#i know the dude is like a shitty person
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ok so yknow how everyone in the creepypasta fandom decided that don't u dare forget the sun by get scared is toby's song?? that is literally my singing voice claim for him
#ticci toby#toby rogers#ticci toby headcanons#toby rogers headcanons#creepypasta#creepypasta headcanons#i know the dude is like a shitty person#we're ignoring that for the sake of his voice
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Goddd give me Thomas, Martha and Alfred who were completely obsessed with baby Bruce. Martha who’s quiet but solemn affection.
Hand holding, polishing his messy cheeks after he stole dessert from the kitchen, words of affirmation, teaching him how to build confidence brick by brick. “No one is made to be insignificant.”
Thomas who’s bright and loud and bigger than big, who’s just pride embodied. Showing Bruce off at every opportunity. His love is savage by nature.
Squishing Bruce’s face and throwing him around and aggressively kissing him all over his face. Maybe biting into the chub of his cheeks a little. Bruce is like his extra limb.
And Alfred? From the second Bruce took his first breath, he knew. He knew Gotham would drown him in shadow because the little pearl was just too perfect. But he’ll be there.
He was the knight first.
#thomas having cute aggression 24/7 is something that can be soooo personal#very hands on dad. I think if you were a shitty dude who dad shamed him he’s just grin at you — teeth full and sharpened#‘you know I delivered my baby right’#but Bruce was everybody’s baby I think#like - I don’t think the Waynes had staff because thomas likes being a handyman#but the driver and gardener and cook and the maid staff need to have jobs so they’re there once or twice a week and Bruce is very much#their baby as well#bruce wayne#baby bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#thomas wayne#martha wayne#pennywaynes
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suicide cw
look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am.
ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.
this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.
He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!
you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.
it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions.
what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT.
am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!
yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).
The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.
#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post.#before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly#again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but.#he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin.#its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it#its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people#we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves#so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit#like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it?#yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice.#this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi#gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism#its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt#if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions.#hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him#like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me.#its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it.#for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong#oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this.#james somerton#idk might delete this later its just. ugh...
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kinda thinking about how the women who serve as maternal figures/raise kids in yyh are never quite ready for it. genkai's an arguable exception, but like.. atsuko had yusuke at 15, shizuru's basically in charge of kazuma full time in her early 20s/late teens (depending on version) with very very absent parents, and even shiori is given a kid she wasn't expecting, in the form of an old, old demon rather than like. a regular, blank slate ass human baby. and although shiori seems to do quite well with kurama, kurama can never be honest with shiori about who he is, or much of what he's seen. if he was, it'd probably make things far more complicated and overwhelming. atsuko, no matter how much she cares for yusuke, Could Not Have Been and thus wasn't ready to have him at 15. her attempts to make the most of that situation have had middling success at best. shizuru has also been placed into a parental role. we don't really know how long she's been raising kuwabara, but that's.. probably still parentification anyway. she shouldn't have to do that, and she shouldn't have to do that so young. and i think some of her coarseness with kuwa is out of frustration with her own inexperience + inadequacy + uncertainty, his not cooperating, and their parents for putting this on her in the first place. the ones who know the full extent of their situation grow desperate and it squeaks out in unpleasant ways, and the one who seems unbothered by it is the only one who has no idea that she's in way over her head. and i mean. ok. gonna preface this by saying keiko is NOT yusuke's mom in any sense of the word. but she does take care of him in a way atsuko couldn't manage to. she's often looking after him and cleaning up after his messes and stuff. she takes him on as a responsibility, and that is, in a way, a caretaker role. not to say that it SHOULD be her responsibility, but it's how she ends up being.
and when the stress of trying to make someone take care of themselves or be kind or good or Whatever goes awry, again, the violence and arguing and distance and ugliness of caring for someone reveals itself.
and i wonder about that. for a series dedicated to physical fighting as a form of communication, what does it say that this extends to the complicated, quietly desperate situations of so many of the women/girls it depicts, whom our more central characters were shaped and raised by?
hell, even hiei touches on this, because hina loved hiei, but there was no way she was prepared for him, obviously, nor for the pain of losing him. rui (whom i also see as a sort of caretaker figure to hiei, inasmuch as either of them were caretakers) literally throws him off a cliff because she couldn't face down the village elders, and out of some mixture of care for hina and, likely, fear for her own survival. and the guilt and pain of that killed hina and deeply wounded rui.
it's like motherhood, this thing that's so often treated as sacred and beautiful, is a kind of stitched up, painful, eggshell-walking thing that hurts parent and child and it's just. oughh
#genuinely begging for discussion on this bc im too tired to think about it anymore but i think it's cool#yyh#yu yu hakusho#also apologies if any of the atsuko stuff's iffy im anime-only </3 i skimmed the wiki but. it's the wiki so grain of salt#atsuko urameshi#shizuru kuwabara#shiori minamino#keiko yukimura#genkai#yyh meta#<- i never tag stuff w that but i probably should..#this is making me a little emo about all of them but on the side more quietly kurama bc like. bro he loves his mom so much and he can't tel#her ANYTHING. houghhh she will never ever know him she will live and die within his lifetime and not know any of the big beautiful terrible#life of his that she's missed. god that fucking sucks dude wait#anyway something that's only grown in importance to me is how prickly the relationships in yyh can be. like damn they do love each other#and it's even mostly a good thing. but sometimes that means you're shitty to each other. sometimes you're not great at it yk#and the characters therein are complicated and flawed without feeling like it's a huge focus. like plenty of media go here's these fucked u#guys look at how they scuttle and that's cool fr but with yyh it feels so subtle and gentle and real. it's so personal and human and i love#it. even when it means hiei doesn't reunite with the gang at the end or when genkai never tells yusuke what he means to her#y'know? that stuff used to hurt me and now it hurts me in a good touching 'god i love people' kinda way. yeah
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Why don't you like Jimmy or Jimmy simps??
Hey darling!
So I don't like Jimmy for.. obvious reasons, but I have nothing against Jimmy simps!!
Let your freak flag fly, I do not care. I just personally don't write for Jimmy as it is a personal thing, but I can always help direct people to writers who do!!
Like for example, and these two are on the top of my head because 1. I love their work and 2. They actually have commented on one of my posts earlier so they're first writers that come to mind
@/jambalaya-enthusiast and @/curly-my-beloved are good ones!! I don't write for Jimmy, but last I checked these two do!! They're amazing writers and you guys should check them out
#im not going to fully tag them because I dont know them personally#but they seem like lovely people and if you have any jimmy x reader requests for Mouthwashing#they are some good ones#I think there might be a few other writers but im not sure..#if anyone knows any more please let me know and I will add their names on here too!!#I dont like jimmy but I have nothing against his simps guys#and by the way I dont really appreciate those “anon was lucky they stayed anon” comments#because as a writer and a reader it can really suck seeing those comments and thinking theres something wrong with it#like curly is a shitty dude too but I still weite for him I just dont write for Jimmy since its a personal preference#ill stop rambling#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing#mouthwashing horror game#jimmy x reader#mouthwashing jimmy#jimmy mouthwashing#jimmy x reader mouthwashing
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Lilith wip (he/him!)
#oc#original character#i never posted this here i guess lol#anyways heres my guy Lilith he has a terrible personality and works at some shitty jo bin a seaside town and meets this mermaid creature#life for him gets weird idk it story is v vague as of right now lmao#i just know that he used to be kind of a normal character but then iw as like what if he was kinda horrible#anyways this wip is VERY old and im very mad i never got to finish it cause there is so much i want to fix -____-#anyways i love giving my boys long hair and a bang moment lmao#prettyfying every oc i have#hes also missing earrings -__-#art#digital art#sketch#wip#work in progress#trans oc#trans masc#trans man? maybe? stilll figuring that out#in the story itself hes explorign that sorta thing idk maybe he's a dude but like only a little lol#who knows man
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how to live a happy and fulfilling life when everyone around you is obsessed with shame and guilt and suffering
#i DO already know how - i’m just complaining#if one more person apologizes to me unnecessarily i think i will explode in a mass of blood and viscera#like. i’m legit gonna have trauma about this it makes me so mad lmaoooo#ALSO i’m FINALLY getting the ball rolling for my mom and mom-mom re: getting a home care person to help out#and she’s like ‘whoa… maybe i could go back to work…’#and it’s like. dude. HOW did you not seriously consider this until now????#you haven’t taken a vacation in three years because you think that to love is to suffer dude!!!!!!!#get help!!!!!!!!#or a home care aide at the very least…#never thought that applied statistics would be my escapism activity but here we are…#despite how shitty my high school years were i think 2024 is probably objectively gonna go down as the worst year of my life so far#but a lot of good has happened and is happening also#and i’m much stronger now than i was then#so you know…#we move forward
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ok serious post. i see a lot of people here using fv/ck/sn/uff as icons, in edits, etc. and i just want you guys to know that they are actually like, genuinely evil. read this post here and reblog this, especially if youre in the emh community, i really really dont think we should be promoting this person at all. thanks for ur time <3
#everymanhybrid#slenderverse#serious talk#sorry if im tag spamming i just know this dudes art is popular#and hes like personally been shitty to me and ppl i know#marble hornets#tribetwelve
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Tony Becker is one of the only times that I've seen that a character has actually been doomed by the plot when people say he is
#i probably just am not interested in enough other things to see it more often#but he genuinely fucking is#like how does it feel to dig yourself in a hole you cant come back from as a result of your own actions#and your life going downhill and everything that could go wrong going wrong#and you isolate yourself more and more from your friends and family without even realizing and are so sure of uourse#that you run into everything headfirst not ever thinking that you could ever get hurt even though your dad warned you#and you died from your best friend because of ir#that you were considering ditching everyone else for#like dude.#ggy genuinely is such a good book tony as a character is so well written#its such a tragic story in every sense of the word#every part of that book and all its characters are tragic#tony especially is because gregory beinf mind controlled is off screen#but tony is just. wow ur kinda a shitty person but wholly unaware of it#but the people on your life kinda failed you alongside you failing yourself#so he never even got the time of day to be wrong and aware of it and learn from it#nobody ever cared or was able to tell him that so he could start improving#nope. he died and his family and his best friend have to live with that not ever knowing what happened to him#and ellis' two best friends probably go missing at the same time and he just has to move on#like damn its such a good story#pandas.txt#tony#ggy#thoughts
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me and a beloved mewtual going LITERALLY and EXACTLYY to each other as we reaffirm a core part of the story being wwx's overall journey in his social dynamics to stability and security as he goes, not without tragedy and loss, but from a contentious and unsupportive main relationship in a hostile social setting that degenerates quickly into dysfunction and instability and violence to end up with a supportive and healthy and happy life partnership with someone whose main life goals involve taking care of him
#like YES wwx lost so much and he was truly happy in some aspects of LP and it was so unfair what he lost#but starting the story being so close to jc and then ending it being so close to lej was unquestionably a net benefit for him#and im someone who does support reconciliation but it's a happy ending that wwx is with someone#who can and will prioritize him and care for him and support him and prove himself trustworthy and a moral equal#in the way that wwx needs#not that it doesn't hurt. it probably hurts jc more tho#and um how do I say this. I don't rly care? after all he's done to wwx he doesn't even have the right to be in the same room as him#let alone demand shit from him. any reconciliation HAS to come with sincere and heartfelt apology#and if wwx rides off into the sunset w lwj and jc is left alone and miserable well. that's tragic but that's also due to his own actions#like dude you treated him like that what did you expect...#like at the end of the day. actions have consequences and shit#'well he didn't know about xyz' the shit he was doing to wwx both before and after he lost his gc was insane sorry#jc acts on emotion amd doesn't stop to think he might not have all the info...#also like. I get him being angry abt jyl even a decade abd a half after the fact#but attacking someone ill and unarmed multiple times as they're trying to flee#and intentionally using their phobia to terrorize them. is just deeply cruel and malicious and ignoble. he's a shitty person#idk how much he cries. 40 year old minor....#like personally I don't consider him abusove as a brother but he's clearly ready and willing to abuse his power as a sect leader#when he gets mad enough#but yeah sect leader and uncle and brother of the year 🙄#cql txp
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I was thinking about the fact that it's very funny that my parents had more problems with me being atheist than with me being queer.
Like:
"Sure hon, you have a weird perception of your gender and you could possibly bring home women, men or everything in-between... fine, love is love we will take you to the pride and stuff ^w^. BUT WHAT ABOUT JESUS CHRIST HUH?????"
And when I say they had 'more problems' I mean they were like "ow... so you won't come to church on Sundays with us anymore? At least the holidays?🥺"
like idk it's so funny to me
#sometimes I gotta acknowledge the fact that I'm lucky#if my catholic parents were bigoted I would have had such a shitty childhood and adolescence#I mean adolescence sucked anyway#but it could have been so much worse with shitty parents#steel rambles#also lol I forget how much having been a religious person influenced me?#like lmao “local tumblr user discovers that going to church for 15 years every sunday influenced them in some way”#but like not in a negative way#just in weird ways#funny ways?#like I read the bible thrice in my life#once because I wanted to know the story in general and the book I had was full of pretty pictures so nice#I've always been curious about religions an myths anyway#the second I was 13 and I was proving a point#yes I read the bible to win an argument#one about lesbians never being demonized or even cited in the bible#the third time I read just the apocalypse because it was cool and I wanted to impress a girl with cool references...#“local tumblr user tried to impress a girl with cool quotes from the apocalypse” you can laugh but I have no regrets#I also “complained” to God a lot lool#like dude if you actually exist I'm so sorry for the 15 years of gossips and complaining you had to endure#like idk for example my teacher was being unfair?#me mentally: “see God? see what I have to put up with??? like I can't belive she said that!!!!”#I treated God like an imaginary friend or something I think? am I being blasphemus??#ahahshjshdhfhg
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i still think it's funny that the one fallout (game) writer implied that the sole survivor (nate) committed war crimes and so many people lost their minds
#╰ ✿ ╮ ━ ❝ sky speaks. ❞ ( ooc )#don't get me wrong the dude's a total dumbass who didn't even work on og fallout#which means the 'nate is the dude laughing at war crimes' connection isn't his to make#BUT the reaction to it was so mwah. chef's kiss#i plan on writing about james's thoughts on the war/his involvement#but the truth is. through ignorance or through outright cruelty (as shown in the fallout intro)#the entire u.s. military was involved in some level of war crimes#the united states notoriously lures in young men. makes them killers. then regurgitates them back into normal society#with minimal to no support for wars that ARE CRIMINAL#i personally don't believe that makes every person affiliated with the military a war criminal bc the u.s. has this way with indoctrination#that makes people BELIEVE they're fighting for good and freedom until they have no idea what they're truly fighting for#but like. the sole survivor probably did some shitty stuff even if they didn't know it#so though i think it was dumb to tie him back to the original fallout game#the truth is that the sole survivor probably was involved in war crimes to a degree#anything else is up to the player
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"i know you're looking for salvation in the secular age, but girl i'm not your savior" is a lyric i've been singing since i was approximately 13 years old without thinking about how hard it goes
#it's a shame matty healy is a shitty person because the 1975's self titled record is an innovative masterpiece#not bloated like their other albums#(although i do still love a lot of their later music... this is their one truly impeccable Body Of Work)#the dude himself is insufferable but he unfortunately does know how to make good ass music :/#(also i was thinking today about how much of my music taste was shaped by listening to the 1975 for over a decade)#(and that got me to thinking how I started listening to them because of harry. all things truly do lead back to 1d huh.)
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I think some of you guys hate Izzy more than you ever liked Ed and no amount of “he’s my special babygirllll 💞 she’s just a sparkle princess you can’t hold her accountable for anything 🥰✨” posts are gonna be able to hide that
#like yeah nice try using the brown dude as a shield for your hate campaign or whatever but it isn’t working lol#I’m sure they kinda like Ed. but they sure don’t like Ed as much as they like hating on Izzy#who Ed loves btw. let’s just circle back there sometime they love each other. eat dirt maybe#I adore Ed and I love how nuanced and messy his breakdown was#how his actions aren’t motivated by being Evil but at the same time his actions are his own#and they’re undeniably fucked up to the nth degree and he has to own them#because it’s kinda relatable tbh!! I’ve never been that horrid but I’m a person and I’ve fucked up before#and even if I was struggling deeply at the time because of other’s behaviours towards me it was me who did those things#and I had to own them. and grow from it#and my queerness and brownness and trauma didn’t make me exempt from growing and being responsible#which also meant I’m not exempt from personhood and growing and bettering myself and loving myself and all the good that comes with humanity#Ed did fucked up horrible things to the crew and Izzy. and if you can’t acknowledge them for what they are and how awful they are#then you can’t really acknowledge Ed as a character and person beyond the limited ideal you made of him in your head. what he did was wrong#and that’s not alright. but it’s okay. because we know he’s gonna have to grow. that’s the bit people who really care are looking forward to#I’m tagging this#the izcourse#because I kinda feel like it’s overlapping with really shitty Ed takes and meta
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Abandonment issues suck so much ass dude. I spend every moment afraid of you leaving me but i cant tell you that or you'll be disgusted and leave me anyways. every other person that could potentially give you more of what i have is a threat. i have to give you what you want from me otherwise you will leave me. you don't love me. you love me so much and that's my fault. you love me because you are a Good Person. you only love me out of obligation and one day it will be too much for you. You Are A Good Person.
#sorry. having another normal one#cicadas vent tag#delete later#all of my dreams lately have been about my online friends talking shit about me#i know its stupid#i know im supposed to take people at their word#and you have no reason to lie to me#Yall Are Good People#but. but#maybe you do only love me out of obligation#maybe you only love me because my mental state would crumble without it and you feel like you have to#there's no way of proving if you do or not#this feeling has been haunting me for weeks im so fucking sick of it dude#and this post is still sanitized. theres still more t it i just. its already long enough#and i dont want to seem like a shitty person#or a shitty friend#sorry#im sorry
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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