirt and rummaging through your planters looking for new things to get up-close with, but it’s worth it. Even the tiniest of yards will provide an endless supply of subjects if you’re willing to look hard enough.

If you aren’t already kitted out for macro photography, it doesn’t have to cost a ton of money. A simple extension tube set can cost less than $20 and will allow you to mount a lens you already own to get down into 1:2 or even 1:1 reproduction ratios. A cheap manual flash and a sheet of white paper is about all you need for lighting. There are plenty of websites out there with suggestions and reviews for this sort of thing. The world of macro photography promises to challenge you in new ways while showing you how much detail there is in nature that we often take for granted.

About the author: Tom Leonard is an amateur photographer, engineer, and father of 9. You can read his musings and follow his travels on his blog. This post was also published here.

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June 24, 2017 at 07:01PM