#i know it's fleeting! it's happened enough for me to recognise it and try to get on top of it

[sakuraspoke]

the neurodivergent urge to doom spiral at any minor setback i perceive to be an irredeemable personal failure

[happilyhertale]

Good Girl – Modern Daemon Targaryen x fem!reader

Summary: At your husband's company Christmas party, you both had enough to drink to enjoy the special togetherness.

Pairing: Modern Daemon Targaryen x fem!reader

Warnings: Smut; 18+; NSFW; Oral (m receiving)

Author’s note: As we are already celebrating Christmas here on Christmas Eve, I wish you all a wonderful Christmas! x3

English is my second language, please forgive me if I made any mistakes (:

Word count: 1.3 k

Other stories of mine

12 days of smuff

In the midst of the festive celebration, Christmas tunes echo through the room, enticing some to sway to the gentle rhythm and fill the dance floor. Diverse faces fill the room, reflecting the culmination of another triumphant year for your husband's company. The cheers extend beyond the staff, as the company's valued customers are invited to join in the celebration.

Over the course of the evening, Daemon talks animatedly with various people. But every time you pass him, he takes the opportunity to tenderly stroke your arm or give you a fleeting kiss on the lips or neck.

The hall, resplendent in seasonal splendour, exudes the delightful scent of cinnamon and mulled wine and elicits you a constant smile. Maybe that's why you've already had a few drinks. You stroll leisurely through the crowd, savouring your drink and watching the harmonious movements of the dancing couples.

A smile plays around your lips as you happen to spot a table with mistletoe on it. Without hesitation, you grab it and put your glass aside, determined to find your beloved.

With the mistletoe in your hand, you walk through the crowd in search of Daemon. But you don't find him straight away. There are men in suits everywhere, but no Daemon among them. Undeterred, you continue your search until you spot him and realise that he is watching you from a far corner.

With his drink in hand, a knowing smile plays around his lips and his eyes are fixed solely on you. As you approach him, your grin widens as you hide the mistletoe behind your back. Now that you are closer, you also recognise the effects of his drinking, a notion that strangely fascinates you.

As you stand in front of him, he grins as much as you do, but as you are shorter, you have to look up to meet his gaze. Before a word is exchanged, you stand on tiptoe and try to place the mistletoe above his head. His gaze rises briefly, accompanied by a light laugh.

"You have to kiss me... That promises happiness and eternal love," you whisper, grinning slightly in anticipation of what will follow. Without hesitation, Daemon leans down and begins a tender kiss. His arms wrap around you and pull you closer to him. The roles swap, and a short laugh escapes you as Daemon breaks the kiss, his eyes fixed on you, a slight furrow in his brow.

"I've never made a woman laugh when I've kissed her..." he mutters, and the traces of intoxication are clearly audible in his speech. You quickly shake your head, "No, that's not what I meant.."

Before you can finish your sentence, Daemon takes your hand and leads you away, into a secluded corner. The sounds of conversation and laughter fade into the distance as he pulls you closer to him. But you notice him leaning slightly against the wall to support himself, which makes you smile.

"Then show me what you meant," he murmurs and his breath mingles with your hair. Your attention returns to what's about to follow and your response is a slight lip-biting as you savour the intimacy of the moment.

A brief kiss meets his lips before you sink to your knees. Your hands glide gently down his body, feeling every muscle. A gentle grip on your hair signals his anticipation, which is also reflected in his smile. Your hands come to a stop at his belt, slowly starting to undo it as you notice the bulge in his crotch getting bigger. With a clink, his belt gives way and you turn to his trousers, don't hesitate for long and reach in, freeing his hot member.

Your mouth waters as you bite your lip. Your fingers embrace his length, your thumb glides slowly over the tip before you pump him a few times, gently moving your hand up and down and hearing Daemon hiss. He watches you closely and now strokes his hand through your hair almost tenderly.

"Show Daddy what a good girl you can be," he murmurs, and you don't hesitate for long and obey. Your lips now do the work of your hand and enclose his hard manhood. Your head moves up and down and you start to suck. Your gaze is fixed on Daemon, who is breathing harder and harder and leaning further against the wall. But you feel his hand grip your hair tighter and his fingers curl as he hears you moan.

"Such a good girl... Sucks Daddy's cock so good," Daemon grunts, but his voice is replaced by a moan. You do your best to take his cock all the way into your mouth, but you gag slightly as Daemon thrusts his hips forwards. Daemon moans again, the grip in your hair tightening as his hips thrust forward once more.

As you take him deep into your mouth, work your tongue around the underside and start to speed up, following the movements of his hips. You hollow your cheeks, your eyes always on Daemon. You whimper slightly and try to breathe calmly through your nose, but you can feel your own arousal kicking in and slowly soaking your panties.

"Your mouth is so perfect... Always so willing to receive my cock..." you hear Daemon grunt in praise and the praise floods your body with desire. You know what's behind his words, but it was also flattering and you never got tired of hearing it. Your eyes meet and you can see the desire in his eyes, the look of praise. He places his hand on your jaw as your mouth takes him all in. His thumb strokes the side of your full mouth as your moan vibrates through his cock.

"My good girl," Daemon grunts again, but you sense that he's about to pump his cum deep down your throat. You let your mouth glide faster over his length, alternating with a gentle tongue game on the tip of his cock.

Daemon groans loudly, his hand now gripping your hair almost brutally and he breathes heavily as if he's just completed a marathon. A low growl escapes his lips as he thrusts as far into you as he can, and you eagerly take his cock into your mouth.

"Fuck yes..." he moans as your hand suddenly grips his balls and massages them while your mouth works its wonders.

"Be a good girl and swallow my juice," he moans and thrusts deep into your throat. He moans loudly and wets your mouth with white. As his cock shoots its first shot, he can see your eyes widen briefly in surprise. You gag briefly, but do your best to swallow his cum. Your hand closes tighter around his balls while your eyes are fixed on Daemon. He groans as he feels the pressure and empties himself completely into your mouth. His eyes close as his hips jerk a few more times.

Breathing heavily, he loosens his grip on your hair and strokes it almost gently again. You slowly release him from your mouth, licking gently along his length to leave him clean. He gasps a little, but smiles back at you as you stand up again, his hand on your cheek.

His hand slides down your neck and pulls you closer to him, kissing you passionately.

"How about we go home? I could spoil my good girl a little..." he murmurs against your lips. You giggle slightly in anticipation and nod at him.

"That laugh again..," he mumbles as he pulls the zip of his trousers back up, then takes your hand and pulls you with him – the smile never leaving your lips.

@hoshi-miharu-blog @arryn-nyx @aemonds-eyeball @praline357 @melsunshine @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @lauftivy @valeskafics @dreamlandcreations @hopelesswritergall @wetbitchlibrary @bl4ckph0enix @autumnhymns @fan-goddess @msmorningstaarr @aemondsbabe

[imsofthelp]

Category: smut, angst

Warnings: smoking, sort of jjk spoilers but not really stated clearly, angsty, cursing, gojo being smitten is a warning of it’s own

Summary: Your ability allows you to see visions of the future. Once you see your lover dead, you can’t help but want to pull away and keep him safe

***

Satoru awakes when the sun is about to rise and colour the world in molten gold. It’s not a peaceful awakening, not the usual smell of coffee you brewed after slipping out of his grasp in the early hours of the morning and not the sound of you humming a melody only known to you.

Your screams tug at the strings of his heart in a way he didn’t even think was possible and before he’s even fully awake, his muscular arms reach out to wrap themselves around you, their goal to comfort and to ground you. He was still here and you were still safe.

Your eyes flutter open and closed like the wings of a butterfly, breathing erratic and uneven.

Gojo was always a selfish man and how could he not be if almost everyone worshipped not only him but the ground he walked on. A god amongst mortals, an angel meant to erase the sins of the humanity. Right now, he would do anything to take your pain away, to ease the trembling of your cold hands and calm down the way your heart is beating too fast.

A worse side of your technique, being able to summon anything you dreamed of last night, were the obscure visions of the future.

He’s learned not to ask right after, to allow you time to calm down and get your voice back. He’s more worried about you than curious about the future. A fleeting thought that this would never be the case for anyone else but you comes and goes.

When you do finally speak, your voice is croaky and barely audible, muttered into his dark shirt.

“You were dead.”

Three short words and his hands that have been stroking your back softly, freeze. Satoru thinks he misheard you. The idea of him dying is simply ridiculous. Who would be able to kill the strongest sorcerer alive? Sure, he’s had his doubts about Sukuna, but he’s certain he’d win if it came down to it.

“Darling, are you sure that it was me? Your visions are often unclear.”

Is all he thinks to say and his hands come back to your back, motions slow and comforting. Satoru doesn’t want you to know that his heart skipped a beat, that he’s a tad bit worried, ever since your visions about Nanami came true. Ever since all your interferences with the future proved to be fruitless. Ever since they had no body to bury.

Your face finally lifts up, chin resting on his chest, eyes red-rimmed and tearful. His hand touches your cheek and it’s hot to the touch.

“It was the clearest one I’ve ever had, Satoru.” you take a moment to gather your thoughts, to take a deep breath. The vision is engrained into your mind, playing over and over like a broken record. “I tr- fuck, tried to save you and it didn’t work. Nothing worked, I couldn’t- I was too weak to save you.”

And you burst into tears again, soft, heaving sobs slipping past your soft lips. If Satoru thought that it had hurt before, he doesn’t know what to compare this to. He briefly thinks of Suguru, but ultimately brushes it off.

He mumbles your name and kisses your forehead as softly as he can manage. All he knows is violence and fighting and surviving, but with you, he manages to hide all the ragged edges just enough.

“Ah.” Is all Satoru says for a moment, a hum of acknowledgement. He’s speechless for a moment as his worst suspicions are suddenly confirmed. Satoru doesn’t have to dwell on the thought that he cares more about what happens to you than to him. “What happens to you… In this vision?”

You slowly blink up at him, eyes glazed for a moment. He recognises that expression as you trying to recall every single detail of the vision. It’s so bittersweet, Satoru thinks, that you don’t even remember seeing yourself in that vision, only caring about him.

Soon, you come back to him, brows furrowed and expression drowned in worry.

“I try to heal you and… And I don’t even notice Sukuna coming back behind me. It hurts, for a bit, and then it’s dark. The vision ends.”

Gojo swallows and closes his eyes for a moment. What is he supposed to say? His jaw is tense, and when his eyes open again, he finds you even more worried than before.

“Love… Listen, that’s not going to happen, alright? I’ll make sure of it.”

He rewards you with one more kiss on your forehead as if that would help. He’d like to think that, but he finds himself horribly mistaken when you slip out of his grasp. You’re still only in your shirt and underwear, the only accessories being the bruises left on your hips that are now covered.

You rummage through the drawers and he sits up to observe. Your still trembling hands reach for a pack of cigarettes and a baby pink lighter. Gojo never liked you doing that. He never cared for alcohol and nicotine, choosing to see his body as a temple.

He worshipped you a lot, whispering prayers of your name a lot more than prayers he would in a temple, but clearly not enough.

“You really think death isn’t coming to us? Even after Shibuya?”

You shook your head and slipped out to the large balcony attached to the bedroom. Everything in his apartment was expensive and you often complained about feeling out of place. Of course, Satoru thought that you were right where you’re supposed to be.

When he climbs out of bed, he doesn’t need to shake away the sleep. It’s like a second nature to follow you out, the cold air of the early morning biting at his skin. He always has his infinity off when with you. Satoru doesn’t want you to feel like you could ever be denied the comfort of his touch.

He finds you smoking. The white trails leave your lips and disappear into the air as if they were never there. He finds himself at a loss of words once again. A strange and foreign feeling.

Satoru’s arms wrap around your waist and he slumps his large body over you like an oversized heated blanket. For you, he can ignore the smell of the cigarettes.

“Darling, please, listen. There’s nothing that could stop me from protecting you. I won’t let anyone harm you, ever.”

Satoru is careful not to say ‘as long as I’m alive’, bites his tongue to not let it slip. If this vision proves to be as truthful as your prior ones, he might have to reconsider the promises before making them.

You take another long drag before sighing softly. He doesn’t know that you’re also reconsidering your words.

“I don’t care about what happens to me, Satoru. You die.”

And your words hurt, he can feel the physical pain in his chest, his heart clenching. How could you ever say that? How could you put his life above yours? So many would, so many would disregard another sorcerer’s life for his, but never you. At the start of the relationship, he had made it clear that you were equals. Everything was back to base one.

“Please.” he’s used to people begging him, worshipping him, not the other way around. Once again, he is reminded, that for you he can be mortal, ordinary and nothing special. A normal person without the weight of the whole sorcerer society depending on him. “I’m begging you to not say such things. How can you disregard your life just like that?”

You stay quiet for a while and then put out your cigarette, turning to him. He notices the tears in your eyes and his immediate instinct is to wipe them off. He wants to give you space, though so he stays glued to the floor.

“I think my visions are not a warning. A warning would mean that the future could be changed, for better or for worse, anyway. We have tried so many times.” the words are quiet and your tone utterly defeated. You’re similar to a kicked dog right now. Yet, your eyes rise up and you come back to the hand that feeds. “We’ve tried so many times and It has never suceeded. Nanamin is still dead, Sukuna is still alive. It’s a curse more than a gift.”

Gojo wants to wish it all away. Your pain and your sorrows, your worries and your decreasing self-worth. He knows that there is nothing he can do to stop your mind from spiralling.

He whispers your name but you don’t allow him to speak, your hands raised.

“I think it’s just like… Someone saying to me ‘here is your future, take it and deal with it’ and…”

This time, Satoru is the one not allowing you to finish your words. He can’t listen to this anymore, can’t listen to this unchangable future shit. The future is always shifting, things are always happening and transforming the events, preventing them from happening and creating new ones.

“So that’s it? You’re accepting your fate and not trying to change it? And you’re fine with that?”

He can’t keep his voice from rising in volume, pretty, perfect face scrunched up. Satoru doesn’t know how to shake sense into you, how to make you see that you both can still change the future, prevent your deaths.

“I am fine.”

Is all you say, before putting the cigarette out and slipping back inside. Your skin is covered in goosebumps. His feet follow you before his mind can catch up.

“You clearly are not.” Satoru says as you pace around the room, not knowing what to do with yourself. He’s right behind you. It’s an instinct to try to calm you down. “Will you just listen to me? Nothing’s happening to me, or you. Fuck the future, fuck everything.”

You finally fall into his arms, but Satoru doesn’t dare sigh in relief. You’re about to say something again, and he’s about to give you more logical arguments. A cursed circle that never stops running. What can he even do to stop it?

“I think… I think that you’re a god, and I’m your dog.” you say and Satoru’s voice hitches in his throat. What was going on in your head right now, to make you say something like that, to even think something like that. “You tell me to stop worrying and I do, you demand me to calm down and I listen. Ultimately, you tell me to jump and I ask you ‘how high?’.”

Satoru freezes, the hands that held you limp by his sides as he pulls away. It was so completely unlike you, so unnatural. The visions have completely broken you and he doesn’t know how to bring you back, he really doesn’t, god he doesn’t know what to do.

“You are my dog?” he repeats, his tone harsher than before as he fails to wrap his head around the idea that you could say such a thing. “Are you still dizzy from your visions or are you taking a shot at making me upset?”

He shakes his head and pulls away from you, his large hands on your shoulders.

“It’s the truth.” you respond, avoiding his harsh gaze, pretending not to notice the weight of his hands on your shoulders.

“Well, I think your truth is stupid.” he retorts, hands shaking as he pulls them away from you, as if your skin burned him.

“And I think you should leave me.”

The words leave you and it’s like the time stops for Satoru. It’s a punch to his ego. Does he not love you enough? Not cherish you enough? Do you see him as the kind of man that would leave as soon as things got hard? How foolish, how utterly stupid.

“What are you saying now?” he all but yells, his temper no longer controlled as you look up at him with those teary eyes. What can he even do? What is he supposed to do?

Your whole body is shaking as you turn away from him. “In my vision, you died saving me. Leaving me can change the future.”

And suddenly, it all clicks for him. Why you were so insistant to push him away, why you seemed so hopeless. Protecting him by hurting yourself. How completely selfless, how utterly stupid.

“Oh, honey that’s…” he pulls you to him, wrapping his body around you until there’s nothing but him. His pretty girl is in tears. his pretty, perfect girl hurting. “I would never leave you, my love. Never once in a million lifetimes. I’m yours, darling, and you’re mine. We talked about the red string theory once and I’m afraid that I’m tied to you, hm?”

It’s not a question and he’s trailing kisses down your exposed neck. Your arms raise up on instinct and Satoru slips your, well, his shirt off of you. He knows you need him right now, to bring you back, to assure you, once again, that he’s yours, that he’ll stay despite everything.

Satoru lays you down on the bed as if you’re the most precious treasure and you look up at him, with those wide eyes, handing him your trust along with your heart.

“My pretty girl, my perfect girl.” he drawls, pressing kisses along your exposed chest and down your belly, until he reaches your underwear, playfully biting the little bow on them. “Can I take these off?”

You nod, but that’s not enough for him and he nips at the skin of your thigh, causing you to yelp. “Words, pretty girl.”

“Yes.” you answer, after a beat of silence.

And he’s granted heaven. Satoru slides off your underwear and tosses them somewhere into the room. More soft kisses follow and your breath hitches when his lips kiss where you need him most.

His skilled tongue flicks over your clit and your back immediately arches off of the bed. Coming down from so many emotions and reaching so many new ones left you more sensitive than ever.

Gojo chuckles and repeats the motion, before obliging your quiet whine with a practiced clockwise motion. He repeats the motion a few more times, revelling at the taste of you and the sound of your whines and soft moans. His pretty pretty girl.

He carefully enters one finger into you and immediately finds the spot that has you gasping. With each motion, he brings you back to himself, back to being completely his, none of that silly nonsense you were spewing before. He adds another, when he deems you wet enough.

Two of his fingers are already so much more than yours could ever be and the way his tongue keeps flicking over your clit in all the right ways has you moaning his name like a prayer. Truly, he’s the one praying to you.

“Ngh- Sa-Satoru, I-“

You don’t need to finish your sentence in order for him to know what you’ll say next. The flutter of your eyelashes and the way you squeeze his fingers so hard that he’s barely able to move them in and out is a telltale sign.

“You can cum, pretty girl. Mm, my pretty girl.”

He mumbles and then his tongue gets back to it’s former movements. You come with a high-pitched whine and he’s glad to finally taste you. Ambrosia couldn’t compare.

You come back down from your high and he’s already hovering over you, mouth wiped clean as he presses a bunch of butterfly kisses over your skin, anything he can touch.

He’s content with just pleasing you, with having you even a step closer to him. Back to where you are supposed to be. What a silly thought, that he’d ever consider leaving you when he looked at you like you hung the stars in the sky, the way he has never looked at anyone else.

Your eyes open and focus on him as you kiss him back, as soft as you can manage. Your hands bury into his hair and you have the adoring look back in your gaze. Even if it’s for a little while, before your worries start up again, he’s content.

“Want more, Toru, want you.”

Satoru swears that his eyes light up once he hears your words. You’re taking another step towards him, you’re almost back to him. “Are you sure, my love?”

You nod eagerly and it’s enough for him to take his clothes off. Your eyes are focused on his strong body, the sculpted muscles, the light hair that trails from his bellybutton right to his length.

He lays over you, careful not to let his weight fall onto you, always so careful with you. He rubs his cock over your pussy, covering it with your slick, attentive to make the intrusion as easy and pleasurable as possible.

He’s careful when he slides the tip in yet you still let out a soft whine. Satoru is a big man, towering over everyone no matter what room he’s in, it only makes sense that his cock is big, too. Doesn’t really help that he’s quite gifted on top of that.

“I know, I know, yeah. Hold onto me, darling. Mm, my love is doing so well.”

He feeds inch after inch of his large cock into you, watching your reactions deliberately, making sure not to hurt you.

Both you and Satoru moan when his pelvis meets yours, the sensation euphoric. His thrusts start out slow. He pulls almost all the way out before thrusting back in. Your head falls back onto the pillow as your moans get louder. He’s the only man who’s able to fuck you like this, to reach all the spots inside of you that make your eyes water.

“Do you feel good, darling? Am I making my perfect girl feel good.”

Your hands go over to cover your face and he tuts, pulling them away and gathering your wrists in one of his hands. It never fails to surprise you on how big they are. He, however, wants to see every reaction and hear every sound leaving you.

“Y-Yes, so good, feels so good.” You manage between loud moans. Screw the neighbours, Satoru thinks, screw everyone who isn’t you and him.

“Yeah? I feel good, too. So good, baby, so good. You’re perfect for me, the gods created you for me, yeah? So no more nonsense about me leaving.”

Your face heats up and back arches. His words reach you and then float around your otherwise empty mind.

His thrusts get quicker and less calculated as his head is thrown back. A quiet sigh of contentment leaves his pretty, glossy lips.

“Yeah, that’s right. No one. But us. Exists. Right now.” Satoru punctuates each little word with a deep thrust, breaths uneven, eyes closed in pleasure. “And we’ll overwrite the future if need be. If it means I get to stay. Then so be it.”

Another long, languid thrust and you come, nails dragging over his back as he spills into you, filling you with warmth.

You both take a moment to catch your breaths and soon, Satoru rolls off of you, his softened dick slipping out. He pulls you close to himself and presses a kiss to your forehead as you’re dozing off.

“Meant what I said. I’m staying and you won’t get rid off me, yeah? I love you more than I love anyone else, would die for you, kill for you… Perfect girl, my perfect girl.”

Satoru is not sure if you hear him before falling asleep, but he’ll be sure to remind you, should you ever forget again.

[notasapleasure]

Wild hopes for Andor S2:

Oh, apparently blorbo *might* be in the trailer? Riding a speeder on Dantooine you say? Aughhhh don't toy with my emotions like this!!

So for posterity, before anything about s2 does actually become clear, my vague hopes/'if I got to write their story' headcanons for my Ferrix badasses are a jumble of the following:

I don't see them immediately going back to Ferrix, they're recognisable (Bix is known to the Empire, Wilmon will be known by association with Salman, Bee is known as Maarva's droid, they had an eye on Brasso as 'the big guy' even before he fucked shit up with the funerary brick...and I can't remember Jezzi doing anything specific but she'll have been seen round Maarva's home and funeral), and riot or not, I'd say the Empire will be in the mood to make an example of Ferrix rather than to go 'oops our bad we'll leave you in peace'. So it seems a bad idea for the fugitives to return there for their rebellion as soon as they've left.

On that ship we know there's a skilled electrician (Wilmon) and mechanic (Bix), and I've always presumed Brasso must know his way around a ship well enough to be able to take it apart, and that Jezzi has some similarly Ferrixian industrial skill. I thought it would be very sexy if they all got involved in making/repurposing tech for the rebellion. In my heart of hearts they're patching together the first fleet of X-Wings.

Orange. Ferrix orange (Brasso's felt jacket orange) and rebel pilot orange. And there's the shot of Cassian in an orange pilot's suit in the trailer. I just. I just have hopes. And dreams. And colour was so significant in Rogue One (the red of the force/rebellion...there was an awesome post on here pointing out way more examples than I'd noticed, but I always think of the lining of Jyn's vest). Maybe it's reclaiming Narkina orange, even? But the look of the Ferrix clothes reminds me so much of the OT aesthetic, I think that's got to be the more likely connection.

Bee? Kay? Do they meet? ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ trying to suppress the thought 'what if Bee helps to make Kay possible?' but the thought has been thunk. (ETA: NOT into the theory that they're the same person that's not what I mean. I'm talking hardware donation. Wires and chips. Not personality)

Dantooine. Dantooine base. After all this time!!!! What Legends book did I first read about the base on Dantooine in?? idek but if I'd ever written the epic angsty plot follow-up to that one fic (only ever just one night) it would have involved the Ferrix gang making X-Wings work on Dantooine :') I have feelings about Brasso the wrecker learning to make things instead :))

It should go without saying that I want to see Bix channel her healing into getting stuff done and fucking up the Empire.

I guess my feeling is that if we're time-skipping over a five year period in a, what, 12 episode season? There's not time for a huge arc for all the Ferrix characters alongside everything else the show needs to cover. My cautious assumption is that this either means a load of them get killed off/sidelined early, or they're kept together in the same setting so their stories are interlinked, but presumably with focus remaining on Bix (and Bee). Dantooine/wherever the rebel base is beforehand/the move to Yavin struck me as a good place for this, where they can still be brought in and out of episodes through whatever time-skips happen because it's a place the title character is going to be coming and going from regularly, like Ferrix is in S1. Naturally it is a selfish thought to want to recreate the S1 dynamic :)) because I want my blorbo(s) to get to be relevant and a part of Cassian's life still, but if that suggestion about Brasso on a speeder on Dantooine in the trailer is remotely accurate then I will cry happy tears.

Who knows, if they get to survive, maybe all those heart-pulverising fics and fanarts about Cassian's (glass) stone being laid on Ferrix will find a place at the end of the series?

[weekatieb]

La Douleur Exquise

la douleur exquise (n.) the heart wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable

The truth is, he’s in love with her.

He has been for the past year.

But there’s nothing he can do about it, except try to hide it, and pretend that he isn’t.

He still remembers that first meeting in the squad room.

He knew she wasn’t thrilled at the idea of a new partner so soon after Cosgrove.

She had took his hand in an almost grudging manner.

Bright blue eyes connected with the perfect shade of green and he remembered feeling like he’d been punched in the chest, all the air driven from his lungs by an imaginary fist. He was so ensnared by the vision before him that he didn’t realise she was taking to him.

“Detective Riley?”

“Sorry, what?” “If we’re gonna be partners I drive, okay? Cosgrove always let me drive”

She is beautiful, of course, but there’s more to it than that.

He first noticed it the day they worked the Bruce Elliot case.

Hours upon hours searching through old case files for any clues, any leads.

And there she was, carrying a stack of files so thick it dwarfed her arms as she set them on her desk across from him and began to work. He felt a kinship there, a determined thirst and focus he recognised in himself.

He noticed it again when she told a joke he couldn’t remember. It made him laugh like he hadn’t in months, the first real laugh he had been able to conjure in so long.

He labelled it attraction when they found themselves pressed together in an alleyway, bullets flying overhead as they took cover from a desperate murder suspect. The frantic scramble to press against a wall out of harms way had the wisps of her ponytail scraping against his neck with the quick turn of her head.

It was over in a second, but he felt like he had been branded.

He ignored it successfully, the way her smile made his breath hitch, the way she teased him for the amount of sugar and cream he put in his coffee. He was fine with it, admiring the curl and curve of her hips from afar. He had accepted that this is how it would be. That he would fantasise about her, burn each time her hand brushed his, and nurse this desperate, hopeless crush until he didn’t.

His love for her has grown from working with her, knowing her, and from fighting the biggest battles beside her…..with her.

It’s a love born out of a form of intimacy that just seems to be defined by him and her.

It’s a love born out of knowing her, how she likes her coffee, how she prefers cinnamon pancakes over chocolate, and knowing the light in her eyes when she gets an idea.

It was cursory glances, fleeting touches in passing. It was sitting across a desk from her day after day, late nights on a stakeout, legs just barely touching inside a cramped police car.

No matter how hard he tried to shut her out, to stop whatever this was from happening, it was still there.

It’s not like there could actually be anything between them.

He’s in love with her, yes, but he wonders if he loves her enough to jeopardise their partnership.

She has become too important to him, he cannot lose her. If he takes the chance and it all goes to hell, then he could lose her friendship.

He will have her in his life, not exactly in the way he wants, rather than not having her at all.

It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hate himself for feeling this way.

And he does. Hate himself.

Because she has a boyfriend.

Nolan Price.

Nolan Price is her boyfriend.

He did not want to think about Nolan and her together but his stomach rolled as unwanted images seeped into his mind like invasive weeds.

Them holding hands, kissing, cuddling.

Nolan making her happy.

I just want her to be happy.

And Nolan made her happy.

So he spent time creating a barrier between himself and her. Every time she got close to crossing that line, to breaking down those walls, he built them up twofold.

It was for the best.

What was necessary.

At least that’s what he told himself.

But now? Staring at you lying helpless in this hospital bed, he almost forgot why the barriers were there in the first place.

She looked peaceful, however the IV drip connected to her hand ruined any illusion that she was just peacefully sleeping.

A nurse walked into the room to check on her vitals.

“Don’t worry, your girlfriend will make a full recovery” she assured him.

“No…no, I’m not…..I’m just a friend”

Just a friend.

His own words echo in his head for a second. But that’s what he was. He was just a friend.

“Vince?”

Her eyes flutter open.

“What happened?”

She was awake. Those beautiful eyes lighting up the room.

“You collapsed in the squad room.” he explains. “Appendicitis. Gave us all one hell of a scare”

“Have you been here the whole time?”

“Well I rode with you in the ambulance so I thought it was my duty to stick around”

“Thank you”

Her tone is whisper soft and endearingly earnest as she reaches her hand out towards him, finding his wrist.

“Don’t mention it. It’s what partners are for”

They’re colleagues, friends, and that’s as far as it goes.

And he hates it.

[cyclist-of-guilt]

Talking about diplomatic journal of Albert Herrera again in case translation is so shit you can't fucking stand it. So rundown with best imo moments:

Total circus visits: 4 + one straight going to the private quarters

Albert thinking about Franz and Count so much "Albert you dumbfuck" ";-; Franz used to call me dumbfuck", "Albert we're going to fucking jail " ";-; That Man™ was in jail"

Albert called Count "his best friend" fucking rip Franz

Heidee and Albert are besties now trauma bonding hell yeah even if she doesn't have too much free time and thinks she killed Fernand. Albert catching himself talking way too informal to her in front of his superior

Max talking about how everyone who knew Edmond were in love with him and that he wants to be like him (young men will find the worst mf around as a role model)

Max giving Albert Edmond's old pictures but only one without his family on (sounds like Albert would try to get them all if he didn't say that lmao)

Albert meets empire diplomats and starts talking shit instantly

Peppo is absolutely thriving being the most beautiful woman in the entire universe (what happens when you ditch Albert. Eugene please take an example)

Albert's coworker got dumped but he got tickets for some famous circus that was brought by Anonymous Mysterious Billionaire (whomst that might be I wonder)

Albert wasn't in the theatre since the events can't remember the last play he saw just that Franz was around

Albert's coworker asks if he left gf in Paris because he falls into his thoughts so much when it's mentioned (no Mark, he's a double widower)

Eugene is famous enough to have tabloids go after her (hope she has stans too hope they all have irrational hatred for Albert) she gets photographed with some guy so he gets jealous.

When going out to drink with Baptistin and Berttucio he gets surprised by Peppo showing up too

Albert still sucks ass and is "whohohoho ShE gOt A pEnIs" about Peppo

Albert thinks Eugene cheating on him, asks Peppo if she knows the guy and her reaction is basically "she's not don't worry but a propos you 2 cheating there's this ringmaster guy in the circus you need to check out VERY CAREFULLY;)"

"what's the deal with the ringmaster?"

Empire is starting to fuck around sending fleet too close to Janina

Albert tries so hard to convince us he worked hard for this job (nepo baby)

Haidee's coronation is coming close

Albert meets Janina politician whose family was killed because of Fernand and thinks about apologizing but can't talk about personal matters

Albert is good with children, and promises the diplomat's kid to take her to the circus (enemy of women Albert when)

Albert gets bullied by other diplomat for not knowing shit

It's Albert's birthday now! "I would like to wish you happy birthday Albert and Franz" MAX STOP EXECUTING CIVILIANS

"I prayed for Franz's life":)))))

So now he's going to the circus with that diplomat's family and his coworker

Edmond is now circus ringmaster and that pretty much special type of clown so very fitting

Albert first recognised Edmond by his gestures but it can't be him of course

Wow Lucien you don't say the buyer of the circus is just as mysterious as Count. You all are idiots

Max arrives on Janina apparently he barely got home but Valentine begged him to get there because Albert thinks he's a big boy now and definitely will get his dumb ass killed

Max might be a spy too tho

Albert feels he is being protected by 6 years old

Lucien is Albert's new sugar daddy

Max disappears everyone tries to find him but coronation is too close to focus on that. Albert gets a note to go to the circus

Albert gets told to follow a specific person by someone whispering from behind him (Edmond?)

Turns out the guy was planning to assassinate Haidee he gets apprehend by circus performers and Albert

Turns out it's his superior because of course Albert must get manipulated by older men in the position of power over him

(hope Edmond is mad that someone else is taking his job)

Edmond shows up and just now Albert recognises his voice so conclusion is that he was making silly voices to throw him off

I'm thinking it's the novels continuity because when thinking about Count dying Albert remembers his strange expression but I think it's funnier if you think of it as anime verse

Max was hiding in the circus with Edmond's help

Mercedes comes to Janina too she's invited by Haidee. She still stares wistfully into space

Albert is very emotional over Haidee's coronation

Madame Villefort and her kid are in the palace sadly kid got brainwashed and doesn't talk shit anymore

Lucien thinks about transferring Albert back to Paris so his dumb ass wouldn't get killed

Haidee wants to sneak out of the palace to go to the circus with Albert and Mercedes. He's surprised Haidee calls him friend

Albert feels like def-not-edmond was looking directly at them this time

Mercedes seeing suspiciously Edmond Dantes shaped man, in true widow from shitty marriage fashion she decides to not get another parasite and nopes the fuck out of the planet (my mother behaviour fr fr)

It's ok she has Eugene to hang out with (are you still jealous, Albert?)

Albert thinks with eating out so much he's going to get fat soon

Servants have their suspicion tho but "that man wouldn't do anything to expose himself" lol

Berttucio tells Albert his backstory it's the same as in the manga

They go to Edmond's private quarters

Edmond is so fucking annoying. "Mr Berttucio you seem to be fond of that person:)" "friendship is irreplaceable:)"

"Could he be that person? Looks are different but they can be managed" HE DIDN'T EVEN SHAVE HE JUST CHANGED BANGS AND HAS PONYTAIL NOW "what matters is the soul" oh god Albert

I'm pretending it's anime verse and everyone collectively forgot he's brown now

There's a part with flashbacks but I'll go chronologically

"the night I spent with the circus Leader"

Berttucio: "you used to call yourself the Count of Monte Christo?" Edmond:"I know that name:)" please someone hit him

They're trying to approach the fucker with how much Haidee still loves him and wants to see him he basically says she has more important things to think about like crisis in the country, says that he wants to help but when they press more he just excuses himself that he's getting drunk

Berttucio is sure it's him Albert for some reason isn't (WHY)

They get threatened by armed ppl on their way back

Albert is fucking strapped (I do not trust this twink with firearms)

Edmond shows up in "formal kimono " (return of the bathrobe?) with whip to save them

Of course Albert gets knocked out Edmond helps him get up. The nerd is wearing thick leather gloves (with that and whip I can see over Albert's head achievement unlocked: new kink)

The only conclusion they got is that the Leader isn't an ordinary person because that's reasonable with all of this

Edmond gives Albert a ride home talking about various bs

There's rumor Albert is dead because he hasn't been writing in a while

Eugene calls him "a carefree pom-pom" (that's so damn cute lmao)

There's an impending crisis (sorry I can't say much about it since translation is shit)

Max shows up to say Albert's former superior is missing, Albert notices something weird that turns out to be a bomb, he's injured but no one dies

When Albert wakes up Baptistin gives his some strong drugs

Embassy's central computer gets destroyed so it's out of commission

Albert wants to find out the truth what's happening

Of course he goes back to Edmond. When he's confused, injured and sad he's running to him like in the opera house again

And of course he's welcoming him in the middle of the night

"I feel like we're (Albert and 'the leader ') similar"

They're talking about the situation and if Edmond is a spy he reveals he has some special mission to do but refuses to tell him what it is but it won't bring any misfortune to empire or Janina

"can I still count on your help?" "Of course"

"his smile brightened up the dim room" good god ardors of youth do not fucking fade away

"trusting someone is always a gamble"

On his way home Max shows up and takes him to the ambassador who gives him mission to follow someone

At the train station it turns out that the person is Edmond accompanied by a mysterious woman (definitely not Haidee)

Albert and his coworker try to use some equipment to listen to what these 2 talk about but Edmond put up some interference device

They're ending up somewhere in desert

They're trying to rent animals that work like camels. the local warns them if it's hungry it loves to eat human brains. Albert thinks then it'll starve with him and the coworker

Turns out there are ancient ruins. They're following Edmond to them

A local guide tells them that according to legend a meteor fell there (aliens' ancient aliens)

At night Albert wakes up and notices moving light, turns out it's Edmond and Haidee going somewhere

They seem to be doing some kind of ritual. It opens passage to some place below. He's still following them

Break from the events for later to the war crimes and mechanics enthusiast that he was in this ruins acting like a monkey

Back to events Albert feels like an adventure book protagonist in that place seems to be a similar illusion like in Count's mansion

Edmond and Haidee talk about how legend turned out to be true

They reach what seems to be their destination and Albert finally sees it's Haidee.

He feels like everyone is playing with him he tries to go to argue with them for making fool out of him. But Edmond hugs Haidee what makes him freeze.

Then some strange light and sound starts. It's ancient aliens ship. Albert tries to get to Edmond and Haidee but he stops him but still all of them get transported to the ship.

Alien talks with Haidee in ancient janinian. Apparently some kind of tragedy related to the empire is about to hit Janina

Edmond tells Albert to not interfere with his mission both him and Haidee avoid eye contact with him

He tells Albert to go back and write his report also that there was another person following them

Albert draws sketch of his coworker taking shower like good heterosexual he is/s

When they're back in the capital they learn they will give live report in Paris

Albert imagines Eugene praising him but immediately thinks that she would call him green and weak

Albert wonders when he'll become real adult (never probably tbh)

Max shows up to talk they're going to Janina market

Albert finds a toy of clockwork castle like Haidee used to have in mansion this one has dolls with clothes of different cultures dancing together

In Paris Albert and coworker learn some special person will be giving speech with their report. It's Edmond of course

He says he found way to assure peace between Janina and the empire. There's some superweapon hidden in the ruins but claims him and Haidee sealed it for good and Albert is witness of that. Somehow some coffin like device is involved????

After that Albert and coworker drink coffee with chocolate with libertarian amount of sugar (jak wiesz to wiesz)

Edmond tries to sneak away but Albert feels like he'll never see him again again if he let's him go this time

Just read this shit yourself (the "be together part is something like "I believe fate tried us together " according to jisho but still the tying part seems to have romantic connotations)

Albert is now at Marseille's beach with his friends and Mercedes. Max and Valentine talk about their wedding. Albert falls asleep and Franz talks to him (we don't know what)

Albert returns to Janina. He has the gift from Edmond. He believes if he stays at Janina he'll for sure meet him again. He'll just be doing his job in meantime.

The end

Thoughts:

I find it hilarious how different it's from how ppl imagined grown up Albert: he's not more somber and quiet or depressed nor he recognises Edmond from 2 km radius. Until the very end he's still Albert

I wish there was way to peak into Edmond's side of things I know he's miserable crying into the watch (I just know he still has it). Also that's why I prefer to think it's anime verse. It would torture him more

And about him self sacrificing himself to give a better future to Albert and Haidee it seems pretty in character if he had 5 years for introspection. The revenge was basically elaborate suicide so his dumbass would opinion now to commit it in way that would benefit ppl that loved his undeserving ass the most

But he'll be back as Albert believes and he's always right about him and his true nature. Hope it'll take at least 25 years just so he can prove himself to be more faithful than Mercedes (who wasn't unfaithful at all it's just Edmond being delulu) (also then Albert would be similar age to Edmond and Fernand when shit hit the fan so he'll look like either shaved Fernand or what Edmond could never be either way NIGHTMARE for everyone involved)

Overall if you read it please tell me what you think I'm so curious

[misery-has-no-company-now]

Chapter 1 of "The Hidden Hurts Less"

Heyyy so I know I said I'll make fics for some other hcs first, but this idea came to me in a rare bout of inspiration. We were discussing some stuff in our history class (not really related to Oppenheimer, just a part of our course) and I realised that New Mexico would have actually been the first victim of an atomic bomb, and no one would have ever experienced such pain before; so I decided to write that.

Also, for the record, I'm not exactly hating on Gov in this fic. People who've seen my replies to stuff know I love him too, especially as Con. But that doesn't mean he didn't do some pretty messed up stuff as well, and though I'm not sure how good I am at it, I've done my best to make this from New Mexico's perspective - so whatever is written about Gov is from his view.

I really felt like writing not just the aftermath of atomic testing, but also how the states might have felt the first time it happened in their land. I was actually trying to make this entire fic at once, before I realised I could break it down into chapters; so here's the first part. We can use some New Mexico angst on this site, so this chapter is about him being in pain and confused as to what he is going through ): He's mostly alone in this chapter, except in the part where he remembers stuff from the past, so that is the only place where there are dialogues really. There will be more in the next chapter once I write it. He'll learn what is happening to his land in the next chapter I guess. This one was a little slow I know but I've collected at least 14 pages of research and I don't intend for it to go to waste so this will definitely be a multi-chapter fic.

I'm new to writing fanfics so I think I'll make it clear that I am open to constructive criticism, just don't be rude. I also am yet to proofread this, but I suppose I'll do it once get around to putting it on Ao3 as well, after I write all the tags and everything. Till then, I'll leave this here for you guys.

The Hidden Hurts Less

New Mexico felt sick the moment he woke up. His entire body was burning; with the raging inferno in his lungs so strong that had he not been in as much agony as he was, he might just have believed he could breathe out fire. 

He peered through his ablaze eyes to check the time. 05:29 A.M. Whatever could be happening at this time in the early morning? Was Gov up to something in his land? Even if he was, he couldn’t have sensed it anyway. He didn’t quite know why - or how - but he never could detect the presence of the personification of the country he was a part of, whether it was as a territory of Spain, a province of Mexico, or now as a state of USA; although he wasn’t sure if Gov was the personification of the federal government or the country. 

He tried to focus on where it hurt, attempting to recognise what his land and his people were going through. A fleeting moment of relief passed through him when he realised that a massacre of his natives was not occurring at the moment. The genocide had been cold, devoid of any warmth, and with a more freezing chill than any winter he had ever experienced in his dry terrain. It had felt as if his skin was cut in several places as all the blood drained out of him and his heart beat slowed with the disappearance of his people. This was far different from that. Right now, his heart was racing faster than it ever had. Faster than the speed of the plane when North Carolina took all the states and territories on a flight. He didn’t feel like he was losing blood, but rather as if all his blood vessels would explode with an insurgence of the same. 

Whatever he was experiencing now was the scorching pain of being set on fire, rather than the piercing sensation of losing his people. He was distinctly glad the latter was not the current case; the Navajo Nation had suffered enough. Uptil now, seeing her ache had hurt him more than anything else. Yet this new pain, one he had never gone through before, made him wish he was dead. He had thought he would die many times in his immortal life; during a plethora of national disasters and wars. But never had he been in such a situation that he hoped something or someone would kill him. His chest felt like it was tearing apart, not into two as the Dakota territory had in 1889, but into multiple fragments like how someone would rip a piece of paper they were ashamed of. And then stamp on it apparently; since soon after, he could feel a huge pressure on his stomach, making him fall to the floor - a movement followed by a powerful wave of dizziness which fabricated black and purple spots in this vision, nearly causing him to pass out.

He shut his eyes and stayed there, kneeling near his bed, till his head no longer spun to the extent that he might faint. The moment he gained the courage to reopen them, he discerned from the corner of his eyes a bright light flash across the sky; and then another sharp pain in his head, which felt like it was being stabbed multiple times from the inside. He’d only ever known New York and New Jersey to describe having such  ‘migraines’, as they had called it. He had attributed it to them being old though. He didn’t understand why his head hurt that way. Or why there seemed to be a portal about to open to heaven. Or why he was in so much pain. Or why anyone was doing anything to even cause him this much suffering at this time of the day. Or why…he continued to panic till his spiral made him nauseous. 

He tried to distract himself instead of thinking about what hurt. He’d never undergone such a situation before, so he wouldn’t be able to understand what was happening on his own anyway. The only way to get an answer - he figured, from the hazy fog that blurred his usually alert sense of logic - was to find out where the pain was coming from, and go there to see what happened. 

With this delirious thinking, he forced himself up, ignoring the screams as every moment inflicted more torture upon his beaten-down body. Was he the one screaming, or was that just the loud ringing in his ears? The moment he paid attention to that, the high-pitched resounding hum subsided; only to be replaced with the thunderous, deafening boom of an explosion. He felt it come from somewhere south of Los Alamos. 

Los Alamos. The place had just been a remote location in the mountainous regions of the northern parts of his state for a long time, until Gov approached him one day - with a shady as ever demeanour only further heightened by the need for secrecy in this war - to explain that he would be using this piece of land for a ‘strictly confidential’ mission he had to carry out. New Mexico had, of course, argued about this. Well, at least he tried to. Gov had successfully managed to shut him up by saying it was for Hawaii, as payback for what took place in Pearl Harbour. Personally, New Mexico knew of a lot of other ways to compensate her for those bombings, but he chose to keep his mouth shut, deciding it would not bode well for him to anger Gov right now, especially during these times when the steel glint in his pale grey eyes was so conspicuous. He’d heard enough stories from the states defeated in the Civil War to know better. Alaska taught him not to provoke a sleeping bear. Texas taught him not to agitate an already aggrieved Gov. 

So he’d let Gov use his land. He didn’t exactly have a choice in that anyway. His options weren’t ‘yes’ or ‘no’. He had to take a pick between ‘peacefully permit’ and ‘via force’. He never got to know what it was that Gov was doing in this area. He only ever received one answer, which remained unchanged despite the variety in his questions. 

“Why Los Alamos?”

“That’s classified.”

“What do you need my land for?”

“That’s classified.”

“What are you doing with all that plutomin you’re mining?”

“That’s classified.”

“Why are there so many people entering this place?”

“That’s classified.”

“What do you even think will happen if I might learn something?!”

“...That’s classified.”

New Mexico had never felt as violent tendencies as he did when speaking with Gov.  He kept reminding himself that he was doing this for Hawaii. That he was tolerating Gov so that their country could have a better chance of winning the war they only recently joined. Punching that shady Fed in the face would only provide a short-term bliss. It wouldn’t really help anyone, least of all him.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but worry about what Gov might have done today, with the unknown pain being worse than he had ever imagined hell to be. He had to go and check what happened. His people were more important than any fear he might have of disobeying Gov, who had firmly told him to stay out and away from that site. But he didn’t actually have to go to Los Alamos though. He could feel the thuds of a bomb at least 200 miles away from there. He had no restrictions for going to that area. As his anxiety about what the new agony was caused said pain to mildly fade into the background, he teleported to the place he felt it from; and though he had no idea what to expect, nothing he could ever have envisaged would have helped him prepare for what he would soon learn.

[tounderstandthesoul]

Chapter 4: The Meeting

Now that Angel is on his way from the train station towards 𝗣𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲, this is where it all really begins…

---

Hello again, Yes, it's been a few days now, but here I am back, with a long chapter. At the moment I'm really trying to decide whether to continue writing The Genius Story or this. This one is more fun because there's still a lot to come. But away from me for now, and have fun with this chapter...

---

The body forms scar tissues to close a wound. Eventually, scars fade. Who knows? With enough time, you might not even remember how you got them.

Angel Pov:

I just did something disgusting... No.... im disgusting

I can still taste the blood in my mouth, and my trousers are a bit wet 'But the walk and being on the run will dry them, what else am I going to do?'

But the hunger...it just hurts so much and I don't know what to do.

It's a long way to Playcare and I'm walking through the dark tunnels of the factory, I can really feel my feet hurting on the tracks so I'd rather walk on the left side of the track for now. So here the staff have travelled to Playcare by train... all together on the train.

It's dark... very dark and I'm not sure if I'm walking in the right direction, but in a couple of hours I should be at the Place 'I hope'.

The employees must not always have travelled so long here with this train thing.

I'm scared

"Life is so fleeting, so fragile. Every breath, I think is my last."

But...There is a light... *Yes* finally a Light its green atleast from what i can tell im going faster. No thats a lie I'm already running there and then I recognise a shape on the wall 'an arrow?' and it points to the right while all the time this tempting light is shining. 'But what if I go straight out?'

No... I think I have to go to the right... so I go right, unfortunately there are no signs here either. I have to make a sharp turn to the right, but as far as I can see 'Not really far' but its as far as i can see right now.

Hm?... The tracks are warm here at the front? Why? The train was missing but all the staff were nevertheless........

With every step I take, the tracks in front of me get warmer, I have the feeling I'm getting close. I almost slip because the tracks are so hot and they suddenly go down into the depths of the underground. That was close, 'I almost fell' why are the tracks falling like this? Is that supposed to drive the train into a wall or is there a reason?

I try not to lean too far forwards as I run down before I fall down here and then Roll down.

What is that?

Oh my goodness

It looks like the train rammed into the station here... There's fire everywhere, and on top of that, there's the excess parts of the coloured train, and the fences on the left and right are already melting because of the fire... But wait a minute, according to Miss Delight, fire only burns when it has air? I can hardly breathe down here all the time?

Did the crash here happen a few hours ago?

No... Impossible, 'I have to look around here' and a door with the red, glowing inscription "EXIT" jumps right into my eye and I instinctively run and stretch my arm out again and land right in front of the door.

"it's not locked...." Strange, normally all the doors in the factory are locked. I don't wait another second and enter the room immediately.

It's only a small room, right next to the door is a hole in the wall with a strange lightning bolt sign, there's a 'locked door?' and a sign on the wall, as if something small had been attached to it. A strong richer comes towards me...

Someone was here

I leave the room immediately... Just thinking about the staff makes me feel sick and I'm already getting a headache. "You're lucky Elliot cares so much about you, otherwise we'd split you into pieces every day and give you to the other experiments for fun." I have to stop thinking about the times 'In the Cage'. I sit down briefly and watch the fire slowly go out on the train.

I think this view is Beautiful, but with the fire going out I can see a little further into the darkness... light!. I immediately get up again and walk a little faster straight ahead. Behind me is still the fire so I can see the further ground a little, I get closer to the light.

It looks like a tunnel, and on the sides there are these lights everywhere... I think the station is on the left.

I'm immediately greeted by a big non-moving Huggy Wuggy stature, 'But why is it grey?' To the left and right are gates you probably have to go through... But something else has my attention right now.

A vending machine with this weird mother toy, labeled "Drinks" is the machine still good?, can I have something...please But because I have no idea, I press the top button straight away. It takes a few seconds, but then a little  voice appears.

"No coin inserted!"

'No' I have to pay for this?

I slowly raise my right arm in front of my eyes, very slowly 'I can do it, I have to'. With my fingers I slowly form little rings 'coins'. But what now? I can't just let my fingers fall off my hand 'can I?'

No, I try to distract myself, I know what i have to do....

I mould my left hand into a pointed shape, as if it were a knife, and slowly rub it over my right hand... 'I have to do this' And with a very quick grind... it is done.

"AHHH damn it...." It hurts, and tears slowly flow out of my Eyes. Its much worse than I imagined. With a thump, the coins fall to the ground, followed by a large amount of blood. I can do this, I just have to concentrate....... 'A New Right Hand' I imagine it...

The soft flesh, the thin skin... the single fingers, 'littered with scars' and then begin to Form it.... After a few seconds I open my eyes. A new right hand, and it looks exactly the same as before...Perfect. I kneel down slowly, to the puddle of blood and my 'coins'.

I slowly pick one of them up and push it into the thin slot of the machine, it takes a few seconds, but then a bottle comes out the bottom. A blue bottle with a picture of Huggy Wuggy, I take it and rip the lid right off. I put the bottle to my mouth, 'and without knowing anything about it, I drink...'

'Water' flows slowly down my dry throat, and for a moment I forget why I'm here, 'or what I'm doing here'. Ah... so refreshing, I feel like I've grown a new skin, 'wait a minute... could I do that?' no the only important thing is to finally have something to drink after weeks.

The bottle is empty very quickly, so I bend down, put it to one side and take another coin from the blood puddle. I insert it straight away and wait a short while, as if the light in my eyes has been completely switched on again. I press it again and wait... 'nothing comes up?'

I bend back down to the blood and take another coin, with fear and confusion I push it back into the opening of the machine, giving it no time and pressing the button for the water again.  'But nothing comes out?!' my heart starts to pound loudly, I press every other button on the vending machine and turn round 'If I don't look at it, maybe something else will come out'. meanwhile I search with my eyes without moving from the spot on the other side for another vending machine... Absolutely nothing.

The only water for weeks and I drink it straight out... 'no...' I don't want to be thirsty and hungry anymore. This feeling that your body is eating itself from the inside and you can't do anything about it. awful

So that means it goes on now... and I thought I could get some kind of supply, 'That's sad' But I really have to go on now, after all, I'm now very close to Playcare at the Huggy statue was a kind of entrance.

Several small passages but with some kind of passages, the moment I want to run against them they start to glow...green.

"Is the power back on?" With my current size I wouldn't have had any problems just walking under it, but well, even better. I have to climb a few stairs again, which immediately reminds me of the pain in my feet and legs 'it has to stop at some point, doesn't it?' But then I see a cardboard cutout. A yellow animal, I don't know exactly because it's already partially covered in dirt.  I press the red button next to it, after all it says "PRESS HERE" with a big arrow pointing to it.

"Hey! I'm KickinChicken! Wanna go outside and hang out?"  'What?' KickinChicken, is that some kind of animal? Chicken was that animal that lays eggs 'wasn't it?'.

"It's lookin' pretty rad outside!" 'Outside?' I've never been outside *or?*. Before I press again, I look around... A big corridor to what looks like a lift, and nothing else... So the lift takes me to Playcare. While thinking, I press the button again, 'there always seems to be something different coming'

"I've... Never been outside before." ? Why, why are you saying that now? I don't understand, my heart starts beating faster and I'm starting to get scared. 'What's next?' but I was too invested in what this cutout had to say.

"Here, follow me. I'll step out first." 'No' I'm not following you, 'I'm Scared' I don't want to push again, but maybe the next statement could be important, but my gut is trying to warn me. But nothing helps as I press the button again....

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA" Out of instinct I jumped backwards like a cat, 'That scream’.... what was that? 'What happened? my heart is pounding very loudly and my head is no better, I knew I should have listened to my conscience. oh god.... why did I only press the Button again... I can barely move, out of Shock I never expected that and it really hit me, those screams 'were they real?

My gut is telling me I need to get out of here fast, really fast. So I walk on into the room with the elevator, as I go in I can already see levers on the left and right far behind. Also, the elevator is not open... I've got it! Pull both levers down at the same time and then they open. I stand straight in front of the elevator and stretch my arms perfectly on the levers, the doors open with a loud squeak 'Done' But that's exactly when I hear...

'The squeak of the Metall Dorway?' I run straight into the elevator, make my body even smaller and hide under the seats in the elevator.

"It smells disgusting all over the place, haven't they ever cleaned down here?" The voice of a woman? 'Impossible'

There are survivors? But every experiment has all employees... No, 'maybe she's not an employee at all, but just down here by mistake?' no why should-

I almost jump out of my hiding place when I hear her loud footsteps, 'she's so close' if she sits down now she'll see m-

Bring-bring! Bring-bring!

"Yes Ollie?" 'I cant really see her face but... 'who is she talking to?'

"No... I’m in the Wagon"

Ah so that's what its called, I thought it was an elevator... woah…It starts to move.

I briefly feel like I'm floating, 'this thing is flying in the air!' I've never felt anything like this, like I eigh absolutely nothing Wow. I wonder if I've lost a lot of weight since the last few weeks, I can already feel my bones, So-

"Yes Ollie I see the domes, Playcare right?"  The dome? since when is Playca-

"When I worked here, I was never down here, but I heard some rumors you know, Unbelievable...they were supposedly taking the experiments from down here every month!"

I try not to make any noise, but I can hear the voice behind the plastic thing she's holding to her ear.

"All the children thought they were going to be adopted..... but in reality they were abducted" Ollie? That's a boy, isn't it? but that he survived ? 'Already twice impossible' The children down here were slaughtered first, damn what nonsense, I don't trust this 'Ollie' . He helps this former employee, and he survived too?

Slowly I can see something out of the window, 'dark walls with cables running everywhere. 'Is this some kind of tunnel?

Then I hear a soft beep and the TV comes on. 'What's coming now?

"Hello my name is Elliot Ludwig, when you look around at the world today what one thing do you think it needs more of?"

"huh?" is the only thing the ex-employee says, but if only she knew what Elliot did to every child in Playcare...

"I asked around once money I never have enough understanding I can never get any faith the common man has lost it. each answer was different and I could perhaps see some little truth in it."

"The truth is not appreciated down here anyway" hah?, says the employee who worked in the whole mess here.

There is a slightly longer pause, no display but the picture changes to a picture of Elliot Ludwig, his face has a weird black block on, so you can't see the face.

"but I think each was also missing something something simple you see not one of them could muster a smile a smile is Hope a smile is love a smile is understanding and there is nothing more gratifying to my soul than being the reason for a child child's smile to be the spark that ignites all their hopes and dreams or it is only through hopes and dreams that we may create a better world one where our children need not be afraid one where they are protected after all this company and its toys are nothing without them these children deserve to smile they deserve to love and they deserve a safe home"

Yes, a safe home and love, there was not a bit of that here. But if only employees can go down here, 'Why is there such a lying video on?'

"I really wouldn't have noticed it Ollie, if I hadn't heard it from my work colleagues, I would never have known what was going on down here"

"Oh you don't have to apologize, you'll be there in a minute, see you soon!"

"hear you soon Ollie!" Why do they have so much energy when they talk? Don't they know they're in a hole with no exit?

"that is why it is with enormous pleasure that as the founder of playtime Co I announce play care our very own onsite orphanage but it's not only that it's a school a playhouse a place to belong our very own ecosystem beneath the surface dedicated in every inch and detail to ensuring a child's smile it's teachers and counselors mothers and fathers until such a time they have all of that in you may play care bring joy inspiration and smiles to all who enter these doors for what gives life its meaning if not a smile"

I hardly listen anymore, after all, the view from the window is far too special for that, it slowly goes into the huge dome, directly through the red opening and then I see it again...

"Playcare"

"hmm? SHIT? What was that?" I didn't even realize that I had said it, now she starts to fidget a bit, I have to be quiet and not look. If she bends down or something.... 'What does she do when she sees me?' 'I wont go back into the cage...*Never*.

I don't dare look up anymore, 'out of fear', but then the wagon stops. The doors open again with a loud screech, she doesn't wait a second and gets straight out.

"Im coming to find you" was the only thing she said before I could no longer see her. I don't move for a few minutes, what if she comes back or just waits for me outside? You've never been able to trust the staff down here, and that's not going to change.

I slowly crawl forward and stand up, I'm already hurting all over again, and now I have to shape myself back? 'That will hurt'. And so I shape myself a little taller than before, about the size of a 13-year-old.

But I have to keep going. I Just have to...

The sight of all the Playcare is making my stomach ache, but this is my last chance, so I have to do it. I can see from a distance how the employee moves into the center, but I know this place better. So I go straight to the Playhouse. There was always food there for us, and everyone had fun together. 'Except me'

"The weird kid with the scars", "Patchface" I just didn't want to be alone What did I do to deserve this? I was born like this, 'and I didn't choose it' and also the Experiments….

But it's not my fault....  I've heard from Miss Delight and her sisters that I "look like I've been stitched up." But it's my fault, damn it.

And now I'm standing here... In front of the locked door of the Playhouse

There is a large lock hanging in front of the door, I bring my hand out and lean towards the lock, the exact setup is actually simple, as long as I shape my hand perfectly and turn it once to the right, it should open. And so I do, once slowly to the right.... click The lock falls down.

I quickly open the door and enter the playhouse.

It's dark... I can't see a thing, and I dont remember it like this. There's a light to my right, but if it's true that CatNap is wandering around here, then I see a much better idea, a Vent. It's not on the wall... My Chance.

But before I get in, I have to get smaller. 'It's starting to hurt too much' but otherwise I can't climb through the vent, so off I go to the big pitch and find food.

The vent is small, 'I can hardly breathe and it smells far too much like blood' I just can't think about it. There's still a long way to go and I'm starting to wonder if I'm in the right place. But then I hear something...

"No, I fell asleep and then Hoppy woke me up here!" The voice sounds familiar, but I can't work out where it's from.

"Yes, but we don't know any better Kickin!" 'Kickin?' like kickinchicken?

I lean my head against the ventilation shaft in front of me and try to hear the voices a little better...

"Hey, calm down, if we keep a clear head and trust in each other, we can do it!" 'huh?' trust? 'don't they understand that they're in the last hole?

"And besides, we all have to work together now, then we can do everything, remember?" That voice again, far too confident and it sounds so open, 'I want to keep listening... No, I want to keep hearing that voice'.

"So in theory, we're in a bloody prison, we were powerless and we just woke up here. I don't see any way, really no way to get out of here."

"There will be a way...." A new voice... It's quiet and I could barely make out where it was coming from.

"Finally you say something CatNap, and then you say such touching words....!" Is the person behind the voice serious? 'Or am I missing something?

"Kickin, stop provoking, you know how it ends!" 'A new voice?' How many people are there?!

They're still talking, but I've never heard of any kind of Prison here at the Playhouse before?

I slowly press my hand against the ventilation vent, take hold of it and gently push it out.

Then I stretch my hand until I can 'lay' it slowly on the floor without making a noise. The vent is on the floor, I'm lucky, if it had been on the ceiling I would have had to jump out like that. I crawl out slowly and approach the voices...

Third person pov:

Angel walks slowly and without making any noise near the cells, but he has already been noticed by one of the critters...

"HEY!" Angel probably didn't realize it but he's close to the cells, they can all see him now. Because there is a light above them. In one cell were Dogday,Bobby,Crafty and Bubba and in the other CatNap,Kickin,Hoppy and Picky. Angel heard the shouting and slowly turned to the cell of group one.

"Yeah right you, hey where are we and.... can you help us?" Angel looked a little startled when he finally got a good look at the people, a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a bear, an elephant, a pig, a unicorn and a chicken? No, which he only realized now because he could hear their voices better and could now see them.

They are female, at least the ones he could see, 'What are they doing here, and why are they locked up?

"What are you doing down here?" The first words Angel shared with them, he probably didn't expect to hear a counterattack right away...

"Are you deaf or just blind Patchface! We're imprisoned here!"

"Hey Kickin don't say that!"

"Yeah, that was really mean!"

Angel hadn't really listened to them anymore 'Patchface' was the only thing that was on his mind. He just stared into space until he heard a voice that calmed him down.

"Hey, we're not here to bother you in any way, but you really need to help us...Angel..."

"Angel...?" Y/N just repeated and didn't know why she called him that, the name sounded so familiar....

"Yes, you're the only one who can help us here... so please...become our angel" Y/N stopped standing around and took a step closer to the voice... She is a Dog, she seems like the sun itself with her smile, even though they are trapped here in nowhere for some unknown reason. And her voice... Let's put it this way, Angel could listen to her for hours, and that's really something special with him.

He doesn't know why but he trusted her directly, even though he didn't even know her name. He walked a little closer to the cell and looked into her bright yellow eyes, he really couldn't look away...

"Are you going to help us or not?" It was that chicken's voice again, she's really mean, Angel thought. Hoppy quickly hits her head with her paw.

"Kickin, he's trying to help us here, so just shut up!" Angel was startled when she got a little louder, only two of the critters noticed, DogDay and CatNap, whose name Angel didn't know yet.

"You're a boy, aren't you?..." The Bunny turned to Angel and just asked into the room...

"I think so..." Angel wasn't sure, but it was probably normal after all the experiments, the bullying and everything else. Despite this, he saw Kickin want to say something again, but then remained quiet.

"My name is Dogday, nice to meet you Angel!" She introduced herself by her name, although Angel hadn't yet made a move to get her out of the cell. 'Optimistic'. But Angel slowly crouched down in front of the large cell lock, you definitely need a key for that.

"We don't know where the Key is..." A new voice, Angel turns around and he only sees the Outline of what looks like a purple cat, this is the first time she speaks, her voice.... Is reassuring like Dogday, but Her voice sounds like Safety...

"I just need to…. understand" Says Angel and continues to look at the Lock. the other critters don't understand what he means, but will definitely see it now.

Angel slowly raises his hand and holds it in front of the lock, all eight critters watch him and wait to see what happens. As if his hand wasn't real, the flesh on it deforms... 'Nowhere else' only in front the hand .... and forms a 'key'.

"Hey wait a M-"

Click

The lock was open and Angel took a step back so that Dogday could slowly open the door and take a look at his hand. It looked like it had been crushed, very bloody but it was the moment that made everything perfect in some sense. She stood in front of him, she was taller by far, but that didn't matter...because in that moment he was her angel.

"Hey us too Dude Come on!" Angel walked over to the other door, crouched briefly in front of the lock, He slowly pushed his blood-smeared and bruised hand into the lock and made a small whine, it hurt. Dogday knew he must be in a lot of pain right now. But she let in his space, because his posture and the fact that he barely spoke, reminded her of CatNap.

Click

Angel stands up again and pulls his Mangled hand out of the lock, but nobody is paying attention to him anymore.

"And I thought we'd never get out of here..." Was the last thing that came from Kickin.

"ah Kickin, sooner or later we would have got out of here one way or another."

"Yes, perhaps in corpses."

After the statement there is silence for the time being, Angel stands there like an idiot, turns round and walks back to the ventilation shaft. But before he can bend down and crawl back into the lock-

"Erm... you wouldn't happen to know a way out of here, would you Angel?"

[jmhwritesstuff]

I once said the words, “Maybe in another universe.”

And they laughed with a look of confusion on their face.

And it made me realise that I believe in the idea of existing in another timeline, another universe - maybe even several. Each one holds a different version of myself that I have never been in this one. Because, here, I have carried the weight of pain since I was a child. Each year brought something new, something else, to shatter any blinking, fleeting moment of featherlight freedom I could have felt if only the world would have thought to pause for me. If only the world would have stopped to consider that all this hurt is too much for one person to carry forever.

At least in another universe I might be the artist I always wanted to be - if only my mother hadn’t scoffed in disappointment when she asked me, when I was eight,  what I wanted to be when I grew up, and told me that being an artist is not a real job.

At least in another universe I might be a dancer - if only my child-self had been feminine enough to want to put on ballet shoes, and my parents could afford the lessons, and I could have made my family proud.

At least in another universe I might be the athlete my coaches promised I could be - if only the people I thought cared about me hadn’t broken my spirit so much that I eventually fell into depression (but didn’t know to call it that) and lost interest in everything I loved. I had no idea this would remain true for the rest of my adult life.

At least in another universe I might not have been sexually assaulted four times by three different men before the age of seventeen. There is no “if only” here. There is only “I hope this didn’t happen to me in every version of my life.”

At least in another universe there is a version of me that is blindingly, unapologetically happy and loved and sure. Of herself. Of her family and friends. Of every choice she has ever made and will continue to make.

There are so many ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ that it might be impossible to name every single one. But I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from. I’m sure you get the picture. Because if I outline every single one it just means I’m talking too much and people don’t know how to speak to me when I don’t shut up. I start to say things they don’t quite comprehend, they struggle to respond in any particular way that isn’t uncomfortably searching for something else to do, or look at, or change the topic to. Just so they don’t have to listen to me anymore. So I’m sure you understand what I mean by now when I say, “I believe in another universe in which I am not who I am.”

I think there will always be a small part of us that longs to have achieved something we never got the chance to - and perhaps in another universe, in another timeline, even, we are that person we missed out on becoming. Whatever the reason might be.

Maybe I live somewhere else. Maybe I grew up there, or maybe my family moved there when I was young.

Maybe I didn’t meet all the same people, or go to the same schools, or even have an older brother.

Maybe I didn’t fall in love with all the wrong boys.

Maybe he kissed me.

Maybe I didn’t drink so much as a teenager to try to forget everything, knowing it would never work because that’s not how it ever works at all.

Maybe I didn’t find myself wanting to die every day for years without anyone recognising that I was not okay. 

The truth is, I don’t know how to think about my life without feeling bitter. At least, in some capacity, about something. I don’t know how to talk about myself without wishing I were more interesting or successful or talented. I don’t know how to look at the world around me without seeing the darkness first.

Every name has a story that ends badly. Every memory has its claws sunk deep. And, like a twisted, violent circle, every pain I have endured has a name. The names belong to every individual I have ever allowed to get too close. And no one questions why I am angry. No one questions why I am entirely made up of loneliness. They see it, they just don’t want to.

This is not to say that no one has ever asked. This is to say that they have regretted asking.

So, you see, I have to believe there is another universe out there. If only to comfort myself; to convince myself that somewhere, out there, I am happy. 

Whatever that looks like.

And maybe there is a universe in which the person who laughed at me, didn’t laugh at all, but truly understands who I am. And loves me anyway. 

[to-themoon]

i tend to tip toe around people, it’s something i learned from a very young age, i experienced loss very young even if i didn’t recognise it until years later, i still tip toe, and i hold back, and i don’t speak too much or too little, i try to speak enough, enough to not scare people away, enough so that it’s not too much. i’m afraid of it being too little, or too much. the fear comes from losing people, the fear comes from holding on too tight. the harsh truth is that people leave, and things change, and one day i’ll have to leave too. but i’m so afraid, fear keeps me grounded, it brings me comfort. i don’t know how or why, but it does. my sadness and my fear have a strong hold on me, but i’m comfortable here. or at least, that’s what i tell myself, and have done for years. my sadness has been home for so long, it’s so familiar to me, that i don’t know anything else. happiness is a fleeting emotion, it doesn’t stick around, and although a part of me knows that sadness doesn’t either, more often than not, it’s lurking in the background. sadness, pain, heartache, despair - all the feelings that i’m familiar with, they stick around. i have a sad soul, and i’ve always had a sad soul. i’m waiting for something, maybe forgiveness of some kind, maybe i’m waiting for someone or something to happen. i don’t know who to forgive, what to let go, what to hold on to- if anything? i’m not sure about a lot of things. i want to be sure, about something, anything.

[seijorhi]

To the Wolves

my (first) entry for the Deal With the Devil collab, because i couldn’t resist writing for Yakuza Getou <33

Getou Suguru x Female Reader

TW Extremely dubious consent, coercion, manipulation, threats, implied murder, smut, nsfw

“No. I- I won’t.”

Sitting comfortably on the old, worn couch in your cramped little apartment, Getou raises a single eyebrow, “Oh? Is that so?”

His voice is perfectly pleasant, the smile on his face a touch amused, but you’re not so naive as to believe that the question is anything but a generous offer for you to rethink your reply. A smart person would take it – since the day you’d first arrived home to find him waiting for you, Getou hadn’t so much as laid a finger on you. He had no need for guns or knives, never shouted or bullied you, his reputation more than enough to cow you into submission before he’d even opened his mouth.

Of course, once he had, the simple threats to your friends and family’s lives had made certain that you were more than amenable to his request.

A mutually beneficial arrangement, he’d called it, as if there hadn’t been tears silently streaming down your face, your whole body stiff with fear. 

But that was the world he came from. Violence and ruthlessness, cruelty masquerading as kindness.

By all accounts, someone like you – a lowly admin assistant living a very boring, mundane life – should never have crossed paths with a man like Getou. The irony, of course, being that it was precisely because of your job that he’d been drawn to you in the first place. 

“I-I said no,” you stammer. “I’m not doing it.”

Getou sighs, long, pale fingers idly fixing the cuff of his left sleeve. “I had no idea the lives of your loved ones meant so little to you.”  

“Please, I-” you break off, biting your lip as your hands curl into useless fists at your side, “I can’t. Anything else, I’ll do anything, I swear it, just… please.”

Men like Getou aren’t the type to be swayed by pretty words or tearful pleas, but there’s an unmistakable glimmer of interest that flickers in his eyes at the offer. Casually, he leans forward, resting his chin on the palm of his hand and regarding you with a smirk. “So you’ll bring me the list of witnesses then?”

The barely audible hitch in your breath is enough to make him chuckle.

“No? How about those surveillance tapes, hm?” Smoothly, he rises to his feet and makes his way towards you. “Careful, little one, first rule of negotiation is knowing when you have something to bargain with. Don’t promise me what you can’t give.”

“Getou–”

He raises a hand and you quickly fall silent. There’s only inches between you two now, Getou’s taller, broader frame looming over yours. He could kill you like this, you realise with panic – reach out and wrap his hands around your throat and snap your pretty little neck before you could so much as scream. The tailored line of his jacket hides the gun he has holstered at his side, but Getou knows you're aware of its presence, have been since the very first time he’d broken into your home and threatened you. 

It’d take him only moments to draw the sidearm, even less for him to pull the trigger.

The walls of your apartment are thin, would your neighbours come if they heard gunfire? Would you, for that matter, if your roles were reversed?

Yet Getou makes no move for his gun, instead reaching for your chin, tilting it up with two curled fingers until you meet his gaze, “You understand, don’t you, that I make one phone call and that charming sister of yours and her fiance meet a very tragic, very untimely end?”

He pauses, waiting until you jerk a quick nod of assent before continuing. “You love them. There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with prioritising the ones you love over everybody else.” His voice is gentle, but the words make you shake, dread rising from the pit of your stomach as the pad of his thumb grazes over your bottom lip. 

You don’t know if you’re supposed to say something to that, but even as you try, you can’t summon the words. The by now familiar scent of his cologne tickles your nose and invades your throat, the warmth of his touch burning through your veins. Your own heart hammers like a drumbeat in your chest, every cell in your body screaming danger, but you don’t run, you don’t even flinch.

Getou smiles kindly, and perhaps if you hadn’t seen first hand the aftermath of his handiwork you might be tempted to believe it. His spare hand reaches into his jacket, but instead of the gun you’re expecting, he pulls out his phone, the screen flickering to life with a swipe of his finger. “So tell me, before I make a call you and I both know you don’t want me to make, why you’ve suddenly decided that their lives aren’t worth your compliance?”

Nanami. Your boss’s face flashes to your mind, the odd, fleeting glances he’d sent your way over the past few weeks when he’d thought you weren’t paying attention. Your stomach erupts with butterflies, your cheeks unwittingly warming, but you just shake your head, “If I give you those files, you’ll kill them. You’ll hurt them.”

“Maybe,” he hums, “maybe not. It’s no less than those monkeys deserve, don’t you think?” He spits the word like it’s venom, the twitch in his jaw the only chink in his otherwise effortless composure. “You’re protecting them, even now.”

You make no attempt to defend yourself, terrified of saying the wrong thing and setting him off, but Getou seems entirely unfazed, laughing coldly at your stricken expression.

“Your boss, the one with the perpetual stick up his ass; Nanami,” potent disdain drips from his tone at the name, “Always so morally righteous, sitting up on his high horse. You think he cares for you, that he’ll protect you when all of this comes out? And it will come out eventually,” he says, his smirk widening at the sudden pallor in your face. “At some point there’ll be one too many unfortunate coincidences, and the higher ups will realise that they have a mole in their ranks. Fingers will be pointed of course, but eventually even those idiots will figure it out.”

A knot tightens inside of your chest at his words, constricting until it feels like you can’t breathe. You’re shaking your head, eyes filling with tears, “N-no–”

“Oh, little one,” Getou murmurs, dark eyes drinking in every ounce of your distress. “Surely you realised that they have security cameras covering every inch of your floor? There was no reason to look before, but once they do…” he trails off, letting go of your chin in favour of brushing the back of his knuckles along your cheek. “They’ll throw you to the wolves.”

His voice is soft and cruel, belied by the gentleness of his touch, but it does nothing to quell the rising sense of dread inside of you. You want to believe it’s a lie, another threat meant to scare you into submission, but some deeper part of you recognises the truth in his words. 

Nanami, who’d told you once that there was innocence and there was guilt and very little in between. Nanami, whose office you’d bugged, whose trial only weeks ago you’d all but derailed with a few misplaced documents. You think back to the late nights shared in his office, bowls of ramen and case files scattered across the desk between you. You think of the rare smiles, his oddly dry sense of humour, the pleasant fluttering in your heart–

“You’ll rot in prison long before I do, and there is not a soul among that insipid bunch that would lift a finger to stop that from happening to you.” 

A soft, strangled noise leaves your lips as you fight not to sob, and Getou sighs, the corners of his lips twitching downwards in contrived sympathy. “Say the word and I’ll walk away tonight. I’ll still have to kill your sister – I am a man of my word, you understand – but I promise it’ll be the last you see of me.”

He slides his phone back into the breast pocket of his jacket, taking your face in both of his hands as tears spill down long lashes. “And when they come for you, you can tell them I threatened you, show them what little proof you have – if you have any at all. Maybe it’ll even make a difference,” he says. “But I doubt it.”

Every word is like a knife, slicing away at the raw, bleeding, vulnerable parts of you.

“Please…” It’s weak and desperate, your voice cracked and broken. You don’t even know what you’re begging for anymore; your sister’s life, for Getou’s mercy, or maybe just for him to stop saying such awful things. He must take pity on you though, because he sighs once more, his right thumb sweeping across your wet cheek to brush away silvery tear tracks. 

“I’m not a complete monster, you know. I protect what’s mine.”

And in one breath, everything screeches to a standstill and a trickle of very real fear creeps down your spine. There’s no mistaking his implication, not when he’s holding your face like that, his eyes dark and simmering with an intensity that makes your stomach flip.

“W-what?”

Getou closes the gap between you two, a startled noise leaving your lips as his hips press flush up against you. “Don’t play stupid, sweet thing,” he murmurs, and it sounds like a warning, “It doesn’t suit you.”

One hand slips to your neck, the other curling almost possessively around your waist. There’s no room for you to move, to back away or free yourself. For a moment, neither of you speak, the heavy silence deafening between you.

Does he notice the way your pulse races under his fingertips as they circle your throat, how you’re shaking like a leaf beneath him? Does he want you afraid? A scared little bunny rabbit cowering from the gaping maw of the big, bad wolf? 

Judging from the bulge of his semi-hard cock pressing into the soft flesh of your belly, he’s not entirely unaffected, and for the first time it’s not Getou’s gun or his threats that you’re most afraid of. 

It’s the selfish, twisted want that glitters and glints in those pitiless depths. You’ve never felt so entirely at somebody else’s mercy as you do with Getou now, staring you down like he wants to lay you bare, claim you again and again for all the world to see. And you don’t understand. There’s a thousand and one questions running through your mind, your insides twisted up into knots. 

You know what it is he’s asking of you – though asking feels like a generous word when he can so easily just take – but none of this makes sense, not when he was threatening your family’s lives only minutes ago. 

As if he can sense the turmoil and confusion raging through you, he leans down, his lips ghosting over the outer shell of your ear. “Tell me to stop, and I’ll walk away right now.”

I am a man of my word. 

His earlier statement rings through your head as you search his face for any sign of deception – you find none. But walking away means your sister dies. It means you’re left on your own to fend off the wolves when they find out what you’ve done.

Nanami might believe you. He might even defend you, but you’ve worked in the Prosecutor’s office long enough to know that duress isn’t the bulletproof defence people think it is, and for tangling with the likes of him…

You were screwed the moment he showed up in your living room, this- this is just the coup de grâce. The final damnation.

“Why me?” 

Getou doesn’t answer, but when he draws you into a kiss, his lips moving torturously slow against yours, there’s an edge of… something there, lying hidden just beneath the surface. And it terrifies you, more than his words and his promises ever could.

But when your back’s to the wall, what choice do you really have?

It feels like defeat when he takes you by the hand and leads you into your bedroom, ignoring the uncertain glance you cast over your shoulder towards the living room. You don’t want any of this, but you can pretend that it’s just… business if he fucks you out there.

Not in the bed you sleep in.

It’d be easier, you think, if it was cold and impersonal. If you cried and it stung and the only sounds in the room were flesh hitting flesh, ragged breathing and an occasional rough grunt.

There’s nothing impersonal about the way he watches you strip out of your clothes at his command. His own join yours on the floor without much ceremony – his gun pointedly set just within reach atop your nightstand.

The first time you’d laid eyes on Getou Suguru, it was two months into your new job; a photograph pinned to a thick, heavy file Nanami had dropped on your desk. A surveillance picture, you’d gathered, snapped as the man was exiting some neon lit club downtown. And you remembered the smug smirk he’d had, staring directly down the lens of the camera like it was a challenge, but that wasn’t what had struck you most.

It was the flutter of interest that’d shot through your veins the moment before common sense kicked in. Tall and fit, with long, dark hair swept up in the wind, a sharp jaw and a handsome face, you remember thinking he was probably the most attractive man you’d ever seen.

Now, standing naked before you, bright, colourful tattoos inked across his torso, accentuating the muscles that rise and fall with every measured breath, you can’t bear to look. It’s easier just to stare at the wooden floorboards, the corner of the shagged rug you’d bought at a thrift store when you first moved in. Easier to pretend Getou isn’t pulling you closer once more, pressing searing, open mouthed kisses along your neck, murmuring words that are lost to you entirely as his hands wander. You can feel it now, the heat of his body as he cages you in, his cock, thick and heavy and flushed nudging insistently up against your stomach.

You expect him to shove you to your knees, to force his cock down your throat in some archaic show of dominance before he claims your cunt, but he doesn’t. 

“I want you to touch yourself for me,” he whispers into your ear, teeth catching lightly on the sensitive lobe as you shiver. “Like you do when I’m not here, those pretty legs spread, fucking yourself on your fingers…”

The comment feels too familiar to be entirely offhanded, striking a chord of panic somewhere deep inside of you–

But it doesn’t make a difference. It doesn’t matter now.

You allow him to kiss you again before climbing onto the mattress. Like a good girl, you fall back onto the pillows, let your legs ease apart, wrapping your lips around two fingers and sucking for a brief moment before gliding your hand down between your thighs. 

His breath hitches, a soft curse sounding when saliva slicked digits spread your folds, the tip of your middle finger brushing lightly against your clit as you stroke your pussy. Your nipples harden and peak under the cool night air and you use your free hand to palm at your breast, pinching and teasing at the sensitive bud while one finger slips into the warmth of your cunt. 

The mattress dips, Getou climbing onto the bed, settling himself back on his knees, your spread legs either side of him.

“Beautiful,” he breathes. 

Your heart stutters, movements jerking as you brace for him to interfere, to touch you, but aside from nudging your thighs further apart to get a better view of your glistening cunt, he seems content simply to sit back and watch, his own hand lazily stroking at his cock.

Trying in vain to block him out, you squeeze your eyes shut and focus on the way your fingers feel between your legs, the pleasure–

 (Not the shame, don’t think about that, don’t think about Getou watching you debase yourself for his enjoyment)

–that pools in your core as you rub the shining pearl of your clit. It’s a familiar dance, a routine you’d normally help along with a glass of wine and a few faithful toys, but you don’t exactly have that luxury here.

And even with the rigid tension in your shoulders, the unwanted presence of a man you’re terrified of impossible to ignore, you can’t help the quiet moan that slips past your lips, the way your hips stutter, grinding against the heel of your palm as your fingers hit that sweet, delightful spot inside of you. 

Getou tenses at the sound, the last, fragile thread of his composure snapping–

He strikes fast. One moment you’re biting down on your bottom lip, your index and middle fingers knuckle deep in your dripping pussy, the next he’s braced atop you, one hand locked around your wrist, the other propping himself up. And as your eyes fly open with a startled cry, his lips crash against your once more – desperate and ravenous, his tongue forcing its way into your mouth to taste you.

And you don’t fight it when he pulls your hand from your pussy and drags it to his crotch, his fingers entwining with yours as he wraps them around his heavy, throbbing cock and moans. It’s humiliating, the way he thrusts into your hand, tightening his grip so you’re forced to feel every shivery twitch of his dick while he sucks eagerly on your tongue.

This is the choice you’d made, the deal you struck. It’s too late to back out now, and even if you tried to… 

“I want you,” he pants, his lips glistening with saliva, an almost manic look in those dark, pretty eyes, “to ride me.”

… you’re not so sure Getou would let you.

So you allow yourself to be manhandled, lifted and situated across his lap like a doll. Hands braced on his tattooed chest, you lift your hips just enough for him to guide his cock to your slick entrance before slowly sinking down onto his length.

Every inch hurts. 

It doesn’t make it any less painful, the way Getou soothes you, his thumbs stroking gently at your waist as you whine and mewl, feeling every ridge and vein of his cock as he stuffs you full.

“Fuck– good girl, taking me so well,” he purrs.

You’re not sure if it’s shame, pleasure, or some sense of twisted pride at the praise that has your pussy clenching, fire racing through your veins when Getou experimentally rocks his hips upwards. And if your cheeks weren’t already burning, the lewd moan that escapes you when the head of his cock hits your g-spot would certainly do the trick. 

Ever observant, he wastes no time capitalising on your slip, lifting you up just to drive you back down onto his length at the perfect angle. You shudder around him, keening out a cry that has him groaning in pleasure.

There’s no illusion of control here between you two.

You might be the one on top, but Getou’s grip’s too tight, guiding every roll of your hips against his, his own rising in time to fuck his cock deeper into your warm, velvety cunt. And somewhere distantly you recognise that this could be a thousand times worse. How easily he could change the narrative in a heartbeat, flip you over, force your face into the pillows and fuck you like a dog until you’re gasping for air. He could use you, hurt you, probably kill you without ever needing to touch the gun he’d left on your nightstand – and you wouldn’t have a hope in hell of stopping him.

But he doesn’t. Lying back against your pillows, dark hair falling from his half up-do, cheeks flushed from exertion, Getou’s attention is wholly fixed on you - on your face, eyes screwed shut, bottom lip caught between your teeth as he hits somewhere deep inside of you that has you seeing stars, on your tits, the way they bounce every time you sink back down onto his cock.

His eyes are hooded, dark and intense, searching for every hint of pleasure he’s drawn from you. You gasp his name, fingers digging into his chest, your cunt fluttering so deliciously around him – and he loses that last little bit of his self control. 

He jerks upright, one arm wrapping around your waist to anchor you to him as he braces himself with the other, and before you can so much as gasp his mouth is at your tits, hot tongue laving at soft, supple skin there.

“Suguru,” he growls, hips snapping feverishly against yours. 

“Suguru,” you parrot, head lolling back as heat coils tighter in your core. 

You’ll worry about the consequences later, when he pulls you boneless and sated into his arms and you feel his heart thumping at your back as he kisses you and tells you to sleep. When tomorrow you arrive at work and Nanami stares a beat too long as the love bites scattered across your throat, no doubt wondering why you won’t so much as look at him.

For now, you settle for pulling him closer, gasping as you chase that quaking, blissful end.

[thornedrose44]

Prompt: "Do it. Take a chance, I'm begging you. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been."

Read on AO3

“What is it?” Kara huffed out, her frustration finally reaching critical mass.

“What’s what?” Alex replied, playing dumb by pretending to study the DEO’s monitors far too intently considering Kara had literally just dispatched the rogue villain of the week.

Kara crossed her arms, hip cocked forward slightly as she leant against the central console, blue eyes observing her sister's profile closely.

“Whatever you’re not telling me because you think it will upset me.” The superhero clarified bluntly, her social hesitation and uncertainty having dampened over the last few years.

She had learnt the hard way how important it was to never shy away from the truth and avoid speaking around the heart of the matter. It was a lesson she had absorbed completely, and it was one she refused to forget - needing to prove she had evolved, had bettered herself from the version that had required teaching in the first place.

“I’m not…” Alex refuted, shrugging dismissively but keeping her gaze trained forward, “There’s no-“

“Look, I’m asking you out of courtesy,” Kara cut in, “but you and I both know that I could just as easily ask Nia, and she would fold almost instantly.”

Alex grumbled irritably under her breath - Nia still had yet to build an effective resistance to Kara’s puppy dog eyes and this particular weakness had caused no small amount of trouble for Alex over the last five years.

“It is Lena related, right?” Kara checked, though it was completely unnecessary.

For Alex to actively try and keep a secret from her, it couldn’t be about anything else. And it had been more or less confirmed by her sister's reaction to her threatening to go to Nia.

“Just because I’m keeping a secret, doesn’t automatically mean it’s to do with Lena.” Alex tried, though the conviction behind her statement was weaker than wet tissue paper.

The redhead side-eyed her and Kara merely had to arch an unimpressed eyebrow in return for the DEO director to deflate.

“Okay maybe it’s a little to do with Lena.” Alex admitted with a wince, rubbing the back of her neck in defeat.

Kara threw her hands up in exasperation. “It’s been over five years, okay? I’m fine!”

Her bellowed declaration of stability, made the nearby DEO agents look over with a mix of curiosity and concern. Kara grimaced at the reaction and as such didn’t resist when Alex grabbed her arm and dragged her out of the central room and into her private office.

Alex turned to face her fully, lips pressed tight together and hands firm on her own hips (it had always annoyed Kara that Alex managed to make her signature superhero pose far more intimidating than her own attempts).

“Yelling I’m fine, definitely helps your case.” Alex retorted, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Kara had the good grace to look suitably embarrassed for a moment before launching into the same variation of the speech she gave every time there was a morsel of Lena news to be had. “I screwed up, okay? Big time screwed up - ‘regret it for the rest of my life’ screwed up!” Kara declared prompting a beleaguered sigh from her sister who knew the blatant lie that was coming next. “But I’ve made my peace with it. I won’t spiral into another depressive episode when I hear how happy she is.”

Alex shook her head, not even remotely convinced - not that Kara could blame her, the last time Alex had been pestered into telling her a Lena update, Kara had spent a weekend on a drinking binge that had successfully proven that there were limits even for a kryptonian.

“I don’t think-“ Alex began.

“What is it?” Kara demanded. “Is she getting another medal from the president?”

Alex shook her head, jaw clenching and unclenching. “Kara, you don’t want to know this.”

“Her and Kal save the world again?” Kara barrelled on, her lips curling into a jealous snarl. “The greatest Luthor and Super duo continue to make the world a better place?”

That particular news article had been printed and burned by Kara’s heat vision more times than she dared admit to anyone.

“Kara, please-“ Alex begged, expression crumpling as Kara relentlessly pushed.

“Tell me, I can take it.” Kara proclaimed, voice coming out high pitched and strained. “Is she dating someone again? Another famous actress? That Olympic male gymnast? What-“

“She’s getting married.”

A bomb must have gone off, Kara thought to herself.

A kryptonite bomb.

It was the only thing that could explain the ringing in her ears, and the way everything just… hurt.

A shard of kryptonite must have pierced her chest and cut her heart into jagged pieces. That was the only thing that could explain it.

“What?” She questioned, barely above a whisper. She didn’t quite recognise her own voice - it sounded shattered and unfamiliar. She also didn’t know what she was asking.

Didn’t know what ‘what’ was all about.

What just happened?

What did you say?

What post-apocalyptic reality are we living in now?

“Next week, she’s getting married.” Alex explained, giving Kara answers she no longer wanted. “Sam, Ruby, Kal and Lois are invited.”

She knew it should sting. Not being invited even though they hadn’t spoken in nearly five years. That she should feel something about the fact that Lena had omitted Alex, Brainy, Nia and J’onn as well - it further reinforced how Lena believed them to be Kara’s friends and never hers (which was one of the things Kara regretted most - how her poor treatment of Lena had infected and destroyed everyone else’s friendship with the youngest Luthor).

“To who?” Kara asked, tone cold, hollow… empty.

“Kara,” Alex murmured softly, reaching out to comfort her sister, “this clearly isn’t good for you.”

Kara jerked backwards so fast that the papers on Alex’s desk shot into the air, fluttering down around the sisters like snow.

“Just tell me!” Kara ordered, hands turned into white knuckle fists at her sides that would be capable of tearing through the strongest of metals. Her eyes heated but she managed to stave the fire in them as she glowered at her sister.

Alex slumped back, leaning heavily against her desk, running a frantic hand through her short hair. “Does it matter?” Alex muttered defeatedly, brown eyes filled with pity and sympathy as she stared up into Kara’s eyes.

“Of course it fucking matters,” Kara snapped in outrage before she had a chance to stop and think , “because it’s not me!”

The admission hung heavy and rotting between them. It wasn’t a revelation to either of them, though the fact that the intensity of Kara’s feelings hadn’t dampened despite the separation of half a decade was.

“Kara…” Alex breathed, standing back up and moving towards the blonde with the obvious intent of hugging her.

“I should get back to CatCo.” Kara mumbled, cheeks a fiery red with shame. She stepped hurriedly away from her sister and was already halfway out the door before she halted, turning back to call out a sad yet sincere. “Thanks for telling me.”

Xxx

“I genuinely don’t get why you love these films so much.” Lena remarked, hands cupping her just made cup of cocoa, nose adorably scrunched up as she snuggled back down on the sofa beside Kara, who didn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around her best friend’s shoulders.

“They’re sweet and romantic.” Kara replied with a happy sigh, turning to nuzzle into the side of Lena’s head for a fleeting moment as the film’s lead started her joyful march down the aisle. “It makes me hopeful.”

“Hopeful?” Lena repeated curiously, leaning away slightly so she could meet Kara’s blue eyes.

Kara shrugged, ducking her head bashfully, “It’s stupid.”

“Hey,” Lena murmured gently, freeing a hand from her mug so that she could interlace her warmed fingers with Kara’s, “you could never be stupid, especially not about something like this.” Her best friend asserted, before asking seriously, “You want the classic big white wedding?”

“Uh…” Kara blushed, cheeks pinking as her mind struggled to kick into gear.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena that the reason she loved weddings more than any other event is because they so closely resembled Kryptonian Bonding ceremonies. That the exchanging of rings, polished everlasting metal, reminded her of wonderfully crafted bracelets clasped on wrists. That it was an occasion for family to join together across generations, for the rare flashes of art and music on Krypton to take centre stage over cold science.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena that after being alone, abandoned and lost - ripped away from her home in the cruelest of ways - that the idea of belonging to someone else, of having a home in someone else regardless of time or location was what Kara wanted more than anything else.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena because it would require admitting the truth of who she really was, it would require taking accountability for years of lies.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena without losing her forever.

“Yeah.” Kara coughed awkwardly, “I want the whole thing. Beautiful dress, surrounded by family… the love of my life at the end of the aisle. Everything.” She shot Lena a side-long glance, “I’m guessing you don’t?”

“Never really been my thing,” Lena admitted readily and Kara’s heart twisted at how Lena didn’t hesitate to bare herself, how she gave all of herself when it could be argued that Kara - at best - only gave half, “probably because I can’t imagine I have enough people in my life to invite and feel ‘surrounded’.” Lena pursed her lips thoughtfully, “I also don’t get the need for the spectacle. Just the idea that there’s someone out there that would want to…” Kara watched her best friend deflate, expression wistful and pained, “be with me, love me like that… that’s more than enough.”

Kara’s eyes stung with barely suppressed tears at how little Lena thought of herself. Whoever had the privilege of marrying her best friend would be the single luckiest and most fortunate person in the universe and Kara wished Lena knew that, wished she believed it. But when she opened her mouth to say it, to proclaim it, her breath faltered and her courage abandoned her… like it always did with the youngest Luthor.

“So no white dress?” Kara muttered instead, voice meek and lacking the lightheartedness that should have carried the question.

It didn’t matter, though, Lena let out a quick exhale that resembled something on the edge of laughter. Kara’s escalating heart rate settled at that, however, it did little to alleviate the pang of regret that was steadily accompanying all her interactions with the CEO.

“Well, I guess I could be convinced by someone special.” Lena teased, shooting Kara an overtly salacious wink that wouldn’t - on the surface - be considered genuine.

“Anyone that marries you will have to be special.” Kara replied, the statement tumbling out instantly.

It wasn’t the heartfelt confession that Kara wished it to be and it wasn’t quite light enough to be dismissed as a friendly reassurance. Instead, it was yet another thing that fell into the ethereal greyness that lied between them, something to tuck away and think back on late at night when they tried to work out if the other meant it the way they wished they did.

“Yeah?” Lena whispered, piercing green eyes studying Kara’s face closely.

Kara swallowed thickly, “Yeah.”

Xxx

Lena found out less than six weeks after that movie night. They defeated Lex and Kara had been on the edge of breathing easy, of being able to simply relax back into her life when it all came crashing down.

They had been at Games Night and Kara had been antsy, waiting for her best friend to arrive. The thought of pulling Lena into a hug had been what she had been looking forward to most all day.

Kara was at peace, laughing and drinking with her friends - her family - when Lena had arrived. Kara had beamed up at her immediately and for a second Lena’s entrancing green eyes lit up in return before turning dark and distant.

Kara’s smile faltered, crinkle appearing between her brows when-

The wine bottle smashed into the wall behind Kara’s head.

Deathly silence fell over the area.

Kara looked into hollow, emptied out versions of her favourite green. She would have preferred anger, fury, rage… the defeated nothingness staring back at the Kryptonian was far worse.

Lena turned and left, grinding Kara’s heart to dust and taking the sand particles left with her.

She knew.

She knew because Lex had told her.

She knew because she had gone to stop her brother, intent on saving the world like always only to find out that those she was saving the world for didn’t view her as their equal. That the people she treated as family had kept her on the outskirts. That her best friend had lied, had manipulated, had-

xxx

It was Lois that found out everything from Lena.

When the fallout had happened, as Kara and the Superfriends realised what they had lost, the blonde hero sent notice to her cousin that his identity was probably known as well (mostly because she remembered how hurt she had been when Kal shared her secret without her consent). Kal and Lois had arrived almost immediately, frantic and terrified (especially with baby Jon to consider) at the concept of a Luthor knowing their identity.

Kara, joined by all the Superfriends, quickly put their minds to rest, sharing Lena’s actions from before, her dependability, kindness and inherent goodness. Kal and Lois were convinced their secret was safe but they were horrified to hear how Lena had been isolated and kept at arms length after her considerable good deeds. Alex and the others had squirmed uncomfortably and tried to weakly talk around their hesitancy.

Kal and Lois had simply looked at Kara for an explanation but she had none. Yet again the words would not come.

It was Lois, therefore, that had sought out the youngest Luthor and through her incredible tenacity was able to gain access where everyone else was rebuffed and harshly rejected.

It was Lois that comforted Lena, gave her support and sympathy.

It was Lois that relayed Lena’s demand that they give her space.

It was Lois that suggested Lena return to Metropolis - presenting it as a way to celebrate how L-Corp, after Lena’s repeated sacrifices and heroism, was fully rehabilitated and ready to reclaim its once home.

It was Lois that encouraged Lena and Kal to work together becoming an unstoppable force that Kara and Lena had always danced on the precipice of.

A Luthor and a Super. Saving the world.

xxx

Kara did as asked. Gave Lena space. Or at least the semblance of space.

She checked in constantly, hovered nearby throughout the days and nights leading upto L-Corp’s departure and Lena along with it. She followed Lena’s jet to Metropolis, a sentinel ensuring safe passage.

She kept her distance for three months. Three months of stony silence before she broke.

Snapped, more like.

Landing on Lena’s new balcony in Metropolis that had been specially built for Superman this time - not for her, though Kara, at the time, had hoped that she had been considered consciously or unconsciously as well.

Kara couldn’t remember the exact words.

She remembered crying from beginning to end.

Remembered ‘I loved you’ - past tense.

Remembered finally breaking through Lena’s cold, hardened shell to the raw, bleeding wound hidden underneath and regretting it almost immediately.

Remembered how seeing Lena’s agony was worse than kryptonite, worse than watching Krypton burn…

Remembered Lena saying she needed time to heal, for Kara to stop hovering nearby - because she knew, she sensed Kara’s presence even without seeing her once - and to give her time to stop thinking of Kara and feeling only pain when she did so.

Remembered promising to do just that.

Remembered a timer starting to count in her head - the seconds that she would be condemned to purgatory.

Remembered the hope that just refused to go out - the hope that whispered give it time, give it time, give it time with every beat of her heart.

Remembered thinking that given enough time Lena would reach out and they would get the chance that Kara had almost destroyed for them.

Remembered flying zig-zagged and dangerous to Alex where her endless stream of tears returned to full flow as she sobbed into her sister’s shoulder using words and phrases like ‘heartbroken’ and ‘I love her’ and ‘I can’t survive this pain’ and ‘what do I do?’ and ‘I can’t breathe’.

Remembered a hollowed out shell of Kara Danvers moving through the motions for a year, for two, three, four… five...

Remembered taking up drinking to excess whenever she saw Lena’s life flourish and grow - not because she didn’t want Lena to be happy, that was what Kara wanted and wished for more than anything - because she wasn’t there with her for those life-changing events.

Remembered Alex and Kelly’s worries growing with each occurrence, intervening more and more to such a degree that they encouraged Kara to consider AA meetings - she did eventually, and found destroying entire junkyards to be a healthier coping mechanism, external destruction rather than internal.

Remembered Brainy at the behest of Alex, setting up Kara’s phone and computer to prevent searching for any keywords affiliated to Lena and to alert Alex if Kara ever managed to stumble upon a news article.

Remembered listening to Kal and Lois skipping large parts of stories where it was clear that Lena was involved - it was nice in some way to know Lena was getting the credit she deserved, but it hurt when Kal’s stories started to involve gaps at Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year (events that made Kara’s loneliness even more acute and her longing intensify).

Remembered her life without Lena.

Remembered regret and guilt and loss.

Remembered-

“She’s getting married.”

xxx

Kara shouldn’t have been there. Shouldn’t be anywhere in the vaguest vicinity of where she currently was.

The bride was dressed in a simple silky white shift, sipping intermittently from her champagne glass as she stared contemplatively up at the designer white dress hanging off the door in front of her. Raven locks were pinned up, so tight and intricate that it made Kara wince sympathetically at how it must tug and pinch at the bride’s scalp - she’d always preferred it down, loose and curling… soft and inviting. The bride’s make-up was artistic with a dramatic edge that would captivate but made her look… not like herself in Kara’s opinion.

Or maybe after five years it made Lena look more like herself - the version of herself she had become once free of Kara and all the pain she brought into her life.

She was hovering outside the dressing room window, trying to work out how far she was willing to take this. If it would be better to leave without saying anything, to try and leave some part of Lena’s life unspoiled.

It was the fear that she had always given into when she was best friends with Lena that made her decision for her. Like speaking her truth and learning to ask for what she wanted - Kara had also promised herself that she would never allow that bone deep fear to stop her ever again.

The window was open and it was as good an invite as Kara was ever going to get.

“Lena?”

The beautiful bride-to-be jerked in her place, champagne glass nearly tumbling to the floor but saved at the last second.

She didn’t turn around for a beat… then two…

Kara was just about to escape back through the window when Lena exhaled slowly and pivoted round to meet her.

“Kara?” Lena breathed out, green eyes closed off and wary.

The kryptonian studied the love of her life for a moment, taking in every little detail - soaking it all up as if accepting that this would be the last time she might ever get to see it again. That the timer that had counted past five years would stop after this moment, the hope powering it gone forever.

“Don’t marry them, please.” Kara requested, no flowery language, no build up. Just the honest truth.

“What?” Lena’s jaw dropped and the champagne glass didn’t survive the second shock, crashing to the ground - released by trembling fingers.

“Don’t marry them.” Kara repeated, uncaring of how the carpet below them soaked up the amber liquid.

Lena’s expression flitted through an array of emotions before settling on indignant rage, “And why the hell not?!”

Kara didn’t flinch, didn’t retreat, instead she stood taller, the crest of her super suit catching the early afternoon light. “Because it should have been me. It still should be me.”

Lena scoffed in disbelief, “You can’t be serious. Now? You’re doing this now?”

Kara pursed her lips, fighting back the regret that always came with the reminders of countless missed opportunities. “Yes.”

The straightforwardness of Kara’s answers seemed to be throwing Lena, leaving her wrong-footed, clearly expecting the blonde to talk around and hint and imply like she used to.

But Kara had learnt. (The lesson had been too painful not to.)

“You had years, Kara!” Lena argued, “Years where I…. I threw myself at you. Practically begged you to love me… to trust me…”

“I know.” Kara replied sadly, wanting desperately to reach out when Lena’s pretty green eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. “I know. But I’m here now.”

“I don’t want you to be.” Lena muttered, arms crossed over her chest and head ducked downwards to hide her expression.

“I know that too.” Kara assured, fingers twitching with the desire to make contact, to comfort and coax - even after all these years her body remembered, the pathways of hardwired instinct related to her best friend were still there, still active even if temporarily closed for service.

“Then why are you here?” Lena murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Lena’s head snapped up at that, green eyes like saucers.

Kara’s single biggest regret was that she had never said those words to Lena before, had alluded and pointed at them during their final interaction but had never outright said them. And Lena had deserved to hear them then and deserved to hear them now to forever vanquish the doubts that had always been with her.

“Because I’m in love with you and we didn’t get our chance.” Kara affirmed, taking a half step closer to the bride, her red heeled boots and Lena’s bare feet meaning the younger woman had to tip her head ever so slightly back to maintain eye contact. “We didn’t get our chance because of me. Because I was afraid, I was so afraid of losing you. Of doing even the slightest thing that could mean you weren’t in my life. And in the end every action I took out of fear of losing you ensured just that. I’ve spent five years without you, Lena, and I can’t bear a single day more.”

“Kara,” Lena whispered, “I’m getting married.”

“I know.” Kara smiled sadly before adding, “Don’t.”

“What are you suggesting? Seriously?” Lena sighed, shaking her head mournfully and Kara knew she was losing her then.

“I’m suggesting that we have our chance now before it's gone forever.”

Gathering the small amount of courage Kara had left, she tentatively let her hands nudge forwards, brushing against Lena’s cool, pale fingers. That small contact was everything. Made it easier to breathe, made the colours of the world more vibrant, made everything just more.

“I let fear hold me back from the person that made me happiest in the entire universe and I won’t let it hold me back again.”

“Kara…” Lena whimpered, glancing back over her shoulder at the closed door that her wedding dress was displayed on, though she didn’t pull her hand away from Kara’s touch, didn’t flinch or retreat.

“Do it.” Kara pleaded, stepping across that final slither of distance between them, her forehead leaning forward to rest gently against the side of Lena’s, “Take a chance, I’m begging you. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.”

Lena inhaled shakily, head returning to forward facing - foreheads pressed against one another, breathing in the same air - and then… and then…

Lena’s hands slipped fully into Kara’s, fingers intertwining together.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

HOTD Ep 8 Review/Analysis (Spoilers)

Whew this episode wrecked me, I was not expecting to be so emotionally moved as I was. I say this every week but I really do think this is one of the best episodes of the season, they really do just keep outdoing themselves. I think whilst last episode was the most intense of the season this one was hands down the most emotional. A lot of what brought out such emotional responses from the audience this episode was due to the actors’ performances, I really cannot applaud them all enough. But I do have to praise Paddy in particular, the man deserves an emmy, his performance was just flawless in this episode. Anyway here are my thoughts on the episode as always a spoiler warning applies. 

Heir to the Driftwood Throne

We open the episode learning that six years have past and that Rhaenys has not seen Corlys in those six years as he has been once again fighting in the Step Stones. We don’t know much about why Corlys returned to the step stones but I could see it being because of the loss of his children and the tension between him and his wife, that he is using the step stones as a way to escape from that pain and deal with his anger and grief at the whole mess. It is sad though that he is now potentially on his death bed but he has been away from his wife for so long, I hope that he pulls through and that we get to see him reconcile with Rhaenys because I do believe that these two genuinely love each other despite being estranged at the moment. I think you can see that Rhaenys is worried for her husband despite the distance between them she is pained at the thought of him being wounded and she clearly does not want him to die. This scene between Rhaenys and Vaemond perfectly sets up what this episode is going to be about, its once again this question of blood vs name and I saw this scene very much as a continuation of the one between Rhaenys and Corlys from ep 7. Vaemond clearly, like Rhaenys last ep, cares more about ensuring the bloodline as opposed to legacy like Corlys. I do think Vaemond believes he is in the right and that Driftmark should be his but I also think he is seizing an opportunity here, he is taking advantage of the fact that the King is incapacitated and that the Greens are the ones in power and that they will seize any opportunity to weaken Rhaenyra and her claim to the Iron Throne. When Rhaenys warns Vaemond that the King would have his tongue for saying that Rhaenyra’s children are not legitimate he replies that it doesn’t matter because its the Queen that has the power right now. 

News update, yeah Otto is still manipulating his daughter, who would have guessed. It does seem like in those six years since we last saw her Alicent has deepened her connection with religion, she has always been all about doing your duty and what not but I do think that after having her darker side come out, when she demanded an eye in payment for Aemond losing his and cutting Rhaenyra, I can understand why she turned even more into her religion and being guided by the gods. She is trying to curb those darker instincts to keep herself on track, I do think she regretted how she behaved and is searching for some redemption there. But she is failing to recognise the snake in her garden of paradise, her father. He is still pulling the strings and we see this in that scene between Otto, Alicent and Vaemond in the small council room. Alicent is clearly uncomfortable with the situation but Otto uses fearmongering to scare Alicent into making a deal with Vaemond, just as he did in episode 5 when he is removed as Hand of the king and he plants the seed in Alicent’s head that Rhaenyra is a threat to her children. Now he is telling her that war is nearing and that if that happens they can’t have a child in charge of the most powerful fleet in the realm. It’s kind of a moot point though because I would assume that just as she ahs sat in his seat during his absence at war Rhaenys would act on Lucerys behalf, or at least guide him, until he came of age. So it wouldn’t be leaving the fleet entirely in the hands of a child. But still Otto uses this as a way to manipulate Alicent to convince her this is what is best for the realm. The pot is sweetened of course by Vaemond pointing out that the as the Lord of the Tides he would be indebted to the Hightowers all but confirming that he would give his support to Aegon’s succession should the King die which would give them a huge advantage over Rhaenyra as they would have the most powerful fleet at their disposal, the seas effectively would be theirs to rule. This lends her son a lot of protection and as that previous seed Otto planted has bloomed into a paranoia over the years, combined with her son losing an eye the last time the Blacks and Greens were together, it makes this deal with Vaemond all the more appealing to Alicent. There was something that irritated me with this scene though and it is something that irritates me alot when it comes to the Greens and that is they put on this show of being by the law, of holding up the values of the seven, of holding up duty, the law, family and yet here they are conniving and plotting behind closed doors. They’ve already decided that Vaemond will be heir to Driftmark in this room which makes the pageant of hearing all the petitions and acting like its all fair and by the book nothing more than a farce. Sometimes I just can’t take how hypocritical they are as they will call Rhaenyra out and try and shame her for not doing her duty or for breaking the law, for being dishonest and yet they flout it all themselves as well. 

The scene between Rhaenys and Rhaenyra in the God’s Wood was an interesting one. There is clearly alot of tension there due to the fact that Rhaenys believes that Rhaenyra played a hand in her son’s death. The deal that Rhaenyra offers Rhaenys is a good one. I said myself after ep 7 that it would make sense to marry Daemon’s daughters to Rhaenyra’s sons as that would ensure that both the Velaryon name and blood would inherit Driftmark one day, also as the added bonus marrying Jace and Baela means that one day Velaryon blood will also sit on the Iron Throne. I found it had to really work out what Rhaenys’ intentions were in this scene. Rhaenyra says that she believes that Rhaenys plans to advocate for herself  but we never hear Rhaenys confirm it or deny it. When Rhaenyra says ‘what does it matter’ after Rhaenys says her offer is either a generous one or a desperate one and Rhaenys replied ‘you are right in this at least. It does not matter.’ I watched that moment over and over trying to get a read on what exactly Rhaenys was thinking there, when she tells Rhaenyra that she can bargain as much as she likes but tomorrow the Hightowers will bring Rhaenyra to her knees I don’t think she was being malicious or mean like I first thought. Rhaenys seem to me to be very tired and alone, her children are dead, her husband is gravely wounded, her brother in law is trying to get Driftmark for himself and cares little for her, her grandsons are not her son’s by blood, she has slowly watched House Velaryon crumble apart. She has watched her husband strive to give his family a legacy and seen how that has led their house to calamity, I think she’s now at the point where she believes the sacrifices made were not worth the outcome, in the end it all came to nothing, it didn’t matter. The cost was disproportionate to the prize. So when Rhaenyra offers her this perfect solution, the perfect deal that could enhance her family’s house, give them more power and ensure the continuation of their line, a deal she knows her husband would take, she just feels numb to it. She reminds me a little in this episode of Viserys in ep 3 where he was just done with all the politicking. I think Rhaenys in this moment is done too, she’s had enough and she just doesn’t care anymore, what does she really have left to fight for? Her granddaughters maybe, I mean she is right when she says Rhaenyra brought Rhaena with her to soften her resolve, but I think whilst Rhaenys cares about her granddaughters she does not want to continue playing this game and risk losing them like she did her children. 

But I also think when she looks at Rhaenyra in this moment its like she is looking in a mirror, she is seeing herself. A mother who wanted the best for her children, who is trapped in this political game and who is frightened and desperate. A woman who knows what it is like for a realm to disregard you as an heir and think a male should be Ruler in your place purely because you are a woman. I think it is very telling that Rhaenys says ‘and I must stand alone’ when she says the Greens will bring Rhaenyra to her knees. I think she believes that Rhaenyra has already lost to the Greens, that there is no escaping her fate, that this is the way of things and so now Rhaenys has lost even that last ally she had, now she must stand alone.  

As Rhaenys leaves you can see the look of absolute despair and desperation come crashing down on Rhaenyra, Emma just played that moment so well. You can see the fear and utter helplessness she feels as she too must feel like she is standing alone against the world. The scene where she goes to her fathers bedside at night was another moment that just tore at my heart. This was the moment when you realise just how heavy a burden it has been for Rhaenyra to be heir to the throne, to have everyone be against her and to face challenges to her right as heir at every turn, to be used by others for whatever they can gain politically. To bear the pressure of providing heirs whilst she and her husband struggle to have children together, to then out of desperation have children by another man just so that you have those heirs and because at least this other man made you feel desired and you got some joy form it, to then fear for the fate of those children because now others are using them as weapons against you and your claim and then on top of all that to have this secret knowledge of an upcoming apocalypse that you have the responsibility to make sure the realm remains united and that your bloodline continues because you believe the only way to save the literal world is to have a Targaryen on the throne. As she herself says its a burden too heavy to carry on her own. This is why she pleads with her father to defend her. She knows that she is on the brink of potentially losing everything. The whole scene is just so heartbreaking and in that moment she was just a daughter who needed her father. What made it more heartbreaking was that it seems like Viserys is too out of it to understand what she was saying or even that she is really there. It is clear to her that her father is not long for this world and I think that must make her feel alone and lost. 

Protector of the Realm 

My favourite sequence in this whole episode was when Rhaenyra steps up to make her petition on behalf of her son and then the doors open and Viserys enters. It’s amazing to me how they managed to take something as simple as an old man walking down a hall and turn it into something so majestic and epic. The goosebumps this scene gave me and I feel no shame in saying I got all choked up. I loved the look on Rhaenyra’s face when she realises that her father was there for her, that he had found the strength to pull himself out of bed and walk to that throne one more time so that he can defend her, that her heard her when she pleaded to him for his help. The music in this scene was magnificent too I mean Ramin Djawadi never disappoints and once again he hit it out of the park with the soundtrack for this scene. I also found out that the name of this theme is Protector of the Realm and honestly I nearly cried all over again when I found that out because whatever faults Viserys had as King one thing I was always sure of was that he wanted to protect the realm, he wanted the realm to be united. Also in this moment he really shows up as the protector, not just for the realm but for his heir and daughter, the heir and daughter who he believes will be the protector of the realm herself, its a mantle he intends to pass to her. If you wish for me to bear it then defend me and my children, this is what she asks of him and when he shows up for her he is giving her his answer, that he believes that she has the strength to bear it, that he believes in her. To his very end he stands by his promise to her in episode 3, that he will not see her supplanted. 

If Viserys entering the hall had me choked up then I was downright bawling when his crown falls and Daemon comes and picks it up and helps him up to the throne. I spoke about this quite a bit in this post if you want to read my more in depth thoughts on that moment, but I will add to it that what makes this moment so touching is that all Daemon has ever really wanted is to be needed and wanted by his brother. Viserys turns down help from his guard and goes to do the same again after his crown falls until he sees it is Daemon. Here he accepts his brother’s help and he leans on his brother. When that crown falls you can see the utter exhaustion fall over him, he knows he needs to get up those stairs but it is such a struggle for him, I think when he looks over and sees his brother at his side it gives him that remaining strength he needed, as they are walking up the stairs you can see Viserys looking over at his brother now and again as if to draw more strength from him, to remind him to keep climbing these stairs. What makes it so special is that despite everything that has happened between them, all the arguments and the estrangements, when Viserys truly needed him Daemon was there, all that mattered was that they were brothers.

I said above that I thought Rhaenys was done, that she was too tired to continuing playing this game, well maybe I am interpreting it all wrong but I do think that seeing Viserys do this, standing up to defend his daughter, inspires her, gives her some of her strength back, some of that fighting spirit she had back. I think maybe Rhaenys felt helpless and felt like it didn’t matter what she did or said because the men in her life would also have the power to over rule her, they would always have the power, she was passed over for the throne because she was a woman, her husband over ruled her when it came to her wishes with the succession of Driftmark, Vaemond also disregards her and goes over her head to make a deal with the Greens despite her telling him that Corlys wanted Lucerys to inherit. When Viserys asks Rhaenys to speak on behalf of what her husband wanted you can see her surprise for a moment, but then you see her send a triumphant look at Vaemond. In that moment she was given some of her power back, she recognises that she is the one that could be the deciding factor here. She can say anything she wants, that Corlys said he wants her to be his heir, or that he wanted Baela to be, or she could side with Vaemond and say Corlys wanted it to pass to his brother. She is the one with all the cards. It must have been refreshing for her to decide the fate of her house and family for once. What is interesting to me is what she chooses to do with that moment of power that she has, she chooses to accept Rhaenyra’s deal to wed Baela and Rhaena to Jace and Luke. She chooses to back Lucerys’ claim to Driftmark, but I don’t think she really does this for Luke’s sake I think she does it for Rhaenyra and for Baela and for Rhaena. She choses to uplift the other females in her life, to help them raise to positions of power themselves. The fact that it benefits her house as well is a bonus. You can see Rhaenyra looking very surprised that Rhaenys supported her but there is a blink and you miss it moment when Rhaenys turns back to re-join Baela and she looks to Rhaenyra and they share a smile, I loved to see it and I hope these two band together now because I really think they could benefit from each other and they would be a real powerhouse of a pairing. 

He Can Keep His Tongue

The Greens knew they were in trouble the moment they saw Viserys enter the throne room. I loved the looks of shock on their faces and seeing them all look around at each other like this wasn’t part of the plan, what do we do now. Vaemond really does not know how to play this game though, like I understand how frustrated he must be because technically he is telling the truth, I could kind of understand where he was coming from but if you are going to play the game you have to play it smart and Vaemond did not get that message. I think the issue is that the Velaryon’s have alot of pride, we have seen it in the part with Corlys and so there are times when they should really hold their tongue but instead their pride and anger takes over and they lash out. 

Whilst I do understand where Vaemond was coming from I don’t believe him when he said it was a matter of blood not ambition, as if it was really only about blood and him ensuring that his family’s bloodline did not come to an end then he would have been ok with the marriage deal between Luke and Rhaena as that would allow for the continuation of the Velaryon bloodline, as Rhaena does have Velaryon blood. But even after learning of the marriage deal he still challenges the King, I think for a moment Vaemond thought he was going to get Driftmark, that he was going to be Lord of the Tides and have immense power, I suspect it was something of his brother’s that he coveted and he had it at his fingertips only for it to be torn away. His anger at losing Driftmark causes his tongue to loosen, pun intended. I mean I don’t know what he thought was going to happen when he called the King’s grandsons bastards and his daughter a whore but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out it won’t be anything good. I loved how when Vaemond hesitates on the word bastard the first time Daemon whispers ‘say it’ he is challenging Vaemond in this moment, but it is also a threat. Say it and see what happens. Vaemond doesn’t just say it he yells it as loudly as he can, he wants to makes sure that everyone hears. The way Daemon kills him is very Daemon like. I mean the guy deliberately cuts his head off above his mouth just so he can make that quip, ‘he can keep his tongue.’ Daemon really does have some great lines. I also love that Otto yells disarm him, like dude way too late for that damage is done. But then I also love how Daemon just casually says no need and then sheaths his blade, he knows he’s not going to face any consequences for it. 

The ones I feel sorry for in all of this though are Jace, Luke and Joffrey, as they are the ones that are constantly called names and told that they don’t deserve to inherit. They are innocent, they did nothing wrong. Now that they are older they can understand where the allegations come from but that doesn’t change the fact that they grew up believing that Laenor Velaryon was their father, he was the father they knew even if they were also close with Harwin. So it must be so hurtful to them to have people disregard that, to them they are the sons of Laenor despite whose blood runs in their veins. They have to suffer through all of this judgement and to see people not just hurling insults at them but at their mother too so it is understandable why they are sensitive at the subject and why it brings out anger in them. As both Corlys and Lyonel said a dark cloud hangs over them and its something they can’t escape. It only makes me love them more though because despite it they are still sweet and good and well mannered boys.     

The Last Supper

Viserys wanting one last supper with his family was again bittersweet. It was one more shot at getting his family to unite, to mend the rift between them. I am convinced that Viserys has been bitterly and stubbornly hanging on this long because he knew that if he died there would be an all out war between the two sides of his family and that is not what he wanted. I think this shows when he finally sees them happy together and it looks like it has been mended and that is when he finally passes. 

But I want to talk about this meal because it really was such a masterpiece in acting and cinematography, all the dynamics at play. In many ways it was a beautiful and emotional scene but in others it was also a frustrating one. The speech Viserys made really did move me. Up until now when he demanded that they make up and show good will he came to them as their King. But here he takes off his mask and he says he wants them to see him as he is, he comes to them as their father, brother, husband and grandsire. I don’t think he was ever more human and vulnerable than he was in that moment. When he asks them if they can’t do it for the crown then to do it for the old man who loves them all dearly it really got to me. I do think this is what inspires Rhaenyra to make that first move and toast to Alicent. Her father stepped up for her and here Rhaenyra steps up for him in return. But I also think a part of her did miss her friend and longed for the bond she once shared with Alicent. What Rhaenyra says in this moment I think is very important. In the last episode during that dagger scene Alicent in her frustration and anger says ‘I, what have I done but what was expected of me?’ this was a moment where I really did feel Alicent and where she was coming from, she had always done her duty. She was the dutiful daughter and the dutiful wife. She was expected to marry the King and so she did, she was expected to give him heirs and she did, she was expected to take care of him when his health was failing and she did. In this moment Rhaenyra not only recognises that but shows Alicent the gratitude she deserves for that. But I also think it is important that Rhaenyra offers her apology too, it makes me think of back in ep 1 when Alicent says all she wanted was for someone to say they were sorry for what had happened to her, here she gets that too. 

Just like Rhaenyra I think Alicent too has felt sorrow and regret over the loss of the friendship between them. Just like Rhaenyra what Alicent says in return is also important. She recognises that they are both mothers who love their children, she recognises that the actions of both sides were wrought out of love for their children and that in that way they are the same. I also think it is significant that Alicent not only raises her cup to Rhaenyra but to her house too. Alicent has spent much time bringing Rhaenyra’s sons’ legitimacy into question, she disapproved of her relationship with Daemon, yet here she recognises them too, she finally lays it to rest. Of course her stating that Rhaenyra will make a fine queen is also a huge moment for her, she is recognising Rhaenyra as the rightful heir and letting go of that fear she has that Rhaenyra will harm her children. It is clear that Otto is not ok with this sudden turn around but I do think that both Rhaenyra and Alicent’s toasts were genuine and for a moment it seems like everything is going to be ok. But there is also that tension in the air as you are waiting for the other shoe to drop because things are just going too well. This is one of those moments where the Dance could have been avoided which just makes the whole thing so tragic. That scene where everyone is laughing around the table and even Otto is smiling and Viserys is just looking around at his family happy and laughing together was so beautiful and I am happy that this is the last memory he has of his family. It makes me think of what Viserys said to Rhaenyra at the end of ep 3, he wished to see her happy and contented, with a family. There is that moment when he looks over to that side of the table at Rhaenyra and Daemon and all their children and I think he gets his wish in that moment, Rhaenyra is happy and she is contented. I think this is something that Viserys wanted for his whole family. Sadly once he is gone things quickly dissolve. 

So I want to talk about the kids here. Whilst the toasts from Rhaenyra and Alicent were genuine and were healing the same can not be said of the children. I will admit to finding some humour in how every time one of their kids stood up to make a toast the adults immediately tensed up like oh god what are they about to say and is it going to ruin everything. There are a few times where it almost seems like this will happen. There is line that Daemon says at the beginning of the episode that I think applies here ‘has the vipers venom spread so far?’ The truth is that the poison they have spat at each other in the past has spread down to their children and poisoned them against each other too. With them being so young when this happened those seeds have stuck, I think with children being so impressionable, especially young children as they were, it is difficult to undo that damage. There is so much built up resentment and trauma between these children and the saddest part was it didn’t need to be that way. There was a time when they were friends, it was the adults influence and example that lead to them turning on each other. Jace’s toast was very much to cover his angry outburst at Aegon disrespecting Baela and it is interesting because it was clever of Jace to play the gracious part and you can see that Aegon is annoyed at this because he was hoping to show Jace up by getting him angry. I do very much feel like that was Aemond and Aegon’s goal here to antagonise Jace and Luke into a fight because it would make them look bad. So when this fails the first time and Jace instead toasts them it makes him angry. 

Helaena’s toast was so sad, she clearly feels ignored by Aegon but at the same time that is actually probably for the best. But it is also kind of ironic because Aegon was just antagonising Jace by suggesting he would be an unsatisfactory husband and yet in the next moment his own wife is pretty much calling him out for being a lousy husband. What is worrying though is right after Jace’s speech where he says ‘to you and your family’s good health’ Helaena says one of her cryptic prophecy lines, this time it is ‘beware the beast beneath the board.’ To me this line brings to mind rats, we’ve seen alot of them in the episodes and never when something good is going on, rats that hide under the boards of floors and walls. It also makes me think of people doing things in secret, if you do something under the board you are being deceitful or unfair, unlawful. With the term beast it also makes me think of monsters hiding under your bed, needless to say the line didn’t bring about warm happy feelings especially right after the mention of family’s health. 

Jace’s response to Aegon’s nettling and Helaena’s toast is to ask Helaena to dance. Whilst I do think some of it comes out of genuine kindness towards Helaena I also think it was obvious that Jace was trying to annoy Aegon back, he was making a point of actually I am the one who will make the better husband. It also says alot that he makes his excuses to his own betrothed first. That dance scene was so adorable too. But I do feel like Jace very cleverly takes the approach of you can lure more flies to the trap with honey, its the kill them with kindness type attitude.  

Of course it all comes to a head over a pig. A roasted pig is put down in front of Aemond and you see Lucerys trying to hold back laughter before it eventually overcomes him. Needless to say Aemond who is still wounded from the pig prank when they were kids gets upset at this and decides to make a toast of his own. Saluting the three strong boys. This is what pushes Jace over the edge after Vaemond calling them bastards in the hall and then Aegon’s jabs all dinner and he throws a punch at Aemond. Naturally Luke jumps into defend his brother and Aegon slams him into the table. I also caught on a rewatch that Baela goes to jump in to defend Jace too but Rhaena holds her back. The thing is, despite being the ones to turn the fight physical it is still Aemond who looks bad here as it is clear to everyone that he was deliberately antagonising the boys. I do love how Daemon comes in and takes control of the situation with just one gesture. He then stares down Aemond and it is clear what he is saying, do you really want to do this? Just as Daemon challenged Vaemond to ‘say it’ here he is making the same challenge to Aemond, who is at least smarter than Vaemond and holds his tongue walking away instead. I do think that Daemon allows some leniency towards Aemond because that is his brother’s son and a Targaryen but I also think it would only go so far, his loyalty is ultimately with Rhaenyra and her sons. I also think the Aemond has some degree of respect for Daemon after the incident in the throne room, he did look impressed and I do feel like he and Daemon are similar. But I won’t be surprised if at some point we see these two come to blows. 

What is surprising is even after the fight between their children Rhaenyra and Alicent are still on good terms and it still looks like things might work out. Rhaenyra says she’ll take the children back to Dragonstone and then return and I think Alicent is genuine when she says she would like it. Still I can’t help but wonder if that line about how Rhaenyra will return on dragon back is foreshadowing. I do think Rhaenyra will return on dragon back but I don’t think it’ll be as a friend. 

He’s Aegon And Made A Mess Of Things

This was probably the most frustrating scene in the whole episode. Though to be fair I don’t really think it is Viserys’ fault he was all drugged up on milk of the poppy and he thought he was talking to Rhaenyra. It doesn’t help that there are a few too many people running around with the name Aegon. Alicent doesn’t know of the prophecy so I can understand why she thought he was talking about their son but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I also am curious about the legality behind it. Like does a statement a dying King made when clearly not in his right state of mind due to milk of the poppy count as an official naming of an heir. I mean with Rhaenyra he held a whole ass ceremony where he publicly named Rhaenyra as heir and had all the lords swear to her. Here he muttered out some garbled nonsense about a prince who was promised and Aegon’s dream. With Robert he had his wishes written out by Ned on his death bed and then he signed it so in that case at least there was written proof of the King’s wishes (even if Cersei just ripped it up). I just think even if Alicent truly believes, and I think she does, that Viserys was trying to say that Aegon should be heir she hasn’t really got any proof of that other than her own word as she was alone in the room with him. I also would have thought that Alicent herself would have recognised that under the influence of the milk of the poppy you can’t really take anything Viserys says as truth. But who knows maybe Alicent saw this as a sign from the Gods that this was her purpose to put her son on the throne and that they were speaking through Viserys. 

Viserys’ death scene was so sad, the way he was whispering no more over and over. Like he really was past his time at this point, he had hung on as long as he could but it was still so sad to see him die alone and confused. The way that he reached out his hand and said my love makes me think that he was seeing Aemma at his end or at least thinking of her. I am sad to see Viserys go and I will miss Paddy’s performances, I do think this episode was the perfect send off for the character though. 

Dyana (TW: R*pe) 

So this was definitely one of the heavier moments of the episode. I said in both ep 6 and 7 that I didn’t like the reaction the maids had when Aegon stared at them and I did suspect this was where it was leading to and unfortunately it was. It was clear from Alicent’s reaction too that this is not the first time this has happened, Alicent even yells at Aegon how can you keep carrying on like this. I think Alicent is genuinely disgusted with her sons behaviour but it doesn’t change the fact that by covering it up, paying off the maids and giving them the tea, she is only enabling Aegon. I don’t think she means to be but she is. I think she genuinely felt bad and had sympathy for Dyana but she also does not want this to get out which is why she makes sure that no one saw them together and then deals with it and brushes it under the rug. On this occasion I do think Aegon deserved that slap, it is also clear that she regrets marrying Aegon and Helaena to each other. I also however think this is going to come back to bite them in the ass. We learn that Talya the other maid who knew about this is working with Mysaria and is clearly taking her information from within the palace. Also Talya was the one who brought the tea. Here’s the thing in ep 4 the maester says that if the tea isn’t brewed correctly than it can be ineffective or can cause side effects. There had to have been a reason why he said this and I think its because Talya has been deliberately not brewing the tea correctly and we are going to end up with a whole load of Aegon’s illegitimate children popping up everywhere. I also think Mysaria will be involved in this somehow given the connection to Talya.   

Family Bonds.

On the surface this episode seemed to be about the succession of the Driftwood Throne, but really what it was about was family and family coming together at the bedside of dying loved one. All throughout the episode we get little moments that really highlight that this is a family. So here are so moments that I thought really highlighted this idea of family love. 

Daemon doing extreme sports to find dragon eggs to bring back for his children. He was so giddy and happy when he brought those eggs back, it was straight up adorable. 

I was fearful when I saw that Baela was at Driftmark in the promo stills that they were going to make her resentful and estranged from her family but thankfully that wasn’t the case at all and I love that she writes to her father and warns them about Vaemond’s intention to bring Luke’s inheritance into question. Without that warning the Greens could have declared that Vaemond heir to Driftmark and the Blacks might not have even found about it until days or weeks later when it would have been too late to do anything about it. Love that Baela was looking out for her family here. 

Daemon and Rhaenyra living in marital bliss and being supportive spouses to each other was nice to see even if I am still a little wierded out that he’s her uncle. Him stroking her belly was cute, him taking her hand when she was fidgeting and getting upset to comfort her, the same when he was clearly upset about the condition of his brother and so she wrapped her arm around his in support. 

That scene where they introduce Viserys to their sons Aegon and Viserys ii was too adorable. Viserys was clearly delighted that they had named their son after him and I love how Daemon reached out to stroke his son’s hair. 

Daemon helping his brother drink the milk of the poppy but also then smelling the cup to make sure that there wasn’t anything malicious in it, he was clearly very concerned and protective of his brother in this episode. It was also kind of heartbreaking how Daemon struggled to look at his brother, it was clear seeing his brother that way pained him. 

Jace, Baela, Luke and Rhaena being genuinely happy to be betrothed to each other. Them still six years later supporting and looking out for each other. The way Baela was able to calm Jace by just saying his name and how Rhaena told Luke he would be great as Lord of the Tides. 

Alicent comforting her daughter when Daemon killed Vaemond and this clearly greatly upset Helaena alot as she was visibly distressed and covering her ears.

Otto whispering good to Helaena after her toast, most of the time a severely dislike Otto but at least here he was being genuinely sweet to her at least. 

Rhaenys comforting and holding Baela’s hand in the throne and also how warmly she greeted Rhaena in the God’s wood, I also appreciated that she remained polite with Rhaenyra until Rhaena was gone to protect Rhaena from any unpleasantness.    

There are probably loads more things to talk about in this episode but for now that is everything I have. I do think emotional wise this was the best episode of the season. I can’t wait to see more I feel like things are going to be really tense next episode. It is also ep 9 which in GOT was always an eventful and big episode of each season so I do wonder if HOTD will follow suit. 

[xxruinaxxmcu]

Jack Thompson x Reader

A Farewell of Childhood Friends

Theoretically part of the What Lies beneath universe, but can be read on its own, too!

Context: In December of 1941, the lives of Y/N and Jack are forever changed by the US entering the war. The draft commences, and it is clear that Jack will leave for the frontlines. Unbeknownst to him, Y/N isn’t about to sit out the war in New York, though. It would turn out to be a farewell in many ways - physically, as well as to their long-term relationship as friends.

The time at University already felt like ages ago – despite only a few months had passed since Y/N had attained her Bachelor’s degree. It felt like that was part of a different lifetime – as she had graduated just months before Pearl Harbour was attacked. The mood in the country had been antsy before – with the West Coast eyeing the Imperial Japanese fleet, whilst the East Coast watched wearily as the British and French forces experienced their joint Waterloo at Dunkirk. Both forces, the Japanese and the Germans, appeared to be on the rise everywhere they fought. In summer of 1941, the German operation to defeat the Soviet Union began – Operation Barbarossa, as it became known. The first months were similar to their previous operations, like against the French, or the Scandinavian countries. They moved swiftly, sweeping the land like the plague they were. And in the Pacific, island after island was swallowed up by the Empire of the Rising Sun.

The world looked like it was heading for Armageddon, and on December 6th, 1941, the United States were made to watch what hell would look like.

Hours later, the US was no longer a bystander. America was at war. Y/N knew what that meant. It meant that all able-bodied young men would be drafted into service.

She and Jack had talked about the possibility of America entering the war many times. It wasn’t like no one expected something to happen to drag them into war – after all, a single ship was enough to get them into the Great War.

And Y/N actually didn’t need to ask Jack to know that he’d be there on day one, standing ready to be drafted, if America were to enter the war.

She knew him. She knew both his ambition for recognition, as well as his understanding of duty.

His father had been in the Great War, and if Jack hated to be called one thing, it was being called a coward. He wouldn’t hesitate, not because of something this fundamental.

And when they had learnt of what had happened at Pearl Harbour, Y/N saw the steely-eyed resolve in his face.

She knew that she would have to let him go. The thought alone made her feel incredibly selfish – why should she feel like she deserved to keep him here, when all other young men would also be asked to serve? After all, he was just a friend. Her best friend. But only that. She didn’t have to wave off her brother to war, or her husband – God forbid! She didn’t have anyone to worry about. But it still stung.

Jack didn’t tell her where he was going to for his draft, or what branch he was trying to enlist in – suddenly, he was just out of town. It was then that Y/N recounted a memory from not too long ago – just a few weeks, after she had finished her shift at the library.  

“My apologies”, he asked, and Y/N immediately recognised that he was no native, “I am searching for this address. Could you perhaps show me in the right direction?”

“Of course”, Y/N said with a friendly smile, taking the note with the address on it that he was holding to see for what he was looking for. “Oh, yes, I know this one. It’s a road not too far from here. You are not familiar with the streets, I’m guessing?” He nodded, so Y/N decided that she would be a good Samaritan today. “I can get you there. It’s on my path home, and I’m finishing my shift now, anyways.”

Outside on the street, Y/N decided to ask him where he was from – if he was here as a tourist.

“No, my dear”, the man said, and the hurt in his voice was unmistakable. “I am afraid that this must now become my home. You see, I have lived in Munich for all of my life. But I don’t believe that it is my home anymore.” He pointed to the chain around his neck, on its pendant, Y/N could faintly make out the Star of David. It hit her like a ton of bricks.

“I’m so sorry”, she said quickly, “I shouldn’t have pried. This must have been incredibly hurtful.”

“No, it is fine, I can assure you. Whether you asked me or not, there is not a second I do not think about it. I tried to remain there, I truly did. My family and I were well-respected… once upon a time. We thought about leaving after 1933… but we made it work. For a while.”

Y/N didn’t pressure him to speak, but she was eager to listen.

“You see, it wasn’t that they rounded us all up right away. It was… it was more like a faint wind, eventually turning into a storm. In late 1940, suddenly, I did not know anymore where my children were. They did not tell me that they were leaving. I do not know where they are, but I know they would not leave willingly without telling me, first. And with all the Pogroms, all the violence, I can only imagine the horrors they must be facing.”

She began to meet with the old man regularly, help him to get familiar with life in New York. His name was Eduard Rathenau. On the day where Jack had disappeared, she went to see him again.

After this meeting, Y/N had made up her mind. She knew Jack would be leaving. She knew what was headed their way. Factories would need a new labour force for the wartime production.

But she would not be working in a factory.

Mr. Caswell, a friend of her father, Y/N knew that he was working for the British Armed Forces, and despite his rather harsh sarcasm, he and her had always gotten along – before he was called back to the United Kingdom in 1940.

“You know that I am a quick learner”, she told him over the phone, “and I even know some basic German.” It took some convincing, but he eventually agreed to try to pull some strings to get her a position with the SOE.

Of course, Y/N didn’t say that to anyone, especially not after she had experienced her parents’ reaction to her even suggesting serving.

Once Jack was back in town, she had heard back from Mr. Caswell, and she knew that in only a few weeks, she’d be on her way to Britain for training purposes.

When she met with Jack in Central Park, the grin on his face already told her one thing: He had done something insanely stupid.

“What’s got you all smiling?”, she asked a bit apprehensive, “they told you you happen to be bulletproof?”

“You’re looking at a future US Marine”, he announced, and she only raised her eyebrows.

“Your dad was Army, right?”

“Exactly, so I just one-upped him.”

Y/N deadpanned. “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me. You did not just sign your death sentence to get one over you old man, did you?”

“Guess I’m not going to end up dead, then”, he said with a wink, and Y/N wanted to scream at him. She wanted to tell him not to be a dumbass, but then she remembered, she was talking to Jack Thompson. Perhaps the definition of a jackass.

“If that was your dream branch”, she mustered all the strength in her body to give him a genuine smile, or at least, it appeared to be genuine, “then I congratulate you for getting in. Good thing you’re quite tall.”

As they were walking, Jack eventually turned more serious. “I’m leaving for basic in a few days.”

Y/N only nodded. She knew the normal scheduling. The Forces needed as many men to be recruited as they could manage, and she wasn’t surprised that Jack would be one of their most-desired candidates. Not only did he have the physical requirements met, he was also one of the few graduates they’d get.

“Did you tell your parents?”

“About to.”

“I can already see Angeline’s face – the fusion of despair and pride”, Y/N huffed dryly to mask her own worry, “I bet she’ll pray extra for ya.”

She contemplated telling him about her own future. But when he looked at her with concern in his eyes and told her that he was less worried about his own life than his family’s wellbeing at home, she knew that she couldn’t do that to him. She couldn’t make him worry about someone else, especially since she’d be in Britain – the country that was repetitively hit by enemy fire from the skies.

“They’ll be alright”, she said, trying to sound confident. “America will not be destroyed. We’ll win, whatever it takes. Hell, we’ve done it before. Not just two decades ago, we won against the British when they ruled the world. What’s another two empires to destroy?” Technically, that was true, but arguably, none of the previous empires had been genocidal in nature. It should become obvious soon enough that the strength needed, the sacrifice required to win this war would be beyond anything they could have anticipated.

“Will you be alright?”

The question startled her. She didn’t want to be asked that right now, because she hated lying to his face. She didn’t know if she’d be alright, both physically, as well as emotionally.

“I’m always alright, Jack.”

Seeing her discomfort, he decided to crack a joke instead. “You better be ready to welcome me home with some swanky parade to celebrate your war hero friend.”

Y/N punched him in the arm: “Oh, please, like you need me to inflate your ego!”

He laughed. Y/N didn’t know it at the time, but it should have been the last laugh she saw from him before it became tainted by the blood of war. Or maybe it was both his smile and her eyes that were soon to be changed by their experiences.

“Just be careful. And don’t try to be the hero”, Y/N said, unable to get rid of the worry in her voice entirely. “Heroes tend to come back in casquets, you know.”

“You won’t get of me that easily, promise.”

Y/N huffed. Promises were fragile things. They didn’t stop bullets. They didn’t stop grenades. But she knew Jack. She knew he was not suicidal – at least most of the times. His records of picking fights may indicate otherwise.

“You better remember that when fired upon.”

Only a few days later, he came to her front door, dressed to head off for basic training to say goodbye. It was tense. Y/N could tell that he knew this could be farewell. Farewell forever.

And neither of them wanted to make it any harder than need be – so they simply said goodbye. They didn’t say everything else they could have said, and perhaps wanted to say. Both of them knew that their service was needed, and they didn’t want to make the other worry more than was already the case. Y/N watched him leave with a sinking feeling in her chest.

He was one of a kind. Yes, he was a jackass. And he could be arrogant, rude. But he was also one of the kindest people she had ever met. One of the most brilliant. She had always said to her friend Lara, who kept on bugging her why Jack and her hadn’t gone out on a date yet, that she did love him. As a friend. Perhaps, even back then, in her heart, she knew that this wasn’t the entire truth. But they were at war, and love made life hard enough at peace.

It had no place for people going to war.

Turning around, after he had disappeared, she packed her things. She didn’t say goodbye to anyone. In a way, her world had already left.

Without going to see her parents, she went to the harbour. And left America for an adventure that she had not seen coming in her dreams. She wouldn’t serve in Britain as a codebreaker. Or in Britain, at all.

She’d be headed to Germany.

All the while, Jack would end up half-way across the world, in the middle of the freaking Pacific.

……………

Getting ready for the first night at basic training, Jack tried to stay  so focused on all the new information and code of conduct that it would keep his mind off the many things that circled in his mind. That only worked so well, apparently. He heard a scoff from one of the other boys in his room, so he turned around to face him.

“What’s her name?”

“What?”, Jack frowned, confused what he was getting at.

“A man with your woeful stare”, the man sat down on his bed, “just left a gal behind. What’s her name?”

“I didn’t”, Jack replied, thinking back to him saying goodbye to Y/N. yeah, she was a girl, but not like that.

“Sure you did, I can see it from here”, the man grinned, “I’m Felix, by the way. So, Jack, right? Who’s she?”

“I have no idea what you’re getting at”, Jack answered dryly, “she’s just someone I grew up with. I had the foresight not to get into a relationship before being shipped off to war.”

“Hm”, Felix shrugged, “don’t want to have someone wait for you at home?”

“I’m sure a bunch of people will still be waiting.”

“Yeah, but not like that.”

“I’m sure Y/N will be there to inform me that I’ve done something particularly stupid if I do get back.”

Felix raised an eyebrow: “Y/N, huh?”

Not entirely sure why he even shared her name, Jack got out his wallet to pull out the small picture from his graduation, where, amongst a crowd of mostly men, Y/N stood out like… he had no idea what. She just stood out, at least she did to him.

“Yeah, that’s her”, he showed the other guy whose lips curled into a telling smile.

“Ah, I can see”, Felix grinned, “just a childhood friend, then.”

“Yes”, Jack took back the picture and clenched his jaw. “Just a childhood friend.”

………

Room 21E. Y/N knocked against the wooden door, only to be greeted by a voice telling her that she could come in. The woman inside was bent over a textbook, her brown hair concealing her face. When Y/N entered, she turned around and smiled.  

“You must be Y/N, correct?”

Y/N nodded and reached out her hand to greet the woman. “You’re Peggy?”

“Exactly. It would appear we are roommates”, the woman replied and shook her hand.

Y/N looked around: “When did you arrive? Long time ago?”

“No, just a few days, actually. I only took up the SOE position after months of deliberation.”

“I see”, Y/N placed her bag on the free bed, “you far away from home?”

“Not nearly as far as you are, darling”, Peggy replied warmly, “It isn’t that far to Kent.”

“I can assure you”, Y/N said dryly, “I may be far away from the place I grew up with, but it ain’t home anymore. Seems like everything I knew went to war, or changed with the outbreak of it.”

“I know exactly what you mean.” Y/N heard the sadness in the young woman’s voice.

“Your parents not happy you’re here, too?”, Y/N asked cautiously, sitting on her bed with raised eyebrows.

Peggy gave a thin smile. “Livid, actually.”

“Likewise”, Y/N pressed her lips together, “actually, they informed me that they’re disowning me. Not that that’s much of a worry. They don’t have that much for me to inherit anyways.”

Y/N and Peggy talked a lot on that day. The Englishwoman was incredibly interested to hear about life in America, and Y/N indulged her for a bit. She told her that she didn’t have any siblings, that she spent most of her time in New York.

“What did you do before the SOE?”, Peggy eventually asked after telling Y/N about her entrance into Bletchley Park some months ago – the reason she was back in training now was for further training before being eligible in the structure of command of the SOE.

“University. I finished my degree just months before America entered the war”, Y/N replied, “worked a side-job to finance the studies and the expenses.”

“What’s that like? I imagine less strict regulations than we had in Cambridge.”

“For leisure?”, Y/N asked and scoffed, “truth be told, I might have preferred stricter rules for that. Would’ve spared me a few nights as the responsible adult.”

That statement seemed to confuse her new roommate rather than clarify things, so she added: “I didn’t have the most responsible of friends. He had the tendency to get into heaps of trouble that was wildly unnecessary.”

Peggy’s eyebrows shot up and she gave Y/N a smile. “A friend, huh?”

‘Oh my God, it’s like Lara all over again’, Y/N thought before clearing her throat. “Yeah. We were friendly. I suppose he’s somewhere in California now. You see – becoming a solider apparently wasn’t cool enough for him. He had to enlist with the Marines.” She pressed her lips together. “Like I said. Not the most reasonable of people.”

“What’s his name?”

Y/N huffed. “Jack Thompson. So if you ever see someone mentioned with that name from New York, take cover.” She had no idea how prophetic that statement should become.

“You’re worried, huh?”

“About him, about us, or about the world?”, Y/N asked back, “Because the answer is the same for all three of those things. Very.”

“And why would I have to seek cover?”, Peggy asked with a humorous glean to her eyes.

Y/N scoffed at the question. “Because he has a bad temper, tends to speak too fast for his own good, and until you get to know him, you’ll probably be convinced he is an absolute asshole.”

Again, the prophetic nature of that statement was lost to both women at the time.

“And you got to know him.”

“I grew up with him, I didn’t have much of a choice”, Y/N evaded.

“I see”, Peggy’s tone was telling – telling Y/N that she probably had the same doubts about this story that Lara had had – “Simply a childhood friend, then.”

“Exactly”, Y/N agreed with a smile, thankful that they could simply agree on the vagueness of that statement, “Simply a childhood friend.”

 Neither of them had lied. They weren’t more than childhood friends, they hadn’t ever held hands, they had never formally had a date – and still, they had shared everything. From silly worries about exams, to family drama, to dreams and fears of the future. That hadn’t suddenly changed when Pearl Harbour had been hit. It had started to change in 1939 with the start of the war in Europe. Slowly, dreams started to slip away. The future began to fade. It became a moment of existential crisis. They had pushed each other to finishing their degrees in the face of war, and possibly, that was the only reason they managed to graduate with flying colours.

And now they were here.

One in London, one in California, training for war. Not knowing if they’d ever see each other again.

That was the brutality of it all. There was no certainty anymore. There was no guarantee for a tomorrow, or for a happy ending.

They were now in a fight for survival, because both of them wanted to come home. They wanted to go home victoriously.

And for that, they were willing to do anything. Anyone’s war was brutal, but theirs would turn out especially so. But they made good on their promise. They would return. But the blood on their hands would never be wiped away, no matter how often they tried to rinse it off.

They would not return as heroes, not in their own eyes, anyways.

But they would get to meet again. But no longer would they just be the childhood friends they once had been. That light-heartedness remained in a time before they had seen war. But neither of them ever could have guessed the path that the future had in store for them – the two childhood friends from New York.

A/N: I hope you enjoy this little oneshot about them leaving for their respective training camps! Also, I do apologise for the vagueness around Peggy’s career - it is honestly incredibly confusing, because the MCU needs a better historical advisor (I VOLUNTEER). They mentioned her working for the SAS before working for MI5, but the SAS didn’t even exist at the time. And apparently she was a nurse in 1936, but she was born in 1921 - so she would’ve been rather young for that - especially because she also attended Cambridge?? Idk, I picked to make it sound as reasonable as possible! So forgive that vagueness, I tried hahaha. Sometimes they muck it up - like Jack asking Daniel if he lost his leg in Russia. Like, wtf, how should that have happened?? Even those who fought in the European theatre - No western allied soldier set foot on Russian soil as part of the liberation of Europe! The two armies met half-way

Also, yesterday, the last veteran of Iwo Jima passed away. Woody Williams, 98, who received the Medal of Honour, died on June 29th, 2022. 

Tag List

@pretty-girl-40

@abysshaven

@deathofmissjackson

@okkulta

@briskywalker

@elleclairez

@ultrarebelheart

@2kitkat4

@shygamergirl01

@21andjusttryingtogetby

@ashwilliamscoveredinblood

[fuwushiguro]

i cant stop thinking of scumbag gojo.. damn you're good at keeping your readers hooked to the point where im left going back to read it all over again got how many times this past week 5? 6? doesnt matter. i'm curious though if your planning to add a 3rd part, a finale of sorts?

if you arent planning to write another part then i'll respect it but can i ask how gojo would react if let's say failed attempted suicide would happen? the reason could be a miscarriage, being driven too far up for debate really. for once i want him to be the one in pain or would he simply move on to the next bitch to call his wife? i'm so intrigued by your thinking process of creating this

you really are a gem in hiding

Ah thank you so much!

I haven't planned on doing a part three honestly. I wrote the first part intending for it to be a one shot and there was such high demand for a sequel so I included it for my kinktober event last year. I've had fleeting ideas for a third part but I don't think I have the passion or drive to write it.

But that's a great question! I don't think the reader would personally contemplate suicide. I can imagine her feeling very sad and hollow, and understandably so. She'd be devastated that she'd never get to meet her child. But I think a lot of the sadness would also come from a place of, 'this is the only good thing Gojo has done for me.' and 'I've suffered through this relationship for my baby, for nothing.' she's repeatedly allowed him to cheat on her because she's fallen in love with him and she wanted to have a family with him. Since he is the one who got her pregnant and he was the one who proposed to her. She was just hoping things would change and get better and she really thought a baby would be the catalyst of that change.

However, I think it would be enough for the reader to finally have the courage to leave. She does love him but that is the only reason she'd stay with him after losing the baby, but it's not a good enough reason. He's put her through hell and manipulated and gaslit her to the point she barely recognises herself and I really do think losing the baby would be her 'enough is enough' moment. And, ironically, I think losing the baby would be the point in which Gojo changes too.

I think he'd legitimately want to be with her. He wanted to marry her because of the baby but he fell in love with her as she had him and I know it would break his heart to have lost his baby too. He was so excited to be a dad after the shock of them realising she was pregnant. He immediately stepped up for the baby but not for her. He decorated a room in his penthouse to be a nursery and he was present for every scan, reading baby books in his spare time and being there for anything the reader needed to do baby wise. But he just couldn't stop himself from filling in a piece of himself with random and casual sex. He knew it was wrong and he didn't stop because he knew the reader was practically baby trapped.

But the baby wasn't a pawn to him, ever. So I think the devastation that only those two were experiencing and hurting over at the same time would really make him realise 'this is my forever person and I want to be with her only.' but it's too late.

She's been hurt time and time again by him but now she's feeling the worst pain of her life and what he's done doesn't compare. She'd move out and Gojo would undoubtedly spend extended time trying to get her back.

Sorry this was so long but I hope it answered your question!

[flowesona]

Wicker Man - yandere! jungkook x reader

so my child @babeejk​ wanted a y! sugar daddy jungkook, and i live for nothing if not to fulfil her jungkook obsession so here we are. 

word count: 2.1k

pairing: y! jungkook x gn! reader

Most people (Y/N)’s age would spend their Friday night partying, hanging out with friends, trying new things. But (Y/N) was spending the best days of their life entertaining a young, rich CEO who would no doubt dump them for a new pretty face in a few years.

Jungkook was a sweet gentleman. Always made payments on time, and usually never pushed the boundaries. But there were instances where his hands crept a little too far for (Y/N)’s liking, or his grip on (Y/N)’s arm got a little too tight in the presence of his friends.

He was peaceful enough that Friday night, having ordered takeout for the two of them and put on a movie. Clearly, he needed the company of (Y/N) more than their body as most of their previous sugar daddies had coveted.

With (Y/N) placing their plate down onto the coffee table and relaxing into his arms to watch the movie, it was almost like they were dating. Jungkook didn’t dare push this idea often, happy to stick to the simple domesticity they had as if they were already in love and nothing needed to be said.

He pressed a kiss on the back of (Y/N)’s neck, enjoying the fleeting feeling of his lips on their skin. 

“You seem tired, baby. Want to go to bed?” The film was reaching its climax, but (Y/N)’s eyes were barely able to stay open.

“Mmmmm.” They replied, not protesting as he lifted them like a bride and carried them into his room to rest on his king sized bed.

(Y/N) had allowed a gentle smile to settle on their lips, their eyes having drifted closed. Jungkook settled himself beside them, feeling equally as at peace.

“I wish every night could be like this.” He mused allowed. “Would you like that, baby?”

(Y/N) was only his for two nights a week - Fridays and Saturdays, wherein he would often have them stay for the night.

“Mmmmm.” (Y/N) gave an ambiguous grumble as he hooked his arms around their chest to spoon them.

“Really? I can’t wait, baby. I love you, so much.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

The morning after, (Y/N) woke up to an empty bed. Unusual, considering that Jungkook loved to wake up beside them and talk in the morning. Brushing that aside they stood up and padded out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

Jungkook was seated at the counter, glasses perched on his nose and his laptop in front of him next to a steaming cup of hot water (allegedly, it had health benefits but (Y/N) had never understood it).

“Good morning, baby.” Jungkook had a bright smile, beckoning them to join him at the counter. (Y/N) followed his instructions, hopping onto the stool beside him and leaning on his shoulder in a move they knew he adored.

“I’ve been working hard for you this morning, baby. You know, I want to get this done as soon as possible so we can be together.”

“That’s good.” (Y/N) hummed in reply.

“How do you feel about the moving company getting there at two today? That’ll give us time to have lunch on the way.” Jungkook ran his hand down their arm, soothing them as he noticed how they tensed up.

“What?” 

“So you can move in, baby. Of course, you don’t have to bring everything here and I’ll be more than happy to buy anything extra you need-”

“Wait, wait, wait a second.” (Y/N) breathed out slowly. “Moving in?”

“We talked about it last night. You agreed, didn’t you?” (Y/N) scrunched up their nose, trying to recall the conversation but drawing a blank.

“No, I never agreed to that. And I never would. It’d break the terms of our contract.”

Jungkook had such a sincere look of hurt in his eyes that it tugged at (Y/N)’s heartstrings.

“We don’t need that contract, baby. We just need each other. You know I’ll give you anything you want, right?” 

“And what I want… no, what I need… is for some space. This is just my part time hustle, I still have college and a life outside of this. I want to keep it to two days a week, otherwise it’ll blur the lines between you as a sugar daddy and you as a boyfriend.” (Y/N) tried not to let their irritation show as they spoke.

“Fuck the lines, (Y/N)! We don’t need any of those labels, I just want you to be mine as much as I am yours!” Their companion’s grip on their arm had grown tighter to the point that his nails started to draw blood. Realising this, (Y/N) pried his hand away and stood up.

“I’m sorry if I’d misled you. But I’m not looking for that kind of relationship with you, I’m just looking for strictly business. If this doesn’t work, maybe we should end this.” 

Jungkook stared at them incredulously.

“Well…” He bit his lip, deep in thought. “Fine. Life will go on, I guess. I’ll call up the moving company and cancel it. Let’s not end this beautiful thing we have over a silly argument.”

(Y/N) nodded, although they had a horrible feeling in their stomach that it was not the end of the conversation, and Jungkook would stop at nothing to get his way.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

(Y/N) had chosen to make Thursday a ‘me’ day. They cooked themselves breakfast and lunch, did some online shopping and applied a face mask. They had zero intentions of visiting anyone else, when all they wanted to do was de-stress from life.

As they were lighting a candle and listening to some Beethoven, a shrill alarm rang out.

‘Huh. They don’t normally hold the drill today.’ (Y/N) shrugged, waiting for it to cease. However, it didn’t stop.

After a few minutes, (Y/N) grabbed their phone and stepped outside, only to see people hurrying down the stairs. 

“Hurry! Fire!” One of her neighbours yelled, jogging past them. 

Their eyes widened, but sure enough they could see smoke curling throughout the air and they knew they had no time to lose. Leaving their apartment with only their phone in hand, (Y/N) followed their neighbours down the stairs and out of the building, standing on the pavement as they watched the flames licking at the building and smoke billowing out of the open windows. Soon enough there were fire engines on the scene and ambulances to deal with the people who’d inhaled too much smoke. 

(Y/N) found themselves sitting on the pavement, numb with shock. To think everything they owned was going up in the flames was terrifying, even as they saw the firefighters doing everything to minimise the damage. 

“(Y/N)! Baby!” Their state of shock was broken by someone yelling their name, and suddenly they were pulled into a tight hug.

“Baby, thank god you’re okay. I don’t know what I would’ve done if something happened to you.” 

“Jungkook?” (Y/N) instantly recognised the voice. “What- How-”

“I was in the area when I heard about what happened. I came as quickly as I could.” Jungkook pressed a kiss to (Y/N)’s forehead. 

“You need to rest. Come back to my place, okay?”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

(Y/N) had ended up staying there far longer than intended. Their apartment had been completely wrecked by the fire, since it had started on their floor. Every possession of theirs, gone so quickly, although of course Jungkook insisted on replacing whatever they wanted.

Jungkook seemed to be very much content with their prolonged stay. In fact, he’d been working from home for the first few days to make sure they were settled in and not feeling too lonely. (Y/N) would sit with him in his home office, since they didn’t really have much else to do, and scroll on their phone until he inevitably called them over to cuddle with him. 

The young man had become progressively bolder with his skinship, never holding back from pressing kisses to their neck or holding them a bit too tightly to his crotch. They hadn’t done ‘it’ yet, but with how he was acting it was only a matter of time. 

They were just sitting together, (Y/N) scrolling through instagram and Jungkook answering some emails when the desk phone rang. Jungkook reached around them to answer it, holding it to his ear for a few seconds before putting it back down.

“Your nintendo switch has just been delivered. I need to go down to the lobby and sign for it. Are you okay waiting here for a few minutes?” Jungkook pouted, as (Y/N) nodded in reply.

He pressed a kiss to their cheek before standing up.

“Don’t miss me too much, baby.” He smiled before leaving. 

(Y/N) let out a breath they didn’t realise they’d been holding in whilst he was there. But now, they were bored as ever. 

A chime rang out, and (Y/N) found their attention drawn to Jungkook’s phone, sitting there innocently. They reached over and picked it up, only seeing a text from his mother asking about dinner plans next week. But they noted how he’d changed his lockscreen to a picture of them, from a few nights ago when they’d accompanied him to a formal event and he’d asked one of his colleagues to take a picture of them together.

(Y/N) suddenly had something to do. They set about trying to unlock Jungkook’s phone, first trying their fingerprint and face ID but to no avail. Then, realising that he had a numeral password they tried typing in a few dates - his birthday, his parent’s anniversary. Then, out of sheer boredom and with only one attempt they tried their own birthday only for them to be granted access to his lockscreen.

‘Jeez, he needs to get a life if he’s that whipped for me.’ They sighed, as they scrolled through his phone. Nothing was particularly out of the ordinary, until they checked the photo gallery, to be met with tons of pictures of them. Screenshots from social media, snaps from their ‘dates’, selfies with them fast asleep in his arms. It was enough to make (Y/N) shudder with fright.

Another message popped up.

‘I need the other half of the payment, sir, or I will be contacting the police.’

(Y/N) clicked on it, expecting business talk only to be met with something else entirely. Fear settled in their stomach as they scrolled up through the messages.

‘(Y/N) has been evacuated outside, doesn’t seem to have been hurt.’

‘Someone’s called emergency services, but the fire should spread far enough that (Y/N)’s apartment will be damaged.’

‘I’ve started it, it’s spreading quickly.’

It didn’t take a genius to realise what had happened. 

(Y/N) dropped Jungkook’s phone on the floor in shock, standing up immediately. They’d walked right into his arms without hesitation, they’d played into his plan perfectly. Jungkook always got what he wanted, no matter the cost.

‘I have to get out of here.’

(Y/N) started for the door, only stopping to tuck their phone into their pocket. They were just by the entrance to the penthouse when they heard talking outside.

They knew they had to hide, but it was too late. 

Jungkook burst through the door, accompanied by a stern faced delivery driver carrying a large box. This was subsequently placed by the door and he made a swift exit, avoiding (Y/N)’s existence the entire time.

“Ah, baby I missed you. Here, come and see what I bought for you.” Jungkook beckoned to them, but one look at their face told him he’d read their mood entirely wrong.

“What’s wrong, baby?” He cooed as he approached them. “Tell me, and I’ll fix it for you.”

“Get the hell away from me.” (Y/N) snapped. Jungkook froze. “I know what you did. What the hell is wrong with you? I could’ve died in that fire?”

His face became stern.

“I would never have allowed that to happen. I just wanted to give you a little push to move in with me, that’s all.” 

“You’re insane!”

“And you’re too stubborn to progress our relationship!” Jungkook bit back. “Can’t you see how hard I try to make you happy? Is that not enough for you to love me?”

“I never want to see you again.” (Y/N) huffed, trying to show past him only to be caught in his iron grip. 

“You’re not going anywhere.”

(Y/N) struggled, but Jungkook’s determination was stronger than their body weight.

“Maybe I am crazy, baby. And you know what that means?” He leant in close, so (Y/N) could feel the warmth of his breath. “You never know what I’m going to do next. So don’t try me unless you want to get burnt.”