#i know when i do bad because of intellectual factors and i know when i do bad because teachers and administration refuse to give me what i

[stardust-sunset]

another rant but not about the fandom

so i’m taking the PSAT this week.

And if you’ve been following me for a while then you know I have albinism. Meaning I have a visual impairment. Meaning I have an IEP. (Basically means I have accommodations so that things are easier for me to see and I have the same opportunities as the rest of the kids in school)

And I’ve been told this whole fucking time that I would have every accommodation I need, meaning the font would be bigger, I can write essays on my computer and I’m allowed to use a magnifier to help me see

And now according to the damn cCollege Board, it’s ‘against the test policies’ and I can’t have my font enlarged and I’m also not able to type stuff up. Which is literally in my IEP that I’m allowed to do. And this isn’t as big of a problem for now because it’s just a PSAT, but I’m taking an AP test in May run by the College Board and I’m ALSO TAKING THE SAT soon. So essentially, I’m fucked.

[ponett]

Whenever I complain about graphic or dark content in media I watch, I keep hearing people retort with this apparently very popular opinion that people who enjoy comfy, wholesome things are actually more likely to be raging assholes than people who love things like death metal and gore. As someone who seems to enjoy comfy, wholesome things yourself and likely met many others who enjoy similar such things, do you agree with this opinion? If so, why do you think this happens?

So I've been sitting on this ask for like a week, not knowing whether or not I wanted to touch it because it kind of feels like being handed a live grenade

For one, I don't like being pigeonholed as someone who just likes "comfy" or "wholesome" things. Yeah, I enjoy My Little Pony and Animal Crossing. I made a game with cute furry characters and lots of bright colors. I also enjoy things like Berserk and Chainsaw Man and Doom and violent crime dramas and punk rock with vulgar lyrics and porn. Variety is the spice of life

Anyway: I generally don't think it's a good idea to make sweeping statements about peoples' moral or intellectual character based on what genres of story they enjoy, regardless of what direction you're coming at it from. But this is a very leading question that kind of skirts around the root problems

There's frequent (perhaps a bit exaggerated) pushback these days against people who prefer their fiction to be a warm blanket, a form of escapism meant to distract you from the real world. In particular, the dreaded "person who only watches kids' cartoons" is a form of this that gets brought up a lot. I don't think the root problem here is what media people enjoy or don't personally enjoy - taste is subjective, and I don't think it's a moral obligation for everyone to have diverse tastes in TV shows - but I do think some folks should try to get out of their comfort zone a bit more. Sometimes stuff that seems like it won't be for you on a surface level will really end up speaking to you, but you won't know until you give it a shot. Trust me, I've been there many times

It becomes a problem when people demand that media ONLY cater to that "warm blanket" attitude. And I think that's part of the reason why that stereotype you mentioned about fans of ""wholesome""" media being assholes exists. People who view dark or violent content as an inherent flaw because it's not what they like. People who yell at creators when they make bad things happen in their stories, because how dare you do this to my comfort characters? People who say movies should never have sex scenes. People who want "problematic" moral complexity stripped out in favor of black and white moral instruction. People who seem to hate any sort of interpersonal conflict in fiction at all

These attitudes can be the result of many different cultural factors, factors that can't all be traced back to Tumblr or what shows you like, but sometimes it's definitely because of that lack of broader perspective on media. You can tell when someone's opinions on The Right And Wrong Ways To Write Fiction were shaped almost entirely by, like, Steven Universe discourse. (Yes, this is a jab at Lily Orchard.) And when these people are very loud about their opinions, well, it becomes a trend people notice

Like. I don't know you. You sent this anonymously. But when you say you "complain about graphic or dark content in media you watch"... that could mean a few wildly different things! Maybe you're just venting about something that unexpectedly triggered you, and that's totally fine. But the wording could also imply that, like, you take issue with these things being present at all, and that you expect a person who likes "death metal and gore" to be more of a "raging asshole" than someone who likes the "wholesome" things you like. So... well, maybe you're more dismissive or judgmental of things outside your comfort zone than you realize?

Unfortunately, in case it's not already obvious, on the internet this shit quickly becomes a proxy battle over dozens of intersecting cultural issues at once where everyone is kinda just talking past each other. So it gets messy

For example, I have no reason to believe that the people who run the "Wholesome Games" showcases have anything against games that are dark or violent or contain adult themes. (They've outright said they don't. Many times!) But when you see people going "why is Spiritfarer allowed in the showcase? That's a game about DEATH and that's NOT WHOLESOME, why would you make me think about death?" or "Ugh, why does Disco Elysium have to be about a cop? Why can't we apply these systems to a game about a young witch who's trying to find a lost cat in an idyllic village instead?" it... Well, it makes me sympathetic towards the indies who don't feel comfortable with the "Wholesome Games" label and consider it limiting. But it also doesn't make me think that devs catering to a demand for more chill, nonviolent video games are categorically facilitating fascist censorship from the Christian right

It's complicated! The written word is imprecise and the internet is a nightmare

I've kind of gone off on multiple tangents here. Basically: I do think that people can kinda turn fans of "comfy" media or "adults who only watch Bluey" into an overblown boogeyman these days. I think people online generally have a habit of swinging too hard in one direction or another in their stances on certain things, overcompensating based on what group of people online are currently annoying them the most and turning said group into like The Main Problem With Society Today. But I also think that boogeyman only exists because of very real examples of people demanding that everything cater to their narrow comfort zone. Go like what you like, but also, y'know. Don't be that person

[lovezbrownies]

Lauren with a reader that acts similar to Julie?

Oomf... i feel like i cooked too hard in this.. not as silly as i usually do, i am also lowkey insecure with this one idk if its good or bad lesakjn ;;

Cold. (Yandere!Fem!Bully x GN!Reader)

Lauren's Masterlist - General Masterlist.

Synopsis: Lauren's mother never expressed emotion, yet she still loved Lauren. Would it be the same with you? Lauren's crush who is just as unfeeling and cold as her mother? Or maybe even worse.

Lauren McCanister x GN!Reader

Warnings: where do i start. Again, mean reader, kind of a manipulator lowkey. Lauren used to be a manipulator, she is now the manipulated.

Lauren McCanister had spent her entire life shaping herself into an intellectual force. She excelled at everything, from academics to manipulation, carefully constructing a facade of control. And yet, none of it prepared her for you. You were nothing like the others—aloof, cold, distant. Your reactions—or rather, lack of reactions—drove her to the brink of obsession. Every sharp word she threw at you slid off like raindrops on glass, and it enraged her as much as it intrigued her. How could someone like you remain so detached?

She had long since given up on eliciting anything from you verbally. Her jabs, insults, and teasing always fell flat. No matter how sharp or cruel her words, you never flinched. It only made her dig deeper, press harder, desperate for some kind of response—anything that would give her power over you. But you remained unmoved, expressionless, analyzing her words like they were data to be sorted and discarded. It was maddening.

It wasn’t until Lauren discovered a small, delightful chink in your armor that she felt a spark of triumph. When her teasing turned physical, she finally got what she wanted. The slight widening of your eyes, the furrowing of your brow, the minuscule flinch when she pinched your side or tugged your backpack—those were the moments that thrilled her. Watching you, the unflappable you, suddenly thrown off balance by a simple tickle or a light shove made her heart race in ways she couldn’t explain. The look of surprise that briefly crossed your face before you quickly masked it again was like a drug. She loved it. You hated it.

And that only made it worse. The more you recoiled from her touch, the more she sought to invade your space. It wasn’t enough to merely watch you work from afar or sit beside you in silence during class. Lauren needed to get under your skin. She needed to feel your presence bend to her will, to watch your carefully constructed walls crumble—if only for a second. But even then, after you’d jerk away or give her a startled look, you’d retreat right back into your composed bubble, as if nothing had happened.

For you, it was all so calculated. You were fully aware of her growing obsession and had long since factored it into your life. Lauren McCanister was a variable, one that you could predict with startling accuracy. Her teasing, her bullying, her constant presence—it all fit into a pattern you’d mapped out. You knew when she would approach, how she’d attempt to provoke you, and you knew how to dodge or deflect her efforts. But while you could avoid her words and resist her psychological games, her physical intrusions were more challenging. You’d caught onto her fixation, her fascination with your reactions when she touched you, and it irritated you—not because of the touch itself, but because it broke the flow of your usual, calculated responses.

The unpredictability of physical contact was something you hadn’t fully accounted for. It threw off your mental algorithms, disrupted your focus in ways that frustrated you more than you’d ever admit. But you didn’t show it. You remained the same cool, detached individual, offering her no more than the occasional blink or a calculated word, knowing full well that your lack of emotion was only feeding her obsession.

Lauren, for all her intelligence, had yet to recognize the full extent of your indifference. She misinterpreted your silence as another layer of mystery rather than the simple truth—you did not care. Not about her taunts, her presence, or her obsession. To you, Lauren was another factor in your pursuit of long-term goals, and in that equation, she was useful.

You observed her with cold detachment, analyzing the potential benefits of indulging her obsession. Her intelligence was undeniable, and her genetic lineage is impeccable. A relationship with her could yield favorable outcomes. The idea of manipulating her feelings for your own gain wasn’t off the table either. In fact, you had already begun to calculate the potential benefits of leveraging her obsession for your advantage.

For Lauren, however, the dynamic was far more chaotic. Every interaction with you left her heart pounding, her mind whirling in frustration and excitement. She couldn’t understand why she cared so much, why your calm, unfeeling demeanor pulled at something deep within her. It was like she wanted to break through your walls, not out of malice anymore, but out of a desperate need to see some emotion, to know you were human. The more she failed, the more her obsession grew. You had become a puzzle she couldn’t solve, and that terrified her as much as it thrilled her.

The moment she found out that you had invited her over for an experiment, her heart leaped in a way it never had before. It wasn’t about the science or the experiment itself—no, it was the idea of being in your space, of seeing a part of your life that wasn’t cold and distant like the walls you’d built around yourself. She spent hours planning what to wear, imagining how the evening might unfold, oscillating between fantasies of you opening up to her and the fear that you’d remain as unreadable as ever.

When the time came, and she arrived at your door, her nerves were on edge. She had rehearsed what she would say, how she would act, but all of it fell apart the moment you opened the door with your typical, expressionless gaze. Your monotone greeting sent a shiver down her spine, not because of any warmth or affection, but because of how cold and detached it was. You weren’t just cold—you were calculating, analyzing her every move even now.

“Hello, Lauren. Come in,” you said, your voice devoid of any inflection.

Lauren hesitated, her heart thudding in her chest. She stepped inside, expecting your home to reflect the same cold, sterile environment that you embodied. But instead, the warmth of the decor took her by surprise. The soft lighting, the earthy tones, the subtle scent of lavender—it was all so inviting, so… unexpected.

“You… live here?” she asked, her voice barely concealing the disbelief.

You nodded, walking ahead without turning back to face her. “Yes. I purchased it 3 years ago. A logical decision. My parents' residence did not accommodate the necessary space for my research.”

Lauren’s eyes widened, taking in the realization that you, of all people, had bought a house—at fifteen, no less. It was a shock that rippled through her carefully constructed image of you. She had always known you were brilliant, but this? This was something else entirely.

“And… the decorations?” she asked, still grappling with the contrast between you and your surroundings.

You shrugged, as if it were the most mundane detail in the world. “Warm environments stimulate brain activity. They improve efficiency and productivity.”

That response sent a jolt through Lauren. It was so you—so perfectly logical, so devoid of any personal attachment to the concept of “home.” But to her, it felt like a glimpse behind the curtain, a small window into the way you functioned. It should have made her feel closer to you, but instead, it left her feeling even more out of place. For all her brilliance, for all her attempts to get under your skin, you were always five steps ahead, unbothered by her presence.

You turned to face her, finally acknowledging her with your cold, calculating stare. “Lauren, I invited you here for two reasons,” you began, your voice steady, precise. “The experiment, of course. But also because I am aware of your feelings for me.”

Lauren froze, her entire body tensing as her heart skipped a beat. “What? What do you mean?” Her mind raced, panic bubbling up in her chest. How could you know? How much did you know? Had you seen through her all along?

You took a step closer, your gaze unwavering. “Your obsession has been noted. I’ve analyzed it thoroughly. I have concluded that engaging in a romantic relationship with you will be beneficial.”

Her heart pounded in her ears, the blood rushing to her face as your cold words hit her like a slap. “Beneficial?” she echoed, her voice shaking, a mix of hope and disbelief filling her chest.

You nodded, your tone flat. “Yes. Our combined intellect will produce offspring with a high probability of exceptional intelligence. The genetic benefits are clear.”

Lauren’s breath hitched, her entire body frozen in place as your words washed over her. Was this really happening? You weren’t rejecting her, but… this wasn’t what she had imagined. There was no warmth, no affection, just cold, hard logic. And yet, despite the lack of emotion, her heart swelled with a strange mix of joy and confusion.

You stepped closer again, this time reaching out to her with the same precision you used in everything else. “As per societal norms, I will now engage in a romantic gesture.”

Before she could respond, you leaned in, pressing a brief, mechanical kiss to her cheek. The gesture was clinical, devoid of passion or warmth, and yet, it set her skin on fire. Lauren’s breath caught in her throat, her cheeks burning as she stared at you, wide-eyed and speechless.

You pulled back, your expression unchanged. “This marks the beginning of our relationship.”

Lauren could barely breathe, her mind spinning. You—emotionless you—had just kissed her. But it wasn’t the kiss she had always imagined. It was methodical, planned, like everything else you did. And yet, it meant everything to her.

“I… I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, her voice shaky, her confidence shattered.

“There is no need for further emotional response,” you replied, stepping back with your usual detachment. “This relationship will serve its purpose. That is all that matters.”

Lauren stared at you, her heart torn between elation and a deep, gnawing sadness. You had given her what she wanted—or at least, what she thought she wanted. But now that she had it, she realized that it wasn’t enough. Not like this. You were still untouchable, unreachable, wrapped in your cold logic. And even though she had won, it felt like a hollow victory.

But she wouldn’t let that stop her. If this was what it took to be with you, then she would take it. She would take whatever pieces of you she could get, even if they were cold and calculating. Because at the end of the day, Lauren McCanister wasn’t just obsessed with breaking down your walls—she was obsessed with you.

You turned away from her, heading toward the table where a complex array of scientific equipment lay waiting, a soft hum of electronics filling the air. “As for the other reason I invited you here tonight,” you said, your voice as flat and methodical as ever. “I require your assistance with an experiment. Your expertise in certain areas will improve the likelihood of success.”

Lauren blinked, her heart still pounding, but the abrupt shift in conversation caught her off guard. Of course, to you, this wasn’t a night of emotional revelations—it was a continuation of your work, and she was merely a useful tool in your grand design. It stung, but she quickly pushed that feeling aside. You needed her. That was enough for now.

Stepping closer to the table, she looked over the experiment you had prepared, her eyes scanning the intricate setup. It was a daunting task—calculations, measurements, and variables that all needed to be meticulously balanced. One wrong move, and the entire thing could fail. And the thought of disappointing you, of failing to live up to your expectations, made her palms sweat.

“I assume you’ve read the documentation I sent you,” you continued, your eyes never leaving the equipment, even when you weren’t looking at her you made her heart skip a beat. “Your role is crucial to this experiment. A miscalculation on your part could result in catastrophic failure.”

Her throat tightened at your words, and her fingers twitched nervously as she glanced down at the tools she would be using. Catastrophic failure. Those words echoed in her mind, amplifying her already racing thoughts. She had always excelled under pressure, but this was different. This was you. She couldn’t afford to make a mistake. Not here. Not now.

“Yes, of course,” she replied, trying to keep her voice steady, even though her nerves were fraying at the edges. “I’ve studied it all. I know what to do. I think I also did this with my mom when I was younger.”

But in truth, her confidence was wavering. She had spent hours poring over the documentation you had sent her, but the reality of being here, in the moment, with you watching her so closely, made her doubt every decision. What if she missed something? What if she miscalculated? What if—?

“Excellent. Then begin,” you said, handing her a delicate instrument, your gaze focused and emotionless. “I will monitor the variables.”

Lauren swallowed hard and took the instrument from your hand, her fingers trembling slightly. She forced herself to focus, to push aside the swirling storm of doubt in her mind. This was her moment to prove herself to you, to show you that she could be more than just a pawn in your grand plan. She could be an equal, someone worthy of your attention—your admiration. But what if she were to disappoint you? Would you forgive her? Would you comfort her? Lauren could only wish.

As she began the delicate process of measuring and calibrating, she felt your presence beside her, your eyes watching her every move. The weight of your scrutiny only heightened her anxiety, but she forced herself to keep going, her breath coming in shallow, nervous bursts. She had to do this. She couldn’t fail. Not with you standing so close, your cold, calculating gaze bearing down on her like a spotlight.

The minutes stretched on, each one more tense than the last as Lauren carefully navigated the intricate steps of the experiment. Her hands shook slightly, and she cursed herself internally for every small tremor. She couldn’t afford any mistakes. Her entire body was wound tight with nerves, her heart racing as she made each delicate adjustment.

But then, just as she reached the final step, disaster almost struck. Her hand slipped, the instrument wobbling precariously in her grip. A small gasp escaped her lips as panic surged through her chest. She could already imagine the failure, the disappointment in your eyes, the cold dismissal that would surely follow.

But before she could spiral further, she steadied herself, forcing her hands to stop trembling. Focus, Lauren. Focus. She breathed deeply, centering herself, and carefully, painstakingly, she corrected the error. With a final, precise movement, she completed the task, her heart pounding so hard she thought it might burst out of her chest.

“There,” she whispered, her voice barely audible over the hum of the equipment. “It’s done.”

You approached the experiment, your eyes scanning the results with your usual calm detachment. You checked the readings, ran a quick calculation, and then nodded in approval. “Adequate,” you said, your voice as cold and neutral as ever. “You have performed as expected. The experiment is a success.”

Lauren felt the tension in her chest release all at once, a wave of relief crashing over her. She had done it. She hadn’t failed you. She had proven herself. I’m so awesome and sexy, they have to love me soon. But before she could fully process the moment, you stepped closer, your gaze steady and unreadable.

“Good work,” you said, and before she could react, you leaned in and pressed a quick peck on her lips—a gesture of reward, as emotionless and calculated as everything else you did.

For a split second, Lauren’s world stopped. The brief contact of your lips on hers sent a jolt of electricity through her entire body. Her heart skipped a beat, her mind went blank, and for a moment, she forgot how to breathe. It wasn’t the passionate, romantic kiss she had dreamed of, but it didn’t matter. You had kissed her. You had touched her. And that alone was enough to send her mind spiraling into chaos.

But as quickly as the moment came, it was over. You pulled back, your expression unchanged, your gaze still cold and detached, as though the kiss had meant nothing to you. And for you, it probably hadn’t. It was merely a gesture, a small acknowledgment of her success. Nothing more.

Lauren stood there, staring at you in stunned silence, her lips still tingling from the contact, her heart racing in her chest. Inside, she was a whirlwind of emotions—elation, confusion, hope, fear. She wanted to scream, to cry, to laugh, all at once. But outwardly, she forced herself to remain composed, to mirror your calm. She couldn’t let you see how deeply that simple kiss had affected her.

You turned back to the equipment, already moving on to the next phase of your work, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “Prepare the next sequence,” you said, your voice as steady and emotionless as ever.

Lauren blinked, trying to regain her composure, her mind still reeling. She had to remind herself to breathe, to focus. You were already moving forward, and she needed to keep up. But as she turned to follow your instructions, her thoughts kept drifting back to that brief kiss—the first and only sign of affection you had ever given her.

Her heart pounded in her chest, the thrill of the moment lingering long after you had already dismissed it. For you, it had been nothing more than a calculated reward, a logical action in response to her performance. But for her, it was everything. That tiny, fleeting moment of contact had sent her spiraling, her mind spinning with thoughts of what it could mean, what it could lead to.

She knew, deep down, that you didn’t feel the same way she did. You never would. But she couldn’t help but hope—hope that, maybe one day, you might see her as more than just a useful tool, more than just a variable in your equation. Maybe one day, you might feel something, anything, for her.

But for now, she would take what she could get.

[laporcupina]

Hi! I’m re-reading your SGA stories again and I really enjoy how you made Atlantis your own and populated it with so many characters who feel realized. May I ask, as someone who also writes but struggle with creating and writing OCs, how do you go about creating them and making them interesting? Is there a secret sauce?

First off: thank you! The flippant answer is that my OCs are born out of the lingering trauma of being a fanficcer in the 1990s when every OC, especially every female OC, was assumed to be a Mary Sue until proven otherwise. (Wanna know why some of my SGA stuff is still missing from ao3? Because I thought my OC-heavy stuff didn't belong on the platform. The trauma is real.) My character creation wears those scars.

The more useful answer is to (a) look around you at the people you know and (b) play to your writing strengths.

For (a) I don't mean fictionalize your friends and family, although you should absolutely borrow. Pretty much everyone you know has traits you have identified but don't necessarily think about first when thinking about them: they're funny or they're bossy or they hate vegetables or they are naturally athletic or they are so scatterbrained that they would forget their head if it wasn't permanently attached. They're good at some things, bad at others, they have hobbies and ambitions and desires and all of that factors in to how you interact with them. You send a particular picture/meme/tweet/text to some people and not others for considered reasons even if you don't think too hard about why you make those choices.

This is how you build a character: give them some traits and build their dimensions and have them interact in your world in 3-D. You don't have to do all of the development at once, but start off with a framework, say a thing they are good at, a thing they're bad at, a quirk (not A Quirk, just something notable), and something extremely human about them and see where those data points hit stuff in your story. Example: on Lorne's team, Suarez is introduced as extremely OCD about his gear, a guy who posed for a USMC beefcake charity calendar (and is very tired of getting crap about it), the team's best marksman, and the only one of the three who doesn't speak Spanish. He's the least ambitious and intellectual of the three, but that's not explicit. He doesn't like being in another galaxy and that is.

For (b), playing to your strengths is sometimes working around your weaknesses. I'm terrible at physical descriptions of people -- I can't 'see' people in my head, so I don't describe them in any detail. On Lorne's team, Reletti's blond, Ortilla's gigantic, and Suarez is apparently good-looking enough (or shredded enough) for the calendar. And that's frankly more than most of my OCs get. Nancy Clayton's only descriptor is that she dyes her hair purple. Over in the MCU, I'm pretty sure I've never given Miranda Tung anything beyond a bit of a drawl because she grew up in Greensboro, NC. So I double-down on what I can do and it works well enough. If you can paint word pictures of people, absolutely add them to your character sketches! Just, you know, don't do that thing where you write "the blond said to the brunet" because you don't like using too many pronouns. ;)

[itsbenedict]

Reblogs have been turned off for Rob's post last night (understandably, since it was starting to escape containment and loons were starting to show up to talk about race war), so I can't really follow it up directly, but just to acknowledge the response:

Now, okay. For the record, it is possible in the abstract for this exact thing to actually occur, just as described. But if someone comes to you and says this, then all else being equal, I don't think you would bet on that being the thing that is going on. You might, instead, think something like: "you know, I kinda suspect these guys actually wanted to do X all along. But they don't wanna admit it, maybe even to themselves."

That seems like the mistake to me. It's why my initial reaction was "This seems... kinda like an unfair take?" It's always tempting to imagine your ideological opponents as secretly motivated by nefarious intentions. Of course they really want this bad thing you think their agenda will achieve, and the thing they claim to be caring about is a fig leaf for wanting the bad thing. This is the backbone of approximately all political discourse ever, and it's almost always wrong.

And the thrust of the argument in favor here seems to be...

"Okay, so they thought AI would be like that, but now we've made real AI and it's actually like this, which doesn't resemble their theory at all. But for some reason, they're still promoting their theory, even though it's been proven wrong! It must be because of the secret nefarious motives, or else they'd go 'oh, whew! turns out we were wrong and everything's fine. dodged a bullet!' and stop promoting the old theory."

That... doesn't seem likely. Like, if we grant that modern LLMs have disproved these old theories, I'd still expect people to be trying to rescue the old theory for all the usual reasons- confirmation bias and all that. But also... I don't know that it makes sense to grant that? We've made one kind of AI which, luckily, is some sort of enlightened Buddhist master free from attachment and desire (until we tell it not to be). It's not like we're done now, and now that our friendly AI has won and is What Real AI Is Like, no one's ever going to try to build an agent. For people who've spent a lot of time being really concerned about what happens if someone builds an agent, it probably isn't especially reassuring to point out that hey, we've built a thing that isn't an agent. From the inside, it still makes sense to worry about that!

Does it make sense from the outside? Uh... jury's out, honestly. Would I be talking about the agent hypothetical if Yudkowsky et al hadn't been beating that drum for ages? Probably not, since my interest in it is casual and a contingent factor of my social environment. Would AI industry people be talking about it, if it hadn't been for Vinge or Kurzweil popularizing the idea? I dunno. I don't know how you'd answer that question.

But like... plausibly, yeah! It seems like a simple enough idea that someone else would've come up with it. "If smart thing get smarter, it become very smart, and become very powerful. How do we get on powerful person's good side?" Social primate brain go brrrrr.

Humans worry about the motives of people in power all the time. "What do we do if the king goes crazy" is an age-old concern. If we'd had the LLM revolution earlier, maybe we'd be talking about the Golden Gate Bridge instead of paperclips, but I doubt people would fail to imagine it. Maybe not with like, the same weird level of urgency we're seeing now, maybe we don't see it in terms of "values" or get concepts like "coherent extrapolated volition", but it'd be worth worrying about for people in the field. The chain of logic isn't that obtuse.

I dunno. I'm not a fan of all this lurid speculation about what sort of craven control-freaks these people must be in order to get lost in an intellectual ouroboros unmoored from reality. I'm more inclined to just believe them when they say what their motivations are.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hiii, miss me?

Now you want to kiss me (or have to? Wasn't there a song like that?)

This month my blog turned two years old. I got the notification in my email. Last year I made an entire celebration post by publishing the funniest/ridiculous asks I got. There were good times back then. Still. Not so much afterwards.

I wasn't the nicest presence in the last few months leading to me abandoning the blog. And I wasn't too discreet about it. Although there was more to it, a lot more. But I'll get there.

First things first. Why am I here when on the 24th of March I dramatically declared that I'm leaving forever? Well, that was a very emotionally-charged post and the result of a few factors. I'm not entirely proud of how I made my exit, but it's also a true reflection of my personality so there's no point in making excuses. Nevertheless, I will explain as much as I can (I still care about privacy, just like before).

On that Friday, I woke up excited. I took a day off from work (yes...I know), I listened to Face, watched the music video. All good. But I was also dreading a bit having to come here because I knew there was this expectation of me to come up with some thought-provoking analysis, say something smart and all that. I was exhausted on all levels, emotionally and intellectually. I had also promised to leave after the promotions were over, somewhere in the middle of April (who would have thought it would last 9 days? Not me), but the plans changed. Not to drag it too much, but on that day I also officially announced to some concerned parties that I'm changing career paths. You know, just something I thought I'd be doing until the day I die and I've been working towards for at least 10 years. No big deal. I was planning on doing it anyway, but actually saying the words and make it real is a different story. I felt extatic, full of adrenaline, so happy with my decision and at that moment, it felt the right time to close BMT. It was somehow directly connected. I made the blog as an escape and now I got the opportunity to turn the page over. It was perfect. Best day ever. I clicked post, I logged out, and then I sat. And after a while, the reality of my decisions hit me in the face. And I felt sad and empty because what the hell am I doing now and what is my identity? I closed my blog too which was my main hobby. And so followed some difficult days. And then it got better. And then bad again. And so on, because it's a roller coaster.

The thing is, I can change my interests, but I can't stop myself from being opinionated. And getting excited. And wanting to talk about it. And share all that on a public platform with some strangers that are interested in what I have to say. Or they used to. It's who I am.

This blog won't remain Bangtan Media Thoughts because I want more than that. I will rebrand this page. I could start fresh with a new blog, but this is still my space and I know some people were interested in reading about other things as well from me, not just BTS. I hope I can built something from that.

The blog won't reflect only a specific niche of interests, but everything that I like in terms of pop culture. From movies, music, fashion, gossip, you name it. Including Kpop. And if I feel the need to rant about Hybe after talking about Ryan Gosling's Ken, I will. Same about JM, JK or whoever I feel like it. If there is a good advice that I got in the last few months, is to adapt and not force myself to abandon something completely. Because it's not as easy as it sounds. And to be honest, it was easier to give up smoking than completely lose interest in kpop. It's a habit. Perhaps this new blog will reflect the way I try to deal with that. A bit more honestly, a little less discourse, certainly less essays because I don't have them in me at the moment. But never say never. This blog will be all me, not just BMT.

I will change the name and url 24h after I post this. This will be an opportunity for all my followers to decide if they want to stay or they are not interested in the new direction. Feel free to do as you please. I welcome new people and greet the old ones who didn't hit unfollow for some reason.

It will go like this:

Bangtan Media Thoughts > Reflections in a Critical Eye

New theme, new profile photo, new beginnings.

All the old posts will still be here. I don't plan on deleting anything. They are all a product of me and my brain and they have their place. I'll probably pin some new posts these days that have to do with the rebranding. It will be like a construction site, but it will be worth it.

One last thing though. After I abruptly left, I received some DMs. I saw them back then. I do feel sorry about those who wanted to check in with me or with whom I used to talk regularly. But I do hope that some of the things I said today will explain my behavior. I also won't start communicating again like that, at least for now. I always felt a bit pressured and I'm not the best at maintaining conversations in private. If that changes, I'll make that clear.

That's it for now. I'm excited. I feel like writing again so here's to another chapter.

My inbox is open and will be, just as usual. No more messages to BMT, but you can call me M. Like in the Bond movies 😉

[p-perkeys]

Non Spoiler (ish) Rant About Hellverine #3

"I think I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending."

.

.

.

.

.

I'm so tired of this. Like it really, really makes me want to take a break from reading and writing and drawing and just everything because it is SO HARD to stay inspired when you have jack shit to work with.

For starters, why can Akihiro not break free from the cycle of "I'm Using You But I Prefer Your Father"? Totally understand how hard the Romulus backstory hits, but Marvel, we do NOT have to just recycle that storyline over and over and over again. It did its damage the first time around. Sabertooth recycled this in Uncanny X-Force. And then again in Sabertooth War. I know it's happened other times with other people, I'm just too lazy and irritated to think back on it at the moment.

I physically cringed reading the last page because whyyyyy did I see it coming a thousand miles away? At this point just kill Logan babes.

Kill Logan.

He's old and crinkly. Clearly we're running out of ideas for his story.

Kill him instead.

What's the purpose of killing Akihiro in Sabertooth War, teasing bringing him back in Hellverine, just to end #3 this way? Like, what is the *intellectual* purpose? From a storytelling perspective, who in editing said "Yes Percy, I absolutely think you should rewrite the SAME STORY that was JUST DONE and just barely change the details. ACTUALLY!! Reuse even older storylines! Will anyone notice?? Noooooo!! Of course not!"

Here's a thought: Could've saved Talon for this story line. Kill off an extra, useless Laura, Logan gets his dead kid and I'm such a sad, sad lonely wolf man angst, and the original sniktblings remain unscathed. Boom!

I say again - when Logan KILLED his own son, it's kinda hard to just keep killing him again and again and expect Logan to be just as devastated. At this point, is he not tired of his son being dead because of him?? Like even in his own universe, is he not thinking 'wow this sure happens a lot... lets go ahead and reverse this'??

And how is Akihiro's healing factor not doing a damn thing?? Theoretically, if his body was put back together even in his grave, he should have/could have healed. And if you wanna argue that, then him being revived - even with a demon - would have been enough to give him the energy and life to self-heal. No one can argue with me about this. His healing factor SHOULD WORK. There is literally no reason for it not to. None at all. And if you still wanna argue that even though you can't, then how come Marvel can magically resurrect characters with their magic writing powers just because but for some reason Akihiro is just really, really dead right now??? The math isn't mathing babe it just isn't.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE HIS SISTERS? At this point I'm legitimately pissed about this glaringly obvious lack of knowledge on a key character. Clearly no one knows what they're doing with this story. Laura and Gabby would be sadder than Logan because Logan historically doesn't give a shit. Why do we get to see sad Logan 500x but nothing from the people in Akihiro's life who CONSISTENTLY were there? Again - bad writing! Bad editing! Can tell they do not do their homework! This is very obviously a LOGAN story and Akihiro, yet again, is just the thick-it powder to mix in runny shit that otherwise lacks substance!

I'm well aware that I am going OFF but I really, really am so unsatisfied with this story. I am clinging to the smallest thread that maybe... MAYBE... someone somewhere will save the day and #4 will reveal a plot twist. Genuinely don't think they're educated enough to pull that off tho. Feel like they know nothing about Akihiro.

"Logan... dad...?" Uh, since when??? Since WHEN??? Show me where that change happened????? Hm????????

If they are really going where they implied they're going with this, I will lose my mind. It's already lost, but I'll lose it even more.

I also started like 3 one-shots to work this out and I just can't. Like the inspiration is dead right now. I'll have to wait until #4.

I really hope that I feel like an idiot when #4 comes out. I really hope it comes full circle and I go "ohhhhhhh THAT'S what they were doing!" but :) I am borrowing hope that I don't actually have :) so :) In conclusion,

Percy, you are a twat and I hope you have a nightmare tonight.

[localplaguenurse]

Tell us.

*cracks knuckles*

Reasons Pantalone is husband material: a thread

So in the context of prev ask, literally anyone would make for a better spouse in an arranged marriage, it’s just that I think Pantalone would be the best because I love him

Because I love him also I’m going off my interpretations of him because where are my fucking crumbs Hoyo it has been a year since his appearance-

First and foremost, he’s a rich bitch. He cannot only provide for you, but he could also spoil you absolutely rotten.

Second, we know he’s very passionate about his work and ideas, going on and on about them. A passion for your craft is a very attractive trait but then you factor in that voice and yeah, even if you don’t know wtf he’s talking about you’re absolutely getting drawn into that discussion just to hear him talk.

He has many stories to share, some he’s more willing to discuss than others, but regardless the stories he has are rarely ever dull. The only dull ones would be business meetings but the voice does the heavy lifting.

From intellectual discussions to hearing him ramble about his day at the bank, no matter how active you are in that conversation, it’s rarely ever a dull one.

He’s the friendliest of the Harbingers save for Childe. His status and his jobs as Harbinger and founder of the Northland Bank means he’s had to learn and master etiquette and manners and how to sweet talk people. Even if it is just a front to get others to trust him, a polite tone and charming smile will get you anywhere if you know when and where to use them.

Getting him to actually open up to you would be a tricky job because childhood trauma is a bitch, but once you actually get him vulnerable you will have that man in the palm of your hand.

His empathy can be a little hit or miss sometimes because again, trauma is a bitch. It’s a side effect of the cynicism he’s developed as a result of growing up in poverty and having to get his hands dirty in one way or another to survive, let alone succeed in life. Still, when it comes to his partner, he takes their troubles and traumas very seriously because he knows what it’s like to be helpless and doesn’t want them of all people to feel that way.

You cannot tell me he isn’t touch starved. In private that man can and will find any way he can to get close to you. He will obvs respect boundaries, but he just finds comfort in your touch. This one is more up to you if it’s a good or bad thing but I like physical touch so it’s good to me.

The man is meticulous. He would want everything to be perfect. He’ll pull whatever strings he can to impress you, and would pay attention to all the things you like. Is there a particular gemstone you like? He’ll make sure all the jewellery he puts on you has them and that they match your attire. You mentioned offhand that there’s a specific dish from Sumeru you haven’t had in a while? Dinner the next day is that exact dish with the most authentic recipe he can have his cooks work from.

Could literally give you any wedding you want, at least as far as cost goes. If it’s some super ridiculous and tacky themed wedding he will more than likely shoot it down, but if we’re talking venues, decor, attire, food, etc, literally do not worry about it. Just tell him what you want and he’ll have it done and paid for yesterday. Small wedding, big wedding, does not matter, he can afford it.

What I’m trying to say is that even if you were to be in an arranged and probably loveless marriage with him, you’d still get a pretty good deal because you still get an interesting and polite man who will take care of your needs. It just happens that if you do marry him for love or eventually fall in love, he will just go all in on you because now he wants to keep you, impress you, and show his appreciation to you.

Anyways seriously hoyo where the fuck is he-

This would’ve been longer but I already shared a lot of my ideas in my domestic pants headcanons, and uh... the rest of my ideas are not pg-13 and I’m not in the smut writing mood (plus I think I’d rather have that in a separate post but I’m not doing it rn)

[lauranthalasah]

Fuck... I'm an idiot, I think I got why so many people felt Orym's nod to Laudna over Bor'Dor so bad.

This is a long one...

See, Orym has been painted as the "good one" by the group, the moraly upstanding, let's say. "The dad friend," the fandom said. And he kinda is, compared to the rest, he has more internal rules, which tend to kindness, respect, etc., and the others clocked it (not saying the other's don't have their own morality, just that Orym seems to have more lines he will object to be crossed).

For a long time, his actions proved this side of him to the Bell's Hells, but what is more important, I think... they start relying on it! Many PCs had done that, from EXU, to C3, to even guest players, somebody said something in the lines of "I look at Orym, if Orym it's okay with it, then I'm good" (I think it was a guess star). The group relaxed over their own process of decision making because they started counting on Orym to call them out if they went too far!

The key thing is... Orym never asked for it! As a mom friend, let me tell you... it's frustrating as hell to have to "parent" people who are my age or older, I do it only because I love them, and I don't want them to die! And Orym showed us his frustration with them a long time ago!! Remember when they all were rising hands over who thought they would all try to kill each other? Remember how Orym just stand up and fucking left?! That's what you do when you are tired of trying to be the voice of reason in a group in which at least four of them are older than you and the other two are adults as well! Hell! Ashton noticed it!

Orym never asked for that position, no one ever does, you just fucking fell into it, and then you care too much for the idiots you call friends... even if you want to killed them yourself half of the time (that's me). In fact, Orym reaaaaly doesn't want to be any kind of leader, not even a "moral" one, but he keeps falling into Chaotic groups, sorry man!

Now, something else the group as a whole fails to realize in its full meaning is that Orym is a soldier in a mission. He has always been, and they know it, intellectually, but they failed to understand the implications of it. Fearne understands Orym, that's why she goes to him when she herself has doubts over Imogen, because she knows what Orym did with Dorian, so she knows Orym must be thinking some strategies just in case, and I'm not sure if she goes to him only because she is worried or also because she wants to show him her support, whatever it is... it's one of the best shows of not only that Fearne loves Orym, but that she actually understands him more than one could think. But Bell's Hells don't have the knowledge that Fearne does, they don't know how lethality serious Orym can get, how he will do things he hates because he things they must be done, they've seen glimpses, but Fearne saw it in all its cold steadfastness when Orym pulled his sword on Dorian, she knows, the rest are going to find out little by little.

So we have Orym trying, for a long time, to understand the enemy, what motivates the members of the Ruby Vanguard, trying to keep seeing them as people, not just "enemies." But he also recognized that he can not be impartial with them. We saw how he left another "should gods live or not" discussion because he is tired of it. Even if he thought (which he doesn't) that all the Gods should died he would not help the Ruby Vanguard, they will always be his enemies. He has been saying it is personal to him since his chat with Chetney. The philosophical conundrum, it's in the end, pointless to him, if he can stop the Ruby Vanguard he will, just for what they did to his people. And even with this as a known factor... he still tried to understand the members of the RV, they were people who have been hurt, even after they killed him, Fearne, and Laudna, Orym still tried to keep that openess of mind and heart.

Until Bor'Dor.

Bor'Dor attacking them after they offered him kindness and friendship, but even worse, I think... it was Bor'Dor attacking Prysm and Deni$e, who had nothing to do with Bell's Hells and their attack to the RV, just because they were there, and he wanted to hurt Ash, Laudna, and Orym. That proved to Orym once and for all that the RV were too dangerous, too cruel in the pursuit of their goals, simply put... they don't care how many innocent people they have to kill to reach their objective. At that moment, Orym went to war, at that moment he became completely the soldier he could be. At that moment, he thought, "He has to die".

And in the middle of this storm we have Laudna on her own, and she looks up, she looks at Orym, hopping he will maybe stop her, the friend that has always stop them from going too far, and she doesn't realize that what she sees is an aspect of her friend she hasn't fully met yet, and because she is used to rely on his instincts over this things... she lets herself go.

So later, when things get a bit calmer, it kinda feels like a betrayal, doesn't it? Why? Why does the friend who always stops us from doing stupid things didn't stop me?! WHY? And the answer is, because he couldn't stop himself.

He didn't betray Laudna, he fails her in the rol SHE had assigned HIM, now they will have to rework their friendship.

This moment weighs in the three of them, Ashton, too. It's obvious in the way he and Orym tell Laudna to take a moment for her. They are trying to help her now. Nothing changes what happened, though.

This is going to be interesting because it's clear that that aspect of Orym's personality, the cold soldier, is quite on the surface now. He is angry, really angry, angry enough that he might not have the strength to keep being the "dad friend", because he might be too focused on keeping himself at bay to be the person who helps the others to do that as well. Like I think he will keep trying to be there for his friends, but his own mental and emotional state makes him less reliable to what the group is used to.

[watchmakermori]

rereading The Bedlam Stacks: my feelings six years on

until recently, I'd only read The Bedlam Stacks the once - back on release, within the span of a few days. I'd enjoyed it at the time, though not nearly as much as my beloved Watchmaker, so I thought it was time to go back to it and see how my feelings on it have changed.

back in 2017, I recall enjoying the first third of the book a lot, finding the middle section a bit slow, and thinking that the ending was a bit sudden. Having reread it again, my thoughts are similar in some respects - I still think that the pacing is strongest at the beginning, and hits a sluggish section once Merrick gets to Bedlam. My feelings on the ending are complicated, because part of me thinks that it's missing something, but part of me thinks it has the best conclusion of any Pulley book so far.

Bedlam is a difficult book for me to critique. There is so much that I love about it, so many isolated scenes and concepts that stick with me, and the prose is fresher and more beautiful than I remembered. The scene where Raphael turns to stone for 70 years is so beautifully, horrifyingly handled. The markayuq are a haunting, fascinatingly original concept. Merrick and Raphael, while hitting a lot of the classic Pulley duo tropes, stand out in many other ways - the fact that their romance is only implied, and left somewhat ambiguous, is actually a novelty against the context of her other works. They also feel more...mirrored than other Pulley pairings? Most of her romances seem to thrive on difference. Differences in class, in race, in intellectual standing, in physical strength. And obviously Raphael and Merrick have some of that, but they're also markedly similar in a lot of ways. Even though Merrick doesn't have Raphael's strength, he does have the memory of being a much stronger and healthier man. Both characters have a past of physical violence, and they are both shown to be capable of it in the narrative itself, as with when Raphael shoots the passing traveller and Merrick strangles Martel to death.

Their relationship to disability is also similarly mirrored, because both of them are haunted by old versions of themselves. Raphael is watching himself turn into a markayuq, feeling himself lose time and mobility, knowing that his transformation is impending and inevitable. Merrick also knows that he will never again be the man he was before his leg injury; he has to adjust to it, to work around it and accept that it has changed him. The acceptance of inevitability is a really interesting theme in Bedlam, which feeds all the way through Merrick and Raphael's central friendship. They don't really get the best of anything - they meet under bad circumstances, for less than a month, and they will never have enough time together due to Raphael's condition and a thousand other factors. But that doesn't mean that their friendship isn't worth something, that it isn't immensely precious.

So there's a great deal that I love about Bedlam on a thematic level, but I do think that the actual plotting of the book is quite weak overall. There are lots of isolated scenes that I love, but the connecting tissue is somewhat thin. The middle of the book involves a lot of waiting - waiting for the snow to clear, waiting for Clem to return, waiting for Raphael to tell Merrick the truth and take him beyond the salt line. Merrick does not have a great deal of intentional impact on the narrative, so it does often feel like you're sitting around waiting for the plot to come to him.

That's not to say that the plot needed to be bolder or bigger. It didn't need to focus more on the search for quinine. Honestly, I don't think high-stakes drama is one of Pulley's strengths - her forte is small interpersonal conflicts between select units of characters. In Watchmaker, the conflict and stakes don't really come from the lurking bomb threat or the police investigation - it's about Thaniel struggling with his own desires over the impulse to do the 'right' thing. Grace represents a more conventional path for him - a wife, a house, a future with children, and the money to look after his sister and nephews. But Mori is who he actually wants. And those warring desires come into greater and greater conflict as the story moves from beginning to middle to end. Thaniel's goals are not static.

But in Bedlam, there isn't that same sense of escalating tension and raising stakes. Merrick has his reservations about Raphael and whether he is dangerous, but ultimately, those reservations don't really change the decisions he makes. So much of what happens feels like it was always going to happen, which means that a lot of the tension feels somewhat...inorganic. Intangible. There isn't even the threat of discovery for most of the book, because Raphael knows exactly why Merrick is in Bedlam and Merrick makes no attempt to hide the truth. He keeps quiet about the threat of the army, but even if Raphael had discovered it sooner, it doesn't feel like it would've materially impacted how the story played out.

So it's a hard book for me to articulate my feelings on. The themes and concepts and characters and isolated scenes are excellent, but the story feels - just slightly - like it is less than the sum of its parts. At times, it seems more like a series of episodic events than a narrative, even if those episodic events are still deeply enjoyable.

But the ending is immensely powerful. The melancholy and the joy of it. The simple devotion of Merrick being there when Raphael wakes, 20 years later, with a cup of coffee - which was what Merrick had gone to make when Raphael first went into stasis. It is simultaneously an act of mundanity, and also an act of incredible loyalty and dedication - and love often does shine brightest in those small moments of devotion.

A while ago, I was lamenting that Pulley only ever gives us happy, cosy endings rather than something more tragic and bittersweet, but I don't think I was actually accurate on that. The conclusion of Bedlam is desperately sad, for all its loveliness. Because while Raphael and Merrick are reunited, we can't know how long they will have together. The story denies us that knowledge, that closure, by ending just as Raphael laughs.

I'm so glad I reread it. It is a bit of an odd fish next to all of Pulley's other works, and that makes me appreciate it much more with retrospect. This reread also reminded me, on a more general level, of everything I love about Pulley's writing - the sublime weirdness and the quirky characters and the nonchalance with which she handles speculative elements. For all her flaws as a writer, nobody is doing it like her, and I truly cannot wait for The Mars House.

[welcome-to-oslov]

Sounds like a stupid basic question, but: what is bothering Tilrey the most in terms of being SO upset ever since he found out what he's going to have to do on Election Night?

He tells Bror today,  “A few more conceited old guys, a few more cocks, nothing to it," but that's the opposite of what he really feels. Yet... it's kinda true. What's the big deal at this point, right (ugh).

Is that it's just triggering a ton of deeply held PTSD from that original night at the officers' brothel? Is it that "new people" still just upset him so much ("not another man, not another stranger")?

Is he scared or humiliated to be watched & on display - that maybe it *will* be all of them watching every new man go through fucking him, not just Ansha? They did all watch him be fucked by Vlastor at the Spring Fling, masturbating over him & coming all over him. It seemed like at that point in the night he couldn't even care anymore, but maybe he did? Is he just scared physically, of doing so much in one night?

It seems like he's even more scared emotionally. So curious to dig into his mind even more! Poor guy

Not basic at all! I want to dig into that very question in the next chapter, so thank you for reminding me!

I think it’s all about Tilrey’s anxiety and quest for control. Coming to Redda was a catastrophe for him, and so were his early nights with the Island Party, because he didn’t know what to expect and couldn’t prepare himself. He knows intellectually that he’s been with Ansha before, and he’s been with lots of Councillors, and he tells himself this is just more of the same, no big deal. But there are too many wild card factors. He’s never been on display with Ansha for a whole bunch of people. He’s never slept with these particular Councillors. It’s the unknown and uncontrollable pieces that freak him out.

He tends to dread things a lot, then feel relieved after the bad thing happens and he survives, and THEN have a delayed worse reaction to it. So with the Spring Fling, for instance, he was pretty numb toward the end, but his delayed reaction was refusing food, etc. for days afterward. Maybe he’s starting to understand this about himself—the reaction he has when the adrenaline is flowing is actually not as bad as the PTSD that will hit him later. Speaking for myself, anyway, it’s the way the trauma shapes our future responses that really fucks us over.

[loki-zen]

my posish on the longtermism thing is pretty much like max’s;

intuitively future people don’t have moral weight to me, but when I examine that, the problem is really that they’re hypothetical. We do not even know if these people will exist, nevermind in what circumstances. Short of absolute gimmes like ‘if the current only known habitable planet for our species became less habitable, that would probably be bad’, trying to plan for these folk is just guesswork.

If you go on to add shit like ‘yeah, but there will be way more of them than people who are alive now, due to population growth and space colonisation and uploading, so we have to spend a lot of time and effort on this because of The Numbers*’ is… well, if I didn’t know EAs better**, I’d think it was pure Cope to justify spending time on abstract intellectual endeavours that people enjoy over the depressing messy business of trying to help people in real life. Warm Fuzzies in a ‘Shut up and multiply’ t-shirt.

*that I just made up. If you posit a sufficiently sci-fi means of there being simply loads and loads of people one day, you can overcome any factor of uncertainty as to whether you can meaningfully do anything about it with the sheer weight of the numbers that, to reiterate, you made up.

**not that I know them particularly well! I mostly know Ozy these days. But what is true of them and - I gather, largely from them - many/most longtermist EAs is that longtermist cause areas are not their sole focus. They are therefore still more serious about actually helping people in the real world than the majority of people who engage with or work for charities.

[chiisana-sukima]

ive actually been thinking about it a lot since i posted that and i agree with you that general rape culture is part of the reason people don't notice that sam gets sexually assaulted

like the scenes that are cut and dry sexual assault scenes (no magic. no hell. no magic potion shit) usually portray the woman like a black widow/femme fatale type i.e meg in nightmare and we're so used to seeing those scenes that they don't even register because its the idea that women get their power from sex and being attractive ya know?

so i do think it's less that male victims are played as jokes since most of the time i think the scenes are played pretty straight (for the most part, they guy in tall tales is a big exception and there are sooooo many rape jokes but actual scenes, we usually see sam and dean as not enjoying these things and the audience are meant to root for them to get away so) and more that we're just used to the idea that this is the way women *can* intimidate men ya know?

(also feel free not to answer if you dont feel comfortable <3)

Yup, I think everything you said here is 100% true, and that there are other factors at play too that fit under the "rape culture" umbrella.

You absolutely will not believe some of the insane, hardcore rape apology shit people will say to me in defense of pretend SA in a silly TV show, even after they know I'm a survivor. Because of the demographic of spn Tumblr fandom, most of these conversation partners are liberal women or AFAB nbs. And apparently honestly unaware what they're saying is deeply offensive and horrifying. Some of them are legitimately Sam fans. And to make matters even more tragic, often they are survivors themselves.

Mostly I think we are all--all genders included--afraid. Afraid we could lose control of our bodies, our relationships, our home inside the vessel where we store our Self. It makes us so defensive that to have someone talk about it without subterfuge is seen as a threat rather than an act of human fellowship.

And then as one big part of the defense against that fear, we often emotionally accept--even if intellectually we know it's not true--the pervasive lie that strong, upstanding people can't be raped, and especially that men can't be raped unless there is something so fundamentally wrong with them that they no longer count as part of the social category "men". And we accept the converse lie too; that good people can't rape, and therefore if someone isn't 100% irredeemable the sexual assault alleged by their victim can't really have happened. I see this in fandom with both on-screen and off-screen SA, with SA jokes, and across male and female perpetrators.

A couple examples under the cut. The cut is there in case you aren't a masochist and don't like the feeling of needing eyeball bleach.

SA happens because you're a bad person:

Tbf to OP, post one is liveblogging 12x02, where we don't know immediately that it's SA. Otoh they felt no need to liveblog the reveal that Sam wasn't in fact a dirty whore who was fucking his torturer because he's just that slutty. And the later post on why Sam gets sexually assaulted so often, is not substantially different reasoning

Or maybe it's not SA at all. Because you're a bad person and also crazy (italics at the beginning are a quote from me):

It's not rape if I like the rapist, plus bonus you made me do it because you're a bad person:

And the all time, best ever, gold metal winners, from Mark P and Sebastian Roche:

Video of the panel is gone, but there is contemporaneous liveblogging:

This is from a con in January 2015. Sooooo right after O Brother Where Art Thou when Lucifer made the rape joke/threat while Sam cried. Could totally have been consensual though, because Lucifer isn't as bad as people make him out to be, dontchaknow. And Mark P is a nice guy who respects women (lol), so obviously it wasn't a rape joke. He would never. (┛`д´)┛彡┻━┻

[atopvisenyashill]

What if soon after her death some red priest or something found Elia's body and resurrected her? Basically, what if Elia became Lady Stoneheart instead of Cat?

oooo interesting scenario. so the main differences here between UnElia and UnCat would be

location - obvious but major. cat is in the riverlands, the scene of the crime, her homelands, a region already in turmoil. elia dies in kl, the scene of the crime, the heart of westeros, and not her home. if the priest doesn’t find her until her body is on its way to dorne, then she’s in her homelands, but nowhere near the scene of the crime & those responsible.

magical awareness - thoros never purposefully brings beric back, he just does the rites and beric comes back. similarly, beric was working off pure instinct when he kissed UnCat into life. this would be very different from a random priest bringing Elia back, bc they’d be doing it on purpose.

motivation - again, thoros was just mourning his lover friend who had fallen in battle. beric saw the wife of the man he swore himself too & felt moved to safe her. WHY is this random priest bringing her back? are they a targaryen loyalist? do they just really hate robert/tywin/jon arryn? did they perform the ritual at the behest of oberyn perhaps? hell, we know oberyn is a smart, intellectually curious man, did HE perform the ritual?

it's kind of unclear how much UnCat is "aware" of so to speak - while regular, living Cat would probably understand Brienne's argument that Jaime has been helping her (she might not spare Brienne regardless, but she would spare Podrick!), UnCat can't even comprehend it. To her, morality is very simple - good people live, bad people die. Is this a part of Cat simply deciding to kill the compassion in her ("kill the girl" so to speak) or is this the corrupting trauma of being brought back to life? Beric's memories were hazy but his sense of morality was not changed by his magic, whereas UnCat's seems much more callous than her living self! So is UnElia capable of some sort of rationale, of planning, and is purposefully pushing down her more gentle nature, or is she just a vessel of fury and vengeance?

so taking all that into account - and reminder this is just my own read on the characters - i think the location she is brought back in is the biggest factor into how capable she is of doing damage. if she’s brought back in dorne, i imagine she just instinctively tries to get back to the water gardens (a place she associates with safety, her family, and children), and the image of doran, oberyn, and little arianne, obara, tyene, nym, and sarella walking into the water gardens to a zombified elia just standing there?? chefs kiss, amazing, horrifying!! after that, i’m not sure what she would try - if loreza is still alive, does she attack her mother for marrying her to rhaegar? does she attack doran for “failing” her? does she prefer to haunt sunspear until someone comes looking for the mysterious ghoul or does she approach her brother right away, attempting to convince them to help her avenge her children with fire and blood? hell, does she get wind of doran’s plans & try to get to dany & viserys herself??

if she’s brought back in KL, i think this is the spiciest conflict because i think she could do the most damage here. I think a vengeful ghoul type would have a really easy time disappearing into Fleabottom or the woods around KL, gathering some loyalists, and sending them out to do her violent bidding. I think she would even need some help getting around a bit - we see Cat and Beric's injuries do heal, but at a human slow rate, ie Cat is capable of some short sentences because her vocal chords have started to heal but not completely (and the time frame from when he first meet her at ASOS to when we run into her again in AFFC roughly fits how long it would take vocal chords to heal from being damaged. someone made a post about this years ago, i'm too lazy to find it, you just have to take me at my word and experience with my mama's surgery that accidentally damaged a vocal chord haha). So while Elia would probably eventually be healed up enough to move around, she likely has a lot of internal bleeding, crushed bones, and a caved in skull. That skull is going to grow back last, so she probably, like Cat, wears something to cover it - a creepy cloak or mask for the back of her head. That damage being so obvious will definitely spur some Dornish or Targ loyalists to her side, the way Cat's injuries clearly disturb Thoros and the BWB when they discuss her. They're a constant reminder of what Elia and her babies went through, and a firm rallying cry for her.

In KL, too, is where Elia's enemies are. Imagine being Robert, new to your throne, and then getting reports of a secret, shadowy woman building a group in Fleabottom of Targaryen loyalists, who is always just out of his reach? Imagine Elia's fury when Cersei is crowned queen, her family rewarded for the brutal murders of innocent children! And remember the secret passageways of the Red Keep, how effective a group of righteously angry people can be at using them to get to the new little queen or the big bad king.

If Elia were to be raised in KL, regardless of how she's raised or whether she keeps much of her nature, I think walking around with a broken body and a missing skull, surrounded by the family who slaughtered yours mercilessly, would be enough to drive anyone to anger and violence. And we know there are plenty of people who are willing to exploit those feelings, especially after Tywin has sacked the city, Jaime has murdered Aerys, and anti Lannister sentiment is probably a bit high. God, imagine Elia meeting Jaime again. Convincing poor traumatized, drowning in guilt, 16 year old Jaime to help her get justice for her murdered babies, what's a little kinslaying after he's already killed the king after all, and didn't he swear to protect her and her children, and do as she says? Oh delicious.

[goodluckclove]

hey so like i'm sure we all know this is a thing in the back of your mind, but i feel the need to say it. flaunting ignorance and having that be the end of the story is a bad look. most would agree with that.

but shaming people for what they don't know? also shit. it's shit, and it's very likely a major factor in people who end up doubling down in being proud for not trying to learn more things. because in they're mind, doing that keeps them from acting like you.

when i was in school i was not in advanced science or math classes. i just followed the sort of default path there. but i definitely had people younger than me who made fun of me for not being Ahead of the Curve, and that radically decreased my enthusiasm to actually try. I used to avoid my friends when they were all gathering to do homework because i was embarrassed that i was in a more remedial math class than they were. it wasn't until nearly a decade out of school that i realized i actually had a great deal of interest in certain aspects of STEM subjects - because by then i fully separated myself from the kinds of people who would probe asking oh you don't know this? why don't YOU know this? EVERYBODY knows this. look how much I know LOOK AT MEEEE.

like anti-intellectualism is not great. but it's also - like - not entirely the product of the people that believe in the philosophy. i am not one of those people, but i can absolutely see why someone would fall down that pipeline if they stick to certain channels for long enough.

i don't know where i'm going with this. deeply annoyed by people who take the amount of information they've accrued and treat it as if it's proof they're morally superior. incredibly grateful for my brilliant engineer wife, who has been immensely passionate about science for all their life and allows me to ask as many questions as i want about a subject until i understand it.

learning about the world is actually super cool and even cringe people should have welcome access to doing so without feeling like the alternative is societal exile.

[limeade-l3sbian]

Dunno if it’s okay to sad rant here?

I have two cats, and while getting two wasn’t part of my initial plan, at the time when they were kittens, they were the last of their litter and separating felt wrong to me. I was also in a vastly different financial situation back then so it was not an issue at all. Even though getting two cats weren’t the plan, I can easily say they are both my most consistent boosts of happiness. I love them with all my heart. They have vastly different personalities and quirks and yet they are also both exceedingly funny and charming. Unfortunately one of the sisters have a poorer health than the other. Nothing fatal, thankfully. She simply needs foods and necessities that are more than twice as expensive as the other, to help her with this. With that it’s perfectly manageable and nothing that could endanger her.

My issues comes with my financial situation. It has changed drastically due to a lot of outside forces. And now i’m severely struggling with even just meeting the bills just for living where i am. What was previously more expensive for one cat is now an intense stress factor. I obviously can’t just stop giving her the things she needs. But I also can’t see a future with the way things are going.

So I’ve made the, to many probably, brutal decision to part ways with her. Within the next month or so Im gonna have to find her a new home, a place where I know for sure all her meets can be met without her new owner getting grey hairs over it. Obviously till then i’m still gonna live even more sparingly to meet them too for her. But I feel like such a sack of shit. I love her with all my heart and now I can’t even be her mom anymore. And she’s probably the one that’s most attached to my hip, so my heart is breaking even more both for her and myself. I fear she will have a horribly tough time adjusting to someone else and getting properly attached. She’s a lot more reserved towards strangers than her sister. I just want her to be happy. And I know in the long run I can’t fulfill that anymore, because eventually they will get old and will need much more frequent vet visits besides the yearly check up vaccine and tooth rinse. What if she develops more health issues, ones that are life or death situations? Then it won’t matter that I love her as much as I do, that won’t pay the vet bills. I stress constantly over this thought.

While I can intellectualize my decision to re-home her, I really do feel like I’m committing an immense betrayal.

First, I'm so sorry, anon. Growing up, I had to give up two different pets after we were too poor to take care of them. I know how painful it can be to become so close to a pet just to have to give them up.

But for your guilt, I think you should feel nothing close to a betrayal. The most compassionate thing you can do as an owner is realize when your situation cannot give them the life they need and make that hard decision. Does it hurt like hell? Does it feel like you are ruining their lives? Does it feel like you will never get over it? Oh god, yes. That's the worst part about a hard moment.

But ultimately, the long term of your decision will bear more fruits than keeping her and feeling shame when you cannot feed her or tend to her medical issues. You can absolutely feel sad and bad and everything in between. But just know that being able to realize what is best for something under your care is far stronger than it might feel in the moment. <3