#i kept remembering this scene so i just...had to

[docrobinavitch]

force of nature, pull of gravity | part two

dr. robby x f!attending!reader PART ONE masterlist content: 18+ mdni, sexually explicit content, the entirety of this fic navigates grief in depth, death of mentor (adamson), death of a child/family member, swearing, canon medical events, angst, angst, and more angst words: 8.7K synopsis: we learn a bit more about the origins of reader and robby's relationship in flashbacks, reader and robby continue to butt heads during shift, and robby comes to terms with his feelings while reader tries to figure out how to break some news to him. a/n: well!!! we are back and we are still not done. i really wanted to contextualize their relationship some more for you guys so i ended up writing some flashback scenes that i really adore and while they are a bit angsty as well, i think they are a bit lighter than Present Day so it should break up the trauma i am inflicting i think lmao. also i like purposely took some liberties with the timeline in the season hope thats cool pls suspend ur disbelief anyway!! i think one more part should do it. as always enjoy and my inbox is always open to yap. pls yap with me about them. i beg. <3 syd

The both of you were in and out of Mr. Spencer’s room over the next hour. Robby thought about telling you you didn’t need to follow him back in every single time, but if he was honest, it was your presence keeping him from spinning out. Kept him from seeing Adamson in that bed instead of Mr. Spencer. 

When you rushed out of the room after he called time of death on Mr. Spencer, Robby thought about following you, making sure you were okay. He wasn’t okay, for a myriad of reasons, one of which being that after he was sure you hated him, you had extended an olive branch. 

It was so like you, to try and martyr yourself for him, it had only made him hate himself a bit more, watching you desperately trying not to spiral in that room. For him.

And when you slipped your hand into his, it felt like forgiveness.

He knew things weren’t back to normal. He wasn’t even sure what normal looked like anymore. 

But it was enough, for now, that you reached for him. 

The next time he saw you, you were at central with Jake. He wasn’t sure what the two of you were talking about, but you were smiling. Laughing, even. The sight of it nearly knocked him out. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen you really, truly smile.

It had to have been before Adamson, before the pandemic. When things were easy between the two of you. When he could touch you whenever he wanted and you would pull him closer instead of pushing him away. 

“Robby,” Jake called out to him when he spotted him and Robby watched as the smile faded off your face. Watched as you stood from your seat and walked off.

He acted like he hadn’t noticed, but it had been fucking him up that the sight of him alone seemed to ruin your mood. He looked down as you passed, caught a whiff of your shampoo as you did and had to close his eyes against the memory of you in his bed. The way his pillows would still smell of your shampoo even a few days after you had left.

“I thought she moved to the night shift?” Jake asked as he nodded in the direction you had walked off in and Robby looked up, shaking the thoughts from his head.

“Uh, yeah… Yeah she, just. We were understaffed so she’s helping out.”

He nodded, “It’s been like… Four years since I’ve seen her?”

“Yeah,” Robby nodded, “Yeah, she’s um, she’s been busy.”

Jake smiled, “I’m not a kid anymore, man, you don’t have to lie to me.”

Robby frowned, shaking his head, “What’re you talking about?”

Jake shrugged, “I mean I think it’s obvious that you guys were dating or something and it went bad—“

“No, it’s not— It’s not like that—“ He sighed, “Look, let me get you the tickets, okay?”

As Robby stormed past the hub again, Trinity watched and then looked to Perlah and Princess, who were also watching and murmuring in Tagalog,

“You guys know about everything around here, right?” Trinity asked.

The two nurses turned and smirked, “Obviously.” Princess said.

“What’s up with Robby and Y/N? Are they sleeping together or something?”

“Oh, old news.” Princess said.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Perlah said, “Ancient history. Long and tortured. There was a bet going for a while, before the pandemic, if they would finally get together. Officially.”

“What are we talking about?” Langdon asked, leaning over the hub.

“You remember the betting pool on if Robby and Y/N would ever get together?”

He nodded and sighed, “Yeah, I think we all lost that one.”

Princess smirked, “I don’t know. There’s still time.”

“You think?”

Perlah nodded, exchanging a look with Princess, “Adamson was always right about this kind of thing. He had $100 on them getting married one day.”

The smiles they exchanged were tinged with a note of sadness. Adamson was always right about this sort of thing.

“Well, now that she’s back on the day shift, maybe it’s time to revive the betting pool.” Frank smirked.

***

“So, what’re you up to this weekend?” You and Robby were walking home from a shift. Your place was about a block away from his and so he had taken to walking you home. You were a third year resident now, Robby an attending.

Your feelings for him had waxed and waned, never completely smothering, but you had dimmed the embers enough that they became just white noise. He never seemed to notice.

You sighed, “My cousin’s getting married tomorrow, but I… I actually don’t know if I want to go.”

“Why not?”

You bit your lip, “I checked off the plus one option six months ago thinking that Josh would come with, but…” Josh had been your on again off again boyfriend for the last year. Right now, you were decidedly off.

But he would call again. Whenever the girl he left you for got bored of him.

“I could go with you.” Robby said and you looked up at him, narrowing your eyes, “Yeah, I don’t have anything going on.”

“Really?” You had made it to your apartment, and you stopped outside the multi family home. You could hear the cicadas and the distant sound of sirens cut through the stillness of the evening.

He nodded and smiled, hands shoved in his pockets, “Yeah, why not? It’ll be fun.”

And it was fun, toting Robby around to meet your family, gently correcting them when they referred to him as your boyfriend. But he was a good sport about it all, bragging about how good of a doctor you were to anyone who would listen.

“You’re embarrassing me,” You hissed, but secretly you were pleased. You never tired of hearing him tell you that you were good. That you belonged.

“Why? You’re not used to people speaking highly of you?”

You frowned, “That was mean.” You said softly.

“I didn’t mean it to be.” He said gently, “I just meant… Doesn’t he ever brag about you?”

“Who?”

“Josh.”

In truth, you hadn’t thought about Josh all night and it irritated you to hear Robby bring him up like this. You rolled your eyes, “What does it matter? We broke up.”

One side of Robby’s mouth turned up and he ran a hand down his beard. The beard was relatively new. It had been an effort to keep your infatuation stifled as he had grown it out. You didn’t think you liked beards until he grew one. It was insufferable the way he made everything look so sexy.

“Yeah, I know, I know. But I also know you’ll pick up the phone the next time he calls.”

You shrugged, grabbed a flute of champagne from the waiter who was floating them through on a tray, “He might not call again.”

He laughed, “Right.”

“What?”

He shook his head, “He’ll call.”

“You can’t possibly know that.”

A slow song began to play and couples all began to drift to the floor. Robby placed his champagne on the nearest table and extended his hand to you, “Dance with me?”

You fought a smirk, but put your hand in his all the same and let him lead you to the floor. He took your free hand and placed it on his shoulder. Sliding his other hand around to your lower back, he gently pulled until you were nearly flush against him.

This close, you tried not to show how much it flustered you. If you moved your face just a few inches, you could kiss him.

“He’ll call,” Robby said softly, “He’d be an idiot not to.”

You hummed, “Right. Which as my friend is something you have to say.”

“No,” He shook his head and then bent your foreheads together. “No, I’m saying it because it’s true. You’re smart, funny, compassionate… absolutely stunning.” You swallowed and had to break his stare for fear he’d be able to look right through you. To see effortlessly how much his words affected you. 

“Your only flaw is that you always take the last protein bar from the break room and never replace them after.”

You laughed softly, “But I always split the last one with you.”

He huffed a laugh, “See? Generous as well. The whole package.”

You allowed yourself to look back up into his eyes as the two of you continued to sway gently to the music, “Thank you for coming with me.”

He nodded, “I’ve got you.” 

You watched as his eyes tracked across your face, down to your mouth. You were still so close, his hot breath fanned your lips.

And when you bit your lip you heard his breathing falter. So slowly, you almost didn’t notice it, he leaned closer to you.

“What are you doing?” You whispered. Your lips were almost brushing. But you didn’t move away, didn’t make any indication you didn’t want him to kiss you.

His eyes darted up to yours, pausing. You couldn’t read him, what it was he was thinking. But maybe he could see it in your face, the way you wanted him. Maybe he had known this whole time.

He didn’t answer your question, but pushed his lips into yours. It was soft and chaste, you barely got a taste of him. He pulled back and you moved with him, chasing his lips with your own. You had waited for this for God knew how long and he was going to tease you like this? No, no you wouldn’t allow it. 

When you deepened the kiss, your tongue sliding against his, he groaned into your mouth and pulled away again. When you tried to follow a second time, he laughed before tugging your hand, “Not here.” He said and then began pulling you away from the dance floor.

Your heart pounded as he headed down abandoned hallways, searching for an empty room, which he found after a couple of minutes. 

It looked like an abandoned rehearsal room. Wooden floors and the far side wall were floor to ceiling mirrors. You noted the redness around your mouth from where Robby’s beard had rubbed against you.

Chairs were stacked up against a wall and a dusty piano and bench sat in the corner.

Robby closed the door behind you before he was kissing you again, pushing you up against a wall immediately. There was no talking, only frantic panting and desperate moans. The occasional murmured curse he pushed into your mouth, always a hint of disbelief behind it, like he wasn’t quite sure this was happening either. 

He hitched one of your legs up to his hip, his hand sliding greedily up the exposed skin of your thigh and under your dress until his fingers brushed against the lace of your panties.

The heat of his touch made you feel lightheaded. He gripped your jaw and pushed your face to the side so he could kiss down the column of your throat.

“Do you… Do you have a condom?” You asked breathlessly.

His hands froze and he pulled back marginally so he could see your face. And when you looked back at him you thought you saw fear there. For a second, you were sure his panic mirrored out of your own eyes. You seemed to have broken some sort of spell and you could see him retreating behind his eyes. Going somewhere you couldn’t follow.

And then the door opened and Robby jumped away from you, your previously hiked up dress now cascading down your legs. Erasing all evidence of Robby’s want. Though you could still feel his phantom touches on your skin like burns.

“Oh—Shit—Sorry—!” Someone stammered and then there was a giggle. Another couple looking to do what you and Robby had just been doing. 

The door closed again and Robby ran a hand from the back of his head, down to his neck, “Do you know them?”

Wordlessly, you shook your head.

He nodded, but wouldn’t look at you. Then, he started pacing, hand to his mouth, long strides in front of you. You watched him for a few moments, picking at your cuticles.

“Could you stop that? You’re freaking me the fuck out.”

He stopped and looked up at you, “Fuck, I’m sorry, I—“ He raised his hands as if to touch your face, then thought better of it and dropped them, “I’m sorry.”

He was apologizing. You wanted him so badly you couldn’t see straight, and he was apologizing, the regret dripping off him. Like he could sweat you out of his system if he tried hard enough.

You shook your head, stomach dropping with every second that passed. You were starting to feel nauseous, “It was that bad, huh?” Your tone was joking, but you dropped your head and looked at your hands.

“No.” He said emphatically, “No, it’s–It’s not you–”

“Really?” You scoffed, “Because it kinda feels like it is.”

He pressed his lips firmly in a line, “It’s not, I just–I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

You nodded slowly, prayed that the pain of the rejection didn’t flash on your face like a neon sign.

“It was just a kiss, Robby,” You said more dismissively than you felt, “It’s fine. It doesn’t have to be this big thing. I’m not a kid.”

You pushed past him, needing to get out of the room so you could breathe again. 

He followed a few steps behind, “I didn’t say you were, I just—I want to make sure we’re on the same page because your friendship is really important to me—“

“Robby,” You interrupted, turning to face him. You didn’t want to hear anymore about your friendship when his hands had been up your dress just minutes ago, “Message received, okay? We’re good. I promise.”

Those brown eyes looked you over sadly, searching, as if he were trying to figure out if he believed you or not. Finally, he nodded, “Okay.” 

The drive home from the wedding was quiet except for the erratic drumming of Robby’s fingers against the steering wheel.

When he pulled in front of your place, he got out of the car before you could tell him not to, coming around your side to open the door.

Silently, you got out, let him walk you to the door.

“I’ll see you Monday?” He asked, hands in his pockets, shoulders shrugged up to his ears.

He was nervous, you realized. Maybe thought you were mad at him. But you weren’t, not really. You were more upset with yourself for believing for just a second that he wanted you as badly as you wanted him.

If he wanted to just be friends, you could take that. Because the truth was, you hadn’t had a friend who understood you the way he had in years. Maybe ever. 

So you smiled at him and nodded, “Yeah, I’ll see you Monday.”

He nodded back and looked like he was about to turn and walk off, but instead pulled you into a hug. Head resting on his chest, you sighed and closed your eyes. He kissed your hair before pulling away and walking off, hands still shoved in his pants pockets.

You watched him go before letting yourself inside.

Robby had been right. Josh did call you that night. And when he slipped between your sheets, the only way you could come was squeezing your eyes shut tight and pretending it was Robby’s hands on you. Robby’s tongue in your mouth and between your legs.

You didn’t see Josh again after that.

***

You were walking towards the ambulance bay for a quick break when Cassie McKay called out to you.

“Hey, McKay,” You smiled, “What’s up?”

“I—“ She shook her head, “I’m sorry to bother you with this, but I’ve already talked to Robby about it and… And I just think that he’ll be more likely to listen to you—“

“Listen to me about what?”

After a moment, Cassie launched into a story about a mother who had self induced vomiting to get her son to bring her here so she could get him help. Help because she feared he might do something awful.

“He has a… list. Of girls.” Cassie shook her head, but you didn’t need her to finish. You knew exactly what sort of list it was.

“And you think Robby isn’t handling it correctly?”

McKay sighed, “He hasn’t called the cops. The kid ran out of here hours ago and his mom can’t reach him. Says he never showed up at school.” She shrugged hopelessly, “I don’t know, I just. It doesn’t feel right.”

You nodded and swallowed. It didn’t feel good to you either, “I’ll talk to him. Thank you.”

It didn’t take long for you to find him, he was talking to Samira about something when you came up beside him.

Perhaps more out of habit than anything, you put a hand on his arm to get his attention and his eyes zeroed in on you immediately. 

You pulled your hand away, “Could I talk to you for a second?”

He nodded eagerly and it sent a pang through you for a moment, seeing how badly he wanted your approval, your forgiveness, “Yeah, of course.”

You led him into an empty exam room and closed the door, but before you could say anything he had started talking.

“I know you brought me in here to… To talk to me about something care related probably, but I just wanted to say that…” He sighed, “I… Really appreciate you helping out with Mr. Spencer. It felt like… like old times. Having you there.”

It stumped you for a second, hearing him so clearly communicate what he was feeling. It hit you then that he was trying. Really trying, maybe for the first time since you had known him. 

Once the surprise wore off you gave a short shake of your head, “Yeah, of course.” You swallowed and met his gaze, “I’ve got you.”

And you meant it. Pushing all the bullshit aside, you could never not care about him. You weren’t sure if you’d ever be able to turn off the instinct to run to him if he was falling apart.

He looked at you now with those big, sad eyes and it took everything you had not to open your arms to him.

He cleared his throat, “Anyway, I know that’s not why you grabbed me, so what d’you need?”

You nodded, “Yeah, so I heard there’s a mom here who made herself sick to bring her potentially dangerous son here and now he’s eloped?”

“Well,” He said slowly, “He was never a patient here so I think ‘eloped’ might be an unfair characterization—“

“Robby, why haven’t you called the police?”

He stared at you for a moment before scoffing, crossing his arms, “Since when are you itching to call the authorities?”

“McKay said he had a hit list.”

“That’s not—“ He ran his hands over his face, “We don’t know that, alright? Calling the police in prematurely could ruin his life—“

“How so?” You said, and now it was your turn to scoff, “I mean, can we be fucking serious for a second here? He’s a white man, a kid. If we’re wrong and there’s no evidence of him planning an actual crime, then the worst that happens is he comes in for a psych eval.”

He was shaking his head, “Involuntary psych holds can be very traumatic as you know—“

“I think prison and a bunch of dead teen girls would be worse, don’t you?”

He was irritated that you were calling him on this, you could tell. It was rare for the two of you to disagree on how to handle patients. When you did, it tended to get ugly. Quickly. Both of you were prideful and stubborn.

“While I appreciate your professional opinion,” He said slowly, “It is just that: your opinion. Which I will take into consideration, but I’ll remind you it’s my call as senior physician.”

You barked a laugh, “Okay, sure, pull rank—“

“I’m not pulling rank—“

“Adamson would’ve called the cops by now.”

The silence that fell was painful and ugly and part of you wanted to take it back when you saw the look on his face. It was too far and on today of all days. It would have been kinder for you to have hit him.

“Wow,” He said finally, and raised a hand to scratch the back of his head, turning away so he didn’t have to look at you, “Really? Is this what we’re doing now?”

You swallowed, “You are failing that kid and his mom and those girls every second you let pass without calling the police.”

He nodded, still not looking at you, “Yeah, thank you for your advice. Is that all or did you have any other wisdom you’re dying to impart?”

“You don’t have to be an asshole about it,” You said, skirting around him to get to the door, “I’m just trying to help, which is what I thought you wanted.”

He laughed humorlessly as you opened the door, “Right, yeah. Very helpful.” 

You sighed and turned back to him, “If you’re wrong about this, could you live with it? Because with the way you blame yourself for literally everything, I don’t think you could. And I fucking care about you, believe it or not, and I don’t want to see you falling down a hole you can’t climb out of.”

He scratched at his beard and finally looked back at you, a rueful smile on his face, “A bit late for that, I think.”

He pushed past you then as Whitaker called out for his help with something.

***

Robby’s eyes were glossy as he stared at you from across Central, hands gripping the chart in his hands too tightly.

Adamson came up beside him, followed his gaze to you and the new general surgery fellow, and stifled a smirk. 

He had watched the two of you do this will they/won’t they dance for years now, quietly hoping the both of you would get it together eventually. You were good for each other, he thought. Balanced each other out, listened to one another. Robby always knew when something was bothering you long before Adamson had picked up on it. He was the only one who seemed to be able to get through to you when you allowed self doubt to take over your every action and treatment plan. And you glowed under the light he shined your way. 

In turn, you were able to get through to him when he was being hard headed and self absorbed. When he couldn’t see past what was right in front of him to the bigger picture. You broadened his perspective, made him a better doctor for it every day. Made him a better man. 

Before you came along, Adamson worried about the way Robby tended to carefully pack away any unpleasant feelings, assuming that once packed away they could no longer damage him. He seemed to let you in more than anyone else, but not quite enough.

Adamson thought you could get there with him, though. Once Robby stopped packing away his feelings for you along with everything else.

“Something on your mind, Dr. Robby?”

Robby straightened and looked to Adamson, blinking away the glazed over look he’d had just moments ago when staring at you, “No, no, I, uh–” He looked back at you for a second then again to Adamson, shaking his head, “I just, the new fellow’s been down here a lot, seems sort of unnecessary, don’t you think?”

Adamson smiled slightly and turned his attention to you and the fellow. You were still discussing a patient, he thought, but the fellow was standing very close to you. And you made no move to widen the distance. In fact, when he leaned in to say something quietly in your ear, a hand on your upper arm, you leaned into him.

He sighed and turned back to Robby whose jaw was now clenched, “I think he’s doing his job, if a little flirtatiously. Maybe you should be honest about what’s really bothering you.”

Robby balked, “I–” He couldn’t stop himself from looking at you again, that wide smile on your face as you looked at the fellow, “It’s not like that with us, you know that.”

Adamson nodded, “Right. And how did your romantic weekend getaway to the mountains go?”

Robby flushed bright red as he looked back at Adamson, “We went as friends. I wanted to show her the new cabin I bought. We slept in separate rooms.”

It wasn’t technically a lie. You had slept in separate rooms, separate beds. But that hadn’t stopped him from railing you in the shower, eating you out on the floor in front of the fireplace, or pushing himself inside of you while you sat on his kitchen table, begging for more of him, deeper, harder.

Adamson shrugged, “Okay. If that’s what you need to tell yourself.” Robby was still staring at him, slack jawed and blushing, “Look, I don’t want to meddle in your personal life. But I feel as someone who has known you both for a number of years… It’s just obvious to me that you love her and I don’t know why you don’t do anything about it.”

“Of course I love her,” Robby scoffed, “So do you.”

Adamson tilted his head knowingly, “Not the way you do, son.”

Robby knew that there was probably some truth to what Adamson was saying, but that scared the shit out of him. Being friends with you, he could handle. He was good with being your emotional support in the hospital and occasionally outside of it. Regularly sleeping with you, he could also handle, and was in fact, very good at it, as it turned out. But being in a relationship with you, admitting that he was in love with you, he wasn’t sure he could be good at that. He didn’t think he was capable of the vulnerability that would require. You would get sick of constantly begging him to open up to you, to communicate how he felt clearly. And then he would lose you fully. He would lose everything.

So he shook his head at Adamson and started backing away, chart in hand, “It’s not like that.”

But still, he showed up at the bedside of a trauma patient you were caring for, the fellow across the gurney from you. 

You looked at him strangely when he gloved up and pulled on a surgical gown, “Robby, I think we have enough hands on this one.”

“Oh, I know, I’m just observing,” He said smiling, “Seemed like an interesting case.”

The new fellow didn’t catch on to what was going on, but you were pretty certain this was Robby being jealous. His arms were crossed, shifting his weight from foot to foot. His eyes weren’t on the patient, they were on you. And he had that fucking hungry look in his eyes, the same one he had the first time he finally gave you what you wanted, pressed you into a wall and made you come with his fingers. His eyes had glazed over as he watched you come undone.

It was fucking unfair of him to be looking at you like that now, just when someone else was giving you romantic attention. It was also unfair that it turned you on.

When the patient was stabilized, the three of you began to walk from the room, but the fellow put a hand on your arm, slowing you to a stop, “Hey,” He ripped a piece of paper from his notepad and handed it to you, “If you… Ever need anything outside of the hospital, that’s my number.”

You tilted your head, smirking, “Need anything like what, an emergency thoracotomy?”

He laughed and looked down, a flush working its way up his neck, “Uh, no, I was thinking more along the lines of… dinner, sometime, maybe?”

Before you can answer, Robby’s hand is on your shoulder, “Sorry, champ, Adamson needs her, it’s pretty urgent.”

He steered you away and walked quickly, arm around your shoulder.

“Where are we going?” You asked, annoyed, “I know this isn’t about Adamson.”

He said nothing until he had pulled you into an empty on-call room, closing the door shut behind you and then pushing you up against it.

Immediately, his mouth was on yours, hungry and desperate, teeth digging into your lower lip. Despite your annoyance, you immediately melted into him, reaching your hands up to knot them in his hair which was longer than usual, beginning to curl around his ears.

“You’re so fucking insufferable,” You murmured and tugged on his hair for good measure, “Got you so worked up over some general surgery fellow I don’t even like–”

Robby pulled away for a moment, ignoring the way you whined at his absence, “You don’t like him?”

You sighed, “Not really, he tries a bit too hard.”

A smirk stretched across his face, “You like men who play hard to get, then?”

You rolled your eyes, “I would’ve thought it obvious.”

He kissed your neck and slipped a hand between your thighs, rubbing you over your scrub pants, “I’m not hard to get, look how easy it was for you to get me in here.”

Your lashes fluttered at his touch and you swallowed hard, “You don’t really want me, though, not the way–” You cut yourself off before you could finish; not the way I want you. There was no point in admitting it when he didn’t feel the same. In fact, he might cut everything off if he knew how you felt in some fake chivalrous attempt to protect you.

He pulled away again, “What? What were you gonna say?”

You shook your head and tried to pull him back to you, “Nothing, keep kissing me, please.”

But Robby remained firm, searching your eyes, “Not the way that guy wants you?”

You sighed in relief that he hadn’t seemed to catch what you really meant to say, “Well, you don’t,” You said, “This is just fucking” You said, gesturing to the space between the two of you, “He wants to date me. Take me out to dinner.”

He nodded slowly, “You can date whoever you want, you know? Just say the word and I’ll back off.”

You dropped your head so he couldn’t see the irritation on your face. You don’t know what you expected, that he’d offer to take you on a real date? He’d finally admit to being in love with you? Obviously he wasn’t, maybe he just liked the way your desire made him feel.

“So you won’t act like a rescue dog with food insecurity the next time someone flirts with me in front of you?”

He smirked and leaned in again, kissing up to your ear and catching your earlobe gently between his teeth, “I’ll do my best, but no promises.”

Robby got down on his knees, pulling down your pants as he went and looked up at you. Your breath hitched in your throat. He had done this many times now and it was your favorite way that he made you come, which was saying a lot, because he was pretty excellent at making you come in a variety of different ways. But there was something about the way he moaned and sighed into you with his mouth on you that felt reverant, like worship. If you closed your eyes, you could imagine those moans sounded a lot like I love you. 

“You have to be quiet,” He said, kissing the skin of your inner thigh as he hooked one of your legs over his shoulders, “Can you do that for me, pretty girl?”

A shiver ran down your spine, but you nodded, “Yes.” You whispered.

With one of your hands knotted in his hair, you stifled your whimpers as he licked and sucked, and fucking moaned into you. When you looked down, he was stroking himself simultaneously and you thought you might combust. The thought of him being so turned on by your taste and your pleasure, by the idea of someone else getting to have you, it drove you wild. 

He could love me. You thought, desperately, muscles beginning to tense low in your belly, He could love me and he could be mine and we could do this every day and I would never tire of it. You bit down hard on your free hand to muffle your moans. In your mind, you imagined what it’d sound like if he whispered I love you into your mouth. And then you came, hard, hips grinding into his mouth. He had told you to be quiet, but he moaned loudly against you when he felt your release, and then he was coming too, moans turning to whimpers that made your skin tingle.

You cleaned up and redressed quickly in silence. When you went to open the door again, he pressed a palm to it, closing it again, “Did you want to grab take out after shift from that Chinese place you like? We could rent a movie or something, you can stay the night at my place.”

Yes, normal things to do with the guy you were just fucking who didn’t love you. You forced a smile and nodded, “Sure.”

Maybe one day Robby would fall in love with you or maybe one day you’d meet someone who’d make you forget all about him. But until then, you weren’t sure you’d ever be strong enough to say no to him.

***

Robby was on edge. He was snapping at people. He had reamed McKay out for going to you, even though he thought she had probably been right for doing that. 

And what upset him the most was that he still hadn’t gotten around to apologizing to you, like he’d been meaning to do for days now. Instead, he had made it worse, like when he fucking brought up Jack to throw in your face.

You were close by and yet always out of his reach, slipping by during a trauma, carefully avoiding brushing against him. It was fucking with him.

Because if this were a few years ago, he wouldn’t have had any qualms apologizing to you. It wouldn’t have been so difficult. He had groveled for you time and time again in the past. But it felt different now. There were now years of silence and tension between them and he was afraid of what he’d find when he cut through it.

Maybe you couldn’t see past this one. And of course, he’d understand that. Even if he said otherwise he could see that he had abandoned you when you needed him most. When he needed you most. It was why he was so eager to deflect it off himself, because most days the guilt of it threatened to eat him alive.

And then if you didn’t forgive him what would he do? How was he expected to keep going after losing both you and Adamson? He couldn’t fathom his life without both of you in it, wasn’t sure who he was without you.

Adamson would have called the cops by now. It hurt spectacularly when you said it. But with you out of the room, out of his reach, he was able to see that you were likely correct about that. 

As much as it stung for him to admit, you and Adamson had always been on the same page about social issues and how best to handle them in the ER. Robby was empathetic to a fault, couldn’t see past the patient in front of him. You, on the other hand, had always had this almost supernatural ability to predict every outcome and how best to avoid or bring them to life.

Robby wasn’t bad at this stuff necessarily, but of the two of you, he was more likely to get it wrong. And Adamson would’ve wanted him to listen to you.

So after much contemplation and standing at the hub with his head in his hands, he picked up the phone and called the police.

It had been a couple of hours since then and he had been pulled from case to case with no end in sight. But finally, finally, he got to the hub and saw the police speaking with David’s mom. He breathed a sigh of relief and turned to Dana, “Have you seen—“

“Yeah, she’s with the pediatric drowning.” Dana looked up at him, concern written all over her face, “I wanted to grab you earlier, but you’ve been all over the place.”

A pediatric drowning. Fuck. Fuck. “Where?”

Dana pointed to the trauma room behind him and Robby was immediately grabbing a pair of gloves and pushing the door open. The girl had to be only six or seven. She had been intubated, a nurse using an ambu bag to administer oxygen. Whitaker was on top of the gurney performing CPR. Bags of warm saline were strapped to the girl’s chest. The girl’s parents were by her side, in tears as they murmured reassurances to their little girl.

You stood a few strides away from the gurney, face pallid and eyes bloodshot. Your hands were clasped in front of you, but they still shook.

“She feels warmer,” Her mother said, “That’s good, right?”

A nurse did a temperature check, called out a number above ninety degrees. You swallowed, “That’s warm enough for her heart to respond.” Your voice shook, “Rhythm check, Whitaker, pause compressions.” 

When Whitaker lifted his hands, you closed your eyes at the sound of the long, single tone, “Still asystole,” You said, and your voice sounded broken, “Resume compressions.”

Robby stood himself next to you and leaned down slightly to murmur in your ear, “I can take this one, why don’t you go get some air.”

You shook your head, “This is my patient. Her parents trust me. I’m not going to shove them off on a doctor they don’t know on the worst day of their lives.” You said quietly.

There wasn’t time to argue, and besides, you were right. For the best patient care, consistency was best. Especially when it looked this bad. That didn’t mean he liked it though. His hands itched to drag you out of the room, but he clasped them behind his back instead.

The phone rang and your eyes followed Mateo when he picked it up, “Potassium level’s back. 12.2.”

Robby watched as your chin gave the slightest wobble, and then you shook your head slightly before taking in a shaky breath.

Hands still clasped, you walked behind Robby to get to the girl’s parents. You lowered yourself to their level, eyes unfocused as you stared at that girl on the table.

If you blinked, it was your niece on the table instead, hair still wet from the pool. The temporary tattoo of Doc McStuffins you had given her a few days ago had begun to peel and fade from her upper arm. It was your sister and her husband sitting next to her, wailing when you told them there was nothing else they could do.

You blinked again and you’re back in the present. You squeezed your hands together when you felt them shaking again. Steeling yourself, you shifted your gaze to the parents.

“No one has ever survived a cardiac arrest with a potassium level over eleven. There is absolutely no chance for recovery. I am so sorry. Amber has died.” Your voice broke on the last sentence, but it didn’t quite matter. You weren’t sure her parents had really heard you. Immediately they were hyperventilating and sobbing and it took everything you had not to run from this room. You clenched your jaw, “Before we stop, do you think her sister would like a chance to say goodbye?”

“No,” Her dad said tearfully, “No, she shouldn’t see her like this.”

You nodded, your own tears threatening to choke you, “Okay. You can stay with her for as long as you like. We are going to stop now.” You nodded to Whitaker who lifted his hands, the monotone beep once again filling the room, “Resuscitation efforts discontinued at 1751.”

You rose to standing and waited for Mateo to turn off the alarms, “Excuse me,” You murmured as you pulled your gloves off and then you were leaving the room.

Vaguely, you heard Robby call out your name behind you, but you didn't stop until you were in the ambulance bay. You backed yourself into the wall and sank to the ground, desperately trying to level your breathing, but you continued to shudder and hyperventilate with your head between your knees.

There was a shadow in front of you and you didn’t need to look up to know it was Robby, lowering himself to the ground beside you. When you felt his arm around you, you didn’t pull away, you pushed yourself into him instead. He responded by basically pulling you into his lap, your tear stained face pressed to his neck.

“I’ve got you,” He said softly. One of his hands was in your hair, scratching gently at your scalp, “It wasn’t your fault.” He said, and you knew he wasn’t talking about Amber. He was talking about your niece, Gemma.

He had been there that day when the EMTs wheeled her in and you were on top of the gurney, soaked to the skin and performing chest compressions.

It was her pool party, her birthday. And because it was her birthday, she had decided she was a big girl now and didn’t need her swimmies. No one saw her take them off. No one saw her drift to the deep end. It was only when your sister had called out to her that it was time to blow out the candles that anyone realized she was missing. That no one had been watching her. At that point, it had been at least twenty minutes since the last time anyone could remember seeing her. It was anyone’s guess how long she had been underwater.

But you had seen miracles before. People whose hearts had stopped, had been underwater for far longer than should be compatible with life, and their hearts had restarted. Gemma’s could restart too. It was you who dove in and pulled her from the pool, calmly shouted instructions to the people around you as you started compressions.

When Robby pulled you into the family room to tell you that her heart was still in asystole, that her potassium level was too high, you had shaken your head in denial. “No,” You said simply, “No, keep trying, it’ll… It’ll go down.” You both knew that wasn’t true. A potassium level that high indicated irreversible cell rupture.

“Honey, I’m so sorry.” Robby had said with bloodshot eyes, shaking his head, “I told you first in case you wanted to be the one to tell your sister. But I’ll do it if you can’t.”

You had done it, chin wobbling, and voice breaking. You had taken it when she screamed at you that you needed to do more, just saying you were sorry over and over as you looked at Gemma’s still body, tears streaming down your face.

You don’t think your sister blamed you exactly, for what happened to Gemma. But you did think she could no longer look at you without seeing how you hadn’t been able to save her daughter. Your goddaughter. She had stopped calling years ago and you had stopped trying.

Now Robby’s holding you, kissing your head, repeating that it wasn’t your fault over and over until your breathing slowed and settled.

Eventually, you sat up, pulling away from him sniffling, “Sorry,” You said, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have fallen apart like that. It’s been years.”

He gave a slight shake of his head, “That’s not something you just get over.”

You stared intently at your fingers, picking at your cuticles, “Thank you. For trying to help.”

“Always,” He said, his voice rough. When you looked at him, his eyes were red rimmed as well, but he was smiling softly at you, “That’s what we do, isn’t it?”

You sighed, and turned away from him, looking back down at your hands, “I wanted to talk to you about something–”

“If it’s about David, the teen with the… list, I called the police. They haven’t been able to find him yet, but they’re looking.”

You blinked in shock, “You called them?”

He nodded, “You were right. You’re always right about that sort of thing. I need to listen more, to… Lean more on my staff for support,” He smiled sadly, “I’m not used to having you on shift anymore, I forget what it’s like to fully trust another doctor at work like that. I’m sorry for not listening.”

You tried to smile back, but ended up biting your lip instead, turning away from him. He wasn’t making this easy, “That’s good, that you called. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.”

“Okay, what’s up?”

You rose to standing again and waited until he followed suit, “Um, I wanted you to hear it from me first, before… Well, before people start talking.”

Robby’s heart rate was beginning to pick up. What the fuck were you about to say that would have you so nervous, so scared to tell him? Were you… Were you seeing someone? And then a different, larger fear took over, that maybe you were engaged. Or married, even. He hadn’t really spoken to you in about three years. It could be true.

And he was shocked to find out how much the prospect of it sent dread curdling in his stomach. 

He had always known, even before your falling out, that it was a possibility. Likely, even, that some day you’d fall in love with someone else and maybe you’d box him out of your life completely. Surely, your complicated history would make any romantic interest uncomfortable. He wouldn’t blame anyone else for not wanting him in your life. But it had never happened and he suspected it may have partly been because you were a little bit in love with him.

Now, though, you said you still cared, but there was a guardedness about you now he had never seen before. Maybe you had found someone who would love you the way he hadn’t been able to. It would break his heart, but he could be happy for you. He owed you that much.

“I’ve accepted a job offer at Presby,” You said, “I’m putting in my two weeks with Gloria on Monday.”

He thought maybe he’d heard you wrong and so he waited. Maybe for you to clarify or for his brain to fully process, because there was no way that’s what you had said. That you were leaving. Just when he had gotten you back. Just when he was starting to feel like there was a path back to not being so hostile all the time.

But you didn’t correct yourself, just stood there staring at him, waiting for him to say something.

“No,” He said softly, then again, “No, you can’t.”

You tilted your head, looking at him sadly, “Robby–”

He felt like the world was imploding around him, “I know–I know I fucked up. With Adamson, with the way I handled everything, with Collins. I’m sorry. I–I should’ve been there for you, I should have let you in. I should have gone to grief counseling–I’ll go to grief counseling–”

“Robby, please,” Your eyes were watering again, “Please don’t do this.”

“This is what you wanted though, isn’t it?” His voice was frantic even to his own ears, panic coated every single word, “I can still do it, I can be better. I’ll be better, but you can’t– You can’t go, you can’t leave me here. I don't know how to do this without you.” He swallowed, “I don’t think I can do it without you.”

“Yes, you can,” You said softly, “You’ve done okay the last three years.”

“No the fuck I haven’t!” He laughed incredulously, “I’m a fucking wreck without you.”

“And you’re a wreck with me, Robby. Fuck, we’re awful for each other! Can’t you see that?” Tears were streaming down your face.

“That’s not true,” He said, shaking his head, “We’ve had a bad few years, but that’s my fault and I can work on it–”

“Like you promised to work on it four years ago?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed, “I get it, I understand why you’re angry, that I’ve hurt you, but I’m telling you, we can fix this. All I want,” He said, voice breaking, “is a chance to fix this.”

You looked at him sadly, chin wobbling, “It’s too late.”

“It’s not–”

“Yes it is–”

“I love you.” He said, shaking his head, “Please don’t say it’s too late.”

You blinked at him, “I love you too, Robby, but it–”

“No, not–” He sighed in frustration, “Not like that. I’m in love with you and… And I know I’ve been avoiding it for almost twenty years now, but I’m… I’m ready now. To try. With you.”

You stared at him for a moment and rubbed at your eyes, “You don’t mean that and it’s fucked up of you to say that to me to try to get me to stay when you know how I feel about you. How I’ve felt about you all these years.”

“This isn’t how I wanted to tell you either, but it’s not like I have a choice now–”

“Yeah, you do!” You shouted, throwing up your hands in exasperation, “You could have continued to fucking push it down the way you have for years instead of doing this to me now when I’m finally trying– When I finally feel able to–” Your voice broke, “When I finally feel like I can close the door on us.”

You looked desperate in front of him, tears streaming down your face. He hated this, that it had come to this. He had been so stupid for years and years, convinced he could never get you what you needed, but never willing to try to be that for you. Maybe it was unfair and selfish of him now, but he couldn’t just walk away.

Carefully, he lifted his hands up to cradle your face and was shocked when you didn’t move away from him, but bent your foreheads together, nudging your nose against his.

“Please don’t,” He said softly, pleading, “Decline the job offer. Let me try just one more time and then… I swear if I can’t do it this time, I’ll leave you alone. You’ll never hear from me again, if that’s what you want.”

You sighed heavily, closing your eyes. Robby kept his eyes on you, though, watched as you wet your lips with your tongue.

“Let me go.” You murmured softly, and he heard the tears caught in your throat.

He shook his head against your forehead, “Never.”

Your chin wobbled, but eyes still closed, you inched your mouth towards his. You tasted just like he remembered, except for the saltiness of your tears. He held you to him with a hand on the back of your neck as he kissed you deeply, hoping you could feel it, that he meant it this time. That he was trying. That he would do anything to keep you here, with him, like this.

You whimpered as you opened your mouth to him and he sighed into you, his hands shaking as they touched you, explored you like they used to–

The ambulance bay doors slid open and the two of you sprang apart as Dana walked outside. If she noticed any weirdness between the two of you, she didn’t say anything. 

She looked from Robby to you and then back again, her expression unreadable as she held a phone to her ear, “There’s an active shooter at Pitt Fest.”

[sunelloise]

I was not aware of Reyna joining the Hunters until this post. I checked out about 3 chapters into the second TOA book so if it happened after… yeah.

Thing about Reyna is, for me, that I remember well before I knew I was ace, and when I wasn’t really into shipping, that Reyna’s last(?) scene with Piper in BOO, Aphrodite’s daughter, being all sad about how she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and Piper going “you’ll find somebody eventually :)” like

What a horribly missed opportunity for the daughter of the love goddess, who already has a complicated relationship with her mother, to remind Reyna that the Greeks had 7 definitions of love, that there is more to life than just a romance, and that she’s not lesser for not having one.

Also tho

Artemis was 100% the villain in TTC, which would have actually been interesting if it was done intentionally, instead of accidentally. Artemis is the root of Nico’s modern problems. She ripped his sister away from him, and she got Bianca killed, and then let Percy take the fall for her when none of this was his fault. I kinda give Zoe a pass, in a way that she joined a cult so long ago that her agency here is very muddied.

The frustrating thing is that it’s very inconsistent when gods are meant to be seen as either helpers or obstacles based on their myths. Artemis running a cult championing virginity is seen as a good and necessary thing because the myths said so. Poseidon causing Medusa was a “we don’t talk about that beyond book 1” thing, because he has to be a ‘good’ dad eventually. Aphrodite is a nuisance but Cupid is a straight-up villain, both gods of romantic love giving horribly mixed messages about it.

Trying to distill thousands of real myths into consistent characters that we can understand and empathize with means cherry picking which myths you want to represent your arbitrarily “good” and “bad” gods… when they are all simultaneously “good” and “bad” because they’re gods!

He didn’t fail completely, and these books are beloved for a reason. I love that Hades wasn’t stereotypically evil, and I loved the complicated nature of Hermes and May Castellan’s doomed relationship.

But Artemis was a villain, he just contorted her myths to say otherwise, and even back then when I was like, 13, I knew something was up (I’m ace too OP).

Also I know these books are getting older, but “strong women means bashing men” is not what feminism means ffs. Artemis isn’t the cool aunt goddess for turning her nose up at teenage boys who are just being boys. Percy and Nico are kids! Having her resolution be “oh wow you have surpassed my cynical expectations of you because of your gender, I hate you slightly less because you saved me from a trap I fell knowingly into.”

Was really frustrating.

More so because a very strong theme throughout the series is the consequences of the gods being fickle and neglectful of their children, which causes Luke and every other bitter, lost, and heartbroken demigod to join their enemy.

So the inconsistency of “sometimes the fickle and neglectful god is teaching Percy a valuable lesson” or “the fickle and neglectful god made the series villain and should suffer for it,” makes for a very confusing message.

Everybody worrying about Nico going dark side because of Artemis would have been way more interesting than blaming Percy, because they would have been forced to confront the thing that Rick kept tiptoeing around: Do I make my message be that “we’re family and we’re stuck together even if the abuse and neglect continues?” Percy did his best to go “fuck you guys do better” and then all of that was steamrolled over in the very next series where the new prophecy and splitting personalities put a raincheck on their godly promise.

The hunters of Artemis, Reyna, and Asexuality in Riordan's writing

I kinda started thinking about this since Reyna became a hunter. I could never articulate why I hated this Choice. I was asexual after all. Shouldn't I be happy about this rep? We Ace people barely get any after all. Then I realized that it's because I just didn't like the hunters as ace representation. And I didn't need to be grateful for mediocrity.

You want to know why the hunters of Artemis suck in general? And as Ace rep specifically? Because Riordan did not write them with that mindset.

Like people are so busy hailing this man as the king of representation in literature(blegh) that they forgot how heteronormative and white(sometimes racist) the original series was. Y'all really think this man was thinking about writing asexuals in the year 2007? Get real. What Riordan was doing was a white man trying to write feminism and failing (there's a reason most of his female characterization of female characters boils down to tough "not like other girls" characters who are dicks to the boys around them yet also to the girls around them if they're jealous)

Now onto the hunters.

The hunters when first presented in TTC are not a group of asexuals but rather religious celibates. Fantasy Pegan nuns if you may. The first problem arises when their ages are brought up.

"Then the archers came from the woods. They were girls, about a dozen of them. The youngest was maybe ten. The oldest, about fourteen..."

Remember, before ToA gave us Emmie and Jo, the hunters WERE all young girls. Now why in the world are they so young? Especially when in the actual myths, the hunters could come from any age whatsoever? Well the reason is a doozy.

"Are you surprised by my age?" she asked.

"Uh… a little."

"I could appear as a grown woman, or a blazing fire, or anything else I want, but this is what I prefer. This is the average age of my Hunters, and all young maidens for whom I am patron, before they go astray."

"Go astray?" I asked.

"Grow up. Become smitten with boys. Become silly, preoccupied, insecure. Forget themselves."

Hooo boy. What a way to phrase it. Going astray. Losing themselves. This kinda confirms that the reason why Artemis goes after young girls specifically is because she only wants girls who have yet to finish puberty. Girls have yet to discover their own sexuality. Now I'm not a representative of Asexuals everywhere, but I'm pretty sure most of us don't discover our sexuality at the age of ten. Let alone have the maturity to decide to become celibates about it. And let me reiterate: celibacy is not sexuality. Sure asexual people CAN choose to be celibates but it's not the same thing at all. In fact Zoe and Thalia are big cases for this. Both of them had liked men before(herakles and luke) but joined for their own reasons. Thalia to escape the prophecy and Zoe out of heartbreak. Hell, Bianca herself is mostly swayed by the idea of having no responsibility and a new family.

Now Rick does another thing that goes against the myths. The exclusion of make hunters. Artemis frequently hung around or taught male hunters who respected her. Daphnis, Scamandrius, freaking Hippolytus whom Artemis greatly cared about. Oh but we need to come up with bullshit reasons why Nico can't just join the hunt with his sisters so the hunters of Artemis are all: Ewww men. Also note how at no point does Riordan mention people who fall in love with women.

Now the next point is the oath itself. Artemis says this:

"What oath?" I said.

"To forswear romantic love forever," Artemis said. "To never grow up, never get married. To be a maiden eternally."

When I tell you that Emmy and Joe were retcons . Rick was freaking INSISTENT on the hunters being kids. Also note the three points: to never fall in love, to never get married, to stay a maiden.

I mean I think I don't need to explain why obsessing over the virginity of young girls is creepy. Does Riordan think girls older than fourteen can't keep it in their pants? And let me be adamant here Riordan only cares about the virginity Clause here. He mentions falling in love and marriage because he sees them inherently intertwined with sex.

Now onto the wording of the oath itself:

'I pledge myself to the goddess Artemis. I turn my back on the company of men, accept eternal maidenhood, and join the Hunt.'

I mean you might be able to interpret men here as mankind and therefore excluding women as well. But I have many reasons to believe that Riordan didn't even CONSIDER women as a possibility(someone inform this man that lesbians existed smh 😞). Also note that falling in love is not mentioned in the actual oath but maidenhood is.

Now onto the next big issue. Percy Jackson's Greek gods and its chapter on Artemis. It basically confirms all of my problems.

"IT’S NOT THAT ARTEMIS HATED ALL MEN, just most of them. From the moment she was born, she knew one critical fact: Guys are kinda gross."

No mention of girls. In this chapter Percy(Rick) brings up Artemis' disdain for dudes over and over again.

“Let me be a maiden forever, Father,” Artemis said, twirling her finger in Zeus’s beard. “I never want to get married.---- But you can grant me a bunch of followers: ocean nymphs, river nymphs, wood nymphs—what the heck, how about mortal girls, too? Any girls who want to join me can become my followers, as long as they remain maidens like me. They should probably make the decision when they’re about nine years old, before they get interested in boys, because after that, they’ll be all distracted and of no use to me.”

Yikes yikes yikes. Ladies and gentlemen the age has been lowered to 9. Freaking 9. Also I guess girls older than that don't need Artemis' protection then? (the real problem is that older/married girls should be out of Artemis's jurisdiction and under the protection of other gods like Hera, Hestia, and Ares. But Hestia is barely there. Hera is terrible and the Amazons also suck)

Now when I tell you that Artemis' big point was about virginity, I mean it. This actually has mythological evidence.

The myths actually DO mention what happens when female hunters fall in love. Rhodopis and Euthynicus were two hunters who offended Aphrodite by choosing a chaste life so she had Eros make them fall in love. However note that they weren't booted out of the hunters for falling in love, but rather after having sex in a cave. THAT was what Artemis took offense to.

Another myth is the story of Aura. A huntress who offended Artemis by comparing their breasts(Greek mythology am I right?). Saying that her breast were better than Artemis' because they were smaller and hey maybe that means that Artemis isn't actually a maiden. Artemis punishes her by making her lose her VIRGINITY. She goes to nemesis for revenge. Nemesis goes to Eros who makes Dionysus fall in love with Aura and when Aura refuses his advances he ties her up and... Yeah you can guess where I'm going with this.

But hey! Those myths aren't in the Greek gods book. You know which myth is? The myth of C(K)allisto. And this one angers me so much I want to chew on the drywall.

The way Riordan writes it. Zeus turns himself into Artemis, brings Kallisto's guards down with the disguise, gets close to her and then when Kallisto REJECTS Artemis' supposed advances, forces himself on her. I need to say this again. Kallisto does not fall in love, she isn't seduced, she does not break her oath. But we still need a reason for her to be yeeted out of the hunters so her lack of maidenhood it is

“You were my favorite,” Artemis said. “If you had come to me immediately, I could have helped you. I would have found you a rich, handsome husband and let you settle into a new life in the city of your choice. I would have allowed you to retire from the Hunt with honor. You could have gone in peace. Zeus’s assault was not your fault.”

Kallisto sobbed. “But I didn’t want to lose you! I wanted to stay!”

Artemis felt like her heart was breaking, but she couldn’t show it. She had rules about her followers. She couldn’t allow those rules to be broken, not even by her best friend. “Kallisto, your crime was keeping the secret from me. You dishonored me, and your sisters of the Hunt, by not being honest. You defiled our company of maidens when you were not a maiden yourself. That I cannot forgive.”

I want to slap this man so hard he flies to the opposite side of the universe. We are not here to blame victims of assault guys! Except we are! But with extra steps. If you get attacked, it's not your fault, but If you are too scared to admit the truth then you deserve to lose your only safe space and turn into a bear. Oh nooooo Kallisto DEFILED Artemis' company by being an icky non virgin. The moment you lose your virginity even if it's not your fault you get punished. But not because I'm gross but because YOU lied. How terrible! And he expects us to feel for ARTEMIS???

But rosabell! This is how things go in the myths. What was uncle Rick (bleghhhh) supposed to do? I don't know... Choose a different version of the story? There are versions were Zeus/Hera are the ones who transform Kallisto into a bear. There are versions where Kallisto actively CHOOSES to sleep with Artemis. Granted it's still assault because she's being lied to but at least then, she'd have a degree of autonomy in the events. At least Artemis could rightfully accuse her of breaking her oath. But noooo, Riordan doesn't know lesbians exist. He actively makes Zeus into a canonical Ra*ist. Why is he on the throne again?

(the fact that this book came out AFTER HoH y'all 😭)

Once again, Riordan sees maidenhood(virginity)/love/marriage as intertwined. This is NOT what being on the aroace spectrum means. You can fall in love but not have sex. You can have sex but not fall in love. You can have sex AND still be an asexual. You can be married and still be a "maiden". Riordan doesn't get to claim to be such a progressive ally for retconning the hunters in 2017, TEN years after he first introduced the hunters because he suddenly remembered that lesbians exist.

Or more like because he doesn't know what to do with his female characters. The hunters more than anything are Riordan's heroine dumping ground. If you don't want it put them in relationships, either kill them(Bianca whose main purpose is to die) or make them eternal virgins(the hunters, Rachel). The fact that some people genuinely think that Calypso should have joined the hunters astound me. Girl suffered for years because of the gods and you all think that the best thing outside of Leo for her(not that I like Caleo) is to become a servant to the gods? Because you can't perceive a female character doing anything else if she's not in a relationship. Like with Thalia, this at least made sense on a strategic level because she didn't want to reach sixteen. Oh but we also don't know what else to do with her so she needs to want to be a hunter after the war is over so we give her a half-assed argument with Luke and now she can be all: wah wah Zoe you were totally right about boys. And the cherry on the cake is that she doesn't even get to be in the final confrontation with Luke or say goodbye to him because of a freaking STATUE. And after pjo her personality becomes Zoe 2.0 and her and Jason get ONE measly meeting.

When I first spoke of not liking Renya joining the hunters this is what I mean. Riordan had so many options with Reyna. Why did she have to leave her esteemed position which she worked so hard for? Two boys rejected her? Why couldn't she go reconnect with her sister more then? She could have joined the Amazons. But nooo Riordan was so allergic to the fans asking him wether she could be Bi or a lesbian. For the stupidest reasons too? Oh Reyna being a lesbian would come off as stereotypical because she got rejected by two guys beforehand! My dude, do you think people don't say the same thing about us who are on the aroace spectrum? That we say we are aro/ace because we got rejected before? Come up with a better excuse next time.

My brother in Christ couldn't even allow Reyna to talk about her sexuality and whatnot. It couldn't even be fully about her. No. He had to turn Reyna into his own mouthpiece admonishing the EVILLLL fans who may have shipped Thalia and Renya. He literally had her say the word "shipping". How cringe can you get? And then he had the audacity to admonish the fans by saying: Why does a strong friendship always have to progress to romance?

It's a sentiment I agree with but coming from this man, it's extremely hypocritical? I don't know Richard maybe because YOU are obsessed with shipping? No character can escape your shipping hands unless they're eternal virgins or dead. You literally turned the Argo2 into Noah's ark2. So much attention focused on shipping that the seven barely felt like friends.

Why does Reyna need to join the hunters? She can choose to not relationship without having to become a servant to female Peter pan.

This is actually a really adequate metaphor when you consider that Emmie and Jo say that they have not met Artemis in YEARS and Apollo mentions that the two of them were lucky she let them LIVE. god can you imagine joining Artemis when you are 9? At an age when you have still not finished maturimg cognitively and therefore shouldn't be trusted on taking a freaking celibacy vow(were you even given the talk yet that age) and after 70 years you decide you want to leave? If you're lucky Artemis will part with you on good terms but SIKES every person you probably knew before joining is now dead. Where is THAT angsty Bianca fic?

Speaking of Bianca. How she was handled also angers me. In another post, I've already talked about how the hunters barely gave her adequate information before letting her join.

How Zoe was the main reason for her death. Zoe KNEW that at least 2 people might die in the quest she was given and yet she decided to bring the least experienced girl to the quest and couldn't even watch her properly.

But you know what else pisses me off? The fact that THEY should have been the one to tell Nico about his sister's death. I've always hated how Chiron made Percy the CHILD tell Nico the other CHILD about his sister dying. But more than anyone, it should have been the hunters' responsibility. Bianca was THEIR responsibility. She died in a quest to save Artemis. The least they could do was tell her remaining family of her fate. The Doylist reason of course is that we need to kickstart Nico and Percy's complicated relationship and have Percy discover that Nico is a son of Hades. But in universe, the fact that they immediately fuck off from the camp upon regrouping makes them come off as extremely selfish. We don't even know if Bianca was given a funeral by them or not. We see Artemis being upset about Zoe but we never see her react to the news of losing Bianca.

[itslifetreesworld]

So I've been having this idea of doing one of my favorite looks of Ethan and Benji across the M: I series! Obviously Benji joined in mi3 so I put the first two Ethans together to jump start everything. I hope to do each one every day so stay tuned!

I will also write something explaining why I picked that particular costume/look, with screenshot references and anything I found interesting during the process, so if you are interested in some ramblings here we go:

Mission: Impossible

I know everyone thinks of the Langley suit when talking about the first M: I movie (so am I). I'm not saying it's overrated because it's not, but I do think maybe that's too much of a cliche if I also pick that? So the other day I watched a video essay discussing the evolving of costumes in movies and they mentioned this grey striped suit with blue shirt and a blue tie in M: I and I just thought, damn, that's a really nice suit:

It was the suit Ethan wore when he met with Max. It's a bit of a shame that Ethan slowly turns to a very utilitarian all-black-and-leather choice of clothing and does not really wear anything like this anymore.

Plus, I think it is one of the very few times where Ethan wears a long coat (the only other appearance actually being in FR? Correct me if I'm wrong)

Mission: Impossible 2

Ok so the thing is, I don't remember a lot from mi2 ... (would you blame me thou) so when I watched it again trying to pick a favorite look, what I realized is that... (Spoiler alert if you haven't seen mi2 which is from,,,literally 25 years ago)

...that a lot of my favorites are actually the villains in Ethan's mask!?!? I find it very funny but then it would not be fair to do that, maybe I can do that as a bonus one after everything? Anyway eventually I picked Ethan in this grey-ish blue shirt with a vest:

I think this was technically still part of the disguise of Nekhovich, but it was pretty cute (and I'm running out of options)

My favorite part of this look is actually the disheveled hair due to the removal of the mask, and it's also super fun to draw :D

Mission: Impossible 3 (finally)

My first choice of Ethan's look in mi3 is actually the one with the brown suede jacket, which is also the one with the most screen time (I think?)

The second one that came into my mind is the tactical suit during the mission to rescue Lindsey, which is also something l like a lot but never really reappeared on screen:

(btw do you know how hard it is to find anything that's neither pitch black nor blurry while showing the suit during this sequence, this is the best I can do)

But as I put them next to Benji...none of them feels right!? At that point I realized I had no other choice than this aforementioned all-black T-shirt and jeans combo when he called Benji in Shanghai.

I am not complaining about anything, the beaten-up Ethan and the blood are all part of the look and they are VERY GOOD (I mean to draw).

Speaking of Benji, before doing this, I genuinely thought he only had one costume, the one when he's rambling about the rabbit's foot:

But the one when Ethan called him is actually slightly different! I think it was the same blue jacket that gave me the impression of only one costume:

Anyway, I actually preferred the rabbit's foot one, but again for pairing him with Ethan I went with the second one.

Btw I cannot find anything about what pants Benji wears in the movie, so I had to make something up. Judging from the dress code of the IMF at that time, I guess it was probably also something dark or black, colorless, and probably not really Benji's choice of clothing.

Another thing I realized from this is that Benji in his pre-field agent days might be quite sensitive to the cold? In both of the IMF office scenes, he wore at least 4 layers and he kept his jacket on, in comparison Ethan only wears a light sweater while Luther is wearing a sweater and a jacket, no one else in the IMF seems to wear as much as Benji did:

It was probably just part of the character building, to have this kind of geeky-nerdy look? He doesn't seem to wear particularly more than others in the following series.

Anyway that's all of my ramblings for my fav looks in mi1-3! If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading, and looking forward to seeing you again maybe tomorrow ;)

[notesofthemountain]

A Foolish Thing

♡ Author’s Note: English isn’t my first language, so I’m sorry if some parts are unclear or awkward. Writing this took more out of me than I expected but I really hope you enjoy reading it. Any feedback or suggestions are more than welcome! Please remember this is fiction, and not everything should be taken too seriously. Thank you so much for reading ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

♡ Content: Angst, Romance, Xu Minghao x Reader, Reader is the 14th member of svt, mentions of alcohol

It hadn't been a good press conference.

Most of the journalists had focused more on your personal life than on your work as an artist or your thoughts on the upcoming comeback.

Even though the guys tried to steer the questions in another direction—and you yourself gave short answers to avoid giving them more to latch onto—the discomfort lingered.

As if your work didn’t matter. Or worse, as if it wasn’t interesting enough.

But it wasn’t just that. 

It wasn’t just the lack of recognition that weighed on you. There was also the growing distance between you and a certain member of the group.

The8. Or, well… Hao.

You used to always be together—the duo everyone recognized, on and off stage. But lately… something had shifted. You tried to hide it in public, smiled like always, kept your composure. But for the fans—and for yourself—it was obvious: something had happened.

And yes. Something had. 

Something you’d been holding back for a long time.

Something that slipped out on a night when your heart was more vulnerable than ever.

-

Flashback:

The dinner had been great. Warm food, cold drinks, and that perfect laid-back vibe that only happens with friends. You were tipsy enough to lose some coordination, but not enough to stop. Another drink didn’t sound so bad.

You were sitting between Jun and Minghao, both of whom were clearly more sober than you—and watching you closely.

“This is your last drink, Y/N. Tomorrow, you’re going to wake up with a hangover that pins you to the bed,” Hao warned, trying to take your glass.

You laughed at him, teasingly. “But I’m perfectly fine! Look at Hoshi—he’s so drunk he doesn’t even know what planet we’re on,” you said, pointing at the “tiger man,” who was hugging Woozi like a toddler while Mingyu filmed the whole scene.

“Even so, sweetheart… do you want to make a fool of yourself again? So we end up with more blackmail videos?” Hao said, nudging Jun to take out his phone like a threat.

“No, no, please don’t! I promise this is the last one!” you grinned, and Hao patted your head affectionately.

Spoiler: it wasn’t the last. A couple more followed—along with your usual excuses: “I have to enjoy myself,” “I’m young,” “Nothing’s going to happen.”And nothing would’ve happened… until it did.

By the time dinner ended, and several members were practically passed out, Hao was one of the few still sober enough to walk you home.

“Look at me, playing the responsible parent again,” he muttered as you walked together. “I’m seriously asking S.Coups hyung for a raise.”

You laughed and wrapped your arms around his neck.

“That’s why you’re my favorite, Hao. Because you always take care of me,” you whispered into his skin.

You didn’t see it, but he shivered. Your breath, your words, your closeness—it all hit him at once.

Once inside, Hao led you to your bed. You collapsed onto your pile of cushions and stuffed animals, smiling sleepily. He pulled a sheet over you, gently stroked your hair once, and whispered:

“Good night, sweetheart.”

But as he turned to leave, you grabbed his wrist and tugged him down until he was nearly on top of you. Your arms clung to him like a koala.

“Don’t go,” you whispered. “Not tonight.”

He froze. Braced himself on both sides so he wouldn’t crush you—trying to keep a little space between your bodies. “I can’t do this again if you’re not by my side,” you murmured against his neck.

You buried your face in the crook of his shoulder. His scent—fresh, warm, undeniably him—wrapped around you.

“What are you saying, Y/N? Don’t talk nonsense" he asked softly. “Don’t say things you’ll regret tomorrow.”

Maybe he was imagining it. Maybe it was just the alcohol—in your system or his. But his heart was pounding.

“It’s not nonsense,” you said, pulling back to look at him. “Being in love with you, Hao… is that nonsense?”

Your eyes were glistening. Cheeks flushed. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it wasn’t.

Minghao swallowed hard. He felt heat rising to his own face. A jolt of fear hit him—because if there was one thing he knew, it was that you didn’t speak lightly. But… what if you didn’t mean it? What if it was just the alcohol talking?

“Y/N…” he whispered, reaching for something to say, to hold onto. But before he could say anything, you had already fallen asleep.

Your slow, even breathing filled the silence—along with his own racing heartbeat. He stared at you for a moment longer. Then, with a lump in his throat, he gently pulled away.

How could he tell you that love had never been a foolish thing to him? That he’d loved you for years. That he noticed everything. That you were the most talented, the most deserving.

But he also knew how the world worked. And that they wouldn’t make it easy.

With his heart clenched, he left your room. But not before leaving a note: “Take something for the headache. And drink water, please.”

If only things were simpler...

-

The next morning, you barely remembered what had happened. But you did notice one thing: Hao had grown distant. All week, he barely spoke to you.

You messaged him a few times, asking if everything was okay. His replies were short. Simple. “Everything’s fine.” But that didn’t explain a thing.

Until that one sentence came back to you: Love, a nonsense? In love?

You knew he wouldn’t forget it. And now, neither would you.

If only you’d kept quiet.

If only those feelings had stayed buried.

If only…

-

Present:

After the interview, you walked straight to the break room, avoiding everyone’s gaze. You could feel their looks—sympathetic, apologetic. Some had even offered you tea, snacks… anything to lift your spirits.

You sank into one of the chairs. Then, you heard the door open—and soft footsteps approaching.

You didn’t need to turn. You knew it was him.

The one who hadn’t said a word to you all day… but whose worried glances had spoken plenty.

“Are you okay?” Hao asked, standing in front of you, his voice laced with worry.

You sighed deeply before answering. Then looked straight into his eyes. You’d seen those eyes so many times over the years… But even just a few days without them had felt like forever.

“Of course not, Minghao,” you whispered. “Of course not.”

“I’m not okay. It’s not the first time they’ve dismissed my work. And I know it won’t be the last. But do you know why I’m really not okay? Because you’re not here. Not really.” Your voice wavered, but you held his gaze. “If you really think what I said wasn’t true… you’re wrong, Hao.”

It came out sharper than you intended—but you couldn’t hold it in any longer. You had to tell him. You had to explain.

“Y/N… you know I love you. You’re important to me,” he began.

“But not the way I love you, right?” you cut in. “I’m just your friend. Just your colleague. That’s what you’re going to say, isn’t it?”

Minghao’s face shifted—his jaw tensed. His expression turned serious. He stepped closer, as if your words had slapped him.

“And how would you know that?” he snapped softly. “Did you read my mind?”

“Y/N, I know I’ve been distant… but that doesn’t mean—”

“Mean what?” you shot back. “You’ve ignored me, Hao! You—of all people—used to always be there. I didn’t need to read your mind. Your actions said it all.”

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Instead, he took another step forward—close enough for you to smell him. That scent that still undid you.

“Y/N… if only things were that simple. If what you said was true— God, if it is true—then you have no idea.”

He gently took your face in his hands.

“If it were easy, I would’ve already locked you in a room with me and never let you go—not until the sun made us.” His voice dropped to a whisper.

“I’m sorry for pushing you away. But think about our situation.I would never ignore how you feel. Never. But I would give up what I feel, if it meant protecting everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

You looked at him, eyes wide, breathing uneven—your body trembling with emotion.

“If you really mean that, Hao… Why can’t we face it together?” you whispered, your tears starting to fall. “Yes, work matters. But we matter too.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I really am,” he whispered, cradling your face, catching your tears.

“You’re so talented… and if loving you ruins everything we’ve built—” His voice cracked. “Don’t cry. Please, don’t cry, baby.”

“I don’t care about that anymore,” you sobbed, pressing your face to his chest. “Loving you is never going to be an obstacle. Not for me. Is it… for you?”

He held you tighter, shocked by your words. An obstacle? You had never been one. You were everything.

This wasn’t how he’d planned it. He just wanted to cheer you up. Maybe curse at that rude interviewer. Not end up holding you while you cried—because he had made you cry.

“You’re not an obstacle, Y/N. You’re everything to me. I swear,” he said, pressing his lips to your hair.

You kept sobbing, clutching his shirt. He ran his hand over your back, whispering: “I was a coward. A fool. I pushed you away and made you doubt everything. I hurt you. And I hate myself for it.”

“You have been an idiot, Hao,” you whispered, hitting his chest weakly.

“I know I have. But let me fix it, please. I’ll do anything. I’ll drop to my knees if I have to—just please… don’t cry anymore.”

You slowly began to calm down. The hiccup in your throat refused to leave, but you pulled back just enough to look at him. He wiped your cheeks and kissed them gently.

“Look at what I’ve done to you… I won’t make you cry again. I promise,” he whispered, brushing his lips across your skin.

“So… are you going to stay this time? Or run away again?” you asked, voice trembling.

He smiled softly and pulled you against his chest. “I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Y/N. I always have. And I know now—we can handle anything. As long as we’re together.”

With those words, you hugged him tightly and kissed his shoulder. You let him take care of you.

Yes, maybe things wouldn’t be easy. But you were in love.

And with love… you’d face it side by side.

-

/ᐠ. ｡.ᐟ\ᵐᵉᵒʷˎˊ˗

[22ayla21]

OMG!! I just discovered your blog and I love every single one of your fics, especially the ones with Vil, he's my HUSBANDO!! So, I was curious, If I may request a Vil Schoenheit x reader, where the family is getting ready for a family photo, and Vil and reader's daughter wants to look as beautiful as her father, like in his photoshoots and movies, so she decides to go to her parents' bedroom and gets into Vil’s makeup, but it ends in a glittery mess. Terrified of what her father will say about the mess and thinking he'll get mad, she tries to clean it up, but Vil walks into the room. But, instead of being upset, he kneels down and helps her with the makeup, even if it’s horribly uneven, for the family photo? -Vil's Waifu Anon

A Glittering Mess

Vil's daughter decides to do her own makeup before a family photo shoot and turns her father's office into a glittering mess.

It was the long-awaited day of the Schoenheit family photoshoot, and an extraordinary buzz filled the house from early morning. Bright sunlight streamed into the spacious rooms, and from the kitchen came the clinking of dishes and the appetizing aroma of fresh pastries—Mom was preparing something special for such an important occasion. Vil wanted to capture this day perfectly, so he organized everything himself: he invited a professional photographer, selected outfits, and even thought through the color palette for the background to ensure everything would be ideal. As always, flawless.

Vil paced around the house, adjusting his tie and clarifying details on composition and lighting, while in another part of the house, a completely different story was unfolding. His seven-year-old daughter, a true little star with curly hair and eyes full of curiosity, stood at the door of her father's study. This room was his sanctuary—a true corner of beauty and art, where his entire collection of cosmetics, perfumes, brushes, polishes, and accessories was kept. Usually, Vil only allowed her to enter with him, and his daughter would listen with reverence to his explanations.

But today... Today, she wanted to be as beautiful as her dad. In a light lavender dress and neatly styled hair, she felt almost like a princess. Almost. Because in family photos, Dad always looked especially good—with a radiant face, a soft shimmer on his lips, a mysterious sparkle in his eyes, and she wanted to look just like him. Not just cute. But magnificent, like him.

She quietly opened the door and slipped inside. The room was immaculate, like an exhibition hall: brushes were arranged by size, palettes by color, and lipsticks and blushes gleamed under the lights.

"Dad will never notice," she whispered to herself, though her heart pounded wildly.

At first, everything went well. She remembered that Dad always applied something to his skin first—she found a jar and generously squeezed out some cream. Then foundation—she chose one that shimmered beautifully. Next, shiny eyeshadow, pink blush, and, of course, lipstick! Red, bright. She had never felt so beautiful.

But then the brushes... they started falling when she reached for a shelf. One bottle of glitter fell and scattered across the floor, another, with pigment, spilled onto the rug. Her dress was already stained, and the mirror showed... not quite an ideal look. The makeup had run, her eyes looked like a panda's, and the lipstick was smeared almost up to her ear.

She froze.

Fear ran like a cold shadow down her spine. What had she done? This was Dad's room. He treasured it so much. He would say she hadn't listened, that she'd ruined his things...

She tried to gather the glitter with her hands, but only spread it more across the rug. Panic mounted. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes.

Just then, the door opened.

"Sweetheart?" Vil called out and froze in the doorway, seeing the scene.

The floor was covered in glitter, the rug in eyeshadow, brushes everywhere, and in the center of the room—his little girl, covered in makeup as if a tornado had done it, with a trembling lower lip and eyes full of fright.

She looked up at him.

"Sorry, Dad... I... I wanted to be as beautiful as you..."

These words struck Vil harder than any reproach.

He was silent for only a couple of seconds, but for her, it was an eternity. And then... he knelt down.

"Oh, meine Kleine," he whispered, gently taking her hands. "You are already the most beautiful girl in the world. Even if your lipstick ran onto your cheek."

She sobbed.

"I ruined everything..."

"No, you didn't ruin it. You just... added a little creativity."

He smiled, took a tissue, and gently began to wipe the makeup from her cheeks. Not with anger. Not with irritation. With the love and patience that only a father has, for whom "perfect" isn't a clean palette, but a happy daughter.

When everything was cleaned up, he took his smallest brush, his safest and gentlest eyeshadow palette, and carefully, with the precision of an artist, drew a delicate shimmer on his daughter's eyelids, added a touch of blush, and a gloss to her lips—with a light cherry scent.

"Now," he said, stepping back and admiring her, "you're a real movie star. Ready for the photo?"

She glowed. Not from glitter. From happiness.

Later, when they posed for the family photo, the photographer noticed how Vil looked at his daughter—not as a little girl, but as an equal, a radiant star in his world. And the light makeup he had applied to her became an integral part of the shot. Not as an embellishment. But as a symbol of trust, support, and unconditional love.

[hydeandseek128]

Adding on to say: The last bit of Loopquest (the very end of Act 4) where you talk with Loop gives us some more insight as well, and I think that's worth looking into. In this dialogue, they'll always mention Siffrin looping back because of Kingquest and the Loop hangout, where Siffrin doesn't die, but they will also mention some of the other events depending on if you have done them: Bad Touch event, Stupid Rotten Adults, Sus Event, Sadnesses, and Ghosts. (I also think it's interesting that Mirabelle is the only one whose sidequest doesn't result in Siffrin looping back but that's a post for another time.) For all of them, it's something about the party/the person in question hating Sif or being scared of them, but for the Ghost event:

This is very notably different from the other events Loop mentions for a variety of reasons, but there are two big things that I think are important to notice (three, actually, but we'll get to that last one in a sec).

Siffrin is terrified of the ghost. On the surface, this seems like Siffrin's fear of ghosts (as confirmed by ID5) manifesting, and it fits with the dialogue we see in the scene. ("You don't know what they are, maybe they're dangerous-") However, I think this is actually more important than it seems. Again, we'll get to that.

Siffrin is insistent on knowing what exactly the ghost did. Notice his dialogue after it disappears.

Part of this is definitely concern for Mirabelle, but they keep pushing Isabeau in a way that seems out of character for him. What did it say? (What did it do to upset them? How did you manage to ruin this?)

This is pretty much confirmed by the Loop dialogue (aka the secret third thing):

The ghost version of Siffrin wanted to see the party, and Isabeau thought it was weird. (It could be "sad," but the word "weird" is repeated more throughout the event, so that's what I'm going for.) Isa thinks it's weird how Siffrin reacted. It's weird and sad and gross, and so they want to move on. Maybe it's not that they don't care, it's something worse.

Loop's response really seals the deal here.

Loop says a lot of stuff that they don't take back - the moment that comes to mind is the Act 4-exclusive chat you can have with them if you kept the dagger.

There's some other stuff as well - blaming Siffrin for their role in the end of Kingquest, namely - but this is a big one to me. Loop doesn't apologize for accusing Siffrin of seeing his family as nothing more than actors, but they do for saying...a clone of him probably had a gross smile? It's such a strange thing for them to remember.

But maybe it's because it hits just a little too close to home. Because in the end, SIffrin loves them "enough for even a reflection of [them] to react like this." Because he feels as if the party doesn't care about what he's going through. And because, most importantly, the "real" him is weird and sad and disgusting.

I think Siffrin's fear of revealing their "true self" to the party isn't really talked about enough, but it's a vital part of why they loop for so long in the first place, and it is exactly why the Legendary Act 5 Crashout happens the way it does. Ghosts event is a showcase of why the loops are happening in the first place, and the fact that it's so different from the other "Sif loops back" sidequests yet so fundamentally similar makes it so goddamn interesting.

this post made me think about the ghost scene again and i realized it’s a little different from most of the times Siffrin loops back without dying

usually it’s because of something Siffrin does. they say or do something that causes the others to react so badly that he believes it’s impossible to repair the relationship after that, things will never be the same because of what he did, the others must hate or fear him now

pushing Bonnie’s boundaries until they scream at him. kissing Isa and being pushed away. goading Odile into demanding answers that they are too scared to give. action and response, mistake and consequence, and a refusal to push through the messiness to the other side to see if it can be fixed or if it’s actually broken forever.

Siffrin….doesn’t really “mess up” the ghost encounter. the party doesn’t respond a particular way because of something in his control. there’s no fear or anger or confrontation. they just react how they react to the situation at hand.

but their response isn’t something that Siffrin can bear to accept. to know their family could see that and move on like it’s nothing, where a shadow of himself acts so strange and desperate and sad and everyone just…..walks away. would they do the same if it was the real Siffrin standing there, in tears?

better to start over. don’t let the scenario play out that poses that question. you don’t want to live in the timeline where they’ve given their answer.

[aramblingjay]

my thoughts on tog 2 (SPOILERS AHEAD!)

overall: it was lovely to see these beloved characters back, they opened a lot of doors to explore in fanfic and i have no doubt the talented writers in this fandom will deliver, but the movie was too short and too packed with retcon lore drops

-can’t believe we waited so long just for that, i feel they missed that the characters were the beating emotional heart of the first movie and thought we wanted a mediocre action flick instead

-feeling very vindicated about my joe as fire, nicky as ice headcannon. it always seemed so clear to me that joe was angry at booker in a fast, explosive way but nicky is the one to be afraid of. the one who believes strongly in consequences for actions and atoning for crimes and would accept his own sadness at booker’s exile as a kind of necessity rather than do anything to break the terms of booker’s punishment. ofc it’s joe, the big softie, who would break first. my favorite bit of character work in the whole movie pretty much

-where was joe and nicky’s discussion about all this?!!! joe lied to him! nicky caught him in it pretty quickly but joe lied! i want to watch them have a mature, emotional conversation about it the way only two people who have known each other for 900 years can. i wanted conflict and resolution, not just one (no matter how beautiful) scene of nicky declaring his love for joe and Head Bonk TM

-i did really enjoy nicky’s simple but no less beautiful than joe’s Van Speech declaration of his love. and the Head Bonk. oh, the poems i could write about the Head Bonk

-what happened to nile?!!! she was the beating heart of the first movie and she was just. there in this one. they did her so dirty, she was a weapon more than a person

-all the lore retcon and random exposition was wild and unnecessary. one of the things i loved about the first movie is how consistently and interestingly they painted the world. the dreams were fascinating and added world building insight in a thoughtful way. now there’s tuah and discord and nobody dreamed of them?! andy kept tuah a secret ALL these years from the closest people to her in the world?! nile and discord have some birthmark that makes her a destroyer?! there was potential to do something interesting with quynh being back and they ruined it. what is this

-i loved the ending scene with andy and quynh. gorgeous. beautiful. soft. my immortal wives. the rest of it… there was not enough time and weight given to the emotional significance of that reunion, the complicated conversations they would need to have, the fact that joe and nicky also lost quynh and just got her back… none of it. i have read fanfics that did it so well and brought me to tears and in the movie i was just sort of. bored

-booker. booker booker booker. killing off a suicidal character in a self-sacrificial way and claiming that’s a good ending. seen that one before. didn’t like it this time either. made all the worse because there was no reconciliation between booker and the boys, barely a conversation even. and he didn’t have to die there, so it was just a stupid suicidal sacrifice rather than a meaningful one. wtf

-the ending was stupid. what a waste of 1hr 45mins just to resolve nothing and set up a sequel we probably won’t get. just. UGH. remember when movies actually had a completed coherent arc and plot and not everything was a desperate corporate cash grab?

-i did not want more of the movie necessarily but also it was too short. nothing happened. another 30 mins of runtime and maybe we could’ve seen some actual conversations, more team as family moments, more tension instead of action with no real stakes or drama, more character development. instead we got this

however, i can’t wait for fandom to get their hands on the bones of this movie and fix it in ways that will bring me to tears

[bunnylives]

Hi, i hope i'm not bothering you too much, i just really like when you yap about your work and your visions, so I am just curious. I remember you started to create a drama love triangle between Fernando, Lance and Esteban and you said that some of Lance's kids are from Fernando and some from Esteban, so I am curious do you have a vision of how their kids look? Or if you have some headcanons about their kids? I am just so invested in this bizarre love triangle and i loved when you posted your visions of Carlos' kids with his lovely omega wifes, so I am highly interested in your thoughts.

So in my au Lance got to marry Fernando literally as a present for his 18th birthday. I know it's messy to literally buy an alpha for your little omega son but hey Lawrence wants to give everything to his little princess Lancey. Now when it was announced on Lance's birthday that he gets THE Fernando Alonso as a husband, the icon that has been plastered from magazine cutouts and posters on his wall, the one he was his first ever star crush Lance wanted to jump out of his skin both from joy and embarrassment. He thought nothing could top having the Jonas Brothers perform at his bar mitzvah on the scale of public embarrassment but he was wrong. The problem is that his father loves him so much he'd give him anything Lance wanted even if he didn't ask for. And this was at the top of that chart. Not only that but him and Esteban were secretly dating behind the scenes, their little puppy love just taking off and now it could never come to fruition because Lance was basically sold off into or well an alpha was sold off into marrying him. Lance was far too embarrassed at the moment to ask his father to stop the celebration and he was reserved to awkwardly fiddle with his dress and stare at his fingers or the wall or anywhere but at Esteban across the room just as shocked as he was. Lance tried to ask his father to call off the wedding afterwards, which felt like pure torture being in a salon with his parents and the star world-champion alpha they just paid off to marry him but it was to no avail. Both of his parents deemed alonso a better fit for Lance than Esteban ever could be considering his background and prospects.

Alonso wasn't the nicest of alphas back then mind you, he had his own agenda and ailments. The omegas he loved and\or had his children all kept it under the radar and married different alphas as if he was some sort of embarrassment to them and he was sick and tired of not being proudly showed off as he deserved, and hey he could play the good guy and step up to defend Ocon, he himself came from nothing, but why would he blow such a good deal away just to be fucking nice? He gets paid a handsome amount, has job security for life, gets his fair share from the family fortune and gets to marry a young gorgeous although still gangly and pimply little omega heiress. Sure Lance was an awkward teenager but he would grow into his features and grow out of that embarrassing behaviour of his. And it wasn't like Alonso signed a deal for complete loyalty, if he wanted to he could still roam the town like the hound dog he was. He just had to put a baby in Lancey and all was good, his husbandly duties done and dealt with.

So that's what he did on the honeymoon. Fernando Jr was a healthy strong alpha boy born 2017 and everything Fernando wanted. A child he can show to the world that it was his own born out of a legitimate marriage. He loved his other children too, God knows he did, but Jr was something special and he was so delighted by him he actually started falling for that annoying little tart that was the mother of his son. Lance was a beauty pregnant and freshly after giving birth and not even God could have held him back from putting another baby in him as soon as the doctor approved and Sephora was born in 2018.

Now Alonso realized he was growing soft on Lance. Every time the boy would say he loved him Alonso would get cold feet and try to somehow avoid answering, as if saying it back would make him a lesser man. All he could think about when Lance said those words were the times Alonso himself got left hanging or worse laughed at when he said them in the past. Michael was his icon, his idol when he was Lance's age and when he got to actually bed the world champion omega back in the day, he was over the moon with emotion and kept telling him he loved him without any filter, which amused Michael thoroughly and he kept calling him a silly boy for it. Even though he gave him a son, Michael still would never say it back. Nor would Kimi, no matter how many times Alonso begged him to, no matter how many children they had together. Jenson would say it, but only to humor him, and that somehow hurt worse, so Alonso didn't dare to utter them again, which of course made their young marriage bed grow cold. Hence why it was a surprise when Gabriel, another alpha boy was born in 2020 when the months couldn't have possibly added up to make Fernando the father and they both knew it. Lance didn't say anything at first but Alonso noticed how Lance's old puppy love loomed around him, Ocon not even subtle when he was holding the child in his arms that bore Alonso's last name but Esteban's eyes. Two years later in 2022 Delilah, an omega girl was born already in France to Lance and Alonso thought enough was enough, sure he didn't say he loved Lance and he himself fucked around but his wife bearing children to some other alpha was seriously pissing him off.

Levi, an omega son, was born in 2024, bearing all of Fernando's charm and could never be questioned on who his daddy is. As retaliation, Lance is currently pregnant with Emmanuel, another omega son but to Ocon this time, and he'll be due in December of 2025.

So currently Lance has five babies with one on the way but he'll have four more: Eli, from Alonso, Electra from Ocon, Estèe again from Alonso and Isaac from Ocon. A total of ten kids with five being from Fernando and five from Esteban, and they have the strangest but considering the circumstances on the grid the most well balanced love/hate triangle.

Sorry for yapping so much lmao it's just really fun to explain

[andyjagerin]

The Three Lotus Gut Pt.1 | KPOP Demon Hunters Fandom

Summary: Our girls are determined to bring Jinu back to life. Although his soul was supposedly freed, a dark entity has trapped him in the astral plane. To save him, they must uncover the lost Ritual of the Three White Lotus, a forgotten ceremony said to pull a spirit back into the world of the living.

But just as hope begins to flicker, everything takes a terrible turn.

A spell gone wrong catapults them into a version of Korea that no longer exists. deep into the heart of the Joseon Dynasty, year 1625. Now stranded in a past that isn't theirs, in a world ruled by shadows and secrets, they must find a way to return home before it’s too late.

Will they make it back in time to record their next album... and save the great love of Rumi’s life?

Word Count: 995

Author’s Note: Hi! I’m Andy.

I want to clarify that English isn’t my first language, but I’m doing my best—so if my writing feels a little stiff, that’s probably why!

I absolutely love everything about the KPOP Demon Hunters universe. I'm a History student, and I’m also autistic with ADHD, so you’ll notice I weave in lots of historical elements (though some parts will definitely be made up for fun).

I truly hope you enjoy the story ❤️

(And don’t worry, yes, there will be some spicy scenes later on. But for now, the girls are just trying to survive!)

I stood before him once again, in the heart of Hwanbeom-sa, the temple lost among the mountains, where the mudang, ancient priestesses, once said time could fold like an old scroll. The walls, covered in carved symbols no one remembered how to translate, seemed to whisper prayers that unraveled into the cold air. The dark wooden columns creaked with a sound far too close to a human wail. The paper lanterns hanging in rows above our heads trembled with an irregular rhythm, as if something invisible were breathing over them, holding a breath that didn’t belong to this world.

The air smelled of stale incense, centuries-old dampness, and a faint scent of melted wax. Every time I inhaled, that smell clung to my throat, making it rougher, harder to use. Each step I took on the polished stone floor echoed too loudly, a sound that spread like a warning: the darkness was listening. The shadows were so thick they felt like liquid veils, suspended between us and the exit I no longer remembered.

His eyes, supernatural orange, lit with a glow that belonged neither to flesh nor blood, watched me from the center of the empty hall. When he blinked, his vertical pupils dilated, deep and black like a well, then turned human again, as if for one brief moment he remembered he had once been a man. And that was when I understood, with a certainty that froze my blood, that he was also afraid.

“Rumi...” His voice was barely a thread, torn and broken, as if it reached me from the bottom of an abyss where light had never existed. “Help me... you're the only one who can save me.”

“Jinu!” I begged, my throat tightening into a knot. “Tell me how\... what I have to do... please.”

Silence fell with such brutal weight that it crushed my chest. The temple’s atmosphere grew thicker, almost tangible, as if something massive stirred beneath the stones. Behind me, a deep crack ran through the walls, like the whole building was splitting from the inside. But I didn’t dare turn around. Something told me that if I did, I would never come back.

“Help me... Rumi...”

After that, his lips moved one last time, with such a desperate effort it hurt to watch. But no sound came out. Only silence. And then, the nearest lantern went out in an instant, as if an invisible hand had ripped it from reality, and a freezing wind swept through the hall, cutting my skin, filling my mouth with the taste of ashes.

The last image I kept before everything dissolved into shadow was his gaze, the silent plea, the terror of someone who no longer belonged anywhere.

I woke with a jolt, heart pounding against my ribs like a war drum, the echo of his voice still clinging to my ears.

A sharp knock at the door broke my stupor, and before I could answer, Zoey and Mira burst into my room. The air from the Huntrix tower swirled around them, scented with spicy ramyeon and aromatic candles. Their hair was tousled, their breathing heavy, eyes wide with concern. Their footsteps on the ceramic floor echoed with a rhythm that reminded me of funeral bells.

“Rumi...” Zoey murmured, stopping just a few steps from my bed. “Are you... crying again?”

“I’m fine, girls. Or... I think I am.” I wiped my tears with a trembling hand that betrayed the lie. “It’s just that...”

Mira approached cautiously, as if afraid I might shatter if she moved too fast. She had that blend of toughness and tenderness that always disarmed me. She sat beside me and placed her hand on my shoulder. Her warmth was the only thing anchoring me to the present.

“You still miss him...” she said with a sigh so sad it made my chest ache. “I don’t get it. He was a demon, Rumi. He hurt people. Souls were lost. People died. And in the end, he redeemed himself... his soul should be free now. Shouldn’t you feel... at peace?”

“No, Mira. That’s not it.” I met her gaze, even though my eyes burned. “He’s not at peace. He’s lost somewhere... and he needs me.”

Zoey closed her eyes for a second, as if chewing something bitter. Then she sat at the edge of the bed and stayed very still, fists clenched on her knees. The silence between us was so heavy, it felt like it had shape.

“Ever since I accepted I’m half demon...” I went on, my voice in tatters, “I’ve dreamed of incredible places. Breathing forests. Temples that vanish under impossible skies... But these last few nights, everything changed. I’m stuck in a horrible loop. Always the same nightmare. Always him, begging me for help... And I know, with every part of me, that it’s not just a dream.”

I said it with a seriousness that surprised even me. For a moment, neither of them dared to speak. Mira tightened her grip on my shoulder, and Zoey slowly opened her eyes, looking at me with something that wasn’t quite disbelief. It was something else. Something that looked far too much like hope.

And in that silence, as the first light of dawn filtered through the tall windows, I understood that it didn’t matter what it cost, I was going to find him. Even if I had to cross every forgotten temple and face every shadow. Even if the nightmare became real.

“I have to save Jinu.”

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading this whole thing ❤️

[skitskatdacat63]

Every time I read Fernando cursing in fic, I can only think about this clip and then my brain short-circuits

[bericas]

we spent what was left of our serotonin to chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment ate a sleeve of saltines on my floor, and i knew then— i will do anything you want me to. i will do anything for you i will do anything, i will do anything whatever you want me to do, i will do.

[mug-of-shark]

"feels lame in comparison to everyone else" and proceeds to include a batshit crazy experience in the tags

kitt

kitt you can't do that to me

....

did you ever find out where the blood was from?

unfortunately (or fortunately?) i did not

that school system did have a pretty hefty issue w violence though, so i’m assuming some 7th graders just decided fuck this and committed a violence

my personal thought is someone got beat down against the wall by multiple people bc iirc there were like smears in addition to splats

and uh. and then i went to art class and drew furries while being annoyed at my teacher (for being sucks) and my friends friend (also for being sucks. she had a tendency to punch people and then guilt trip you about being like dude don’t punch me)

[noblehcart]

-headdesk- writers agony is seeing your 200 page doc turn into 150.

[papercutsmp3]

bro is inquisitive

[shrekshugebadussy]

started playing The Arcana again bcuz i forgot it was a thing and i never finished it (only got halfway thru Asra’s route) & i got very curious about Lucio’s route since he’s practically the dead one & how that would work and let me tell you when that motherfucker opened his mouth… yeah i knew i was in trouble 🙃

[skitskatdacat63]

Everyone in The Talented Mr Ripley is just the physical embodiment of a Leyendecker painting(including the homoerotica!!)