#i know this is probably so insignificant to people. but she was my first loss.

[eenochian]

i found a song that i listened to the night before my family had to put one of my cats to sleep and now i am just. sitting here crying. fuckin hate it here man.

[pattybbee]

Sunday

11:43 am

I have been in a roller coaster. The other day I was at the peak but yesterday I woke up in the pit. It was the feeling of misery again. Fear. Insecurity. Emotional Trauma. And I really, really just don’t want to be here anymore. In this place, in this neighborhood. I fought this feeling hard as I tried to fall asleep. I fought with what I knew I was worth. Repeating to myself over and over that I am above this suffering. I succeeded for the night. But I woke up as the same, demotivated girl that I have been while I was in the said state I’ve been trying to escape. The sun is bright outside. It’s a beautiful Sun-day. Yet I’ve been refusing to wake up since 7:25 am. I have abandoned my morning workout. Abandoned my Sunday morning freedom, to stroll this neighborhood. It was already 11 when I finally decided to have a beautiful day—on the outside. Because we all know that most days, I can make daily life look aesthetically pleasing.

I made my refrigerator stock of rice, some green beans for lunch, coffee and warmed up a pastry to start my day.

Which person should I be today? Which personality am I deploying?

A very tricky feature that’s built in me is my multiple personalities. The struggle is…they’re not friends. They have different interests and different methods to go around things. This feature isn’t bad because it allows me to understand people who are different than me, very deeply. My mind is open, and nonjudgmental…to others. But to myself? Very judgmental. One personality won’t let the other be. It’s an episode of Split every time and the personalities are fighting for their turn for the spotlight in this body.

I just want to finally come undone, have a mental breakdown and cry. I’m pretty sure it’s the Pisces in me. Having my Venus in Pisces, the love, romance and financial department of my life is a wreck. Exalted in theory but a wreck in execution. I just want to process a heartbreak sometimes but my Moon in Leo, and Sun in Capricorn are judging my Venus in Pisces for that need. Leo asks why? “Have you seen you? Why would you be sad over insignificant people? You are the loss.” Capricorn says, “It’s not even worth it. Not worth the time. Not worth the thought. If you pull up to the receipts, you can see that you’ve been at a disadvantage. So just cut the losses because really, the only thing that you’ve lost was money for spending time with people who didn’t see your value. You will be richer if you invest in yourself instead." By the way, I have my Mars in Cancer, and she will eventually want to wish a certain person a horrible outcome. She probably even caused this nostalgia in the first place! But for now, she’s retreated in her shell, sleeping sadly with my kitty cat babies, after wreaking havoc in my head.  My Sagittarius Rising just wants to get out of here honestly. Just let karma run its course. Just want to go to the gym, do sunset yoga by the river and be productive. And maybe that’s the only comfort my Venus in Pisces can seek solace from. Do Venusian things to escape. Maybe start writing again, start cooking, make videos or watch slow living vlogs to calm myself with the daydream that that’s me if I had it my way—my Piscean way.

Most of my personality is tough. And they usually take the wheel. And because of it, I couldn’t feel things as it happens. It’s very delayed because my pride won’t let me. In certain matters of the heart, my mind could never accept what has been done to me. My heart could get all beaten and blue, and my brain will still say no one broke it. It’s not heartbreaking, rather it’s just disappointing.

 What most of my friends say is... “You are in your head too much”. And that’s true. I predominantly operate in my head and not in my feelings. That personality doesn’t get to be in the spotlight too much. And when it does, it gets judged. I don’t hate my other personality traits however, because they’re not wrong. They are all for me. To back me up and to soothe me. Yet the irony of it all is that it’s always Me against Me. But even if sometimes they don’t sync, that’s okay because by the end of the day all I have is me and my multiple versions. At some point they will all have to agree.

[murdererofthumbs]

So today’s episode was a wild emotional rollercoaster for Roman girlies. I honestly think that in order for me to comprehend every episode I need to watch it twice, because first watch is always an over-anxious mess, when I just want to find out what happens, and then I can actually start thinking properly when stress levels are down to normal.

But I do have some thoughts based on both the episode and what people have been saying so far:

1) First, I knew since previous episode that although Kendall was full of shit when he said he will include Shiv in everything, Roman was absolutely serious about that. And he proved it! Literally tried to run every decision by her (and that makes me so happy, because he just wants his siblings to be together and work together and be a fucking family). But on the other hand… We are all aware that Shiv will not take that under consideration, right? As far as she is aware, her brothers fucked her over with their CEO-COO positions and that is enough for her to get vindictive and look for blood. So even though I’m happy that Roman remained true to his word, I also think that Shiv will stab him in the back anyway. Because she IS the most similar to Logan (don’t come at me, I love Shiv, but these are just the facts - if push comes to shove she will leak the whole Gerri-Roman dick incident and bury her brother if it means asserting her position).

2) I think it’s becoming more and more clear that Roman is heading towards some pretty dark place (I don’t think he will be able to hold his delusions for much longer, he is falling apart at the seams and there doesn’t seem to be anything that could fill out the gaping holes inside of him). The fact that each episode of Succession is supposed to be, what, one-two days (it has to be two days in this episode at least), means that since Logan’s death none of them had any breather from the grief and pain that this loss has caused them. But unlike Kendall and Shiv who both in their own ways acknowledged Logan’s passing and made semi (and I mean very semi)-peace with it, Roman is not even near that stage. He is still very much glorifying his dad (that trauma bond is holding very strong in there), and I feel like he might also not be sleeping. You know, sleep? The time when your subconscious mind roams free and brings all your possibly repressed thoughts on the forefront of your mind? Yeah, my bet is on pretty strong sleep deprivation here. Add some extremely palpable anxiety and trying to keep everything together and you have a nice ticking bomb ready to implode at any given moment (and he kinda did implode there with Matsson but it was still very much coated in delusions and projections of his own guilt).

Also - the pills. I know some girlies last week were like “oh guys chill, it’s just advil”, but having them flashed two episodes in the row? Nah, Succession writers don’t seem like the type to provide insignificant shots, and in combination with his nervous exterior, Roman taking some sort of pills makes perfect sense. I don’t know where this will lead to, but I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by negative thoughts (you guys really need to stop with Roman-suicide predictions, just…don’t).

3) Last thing is that as far as we are aware, Roman still doesn’t know that Kendall was the one behind leaking negative stuff about Logan to the media. I feel like they didn’t even get to the good (bad) stuff yet. And can you imagine what will happen then, considering how fucking unstable Roman was in this episode (without all that bullshit adding to his mental state)? Yeah, I don’t wang to imagine, but it will be really fucking bad. My prediction and that might be a stretch, but for some reason I feel like it will all culminate during Logan’s funeral (which I assume will be one of the episodes, considering Connor’s phone call and him sending Roman pics of their dead dad (!!!)). Both the shit about Logan and Roman’s downfall will probably come crushing down at the most difficult moment, where he will actually have to acknowledge that Logan is not only dead, but also very much a piece of shit and abuser.

Anywho, this show is a slaughterhouse and I both love it (derogatory) and hate it (affectionate).

[sxypigeon]

What do you think? - Wenclair

Enid thinks Wednesday might be into her, but needs to talk it out.

___

If someone had to describe me in one word, it would probably be something bland like “personable” or “friendly.”  I mean, fine I guess that would be true, but it bothers me.  And by someone I mean Ajax.

Not that I’m saying Ajax bothers me - it just kind of seems like he should know me better by this stage of our relationship.  Sure, we’d only been dating for like two weeks before classes ended, but even after a month together since coming back from break it still feels like we’re no closer to each other than when we first started dating.

I know I could just bring it up to him and we could talk like mature adults, but with wolfing out and all of the new shit that comes with that, it just seems so insignificant.  I want someone who knows me without me having to explain all of it to them.  Someone who understands when I’m extra fidgety or irritated it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be near them, it’s just a week before the full moon and my brain is still adjusting to everything.

I’m being selfish, but it’s hard not to be when it feels like someone else understands me better and might be trying to get my attention in a “more than friendly” way.

***

Calculus technically had seven minutes left, but nearly everyone had given up on starting today’s homework, including Enid.  

“Do you think Weems is really okay with being undead?” she asked Yoko as she scrolled through her phone.

“Once you get over the trauma of dying, it’s not that bad - although that would assume your roomie got everything right.”

A dry voice in the row ahead of them inquired, “Are you asking for a demonstration?  I’m curious to know if the process would work on a vampire.”

“Wednesday, while I would love a chance to peek at your ancestor’s book of black magic, I’m not that interested.”

The seer turned back to her assignment with a shrug.  “Your loss.”

Yoko eyed the back of Wednesday's head nervously.  “Enid, do I need to be concerned about how quickly she dropped that?”

The werewolf rolled her eyes and huffed an exasperated sigh.  “Wednesday has agreed not to try out anything in that book on her - or my - friends.”

“Well thank god you’re friends with nearly everyone.”

“It does make things significantly more difficult,” Wednesday muttered as she turned a page in her textbook.  

The bell rang and a flurry of haphazardly shoving possessions into bags preceded a mass exodus.  

Nearly half the class followed the same path to fencing, which was quickly becoming one of Enid’s favorites since wolfing out.  With her slightly heightened senses, she could almost predict when an attack would come just from her opponent’s breathing and heart rate . . . unless she was dueling Wednesday.  No one should be able to control themselves as well as the seer does.

Enid was midway through changing in the locker room when she felt a cool hand carefully touch her bare shoulder.

“Enid, you forgot your calculator.”

The werewolf turned to see her vertically challenged roommate holding said device.

“Oh, thanks Wends.”  

As Wednesday left to find her own locker, Enid was left with a strangely warm feeling in her chest.  This wasn’t the first time the seer had retrieved something the werewolf had forgotten, but this was one of the first times she’d initiated physical contact.  

***

Okay, so that might not seem like a big deal, but this is Wednesday Addams!  She doesn’t like being touched or touching other people so, yeah it kind of is a huge deal.  She could have just said my name to get my attention, but she went further.

I’m not saying this is proof of some deep, romantic feelings, but it was the start of a trend.  Nearly everyday since then, she’s voluntarily touched me, whether to get my attention or to express some emotion she can’t be bothered to voice.  A nudge, standing closer than her personal space usually allows - it’s just novel enough to be noticeable.

It took every ounce of my nearly limitless supply of patience not to comment on it.  It’s absolutely driving me insane not knowing exactly why Wednesday’s gotten more touchy-feely, but I’m trying to give her the social space she usually needs.  I have theories, but . . .yeah.

***

Enid was running late, like “I might actually miss the beginning of class” late.  It was her own fault for staying up late to argue with anons on reddit about the politics surrounding pack law, but sometimes you just gotta get shit off your chest.  

Wednesday did try to get her moving forty-five minutes ago, but being the idiot Enid is, the werewolf made the mistake of laying back down once her roomie had left for breakfast.  So here Enid was, jogging across the quad without breakfast to first period world history.

Technically walking into class as the bell is ringing, isn’t late, right?  Either way, she muttered an apology to the professor as she hurried to her seat.  

Dropping moodily into her seat, Enid didn’t miss Wednesday’s raised eyebrow.  The taller girl mouthed “I know” and began pulling her notes from her bag.  When she looked back up to her desk, Enid found a breakfast sandwich in front of her.  “Did you?” she mouthed to Wednesday who simply nodded in return.

***

So like with the causal touches, that wasn’t a one off thing either.  Whenever I was running late, she’d make sure to have something for me, usually one of my favorites, and she started getting dessert at lunch and dinner just to give to me because she knows I have a huge sweet tooth.  

And then there’s the nights one of us has to wake the other from a nightmare-

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you there, Enid,” Bianca spat as she rubbed her temples.

Xavier sighed and let his face fall into his hands.  “Why are you telling us this and not Yoko?” came his muffled voice.

Enid huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.  “Because I already have, but like any good journalist, I’m seeking out multiple opinions on the situation.”

“By informing us of your conclusions before we can make our own?” the siren quipped.

“Well, I guess . . . shoot.”  Enid copied Xavier and dropped her face into her hands.  Maybe asking her fellow “Spring Fling!” planners wasn’t her smartest decision . . .especially since Xavier and Ajax were super tight.

“I’m confused about what you want from us,” Xavier stated as he sat up.  “Do you like Wednesday?  Are you breaking up with Ajax?”

“I don’t know,” Enid admitted.  “I mean, I don’t want to misinterpret her intentions and make her feel like she’s done anything wrong, but I don’t want to ignore it either if she is trying to get my attention.”

“First thing you need to do is break up with Ajax,” Bianca stated.

“Wait, what?” Xavier demanded.  “Enid said it herself he’s done nothing wrong.”

“True, but she already has one foot out the door.  He deserves to be with someone as invested in the relationship as he is.”

Enid shifted uncomfortably in her seat.  “Yeah, he does.”

“Second thing you need to do is tell Wednesday you’ve broken up with him.”

“You think she’s just going to admit to liking Enid once she finds out she’s single?” 

Bianca glared at Xavier, “Our resident goth isn’t known for being shy.”  Her face softened as she turned to Enid, “I’m not saying she’s going to spill her guts to you instantly, but if she is interested, she might up her game a bit.”

“Or you could just tell her you like her,” Xavier muttered with a scowl.

“Wednesday . . . is like a feral cat looking for a home,” Enid said slowly.  “She’s spent most of her life surviving alone, but she’s realized there’s a better way to live.  If I confront her suddenly, she might get spooked and bolt.”

“So the third thing you need to do . . . Sweetie, you need to flirt with her and make it kind of obvious,” Bianca explained patiently.  “Though I have no idea where you’d even begin with that girl.”

“I have a few ideas,” Enid muttered with a faraway look.  A moment later, she focused back on the group in front of her.  “Thank you so much for listening.  I’m so sorry for dumping this on you both out of nowhere.  It’s just been going around in circles in my head for ages and - I’ll make it up to you!  I volunteer to coordinate the food and drinks while you two get to do the music and decorations.”

Bianca nodded immediately.  “Let’s just go with that and end things for tonight.  I think we all have plenty to think about.”

“Sure,” Xavier pouted.

“Okay, thanks guys. You’re the best!”

Bianca and Xavier watched the werewolf rush from the room.  “So, still nursing that crush I see?”

“No,” Xavier insisted.  “I know she doesn’t like me that way.  It’s just that it was easier to deal with before I found out she liked someone else.”

Bianca gave him the driest look the siren could manage.

“Okay, fine.  Maybe a little.”

“Hurts doesn’t it?”

Xavier sighed tiredly.  “At least it’s not Tyler this time.”

[trelltrain]

i’ve seen a few people doing my pirates life or death predictions and i thought it would be fun to explain them more here!! (but now i’ve decided to switch a few things)

DIES

Aimsey : already dead

Guqqie : already dead

Watermunch: a kestrel and kite have already died so i have a feeling a heron is next… idk why i think it’ll be water but i just can’t really see any of the other herons dying super early

Reddoons: too much alcohol

Tubbo: another kite… i have a feeling he’ll get shot in the back again and it’ll be a lot worse than him losing a hat

Graecie: the first nightingale to fall! i feel like she would die trying to save somebody, maybe from the corruption or one of the terrible beasts

Ros: yet another nightingale! graecies death was the beginning of the end, the nightingales are in shambles and something goes very wrong and Ros loses her life because of it.

Bek: another kite.. i forgot how little hope i had in these guys…. he probably attacks somebody to try level out the groups but it backfires and the kites go down yet again

Oli: a mishap with the crab wife….

Krow: holy shit another kite my god… the other factions by now have probably seen the gaps in the kites and seeing as how none of them like them, they’re gonna try remove kites from the picture, sorry krow…

Michela: (first difference from my original post!) since she wasn’t there on the first day, she get curious and goes back to the island that aimsey went missing at and doesn’t come back

Olive: cruppy

Martyn: i have TWO predictions for this man, either scott gets revenge for limited life and murders him in cold blood, OR he finds his loot shard, fakes his death, and gets the hell out of there

Kyle: downfall of the kestrels! the richest man is gone! i actually have no ideas on how he’ll die i just know he will

Scott: as much as a hate to admit it, his ass is NOT surviving… most likely trying to save kyle (which doesn’t work) or trying to save acho, or if he really wants to ruin our day he’ll probably have an insignificant death, leaving him with no legacy and making him fail as a heron.

LIVES

Owen: Seems good at survival i reckon she could cheek his way out of trouble

Apo: one of the two who didn’t succumb to the madness of the fall of the nightingales…

Acho: lives, but has to deal with the loss of scott, the only family member who he cared for

Sausage: probably hides with alison the whole time like a wuss

Scar: should have died but is saved by the hero Captain Jellie!

Puffy: look… at least one kite had to live… and it’s most likely puffy, she’s BEEN on the ocean (and she’s got her own song about it too)

Eloise: the cardboard box saves her from a life ending blow

Cleo: after scott dies they do everything in their power to live for the both of them

ORIGINAL LIST!:

[subaerial-dweller]

Hello there! I've woken back up, I'm going to post more funny silly little Generation Loss thingies. Yesterday we evolved from theories to ideas to headcanons, it was wild. Anyway! More Generation Loss things I thought of when I was rewatching.

PART FIVE: LIVE OR DIE

By far my favourite/most painful part of the series to watch was when we had to choose whether GL!Ranboo lived or died. I chose Live, I don't know if I regret that now, because obviously if he had lived he would be, uh, recycled, and just made to perform over and over again. But something that I really find interesting is this choice is the only choice we make that has a huge impact on the story. Everything else was insignificant, really. It impacted the details, the character's words, but nothing else. It doesn't matter if the monster was part pickle, it always would have dragged GL!Sneeg away like that. It doesn't matter what goes into the slime dish, the Slime Demon would have approved either way. Or maybe he wouldn't have. Obviously GL!Sneeg failed the slime challenge, he was put in that cage for a while, so maybe it did all matter. But out of universe, we were always going to have three episodes.

When it came to Episode 2, I got all twisted up in the choosing who to live or die on the merry-go-round, but I think that's just my delightful overthinking morally panicked brain. And either way, everyone there died. Well, "died". Or maybe actually died. OK I have a lot of thoughts right now this could be the topic of another time.

But the point is, Live or Die in the third episode directly affected our person here, and it altered the storyline irreversibly. Ranboo would live on, or he would die. It felt like it mattered.

And obviously we chose Die. At the time, I was swearing under my breath (it was super late and I couldn't wake anyone up, so it was quiet) and crying just a little. But now I think, that's a cool ending. It's a good ending.

SO. Onto the actual theory part of this. What happens when a character is chosen to live or die?

I think if they live, they go right back to the beginning. They might get repurposed as another character, like I was talking about in my other rants, and they might have to step aside to being in a supporting role. Like how Slimecicle in Episode 2 had clearly played Mousetrap before, but now he's the body to be sliced open. And GL!Sneeg had done the slime thing before, but then he was the support character locked up with Frank.

So if they had lived, GL!Ranboo would be dragged off to have another run of it, maybe. I'm only going with the "multiple repetitions of the same show" because the other characters look like they've done it before, and it's a cool concept.

But if he dies?

I reckon he's just gone. They're dead. This isn't revolutionary, given that the option chosen was "die", but I think he's just gone. I don't know about what people are saying about he's going to be the Heart, but I do like the idea of GL!Ranboo becoming the TV monster thingy we see kill Charlie in episode 3. I don't know how I'm going to fit it in my head yet, but it sounds great! So yeah, there you go.

Adding onto that, I think there are two types of death that Showfall Media creates in their shows. One is when the character is dead, but not the actor. Like GL!Niki, for example, I think she's alive, but not her character. She'll be repurposed next round, probably. She's not dead dead, same with Vinesauce, same with Ethan, same with Austin, same with Sneeg, same with Charlie (maybe, I don't actually know on this one. His other deaths, as the Slime Demon and Patient Slime, seemed like this first type of death: the character, not the actor. But the last one was pretty gory, full on. So I don't know). But they're not dead, they're going to return in the next run of The Social Experiments. Not as themselves, and not for us.

The second type of death is the actual death death. Like, this guy is dead and gone and never coming back. This is GL!Ranboo, Frank, maybe GL!Charlie in Episode 3. Like, they're gone gone. Frank, I'm assuming he died in an accident, Showfall didn't mean for that to happen. Charlie, I don't know about, really. I'll have to rewatch Episode 3 again, just to see. Ranboo, they're gone. We chose die, and they died. Dead and gone and never to return.

Of course, I could be absolutely wrong. Because there are a bunch of contradictions with the whole this-is-a-loop theory and two-types-of-dead theory. Why didn't any of the other protagonists who took their turn (Sneeg, Charlie, Vinesauce), why didn't they die? At the very end, when the audience had to vote, why did every single time, they chose live for these characters, but Ranboo died? Well, Ranboo begged to die, and after that the vote swung drastically to the die option. So nobody else begged? But they also might have not gotten past the other episodes. Sneeg was trapped in the basement, he didn't make it past the cooking challenge, and Patient Slime swallowed the Mousetrap piece because he was going to lose. So maybe they just didn't make it.

As an argument against this theory not making sense (while still agreeing that it may very well be completely wrong), maybe everyone else who got all the way through to the end and the audience chose Die, maybe they all actually died. Now obviously people can't return from the second type of death, so we just don't know about them. They existed, and then they didn't, and now we live in ignorance.

OK! Glad to see some people like these. Thanks for reading, if you got this far!

[sspecialtopic2023]

Task 1:

Here is a mindmap of significant moments/aspects of my life. I have pondered over each one with a lot of thought and time. It is important to me that I choose a topic/aspect that is significant to me, and that I can dig deeply into because I feel like this assignment for summer school has come at a great time (lol!)

I first wrote about what has been happening in my life at present, and how I am on a personal journey of reconnecting with my inner child. I always felt I have an "old soul" due to my emotions and relationships with people whom I like to call "a melting pot of cultures". I am lucky enough to know people from all different backgrounds in life. But somewhere along the way, I have lost touch with what really makes me, me, and that is something I wish to gain back.

The first aspect I wrote about was my experience at Outward Bound as a sixteen-year-old (which feels like forever ago now), and I also wrote about the feelings that were associated with me at that age. Looking back on that age of my life, I laugh at how "huge" my problems were compared to now. And (just saying) but even now they are insignificant compared to those on the other side of the world.

The second was my journey of wearing hearing aids. I was diagnosed with hearing loss at the age of 6, and luckily being given hearing aids helped my case. I really struggled with it, being the only person in my small-town school with them, and then dealing with mean girls from intermediate onwards at an all-girls school. I was embarrassed, intimidated, and ashamed, but growing up with them they became a part of who I am! And I am so proud of that little girl for sticking it out - I wish I could hug her now!

The third was about grieving the loss of my grandmother, who was a primary role/caregiver alongside my mum from my infant years. She is a huge part of who I am, but I feel now that I denied processing the loss of her because I saw my family members do it. And I feel like today it has caught up with me!

Okay, that was all probably TMI word vomit. But I am feeling like I am leaning towards the concept of my sixteen-year-old self, or my grandmother. Will talk to my tutors tomorrow about what they think, but I do think I am on the right track.

[lithopus]

Okay, continuing with my additional thoughts about writing Alhaitham’s POV:

Although I feel like I have a better understanding of Alhaitham’s brain than Kaveh’s, his perspective does have its challenges.

For one thing, even when I’m inside his head, he’s not an open book. He still obfuscates things with that veneer of “rationality”—if you want a canon example, look no further than his character story about Kaveh. It’s not outright dishonest, but Alhaitham certainly lies by omission there.

And while I don’t think that Alhaitham necessarily lies to himself (especially since he’s a person who’s concerned with knowing the truth of things), he does strike me as someone who evades extremely difficult emotions when possible, and who therefore might try to explain away any feelings/urges that seem inconvenient. So, in a fic where I’m portraying that interpretation of him, writing his perspective can get tricky.

Another thing that makes his perspective a bit challenging is that we’ve never really entirely gotten to know him in canon. Even in his character stories, the narration puts things through a “filter” that essentially strips away his emotions and leaves only the facts. The first example that comes to my mind is the straightforward, factual way his character stories report his grandmother’s death. We’re only told that the woman who raised him passed away at some point, and that he organized her funeral and inherited some things from her. And that’s it. There’s nothing in there about Alhaitham’s feelings of loss, or how his grandmother’s death affected him.

Compare that to what other characters’ stories tell us about their feelings regarding a loved one’s death. Just for a quick example, I looked through Diluc’s lore and found that his character stories directly tell us about:

the passion and motivation he felt because of his father’s praise when he was younger

his desire to make his father proud

how his “hopes and dreams” were “extinguished” when his father died

how he completely lost faith in others after his father’s death, and

how he viewed his Vision as useless because it didn’t enable him to protect his father.

I know that Diluc’s loss was more intense and had more of an impact on his development, so I’m not using him as a foil for Alhaitham in that respect—but as you can see, we get a fairly extensive look at Diluc’s feelings about losing a loved one, as opposed to the neutral way that Alhaitham’s stories recount his loss. Alhaitham’s emotions are conspicuously absent from the information that’s conveyed to us; we’re definitely being held at arm’s length when it comes to certain aspects of his experiences.

(And, yes, if we really analyze Alhaitham’s stories, we can certainly infer that his grandmother must have meant a lot to him, given how much she’s mentioned; after all, Alhaitham’s stories wouldn’t waste time focusing on things or people he considers to be insignificant, since that would be contrary to his characterization. But we aren’t actually told how Alhaitham felt about losing her—he’s strikingly silent compared to other characters, whose stories describe their grief to some extent.)

Point being, Alhaitham’s feelings are rarely included in the information we learn about him, even for things that almost certainly had an emotional impact on him. We have a better understanding of him than that of the random Sumeru citizens who keep their distance from him, yes, but we still aren’t completely privy to his inner workings; by avoiding any displays of vulnerability, Alhaitham limits/controls our perception of him.

However, that doesn’t mean that other facets of his personality don’t exist, or even that no one has ever glimpsed a less controlled/more vulnerable version of Alhaitham’s demeanor. Based on what we know, I’d say that Kaveh is probably familiar with those more “unseen” aspects of Alhaitham’s personality—which further lends credence to the idea that those sides of Alhaitham must at least exist, even though they remain unseen by us as players.

From what we’ve seen in the game, it’s safe to say that Kaveh likely knows Alhaitham better than anyone else does. And that makes sense: as Alhaitham’s closest friend of many years, Kaveh has almost certainly seen weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and mistakes that we as players haven’t seen. He was even personally involved in one of the most emotionally charged aspects of Alhaitham’s backstory (the demise of a close friendship)…which, naturally, Alhaitham’s character story handles in the same detached way that it glosses over his grandmother’s death.

Additionally, because Kaveh literally lives with Alhaitham, he frequently sees what the man is like when he’s in the comfort of his own home—i.e., when he’s most at ease, and when he isn’t maintaining a “public image” that makes people wary of bothering him.

And then there’s this line from Kaveh, referencing a side of Alhaitham that doesn’t quite match up with what we’ve witnessed ourselves:

If he ever gives you the impression that he’s […] rigidly logical like a machine, then you just don't know him well enough yet. He definitely has a personality, it's just…too big a personality. Most people wouldn't get it.

So, Kaveh has seen Alhaitham act less logical at times, in a way that “most people” wouldn’t understand (or expect). And, indeed, we do get an occasional glimpse of Alhaitham’s alleged “personality”…when he bickers or argues with Kaveh. Which, again, makes sense: if Alhaitham is close enough with Kaveh to feel comfortable sharing his home and life with him, then it’s not surprising that the few times Alhaitham has slightly deviated from his usual demeanor, it’s been when he’s around Kaveh.

I’m not saying that Alhaitham becomes an entirely different person around Kaveh, but there’s a difference (in terms of intimacy, vulnerability, and comfort) between his relationship with Kaveh and his relationship with others. Essentially, there are certain sides of Alhaitham that he’s pretty much never going to directly show us, meaning that we need to infer those things and fill in the blanks ourselves.

Which, going back to my original point many paragraphs ago: figuring out how Alhaitham’s mind works isn’t really the thing that gives me trouble. What’s difficult for me is conveying Alhaitham’s thoughts and feelings in a way that still feels accurate/authentic (“in character”) to the reader—and even to me as the writer! Because even if we agree “Oh, yeah, Alhaitham would definitely feel hurt by that” or “Yes, he’d absolutely feel happy in this moment”…we haven’t seen him outwardly express those things in canon. So, at least for me personally, it’s very easy for something that is “in character” for Alhaitham to nonetheless feel “out of character” due to the limits of his canonical portrayal.

For example: if I were to write about Alhaitham feeling hurt by his falling-out with Kaveh, there’s nowhere in canon that he’s shown us that kind of pain. There are definitely indicators that it hurt Alhaitham a lot—but when he discusses the subject during Kaveh’s hangout, he acts like he was never bothered by it, and in general, he’s never once admitted to being emotionally hurt by something, even though that must have happened at some point in his life. As as result, any portrayal of Alhaitham internally experiencing emotional pain won’t quite look like the Alhaitham we’ve seen in canon.

And that sort of thing creates this feeling of “Alhaitham wouldn’t do that” or “Alhaitham doesn’t act like that” when, really, Alhaitham has just never openly shown that sort of vulnerability. It exists in his head, which means that we can see it when a fic narrates his perspective—but it can sometimes feel unfamiliar or “wrong” to us as readers and writers because we’ve never really seen a direct portrayal of it.

So, that part of writing Alhaitham’s perspective can be a nuisance. I often second-guess how I portray him in fics that I’m writing from his POV, because it feels like something is “wrong” when you compare that portrayal to his demeanor in canon. That’s why writing from Kaveh’s POV usually eliminates that issue for me, because in those fics, we’re mostly seeing Alhaitham the same way that we typically see him in canon, without the internal feelings/thoughts that can make him feel “out of character” in many cases.

For the ask game! 1! Who is your favorite character to write for and is this the character you find easiest to write for?

Thank you for the ask!

I guess for fanfiction, I pretty much only write Alhaitham and Kaveh’s POVs—although, actually, I’ve also written two (unposted, sfw) fics for my friends that contained Xingqiu’s POV, and he’s really fun to write for 😂 Now that I think about it, he’s probably the easiest perspective I’ve written. I enjoy his chivalrous and overdramatic way of speaking/narrating, and the guy is such a simp for Chongyun that it cracks me up. I definitely have a lot of fun writing him.

But, going back to Alhaitham and Kaveh…it’s difficult for me to choose! I like writing both of their perspectives for different reasons, and both of them are easy to write in some ways and challenging in others.

I’ll answer the question about whose POV is easiest first.

Technically, it’s Alhaitham’s—his way of thinking is a lot more accessible to me, whereas I sometimes struggle to relate to Kaveh’s perspective on things. It’s kind of similar to how Alhaitham “knows” Kaveh’s philosophies on a theoretical level, but doesn’t emotionally “understand” them the way that someone who personally shares Kaveh’s beliefs would. I more or less know how Kaveh’s mind works, but since I don’t usually approach things the way he does, his attitudes and ideals sometimes aren’t personally familiar to me. There are times when my brain has to work a bit harder to figure out how he views the world.

Because of that, though, I think that it might be easier—counterintuitively—for me to write stories from Kaveh’s perspective. Since I “understand” Alhaitham more, I can more easily convey what he’s thinking/feeling whenever I’m outside his head. Conversely, being inside Kaveh’s head allows me to get a closer look at how he’s processing things, which then makes it easier for me to work through his thoughts and figure out how to portray him.

So, Alhaitham’s POV is the easier perspective for me to write, in a vacuum…but if I’m writing a story about him and Kaveh, writing from Kaveh’s POV often makes things easier for me.

As for my favorite POV to write…if I had to choose a perspective to be stuck in, I think I’d choose Alhaitham’s. I love the unspoken depth of his love for Kaveh—like, his devotion is clear even from Kaveh’s POV, but being inside Alhaitham’s mind lets us see just how much he cares, even though he often hides it behind his sarcastic/detached attitude. I like being able to explore that side of him; it’s kind of like “looking behind the curtain” in the sense that we still see Alhaitham’s usual attitude with the way he speaks and acts, but we also see the contrasting tenderness he feels toward Kaveh (although, when I write him, Alhaitham’s narration does often try to bury that tenderness, lol).

That said, I do also like the idea of leaving Alhaitham’s unspoken affection…well, y’know, unspoken—so, being stuck in Alhaitham’s POV all the time wouldn’t be ideal for me.

It’s also interesting to get inside Alhaitham’s head and dismantle the “rational” barriers that he constructs around some things. That is, he’s clearly capable of caring deeply about certain things—like Kaveh—and I love writing about that kind of quiet intensity. And while I do believe that he’s the calm, logical person we see in canon, I also know that he can’t be invulnerable; he’s human, which means he’s capable of being hurt, and I like seeing how he processes those types of emotions.

But there are things that I enjoy about writing Kaveh’s perspective, too. For example, Kaveh’s artistry and ways of thinking give me more opportunities to be poetic with narration. When I’m writing Alhaitham’s POV, his analogies are usually more practical and functional; they tend to focus solely on explaining a concept, so while they might be creative sometimes, they won’t necessarily sound pretty. With Kaveh, though, I can let loose and be more indulgent with metaphors/imagery to explore a feeling or concept. I haven’t written poetry in a while, but his perspective gives me more room to flex those muscles, lol.

Kaveh’s perspective is also more straightforward, at least for me. Yes, he’s got a lot going on, and his psychology can get complicated at times—but he’s pretty much told us about all of his problems either through dialogue or his character stories, and we’ve seen him when he’s excited, happy, morose, angry, et cetera; he tends to acknowledge his feelings in a more “head-on” way, even when he’s trying to avoid his problems or downplay his emotions. So, I like that he’s a more “direct” kind of character, as opposed to the mental gymnastics Alhaitham performs in order to seem like An Incredibly Chill And Totally Unemotional Guy Who Is Never Bothered By Anything Ever.

(Now that I say that, it’s kind of funny that we joke about Kaveh’s mental acrobatics to misinterpret the things Alhaitham says, when Alhaitham is an Olympic gymnast in his own right 😂)

That’s my main answer, but I do have some additional thoughts about why writing Alhaitham’s POV can sometimes be a challenge for me. I’ll include those thoughts in a reblog, though, since I don’t want my response here to get too lengthy.

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

i ain’t done anything for @tolkienocweek yet, mostly because my covid-induced neet-dom has decoupled me from any association with sidereal time and thus there’s no way i could guarantee getting something out on its specific day. still, i do have one character that could potentially qualify for day 3 (background characters) or day 4 (self-inserts), sorta. i’d like to introduce you all to the proprietor of the fëanorian ethics department, the as-yet-nameless fed elf

fed elf is a... moderately idealised self-insert of mine, though she’s taking on a life of her own

she’s also a noldo. of course she is

her Noldorin Craft™ is, as i’ve said before, arguing. she has very strong opinions about almost everything and will debate them at length

she’s moderately infamous for it in tirion

she’s especially fond of philosophy, in the ancient-greek asking-a-million-rhetorical questions style. what should we do? why do we do the things we do? why do the valar get to tell us what to do?

... you can probably tell which side of the fëanor/fingolfin debate she landed on, if it wasn’t already obvious

she’s not particularly close to any of the future capital-H House, but she is in their rough orbit. one of the miscellaneous guild trolls that form the rank-and-file of their initial expeditionary force

idk if she’s ~devoted to the cause enough to go to formenos, but when the trees get eaten and fëanor rolls up into tirion with the solution to all their spider problems, she is all for it

she’s a passing acquaintance of maedhros from those times when he’d show up in her guild hall for debate night, so she probably ends up with his crew, at least initially

... there’s a very good chance her first attempts at crafting a new noldorin ethical system happen on that horrible night aboard the blood-stained swanships of alqualondë

in any case, she gets good enough at murder to not die before the brothers hellspawn are divvying up east beleriand, and the formerly reasonably undelineated fëanorian host is splitting up into its various garrisons

most people stay with whoever they’re already riding with, but there are exceptions. she is one of them, as soon as she hears about caranthir’s Plans she immediately switches allegiance to the future lord of thargelion

he’s deliberately trying to set up on the trade routes! they’re gonna make contact with the dwarves! there are apparently trails leading over the blue mountains, links to communities of elves unlike she’s ever seen!

so many new people to argue with!!!!!!

so she heads up to lake helevorn, and helps with setting up the city. she winds up filling some middling role in east beleriand’s military bureaucracy, when she’s not on orc-killing duty

but her true passion is *~ethics~*

there is actually a practical component to this. due to Certain Events the noldor (especially the fëanorians) aren’t as-well suited to their pre-darkening moral codes as they might have once been

they need a new one, with contingencies for, like, murder, and all the other new situations they’ll encounter in this new world! the questions of what’s right and wrong have been blown right open, and fed elf is possibly the happiest she’s been in her life. they’re building everything else from first principles, why not this?

and the fëanorian host in aggregate does actually care about morality, even though outsiders never believe that. it’s what separates them from the orcs (in their minds at least); they’re doing everything for a Cause, not for destruction’s sake alone. say what you want about the fëanorians, their problem was never a lack of ideals

she gets people coming in sometimes, wanting to know what the right thing to do in a situation is. either that, or they think she’s wrong about something and want to explain why in depth, which is almost as fun

soon enough, there’s a small shop just off the main streets of lake helevorn called the fëanorian ethics department

(she’s the only one with a shop, but she’s not the only member of the host with Opinions. the guy on the other side of the market district whose system is fairly similar in the broad strokes but completely different in the details is her personal archnemesis)

for most of the first age, fed elf has it pretty good. by her standards, at least, and she’ll happily exposit at length as to why they’re the only ones that matter

the work on the system of ethics never quite stops, but it does slow down. she’s less prescriptivist than most noldor, so she does a lot of observation and interviewing and stuff, and also new things keep happening for her to cover, but she does manage to nail down the basics!

she does consultation, in varying levels of official capacity, but she’ll also just. answer anyone who comes in with a question. or asks one within earshot

it’s mostly noldorin fëanorians she has debates with, the sindar and atani generally prefer to ask her whatever they want to know with minimum fuss, but whenever she gets a real fight going they all join the crowd. watching fed elf argue with people is one of lake helevorn’s municipal spectator sports

she also has conversations with travellers! these usually start when some newcomer is staring in befuddlement at the sign outside her shop and she takes the opportunity to pounce

she asks them detailed questions about their own ethical systems, which she files away for potential future incorporation/argument ammunition. they fairly frequently ask questions of their own, most often variations on ‘you guys seriously have morals?’

sometimes this even turns into a proper ethical debate! these aren’t usually as well-argued or intense as the ones she has with other fëanorians, particularly if she’s not talking to a noldo, but when she meets someone who’s a proper match for her it is the highlight of her year

running the shop does generate a fair bit of paperwork she tends to be too emotionally invested in to deal with properly, so she hires help now and then. one recurring underling is a clumsy perpetually-ill atan who is nevertheless really good with the filing and holds fierce opinions of their own, even if they hide under the table whenever anyone so much as raises their voice

(that atan is me. much less idealised self insert)

like every other elf in the host, fed elf is still under arms. she has a unit, she’s part of the orc patrol rotas, when caranthir needs to do a battle she pulls her broadsword out from under her desk and reports for the muster. east beleriand is just a pretty violent place in general, and her most impassioned arguments frequently shade into all-out duels. east beleriand, where even especially the philosophers will knife you

but just like fëanor promised on tirion upon túna so long ago, she’s built a place where she can be the best version of herself, and she couldn’t be happier (marketplace douche notwithstanding)

like so much of the host, she has big plans for when they topple angband and reclaim the silmarils. it’s just, well

i am not entirely sure what fed elf’s fate is after the fall of thargelion. most likely she died at some point, because so do most of her peers and also because she has an aversion to cutting her losses that’s definitely gonna backfire sooner or later

it’s either that, or she abandons everything she ever worked out to flee over the blue mountains, or she sticks with the host long enough to see all their ideals and dreams burn to ash. out of all of them death is probably her kindest fate

if she does die - she’s definitely a kinslayer at least one time over, she is staying in the halls for a While. the local maiar completely stonewall her every time she tries to argue her way out, she has plenty of time to sit around and think

because yeah, the host’s century-long self-immolation has given her a lot to think about. she was wrong, it turns out, in several important ways, and from the outside she can see how much the ethical system she put her heart and soul into was bent towards destruction

if she ever gets out, it’ll be after a lot of self-reflection, a massive dose of humility, and her accepting her own small-but-not-insignificant role in the nightmare they created

the fëanorians as get let out of the halls of mandos are without fail less violent, more self-aware, and just generally more conscious of their actions than they were when they went in. fed elf is no exception to this

she’s also no exception to the rule that their time in elf afterlife therapy generally fails to lower their volume at all. soon after her rebirth, after some time spent rethinking her personal moral code, fed elf puts out a thesis as to why elwing’s refusal to give up the silmaril was perfectly justifiable under fëanorian ethical mores

this pisses off a measurable proportion of aman’s sapient population. soon the furious letters of rebuke are pouring in nightly

exactly. as. planned

[forzalando]

Lessons | George Weasley | Pt. 1

Pairing: George Weasley x F!Reader AU: Royalty!AU Word Count: 2,240 words Warnings: mentions of sibling d*ath, a very rude knight grabbing the reader, mentions of bruising on reader, reader sl*pping aforementioned knight, aggressive language and behavior

A/N: hello friends! here is part one of a two-part George Weasley Royalty!AU! I am so very excited. I apologize in advance for any inconsistencies throughout the story, there isn’t really a specific time period except that I didn’t want it to be modern! thank you to @awfulmoons for being the first person to read this and for her support! part two will be posted tomorrow! :) 

Summary: After the tragic loss of his twin brother, George Weasley finds himself using his talents to secure a job as the new Potions Master and Healer for the Royal Family. Unbeknownst to you, he takes a particular liking to you knowing that you have more in common than you realize.

part two here

***

Your mother playfully glared at you as you giggled, watching one of your father’s knights trip over a bit of wire and slam into the wall outside her study. He was a rather crude man, always touching your arm or lower back when he walked past you in the castle, and seeing his dazed expression and the bruise forming on his cheek brought you far more enjoyment than you’d ever admit.

“Sir Cormac, are you alright?” Ana, your younger sister, asked as she fled to his aid. She never minded his lingering touches and had always envied that you received his “affections” as well, even though you hardly wanted them.

“Yes, yes, quite alright, Your Highness. Just lost my balance is all,” Cormac grumbled as his eyes lingered on the wire. He didn’t want to be seen as foolish enough to be bested by a simple prank, but unfortunately the evidence was far from discreet.

“Come, I’ll take you to the infirmary. I’m sure there’s something we can do about that bruise.”

You watched with disgust as your sister practically carried Sir Cormac down the hall, until the clearing of a throat broke your attention.

“Y/N, did you lay that wire?” your mother asked, the accusatory tone evident in her voice.

“No, Mother, but frankly I wish I had. Do you see the way he’s always caressing my arms?! He’s even dared to touch my back and he does it to Ana as well! Of course, she doesn’t mind, though it truly escapes me why she doesn’t. He’s horrendous.”

Your mother stifled a laugh; even though she was the Queen, you knew your mischievous and independent ways had come from her.

“Next time he tries to touch you, tell him that your Mother will have his hands,” she spoke with a smile. “I have business to attend to in the dining room, please try to stay out of trouble for once.”

She turned on her heel and left you on your own, but you knew her warning was playful. When the sound of her footsteps receded, your mind and feet began to wander. Your thoughts were consumed with all of the small, mostly harmless, pranks that had been occurring around the castle.

Just the other day, your handmaiden and close friend Luna had witnessed one of your tutors walk out of the kitchen sopping wet. She asked around and found out that a bucket of water had fallen on her head that morning seemingly out of thin air.

You wished that you would have felt sympathy for her, but she had scolded you until you cried last week because you couldn’t remember the first name of a Prince that you would never meet.

A little over a month ago you noticed that Lady Priscilla, a dreadful, awful young woman from a noble family in your Father’s Court, was itching constantly at her corset. You recalled receiving an actual stern glare from your mother for laughing at that one.

But, the little things you noticed weren’t always directed at people. Occasionally you’d find furniture askew, flower arrangements and paintings altered, sticky substances on the railings (you had gotten caught up in that a time or two). You recalled finding every piece of furniture in the Great Dining Hall practically glued to the floor once and thought your parents were going to have coronaries, but to your surprise, they laughed alongside you.

Your father had suspected you at first, of course, but when the pranks continued while you were away last month visiting your best childhood friend, Lady Hermione Granger, it was obvious you were not the culprit. No one could recall when the odd occurrences started happening, so it just became a way of life around the castle. Not that anyone minded, you’d even seen your grumpy sister crack a smile or two at the jests.

Sometimes you wished you knew who it was, that you could dismantle the mystery, partly because you wanted them to include you in their havoc. However, a far greater reason, was that over the past few months, you had found yourself smiling and laughing again after the untimely death of your elder sister, Clara, during the Great War. Whoever this mystery prankster was, you owed them a thank you about a million times over.

Fearing that you’d smack straight into a wall while your mind was reeling over the castle’s secret joker, you shook the thoughts from your head and found yourself walking towards the gardens.

As you began opening the door to the greenhouse, it suddenly flung open to reveal a rather tall and beautiful man with hair the color of a roaring fire.

“Pardon me, Princess,” he apologized immediately. “I was all too focused on not dropping these herbs and didn’t realize the door was opening.”

You realized then that you had stumbled into Mr. George Weasley, the Potions Master and Healer that your Father had employed months ago. He was supposedly brilliant; had a way with creating concoctions that even the brightest minds had never thought of. When your Mother fell ill earlier this year, George had her right as rain within days.

You also recalled from palace gossip that he used to run a business with his twin brother a few years ago, but his brother had died in the Great War and George refused to carry on the business without him.

“It’s quite alright, Mr. Weasley. Do you need some help carrying your things?”

“I-I-You know my name?” He stuttered quietly.  

“Of course I do,” you chuckled. “My Father speaks very highly of you, especially after the way you took such great care of my Mother. Thank you for that, by the way. I tried to find you to thank you in person before, but it seems we always miss each other.”

“Yes, it seems we do, and please, call me George,” he trailed off lightly, a twinkle in his deep, brown eyes.

A comfortable silence fell between the two of you; you could have been gazing into each other’s eyes for hours, you couldn’t be sure, but the trance was broken when the hoard of plants fell from his arms.

“Here, please let me help,” you said as you bent down to the ground, gathering the discarded herbs.

“If your Mother or Father catches you helping the insignificant Potions Master – ”

“They would be thrilled that they had raised a kind and helpful daughter. Isn’t that what you were going to say?”

George smiled down at you, a blinding smile that reached his eyes and made the corners crinkle.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I was going to say.”

The two of you headed off towards the East Wing of the castle where his living and work chambers were located. Once you had helped him sort out the herbs and tidy up any fallen leaves or stems, you sat down and sighed, admiring his workspace.

“I’ve always been fascinated by potion making and medicine,” you said quietly. “I wish it were part of my studies. I learned a little bit during the War to help with the wounded but nothing more in the past few years. Now that I’m older, my lessons, if you can even call them that, only consist of recalling Monarchial history and information about other kingdoms.”

You noticed George stiffen at the mention of the Great War, his cheerful demeanor suddenly disappearing from sight, but as quickly as it was gone it was back again.

“The War is what got me into all this in the first place. I figured I’d use my talents to help people if I could, and it turns out I’m pretty good at it.”

He managed a weak smile, and the sight of it broke your heart.

“I’m sorry about your brother, George. I-I heard about him in passing, some Noblewomen were discussing your tragedy like it was front page news since they never have anything better to do. I suppose I’m no better for listening, even if it wasn’t entirely on purpose, but I’m still so sorry.”

“I appreciate that, Princess. I will always miss him but in the past year I feel like I’ve finally started moving forward with my life instead of standing still.”

You fiddled with the hem of your sleeve, embarrassed that you had brought up such a sensitive topic upon your first time meeting George, but you couldn’t help it. You wanted him to know you were sorry, and that you understood his pain.

“I’m sorry too,” he murmured. “You lost someone as well, didn’t you?”

“My sister, Clara. She was always rebellious, even worse than me, and she was in love with a man from the village just outside the palace grounds. His name was Thomas and they were just perfect for each other. When my Father got word that Riddle’s Army was headed towards the castle, she snuck away through one of the secret passages to the village to save him, but Riddle’s Army was already there and she died with him when they destroyed the village.”

George couldn’t say anything, the tragic story rendering him speechless. Your sister’s bravery and your obvious heartache, he didn’t know what to say, but you began speaking again.

“We probably have a lot more in common than you think, Mr. Weasley,” you teased, although he didn’t miss the glimmer of tears in your eyes.

“I’d love to find out what more, Princess, and I told you to call me George.”

“I’ll call you George only if you promise to call me Y/N.”

“Your Father would have my – ”

“He would have your utmost support because I asked you to call me by my name and it’s never polite to refuse to request of a Royal, right, George?”

“Absolutely, Princ…I mean, Y/N,” George said with a smile.

You decided instantly that your name had never sounded better.

Once again, a comfortable silence fell between you two as you rose from your seat and traced your fingertips along his equipment. Cauldrons, beakers, books with the directions to make the most difficult of healing draughts, when suddenly you had an idea.

“George,” you began, turning to face him, “what would you say to a little extra work?”

“Well, that depends. Is it difficult?”

“Well, that depends. Do you find me difficult to spend time with?”

“Not in the slightest,” he answered immediately with a smile.

“In that case, how would you like to teach me your ways? I want to learn all that there is to know about potion making, herbs, plants, medicines. And who better to teach me than you?”

“If…I mean if the King and Queen do not mind, I have no objections,” George spoke, failing to stop the hopeful grin that appeared on his face.

“I’m sure they won’t but I will speak to them this evening. Shall I come find you tomorrow? Will you be here?”

“In the morning, yes. Let’s meet here at, say, nine o’clock?”

“That sounds perfect,” you said eagerly. “I’d better get back, I’m sure someone’s wondering where I’ve been, but I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow!”

With a quick wave goodbye, you swiftly made your way out of George’s workshop before he could tell that you were practically trembling with excitement.

Unbeknownst to you, George had to steady himself against a table so he wouldn’t faint at the prospect of seeing you not only again, but so soon.

Your hurried steps had brought you back to your Mother’s study and you were delighted to see she had returned from her earlier meeting.

“Mother, what would you say if I began taking lessons from Mr. Weasley?”

“Well,” your Mother began as she closed her book, “I’d be curious to know how this proposition came about.”

“I bumped into him in the gardens earlier. He’s brilliant, Mother, and you know how interested I am in his specialties.”

“Are you interested in his specialties or him?” She asked with a sly smile.

“I…I suppose maybe both?”

Your Mother stared at you for what seemed like ages, taking in the sparkle in your eyes and the giddy smile on your face that had been absent since the passing of your closest sister.

“As long as you’re able to attend to your duties and join Father in court meetings, I don’t see why not. You need something substantial to fill your time anyway, I swear you’re either always in the garden or sneaking tarts from the kitchen.”

“Thank you, Mother,” you exhaled, not even realizing you had been holding your breath awaiting her response.

“Go find your brothers, supper should be ready soon. I’ll speak to your Father about these lessons and let you know what he decides.”

You nodded your head and went off in search of your younger siblings wondering what color dress you would wear tomorrow.

Elsewhere in the castle, George Weasley was in front of a mirror fiddling with his hair and already planning what he would say to you when he saw you in the morning.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed another trip wire safely tucked away near the Knight’s living quarters.

For once, you didn’t stick around to wait for the inevitable chaos because the quicker you found your brothers and ushered them to supper, the quicker your day would end, and the quicker you would again be able to see Mr. George Weasley.

***

taglist: @thoseofgreatambition @theboywhocriedlupin @theseuscmander @fortisfiliae @carolinesbookworld @starssayhello @finnofamerica @swellwriting @themarauderstheoutsidersandpeggy @marauderskeeper @wildfire-whizbangs @woakiees also tagging some mutuals who maybe might want to read! if you do not, PLEASE let me know and I apologize profusely!: @ickle-ronniekins @hollands-weasley @weasleytwinswheezes @theweasleysredhair @sleep-i-ness 

[knchins]

Symbiosis - Benimaru & Joker

Summary: Benimaru, Joker, and a former Sister learn how to work through their frustrations with their investigation into the Holy Sol Temple through the one thing they know best: sex.

Pairing: Benimaru Shinmon x Fem!Reader x Joker

Rating: E

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: pwp (I didn't even try this time lmao), spanking, vaginal sex, oral sex, dirty talk/degradation, some dob/sub themes, hair pulling, face fucking. I do not count this as dp but some people might. SPIT ROASTING.

Notes: So I wrote this for @tamcitrus and I hope she likes it! It’s like my most self indulgent piece to date probably lol. Idk how I managed to write this while being barely able to breathe but when the inspo strikes what can you do....First FF/ENS piece! I think they may be a bit OOC but...whatever I’m too sick to care.,

 “So will you join me, Sister?” The mysterious man asked as he puffed on a cigarette. You stared off at the nighttime skyline, at the temple in the very far eastern horizon. Was this something you really wanted to do? It would be dangerous, but you could sense the power coming from him. Not only that, he had already enlisted the help of the Captain of the 7th, Benimaru Shinmon. It wasn’t as if you’d be taking on the church all by yourself.  

 Your mind drifted as the King of Destruction peppered kisses down your bare throat. The mission with Joker hadn’t been entirely successful. In the end they were met with Captain Burns who handed you a journal that belonged to the wife of Raffles I. While it was true you did come up with some new theories about the White Clad, ultimately it felt like a dead end. Now you just had more questions than answers and it was incredibly frustrating.

 But you weren’t the only one frustrated. Your two new comrades had been too. Eventually you had found a way to relieve the tension that had built up over so many years of bullshit. Having been an orphan and raised as a Sister for the Holy Sol Temple, you had plenty of ill will harbored against the empire. You had long abandoned your title but that didn’t stop the two men from egging you on by calling you by it.

 Currently the former assassin was watching through a half-lidded eye as you sat in Benimaru’s lap, your back to his chest as he kissed along your neck and cupped both breasts in his hands. You were already stripped down to your underwear, both men clad in only pants and briefs. Joker tended to observe first before joining in, enjoying taking his time watching the view of Beni turn you on and work you over. Small trails of smoke rose from the lit white stick of tobacco that hung from his mouth.

 “You look so pretty like that, Sister.” He drawled, inhaling another wave of smoke that filtered out of his nose. “You like when he plays with your tits don’t you?”

 “Don’t call me that,” You protested weakly in a voice that came out as more of a moan than a grumble as Beni began to tweak your nipples between his thumb and forefinger. You began to wiggle in his lap, ass brushing against his stiffening cock in a way that had him biting down on your shoulder possessively.

 The cotton panties you had been wearing were soaked all the way through between your legs. This stupid little routine always had you mewling and crying before anyone even bothered touching your needy cunt. Beni enjoyed torturing you too much and Joker enjoyed watching him do it. You had known in the beginning being the only woman in the trio would put you at a disadvantage. You just didn’t know how much.

 “Waka, please.” You gasped as he bit down on your throat this time, sucking a bruise into the skin there. One of your hands moved to try and touch your clit for some form of relief, but he warned you by warming up his hands rapidly. It wasn’t enough to burn you but it was enough to let you know that he would if you didn’t play by his rules. “Asshole.” You hissed, pulling your hand back up to a safe distance. You reached behind him and grabbed a fistful of his hair, tugging it angrily.

 Beni quickly pushed you onto the tatami mat on the floor roughly, holding the back of your head in one hand, pressing your face against the material as he lifted your hips up with the other. He began to grind his erection against the wet fabric of your underwear, seething as he ripped down your underwear so that you were completely bare for the both of them.

 He took no time in slapping your ass in retaliation for pulling on his hair. “Impatient little slut.” He growled, causing you to clench with desire. The way his deep voice reverberated in the small room made you even wetter.

 Joker was laughing lightly at the scene. It was pretty typical for you to piss Beni off. And the cute little squeaks you let out as the captain spanked you was just even more delectable than your moans. He finally stood, dropping his pants and underwear at the same time as he knelt before you. Beni took his hand off the back of your head so you could lift up enough for Joker to grab you by the hair and pull you up onto your hands.

 He always had an affinity for fucking your warm wet mouth. Something about choking you on his dick felt better than either your pussy or ass. It was definitely his preferred hole, not that Benimaru minded. It was easier to punish you if he had total control of your lower half. You could hear Beni remove himself from the rest of his clothing as well.

 At the feeling of his blushed head pressing into your folds, you began to protest. “Beni, you have to-” You couldn’t even finish your sentence as Fifty-Two plunged his dick into your open mouth.

 “How many times do I have to tell you, Sister,” Benimaru spat out. “Only good girls get warm ups.” Then he pushed his impressively large cock into your small hole, filling you up and stretching you out with a familiar but still painful burn.

 Your cries were garbled by the dick in your mouth. Joker was still, watching the different emotions cross your face: panic, surprise, pain, pleasure. The last one had your jaw slackening for him drool rolling off your lower lip as tears threatened to spill from your eyes. Despite the initial discomfort, there was no greater pleasure in this life than the Captain’s cock being buried balls deep into your soaking pussy.

 “This is what you wanted, right little slut?” Beni asked, smacking you one last time as he slowly pulled out and rammed back in, forcing you to lurch forward and deep throat the man in front of you.

 You gagged, making Joker laugh at your expense. “I’m pretty sure that’s what she wanted.” He said, given your hair a gentle pull. You struggled to breathe, tears rolling from the corners of your eyes reflexively. You tried to back away from him to give yourself some sort of relief, walls clamping down tight on Benimaru behind you. He let out a small groan at the sensation, though he didn’t budge as you tried to push back on him.

 “If only the Sisters that raised you could see you now. Choking on the dick of Holy Sol Temple’s number one enemy. I bet you’d get off that too, wouldn’t you, Sister?” Joker asked as he pulled his hips back enough to allow you to breathe. You shot him a pitiful glare at the taunt, grabbing his bare thigh and digging your nails into it angrily. They always loved to tease you when you were in no position to defend yourself. It could be so annoying.

 The pain of your nails tearing at his skin was about on the same level as an insect bite. It was really insignificant to him, and therefore it didn’t cause him to correct his actions. He simply tightened his grip on your hair.

 Beni started to move in and out of you at a quick and relentless place. Though he had been kind enough to let you adjust to his size, he wasn’t a total monster. He only started doing with his regular rhythm when he started to feel you relax around him. The muffled moans spilled from your mouth as your eyes rolled back. Any time he fucked you from behind he was always able to hit that sweet stop with his cockhead, the one that had you weak in the legs and gripping him dear life.

 Both men highly enjoyed the sounds of you sputtering and crying for more, your words a garbled mess due to Joker’s length plowing into you at a matching speed. The first few times you three had indulged in one another, the rhythms were out of sync and almost awkward. But now, they had the routine down pat. They knew how the other one worked and could easily find the best way to compliment the other’s thrusts. This had Beni pushing in while Joker was pulling out and you stayed as still as you possibly could so that you wouldn’t impale yourself on either of them in a painful manner.

 It felt like the pinnacle of symbiosis. Everyone works together for their own gain but not at the expense of the other. In the end no one would be left out or at a loss. You’d have to remember to thank Joker later for gathering the three of you together.

 Beni let out a curse as he increased his pace, using one hand to push locks of sweaty hair from his eyes. Sometimes he was convinced that your body had been made for him. He fit inside of you like a hand in a perfectly tailored glove. The gentle squeeze of your kegels anytime he or Joker did something you found particularly pleasurable, whether it was tugging on your hair, slapping your ass, or degrading you with their words, just made him feel so damn good.

 Any time he was buried in you, regardless of which hole it was, he always became devoid of any rational thought. The sex consumed all of you, the tension releasing with the exertion of their hips. Infiltrating the temple, investigating Hajima, life had just become so stressful lately. This was the only time any of you could truly just let go.

 That familiar tight coil was winding itself up in your lower abdomen, the pressure building with every thrust as you took deep breaths through your nose. “Ahh, Sister,” Joker said through heavy breaths, “You better be a good girl and not swallow right away.”

 Of course you knew what he meant, the way his thrusts became a little less in sync with Beni’s and a little more arrhythmic as he chased after his orgasm. He was the first to come, filling your mouth and throat with warm white seed. He pulled away, still holding onto your hair as you stuck out your covered tongue to show him, the white liquid spilling onto the mat beneath you as you were pounded from behind. Your moans were no longer muffled and were loudly filling the small room. No doubt other members of squad seven could hear you, not that you card any more. Konro was probably just shaking his head at his captain’s antics.

 “Now swallow.” Joker instructed as he sat back on his heels. Your tongue retracted into your mouth and you swallowed every last drop that hadn’t fallen from your mouth. The blissed out look on your face was almost enough to make him hard again, your whimpers as you neared your peak, the needy look in your eyes. Nothing else mattered in this moment but the release.

 You came with another loud cry, collapsing onto your chest as your arms gave out beneath you. Benimaru worked you through it, his balls slapping against your clit had you shaking and sobbing at the overstimulation. A moment later he was filling you up with his own seed, gobs of it gushing out around the base of his cock and onto your folds.

 Joker moved to watch him pull out of you slowly so he could observe the gaping, leaky hole. He let out a low whistle at the sight. “Latom,” He said jokingly, folding his hands in prayer as Beni guided your hips down onto the ground.  Benimaru rolled his eyes at his partner in crime, making sure to soothe the bruise skin of your ass with his rough hands.

 “Get some rest, Sister.” Benimaru said solemnly as he got redressed. “Our investigation resumes tonight.”

 You let out a low groan at the reminder, having totally forgotten that you were going back to Hajima headquarters to try and gather more information. “Fine, just let me take a nap first.” You grumbled sleepily. You couldn’t see the soft smile on his face as he glanced at Joker who nodded back in a silent response.

 Benimaru maneuvered you to his futon with Joker’s help, covering you with a blanket so you could rest in peace. Then in a few hours it would be business as usual.

[weeb-writor]

Bakugou’s S/O dies in a crash, leaving him a single father

Hello, gonna be very honest I forgot how to read properly and read a request wrong and wrote a 3000 word fic for it, woohoo! But i mean at least you guys get a fic from it, lol. Italics are flashbacks, bold is reality trying to pull him out of his head, and the regular text is reality. The actual request should be up tomorrow. Reader is neutral and I didn't specify the birthing process! Hope you all enjoy.

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Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

Bakugou’s S/O dies in a crash leaving him a single dad, he has flashes backs of your life together.

TW: Death, depiction of a car crash and blood. Kinde heavy angst

Words: 3052

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“I am so sorry sir but there's nothing we could do for them, w-” The doctor went on but the words slurred together in Bakugou's mind. This isn't how it was supposed to go, you were both supposed to grow old together. Supposed to send Kaori to her first day of school together. To bully the shit out of her first significant other. Go all out on each and every one of her birthdays. To give her at least 3 more brats to hang out with...to cry as you sent her off to college. This isn't how it was supposed to go, he was supposed to protect you, to be your hero. Everything you both had promised to each other was slipping through his grasped fist and the flashbacks were not helping either.

“Watch where you are going, Pomeranian.” You said to him.

“Pomeranian? The fuck, watch your mouth shitty extra!” He roared back at you.

“I think you’re the one who needs soap in his mouth, you're cursing every other word.” You cocked a brow at him.

“Whatever you god damn extra, get outta my way i'm gonna be late.” He backed off shocking his small group of friends.

“What the heck bakubro! If I said that to you I would be dead! You’re caught by the balls already!” Denki said pouting

“Whaddyah just say dunce face? I am not and it doesn't matter. I went easy cause they're so insignificant I wont see them again.” He said with a shrug as they walked into the training yard where their class was meeting.

“Alright, today we have a few helpers from other classes to help you with physical combat skills without the use of your quirks. Pair up with them, if you can actually beat them the first go than you pass. If you don’t, then well you fail, and will do supplementary training with me after every class.” Aizawa said, zipping himself into his sleeping bag.

“Hello class 1-A, Im Y/N. I am in charge of everybody you're about to fight, we've all trained in various types of Martial arts, and uhh you're probably all gonna lose but try your hardest alright?! I've got match-ups based on your physical abilities, so let's begin.” You said getting everyone into their pairs.

“So much for never seeing them again, huh?” Sero said laughing at the fuming bakugou.

“Yeah you’ll be seeing a lot more of me Pomeranian boy, but for now let me wipe the floor with you.” You said getting into a fighting position. He remembers how he lost that fight, terribly he might add. You only offered to help him after the loss, ignoring all his cries of protest. He didn't only lose the fist fight, he lost his heart to you. He had hoped you would never give it back to him, but here you are giving him his heart back. He hated these images, he wants them to stop.

“Bakugou”

“Go on a date with me.” You said as you and bakugou walked back to the dorms together after a sparring session.

“What!?” He yelled at you a deep shade of red.

“You know, on a date, and then you know if all goes well like 2 more before you kiss me and ask me to be officially yours because i'm not easy, you know?”

“Who asks like that!” He continued to yell.

“What did you want some flowers too, bakugou.” You giggled at him.

“You damn, dumbass! Fine but we're going now!” He said grabbing your hand and pulling you away.

“Wait but we are sweaty and I wanted to look nice! You're such a tyrant, Bakugou!” You sang as he pulled you away but slammed into his back as he came to a halting stop.

“Katsuki...call me Katsuki.” He said looking to the side with a blush. This moment was precious to him, your stupid giggle always brought brought blood rushing to his cheeks and made his heart race. As precious as it was, he begged his mind to stop, he didn't want to see what he couldn't have anymore… he wants to forget.

“Bakugou!”

“You know, if i knew you were so messy I wouldn't have moved in with you.” Bakugou yelled to you as he put up one of your many blankets that were always littered around the house.

“Sorry not Sorry, Kat, it's your fault for keeping this damn house like an ice box all the time.” You said as you shoved some more takeout into your mouth.

“And why did you order takeout, i wanted to cook instead of eating that shitty and so unhealthy food.” He nagged you some more but you only giggled. He smiled, that had become his favorite sound.

“Because Mr. Pro- Hero some of us are college students barely staying afloat! It's my last semester so let me live, you ass! Also you are so much like your mother babe, it's kind of funny.” You said to him. His head was bulging in irritation as he sat next to you.

“I can't believe I want to marry you��” He said shaking his head with a sigh. You put down your takeout and stared at him with wide, teary eyes.

“You want to marry… me?” You said to him, he chucked at you before placing a black velvet box in your hand.

“Yeah, so say yes and put the ring on.” He blushed looking away from you.

“You jerk, this is how you ask me? And like an idiot of course I'm putting on the ring with no hesitation.” You giggled around your tears, admiring the ring you had just placed on your finger.

“Yeah, as I recall, you asked me out the same way. Whaddyah want some flowers?” He teased you with a grin. You looked at him with burning passion before your lips met, engaging in a fiery dance of passion. Stop, stop. Please just stop, he begged his brain. At the moment he thought it was perfect, it was so you and so him. Now, he wished he did it on tv or yelled it from the rooftops. Maybe then it would have shown the universe, or god, or whatever was taking him from you just how much he needed and loved you. Just maybe it would have permitted this outcome.

“Bakugou!!”

You and bakugou stared down at the little 6 pound baby. She was sleeping peacefully for the first time since the girl came home, which was 4 day ago! Maybe it was because you had just taken her to meet her grandparents and she didn't want to deal with her grandparents much like her father.

“Give me that baby!” his mom said swopping the baby into her hands. You only giggled at her excitement but Bakugou threw a fit.

“Mom! She's a fuc-freaking newborn! You’ve got to be gentle and support her head! You’re gonna hurt her, it's dangerous” He shouted at his mom.

“Oh hush you ingrate. If that was true believe me kid you’d be dead by now, would've saved me a lot of trouble. Now come on little Kaori, I know you've got it.” She said looking down at Kaori.

“What's she got?” You asked curiously. The blonde did not respond, only blew a little stream of air on the baby's nose and then turned her towards you and the blonde next to you who was still pouting. The baby stirred before waking up giving you all the meanest mug you had ever seen come from a baby.  She stared at bakugou and then at you before going back to sleep.

“She’s got the bakugou bitch face or the bakugou glare or even the bakugou mean mug. However you want to call it but that doesn't matter cause she’s got it.” His mom said placing the sleeping baby in the basinet you guys had brought.

“Did that brat just glare at me!?” Bakugou whispers, causing you to burst into full belly laughter.

“What the hell are you laughing at?” he said to you trying to hide his small smile that was brought out by your laughing.

“Nothing, I just love you and I believe you just said H-E double hockey sticks so we're getting takeout on the way home, love.” You said kissing his cheek. He only stuck his tongue out at you before mumbling a quick ‘i love you back’. It's getting more painful now he's drawing closer to the day he knew his mind was counting down to. As much as he wanted to relish in the memory all he could think of was how Kaori wouldn't remember you or your melodious laughing. How he should have said I love you more clearly in that moment. He wanted it to stop, he wanted the flashes to stop, the memories to stop but they wouldn't and he knew because they were telling your story.

“BAKUGOU!!”

“Come here, dumbass I wanna cuddle!” Bakugou yelled from your bed.

“Hold on I just wanna call your mom and make sure Kaori is okay. It's the first time Kaori has been away so long. She’s only eleven months, she's probably scared without us.” You said with the phone in your hand pacing.

“Babe, if you are so worried you should know I called my mom while you were bathing. Kaori is chasings around my mom's fat cat. And my moms gonna call when they are putting her to bed so we can say goodnight. Now, get over here and quit worrying I want to cuddle you.” He said finally getting you relax enough to lay down, you rested your head on his chest.

“You're such a good dad, you were worried enough to phone your mom.” You said breathing in his caramel scent.

“Of course I did, I worry about you and Kaori whenever yall are out of my sight. I love you both too much yet not enough at the same time.” He said to you kissing the top of your head.

“Katsuki I want us to always be this way, I want to always be with you and kaori smiling. I love you both too much too.” You said back to him straddling him to meet his eyes.

“I want some more brats and a cat and a dog. I want everything with you. And I want it for forever” He said looking up at you with passion. He needs it to stop, he can't relive the same nightmare. He didn't want the image of you dying in his hands to replay, but that's where his mind was heading, wasn't it?

“Bakugou!? Can you hear me!?”

“You know when people said you become boring when you have a baby I didn't believe them but were totally boring. We just did 10 over the speed limit to pick up Kaori.” You said taking a glance in the mirror to see her cute little grumpy face.

“Baby I realized we were boring when we went to that baby store on our day off to look at baby stuff and we went “ ohh” and “awhh” to every third object we saw.” He said back to you with a chuckle. You giggled at him and your eyes fluttered shut for just a second, it was a second too long because when you opened them you slammed into a car ahead of you that had just been in an accident causing a pile up. Behind you a semi rammed into your suv doing terrible damage to the car and everyone inside. Bakugou was the first to wake and quickly fought to get himself free. Once he did he was all over you but you were in far worse shape and the metal of the car dug into you, slicing you open, and locking you into place.

“Noo.. Kat get Kaori first.” you whispered to him.

“Y/N, i'll get you out first, you're right here. Then we’ll get kaori together.” He said tears spilling from his eyes.

“Katsuki, please get Kaori first. Please, i'll try to get loose myself” You plead with him, he thought about it but you were more stuck than her and you were bleeding heavily from the metal cutting into your abdomen.

“Katsuki Bakugou! Her first, then me! I’ll wait for you, promise.” That was all he needed to hear, his heart ached for his little girl who was crying softly more shocked than hurt.

“It's alright baby we're gonna get you safety and then dadas gonna come get mommy and we’ll all go home cuddle.” He said as he pulled the baby from her car seat, recognizing ‘home’ and ‘cuddle’ she clapped at him. He planted gross, wet kisses all over her face before dashing to the place where he saw all the flashing lights congregating. It was a pretty big pile up so there were a lot of ambulances. He took the first one open.

“This is Bakugou Kaori, she’s eleven months and has no allergies to anything or any medication. I'll be coming back with Bakugou y/n who has a pretty deep gash in their abdomen and isn't allergic to any medication either.” He said as the EMT took his baby from him. He almost didn't want to leave her but he knew you were waiting on him, so he dashed back to your totaled car where he saw people crowding your figure as they had just pulled you out.

“Y/N!” He said dropping to the ground taking you from the girl who was holding you.

“Come on, you're bleeding a lot we’ve got to get you to the ambulance.” He said tears cascading from his eyes as he tried to lift you while simultaneously slowing your bleeding but as he lifted you not only did you scream, blood rushed out of your gash at a very alarming rate.

“We can't lift them, they're losing too much blood, the ambulance got to come down here….They’ll die if we take them down there.” Someone said as Katsuki placed you back on the ground. He wanted to yell at them and tell them they were wrong but he knew they weren't. As well as he knew the ambulance wouldn't fit down here, it was hard for him to fit through the cracks of the cars. He had to try though for you, for Kaori, and for himself.

“You're all hurt, go get to an ambulance and get some help, idiots.... And please, I'm begging you, make one of them come down here.” The group of people nodded as they raced for the ambulances.

“Told you I’d wait on you, Kat.”

“Yeah, you did such a good job, baby! You are so strong, love. They went to get help, everything's gonna be alright.” He whispered to you clutching your body closer to him.

“Who are you trying to convince me or you.” You laughed coughing up blood.

“Stop laughing, dumbass this isn't funny.” He gritted his teeth at you.

“Alright then stuffy, onto the serious business. I want Kaori to grow up knowing what love is, so tell her all our cheesy stories. I want her to grow up knowing she is so loved by you so tell her everyday from me and you that you love her more than anything. I want her to know she can come to you for anything so don't be such a hardass to her when she starts to rebel a little…. I don't want her to forget my face or my voice too much, so as much as it might hurt at first show her all the pictures and videos we took over the years. And when she's old enough to understand what happened tonight tell her she doesn't need to go to my grave if she ever wants to talk to me, I'm always watching over you both, promise.” You paused to throw up some more blood. “And now for you my love, I won't say anything to cliché. Like ‘i want you to find love’ cause we both know I am the jealous type but if it happens don't worry I'm not turning over in my grave. I want you to keep following that dream of yours if anyone can be the Top hero and a single dad it’s you, Kat. I want you to indulge yourself and eat takeout sometimes that stuffy diet of yours isn't fun. Be sad for as long as you need but just don't hold it all inside and try to continue on like everything is fine. It's okay to cry, to need a break or some help or both really. Lastly, Bakugou Katsuki, I love you and I am so sorry we didn't get that always and forever we wanted.” You said using the last of your strength to caress his cheek. He sobbed as he grasped your hand and held it tighter to his cheek.

“I love y-” he tried to say but stopped as he realized you were already gone. You didn't get to hear it back from him… the scream that ripped from him was pure anguish in its finest form. He should've been quicker to say it. He should have said it more often. He just should have. And now he was begging his head to stop playing these flashbacks to stop driving the knife further into his heart, he had a daughter he was trying to live for. He just wanted it to stop.

“DADA DADA”

Just like that he was drawn from his head. He looked around to see his friends and family staring at him in concern and his daughter at his feet with fat tears rolling down her face. He quickly picked her up, cursing at himself as he probably just scared her.

“What are you crying for you, little brat?” He started but paused as fat tears of his own rolled down his sunken cheeks “Everything's gonna be alright soon, so we shouldn't cry for too long okay, Brat.” He said as he hugged Kaori tighter than he should have. Somewhere in his mind he did believe it. That he and his daughter would be okay but for right now he was trying to stay afloat in the waves of suffocating flashbacks.

[trainsinanime]

Predictions for Hawkeye

Meaning the MCU show. Predictions are based on trailers, set photos, the Matt Fraction comic run, and most importantly, gut feeling.

Somewhere between mediocre and okay. I’m hoping for a bit better than Loki, but I’ll settle for as good as Loki; I don’t expect as good as WandaVision.

Nowhere near as good as the comic. I mean, come on, seriously.

But I still expect a number of good moments. In particular I think Jeremy Renner will do a good job being Fraction’s Hawkeye, and Hailee Steinfield will do a good job being Kate.

Probably no full dog episode, but perhaps an episode that has dog POV some of the time.

Hearing loss will be a topic that’s brought up, but again, no ASL episode. 

In general I don’t think this show will be anywhere near as experimental as the absolutely amazing comic that it seems to be largely based around. That’s not my dream, but I think I’m okay with that.

No Kate and Clint romance. I expect massive online discourse about whether it’s okay to ship Kate and Clint, though

I don’t think a lot of people will actually ship the two, I just expect that there’ll be a lot of “don’t you dare!” posts, which will have no effect since most people won’t ship them anyway and the few who do won’t care; it’ll just make everyone slightly more angry.

After watching half an episode of Dickinson, I could imagine them going for a lesbian Kate Bishop here, but that’s more a wild guess than a true prediction.

There will be a point where it would be appropriate to say, “okay, this looks bad”, but they will say “okay, this looks not good” or “I’ll admit this looks bad” or something else instead; something close enough to be recognisable, but also different, just to really piss off everyone who liked the comic in a tiny insignificant way. Why yes, I am still salty that they dropped the last word if Kelly Sue DeConnick’s Captain Marvel “Higher Further Faster More” motto.

It’s a live-action TV show so it can’t go for as much heightened reality as the comic did (that’s also a main reason why I don’t expect a dog episode), so I think the “bro seriously” talk will be toned way down. Seriously, bro.

Will the soundtrack go for some classic jazz like shows like Streets of San Francisco used to have? I’m thinking about things like Fire Dance by Dizzy Gillespie, listed as an inspiration by David Aja for drawing the comic. That fit the comic perfectly; no idea whether it’ll fit the show.

Will Kate leave for LA at the end of the first season? If yes, will she take the dog with her?

There will be a perfect opportunity (or many) to reference the old Netflix shows, have a character cross over or similar, and it won’t happen.

Plot points, right? There gotta some plot points in this. Uh… Kasimir is someone Clint Barton pissed off while he was dressing up as a Ninja. Baby Black Widow has ties to this Kasimir guy. The main plot won’t be about evil gentrifiers. Kate’s parents have hired Kasimir and Kate doesn’t know it. Clint’s wife and kids will be forgotten for most of it, but will in peril in the second-to-last episode.

Posted November 16th 2021. Let’s see how this works out.

[bondsmagii]

Keeping up a farce friendship with someone who abuses me because they would significantly harm and emotionally blackmail me if I left.... I entrusted them with deep personal trauma and its now ammo against me. its hell.

I'm gonna be blunt with you here: if they're in a position to physically harm you, then tread carefully and seek whatever protection you can find before making a move to get yourself out of there. however, if the harm they can do to you is emotional or psychological, get out of there. I know it'll be tough, and I know it'll suck, and I know it'll hurt, but trust me when I say you can weather it through and the benefits of being away from them will soon outweigh the emotional toll their behaviour will take on you.

abusers are cowards. the very first thing you need to understand about abusers is that they're weak and they're cowardly. unfortunately some abusers deal with this by straight-up physically attacking those weaker than them, but when it comes to emotional shit, they're helpless. all they can do is play their stupid little games in the hope that you'll see it as more convenient to continue humouring them. if you finally have enough, watch how quickly they lose control of the situation and fuck off. yeah, they'll tell everyone they meet that you were the abuser, but who cares? you'll be out of that situation, you know your own truth, your own friends will know the truth, and trust me when I say that everyone who believes the lie will also soon find out the truth.

I'm speaking from experience here. when I broke up with an abusive ex-boyfriend of mine, he went to our friend group and told them that I was the abuser, that I'd been abusing him for the whole time, that I was doing all kinds of fucked up shit -- he spread really malicious lies about me, all creepishly sexual in nature, probably as punishment for the fact I refused to sleep with him (I'm not into that shit). I lost pretty much all of my friends and was a pariah for years. as recently as a couple of years ago, he was apparently still sending people to "check up" on me. but you know what? it did not matter. aside from a few minor annoyances, it has not impacted my life. all of his best efforts to hurt me succeeded in minorly annoying me a few times, and then becoming nothing more than a running joke in a few Discord servers I'm in.

as for emotional blackmail? I cut off an abusive friend once who insisted she would kill herself if I left. she went as far as to self-harm and send me pictures to try and guilt me into staying online with her. I still told her where to go, and to this day she's alive and seems to be doing quite well. we were not good for one another, and one of us had to put our foot down. she did not kill herself, and she never had any intention of doing so. it was a panic response to her loss of control over me.

abusers pick easy targets. that's not to say it's your fault and you're allowing it to happen, but they pick people who don't fight back. when you do fight back, people like this throw a tantrum for a few months and they they find a new victim and focus on them instead. you become a footnote. if you weather the initial unpleasantness, you'd be surprised at how quickly they become completely insignificant to you. you have already survived the terrible things you confided in them; they are in the past, and they have no more power over you just because your abuser is spitting reminders at you. block them, cut them off, get out of there, and rest assured that no matter how rocky the road might briefly get, you can weather through it and it will be worth every moment. trust me. I've done it twice.

[bestworstcase]

i’ve been thinking about this post from a couple days ago and how i shared my four questions of character development but didn’t actually give an example of what my answers look like and it’s bugging me a bit because it occurs to me that it’s kinda just. lobbing a tool out there without documentation on how to use it properly rip

so uh. further details with examples ft. the bitter snow cast.

#1: what are they looking for?

all characters have an UNFULFILLED DESIRE that motivates them to action. the more central to the story the character is, the harder this must be to attain, as a general rule. this is, ideally, NOT an exterior goal. instead, it is the intrinsic wellspring from which the character’s goals and aspirations emerge.

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: it’s complicated. she is a character defined more by what she lacks than what she wants, per se; she does not feel secure of her place in the world, she craves trust because she feels she is distrusted, she craves respect because she feels she is overlooked, she craves love because she feels unloved. she doesn’t want to be a servant. she is terrified of insignificance, of being forgotten. she does not fit, and this hurts her. she is riddled with self-loathing and self-doubt because of the discrimination she has endured due to her saporian heritage. but if pressed to explain what she wants… she can’t summon a true answer. she doesn’t know what she wants, so what she is looking for fundamentally is to figure that out.

rapunzel: complicated again. she is a character defined in large part by what other people want from her. a people-pleaser who becomes anxious, persistent—even forceful—in her efforts to make everyone happy. she isn’t accustomed to paying attention to her own desires, and tends to neglect them unless she is acutely unhappy. i think she is looking for herself, more than anything.

varian: he is searching for answers. he wants to understand how the world works, to discover what it has to teach him. simple.

caine: she is looking for freedom. her life has been a long succession of horrific losses: her father was brutally taken from her, her mother became horribly ill, poverty and familial obligation robbed her of what remained of her childhood, she became disillusioned with the faith her aunt tried to share with her, her best friend died in her arms. she wants vengeance, and she also wants to stop carrying these ghosts with her, and she also wants to stop looking over her shoulder all the time and waiting for the next loss to catch up with her.

zhan tiri: she is looking for peace. she is the oldest living being in existence, and she came from nothing, and every single significant moment in her unfathomably long life has been soaked in blood and pain and death. her intrinsic nature is to hunger—always needing, always restless, always empty—and more than anything, she longs to break this endless circle of want.

#2: what’s stopping them?

every character must have an OBSTACLE which DISRUPTS their pursuit of what they’re looking for. it is the thing standing in their way. this is NOT the antagonist—it is the reason the character cannot easily overcome the antagonist. ideally it is something intrinsic.

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: she has, again, a complicated answer—because the very thing she is looking for is the same thing that stands in her way. how can she discover her basic, most primal want if she can’t even articulate her goals? she wants, at the beginning of the story, to join the watch—but not because she wants to join the watch, so much as joining the watch is a proxy for cassandra assimilating fully, for being coronan through and through, for scrubbing herself clean of the stain of her parents’ legacy—and that proxy is itself merely a proxy for her desire to belong—and her desire to belong is, in turn, a proxy for the agony of not knowing herself. she is piling bandaids on top of bandaids on top of bandaids on top of hemorrhages.

rapunzel: she is trapped in her own story. an evil witch kidnapped the magical lost princess, who escaped and came home; a miracle. the sundrop gifted its power to the lost princess; destiny. she a peacemaker and a mediator; it is her job to fix problems. narratives piled on narratives and she’s lost—or rather, never had—the insight to recognize that there is more to her than the stories people tell about her.

varian: his crushing need for approval is the key thing standing in his way. it isn’t just that his father’s disappointment or his village’s distrust make him warier of free experimentation; it is also, and perhaps even more so, that he is afraid of finding the wrong answers. answers that won’t help people. answers that his friends and allies won’t like. answers that change his basic view of the world in ways that feel antithetical to who he is. this fear holds him back from pursuing the truth.

caine: she is looking in the wrong direction; she is trying to not care, as if by not caring she can trick the universe into not taking anything else away. she is someone who cares so deeply trying to sever herself from everything she cares about without actually letting it go, which is of course an exercise in futility.

zhan tiri: what she wants is, quite simply, impossible. this is not a human answer because she is not human. contentment is and will always be something she is not capable of feeling, and chasing it is nothing but another exercise in insatiable hunger.

#3: what are they going to do about it?

this is about ACTION. it is not an option for a character to do nothing; the nature of the unfulfilled desire is that they are COMPELLED to seek it, somehow, by some means. if the answer to this question does not involve the character DOING SOMETHING, you need to return to question number one and fix the answer there.

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: she is going to fling herself headlong and without hesitation after whatever concrete goals feel like they might “fix” the lack she feels. even if a short term goal (like helping rapunzel sneak out) clashes or is contradictory with a longer term goal (like joining the watch). even if it is an obviously stupid idea (like her secret correspondence with rosalia morcant). even if it is an impulse with little if any rational basis (like fixating on finding varian, or joining the fight in socona). she is, essentially, throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks, because without knowing what she wants, she can’t form a coherent “quest” for herself.

rapunzel: she is going to follow the path of least resistance with whatever narrative feels the least restrictive to her at any given time. when she is fresh out of the tower, reconnecting with her real family and throwing herself into becoming a princess is that narrative. later, taking adira’s and xavier’s advice to pursue her destiny by questing for the moonstone replaces that narrative. since none of these narratives fully suit her—they are all boxes she tries to fit into—she will eventually grow discontent and cast them aside to try something new, until she finally breaks this cycle.

varian: he is going to fall into a cycle of hesitant side-stepping leading to crisis leading to frantic charge forward until he identifies this pattern and chooses to step calmly but courageously into unknown territory. his instinct is to try to go around, to find an oblique solution, but to get what he wants he will ultimately need to just face his fear head on—and deep down he is willing to do that.

caine: she is going to run, and fight, and keep running and fighting until her legs give out beneath her. vengeance appeals to her, and she’s going to chase it with everything she’s got while trying to protect what she has; her intense drive is tempered by caution, which manifests in a pragmatic approach to pursuit of her exterior goals.

zhan tiri: she is going to continuously and experimentally refine and broaden her definition of “hunger” with the aim of hitting on something that allows her to feel satiated. she is going to line up goals and systematically chew threw them until there’s nothing left. she is, eventually, going to devour the whole cosmos and then probably die.

#4: who do they think they are?

this is a question about the character’s SELF-IDENTIFICATION. how do they PERCEIVE themselves? how do they choose to DEFINE themselves? what do they see when they look in the mirror?

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: she is untrustworthy. she is ignored. she is likable but not lovable. she doesn’t fit anywhere. she’s empty. she’s unsure. she’s drowning in doubt. she is insignificant, unimportant. she has been wronged, somehow. she wants to be a hero. she is someone who wants to do the right thing. she never stops trying. she’s stupid and reckless and incapable and doesn’t deserve any of the things she wants. she probably cares too much.

rapunzel: she is good. she is kind. (she is better than other people, in some small way. she sees the potential for goodness that other people can’t, or won’t.) she is worthless. she exists to make the world a better place. she is a princess, so she has to lead. she is the sundrop, so she has to heal. she is strong. (she is weak.) her determination to be kind and willingness to trust are her best qualities.

varian: he’s probably a lot smarter than most people he knows. he doesn’t know anything, but he wants to. he’s reckless. he’s not good enough. he can’t replace his mom. he’s accident prone. he’s a disappointment. he moves too fast. he thinks too fast. he doesn’t really need to sleep. he’s better with chemicals and formulas and machines than people. he’s not someone people want to be friends with. he could do great things if people—especially his dad—would just believe in him for once.

caine: she is an asshole and there is nothing wrong with her. she’s callous. she’s selfish. she’s out for her own interest first. she’s fine. (it was her fault cornaīn died. it’ll be her fault if her mom dies, or if neasa dies, or if any more of her crew dies, or if cassandra dies.) she isn’t afraid, she isn’t hurt, she’s angry. the only person she can rely on is herself, and the only person she wants to rely on is herself. she’s not anxious, she’s being smart.

zhan tiri: she loves, and it hurts, and she loves anyway. there is a way to break the circle and she is going to find it; it isn’t over until the end; but nothing lasts but hunger. she has done nothing wrong, ever, in her life. she has so many regrets she could drown in them if she weren’t immortal. she is beautiful, stop screaming.

…and that’s the bedrock of a character. 

every individual action, every specific goal, every thought and feeling, is ultimately guided by the clash between this internal core with the realities of the setting, plot, and choices of other characters. cognitive dissonance between answers #1-3 and answer #4 is a breeding ground for inner conflict, and answers #1-3 are the raw material from which the spine of the character’s arc is sculpted.

[bonus round: this method comes from a scene in the pre-broadway houston run of the musical wonderland, wherein a character poses these questions to alice; her answers are:

#1: “i’m looking for my lost child.*”

*this being both literally her child who is lost but also metaphorically her own sense of wonder and discovery, which she has lost touch with.

#2: “i do! i keep getting in my own way, it’s all i do!”

#3: “i’m trying to figure that out!”

#4: “i’m chloe’s mother. i’m married to jack. these people are my friends. i’m a writer. i’m a teacher. i’m the dreamer of this dream. i’m lots of things; i’m my own invention!”

and when i first listened to this audio i was blown away by just how perfectly this distilled the character of alice down to her purest essentials so i immediately adopted it for character building purposes and i have never looked back because it is simple and it works.

in this scene there is also a fifth question, “what are you afraid of?” (paraphrasing: “losing the people i love”) which i have over time sort of just lumped in with how i answer the other four, because i find it to be less evocative on its own. however, it is useful information to know about a character and i recommend keeping it in mind when answering the other four.]

[linkspooky]

It’s Not a Love Triangle

Eren isn’t choosing romantically between Mikasa and Historia. In fact who Eren romantically likes is pretty much out of the question for him. He’s already said as much to Zeke, he doesn’t think it matters because he’s going to die in four years. He’s already stopped himself from having those feelings. However, not only is  Eren wavering between both girls written like a classical love triangle in a way the fandom has picked up on (and boy have they picked up on it), both of these girls clearly mean something to Eren. Eren is choosing between them in a way, but not romantically. Eren and Historia represent two different pathways Eren could have chosen. 

1. A Want vs Need Conflict

Historia kinda represents what Eren thinks he wants. Eren always gravitates towards his wants. [...]  Historia seems like the opposite of Mikasa. 

So, I’m paraphrasing here but this meta was written in response to an ask I received which pointed out this fact. Historia represents what Eren thinks he wants, and Historia is also the opposite of Mikasa. 

A Want vs. Need conflict. Explained. 

To understand want versus need, you’ll first need to know what each one means:

Want: something your character desires, because they believe it’ll improve their happiness.

Need: the lesson they need to learn to overcome their inner struggle and achieve true happiness.

Just like real people, your characters will have things in their life that make them unhappy, uncomfortable, or discontent. Their want is the thing they think will free them from these problems. On the other hand, their need is to learn and grow. This is how they’ll achieve true happiness, and how they’ll overcome the conflict of your story. [x]

So, Anon was picking up on that conflict. In a way Eren’s want being ‘freedom’ itself, kind of relates to this conflict. If a want is something a character thinks will free them from those problems, then Eren’s want is a quick and easy solution that will free him from the struggles he’s facing. Eren restates over and over again in the panels above that he wanted things to turn out this way. He wanted this conflict, he wanted to start it, he wanted to make it worse. In a way that is true. 

Historia represents what Eren thinks he wants. Eren keeps flashing back to two scenes when he is indecisive, either his childhood with Mikasa (wrapping the scarf around, seeing her by the tree the day the wall fell) or kissing the ring with HIstoria. The reason we keep coming back to kissing the ring is what Eren was thinking just as he kissed the ring. 

First when Eren’s indecisive about whether or not to tell everyone about the royal titan’s blood activating the control titan, his gaze lingers on MIkasa and Historia. He even talks about how his father had two wives, one of royal blood, and one who was just a regular girl he met on Paradis island. All while looking indecisively between MIkasa and Eren. It’s colored romantically, but it’s not. 

When Eren is about to kiss Historia’s ring he isn’t thinking about Historia in a romantic context. He’s thinking about how he wants to sacrifice his own life, but he doesn’t want Historia to sacrifice her life. 

Eren has always associated Historia with ideas of control, importance and agency he feels like he doesn’t have. Even the act of kissing the ring is like something a prince in a story book would do. Eren has always been especially bitter about the fact that he is just kind of a regular kid that all of this got thrust upon, rather than a person of import. 

Historia, and Zeke are both examples of characters who have lived lives that Eren thinks he wants. Zeke is propped up his whole life as a special person who is going to change the world and save the Eldian people, and this entirely wrecks him as a person. Historia’s circumstances in life were determined entirely by her birth. She was mistreated for being a bastard, she was abandoned for being a bastard, and even when she rose up as queen it was more because of her bloodline and how she could be used as a symbol to the people. 

It’s not just Eren being a baby about not feeling special enough though, it’s also how Eren copes. The fact is Eren has been made to feel powerless, and has lost people in circusmtances he can’t control again and again. This continual loss, and no lasting security makes Eren feel insecure as a person. Eren feels, incomplete and insufficient. 

He is made to feel continually unworthy of not only what others try to give him, but also he doesn’t think it’s even okay for him to survive and keep living when he was helpless to protect his mother. Carla tells him that he doesn’t need to do anything, all he needs to do is be born into this world to be loved. Yet, after losing her Eren feels himself as unworthy of even a mother’s love. He is continually feeling inferior over and over again, and Eren’s attempt to correct those feelings is, always, always, always. 

To make some grand desperate gesture like this. Eren swings between wanting to die in some big sacrifice to protect all of humanity, and wanting to kill everyone else, and both of those are very true to who he is at the same time... somehow. But, what’s important is both of them are kind of the same thing. 

I’m simplifying here, but you can look at my other meta for Eren’s psychological inner workings. Basically, Eren wants to do a big thing. Eren has been made to feel so helpless, and so useless for so long that his response is just as extreme as all of the stress he’s piled up and endured for so long. He wants to do a big thing, that will place him at the center of the narrative. 

These ideas, specialness, strength, importance, they all represent a control over their own lives Eren does not have. Even Historia gets to ascend as queen and gets political importance. Eren brushed against the idea that Historia might just be a normal girl in the Uprising Arc, but that’s also not the conclusion he landed on. We see his thoughts at the end, and he chooses to see HIstoria as a special, strong person again. Not only that but he sees Historia as having something he lacked. 

His statement is ironic because it also applies to Historia. Eren thought he was special, but everything special about him was just kind of happenstance. Eren just happened to inherit the attack titan because who he was born as. The same way Historia just happened to be born as someone with royal blood. In that way, Eren and Historia are both normal people. They were born into cirucmstances they can’t really control and they live reacting to those circumstances the same way as everybody else. Everybody, is a normal person, because everybody is born into this world. 

Eren is able to perceive for a moment that Historia is a normal girl, but also ultimately he’s not able to give that to her. And it’s because Eren and Historia are ultimately too similiar. When given the choice between playing a role, and being themselves they will try to choose playing a role because that’s their broken way of seizing agency in their own lives. It’s just Eren will pretend that he is important when he doesn’t and try to steal that for hismelf, and Historia will try to fulfill what other people expect of her. 

Eren could have perceived HIstoria as a normal girl, but I think ultimately he didn’t and it was because of this moment right here. Both Eren and Historia cope in a way where they try to be important. I think true rebellion for Historia would be declaring that she’s just going to be a person. You know a normal girl. That’s what she wants, but Historia will always deny what she wants and act in ways she thinks she wants instead. Or rather what she thinks other people want of her. 

Historia declaring that she’s the enemy of mankind is dramatic, but it’s really just flipping the narrative. Either way, if she’s the girl who sacrifices herself for the sake of mankind, or the enemy of all mankind who refuses to sacrifice Eren it’s just one extreme flipping for another. It’s still black and white thinking. 

Also if I were to simplify the goal of both Eren and Historia, it’s that they both want to live with pride, because as people they are fundamentally without pride. They are both insecure in themselves, their decisions, and choices. 

However, they don’t exactly understand what living what pride means. As characters both of them are kind of grasping. It honestly just means live with your choices whatever they are. However, Eren, Historia tend to see these things in big, sweeping dramatic narratives. So they think living with pride means, making these big decisions that affect the whole world. 

Basically, Eren and Historia are both lacking in pride because they see themselves as such little and insignificant people. So, they make choices that they think will give them pride. However, their ideas of pride also go hand in hand with unhealthy ideas of self sacrifice, taking everything on their shoulders alone, and also just... plain wanting to die. 

2. Family vs. Pride

Mikasa represents what Eren needs, but he thinks he can never have. Simply put, the narrative focuses on HIstoria’s connection to Eren when he talks about the unhealthy things he thinks he wants. Whereas, Mikasa always represents the connections in his life. 

Eren thinks he wants destruction. Eren thinks he wants hate. Eren thinks he wants to be the one to end the world. The same way that all along Eren thinks he’s wanted to kill all the titans. Eren’s moment of kissing the ring is shown again and again as the image associated with Eren coming to that decision. Whereas, Eren’s quiet moments of regret always linger around Mikasa. When he’s thinking of his friends happiness it’s Mikasa who is at the center of the picture looking towards him, at the same time as he’s about to go forward with Zeke and Historia, Zeke brings up the fact that MIkasa is probably just in love with him. 

Eren stops to ask Mikasa why she was following him around all this time. He asks Mikasa to see something in him that he can’t see in himself, because maybe, sort of he thinks it will give him a reason not to go if she can just soemhow say the right words to him. 

Everything human and vulnerable about himself he associates with MIkasa. When Eren is choosing to cut himself off from his friends so they cannot get in th way and stop him, and also he cannot stop himself he deliberately tries to make Mikasa hate him. He also states that he hates her. 

If Eren doesn’t love Mikasa. If Eren hates her in fact. Then Eren cuts off that vulnerability and weakness that might trip him up when he has to make the big decision to end the world. Eren is who he thinks he wants to be around Historia. Even when Eren breaks down in front of Historia, he’s still begging her to sacrifice himself so his death can save the world. 

There’s a parallel to these two scenes because Eren breaks down crying in front of both girls. 

Mikasa’s response is a gentle assertion that Eren didn’t need to be strong and protect her, he helped her just by being by her side, and living with her. It resembles Karla’s words that Eren doesn’t need to be anybody important, he’s already worthy of being loved just because he was born into this world.

Historia’s speech is much more complex than that, and it wavers between a selfless statement which is I will save someone crying if they are right in front of me that’s the way I want to live my life, and a much more selfish statement of LET’S FUCK THE WHOLE WORLD IF TI’S TELLING US TO SACRIFICE OURSELVES. However, I think it’s clear which part of the speech Eren picked up on, and it’s when Historia suggests they become the enemies of mankind together. 

Eren and Historia are people who desire to be loved for who they are, and be just normal people and have that be enough, but in the moment they will most often choose to be someone other than who they are. Mikasa makes the opposite choice of both of them. 

Mikasa chooses family over and over instead of pride. 

However, I don’t necessarily think this means that Mikasa is better as a person than HIstoria. It’s just what makes her different. Mikasa’s never really been insecure the same way Eren and Historia are. 

She already has plenty of pride, which is why it’s not a big concern for her. 

It’s also not a problem that HIstoria wants pride. That’s probably going to be the final and utlimate direction of her arc. It’s that HIstoria’s idea of living with pride is very messed up. She doesn’t know what living with pride is, and acts on what she thinks it is instead. 

Not only that Mikasa’s version of living with her family is very messed up as well. Mikasa has always, always, always been a very codpendent character. She thinks living with her family means prioritizing one person and following them around at the expense of everything else. She also thinks it’s fundamentally impossible to live without that person.

Mikasa’s primary difficulty as a character has always been finding some way to live on without Eren. However, she also wants to be close to Eren because she loves him. See it’s like a conflict. 

We’ve seen since Trost the conclusion she needs to reach that she can live on even without Eren. However, it’s difficult because Mikasa associates family, living, these things are things Eren gave her and not things she has for herself. It’s because these ideas are so tied up in Eren for her because of childhood trauma she has difficulty seeing them clearly.

She attributes too much of herself to Eren. Mikasa has difficulty seeing herself as a person apart from Eren, thus she becomes codependent. Mikasa wants family, but her idea of family is messed up and codependnet. Eren and Historia want pride, but their idea of pride is also messed up. 

However even though both girls are flawed, Mikasa is the one who represents the path of living. It’s been the central struggle of her arc since Trost. How can she continue to live in a world that is cruel. If Mikasa can’t do anything to make huge changes to the nature of the world, then how can Mikasa continue living inside of that world? 

For Eren there is two conflicting desires. There is what he thinks he wants and what will alleviate him of his struggles. That is, dying in a cool way. Then there’s what Eren actually needs which is to learn to live with himself and his flaws, and keep living even in a world that is far from his ideals. 

Eren at the moment is gravitating towards Historia. He chooses to confide his plan to destroy everything in her. He follows her words and decides to become the enemy of the world.

However, the one facing down a sea of titans to get to him is Mikasa. The one who ultimately stops him by reminding him of his humanity is going to be Mikasa. The one person who loves him as he is. Eren wants to be free from everything, but he’s forgotten that it’s your connections with other people that gives you the strength to carry on the burdens of life together and keep on living.