#i know it’s not as bad as ppl w bdays near christmas which is a hard time for some anyways so i feel like a whiny bitch

[snezario]

sorry again the depressive spiral continues cw: depression, suicide

you know how ppl get seasonal depression in the winter? i could never relate bc i almost always have depressive episodes in the summer. it's a lot worse this year because on my birthday i cried for an hour and became even more suicidal than i already was.

i know a big part of it has to do with the fact that my birthday is in the summer and since HS it's always been a tough time for me. when i was growing up everyone was on summer break during my birthday so it wouldn't get celebrated. and because it's very close to the 4th of july most people were busy celebrating the holiday so only my family was around. which isn't terrible ofc and i'm grateful to have a supportive family but it made me feel worthless beyond them.

these past few birthdays have been particularly bad. i feel like everyone is passing me by - getting engaged/married, having kids, high-paying career, etc. i wish i could stop comparing myself to others but i’d have to complete isolate myself from well everyone and everything.

i apologize for always venting here but other than my therapist this is really the only place i have to express my thoughts without a filter. if i do open up to people in my life i downplay it or provide a more palapable version. maybe i need to take a break from here so i'm not always just dumping triggering things