#i know loving everyone and accepting everyone is a fucking utopian wish

[nymphaforesta]

the world is such a scary place right now

[sunflowersupremes]

I think, respectfully, that there is a lot of people who misunderstand what Yennefer’s storyline is about. Yennefer’s storyline is not actually about having a child. She says she wants one, because she dreams of being loved unconditionally. But that’s not the crux of her character arc. Yennefer’s storyarc is about autonomy, freedom and choice. It’s also about abuse.(1/7)

I’m not sure if this is a responce to Why Yen’s Storyline is Frustrating to me, A Childfree Woman or if it’s a responce to Jaskier is Better than Yennefer so I’ll link both. 

I’ll agree with you that her storyline is about autonomy, freedom, and choice. As I specifically said, I was fine with the idea of ‘I can’t have kids and I’m bitter about it’ as it was presented in the books. My biggest issue was that Netflix fucked it up and turned it into some sort of ‘overcoming disability is strength torture porn’ (because of the weird surgery that she was awake for) and also went into ‘womb magic’ which is just.... nah. 

When Yennefer of Vengerberg was fourteen years old, she was sold to Aretuza. She had no choice in the matter and no means of escape. She was told over and over again that her only real path to power is to follow the path set forth by the Brotherhood: She learns, she ascends, she takes the transformation, and she becomes a powerful, admired mage who can create her own legacy. To do this, she is told she has to give up a part of herself.(2/7)

Yeah slavery is bad. 

And yes, the sorceresses go through a lot of shit. 

But they’re also incredibly spoiled and privileged once they get out of school, so don’t forget that. It’s specifically stated in Season of Storms that the mages could make everyone on the continent immortal and immune to disease but they choose not to because they like having power over poor, non magic people. 

If Yen really wanted to fuck over Aretuza she would share her knowledge and make the world a Utopian paradise, but instead she’s all “me, me, me” and just wants a baby, fuck the poors. 

Yennefer is not someone who is sterile for a medical reason. She was not born this way. She did not give up her reproductive ability as part of a medical procedure to save her life. This isn’t even a matter where the use of magic lowers her fertility naturally (as is implied, I believe, in the books.) Yennefer of Vengerberg was eighteen years old. She was promised everything she’d ever dreamed of. And she also knows what happens if she fails. (Anica says hi from the eel tank).(3/7)

I never said Yen was sterile for medical reasons, I said that her storyline was dangerous to people who want that sterilization.

Just like how JK Rowling’s book about a crossdressing serial killer is dangerous to Trans folx despite having no Trans characters (I know this is an extreme example, it’s all I could think of). 

Things don’t have to be exact for people to draw correlations if they have no other experience with that thing. 

But like you said, that’s not how the books handled her infertility, and there’s my whole problem. The books which were written 30 years ago by a man somehow handled this better than a show written in 2020 by a woman and that’s insane. 

It is not clear that the Brotherhood would accept no for an answer. She was also very desperate and not necessarily thinking clearly. She’s discovered that she was betrayed. The person she trusted gave her secret to people who are now using it to screw her over. She’s desperate. She makes the choice. And then, she learns that everything was a lie. The power and respect are non-existent.(4/7)

How is it not clear that they would accept no for an answer? Discount Dandelion was already putting his tools away when Yen came to him. He was done doing surgeries. He is clearly uncomfortable performing the procedure on her. 

She spends thirty years cleaning up messes of people who are happy to insult her as soon as she’s not doing what they want. She’s not going to have a legacy at all. Neither Yennefer, nor the show itself, has ever tried to say that a woman needs a child to be complete. But what did happen is that Yennefer was abused and manipulated into making a huge sacrifice for absolutely nothing. And she’s incandescently angry about it.(5/7)

She didn’t make a sacrifice for nothing. She got a lot out of it. In fact she got exactly what she was told she was going to get: power, beauty, and magic. 

You just said she can create her own legacy and now you’re saying that she needs a kid for her legacy so???? 

Children are not your legacy. Full stop. That’s ridiculous. Children are indepent, free thinking humans who do not owe their parents unconditional love.

It’s not about a child. Not really. It’s about having choices taken away. If being an Aretuza sorcerer required celibacy, she’d be having a hundred orgies. If it forbade marriage, she’d be hunting for spouses every day of the week. She has convinced herself she wants a baby, because it represents what Aretuza stole from her.(6/7)

LIke I said before, if she really wanted to fuck over Aretuza she could help poor people without demanding money and share their magical secrets, but she doesn’t do that because it doesn’t directly benefit her. That would annoy them so much more than one random chick having a baby. 

Is that a great reason to have a kid? Probably not, as Geralt points out. But let’s be honest, there are plenty of uterus having people in the world who have children for worse reasons, or sometimes without any reason at all. Why shouldn’t Yennefer have that right? Why should Yennefer allow herself to be deprived from something she never really understood she was giving up?(7/7)

Just because other people are having kids for bad reasons doesn’t make it okay for Yennefer to do it. If that were true then everyone could do anything to their kids and just say “yeah, but the Duggars” and we’d have to accept it. 

No you’re absolutely valid that she’s abusive

(I’m not sure if this is the same anon or not)

Yeah I wish Netflix would acknowledge this more. Yen is much more complex than they showed. Instead of giving us random people watching her and Istredd fuck they should have developed that out more.

They took away everything that makes Yennefer an interesting character and just tried to turn her into a Super Feminist who Can Do No Wrong (tm). 

They don’t acknowledge her complexities, they don’t acknowledge that she’s abusive, they don’t acknowledge that she’s still incredibly spoiled and immature despite being fucking old as balls. 

Mostly because I think it’s important to show that Geralt, a physically strong, large and able bodied man, is still able to be a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault.

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Mount Everest Ain't Got Shit On Us (Fezco x fem! reader, Part 13.)

Description: You were always told that your life will be as you wish it to be if you’ll study enough. That it will pay off if you work hard. And some people were given you like a scary example of what will happen when you don’t obey. But sometimes it feels good to disobey.

A/N: Inspired by the great Labrinth’s very own song which inspired the name of the whole series - Mount Everest. Check it out!

A/N 2: Also sorry for the delay, I didn't want to rush this chapter or whatever and I didn't have exactly the time to sit down on a coffee with my classmate, whose experience inspired this chapter and then to write it all down. She claims she saw and felt dat shit and I believe her, so no complaints on my head, please.

Warnings: Hallucinogenic drugs usage and slightly surreal smut.

Word count: 2.3 K

Read the rest here, babe:  PART 1  PART 2  PART 3  PART 4  PART 5  PART 6  PART 7  PART 8  PART 9  PART 10  PART 11  PART 12

Masterlist and declaration: H E R E

Tagging: @charmed-asylum, @jeyramarie, @pantherxrogers, @analia-analia-analia

When you fell in love, you feel like the other person hasn't got a single flaw on them. Sometimes, this feeling slowly fades away and you start to slowly see the flaws and they can't be unseen then.

But when you're lucky, really lucky, you fell in love so deeply, that the person was just made for you. And even after all those months, that feeling of happiness, excitement and love still takes a hold on you every time you see them.

You do the craziest shit together with them and you usually are total couple goals together. Always holding each other in a tight grip, inside jokes that make you laugh as crazy and secrets only the other one knows are sure thing. The longer you're together, the more you know each other and the strong your bond is.

You and Fez were exactly the couple who was all badass, cute and funny to be around with. When you were together on some parties, you always straddled his lap, wore his hoodies and sweaters, drinking from his cup and practically kissing the living soul out of him.

There were millions of photos, boomerangs, and videos of you - sometimes you shot them, sometimes it was Jules or Rue, or Fran when you were hanging out.

Your most favorite one was you in a winter coat with Fezco's beanie as he held you from the back in a hoodie, standing on the cliff and looking into the forest as the sun was setting - that was your wallpaper. Rue's favorite video of you two was when you ordered pizza and he was feeding you, nudging your mouth with the pizza slice, which made you laugh. Jules's personal video was when you and Rue sang dancing queen on of the many parties and then you ran to Fezco’s arms, jumping into his embrace and circles him with your legs and hands, kissing him.

But there were many, many more - the time when Fez fell asleep with his head on your belly on a sunny day, a selfie of you in a swimming pool, late-night selfie and you even made some slightly erotic photos.

One of them was your favorite - your pussy in lacy black panties was straddling his lap clothed in denim jeans with his dick completely hard. You even had one when Fezco was pounding into you and arched your back, having his ass all hard and tensed up and it was covering your pussy completely.

Your relationship was the ultimate couple goal. Nobody ever saw a couple so crazy for each other than you two. Your Instagram feed was full of your couple photos, the pics from your trips and you with Rue and Jules hanging out.

And one time, Fez ultimately surprised you.

You were staying over at his place, he was finishing some business and you were feeding his na, bathing her and reading her some news, even if you knew that she couldn't hear you. Fez came back around nine p.m. with you immediately circled around his waist.

You had your rainbow-striped sweater on, a messy hair bun and you already put your make-up off. You kissed his shoulder wide, snuggled into one of them.

"Been gon' for two hours, ya monkey." - He slowly leaned into your embrace, putting his hands all over yours.

"I know, and I've missed you so fucking much." - You whispered, closing your eyes and turning his face to you. You tiptoed, kissing him hungrily. - "No other businesses today?"

"Only ours today, babe." - Fez leaned forward, putting his hands all over your butt, circling around his arms your waist. - "Got ya a small surprise." - He took you by your hand to his and lead you to his bedroom, which was basically yours as well. You had a lot of your clothes in there, you moved in some of Fezco's favorite undies, bras, and panties for him, some leggings and t-shirts. He sat you on his bed and took something out of his bag.

"There ya go, baby." - Fezco said with a smile, holding an open palm to you. There was a small pill with something painted on it. You circled your fingers around his wrist, taking a seriously deep breath in.

"Fez, I don't know." - You gulped and closed his palm. He sat next to you, kissing your cheek, tugging your earlobe playfully.

"This ain't no shit, would not buy anythin' bad for ma babe. When ya take it, I swear that I will fuck you like never before." - He whispered into your ear.

You somehow accepted that Fezco is making a living out of drug dealing. Because you loved him so much, you somehow accepted that he was most probably the one who made Rue able to OD herself. But you weren't exactly sure about taking the pill.

Fezco wouldn't be mad a bit when you would not accept the pill. But you knew the motto that Rue and Fez use in their life: you need to try everything. And you were seriously curious.

Who would not be curious about drugs? Everyone in the world sometime in their life thought about the states they gave to human body. There were so many of them, so much different states, so much to discover.

It was only one pill. And your man who loved you like no-one else. You trusted him - Fezco knew what material and pills he should buy. When he told you that it's safe - it was safe. Curiousness and love made you blind.

"You are not making me to do it, don't you? It will be good when I'll not do it?" - You asked worriedly. Fezco leaned into your body and kissed you slowly.

"I would fuckin' never." - He smiled, standing up to get the pill back into his backpack. But your hand stopped him.

"Fine. I'll try it. Just once. You swear?" - You asked quietly with a slight frown on your face. Fezco stood up in front of you, smoothing your face. - "Babe you don't have to do dat shit. It was only an idea, baby girl."

"I wanna try it. I only live once, right?" - You smiled, slowly rolling the tongue out of your mouth, hugging his upper thighs with your hands. Fezco slowly put the pill on his tongue, slowly dropping on his knees, taking your face to his palm. While his tongue danced in your mouth, you felt how the pill slipped down your tongue and throat. Slowly, he was climbing on the top of you, putting his hands next to your hips.

Fezco was getting eager, as always when it was getting intense in the bed. When you opened your eyes up, the world was getting blurry and somehow blissful. You saw sparkles everywhere, they looked like little stars. You exhaled out loud and closed your eyes.

You slowly felt as you were falling down, your head spun all over the place. The world stopped around you, you would swear it hadn't moved for a several second straight. Your heartbeat was almost insanely loud, destroying your ears slowly and the blood in you body stopped. Your breathing and moaning was resonating through the space of the bedroom.

Your back reached the bed, but your body was falling deeper and deeper to the unknown. The blue of Fezco's eyes was lighting the darkness around your, they were bluer than the ocean, wilder than the fire. For a moment, there were three Fezcos, the next moment he was blue, wildly violet and red, sparkled in glitter.

Then you felt how he touched you gently, he was burning hot. You watched that place and your mouth was opened widely. You saw his hands slowly traveling your body and while you watched the stars on the ceiling, you found yourself and even him completely naked. Your body was trembling and the sounds coming from you were wild and animalistic. Fez knew that those were the sounds he wouldn't forget.

You basically screamed so loud it had to be heard a mile away.

You were clueless when he disappeared, but you just laid there completely tuned down with your hands tangled in your hair as you watched the universe uncovering in front of your eyes. Then you felt how he pushed your thighs to the mattress and buried his tongue within your clit. Your body felt melting plastic as you hugged his head as always.

You felt how your body was dripping into the bed as was from a candle, you tried to breathe normally, but your mouth was capable of moaning exclusively while he worked down there. The sheets on the blanket felt so slick that you were slipping on it. For a moment, you leaned your head backward and closed your eyes.

When you opened them up again, you would swear that you could see a whole fucking universe there just expanding and rotating around your own head. You smiled at the view - and a scream came out of your lips as you came. Fireworks started to happen in your view as you shook and called his name out, all sweaty and rolling your eyes backward. It felt like a big lie, yet it was so real in your head.

Before you could move or say anything to him, you were kneeling on all fours on the bed with your ass up as he slowly entered you from the back. You couldn't watch the euphoric utopian views at the moment, but the feelings inside of you were just as strong and beautiful. You loved every moment of it.

His dick felt normally really good, but this time, you felt as every other thrust slowly cracks you up and how is it destroying your whole body while your pussy never felt a dick so good. You also were hornier and wetter than usual, so without you even realizing, you were praising him up like a little boy and screaming at him to go faster and rougher at you.

Even if his granny was with her senses and could waken up, you would scream the same. You felt like a little child who tried the taste of sugar for the first time ever - there was nothing better than that. The sugar was like his dick; there could never be anything better than that. 

You didn't even have a clue how many times you came that night, the orgasm was just swelling your body, again and again, so you basically never stopped shaking and tensing your muscles. 

Suddenly, it made sense to you - why people took drugs to feel so fucking good. Rue did that. Fezco was doing that, even when he claimed that he’s doing that a lot less since he had you by your side. Jules did that. The adults took pills and medicine to feel at least ok. The popular girls were doing that. Everyone was.

They were taking drugs for that small moment, when the world just stop, your consciousness is nowhere to be found, your breath and heartbeat stops. There is a moment when your own body feels like its dead. 

And you're laying there on your knees while your boyfriend is giving you the best sex of your whole life, looking inside of you like an empty doll; a doll without expression, its own mind or opinions and with a pale face. 

But then your life turned back on again. You are thrown back to reality as a piece of filth, as your heartbeat jumps back again and as you took a fucking deep breath. You're alive suddenly again and nothing is more disappointing. They are doing it for that little moment when you feel like a part of the galaxy. 

“How ya feelin’?” - A voice that resonated through the bedroom whispered to your ear and you turned your head a bit to look at him. You would swear that there’s some green light illuminating him and that someone’s projecting a Chinese dragon onto his naked chest. You had no clue that he’s actually naked as well. 

But you just lazily smiled at him. You had the same face Rue usually had when she found that small spot in the darkness again. Just by the looks of your face, he could tell that you took something. You couldn’t hold your gaze at him, your body was like jello - if his hands weren't holding your ass up, you would just fall down and lay there. 

Your eyes scared him a bit. They were lifeless, empty - like his little baby girl wasn't even there. He heard about it - it was a syndrome when the windows were shining, but nobody wasn't home. His granny had the same syndrome as you had.

“Good.” - You answered slowly and started to giggle and that was the moment Fezco knew you had enough - enough of his dick or drugs for that matter. He slowly laid you down onto the bed, but you just weren't in your own head at the moment. You maybe was wet like a bitch and came about four times during your session, but your empty eyes were just glaring at the ceiling. 

Fezco had a smile on - you probably won’t even remember any of that in the morning, just the euphoria you felt and how slow and your heartbeat was. But he loved you like no one before and every time he took another look at you, he was more and more sure of it. 

And if he could show you a euphoria like that, why wouldn't he?

That was why everyone was doing it. 

Because of those euphoric fucking feelings in their own head.

[starburstonlayaway]

for @elizabroadwaytrash and i

Current word count :

40,813

Basic summary:

Tyler and Ethan’s family goes through a lot of changes following their marriage. They lose people, take others in, and new journeys are ventured on every day, no matter how scary or exciting.

Title? WIP? Alternate titles?

“Leave a Message.”

Yes, it is a work-in-progress.

I don’t believe we had any alternative titles, and if we did, I do not recall them.

Favorite character and how they are introduced:

Tyler. He’s introduced at the beginning of the first chapter, seen before anyone else.

Favorite ship:

Rose/Victor! I haven’t gotten to writing their relationship and build-up, but from our plans and how we’ve designed Victor’s character to be, I’m excited.

MC’s biggest mistake:

Rose is probably more of an MC than the others, despite it being a Tyler/Ethan fanfic.

Her biggest mistake was probably refusing to give up on Carter. While he was her boyfriend, his actions toward her (and later, Jazzy) were unacceptable after she came out to him. She isn’t to blame at all, but it’s definitely the thing she regrets most.

Inspiration:

A webcomic on Webtoon called “Always Human.” The comic explores the events happening to the girls Sunati and Austen throughout the course of their relationship. Beautiful art, realistic problems (despite being set in a futuristic utopian society), representation, and well-written romance. I wanted to incorporate these factors into LaM to make it similar to a story I enjoyed very much that left an influence on me.

Underrated character appreciation:

Jazzy! Rose’s best friend. Even in the separate story where she’s one of the main set of characters, she’s still very overlooked. She’s very upbeat and friendly, with lots of knowledge on wlw pop culture and history!

A few favorite dialogues:

“I’m ready, but we’re not in a rush or anything.” “Of course we’re in a rush, you slut! The sooner you guys get married, the sooner you have kids, and the sooner I’m an uncle!“ “Aren’t you occupied enough as it is? If you’re so involved in the idea of having a family, then why haven’t you and Jack had any kids of your own yet?“ “Don’t roast us like this.”

(spoken angrily) “Hey, Mister, that’s my soup!”

“That’s Amy! She’s probably Chica and Henry’s favorite out of all of us, but WE SHOULD REALLY SHARE CUSTODY OF HENRY.”

“Uh, I like to read, mostly, but watching older cartoons is also fun.” “Ooh. What cartoons do you like?” “My current favorite is Adventure Time!” “Adventure Time is considered an older cartoon now?” “Guess so.” “Damn, we’re getting old.” “We’re already old, dude.” “Thanks I feel worse.”

“What kind of cancer is it again?” “Leukemia.” “The survival chances of that aren’t terrible.” “Wow. Thanks.”

“You punched Jazzy?! You fucking punched Jazzy?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you punch someone for standing up to you when you were the one being a dick?!” “She wouldn’t get out of my face—” “I don’t wanna hear that bullshit! Carter, you can hurt me all you fucking want and I won’t care, but you’ve crossed the fucking line. Jazzy is the only person that’s been nice to me all year. She’s supported me and loved me no matter what, something you never fucking did!” “What the hell are you—” “We’re done, Carter! I never want to see your ugly transphobic douchebag ass again!”

MC moodboard:

N/A

MC’s fondest memory:

Probably when she was adopted. It was the most exciting day of her life, and lead down a journey of self-discovery.

In close second is the day she became friends with Jazzy. She was there for her when she needed her most.

Songs that remind of LaM or the characters:

“What About Us” by P!nk, probably definitely because it’s the song I used for Tyler and Ethan’s first dance.

“Leave a Message” by gnash, the song I named the book after! This one doesn’t need much of an explanation.

“Party Tattoos” by dodie. I plan to use this song in the closing chapter, sung by Rose.

Enjoy torturing the characters?

Not really, but I do it anyway. Good for character development, which there’s a lot of. But I don’t enjoy it, no. I love the characters in this book like my cat and dogs: with all my heart.

MC’s biggest fear:

Being unaccepted. This fear makes itself evident after what happens with Carter. Her mother’s reaction enforces this more.

Goals:

To finish LaM by the end of sophomore year, editing and all.

To be proud of the finished product.

To use this book as a reminder that I can do it. I can write.

Characters’ secret talents:

Ethan, despite not playing for many, many years, still excels at playing the ukulele. This becomes not so much of a secret later on in the book.

Rose is surprisingly good at tic-tac-toe. Not necessarily a talent, but definitely something she’d want you to note.

Turned into a media? Cast?

Seeing as LaM is a piece of fanwork, I don’t believe I would turn it into a media.

If it was to be a media, however, along with Tyler Scheid and Ethan Nestor to play Tyler and Ethan, as well as Mark Fischbach, Amy Nelson, and Kathryn Knutsen to play their friends, a few choices I would make would be to cast Janet Mock as adult Rose Scheid and Elliot Fletcher as adult Adrian Garcia.

MC’s basic morals and general beliefs:

Rose’s number one moral is to never make someone feel shut out. Having been rejected (as well as accepted) many times in her life, she knows that she never wants anyone to feel like that, and makes an effort to be the reason.

How MC found out the tooth fairy doesn’t exist:

She never really believed in it, to begin with.

Best name:

Jasmine “Jazzy” Hinojosa-Mills.

Least favorite OC:

Carter. Abusive transphobic asshat that left Rose with lots of insecurities and trauma for years to come.

Snippet:

Mark really had gone all out with making the altar just like Tyler had wanted it to look. The arch was made out of ebony wood that had been painted white with golden accents. Flowery vines were twirled all around the wood, the flowers colors of black, grey, purple, and blue. The chairs surrounding the aisle were all made of the same wood as the arch, the cushions blue and grey. Both Ethan and Tyler’s family alike filled those chairs, chattering away with one another. Tyler quickly scanned the side filled with Ethan’s relatives, and wasn’t surprised to see Ethan’s aunt and uncle were not present. He hoped to god that Ethan wouldn’t notice. The guests quieted down and turned their heads to look at Tyler, and he felt put on the spot. Most of the guests smiled at him, others clapped quietly. He could see that two people in particular were both smiling and clapping. Seeing Jack and Kathryn so supportive of him was majorly comforting to Tyler. He exhaled, and glanced at Mark behind him. Mark was already smiling, and nudged his head towards the arch. Tyler walked down the aisle and received praise from just about everyone sat in chairs. He high-fived Jack on his way to his place next to the officiant. The lady smiled at him, and he returned the gesture. She opened her book as Mark took his place next to Tyler, gazing over his friend’s tux and wiping off some dust quickly. Mark gave Tyler a thumbs-up, and Tyler couldn’t stop smiling. Now that he was actually out in front of the guests and standing where he was meant to be, his nerves relaxed. In fact, every thought he’d ever had in doubt of this marriage before that moment vanished, as soon as Ethan walked out.

WIP representation:

LGBT

Tyler/Ethan

Rose is trans

Jazzy is pansexual with two moms

Adrian is trans with two moms

Marcus has two dads

POC

Rose and her mother are black

Adrian and his mama are Mexican

Disabilities

Marcus has leukemia (cancer of the white blood cells)

Standalone or part of a series?

Standalone. Although I suppose you could call it a spinoff of one of our other works, the reader does not need to read that series to understand this story.

Biggest character development:

Definitely Rose. Seeing as the story follows the changes through most of her life, there’s a big difference in her character comparing the first chapter she is introduced to the closing chapter, where she takes center stage.

People who know of the WIP:

My co-writer, Caroline. Though I’ve done most of the writing, Caroline and I brought the idea for this story to life together, creating a unique cast of characters such as Jazzy, Rose, Adrian, Marcus, their families, Victor, Rose’s mother Aaliyah, and Ethan’s uncle Zane. Without her, the story would not have been written in the first place.

The lovely readers on AO3. I’ve uploaded chapters of the WIP onto there, updating at least once a month. It feels good to be putting some of my work out there for other people instead of just keeping such a joy all to myself. Of course, this is just a personal opinion.

Characters’ annoying habits:

Jazzy’s very short-tempered. Make one wrong move, anyone could get shouted at, lectured, maybe even a blow to the face.

Marcus feels a lot of self-pity and spite. He wishes his parents wouldn’t baby him so much just because he has cancer. This, later on, leads to him participating in multiple illegal activities to antagonize them.

Adrian grows to be more selfish as he gets older, even going out of his way to go into the military and disappear from Rose’s life out of the blue one day without telling her. He later regrets this.

Rose has plenty of autophobia to go around. After her mother gave her up to the orphanage at a young age and Carter’s abuse towards her in her late middle school years, followed by Adrian’s sudden leave after high school, she always fears being alone or abandoned by the people she cares about.

Tyler and Ethan both never seem to recover from the grief of their first child’s loss. This makes them closed off to people who ask about the incident, and could sometimes bring them back to their depressive state.

Very last three lines (with context):

“Unsure was she on how to approach this. She’d felt it since that first night she met him, but it’d grown more and more out of hand since. They’d also became closer as friends, even now sometimes hanging out without the needed assistance of Marcus and Jazzy by their sides to ease the tension.”

Context: Rose had just come to the conclusion she had a crush on Adrian.

Characters: Based off IRL people(through looks, personality, or habits)?

Tyler, Ethan, Amy, Kathryn, Mark, Jack, Chica, Henry, and all of the parents in the story are based off IRL influencers. The characters have only been switched and changed a bit, as well as the relationships, of course, to fit the story.

Impossible friendship:

Carter and Jazzy. Don’t really need to explain it if you’ve read the work. They hate each other’s guts more than anyone, and they could never kiss and make up. As characters, they aren’t the types to do that at all, especially with each other.

Am I proud?

Yes. Leave a Message has been my most dedicated piece of work so far, and I’d say I’m well on my way to reaching my personally-set deadline next year if I keep it at the rate I’m going. Not to mention the characters and plotlines are exciting and realistic, in my own opinion. There’s still a lot left to be written, but I’ve got everything planned out. I don’t plan on stopping until I’m finished with it.

[gurguliare]

Anyway I finally finally finished the TM post-mortem so have one last rundown

Really loved: Signet’s stupid relics runway show, Ali describing the Mirage/Splice resolution as “the most amazing Gift of the Magi fuckup,” and, oddly, Keith’s reflections on anarchism, though idk if enough of that made it legibly into the season---which is one of the ways Gig was underserved, I guess.

I also enjoyed and appreciated the discussion of TM’s utopianism as monumental artistic challenge. I obviously have criticisms wrt execution and I disagree with some of their analysis of TM’s failures and shortcomings, but I thought everyone was refreshingly honest about the sheer scale of the task, in a way that I often missed during the series proper---when the tone sometimes tended more toward “we’ve set ‘depicting a utopia’ as our goal, and of course we share a coherent (static) vision of what that entails, and know exactly how to get from here to there.”

I was dissatisfied at best with the conversation about redemption vs rehabilitation. I might be more convinced by the distinction if Austin had ever stopped saying “sin”... which, among other things, helps to selectively blur together abuse and other forms of violence. (I’ve given up on even dreaming of a world in which FATT covers its ass better in re: Christian-centric, frankly Catholic-centric readings of both morality and faith, and maybe it’s for the best that they lack the wherewithal to mask that.) That said, I think it’s very striking that Even Gardner’s violence and militarism seems dealt with in-story almost exclusively as a form of trauma and a thing that happens to Even Gardner, while Fourteen’s history with Castlerose is discussed (up to the time of the finale) almost exclusively in terms of Sins Fourteen Committed. I’m not saying those framings are ~flipped, but the ratio does seem off. Even has a fuckton of choices at every step of the way and experiences basically no material repercussions or visible change of heart, other than “once there are no Advent people left I’ll stop targeting Advent.” He’s also, notably, “brought back from the edge” by a played-straight romantic relationship, for some reason. Fourteen has like... half of a narrative about turning bad habits and even obsolete ideas to constructive ends, and half a narrative about reclaiming agency once safely away from your abuser, even at the cost of losing access to huge swathes of your life... but it’s an arc that goes so unacknowledged or unseen by the other characters that it never connects back up to the idea that, well, bound up in the problem of rehabilitation is the problem of forgiveness---or if we don’t like that language, then acceptance. It’s never clear on what terms Fourteen is judged and reintegrated into their community, and how and where their self-image aligns with others’ view of them.

Which is very, very lonely, and raises huge questions for me about the whole issue of Fourteen as ~disability representation and specifically as a test case for what terminal illness might look like in a utopia. It is just not clear what anyone’s goals were, as far as showing Fourteen supported in a systemic way and not just on the level of relationships. It’s very odd. I’m still puzzled by Jack and Austin’s remarks on this, especially the focus on what Jack had or hadn’t done with Fourteen in play. Literally every NPC (who has a stance on the issue at all) responds to Fourteen with undisguised horror at their memory dysfunction---the most sympathetic version of this is a lecture about integrating assistive technology into their daily routine! and the least sympathetic is the point-blank statement that Fourteen not remembering who they’ve killed is worse than killing those people in the first place. Like, what the hell? That’s a vision of morality that is entirely premised on repentance, and on the idea that expiation for a crime only comes with appropriate helpings of guilt. And it never really receives an in-universe challenge.

It was also weird to me that Grand didn’t come up at all in that part of the discussion. But then again it seemed like no one wanted to comment seriously on Grand’s arc in general; maybe Art was making really sad faces on the call or something. It’s a shame though, since you’d think it would be a good opportunity to go on some bullshit about “salvation NOT through good works,” or rather, salvation definitely through good works but everyone feels a little weird about it. Three bombs? Three bombs?

Finally, it is important that I dissect all remarks on shipping. I was a little perturbed by the discussion of Fourteen/Tender; I thought Ali’s IC reasons were perfectly valid but I found Jack’s slightly suspect, because I don’t think, uh, “this person flirts all the time but is too busy dying to pursue new romantic projects” really jives---either with Fourteen’s profound, active engagement with others (more active and deeper engagement the longer the season went on) or with Jack’s stated goal of presenting a dying person who, without being embroiled in regret or bitterness in the face of death, still loves their life. Obviously I don’t think romantic relationships are a requirement for that, but the blanket statement that Fourteen is Not That Person gave me trouble. Also, I just don’t think you can drop the “platonic relationship representation is so important” line in there without a LOT more unpacking of the pros and cons of that---who are the characters involved in that relationship, and are they people for whom nonsexual relationships are a top-of-the-line representation deficit? Also, is nonsexual vs sexual really the paradigm you want to cleave to here, in a discussion of the chemistry between an internet goddess and a hunk of data?

I’m a hypocrite though bc when they got to echogrand and went on about how it was important that Echo’s arc not center on romance I was like RIGHT ON

...

Okay. One more thing. Janine shooting down Signet/Blueberry; I was fond of this, though I obviously do not care about her opinion and will continue to do what I want---I don’t like “parental” as the trajectory for a dynamic whose foundational moment is the younger weaker party saving the older, that doesn’t do it for me. Of course children can save their parents, but they shouldn’t have to, and that certainly shouldn’t be the pattern that defines the relationship. And for Signet and Blueberry I think it really is; Signet offers Blueberry apologies, Blueberry offers Signet things Signet actually needs. That’s not parental. Nevertheless, I was fond bc it made me think about what a wealth of fun mentorship dynamics this season offered otherwise---with Tender and Morning’s Observation, and Fourteen and Sho, there are these really precious internal movements, or moments of slippage, from distrust to empathy and from faith to disillusionment, that I treasured as real, organic, slippery pieces of character writing and of writing about growth... My favorite example of this is when Morning’s Observation is FURIOUS with Tender after the fucking... rooftop debacle early on in the Wind’s Poem arc. And then again, more seriously, later, after he’s been essentially abandoned and has to save the day by drawing on parts of himself he wanted to give up. That feels like a moment of roleswap between “guardian” and “child” that is presented as appropriately bittersweet, pivotal, and rupturing, and which therefore preserves the logic of the original relationship even as it expands it. And I also love Grand’s awkward interference there, haha... esp in the context of Grand managing to disappoint Morning separately later on, when by that point it’s lost most of its oomph just because Morning has learned not to have expectations of these fucking geniuses. Which is its own mixed result.

(I wish there had been a bit more followup with Morning in the finale, actually, I don’t think he really got resolution on some stuff and I think “happy at the Brink with his moms” is more avoidant copout than anything, though not implausible or unreasonable avoidance from a character perspective. But like, the fucking... part in the Feast of Patina where it becomes increasingly apparent, throughout Morning’s glad monologue, that he did, in fact, do many of the same things as Grand? He betrayed former allies for an enemy faction in the name of convenience! That’s not all Grand did, but it’s not nothing. And everyone has to fall back on “but the Advent Group are fascists! Morning didn’t turn coat and join fascists!” when it’s like, well, would he have, if they had offered him spaghetti?

Not that I think Morning’s and Grand’s choices are remotely equivalent. But it was a very funny parallel for them to try to wriggle out of on the fly, and I wish they hadn’t---I wish they’d leaned into Morning’s lingering doubts, which would if anything have served to highlight that he does have good reason to stay. It’s just that those reasons don’t cancel out the doubts.)

[thedeadflag]

Hey, as an ace-hetero person; fuck you. You have no right, no damn right to tell me where I belong. I don't think you understand how isolating it feels to be ace-hetero, and that's not to discount the struggles of those on the LGBTQ spectrum because there's no denying they deal with a hell of a lot, but that does not mean we don't deal with shit too. Being ace-hetero, I've always felt indescribably different from everyone I know.

My hetero friends wouldn't understand and my LGBTQ friends don't want me. It's like being inches away from two sides of a cliff but you can't reach either. And to have people like you, arrogant assholes who overestimate the extent of their knowledge, constantly discredit who I am hurts more than you could imagine.

The LGBTQA+ community isn't for you to decide who belongs and no, accepting ace people wouldn't take away from other issues, because being ace is not an issue and, although i can only speak from my own experience, most ace people just want to be accepted, and when people like you decide we can't be, it fucking sucks.

I’m gonna be nice and not air out your username, since your first message was on anon and the rest weren’t, and you might have genuinely misunderstood my stance on this. I’m also sorry you haven’t had good experiences in getting support.

I’m not sure how you got that I don’t accept or support ace folks, though. I absolutely do, I just use an understanding of power to establish my priorities when it comes to LGBT+ spaces, who is welcomed into them, whose voices should matter, who resources should be directed towards and made more accessible, etc. and that necessarily excludes cishet aro/ace folks because when I have to choose between their inclusion and the more marginalized people their inclusion would exclude, I’m going to stand with the latter. I’m going to support people who need those spaces and resources because they literally do not have anywhere else, whereas people with more power can find some semblance of what they seek elsewhere.

Here’s a bit of what I’ve said in the past

I’m saying that aro/ace folks are, and have always been, part of the community. Anyone who is out of their teens and has been active in meatspace LGBT+ spaces will be able to tell you that.

But my stance is that certain groups of people within the community who wield violent, oppressive power, regardless of their membership, should be removed from spaces and resources whenever possible.

This includes TERFs, white supremacists, cishet folks, among others, but the aforementioned three are pretty easy examples of groups that historically wield violent oppressive power to and within our community.

It’s not that they aren’t LGBT+, necessarily, it’s that they cannot be trusted as a group to not reproduce violence against the most marginalized of us, and we cannot weigh ideals and utopian goals of what we’d wish the community to be like, over the material realities of what the community currently is.

That, IMO, would be like SWERFs who want to abolish sex work and don’t care about the material impact their policies have on real living sex workers right now. Maybe in a fantasy world, a world without sex work could be better, but right now, there are people who need our help, and harm prevention needs to be the top priority. Allowing harmful groups to remain in our spaces, and in control of our resources, will only end up excluding those community members who need support, spaces, and resources the most. Like, any space that is welcoming to TERFs is automatically trans-exclusive, for example. That’s just a fact. Any space with white supremacist leadership would be poc-exclusive. Just a fact.Due to violent groups’ presence and power in the community, they wouldn’t be safe in those spaces and in accessing those resources and for many of them, there is literally nowhere else. Not potentially some places where they can manage to cobble some degree support or resources, even if it’s sometimes not ideal or sometimes isn’t quite enough, like cishet folks can, but literally none.

So, for your example, cishet aro/ace folks are indeed inherently LGBT+. But as a category, they wield too much violent power and oppression to outweigh any gains that could be made of allowing them to remain active in those spaces. Education is not a viable strategy to fixing that(it hasn’t worked for PoC, it hasn’t worked for disabled members, it hasn’t worked for trans members, it hasn’t worked for intersex members, etc.), but working to help develop resources outside of the community that might serve them better is viable and has been effective.

For instance, a lot of sexual support services have gotten material from within the aro/ace community as well as from within the broader LGBT+ community to help expand their services like sex ed, their hotlines, etc. to cover a more diverse population. I fully 100% support this endeavour, and I’m happy to know that gains are being made on aro/ace information and outreach and support in that sector in north america. That way, cis het aro/ace folks could get support, spaces, and resources they need without exerting violent, oppressive power against anyone. It’s a win-win. Just like LGBT+ TERFs being able to contact The Trevor Project is a win-win because that allows them to receive aid without running the risk of encountering anyone they oppress or spreading their oppressive bullshit in our communities.

Worst case scenario when some individual cishet aro/ace folks absolutely, for whatever reason, literally cannot get any aid elsewhere…yeah, cut them some slack. But they should never occupy positions of power. They should not be able to vote on resource allocation. They should never lead educational workshops. I’ve seen too many people wielding violent, oppressive power sneak into those positions of power/authority, and use their influence to shift voting towards outcomes reflective of their oppressive views/perspectives, or disregard certain forms of harassment inside the community, or promote certain harmful views in community events, or facilitate the social ostracism of unwanted outspoken marginalized people who are rocking the boat too much (often trans folks, poc, disabled folks, etc.), so IMO, it’s too dangerous to let them take root like that. They have too much oppressive power to be trusted to take up permanent space. It really isn’t much to ask that they be aware of how dangerous and distressing their presence can be to more vulnerable folks.

I say this as someone who has spent over half my life in and around these spaces, and having overwhelmingly heard similar stories elsewhere. Power is real, it functions in predictable patterns, and it needs to be accounted for when discussing how to run and facilitate our spaces and resources. Spaces and resources where violently oppressive groups are allowed access and to set down roots? Those end up growing toxic and exclusive against those who need help the most. Maybe one day things will be different, but right now? We can’t afford to let violently oppressive people remain in our communities.

I love aro/ace folks. I do. But power is something that has to be acknowledged, especially when it is directly tied to violence against community members. And those who wield violent power and oppress should not be welcome, and should be exiled by any means necessary, regardless of their identity or position

Ultimately, what it comes down to is whether I choose other trans women, or cishet aro/ace folks, and I will always, always chose trans women. If that makes me a bad person in your eyes, so be it I don’t mind. I know I’m not a bad person, and I’m doing what’s right for people like me. I don’t have the luxury of not being realistic about the generally predictable power dynamics in the LGBT+ community. 

My activism is all about harm reduction. Reducing harm is pivotal, and that means finding ways to make communities safer and resources more accessible to everyone, and that includes helping folks understand where they can appropriately take up space.

My top priority when it comes to organizing, shaping, and navigating our communities is to make community more accessible for trans women of all stripes because we’re a demographic with appallingly low community support and accessibility to resources, and that has to change. Trans women need to feel safe.

When communities bring in people with more oppressive, harmful perspectives, it passively and/or actively pushes more marginalized members out. I cannot abide that, and while I will do what I can to help aro/ace folks of all stripes, I cannot pretend that the inclusion is cishet aro/ace folks is not a zero sum issue because it absolutely is, whether people want to accept that or not. It’s a silent choice people are faced with...you can hate me for answering vocally but that doesn’t change that I had to choose, and I choose my people.

I will not be ashamed or feel guilty about prioritizing trans women when no one other than trans women will. I’m not arrogant for doing so or pushing for certain people to not take up space in our communities as a means to keep those spaces safer and more accessible to those who need it more. Because frankly, the most marginalized in the communities do need those spaces the most, and need to be prioritized. Ideally, everyone would have their needs met and would be safe and supported, but that’s not reality. That’s not how it goes down, not locally, and not online, so I need to be realistic. I need to prioritize.

My prioritizes don’t include cishet aro/ace folks when it comes to maintaining and operating in LGBT+ spaces. I trust the aro/ace community and general sexual support services to understandably pick up that slack, which they generally do well with. I want everyone to get the support and resources they need, but when the inclusion of one group virtually always raises obstacles for members of my group to access those spaces, the support they need, and the resources they need, I need to have their backs in that. Maybe that’s ‘ruthless calculus’ as Garrus Vakarian would call it, but like I said, no one else is looking out for trans women except trans women, so I don’t have the luxury of caring about anyone else when my people are put at risk of complete isolation (which can often lead to death for us). 

[bughead-fic-request]

I would like to thank @leaalda for making these amazing banners.

This is an effort to spread the word about all fan fiction writers in our little fandom. If you would like to be featured or nominate a writer, please contact me. Please reblog this post if you can and check out some of @wheninriverdale work!

1. First things first, if someone wanted to read your stories where can they find them.

My archive page is here and my tumblr masterlist is here.

2. Tell us a little about yourself.

My name is Renee. I’m 23 and still fairly new to the Riverdale/Bughead family. I love to talk, there are times when I never shut up. I am casually engaged to my best friend and I have two pet cats: Minerva and Cheeto.

3. What do you never leave home without?

My phone.

4. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Definitely a night owl. I hate waking up in the morning. The first thing I do is daydream about going back to sleep that night.

5. If you could live in any fictional world which one would you choose and why?

Without a doubt, Hogwarts or anywhere in the Harry Potter wizarding world. The staircases move, the pictures talk back to you, there are trolls in the dungeons and merpeople in the lake. Who wouldn’t want to live there??? (Also I’ve got my eyes on Ron Weasley, step back Hermione).

6. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met.

Ha. Ha. So I used to be obsessed with a boyband a.k.a. Big Time Rush. And I spent a shit ton of money to meet them live a few times at their concerts. I’ve hugged Kendall Schmidt and Logan Henderson multiple times.

7. What are some of your favorite movies/TV?

TV: Boy Meets World, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Gossip Girl, The OC, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Nashville, Stranger Things, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Baby Daddy, Reba, RIVERDALE, The Simpsons, Bobs Burgers….I watch a lot of TV.

Movies: 10 Things I Hate About You, anything by produced by Nicholas Sparks or directed by John Hughes, Coyote Ugly, Shawshank Redemption, The Great Gatsby, The Titanic, La La Land, Forrest Gump, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

8. What are some of your favorite bands/musicians?

Pvris, Taylor Swift, the 1975, A Day To Remember, Paramore, Lindsey Stirling, Dan + Shay. Basically anything but rap (unless it’s Eminem – I gotta represent Detroit lol).

9. Favorite Books?

The Martian by Andy Weir, the Harry Potter series, Night Road by Kristin Hannah & Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. I’m very intrigued by dystopian/utopian novels.

10. Favorite Food?

Stew (my mom makes it and its AMAZING).

11. Biggest pet peeve?

People who don’t use their turn signals.

12. What did you want to be when you were little? What do you want to be now?

When I was little I want to be an author…or a meteorologist. Now I am an accountant but I still want to be an author. My biggest dream is to get something published (gotta love pipe dreams).

13. What are your biggest fears? Do you have any strange fears?

I’m afraid of the dark. I’m also afraid that I can’t have kids. I don’t know what it is, but I just have this gut feeling that I can’t have children and that terrifies me because I love kids.

14. When you are on your deathbed what would be the one you’d regret not doing?

Honestly, I don’t know. As of right now I don’t have many regrets. I’m still young, I’ve got a lot of life ahead of me.

Okay… lets talk about your writing!

15. Which is your favorite of the fics you've written for the Bughead fandom?

I have a new story in the works called Concrete Dreams and I’m so excited to share it with everyone. It’s like a modern day fairytale and incorporates a lot of different disney plots into the story but its also completely original. I’m in love with it.

16. Which was the hardest to write, in terms of plot?

Right now After School Special is the hardest for me. There’s a lot I want to happen but I can’t quite wrap my head around how I want things to happen. It’s been a struggle.

17. How do you come up with the ideas for you fic(s)? Do you people watch? Listen to music? Get inspired by TV/movies?

Definitely music and movies. A lot of my one shots are based off songs and my multifics are loosely based off movies, I feel like.

18. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

I could probably never do a superhero type fic. I just wouldn’t be able to.

19. Least favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

I don’t really have one. I put my heart and soul into everything I write and I’m proud of it all.

20. Favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

My favorite is currently in the works. My favorite posted though would have to be chapter 8 of Camera Shy. I love everything about that chapter from the smut to the bar scene to the dancing in the rain. I don’t know why but I love it so much. I had a lot of fun writing it.

21. Favorite character to write?

Betty in When the Curtain Falls. She has a lot demons in her closet that she’s trying to hide and apparently I’m a sadist because I can’t wait to see how she deals with everything coming out in the open.

22. Favorite line or lines of dialogue that you've written?

“She was the first thing he thought about when he woke up and the last thing he thought about before falling asleep. Her smile moved mountains inside his chest and made rainy days worthwhile. The love he felt for her he couldn’t even fathom putting into words, because there were no words worthy of how he felt for Betty.” – Adventures In Babysitting

23. Best comment/review you’ve ever received?

There is so many I can’t even choose! The best comments are when readers quote my words back to me because it impacted them in some way shape or form. But I love all comments. I thrive off them.

24. How do you handle bad reviews or comments?

Honestly I’m lucky enough that I haven’t received any. Everyone has been really accepting and encouraging and I really appreciate the respect people have for each other in this family of ours.

25. If you could change anything in any of your stories, what would it be?

This is more of a broad answer but I wish I was better at describing scenes. Feelings and dialogue I can handle, but my weakness is creating a setting. I’m terrible at it. If I could go back and rewrite in beautiful descriptions of places and events in my stories I would, but I can’t.

26. What is your favorite story you’ve ever written? Any fandom?

I realize it only has a prologue so far, but from what I can tell Concrete Dreams will be my favorite story of mine. Second is When the Curtain Falls.

27. What are you reading right now? Both fan fiction and general fiction?

I am currently not reading any regular fiction; my mind is completely captivated by Riverdale. The last book I read was The Paris Wife by Paula McClain. As for fanfiction:

Wicked Games by @ariquitecontrary, The Stacks by @malmo722, You Were A Kindness by Saltwaterkid95 ( @fxyeahriverdale on tumblr), What Fools These Mortals Be by GellsBells ( @gellbellshead on tumblr), and Summer Storm by @lazydaizies.

28. Do you have an advice for writers that want to get into this fandom but might be scared?

As made famous by Nike, “Just Do It.” Fuck everyone and write. If it makes you happy, write. If you can’t stop thinking about a plot, write it down. Post it. There are so many avid readers in this fandom and we are like a tight knit support group. We will support you and praise you and push you to write more. Reblog the shit out of your own work, no one cares. Talk to other writers and comment on stories you enjoy reading. Don’t be scared. Write for yourself, write for others, no matter what it is just write! Don’t contain your creativity, or it may die out one day.

[fae-fucker]

Shatter Me: Chapter 10-11

Chapter 10

Last time we were in this heck hole of a book, Adam had been revealed to be a soldier and we were introduced to Warner Bros., the resident sexy bad boy who has offered Juliette a job as his personal weapon. 

Adam leads Juliette through some hallways and she’s like totally hot for him still.

I feel him shift in the darkness and soon his body is too close so disarmingly close to mine. His hand is on my lower back and he’s guiding me through the corridors toward an unknown destination. Every inch of my skin is blushing. I have to hold myself upright to keep from falling backward into his arms.

“I’m 100% convinced this man wants to kill me but hotdamn I’d still tap that.”

I can’t even start explaining how much sense this all just makes, you know?

I’m painfully excited but I haven’t felt natural light on my skin in so long I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

This is why people hate first person narration. Fucking look at this garbage.

The air hits me first.

It’s my phantom fist.

Juliette is in awe of all the outside that she’s feeling right now before Adam stuffs her into a tank. A TANK. She also mentions soldiers looking at them and I have to wonder what kind of facility this actually is.

They drive off and Juliette angsts about how shitty everything is and how the world is dead. We also get more information -- if you can call it that -- about how the Reestablishment came into power and became the Establishment, if you will.

I remember there were rules. No more dangerous imaginations, no more prescription medications. A new generation comprised of only healthy individuals would sustain us. The sick must be locked away. The old must be discarded. The troubled must be given up to the asylums. Only the strong should survive.

Ok, so this sounds like good ole fascism right there, so this could theoretically be a thing (because it kind of is right now). It’s got that proper us-vs-them mentality that’s at the core of most authoritarian governments. But then Tahereh gets greedy:

No more stupid languages and stupid stories and stupid paintings placed above stupid mantels. No more Christmas, no more Hanukkah, no more Ramadan and Diwali. No talk of religion, of belief, of personal convictions. Personal convictions were what nearly killed us all, is what they said.

This is just dumb. People in power often use religion to justify their toxic views, and I’m having a hard time seeing humanity (which has gone to war over religion over and over again) giving up all of their religions just because some dingdongs claimed it would help.

Now, I’m not shitting on religious people here, I’m just stating the facts that I do not see humanity accepting this new hardcore atheist government that says that being a person with beliefs and convictions is bad.

Usually dictatorships and authoritarian governments are based on an us-vs-them mentality. The people in power pick a target that they label as “other” and create propaganda to “unite” the people against a common “threat”. “Our” group is presented as strong, righteous, and good to reinforce the love for their own group while strengthening the hate for the “other”.

Forcing the population to war against ... itself? Convincing a population that they’re all terrible to the point where they’ll all just go “yeah I guess we are, please control us”? I don’t see it. Many YA dystopias are based on this idea and I honestly don’t see how this could ever work. 

A potential leader telling you that you’re the best, better than that guy over there, let’s go kill him? That clearly works on a population. A potential leader telling you that you suck and that you should give them the power over you so they can fix you? That’s suspicious as fuck. This sounds more like a cult than a government, and sure, cult tactics do work, but cults target very specific individuals that they slowly groom into accepting their views, and they’re often small as a result of this and the fact that they isolate their members from society. Doing this to a whole population? Nah.

I think this kind of is a side-effect of YA authors being afraid of taking a side? You don’t wanna write about a nasty white dude taking power and making everyone believe that everyone other than a white dude is a piece of dirt because that might upset the white dudes, so you just kind of write governments that are weirdly diverse but are “evil” because they hate ... humanity in general? And we’re all humans, so clearly we’ll think they’re evil! Easy! 

This is also why YA dystopias often create worlds that are super hardcore and oppressive, but conveniently never racist or misogynistic or homophobic, so they’re somehow more advanced than we are when it comes to equality but also more barbaric. *insert I’m not [thing], I hate everyone equally joke here*

And I get it. Writing about real-life oppression mirrored in a fake world is hard and icky and uncomfortable. But if you’ve set out to write a proper dystopia and you end up with this, you do kind of cheapen it all by making your dark-haired white girl oppressed because of her cool superpower/rebel spirit while the government is made up of a diverse cast of bad guys who are all bad because the narrative said so.

I think I went off on a tangent. What I’m trying to say is: people take elements from 1984 even though the parts they take from it don’t make any dingdang sense in the context of their worlds.

Anyway, Juliette tells us that there is, in fact, an underground rebel movement that’s waiting for the right moment to strike. I don’t know how she knows that and I don’t know why they’re waiting, but whatever.

We pull up to a structure 10 times larger than the asylum and suspiciously central to civilization. From the outside it looks like a bland building, inconspicuous in every way but its size, gray steel slabs comprising 4 flat walls, windows cracked and slammed into the 15 stories. It’s bleak and bears no marking, no insignia, no proof of its true identity. 

Political headquarters camouflaged among the masses.

How bad is this camouflage that Juliette, who presumably has never been inside, is able to figure out what it is? I can’t accept the idea that she’s supposed to be super insightful, for obvious reasons. 

Chapter 11

Dirty money is dripping from the walls, a year’s supply of food wasted on marble floors, hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical aid poured into fancy furniture and Persian rugs. I feel the artificial heat pouring in through air vents and think of children screaming for clean water. I squint through crystal chandeliers and hear mothers begging for mercy. I see a superficial world existing in the midst of a terrorizing reality and I can’t move.

[...]

They filled our world with weapons aimed at our foreheads and smiled as they shot 16 candles right through our future. They killed those strong enough to fight back and locked up the freaks who failed to live up to their utopian expectations.

Ok so um. I see the point you’re trying to make here and I agree that rich people are the devil and that we should eat them, but in this world that you’ve created, this kind of makes no sense.

How ... How exactly are they “stealing” or “wasting” money if they’re in charge of the economy and the production of everything? Who exactly are they stealing from if they’ve murdered most of the population anyway? Are they paying people to have those Persian rugs made? Isn’t it more logical to assume they’ve just taken stuff that has already existed, since nobody else was using it? 

Like, you have real-life examples of how politicians and corporations get rich, and this ... this isn’t one of those ways. You don’t blast a population to death and then start producing wealth out of nowhere. New wealth doesn’t just magically appear once you’ve stolen “everything” from the population.

You know for someone who was complaining about how evil the eestablishment are for taking away art and fancy things, she sure doesn’t want any of this art or fancy things. The Reestablishment was also established (hueh) to promote a “simple” lifestyle, and yeah, usually dictatorships do that to the population while they live like kings, but Juliette hasn’t noted this hypocrisy yet, she’s just cringing at the fancy things so far.

Let’s hope she does.

Whatever. Juliette is all disgusted with the luxury around her and sees blood all over (See because she thinks people have been sacrificed to Big Corporate for all this fancy stuff. It’s poetic you see because poor people have uuuuh died for all this stuff and all that.), so much so that she has a breakdown.

I’m in the air. I’m a bag of feathers in [Adam’s] arms and he’s breaking through soldiers crowding around for a glimpse of the commotion and for a moment I don’t want to care that I shouldn’t want this so much. I want to forget that I’m supposed to hate him, that he betrayed me, that he’s working for the same people who are trying to destroy the very little that’s left of humanity and my face is buried in the soft material of his shirt and my cheek is pressed against his chest and he smells like strength and courage and the world drowning in rain. I don’t want him to ever ever ever ever let go of my body. I wish I could touch his skin, I wish there were no barriers between us.

Ok so first you get all upset over how these guys are evil for having all this stuff, and the next second you’re creaming yourself about how you totally wanna bang this dude you don’t know and who you’re convinced wants to kill or otherwise hurt you?

Makes that whole previous freakout seem a bit cheap now, dontcha think?

Juliette begs Adam to kill her because she just can’t handle how horny she is for him how rich and evil these people are, but he’s like naw dawg, can’t kill the protagonist in a trilogy this early. 

Adam takes her to a room and Juliette complains about how pretty and luxurious it is.

Listen. I don’t care how strong her ess-joo spirit is. Girl has been locked up in a cell all alone for 200+ days. Justice for the poor should be at the very back of her head, not her main concern. She should be shitting herself with joy right now.

“Please don’t let go of me put me down,” I tell him.

Tahereh ... sweetie. You can’t do this in dialogue. That’s not ... that’s not how anything works. Did she actually say this and then quickly correct herself? I should be enchanted by this riveting dialogue, not be taken out of the experience trying to figure out if this girl has two voices like she’s possessed by Pazuzu.

Juliette asks Adam to leave her alone, which he says isn’t an option, since Warner Bros. considers her a threat and has thus decided that Adam must watch her at all times. Which means he’ll be moving in.

Yikes. I know it’s all a (rather fanfiction-y) setup for their “romance”, but still, how creepy and uncomfortable is that?

I want to hate him and judge him and scream forever but I’m failing because all I see is an 8-year-old boy who doesn’t remember that he used to be the kindest person I ever knew.

Yeah, can’t wait until he’s suddenly written to be super evil so Warner Bros. can swoop in and save you. 

And, really? “I know he’ll be invading my privacy for who knows how long and I’m pretty sure he wants me harm or at least wouldn’t mind inflicting it if ordered, but he was a nice kid back in school, so I can’t bring myself to hate him!” Great.

Adam tells her that she has to change into less icky clothes and says that there’s a bathroom. 

I see a door connected to the room and I’m suddenly curious. I’ve heard stories about people with bathrooms in their bedrooms. I guess they’re not exactly in the bedroom, but they’re close enough.

1) This narration is completely OOC for Juliette, and also really dumb.

2) So we went from “fuck all this rich people crap!!” to “ooh, my own bathroom? sweet!!” Consistency who?

 Adam says that there are no cameras in the bathroom, which means that there are cameras in the bedroom. Juliette is only mildly concerned with this.

Adam says that Warner Bros. will be expecting her for dinner, and then goes to show her how the stuff in the bathroom works. 

He then acts a bit weird, looking around and putting his finger to his lips to tell her to be quiet, and Juliette assumes he’s about to rape her and wishes she could kill herself.

He of course isn’t and leaves when he realizes why she’s freaking out.

So uh. This suddenly got dark. 

[countrybunkingbabes-blog]

Phnom Penh Day 1

We finally recovered from our drinking bender and bizarre sleeping pattern and were filled with energy when we arrived early in Phnom Penh at 6 am (actually maybe our sleeping pattern was still fucked...) anyways as we hopped off the bus a guy was like u staying in Phnom Penh?! And I replied yes really enthusiastically coz I was so excited and then realised he'd asked because he was a tuk tuk man and since I didn't know how to deal with the situation he waited outside the 24 hr cafe we went into and kept looking in the window to make sure we were still there. He gave up after like an hour and a half and we made our way to our accommodation, dropped our bags, admired our 3 euro private room and set out to the Tuol Sleng genocide museum. This museum had been known as the S21 prison under the Khmer Rouge. It simple terms, this school-turned-prison now memorialises the horror and torture which the Angkar (or Khmer Rouge) inflicted upon anyone who was suspected of questioning their rule. The communist group glorified hard labour and traditional times and condemned modern urban dwelling, formal education and religious belief. Their rule lasted a mere 4 years (1975-79), but, in spite of this, accumulated a death toll of ~3 million from starvation, disease or murder. The images within the prison walls today were gruesome and surreal; it was really hard to understand how this was considered acceptable. In other ways, the experience showed how easy it could be: combine the potency of a utopian ideology, the witnessing of graphic violence, and the ever present fear of disobedience and retaliation and you see how self-preservation shines through. What the guards inflicted or witnessed was brutal. The image that remains with me is a painting done by a former prisoner where a naked woman is tied down and bleeding, and centipedes are being placed on her sores and genitals. One guard admitted that he took the prohibition of sexual relations and his personal sexual frustration out on female prisoners violently. Another image shows the remains of a persons face, barely distinguishable, as his face is caved in and black with blood. Rows and rows and walls and walls of mugshots documented the extent to which Cambodian people suffered in these prisons. There are mugshots of mothers holding babies who have been incarcerated by association and images of women who have their children in their cells after being raped by prison officers. Even though class was central to the Angkar's beliefs, they exploited the young, uneducated working class, recruiting them and repeating slogans incessantly to burn their values into the minds of as many impressionable people as possible. To me this felt so hypocritical. Especially as Pol Pot, the figurehead, studied in a French University and discovered communism amidst his elite path and then felt entitled to deprive the worth of knowledge and education to everyone else. Though communism may have beauty at its heart, a utopian ideology means nothing when violence is its tool. Having studied bits of victimology and terrorism and political violence, some moments in the museum really resonated with me. Ideas surrounding justifications for violence, revenge or reconciliation, human dignity, blame, national trauma, intergenerational victimisation, responsibility and who are the real victims of this period were insightful and soothing; photos of a former head of the prison and a former prisoner laughing together inspired so much shock and admiration from me. The aim of this place was not to sensationalise or capitalise, but to teach and reflect. At the end of the museum an old man called out to me and saoirse and we realised he was one of the surviving prisoners of the time!! I couldn't speak I just felt so shy and embarrassed and amazed and inadequate thinking of everything he had been through and how kind his eyes remained. He was selling his story but i wanted to go see a free talk they had there that was starting so I said I'd go back after. The woman who spoke had not been imprisoned but her life had been turned upside down by the Khmer Rouge when they forced mass evacuations from big cities and caused many deaths in that process of harsh, rapid migration and homelessness. She spoke of the hard work she had been subjected to with only 2 spoons of rice to eat a day. She had been separated from her mother and then reunited at age 7. Her instinct was to run and hug her mum but her mum pushed her away in an effort to keep her safe through that distance. She went on to tell her daughter different lessons in how to care for herself and survive. (I burst out crying at this point - I'm a sucker for anything that makes me imagine life without the strong guiding influence of my mum). She was only 11 when she was expected to dig a hole one metre deep and wide in a day, and where failure to meet the assigned targets meant only one spoon of rice. You had to avoid crying in those days because it would be interpreted as dissatisfaction with the regime and you would be punished for it. The audio tour included a number of survivors stories and even excerpts from the trial against a key officer running the S21. Victim impact statements from court were also available to listen to, and so so moving. A very instinctual drive for revenge was articulated by one, who wanted to make his mum proud, but she told him that was not what she wished for. She told him she just wanted him to be happy, and he realised this violent urge only perpetuated his feelings of anger and grief. Many spoke of the healing power within religion, advocacy and legal justice and recognition. Ending on this hopeful note was uplifting, and did make me admire the resilience and strength of humankind. The woman who spoke has her own children and grandchildren now and her voice radiated the love she felt for them. It's amazing how people have managed to thrive and love and connect after such violence and bitterness. That visit has inspired me to share this Cambodian history with as many people as possible, through advocacy, college assignments and general conversation as it's overarching message was stressing the significance of history as preventing future crimes against humanity from occurring and the validation of what happened as barbaric, unjust and undeserved. It made me a little angry to see how little we do know about others history and Cambodia's national trauma as our education orbits ourselves and our white, western counterparts despite the gravity of suffering endured in all other parts of the world. This feeling has resurfaced a number of times already (we have since visited the killing fields and war remnants museum). As I took notes on everything we spent about 4-5 hours there and ate into our afternoon where we had meant to see the palace. Instead we got lunch from an authentic chay restaurant and paid about 1.50 for some beautiful noodle soup. We wandered around the area by the river and tried again to get some happy pizza. It worked this time. We shared one between us and it could have been MD it was so strong. We planned on going to this drag show in a gay bar and having just the one beer and a mellow high as our last bender was still fresh in our minds but, once again, our plan to be sensible was sabotaged. My heart felt like it was on fire and I tried to take my socks and shoes off in the busy bar. I was gaping at the performers with my jaw practically on the floor and when we tried dancing I felt like we were moving so slowly and saoirse thought we were dancing super fast. The performance was unlike any other drag we'd seen as the performers dressed convincingly feminine, not in the usual exaggerated way, and it was so aggressively sexual. They humped the stage and deep throated cucumbers and mauled onto members of the audience. Shortly after the end of the performance we left slightly scared and went for freezing showers to recover. After that we just let ourselves pass out.

[winds--of--change]

No.490

1: You are sad you are crying why?

2: I don't know

1: You just wanted to meet him. And you finally did. Your wish came true, why are you still feeling alone crying?

2: I don't know. Maybe it's just alcohol effect.

1: You missed the dinner with him and blamed yourself for that? Because you thought he was playing the game and pretended to be busy to make you back off and leave by yourself, for he did not want to have dinner with you in the first place.

2: But why would I care just for a dinner? There is nothing in future, one dinner would not make any difference.

1: Just because of your ego I guess, that it says you need proper dinner with him as he owed you that, and that you need treat yourself better instead of going home eating alone instant noodle then drinking alone and crying over...something I still have no idea ...

2: I'm just being emotional because I am weird.

1: Yeah. I think you are really weird lol

2: It doesn't matter just a dinner with him, I know. I think I'm just crying over something I have no idea for maybe that's just how my body works to get going tomorrow, smiling still and being cheerful like never ever before sadness and tears have taken over.... I don't know. We are all little weird anyway, no?

1: And maybe it's Love. We both know, you do Love him. And that's why it's sad, because it hurts. That he doesn't belong to you, that you can't trust him, it's just ....well little bit of heart-broken, you are just too immature that's why you don't know it well how to articulate yourself, only with drinks and you finally remove all judgemental and mental barriers, that you come to your most honest feelings, that you CRY and are still crying, because of him, because you feel alone, so alone because he cannot be more than you can expect, that even you and him, skin to skin being most intimate together, you guys are still alone, lone individuals, that's it that's all. Though you guys shared most intimate time together, you guys are alone. And that's why you feel complete sadness, that's why you are crying, you are crying for the loneliness of this world, of human beings, that nothing could help even most intimate act of skinship, nothing could change the fact that we are all alone, always, ALONE.

2: ....

1: It's LOVE. NOT maybe, it's LOVE. And that's why it hurts. Because love is not reciprocated. Because it's not mutual love, because it's love without future, that's why there are tears.

2: Okay.... Guess so....... Ah what can I do. I ended up changing my profile picture and literally asking every most random Facebook friends to 'like' my new profile picture while being drunk. LOVE. What the fuck is that? But at least I do love, no longer resist, but just go with the flow, it hurts, chest pain, and it's negative sometimes, that made me leave him without dinner even though he did call back and leave message later explaining, but I didn't choose to believe him.... I think I HAVE CHOSEN to be a dystopian instead of an utopian..... I chose to be unhappy instead of being happy..... I don't know why. I want to be happy. But as Buddha said, 'happiness' means you forget the ego which is 'I', leaving out the desire which is 'want' and so you will be just...happy. Since you say "I WANT TO BE HAPPY" you put in so much of your ego the 'I' and your desire, your 'want' and that's how you haven't reached happiness. I want so much happiness right now I won't get it, simply because of my ego and strong desire. You know....................Ah I don't know anymore. I'm just too alone I need somebody. I'm just very lonely, I'm so alone....

1: Yeah?

2: Wtf I'm alone can you see that?

1: Well but everyone is. Till they found someone...

2: Exactly! I'm sick of being no one. I want to find someone too.

1: Dear, but you need to go through the procedure, nothing comes out of impatient process you know, you have always been impatient, and guess what you have got....

2: Because I have always been alone. And I need someone. I want someone.

1: But not just anyone yeah, you want the right one. That's why, dear, you need to be patient and wait, nothing can just come out easily without efforts you know.

2: WHAT IS LIFE?????

1: NOTHING. There is no meaning in it, you know that already.

2: ...

1: And we, human beings, just act, always take actions, like he said, ACCEPT and ALLOW, and somehow it becomes our pattern and way of living, as long as we trust that it's what we want for living.

2: How can I trust it?

1: You will. It's already in you. And you know your instincts will guide you well. Don't worry.

2: Will there be True Love?

1: ALWAYS. There will be Miracles too. Don't worry. Life is more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

2: O-kayyyy....

1: Go to sleep okay. You're gonna be home soon, take a rest, playing piano often and go swimming, you will be fine Dear. You will always be fine. Don't be sad. SMILE. Life is beautiful. Your life is gonna be interesting anyway. Live it, enjoy it, and cheers. Everything will work out. It all works out in the end. You know that.

2: I know. I will be fine. No matter what, I will be fine. Thank you.

1: Yup. We are all gonna be fine. Life is gonna be amazing. Don't worry. Love yourself. Trust your instincts. And let go of things that do not belong to you. You will be fine Dear, you will always be fine.

2: Thank you. I will be okay. Thank you.

1: Good night. Tomorrow is gonna be another day. Another day.

2: Yup. Another day. Sunny and awesome!

1: Love you,

2: Love you too. Good night!