#i know i shouldnt but thats just how my brain is sometimes :'L

[sinfulforrest]

sorry for bein radio silent for a lil bit! getting ill at the start of the month took a lot outta me and now animal crossing and the pokemon remakes have got me in a firm chokehold cause they're very fun xD

b u t I'm beginning to get my doodle groove back! so here's a sleepy 3am wip of a lil law gif I'm in the middle of making cause I like him juuust a little >:3

[skiittles]

bullshit

i am really thankful for this site. i know there are other places i could spill my shit but here we are. i feel like i’m not going to get back into writing my feelings so why not blog into a void i’ve gone thru alot in the passed few years between an abusive relationship, sexual assault, and pediatric cancer. fuck. who would’ve thought THAT would happen to my family?? you never think it’s gonna be you. not me sounding like a young adult novel...but its true. the movies lowkey do a good job at describing how it feels to get news about cancer. it’s devastating. it makes your ears ring and your vision go blurry. especially when it’s a child, like who deserves that?? i was 18 when my 12 yr old sister was diagnosed with medulloma blastoma...i dont care if the spelling is right but thats how it sounds. it has no relation to genetic cancer, roughly 8 kids in every state get it and it almost ruined my family. sometimes i hate talking about it but most of the time it feels good. it is constantly on my chest so when i talk about it, it’s like a mini vacation because someone else gets to feel a glimpse of the pain i felt when we were told. it’s not about attention, it’s not about the spotlight on me. its please someone else feel this pain while i’m talking up a storm so i can stop feeling it for a split second. thats selfish but sometimes, most times, i don’t care. heart shattering isn’t even close to what i felt the first time i saw her after everything happened.   and let me be clear, i didn’t have the best relationship with my sister prior to...we were really far apart in age and i found both my younger sisters annoying. so when she ended up almost dying in the hospital i realized how detached i was from her life..and it shouldnt have taken that much for me to realize it and i will feel guilty about that for a long time. i wish it would stop, honestly. thankfully, we have a great relationship now and i miss her all the time.  the hospital was horrible. she had brain surgery because one of her tumors, the biggest one, caused her to stop responding and that’s the only reason anyone believed she had cancer. every doctor before then said she just had horrible vertigo and that it would never go away. wrong dickfuck it was 6 fucking brain tumors. i mean why did you even go to school you fucking idiot. k i l l  y o u r s e l f. i watched my mom deteriorate in real time and i have to say that is not something i wish on anyone. if there’s anything worse than watching your baby sister have a fucking brain tumor (or 6) it’s watching your mother fall apart because there’s nothing she can do.  i found out thru facebook that she had cancer. i rushed to the hospital expecting another answer, as if that were true. mom told me she didn’t even deserve the 12 years she got with her. i probably will never forget the look in her eyes when she said that. she meant it. i told her she was being too hard on herself. it breaks my heart she would even say that. i know most kids say they have the best mom, but i have never seen a mother love her own kids like my mom. it’s fierce and unapologetic. it’s like lightning. she’s the strongest woman i know, and i’m grateful Jesus gave me to her. my sister is alive btw. she’s my age now when i found out, and she’s beautiful. the cancer took her hair forever but she doesn’t even need it, and she has plenty of wigs. i’m so proud of her. i tear up sometimes when i see her because she has been through so much that she didn’t deserve. harsh realities and so much nausea. hair loss, hearing loss, sense of smell loss, cataracts in her eyes, weight loss, chemo...being ripped from everything she knew at 12...i can’t imagine. and she still loves Jesus. she’s so much stronger than me. the wisdom she already has is inspiring. and she’s so kind, the kind that would make shitty people mad and i love it about her, she shines. i want the world for my sisters my youngest sister is a completely different kind of strong. she overcame having to possibly bury her sister at the ripe old age of 10. she went thru and watched her sister wither away from chemo and cancer and endured being neglected unintentionally bc bailey needed so much attention...she was also ripped away from everything she knew at an even younger age.  she was too young to go in the hospital room bailey almost died in so my mom literally recorded a video of her on her phone of jamie saying goodbye to bailey and how much she loves her and that she will miss her. i....have never forgotten that. she was crying in the video. she was so little. she didnt deserve that. shes 16 now and she is a girl on fire. so incredibly kind and sweet but if you cross her she will absolutely call you out. i admire both of these girls, i love them

i dont have time for therapy so this is what ive decided will be my therapy!

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 26-30

been awhile since i’ve watched but.... another day, another emotional rollercoaster 

episode 26: her reason

who’s her and what’s her reason

bother him ALLLLL you want maria ross...bother him all day long

he deserves it

INVOICE HAHAHAHAHA

dont yell at maria fuck off!!!! 

GIRLY WHAT IS IZUMI DOING!!!!!!!! 

i screamed i did

i love sig and izumi sm!!!!!!

omg ed and al’s faces

PANINYAAAAAAA

why does she have an automail arm whAT

i feel almost insulted for paninya’s dope weapon legs

oh wait ive seen this arm wrestling scene before lmao

go paninya goooo

i do not tolerate this mr dominic slander

OH NO DO NOT INSULT QUEEN WINRY��S WORK

sucks to suck!!!!

i do think winry may have just fallen in love

ed is such a simp though

JUMBO????? his name iS JUMBO??????

al’s mousy little what?

yikes yeah you know what winry id be pissed too

she felt so good about her work!!!

crush over

jk theyre soulmates

wow roy ur so smart

damn oh ok they kept paninya’s legs too

so she only has 1 biological limb wow

paninya is definitely a lesbian 

we’ve all known that though i mean-----the camo pants

i saw paninya wearing army pants and flip flops, so i bought army pants and flip flops

oh my god winry you DEVIOUS BASTARD

i can see why people ship paninya and winry but im sorry im an edwin simp

young pinako is hot i get it dominic

OH MY GOD DEVIOUS

WINRY LMAO

GUN LEGS!

kill him?? pANINYA think about that before you shoot someone!!! 

AWWWWWW ED!!!! “best automail in the world!!!!” IM CRYING

“hello sir” alphonse you sweet boy

sheska u good???

OPE HEY CURTISES

ed why are you sad

omg winry dont cry!!!! 

hahahaha sig

THE BOYS’ FACES LMAO

episode 27: teacher

izumi time lets gooooooooooooo

the ominous music lolololol

THE WINDOW

WHERE IS ALPHONSE

HA

RIGHT THERE

ED’S FUCKING FACE HAHAHAHA

grumman!!!!!

STEW TONIGHT FUCK YEAH

xerxes drop

edward you are being so foreboding

izumi queen of my life lets go girl!!!

umbrella king sig curtis!!!

ed you dumbass!!!!!

angry face boys

mom dad and the kids on the train!!!! makes me cry

awww win’s gonna miss the dudes

omg havoc plzzzz

why is he calling riza like she doesnt already know shes going too

do not leave my boy falman behind!!!

oh good ok

mason my dude!!!

“yes maam”

this is UNCOMFORTABLE

guys i simp for sig tbh

omg al scary boy

uh oh she SAWWWWWWW you!!!

aww i forgot about the dead cat goddamnit

not THE KITTY

ok but those baby kittens need some MELK

its all over for you two watch out

cant hide JACK SHIT from mama bear

yikes

she gonna kick your ass oof

hugs oh thats nice

episode 28: all is one, one is all

island timeeee

wait theyre on island time PART 2???? ok

the way sig’s HAND---- anyway

ok so creepy naked child??

im suspicious

clearly the boys didnt read my hero academia 

or the three musketeers

al really got YEETED

yote?

oh the kid has clothes on. leaf clothes

i know dublith is in the “south” but is it really a tropical locale?

aww the bunny

“kill it”

owie hope you dont get rabies edward

the ost man so good for both series

al really said J’ACCUSE

they didnt know the masked man was mason the first time around? aight

im really having trouble typing and eating dumplings at the same time

might pause for a dumpling break

i made these in the microwave theyre pretty good

def not the best ive had but they were, ya know, microwaved

anyways sad al hours

YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR BROTHER????

it’s the circle of life simba

getting REAL philosophical rn

“dont call me small”

now we’re getting REAL scientific

im just imagining these idiots on shrooms rn

mannnnnnnnnnnn

WAIT IMAGINE LING YAO ON SHROOMS

wow what a yummy snake breakfast

izumi said 👁 👄 👁

izumi is so hot

that is the creepiest motherfucker i ever did see

ok im gonna go rinse this dish out be back in a min!!!

episode 29: the untainted child

i am the tainted adult

you SURE his parents are lookin?

i feel like izumi is being very loving towards this child

what happened to tough love bbygirl

im not saying shes not loving in her ways but shouldnt she by nature be a litttttleeee bit more sus of this kid???

dont tell me

this is sig and izumi’s “child”

theory pending

winry is such a protective lil egg

here’s whats cookin in my head

its sig and izumi’s child and ed’s arm and leg smooshed together into a homunculus...theory still pending but im definitely right

WHY DOES SIG SLEEP W HIS EYES OPEN SIR!!!!!!!

whole situation is a mess my dudes

what did u do kid????? 

“i know ed lies sometimes”

l oh fucking l

who transmutes themselves with a bed though

not the move kid

OPE

of course winry slept through this whole thing

sheska and elicia and gracia. my heart.

did the colonel just LEAVE HER BEHIND? god what a dick

sheska WENT OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!

yes maam!!!!!!!

u tell that dumbass!!!!!!

why does envy have to sit like that

gon make me SIMP

embarrassing

*debby ryan hair tuck meme*

i love the way al sits

hes so dainty

what a gent

oh that lil kid was in the gate!!!!

how a homunculus is born? please tell me more

ARCHER....my sister was texting me about him when she asked how far i was. i googled him i saw his....bod....

yup

ARM AND LEG CONFIRMED

my brain waves are unparalleled

ED REALLY JUST YEETED WINRY AND KABEDONED THE HOMUNCULUS

EDWARD STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP OMG

off goes the kid

BIDOOOOOOOOOOO <3

why is she upset??? what did you realize izumi

that its your baby??? probs

im just that smart

episode 30: assault on south headquarters

YOKI LMAO

seeing yoki and scar makes me miss mei chang

MEI CHANG SUPREMACY

yoki really about to snitch

BIDOOOOOO

everyone showing up this episode

greed is gonna roll up with a venti frappuccino any minute now

archer is a creep

is this footage from the arnold classic?

“the muscles did the talking for them”

archer is a creep

who ru calling a freak HAHA AL’s angwy voice

ope

how IS hughes doing

pls not the pain

how did this kid come into the corporeal world

armstrong what

OUROBOROS

so he’s either wrath or pride ig

i dont think bradley is a homunculus in this one

yoki is basically michael yagoobian aka the bowler hat guy

there’s greed lmao 

with the ladies

EW NO PLEASE GOD

I DONT WANT ANY MORE SHOU TUCKER

KIMBLEE WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK WHO CUT HIS HAIR LIKE THAT

WHO ALLOWED THAT I AM CHOKING

NOT THE MULLET PONYTAIL

izumi taking on the military

of course

kimblee JESUS 

bradley is EVERYWHERE at ALL TIMES

this is rOUGH

there are so many parties vying for the kid

i still cant get over kimblee like WHAT

WHAT IS HIS PURPOSE HERE

AGAIN it just seems like bradley is everywhere at all times

[one-night-story]

Echoes of You (Spike Spiegel)

A/N: The formatting on this is h e l l. But when nostalgia slaps you and says “Fall in love with Spike Spiegel again.” You do as it’s says. Thus this

Roman Holiday had changed who she was so many times she didn’t remember who she was when she started. She’d been a drug lord, a spy, an informant, a bounty, a runaway. But these days, with blue and purple hair and a coat large enough to hide a pistol, she settled on being a ghost among the streets, listening and picking up information as she went. She found herself on Mars, mourning friends and paying dues. She was going to have to disappear again soon. But first, she needed food, scissors, and some hair dye; though she was uncertain what color. She tried walking into a convenience store when she ran into someone.

“Sorry about that.” The guy said. From that one comment Roman almost got whiplash. That voice shouldn’t be talking to her. That voice should’ve been dead. If not from the first time, then definitely the second time. She looked up at him and sure enough it was him. Spike Spiegel in all his blue suited, disheveled glory. And he looked just as shocked to see her. “Ro-?” He didn’t get to finish her name because she took off, sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as she could. He of course went after her, he always would, and she scaled a building to get to the roof. She pulled her pistol and waited for him to catch up.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“Ro don’t do this.”

“Tell me! Stop playing cruel tricks and just tell me!” She yelled. It couldn’t be him, it shouldn’t be him.

“Roman, it’s really me.”

“Bullshit, you died.”

“I didn’t,”

“Then you died again.”

“I’ve had worse.” He said with his trademark lazy smile. Roman almost let up at that. He still knew her weak points.

“Gimme the word.” She said, lowering her gun but not putting it away. He furrowed his brows and then figured it out.

“Lily.” He said. Roman lowered her pistol entirely and put it away. Her flower of choice. Julia had roses, she had lilies. Her whole form softened, though she was far from the Roman he used to know. Spike took a step forward to see if she’d let him and sure enough, she didn’t move. “It’s good to see you Roman. Glad to know you’re still picking up information.” He said. Roman shrugged and sat down, still keeping her distance.

“Nothing better to do on this dirt rock. You know you threw the whole operation into chaos, right? There’s a power vacuum with at least seven people trying to fill it.” She said. Spike sat across from her, a little closer than she would’ve liked, but she allowed it. She chalked it up to some primal part of her brain still wanting to keep him as close as she could. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and stuck it in his mouth.

“What’s next for you then? Figure you’re not gonna stick around for that mess to sort itself out.” He said as he fished out a lighter and lit the cigarette. He took a drag and offered it to Roman. She took it and copied the movement. She never smoked unless she was with Spike. Again, she chalked it up to that primal part of her brain that was still 13 years old and hoped that she still stood a chance against a far prettier half-sister.

“I cut my hair, redye it and catch a flight out of here. I’m thinking Ganymede. Or the asteroids. Hell, I could go be a small fry in Tijuana.” She said.

“And what color will it be this time?” He asked. Roman’s mood was usually determined by her hair. She changed it with regimes, mood, the music she was listening to that month, and sometimes when she felt she had no control of anything. He watched as she thought over her answer.

“Red. Probably. Or pink. Julia always thought I’d look good with pink.” She said muttering the last part.

“You would.” He said. Roman tried to not flush to the color in question, but she never did take compliments well. “I remember she was constantly trying to push you out of the shadows.”

“I like the shadows. No one judges me there. I’m useful there.” Roman argued. Spike chuckled and took a drag from his cigarette. The motion was repeated when he passed it to her to take a drag.

“Maybe, but you have no reason to stay there. Unless you wanna start working for the police.” He said.

“I could be a bounty hunter.” She said with a shrug.

“Oh no, I don’t think I could have you competing for my dinner money too.” He said with his trademark smile. Roman laughed at his comment, a real laugh. Something she hadn’t done in a while. As she laughed, Spike watched her. Her face was lit up by the beginnings of sunset and neon. Her and Julia had no personality similarities, but sometimes they did have physical ones.

“I haven’t done that in forever.” She said when she finally calmed down. Spike smiled at her. She seemed lighter now, more at ease. It was like the laughter fit had locked her into a time machine and she had shed so many years of cynicism with ease. “What about you? What becomes of the great Spike Spiegel? Now newly undeceased again.” She asked. Spike thought it over. He wasn’t certain. He didn’t know if he could go back to the Bebop. But he didn’t know any other way of life. Maybe just him and Jet could strike out again. Maybe he needed to go forward. Maybe he needed to disappear.

“No idea. Maybe dye my hair and change planets.” He said. Roman rolled her eyes.

“Hey, don’t steal my one thing.” She said. Spike chuckled and actually gave her a genuine smile. They were silent for a minute, casually passing the cigarette between themselves. For a moment they felt like teenagers again, sharing cigarettes and sharing a moment of uncertainty. At least that’s how Roman always felt in moments like these. Until finally she broke the tension.

“Annie told me you came to see her.” She said as she looked down.

“Yeah. Thought I might finally kill him.”

“Ignored my bounty then.”

“Always did. Whenever it came up, no matter what the price, no matter what name you were under. I wouldn’t do that to you Roman.” He said. It felt like a whisper on the wind. Like if he said it any louder, he’d lose her like he lost Julia. Roman leaned into this, allowing one of her knees to knock into his. She needed this. She needed him. Outside of just that primal part that told her she was once 13 and crushing on the one person in the whole galaxy she couldn’t have.

“I look at you and I think… god what have we done with our lives? And what did it get us?” She said with what Spike could only describe as the truest form of sadness he’s ever seen from her. Roman Holiday kept all her cards close to her chest until one day, she’d die. But now? He felt like he was peering through a brick in her wall. “I loved my sister more than anything in this life. And I chose her happiness over mine, time and time again.” She scoffed and leaned back on her hands. “God I can’t believe I’m saying this.”

“What?” He asked. He wasn’t sure what was coming next, but curiosity killed him to know.

“A million years ago, she said to me “this one’s mine.” So, I stood by.” She said. “And I knew I shouldn’t do anything, I should just leave and pretend I never met you. But Julia,”

“She was too kind for that.” He said as his brain was slowly putting the pieces together. He had always wondered when they were kids, even before Roman became a shadow figure, why she always seemed to fall into that point, even when Julia brought her out, or when he tried to talk to her. But now he got it. She’d been hiding pain this whole time.

“I should go.” She said. She stood up and dusted herself off. Spike stood up as well and grabbed her wrist before she could go anywhere.

“Don’t disappear again.” He said. Roman looked down at her beat up shoes, trying to hide what had just come to pass.

“You can’t ask that of me.” She said.

“Ro, you’re all I’ve got left.”

“And who’s fault is that?” She snapped. Spike wanted to get offended. But he remembered an incident when they were younger, where he’d gotten too close and she’d snapped, and he retaliated. They didn’t speak for a month. Not until Julia forced them to, and not until after he’d brought her lilies. He sighed and plucked the nearly burnt out cigarette from his teeth and passed it to her. She took a drag and then stomped it out. She was still looking down at it when Spike brought her face to look up at him. Roman unintentionally leaned her cheek into his hand, blinking at him a couple of times.

“I won’t let this be the last time I see you Roman.” He said. Spike, at his core, was a deeply sentimental person. He couldn’t lose Roman. She reached up and brought his face to hers, giving him a small, soft and what Spike could only describe as a ghost of a kiss. Like she was afraid of what fully kissing him would mean. He kissed her cheek in turn, letting it sit there a little longer than either of them expected. When they separated, they put the distance back between them. Once again, afraid of what the closeness would do to them. She tossed him a comm unit she had pocketed off some guy and he caught it with ease.

“Call that ship of yours.”

“Wouldn’t that be going backward?” He asked.

“One step backward to go miles forward? I think it’s worth it. Call them Spiegel.” She said. Spike nodded.

“Remember, pink.” He said. Roman gave him a small, soft smile and nodded.

“See you Space Cowboy.” She said as she ran off the edge of the roof, scaling down the building to go buy some scissors, some food, and some pink hair dye.

[feraldavestrider]

i never check my mentions apparently @alpacalmond and @uiyutrentasei tagged me in a GTKM thing so im gonna do it oh uhhhh 2 weeks later LOL because i cant sleep and i hate myself

i tag @hal-strider if they didnt do it? and @noctiilucent, @kiyumiarashi, @whimsicmimic and @ataliaf uwu and anyone else who wants to do it!!

how tall are you: this is a cryptid question. i get a different result every time i try to measure myself and ive never asked anyone else to do it for me. some people tell me im very short, others have told me im average height for someone who is afab. im gonna hazard a guess at 5′5 tho.

what colour are your eyes: very dark brown

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses. i literally CANNOT see without them. i mean like 2 inches from my glasses-less face is so blurry its unbelievable. i get super triggered by eye stuff tho so contacts are a no go ALSO i look weird w/o glasses anyway.

do you wear braces: no my teeth r p good actually. one is a bit wonky but thats life

what is your fashion style: i mean 90% panties and a sweaty 4 day tshirt because i just spend all day in my room like a goblin. BUT when i actually go out im ur basic ass post-emo trans dude with skinny jeans, converse and a too-big graphic tee. sometimes i spice it up with a plaid shirt because im fuckin GAY.

when were you born: october 12th 1999, babey

how old are you: 18 motherfucker flashes my titties and gulps a bottle of vodka im an ADULT

do you have any siblings: yes. a younger brother and hes a cunt

what school/college do you go to: im at sixth form rn (last yr of highschool technically if ur american but im not and hs finishes at 16 yrs old here deal with it). im going uni next yr tho and this years almost over for me academically since we go on study leave soon for our final exams. uwu overshares

what kind of student are you: the asshole who never studies for tests and does homework at 5am the morning before and still manages to pull straight As to everyones anger. im also the adhd class clown who makes random noises and cant concentrate half the time. ik i hate myself too im so annoying irl even more so than online.

what are your favorite subjects: in terms of actual content of the subject, english lit fs. in terms of classmates/teachers/general atmosphere DEFFO drama we spend half of our time eating cake, singing random shit and just losing our minds while filming it on snapchat which shouldnt at all be allowed.

what are your favorite movies: god idek. um. fuck. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i cant think of a single movie. ok ok ok i got it: white chicks, premium rush, scott pilgrim vs the world, the cornetto triology too i just love edgar hes such a great director. i like a lot of the marvel movies esp the spiderman hc and thor ragnorok and both gotg were p good. i love a lot of movies my brains just a void that sucks memories up into its fat gob and steals them from me forever.

what are your pastimes: sleeping, crying, used to be rping but i gave up on that, playing overwatch way too much and getting tilted because im shit, reading fanfictions did i say sleeping

do you have many regrets: dude. my guy. come in close. let me whisper in ur ear. are you close? no, closer. ok. 

YES

what is your dream job: whoo boy. im do indecisive and i think a LOT of jobs seem super cool that id never do i.e. be an actor or be in a band. my dream job since i was like 8 was to be a writer which is unlikely since i cant even finish a pwp oneshot. but thatd be cool. id also like to write plays and direct them but thats also wild and v dream > reality. 

would you like to get married: honestly. marriage as an institution? angers me. i dont like a lot of things about it. BUT. part of the reason i hate it is honestly if ur in a long long term relationship with someone ur better off married than not in terms of the benefits so. id happily get married if the other person wanted and/or we felt like it was the right thing to do, i just dont really care about being married or having a wedding tbh.

do you want kids? how many if so: no. hard pass. i might adopt if im long-term with someone who SUPER wants kids but that likely wont happen because i dont want to get into a long-term relationship with someone so desperate for kids since i dont have that same enthusiasm. sorry. ill be ur uncle gabe but im not having my own children im just not well equipped to literally have a full time job of making sure little idiots (meant affectionately) who dont know fuck from shit dont just straight up die. i can barely do that for myself.

how many countries have you visited: shit dude actually ive only visited like... uh... 4??? a lot of my holidays tend to be to the same countries (portugal/america) so i dont have that much experience like i feel like i do.

what was your scariest dream: hmmmm. when i was a kid i had these recurring dreams where i worked at this like. “zoo” where these MASSIVE, i mean ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE string rays that were also pancakes were like. hooked up to make electricity? anyway i hated the job because we all abused the rays super bad to make them generate the power and it sucked and it was all dystopian. there was stuff where like we had to kill the baby rays and stuff. anyway one day it went all planet of the apes and they broke out somehow and could fly and they killed loads of people and i had to go into hiding because they were super clever and could id who had worked at the zoo plant and wanted revenge. its super weird ik but this is pretty tame for my dreams they go HARD and BIZARRE and this one always made me wake up feeling super sick and scared idk. ur welcome.

do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other: no im lonely but its ok because i need to work on me 

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs: ok so i dont really have a “playlist” per se so im just gonna use my top 100 2017 songs on spotify which ignores a lot of my non-spotify non-2017 bangers but whatever.

1) ‘My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark’ by FOB

2) ‘Tuxford Fall’ - Vasudeva

3) ‘Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued’ - FOB

4) ‘Fried Noodles: Getter Remix’ - Pink Guy, Getter (listen ive never watched any filthy frank he weirds me out but this is a banger)

5) ‘Brick By Boring Brick’ - Paramore

6) ‘Thnks Fr Th Mmrs’ - FOB (i really dont listen to this much fob this is crazy)

7) ‘Death Note L’s Theme Goes Metal’ - Charlie Parra del Riego (theres no defence for this)

8) ‘Turnstile’ - Vasudeva

9) ‘Idle Worship’ - Paramore

10) ‘Monster’ - Paramore

11) ‘Miss Missing You’ - FOB

12) ‘The City’ - Madeon

13) ‘Far Too Young To Die’ - P!ATD

14) ‘Don’t Stop’ - Nothing More (really this is the band i listen to much smh these results are so skewed)

15) ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ - The Killers

[90sgrungelouis]

hellooooo i was tagged by @f-l-i-c-k-e-r, @celebratinglouis, @iconichalo, @lovelylarrie, @ravioli-cats and @tommostummie to do the selfie thingie so here it is!! 

i feel like the years have been progressively speeding up and flying past me as i get older. Maybe its because im more aware of my life unfolding in front of me,  maybe its the era of my life that im in, where im constantly being pulled in a MILLION DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS and im doing SO MANY THINGS but also feeling like im not doing enough? like, picture that episode of spongebob where he forgets everything but beef wellington and his brain is on fire, little tiny brain spongebobs are crying and screaming and shredding probably important documents they need to keep. thats me. 2017 has had its ups and downs, its lefts and rights, things that could have and things that probably wouldnt’ve anyway. 2017 was a wild bitch, but she made herself known and i respect that. 

starting from the top left and going in a zig-zaggy motion downwards (you know what i mean):

1. i dont really remember when this was taken but my hair looks BANGIN and judging by the cold temperature i assumed it was the winter, which sounded like a good place for me to start

2. winter break me and my brother escaped to disney florida for a week and witnessed many wonders, including how many tie dyed cheesecakes you can take without anyone noticing, regretting not wearing good standing shoes for those long lines, hearing the same song and parade start back up again literally every 15 minutes, and sitting through enough biographical-themed rides to become experts on disney’s history. frankly disappointed i didnt get to see any ghosts haunting the rides tho

3. my friends and i went to philly to celebrate my birthday!!! it was a nice weekend

4. got my first tattoo!!! or, ta’oo as louis would say 

5. ayeeee my first pride i went to!!! i wore a magnificent rainbow cape and tied little bottles of glitter to the top of it so i would sprinkle glitter everywhere i walked. my plan was foiled by faulty bottle shakers tho, so i just had to twist the cap and let it flow out in magnificent streams, then make a huge bolt down the street and look like a glittery gay superhero. some dude laid down on the street in the biggest pile of glitter, people were everywhere asking for more and i found it in the most random places for daysss afterward but boy, was it worth it. got bigger and better plans for next year ;) 

6. ah the summer shenanigans of our youth. me and my friends like to go to this abandoned factory in the reservation near our houses and stare up through the remains of the burnt up roof. i think there was a fire sometime before. abandoned buildings get me JaZzED

7. the farm internship i was at the whole summer!!! the bosses were satans but i got hella jacked and tan, and i was always surrounded by flowers and nature so i would call that a win-win

8. you cant see it but p!atd was right after they were on, and i didnt take any pictures or videos cuz i was dumbstruck at how beautiful brendon urie was, ok?? give a girl a break. anyway i cried multiple times and it was the best fucking night of my life, i wish i could relive it

9. my harry show. god, i dont even know what words to describe it it was just. he was there in the flesh and singing and dancing and kiwi-posing and running back and forth like he was training for a damn marathon. it didnt feel real to me, not when i was walking in, not when i was screaming “ITS NEW YORK BABY ALWAYS JACKED UP” as hard as i could until i lost my voice, not when i had tears going down my face during sott, not even when i was sore for literally DAYS afterward because i was jumping up and down and waving my flag so hard throughout the whole concert. it still feels like a dream. 

10. i really dont have another deep story for this one and i probably shouldnt have ended it like this but, theres my face. i look like a unicorn. sick. 

Goodbye 2017, you were a lot, but you were also chill i guess. Lets hope 2018 brings good things too 

im gonna tag @please-dont-freak-out, @nicolouis-flamelinson, @foolishrainbow, @zladdins, @blougreen, and @sleigharry

[silenced92]

Hey i’m just going to vent under the cut.. just need to get things out.

So I have dysthemia, social anxiety and adhd, all diagnosed by my gp, then  a psychiatrist, And i have been treating all 3 for over a year now.. And while in general things have been improving, these past 3months have been a real shit show. 

This whole year has been a test for me, with moving out of home, family dramas, my family moving out of our old house (after being there for 25years) so i lost the place that i retreat back to if things ever get too bad or if i get homesick. (while they live nearby still, its not the same. i’ve been growing more distant from them ever since) having to deal with chronic pain from carpal tunnel - had one operated on, booked into get the next one. It feels like as soon as i get through one thing, the next jumps out at me.  MEDS i got them reviewed recently. Im on ecitalopram 30mg, thyroxine 50mg, endep 50mg, dexamphetamine 10mg and then i have either panadine forte or  ibuprofen + codiene for the pain as well  (which has become a nightly thing to get me to sleep)  My psych said everything looks fine, if anything they should be working extra well. and kept me on everything. And at the time it was all looking up. That was a good week, i had the first lot of surgery, and i hadnt been back to work yet so my other hand hadnt flaired up. Now 2months later i’ve fallen back into terrible habits and a circle of self loathing. 

Bad Habits..  We all have them. Some are worse then others. More harmful.  sleep - it only happens when i dont want it to. i try and stay awake on the couch to watch something? try and get through a eps of a new show or a movie? Give me 20mins or less, and im out cold. Send me to bed? I lay awake staring at the walls, my fishtank, phone. anything. my brain starts running like crazy, replaying all the bad thoughts over and over, l end up tossing and turning for atleast a hour before eventually falling asleep. This is one of the reasons i’ve been taking painkillers at night. to help myself fall asleep. Whether its because i’ve been plagued with uncontrollable pain, or because my brain wont shut off, they seem to be something which i turn to. Along with taking the endep to assist with sleeping better. The only issue is when i wake up the morning after taking panadine forte, its like im hung over; sluggish and tired. Like i could sleep forever. just not in my bed. on the couch. 

Food - I have an issue with emotional/boredom eating. which is only made worse with a chocolate addiction. And i know this is an addiction because when i dont get a fix i turn into a stressed out bitch. I eat because its become routine, even if im not hungry, i’ll make sure i have lunch (never breakfast though due to morning anxiety and nausea) then i will snack on all the sweet things. go to work. have like a banana and a muesli bar.. only to come home at around 10 and cook dinner. normally end up eating it by midnightish. Which i know is one of the worst things to do. And i hate myself for it. It never used to be this bad. but then i moved out of home. my room mate hates cooking and waits till i get home for dinner.. so its like a full meal. not just a pasta snack or something.. Even now as i type this im snacking on lollies, while dinner is cooking. Which i know i shouldnt do, i’ve gained so much weight since i moved out like 20kgs. just from stress eating, to much icecream, slushies, and bigger portions. i hate myself for it. the amount of self loathing i have over my body grows everytime i see it in the mirror, catch my reflection, have an old lady ask whens it due, or just when i feel my tummy, its so heavy and i hate it. Selfharm - the whole hating my body leads into this next part. I have always done small things to harm myself. things like running the water to hot (coming up bright red afterwards, sometimes it stays for hours) Scratching and picking at my skin/scabs often until i bleed. And all with the goal of it makes me feel better when my skin is clean and without any lumps.  At the start of last year i made the terrible mistake of adventuring into the world of cutting. What started as the small thought of “oh i wonder how sharp this blade is?” ended with me having cut my thigh over 50 times over the course of 2 nights. after that i settled and stopped. The ache of the cuts every time i took a step reminded me of what i did, that i’m a worthless piece of shit, it was a pain and a punishment that i controlled.  After that i didnt cut often. it freaked my now roommate out too much, he became concerned because he knows the damage it can cause (previous history of selfharm and suicide attempt) And he worked out when i was getting to a point where i was ready to self harm again and would stop me. or if i had already done it he would just hug me, not judging. And the urge would normally disappear. Unfortunately earlier this week it didn’t. and i had begun lying to my roommate when he asked if i was okay. it wasnt his burden to carry. just mine. So i got out my pocket knife and proceeded to carve the words fat and worthless into my other thigh.. it felt amazing to do. like i was punishing myself for becoming what i am. The pain and aches i felt while cutting and afterwards was such a release. To have pain that i can control. That i know will go away. and makes me actually feel something other then just the fuzz which carpal tunnel leaves you with. 

Only issue is now i keep finding myself wanting to cut again, or do more to hurt myself. That with the never ending feeling that i just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. its been making it difficult to get motivated to do anything other then not move under the blankets. 

Coping. Coping methods, or more so not coping very well has so far been dealt with by cuddling the cats when i can. and hoping that lee with give me a hug when i ask (although asking for one can become a terrible spiral of self hate and rejection again if he says no) I love going home to mum and dads still, for the other human and animal contact. theres just something amazing and redeeming about cuddling a doggy. there unending love and warmth just makes you want to never let go.  thats about were my coping ends.. this was more just a vent becayuse i was going to explode.. so many emotions. the pain has started to kick in now. to much typing so i cant really do this easily anymore, i keep hitting the wrong keys and stuff.   Thanks if anyone managed to read this far. i will probably delete this later.. 

[futuremeyouarewelcome]

002 im trying

i shouldnt be forcing myself to do this cause i said i wouldnt write if i didnt want to, but i havent written anything this week and i feel like i should write at least once a week or this would be pointless

i bet 50% of that sentence was grammatically wrong but its past midnight and im writing and listening to game grumps at the same time, didnt know my brain could handle this much

im definitely going to edit this ten times after i post it (i paused the video tho)

SO i had a pretty good week, not a productive week, but a good week my body (mostly my stomach) is w a y better, so my head is way better now

im still struggling to follow my diet i dont hate the diet, d e f i n i t e l y dont hate it cause i think this is the happiest i've felt about my body since i started paying attention to how it looked (puberty) and i've always hated my body, sometimes REALLY hated it to the point i would not go out somewhere cause none of my clothes looked good on me, and i think i was fairly young things like this happened, and this "problem" probably and almost certainly influenced many aspects of my life (yeah THAT, exactly what u thinking about), cause im always thinking "oh im strong, i dont give a fuck about what other think (appearance wise)", but giving a fuck about what others think is basically all i do so... not good. im still think the same, but less about appearance and more about how i talk, i guess, how im behaving towards people, if im being rude or saying something stupid, and i think thats good, im way aware of what im talking right now that i was like 3 years ago (when i was 17, yeah lets not talk about that right now :) ). BUT YEAH, my diet, not feeling it 100% right now, i was thinking maybe taking it slower right now cause of college and doing not exercise at all, and really go back at full capacity when my classes are over, cause my objective with this diet is at least go to the pool with my family and wear a bikini and not want everyone to go blind cause they're seeing my body (healthy, i know) and the ultimate goal is to go to the b e a c h, where theres a million people by the end of the year :) i think i can do it! :D

right now i just want my classes to end so i can go and see my friends and family without having to be constantly thinking about something i have not done for some class or some test i have to study to thats all i want haha i need to make a list about the things i wanna write about doing it now that 'i was 17' is a good one self-esteem (or my lack of uuhuhhhhhhh) do i have depression? my parents (thanks Amanda for this one) social skills motivations things i like about myself (this may be same as the self-esteem dk) positivity  music!!!!!!(+fandoms)

thats it i guess i'll come up with more later in the week hopefully now i have to sleep cause i have to GET SHIT DONE, cause i (i was gonna say "i hate" but, hear me first) dont hate working in groups, i think its really great cause u all working on the same thing to get to the same objective, BUT thats not the case for me right now, i feel like the people in my groups (even if im the only one reading this i dont like to name people when im talking shit about them lol) in my classes are... idk... they just d o n t  d o  the stuff they're supposed to do and im like "????????? u know ur grade depend on this project?!?!?!?!!", and i ended up feeling like im the only one doing all the job, i try thinking like 'oh, thats fine i will do all the work, cause questions about this work are on tests im gonna be the only one who knows how to solve them, so fuck it im doing it all by myself', and this DID legit happen this semester, but this behavior pisses me off so fucking much, like its a GROUP project not a one-person-does-everything-and-the-rest-of-the-group-gets-the-grade project -_- and the WORST part is that i even feel bad if i've done something wrong or not good enough, BUT I SHOULDNT cause thats not my fault cause i did it all by myself!!! they don't revise the finished project to see if theres something wrong. i hate it, i hate it so much also, cause i highly respect my professors (even when they arent good haha), cause i need Validation, and i want them to think im a good student, so i try to get high grades (says the person that did absolutely nothing this week ;) ) so they dont think im going to college just to get a degree and get the fuck out, i want them to think that im interested and want to learn, bUT if keep making "bad projects" how am i to achieve that????? im only one person doing what 5 people should be doing and ofc im naive and idiot and im like "no thats fine :))))))))))))))))))))) theres no problem in my group ::::::)))))))))))" cause i haTE CONFLICT ;-; i just want everybody to like me, that all thats the moral of this all

ok, enoughhhhhh see, thats why i shouldnt write just once a week haha and im just stopping cause its like 1am and my brain is like i cccant...eeennngl...ish....pls...st..o..p

ok brain, rest u gonna go through some shit this week be ready :)

ps: had a great time with Iris this week, i missed her :< didnt have my ice cream tho haha AND also a great time with my family last night, and today actually :D :D pss: im obsessed with game grumps again :-) save me@god but pls dont its great i love them protect them a lot thank u

psss(lol): i was re-reading the last post, i said i wanted to talk about me being by myself A LOT and if im an extrovert or not , so 2 more for the list.