#i kinda miss when they just messaged me
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truly bonkers that this site will flag vaguely nude drawings at the drop of a hat but I can be presented a random women's entire pussy as a recommended post at any given moment from a bot
#i kinda miss when they just messaged me#the bots here are so crazy at least its like X with all the cryptos#god the shit we deal with these days lol
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#PHEWWWW HI GANG#im writing this via tumblr web so bear with me but i hope everyone’s 2025 has started off well so far !!!!!! a lot has happened on my end#(the good and the bad but we are thugging it out!)#i’ve received very wholesome messages from my lovely moots which i’ve taken a sneak peek of and will be replying to when i get the time !!#anywho! i don’t know when i’ll be back on here bc my creative juices have been DRAINED so yeah :C i didn’t wanna leave completely so i#archived my acc for a bit while i sort things out :3 — my reason for doing so is mixed really. more on losing motivation and just basically#stuff to worry about irl BUUUUT i missed you all so much and me being here and making a post means its kinda getting better on my end so ya#prob not relevant but i’ll enable my asks again if anyone wants to leave anything so that i can come back to it again when i log on sjdnksj#also also i’ve been watching ‘the apothecary diaries’ s2 and its so amazing !! i also started ‘a sign of affection’ and let me tell you how#much i was kicking and rolling around my bed KSNDKSJ#gaming-wise i recently pulled for c0 arlecchino but lost her weapon to clorinde’s weapon 😭🙏🏼 but shes amazing and i love her gameplay sm!#AND AND OMG LADS.??. WELCOME BACK CALEBBBBBB OMGGG i havent done the main story yet but i’m excited !! i know ppl have mixed feelings over#him and his actions but hes so up my alley so ik im gonna be eating it up hehe. i did manage to pull for his standard 5 star which is#exciting too !!! anyway i want to try and get back into writing again because my mind has been brewing yet another heavy chrollo angst 😽#(i love putting my husband through grief)#or maybe i’ll start w finishing off a couple of loose ends from the fics i never finished 😭 (i’m so sorry)#welp that’s all from me !! i love u all <3
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I have a Mighty Need for your First Time for Everything continuation.
You and me both, Poni! (there would be a crying laughing emoji here if I was on mobile)
I made like barely any headway yesterday on part 3, but I'm still trying to juggle not sleeping well with work + school, so unfortunately fun things like writing and hopefully soon drawing are taking a backseat for the time being.
Kind of.
I'm still making time for it, but I also can't afford to like... dedicate as much time as I'd want to solely to writing fun stuff. The inspiration is there beneath all the extra shit, it's just hard to say 'Alright here's my hour or two of writing time!' when I'm exhausted and frankly too brain-dead to think and write cohesively.
Plus, I've been chronically online for a long, long time and I'm kinda trying to shift that this year because being online for too long (especially in a community like this) isn't healthy for me personally. I just tend to get sucked in and spend hours doing absolutely nothing productive or even relaxing or fun. It's purely doomscrolling.
Anyway, TL;DR: Part 3 is in the works but I have no definite date, nor will I have one until I can settle a lot of stuff outside of this space. It's super nice to know that someone's looking forward to it though! :3
#greyrambles;#greyanswers;#tbh if it weren't for this fic and the small community of chill people i like on here i'd... probably delete this blog#it's kinda hard to like feel i belong anywhere online these days when it comes to bigger groups of people#like jack/septiceye posted a video today talking about how being on the internet feels SO anxiety inducing now-a-days#and it struck a chord with me bc that's how i feel when i log onto here#who unfollowed me who blocked me who sent me a shitty message and tbh?#i don't need that in my life#it's why i deleted MOST of my other social medias in the first place#some people weren't meant to be so overloaded with information and contact and shit#it just drains me#BUT#There are parts i would miss deeply like getting to connect with people who also like stuff i enjoy too!#and the fire prompts/takes#so it's like i'm /here/ but my time is limited for my own health#which should and is always going to take priority over any content i may make :3
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My friends don't hate me, they're just busy.
My friends don't hate me, they're just busy.
My-
#hitting that fun point where my brain starts insisting that my friends are secretly think I'm annoying#it doesn't help that I'm not getting an answer from like three of them?#which happens every so often#one of them (who was my best friend) actually ghosted me like 2.5 years ago and i'm still recovering lololol#the other two drop out of contact sometimes cause Mental Health Issues#it's just not helping that they both did it at the same time this year#one of them it was like less than a month after i flew out to visit her in person#so that's great#we're like two or three months into no reply from her#and my last friend from high school that still lives in the area doesn't really hang out without me setting it up#i realized that and decided to hold off on asking to hang out after work to see when she would start sending messages#one month in and nothing#i know it's kinda dumb to do the wait to set when they message first thing but I was kinda curious to see#i honestly thought she'd text something by now#instead i'm coming to the realization that maybe i don't matter that much to her?#maybe she doesn't even like me#when we meet up we talk about her work and life a lot but it feels like she doesn't pay attention when i talk about mine#like i'll be talking about work and she'll be on her phone texting her boyfriend#i've made some new friends but i'm no one's best friend#god i miss having a best friend
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VV was and is always my favorite performance from Jimmy and Sea. It's such a great story about love, friendship......and the COLORS, goshhh the colors 😭 your gif make me feel so nostalgic
SOOOOOOOO TRUE OF YOU TO SAY THAT ANON VICE VERSA WILL REALLY ALWAYS BE THEE SERIES™ LIKE EVERYONE ON THAT SET WAS ON A MISSION TO PUT AS MUCH CRAZY PEOPLE JUICE IN THOSE CREATIVE DECISIONS AS THEY POSSIBLY COULD AND BY GOOD DID THEY DELIVER
they simply gave us everything!!!!!!!! colors symbolism cinematography storytelling originality imagery characters' growth the soundtrack of all time the breaking of the 11 episode curse the reflection on the self friendship family accountability romanticism parallelism soulmatism true lovism actor sea tawinan outselling outslaying outperforming everyone and doctor jimmy showing up on set every single day to gaze at sea with a love so all consuming and full of yearning and a devotion so palpable and plain to see it drives people to the brink of suicide!!!!!!!!!!!
every week was just win after win after win and then we got our skyy 2 and proceeded to win some more we literally won so hard that i could actually taste the colors they used in the show IT REALLY WAS SUCH AN UNPRECEDENTED UNPARALLELED UNMATCHED TELEVISION EXPERIENCE I GENUINELY MISS IT EVERY SINGLE DAY NOTHING WILL EVER COMPARE
#sorry for kinda losing it under your message anon i just. yeah ;;;;;;;#i miss vice versa even when im rewatching it#i miss vice versa even when im sleeping#this show flashes before my eyes every time i so much as blink#it really is THAT bad#im not a big fan of second seasons for BLs but like. I WOULD SURRENDER ALL MY MORTAL POSSESSIONS TO GET MORE VICE VERSA#ANYWAY. sorry again anon ;;;;;;;#but im so happy to know im not the only one who loves and misses it!!!!!#your message made me so happy so thank you!!!!!!#hope you're having a wonderful day!!!!!! 💜#vice versa#m: ask
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*waving awkwardly at whoever happens to be walking by* Just a little heads up (since I guess I feel weird not giving any sort of notice?) that I’ll be making a point to be on here much less going forward (not disappearing, I’ll still be around, but probably only popping in now and again)… At least for now! Summer is always a difficult time of year for me, to be honest with you, and being chronically online definitely won’t help with that. So… Yeah! As per usual feel free to @ me to make sure I see something (y’all can also dm me lol no need to be shy). 💜
That’s it! Again just felt like leaving a little notice aha… Anyhoo, y’all take care and be safe :] ✌️
#BUT for the little handful of people I chat with on Discord-#I very much do want us to stay in touch and encourage you to message me liberally about literally whatever#Rat… Countless… Fey… I mean you know who you are I think#Cal you’re included in that implicitly too haha ik we don’t talk directly all that much but we’re friends and we really oughta keep intouch#Anyhoo that’s it yeah!#Like I said#summer can be pretty rough for me#On the one hand I have a very romantic view of summer#On the other- it tends to be when I’m most prone to falling into depressive episodes#Alsoooooo- I have to admit that while I’m very grateful for this fandom and all the cool people in it that I’ve met#I often kinda miss when listening to it was more of a thing I did with myself if that makes sense??#Well now I have a few closer friends that I absolutely still want to talk about the show with-#But overall yeah I think at least for the next bit I want to go back to enjoying the show without all the fandom stuff attached#Well. AHA I’ll still be around like I said just- okay this is such a long ramble for nothing LOL typical Baba…#:3 Listen take care and don’t be shy if ya genuinely wanna keep in touch is all#💜
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please contact people you love if and whenever you want to (even if it's been years or months) because people remember you way more than you think !!
#— alathea speaks#in 2019-2021 i was a really into editing anime on instagram lol#and i lost contact with one of my friends on there when i kinda just picked up and left#but mid last year i messaged her bc i thought of her often and missed her a lot (it'd been like two ish years since we last talked!!)#and she literally replied back today saying she missed me too#i'll cry#also like last year an online friend that i was really close with in 2020 wished me happy birthday even though we hadn't spoken in ages#love is so real
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that moment when you think about a friend you haven't seen in 2 years and you realize wow the attachment issues are strong with this one
#just blahs#kinda rant/vent in the tags bcs i feel like maybe writing it out will make me feel better but making it as a part of the post seems too much#anyways lmao#said friend was basically my first real friend that i can actually remember and we were literally inseperable for the like . 2 years we had#but then they had to move away#and yeah i technically still have their discord and i can (do) message them every once in a while#but like . im constantly worried that maybe they wish i just stopped#Im always the one to reach out to them first mostly because like every once in a while i literally just sit and cry bcs i miss them#and i have no idea if they miss me too#because they were literally such a vital part of my life but maybe i wasn't as vital in theirs#maybe one day ill actually talk to them about all this#maybe some day I'll tell them that i have a playlist dedicated to them that i listen to sometimes when i miss them and want to cry#maybe some day I'll tell them that i still always sleep with the little plushy they gave me the day before they left#maybe some day I'll tell them how much i want them back and if maybe . just *maybe* they want me back#or maybe some day they'll tell me they've moved on and that i can stop checking in on them every few months#maybe theyll tell me that its weird that i *havent* moved on#because its been two god fucking damn years#thats plenty of time for me to just forget about them and move the fuck on .#its not like i don't have new close friends anymore . bcs i do . but theyre not *them*#i just want to know if they miss me even just a bit as much as i miss them#i need to know .#idk#i really shouldn't be allowed to stay up until almost 4 am lmao#anyways . might delete this in the morning we'll see#I'm just in a missing them mood rn im fine
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While I won’t deny that misogyny definitely plays a role in it, I also feel like one of the reasons people tend to want to focus more on Blitzwing than on Blackarachnia in fanworks is the same reason people are so obsessed with the secret bosses in Deltarune: the overall mystery surrounding his character.
Blitzwing and Blackarachnia are both unique, one-of-a-kind models, so people are naturally going to have three questions running through their minds upon their debut: what happened to them, what led up to that point, and who they used to be beforehand.
However, despite Blitzwing making more appearances than her, there’s still so little we know about him in comparison with Blackarachnia, who basically has her entire backstory revealed to us in her first spotlight episode. Even the information we do get regarding his past raises more questions than it answers, and that information’s Schrödinger’s canon at best. Fans are naturally drawn towards mysteries, so of course they’re going to be more interested in making content exploring and trying to solve those mysteries rather than just restricting themselves to stuff they already know.
I feel like the writing team showed their cards too early with Blackarachnia and left people with much less of a mystery to play around with other than “is techno-organicness reversible” and “will she cure herself or accept herself for who she is”. I think that maybe if they had had her make more appearances and held off on revealing her backstory until much later, while maybe dropping subtle hints of her knowing Optimus and Sentinel from somewhere and having once been an Autobot, people would feel like they had much more to work with.
(Also, from what I’ve seen, most Blitzwing fans are well aware of the ableist portrayal of his character but are usually neurodivergent themselves and thus have reclaimed him in a sense, alongside portraying him in a much more accurate manner to real-life DID and OSDD in fan works while still acknowledging that he’s an alien robot whose processor is much different from a human brain and thus would logically not be a complete one-to-one regarding analogous disabilities and mental disorders.)
So, I have been admittedly sitting on this ask for while bc it's been hard to digest and fully think about the points being made here. I don't want to get defensive on an impulse so I wanted to kinda stew on it a bit and read it over and over to see how my thoughts change. But really my thoughts are the same as when I first saw it which is most of this? Really just reads as excuses for Blitzwing's popularity that distract from the real causes being sexism and fandom's bias towards conventally attractive characters.
I want to go through this point by point but the TDLR; almost everything said here is also true for other characters who are very much not as popular as Blitzwing usually bc of sexism or not being the kind of characters the fandom cares to pay attention to. Sure you could point out all the things Blitzwing has that BA doesnt and say 'those are the things that make him more popular' but that ignores all the things BA has that Blitzwing doesn't. [Motivation, a personality, complexities, story relevence, she's not a horrible potrayal of the mentally ill, narrative focus etc] That the fandom just pretends don't exist and barely awknowledge, you can't just shy away from the reality that Blitzwing massively benefits from the misogyny present in this fandom because he's ur fave and you like him. That's only being complicit in it and turning a blind eye to it. Sure you could project a lot onto a bland male character and say you like him but you should also keep in mind the female characters who are ACTUALLY complex and interesting characters you tossed to the side to focus on him. I get that you 'awknoledged' the misogny in the first bit of the ask, but when you follow that up with... That it really doesnt come accross as genuine.
Anyways I'm gonna disect this message and talk about why I simply do not buy it.
Firstly
"While I won’t deny that misogyny definitely plays a role in it, I also feel like one of the reasons people tend to want to focus more on Blitzwing than on Blackarachnia in fanworks is the same reason people are so obsessed with the secret bosses in Deltarune: the overall mystery surrounding his character.
Blitzwing and Blackarachnia are both unique, one-of-a-kind models, so people are naturally going to have three questions running through their minds upon their debut: what happened to them, what led up to that point, and who they used to be beforehand."
I'm going to be blunt, this is something SO many characters in TFA have going on. Lugnut is a great example of a character who has way more screentime than Blitzwing [remember Blitzwing disappears by S3 and is replaced by Shockwave as an evil minion but Lugnut stays] but is still almost entirely a mystery in terms of backstory motivation etc. But Lugnut is almost NEVER the center of fan content unless being made to be the butt of the joke and when he does appear hes usually just used as a tool to progress Blitzwing's character, someone to pressure him abt being in the cons, someone to be mean to him, etc.
But Lugnut is an entirely unique design with a helm look no other character has and claws that resemble the ones given to empurata bots in IDW. We don't even know why he hates the autobots so intensely but seeing how fucked up the autobots are in TFA why isn't there more theorizing about what exactly they did to make him need to see their downfall so badly? To the point where Lugnut is constantly at the feet praising someone who he doesn't even know would throw him to the side and leave him for dead the INSTANT it was convient for him.
You could say people don't explore it bc its played as a joke but so is everything about Blitzwing's character, esp his DID which is in increadibly poor taste. No, it's because Lugnut is fat and 'ugly', the fandom has no interest in him, same way they have so little interest in Bulkhead compared to other characters. He's just not hot enough to become the little sexyboy of the fandom. So he's tossed the side same way Bulkhead is. Not to mention characters like Arcee also have a ton of mystery surrounding them but they're women so...
"However, despite Blitzwing making more appearances than her, there’s still so little we know about him in comparison with Blackarachnia, who basically has her entire backstory revealed to us in her first spotlight episode. Even the information we do get regarding his past raises more questions than it answers, and that information’s Schrödinger’s canon at best. Fans are naturally drawn towards mysteries, so of course they’re going to be more interested in making content exploring and trying to solve those mysteries rather than just restricting themselves to stuff they already know.
I feel like the writing team showed their cards too early with Blackarachnia and left people with much less of a mystery to play around with other than “is techno-organicness reversible” and “will she cure herself or accept herself for who she is”. I think that maybe if they had had her make more appearances and held off on revealing her backstory until much later, while maybe dropping subtle hints of her knowing Optimus and Sentinel from somewhere and having once been an Autobot, people would feel like they had much more to work with."
Gonna be honest these paragraphs really piss me off LMAO, BA's mystery goes so much deeper than the two questions provided here such as the fact when trying to cure herself it's almost always potrayed as painful and life THREATENING! The mystery and tension of her character isn't' will she cure herself and can she?' its whether or not she will KILL HERSELF trying to cure her disability. Will she leave the cons? Will she grow to become a better person or keep spiralling down into evil? Fans are drawn to mystery sure but only when that mystery involves a sexy man, when it involved a woman character whose biggest mystery is whether or not her self loathing will kill her, its uninteresting and not worth their time, if they even bother to awknowledge it instead of just making her a scary villain/abuser for their male faves to be sad.
I also have to ask on this point too, fans tend to HEAVILY ignore any canon Blitzwing has either way, nobody awknowledges the bigotry towards organics/techno organics he displays, nor the levels of cruelty so why does canon even really matter in this discussion when as far as fanon is concerned it doesnt? It's excuses. It only matters now bc now people wanna justify the reason BA is a mean evil woman and Blitzwing is a sad puppy boy with so many complexities in fanon without facing the actual reason that is.
And while we're talking about things Blitzwing has that BA doesn't let's talk about all the things BA has that Blitzwing doesn't.
She's not a horrible potrayal of DID
She has complexities to her character beyond being an evil minon for the sake of being evil whose also 'the Crazy one'
She has narrative importance
She got told she should fucking die by one of her friends bc he hated her scarring so much.
She is shown to at least somewhat care for others when she spares Prowl and Bee despite not having gotten her part of the deal.
She has likely faced that sort of bigotry all the time and had to flee her home bc of it.
She has so much mystery behind how she joined the cons, why she joined the cons when they seem to show the same disgust to her as the autobots.
She's an interesting character.
I could go on but I'm not going to. F- on this point.
Now the last point which to me is the most BS
(Also, from what I’ve seen, most Blitzwing fans are well aware of the ableist portrayal of his character but are usually neurodivergent themselves and thus have reclaimed him in a sense, alongside portraying him in a much more accurate manner to real-life DID and OSDD in fan works while still acknowledging that he’s an alien robot whose processor is much different from a human brain and thus would logically not be a complete one-to-one regarding analogous disabilities and mental disorders.)
this is just not fucking true, 99% of content of Blitzwing I have seen either has people declaring him good rep [I have seen this several times] or is just talking about how sexy he is, its very very rare the horrible potrayal of his disability is awknowledged. Hell Blitzbee has such a deathgrip on the fandom and one of the nicknames Bee constantly uses in that content is BLITZBRAIN, literally making fun of his disability more. Not to mention how much of it is purposely making the scary disabled character scary on purpose. I'm not saying you cant enjoy or consume that content but you seriously have to be dumb to think the fandom is aware of or cares about this issue.
Also on the 'making him more accurate' I've never seen fanon do this truly and honestly. Where is the childhood truama? The awknowledgement that DID doesn't work the way Blitzwing shows it? I almost never see any fan content that wasn't just copying what TFA potrayed with him. Where are you finding this?
And lastly you can't just say youve 'Reclaimed' something and suddenly its okay, Hasbro knows how much this fandom loves TFA Blitzwing, you guys spend money on him you praise him you dont talk about how bad rep he is. If Hasbro rereleased TFA Blitzwing right now so many fans would flock to get him not even thinking about the fact THAT ENCOURAGES HASBRO TO THINK THAT THIS POTRAYAL OF THE MENTALLY ILL IS OKAY. This is just an excuse to consume content of Blitzwing uncritically to produce content of him uncritically! What about all the times DID swag polls esp ones involving good rep for them INCLUDED BLITZWING?? Did the runners of those who might not even know what TFA is say it was okay to send in a character who is clearly a mean spirited potrayal of them?? You can't just say Blitzwing is reclaimed and therefore its okay, you guys haven't even properly awknowledged all the things wrong with his character being a horrible potrayal of DID enough to get the sense to not fucking submit him into polls abt it. Let alone to produce half decent content of him.
Anyways thats it, I dont mean any of this aggression directly towards you anon, writing and posting a bad opinion on the internet does not justify harassment or hatred, but I dont feel a need to pull my punches when the fandom has been justifying this for so long, therefore. I didn't. I said what I thought of this message and if others agree then maybe I have a point.
Either way this is a discussion long Long overdue so Im putting this in the tags bc I think this fandom seriously needs a wake up call.
#tfa#tfa blitzwing#tfa blackarachnia#transformers animated#maccadam#maccadams#transformers#ramblez#note Im tired and working on a lot of school stuff rn#if you send me a mean message or ask or whatever Im prolly just gonna block u bc I do not have the time to get yelled at by strangers rn#another thing is this ask bugs me bc Ive said this before but#if you see my posts complaining that a female character deserves more content than her male peers#and ur first instinct is to defend the male characters you kinda missed the point-#I dont want more blitzwing hate in the world or whatever#I want more BA content so flocking to defend him kinda misses the point entirely and really shows the priorities lmao-#not to mention if the fandom really does like Blitzwing bc hes mysterious and therefore can be any kind of person they want#why is fanon Blitzwing just a worser written ver of BA-#they are such similar characters in fanon stuff but BA is almost always used as nothing more than#a mean scary woman to victimize the men around her#that or when they are together its for shipping which is worse in my opinion#the fandom almost constantly only uses BA as eye candy for the men#usually optimus but its usually jsut as bad whenever she paired with any other men#esp sentinel he basically told her to kill herself I-#I just want content of her that awknowledges her character arc and struggles is that so much to ask-
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literally why the hell am i always so anxious to call out of work
#marine myths rambles#like... worst that could happen is they fire me for calling out too much. but then i get to find a new job (is not too fond of current job)#(mostly bc of how the higher ups treat their employees. i actually quite like most of my coworkers n the actual work isnt tht bad sometimes)#(i just think the owners dont fkn know how to properly compensate or take care of their employees. its kinda wack. anyways.)#i guess i just need more ways to say tht i cant come into work bc i feel like im repetitive#literally as i was typing the last tag i got a message asking abt when i can make up the hours. like...#i offered a day tht works for me but apparently not for them bc its too many hrs for me in one week?? idk but im just like.#what do u want me to say. im already working extra days bc i was asked to. n u want me to make up the hrs im missing??? huh???#imagine if i quit rn. (i wouldnt bc id rather have another job lined up before leaving my current job if possible. but the thought is There)#anyways off topic as all hell but im thinking abt changing my url should i just do it n not say anything? would anyone care even?? lmao#would love to hear any thoughts and opinions (abt both the url and my work sitch if uve got em tbh)
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i am mostly in this picture
except it's the book
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I wonder why
#Jurassic Park#the book is DEFINATELY better on this one#you kinda miss the point with just the movie#also#i've read the book multiple times#and the scene with the t.rex getting out of the cage and attacking them is scary as fuck in the book#it STILL gives me nightmares when i read that part#nedry's death is horrific#not to mention the waterfall#it has been my favorite book since i was like 11#and it still holds up#yes the science is very wrong but it's a science FICTION book#and was written in the fucking 80's#and the “science” was only used for a light base for the actual story/message of the book#oh look it is me#the baby in the opening
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im sad again
#reading this poster that a bunch of people from my freshman year dorm filled out sending goodbye messages to each other#and so many people described me as sweet and talked about how they couldn't believe anyone would ever think i would hate them#bc i had talked before about how a lot of people initially thought i hated them before i got to know them#and that was just kinda a fact i internalized about myself that i wasn't approachable and came off as mean#so when i read all those messages my freshman year i was upset bc i thought nobody must've really known me#but fuck maybe they did know me. maybe i didn't know me#and idk i guess i'm just sad bc there's so many things you miss out on bc you don't know yourself completely yet#like all throughout college i could've been meeting new people with a different mentality and view of myself and probably would've made#better friends that way#whatever. we move forward#shut up hanna
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Hi, a mutual who shall remain nameless here. I just read your tags on on the inner Mongolian child post. And like. I dunno how to say this, but that took me by surprise, cause I was so sure you were older than me... and I am 33 years old lol. Guess I was wiping l wrong 🙈
no i totally get it omg i’ve got the Elderly Problems like woodhouse (specifically s1e2 11:55) ‘my knees’ but also my hips .. my back … my assbole but im older than u anyway <3 my child
#asked#anonymous#ALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSLA#it’s like it begets the question ‘WHY 😭😭’#but no it’s …. it’s fair#ALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLAKSKAKLSLA#i’m a Mess#i love anons bc this could literally not even be a mutual like literally anyone could just say that#but#also i follow more than 1500 ppl i think so a mutual could Truly Be Anyone & i love that abt me#BUT I KNOW SOME OF YALL#u know#parasocially#i don’t trust tumblr so i don’t send messages here u gotta get me elsewhere ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLAKSA#like i know tumblr reads all them 😭😭😭#i still think of everyone as my children but also it’s kinda insane like when u die now the internet is essentially forever#like u will literally just always be able to access a dead persons accounts or postings whatever as long as the host is available#so like if the person is anonymous u know it’s just ‘they disappeared one day’ or if like instagram u know usually they will have like ‘rip#miss u so much’ etc things on some posts correlating to a death#but it’s like. hmm. do i want myself to be that available ? for a public memorial to be there ? regardless of possible intractability ? i#don’t know#it’s kinda like ‘do u want to be apart of ur own remembrance ?’ not as like ‘do u remember them as a person ?’ but i mean like do u want to#be remembered at all ?#like countless people have died but not all are totally remembered. sure drawings or a child’s homework here the individual but they’re just#otherwise known as ‘1million people lived in this city at this time period’ & that’s it#but now the internet is so personal it’s so ingrained in daily life#how do u want to be perceived or how do u want people to have the ability to perceive u once u have died ? u know what i mean ?#i guess this kinda just stems from i saw this fundraiser weeks ago about an artist in gaza literally doing her e-painting while the planes#were overhead but then it just stopped - her posting - like i had gone to her twitter before i got to the bottom like the latest addition to#reblog & her posting just stopped. so i went back & found out she died. this was weeks ago now but still
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i wonder what cupcake thinks about the fact that they’re on my mind practically 24/7, nowadays
#🧁#if only they’d tell me *hint hint*#nah but i miss you and i wanna talk!!#gimme attention!!#or on a more chill note; hello how are you?#things are terribly boring without you :((#you’ve been the only reason i use this app lately#bc it all feels kinda lame if i can’t talk to you <3#even my beloved succ/tomgreg posting#it all just feels more fun when i can talk to you while i do it#or anything really#i’m slightly procrastinating doing stuff bc i wanna chat#is it terribly selfish of me to want you to drop everything and just talk to me all day?#probably but 🤷🏻♀️😈#avoid all responsibilities. talk to gwen.#gonna make that a subliminal message that i beam to you somehow <3#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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#tag talk#all this turmoil is definitely related to me being unable to get one of my psych meds refilled#and yeah I probably should have gotten on top of that instead of letting myself run out#but my psychiatrist hasn't messaged me back and instead of messaging anyone else I've just accepted my fate#which is characteristic I guess. I lack agency. lack self advocacy.#I can't get my meds so I just resign myself to the worst two weeks I've had in a while as my body quits it suddenly.#and it's been rough. hella stomach issues. struggling with appetite. difficulty stomaching any food I do eat.#and I've been me for a while now. R is gone and I can't find her. she's hella checked out and I just have to wait for her to come back.#I tried reaching her this morning and I can't find her. the stomach issues and the constant headaches and just pain in general drove her of#I guess. so I've been on my own which is weird. even when I'm running things she's usually still backseat gaming#but I'm alone in my head and it's kinda lonely. I miss her. I want things to level back out so she comes back.#she's the one with the drive. the motivation. the laughter and fun. I'm just dour and stoic and I miss her#I don't want to go back on the psych meds. I don't want to risk this kind of thing again#I want to learn to handle my mood swings on my own. want to learn to deal with it myself instead of having this chemical risk#because these last two weeks have genuinely been hell and I don't want to ever risk this again. so no meds again#I'm still on the antidepressants and I want to stay on those. but not the mood meds. too much of a risk#idk. my head isn't clear right now so maybe I'll decide to go back on them. maybe R will put us back on them when she's back#we'll find out I guess
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in love with your novels in the tags, they're so much fun to read - @softvikings
thank you!!! i have so much fun writing them and i love hearing that they bring other people joy as well, these are Our Tag Novels now 🥹💕🥰
#you GUYS cannot keep getting away with this. you’re gonna make my heart explode 💗💗💗#keyboard WHEN can i have a butterfly hearts emoji. please!!! 🦋🫧💖✨#i am gonna wax poetic a little bit about community and joy and also this is your standard personal update in the tags so skip if ur want#but i have been in the process of a really big change in my life!! kinda struggling!! feeling a little scared and lonely!!!#and then i get to come here and hang out with all of you who left me such lovely messages and i get to share in the collaborative joy#of creation and interaction in so many ways#(case in point!! you reblogged a post i rambled about with something that just set me off in a WHOLE new fun direction [that post is on its#way lol] and it’s just so fun to see everyone build off of each other and share and make such beautiful work. as always i love you gifmakers#i love you writers I love you artists I love you archivists I love you video transcribers and article translators and readers & commenters#& all the infinite ways that you can share and be creative with each other!! I love you human connection and love.) anyway. sappy as all#get out and i AM about to put my ass to bed and wake up and answer everything else and post everything else tomorrow but i had to get it#out into the world hanif abdurraqib style that i love you and i love y’all#liv in the replies#softvikings#do NOT let me forget to come here tomorrow. i have a post that’s been waiting a week because i missed wip Wednesday i can’t do it again 😭😭#dear nosy anon i did not forget you i promise i just wanted to abide by the tumblr days of the week schedule 😭😭 i see you i love you bestie#anyway again good night sleep tight i will be tucked up snug as a bug and cozy replaying all the messages in my head.#if you have a favorite Novel tell me!!! i want to know and odds are so good i want to daydream about it with you!! that’s how i met laura 💕#& also how i started talking to c &songs&swords &tofumilanesa &alexandra &everyone lol. as mentioned i will Yap &I love listening to u too
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