#i know it sounds kind of parasocial but it just hurts so much

[burnt-pizza-lolz]

Hi so im having a rlly bad day

The analog horror creator Vintage 8 might be antisemetic. Thats fun/sar

i didnt think about this when i first watched their series, but thanks to what others pointed out i now understand the harmful undertones.

In one of their analog horror series they talked about “reptilian aliens pretending to be people and invading the government” or something along those lines which is a heavily antisemetic statement, even if they didnt mean it that way. Also they apparently showed footage from world war 2 and hitler for shock value, which is also really fucked up and insensitive. I hate this so much because i got really attached to their series “the oracle project”, it was one of the best portrayals of the “sentient ai takes over the world” troupe ive ever seen, and i was hyperfixated on it for a while.

[faithfromanewperspective]

coming to the realisation that we generally don't know what to do as a society when artists share hard experiences in their songs. the fans being a little parasocial and dramatic about it? that's how fandom works when you see yourself in it like. a lot a lot. the pity? ends up coming usually from new fans who see the fans' reaction from the outside, know nothing about the artist to be able to place it in their life and what they've been through (and are thus caught off guard) and react to their first encounter with said art. no one actually wants to be pitied, they just want to be honest. and we're so used to a society of faking being fine that honesty, even about completely normal (and yet stigmatised) things sounds dramatic. feels uncomfortable. does this sound familiar? parents when their child tells them what they're going through either going 'it's not that bad everyone experiences that' or I Must Fix It And Fix It ASAP.

like I know it feels uncomfortable at first. but you can just sit there and be like 'cool, this person went through something that vaguely inspired them to make this emotional art. something that surely less talented and creative people go through every day.' and then you can see the reaction of some fans and be like 'they either relate or they care about this artist really dramatically' and decide if this is something you want to get in on or just let it by and go find the kind of entertainment you enjoy. go through the world being kind to others and yourself because there are people out there going through things you don't need to know about and sometimes the best thing you can do is care for yourself so you don't get bitter.

and i'm not here to tell you there isn't a place and time for criticisms, but when you get close to policing how dramatically someone expresses their emotions and how publicly they share the processing of their experience? that's when it's time to look at yourself. go 'is it really harming anyone or might it possibly be helping?' and when you do, remember, there's no 'taking away from real victims' if it's art made for real victims or whoever wants to to insert their own story into it. which most art is!! and 99% of the time when people make it about something in the artist's life? that's the fandom. fans get a bit parasocial! they get an attachment to the artist and end up knowing a lot of their personal details. which no one else has to.

but invalidating people's experience doesn't actually help anyone. you probably had it happen to you before. it probably helped you put together a framework in your head of what you are and aren't allowed to feel upset over. and i ask you: does this framework help you? or does it just leave you frustrated? you can throw it away you know. of course you don't have to be emotional publicly but you can validate what actually hurts you for yourself. you'll feel freer and more equipped to deal with trauma and handle other people's emotions when you do.

and as for whatever someone else might be going through or not? you don't need to validate it either, to take the authority to do either of those things. it's likely you'll never know all the details unless it's someone you're very close with. in fact, sometimes when you hear things there is misunderstanding of information!! such as if it is something someone said once and then changed their mind about later, but you only hear the first statement that went viral and another thing they did years and years later with everything in between missing that frankly, doesn't make sense with the previous thing. I feel like I've noticed people treating anyone we don't personally interact with (yet because of culture end up hearing about anyway) a similar way that it's still acceptable to treat children. and neither is helpful. the person who probably needs to heal is you, and that's okay! we're pretty much all in that boat, and it's a pretty good boat to be in.

[f0point5]

I think the whole issue with people hating/not liking the wags or anyone involved with the drivers is just a product of the way society brings young women to perceive love and relationships. It's not that deep as it sounds, but I think girls are more prone to develop parasocial relationships with the one they want to be with (usually celebrities or in this case the drivers). So they develop fantasies about them falling in love and constantly thinking about it or use tumblr to read fanfics and their brain is convinced they're the "one" for them.

Then they hate that their crushes are going out with models or other celebrities, but the reality is that, of course, they're gonna be with people with the same level od fame/status/money bc that's their circle and that's where they meet people.

Also you can fantasize all you want but you don't know that driver/celebrity that you like so much. You don't know what they're like, who they are, you don't know anything at all really let alone if you'll truly like them if you'd knew them irl (which is most likely never)

Sorry for the rant, low key it's kinda sad they think they can hate other girls that they have a chance with their celebrity crush. Also that girl you're hating is a human being and what about the drivers, as you say, they are grown men who know what they're doing so why not blame them for only choosing models if you think they're going after models only for their looks...

That is high key the reason 99% of the time. And it’s kind of obvious because you see this same behaviour from women in real life, when a guy they might like starts dating someone. It’s always “omg she’s not even pretty” or “look how she grabs him all the time omg so insecure”…exactly the same rhetoric.

The parasocial relationships are actually insane. People have this idea of who they would like these men to be based on their appearance in TikToks, after they’ve literally been advised how to behave and how not to offend people, in nearly in every situation. People will be like “oh he’s soooo sweet” like girl do you think this man does not have the urge to scream at everyone who comes up to him and asks him to sign something? Guarantee he does, because he’s human, but he also knows there’s a camera shoved in his face so he’s being polite about it. You don’t know anything about these men, not really.

Often the only way you can see even a glimpse of who these people are is by the partners they choose, and people are mad because they don’t like it. Charles choosing to be with a girl from his own circle, who is concerned with art and fashion and a quiet person is so deeply offensive to these freaks because it reminds them that it will never be them. Lando hanging out with Instagram baddie models and actresses is hurtful to the crazies because they know even if somehow they could get on his radar, they’re not his type. The existence of these women is the only thing that keeps the lunatics anchored in reality and they can’t stand it. It gives “raised on 1D fanfiction where Zayn Malik picks you out of the crowd at a concert”. They just can’t handle that these men are not men who’d ever want them. These girls are also a reminder that the drivers are just human. They’re men with options and *shock horror* they go for the one with the most social capital. Shocked pickachu face 🙄

They’re not Disney Princes, and I know damn well these girls on Twitter don’t look like the girl from Tangled so sit your petty, jealous asses down.

[sickknotdoom]

I've seen you pop up in the #sparkletag quite a bit recently, and as both a Patron and as a friend of Kneeby, I think I've had enough of your antics.

It's really depressing to see someone dedicate their entire online presence towards hating someone. It's extremely creepy and weird to obsess over every single thing kit does like this. I urge you to go find a better hobby, and I mean it. This kind of parasocial behavior is toxic and only serves to hurt everyone including yourself. Take a break from this and use that time to reflect on yourself and what you really want. Do you want to dedicate all of your time constantly rambling and raving about everything kit does online? Does that sound like a productive use of your time? I don't think it is.

all my posts boil down to "the pacing and prioritization of this comic could use a lot of improvement + i find it weird that the creator isnt raising awareness to a literal genocide going on rn" and you react by writing an angry essay. your ask seems to boil down to "you cant criticize my favorite comic because it might hurt the creators feelings" so im gonna respond with an angrier essay

there are good things about sparklecare, obviously. i resonate with it in some regards. but that doesnt mean its perfect, as nothing is. i dont even tag my shit under the main sparklecare tags (apart from the stuff about kneeby not raising awareness towards palestine) because i know people like you are gonna get upset if you see a conflicting opinion on your dash. the only tags i tend to use are #sparklecriticism and #sparklecare criticism, none of the main tags. block those tags if you dont wanna deal with me.

my criticism is valid (i think) since yeah. the comics writing has a huge problem when it comes to letting things happen naturally instead of rushing them, which results in kneeby having to explain things on the blog (which 99% of the time you have to scroll deep into since the main blog is constantly reblogging the cometcare one) rather than having the comic clarify it on its own. thats a genuine issue in storytelling so i feel like it should be addressed and worked on.

i have way more of a presence online than this blog, obviously. i just dont want this blog connected to my real identity for a wide variety of reasons (mainly not wanting to be harassed even further than i already am)

if youre a friend of kneeby then i think you should tell kit to actually DO SOMETHING to raise awareness to the genocide going on in palestine and other targets, PUBLICLY. not just an announcement in a private discord, a public statement, or AT LEAST reblog the fanart of uni waving the palestinian flag. all the social commentary ive seen (yes im still taking the social commentary into account since the comic was described as such until my blog popped up) has come across as performative to anyone besides the clowns themselves, id love to see kneeby talk about issues that dont just apply to kit.

i know damn well the sparklecare blog is kits biggest platform, kit should use it to raise awareness, i dont care if the topic makes kit sad, it makes me sad too, but i still retweet as much shit about it as possible whenever it crosses my mind because i actually care about issues that dont involve just me and i actually want to do something to change the world. im a teenager and i do more to raise awareness than a group of adults.

im just a kid with opinions

[puppethistoryhive]

not Rory i can't stand him he gets on my nerves i meant my baby Benny i'm so sick and tired of him getting picked on in the fandom with everybody being mean rude and hurtful to him and making him get hurt and harmed all the time when it comes to the fan content he doesn't deserve it i just want him to be loved and accepted and not bullied and get a win and have everything go right for a change is that too much to ask and wish for? also if all the content for Benny weeks turns out to have anything go horrible wrong and awful for him i'll be so mad

hey anon i want you to know this is actually crazy 🩶 youre allowed opinions on characters all you want but like whatever this is is batshit idk what else to say! you sound like you have some kind of parasocial relationship with a fictional character which again i can understand to a level but going into peoples inboxes like this is wild! thinking about benny week failing is so irrelevant just be glad your fav Has a week. now the main thing that ks crazy though, is going into the inbox of someone who is an introject of a character you dont like, then talking about how you dont like them!!! being mean to my mutuals isnt cool, and rory hate in general isnt allowed here 🩶 any further inboxes will be ignored 🩶 -erica

[loveisbraveandwild]

i’m a middle eastern swiftie. and when i say swiftie, i mean like, crazy kind of swiftie where i love her to death, and she means so much to me. i mean, i’m a teenager and she had made me feel so seen and comforted and understood. i don’t know how life would be without her, honestly.

i don’t think she’s a white feminist who only cares about herself. she has spoken up about black rights and treats everyone equally; she has a scatter of poc crew and staff, she has donated to these causes and such. i also do think her safety is a priority—she’s a huge popstar who is a woman and has been continually harassed, through ai pictures and stalkers. how many times did new york have to arrest her regular stalker, only for him to return again? it’s a huge issue.

but.. as much as her safety is important, is it important over a genocide? is a huge figure of the industry and america more important than millions of children dying? i used to take the stance of: if she spoke out, she would get harassed, at the beginning. but now that time passes and i’m seeing PICTURES of fucking children being hung with the organs of their legs dangling, this is just so inhumane. my stomach turns everytime i think that palestine will never get a ceasefire, nor will people care until every palestinian dies.

i hate the idea of taylor not caring enough about this. it’s very nasueating because i see her as a moral person—i genuinely believe that she is a good person, and i want that to be true. but fuck, would she really not consider speaking about a genocide happening? the more time passes, i get angrier knowing that soon there will be an end to this—the end of palestinians, not a cease of genocide.

she said she wants to be on the right side of history. that she cares. and i believe that, but i feel really hurt—no matter how parasocial it sounds—that she’s so silent right now. i just hope that she speaks up soon and is donating in private, i just really want to trust her, because i do love her.

sorry if this was too long, i just have a lot of feelings about this, especially as a middle eastern. u don’t gotta reply, but i’ve seen ur blog (a fan, u could say!) and felt safe enough to share

not too long. just gonna share because i think you bring up some really good points

[nerdyenby]

Green time :D I’m watching Jojo

Pregame

Gosh, she’s so pretty. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest

I know green got some bad luck but I’m hoping the energy survives and thrives, I’m ready for vibes!!

Jojo stays on the grind, she’s insane /pos

I know Kara would’ve said if it was H, but I like to imagine that it was H who just showed up and offered her bacon without warning

“Maybe there are kind people in this world” Jojo going through it, don’t mind her

Pete and Jojo are so freaking funny together. They’re both so deadpan it’s amazing, I’m dying

Haha who who have past MCC teams memorized, that’s so whack hahahah (it wasn’t intentional, okay? It just happens when you run two 64-spot team brackets ;-;)

Seriously though, no one can be expected to remember MCC teams from more than one event ago, if that, including (and dare I say especially) content creators. Those are your pals and you’re at work, why would you be expected to remember who you were with on a specific day??

“Oh you’re in MCC? Name every team you’ve ever been on” so true Pete

“I could probably name every single team I’ve been in” “Weird flex but okay” “Ok, I’ll go for it, here we go” Jojo really said bet

*EEEEI* “Wait, was that wrong?” “No, I just wanted to make a buzzer sound” Pete is so real for that, honestly

“Fuck vod reviewing, all my homies hate vod reviewing” Pete only has banger opinions, sot is the only vod review you need in life

Jojo’s skin is so cute!!

Pete and Jojo saying they’re excited for Michael’s ace race

Hi Hannah!!!

I love this team’s energy

Pete saying he wanted Jesus to take the wheel and Kara appeared from the heavens

“Pinged in real life” 😂

Them making plans to go to a concert together, content creators doing actual irl friend things together makes me so parasocial

Me when I have a resting tremor and my doctor has no idea why

THEYRE THE ONES THAT STARTED THE PUNCHING??? That’s so funny oh my goodness

The best reactions to the intros ever 😂

Grid Runners

This team is so go with the flow, I love them

OH MY GOD THIS STRAT

“For team morale, any time we fail a game we need at least one person on the team that can take the fall, whether it was their fault or not. Grid runners is mine, so if we fail I’m the asshole” this is so iconic I can’t

“That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen” so true Pete

Grid goes so quickly because it’s! the best! game!!!

“Guys we suck” that’s the spirit!!

“Let me check who’s to blame for this one.. Oh it’s me! Alright, lay it on me!!” “Damn Pete, what the hell?” I love this team so much

Parkour Warrior

I love the blame game they’re doing

Jojo’s popping off!!!

Jojo’s so good at this it make my heart happy but painfully, or it hurts my heart in a good way, whichever makes more sense

Rip Kara, it’s okay, it’s crazy easy to flop when the pressure gets that bad, no worries queen <333

Aw Michael was so close too :((

“As per the law, this is my fault […] I threw- oh, I’m top 5!!” Y’all don’t understand how I’m love I am with this gimmick, green30’s blame game my beloved

I love how parkour warrior isn’t just about parkour skills, it also really emphasizes time management. It makes it more variable and interesting because it’s not just gonna be the same three people winning every time because there’s no single right way to do it. It’s now a strategy game and I’m so down for that, you don’t understand

Sands of Time

“You guys suck! I’m taking about the other teams” “That’s fine” “We suck too”

Jojo my igl!!!

Michael doesn’t know our lord and savior HBomb94??? Smh…

Gosh, we’re watching a master at work, people

Michael is such a good sand keeper, he just has such “this is your captain speaking” energy

“Michael your comms are incredible, I need you to know that” yes Pete!! Hype him up!!!!

Jojo found the vault so quick but that tunnel is MASSIVE

HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE!!!! GREEN30 SUPREMACY!!!!!

JOJO SOT CHAMPION!!!!

And now we throw, so true

Ace Race

Michael be like: stonks

Jojo repping us anxiety girlies, as she should (I’m not a girl but I’m anxious enough that I think I qualify)

MUSIC TIME WITH JOJO :DD

The turtles do go boing, so true Michael

Pete and Jojo are everything

Pete and Jojo holding hands for an entire lap and a half my beloved

Jojo giving Pete the strength to do the skip then missing it herself

Kara personal best yippee!!!!

Pete fastest lap my beloved!!

YIPPPPEEEEE

Michael is thriving this MCC, we love to see it

Ayyyyy halftime show!!!!! Get it ladies!!!

This is a phone flashlight moment right here

I JUST STARTED CLAPPING IRL!??!??!! MY PARENTS HAVE PEOPLE OVER 😭😭😭

Meltdown

“Here’s the plan: uh, follow me” so true Jojo

Gosh, I love this team. No stress, no rage, just “okay, here’s what we change”

OH MY GOSH

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN THIS ROOM????

THAT WAS INSANE!!!

Kara 😭😂😂😂 the sass, my goodness

“I don’t care” Kara is so real for this, I strive to be that self-assured

“Everybody pause. Shut up now. Who?” “Where the fuck is Mumbo Jumbo?” Funniest part is that I don’t know if any of these people actually know Mumbo

Battle Box

“Everyone’s looking at me!! Oh, everyone fell. Oh my god, everyone died” 😂

Mmmm yes, tight corners my beloved /s

Prison my beloathed

WHEN DID THE GAME START???? DID I ACCIDENTALLY SKIP FORWARD AND NOT NOTICED OR WAS I JUST THAT SPACED OUT???

I like battle box, I do, I just feel like I’m never paying enough attention ;-;

Winning against red was huge, they had such good comms too

We love finding a good groove :))

Gosh the vibes are immaculate, you expect them to be super sweaty but they’re just comming in gibberish

Jojo 13 kills?!??!!

“That’s my teammate!!” Heck yeah it is, gosh Pete and Jojo are everything

Michael willing to take one for the team, what a king

Sky Battle

Jojo igl my beloved

You got this, queen

Kara hyping up Michael’s kill :))

Rip, unfortunate spawn, happens to everyone

Pete’s tone when he said Michael’s name after he died 😂

“They need to give the chicken swap to two people and enable pvp” Pete is a genius

Hole in the Wall

The absolute sass, I love them

“It’s all your fucking fault” thank you Michael

I didn’t even realize they weren’t calling colors 😭

THOSE are the lyrics??? I thought it was “I believe” not “if I was green” lmao

Jojo flipped a switch in her brain and called the most supreme hitw comms of all time

“100- I mean, red” real

“Hey, guys? I’ll take the blame on this one” “Don’t.” “King, I’ll steal the blame from you” “I will too, I messed up” this is violating the spirit of the blame game /s

Pete and Jojo holding hands on the leaderboard my beloved!!!

Dodgebolt

“I would’ve appreciated if we would’ve like, said beforehand ‘oh hey, I’m gonna throw now’ so like, I would’ve been able to be emotionally prepared”

Maybe the real treasure was the parkour tag we skipped along the way

“Man, I even took my performance-enhancing drugs” KARA 😭😭😭

Cheering when Firecracker came and joined their screenshot, then keeping the energy when Fruit, Illumina, and 5up joined in too

Them all being so excited to team together :((

THAT SOT WAS LEGENDARY!!!! GREEN30 YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS!!!!!

They’re such bad listeners /aff

“You guys don’t listen to each other, yet you listen to me when I make calls in skybattle? What the fuck?” Pete 😂

“When was the last time we saw numbers like that in sands of time?” The answer is never, Jojo!! Y’all made history!!!

Michael stop being self-deprecating, I swear, a good sand keeper is an absolute necessity and you killed it king

GREEN30 PLATE UP!!!! I don’t know it that well but it’s such fun chaos

I’ve missed these little post-mcc chats where a bunch of people join a random channel and just talk, it’s giving season one vibes :))

[artekai]

For the OC ask game, 2, 4, 5, 9 and 29 for both Fross and Kai! And for you, E, F, and H >:)

THANK YOU SM FRIEND!!! :DDD

2. How easy is it for your character to laugh?

Kai - Relatively easy! But not too much I think. It's just that he's already so upbeat and smiling all the time so laughing is like one step over that. You get what I mean?

Fross - Politely? Fairly easy if he respects you just a little and doesn't want to upset you. Genuinely? Not as much. He has to like you a lot for that, but then when that happens he totally becomes a giggly schoolboy with a crush lol.

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

Kai - Hmmm easy? Kind of. I'm not sure. Because he tends to be optimistic and try to see the good in everyone around him, if it came down to it, he would probably consider you trustworthy until proven untrustworthy. But he's not careless either, he might be an oversharer but he's not gonna trust a stranger with sensitive information unless life itself depended on it or something. So he'd give you a chance but not rush too much into it.

Fross - Extremely hard lmao. I'm convinced it took Stanley at least 80 years to earn his trust and he was even helped by the fact that Fross enjoyed spending time in VR Las Vegas and got extremely lonely because he hated all of the other Zeniths. I guess he "trusted" Ted Faro once, but that was because he was parasocializing hard and the version of Faro he had in his head was deeply romanticized.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

Kai - Relatively easy if you know where to strike.

Fross - Very easy! I'd argue that mistrust is his default state. See above. Even when he gets really close to someone, he keeps expecting them to have ulterior motives or disappoint him in some other way (e.g. Kai).

9. Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

Kai - Yes on both accounts! I'm not sure what his first swear word would be though? I'm thinking it was one he heard from his Focus and then kept repeating over and over for three weeks, much to his werak's chagrin lol. But I'd have to figure out what kind of holos Takuto would have saved in his Focus... It's not too far-fetched to think he might have learned his first swear word from Akechi himself which is a really funny idea to me.

Fross - Very rarely, I think. I don't think he would say them casually, but only if he really was pissed and trying to insult someone, if that makes sense? So that's very risky considering the circumstances which means he has to either just mutter it so they can't hear it or say them alone lol. Maybe he goes into his VR world and just yells swears for a while, that sounds healing. He definitely doesn't remember his first swear word but if I had to guess it was probably damn.

29.  Do they usually live up to their own ideals? 

Kai - He tries to, at least! He sticks to them most of the time but sometimes he slips in moments of extreme emotional distress. It's only natural.

Fross - No lol. His moral compass is a roulette wheel anyways so I'm not sure it's possible, haha. And he's also a massive hypocrite, there's that.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

Unfortunately they would both really hate my guts :( As for whether I would like them, I don't know about Fross but at least I do wish Kai were real 💔

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Depends on my mood lol. A lot of the times it's pride or excitement, occasionally it's self-recognition through the other (derogatory) which leads to actual anger and hurt and even hate lol. Sometimes it's [redacted] and sometimes it's love and care and appreciation and warmth and comfort, and sometimes it's even pity lol. When I say they're everything to me, I really mean it, haha. They make me feel the full spectrum of human emotion, even jealousy lmao. But maybe this question wasn't looking for a literal answer but more like an average :?

H) What trait do you admire most?

For Kai, it'd probably be easier to list what I don't admire about him, lol. But I guess it's just what I admire most 🤔 Soooo, probably his determination, his optimism, his can-do attitude. I like how well he plays the role of a hero. He really has the vibes of a leader who's the glue that keeps the team together. And I love that. He really inspires me in so many ways.

I guess this is gonna sound weird, but I really admire Fross's will to live. I always have. At this point I'm convinced that the only reason he survives so much shit he shouldn't be able to survive is because he really wants to (or maybe because evil never dies lol).

But, more importantly, even when everyone hates him, even when he's at his most despairing, even when it seems like he has nothing left to live for, he has this conviction that he deserves to live a good life, no matter how long it takes to find it. He knows it's unfair that the apocalypse happened during his time. And he's so sure that he deserves just as much as anybody else...

Obviously this is a problem for him because he's so ready and willing to step on whoever he needs to make his ideal life happen that it gets in his own way. He's willing to put his own right to live over an entire planet's right to live. But it's so impressive to me because it's like he's constantly drawing from a bottomless well, clinging to life, to his right to exist, even when everyone around him desperately wants him to keel over and die. I have to wonder where he got it from.

Beyond the sentimental stuff, though, this places him in direct opposition to the self-sacrificial characters around him (Aloy, Kai, Lis), which I think is cool.

[ikilledamanforthisurl]

Minami Anon x3 but so real………. Yeah idk how old he's meant to be but he very much gives me like 21-30 35 at oldest age range vibes. Which I think/agree is a factor in Why He Is Like That. I know its technically noncanon but i also think a lot about the implications of Minami once never drinking but then when he discovered fire breathing he started drinking 24/7 from this one scene w Majima in dead souls like hmmmmmmm….. wonder what’s going on there buddy…….. something you'd like to share with the class Minami about how you perceive yourself/any potential wants for attention. Anyways it’s okay if the you sound untranslatable I understand and also relate to that feeling of 24/7 thinking i come across as incomprehensible 💖 no pressure to do so but I would personally love to read that Saejima teacher ramble and how it affects Minami etc etc also

ohhh man it's canon. if we're taking rggo's scraps as having some relevancy then dead souls absolutely is canon. and more importantly, its canon TO ME (takes consecutive puffs of my copium inhaler)

yeah i had this at the ready. yeah. i tear my shirt open and it has "the line from dead souls where Majima outs Minami as a fucking square" tattooed across my chest. not the line itself but those exact words. i cannot describe how his charm shot thru the fucking roof to me when i heard he used to be completely straight edge!! what a fucking dork!! come here i'm giving you a wedgie boy

and then the ehhhh half-subjective half-objective tragedy of him succumbing to a vice to the point of functional alcoholism (or currently functional aud as some folks call it, which is unfortunate naming conventions for those who use australian currency) implying he's been a "pretty good drinker" for an extended amount of time. and the kicker is majima totally could not care less. there's no evidence to Him Specifically being the one who got Minami to drink but it's absolutely regular Family practice, if the boy wants to fit in with the Majimagumi he needs to top up!

hc shit-i-made-up territory but i LIKE to believe that Majima personally influenced him this way during whatever limited time they had in direct contact with each other (cause while you COULD have their dynamic between a twat who signed up + the twat who runs the business and nothing more its not as fun. a little too parasocial methinks) but this is 99% due to me finding a song that makes me imagine the perfect sequence for this (dont get me.started on Majimagumi songs. i like to delude myself into thinking i'll animate to one of them eventually). also considering the kind of man Majima was during Shimano-servant-era i feel like it wouldnt be too out of character. he's not a malicious person but by god he does stupid shit and hurts people so much in so many horrific ways he could not care less about putting some highschool level peer-pressure shit on the new recruit just because he's Bored. what's one more hurt person in the grand scheme of things.

Alllso... getting back on track..? WHY was Minami straight edge in the first place. it could be any reason under the sun but the way it's worded here really sounds like it took a lot of willpower to break his resolve to just have a sip, just tryyyyyyy it, yadda yadda. if Minami is as punk as i totally project unto him to be, then he'd be no stranger to lives lived in excess..... i could not tell you for certain that Straight-Edge was a Punk Thing in pre-2010 Japan whatsoever. an attitude, sure, but i'm talking music scene shit........ however, gigs involve lots of booze at the bare minimum regardless of country. 'tis just the way of life. and 'tis a plausible outlet for WHY he seemed to have such a strong unwillingness to drink....

you know, outside of other stuff like experiences with friends and family. those can work too. those are considerably more sad and personal... those can work alongside gig culture shit. i dont have anything explicitly outlined but its definitely something i'd like to write for him... make up a little backstory so i can maybe explore some themes that RGG wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, like addiction. it interests me a lot and getting it somewhat RIGHT interests me a lot. i know for sure RGG would fuck it up LMAO

[the1975attheirverybest]

I have to admit smth. The love I have for Matty kills me, it makes me sad and depressed I need to stop bc after put the phone away I realize how bad my life is

Oh, hun. I’m sorry.

To be honest, and maybe this is controversial to say, and probably unhealthy, so you should feel totally free not to listen to me and just…do the normal human thing. But, I think it’s a bit shitty that society makes us feel bad about our love for art. I could go on and on about this for ages. I’ll spare your the details, but I’m kind of sick of the whole “parasocial relationships are bad” thing.

I think, yes, it’s helpful to remember that we do not actually KNOW Matty. That we only see a version of him based on what he actively chooses to share with us. I think we definitely shouldn’t reduce him to his celebrity status or do the kind of thing that allows people to just bombard him at airports or show up to his hotel or whatever. Definitely yeah that shit is important. However, I absolutely REFUSE to apologize for the joy that he brings me and that his music brings me. When I say that he saved my life, I’m not exaggerating. I know he says shit about like not knowing if fans are being dramatic when they say that to him. Well, I’m not. I was actively suic*dal when I discovered the 1975, and the fact that someone out there not only felt the way that I did, but put words to it, made it into art, transformed it into a positive thing made me feel so much comfort when scene mental professionals were at all loss for how to help me.

To this day, just the fact that someone as beautiful and smart and kind as he is exists in the world and is out there making it better by making music and bringing crowds together and articulating such complex and often contradictory ideas in such a relatable way, challenging us to think differently, and all the other weird and wonderful things that this rat of a man does on a daily basis brings me so much hope, joy, and comfort. So I just absolutely refuse to be guilted into feeling bad about it cuz he doesn’t know I exist or cuz it’s not normal to feel this intensely about some public figure. Yeah, if I were feeling this way about [insert stereotypical celeb here] then absolutely shame me for it. But I think he’s one of a handful of people who is worth it. You won’t catch me saying that shit about, like, Kim Kardashian, or Drake. The day that I start writing Drake fanfics is the day that….idk take me out of my misery.

So, if it makes you happy, and you find it meaningful, do it! Fuck societal expectations. If it makes you sad that you don’t actually know someone who’s like that, BE THAT PERSON. Be that for others.

If, however, it’s actually hurting your mental health to participate in a fandom that brings you more harm than good, then yeah, maybe think about why that is/ what you can do to change it.

Again, I might be completely in the wrong here. I’m well aware that I sound fucking insane. So, if this isn’t sitting right with you, feel free to tell me to fuck right off. I totally understand. …thanks for coming to my ted talk lol

[maschinen-mensch]

@jothwitch tagged me, thank you so much! it has been a while since I did one of these and this one has great questions so here we go:

what book are you currently reading? I’m soon finished with Bono memoirs “Surrender” and I’m in the middle of the The Expanse books, currently in “Nemesis Games”.

what’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year? I’m answering for 2022 and the answer is obviously Top Gun: Maverick 😘

what do you usually wear? black/white converse, black pants, some dark top /band t-shirts/geek t-shirts/turtlenecks

how tall are you? 159cm which is *googles*… 5′2.6″

what’s your Star Sign? do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event? I’m a typical Cancer and I’m checking now and I see that Liv Tyler, Princess Diana, Léa Seydoux share my birthday 💅 

do you go by your name or nickname? just my mum and one friend call me Nuri, which is just a shorter version of my name

did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? oh no. when I was really young I wanted to become an animal breeder (?!), then zoologist and in my teens I went into the typical STEM direction. Then after one uni semester of Physics I completely changed direction to Cultural Anthropology and now I’m in the online marketing business.

are you in a relationship? if not who is your crush if you have one? nope. (for details about my situationships you can follow my private twitter account) I don’t have a crush irl, but my current celeb crushes are well documented on my Twitter and here on Tumblr.

what’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at? good: taking fandom things not too serious, being aware that it’s all just good fun, keeping my distance and being aware of the parasocial dynamics when it comes to my faves bad: taking things from my job too much to the heart and being always on edge about it

dogs or cats? definitely more of a cat person

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year? (again taking 2022 for this) the fancams I made for Volk and Kosinski 🥺 I’m super slow with making such edits but I’m really proud of them.

what’s something you would like to create content for? the content I really want to make I already do on my own channels for my own group of (online) friends. I guess I would like to do more and do it better.

what’s something you’re currently obsessed with? Kosinski, my boy :’) establishing himself as one of the big guys in the world of Hollywood movie directors while looking handsome as ever

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year? (2022) mhh Ghost in the Shell: SAC_2045, it already started 2020 but it finished in 2022. And it’s just… not good. :( I’m a huge fan of the classic GITS: SAC seasons so this one hurt.

what’s a hidden talent of yours? I don’t really know an answer for this.. maybe dancing without a care in the world when the right music is playing since most times only strangers (I often go to clubs alone) see me doing that?

are you religious? no but I love to use “jesus” “god damn it” as swear words all the time. and in English, not in my actual native tongue. because Swiss German cursing just doesn’t sound right.

whats something you wish to have at this moment? well. a date with someone pointy, lean and tall with the right kind of sharp cheekbones and nice hair would be cool. 👉👈 otherwise, idk, a Starbucks hot chocolate.

tagging: ok let’s see… @gwinny3k @semperrgumby @saikkunen @krennicss, @bluestockingbaby, @thisisnottheblogyourelookingfor @shipmastered @neonwizardheehee (oh neonwizardheehee I think I remember you have tagged me for something similar in the past but I didn’t do it then, I’m so sorry ;_;). Of course there’s no obligation, just wanted to show I’ve thought of you <3

[jasperjv]

Over the years, Connor has built up a small army of allies, mostly online, to help him and support him. We were in group voice calls with him frequently, and I was among them. Nowadays we have raged and mourned among ourselves over who we thought and hoped he was, unanimously agreeing that he desperately needs therapy from a specialist. I’ve had two separate therapists of mine posit that his behavior strongly suggests a severe degree of Cluster B personality disorder. These disorders, they also informed, require extensive treatment, a specialized therapist, and possibly even a small team to be available to reach at any time of day. These sufferers can be extremely volatile, prone to self-destructive behaviors and suicide attempts.

All this would naturally be very alarming. However online users have been his primary social support (no matter how many times we told him not to do this), and he has some uncritical misgiving that if he spreads out his venting over a group, no one will feel directly spoken to and therefore should and must not get personally attached to him, even when spoken with directly and reciprocated live, and even in groups he is not the administrator of. He has not seen that this would instead multiply the problem. He has a hard time imagining anyone else's perspective.

So for someone who purports a desire for distance, he has shared far too much about himself and his personal life. And for someone who calls himself a storyteller, he really should know how powerful stories can be, and are. My remembering all of these things is simply part of human nature to be engrossed in tales and stories. To us as a group, he certainly was an underdog protagonist, and for all of the things I detail below, eventually we all became fervently protective of him, but he just went on assuming that this tendency was normal. He just went on taking it for granted. He went on thinking that this is just what “parasocial” fans are like.

Connor had been telling everyone with ears to hear that his brother was prepared to murder him in a nasty fight. Of course, he has always conveniently excluded anything that may have provoked this aggression. But he would always tell this story with a palpable amount of hurt in his voice, so we all felt it was far from us to question anything about it, instead validating his feelings. We were all in our 20s, so of course that was all that had occurred to us to do. This is assuming he was even mindful enough to comprehend or remember what provoked the attack anyway.

Connor was live in one of his/our many group calls reporting his experience moving back in to his family home again in 2020. According to Connor's report at that time, there was an incident where his brother was in the way of the television. Connor said he yelled at him, and that then his thought was, “Oh this is still just like when we were kids. Here we go again.” This, of course, doesn't factor in that Connor was the one who started yelling. This is the type of fundamentally unempathetic, disrespectful, personally persecuted framing he chronically engages in.

A few days later, he was in call again sounding utterly crestfallen. He said his brother's therapist had gently asked him to leave. He told us that to see him off, his dad hugged him and told him he loved him. Regretfully, at the time, my reaction was to get angry and to tell him to cut them all off for showing favoritism toward his brother, though I very quickly backed down from it and I believe I did apologize. I don’t know for sure how much he has held on to this interpretation of events despite (as it would feed his complex quite well), but I’ve been told now that he has been telling everyone that his mother keeps him on the family's health insurance only for some kind of tax break. To me that seems to show the general attitude he prefers to hold about his own family: he can't even believe his own mother loves him without some kind of catch. And now I can't help but feel I may be partially to blame for this.

In the 2 years Connor and I communicated, I had fought with everything in me to earn the most basic modicum of respect from him and to maintain it consistently. But reflecting upon this now, I see he is incapable of affording any respect whatsoever to even his own brother.

One day in 2021 or so, he drank too much. It seemed to everyone at first that the next morning was just a hangover, confirmed between both text and voice chat. One of us gave him money to order a pizza. But within a few hours, he said he started vomiting blood and ended up hospitalized.

But despite everything, and much more, Connor demonstrates an egregious lack of mindfulness about the ways people have helped him while taking nothing from him. This results that, in practice, he holds impossible standards for what he considers a “good person.” There is little to nothing one can do to curry just enough favor with him in order to be treated with consistent decency. It has left us all feeling used up and burnt out, when being treated with dignity and the appropriate level of gratitude and personhood is genuinely the only thing we wanted in return. For well-adjusted people, that would go without saying. But I know that just affording us simply that would've felt to him like being used, as he would feel it putting himself in an unacceptable vulnerable position, whether he is consistently consciously aware of that or not. How to get on his good side is to win a lottery of many incidental factors, and the few who have won it I've come to know as not actually particularly outstandingly “good” as long as people are given a reasonable amount of good faith.

Now, Connor and I, at one point, were exchanging hundreds of messages, for hours a day. He only wanted to talk in public chats. Anything more direct (with nobody else to mediate the conversations, I suppose) would apparently frighten him terribly. But it was obvious to everyone except him that we were particularly fixated on each other anyway. Everyone else had assumed we were fast friends and without him present, they tended to talk about us as such. I had found him fascinating, having a personality so seemingly opposite to my own and yet has reached the same conclusions in politics and social issues.

I was first drawn to investigate him during a difficult time when I was frustrated and angry, and he seemed to mirror that in 2018. He seemed to me to be someone who would never be used as a doormat, like I felt I was. I am a soft and sweet person, fundamentally compassionate and nurturing, but I was never raised to acknowledge that or taught what to do with it. I felt he had some kind of answer that resonated, validating the fury I was feeling. I thought there was something to learn from him. I felt constantly pitied, disrespected, thinking if I could just get angry, like him, all of that might end. He reinforced my insecurities, so it made sense to me: he functioned essentially to show me my supposed problems and offer the cure.

If he weren't abusive, he would not have obliged that vulnerability. He would not have talked down to me and bragged every time he seemed right about something. (As an example of talking down, at one point he told me I was too weak to move to Pennsylvania, because everyone there would be too mean for me, when we were just bantering about the low cost of living there). It was his responsibility as an adult, and as someone who supposedly wanted distance, to simply not take an opening just to make someone who was feeling down on himself into an even more beaten-down misanthrope molded in his own image. I wish that went without saying. I was only 2-3 years younger than him and we were both adults, but it was not immoral for me to have a time of weakness and vulnerability and to not have been taught my own worth by the people who should have taught me, and to not be aware of this all. But it is immoral and inappropriate to exploit that, even in the case that I was also an adult.

But in defense of my past self, personal details spilled from him uncontrollably. It was the most heartbreaking, loudest cry for help I had ever heard. I was absorbed in his narratives where he was the misunderstood underdog with a lot of trauma, like me. And I just wanted to do my best to help, as I have always been someone who takes the reins when I don't see anyone else doing it. But that was another thing he exploited. I cared deeply, and I took any implication or accusation from him that I didn't, not as an insult, but understandable, and a challenge to overcome. If you are at all familiar with toxic relationships and how they work, this had all better sound familiar to you.

Our dynamic couldn't have been more toxic. I picked his brain and was quickly infatuated, while he insidiously broke me down in open chat space. He used doublespeak constantly to make unsavory accusations which I'd respond to subtly in kind, and the friends around assumed that this abstracted language was us playing around, while it was often actually a heated argument. He talked down to me (causing others around to view me without respect as well), and made fun of how I typed and sometimes talked, which would prompt me to “correct” myself subtly over time until I began to lose my ability to articulate myself. He also aggressively opposed any of my hope in the future for his own emotional catharsis (though he also did this to others while I was a favorite target) which I took as a relished challenge, even as I also exhausted myself engaging in it frequently.

Now I understand this as an externalization of what very much should be an internal emotional coping process that he has offset to others purely out of his own laziness. I also know now that he fed on me trying so hard to get him to understand and accept my good intentions. It kept me talking and available. He'd occasionally feign being available for persuasion in that. He’d occasionally recognize how temperamental and harshly judgmental he could be, talking about times he was wrong about someone in the past and changed his mind. He said he would be open to honest criticism. But it was usually just an invitation for an argument.

On many occasions he has outright stated that artists in general remind him of his younger self, and so he assumes all the things he hates about his younger self probably also applies to those artists. He sees his younger self as an arrogant, self-aggrandizing egomaniac. For many years he has taken it upon himself to judge the character of any artist who crosses his path and “humble” them based on his own moral assessment. This simply takes the form of potshots and bullying.

As an artist and target, I have to believe that I do remind him of his younger self. But it is also clear to me that he was sensitive as a boy, as I'm still sensitive today, as an adult near his age. He always treated me as juvenile for making efforts to be optimistic. Sometimes he really has talked to me like a chastising father, which always disturbed me, but I ignored that intuition.

I enjoyed challenging him in any kind of debate even if it drained me. And unfortunately, some of that debate was about what kind of person I fundamentally am, and sometimes what kind of person he was. These never should have been up for debate in a healthy, good-faith relationship of any kind. Eventually I'd been made to fear myself. My infatuated feelings simply happened to me, but just the fact of them existing felt like a violation. I never once felt I was entitled to him or anything from him. I'd never felt so deeply ashamed of and disgusted by myself.

In my gut I must have known the whole time that I was being terribly mistreated, and outwardly that manifested as me almost daily venting my thoughts and feelings, really trying to get at why I felt so awful. And I thought this behavior was fine, because really he did the exact same thing. And I couldn't deign to consider it to be the guy who had always had such a hard life. I loved him, and everybody loved him. I did this so much that I'm certain I said some stupid things just by probability. And he told us all at some point that he keeps a screenshots folder on his desktop that he browses through sometimes. When he got called out in 2018 he had screenshots already of people looking like fools that he framed dishonestly (I know in hindsight but, in a way that, at the time, definitely had me fooled) so I wouldn't be surprised if he is sitting on a pile of my less-than-proud moments right now. And I am also sure that he's livid that he can't show screenshots of, what he now damned well should understand, is me having a psychotic breakdown, without looking like a complete monster.

Now, to jump all the way back to the topic of us all being very protective of Connor, I just want to be very clear that I don't blame any of these people I'm about to talk about. They are still my friends. They meant well, and they do currently mean well, and they do not disrespect me (however unintentionally) anymore. We were all under Connor's spell at the time.

Every single time Connor would talk down to me and something didn't feel right, every time he would insult me but I wasn't sure that's what it was, and especially every time he sent me a patronizing rant over nothing, I would come to the rest of the group to try and get support. Back then, I didn't know anything about the value of feeling my feelings. Especially by this point in our toxic relationship, I always thought I had to be the one who had the problem, especially since he was the one who apparently had such a difficult life. (I mean, I also had a difficult life, but I figured I at least was handling it pretty well.) I only cared about feeling better as quickly as possible and getting things back to a comfortable baseline. My friends would tell me that he didn't mean what he said, that he didn't mean it that way, that his paranoia as a very popular person was understandable so I shouldn't take it personally and just let him be defensive, that they were sure he cared about me and didn't want to hurt my feelings but was just blunt. And I would take any crumb he would throw at me to get the peace back. I didn't know back then that this just caused him to view me as a pathetic insect even more.

In early 2021, I was very confused by what was going on between us, and after he again lectured me like a toxic father would over nothing, I left his Patron Discord server while not really being able to say what happened, because I didn't know. At that point I had had my ability to articulate myself worn down thoroughly over time to where I wasn't able to tell anyone what was wrong, especially in a way that wouldn't make Connor look bad, as I had been told over and over to just be understanding and patient and whatever else.

Now, it had been some months, and he was still in a separate group chat as a fellow common member. It caused me a lot of fear, which I hid. There is a way to block people in chat. It hides what they have typed, but not to hide the fact that they HAVE typed. He would become more active when I started chatting. He’d send a message right after mine, and I couldn't read it through the block, but I figured he was trying to get my attention. He gave up, but I needed to get away.

But then all the stress in my life including his behavior caused me to have a psychotic breakdown. I used to live with my parents as I was going to college, but through their ignorance (as I am adopted so they are removed enough for my biological mother, whom I have inherited the schizophrenia from, to be totally lost with what to do) they were too frightened to have me live with them anymore. This happened on Easter 2021, and ever since then I've just been trying to survive. My parents didn't prepare me for financial independence as it was the safer route, the easier one, and I'm sure they thought they still had time even though I was already age 24 at that time.

But then in September and October 2023, my friends keeping up with Connor's activities told me what he had taken away from the whole thing. Up until then I was too scared to find out for sure, though I knew a range of possibilities.

Connor really decided to have so little respect for me in the end that he was willing to accept actual psychotic word salad mania as the childish tantrum of some fundamentally idiotic lunatic I truly was all along, despite anything that would have been to the contrary. While this would be useful for him for dismissing once and for all any debate I'd ever had with him to try to help him see the world as a less hostile place, this was the moment I drew a hard line. Ableism against those on the schizophrenic spectrum is beyond unacceptable to me.

Connor has a habit of using any mental illnesses or conditions he is aware he has as excuses for his behavior, but anyone else, especially with any conditions he doesn't personally have, he has no patience for and chalks it all up to personal failings on their part.

While I'm on the topic; while he abused me, I kept searching and finding more and more mental and physical health conditions that might explain why I was so inadequate. I even thought I had brain trauma, which I would think he would understand as a huge fan of boxing. The list only grew longer. I thought this was my growth. Part of me also thought he might finally go easy on me. It didn't work, of course.

But just the fact that he really did go so far as to reduce a mental illness as serious as psychosis (uncritically, lying by omission by not even caring about my side of the story because he didn't want to be proven wrong) into a personal failing, that hurt him personally, sent me into a rage. But even the personal slight to me aside, I felt an obligation to correct the record to the best of my ability to at least push back against this egregious saneism.

He also had assumed and purported as fact (lying by omission by not getting the other side of the story) that he had been kicked out of our friend group (this was while I was inpatient in the psychiatric hospital) because I, specifically, made a stink over supposedly spuriously supported transphobia on his part. And I've already somewhat discussed his unexamined transphobia and his dismissive, very offensive and harmful stereotyping of me as an oversensitive trans person. Because now not only am I being painted as unreasonably upset over pronouns, but he paints the people “on my side” about this as unfair, unreasonable, performative, etc etc.. In his story I am made into the problem for existing in the group, and having supposedly too much power over them all by making them all feel bad for me and consequently persecute him over unexamined and spurious accusations of transphobia against him. You probably know how the transphobic narrative goes. Really that's just a fraction of what he has to say about transmasculine people in general.

I could definitely see how it could occur that other trans people, especially transmasculine people, who still support him could definitely hate me just because of this narrative setup that he has going. I would be made into the villain that makes the rest of them look bad by fulfilling stereotypes or whatever, when they haven't even met me. It would be a Blaire-White-style bullying in a desperate attempt to set themselves apart from this completely bullshit version of me they've made up in their heads to Connor’s benefit.

Let me talk to all of you for a second. I'm severely disappointed in all of you that this keeps happening over and over again online, and yet you all still seemingly haven't even considered this as a possibility. And even after all that I've told you about my psychotic episode being the actual factor in this, you still couldn't even bother to connect the dots. And the way you've all used my schizoaffective disorder– when almost nobody has any actual functional undunderstanding of it and are ignorant to the point of seriously endangering us every day given how rare it is– as a bludgeon for your selfish agendas is absolutely disgusting and there's no excuse for it. User humancorps3 even had the gall to Blaire-White me about that as well. I wouldn't be surprised if you all sent that person after me on behalf of all of you for that reason alone thinking I would bitch out and that person could get to have a heaping dose of precious “pick-me” energy. You are all fucking awful, terrible people and you seriously need to grow up. I mean it.

But anyway. My pushback clearly caused him to lash out. For a while he'd even been using the doublespeak obvious to me which we had always used when we conversed, to joke about things I'd posted while in psychosis but couldn't delete from the mental hospital, when I had just told him that's what it was. That is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances. He also posted, “Anyone who has a problem with me should just fight me to the death,” because he'd rather die than become a better man, perhaps especially at my hand, as if that would make me feel any better and absolve him of any guilt. (This is an example of the doublespeak we would engage in. He calls it part of “lateral thinking” and is fixated on getting more people to think that way.) It's juvenile and frankly, insulting to be thought of that way. It would be an easy way out for him. But he would shortly delete these posts, conveniently.

(Quick aside: if anyone's tweets ever make you feel dread in the pit of your stomach but you can't figure out why, that's not fucking normal.)

In either September or October 2023, I’d come to be told that he’d been talking about me as if we were a real couple in some capacity, some kind of lovers. My friends felt I had the right to know these things because I had been so scared up until that point to hear what he had taken away from witnessing my psychotic breakdown in real time. He would call me “jilted” and bitter, and make himself out to be a sexual Casanova. Yes, at one point, we were engaging in flirting that was exclusively sexual in nature, with the understanding that it would be shallow sex if we ever did meet up. My reasoning was that I hadn't yet experienced sex, but wanted to try it before I died. His reasoning was that it would feel good. And I felt so much pain on his behalf after all of the stories that he fed the friend group that I just thought it might brighten his day. Make no mistake that I was never under any misgivings and never thought anything to the contrary, but he was extremely paranoid and very disrespectful of my intelligence on the matter, and would send me essay’s length paternalistic chastising if I ever tried privately engaging with him on any level that wasn't purely transactional in nature, ((even if it was just me voicing my concerns about literally anything away from prying eyes,)) and would instantly jump to the conclusion that I had lied about understanding the terms of our agreement.

But it was shocking for me to find out that in calls and Twitter Circle calls, he would be reminded of me quite easily and he would go off on tangents where he's made himself out to be a victim. It should go without saying that if he was never attached to me as he claims and were over me, this wouldn't happen. But the fact that he paints me as an ex now, I find to be positively revolting after the way I've been treated, and he had specifically told me on multiple occasions not to call myself even his friend, not even as a joke, and I didn't joke about it after that. This new information caused me to have to recontextualize the entire dynamic between the two of us and be forced to reprocess it all over again. So now it's May 2024 and I'm finally going into detail.

Why the focus on his father at all? Well, it's the stories he would tell in an inappropriate “avoidant-attachment” style, as my therapists have put it. His dad would come up in these very frequently. I remember Connor telling me on multiple occasions, even during some of our many debates, that there were only two things he felt he could bond with his dad over: boxing, and political debate. One might be able to imagine how this has affected my processing of these events in hindsight.

He also told all of us how he would try really hard to harden him up for the world– holding tournaments with him and his brothers underdressed in the snow and now he has Raynaud's Disease. (I don't know if this correlates in actuality or not.) He would tell us about the time he got beaten up and how he didn't feel supported or cared about when his dad's response was to banter with a friend of his about his scuffles in the past. He told us how hurtful it is to naturally be such a large man so people assume he is violent. He told us how he joined the football team just to get bullies to leave him alone, and said that was the moment he realized that the only way he can go about life is violently, because of the hand he was dealt. He told us that when people act like assholes, he can at least be secure in that they're not faking it. So basically he spends time around a lot of you people specifically because you all suck ass.

I wish his dad would apologize so that all of this might stop. I don't want any more people to be abused, I hate to see the mind Hell Connor lives in. By the way, both he and I are now diagnosed as autistic. He is open about his status. So he will go easy on you if you say you have autism and demonstrate a different level of functioning than him, but only in an insulting, paternalistic way.

I think I speak for all of us when I say: we just wanted him to get help.

I fully understand that my revealing all this can be seen as a breach of Connor’s trust. In any other circumstance, I wouldn't even consider it. I even told you people repeatedly that I didn't want to air things out like this. The point was that he already knew these things so I wouldn't have to remind him, but now I see that the cognitive dissonance of people defending him viciously might benefit from all this being detailed.

But I also like to think I've been clear just how Connor has selectively breached all of our boundaries in our group and dashed my most base level of trust (trust to not lie about me and not be transphobic) when it benefited him in a short-term, maladaptive way. Controlling information and keeping secrets is also a main way he exercises control over people. I even understand I'm here now taking responsibility for some stuff I really don't need to. And I have always been fully within my rights to expose how he's abused me and the rest of us, and I'm not required to be concerned with the consequences. None of you have to fucking lecture me. None of you know your place. None of you know just how much he doesn't give a fuck about any of you. Fuck you people. I never did anything wrong. I didn't want to do this. Work on yourselves. Get the fuck off Twitter and go to therapy.

I will never use Twitter recreationally again, only for things such as archival or third party login purposes. I see that it has far too many bloodthirsty, terrified, fucked up people vocal on there, using therapy-speak and thought-stopping clichés to gaslight and abuse people they don't even know without even looking them in the face for those social cues, as well as each other they think are their friends, while everyone else is too scared to tell them they're not fucking normal. No, it's not normal to be so worried that you and everyone else is feeling the “correct” emotions. Because from experience I know that's what this all comes down to. You're not fucking normal. Delete your accounts.

You pushed me nonstop when I was just posting in a way where you'd be able to see it and you have such a fucked up sense of boundaries that you think I'm the intruder here. I tried to warn you. Now I want you all to know what he's done, and also why he's done it. Unlike many of you, I want to be fair to him, even if he derailed my entire life. Also because now, I truly know without fear of delusion, thanks to your harassment letting shit slip, that it wasn't personal, because he was just scared and lashing out against some fiction he believed me to be while in his most paranoid moments. But if that isn't bullying itself, I don't know what is. Some of you may be shocked to struggle to come to the conclusion that when people are pieces of shit, they always are for reasons that make perfect sense to them, and not necessarily to you, egotistical pricks.

That being said, I don't know if he should have a Patreon anymore. Hell, I don't know if he should even be a content creator anymore. Because all of this allows him to keep stagnating as a person. His Patreon has been reported, citing his off-site behavior, as Patreon within the last couple of years have made statements about Onision and Iiluminaughtii (not that any of them can actually be compared, OBVIOUSLY) that they will not tolerate their site being used to enable abuse off-site (paraphrased). I'll just leave it up to what they think. I at least thought they must be made aware

With this post, hopefully I'm done with this. I've partially blamed myself for all of this. I've also felt like I've been the only one (with my autistic memory and all the horrific stories of his I've been burdened with and with nothing I'm able to do with it) who might be able to clear the air once and for all. And now I can make peace with the fact that I at least tried to make it right.

[cherrywade]

that’s such a good way of putting it! i like a few bmth songs but i don’t know that many. i’ve dabbled into emo music and i think fob and bmth fit under emo??? but i’m not sure 100%. definitely get the interest in them, i should listen to more honestly but it’s Not The Right Time yet haha. it will happen sooner or later! just not now :’]

REAL!!!! i fucking have to have lyrics the first time i listen to a song or else i may as well not listen to it. i need to know the very essence of the song in every form or i’m not satisfied. lyricism is one of my favorite things, probably because i love words in general, but GOD. i love songs and concepts and fitting that into groovy lil tunes. it’s the best. AND YES, oh my god. you get it. i fucking love chateau (feel alright) because at a certain point in the song, you can hear joe’s mouth sounds and i’m so fucking obsessed with it. it’s also just one of my favorite djo songs in general. it’s ethereal to me. it’s a favorite song of all time of mine, as well as end of beginning. i did the math of playing a certain part of that song as the new year rolled in, if that explains any at all how much i adore end of beginning. music and me are one, as are you and music. i’m so happy you understand. it’s made me overjoyed and no less of it

:( that’s so kind. i hope you’re proud of yourself, because i am <3 i am so glad that you’re here, thank you for being here. i’m sure little you is so so so proud of you and happy to be where you are now 🫶

WOAH. that food looks so delicious, holy shit. looks like food from an actual recipe website or something. broccoli is so good by the way. i had this broccoli bake recently that was like mac and cheese but was broccoli instead of macaroni and it was incredible! i hope you can have more nice food soon, to treat yourself and such <3333

-🦇 (MWAH, you’re so nice to talk to. i felt like this was worth adding. talking to you makes stuff feel less lonely, if that’s not too parasocial to say. you’re such a cozy person and you have incredible vibes. thank you for existing in this space. you make it a lot brighter just by being you)

I think technically bmth is like screamcore stuff but they aren't as screamy now thankfully cuz i cant do the constant screams. Im like baby you're hurting both us with all this yelling. 🤣🤣🤣 but yeah i would think like emo punky and fob is like poppunk i think. I just ADORE their lead singer and his voice and ugh i can try and rec you a few songs if you ever want! Whenever the time hits!!!

(Gonna pop this under a readmore cuz they keep getting long!!! 🤣🤣🤣)

Ooohh yessssss Chateau is SUCH a dreamy song!!!! Its not my fave fave one but it does get stuck in my head A LOT. and yesss end of beginning is amazing too!!! I think Mutual Future (repeat) is one of my very faves. I just love how slow it is and then the like, way he almost chants the bit later on. Like he's full of so much need. Like... gosh. There's also a line in Personal Lies that literally makes my head go all fuzzy every time i hear it. Cuz, and hopefully not too tmi here, but I'm a little subby gremlin and he uses his condescending voice when he says "you need attention. Well baby there's the line" and i just.... go a little feral. Every time. Getting shivers now just thinkin about it. But like... that happens with me and music alllll the time!!!! And i LOVE that you timed it!!! Thats amazing!!! Sometimes you just need to hear the right thing to start the year right!!!!

And i am! Very proud of myself. I still have bad days here and there. But they never feel like i can't get past it anymore. So thats really nice. I just sort of embraced the small joys and it really just makes things brighter!

And awwww thank youuuuuu!!!! I love cooking so much!!!! I would share my food if i could!!!

YOU ARE SO SWEET OH MY GOSH! not parasocial too much i don't think. Most of my friends are online people who live in my phone ans i have so much love for them!!! BUT IM GENUINELY SO GLAD MY VIBES ARE GOOD AND COZY YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRYYYYY!!!!

[edge-oftheworld]

ever find a good blog or fan creator you think is really good and then scroll back and find they were a bitch and a troll to sierra and kaykay and probably crystal back in like 2018 and pushing a narrative that was obviously false and made no effort to redeem themselves or take down any of it? like i don't hold grudges, not usually, but some extremes are unacceptable and do cause harm to the people in question and like. the people you're in the fandom for too

and so in my classic style i am mad when i see that but some weird glitch in my brain turns that energy into compassion so here's my attempt at a reasonable understanding take. on my quest to be actually neurodivergent affirming, and my take of musicians being healthcare workers: pretty universally, we take music in when we're feeling unseen, lonely, struggling, we find songs we relate to, we get invested in the people who make them who we relate to through their songs and other content they share, the nature of the parasocial relationship means the love we give is never reciprocated personally only collectively. and there's a bit more creative license to fill in the gaps of things they don't share in the pictures of them in our heads than when with real people: real people will call you out on your bullshit or disappoint you by not being that fantasy and so someone will leave. anyway

in an ideal world we all find our tribe who understand us and we all grow in our understanding of ourselves and other people and we facilitate them finding that social capital too, we share it around. but in the meantime and in real life more generally music and parasocial relationships help get us through the times we don't have that. they can also inspire us to find it for ourselves and other people (why do you think i'm here seriously guys) and i can't overstate how much this saves lives. lives and relationships and careers and life goals and it sounds triumphant when i say it like that, and it is.

but the truth is it's messy, sometimes it is quite literally surviving til the next show. living for the next bit of content. and sometimes brains don't get it right and it's easy for youuuuuuuuuuu to say if it's not something you struggle with JUST BE RESPECTFUL and i want to. i really want to because if someone is so convinced their take is true and they NEED to express that, but it's hurting people, really defaming, invalidating, bringing down their confidence, causing lasting hurt. it does need to stop.

but it's not necessarily helpful to the struggling fan to just say 'stop that', you need some way to meet that need. and most of the time we don't have that. we don't have comprehensive mental health services, they're still pretty basic, monocultural, as good as they are, access is still shit, supply and demand do not equalise. and then all you have is music. and so i don't know where everyone is coming from. but i can guess and i can have compassion. like i get it. i feel responsible for making the world a little better and helping help get where it needs. because it's gonna help protect the people who are being hurt by this because it's really happening. for celebs it's a massive problem. for their partners who may or may not be famous in their own right (it doesn't matter either way brings its own struggles) too.

they're giving us music to get us through shit and how do we repay them? sure with a good decent (if insecure) amount of money if they're popular enough. but also with this behaviour that no matter what the complex suffering and neurobiology going on behind it is, they (celebs) have no obligation to be understanding about it. they should not have to go through any of it to begin with. it's like. being traumatised for offering some help? i know there are good stories that outweigh this but i do truly think we especially have to be kind to their partners who might get less of that direct benefit and more of the hate. we need to believe what our artists say and if they're lying to us for some reason or another, that's their business.

and while i'm on the topic of that and neurodivergent affirming takes I did just want to say: open your mind to different ways of expressing different kind of affection, platonic, romantic, sexual, and know all of these can come incompletely and have blurry boundaries and there are a million reasons if there was potential for a relationship (whether or not in any case there is/was is none of our business) someone might not choose to pursue it, which are also none of our business. and each of these kinds of love might look different with everyone's brain too: if there are labels for why they're not our business unless we're told, and yes, sometimes it will look like one thing to us but not to everyone because everyone is different and experiences these things differently. like of course you can ship them! but you can do so while maintaining an open mind to what they're actually experiencing and learning from and discovering how they explain it in their own words not trying to gaslight them on the internet or worse to actually sabotage any relationships that don't suit your agenda. just stick to your fanfics and put them on registered users only (and also don't tell a celeb to read fanfics about them or another member of their item. there is so much sensitive stuff at play here).

all this stuff isn't 'oh you're not a proper fan if you don't do this perfectly'. it's about reducing harm to us as fans and to our beloved artists and their loved ones and just keeping trying to grow and be better people in this vein every day. admitting we're struggling and we fucked up sometimes and actually making an effort to do better and to fix things. I think all of this is one of the most authentic things we can do as a fandom: never give up on that. be motivated to do what these artists are doing you know? it's dynamic, it's fun, we've all been through some shit together and we're all coming out of it and we're going to be kind.

[1d1195]

Something I've noticed about a lot of fics that makes me sad is often times the beginning of the story will have more parts that include other characters, y/n's & H's friends, mates, coworkers, etc. (like more conversations and scenes, if that's the right word??, will include other characters) and then after y/n and H like, progress in their relationship, get together, etc., those characters eventually fade out. But you don't really do that in your stories. Like in protection & traditional, Niall is a constant and that playfulness of having someone around to observe/witness/share the behavior between y/n and H is so delicious to me. I hope that made sense and wasn't rude. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings bc I'm grateful to have fics to read but I just wanted to tell you thank you

Wow wow wow I am absolutely blown away by your compliment. I love me some Niall so so so much (one day I’m gonna make him the main character again I swear). I totally know what you're saying (and maybe I'm biased because I'm not the one that you're referring to), but I'm definitely not offended.

I can’t speak for all other writers of course, but personally I hate picking names, and you may have noticed I don’t use y/n so my stuff becomes overrun with pronouns. I'm aware it is probably really hard to follow a lot of the time so I don’t always have a lot of side characters unless they’re already named (like Niall, Louis, Eleanor, Mitch, and Sarah)

Of course I always used to write a ton about Niall and Louis too. so I naturally have a parasocial relationship with all of 1D and feel like I know them and know their brains and can write about them like we're bffs of course (and obvi we are, right? They'd probs read this and be like "yeah that sounds like me").

Anyway, the fact that you like the usage of them as my side characters and reading from their perspective REALLY means so much to me :( I've been feeling like I need to start introducing more people and naming them (like a random name generator--have you heard of it Sam? for god's sake)

So thank you, truly and kindly for reading and saying something because this made my whole day. Thank you so so much for sending your message and reading and I’m glad you’ve liked Traditional and Protection so far 💕 It's so kind you're thanking me and totally unnecessary because I truly can't give you enough thanks!!!

Xoxo

[ivyblossom]

Creators, Fans, and Shame (mine)

This is not going to be a useful exploration that adds any value to fandom. This is just my personal fannish agony, documented in the hopes that I can leave it behind somehow.

I'm struggling to cope with the fact of a showrunner who actually seems to be pro-fan. I love it, it's amazing, I'm so grateful, it makes me happy, but then it also scares me. Can any showrunner start out pro-fan, and stay pro-fan?

Which, as I say it, sounds ridiculous. Surely people who create media like their fans. But we know the truth of it: creators have hated fans like us forever. We are used to being hated. We are used to be belittled and mocked. There's a part of my psyche that is just pure shielding at this point because I'm so used to it that I've gotten pretty good at blocking stuff out.

You know what stuff: I think I still have a copy of a cease & desist letter from a creator's laywers addressed to a fan for deigning to make fanfiction available on the internet: that's the kind of reaction I'm familiar with and used to. (It wasn't addressed to me, it was to someone I knew, but weren't we all making fanfiction available? Wasn't it sort of directed at all of us?) And all the laughing interviews, the jokes, the dismissal, being framed as stupid, vapid teen girls (why must everyone hate teen girls? I ask you) actors reading fanfiction in front of an audience for gross, humiliating laughs (my heart goes out to the fan writer that happened to: I cannot imagine, I just cannot), the discomfort with our existence, the dismay that we have voices and react to things, the outrage. We get embarrassed by it. We police each other to try and prevent it (I am guilty of this, and I'm sorry).

We have often been fans in spite of creators who behave this way towards us. The communities we build around a shared language and the stories we tell becomes more important to us than the original content. Fanwork is often criticism: a repair job, a rescue, a different, better narrative choice, or character choice. Does this kind of negative creator reaction to fandom make negatively-inspired fanwork more likely? I don't know.

It's tough when you admire creators so much and they turn around and sneer at you and laugh at you. It feels very personal and humiliating. Don't meet your heroes, etc. etc. right? I feel very weird about all this, because these creators that I admire so much, they don't know me, they're not aware of me at all. For good or for ill, it's not about me, really. We become a mass, a collective noun. But still, it is, on some level, also about me. It is personal.

I don't know what to do with any of this. the humiliation of getting scolded by a showrunner you admire, or even the delight of their joy in fandom when it comes, honestly. Parasocial relationships are a trip. I am very embarrassed about them. When I see any of my heroes in real life I am immediately so embarrassed by my own anonymous excitement that I can only pretend that I don't know who they are. My own one-sided admiration overwhelms me. And embarrasses me. That's a me thing.

Fundamentally I'm struggling now because I've believed in creators before and been let down by them. I've believed that they understood us and wouldn't lash out and hurt us in these specific ways. And I've been very wrong.

And you know, I don't even mean the queerbaiting, honestly. I mean being framed by people we deeply admire as silly, gross, dumb idiots who got it all horribly, self-indulgently wrong, you dumbasses. That really hurts in a way that sticks.

I have my own way of dealing with the queerbaiting thing, but maybe that's also just my shielding. Maybe I've created a way to process it to make it okay because of how common it's been through my whole life, and how much I want to be able to love certain swaths of media, I don't know.

But I don't need a story to do certain things in order to love it, or for it to be queer enough for me, or whatever. My struggle is with how creators talk about fans rationally reading stories as queer. David Jenkins called it gaslighting, and I think he's 100% correct. To dismiss and deny that the reading is there and reasonable at all is hurtful in a way that I find hard to describe. Gaslighting is the right word for it, because it's an abuse tactic. And that's how it feels.

And now I'm going to get into this: I want to talk about Sherlock. (Oh god, really? Yes. Yes, I'm going to talk about it, hopefully just this once, and then let it go.)

When I first saw Sherlock S1 when it aired, I thought it was wonderfully slashy in a self-aware way, and given that it's kind of a prequel, "how Sherlock Holmes becomes Sherlock Holmes," and how they were already framing the relationship, I figured that the story would give in to the romance on some level, though I figured it probably wouldn't be in an on-the-nose way. I imagined it would be romantically ambiguous to the end, and to be honest, after 4 series, I will still argue that that's exactly what it ended up being.

I remain perfectly confident in the argument that Sherlock is very much a story about two men who fall desperately in love with each other, but have so much personal baggage that they can't do anything with the truth of that love other than wrestle with it, know that it's true and real, and have to find a way to live with the sheer impossibility of it.

Conceptually, I like that story, even if it's queerbaity. I think it's immensely tragic and beautiful, monstrous and beautiful, and while it would suck for every story to be like that, I loved a story that would play with love in that way. I loved writing fanfiction that explored and pushed through that tension. The fact of the romantic impossibility was a sort of invitation to write ways that it could happen. Is that strange? Maybe that's just a coping mechanism I've developed. Anyway. I was okay with the story. It's sort of queering the backstory of these two men in Arthur Conan Doyle's stories, giving them this fraught romantic history.

There's a whole mess in there about fandom conspiracies and whatnot. I really never understood any of that and I was truly shocked by what happened in fandom when series 4 aired. I'm embarrassed that I didn't see it coming when the signs were there, and that I didn't understand it that fannish shipping had tipped over into something else that I still can't completely wrap my head around, so I won't pretend to have a useful opinion about any of that.

What hurt me the most wasn't the way the narrative about the relationship resolved. It was the way the creators talked about it the queer reading of the story, and about us, after series 4 aired. As if we were gross and silly and wrong. And ridiculous. And offensive. And they were angry with us.

I realize creators see fandom from a very different vantage point than I do, and I'm sure there's more going on than I can possibly be aware of, real life stuff, scary stuff fans may have been up to, but the dramatic reaction from the Sherlock creators dismissing all the very legible and originally self-aware romantic elements of their own story shocked the hell out of me, and made me feel...well, stupid and ashamed, honestly. Because I didn't see any of that coming on any level. I thought they understood us.

I didn't, and still don't, see anything wrong with wanting an implied queer romance to go from subtext to text. I didn't see anything wrong with arguing that it could, or even that it should. What would actually happen in the story was a whole other matter, but the fannish conversations about the potential of the narrative were fair and legit, as far as I'm concerned. I never expected to be told that I was imagining it the whole time. I trusted that Steven Moffat in particular wouldn't do that. And I'm embarrassed that I believed that he wouldn't. I'm hugely disappointed that he did.

And I'm embarrassed that I'm embarrassed, because of the parasociality of it all! Steven Moffat doesn't know me. It's not about me. But, at the same time, it is. I'm part of that collective noun. And I wasn't wrong about that story.

And now I think David Jenkins would not do that to us, and I truly believe he wouldn't, because he's already confirmed it in the text and in conversations about the text. We're free. I think he actually understands. He seems to understand it better than I do. I like the way he frames it. He's given me a way to think about all this that's actually very useful, and healing. And because this story isn't gaslighting us, there shouldn't be a whole dialogue about fans getting it wrong and stupid, sex-obsessed girls. Right?

Right?

I need a hug.