#fiendthoughts

[snezario]

i hate how i can instantly clock if someone sounds congested/nasal... it's not even an attraction thing and most of the time i just feel uncomfortable because once i notice it i can't ignore it

[snezario]

sorry again the depressive spiral continues cw: depression, suicide

you know how ppl get seasonal depression in the winter? i could never relate bc i almost always have depressive episodes in the summer. it's a lot worse this year because on my birthday i cried for an hour and became even more suicidal than i already was.

i know a big part of it has to do with the fact that my birthday is in the summer and since HS it's always been a tough time for me. when i was growing up everyone was on summer break during my birthday so it wouldn't get celebrated. and because it's very close to the 4th of july most people were busy celebrating the holiday so only my family was around. which isn't terrible ofc and i'm grateful to have a supportive family but it made me feel worthless beyond them.

these past few birthdays have been particularly bad. i feel like everyone is passing me by - getting engaged/married, having kids, high-paying career, etc. i wish i could stop comparing myself to others but i’d have to complete isolate myself from well everyone and everything.

i apologize for always venting here but other than my therapist this is really the only place i have to express my thoughts without a filter. if i do open up to people in my life i downplay it or provide a more palapable version. maybe i need to take a break from here so i'm not always just dumping triggering things

[snezario]

something i love but haven't seen enough of recently is when character B knocks character A's hands away from themselves to stop them from stifling

[snezario]

i was just going through my archive and don't think i've been this active since i first joined snzblr?? haz/bin really said you will latch onto me and hyperfixate until i say so!! i'm v grateful for all the new ppl i've met through our collective enjoyment of putting the characters in snz situations :~)

[snezario]

feel free to ignore bc i just need to ramble... cw: depression, suicide

mental health wise, to quote hh "i'm not doin' well." every day is a slog... i'm merely existing and the suicidal ideation has been increasing steadily. during therapy yday i cried and i know it's not unsual but i've always hated crying in therapy??

anyways i'm watching the autograph livestream for a certain someone and this has quite honestly been the highlight of my year. it's one of the only things i've been looking forward to (aside from this show i saw last month with another bway fave)

don't know if it's just the natural progression of my hyperfixation but at this point i actually care very little about hh. i'm only looking forward to s2 for a certain tv overlord and seeing what other bway ppl they might feature

also not to be horny but like part of me was like what if he does the Thing... i think i may actually combust

[snezario]

jesus christ that was a Week... i can't wait to get high this weekend and dissociate bc that was terrible. i actually had a bit of time last weekend to work on the rad/iost/atic fic and i really hope to post the next part this month.

rly looking forward for a few days off to see christian (4th time!!) and rd/j next week (and potentially jeremy!!). sorry for not being as active, work is just so constantly busy, we're honestly drowning but! i hope everyone has been well~

[snezario]

just scrolling though twt and stumbled on this... like but why does this look like al is trying to help vox hold back??

also i am working on that fic suggestion... it's just taking a while

[snezario]

y'all ever have fandoms that you don't bring into the snz kink space or just don't rly think abt in that way? for example... after the hype died down, i dragged myself to watch y/oi and actually really liked it. i don't watch a ton of anime but i loved the show. i also rly like stra/nger thi/ngs but i never really got into the snzblr hivemind abt it

and then there are fandoms i think were popular and had teen/YA aged characters (which can get sticky to bring into this space, even in aged-up scenarios) but didn't get the vol/tro/n treatment

[snezario]

i experience so much cognitive dissonance of like being super sapphic/non-men attracted in real life but like completely and utterly obsessed with fictional men or celebrities

[snezario]

god i hate how basic i feel for admitting this but british accents just do it for me. they always have and i cannot keep denying how attracted i am to ppl with it. especially men... the power british men hold over me is absolutely bonkers

[snezario]

not sure if this is an ADHD thing or just a Me thing but when i write, it's all over the place - like i don't write fics chronologically?? i write the scenes and dialogue as they ~come to me~ and then try to bridge the gaps as the story comes together...

ALSO i have this idiosyncrasy where i only write in the snz towards the end? i leave placeholder text or literally just space where i want to insert them.. although the descriptions tend to already be intact. i also spend ages on figuring out the spellings

[snezario]

have you ever read a fic so good that your heart ached because you know that it will never be canon? bc that's me rn

[snezario]

hello it's been a While but i'm feral for ha//zb/in ho//tel if anyone wants to hyperfixate w me, pls be my guest 🤪

[snezario]

okay so i was originally going to stay quiet abt this but like some of y'all need to stop with the haterade on hh. it's kind of immature to shame ppl for liking a show/fandom you're not into. if it's not your thing that's fine? i've never been into 90% of the snzblr fandoms and just kind of stayed in my lane. like what's so hard abt that?

[snezario]

for the first time in 7-8 years i have a geniunely sore throat... and i'm hoping it's nothing but i feel like i finally broke my streak. other than when i caught covid in 2022, i haven't really had a cold/flu since like 2016. i think it helps that i still mask and have generally good hand hygeine.

i HATE being sick. fingers crossed i'm overreacting but if not i'm going to load myself with the strongest OTC meds i can get my hands on

[snezario]

work has been so busy and stressful i haven't really had time to write or be on here much at all. i used to write bits and pieces between meetings and appointments but we're absolutely slammed and i don't know if or when it'll ever let up. i have about 1/3 of the next part of the radi/ost/atic fic but i'm so drained after work every day i don't have the energy or motivation to do much of anything once i'm off. i hope i'll be able to get it either finished this weekend or at least most of it