#i know the deal (2003) is going to save me

[oldbutchdaniel]

sorry not to talk about political rpf again but this is shennant related i promise bc its on the david tennant podcast episode with michael sheen that michael sheen calls the deal 'a love story between tony blair and gordon brown' . notably ALSO the SAME podcast on which david tennant interviewed the REAL gordon brown. funny thing for michael to say also because having now read a very long book about it all i can comfortably say that the deal is about a third as gay as whatever was going on in the british labor party in real life. like michael sheen of all people actually de-gayed a british prime minister. okay thank u thats all i have been enjoying seeing ur shennantposting stay crazy 🙏

HOLD ON THIS IS SOOOOSDKJBFJDSBFJBDSFJBJSDHFJBDSF

i don't even have words for this. i mean first of all the rpf lore contained between shennant is deeper than we could ever possibly hope to comprehend and also as ever michael sheen continues to be the craziest actor on god's green earth. god bless.

this is also great additional listening to consider as my roommate and i are officially doing the michael sheen political yaoi marathon this weekend due to your influence. im all the more excited now

[syoddeye]

ill-advised

simon x f! reader | 1165 words cw: simon being a gross creep, terrible advice, slimy internet culture, bad usernames, unsolicited nudes a/n: wrote this silly thing on my phone. lightly edited. been thinking about how simon would be the world's worst agony uncle. enjoy a few easter eggs.

Simon doesn’t have a God complex. No. He leaves that to the Simulation 5 streamers who build complicated dungeons beneath their character’s cottages, forcing others to labor on paintings or crochet projects to sell and support their captor’s livelihood. Not that he…watches those. No, no. He’s simply seen more than his fair share of depravity. Some of it at his expense, some at others, and more than a chunk of it dealt by his own two hands. He knows how the world works. How people work. He knows his shit, plain and simple.

So when his schedule allows, he logs on after midnight. His username and password are two alphanumeric strings, but people recognize the cluster of digits and letters. Wait for his comments. Follow his account. Send him stupid digital gifts, some useless currency to dress up his default icon. The amount increases daily, as does his following. His own little cult.

He doesn’t care about the numbers. Not really. He just loves dishing out his honest opinion, and nobody’s safe.

AN [Advice Needed] Family forgot to invite me on a trip, expect me to go last minute Hi, it’s like the title says. I (25 M) live across the country from my parents, siblings (all all adults), nieces, and nephews. I am the only one who lives on this coast, but I try to visit twice a year. I recently reached out to my brother to see when he thinks I should come visit in June and suggested some dates. I know it’s only February, but I want to save money on airfare. He responded: “Isn’t that when we’re going to Hawaii???” It was the first I heard of it. It turns out my parents invited my siblings to Hawaii and planned a family vacation without me. I confronted my parents about it, they swore they invited me too then said I could send them my share of the bill for the resort and book a flight. Like it’s no big deal. I can’t afford to go and I don’t want to go, but I feel really pressured. And sad! They forgot me! Who am I, Kevin McAllister?

> 35J0G39GH6: Find out the resort name. Cancel the reservations. Cease contact.

Within seconds, a dozen upvotes. A minute later, a hundred. Up, up, up. And the replies? Oh, the replies. He smirks at the cracked phone screen.

>> michaelEthelcaine: Fucking brutal as always >> c0y0t3fug1y: LMAO it’s this simple OP - this dude is never wrong >> patcemetery79: I DID THIS BACK IN 2003 FOR A FAMILY REUNION. A REAL RIOT! HAVEN’T BEEN INVITED TO ONE SINCE@ HILARIOUS!!!!!! I LOVE YOU 35J

Simon receives a fair share of downvotes, too. Negative comments. He doesn’t give a shit, but some of them are fucking hilarious.

>> grasshopperwhirlpool: Not funny. Be better than this asshole, OP. I’m sure it was a simple mistake. >> thewildrumpussy: really mature advice. who shit in your coffee?

Every few weeks, a morally righteous do-gooder encourages people to mass-report him, and he gets a slap on the wrist. The idiots come out in droves after some of his more choice replies, like worms after a heavy rain. The most recent offense?

AN [Advice Needed] My husband (35 M) forgot my (33 F) birthday My husband of three years forgot my birthday. No flowers, cake, or gifts. When I came home from work he asked about dinner. I lost it, turned around, and left. I’m at my sister’s house now (and she started baking when I called and told her what happened!) but he won’t stop blowing up my phone. He says it’s because he’s been so busy but here’s the thing: he forgot last year too. I really love him but I’m tired of this treatment.

> 35J0G39GH6: Have your friend take you home between 3-4 AM. Cut his brake lines. Go back to her place. Wait for the inevitable.

>> 6polyesterbutthole9: i dont care if this is illegal its funny af >> passtheaggression: Hand to god, you need your own forum dude.  >> gordonramsme55: Where are the mods on this??? This shit is going to get someone killed. Report this psycho. >>> puffalo: Agreed I think this breaks Rules 3 & 5, reporting now >> austrianPrincess: not saying i did this but when my boyfriend’s brakes failed, i got a big check, OP!  >>> gordonramsme55: This is what I’m talking about!  >>> 6polyesterbutthole9: get that check >> tech60nyneme: WOW someone check this guy’s crawlspace. reported and blocked

That one earns him the most severe ‘punishment’ yet: A month-long commenting ban. No skin off his nose, he's deployed days later, anyway. If anything, the radio silence winds his followers up, their excitement a palpable thing when he gets out of forum jail. He rewards them with another series of blunt, to-the-point pieces of advice. 

His absence makes one particular fan particularly hungry, and a little desperate.

He’s no stranger to unsolicited dick and cleavage pics from his followers. They flood his inbox, giving him a side hobby of delivering pithy degradation the sick fucks seem to love. Saves the best for his private collection. 

But then he gets a picture from some cute thing with a comment about him being her favorite person on the Internet. Knelt all sweet in front of her mirror, haloed by a ring light, white lace barely hiding the goods. His eyes snap to her tits—where his ridiculous username is scrawled in sharpie. There’s nothing to critique except maybe the laundry in the background of the shot. Tugs his cock to it, then clicks her username to check her comment history, and wouldn’t you know. Her location is public on her profile. She’s a couple hours away from her idol and doesn’t even know it. 

>> 35J0G39GH6: Perfection. >> YN10282022: Oh my god, I didn’t think you’d reply. >> YN10282022: You know, a few months ago, you gave me good advice about my creepy boss. >> YN10282022: I posted about the stuff he’d say to me. >> YN10282022: It took some time, but I was able to record him. Sent it over to his wife on their anniversary. When he accused me, I told him HR was getting the next copy. >> YN10282022: I got a promotion and a raise, and sent the file anyway. >> 35J0G39GH6: Good girl. >> 35J0G39GH6: I’ll be in your neck of the woods in a week for work. >> YN10282022: Really?? I’d love to meet up! >> 35J0G39GH6: Probably shouldn’t. I’d advise you against meeting me. >> YN10282022: They do say you should never meet your heroes. :) >> 35J0G39GH6: Shouldn’t meet strangers off the Internet, either.

She still sends him the address of a cafe. It matches one he finds on her social media an hour later. She seems to be a frequent customer. Simon grins at his screen, the sole light source in his dark room. He taps back to her pretty picture.

She looks like an angel.

[taffycandyqt]

hey so how do you think the tmnt 2003 boys would deal with being saved by their s/o from someone trying to dissect and capture them and at the end of it s/o hugs them and it sounds like a chilling yet loving promise “I won’t let them have you”?

Ooooooooo. I love me some protective y/n!!

Through Me First

Masterlist

Request Rules

Some rando science jerk wants to know exactly what the turtles are. Imagine their surprise at learning they have a s/o.

2003 turtles (separately) x reader

Warnings: mentions of dissection and the tools used to do such, violence

Fluff, crack? Angst probably

Established relationships

Leo:

You didn't know what happened.

One minute all four turtles were on patrol and the next only three came back battered and bruised.

You were terrified.

Someone took Leo, and for what?

To report him to the government?

Turn him over to police?

Experiment on him?

You hated thinking of what could happen to him.

So while the others were getting their injuries treated you took the turtle van and a couple of guns and looked for you boyfriend.

It took a while to find them and you nearly died trying to get him out of there.

If it weren't for Casey and April following you, you probably would have.

It didn't matter how tired you were though, you were furious after seeing Leo strapped to a table.

You would fight like your life depended on it, barely sane enough to keep from killing everyone in that room.

When you got to Leo you were much to impatient to find him a sensible way out and instead opted for shooting his restraints off.

By the time you both made it out of the facility and back into the turtle van April and Casey were already chewing you out for being so reckless. You didn't care though. You tended to Leos wounds. Your gentle motions in stark contrast to the rampage you went on earlier. You were precise with the wrappings as your bloodied fingertips secured his bandages.

"You should really take care of your own injuries," Leo told you for the fifth time since getting in the van.

"I will. After I'm done here," you respond, again, for the fifth time. You didn't look at him, still much to focused on patching him up. Leo would have pushed harder for you to take care of yourself but he was so physically and mentally drained from the experience that he couldn't bring himself to. Especially since he's never seen you act this way before, and it felt like he was trending on eggshells trying to figure out how exactly you were feeling.

"Are you even listening y/n!?" April chastised. You didn't respond. You finished up your last bandage on Leo and began to inspect him. You looked him over head to toe, poking and prodding at different areas for a reaction, just to make sure he's alright.

"Y/n?!" April tried to get your attention.

"I heard you. I understand," you told her, not breaking eye contact with Leo. April huffed, not fully believing you but deciding that she's done all she could.

Once you had decided you've done all you could for Leo you wrapped your arms around his neck in a desperate hug. You held him and buried your face in his neck, eyes wide open.

"Y/n?" He asked, returning your embrace.

"I will never let them have you," you whispered in his ear.

Leo felt his throat tighten. That's the coldest tone he'd ever heard you use. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel.

Raph:

Heaven knows Raph is probably ticked about being kidnapped.

You were ticked to hear that everyone what "too injured" and "ill prepared to go looking for him"

Screw that, you forced Casey to drive and took one of his baseball bats.

No one hurts your man without going through you first.

Everyone was worried to learn about your disappearance and Casey was to concerned to not listen to you.

You were a generally gentle soul so having you get like this was a little off putting for him.

You both broke into multiple Purple Dragon bases looking for either Raph or information, and eventually you found what you were looking for.

It wasn't a pretty sight.

Raph was passed out, probably anesthesia.

A man in a lab coat with plastic gloves was hovering over him with a circular saw inches away from making contact with his skin.

OH ABSOLUTELY NOT

You charged in with Casey behind you beating up person after person.

You got one of the men in lab coats to release Raphs mechanical restraints and smacked him upside the head with your bat after.

You ran to Raph and tried to wake him up but he wasn't budging.

Signaling to Casey that you needed help you cleared a path while Casey brought him out.

You wouldn't leave Raphs side the entire drive back to the lair.

You had your cheek resting on his chest while you clutched his hand. Casey tried talking to you but gave up quickly after you never responded. He had let the other know what was going on and they were preparing for Raphs return. The drive home was silent and suffocating. It didn't change until you entered the lair and everyone crowded Raph. They took him to his room to rest, and being separated from him made you anxious.

You and Leo ended up staying with him until he woke up. No words were exchanged between the two of you. You hadn't spoken since you'd come back with Raph and Leo could sense you weren't in the mood for small talk. Frankly, neither was he. When Raph finally did wake up, you wanted to hug him and kiss him, you were so relieved. You wanted him all to yourself to just bask in him being alright. Leo had other plans. Leo immediately called the others in and after a while Donny shoed everyone out of the room to run some basic health tests.

He seemed to take his sweet time with it too. You anxiously paced outside his door. At first the others tried to console you but backed off after negative response to their attempts. The only thing that will bring you peace is being with Raph.

The second Donny had stepped out of Raphs room you made a b line for the entrance. Donny sopped you however. You were already stretched thin, and were not happy about being barred from your person AGAIN.

"He is fine. Luckily you got him before they could do anything. He's just a little delirious because of the anesthesia, but that should wear off in a few hours," he gave you a soft smile. Once he was done giving you a run down of Raphs condition he let you pass. You've never moved so fast in your life.

Finally there he was, laying in bed, eyes squinted at you. He didn't say anything as you approached, but he followed your movements with his eyes. You knelt by his side and he turned his head to looked at you. You put your hand on is head as your rubbed it gently with your thumb.

"I'm glad you're okay hun," your voice was soft.

"nuh-uh," he told you sternly.

"What you you mean? Are you hurt?" You began to feel more frantic the longer he left you with out an answer.

"......Only my s/o calls me hun," his words were slurred and quite.

"Oh," you giggled, "I am your s/o."

"Oh," was all he said as he reached out and held your other hand in his.

You leaned over at this and kissed his cheek.

"I won't let them have you," you whispered before sitting up again.

"huh?" He asked, still to delirious to understand exactly what's happening.

"Nothing, just rest. You need your strength,"

Donny:

You are restless.

The others are beat up. Not to badly but they need to rest before they searched for Donny.

You cannot kick the feeling that something is terribly wrong.

Your pacing and biting your nails.

Eventually Leo decides that they only way to calm you down was to get Donny back.

So with the protest of Mikey who's whining like a baby about how bad he's hurt, they load into the van.

When you insisted on coming with though, they were all sceptical.

It was bad for you that Donny is missing but it would be bad for Donny if you went missing.

You were insistent though and even went as far as to threaten Leo to let you on.

Realistically, he knew you couldn't take him in a fight, but seeing you like that scared him.

He wasn't intimidated, he was worried for you.

You apologized later about the whole thing and he told you he understood. He just hopes he never has to see you like that again. For your sake.

Back to the present though, when you find the place he's held, it becomes a stealth mission.

When you all find Donny, he is in, what looks to be, a giant glass container.

He has a bandage wrapped around his left arm from his wrist all the way up to his shoulder.

He tells you they cut him open.

Looking for what exactly? He doesn't know but he's assuming they drew some blood while they were at it.

You didn't like that answer at all.

After a large display of smashing machinery to set him free and beating up the people that flooded the room after the alarms went off, you all finally got to rest back at the lair.

You were stuck to Donnie like glue the whole ride back. Constantly checking him over, asking him if he was okay. He told you again and again, ever patient and willing to reassure you he was okay. In the same soft voice he'd tell exactly what happened and how he felt. He wasn't exactly happy about it but he wasn't all that hurt and they patched his arm up good, so it's not like he was worried. You refused to leave him alone though.

When you got back to the lake you lead him to the kitchen to grab something quick and portable to eat and took him right to bed. Much to his dismay unfortunately.

"Y/n, I swear I'm fine! Please I need to get some work done," he wined, trying to head on the direction of his lab.

"Donnie," you stated curtly, "You were kidnapped and dissected. Granted, not gruesomely so, but you still took bodily trauma. You work all the time. Right now you need your rest to heal."

"I won't take long, I just want to get to a better point with my project," he tried reasoning with you.

"DonniesohelpmegotoyourroomandrestbeforeImakeyou," you demanded with a twitch in your eye.

He was a little surprised by your response but he could tell by your tone there was no getting out of it. So with a sigh he entered his room and you followed. He laid down on the bed and as he pulled up his blankets you kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry for worrying you," he said.

"No need to apologize, it's not your fault," you smiled softly at him, "Besides, it's not like I'll ever let them have you. Not while I breath."

And with that you finally felt comfortable leaving him to his own devices. When you left he sat in bed and contemplated what you said. It was so intense. You've never spoken to him with such firm conviction about something before. Just what were you trying to to say? The more he dug into the meaning of your words the more concerned he grew. Deciding it was just fatigue, he settled for ignoring his thoughts in favor of some good sleep.

Mikey:

Mikey was your angle and the light of your life.

When he didn't come back from patrol with the rest of his brothers you were very concerned.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY TOOK HIM, WHO'S THEY?'

Yeah... Not thrilled.

Were the guys all beaten up? Yes. but did that stop you? No.

Your not just gonna let your man get hurt.

Especially by some stranger who has no right to take him from you.

You left the lair without giving any indication that you were off to find Mikey.

April caught on though.

She though it was suspicious that you left as calm as you did.

She knew she couldn't stop you, so instead she offered to help.

With April's techno knowledge you were able to narrow it down to a few choice locations in New York.

It didn't take long to find Mikey and you were not happy with where he was.

When he saw you he called your name and smiled.

This almost softened your demeanor, if it weren't for the guy who strapped him there threatening him with a scalpel.

You immediately attacked him and forced him to free Mikey letting April deal with any reinforcements that were called in.

When you all left you were so relieved that Mikey was safe and sound.

He patched you up in the car in the way back to the lair.

"I really don't need this, you were the one strapped to the table-" Mikey cut you off.

"But wasn't the one that got hurt! Your bleeding in like... multiple places. I don't even have a scratch," he told you for the hundredth time since the car ride back.

"Which I would like to thank you for by the way. I wouldn't be in such ✨ pristine ✨ condition if it weren't for your quick rescue!" He smiled at you, still as energetic as ever.

"Glad to hear you're okay Mikey," April chimed in.

"Awwww, thanks April!"

He was such a a liar though. You knew he got hurt, you saw the state of his brothers. Not to mention you could see the fresh scabs and bruises littering his skin. He was no better off then they were!

"Aaaaaanddddd DONE!" He announced proud of his handy work in patching you up.

It would definitely have to be redone by the time you got back to the lair but it would do for now. Not that you cared though, you immediately took Mikey by the shoulders and switched your positions. Now he was sitting and you were the one sitting through the first aid kit.

he didn't protest as you began applying bandages and rubbing alcohol. By the time you were back at the lair Mikey was sufficiently bandaged and primed for rest.

He fussed and wined the whole way to his room how he didn't want to sleep and how the best thing to heal him would be videogames or a good horror flick. With the help of Raph you were able to drag him to his room. There, you were able to butter him up enough to get him into bed. You put your hand on his bald head as you rubbed it with your thumb in a comforting manner.

"Rest for me okay my love?" You asked him.

"Only if I get a good night kiss!" He giggled.

You huffed out an amused laugh as you leaned down and pecked his forehead. Mikey wiggled his legs when you did, large smile present in his face.

"Rest well," you soothed.

And with that you moved to leave his room. Before you did however, you stopped at his doorframe and looked at him one last time, snuggled in his bed.

"I won't let them have you," you told yourself under your breath. Then you left.

Mikey could have sworn he heard you say something.

[thehuntfortrencherlostmedia]

The Origins, Ramsay Fiction & The Confusing Mishmash of Everything Before Fix Me - A Marianas Trench Retrospective

Okay, so my post got likes, but I only got one actual response from anyone, agreeing with me on the fact they like things in chronological order. So, I guess it's time to talk about the bands early days, eh?

The truth of the matter is, the band as many know them started in late 2003 and early 2004. Anything before that gets placed in this weird murky middle section with a name change, members leaving, and also a complete and utter mess of when Ramsay Fiction came to an end and where Marianas Trench begins. We have located a demo disk from 2001 with the Marianas name on it, but we also don't have any dates as to when certain things were recorded or uploaded onto MP3.com.

Here's what we do know: Josh Ramsay, a teenager dealing with both an addiction to heroin and an eating disorder, loved music from a young age. His father owned a recording studio, and his mother was a vocal coach. Music was literally in his blood, but even though the two had connections into the industry and everything, he set out to make it into the business on his own. And he knew one thing for certain: He DID NOT want to be a solo act, he wanted to be in a band.

The issue for Josh was getting that band together. At first, it was him and his sister Sara (backup vocals), her then boyfriend and later husband Trevor Spilchen (on bass, even though he was a guitar player), Josh's friend Steve Marshall (on guitar and backup vocals, despite being a BASSIST), and a rotating list of drummers, eventually finding Ian Casselman in a series of classifieds in a newspaper late into the bands life. This lineup didn't last long, as once Sara became pregnant with her and Trevor's first kid, they stepped aside... leading to 2 new members joining: Josh's friend Matt Webb (originally a keyboardist), and Steve's pal Morgan Hempstead (the man who bestowed them the Marianas Trench name). It's tough to say who plays what on a lot of the Ramsay Fiction tracks that make up Cooler Than Me, as I think they come from two different recording sessions, if not more. Same goes for a lot of the self-titled EP work too, as we know at least two tracks from that era, an early recording of Fix Me, and a early recording of Skin & Bones, were both first made public to people in 2004... months after Steve and Morgan left, and Mike Ayley joined the group after getting to know everyone as Ian's roommate.

In fact, for the longest time, a lot of the Ramsay Fiction stuff was lost media, songs that nobody outside of a rare few had ever heard. As of April 1st this year, this is no longer the case, and all the songs have been found and preserved (yes, even PMS... despite it being taken off Youtube, has been saved.)

To talk about these songs is hard. There's definitely a lot of emotion and pain in these tracks, and the overall sound is very 90's, going for more of heavy grunge and alternate rock sound, very reminiscent of Matthew Goode. But you can also hear those other elements creep in from other acts Josh has referenced time and time throughout in small snippets. The biggest thing holding a lot of these songs back is a mix of production (which is still insanely impressive for the time period and the fact it was done by a teen no less), and lyrical ckunkiness, making them semi hard to decipher.

What do I mean by this? Take track 1, the one everyone knows: Primetime. The song's verses speak about how something is this, but the person is the opposite... bu we don't get a clear picture of who the person is.. only that supposedly a hit of heroin will make everything feel better. It's odd that this is the song that's somehow lasted the test of time out of all these tracks. But hey, it did lead to a great callback on End of An Era.

Track 2, Shiny Like Dirt (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG-OoIsFbow), is truly a song where Josh took a ton of ideas he had for songs, and threw it against the wall to see if it would stick. And... it does stick, but also doesn't? The chorus is super catchy, basically admitting he's a confusing person, and that nothing he does makes sense... and yet, despite it all, he still has fears of the unknown. The "coming up for air" bridge is probably my favourite part, but it's definitely an earworm I return to occasionally. I've also linked it in case you've yet to hear it.

Track 3: Shallow. The song we've known about for the longest time, the one the fandom cherished like a baby... and honestly, it's probably my least favourite? I've tried to decipher the lyrics on this one for ages, but I can't come up with anything concrete. I do think the song has a good tone, and the guitar solo is totally awesome. In fact, there's a lot of great guitar and bass work throughout a lot of these songs. But there's something missing for me on this one.

Track 4: Playing Dead. This seems to be the earliest recorded song of this bunch, going off Josh's voice here. And honestly, I think it's the closest tonally to a current day Marianas Trench song. There's a bit of a swing sound going on in the drums, the harmonies.... and it's an interesting number overall. Also, it's our clearest sampling of Steve's voice, and just how close it is to Matt's vocals xD... it seems to be a simple love song about a girl and how he's open to roleplaying almost anything with her, using "playing dead" as his main metaphor. It's the black sheep of the CD, but a good one.

Track 5: Hideous. Here we go... the first track Josh ever wrote about his bulimia and depression... and how it was eating him from the inside... and how he was asking for help, even though he wasn't fully ready to accept it at the time. The beginning parts are very slow, and methodical.... only for the song to pick up energy in it's second half and become truly one of the standouts on this album.

Track 6: PMS. Okay... so... this one is tough to talk about. We knew for years it was supposedly very comedic in nature and that it was also politically incorrect, but that was it. For those of you who still have not heard it, there's a copy of it in this Discord server in the links and archive section: https://discord.gg/d5M3xVN9

As for the song itself, I personally really love it. It's a song about Josh being petty to a girl and truthfully telling her off. It's definitely of its time period, but in the best way possible. And once again, the guitar work here is SO GOOD. If you can stomach a song that truly is a time capsule and understand that Josh would never write anything as juvenile today, give it a listen.

Track 7: Don't Touch Me. The song that holds a special place in my heart... as I was the one to LOCATE IT after 18 years in the massive pile of MP3.com links that were given to the Internet Archive in 2021. And it's a ballad all about Josh dealing with both the arguments and turmoil he would feel when coming down from getting high. Truthfully, this might be the most emotional song of this batch, and one that definitely sticks its landing.

So, my overall thoughts here are to give these songs a listen, and understand them for what they are: the start of a musical prodigy finding his footing and his sense of style while getting clean and hoping somebody, anybody, would give him a chance. While the tone might not have influenced Josh’s style fully going forward, there are elements from these songs that were taken and repurposed into later Trench tracks.

Luckily, and also sadly... Jonathan Simkin & Chad Kroeger gave him that chance. And thus, we got ourselves a self titled EP... and a full title debut. But that'll be next time.

[lemondemonpickuplines]

Hey girl are you Hyakugojyuuichi 2003? 'Cause Hey you, sit down and listen

Don't be flippant and don't be dismissin'

Think you're a Flash encyclopedia?

Eating, breathing Macromedia?

Think you're cool sayin' "All Your Base"?

Get that Xiao Xiao outta my face

You gotta be kidding me with that crap

Animutation's where it's at

Nine outta ten sociopaths agree

You gotta see Hyakugojyuuichi

From the Moch to the Rie to the Pee to the Wee

Just take it from me, MC NC

You won't believe your eyes, you'll go insane

I mean, what's up with that plastic plane?

You're an idiot if you disagree

You gotta see Hyakugojyuuichi

If you got the time, go grab a pen

And watch that thing again and again

Try to figure it out, what does it mean?

What's the significance of Mr. Bean?

Does anybody know? Are there any takers?

What's up with all the broken pacemakers?

The world is full of speculation

But nobody cracks this Animutation

Nine outta ten sociopaths agree

You gotta see Hyakugojyuuichi

You're an idiot if you disagree

Just take it from MC (Ah!) NC

You won't believe your eyes, you'll go insane (Aaah!)

I mean, what's up with that plastic plane? (Aaah!)

From the Moch to the Rie to the Pee to the Wee (Aaah!)

You gotta see Hyakugojyuuichi (Aaah!)

(1... 2... 3... Hit it!)

Wakeman is biased, like a household appliance

Hello Kitty and McGruff have an unholy alliance

Science is brutal and it cuts like a knife

Not even Obi-Wan can save the yodel of life

Your name is Bob, you're my heart-throb

I lost my job when I got fired

By a guy named Farchie, he was full of starch

He smelled like an orangutan's old apartment

Found a hobo in my room, what do I do?

He looks dead, he's full of lead

Bleeding red onto my bedspread

And he also seems to be missing his head

Why am I holding this gun and axe?

Do exploding pacemakers cause heart attacks?

Will Mr. Bean ever get his fill

Or will he just keep on telling me to kill?

Hey, don't you gimme that look!

You never had what it took

I took the beef and I beefed it up

You sat and whined while I took the cup

Of gold. You are getting old

When you see my face you better fold

Take this mop and shove it, boy

'Cause it's the only way you'll be employed

I am known as the Beef Bastard

(Everyone knows I'm the ultimate master)

I am known as the Beef Bastard

(Everyone else is a walking disaster)

I am known as the Beef Bastard

(Think you're fast? Well I know I'm faster!) (Ye-ye-ye-ye)

I am known as the Beef Bastard

(Everyone knows I'm the ultimate master) (Ye-ye-ye-ye)

Ma-ma-ma [*laughing*]

Ma-ma

Beef Bastard!

Weeeell I'm Shmorky! Eatin' PORKY!

Whitey rap sure sounds dorky!

Got a girl... she's a DOUBLE D!

I slap her on the butt dressed as a bumble bee!

I eat paste all damn day

I was in a Shakespeare play

I sit down on a Lazy Susan

Spin around like TOMMY CRUISIN!

Bong bong bing bing

I get payed to play with my thing!

I zip out zip in zip up BEGIN!

ROOM WITH A MOOSE! Jay Leno's CHIN!

Ambulance, Enron, Pee Wee, Pokémon

Bulbasaur, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, THEY CHOOSE YOU!

And I can't think of anymore to say

TV says doughnuts are high in fat, kazoo (キミたちとの　であいはぜんぶ)

Found a hobo in my room (ちゃんと　おぼえてる)

It's Princess Leia, the yodel of life (きずつけあった　こともあったけど)

Give me my sweater back or I'll play the guitar! (それは（え～と）わすれた)

It's Steve's Adventure!

(Go, go, go, go)

(Go, go, go, go)

(Go, go, go, go)

(Go, go, go, go)

One-fifty-one Pokémon on the run

Suzuki-san is a formation of a bun

And a veggie burger with tsukemono

Jay-Jay has flown away with Sonny Bono

To the afterlife to visit Barney Fife

And to see Pero's screenshots of his wife

Named Chris Benoit, wearing a pretty dress

Saying "Watashi wa animutation ga suki desu."

Do the Mario! Isty-bitsy hockey

Lipsnot is not magic like a monkey

Captain Lou body-slams a rubber duckie

Just like in the match of Earth vs. Funky

Lucky Lucky nice to Mew-two

I need tea for two, how about you

Mr. Coldheart, or should I say Professor?

It looks like Lesko got revenge on my dresser

Props to Neil, he's the real deal

His friends all call him Mr. Popiel

He's the computer geek who doesn't shower for a week

His looks are hot, his clothes are CHIC!

He singlehandedly changed the face of the net

He's an online semi-celebrity you won't forget

He stormed onto the scene like a raging thunder

His seizure inducing flag says "Mr. Gahbunga."

Hey kids! Komiyona?

Omiyo mokemon halibudo

Halimatashinta, Pokinumushimi da

Watago get ready to rumble! (1... 2... 3... Hit it!)

Bamba-jidda-babla-biga

Hedimana-gina-hamana-gita

Hana-buto-halo-gini (Ye-ye-ye-ye-ma-ma)

Ala-pone-koala-bedi (Ye-ye-ye-ye-ma-ma)

Anamu-dada, ona-dote

Omanama-zenba-bolo-ho

Puyawa-dirbu-kowa-fuji (Ye-ye-ye-ye-ma-ma)

Waruma-ina-hada-bidi! (Ye-ye-ye-ye-ma-ma)

Teyo-mata, elino-wen

Hadawata-buto-bito-bed

Amatawa-jupto-hubba-pati

Fola-coola Colin Mochrie!

TV says doughnuts are high in fat, kazoo (キミたちとの　であいはぜんぶ)

Found a hobo in my room (ちゃんと　おぼえてる)

It's Princess Leia, the yodel of life (きずつけあった　こともあったけど)

Give me my sweater back or I'll play the guitar! (それは（え～と）わすれた)

There you have it, that's the game

One-fifty-one, we can all be the same

I'm sure that it's been appetizing

With all the subliminal advertising

This has been a celebration, Animutation fans across the nation

In formation raise their hands in dedication

To the crazy-flashing-psychopathic-happy-dancing-super-magic-

Power-mega-ultra-kitschy (Hyakugojyuuichi)

Nine outta ten sociopaths agree

You gotta see Hyakugojyuuichi

From the Moch to the Rie to the Pee to the Wee

Just take it from me, MC NC

You won't believe your eyes, you'll go insane

I mean, what's up with that plastic plane?

You're an idiot if you disagree

You gotta see Hyakugojyuuichi

.

[tmntkiseki]

So this is one thought that has rotated in my brain ever since I watched through the entire 2003 series for the first time, but as much as I love Donatello and consider him my favorite turtle, there is one not-so-tiny thing that bugs me and that's the fact that he does probably go through the least character development of the four turtles despite going through some genuinely terrible shit.

When I think of some of the stuff Donatello goes through during the series, the stuff that makes me think "Good lord, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MY BOY," the three incidents that stick out the most are the Triceraton Mind Probe from the Space Invaders arc, the entirety of Same As It Never Was, and the Outbreak Saga/Good Genes Arc. The Triceraton Mind Probe scene is one that is physically painful to watch. Don is writhing and screaming the whole time as the probe rapidly picks through his memories trying to find information on Professor Honeycutt's whereabouts, and it's clear that at one point he becomes so scared that he begs for help from his father. Fortunately, his spiritual connection with Splinter allows him overpower the device and short circuit it, but if he hadn't had such a strong bond with him, who knows what would have happened.

Same As It Never Was... what needs to be said at this point? Donatello gets transported to a bad future where the Shredder rules the world, Splinter and Casey are dead, and the turtles have disbanded after their version of Don disappeared 30 years prior. Donatello watches all three of his brothers die protecting him, and at the end of the episode laments the fate of his poor brothers and just how nightmarish the world is before he's warped away. And that's just the tl;dr version.

Good Genes arc, though, oh my god. I feel a major reason why this arc is so good is because it plays on an idea presented on Same As It Never Was--that is, Donatello, with his level head and ability to come up with ingenious solutions to problems the turtles encounter, is what's keeping the team together. As a result of the Outbreak virus, Donatello undergoes a secondary mutation that turns him into a violent, aggressive monster and it's stated because of reactions with the Utrom mutagen already in his blood, his body is breaking down; if he's not cured, he will die. The knowledge that Donatello may perish if nothing is done is bad enough, but even just not having their brother there mentally is enough to mess up the entire team dynamic. In their desperation to save him, they go so far as to make a deal with Bishop, who Leonardo openly compares to the Devil himself, and their actions ultimately lead to the events of the Ninja Tribunal arc the following season. It was the single most dire situation the turtles were in since Exodus, and it wasn't even an entire galaxy at stake; just their beloved brother.

But despite all that, Donatello doesn't actually change much as a result of these events. That's because, more often than not, the stuff that happens to him is more used to fuel his brothers emotional reactions and development than his own. Good Genes is probably the best example of this because even though Donatello is the one physically suffering during the arc, it's Leonardo, Raphael, and Michelangelo who get all the interesting emotional reactions to their present situation; Leonardo finds himself almost completely lost on what to do without Don, and Raphael and Michelangelo, who are absolutely devastated over Don's transformation, spend much of the arc eerily quiet when compared to their usual selves. The only thing we get in terms of Don is the fact that he doesn't remember what happened while he was "sick," and is thus frustrated by how much his brothers end up coddling him in the wake of the incident (which unfortunately isn't all that important since we're about to enter the Ninja Tribunal arc.)

It really is unfortunate that Donatello doesn't go through much development because I otherwise love everything about him. Besides his intelligence, techno savvy, and ability to quickly pick up skills that might be useful to the team (I'm also very biased towards his Bō not due to its strength as a weapon, but it's amount of utility both in and outside combat), I'm absolutely floored by just how nice and gentle he is. He's still got plenty of sass hidden in his shell and can be quite snippy when he's annoyed, but he shows a lot of emotional sensitivity and is very empathetic; this is especially shown in his sibling dynamics with Raphael and Michelangelo, whose relationships tend to be the most...tumultuous? Of the turtles. I don't have a better word for it.

As an aside, I genuinely feel like The King doesn't get enough credit where it's due because yeah, it's a touching tribute to the late Jack Kirby, but it's important as a Donatello-focused episode because it's not focused on his status as the genius inventor of the turtles; instead, we look at his nature as a kind, friendly individual who is very sentimental and doesn't take loss very well. He quickly strikes up a friendship with Kirby, who is one of the few humans not to reject Donatello just because he's a 5'2" mutant turtle, and they end up having a fun adventure in the alternate dimension where all of Kirby's drawings end up disappearing to. Unfortunately, Donatello is unable to pull Kirby back through the portal in time as it's closing; the alternate ending, which is closer to original Mirage issue the episode is based on, really hammered in just how deeply this affected Don, since he absolutely refuses to talk to Raphael and walks off to be by himself, gazing solemnly at the drawing Kirby was able to send through the portal. "Life at best is bittersweet. Take care of yourself."

God damn it, my poor son.

[tgmsunmontue]

You need to learn how to fall 6/10

Hangster (and IceMav) - Bradley is too tall to be a naval aviator and instead becomes a sky diver, specialising in spin recovery. He is a civilian contractor to the military to teach pilots how to survive parachute spins from ejections. A more in-depth version of this post.

PROLOGUE 2003-2006 2007-2010 2011-2015 2016+

>>Bradley

>>Jake

~30 months Later…

                “Dr Bradshaw!”

                “Ah. Lieutenant Seresin.”

                “You remember me.”

                “You name and rank are on your uniform.”

                “Think you still remember me.”

                “You’re very sure of that.”

                “I like to be memorable.”

                “Hmm. I’m sure you do. Can I help you?”

                “Just wanted to see if you’d be interested in that drink.”

                “We’re in Corpus Christi. This isn’t my home. I believe I told you to look me up if you were ever in North Island.”

                “So you do remember me. And this is my home base, so halfway there right?”

                Bradley sighs, it feels like a bad idea for so many different reasons, but he could do one drink. It’s not like he has any other plans for the evening before returning to the base accommodations he’s been put up in for this training stint and even if it does end up a one-night stand he’s kind of horny enough that he’d go for it right now. He hasn’t had sex in a few months, which isn’t actually a problem, he’s not

                “Sure, okay. We can go for a drink. As long as it’s not on base.”

                “Deal.”

                One drink turns into dinner, turns into another drink and then coffee. They end up talking for a couple of hours, before they realize it’s after ten and they both have early starts. He hadn’t expected to enjoy Jake’s company quite this much, his sense of humor biting, but intelligent conversation, engaged and invested conversationalist. He’s pleasantly surprised. Jake, and he is Jake now, walks him to his car, parked in the far end of the lot under the shade of a tree in the hopes it’ll keep in cooler in the Texas heat.

                “Thanks for agreeing to have that drink with me…”

                Bradley pulls a slightly depreciating face, knows he’s maybe acted a little like a jerk.

                “Thanks for inviting me. Again. I enjoyed myself.”

                The kiss is soft, dry and gentle, nothing more than a brush of lips and he’s too stunned to do anything more about it, to chase his lips for a deeper taste. Instead Jake tips an imaginary hat at him and walks away and he wonders what the hell just happened. That’s not the way he thought their evening would end.

…             …             …

                The next day his phone vibrates with a new message and it’s not from a number he recognizes.

>>When I’m in North Island I’m looking you up.

                Huh.

                He’s not sure if that’s a threat or a promise.

                He carefully saves Jake’s contact details in his phone.

…             …             …

                Despite their conversation over dinner he hadn’t really put two and two together and realized that Jake was in Corpus Christi to also be an instructor. He should have thought about it, realized when Jake was talking about instructing he was referring to right then and now. Their paths cross on multiple occasions but Jake doesn’t ask him out again. He’s nothing but professional, courteous and friendly. His eyes and lips seem flirty, but Bradley’s pretty sure he’s projecting now, completely imagining it. Neither of them mention the message, and he finds himself staring at it simply to remind himself that he didn’t imagine receiving it.

                Maybe he thought Bradley was interesting or attractive, but since their dinner, since they’re working together, there’s nothing actually there. Despite the text message he’d received, which he’d carefully saved into his contacts, Jake hasn’t asked Bradley out again, and he’s not sure whether he’s disappointed or relieved. He’s only there for two weeks, the training short and intensive, he’ll be back in nine months to cover other things, reiterate what he’s already covered (and in five months for a new intake of students). By then they will have had more experience, better understanding of what he’s trying to teach them. He does the rounds of goodbyes before heading for the airstrip and the plane he’s catching back to North Island.

                “It’s been nice working with you. Thank you for making your expertise available,” Jake says, shaking his hand and Bradley nods and smiles, the formality of Jake’s tone not matching the intensity of his gaze. It’s a sharp contrast to the more antagonistic man he met a couple of years ago, contrasting further with the charming and flirty guy he ended up having dinner with and he wonders which one is truly Jake Seresin.

…             …             …

                Days later, working on a research paper and he feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin. He really needs to fucking jump out a plane, confused and frustrated for no reason he can pin down and he wants the clarity that falling through the air gives him. He redoes all his pack jobs. Unrolls and checks, realizes he’s maybe a little distracted and asks Mav to check them for him as well, before he does it again, his mind finally settling into the familiar rhythm. He convinces Ice to take him up for a jump, specifically a hop and pop, wants to spend as much time floating down as possible, Mav on pick up within the drop zone.

                It’s a textbook landing, he times the flares out perfectly, the velocity of approach slowing and he still prepares for impact but there’s almost none, jumping down a step would have been worse and he almost bounces up simply with the amount he’s bent his legs. He pulls in the toggles, tugging on the lines to stop them from gusting and begins pulling it all in.

                “Nice, you look almost blasé about the whole thing.”

                “Yeah, it was nice and smooth.”

                “You look like you belong up there… something one of your instructors said to us once, about you being a natural. You do look like you born to it.”

                “It’s my safe space, which I know seems weird to you, but it’s just….”

                “Everything comes into pinpoint focus and you can’t imagine being anywhere else,” Mav provides and Bradley catches his eye and nods.

                “Yeah. Also it’s where I feel the most alive. Nothing else matters.”

                “Hmm…” Mav agrees, and he slaps Bradley on the shoulder, helps him unclip and roll. “You know that’s how I feel about flying. Seeing you just… step back onto earth, reminded me of how I feel about when I step out of a plane.”

                “Like you immediately want to get back up there?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Well, I have you to thank, you know. I know this probably isn’t what you imagined for me. I know you always wanted to keep me safe. But when I decided on this, I thought I’d have to fight you on it, that I’d have to fight both of you. Instead you both just… supported me. I know that can’t have always been easy.”

                “Loving you, supporting you? Easiest thing we’ve ever done in our lives. Trust me. Stopping ourselves from protecting you, wrapping you in bubble wrap and stopping you from making mistakes… that’s been the hardest, especially when it was in direct conflict with the first. You’re happy. Do you know how happy that makes me?”

                “Really happy?” Bradley jokes, although he knows it’s going to miss the mark, the expression on Mav’s face far too serious. Apparently they’re having this heart-to-heart, out here in the middle of tussocky almost desert.

                “I mean, it does but also… I could die tomorrow and would feel content that I had done the best job I could. That we could. We knew we would never replace your dad, never wanted to. But we’ve always wanted to be there for you.”

                He doesn’t say anything, just grabs for him and hugs tight. Mav doesn’t mention his dad very often, and Bradley’s pretty sure there’s shit there he’s likely never dealt with, is aware that Mav has nightmares but has never asked about them and realizes in that moment that he might in fact have nightmares about Bradley himself. Fuck. He hugs him tight again.

                “You’ve done a great job Mav, you and Ice have both done a great job.”

                “Well, you know Ice. He can’t be anything but excellent at everything he does.”

                Bradley laughs, and the moment eases from the somberness back to their usual banter but he gives Ice an extra tight hug when they pick him up from the hangar and he just laughs at the quirked eyebrow he gets in response.

…             …             …

>>You have any idea how hard it was to keep my hands to myself?

                Bradley stares down at the message. It’s from the contact number he has marked for Jake Seresin but there’s just the other message he never responded to and now this. He’s on the other side of the country, hell, he went on a fucking date two nights ago… and now he’s staring at his phone and wondering what the fuck is going on. First off he needs to make sure this is actually Jake.

>>Jake?

>>Yep. Thought I better show you that I can be professional before I started talking about how I love watching you walk. Your legs are fucking gorgeous, want to get my hands all over them.

                He swallows, skin feeling tight and hot from a single fucking message and okay, he hadn’t been reading things wrong, Jake clearly just felt like he needed to prove something. He

>>I’d let you.

>>Got to get myself to North Island first. I want to date you.

                Oh. He hadn’t been expecting that. Hadn’t expected Jake Seresin to challenge him, to be this persistent, to still want… well, him. It’s been nearly three years since he met him at Top Gun, about two weeks since he saw him in Corpus Christi… He’d sort of thought Jake would pass him by, had been okay with that.

                Before.

                Hadn’t ever seriously thought he’d be in this position. This guy has either being playing a long game, or he’s definitely more interested in Bradley than Bradley ever though.

                So.

                Now?

                He doesn’t know. Doesn’t want to let him pass him by at the very least. Not without at least trying.

                The sound of laughter has him looking up, Mav giggling because he’s just provoked Ice enough into rapping him across the knuckles while cooking dinner. Fuck. He realizes then that for Jake his tiny little family could be a deal breaker. Ice the recently promoted COMPACFLT, Mav a captain, both of them pretty legendary and intimidating apparently. Never to him of course, but to someone else in the service… he doesn’t know. Jake could take one look at his family and just… turn around and walk away. Jake’s waited this long though, but it feels weird now, having Jake not know this part of his background when he already knows so much else.

                He wants to tell him, in person, so he can read his reaction. He’ll be seeing him in five months. If he’s serious about dating then they’re always going to have periods of time apart…

>>You have anything again long-distance dating?

>>Just the inability to touch. You letting up on the whole North Island thing?

>>Yeah. Think I am.

PART 7

[stonebutchery]

Lakey's Smash or Pass: Leigh Whannell Edition

Axel from The Matrix Reloaded (2003) dir. Lily and Lana Wachowski

Being a Matrix franchise character, I've loved Axel long before I ever started giving a shit about Leigh Whannell as an actor/screenwriter. I love Axel so much, I would do everything and anything to save him. If I were a character in this universe and a resident of Zion, I would try to get him to stay home and never embark on the Vigilant. Do not doubt my commitment. I need him alive, I need to be his lover. I care about him.

Verdict: SMASH

David from Saw (2003) dir. James Wan

There is absolutely nothing and no one that could keep me from pouring all of my energy and time and love and care into helping David defend himself legally after the events of the Saw proof-of-concept short film. I actually explained everything I would do if I were his defense attorney in this post. I don't really want to be his lawyer, though. I want to be his boyfriend. I want to be the one that posts his bail if possible... and, if not possible, I would come to visit him as often as I was legally and physically able to just to give him someone to talk to. I want to show up for his trial dates as moral support. I want to let him move in with me when he's finally acquitted and needs someone to lean on. I want to hold David. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him, kiss him softly. On the cheeks and neck and lips. I want to fuck this man. I will reset him, re-calibrate him, via prostate orgasm. I want to shatter his world and put it back together... who said that...

Verdict: SMASH

Adam from Saw (2004) dir. James Wan

I care very deeply about Adam. I would take care of this dude. I honestly just want to support him. I'm very aware of the fact that I have a service-oriented loyalty complex like some kind of human PTSD dog and I embrace that fact about myself. I love Adam like a really close roommate or a best friend or maybe an ex-boyfriend I'm on really good terms with and I still care a lot about platonically. I want to let Adam freeload. I want to let him move in with me and not pay rent because he needs the support and he's too depressed to care for himself lately. I want to wash his hair. I want to do his laundry with mine, I want to cook and share meals with him, I want to gently pressure him into calling his mom back because I want to see his situation and mood improve. I'd volunteer to go with him to appointments of any kind to be his advocate in any medical, business, social services or whatever setting. I'd know I'm not responsible for him but I'd want him to know he could lean on me when he needs it. But I don't really want to smash. It wouldn't be a non-option, but I'd much rather talk to him about politics and art over some dinner in our shared apartment.

Verdict: PASS

Spink from Death Sentence (2007) dir. James Wan

Anyone who actually, genuinely knows me knows that Michael Scofield from Prison Break was one of my first guycrushes... Not the actual first, but certainly one of them. Spink is the same kind of twink as Michael Scofield. Looks aside, he thinks he's tough and hard while compensating for shortcomings and vulnerabilities. I find that insanely attractive. I want to be the one who gets him off speed, I want to be the one who talks him into leaving the gang and fleeing to Canada or Alaska with me without police intervention so that he doesn't have to make deals he's uncomfortable with that will end up costing him his freedom and an actual chance at a fresh start. Where was I going with this? Doesn't matter. I'm smashing that twink.

Verdict: SMASH

Matt from Dying Breed (2008) dir. Jody Dwyer

I can't, in good conscience, say that I would smash Matt, at least not on his own. Conditional smash. I'd want to be Matt and Nina's third. I don't want to get in the way of what they have. I think they're both so adorable. And, yes, I think they're both attractive and sweet. They clearly care a lot about each other and respect each other and show each other affection in a boundary-sensitive way. Because I live in denial, I also live in a fantasy world of my own interiority's creation in which Nina and Matt escaped their captors and managed to survive and they make it back to Ireland and I would absolutely be ready and willing to be their support person. I want to be their third, also in a roommate-like way, or maybe as a domestic partner? But I absolutely care about them and I'd do anything for them. The old "it's rotten work / not to me, not if it's you" and all that. Trauma-informed bisexual polyamory. Love wins.

Verdict: SMASH

Specs from Insidious (2010) dir. James Wan, Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013) dir. James Wan, Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015) dir. Leigh Whannell, Insidious: The Last Key (2018) dir. Adam Robitel, and Insidious: The Red Door (2023) dir. Patrick Wilson

Jesus Christ, I am so fucking crazy about Steven "Specs" Fisher. I lose all composure when I see him. His dorkyass endearing nerd aura drives me insane with lust. I have never needed anything as badly as I need to flirt with him and make him feel special. Not to be NSFW but I will also note that I am a trans Specs truther and want it to be known that I can, would, and will eat this man out. I will handjob finger this man to several orgasms. As a stone butch service top, I'm a giver only so he doesn't have to worry about reciprocating, anyway, if that's a going concern. Sorry for how crude I sound, I just want to make this man cum.

Verdict: SMASH

Donovan from The Debt Collector (2012) dir. Rich Ceraulo Ko

Goddamn. I need to spot him from across the room at a dive bar punk show, make my way over there, tell him he has beautiful hands, pretty eyes, and a cute face, offer to buy him a drink, ask him if he wants to come back to my place, and hook up with him.

Verdict: SMASH

David from Crush (2013) dir. Malik Bader

Truth be told, I've never seen Crush. He looks like a nice enough guy. I wouldn't not smash... but he's definitely not at the top of my list.

Verdict: SMASH

Clement from The Pardon (2013) dir. Tom Anton

Given the fact that Clement Moss was, in fact, a real man who actually existed and really did try and fail to defend an innocent woman from being sent to her death by electric chair in the 1940s, I must respectfully pass.

Verdict: PASS

Doug from Cooties (2014) dir. Cary Murnion and Jonathan Milott

Come with me on a little journey of imagination, will you? Imagine, with me, a desolate world where a rapidly-spreading virus has taken possession of a significant percentage of children across the country, the catastrophe quickly spreading to the rest of the world. Trust me, human encampments are popping up to defend against the zombie scourge. Think of one of the many enclaves of surface-dwellers in Fallout. Think of a camp like that where survivors have situated themselves advantageously, they function communally, and welcome clean, virus-free outsiders regardless of whether they can pitch in to help or not. I like to imagine I'd be keeping myself safe in a fort or a settlement like that, and I like to imagine that Doug and the band of teachers traveling together would be taken in by such a place, sanctuary rule style. Doug? Doug is a hard pass for me, sexually and romantically, but he seems like he could really use someone to talk at. So imagine, one last time, a group of adults prepping nightly communal dinner from non-perishable foods (we are 100% making some meatless chili with canned beans, corn, and other veggies and seasoning it well so that everyone has some comfort food before bed)... and, while I'm working the gas stove, keeping a big ol' batch of the vegetarian chili hot to serve, I let Doug take my chair and sit down and ramble and infodump away while I dish out servings to our comrades. Doesn't that sound nice? And, yes, believe me, I'll be trying to reform some of his wayward misconceptions about everything. I can't outright discard him. It may have been for comic relief but we're TBI buddies, so I empathize. He seems like a well-meaning dude with some issues that can be smoothed out, autism-to-autism communication style. So, respectfully, I pass.

Verdict: PASS

Gavin from The Mule (2014) dir. Tony Mahony and Angus Sampson

Good fucking grief. Gavin Alastair Ellis. Gavin would absolutely hate me for it but I would not be afraid to scrap, punch, bite, and claw Ray in order to lay claim over Gavin… and, listen, we can make the polyamory thing work but only as a throuple composed of two people who hate each other but who both love the person who serves as the keystone member of the relationship. That's the only way this is going to work. Ray's a sweet dude but he is not my type, not for this. Realistically, we'd probably be on very friendly terms because I do think Ray's alright… but I need Gavin in such a deeply carnal way so bad it makes me look stupid. Oh my God. This slut made me cry.

Verdict: SMASH

Larry from The Bye Bye Man (2017) dir. Stacy Title

You couldn't get me to feel anything for this man even if you forced me to at gunpoint.

Verdict: PASS

Matt from Keep Watching (2017) dir. Sean Carter

I need to fuck him sloppy... by the way, if you even care.

Verdict: SMASH

Jatt from Legend of the Guardians (2010) dir. Zack Snyder

This is literally an animated owl from a piece of children's media. DISQUALIFIED.

Verdict: HARD PASS

[suck4angststory]

Let It Go (Joel Miller x Fem!Reader)

Summary: Joel Miller thinks everything he has died on September 26, 2003. But when Marlene asks him to smuggle Ellie to the State House, it brings someone from his past. Pieces of his past that he thinks are already gone, the reason he has nightmares every night. When he looked at her for the first time in 20 years, she was different from someone he knew back then. She was not someone he used to know or, always memorized in his mind to keep him sane in this world.

Author Note: English is not my first Language, sorry for the grammar mistake. I hope you guys like it. If you want to be tagged, just let me know in the comments. I can't reply to any of your comments because it's a side blog. But I am really thankful for your comments and responses.

Prologue

No one told Joel Miller in his life as a smuggler, he had to smuggle some kid that is associated with something he despise so much.

FIREFLY

He hates them. They turned his own brother, making his brother live in danger, always getting on the line to get killed by FEDRA because of their way to get the "Freedom" they always shout every day just to get into gun war with FEDRA.

Their fantasy about making the world a better place managed to get inside his brother's head. As far as he knows, Tommy Miller, his brother will jump into action when it comes to humanity. Just like when he listed himself to the Army, but in the end, he has to fix the damage of the war that affects his brother. For Joel Miller, there's no worth in saving this world anymore. It's already broken, and it can't be saved. The human, the infected, the government, they are all the same. "Firefly is a bunch of delusional freaks" that is what he likes to call them.

But, as he thought, luck was never in his favor. The truck battery he's gonna use to find Tommy got stolen. When he and his partner try to find the battery, he gets a clue where the battery will gonna sold. Firefly of Boston. And, here he is, face to face. with Firefly leader, Marleen, he has to make a deal with her, because it is just her that has stock for cars and batteries.

Here he is now, having a deal with Marleen to smuggle some girl.

Since Tommy joined Firefly, they always have had arguments. Before that, they argued, but never often. When he joined Firefly, Joel and Tommy always argued. Tommy accuses Joel of being selfish and doesn't have a heart when Joel tries to stop Tommy join them. After that, he and his brother never got along.

For Tommy, this world can be saved, there's a way to save this world and the people in it. It is worth saving this World. But for Joel, saving this world is not worthy, is already broken, and it always gonna be. What's the point of saving it, if his world is already burned and broken because of this outbreak.

But Tommy is the only family he has left in this world.

If it was not for Tommy, he wouldn't take this job. But, he knows, Firefly stuff means repurposed of FEDRA stuff. So it's better than some shitty batteries they'll get outside. And he doesn't have any battery right now because of Robert, the scum that stole his battery.

He relieved that scum is dead.

***

Joel let out a sigh and plopped himself to lie down on the couch while this kid, Ellie, if he heard right what Marlene called her, rambling about radio and 80s songs. He has to babysit while Tess talks to Marlene about the deal.

"What're you doing?" Ellie asks him, seeing him close his eyes with one hand resting on his forehead and the other on his chest.

"Killin time," Joel mumbled with closed eyes.

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" She asked and looked at him, annoyed.

"I'm sure you'll figure that out." He gruffs out. Ellie rolled her eyes and shifted her eyes at the table beside her. Try to find something to 'killin' her time'. She took the Billboard hits songbook that Joel had taken from her before.

"Your watch is broken." Ellie walked past him to the couch in the corner beside the window. Joel ignores her because he knows his watch will never get fixed, the same as himself.

Joel starts drifting to sleep. To the nightmares, he knows he'll always gonna get. And when he woke up, he's gonna have this hollow feeling in his heart. Everyday.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

"You mumble in your sleep." Ellie's voice is the first thing Joel heard after the screaming sound in his head is gone when the fire started. He opened his eyes and saw Ellie staring out of the window. Her elbow rested on the window sill with her fist on her jaw supporting her head.

Joel gets up from his position. His back is aching sleeping on the couch. Being half of a century, meaning everything he does will affect his body immediately. Including sleeping on a hard couch.

"I've never been on the other side of the Wall. Look how dark it is. You guys go out there a lot?" Ellie shifted her gaze to him.

"I guess." He grumbles, trying to find the right position to sit comfortably.

"When was the last time?" She asked curiously.

"Maybe a year. What's it matter?" Joel is already feeling impatient. This kid asks a lot of questions., he mumbles in his mind. He doesn't like to talk about the past.

"But you know where to go. So we're gonna be okay." Joel is a bit taken aback by this. Because there's no okay outside of that wall. Hell, he doesn't even know if he's gonna okay every time they go out smuggling. Because something and someone is gonna be waiting for them, ready to change their fate immediately if they ever cross paths.

"Yeah." But Joel answered it with what she wanted to hear.

Joel shifted in his seat and leaned to rest his back on the back of the couch. One arm spread open.

"So, what's the deal with you anyway? You some kinda bigwig's daughter or somethin'?" Joel asked Ellie, trying to know her better. Ellie, back to watch outside from the window. She saw how the sky became darker, and the moon and stars started to be blanketed by grey clouds.

"Something like that." Ellie shrugs. There's a long silence between them. Ellie then breaks the silence with something she has in her mind when Joel is asleep.

"Oh, the radio came on when you were sleeping." She said, still looking outside the window

"What? What was the song?" Joel leaned forward to hear better what she's gonna say. He was ready to jump into action.

"He kept saying', like, like, 'Wake me up before you go-go'? " Ellie tried to suppress the smirk on her face seeing Joel's concerned look.

"Shit." Joel let out a breath he was holding. Something happening with them. He and Tess have to get to them and check on them. Last time, they sent the code, when they almost got raided by the raiders, and Bill got shot and had to stay in bed for a week because he lost so much blood.

"Gotcha. The '80s mean trouble. Code broken." Ellie let out the smirk she was holding. Okay, he has enough, Joel rises to his feet

"Listen..." Before he can finish his sentence, Tess walks in. Ellie gave Joel a smug looked. Tess stepped into the house and took off her bag.

"The spot under Lancaster looks good." She nodded at Joel and then shifted her attention to Ellie.

"You got a jacket in your pack?" She nodded towards Ellie.

"Yeah." Ellie nodded her head

"Okay, get it. It's time to go." Ellie then rose to her feet and opened her bag to pull out her jacket.

"Oh, and Marlene wants her to come with us." Tess looked behind her, but no one was there. It makes all of them stop in their tracks.

Joel places his hands on his hips. "Who she wants us to smuggler again?" Joel asked Tess, annoyed, but she was already opening the door to talk to someone behind it.

"What're you doing?" Tess voice echoed in the hallway and transferred through the open door to their ears.

"I'm tying my boots." The voice. Joel and Ellie froze at their feet because of this voice. But they have different reactions, Joel's reaction is more like disbelief, shock, and astounded. The hands on his hips lower slightly to his sides.

Ellie is the opposite of Joel's reactions, she's happy hearing this voice. Because she knows damn well who that was. A smile slowly creeps on her face.

"Well, hurry up, don't waste the time. Is gonna rain soon" Tess walked inside the apartment and started gathering the supply they'll need.

The echo of heavy boots hitting the wooden floor filled their hearing. Every step it produces makes oxygen in Joel's lungs begin to dilute. His heart rate is jumping so fast, He thinks he's gonna have a heart attack. And when the owner of the Footsteps stood in the door with a shotgun strapped to her shoulder, he let out a squeak. His breath in his throat got stuck there. Suddenly, He's back again on that dreadful night, twenty years ago, on September 26, 2003. The reason he started to drown himself in pills and cheap whiskey. Hoping that two things just take him to them.

She stood there, Lock eyes with him. But their expression is not match. She looked at him with no expression printed on her face. Like she prepares for this. Then she shifted her gaze to Ellie, who was grinning so wide seeing her in there.

"(Y/N)!!" Ellie ran to her and bump into Joel in the process, almost knocking Joel to the ground. His knees are suddenly so weak if it's not Tess wraps her hands around his bicep to steady him. Joel doesn't even realize when was Tess beside him, shaking his arm to make him snap from his staring. But he can't move, he is still frozen, and he can't shift his gaze.

All Joel does is stare at this woman in front of her. Where Ellie, their cargo, gave her tight hugs. Her face was buried in her chest.

There, they stood in Joel and Tess's Apartment, with a few feet between them. (Y/N) hand in Ellie's shoulder while Ellie wrapped her arms in (Y/N) midsection in a tight embrace. Joel stood on the other side, with Tess by his side, placing her hands on Joel's biceps. No words got exchanged, just looked.

One was disbelief, hope, and relief seeing her standing and breathing in front of him. He want to run and engulfed her in his arms. To feel that she was real but the looked in her eyes. Stopped Joel.

The other looked at him with different eyes. They're not the same eyes as he remembers. When there's love in them every time he looks, They're not the same warm eyes that like watching him sleep. Whenever he woke up, the first thing he saw was those eyes, that warm, kind, and loving eyes, and the warm smile she always gave him to start his day. But, in front of him, It's like he looked at someone else. No expression, just cold eyes that looked at him like they were just some distant folks.

[diaryofasentimentalist]

— always the fool (how was i supposed to see the way?) // preview

pairing: leon kennedy x reader

running wc: 6.9k

tags: canon compliant, canon-typical violence, suicide, death (no major characters), grooming (not between main pair), manipulation, betrayal, ill-timed attraction, alternating pov, what if we kissed in the mutant-infested laboratory? haha just kidding... unless...?

synopsis: September 13, 2003 | Pueblo, Colorado — When a citywide alert warns all residents to get home, lock down, and stay away from the industrial district, the first thing you do is head for Biovance. Although officially employed as custodial staff, you know about their experimental research, and you’re not letting the company sink without getting your hands on the R-vive bacterium they’ve been developing. Unfortunately, navigating the maze of halls you’ve memorized is a lot harder when they’re crawling with strange, hostile creatures… until you run into someone who looks like he does this for a living.

· · · ────── · 𖥸 · ────── · · ·

An organization develops a gene-altering pathogen and causes a biohazardous outbreak… basically, just another day for Leon. His mission is simple enough: get in, take out the bioweapons, rescue survivors, destroy any chance of another outbreak, get out. The first survivor he stumbles upon, however— a scientist with an attitude and an old revolver— refuses to evacuate, insisting that there’s someone she must save. It’s a pain in the ass, but between his combat capabilities and her knowledge of the facility, they might actually make a decent team.

a/n: this story takes place after operation javier, but before the events of re4, so picture slightly-less-exhausted re4r!leon. also, no y/n here; the reader uses a fake name for most of it.

chapters: [preview] [01] [02] [03] [04] [05] [06] [07] [08] [09] [10] [11] [12]

preview

“Women,” he says with a sigh. Always so stubborn. He shakes his head. As a newer agent, he might've argued longer, might've threatened legal action. But he's done this enough times to know how it's going to end. Any time spent chasing the same points around and around is time wasted, time that other survivors might not have. “Alright, fine. You lead the way, and I’ll keep you safe. But you have to stay close to me at all times, and you have to do exactly as I say. That sound like a deal to you?”

She nods eagerly, all traces of her earlier terror now replaced with hopeful vigor. It sends a pang to his heart. If she knew what she was in for, she wouldn’t look so happy right now. “Deal.”

He extends the revolver. At first, she makes no move to take it, staring up at him with her lips slightly parted. “What? You don’t want it anymore?”

“I do,” she says quickly, holding out her hand.

“I don’t know where you got this old antique,” he says, eyes scanning over the long-discontinued model, “but you should hold onto it. Don’t try to play the hero, don’t be so trigger happy. Let me handle hostiles. This is only for emergencies.” His eyes meet hers sharply, darkening slightly. “And don’t even think about pointing it at me again.”

He places the revolver into her waiting hand and watches as she tucks it into the waistband of her skirt. Seriously, not even a holster? His eyes flicker up to meet hers once more, and she nods once. “I understand,” she says, a tinge of genuine remorse in her tone. “I’m sorry.”

He nods. Truthfully, he’s not even that mad. It’s not the first time a beautiful woman has pointed a gun at him, and somehow, he doubts it’ll be the last. That just seems to be a recurring theme in his line of work.

“Lead the way, doctor.”

[thenationaltreasuregazette]

Holiday Hijinx, Fluff Edition

Merry Christmas!

@thesere1418, let me try to answer your actual question: how does Team Treasure spend Christmas?

Last time, I posited some theories on what the gang’s pre-treasure hunt Christmases looked like. The short version: lonely and isolated to varying degrees. Sometimes of the “sitting home alone” variety, and sometimes more “alone in a crowd.”

This time, we’ll look at how Team Treasure might spend Christmas after the events of National Treasure bring them all together. Fluff will ensue! But since I’m a hopeless pedant, I’m going to make you work for it.

Let’s begin with the timeline. Way back in the very first issues of this blog (insert nostalgic awww), we took a deep dive into the timeline of National Treasure, both how long the events of the movie take place and when they take place. If we’re looking at the first Christmas after the movie, the timeline piece will become very important.

As I wrote there:

The 70th Anniversary of the National Archives really was in 2004. The organization was founded on June 19th, 1934. June 19th 2004 was a Saturday, so it’s conceivable that the Gala was meant to be that weekend. However, based on all the characters’ clothing, I’ve always felt like National Treasure was a fall movie. … It’s already dark when Ben arrives. Sunset on June 18th, 2004 was at 8:36pm in Washington DC, so that gets us to potentially 9-11. However, that seems like a late start, especially considering this gala’s attendees are probably mainly older, wealthy donors. In September, sunset would have been closer to 7pm. I still think it’s fall. All we know for certain is that the story had to take place before October 31, as that was the last day of daylight savings time in 2004.

Based on the National Archives fact, the movie should theoretically take place in June. However, this is not how you dress in Washington D.C, Philadelphia, or New York in the summer.

[Outfit snips]

This could be explained by the fact the the movie actually filmed in September 2003 - February 2004. And they’re dressed like it. It’s impossible (for me anyway) to watch the movie and believe it’s anything but fall.

In my heart, National Treasure is a November movie. However, we know that doesn’t fit canonically either since the story had to take place before the end of Daylight Savings Time, October 31, 2004.

So let’s say it’s mid-October.

That means the first post-treasure hunt Christmas is only two months and change later.

As I posit in…an article I haven’t published yet, oops, I don’t think Ben and Abigail got together immediately after the treasure hunt. I think Abigail is too pragmatic to make a major decision like that on the heels of having her whole life turned upside down by the treasure hunt, and I think Ben has been burned before by women who found his whole Indiana Jones schtick charming, until it wasn’t.

Also, what season is the “Three months later” epilogue supposed to be? September? For our purposes a unseasonably mild January day, I guess.

Team Treasure’s First Christmas

The reason I am dwelling on this, other than because it delays the creative work of imagining things that didn’t happen on screen, which I am inevitably procrastinating, is because deciding when the treasure hunt took place really colors how Team Treasure spends their first Christmas together.

If the treasure hunt happened in June, then things have had time to settle down by December. Ben and Abigail are new but reasonably well established couple, Ben is settled into his massive new house, and the logistics of dealing with the treasure are well enough under control that everyone can take a breather.

If the treasure hunt happens in October, none of these things are the case. Sorting out who is working on the treasure, what pieces are going where, security, research, transportation, sale donation, etc. etc. is still a full-time nightmare headache. Ben and Abigail are toying with the idea of actually dating but haven’t taken the plunge. Ben bought his big stupid house but it’s 80% empty rooms and 20% cardboard boxes.

So.

Riley and Abigail still go home for the holidays, but although the basic sequence of events is the same as it always has been, the feel is very different. Abigail is no longer just the reserved, quiet, nerdy aunt. Riley is no longer the burnout computer geek uncle. They’re treasure hunters. They’re famous, at least for this moment in time. Everyone is either tiptoeing around them or running up to ask a bunch of questions.

For Riley: “Were you scared?” “How many crimes did you commit?” “Did you really fool the FBI?” “How did you break into the National Archives?” “What does the Declaration of Independence feel like?” “Does this mean you’ll get a better job now?” “Will IBM take an almost-felon back?” “What are your plans moving forward?” “You know, that Gates fellow isn’t going to need you any more.” “Have you thought about a history degree?”

For Abigail: “That treasure hunter’s pretty handsome. Hint hint, googly eyes.” “How did you meet?” “Is he as charming as he looks on TV?” (Oh my god mom.) “You’re sure you’re not in trouble at work?” “You worked so hard to get where you are. I’d hate to see you throw it away on some crackpot. Even if he’s rich now.” “Does the Archives give medals? You should get one.”

It’s a lot, but they get through it. They both know that this is a one-time thing. The Templar Treasure won’t be the hot news story next year.

As for the Gates boys, Ben is finally the center of attention at his mother’s Christmas party in a good way. For the first time he can arrive with his head held high. The academics spend all night asking him detailed questions about the treasure and the search, how he knew where to look for Charlotte, what he’s learned about the contents of the cavern so far. The attention and interest feels good, but nothing feels better than his mother’s proud smile saying, That’s my boy.

And on Christmas day, Ben and Patrick have dinner together. It’s stilted and awkward at first, especially since it’s just the two of them. There’s no one else to serve as a buffer, and their years of estrangement hang over the afternoon like inescapable clouds. “Oh, you play poker?” “Been in the same Thursday night poker group for fifteen years.” Silence.

But then the topic switches to John, and early Christmases the three of them spent together. “Grandpa and I spent a day driving all over D.C. looking for the perfect ship in a bottle. I think we visited twelve different antique dealers that day. That was my first treasure hunt, I guess.” “I still have it. It’s right here.” “I always thought you hated it. I know you and he didn’t see eye to eye about the treasure.” “We didn’t. But it was from you, so it was always special to me.”

It’s ends up being a pleasant evening of reminiscing, and an important step as Ben and Patrick start to rebuild their relationship.

Subsequent Christmases

And finally, your actual question!

By the next year, everything is much more settled. Ben, and now possibly Abigail as well, actually live in the giant house. It’s filled with books and antique furniture and maps to possible future treasures. It’s lived-in and it’s theirs. They’re an established couple at this point, and the treasure situation is much more under control. And it would be insane of them not to throw a Christmas party in that massive, massive house.

The house is decked out with vintage Christmas decorations and a fifteen foot tree. In the style of the 18th century, the main fireplace is decorated with fruit and greens. There’s catering and a hundred guests and a band (perhaps that same string quartet from the gala?). This first year especially, they really go all out.

But their actual Christmas Eve and Christmas day celebrations are much more intimate. Abigail makes a selection of German Christmas cookies and she and Ben and Riley decorate a second, smaller tree on Christmas Eve. Riley brings kugel and rugelach from his favorite deli and tells them about some of his favorite family traditions. Patrick stops by for a while and they sip nice wine or nicer scotch around the fire while reminiscing about the insane last year that brought them together. The treasure hunt but also the excavation of the treasure and their travels around the world to all the exhibit openings.

Ben and Abigail dance to slow jazz in the firelight. Patrick beats Riley at chess, repeatedly.

They exchange gifts, but what do you get new multi-millionaires who just found a history-redefining treasure?

Gifts

Ben gives Riley an early prototype of Hedy Lamarr’s frequency hopping radio that would become the basis for wifi and GPS technology. He gives Abigail letter written by George Washington that he once found in an old house in Virginia. And he gives Patrick a framed photo of himself, Patrick, and John. In all the hubbub about the treasure someone had tracked down old family photos of theirs.

Riley gives Ben a framed blueprint of the National Archives overlaid with the exact route he took to steal the Declaration. There’s a small note at the bottom that says “Security has since been upgraded.” He gives Abigail a computer program that can sort her email much more accurately that any built-in program in 2004 could. (He’s been working with the National Archives to bolster their digital security.) For Patrick, he’s not really sure what to get, but when Ben suggests a nice bottle of scotch, Riley takes it a step farther and gets a custom blend made and labeled “Trinity Church Staircase (contains no actual 200 year old wood).”

Abigail gives Riley a book of American history written in an fun, narrative style—picture Drunk History in book form—and a state of the art remote control drone. She gives Patrick an set of antique letters from a period she knows is of interest to him. And for Ben, she puts together a scrapbook off newspaper coverage of the treasure from all over the world. She puts out a call to the archivists community, in addition to the papers and magazines she’s been collecting as they travel.

Patrick gives Riley a computer programing manual from the 1940s, one of the earliest in the world, and a two books on conspiracy theories, one from the 1870s and one from the 1970s. He gives Abigail antique records of her favorite composer, and brings an album of baby pictures of Ben to show her. And for Ben, he gives him the Gates family scrapbook, which Patrick has taken and updated with pictures of Ben and the treasure.

The Gang’s Christmas Superpowers

As for special holiday skills,

Ben is a master gift finder. He doesn’t give gifts too often (he’s pretty oblivious to the whole thing) but when he does, he finds the perfect item. It’s never something off the shelves, it’s the same antique china pattern your grandparents had when you were a kid, or a vintage book on your favorite topic.

Abigail is the perfect gift wrapper. Her fastidious nature, steady hands, and decade of training to handle delicate paper items make her excellent at it, no matter the shape or size. Perfect corners every time, paired with the perfect ribbon and bow.

Riley doesn’t love Christmas music, but if he has to hear it, he wants to hear what he tolerates, so he’s created a database of all the best Christmas music ranked by decade, vibe, and his personal taste. He can whip up the perfect playlist for any occasion in seconds.

Patrick can tell you a historical Christmas event from any year between 1717 and 1990. Choose any year and he’ll have an anecdote about the news of the time, anything from small town goings on to world-changing battles and decisions.

Conclusion

There you go! A Team Treasure Christmas!

Whohoo! I did it! I got the article out on time!

Hope you’re all having a nice holiday out there if you celebrate.

[omgiamwish]

Here in the Dark

Fandom: TMNT 2003

Summary: Being trapped in a nightmare sucks. What sucks even more is realizing just how afraid you are of something. Coda to The Darkness Within

Tags: Raphael & Michelangelo, Episode: s03e14 The Darkness Within, Late Night Conversations, Platonic Bed Sharing

Words: 1550

Read below or on Ao3

The ride back home is quieter than usual. Mikey kind of understands that; they may get into a lot of trouble, but what happened today was definitely going on the ‘top ten freakiest things to ever happen to us’ list. Maybe even top five!

Like, between the unkillable skeletons, the giant tentacle monster, the icky gooey cells that they would have died in if Leo hadn’t somehow freed himself and rescued them, and that old guy turning into dust (that Mikey stepped in, ew ew ew ew!), there’s already more than enough material to keep a turtle up at night.

Nevermind the nightmares they had while they were in the cells.

The nightmare is what Mikey’s mind keeps drifting back to. It felt genuinely real in a way his nightmares usually don’t. The solid ground and clammy, cool air. The weight of his body and the way he felt actual pain when Leo landed a hit. Leo’s voice was off, but Mikey noticed it in the moment and that just made the whole thing more unsettling.

“So, were those nightmares like our greatest fears or something?” Mikey asks into the silence, a split second before his brain catches up with his mouth and realizes that this is not a conversation he wants to have. Shell.

Donny, beside him in the driver’s seat, hums thoughtfully. “I don’t know. In my nightmare… Angel followed us and put herself in danger and… I couldn’t save her.” Mikey watches Donny’s grip on the steering wheel tighten. Nobody says anything for a moment. “But as horrible as that would be if it happened,” Donny continues, “I can think of a few things that would make it worse.”

“Maybe there had to be some level of realism,” Leo offers. Mikey turns in his seat to look at him, but Leo has his face turned away, staring intently at the maps even though Donny said he knows the way home. “I saw Master Splinter die… but I just couldn’t believe it. That’s how I was able to wake up.”

Raph snorts. “Maybe the part about needing to believe it is true, but the realism part sure ain’t.”

“What do you mean?” Leo asks.

“Well, I uh…” Raph glances nervously between Leo and Mikey who are now both staring at Raph intently. Probably the only reason Donny isn’t doing the same is because he’s driving.

“C’mon, Raph,” Donnie teases. “Leo and I shared.”

“Mikey didn’t,” Raph argues. “And it was his question that started this talk.”

“Leo got turned into a tentacle monster. It was super gross,” Mikey complies, careful to keep his tone upbeat. This time, even Donny turns to give him a weird look. “What?”

“See?” Raph gestures at Mikey. “No realism needed.”

“Oh, no it was totally realistic,” Mikey argues because it was, but also because he’s really interested in what Raph saw now. “There was context and everything.”

“What kinda context makes Leo turning into a tentacle monster realistic?”

“Well it made sense to me. I guess you had to be there.”

Raph growls and raises his fist, and Mikey yelps even though Raph’s too far away to smack him without taking off his seatbelt.

“Calm down, Raph,” Leo says, laying a hand on Raph’s fist. “You don’t have to tell us about what you saw if you don’t want to.”

Raph crosses his arms and grumbles for a bit before relenting. “You know what? Fine. It’s not that big a deal. It was just ol’ Shredhead, except when I knocked that stupid helmet offa him, it was someone else underneath. Someone impossible. That’s why I said it wasn’t realistic.”

“Who?” Mikey asks, though something between dread and validation makes him wonder if he already knows.

“None a your business, Mike.”

The rest of the ride home is silent.

Mikey tries to sleep, and he tries even harder to stop thinking about what Raph said. He can’t. If he’s right about who Raph saw in Shredder’s place, it makes Mikey’s fear more valid. He doesn’t even know if that should be comforting or terrifying.

He’s out of his bed and halfway out of his room before he catches himself.

“Ooh, Michelangelo, you’re really asking for trouble this time,” he scolds himself, but continues walking anyway.

He tiptoes through the lair, into Raph’s room, and up to Raph’s hammock. Raph looks like he’s sleeping, which is unfortunate; Raph’s not exactly a cuddly teddy bear when you wake him up.

“Hey Raphie, you awake?” Mikey whispers.

“If ya poke me, I’ll break your finger,” Raph mutters without opening his eyes. Mikey quickly retracts his hand, a nervous giggle breaking free. “What the shell do ya want, Mikey.”

“Oh, I was just wondering who was dressed up as Shredder in your nightmare.”

“Mikey, I swear to- I told ya ta drop it!”

“Come on! I promise I won’t judge. I just wanna know!”

“It’s none of your business. Go away.”

“Was it Leo?”

For a moment, there’s silence. Then Raph pushes himself up to look Mikey in the face. “What?”

“Was it Leo in the Shredder armor attacking you?”

Raph stares at Mikey with such an incredulous look on his face that Mikey is now certain he was wrong.

“I guess that’s a ‘no’ then! Night night, Raphie!” Mikey turns to leave, but Raph grabs his wrist and tugs him back. “Ha ha, sorry for bugging you, you can let me go, I’ll leave you alone now.”

“Why. The shell. Did you think it was Leo?”

“Uhhh… no reason?” Mikey tries. Raph clearly isn’t buying it. “Aww man. Promise you won’t tell anyone? Especially Leo.”

Raph nods and releases him. Mikey sighs and sits on the floor next to Raph’s hammock, pulling his legs up to his chest.

“Remember how my nightmare was about Leo turning into a tentacle monster?”

“Yeah. You gonna tell me the ‘context’ now?”

Mikey fiddles with his fingers, wondering why he could never leave well enough alone. “Well, I didn’t know he was a monster at first. He said something about the monster capturing us, but- but being merciful or something. That the monster offered us the choice of joining it. And. And Leo took it. And then he attacked me.”

“That’s messed up, bro.”

“It’s super messed up!” Mikey agrees. “Leo would never hurt us!”

“He’d never betray us, either,” Raph points out.

“Yeah,” Mikey agrees, more hesitant than he would’ve been even a day ago.

“Hey, listen.” Raph leans out of his hammock to smack Mikey’s head. The awkward stretched out position makes it more of a tap. “We’ve knocked sense into the idiot before, we’ll do it again if we have to. As many times as it takes.”

“Yeah, I know. It just sucks how real the nightmare seemed. I didn’t even think to question it.”

“Hey, at least you didn’t-”

Mikey looks up to see a pinched expression overtaking Raph’s face.

“Raph?”

“If I tell you, it doesn’t leave this room, okay?”

Mikey spreads his hands in a calming gesture. “Dude, I literally just gave you blackmail of the century. My lips are sealed.” He mimes the motion.

Raph sighs and adjusts his position in his hammock. “When I knocked Shredder’s helmet off, it was my own face staring back at me.”

“Woah… trippy.”

Raph’s pillow hits Mikey in the face. “It’s not funny, bonehead.”

“I didn’t say it was!” Mikey tosses the pillow back. “I just don’t get why that would be scary.”

“Well, ya don’t need to.” Raph shifts to lying on his shell with his arms crossed. “Point is, I saw that and didn’t question it either. Like I don’t question any of my dreams until I wake up. Don’t know how the shell Fearless managed to do it.”

Mikey shrugs. “Maybe he just has a lot of practice.”

“The shell is that supposed ta mean?”

“You don’t really believe Leo never gets any nightmares?” Mikey asks, though he doesn’t wait for an answer. “But he probably thinks he’s too dignified to have them or something, so he started training himself to recognize he’s dreaming and wake up.”

Raph seems to contemplate that for a minute before he tilts his head in acknowledgement. “Seems like the kinda thing he’d do.” Raph scoffs. “Training, even in his sleep.”

“Dude’s seriously gotta take a chill pill, even if it was useful this one specific time.”

“Since it was useful, he’s probably gonna practice harder. Might even try and teach us how to do it.”

“Aw man.”

“Now, if we’re done with this little heart ta heart, I’d like ta get back to trying to sleep. If that’s alright with you.”

The last part is clearly sarcasm, but Mikey ignores that he knows that. “Sure!”

“That means ‘leave’, Mikey.”

“Nah, I think I’m gonna stay here.” Mikey gets up and throws one leg into the hammock.

“No,” Raph protests, trying to push him back out as Mikey climbs in. “Nuh-uh. Mikey, get out. You little piece of-”

“So cozy,” Mikey says, pretending to be unbothered as he uses all his strength to hold on to Raph and stay in the hammock.

“I hate this,” Raph grumbles as he finally relents.

“You love me.”

“You’re a pain in my shell.”

Sleep comes a lot easier than it did before.

[anarchswild]

Hindsight 20/20 mini writing 1/?, suggested by @discodiablo

"So like, what's the point of all this?"

Ashton stood over her sire as he was leaning over a small pile of paperwork. A death certificate.

"Well now that you're dead, we need to make that official. Can't have ya runnin' around while still legally alive." Reid sighed, adjusting his prosthetic out of the way. He muttered under his breath. "I'll need to get Zacharias to take care of the rest… I don't get any of this."

"It's not like we're going off the grid, why bother?" The fledgling had moved on to laying on the couch in the office, kicking her feet while playing with her phone. They'd need to get her a new phone number too, close her social media. Nothing she'll want to do. They don't even have the security of the shrecknet anymore.

"We bother because otherwise it'll follow ya with nothin' but problems. We interact with society, but we're not really part of it, y'know? Gotta make sure that stays the case." She gave him an unconvinced look. He stood up from his desk, walked to a filing cabinet on the other side of the office, then pulled out and handed her a newspaper.

She looked at it, unimpressed. "An obituary? Really?"

"Take a closer look at it. The names and the date." He poked the paper, pointing to the headline.

Ashton rolled her eyes, but began reading anyway. "... Oh, you even highlighted it. Reid Thomel, right there, perished in the Portland Symphonium fire on... October 6th, 2003? I thought you said you got turned in the 90s." She looked at him incredulously.

"I did, November of '97. Tam celebrates it every year. My point is, my sire didn't teach me jack shit before she left me on my own. I spent almost 6 years dodging normal human society. Doin' stuff like taxes. All because no one realized and no one told me. So I'm tryin' to save you from that." He leaned over to ruffle her hair, to her indignation.

"If you're making such a big deal out of this, shouldn't it have been, I dunno, obvious?" She said while slapping his hand away.

"Well. You know what they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty. But I don't wanna hear that from you, little miss 'why bother'."

[des-thefox]

might as well use my blog to be productive so

a silly nier theory(?) (more just me yapping) (mostly replicant focused)

ALSO THIS CONTAINS MAAAJOORRRRR SPOILERS FOR NIER REPLICANT AND AUTOMATA AND DRAKENGARD 1 PROBABLY DRAKENGARD 3!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

thinking about the never ending cycle of life and death.

not just how 2B had to kill 9S over and over and over again FOURTY EIGHT TIMES.

but with the scope of the entire world.

the nier and drakengard universes are doomed to repeat themselves OVER. and OVER. and OVER again.

every single time, a strange structure named cathedral city appears out of nowhere, dragons begin to roam the lands, creatures unlike the world has ever seen before.

every single time caim while fighting the watcher ends up transported into a different world, japan 2003, as he, the watcher, and the red dragon all die.

every single time the maso inside of the foreign entities begin to spread a disease known as white chlorination syndrome.

every single time replicant nier will embark on a journey to save yonah, whether she is his sister or his daughter

every single time humanity will all die out, leaving androids to roam the planet

every single time aliens will invade and create machines with one purpose, "destroy the enemy"

every single time every android will fall, YoRHa will be destroyed.

every single time, the machine lifeforms with their fascination with human life will attempt to recreate cathedral city, maso, and dragons, and end up sending it back into the drakengard universe as it all begins again

with this all put into perspective, ive been thinking about the differences with every "loop"

we all know that replicant and gestalt are both canon, just different loops. but what else could there be?

the other night i was reading an interview with the main minds behind nier, in which its stated that originally there would be a scene depicting nier (brother) and yonah getting into an arguement that ends with nier shouting that he wishes she wasnt around so he wouldnt have to deal with her illnesses.

while it was cut from the final version, what if in one loop it actually happened?

what if in one loop, a young nier, bitter and angered by the death of his parents, felt like it was a burden to take care of his sister?

he doesnt want to lose her, but hes given up so MUCH for her that its beginning to eat away at his subconscious

and one day he lashes out, wishing to never see her again with some semblance of hope that maybe if she was dead he would be able to live for himself

of course, hed feel bad afterwards. hes still the same nier, caring, selfless, ignorant. hed apologize, remembering that yonah really is all he has left, and he doesnt wanna be alone.

everything would continue as normal, until yet another loop occurs

what if in one loop, upon entering shadowlords castle, learning the truth about project gestalt and project replicant, nier actually STOPS TO THINK(😭)

he realizes that what hes doing will cause the end of humanity, but he presses on anyways. its too far to back out now.

he sees yonah, gestalt yonah in his own sisters body. he sees how happy she is to see her brother, the shadowlord, gestalt nier, himself.

that doesnt matter, thats HIS sister.

he fights the shadowlord, knocks him down, but right as he is about to execute him, cut his head clean off of his shoulders, he stops.

in his moment of hesitation, he decides to spare him. leave him alive.

nier knows what its like to care about your sister, to sacrifice anything to see her live another day. he knows what its like to lose his father, and his mother not soon after. he knows what its like to have to provide for two people being only a teenager. he knows of the suffering the shadowlord had to go through, waiting a thousand years just for his sister.

so he spares him. he saved yonah, after all. he doesnt need to kill the shadowlord, too.

what if project gestalt doesnt fail due to one vengeful brother?

humanity is saved, all gestalts are placed in their respective replicant bodies. the human race lives on.

YoRHa is never created, the devola and popola androids are no longer necessary.

but the cycle continues anyways.

the aliens will still invade, the machine lifeforms will fight against humanity, fight against thousands upon thousands of emil clones.

the machine lifeforms, with their fascination of humanity, will rebuild cathedral city, recreate maso, and dragons, and send it back to the past.

and it all repeats again.

"we are perpetually trapped in a never ending cycle of life and death."

and no matter what changes, it all ends the same.

[turtle--soup]

1 for all Raphs

1. What do you like or dislike about this character?

Wow. Buckle up kiddos - I may be here for some time...

Mirage Raph

My favourite thing about this idiot boy is that he goes at everything full force. Everything. There is no chill with this guy. And yes that means he's sometimes very aggressive. But this Raph is also very emotional - like when he thinks Splinter is dead when they find him in a tank in TCRI and Raph immediately bursts into tears and rushes to retrieve his sensei's body.

He can also be a silly little goofball sometimes - the antics he gets up to while the others are preparing Christmas dinner and putting up decorations in the Leonardo Microseries issue puts me in mind of 2003 and 2012 Mikey. I think he's the one that the 'teenage' part of the series title applies to most out of the Mirage Turtles, at least in the parts I've read, and I love how messy and rough he is because of that.

1987 Raph

My boy! (Heads up - I am likely to say this more than once...)

Okay, part of my love for this particular red boy is nostalgia. I grew up with the 1987 cartoon and Raph has been my favourite turtle for as long as I can remember. Little me thought he was the funniest (I was right) and Rob Paulsen was in other shows I watched (that man was everywhere back in the day it seemed) so he felt familiar too I guess?

But outside of that, I love his trademark sarcasm. Being someone who deals with Situations badly and kind of automatically responds with sarcasm and eye-rolling to cover up for the fact that I am genuinely uncomfortable or nervous... yeah, he's a relatable kinda guy! Role model. Absolute icon. The silly ever.

1990s Movie Raph

I don't know how to word this exactly, but he's really cool? Like, actually cool. In an awkward, grumpy 90s teenager kind of way.

I love the relationships this boy makes with people - he's so surly but everyone seems to be able to see straight through that, and he's just so adorable with Yoshi in the third movie! Also that bit in the third movie when he gets all excited about how clean the water is... He's a sensitive little guy really!

2003 Raph

My boy! (See?)

I love this boy like... so much. I have Many Emotions!

He is such a sweet little guy. Yeah sure, he will take every opportunity to throw shade and throw hands, but he is so protective of his family and anyone else who he thinks deserves it. Which is a surprisingly large about of people.

I love how he interacts with Tyler in Lone Raph and Cub and with Mrs Morrison in Touch and Go because I think they're good episodes to show how adaptable he is with others. He approaches different people differently and is pretty sensitive to their emotions - like when Leo is going through it at the start of season four Raph steps up and responds in the way that he thinks will help Leo most...

Yeah, I could probably go on for ages about 2003 Raph! But I won't...

2007 Raph

Ah, Mr Abandonment Issues! I love the fact that he's missing his big bro really mad that Leo hasn't gotten in contact and everything's changed and he's uncomfortable about that the others just don't seem to care that there's still crime on the streets so obviously the only thing to do is give himself an edgy name, dress up and take on all the thugs in New York City by himself. Obviously. Batman gets it.

Honestly though I love him. I just really wish there had been some less tense interaction between him and Donnie and Mikey...

2012 Raph

He does a really good impression of someone who doesn't care for someone who's so highly strung!

One of the things I love most about him is how Disney Princess he is with small animals lol

I also love his fighting style (2012 is good with fight scenes!)

2014/OotS Raph

You know when Mikey is introducing all of them and he says that Raph is a big cuddly teddy bear if teddy bears were incredibly violent? He's... not wrong!

My favourite scenes for him include the one where he's racing to save his brothers in the 2014 movie and he is just tearing through everything and everybody who gets in his way and he just throws this one guy at a wall like he's just throwing like a pillow or something (MM Raph does this too in the No Diggity scene!) and the bit in the aeroplane in OotS. Also just the fact that when he finds out that Leo told Donnie to forget about them turning into humans without consulting the others, most of Raph's issue with that is 'but what about Mikey though?' He's just... such a big baby!

Batman vs TMNT Raph

He is. So square.

Like the shape, not the 70s slang.

Just... a wall of turtle.

He is gruff as all hell and I love his relationship with Damian Wayne. Raphs just like to adopt small boys, apparently.

Has anyone read the Batman/TMNT comics btw? Just thought I would take the chance to ask! There are two whole Raphs at the same time in Batman/TMNT 3!

Mutant Mayhem Raph

--

My boy my son my terrible child!

He's so full of chaotic energy when he's in his comfort zone - fighting and messing about with his bros - but when he uncertain about something he can get really quiet and looks for reassurance. If you look at him in the background when other characters are talking, a lot of the time he looks like he's really trying to take everything in. I feel like he's naturally a worrier, like Leo, but he tries to hide it by being loud and angry. One of the things I really want to see in TOTTMNT and the MM sequel is how he gets on with Bebop and Rocksteady now they're living with them in the lair! They had a lot in common in MM and I've always wanted Bebop and Rocksteady to make friends with the turtles because I love those idiots! We'll see...

I'll just briefly mention a few more that I haven't actually seen much of...

I haven't read much of IDW but I liked Raph in the Turtles in Time time travel thingy bit that I read I guess? He seems pretty standard?

I've seen like... one episode of Rise so far. Raph seems like a sweet dude, and I love his voice. I am interested to see the tough guy/ big softie ratio getting played differently when I do get around to it!

I'm two episodes into Next Mutation. Raph is kind of a meathead but honestly I feel like that's just the vibe of the show?

Uh. I watched Choujin Densetsu-hen once many moons ago? From what I remember, Raph in that is just a Japanese take on 87 Raph?? I need to watch that again...

Um. Yeah.

tl;dr - I'm a sucker for characters who have 'opposing' character traits and 'tough guy who's actually an absolute sweetheart' is one of the best examples of that I guess?

Apologies to any Raphs I may have missed! I am very forgetful!

--

Anyway, thank you for the ask and I'm sorry I took so long to reply! (I kept getting carried away...)

[taffycandyqt]

hey so how do you think the 2003 tmnt boys would deal with watching movies with s/o and this has happened over the cause of knowing each other. S/o seems to make a displeased huff every single time wedding vows happen in the movie even before they were couple. If asked what’s up now and s/o speaks “ it’s a rip off. Why would you marry someone if you aren’t going to be with them in death?” It’s the death do you part that has s/o upity?

Im sorry, but I have closed my requests right now. If you want to save this and send it to me when my inbox is open I will gladly get to it. However fight now I will not be taking anything new as I have a lot of requests in my inbox and drafts right now.

Please make sure to check my masterlist/rules for when I updated my request status.

Thank you