#i kinda wanna draw about it but again. its 4am. go the fuck to sleep why dont you

[dizzybizz]

we have these baubles with a bunch of our family's names written with these glitter glue pens or whatever they are

and this time around my mom changed mine to my new name

and i kinda wanna cry about it

cause i walked down the stairs to the living room and i saw them all resting on towels and drying

i sat down on the couch to just look them over

i was searching for my bauble but i tried to act like i wasn't, don't think i was actually too subtle about it but i pretended

there were baubles with the names of our pets, half siblings, nephews and i found mine

and my mom had changed it

i had a hunch she might've, it's just like her to do something like that

but idk i guess it just kinda really drove home the point that i am accepted and this is all real? it's not some elaborate daydream or something i came up with after fantasizing about coming out and all

im just feeling some trans joy

sorry it's 4am i can't sleep but i am thinking and feeling and my family accepts me and im just overwhelmed with it all and ahshdjfjfjshhdnffmmgvm..... y'know

[thick-chops]

11 questions

i was tagged by @beneguinsophiebatch thank you very much n_n. Tagged people can tag me again if you want, I love answering questions :P

SO the rules are to answer the questions I ask you and to add 11 more questions for the people you tag

1) What should exist as a course of studies that you’d definitley take? i would take a class on how to actually read and watch all the books and movies i keep on buying and just don’t watch/read them. it could be called “How to get your shit together”

2) Would you want to know when and how you’re dying? Why (not)? Yes please, that way I could actually try to enjoy myself a little more... or not, still many terrible things could happen to me :/

3) Do you have a donor card? Like an organ donor card? beacause if so, yes, yes i do.

4) What do you do to get your head cleared? Just listen to music and sing or write smut, it actually helps !!

5) When did you last shut your mouth bc you knew explainig why the other people around you are /so/ wrong wouldn’t be worth the effort? What were they talking about? it was just yesterday when my uncle mentioned how I had to celebrate Father’s Day and all that shit and I was like, Dude he cheated on my mom what kind of father does that and gets celebrated for it, but of course me uncle doesn’t know about it so I just shut my mouth and rolled my eyes,

 6) What is something you hate, but is considered to be loved by everybody? Ugh so many things xD, but recently I kinda hated the new Gorillaz’ album even tho I have always been a fan.

7) What is typical for you? Err, I don’t go out much so I typically stay at home and write, draw or watch a film or I make crafts! I love DIY. 

8) How do you sleep? BAAAD, my sleeping schedule its so fucked up, like somethimes I sleep 10-12 hours sometimes 8-5, usually because i go to bed at 3-4am

9) What is the one thing your best friend does that drives you crazy? I don’t have friends!! I just have one xD, my uncle and it drives me crazy when he treats me like a kid, i’m the youngest in the family, I guess it’s inevtable

10) One superpower you wish you had? mind control >:), but like something subtle, I don’t wanna turn people into zombies.

11) What is the thing you would never ever do for all the money in the world or for someone you really really love? Pretend that I don’t love that person.

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My questions :)

1. If you could teleport, where would you teleport right now?

2. What is your favorite meal of the day?

3. Do you believe in aliens/monsters/ghosts?

4. Whats your favorite scent (it could be a person’s scent)?

5. What was your last dream about?

6. Favorite AU for fanfics?

7. Do you like coffee? why/why not?

8. Would you like to live in another countr, where?

9. One place that makes you happy?

10.Would you dye your hair? what color?

11. What were you supposed to be doing instead of answering these questions?

Done, I’m tagging you all because I appreciate that you follow my tiny blog! you are free to answer or not :) @frecklefaceb @b-j-d @jojuarez26 @kenzieam @jaihardy

[trillgutterbug]

in which a 4am note-writing session turns into shitty nic/geoff camping fic

-So I’m sitting here thinking, how would it happen, Nic and Geoff, finally getting their shit together?

-Not in a bar, that’s too easy.

-Maybe camping tho.

-Except I can’t see Nic going camping for shiggles, not at this point.

-Well

-Unless he’s just…. going through some stuff and he mentions it to Geoff sort of in melancholic passing one night, installed at the pub on their sixth round, lights low and fuckin kenny rogers on the juke, mentions that he wants to go back out, see how it is in the woods at night by himself when he’s not drugged or terrified out of his mind.

-And Geoff is like, Haha okay buddy but try this on for size: no fucking way are you going camping out there alone, you need a big strong man to protect you.

-Nic sort of grins a little sleepy and drunk at him and says, You’re not that big.

-Geoff grins back, leans across the table to do a bicep curl in front of Nic’s face. Yeah alright, but feel this, he says. Go on hot shot, give it a squeeze.

-Nic does, giggling, says softly, Yeah okay. I guess you can come, you passed the test.

-So they go out camping that weekend. Just for the night. They don’t go far, a respectable hour’s walk, nothing any casual camper wouldn’t do.

-They make a fire and Nic says no thanks to the beer Geoff brought; he wants to be on top of his game, clear-eyed and clear-headed.

-Geoff doesn’t drink any either. Nic tells him it’s fine, it’s not a thing, but Geoff says, Nah man, no way, if you’re sober I’m sober. I’m your muscle, right?

-Nic looks down into the fire and smiles a little and doesn’t answer.

-They talk for a long time, about growing up and their school years and Geoff’s tours and tv they like and the hobbies they had as teenagers (LARPing and karate respectively, and it’s not respective the way you’d think) and and and

-Natural and quiet and relaxed, long past dark.

-Nic says a few strange things after a while, nothing overt, just shit that makes Geoff pause and squint at him across the fire, rambling morbid questioning things that trail off into silence.

-Sorry, Nic says, shaking himself, chuckling with embarrassment. Um sorry, that was weird. I didn’t mean… anything by that.

-Nah man, says Geoff, poking at the fire with a stick. It’s cool it’s cool, I know you’re a fuckin nerd, no point apologizing now.

-…Right, Nic murmurs, in that soft amused way.

-They go to bed, to their own tents.

-Say goodnight to each other, close and clear even though it feels like they’re miles apart with those thin walls of nylon between them.

-Geoff lies awake for a long time with one hand pressed against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. He’s breathless, wrenched with tender protective longing all the way through.

-He’s in deep fucking trouble.

-He sleeps for a while, and then he wakes up. He knows something’s off. It scares the shit out of him.

-He scrambles out of the tent nearly panicked, sure there’s something wrong, that there’s danger.

-Nic’s tent is wide open, empty.

-Geoff finds him with the beam of his flashlight at the edge of the woods on the other side of the cold ashy fire. He’s just standing there in his boxers and t-shirt, staring into the trees. He doesn’t answer when Geoff calls him. It’s like a fucking horror movie. Geoff’s a brave motherfucker okay but he’s wigged the hell out.

-Nic? he says, sidling up beside him. Buddy? You okay?

-Nic’s eyes are open, but he’s just staring. He’s breathing slow and even. Geoff touches him and he doesn’t startle exactly but he sort of shivers all over, like he’s coming up out of deep water.

-He says, I had a dream.

-He describes this dream slowly, the words sure but the memory fading. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, it’s about flowers and flying, a smell and a light. It trails off.

-Geoff says, You wanna get back in your tent buddy?

-…No, Nic says. I want to… I wanna stay out here for a little while.

-Alright, Geoff says, but aren’t you cold?

-No, Nic says. Laughs. Of course I’m not cold.

-They sit down in the leaves and the dirt. Geoff describes a silly dream he’d had, just something to talk about, to fill the unnerving quiet. In the middle of it, the middle of his sentence, Nic sinks down and curls up with his head in Geoff’s lap.

-It makes him stammer, stop, say, Ummm haha okay hi?

-Don’t stop, Nic sighs. I like your voice.

-Oh, Geoff says. Oh. Okay.

-He talks and talks. After a while, he realises he’s stroking Nic’s hair, just a soft careful petting, thoughtless.

-Nic rolls over to look up at him eventually. He reaches to touch Geoff’s face, trails his fingers down the curve of Geoff’s jaw. 

-I like you, he says. You're… a good friend.

-Thanks, Geoff says through the lump in his throat.

-When Nic draws him down, he only hesitates for a second. They kiss easily, tenderly. Geoff’s heart tries to pound out of his chest. Nic is so much more confident than he’d expected, unhurried but determined, his hand firm on the back of Geoff’s neck. 

-His mouth makes Geoff rethink the entire world.

-They kiss for a while, deep, slow, and then Nic sighs again, sleepy. He burrows deeper into Geoff’s lap. 

-Talk to me some more? he asks.

-Geoff can hardly breathe, can hardly think or speak, he’s so full of everything all at once and it’s huge and overwhelming and trembling, but he clears his throat and croaks, Yeah alright, and goes back to talking.

-Maybe a half hour later, Nic shudders all over. He gasps and sits straight up. He looks around in bewilderment.

-Geoff? he says. What are we… Why are we outside? Am I– Am I…?

-It takes a second, but Geoff realises. Like a sick horrible curdled wave crashing over him, he realises. 

-Oh, he says. Oh. Uh oh. Uhhhh I think you were… I think maybe you were sleepwalking? You didn’t want to go back to bed, so…

-Nic is clearly embarrassed, but too confused and disoriented to make it a Thing. He says, Oh well thank you, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

-Geoff tells him, Hey don’t worry about it, it was fine, I didn't… I didn’t mind.

-He is sunk beneath the crushing weight of his enormous disappointed guilt.

-Let’s get you back to bed, he murmurs, and takes Nic to his tent. Gets him inside and sort of crouches there outside the flap, Nic squinting sleepily at him in the beam of the flashlight.

-He has to say something. He’s heavy with guilt.

-He says, Hey so, I just gotta tell you, I’m not gonna be that asshole who… Um anyway, I’m really sorry, but I sort of. I sort of kissed– Well, we, back there, before you– before you woke up, I didn’t realise you were sleepwalking, I swear to Christ I didn’t, but uh– we sort of made out? A bit? Not a lot! It was just sort of, uh yknow heat of the moment, I don’t know man ha it just kinda– kinda happened, I’m real sorry, I never would have– if I’d realised. I’m an idiot, clearly. Let’s forget about it if that’s cool, I’m not gonna get… get weird on you or… or anything, I just wanted you to know. 

-We made out? Nic says. He doesn’t look angry. He looks kind of puzzled. We kissed? he says. Just now, over in the… We kissed?

-Uh yeah, Geoff mutters. We did, sort of.

-Sort of? What does that mean, sort of?

-Well I guess I just mean… nah, it wasn’t sort of, we did. There was… kissing, yeah. Makin… Makin out, haha (rubbing the back of his neck, face on fire)

-Huh, Nic says. Well that’s not… too surprising.

-Its not?? Geoff says.

-Well, no… Nic sort of shrugs one shoulder, ducks his head. I’ve kinda… I mean I’ve had… Sort of a thing? For you. For a while. Yknow…

-You’ve. You’ve had a, uh. A thing. Geoff stares. For me. For a while.

-Is that weird? Nic says, but not like he actually thinks it is. Like he thinks Geoff is being weird.

-No no! Geoff says. No. Ha no. Nah. Not weird. Kind of um. That's… good. That’s good right? You’re not upset? That I uh

-No, Nic says. Shakes his head so his hair falls in his eyes. No I’m not… I’m not upset.

-Okay. Geoff rubs his sweaty hands down his jeaned thighs. He laughs, nervous relief. Okay! That’s– good! I’m glad! Wow haha, I was really… really worried for a sec there.

-Yeah, Nic says. Hey do you… want to sleep in here with me? For the night? Not to do anything, not like that, just um. I’m kind of. I don’t want to be… (by myself, he doesn’t say)

-Yeah, Geoff says, breathless, a little fast. Okay, yeah.

-He crawls into the tent with Nic and shuts off the flashlight. They wedge themselves into Nic’s sleeping bag. It’s silly and it’s too small and it’s amazing. Geoff wants to die in every good way. Nic cuddles up against him, head tucked under his chin, against his chest.

-Geoff squeezes his eyes shut and just reminds himself to fucking breathe.

-(In the morning Nic smiles at him sweet and close and says, I know morning breath isn’t like sexy or anything, but since I missed all the kissing last night……. could we maybe do an encore?)

-(And Geoff doesn’t even say yes, he doesn’t need to, he pulls Nic into him like the closing of a set of parentheses)

-(Nic is late getting to work, but that’s okay, that’s what interns are for)