#i know The Audition would probably be first because its quite good as an intro episode so theres that. but otherwise im lost

[mystical-one]

im so tempted to make a list of monkees episodes ordered so that it forms a kind of legible plot but idk what would be a good series finale.....

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really THAT Bad?

Cats has been a divisive show ever since it opened in 1981. Some people hate it for being a plotless spectacle that focuses more on the visuals than on music and story, while others love it for those same reasons, as well as for being utterly campy and fun. I’m firmly in the latter category, to the point I can’t  really comprehend the opposition to the film. Stuff like the jab at this film in The Critic or the mockery of it in Hey Arnold just seem weird to me; what is it about this fun, silly musical about cats that makes people’s blood boil so much?

Perhaps all these people saw into the future where the film was released.

Cats had a long, troubled history getting from stage to screen. In the 90s, Amblimation was set to make an animated version of the movie, set during the Blitz of WWII. Unfortunately, the inability of writers to find a way to turn this episodic showcase of random singing cats into a cohesive narrative combined with the failure of Amblimations films caused the project to dissolve, leaving behind nothing but some really cool concept art. 

But see, this perfectly demonstrates the problem with adapting Cats: the musical is a spectacle, a showcase, it’s all about the dancing, costumes, and the songs. It doesn’t have a story to speak of, instead contenting itself with showing us a bunch of different cats and having them sing about themselves for a bit before moving on to the next cat. Sure, there’s a bit of continuity and whatnot, but this really isn’t the sort of show that’s trying to deliver a deep narrative. It just wants you to have a good time, nothing more, nothing less.

No one told any of this to Tom Hooper, apparently. This director of the grounded, gritty, realistic adaptation of Les Mis was tapped to utilize this same style in a musical about magical singing cats, all while not even knowing what catnip is or how animation works. Hooper was apparently constantly butting heads with the VFX team due to his lack of understanding of how animating works. He tried to get the team to watch videos of cats performaing the stuff he wanted and forced them to give 90 hour work weeks, cementing Tom Hooprt as one of the biggest douchebags imaginable. On top of all this, the guy tried to weave this plotless showcase of felines into a cohesive narrative, and tapped a bunch of talent of various degrees of questionability to play parts. And what was the result?

An absolute disaster. The film was savaged by critics, with most positives being that the film was so bad it’s good. The film (of course) won a bunch of Razzies, and was the subject of mockery and memes before, after, and during its run in theaters. Hell, as soon as the trailer dropped, the film was mocked to death. Not helping was the rushed VFX which, again, was due to the team being under pressure from a draconian idiot who had no idea what he was doing. The film received an unprecedented bug fix, so to speak, in the form of an updated version with slightly better VFX that was shipped to theaters after the initial negative reaction. This obviously did nothing to help the movie’s reputation, of course. Hell, even in my initial review, I wasn’t super keen on the film. Most damning of all, though, was Andrew Lloyd Webber himself calling the film ridiculous, and even said "The problem with the film was that Tom Hooper decided that he didn’t want anybody involved in it who was involved in the original show."

But after ruminating on it, and after watching the film once more, I’ve decided to ask the usual question: Is it really that bad? It’s weird to ask this about a film that’s so new; I usually wait for hindsight to kick in, and look at older films considered bad. But even now, Cats is building up a reputation as a campy cult classic, with such figures as Martin “LittleKuriboh” Billamy watching the film with alarming frequency. And after reading the nightmarish behind the scenes and considering everything… yeah, I think this film deserves a re-evaluation.

This is going to be a little different, though: I’m sort of going to go through the film part by part, since this film has an interesting issue where, generally speaking, the first half is where the worst problems are, and the second half is where things start to pick up. So let’s get the bad out of the way first, then move onto the good.

THE BAD

So, I’m actually not going to pick on the VFX too much, and not just because of the horrible treatment of the VFX artists. In all honesty, the weird human/cat people, while not even remotely as cool as the insane costumes of the stage show, eventually stop being super distracting and kind of just become something you accept. Like, I’m not gonna pretend like this work is amazing, but I dunno, I think it gets harped on too much. There is some stuff that stands out as noticeably bad, though, and we’ll get to that.

A consistent problem with the film that I can’t even try to defend is the problem with the scaling. It’s seriously hard to tell how big these cats are supposed to be in relation to anything else. They honestly seem to change size from scene to scene. It’s seriously weird and baffling and there’s never any way to get a good sense of scale. Even when the cats are alongside mice and roaches, it just boggles the mind what size anything is actually supposed to be.

Mr. Mistoffelees, one of the most flamboyant and enjoyable characters of the stage show, is one of the biggest character issues with the film. Gone is the tricky, confident magician who prances and dances, and here is a meek, sniveling twerp who can barely do anything without tripping over himself. This is because the actor who plays him had a terrible audition that left him miserable due to a lack of singing and dance background. So, rather than find someone who could, you know, sing and dance, they decided to rewrite Mr. Mistoffelees into comic relief, which is just an insulting slap in the face. The cherry on top of course is how they straightwash the character and excise his homoerotic tension with Rum Tum Tugger, instead making him completely and totally straight and giving him a thing for Victoria. Out of everyone in the entire film, they did Mr. Mistoffelees the dirtiest.

Now, let’s get onto the actual “plot.” The film actually starts out fairly well, with some cool shots, good dancing, and some setup for Macavity, whose intro has a neat little nod to the fact he’s based on Moriarty. The issues don’t really start showing up until we reach the first of the Jellicle choices… Jennyanydots.

Jennyanydots is portrayed by Rebel Wilson, which is the first issue. Rebel Wilson is probably one of the worst actresses ever. She is just a horrendously, relentlessly unfunny human being, and she brings that exact quality to her role here. For her song, the vocal talent is secondary to the cringeworthy comedy Wilson puts on display. And yet, somehow, Wilson isn’t the worst part of the scene. No, that would be the horrendous CGI human-faced mice and roaches, which look like they came out of a PS3 game.

This horrendous spectacle is followed up with the appearance of Rum Tum Tugger, portrayed by Jason Derulo. I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, I do think Derulo has the necessary egotistical celebrity swagger to play Rum Tum Tugger (especially when you consider he responded to negative criticisms of the film by calling the movie  “one of the greatest pieces of art ever made”) and his design is actually one of the better ones in the film, but on the other hand, his singing and the musical choice for his song are not very impressive and really just doesn’t work all too well. It’s at least something of a step up from Rebel Wilson and her CGI abominations, but that’s not really saying much, is it?

Next up we have Bustopher Jones, played by James Corden and, if I’m being totally honest… he’s not quite as awful as he could be. Corden is basically the male equivalent to Rebel Wilson, but at least while he’s singing he manages to be somewhat amusing, whimsical, and enjoyable even. The problem comes when he throws in jokes, including one where he claims to be self-conscious about his weight… a joke that occurs in the middle of his song where he is bragging about how fat he is. Talk about sending mixed messages. I wish I didn’t have to be so harsh on Bustopher, but sadly he is bogged down by really bad shtick.

Bustopher Jones also highlights a problem with the cats in this first half. These minor roles – Jennyanydots, Rum Tum Tugger, and Bustopher Jones – are all being played by relatively big celebrities, and as such they’re going to want a lot of time to sing. As a result, songs that were ensemble numbers on stage become more one-man songs here, with Bustopher Jones being the most egregious example, turning this positive fat character into a walking James Corden fat joke as he sings his own praises rather than having his praises sung.

Following him up we have Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, who are usually fun characters with a fun little pseudo-villain song, but alas, they manage to screw that up by using a slow, jazzy version of the song originally used in earlier London productions rather than the more up-tempo version from later productions, making the song sound awkward and forgettable. Topping it all off is the bargain bin Mr. M popping in at the end for some wacky shenanigans, but at this point, the movie takes a turn towards…

THE GOOD

So as soon as Dame Judi Dench shows up as Old Deuteronomy, the film gets a sort of inverse of what happened at the start. Where the film starts somewhat awkward and promising, it slowly gets stupider and stupider when Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo, and James Corden botch their scenes in the ways described above. Here, things start a bit shaky and unsure, but Dench is a sign things are about to pick up. What makes her so enjoyable is how, despite how utterly silly things are, she treats her role with the dignity and gravitas of something out of Shakespeare. The only thing as good as an actor in a silly movie like this going full-on ham and cheese is an actor treating their role dead serious and injecting it with such class and dignity you can’t help but enjoy it. Thankfully, Dench isn’t the only person to take her role seriously.

Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella technically appears briefly in the earlier portions of the film, but here we get to hear her belt out “Memory,” and by god does she do a fantastic job. The raw emotion and passion she injects into Grizabella is phenomenal, and it’s even more powerful when it comes back for its reprise in the finale. Victoria gets a sort of response song to “Memory,” called “Beautiful Ghosts,” and it’s a decent song in its own right, but you can tell it was a more modern composition and it just doesn’t gel super well with the rest of the songs. Still, all this is good stuff, and the “Memory”/”Beautiful Ghosts” scene is a nice, refreshing bit of emotion after the incredibly weird and silly extended dance number that is the Jellicle Ball.

The movie doesn’t stop pulling punches; shortly after Grizabella we are given Gus the theater cat, an elderly actor whose number is all about reminiscing of the old days of theater and his many stellar roles from days gone by. Naturally, the only actor who could possibly perform this role properly is Sir Ian McKellan. I am completely unironic when I say this: This is to McKellan what Patrick Stewart’s performance of Xavier in Logan is. This sounds ridiculous, but think of it: Gus is an aging thespian, clearly a bit senile and desiring to be reborn because he has reached the end of the line, and McKellan fills him with this genuine, incredibly honest performance that really makes you feel emotional. It’s powerful. It feels so personal and resonant, like McKellan has inserted some of his own feelings into his performance, which may very well be the case. Oh, and after his song Macavity kidnaps him with a big autograph book and apparates away while saying his name, which gets me every time.

And now, my friends, the lord and savior arrives: Skimbleshanks.

This is, hands down, the best scene in the entire film. Everything comes together here: the music is absolutely fantastic, the dancing is choreographed extremely well, and it’s clear that everyone involved is having a blast. This is a concentrated essence of what Cats should be, and it’s really a shame Hooper didn’t understand that this is the energy needed for the entire production. The most crucial element, of course, is Steven McRae, who not only has a lovely singing voice and looks dapper as all hell in his red suspenders, but is a tap dancing maniac. This man has feet of fire, and his tapping adds a whole new layer of fun to the song. Overall, this is a perfect scene, and probably one of my favorite scenes in any film ever. For a brief four minutes, everything about this film works. I literally have no idea why this cat wants to be reincarnated, he is straight balling in this life.

But the hits don’t stop! Right after this song, Taylor Swift descends from the ceiling, and we get “Macavity.” In the stage productions, this is a song sung by Bombalurina to describe how nasty Macavity is, since she’s traditionally a good cat; here, she’s reimagined as a villain, and so this song is basically her acting as Macavity’s hype man, singing his dastardly praises, and best of all, Macavity joins in at the end! I’m certainly not a Taylor Swift fan, but she really kills it here, and definitely makes this one of the best songs in the movie with her hilariously forced accent and insane energy. It’s just a shame that from here on out Macavity ditches his villainous pimp coat and is now a nude Idris Elba, but I suppose this is equivalent exchange for Skimbleshanks being so amazing.

While not as incredible as the previous two songs and not quite as good as the stage version due to the removal of the latent homoeroticism, Mr. Mistoffelees’s song is actually okay. It’s nice that he gets to sing his own praises here, but it’s just nothing compared to the stage version, even if it has a fun little finale and it actually is genuinely heartwarming when Old Deuteronomy returns and sings along. It’s a sweet moment that almost makes up for how much Mr. M has sucked the whole movie. Oh, also, all of the Jellicle choices Macavity kidnapped fight back against their captor Growltiger, with Skimbleshanks aggressively tapdancing at him and Gus using his acting skills to make him fall into the Thames. This is so goofy that it wraps back around to being awesome.

The movie winds down in the goofiest way possible after the gorgeous reprise of “Memory,” with Macavity being caught on a big sculpture and apparently running out of magic, leaving him stranded like a regular cat. Then we get one final fourth-wall breaking song where Judi Dench directly addresses the camera that has the music swell up to the point where it seems like the song is ending numerous times without actually ending, and each time is funnier than the last. Really, what better way could you end such a silly film than with this?

Now, a general thing that’s great about the film is the choreography. The dancing in the movie is spectacular. I don’t really have a bad thing to say about it. And, in a broad sense, the music is good too, even if the singers aren’t always perfect, the backing tracks are great, and there’s a lot of fun in the tracks in the latter half of the movie. McRae and Taylor Swift’s contributions in particular are great, and Hudson’s version of “Memory” is incredibly powerful, as is McKellan’s take on Gus’ song.

Is It Really THAT Bad?

No.

Look, it’s hard to be like “Wow this is a fantastic masterpiece of film” or anything like that, because the movie has blatant and evident problems. But this is literally the reason I made this review series; I’m asking if the movie is really as bad as people say, and in this case, no, there’s too much genuinely enjoyable in the film for me to say it’s deserving of several Razzies and a spot on the Bottom 100 of IMDB that places it above Master of Disguise and The Emoji Movie. Like, seriously? This is worse than the 90 minute commercial starring the abusive dick who called a bomb threat on his girlfriend? Hell, this movie is rated worse than Artemis Fowl, which is definitely a contender for the worst film ever made (and amusingly enough also features Judi Dench in it). Artemis Fowl has next to no redeeming qualities in it, and it certainly doesn’t have Skimbleshanks, whereas Cats has several fun scenes and also has Skimbleshanks.

I definitely think there’s more of an argument for this film being so bad it’s good or camp at best, but it’s definitely more enjoyable than you’d think it would be. If you can learn to live with the weird CGI, it’s a fun, goofy romp that you might find yourself feeling for at times. After my second watch, I have to say… I’ve started to unironically enjoy this movie. It might even be one of my favorites of all time. I can’t even deny that it has a lot of stuff I don’t like, and it falls flat in a lot of ways the 1998 film soars, and it screwed up some of my favorite characters… but there are so many moments where the fun and heart of Cats shines through brighter than it has any right to, and all the failures of Hooper and Universal seem distant for a just a few minutes.

So yeah, is this movie good all around? No way. But is it fun, does it have value, and is there more redeeming qualities than the critics let on? Oh yes there is.

[fmdjoosungarchive]

location: gold star studio

date: july,, smth,,,

word count: 1572

tldr; audition for our songs. sung decides to do a remix cover of artist by seyeon(rip) npc and answer questions as he goes. mentions of @fmdjoohwan @eunahfmd @fmdtaeyong @fmdsooyeon @fmdxsuji @fmdbyul (whoops forgot to add those mentions in before)

when sung first heard base was launching two new shows, he wasn’t surprised that gold star staff came to him saying he ought to send in auditions. he’d looked over the prompts, and while both of the show concepts seemed interesting, what really grabbed his attention was ‘our songs’.

it shouldn’t have. he knew that. he was already so busy, and trying to write songs for his own album, and for element, and for other friends who requested music from him. if this show was like what he’d heard from others of the same type, he’d have to be writing songs regularly while on the show, for the show, no matter what he was doing behind the scenes as well. and yet, even knowing all of that, he impatiently waited until he had some time alone in one of gold star’s studios to film his questions and record his cover.

the producers of the show might look favorably on him using a studio to film this, he thought, which in turn made him sigh internally at himself for trying to appeal to the casting directors like he was.

in his slivers of time between schedules, sung thought often of what cover he might want to do. although there were so many artists he admired that he’d love to cover, most of the artists he liked were singers, and sung wasn’t sure if the show was looking for him to dip outside of the rap zone. it wasn’t show me the money, but gold star didn’t let him sing as much as he wanted, so the show probably wouldn’t either.

he contemplated options for a long while, before landing on artist, a song he’d written with a friend in mind. it would show his previous songwriting, and give him the opportunity to show what else he could do with a song, at once. and, bonus, he had the track dissected already since he wrote the composition himself.

it was this composition he loaded into a computer in the studio, as his phone ran a video of him off to the side. he greeted the camera warmly, introduced himself, and explained that he was going to be working on the composition of his cover while he answered questions.

as his chair swiveled back to face the computer, he immediately started off by removing elements from the song. although he liked the mess of sounds he’d ended up with when writing the song, it wasn’t him. the goal was to scale back, and keep the bright tone, while slowing everything down into more of the ‘beats to relax and study to’ vibe. at his current place in songwriting, that’s where he felt his heart most. of the small amount of his next album he’d written, that was the only sound he’d managed to fish out for himself.

working bit by bit, listening to what he’d done through the one side of his headphones cupped over his ear, he looked off to the side to check out what the first question was. “anything i come across can inspire me. this song, for example, it started because when i was at the company building, someone was going to throw away a coffee can, and for some reason, i was struck with inspiration to use it as percussion. most of the time what ends up inspiring me, is the people close to me. my element members, or friends, a lot of the songs that are released by them that i wrote were written with them in mind. my friends are very inspiring as people and artists.”

he paused his answering, then, to explain what he’d done with the composition, and show the camera a work-in-progress version of what he had so far. “i’m hoping to get a basis of a few of the elements i recorded for it, and re-record everything so it’s accurately concise.” the phone was replaced back on its spot, while he kept working more, speaking up now and again to explain if he’d done something important.

then, “my favorite song, ah, i’m not sure. i have quite a lot of love for hello tutorial, which origin’s joohwan and 7rophy’s eunah performed, because it was my first composition that was released outside of element. but, i feel a bit more particularly proud of one of my own songs from my first album, in sensitivity. the intro, it’s called sad memories. i’d spent such a long time trying to rework it to be the best it could be that i was pushing my due date. it’d gotten to the point the company was telling me if i didn’t finish it all myself, it wouldn’t be on the album. but i’d really wanted to challenge myself to make a piano piece i could feel proud of. i ended up doing that, in the end. i think it’s a really beautiful addition to my album, and i’m glad i was able to finish it well.”

by that point, the composition had been stripped down enough for sung to work with it. he wasn’t planning on touching the coffee can percussion, as he told the camera, because that was the original beginning of the song that he wanted to preserve, but everything else was going to be reworked. despite the tonality of his words, he still sat at the computer, using his digital landscape to give him a rough idea of what he was going to re-record or record for the first time, so that when it came to the recording, it could be swift, in little soundbytes for whichever gold star employee edited this to work through.

in the meantime, he decided to answer the next question. “um, yeah, there are a lot of songwriters i admire. many that aren’t idols, but in terms of idols, byul sunbaenim is one of my all-time biggest idols. i’ve been blessed enough to be in the same company as her, and have been around for the majority of her career, to see her grow and blossom as an artist. the songs she writes and performs are so healing to me, as well. she’s definitely someone i look after when i’m writing music for myself. i also particularly admire idols like knight’s taeyong, wish’s vivienne, and fuse’s suji who have such strong solo careers that they’ve participated in, despite having such busy group schedules.”

the composition didn’t sound great at this point. sung wasn’t really planning on sharing this portion of it with the camera, though he continued to point out details as he went. re-recording was the best choice here, that much he knew. although, it was coming to a close, something he could work with and base his recordings off of, so he answered the second to last question. “it may seem small, but my goal as a songwriter is to simply make music people enjoy. i’ve never been one to hold too much towards awards, or chart numbers. what matters most to me is that i make music that i enjoy, that people i make music for enjoy what i’ve made, and that their fans and mine enjoy it as well.” he finished, then, and turned to the camera to finish his answer, “in general, i’d like to write for all different kinds of genres, and become better at more instruments so i can more easily make songs.” and with that, sung clapped and told the camera he was going to be recording now.

he started with the piano piece, which ended up sounding more reminiscent of the original version than what ended up in the final product. something more personal to him. next was the guitar lines, then some secondary percussion.

for the simplistic version, that was enough. he moved his phone then setting it up in a different space to watch him as he did recordings. he started with the main melody lyrics, going through that a few times, padding back to the computer to realign what he’d done. usually, he’d take longer to solidify the base before adding adlibs and harmonies, but here, he went back to the microphone quickly, so there wasn’t much dead air. he spoke as he went, telling the camera about every step of the way, why he did things the way he did.

after recording, he set the phone back up on the desk, facing him again from an angle, and decided to wait on finalizing the production of the track until he finished this vlog. the last question stumped him, a little. he told the camera as much, with a small laugh following. “hm, uh, i think, there’s so much to gain from being around other songwriters. i’d like to learn from them, for us all to feed off of one another. it would give me more connections, give me other people to write with in the future, show me methods and thought processes i wouldn’t have thought of before. i write most often on my own, so i don’t often get to see those sorts of things. i hope, mainly, to become a better songwriter. that’s always my goal, every time i sit in a place like this. and i hope you’ll all want me on your show. thank you for listening and watching all of this. have a good day.” and with that, he reached forward to turn the video off, and start working on the cover’s production.

[suenala]

BTS-story ; well, here i am.

episode 4 ; 'she's cocky.'

prev. < tsilretsam

[genre] ; fluff

[fandom] ; 방탄소년단

[⚠] ; cuss must bust

–

-

Fee: "Hey yn," -she talks from behind her locker door-

Yn: "Hm?" -i start changing my clothes and shoving everything into my duffle bag and then shoving THAT into my locker-

Fee: "What's your number?"

Yn: "You have my number...?"

Fee: "No i dont..?"

Yn: "Yes you do...?"

Fee: "Well, tell me, i don't remember then."

Yn: "Oh, fine its 25326-'

Fee: "No you idiot, your fucking number on your tag!" -she doesn't even look at me and smacks me on the back of my head-

Yn: "Oh, uh..25, how 'bout you?" -i sit on the bench behind me, rubbing my head-

Fee: "Dang, 46."

Yn: "Dang?" -as she finishes up, she turns around towards me and gestures to leave-

Fee: Walk and talk, lets go. Anyway, yeah, i wanted to go sooner."

Yn: "Hm? Why?"

Fee: "I don't know, if i was best, then they'll probably have a hard time judging others, no offense...hehe."

Yn: "Don't they record them? They can always look back to remember."

Fee: "Hm, i guess you are right." -we slowly stop talking as we re-enter the studio. This time the lights and cameras were set up-

We had an half-hour refresh session so everyone and practice. My number was 25 so I had plenty of time to work on my own choreography, they said they will be going by twenty but theres alot of us so...this'll be awhile. 

[Thirty minutes later]

Namjoon: "Okay, i hope everyone's warmed up?"

Everyone: "Yes!"

Namjoon: "Okay, we're going to need the numbers 1-20 to stay please and the rest can exit. After they are done we'll take a 25-minute break and the group next can come in, got it?"

Jin: -whispers- "namjoon.., they aren't dogs.."

Namjoon: "Shut up."

We all exit and sit outside waiting..well some of us, it was like an hour and a half till it was our time but before that, mostly everyone went to other studio rooms to practice or some fell asleep or something but for me and fee just sat there talking. We were actually pretty confident we would make it to the next round but maybe that's just us, i guess a lot of girls need that (confidence) to perform but i felt like maybe something was going to be a bit different.

[Hour and a half later]

Girl 1: "Dude, im so exhausted.."

Girl 2: "i know right? Me too, good job out there by the way." -she wipes her forehead with a towel as she's walking out-

Jhope: "Wow! I was super impressed! You all danced well today!"

Jimin: "I agree, you all must've worked very hard, huh?"

All the boys follow each other out as they bow and hand out water bottles to the girls. We all know damn well that they didn't need it lol maybe its because its from celebrities?

Jhope: "Don't worry, we won't be long!"

Suga: "Hoseok, just go."

They all wave and bow to us as they walked into a break room reserved for them, they're lucky too, that room is one of our biggest and has couches and T.V’s, lots of food and drinks and other stuff. Usually, that would be reserved for the studio staff or VIP members like me but the staff got a smaller one instead.

Every time I saw a teacher walk past the room, they would roll their eyes as their seeing it taken away from them, but you know, sucks to suck.

[25 miNuTeS LaTer]

The next 20 girls walked in and the boys were already there. We all sat against a wall while the first girl went, the boys looked so focused and when they saw something surprising they seemed genuinely impressed. It gave me alot of courage because then maybe i can do something that'll have taken them aback..., thats until I heard people whispering and talking about me, saying things like; “Omg, I totally forgot we were up against yn..”, “Should we just leave now? We have no chance with her here.” etc. To be honest, it gave me some joy that people thought I was intimidating but also it was sad that people put themselves down just cause I was in the competition too, I didn't want to say anything cause I had a feeling that maybe they would think I was being...conceited but really, what should i do? Quit?

Soon enough time passed and it was my turn, I stood there in front of 19 other girls and seven boys, I stretched thoroughly, cracking every bone in my body and gave them my requested song. For my audition i had selected to be in a duo so I called in henry, i wanted to have more people dance with us but ...they wouldn't get credit since they had to do their own dances when it was their turn plus henry wasn't going to audition—he slacks off too much.

They play on the music and once the intro starts— i immediately get a shot of adrenaline into my body. That's the best part of dancing in front of a crowd, the racing heart wanting to blow out of your chest, the massive amounts of energy that come along— i just feel so awake and enliven. Its like dancing is a drug, i can practice hours on end and yeah i can get tired but i can never get tired (you kno'¿ lolol), i crave for the side effects; the sweat, the dehydration. I love it all.

Everyone sits up and starts bobbing their heads to the beat of the song. They've all seen me dance before and i got to say, im not the best but im sure as hell far away from worst. As their all getting ready to watch me go, the boys are also getting interested, they want to see me dance like before or BETTER than before- all that this morning, it was just all practice, surely im better than that.

I move my body to the beat of the intro and we get into position for the first lyric.

[song] ; a.c.e- black and blue

Im in full focus.

I start dancing with a sharp move—my upper half bopping to the sound. One minute in the song and i can feel the burn, im moving as fast as my body can go and making sure that my moves are as sharp as can be. Really, i didnt care if i got selected. When he asked me if ill be participating i was a bit unsure really and when Jimin said i didn't care i just thought, well "we'll see."

I have to admit that even if i dont get picked, this was really fun, this competition. I get to really see what my peers are made of and they get to see me at my fullest.

Yn: -i make contact with jhope and we stare at each other for a while until i wink and blow a kiss, you would think he would be used to it but it seemed like he got flustered a bit-

Jimin: "Isn't she really good?!" -He whispers to the other members-

Jhope: -scoffs- "Tsk, she's cocky." -he mutters-

I can see Jhope writing on the clipboard with a smirk, was he impressed?

The music ends and I stand there for a minute breathing heavily. Henry pats me on the back and bows to everyone as he leaves, I take a deep breath and stand next to the door. All the other girls tell me that i did a good job and said I was amazing but, I look over to the members and their expressions were so...blank? I can't tell if they enjoyed it or not well besides Jimin, he's smiling from ear to ear, at least someone thought it was good, right...?

I end up having eye contact with jhope again and he raises a brow.

Namjoon: "Okay! Good job #25! Next please!"

Another girl goes up and its a much slower paced than what I just danced to, sigh, this will be a long day won't it?

–

prev. < tsilretsam > next

[sports-sanders-sides]

Damien McDermott Conquers the World: Chapter 1

Chapter One

If you had told me a year ago that I would be standing up on stage receiving my high school diploma, along with several scholarships to colleges I had only dreamed of getting into, I would’ve called you crazy. Hell, I probably would’ve cussed you out and beat the pulp out of you too. But here I was, unable to fight back tears as my mother beamed up at me with pride. I didn’t even care about the whispers and criticizing words of my “friends” behind me, I just took my place in the seats and stared at my diploma with wonder. I felt two sets of strong arms wrap around me and I beamed up at my boyfriends, Emile and Remy, who had graduated with me. Their eyes shone with pride and Emile, who usually hated displaying physical affection, gave me a kiss so passionate that I almost fell off my chair.

“Oh my god, we did it!” Remy practically squealed, jumping up and down with excitement. A few fellow graduates around us smiled at Remy fondly, another fantastic improvement from this year. Emile laughed and ruffled Remy’s hair, making our lover whine and scramble to fix it. As the last few names were called the two of them returned to their seats and we all turned to face the front and finish the rest of the ceremony. It was boring to have to sit through almost 1,000 names being called, and I couldn’t wait for the after party at my house, with just my boyfriends, my real friends, my mom, my brother and sisters, and me. It was incredible how much my life had changed in just one short school year. It may have been hard, but I regretted none of it.

***

September 6, 2017, the first day of my senior year of high school. Well, technically the first day of my second senior year. I’d taken all the classes, done all the curriculum, and even started a school hockey team the year before, but apparently I have to actually do the work. Who knew, right? My blood was boiling as I walked through the familiar beige hallway and I shoved this skinny blond kid into a locker to make myself feel better. He cussed after me but I ignored him, making myself as tall and intimidating as I could with my staggering height of five feet three inches. I thought I recognized him from a couple baseball games I’d been dragged to by friends, but I wasn’t quite sure.

“Yeah, so? It’s fine man, that kid’s probably been through worse than a shove,” I said with a snicker, trying to fall into stride with Patton as we walked to class, my much shorter legs having a hard time keeping up with his pair of beanpoles.

“‘That kid’ is Virgil, I’ve already told you that, and he’s my age so don’t sound do patronizing. You’d like him if you gave him a chance! I think you two could be friends!” Patton sounded so excited as he said that, it almost made me not want to shoot him down.

“You know I don’t do that friend shit. Besides, I don’t have time for it anymore. I need to focus on graduating,” I replied, grudgingly muttering out the last part. Patton awed and wrapped an arm around me in a side hug. Except he didn’t let go, but that’s just Patton. I smiled a little bit and continued on until the two of us reached the classroom. Well, it wasn’t exactly a classroom. The round room, as it was ‘affectionately’ called, operated as the orchestra room, green room, girls changing room, audition room, intro to guitar room, and the sometimes marching band room. It was the only place in the entire building where the air conditioning actually worked, and as it was in the music suite, no one but the music and drama kids knew about it. A couple jocks and cheerleaders knew here and there because they took Mx. Joan’s intro to guitar class, as Patton and I were today, but they were the good ones, and were welcomed into the giant, dysfunctional, drama-filled family. Some of them even auditioned for the school musicals, and there were three guys from the football team who were basses in the choir. Roman, my best friend’s younger brother, was the high school quarterback but always auditioned for the plays, was in the guitar class, and was a RAGING homosexual. I could see his crush on Patton from a mile away, but I didn’t say anything. I knew it would happen in its own time.

“Damien, Patton, you’re late,” Mx. Joan said as we entered the room. Patton smiled sheepishly and apologized, but I grabbed my guitar off the stand and took my seat. The teacher chuckled and checked our names off on their list as present before turning back to the rest of the class to resume the lesson. Patton had sat beside Roman already, but the seat on the other side of him was empty. I plopped down, nearly sending the tiny metal chair buckling to the floor.

“My bad,” I said with a shrug when Mx. Joan whipped their head up to look at us. I could see them fighting back a smile and jotted down another victory in my mind.

“I’ll excuse it this time, but if you’re late again I’ll mark you down. Now let’s begin; Does everyone have their books?” There was a faint shuffling throughout the room as the other students and I pulled out our music books from our backpacks. The same books had been used for years, and were tattered and worn and marked up by past students. My own book had had a crude drawing of a certain appendage with the words ‘Mx. Joan sucks dick’ until I scrubbed it off the cover with rubbing alcohol. I mean, from how they flirted with Mr. Sanders it probably wasn’t wrong, but it still pissed me off. I felt a tap on my shoulder and glanced up to see Patton looking down at me.

“Hey, can I share your book? I forgot mine at home,” Patton said with a sheepish smile on his face. I shrugged and was about to say yes before my eyes fell on Roman, who was already plucking at his guitar strings. A small smirk spread across my lips.

“Nah, we’re on different levels. Why don’t you ask Roman?” I suggested innocently, trying not to laugh as Patton’s face burned. He mumbled something before turning to Roman and I sat back, satisfied with my little matchmaker game. Who knew I’d actually have fun at school?

Tag list: @ascreamingstrawberry @simplesuccessions-is-very-dead @patchworkofstars @abrownswann @chaoticcharm-stone-posts @emo-sanders-sides-loving-unicorn @starryfirefliesbloggo o @thefallendog @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @silly-aesthetic-me me @accidental-sanders @ninjago2020 @yeet-ya-chickenstrips @vampiregeek2002 2 @hissesssss @moonstonefox 2 @book-of-charlie @shanisaur r @randomfanderfriend @thatonetuesdaywhensam-deactivat @saltlouie e @i-sold-my-soul-to-thefandom m @sunshine-in-a-petal @spacenerrrd d @demonalisa2004 @moxietytrash h @tinysidestrashcaptain @rangercorpses s @pattonly-anxious @ren-allen n @kanejandkruge

[shipwrecknights]

SANDIPURWARA 2K19

Ok this is gonna be the longest post ever but i HAVE to write this so bear with me

My annual school theatre production just ended yesterday and the post production blues are at an all-time high. I am terrible at farewells; I’m not a very sentimental guy, not very expressive and I can’t articulate affection well without preparation first. This isn’t my first production, in fact it’s my fourth. I have literally been through this every year for four years in a row and every time it hits hard but this year the feeling is nearly overwhelming. My family and friends always ask my why i keep going back, seeing that the trainings take so much out of me every year. But the fact is, they will never understand. The love that i receive in return from this production....my god. These people are really my family. Never have i met a group of people so easy to talk to, to confide in, who complains so much about having to train and yet come back every day and give it their 80% (lol). I am SO thankful that they are in my life. I’ve watched this project grow over the years and these people have also watched me grow; from an actor in Ziarah and Cinta Mawar, to a scriptwriter in Kalbu and finally a stage manager in Sandipurwara. In 2015 i was a boy with literally no friends in uni, no interest at all in Malay theatre and now I have a 50+ pax strong family gained over the years. In no particular order, these are just some of the people that made Sandipurwara so special for me: To the PDs: Thank you for pulling me into this show. I was adamant about joining intro this year because i felt that i had to move on in life, and that 3 years was a nice number to leave at. When Halijah texted me (nearly begging) to take up the role as ASM, I just thought what the heck. She is my friend and I should help. Halijah and i met in 2016 during Ziarah. We were both cast members and we weren’t close close, but close enough to joke around every day. I always thought she was hilarious. And a very talented actor. She’s the kind of person that makes everyone in the room laugh with her crazy antics, even when the mood is tense, which was almost always the case. I always say to her “Tu lah siapa suruh jadi PD,” not to mock her capability, but just as a running joke because we were always one of the lazy ones who just wanted to go for smoke breaks during training. And yet there she was this year leading the whole ass project. She has balls. The shit that she went through this year. I feel so sorry for always being honest with you, about your leadership style, about the first script that we all turned down, for always replying to you in a stern, I’m-pissed-off manner. You don’t deserve all that. But I’m honest because I always knew you could be better. Four years is a long time!!! You are essentially like my baby sister now. I hope we can hang out more often, go to gigs together maybe. Anyways you fucking did it jah. I couldn’t be more proud of you, couldn’t be more proud to have worked under you. Some people were skeptical when you wanted to be PD but you definitely proved them wrong. I will never forget you and Zu during Ziarah, acting in the training room at block A level 5, getting scolded by Abang Mok, and crying, and STILL continuing the comedy scene. All with tears rolling down your face. Fuck. You were trying so hard and that made me wanna cry too. Congrats Jah. I love you so much and thank you for everything. (anyways emo night pe) As for Naj, we also met in 2016. She acted as the mother of my best friend in the show, and she really suited the role LOL kidding. But Naj is a good actor and dancer, AND a brilliant admin person, something that I can never do ever. What i like about her the most is that she is quiet, takes all the shit she receives and just get the work done without much noise. Basically the opposite of us all. This year she took up the role of APD, and did it while still being herself. I’ve always respected her, seeing her take up so many important roles the past few years. Someone once said to me, Naj is like one of the most senior person here, starting all the way from Iman, but never once did she mention that or use it as a way to assert her seniority. Thank you Naj. The world needs more humble + hardworking people like you <3 And then there’s Shakir. Fucking hell, where do i start. I wasn’t too fond of you when I first met you. Your face and mouth sometimes really mintak kene rembat. But one day it really hit me (and it upset me quite a bit): YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME. Hahahaha fuck we were both cursed with the dying need to speak our minds and filter absolutely nothing. I guess from that day on I just learnt to tolerate your shit because I understand you. You’re probably the most articulate guy in all the intros (but not in malay obviously). Even though your rhyming poems are corny as hell, I respect that you always speak to us in such a concise and inclusive manner, always try to get your opinion across as tactfully as possible, always thinking of how others would feel, even when you’re an insensitive fuck deep down. You always try to mingle with all the departments, which makes it look like you’re friendly, but we all know you just don’t want to feel FOMO. You are the APD that no one wanted but we all NEED. I’m glad we got a bit closer this year because I feel that being so alike, we can learn a lot from each other. Its a shame we didn’t get to see the Jacket Pelacur ™ this year, but we all know you’re busy making moves silently and to that I wish you all the best. I will never forget out stressful trip finding paint and kain, the girls searching for our felt pads while we stand around doing nothing at Spotlight, and you asking me about haram keropok at Daiso wihle I’m almost crying about the damn skirting. Also, good luck with your stint as the MCMS president. You are the first malay-muslim club president that constantly sleeps in girl’s laps, says the f-word, says Bismillah at the end of a speech instead of the beginning, and changes pants at the storage area without the conscience of even closing the door. You do you bro. I will pray that you see the light and be a better person, but thank you for constantly checking up on me and always being a brother. Love you bro #idkmanidk

To my SM Irfan: Bro. Brooooooo. You are one helluva guy. Sometimes I felt that you were overemotional about many things, something that an insensitive guy like me could never understand. But the more you opened up to me, the more I learnt to understand that you just have a very big heart. You get stressed very easily by very small things people say. But that always pushed you to work harder. I always look at you working so hard to plan our PT/crew sessions, and yet some nights you text me shit like im sorry, i feel like im not doing enough as an SM. BRUH. Kau stop it. But that really sums up what kinda person you are. Truly a humble guy that just wants to go around spreading joy to people with his lame-ass puns. I couldn’t have had a better partner. It was tough doing SM things with no third ASM, and come to think of it we been through so many obstacles that only you and I know about. Constantly texting each other about the shit we have yet to do and don’t know how to do, skyping till 3am at night when there’s training at 10am the next morning. It was a great learning process working alongside you. When we hugged just before the last show, you immediately started to cry and that made me tear up, so I pulled away and got the fuck away from you because I didn’t wanna cry as hard. We are two very ugly criers. I am truly sorry if i have ever wronged you, went away to smoke while you’re busy doing stage work, raised my voice at you, and especially sorry that I made you plan all the PT sessions by yourself. I’m sorry if i ever made your life more stressful. Thank you for showering the crew babies with so much love and attention on my behalf. I think your leadership was more than sufficient and that without you, this show couldn’t have been what it was. Love you Erphie baby To Fitri: FITTTTT. I think you were the one who pulled me into auditioning for the first production in 2016. I rmb just randomly coming to the audition and you were being over-appreciative, thanking me for coming haha. You’ve been there for me right from the start. Always supporting me in everything I do, no matter how shitty my acting was, and no matter how bad I was at script writing. You really are the mother of Introspeksi. But you are also like my sister, my teacher, my maid, my best friend, and my girlfriend (rarely). Truly the MVP of Introspeksi, you always selflessly help the PDs and casts every single year, shower us with love and push us to grow. I love that you always tell us to renew our niat whenever we come for training in order to help us get through the exhaustion, the scoldings, and everything negative. I feel sad whenever you get scolded by Abang Mok because I know you’re just trying your hardest to prolong the legacy of this special project. Even though you’re not the pioneer PD of Intro, I feel that you’re the one that started this big family because thanks to you we’re all involved in this crazy business. There’s really nothing I can do to repay you so I’ll just say thank you, for making my life in uni much much better. Continue being the strong, independent and ambitious woman that you are and I’m very sure you’ll be very successful one day. Love you Fit you’re my idol <3

To Zahir: My man. Another person that I’ve been through so much with. I miss our days with izzah and the bebs, sitting at the skatepark and under void decks till 3am, literally laughing till we cry. Those days I will never forget. Acting alongside you in Cinta Mawar, playing two really redundant roles, was also a fun experience although you were upset that your scenes were cancelled on show day hahaha. I knew you always wanted to act some more ever since that show. And then there’s Kalbu, writing the script with you was one hell of an experience, kita kene kecam every training by everyone, script lambat script lambat, script lambat macam cb. (f u shakir) No one knew how hard it was to write such a serious script under close scrutiny of two PDs, numerous advisors, and ofc Abang Mok. And yet I think we managed to have some, if not most, of our ideas remain in the final cut of the script and I’m still very proud of that. I’m sorry for all the times I scolded you, saying you weren’t putting in enough effort, etc. This year you finally got casted as a main and bro I’m so fucking proud of you. Wasn’t confident with your acting at first but during the show, as i watch you and Hidhir from the side curtain, i thought to myself, damn these guys r really trying so hard and it’s really paying off. Your role was really made for you and I’m so happy that your goofing off on stage actually made the show 10x more entertaining. Dalam diam, you’ve contributed so much to the club, and introspeksi, and you did it all while always making everyone laugh. You’re really a one-of-a-kind friend and we all love you. Didn’t really get to show my appreciation to you after Kalbu (idk why we all never post anything) but bro thank you for everything, thanks for the hard work, thanks for all the laughs, for the lepak/jam sessions, the (two) fitspo sessions, for the subtle looks/touches whenever a cute girl is nearby. No matter how rarely we meet I’ll always treasure this friendship man I love you (I ain’t never gonna stop loving you....biiitch) To Jannah: I know I didn’t spend as much time with you this year as I did in the last, but you know I love you janz. Everyone keeps pulling out the “mana nak lepak dgn kita lagi” shit on me, but you were always impartial and the most cool about it. I hope you know that I cherish our time together from Cinta Mawar and Kalbu, no matter how much we drift apart. Anyways congratulations for another brilliant year in acting. From the start, I knew you were our only hope for the cast. You have always been disciplined, practicing at home, staying in character, doing research, coming on time every training, etc. Your dedication to Intro always impresses me. You, Durr, Win, Zahir and me went through so much crazy shit man in Kalbu. I will never forget. All the passive aggressive texts, trying to get me and Zahir to buck tf up, us not meeting all the script deadlines, sharing personal stories with each other, writing the script at Woodlands AND the masjid till 5am, and all the laughter. So much laughter was shared. It feels like there was no proper closure for Kalbu, cos the four of us never really showed our appreciation to each other/say our farewell properly. No idea why. But well here it is now. Thank you Jannah for everything. You were the first person to make me cry backstage before the final Sandi show. Kau just masalah, aku tengok muka kau je nak nangis. AND even when the final show started, when I saw you singing so enthusiastically (and badlly) at the handheld mic on stage left, swaying left to right even when no one was watching, man that made me tear up too. Never stop being you, the kind-hearted, sisterly figure that everyone feels comfortable being with. Lepak soon, love you baby girl <3 To Durr-baby/daddy: What a guy you are. Even though you’re younger, I’ve always looked up to you from the start. Wise beyond your years, you’ve always been that calming voice for when I’m stressed out with Intro. You always help us out so selflessly, sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable/guilty thinking about it. But its ok because you always show how sincere you are when lending a hand. This year, you’re just an advisor, who doesn’t need to come that often. But yet you attend every training, stood alongside Irfan and I, almost playing the role as the third SM. I appreciate every time you take charge and give out instructions to the crew when you notice that I’m stressed out/can’t lead very well. And you do all this without overstepping any boundaries, always respectful to the two of us. And to think you were and APD and VP of the club last year. If all future exco members follow in your footsteps, i’m sure MCMS will breed an amazing group of individuals. Tapi kau pun satu masalah. I clearly said don’t go behind and see Jannah, you will cry. Kau pergi jugak. Kau just nak semua orang nangis dengan kau hahahahahahahaha its ok bro i understand crying hURTS SO GOOD. Thank you Durr for the countless nights of sending everyone home even when you’re exhausted. Thank you for always keeping me and Irfan grounded in chaotic times. Thank you for the kekek times at stage left, staring at the transitions with me and shakir like its visual ganja, muttering those two comforting words into my ear, “double pivot”, and for always reminding me and everyone that letting out our feelings is fucking important to survive. Love you durrbaby stay sweg A special shoutout to the new friends I made this year, Hidhir and Junie. Ya’ll are just gerek. Thank you for joining our intro family even when you really didn’t need to, and for giving your all for every scene. Firstly I have to say y’all (+ Zahir and Hazeeq) made our saturday mornings a living hell. Wake up late, sick, heavy traffic, phone died, and all the cock reasons ya’ll gave. It got to the point that Junie gave me her house number to call her mum to wake her??? Just hal. Sampai show day dia lambat, faham eh. But anyways. I’m so glad you two decided to join this year. Thank you for being so easy to talk to, as a sister and brother, thanks to Hidhir for welcoming us into his home that one fateful night, for always spreading love and hugs and being emotional as fuck during debriefs. Thank you Junie for being so open with us, always sharing your stories, even tho we never ask. Thanks for pushing yourself even with all the heavy criticism from the directors. If you need your mic box to be checked again, just hmu. To Hazeeq, you alr helped us last year in Kalbu, but this year returned again as another main cast. The best part about Hazeeq is that he is friends with e v e r y o n e and always goes around the room to have conversations with every single person. Proper friendly guy, I’m gonna miss your hugs and kisses every night and your “Sorry I’m sorry....she correct.....I wrong.” Stay gold my brotha, a guy like you is not easy to find so pls make sure you never change.

Last but definitely not the least, my CREW BABIES. Y’all are surely an odd bunch, all randomly coming to help our production. But ya’ll are the best crew I’ve ever seen in my 4 years here!!! Never complaining, even when you come to training and do absolutely nothing. Always understanding towards me and Irfan, listening to what we say, and helping out when we don’t know what to say. Working so hard on the sets and props, ya’ll are always on autopilot and didn’t need us to guide you all the time. Thank you Alfiera (you basic bimbo bish), Aliah, D.Hadi, Hadi Shy, Haziq (ma man), Sheeda, Syazwani (non-tudung), Syaza Aliah (my twine girl u saved my life every show ily) and Zana (my only stage left buddy). I love you all I swear. Special shoutout to DIBO DEE, Dibo baby thank you so much for all your help. You’re so crafty and creative and calm and cool when you do work. I love how your voice changes when its time for serious work and how you go around spreading love and giving sweets to everyone. Can never forget the moaning sounds that erupted from your phone during our dry run hahaha U STAY COOL DIBO ILY. And!!! Special special shoutout to my 3 fav crew girls: Rania, Wani and Sofiyah!!! Idk if ya’ll are my adiks or girlfriends but rest assured I love being around you guys and i’m glad we got close thru this show. You’re all too damn young but trust me if i could I’d marry all of you HAHA. To Rania, thanks for being a walking meme factory, I still can’t believe i’m friends with a 19 year old ffs. But hey you have great taste in music just like me. We can have a date lying down on the beach while listening to the XX and Arcade Fire one day ok. Thanks for shaving your legs for me, calling me every day to pray subuh (I don’t deserve you) and for being so candid about yourself to me. I’ll text you if i’m 30 and single ok pls be my backup plan. God bless you baby girl i love you. To Wani, sorry for saying that you’re too emotional when ya’ll were upset after getting shit for wardrobe things. But you’re so cute when you’re mad?? Hahaha and sorry for saying that you’re conservative (tho there’s nothing wrong with that) just because you’re a madrasah girl. Actually you’re pretty open about everything. Thanks for being a kind hearted person, always looking out for me, and putting up with the nonsense that me and Shakir talk about. Love you Wani if you miss me just hmu and I’ll be there. To Sofiyah, uuuu fuckin’ weirdo. I love how casual you are about everything and how I don’t have to think of what I say around you. Also, I admire how you always kept your shit together even when people were shitting on you about wardrobe things. Thank you for picking up the role despite having no experience in past Introspeksis. You did great man. Continue to participate in the coming years and I hope you get a guy as meaty as Hidhir or has a nice body like mine (#2 best body). Please curb your thirst for skinship and kembali ke jalan yang benar. Hahahahahaha love u Soffy baby see u soon xx And to everyone else, those unmentioned, please know that I love you guys too. Nana, Shaik, Yus and Aishah y’all are my seniors who i look up to whenever we’re doing a show and your knowledge and advice are always valuable to us. I always see you guys as who we’re supposed to grow into in the field of arts, even tho korang berbual merepek 75% of the time. Nana your play-flirting makes me turn off my comms headset but you’re an amazing amazing actor, SM, PD, and now lights technician. My respect for you has always been 10/10. This year you never shout at me, very good. Aishah, your acting has always been crazy good and this year you reminded us again. Thanks for being the big sister figure to all of us babies, while at the same time spewing inappropriate sexual nonsense 24/7. You da besttt. Shaik and Yus, thanks for being the big bros that i never had, always so cool and quiet but so talented with the music. And of course the musicians, who practice so hard every day, hitting the rebana till your hands bruise, coming early everyday to go through every riff/melody/tune and taking all the new ideas from Abang Mok and giving it life. Y’all are so amazing and you continue to be the best part of our shows every time. The dancers, I watched you guys train from the start!!!! Honestly it was very scrappy at first, and you guys went through so much drama and changes and getting shouted at, and of course injuries. All the bandages and patches and ankle guards were worth it cos you guys were amazing on show night, I know because I watched from the side curtain every time. Love the fight song number so much <3 For the rest of the cast, those with supporting roles, ya’ll were equally amazing and some of you even with one scene got an ovation from the crowd. Thank you for the hard work day in day out despite not landing a major role; your patience and understanding made the show what it was; a gathering of unique characters from different walks of life all for a single purpose.

Finally, I’m really sorry if i have wronged anyone in any way, which i prolly have. I love all my friends and never have any intention to hurt them. This shit that we did together was SO special and people will never understand the bond that’s been forged here so I hope these friendships lasts for as long as they possibly can. What Yus said was spot on: there is no “final year” or “last show” because Introspeksi is a family and you can never run away from that :’) Ok PEACE OUT ILY’ALL

[danielxrk]

             ✞ ACOUSTIC + ENG VER *     CHASE ME

given his experience, you'd think daniel would know how this goes; really, he does. he'll blame it on the mental state his singing audition put him in, a little more zoned out than usual which, to be fair can be...mild to moderately zoned out. that's why he forgets that he actually has to stay in this room to show off his special skill, and nearly walks out until the interviewer calls him back with a, "we aren't done yet!"

his face flushes, but he laughs at himself regardless. "oh," he remarks dumbly, scratching at the back of his neck. "right!" thankfully, he brought his trusty guitar along with him regardless, too.

last year, this part of the audition was where he felt most in his element-- tucked away behind an instrument, something he knew he had the slightest right to be confident in. this year, he at least has that again, but the confidence ends here. he went into preparations for this day with determination to show how far he's come in the past year, but he just couldn't escape his ultimate lack of skill. he could show his own growth, but compared to others, how much was that, really?

he tried to find other talents to showcase for this portion; he really did, but most of what he included on his form wasn't something he could bring with him here, unless he pulled up some greek on his phone and read it aloud to the interviewer. he doubted anyone would be able to verify his authenticity in that. it also seemed unauthentic to himself, too, even if it would've better set him apart from the crowd than what he's prepared in actuality. the simple truth is that he just isn't daniel without an instrument. that's how his journey with music started, and if he doesn't bring that with him here, it feels like a certain kind of betrayal, even if everyone on the mgas already knows what he can do. (that's part of why he wanted to do something different, too.)

he wanted to bring his bass this year, just to shake things up, but he heard something about portable instruments, and while he could bring the bass itself, the amp would be a little more of an issue. he has a quote unquote "portable bass amp" that would've still been hard to justify bringing-- could've maybe found a lighter one to buy just for the occasion at the sacrifice of sound quality, but by that point, he was probably better off spending the time and effort on a guitar performance instead. that was what he did, even when finding out sungwoon was going to play electric guitar made him second guess. he got to play the bass on last year's season of the mgas too, in what was surely his most memorable (and favorite) performance he had the privilege of participating in, so he could only hope everyone else remembered that from him, too.

daniel still knew he needed to bring his special skill to a higher level to prove his improvement over last year; just another guitar performance to match countless others in this building wouldn't cut it, at least not for him. he never considered himself particularly competitive or ambitious, and maybe it's not that, more just a desperation to prove himself worthy of the stage, still-- to prove himself worthy of what he's lost for something he didn't even consider a dream a year and a half ago.

so he planned to add a more recently developed skill on top of guitar, and perhaps the one he's most confident in aside from the bass: writing lyrics. but wait, there's more: english, if he hadn't made that clear from his song choices when left to his own devices up to this point. the lyrics are more of an english translation to the rare kpop song he's grown to like than original lyrics, scrawled together a few days before the audition when he decided he wasn't doing quite enough, but his own influences are there, nonetheless.

yet as he sits, guitar in his lap, he second-guesses. the guitar arrangement he planned was intended to just be guitar, not accompanied by his voice, to show off his skill and the guitar's ability to stand on its own, and he isn't so sure if he should sing the english lyrics he prepared after all. maybe there's not anything so wrong with an instrument alone; maybe he has something to prove here, too-- that this by itself can be good enough.

"i'm going to play a kpop song i like," he says regardless, because that much is true no matter what he decides in the next (approximately) ten seconds. "it's by eclipse," and he flashes a smile, and his fingers fall to the strings.

the flow of the intro is easy, and in that moment, he decides if he doesn't show everything he prepared here, he'd be doing a disservice to himself. he isn't guaranteed more than this, and if he doesn't make it any farther, he wants to know he showed everything he has, and so he sings.

i refuse to look at you this time i just want something to thrill my mind i'm so bored of the dreams thought up by empty people

originally, he picked the song just because he likes it, and because he never chose a kpop song of his own volition before. daniel's repertoire of kpop is still limited, even after last season of the mgas expanded his horizons; he never really listened to any of the artists he covered after the fact, but jeongin introduced him to some of his favorite rookie groups and he took a liking to eclipse quickly thanks to the night side of their concept. he didn't realize the lyrics were applicable to anything in his life until he really got a good look at them. now, he sees it as a sort of ode to his alter ego, cameo, and in this moment, he realizes he doesn't know what will happen to him after this.

yesterday it was a thriller what scene shall i cause today? think i'm going to do something to cause outrage

he ends the last line with a strum of all the strings, and the beat in his head picks up, a lead up to the explosive chorus of the original, though it'll be more subdued in this version. the next lines are the most difficult, and in that way, risky, given his short practice time with this compared to the song he prepared for the official vocal portion of his audition. he doesn't think about it in favor of losing himself to the strings and maybe, just maybe, trusting in his voice, however it may be.

i'll sneak out in the dead of this dark night and jump into your dreams so sleep tight just like the fireworks bursting, i'll always surprise you

he knew he couldn't match up to haseul's vocals, so he dropped the baby of the original, choosing to play it on the guitar instead of trying to reach the note. as he sings it, he gives the hint of a smile, something edging on a smirk, maybe because he made it through without any glaring blunders, or maybe because it's his favorite line-- one he hopes to embody throughout this competition.

hear me shout the quiet world will suddenly become loud can you stop it now? can you stop it now?

there's a pause here, between the end of the buildup and the beginning of this chorus, and it's here he decides to let his voice drop and the guitar shine through wholeheartedly. the chorus is his opportunity to show the best of his skill with the instrument, and always contained lyrics he didn't quite like the flow of, so it seems like a good compromise, and it's one he's satisfied with as soon as he plays the first few chords. it's amazing how much more at ease he feels as soon as he does-- something familiar, and the curve of his lips isn't from anything now other than the joy of being back in his element and loving what he does, even if the guitar wasn't his first home. his fingers flit across strings, and finally, it feels like he really has something to show.

it ends too quickly, but when it does, he looks up and beams.

[realtalk-princeton]

Hey Maybach. Your long response was great. Thank you for putting thought and time into this blog. Could you elaborate on the problems unique to Princeton mentioned in the following section?“Are there problems that are unique to Princeton even if it’s only 10% of its total problems? Yes. And pre-frosh should be aware of them and I’m happy to talk about them.”-a different 2023 prefrosh

Thanks for stopping by. Sorry, it took me a week to get to this, I just had a lot of other things I also needed to take care of in addition to answering the questions before you.

As I’ve stated previously, most of the concerns students have at this school are largely similar to the concerns students have at all other elite schools (whether they know it or not).  However, one issue that I think Princeton has that is uniquely “strong” is a cultural preoccupation with prestige primarily through the lens of exclusivity and image. By this, I mean that the campus seems to foster this idea within students that they need to be constantly in the most visible and public elite and selective positions. This somehow permeates all throughout almost all aspects of student life whether it be in performing groups, clubs, work experience, academics, etc. I’ve talked to ivy league students from pretty much all the schools and this last point of this obsession with prestige in almost all facets of the student experience is what is uniquely problematic. For example, while people contemplating self-harm due to not gaining entrance to a social club is not unique (frats and sororities at Dartmouth and Vanderbilt have the analogous issue), what is unique is that this idea of NEEDING to be in these exclusive circles outside of just one particular area is what I find particularly troubling. I can’t tell you how many people come here and they have a passion. Just to give you an easy story, I know a person who was good at playing their instrument and tried out for “performing group x” (avoiding specifics here), but she didn’t get in (they accepted like 3 out of 100 applicants). Now because group x is the most “prestigious” and special group on campus this person lost motivation to practice their instrument because performing group y (the second best group) is not “good enough” to warrant spending time on when Princeton already makes us so busy. As a result, this horrible recursive loop happens where people no longer want to put effort into their passions and the next time they apply they do even worse because of this. There’s a culture of not being able to let go and just do things for the sake of fun or enjoyment. Same thing with internships. “I’m only making $15,000 next summer, but someone I know is making $20k at a company with better name recognition.” People just can’t stop comparing themselves to each other and constantly forming a culture and system of exclusivity based on trying to define as many of our interactions in this sense (whether consciously or unconsciously). Even more ridiculous is that people often base comparisons off of faulty data sources such as social media, which only strengthens feelings of inferiority. I actually read a really good article in the Daily Prince a while ago that was something like “you won the Princeton lottery, now play again to get into exclusive clubs” or something like that. Pretty much it was just talking about just this issue in a better way than I’m describing and how people who just want to do say “good” stand-up comedy vie for like 2 spots with 100 people applying and it creates this terrible binary huge win or huge loss, nothing in-between culture. However, I would like to state 2 big notes about this issue. While it is a problem, luckily it is not competitive between students, only from within. In other words, it’s not like people will go out of their way to denigrate people in less “prestigious” groups and people aren’t cutthroat about it generally. Secondly, there are still a number of people who literally give NO attention to any of this nonsense. They are the minority, but it’s certainly possible to ignore all of this and just be part of casual stuff. For example, there are now numerous clubs on campus that are non-audition based and allow people to put in as much effort as they want.

Another unique problem, I think we have is an excessive academic system at times. However, I think this issue is becoming less and less a problem year after year and certainly was not big enough of a factor to make my experience here bad. As previously stated, grade deflation was quite a bad system, but grades are now reaching all-time highs and the average GPA of each new class is significantly higher than the last. Another old systematic problem was the calendar, which I loathed, which put breaks before finals. This encouraged people to work super hard during the time for family in order to “beat” the kids who didn’t study on Christmas Day to do well in intro classes. It was horrendous and hearing stories of CS kids spending 80 hours on an assignment over the break and still not finishing was just terrible. Luckily, you will not have to deal with this though lol. Our academics were also too rushed with the old calendar and material moved SUPER fast. It’s still pretty fast, but that is expected. However, overall, I would say that Princeton is probably harder and more rigorous than most of our peers. I’ve taken courses abroad and at NYU, and for sure the standard was noticeably lower. I will say though that I learned more at Princeton as a result though. However, for some people, it’s too much and they feel overburdened by our system’s rigor and of course the independent research process. If you hate the idea of research and don’t change this perspective by your second year of college here, I can imagine that your academic life would be quite stressful.

The last major unique issue I think Princeton is a little bit too uptight at times. What do I mean by this? It’s probably a combination of the academic system, modern age, and students’ own egos, but the culture is sometimes not chill enough for my liking. For me, I’ve had to make my experience chill and more relaxed at times and it can suck when friends around you are just stressed out and don’t want to also make time to just you know… have fun. Have people forgotten about that concept? (joke) This is a bubble and at times that is problematic because like I said before, everyone has no sense of comparable reality and thinks they need to be overloaded with work. Obviously, it doesn’t apply to everyone (case and point me), but it’s still worse than most of our peers I think (except Columbia and University of Chicago and a few others that are totally insane). It’s shocking for me sometimes how “in the zone” people are and totally overfocused on their classes, a particular club, and getting an internship. I remember I told someone “did you hear the big news?” in reference to North Korea last year and the person replied “Yeah I know! It’s crazy! my math exam got rescheduled.” People seem to have commitment problems as a result of being super busy. LDR’s are rarer than leprechauns compared to other universities and people just seem to not prioritize things like maintaining familiar and friend relationships enough. This is not to say this isn’t a problem at other universities, but just a little worse here.

Anyway, so I hope you got something out of my candid answers. To be honest, it was hard coming up with unique problems. Only the first one I listed is REALLY unique. The other two are just noticeably a little worse than at the “average” elite school. So don’t think that by going to say Columbia over us is going to make your academic life way easier. Trust me, it won’t.

Edit. I forgot to add one more thing because I personally don’t consider it a “problem” lol. But I thought I’d be fair and put it in. Princeton is uniquely anti-drug compared to other universities. I’ve pretty much never seen weed here (except at Terrace after 2am when all the other clubs close) and hard drugs are extraordinarily rare. Compare this to say Berkeley or Brown and it’s like comparing night and day. We also actually punish students who openly use things like marijuana in their dorms and students have been turned over to the police and/or expelled for infractions such as this. Simple and to the point, we don’t have a very heavy drug culture. People still do them, but generally in more secret and secluded places like a private eating club, Poe field, etc. Now, I don’t consider this a “problem”, but if in the spirit of total transparency, those of you pre-frosh who like the kush ought to know this haha.

[rqs902]

bias explanation tag

ok so @banana-jiayou tagged me to do this about one month ago and me being the forgetful person that i am, am just getting around to it now!!!

nini actually tagged me to talk about either my banana or my mr-x bias, but because i still consider myself as “developing” my bias order in mr-x (altho anyone can probably tell im leaning towards luo zheng) i’ll go with banana kids!! 

you may know already, my banana bias is Lu Dinghao 🌞🌞

(i dug deep into my #ludinghao tag to try to piece together what i can remember of what happened hahahha)

the rest will go under the cut bc i think this is gonna get kinda long....

Idol Producer Era

you may have seen me rant about this in my tags before, but I really did not plan on watching Idol Producer... at all. I watched p101s2 and it wasn’t the greatest experience for me (kenta and youngmin were my favs ;;;) and so I wasn’t too keen on starting another extremely similar show, because I had little hopes that the kids I’d like would make it to the end, so I thought the show would just end in disappointment for me again.  

but! *drumroll please* cue chen linong! (i promise, im getting to dinghao, itll all make sense eventually LOL)

so I forget why, but maybe when I was just on the internet, I heard a LOT about chen linong. (even my friends who don’t watch ip who are just normal taiwanese kids HAVE HEARD OF chen linong. he’s honestly THAT popular in taiwan that regular people who dont care about ip know his name - its crazy!) so i heard he was taiwanese and I heard he was super popular and tons of people loved him. so what did i do? I went and looked up his audition video bc i was like wtf why is this kid so popular?? whats so special about him??

so one audition video, one intro video, one upward!trainee video, and a couple of douyins later, i was officially committed to watching idol producer for chen linong. 

the next step, what do I do? go to wikipedia (LOL) and search up what other taiwanese boys are on the show. i immediately notice 3 of them are from banana ent and banana ent actually also has a malaysian child. (which was super interesting to me too bc i have a lot of friends who are southeast asian and southeast asian representation is super cool!!) and so i watched all of the 5 other taiwanese kids’ intro videos and upward!trainee videos. I’ll be honest, at the time none of them stood out to me as strongly as linong (I just love love love smiley guys, and linong’s personality was so strongly taiwanese and so down-to-earth in his audition video, i just couldn’t resist!) but from there, bc 3 of the 6 taiwanese kids were in banana, I knew to look out for the banana kids. 

fast forward to episode 2, I watch the banana audition perf and dinghao sort of stands out to me because i usually go for the “happy/ mood-maker” member in kpop groups, so when he introduced himself as “小太陽陸定昊” i was like oo who’s this? also im soft for boys with the curved lip smile thing heheh and so in my curiosity to find out who he is, i look him up and find his instagram! (i didnt have weibo yet) and I start seeing pictures like these and I’m like oh my goodness he’s beautiful :o 

but i think julie (@qinfour) was one of the first people i talked to about this, but one of the reasons why i usually like “happy/ mood-maker” members is because I feel like I can relate to them (ie: dinghao) bc I feel similar to them. In high school i was seen as the crazy hyper happy one and people actually thought that i was constantly happy.... all the time... which is impossible. so it was hard for me at times bc when i wasn’t feeling happy, people would discredit my feelings, or as soon as I stopped smiling, people would be like omg whats wrong with you?? so to me, seeing idols who are like that, having a happy, fun exterior but are actually insecure / experiences hardships inside, makes me feel like i can relate to them. 

so anyway, so after ep 2 im already like kinda interested in dinghao (but also still interested in linong and the other banana trainees, but he’s on my radar) and so ep 3 rolls around and this HISTORIC xinfan ep from Feb. 2nd comes with it: 

(in the original video, the banana part starts around 8:36) and from watching this and dyING of laughter at zhangjing being adorable and sassy and dinghao being HILARIOUS, i was like ok i like them, they’re my fav banana children!! (even tho neither of them are taiwanese and i only became interested in banana in the first place bc they had taiwanese people LOOL) and you may be wondering, what about yanjun?? he was really funny in that video too?? but actually yanjun didn’t stand out to me until around “ai ni” bc he was in the same group as dinghao maybe bc i just didnt get his humor as much??? HAHAHHAHA like zhangjing and dinghao were like SO FUNNY to me but yanjun i was likeee okayyy (i love him and his humor so much now, but idk i just didnt get it back then?? LOL oops sorry yanjun) but yea, it wasn’t until “ai ni” that i started noticing him and then gradually it snowballed into i was MADLY VOTING FOR YANJUN by the the final ep and SUPER EMOTIONAL when he made it into the final 9, like my body was shakinggg, i was so happy !!! (i was MUCH happier with the result than i was with p101s2!) 

but anyway, back to the point, I think around this time was when i found out about the “rock the show” mv (it was actually released beforehand, on 1/29 and the dance version 2/6??), and I think i freaked out to violet (@zhu-xingjie) like !!!! wtf is this ?!?? its so good omgomg (something along those lines, at least ;;;) and then after watching the mv i was like ok im def gonna be a banana stan wow they make good music, so talent, super funny members, much visual wow

(tumblr only lets me embed youtube videos, but you can find the official video in HD!! here and the dance version here. id highly recommend watching both if you havent already!!!!!!! the dance version has more closeups???? and i felt even more attacked than i thought was possible after watching the official video???)

and so basically from there, I became a banana stan, focusing on lu dinghao and you zhangjing. and ofc i love zhangjing to bits and he’s so warm-hearted and adorable, but I think I’ll always feel the most connected to dinghao, which is why he became my bias.

some other moments that led me to love him:

his mini chinese lesson because i also struggle with “zhei” but also since then, ive discussed with nini on multiple occasions how weird dinghao’s chinese is?? hahahahahha its like hard to understand sometimes??

4/9 banana boys discussing getting rid of fans at the airport !!!! this is actually one of my favorite videos because LU DINGHAO IS HILARIOUS!!! SO EXTRA WOW

the entire banter with yanjun during the “ai ni” era bc he finally got more screen time!! and also he showed how good of a friend he was to keep voting for yanjun until he just really couldnt anymore

nursery coloring class with chaoze bc dinghao is ridiculous?? 

during the hot pot ep, just watch for any clips of dinghao and he’s probs doing something ridiculous

the banana family scene from the “boom boom boom” era where dinghao shows his insecurity, bc it was a moment where i felt i could really connect to him, as a flawed and normal human who isn’t happy all the time

fun fact: I think this banana boys post was one of the first i ever translated, probs bc beibei was leaving and im soft for that boy too and bonus you can see in my tags that im already dinghao trash at that point bc i freaking had 芝麻糊 for the first time (and bought it with my own money!!) bc of freaking Lu Dinghao !!! (about two weeks later, i bought a whole pack of it at the grocery store....) 

but anyway, so “that’s how the story goes” (gotta include a zzt reference heheh) of how dinghao became my bias... i tried to keep it as relevant to dinghao as i could? lol and i also could be remembering things wrong LOL but basically post-ip, all that’s changed is that i’ve realized dinghao is even weirder than i first realized HAHAH BUT I STILL LOVE HIM. 

some additional fun moments: 

this interview where he describes roasts all the other banana trainees

watch “sawadika banana” if you havent already and you’ll get some GOLD dinghao moments like this crazy mess and other hilarious shenanigans

idk if its been subbed yet, but this bazaar interview is one of my fav dinghao / yanjun / zhangjing videos bc theyre so funny!!! i was literally laughing the whole time, its so fun to watch c: 

im not gonna tag anyone else to do this, because it does take quite a while (3 hrs for me LOL) but its fun if you have the time to reflect back and if anyone wants to do it, id love to read your story as well!! 

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Random typing (and some asking) advice

1. Patience is a virtue. People who are good at quickly typing someone often spent months studying MBTI first. If you’re new to MBTI, typing yourself will be slow.

2. Tests suck, study the functions. Keys2cognition is probably at its most useful if you’re totally clueless and have minimal understanding of the functions, but if you’ve read about the functions already you can still probably figure out the questions and sway the results. Don’t bother with tests if you’ve started and are still stuck. Refer to point 1. Keep studying.

3. If you identify with all the functions (or enneatypes) from several sources but not the holistic descriptions, chances are the holistic description you’re using sucks. If you identify with much of a holistic description but not the functions/enneatypes, it’s probably not right.

4. If your MBTI/Enneagram combo is unlikely you could be unusual, you could be right about one system and wrong about the other, or you could be wrong about both. All I can say is that if you ask me and don’t provide further information my guess is that you’re wrong about one of the types, just based on probabilities (which are all I have to go on in this case).

5. More generally most things are possible, fewer are probable. Ask what you actually want to know and not “is X possible”. 

6. This also goes for “What would a 417 INFP so/sx look like” questions. You’re begging the question and chances are you’ll find something in my vague description to confirm what you already think.

6. And on that note you are probably average. You are almost definitely not some shining exception who has fully developed your inferior function at age 18.

7. Be brutally honest about the following: your behavior over time (not one-off actions, but repeated sustained behaviors), your motivations behind your actions and preferences, your fears, and whether traits you see in yourself are common among people in general.

8. Dichotomy tests aren’t good but using some dichotomous techniques (thinker behavior vs feeler behavior) isn’t terrible. I find Keirsey quite obviously biased and inconsistent in many ways but he did actually observe behaviors and find similarities, and those observations are not without some truth. Just make sure to back them up with functions.

9. Typing before age 13-14 is virtually impossible and most of your behavior from then is going to fall under either confirmation bias (ie, once you’ve typed yourself as a young adult you’ll look back and say “oh yeah that could have been a sign”) or will be just stuff that kids do. I can say for certain when people send me long messages about typing - which is helpful because there’s a lot of information to go on!  - I still pretty much ignore anything from before age 12. If you can audit a neuro/cognition class or psych class, particularly one that touches on general neuro/psych development I highly recommend it for this and for my point in 7, that some things are just normal for humans. (I also just recommend it because it’s fascinating - I took intro to neuroscience and a cognitive neuroscience class in college and loved them).

10. Having personal preferences for certain functions or enneatypes is fine - you will not get along well with everyone, and that’s normal. It’s important however to remember that a. they probably don’t like everything about you either and b. your opinions are not facts.

11. If you’re looking for me to tell you you’re special or deep or whatever you’re going to be disappointed.

12. Think about how you’re going to use MBTI. Do you want to look at memes and know which one is you? Then if you mistype, it’s fine! You can always revise it if you figure out. Do you want to undeirstand yourself and others better/use it for self-improvement? Then if you mistype it’s still fine. I make a big-ish deal about mistyping due to biased descriptions but you can always revise your type as you learn more about yourself. This is doubly true if you’re in your teens. You’re still developing a lot mentally, and I don’t think anyone I know was really aware of MBTI until around age 17-18 anyway, and most people I know in life don’t really use it or care about it. There’s a lot of paths to self-knowledge.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ MAIN RAP NO GUNWOO...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Gun CURRENT AGE: 26  DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: KJH ETC: this member is the most heavily involved with production and lyrics.

IDOL IMAGE

no gunwoo – no, gun, is atlas’ stone, atlas’ rock in more ways than one.

he is: rough around the edges.

they tell him not to lose his daegu accent, not entirely. to let it slip on purpose more often than not. to not let people forget that he’s just a country boy at heart who had a dream, a passion for music and risked it all by coming to seoul to pursue it. they say not to censor himself too much, either, let a cuss word or two slip every now and then, let his face betray all his emotions sometimes, even negative ones when he’s annoyed or angry or confused or sad. if you’re feeling down, post some thoughts on the fan café, maybe go live. obviously, they say not to do it too much or at the wrong time, but just enough to give off the feeling that he’s genuine, unpolished, not some cookie cutter idol. he won’t be relatable by any means, but real. believably flawed like anyone else. just a daegu boy who happens to rap because he wants to.  

he is: stubborn. or, in nicer terms, strong-willed. immovable.

he’s the poster boy for ‘if you just work hard and take risks you can do anything you want’. from the country to seoul, from no one to someone, from giving up his artistic integrity for the first few years of their career to risking his entire life to get it back and not backing down, not caring who he threw under the bus. in the end, gun seems to have gotten everything he’s wanted and they leverage that, too.

of course, atlas as a whole stands for hard work making the dream work, but gun’s inherent stubbornness is played up just that much more. like when they tell him to talk about how long he takes to produce tracks sometimes because he won’t let it go until it’s exactly how he imagined it. or to talk about how he couldn’t dance worth a damn and almost got kicked out of the tentative lineup, but, well, look at him now. he still can’t quite dance anywhere near as well as the rest of the group, but that’s fine, they say. that’s all part of it too, because now his ability to follow choreography as well as he can is the product of pure hard work with no natural talent to back it up.

he is: foundation.

when it comes to atlas’ music (post 2015), gun is a large part of the foundation it lies upon. he’s not the only one, of course, but he is often the one they turn to when questions about their music come up. about the concept. about the lyrics. about the meaning behind it all and the process with which they came up with it. they tell him to go all out, go ahead and answer with technical terms to show he has a deep understanding. this is what he threatened to leave for, after all, so he may as well make use of it. show the people that there was good reason kjh yielded, that he knows what he’s talking about. that atlas’ music is good because “of course, the members helped write the lyrics” or “of course, the members helped produce it” or “as expected of self-producing atlas~”

he is: well grounded.

with gun, what you see is what you get. he is confident sometimes veering on cocky, he is decisive often veering stubborn. he is real, genuine, flawed, human, just with a particularly strong passion for music. at least, that’s the vibe they want him to give off. a real, serious musician.

it’s a precarious image, to say the least, still manufactured in its supposed genuineness. an image he has trouble balancing because sometimes he’s not quite sure anymore where gun ends and gunwoo begins.

(if he begins anywhere at all anymore).

IDOL HISTORY

— intro: the most beautiful moment in life i pretend to know the world but my body is still not ready

no gunwoo is born in daegu in the middle of winter and spring and this sets the tone for his childhood.

he is the middle child, the awkward transition, the unwanted and accidental. the classic case of the second child of three. he’s born when his parents are hoping for a daughter after already having a son, and that foundation of disappointment never seems to disappear as he grows up. everything he does pales in comparison to his hyung of 2 years if his parents have anything to say about it, and this quickly takes a toll.

everything becomes a competition and he’s already two years behind. so he just tries that much harder, at least in the beginning. his grades are good, and at six he picks up the piano after minwoo picks it up too. none of it matters, though, because minwoo is first in his grade and can play their mom’s favorite classical music while gunwoo’s stuck in the middle once again and his little hands can only do so much on the piano keys.

even when gunwoo rises in class rank and bikes back home to their little farm on the edge of the province excitedly to tell them, minwoo’s already there with an award for some math competition and a sign-up form for another one waiting for their signature. even when he’s now eight and has practiced piano at his grandparent’s house for the past year almost every evening to play his mom’s favorite songs, minwoo’s already there telling them about a recital  he’s been asked to play at.

he’s always two years too late and his parent’s don’t expect anything from him. gun is ten years old when he learns how to accept that.

he stops studying in the library after school and explores the city with friends instead. his street smart grows while his grades drop, and his parents just act like they’ve known it all along, that they’re just proving him right, that, as expected, he can’t amount to anything anyway.

soon enough, anger replaces his desparation for their approval.

he acts up in class and comes home late, he starts fights and comes home with cuts and scrapes and bloody bandaids, he finds hip-hop music that sounds like what he feels and the seed is planted, watered every day until it blooms later in his life.  

the only thing that stays constant is his love for piano and his little sister. jiwoo, at least, has always been the light brightening up the shadow behind minwoo he stands in. the only one whose eyes sparkles when he plays her favorite songs for her, who congratulates him when he comes home with good news, who is happy, proud even, to be his family. he’s just three years older, but he likes to claim he’s raised her as much as his parents have, has protected her more than they have (if the guy that ended up with a damn near broken nose has anything to say about it).

and so jiwoo is the reason he still holds onto the name gunwoo to this day, but it’s also jiwoo who helps him become gun.

— interlude: wings this is the path you chose, don’t doubt yourself, this is only the first flight

when gunwoo is fourteen, the seed blossoms. his love for hip-hop evolves into something more than just an interest in the music, but in an interest for the process of creating it, too. performing it, writing lyrics, producing the beats.

he spends the time he used to spend studying and playing piano penning his own lyrics to already made songs. he picks up odd jobs from his neighbors and from the grandmas he’s gotten to know in the city to pocket as much under-the-table income he can come by and buys second-hand music equipment he can then call his own. he uses free online tutorials to teach himself how to use the software then just goes at it. he creates and creates and creates.

it’s all rough, of course, but it’s something. it’s his and his only. it’s something his brother’s never done before and it’s something he loves, something he’s done for his own personal interest only, something he wants to keep doing.

he’s seventeen when jiwoo shows him a way for him to keep doing it by way of a kjh audition flyer. he resents the idea of becoming an idol, but after one particularly bad argument with his dad gets all of his hard-earned music equipment thrown out the window and broken beyond repair, he bikes into the city, into an audition he’d been subconsciously been preparing for for years.

when they present him with an offer, he signs right away.

when he presents the same to his parents, they sign even quicker.  

to get him out of their lives, he assumes. but not without one last comment about how he would probably fail this too, anyway.

he tries to forget their words when he moves up to seoul, tries to ignore it, but it stays with him for years

otherwise, the move to seoul is just as difficult. miles away from all his friends and jiwoo and the city streets he knows by heart, the river, the isolated farm, he feels more alone in the most populated city of the country.

so he throws himself into training. they all do, of course. but for the second half of his teenage life, it is almost all he knows. the company makes it clear that their next group will have a heavy focus on their dancing, and gunwoo is anything but a dancer. what takes others minutes takes him hours to learn. he gets frustrated easy, remembers those words he keeps trying to forget, and it’s the anger that boils every time he remembers them that motivates him to never stop. he practices in the tiny dorm until others tell him to shut up. he sits outside the doors, the windows of dance classes provided at other dance studios that he can’t afford and tries to mimic them on his own time. he stays up at night with his stomach grumbling and his eyes heavy producing song after song after song to show the company that he has something to bring to the group, despite his weakness.

it never gets easy, but it becomes routine and seoul is no longer scary. no longer lonely. he finds friends, he finds his passion in music like he’s never done before and with proper equipment and training at his disposal, he prospers.

he busks at hongdae, he performs at café open mic nights, he throws together a soundcloud account and gives himself the stagename gun. he posts tracks whenever he can and when he posts his first mini mixtape at nineteen, the response is more than he expects. it’s nothing much in the grand scheme of things, but it gets passed around a little, and when he requests to book performances, some organizers recognize his name, his music. it’s euphoric, getting on stage and hearing a few people sing along to his lyrics. his music. his work. it fuels him, drives him to release another mixtape the following year to the same amount of moderate success, drives him to train, train, train because if this is what it feels like to be on stage, to make everyone know your name, then so be it.

he’ll be an idol.

he’ll be gun. if gunwoo is fated for failure, at least gun doesn’t seem to be.

— outro: tear i’ve woken up from the sweet dream and i close my eyes

when atlas debuts, he gets to keep his stage name because it fits their image at the time and with his moderate success at least around the hongdae scene, they think it may bring in some fans.

they’re wrong.

when he sees their debut concept, he’s –

well, he’s upset. but he’s an idol, so what can he do but go along with it?

the seeds of doubt have already been planted, though, and they only grow the more they prep. the choreography is hard, the styling feels gimmicky, and the music video does too. it feels like everything he never wanted to do, it feels like tarnishing what he’s done so far as gun underground, and it just feels. miserable. he feels miserable.

useless, too, like his father always said. because nothing he suggests gets taken into account, waved off instead. because he’s just a prop, or at least that’s what he feels like and everything in him sinks.

they debut the day after he turns twenty-one to little fanfare but plenty of criticism, those who were fans of his mixtapes commenting he’s sold himself out, that they’re not looking forward any longer. he agrees.

but he’s an idol.

he performs on stage because that’s his job, but the euphoria isn’t there like it had been underground. replaced instead with some sinking feeling he doesn’t know how to define at twenty years old. doesn’t know how to get rid of except with anger, with alcohol.

his drinking starts with just a shot or two of soju upon returning to the dorms, snuck into his room and hidden from their managers. then shots turn into bottles, and dorms turn into convenience store fronts. then his anger bleeds into his work environment and some staff leave blind items about him on pann.

no one ever guesses his name, though, because who is atlas anyway?

two years into their career and the public still refuses to respond well to their releases. two years, and the company still refuses to listen to his, and the other atlas members’, ideas. and so two years is how long it takes for gun and the rest of atlas’ rap line to band together and threaten for what they’ve wanted the most, what gun has always dreamed of: having more creative control with the group direction.

it’s a huge risk, he and the other boy knows this. going behind the other half of the group’s backs, risking their contracts, their livelihoods, their chance in this industry because if they fail they know there’s no chance in hell anyone will take them in anymore. but it’s a risk they’re willing to take, and one that pays off massively, because to their surprise: they get what they want.

and the public loves it too.

suddenly, they’re thrust right into the spotlight.

suddenly, there’s more responsibility shoved onto his shoulders.

but gun loves it, thrives in it. the stage feels better, now, the feeling he’s missed from all those years ago returning in full force. the music feels good, too, the lyrics. because they’re now actually his in part, songs he can proudly put his name on, songs he will gladly ramble on and on about on vlives and interviews.

there’s a crack in the atlas infrastructure, but gun thinks it’s all been worth it. even if they are running a marathon now, and have been for four straight years. it’s not without consequences, of course. what used to just be small pann rumors and blind items of some nobody idol being an asshole to work with, or of some nobody idol supposedly dating around the stylists and flirting with fans, with other idols and every girl he ever collaborates with are now rumors of an idol everyone in the business knows and have become very real threats to the image he and atlas have built up.

now the pressure and stress keeps building and building, weighing heavier with not only the threat of those rumors blowing up, but now also with every new milestone reached, every comeback, ever growing expectation.

and so slowly but surely, the euphoria fades again, replaced with worry, with burden, with feelings of not being able to meet impossible expectations. with his parents words from all those years ago resurfacing and reminding him that he’s never good enough.

now, it’s only a matter of time before gun cracks, because even atlas shrugged while holding the weight of the world.