#i kept sending screenshots of these to my qpp i was in stitches

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Okay so..... so, like ... I was NEVER a „cockles“ shipper, destiel YES TOTALLY, sure but I just never .. I thought there is no way. Like, I’m gonna be honest I could always see how almost everyone had a crush on Jensen, including Misha, and he said some outrageous and obvious stuff so I thought okay you know it’s probably a joke but most jokes have SOME truth to them so like I kind of felt like Misha had a friendly crush on him and that’s where the jokes come from.. but I thought whatever but I just kind of stumbled upon your masterlist and I thought .. I do not ship this .. but you know what if i‘m so sure of my opinion I can let it be challenged right? Like it won’t change my opinion so whatever but like ... I’m not even done with the first post and I feel like I have literally gone off the deep end, I don’t know how I landed here .. and the weird thing is okay so I have watched EVERY CONVENTION but just because I loved the crew right I never saw the shipping. Destiel, YES, but cockles no. And the main reason I always thought it was a bit ridiculous was that Jensen always seemed VERY reserved to me and also maybe a TINY bit homophobic. I‘m not one of those people that says he’s actually homophobic but like .. the way he always INSISTED that destiel was not real and that Dean was not bi, I thought okay it’s probably because he relates to Dean a lot and he’s not quite comfortable with then questioning his own sexuality so he says he doesn’t see it that way, whatever but at this point when looking at the post I‘m just like ??? And while LOOKING at the post I found another thing, MAYBE you mention this somewhere I haven’t gotten that far but I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS RN!... okay so in the Jib 9 panel ... at 25:56 Jensen talks about Danneel and he talks about how she‘s his rock and like ... someone in the comment just linked the time and said sth about ‚look at mishas face‘, right? So I did and he looked kind of .. not mad or anything but maybe a bit miffed to like ... not be included in Jensen‘s speech? You know? Like if ANYTHING, if any of this is real I obviously think the same thing you do which is that they are ... all in a relationship? I don’t know I feel insane even typing this out lmao but I fell into this and now my brain has latched onto it like ?? What does it mean. Anyway, so... so he talks about her being his rock and Misha looks a little bit down and then he stops and people applaud and then JENSEN says: „I will say this however: she might be my rock but I have some amazing pebbles in my life“ and puts his hand on misha‘s shoulder and taps it a few times like a reassurance .. wtf.. and Misha does this exaggerated laugh like .. it’s Hard to explain but yeah if you’re good at picking up social cues and stuff you know what I mean, like he’s being complimented and he felt a bit bad and has this little moment of lightness now... And he strokes his shoulder back and Jensen like has this little smile on his face .. I knew this clip, I have watched that clip and I always just heard it as „Jared and Misha Are my pebbles“ right? But ... he doesn’t look at Jared, he doesn’t address Jared and he doesn’t even gauge the audiences reaction it literally feels like he said it to just Misha bc he also touches his shoulder and only looks at him .. and like a second before he said it even, he looks kind of torn up about smth like he feels bad about just mentioning Danneel because that’s all he can say ... like I would never doubt he loves her but maybe that’s not -The whole truth? I don’t know, I don’t know WHAT is going on... but this is like ! ! I literally feel like wtf! I hate this I don’t want to be a weirdo about this haha, I would never be weird about this to them and like why do I care, I don’t know them but it’s just like this huge ❓ in my head and I can feel myself getting fixated on this haha. Because I DID always see and feel the chemistry they had, especially on camera. But I have just fallen down this rabbit hole and like .. wow. Anyway. I‘m gonna continue reading the post haha.

oh my god, anon, bless your soul, you have been on a JOURNEY this night haven't you. i say this with love: it has been a delight watching your breakdown unfold ask by ask, and i have laughed my ass off. again, said with love.

however, i'm going to put the rest of your asks under a read more so everyone else doesn't have to scroll the whole way if they don't want to lmao (though if you're a cockles fan i recommend it, it's adorable)

OK ANOTHER THING. I am the anon from before so: I JUSt Remembered Jensen accidentally called Misha „babe“ in the Gish thing or whatever?? And like JUST TODAY I saw that and I was like no haha no way because I would not have even considered this. It’s not even that I didn’t see the chemistry, I‘m a huge Destiel but it NEVER oocured to me for a second this could be anything actually real and not just a FanShip. So ... he said babe. And like that’s not even in the question, we heard it and the interpreter‘s face and reaction says it ALL (btw have you made a post on this too? I would just be curious to see a more in-depth thing? Maybe anyway) but I THOUGHT it was like a genuine slip up thing of the kind where you call your teacher ‚Mom‘ or your friend by your sibling‘s name because your brain is booted up to say it .. so like he would be used to saying it when he FaceTimed his wife while in Canada and so he accidentally says it .. granted it came very naturally AND he does fumble around it awkwardly .. in a way that‘s not „oh haha oops didn’t mean to say that to _you_“ and more like „didn’t mean to say that in front of PEOPLE“ and then Mishas smile and the interpreters face yeah but I thought whatever it just doesn’t mean anything, it just didn’t occur to me... but now when I think abt it my brain is making like printer noises because I‘m like ??? What? Did he say BABE?

Wait sorry, I got my parts all mixed up, just FYI I meant I was done with the second part! I for some reason missed the first part haha. So yeah. The more I’m looking at this I’m like ... wow. Wow? It is so obvious ... like I don’t want to say it IS true but it SEEMS true.

I am SO SORRY FOR SPAMMING okay I am SORRY! But I just I keep going into this deeper.. I’m actually only looking at part 1 now I got the parts mixed up anyway... so what the fuck I am just in this now, like I made this tinhat so I’m gonna lie in it... because another THOUGHT occurred to me. What if ... the reason they didn’t make destiel canon(canon as in on-screen actual romance and intimacy) was because of cockles? Like what’s your thoughts on this? I’m sure you have thought this all through a 373828 times better I have been here for 3 hours but do you any thoughts on this? I would LOVE to hear!!

I am so sorry I am still writing about this please obviously if this is just spam like you don’t have to answer hahah obviously I am so sorry... but I just want to say I have NO reservations left... like I’m still at post nr 1 mind you lol... wtf ... wtf wtf how did I not like get it before? I THOUHT LIKE IT WAS JOKES?? But some of the stuff like ... it makes zero sense as a joke ESPECIALLY if it isn’t “performed”. The intimacy and some of the awkwardness around “slip ups”that make NO SENSE if it’s just a normal comment and not a SLIP UP. Wtf.

Also: I have to get up to go to work in a few hours what am I doing. Fuck.

ALMA WTF THE ALMA THING ???? I am physically like ... I am just ... do you know the feeling when your whole world fucking changes on its axis LMFAO. Because it’s not like I didn’t know 75% of these clips I am a massive SPN and destiel fan so I KNEW THE CLIPS but I didn’t ?? I just didn’t . Understand. Wow. I just - WOW. I am so sorry, again.

Ok last ask I swear ok I swear. But I just wanted to say... ignore all the shit I said about “not believing it” or whatever .. this is ... like ... I have am a science oriented thinker okay, I like proof, I like facts and THIS looks .. like proof and facts. I just please... I very much respect that there is an unspoken rule about NOT ASKING THEM ABOUT IT. And like You said .. they do ... say all of this stuff themselves and as long as their actual real life or their privacy are not invaded like ... what I WANTED to say was I that I am not merely wearing a tin hat but a tin COSTUME but also I don’t think this is a tin-anything! This just is ... like it just exists this is me rely basic observation and it’s crazy ... to think I didn’t see it. But I just also didn’t especially go looking for it because I just didn’t care about the actors TOO much I just loved the show and characters. So now that I’m looking at the actors ... yeah. I just, yeah. Wow. Truly.

I’m an idiot and a fool to think you didn’t know about the “pebble” I just saw it in the compilation ... I feel like I offended my boss or something .. of course you knew you have the fucking masterlist .. please I stand corrected and I stand put in my place because I knew ... abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING before this and now I feel enlightened, I actually feel like ... like I my world view has shifted. Wow what the actual fuck.

Okay I wanted to write one last thing ... so I‘m done with the masterlist .. I also have to go to work in like .. 3 hours, ...anyway. I couldn’t have slept if I had WANTED to I think my heart rate was dangerously high. So ... I have concluded that this is fucking real. Like... there is no way there’s NO WAY it isn’t I‘m sorry... I just ... I also want to say that you are MASTER of this, you have ALL the links and all the info and I fucking .. i will have to calm down .. (I know I won’t be able to) and go to work and check it all out again afterwards with a clear head ... because this was just WOW! Just wow. Absolute WOW! Now that I‘m through the list my „before cockles“/disappointed destiel brain that NEVER EVER would have even COME CLOSE TO IMAGINING this is like wow I can’t believe it but my LOGICAL brain is like what the fuck is there to not believe, this is literally... everything is there. I am literally speechless... I am a HUGE destiel fan. I shipped them, I read all the fucking fanfic, I watched every episode a million times I watched all the videos, the cons, the amvs and edits and even some cockles videos slipped and OF COURSE I loved their chemistry of COURSE I loved them I couldn’t get enough I was BAFFLED by how IN LOVE they seemed and it didn’t occur to me that ... it could be real. Not just dean an Cas and friendship chemistry but REAL. I just knew they both had wives and thought it must all be fiction then but really, genuinely, my perception of things has shifted. I NEVER would have even come close to dreaming this up before, literally, and I will also say, destiel has like taken control of my life the past months lmao... since I finished the show i spent so much time reading and even writing fic and just thinking about them?? And I don’t really do this, like I had my two ‚ships‘ when I was like 14 and new to that but I just was never big into tumblr afterwards again or into any series that would WARRANT shipping and I could never get that excited about some of the ships people would love and talk about idk but they, they just fucking literally stole my heart in the show and I kept saying why are they so close? Wtf i UP with the chemistry it made NO sense that they would all deny it was written into the show but then have WHAT WE HAVE in the show like I could never make it make sense and it never fucking left my brain, there was such a DISSONANCE to what I was told and what I was seeing and when I tell you I had been consumed by this and it genuinely worried me like when will this go away, because I can’t imagine it will until SOME type of confirmation that yes, they both loved EACH OTHER. And really when I say that for the first Time in MONTHS this craving for destiel has subsided and been A LITTLE sated I mean it. I‘m not saying this to dilute what they have by making it about destiel, I‘m saying 1) this was a healing experience and 2) i understand now why I was so STRONGLY connected to this ship of fictional people, when it is not even something I OFTEN do. And I understand why it kept bugging me like some puzzle that was just unsolvable and my brain kept trying to put into place. And I can say ... the jigsaw have fallen into Place. (1/2)

I WILL say also: the one thing I, even back then could never make „line up“ with my belief that they are not dating are the TOUCHES. Especially the cheek kisses, caressing the cheek, the neck. Like, even then when I was just fully oblivious, I was like that is so weirdly close for total BROS. But I thought whatever ... maybe thats just their kind friendship how should I know? But uh yeah. Yeah. Wow. Out of all things, genuinely what I feel is such a giddy warmth like .. if you look at the fucking clips, you watch jensens face, you read the Alma POETRY? They must be so fucking in LOVE. To an extent that is insane, that I barely ever see like fucking ever. I don’t know ANYONE IRL who acts like that. And that’s also why It never clicked, like no COUPLE, less even a secret one, would act so over the top so it must be a joke, right? But wrong. Yeah. I still can’t believe. My Destiel heart is bursting, my heart that loves LOVE is literally exploding and I am just ... I feel sated. I feel at peace and calm but also giddy and happy wow and like I’m gonna explode. Thank you for the masterlists. I literally just wish them happiness ...

Also i just, for the first time in a long time, managed to rewatch the confession scene. And it hurt 100x more because I saw every single expression on their faces and I just thought... wow. They really love each other. And I thought about how dean was silenced .. ... I tried to stop thinking about That bc it made me sad but yeah watching it in the new light? Insane, just absolute ... like incredible levels of emotion and just ... I literally feel like I’m on a high. I am so serious about this, I feel like this could power me without sleep, without anything, for like a week. This level of elation and happiness is just wow. I haven’t felt this in a long time maybe literally not ever lol. I mean it. (2/2)

OKAY, that's all of them. 😂again, bless your soul, sweetie, you have had a fucking TRIP speedrunning cockles revelation all in a few hours.

no need to apologize for spamming me; i am a fisherman, my masterlist is bait, and i enjoy returning to find that i have a juicy catch on the line. i've snared many people with the masterlist, but it never stop being entertaining.

i'm not really sure where to start here, but trust me, i feel you. cockles is pretty much one of the only things that allows me to have any peace after the destiel debacle, because yeah, at least this love really does exist in the world. at least this is real, and we get to see it. that gives me a warmth in my heart and a few lonely sparks of serotonin in my brain.

iirc one of the only direct questions you asked is if i think the reason destiel didn't go (fully) canon is because of cockles, but tbph, no, i don't think that was the reason. i don't think the execs give a shit whether two of the actors have a relationship; they only seem to care about their own homophobia, and their deeply misguided notion that jared is somehow the spn golden goose, and the most money to be made was by keeping him free of gay cooties so he could be repackaged into walker and bring in the crusty old white man demographic.

i think cockles is a big part of the reason destiel came to exist, due to their uncontrollable onscreen chemistry and desire to kiss each other, which was palpable through the screen, and i think cockles is part of the reason jensen has come off as anti-destiel/lowkey homophobic (i wrote about that in the last section of the masterlist), but at the end of the day, they're both still professionals and i think they would have acted a reciprocal confession or a kiss if that's what they were told to do, regardless of how it affected their relationship or made people freak out. they clearly don't mind people freaking out lmao, and they obviously had no real control of what did/didn't happen in the script.

if you have any other questions or want to just keep screaming at me, feel free, but please do also take care of yourself!! i'm familiar with the cockles high, but you gotta get some sleep! the masterlist will still be there when you've had some rest. 😄

(for anyone who has come all this way and is wondering what the hell we're talking about, here's the much-discussed masterlist. enter at risk of your own mindfuck/euphoria.)