#fiendthoughts

[snezario]

i unfortunately haven't been around much lately but i want to acknowledge all the content y'all are still churning out. i just really haven't been in the best headspace and i've been experiencing a lot of anhedonia and apathy. i can't believe it's been almost a year and kind of miss hyperfixating on haz/bin but i'm also glad it's finally petered out...

i'm making some major life decisions that i'm hoping will start me back on the right track

[snezario]

when it rains, it pours!! as you all probably know, i'm already completely burned out from work and i haven't mentioned it before but i work for the federal government, so this past week has been such a shitshow. i'm expected to work as if everything isn't on fire and that i might not have a job next week. i don't even have the time to keep up or even process these EOs and memos. i want to get high but i can't because i am now actively job hunting and my industry usually requires a drug test as part of the onboarding process. my SI had been less severe up until last week, so between stopping my meds cold turkey, i can feel the depression and SI steadily increasing.

[snezario]

now that the hyperfixation has waned, i am finally getting this off my chest in full. i am so mentally unwound and have no fucks to give about anything anymore so idc if i'm dredging this up again. you know the drill - don't like what i have to say? block/unfollow/etc. i had mentioned it briefly when it was more of an issue but i hadn't really been able to speak my mind because i was still close to the subject matter, so it caused me a lot of distress to think about.

this is about the haz/bin hate that was circulating snzblr early last year. some of y'all were absolute HATERS and it's so ironic bc there are fandoms that also took snzblr by storm and i never saw that much open hate before. i've been in the snzblr community for several years and i almost never align with the fandoms that was all the rage: y/oi, good ome/ns, ofm/d just to name a few. sure i was sad that i wasn't into it so i couldn't fully appreciate the content (although i did enjoy some!) or share in the constant flow of dopamine with y'all. i just shrugged and kind of did my own thing. so it absolutely boggles my mind that y'all raked the show itself and its fans over hot coals... like dear lord, are you not an adult? criticising the art style or tone of the show in a way that made ppl who liked it feel bad about enjoying it

i know there was also issue with tagging and how ppl wanted to be able to block the tag, which was a fair criticism but that's not just an issue that occurred with haz/bin... i 100% agree, it would be nice to have a universal tagging system that the community could agree on given the fetish/kink space and not wanting our stuff to bleed over

you don't like it fine, but you shouldn't make ppl feel bad about liking something that isn't your cup of tea. it was honestly such disappointing behavior to see from the community. i think most of the ppl i interact with or follow who didn't engage were civil about it so i didn't see the worst of the discourse

[snezario]

cw: medical, mental health. i left the medical stuff intentionally vague but still

monday evening i forced myself to go to urgent care for a medical concern i'd been hoping would go away on its own. the nurses/MAs tried to take care of my issue for 30-45 minutes and towards the latter half i started panicking because there's a small chance for an adverse effect to occur and i felt that every attempt brought me closer and closer to the catestrophic event. in the end, the clinic wasn't able to address my issue and sent me home with some instructions on how to get some relief and return in 3 days.

as soon as i left the clinic i started tearing up and then i had a complete breakdown on the entire car ride back to my place. i think it partially occured because of the pent up panic that i suppressed during the whole ordeal. i was supposed to make dinner but opted to go to urgent care before so i wouldn't have to worry about it closing before i finished. however, i was so distressed by the outcome i didn't make nor eat dinner. as soon as i got back, i showered and went to bed.

honestly the breakdown surprised me, i thought i had been doing better these past couple of months. i did recently recognize that because of my work burnout i had become anhedonic. i think at first it was just a symptom of burnout but i feel that the crushing burnout feeling i had before has lifted slightly. not that my workload has improved really... maybe i'm just accustommed to it now. evidently i'm not as stable as i thought i was.

also i think i injured my hand a couple hours ago... this year really has not been good to me in regards to my mental or physical health.

[snezario]

just scrolling though twt and stumbled on this... like but why does this look like al is trying to help vox hold back??

also i am working on that fic suggestion... it's just taking a while

[snezario]

me to me: stop writing snzfic abt a fucking television screen

also me: but what if i just....write. one. more

[snezario]

things i never saw coming: me being down BAD for a flat screen tv demon

[snezario]

anyways i literally think abt ha/zb//in hot//el 24/7... i think this is the most intense hyperfixation i've had in a long time...

if anyone wants to scream into the void abt it/send prompts/RP hmu!! i'm absolutely FERAL for the tv and radio demons 🤪

[snezario]

hello it's been a While but i'm feral for ha//zb/in ho//tel if anyone wants to hyperfixate w me, pls be my guest 🤪

[snezario]

ramblings below the cut

i'm in such a weird headspace these days. even though i've been overwhelmed by burnout due to work, my mood is... stable? it's not bad but it's also not good. neutral with a slight lean towards sad. during work hours, i really don't have time to think about anything other than work.

lately, i haven't been as exhausted so i've had some time to be introspective. until this past summer, i couldn't bring myself to watch arca/ne because my ex was hyperfixated on it in 2021 and it painfully reminded me of her. this kind of leads me to a thought that sprouted from watching s2 of arca/ne - i hate how emotionally attached i get to things and people. in my first year of undergrad, i had a major fallout with one of my closest childhood friends and it really broke me. the summer it took me 7 years to finally shed away the bitterness i held on to and consider reaching out.

another example of this is in regards to a friend i had in hs. we were most definitely attracted to each other but we never dated because i had dated his friend 8 months prior and his friends reminded him of the "bro code." i only heard about this because i got back together with his friend later that year, only for us to break up after 5-6 months. he started dating someone else and recently got married to her. we stayed friends through most of undergrad but it was hard for me. i think that learning we had a mutual attraction changed something in me. i struggled with a lot of emotional turmoil thinking about what if and what could have been. i often wished that we never met or that i could erase because of how much it pained me. it took 4 years for me to let go of him and now, i am so grateful that we never ended up dating. of course i don't know how long that relationship would have lasated but i think i would have never explored my gender and sexuality.

the common thread in why it impacted me so much was because i never got closure from all of those relationships. i become so emotionally invested and somewhere along the way the bond/connection crumbles. for my ex, she told me that she had been feeling like we were drifting apart and honestly it came as a shock to me. she had been going through it for a few months and i gave her space to heal/work through it. i think what made it hurt the most was because when we first started seeing each other we established a line of communication on our relationship and make sure we were both on the same page. with my childhood friend, our first year of undergrad was a nightmare. we fought a lot because she prioritized her new boyfriend over me. after one fight, she gave me the cold shoulder for a month. eventually, our friends had to stage an intervention for us. we talked, expressed our frustrations, cried, and established expectations/boundaries moving forward. things were looking up, or at least i thought so... until last day of the academic year. it took me a couple days to realize it but she she blocked me on every social media platform. i had heard later from a couple mutual friends that she was contrite about what happened and wanted to reach out but was afraid i wouldn't be receptive. and with the hs friend, well there wasn't anything i could really do about it but we never acknowledged that we were mutually attracted to each other.

this is only tangentially related and just kind of something that also came up in my ponderings. it's been several years since i've been active in fandom spaces and aside from mar/vel, haz/bin was the first fandom in years that i was actually into while it was flourishing. i know for some ppl hyperfixations aren't always that enduring. but for me if i do develop a hyperfixation, it never really goes away. the intensity may die down, but there will always be some thread of attachment that i can never truly divest myself from. there are some fandoms that had a surge of activity and content and i was riding the peak. but eventually it died down and i was left trying to sate the continuing desire i had to consume content while everyone else moved on. the haz/bin hyperfixation has been much less intense but i'd also been consuming a lot less content since may, which i think tends to feed it. i'm still interested in it and enjoy content when i see it but i'm relieved it's not all-consuming like it once was.

as i mentioned, i've considered ECT but it sounds drastic and you can't really control the memories that get wiped away. there are some memories i truly cherish. because of those experiences, i've been very careful about letting people in. there are few people in my life that i would feel distraught over if our relationship deteriorites. i keep most people at arms length because i don't want to get emotionally attached and then burned. again. i'm an open book about almost all other aspects of my life (funny/tragic/etc. experiences, mental health struggles, gender and sexuality exploration) but it's because i'm not sentimental about those things. in my eyes, they're all merely facts about myself. now that i think about it, all the experiences i've just shared, i don't think i've ever told anyone but my sister/therapist about any of this. and i'm not even sure i've even told my sister.

[snezario]

me watching ar/cane: *attracted to all the women and only ja/yce*

if that isn't the most apt description of my sexuality, then i don't know what is

[snezario]

for the first time in 7-8 years i have a geniunely sore throat... and i'm hoping it's nothing but i feel like i finally broke my streak. other than when i caught covid in 2022, i haven't really had a cold/flu since like 2016. i think it helps that i still mask and have generally good hand hygeine.

i HATE being sick. fingers crossed i'm overreacting but if not i'm going to load myself with the strongest OTC meds i can get my hands on

[snezario]

Ahhh I had an amazing trip, I only wish that I had more time but that’s a given. Even though their shows were the worst that I saw, it felt like a fever dream to be in the same room as R/DJ and Chri/stian is always a delight. Also briefly met Je/remy at the stage door, I was too star struck to say anything though. Back to reality unfortunately…

[snezario]

jesus christ that was a Week... i can't wait to get high this weekend and dissociate bc that was terrible. i actually had a bit of time last weekend to work on the rad/iost/atic fic and i really hope to post the next part this month.

rly looking forward for a few days off to see christian (4th time!!) and rd/j next week (and potentially jeremy!!). sorry for not being as active, work is just so constantly busy, we're honestly drowning but! i hope everyone has been well~

[snezario]

oh boy i forgot that st/ar t/rek beyo/nd is back on netflix... am i about to re-watch it for the upteenth time? the answer is yes, it's always yes.

[snezario]

i hate how i can instantly clock if someone sounds congested/nasal... it's not even an attraction thing and most of the time i just feel uncomfortable because once i notice it i can't ignore it