#i know i am missing people snd im SORRY i love you all but this isjust who my brain can think of

[onlyjaeyun]

zadie love!!!! 💗💫 i know u said to not apologize for sending in late asks but i can’t help it im sorry🥲 i’ve been so busy on my girls trip this past weekend, and i got home super late last night so i’ve been exhausted trying to fix my sleep schedule yet again while also unpacking from my recent trips BUT while i was in new york i still made sure i got to read ur updates before bed!! i thought it would be better to send in a longer ask once i got home and had more time to type it out🫶🏻🫶🏻

ONTO THE RECENT CHAPS: i looooveeedd taro & yn’s convo like they really are just two besties with absolutely no filter and i enjoyed that chap sm😭 also taro basically calling out yn saying she can’t finish bc sunghoon isn’t the one fucking her is so real like our girl needs to accept and realize it soon😓 AND HOON BEING SO OPEN ABOUT WANTING TO FUCK HER AGAIN WAS NOTTT ON MY 2024 BINGO CARD BC I WOULD THINK HE HAS TOO MUCH PRIDE TO OPENLY ADMIT SOMETHING LIKE THAT. then again he’s still a dick for saying that he wants to fuck her but still doesn’t care about her…you’re writing CH!sunghoon so well like he genuinely makes my blood boil at times. i’m glad yn is getting laid tho but she needs to be fucked good soon and i’m sensing a smut chap w/ hoon in the near future??👀👀

i saw the recent asks some anon sent in saying CH is getting boring and i truly want to know where their thought process is at bc it’s literally getting better with each chapter!!!! some people are so rude, like i get constructive criticism, but that just wasn’t it. the way you’re writing this smau is everything and more zadie, don’t let those weirdos get to you!!!! i know it’s easier said than done but remember there’s more people who love your works (me being one of them), than people who are just bored and have nothing else better to do with their days. IM AN ONLYJAEYUN DEFENDER TILL THE END‼️‼️ you’re doing amazing baby, keep your head up💓💓

wanted to share w/ you a little bit about my girls trip to nyc too!! it was my friend’s 23rd birthday so our whole friend group surprised her w/ a weekend trip to new york as a bday present!! OMG a funny story that happened on our first night there, we all went to this club to celebrate and these group of guys kept being so pushy and gross towards me and my friends. one of them insisted on buying me a drink but he just made me so uncomfy that i didn’t want to even be near him. i tried to decline nicely but he was so persistent. what was funny was that he saw my lockscreen and it was a pic of jongseong in the gym and he immediately backed off bc he thought it was my bf so thank you jay bc he was able to get me out of that situation😭😭

i got carried away with writing this ask so i hope you enjoy this novel i wrote you LOL🤭🤞🏻💞 i hope you’re doing well my baby!! i missed chatting w/ you🥹🫶🏻 ilysm 🤍🧸🎀 !!

- 💌

MY ANGEL BABY IS BACK YALL WAKE UP!!!!🤭🤭🤭💗

bless your sweet soul, the fact you made time to read CH during your busy ass girls' trip means so much to me baby, i love and appreciate you with my whole heart 🥺💗

STOP YOULL ACTUALLY MAKE ME CRY NOT THE DEFENDER PART 🥺🥺🥺 thank you so much baby, ngl the comment did hurt a little but i know most of you guys are loving it as much as i do and with amazing feedback from amazing people like you snd many more i would never let those get to me to that certain point again 🥺 i love you sm

OMG NOT THE JONGIE BOYFIE PIC SAVING YOU!!!!! he really is THAT boyfriend im afraid 🤭 im sorry you had to deal with m*n like that baby and am glad you're ssfe and having fun, you deserve it so much!🥺

sending you the biggest kiss and i really hope you can get a little rest soon bc nestie you've been booked and busy but we love to see it!!!!!💗

[letterstodiana]

17/10/23

"you must think I’m doing great but tbh I never really know how to answer this question anymore no matter who asks. It’s never what it seems, which I’m sure of all people, you’d understand most. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and us.

Im sorry I had to step away from responding because my feelings and thoughts were engulfing me too much and I didn’t want to respond out of hurt or negative feelings because its not my prerogative to make you a villain for the sake of my own healing"

I dont even know how to reply this without sharing how I feel about you; but that's not what you want to hear.

I want to tell you that I cant stop thinking about you, that every where I look, I'm reminded of you. That every trace of Singapore, has you embedded in it, from the license plates starting with SND to every angry driver I get frustrated with. Just driving on my own alone makes me think of you; but that's not what you want to hear.

I want to ask you why are you making me the villain now, how have I become the villain when I'm at my lowest and I dont have anyone that can understand what I'm going through cause all I ever did was tell you everything. I need you so much right now; but that's not what you want to hear.

I want to take a plane and see you, just to hold you, even if it's a couple of minutes, to feel our souls connect again. I want to have you in my arms again cause nothing really feels the same; but that's not what you want. I just want to let you know that I love you and miss you, but that's not what you want.

I just hope that, in time, I am still what you want.

[kirkwallgremlin]

i have some more people i love @knightava i love how supportibve you are of literally everybody ? jand also how passionate you are about things and people and characters you are about  ily and @dankou you’re fantastic i adore you and @embajadora-montilyet i love your blog and @elffyness ily?? keep making your wonderful art and content and ily?? and same with @isalavhenan? and @tloaque your art is wonderful and i love your art and @theodoresart i love you abnd your art so much and i dont eben remember why i followed you or you me?? but you make me care so much about things i otherwise dint even know?? and @v-reds and @lavelland ily so mucnh?? youve been so supportive sunce the first time i eber posted any art, literally the first time ily sm and @bitchesofostwick i love you too ellinor and you have my hearrt and @thenightingalelily ily too and your fic everyone go read lily’s fic! AND! @littlegumshoe both you and daire a nd your art have my heart and im sorry if forget the little dash thingy in daires name idk how to write it and @missveils i love? every post i see about your job and you? and also both of you are so cute you’re iterally goals i love you both and your relationship and @tzedekart your art is literally goals i hope i can make things like you one day

[asgh646464]

im sick of myself and i am also in dalmacia which is so funny because this is my happy place my best space my safe space my love life. but i feel like i shouldnt be here because i dont deserve it or i am not meant to be here but where else am i mesnt to be you know? isolating but not really having anyone to isokate myself from. so am i isolating from myself? thats not possible. i need some serotonine i need to figure out where to sleep today i need to get my shit together but i have it all in my backpack. so am i missing something? someone. not even hiking helped i thought im gonna die in the croatian woods for s second snd even being that miserable and 'supertramp' didnt help. now i have five more days of camping outside and im actually rhinking about camping in a carcamp. with my gear which consists only of a mat and a sleeping bag. my head hurts. i want love. i dont know how to love or who to love. every croatian countryside girl is straight. thats of topic. i got on the bus with the intention of driving only to the next village so i can explore the coast and enjoy a different space. because thats going out of my comfort zone right? thats what i NEEDED. but then the bus driver used a mean voice to say TiCKETs in The bUs! and i sat there on the verge of tears in a bus full of tourists. and i said to him so you going slso to ploče? yes ploče but who said the little village name which i already forgot? yeah that was me sir i changed my mind sorry. impulsuvely. again like i cant change my mind in a calm nice way it has to be in an omg i hate myself i need to go home what am i doing here?way. two days in croatia and not even a tow in the sea. not even a smile not even a laugh not even a dip in olive oil. i want to leave my backpack on the side of the road. i want a hug. i want friends to talk to. chris mccandless wouldnt be happy i hope hes not watching me. im trying my guy. i am trying to find happiness. wilderness. i dont know. last year i was sure happiness isnt other people. now im desperate. now im drinking espresso and tonic alone

[daydreamingalways]

His Popstar [S.M]

A/N: Hi guys, this is my first ever imagine so please bear with. If you have any suggestions for another imagine please message me.

Singer based on Ariana Grande

Summary: Shawn watches you at your concert and hopes one day he will be as badass as you. 

The faint screams coming from the arena make you feel so excited for the concert. 20,000 people have come across the whole country to see you perform your first show for your new album. You wanted your first show to be at your hometown and then your last show to be in Toronto as you live with Shawn in Toronto. To say you felt lucky would be an understatement you couldn't believe people would listen to your music let alone buy tickets to see you. Shawn , Aaliyah and his parents as well as your family and friends have come to watch you. unlike last year they will actually be seated by the stage so they can watch you rather then be backstage. The thought of this made you nervous yet happy, you felt nervous because what if they didn't like the performance? but somehow you new they would. 

“Y/n , its go time.” Your manager pulls you out of your thoughts and before you know it your walking to the stage. You are hooked up with your in-ears and given your microphone so now you are just waiting under the stage before walking on. 

the faint screams are now deafening and you can hear your introduction being played. Last year you joined Shawn for part of his tour and you fell in love with his introduction so you wanted something that would build up the tension and excitement just like Shawn’s did. 

“y/n you ready?” someone said through your in-ears. the all so familiar moment comes rushing back. You smile because you know in 30 seconds you are going to be doing something you loved and have missed for the past year and now its finally hear.

As the floor is lifted you can see all the people who have come to see you, all the banners they've made and the lights from their phones. You search through the crowd and once you see Shawn and your family cheering you know your ready to perform a phenomenal show.

SHAWN’S POV

I’m amazed at how perfect y/n really is. She's killing it , the outfits, the vocals and the concert as a whole. I’ve never really truly realised how badass she is. She walks around the stage like she owns it and she deserves every part of it. Throughout the show y/n is winking at me subtly and I'm the only one that seems to notice.

“Not gonna lie Shawn you should probably step up your game because this is the best concert I have EVER been too.” Bringing me out of my thoughts I turn to Aaliyah.

“Let me guess your enjoying yourself?” I prod her playfully. “ Duh , y/n said theres gonna be balloons during one last time if there is then you defiantly need to rethink all your ideas for your tour next year.” I laugh and turn to look at the rest of the family. they all look in awe of y/n and look so amazed at how well she can sing. they all obviously knew how well she could sing but something about this performance was special. the past few months of preparation had took a toll on y/n. the countless nights of her not being able to sleep because of stress due to the stage not looking exactly how she planned or the long hours of her recording the 

I knew how much us all being here meant to y/n because whenever I'm on tour all I ever want is my family to be here because it gets lonely and also its nice to have them watching you and having a good time while supporting you.

You were truly lucky to have her.

YOUR POV

Towards the end of the show you sing touch it Shawn's favourite song. You've never told him that the song is about him and you have no idea how he doesn’t know.

Towards the end of the song you give it your all. perfect harmonies fill the arena and everyone screams and Shawn just watches you in amazement.

Your so lucky to have Shawn here tonight snd it means the world to you that Shawn and his family flew from Toronto to y/ht ( your hometown). you knew that Shawn was probably exhausted from the amount of times he had to try and get you to sleep after waking up at 3am to find you wide-awake in your thoughts.  

As your final song one last time plays and the balloons start to fall you can say this has truly been the best show yet and it has just gotten started. 

As the lights dim and you exit the stage you run to your dressing room where you hope to meet your family. After dating Shawn for nearly three years you consider him and his family to be your family and vice versa. Since his family and your family were all close it only made sense to call them all your family.

SHAWN’S POV

As I walk in y/n dressing room I see her already starting to pick out some comfy clothes to wear once she gets out the shower. she's dripping in sweat and out of breath from all the singing and dancing non stop for the past 2 hours. Considering I am warn out after just singing for 2 hours without dancing I can't imagine how exhausted she feels. 

As she hugs and thanks each family member she approaches me last with a big smile plastered on her face. “ how was it?” I asked her while wrapping my arms around her tiny frame. “ Amazing, for sure the best show ive ever done. Im so tired though I just want to sleep.” I just hummed in response knowing she probably doesn't want much conversation as she's so warn out.

two years ago we would've been celebrating her first time playing at an arena of this size but now the size of the arena is nothing compared to when she played at Madison square gardens or Wembley stadium so she doesn't feel the need to celebrate as much as she did back then.

After a while of spending time with our family we make our way back to our hotel. Since my family have flown all the way here from Toronto me and y/n have both decided to book a hotel room and let them have the spare bedrooms. Neither of us mind it though because it will be a lot quieter since the rest of the family are celebrating on our behalf.

The car journey to the hotel was peacefully silent and it wasn't long before I heard the deep breaths coming from y/n who had fallen asleep. She had had a rather long day and I didn't want to disturb her but we were pulling up to the hotel so I had to. “baby were here” “hmm?” she had one eye closed and one eye barely open. “Were at the hotel hun.” “oh right” she took one big stretch before we both made it into the hotel. Luckily for us we both spent the night before here and therefore we had both already unpacked so we could just go straight to bed. I was mentally thanking myself for that idea because I know y/n would just fall asleep leaving me to do all the work. I wouldn't normally of minded but I was still tired from the journey here.

After we both got ready for bed and talked about the show and how y/n nearly tripped in her heels yet covered it up quickly we both crawled into the comfy white sheets and cuddled up while looking at the window which showed the brightly lit buildings in the city. we both soon drifted into a deep sleep and neither of us could wait for the next few months like this.

A/N: sorry about the really bad ending its late and I wanted to finish this before iw ent to sleep. Let me know what you thought about this imagine and whether I should write more or not. If you do want me to write more could you let me know what you want my next imagine to be about and ill try my best to write them. Thanks G X

[aesukiiee]

hi this is stinky sunny. I Am In Love. With This. politely asks for the song post—🔮

omg. prepare yourself sunny. for the very long rant i am about to go on. prepare for a lot. of angst i apologize KSNDHDKD

before i start btw im sorry if this doesn't make sense i am not very good at explain but i tried- my best- do ask anything if you need ＼(^o^)／ im might've missed a few things for these to make sense i am sorry-

first off is kira!!

the song used for kira is compared child.

for context, kira is a people pleaser, especially towards her mother. she has always wanted her mother to just take a second and notice her achievements, from exams to even helping an elderly cross the road or saving a kitten from the rain. though, due to the high standard that her older sister had unintentionally for her and mirai, their mother pays little to no attention to them. so whatever she does was pretty much based around wanting her moms attention.

from the song it says, "i failed much more than i succeeded, and i only got hurt some more."

kira is always staying up late to make sure she's doing well academically and that she'd be able to do any surprise test that she'll be given in school. although, when being put under pressure to do as well as your naturally smart older sister, it backfires and she ends up not being able to focus which turns into bad grades.

the next line, "its just fate that people will mock what i love most."

kira loves animals, she's an animal fanatic but when you're so used to being belittled and mocked by almost everything you do, she feels the need to hide what she loves so that it won't be ruined for her like everything else is. even if someone doesn't show any ill intention towards her, she'll still hide her likes snd hobbies away because she's so used to believing that there's a chance they might ridicule her for it. she never thought her parents would do such a thing, so who's to say others won't?

next is maia!!

for maia i used what if this isn't a slave.

maia is her family's golden child. growing up, her parents signed her up for all sorts of activities so that she'd be able to find out what she likes and doesn't like. though, cliche-ish, she seems to excell at everything, which caused her parents to give her even more responsibilities to see if they potentially have a genius in thier hands. slowly, she starts to realise that her parents are giving her more roles just so they'd be able to show her off like a trophy daughter (is that a thing?)

the line, "something i don't want to do, the adults are forcing it onto us."

pretty self explanatory, maia doesn't want to do the things that shes being forced into anymore. even if its not fun and they're not even taking her own interests to heart, she can't say anything because she doesn't want to disappoint. speaking of interests..

"Then what do you want to do? I don't know, i said I don't know."

maia has done a lot of things. so much that she doesn't even know what she likes anymore. even if she does, she starts to overthink and starts asking herself if she actually likes this or if its because her parents had forced her into it, so she feels obliged to like it. she doesn't feel in control of herself anymore, feeling like nothing but a puppet to her parents.

next is shula!!

for shula is I'm saying farewell to that rock-and-roll you.

i wasnt actually sure for shula until i saw a comment theorizing what the music video was about then i was like. omg. so true. so credits to that person u r a godsend.

being born in a family that's well-known in the entertainment industry, obviously you're gonna be expected of a lot of things. when shula's brother passes away, she's now carrying the expectations of what her brother once had on his shoulders. she's always felt obliged to carry out all these which made her own standards skyrocket.

"i was a worn out inferior student playing at being an honour student."

There is a perfect version of herself that she's envisioned and is now appearing in every situation that she's in, solving every problem without a sweat when she can't even get by herself. she's jealous of how talented that version of herself is and she's getting pretty irritated by it.

"i always dreamt to be special, even though i wasn't a decent person."

and

"all i'm doing is showing off my lame self no matter how much time passes."

further shows how she wants to be that perfect version of her and how she doesn't like how she is at the moment. almost feeling trapped in some way (?)

near the end, the lines, "i was always trapped by you," and "i understand now."

shula (slowly but surely) starts to realise that she doesn't need that perfect vision of herself to be able to carry out these expectations the way people want her to. she can do things her own way, the way she wants it and she doesn't have to pretend to be someone else in order to make things work. she knows katsuo wouldn't want her to either.

finally is mirai!

mirai's is hide and seek alone.

mirai finds herself at a point in her life where adults are always asking, what do you wanna be when you grow up? when they do, she finds herself thinking back at her sisters.

from the song it says, "you, a worldly-wise figure. You, a worldly-wise figure are glorious." and "you, an excellent risk-taker. you an excellent risk-taker are strong."

that 'figure' she's referring to is both of her sisters, maia and kira. it may not show, but mirai loves and looks up to her sisters. her entire life she's been protected and raised by them, so she obviously thinks highly of them. though, while she looks up to them, she can't help but feel like she won't be able to reach them. in her eyes, they seem to know what they want to do and they're working so hard to achieve their dreams, but she can't seem find one of her own.

another line, "im sick of hearing any words of salvation, so i just cover my ears." and "don't find me, leave things as it is."

her sisters are always telling her, "you'll find your dream someday," and "we'll help you get there!"

but she feels as though shes only wasting their time. she doesn't know what she wants to do, she doesn't think she ever will. she doesn't want them to sit there and wait for her to reach them when they could be doing so much more. they already have a lot on their plate and mirai doesn't want them to worry about her over the littlest things.

she acts as though she doesn't need them, that she's completely fine on her own and that they should worry about themselves instead. though mirai does it in a way where it seems like shes being mean to them, she doesn't intend to.

thank you for readinf if u have made it this far in my rambling ♪ヽ(･ˇ∀ˇ･ゞ)

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

[garylovestowine]

Janury 7th 2-16

So im sitting here in my apartmen at 2:56m... I came home from miller's alehouse with four gin and tonic doubles, and I am just completely oblitereated. I'm scared because school starts tbhis monday, and i am financial fucked in he head. But I just wana let you gys knows that I am okay. I'm at my aprtment finishing a botle of meritage, whch suchs because I had four gin and tonic doubles and miller's.

I dont know wjat to talk about so I am going to just mentoon donald trump... You guys, Donald tump is fucking crazy. I got a Cnn updte on my phone saying hes asking congress to pay for the wall (yeah that fcukin wall).... Like, I love Meixico, whr the fuk would he close the border and build that wall? I think thats a huge insult to everybodu!!!! don't build th wall, trump, that's just a fick ting for you do. I had a crush on a hispanic, don't fucking build awall!!!!@@@!

At work ,I had to dwal with a bitch couple. dont tell me i didnnt give you water with lemon at a dinner shift, because that shit is just annoying. I gAVE YOU lemons and this bitcj was all "I wanted lemon wth my water",,, BITCH. LOOK AR THE PLAT OF LEMONS I GAVE YOU... FUCK YOU.

Now thatI look at my coworkers and their schedules, i just wanna say i miss al ot of my coworkers. KD, I juwa wanna say your college at one of the carolines is great, because i love ya like my lil sister. Kkd you look so much like your parents like you have your dads hair but yourr moms smile and eyes... its adorable let your parents know they treated you well, i wsich tou the avoluste bes. AAB you're the hottet and oolest barytender i have ever met and i know you're the best at english. Honey, if I ever decided to return to an englsh major i'm ging back to you for help lololool. KR you're in a soritiy abd i know peole joke about soririties but swwet heart, you're gorgeous and i hope you nd your man are adorable and stay toggether for a while... you remeber when i bought you tha wine stopper?!?!?! KR youre such a doll, and you have such a swert personaliy which is why i send ya text hopih your okay and a tah t shit and i am glad you enjoyed your ramily for chtristmas but i missd ya! i know it aeems like i am a perv but ih hope for the best for you, i knwo you're the best. KD and AAB nand KR are hee greeatest hottest collest coworkers ever... not some fuking bitch i xpent time on dates and flowers, onoy to go for some fucking asshole who probably still lives with his parents and probably DEALS DRUGS TO FUCKING PEOPL... predjucie much mother fucker-- naaaaaa i saw him deal......... look i mean i live in an apartment and have a ar, this vunt decided a drig dealing bith whos baby mama's daughter has the same naem as her is betterbthan me... FUCK tou, lady, and just know i havent seen you in the eyws since october bcaause just oookin at you makes me wnna drown a bunch of orphans and puppies... yeah, she a bitch. I asked her "yopu have a thing for him, on't you,?" and she goes" well kinda"... fuck yo, lady... i wastedm y time, yu cock teasing bith lolololi i hope your career fails like steve harvey and mis universe...

but back to what i was saying if my coworekrs names initials are KD KR and AAB i lobe ya snd yoyr the bes... FUXK YOU OTHER LADY.... soooooo glad i got over you, because you a goddamn bitch i am so petty right now i am sorry but whatever. i wish i have a good wine pallete and flavor like Alle fuck it alleee you got good wine recommendations. like kahryn here ikes white zinfadel, so fuking basic but whatever-- LCY!!! i GOT Luyc into gam of trnes and westworld i love thay chick she is so gucking awesome i rotaltfforgot aout here i am sorry i forgot about her looo i yhink you're the bet@!!! nyways i posted tis at 314am but i have wok at 8am so i m sooooooo fucked ... okay cool. yyyyye byeee but whatever