#i keep trying to watch other stuff but i cant focus + its keeping me sane

[akc-g]

weird weekend

[is-this-yuri]

have you been doomscrolling? feeling awful about it? do you feel out of control? does it seem your autonomy has been swallowed by the ever present beast that is the internet?

we live in the most overwhelmingly stimulating age of humanity ever seen, and it's only getting worse. our brains are sponges, soaking up whatever we smear them across, and it seems more and more difficult to find a clean surface to rest on. i'm no expert or professional, but ive been born and raised into the internet, and i'd like to hand out some wisdom regarding this.

the main issue: brain poison

since the brain absorbs whatever it's exposed to, media consumption is unsurprisingly going to effect it. the type of media, the amount of media, and the frequency of the media all play a factor.

it's not the internet itself that's bad here. it's the media on the internet, and the platforms designed to suck in our attention and keep it there until we're rotting inside our skulls.

we're never going to escape the internet. it's just a fact of life now, and a tool that can be used for wonderful things. so how do we learn to live with the internet and take advantage of its potential?

treat it like a dietary balance

staying aware of what goes in your brain is just as important as being aware of what you're eating. if you eat carelessly, don't listen to how your body feels after you eat certain things, and ignore any sickness that might result from rotten food, you're going to have a bad time and wreck your guts. the same goes for the brain.

you want to have a good mix of various types of media in the right amounts, or approximately so. if things are feeling bland, maybe diversify. if things are feeling stupid, try something more intellectual. if it's feeling too much, cut back on all of it

the following are three things you can do to maintain a sense of control and awareness over your media diet. this isnt a step by step and is in no particular order, theyre just ideas to carry forward in general any time it could be helpful.

1. digest

this is the process of thinking about and remembering what youve done throughout your time on the internet. it could apply to any period of time. so you might think, 'man, i've done nothing but watch tiktok all day.' or 'i've been scrolling twitter a lot more this past week.'

i feel like most people already do this to some extent, but it manifests as a fleeting sense of anxiety or shame that doesn't lead anywhere. analyze that feeling, and ask if it's really true or helpful.

ask if your media consumption is making you feel less focused, distracted, putting you into a brain fog, making you fall asleep when you don't want to, making you irritable and angry, drawing you into arguments, keeping you awake at night, or upsetting/disrupting you in any way.

digestion also means appreciating the good stuff and recognizing the good feelings you get too. so also ask if it's enriching you, helping you learn something new, giving you a new perspective, exposing you to something beautiful, passing the time, relaxing you, honing your focus, or generally lifting your mood.

2. cut

cut certain types of content from your life once you've decided they're not good for your media diet. block people. move on. tell youtube to stop reccomending that channel. block them. unfollow people. unfollow tags. block the tags. blacklist things. do it. forget the awful things that make your brain hurty. click the block button. uninstall the app. you know you want to

consider removing yourself entirely from websites that are designed to be attention predators. if you consistently feel like youre 'stuck' on a site and cant leave, it's probably best to just delete your account and get out of there. tiktok is NOTORIOUS for this.

i also tend to keep my following or subscribed count low. keeping the stream of content short forces me to find other things to do with my time. this goes hand in hand with things like turning off infinite scroll. it provides an 'end point' where the repetitive action of scrolling down stops bearing fruit, breaking the doomscrolling cycle. the internet is almost an infinite place, and its up to you to build walls around yourself so you arent lost in it forever.

its also important to get off the internet in general sometimes. i know this is obvious, but literally touch grass on occasion. doing anything with your physical body away from the screen will be more enriching than sitting there scrolling for hours. whether it's just a 5 minute walk around your house to stretch your legs or a 6 hour hike every weekend, part of cutting media will mean replacing it with real life. looking at some plants, doing a pushup, or working on a knitting project can be like rinsing your brain sponge under some cold, clean water.

3. curate

the flip side of cutting is curating. you'll want to be looking for media that makes you happy and feels productive or meaningful in some way. anything that not only doesnt make you feel like you wasted your time, but specifically makes you feel like you spent your time well, is a green flag.

keep in mind entertainment just for entertainment's sake is good for you too. you don't have to be watching university lectures and tutorials and stuff all day. finding high quality entertainment, such as personalities you enjoy, good production values, and inventive ideas can be really difficult. find the people who dont make you feel like a cocomelon baby and stick with them. from there you should be able to find similar content.

what's good for your soul is going to depend very much on you as an individual. this is also going to be an ongoing process as not only you but the internet both change and evolve. the important thing about this step is that you Make Decisions about what to consume. even bad decisions! it's all part of the process, and it's all about reclaiming your autonomy.

4. eat your junk food

this isn't a military drill or an exact science. i'm just a guy on tumblr with an intimate connection to his own brain and a LOT of time on the internet. that's my only credential. sometimes i want to turn that brain off and just mindlessly consume without putting any thought into what dirty dishwater is soaking into my sponge. sometimes adhd brain wants me to watch a shitty B movie in recap form so i dont have to commit to a full movie. sometimes i get stuck in the youtube shorts for like 3 hours.

that's fine. the most important part of any kind of self care is that a little bit is better than nothing. even just being aware that youre consuming something bad for you and knowing you arent ready to stop just yet is better than nothing.

thats it!!

now you should be prepared to take back some control over your media consumption. be gentle with yourself and take your time. eventually this stuff will become second nature, and you'll be effortlessly digesting, curating, and cutting media like it's just part of your personality. remember YOU have control over what the internet thinks you want to see. dont let it force feed you nasty slop anymore. let it be a reflection of your mind, not the other way around.

and good luck!

[bridgyrose]

Weiss sank her sharp teeth into the roasted chicken that Ruby had brought for her, a small moan leaving her lips as her tail wagged. She savored the taste with each bite while trying to keep herself from tearing into it as her instincts wanted. “This is better than what I’ve had in months!” 

“What do you normally eat then?” Ruby asked as she sat down next to Weiss. 

“Rabbits, deer… and sometimes when I’m close enough to a village I’ll trade favors for food. Stuff like doing chores for people or killing grimm.” 

“Then why not stay closer to the villages? Sounds like you get a good deal out of it.” 

“Because I’m a monster as far as any of them are concerned.” Weiss took another ravenous bite of her chicken. “And besides, its hard to keep myself looking human enough to not draw attention to me being a werewolf.” 

Ruby nodded and watched Weiss. “So how exactly did you get like”- she motioned her hands around Weiss- “like this?” 

Weiss paused mid bite as she looked at Ruby. She slowly lowered her chicken and sighed as she pulled up a sleeve to show the scarred bite mark. “It… was a training accident. No one knew that one of the students I was training with was a wolf and… well… you saw how I reacted to getting touched by a little silver. I’m sure you can imagine what would happen if I’m struck with it.” 

“Training… were you training to be a huntress?” 

“I was. Father didnt like it, but it felt like the right path for me at the time. But after I was bit and shifted the following full moon, I ran away from home. I tried to go back a couple years after to take the exam to get into one of the academies, but there ended up being another full moon the night before and… well… I ended up attacking someone.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ruby said quietly. “How… how long have you been on your own then?” 

“About ten years.” Weiss went back to eating her chicken, practically crunching on the bones. “Long enough for me to take up my own training and work on my own.” 

“Must be rough.” 

Weiss shrugged and finished off the chicken she’d been given. She licked her lips and took a deep breath to try to focus on her human form, feeling her ears and tail disappear for the moment. Even after years of trying to pass as human, the form still felt foreign to her. And yet, it still felt more comfortable to be in around Ruby. Not that she ever felt uncomfortable around her in the hours since they first met. 

A small blush crossed her cheeks as she thought a bit more about Ruby. The girl was easy to talk to, didnt seem to be scared of her being a wolf, and cute to top it all off. “What about you? Did you train to be a huntress?” 

“I did,” Ruby answered. “Everyone in my family trained to be a huntsman. My sister and I attended Beacon together, though she went off with her girlfriend after we graduated. My mom and dad were on the same team too when they were in training, and the stories he told me of her made me want to be the huntress I am today.” 

“You do realize that means hunting down monsters like me, right?” 

“Well, yes, but… monsters like you are still people. You deserve to live a peaceful life, even if it means you cant be near the kingdoms.” 

Weiss smiled a bit and looked away from Ruby as her blush started to fade. “If only others could be like you. But the reality is that nobody wants anything that resembles a monster or a grimm nearby. And even if people were okay with me here, it wouldnt matter once the full moon came around. I… I still lose control.” 

“Then why not stay here with me until you have control?” 

Weiss went quiet as she looked over at Ruby again, not quite sure what to think. It’d be nice to have a place to call home, even if it’d only be for a while. But the thought of sharing a home with Ruby, staying with someone as kind as her… 

Her blush came back as she looked away, voice cracking briefly as she spoke. “I-I couldnt… I might hurt you on the full moon or bring people to you that might want to hurt you for taking me in-” 

“It’ll be fine,” Ruby said with a smile, offering a hand to Weiss. “I have a cabin in Patch that we can stay at. Far enough away from people that you wont be bothered and there’s plenty of space so when the full moon comes around, you can keep your distance if you’re that worried.” 

Weiss slowly reached for Ruby’s hand, tempted by the offer. A place to finally call home. A place she could finally be at peace and left alone for a few months. And yet, she couldnt find it in her to take Ruby’s hand, to take the offer that she was given. She slowly pulled her hand away, almost lingering until clutched her cloak. “I-I want to, but I cant.” 

“I dont understand. You could finally have the peace you want-” 

“And all I’d do is hurt you.” Weiss closed her cloak and pulled the hood over. “I should go. I wouldnt want you to get in trouble for being with me.” 

Ruby reached out to Weiss. “W-wait! Weiss!” 

Weiss pulled away as she felt Ruby’s fingers brush against her shoulder, her body freezing for just a moment as she took a quick look back at Ruby before running off into the woods. She felt her heart race the further she went, a few tears running down her cheeks at the thought of avoiding Ruby. But if it was the only way to keep her safe, then so be it. 

She’d avoid Ruby for as long as she’d need.

Prev

[fictionfixations]

honestly so happy that its easier to grind in hsr then genshin cause im actually able to properly build my characters instead of whatever mess i had in that game (i got the right artifacts but trying to get materials for anything was a bit of a pain to me)

also that the resin (i dont know what its called in this game im using genshin terms) can like. overflow into this other thing??? is. so helpful. (i stopped playing at one point so i just came back to both being full. and then when i realized what it actually did it was a godsend because it made it so much easier to fully commit to grinding. i know in genshin you can make the resin this little thing? condensed?? but thats a thing you have to do yourself i think)

all im missing is leveling up the lightcones and traces

and im only missing the traces because i already used up weekly bosses. THATS IT.

robin and ratio have the same boss material so all i have to do then is get the other resources which isnt actually that hard (ill only have an issue if i cant material synthesis or exchange or whatever since i need to do it for the robin stuff that you get from enemies that can ambush you, i dont know what you refer to them as, but cause i havent unlocked penacony yet lol)

and the only lightcones that might give me issue is because highlighted is penacony material stuff

(yes i put final victor on ratio LMFAO)

so YEAHH i feel like im doing pretty good in that department. also ive caught up to penaconys story i just havent started in-game because i wanted to see where it all leads up to and then go back to see all the foreshadowing and get a better understanding of what happened since it also confused me, so im waiting for a time i can just sit there for countless hours and focus. i even switched to eng vas so i dont end up misreading something

(anyway i only got to trying to max out my characters as much as i can until i can level them higher because before i got stuck on so many quests that required a fight 😭, yanqing, argenti, i hate battling you oh my god)

actually on that topic everyones relics arent fully maxed out.

ive only been leveling this cause 5 star dan heng is my main damage dealer

and the healer because im fucked without them (its natasha, but im open to changing it if i find a better healer or shield 🙏)

on that topic:

i returned to honkai star rail because aventurine. i focused on the story because aventurine. (got spoiled his story, realized 'what the fuck hes cool i like him' and watched someone go through the story) i came back in time for his banner but you know what? i had like zero wishing stuff because id stopped playing so i missed out unfortunately

i have friends who have aventurine as like one of the support characteres thingy tho? like the the where you can get support from other peoples characters

so thats been fun. but also auto is kind of bad with aventurine. or maybe because it thinks 'oh theres already a shield, so i wont e' which is pain. on the other hand actually playing instead of having it on auto is fun with aventurine. i like planning around it and thinking of who to have use their skills while keeping in mind when i should have him refresh his shield. i cant explain to you how it hurts seeing hp missing with a shield around it because i cant do anything about it (im the type of person who likes to keep my characters hp full ngl)

probably not the best decision to want shield over a healer but. i can make it work. maybe. i just want aventurine ok. (except for phantylia who as far as im aware is the only one who can just TAKE hp like that? without even affecting shields???)

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/744798398911266817/a-question-a-bit-out-of-the-usual-ones-but-do-you?source=share

NB, vagina owner, sensory processing issues haver, took several years of effort to learn to orgasm, heres some tips;

Psychology is a BIG aspect of being able to get off for some people. Some people really need to be 'in the mood' at first. The Need To Be Horny. Really into what they are doing and what they are imagining. You need to be able to let go and lean into the sensation, mentally. Try watching or reading things that turn you on, really wind yourself up for a bit, then ensure you arent going to be interrupted and give it a shot. Really focus on your fantasy, try to really focus on the sensation and don't get sidetracked. It can make a difference for sure. Its why some people can 'cum on command'- the frame of mind is important.

Being used to the sensation you need to lean into can take work. When I first started jerking off it was so intense it 'hurt' because I have sensory processing issues and it was new weird stimulus my brain decided to register stupid, so id slow down or stop or get distracted and not get off. I had to teach my body to accept the feeling and do it in a way that didnt mess with my sensory processing as much (which ironically involved causing a little pain and being a little rough because phsyical-pain isnt severely uncomfortable the way discomfort-pain is). When you are used to it you also relax more and get into the right frame of mind. The feeling like your guts are tensing and building towards something, maybe a hazy sort of liquid fire in your skull going down your spine? Keep chasing that, really focus on it. That means you are heading in the right direction. It took me several years of dedicated kind-of edging before the feeling stopped being so intense it prevented me from making it to the other side.

Try different stuff. You might not like how you are doing things right now. If all youve done is penetration with your fingers, try clitoral. If all you've done is a gentle stroking motion, try a jerk-off motion if you can get your fingers around your clit, or a kinda rough grinding. If you usually keep your body still, try humping the whatever for the heady 'lose yourself in the moment'. If you usually move around, try being still so you dont distract yourself too much from the intensity. If you are always on your back, try your stomach or side or kneeling upright. Toys! Try rubbing different textures on your clit or getting a real toy like a strong vibrator or sucker. Cheap 20$ vibrators can do the job if you need something a bit better than your hands, but you may have to step up for the good intense shit or a fancy vibrating dildo or something. Try different kink stuff you imagine or do or watch like self-ties for bondage or hypno kink audio files* or whatever, try some 'foreplay' (touch your tits or somesuch). Some people like anal also. Figure out what feels nice -what puts you in that tense shivery-hot coiled-spring sorta feeling- and do that- dont just do what you think you 'should' do.

/* For safety prelisten to these in chunks or look at a script to be sure its what you want and always keep scissors near you if you are self-tying to get free if there is issues, do kink safety right dont stick anything up your ass you could lose, etc etc

Finally, some people just cant cum for whatever reason (meds, trauma, etc) and thats ok. So long as you are enjoying the sensation and having fun, you are masturbating 'correctly'.

--

[rotfront-cunt]

Key Quest Update

Ok it has been awhile since I wrote down what has been happening with my key quest. As I state later in this post I'm giving myself a second strike

I have done both not much and quite a lot but the important thing is.. I finally have a lead. Before I get to that lead and my speculation on it, as always please no spoilers for getting these keys its been very fun to try and do this with as little help as possible and accidently spoiling myself a little for the second key was quite upsetting, i need a hint i will ask for one! Speaking of such, I've been talking with a friend about this quest and she wanted to help keep me from running around in circles so she gave me a hint: "the activity that will lead you to the keys is a hobby that Ariane may have had growing up" So I stumbled with this for a bit but then I decided to replay the final boss so I could reread the documents in the penrose after that, and I remembered this. (sorry for the terrible image)

So i decided to focus on the radio stations. My progress has been slow BUT I feel like I'm actually making progress for once. It took me a few afternoons but I was able to transcribe one of the audible radio stations that aren't transmitting the safe codes.

Here is what ive got for station 128.4 Some of the numbers I am unsure of and theres a reason for that (see next post). The other three stations remain un-transcribed as they are simply hard to hear. (This also makes me think they may not even matter, if this and one other station are the only ones that can really be understood, there may not be a reason to waste my time on them)

This brings me to my potential lead.

Two days ago I was watching someone play the game for the first time. Because she was reading everything out for chat i was reminded of this section of the mond&tochter safe manual. My current running theory is: What if this is what I have to do. To all of the safes I can open. There are 3 in my mind that you can access before making it to Rotfront, and there could even be more I'm not remembering. I'm going to decipher as many of the number stations as I can and look into the ones that could potentially fit as a safe code. Currently all the numbers read out on station 128.4 are either too short or too long. But I know that a certain ACHTUNG message reads them out in sets of 6. https://youtu.be/vq8Ny62379E?t=43 This is seemingly the source of the ACHTUNG message read out on the penrose before the crash. It is also read out on the profile screen of the game. So I'm going to transcribe it. Luckily for this one a good chunk of the numbers actually appear on screen in the game so I have less radio listening and game recording to do yay. And that is where I'm at in my key quest. The mensa key has to fit in here somewhere but im not entirely sure where. Maybe the 14 means the 14th string of numbers read out on one of the stations we'll see once I have things written down. If you've read this far you must be one of my friends lmao cause I cant imagine this is too inch resting, but thank you to both friends and followers alike!! it means a lot you'd care to hear my thoughts and speculations. Im also gonna be making a smaller post about the number readers i researched to figure this stuff out if u wanna see that.

[ayupimqueen]

My sleepy rant about my fallout ocs i did instead of studying

Warning this is long af but I’m an idiot who likes uploading random stuff nobody reads

Time for a small rant about my ocs their stories and my love for the fallout universe everyone, I cant keep the thoughts on my head so yeah sorry

I think the reason I’ve started to grow so fond of fallout lately is because I find a lot more hope in it than in my life now.

I mean Fallout 3 is a really personal game to me because of some family issues that happened (and are still going on) when I first played the game (we’ll come back to this in a bit).

And now watching the world fcking rot before my eyes and not being able to do anything because despite what people think the reality is that a single person can’t change the world unless the people with money say so

And now when I play this games I just like to feel that maybe I still have a future despite what happens, because now I feel that it’s too late to save the world.

And I see the stories of the characters I created for this world, and how I’ve given each one of them a part of my life.

And then i noticed a pattern of you say.

All of my character (except for one), despite of what happens, have a happy ending related to something I want or that has happened to me:

Lets start with the odd one out: hope who just dies at the end.

Hope is probably my saddest character EVER (she’s suffered even more than my Minecraft oc and I used to think that was impossible) her dad leaves her, she is exiled from the vault, gets hated on by everyone, has the worst luck ever and feels alone always, then thers a bit of a break when she gets a friend but then she finds his dad and everything goes downhill to the point that even tho she has people with her she just feels alone.

I wont go deep on her story because i want to write it.

I’ll just say that from a certain point she knows she is going to d ie somehow, her friends try to stop it but she still dies, and for worse she dies because she wasn’t important to the brotherhood. She gave everything to everyone and people took advantage of her.

Her name is close to my deadname, and I based bits of her story and personality from how I felt at the time when I first played the game and even her looks are based off of me irl but in a “preattier” way that I used to want. So I guess she is a way of showing the shittier part of my life and how it’s kind of the part of me that I want to get rid off.

Then we have the other side of the coin: Reina

They started as an self insert oc that escalated into a bigger character that made me actually develop the other ocs

They are the contrary to Hope, mostly because they are based of my personality, issues and objectives that I have now. Also their looks are closer to both the persona I use online and what I wished I looked irl now. Their name is also just my chosen name but in Spanish and I chose a cool last name lmao. And she is from center Mexico because fuck yeah it’s my country lmao

Reina also has many issues, as their backstory is the exaggerated version of my mommy issues, but instead of a regular mom- genderless offspring thing i go trough Its a Evil selfish ahole rich mom vs rebel “daughter” who is neglected and abused. But the thing I like to focus on while thinking of their story, and the thing that is closer to my actual life, is her search for love.

They were raised by neglecting parents that litterary saw them as a “economic opportunity”, marring them to a narcissistic guy and shattering al their dreams.

Then they forget all of that thanks to the power of the script and amnesia trope and they get to meet Hancock, who ends up loving them and have character growth and all that jazz. (I’m writing the fic I swear I just don’t get to concentrate)

In the end Reina gets to be happy, as they represent the me I am today, while Hope dies as she is one of my most horrible moments. Both being an exaggerated version of what I lived because I’m a sucker for angst and hurt/confort stories.

Then is the sexy af middle ground i call Rose Garza.

She is a bit of a miscellaneous character, i made her from the north of Mexico because I lived there as a child and her design was just me creating a character based on some of the things I consider attractive and her personality is like the silly part of me.

The sad part of her strory isn’t based of something that happened to me or similar but something that works more for her character.

The one issue I gave her based on me is that she wants to have friends but she is either abandoned forgotten or legged out.

She also has the thing of finding a loved one but in a different people only like her for her looks way, but that doesn’t happen to me so yeah.

She is the silly one of the group I guess.

I can’t rant on Venus and Mars yet because I haven’t finished the first two games and I don’t even have the final name for my fallout 74 oc( they are totally hailing mothman tho lmao)

So yeah that my rant, im sleep deprived so sorry you all have to deal withe the parasites in my head lmao

[snufflepup]

I'm glad you'll check it out! Though sorry, I'm like kinda just ranting on about my favorite media in these asks -_-' but I can't wait to see if you like it! I like knowing people like the things I recomend^^ I loved loved Mike and Mal, but since I saw season one back a bit ago, I was a total Duncan fan girl (now fanboy lol) >.< he's just so!!!! Yk? Though his character development over the seasons wasn't the best :< I remember I liked Gwen and zoe a lot, and scott was cool too from what i remember. I used to hate Alejandro, but tbh he warmed up to me in the last season he was in, I think. And there's the book of Bill that came out recently, teasing at stuff, though. idk if anyone knows what's going on with it lol. And I think I might be fine on watching that video, it takes a lot to make me cry (not to try and be insulting or anything). I think the last time I cried was when my gf broke up with me, but I mean before that Idk when I cried lol.

I remember when I was 5, I'd cry every night cause I thought the sun would explode and we'd all die lol. I think tears would look cute on you, a cute little puppy face all puffy and wet with tears, ahh! It just sounds the cutest!<3 but yeah, I had existential dread at that age too, wondering whats the point in living if no one will really actually care. Thats why i wanna become a famous youtuber one day! Then everyone would remember me, or that'd be the plan. Though the older i get, the less i feel like that dream is obtainable for me. All that youtube cares about is clickbait and dumb shit, and i cant see myself gaining an audience cause i mean i post on my tiktok weekly and i struggle to even get 100 views, so its kinda depressing the more i think about it. I used to be so hopeful and excited to be able to share myself online and make people happy, but it kinda just feels out of reach now. And given I used to be a gifted kid, I mean I could have actually done something with myself when I was younger, but as I got older I just couldn't apply myself as easily and gave up on thinking entirely. I actually can't think at all because of that and just hope I understand the concept on the first try like before or I'm fucked lol. I'm actually sad now kinda and realized I just kinda vented to you- sorry puppy :<

-ike<3

It's alright ! I don't mind at all !!

I remember liking him in the beginning, but not so much later on, I understand what you mean about his character development didn't go in the best direction !! I'm really excited for whatevers going on with it ! I feel like I can get really emotional very easily at times, I wouldn't say that I cry a lot but . I kind of do at the same time . I recently cried over a video of someone talking about how they lost one of their pets, and the other one missed them a lot and stuff . I probably cried harder than I should have . It was so sad (◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ) aaa ! I'm blushing . /pos

I think I had the same kind of thoughts, the memory is a little fuzzy now though, so I don't really remember exactly what they were. I'm sure if you keep at it, you can do it !! I think, from what I know at least, it's definitely harder than what it was at like the start of youtube and like you said it's all like . click bait and disengenuous and things like that, but I also see a lot of people talking about how they don't like it so I'm sure that means it's not hopeless ^–^ A lot of people also say you should do what makes you happy, and not to focus so much on views and stuff but idk ! I'm not one so take what I say with like a grain of salt !! Growing up is hard. . . I think it's okay to feel like things are harder now, because they are ! I don't think that means your not like, gifted or anymore, I think it just means things have changed . Sorry I don't think I made very much sense. . . I feel like I just said things, but I'm trying to say I think you are still important

I hope you feel better now ! I'm sorry this took so long, too

[benevolentbox]

cw: depressing rambling stuffs !!

aarrghh insecurities are so annoying and such a waste of youth im watching a video back that a friend recorded of me and another friend fake fighting in the park as he tries to put me in a bin lmao and ALL my brain can think of is how ugly i look and how embarassing it is and like yeah even if i AM ugly and it WAS embarassing why cant i move past it and focus on the good parts like even when trying so hard to focus on the good parts theres that twinge of negativity like UGHH FRICK OFF can a girl do anyrhing without the looming sense of self dislike !! anyways get me that "venn diagram" of everything in life thats embarassing and everything in life that makes life worth living (its a circle) i need to exercise self love STAT ‼ tho tbh i think that one post thats like unlearning habits and biases and prejudices is simply just a daily ever consistent effort you have to put in and years later you realise youre just not That Way anymore and i think its true with all my heart. Loving myself and loving others just keeps getting easier the more i do it i just keep finding so much to love.

i think to conclude im not afraid of tainting memories because i know that the fun and the love was there in the moment - where it matters and belongs most. we can scratch and fight and beg but we can never go back, i fear.

anyways !! benevolent box OUT ‼ o7

[kozykricket]

Thoughts on Enjoying Minecraft (and how many ways to play minecraft there are)

was watching a video on how minecraft is less of a game and more of a platform, one that you can enjoy in so many different ways. and yknow what? I'm just thinking about how "mods are better" completely ignores that yes, minecraft is a game that is primarily enjoyed by modifying it to your liking.

and honestly? of course the base vanilla experience isnt going to be interesting for people who have known and played the game for years. putting your own spin on it IS what makes it interesting and guess who has to keep the game relevant and MAINTAIN the code in it? to not only add a few new inspiring playthings, but to add more capabilities to datapacks, commands, etc? mojang. so i find it quite impressive that they manage to keep the game afloat, keep the game RUNNING even with minimal bugs, AND keep adding features. I honestly think a lot of people nowadays are just like, since they've seen so many people sensationalize the vanilla survival experience, they think to themselves that the only way for them to play minecraft is that experience. that ONE experience. but is that really fair for a game that isnt DESIGNED around a single experience, to say "wow, mojang sure sucks at designing for one of the many experiences they realistically are designing for"

i think if they really wanted to, they could just abandon modders, mapmakers, and different playstyles, and focus all their efforts on just adding content to survival. but they wont

and modders may add the content YOU like more, and thats good. It doesn't make them inherently better than mojang, they're just… people pursuing what the game is a good foundation for: making the game what they want it to be. if people cant agree on what they want minecraft to be, and make vastly different modded experiences, then minecraft is succeeding in being minecraft. In a sense, I think some modders are the people who may be most content, experiencing ... happiness, not complaining all the time that one of many experiences isnt to their taste. they just mold the game to be one they like

not to say thats what all modders are like, though. i know plenty who are burnt out of the game. but then theres also a whole thing to be said about the passion for creating stuff FOR minecraft being another avenue of enjoying the game. i enjoy minecraft, but i enjoy thinking about it more than playing it sometimes. thats also fair

and... i know this post was all over the place, jumping between like 3 key points, but it just all came to me, while watching this video

In short, Maybe try mixing up how you play minecraft, if you don't enjoy it. Maybe, accept that the pure vanilla experience isn't one that you'll really care for all the time. That's okay. Maybe you want to modify some recipes, maybe you want to overhaul progression and add more bosses. That's cool too! Theres just. a lot of cautious design around the people making the foundation that you do all of this on top of. They don't really want to make the vanilla game go in any particular one of those directions that YOU could take it more than others. its an all rounder of a game, with an emphasis on player choice. You make the content, you make the goals. Maybe that isnt your thing. Maybe go play a modpack where the goals HAVE been made for you by other players.

[smolsammichowo]

I think my feelings on people arguing over if AEW or WWE is better is that one scene from the mickey mouse cartoon where Minnie Mouse finds a hat that is just the same hat she's wearing on her head & the group with her is like "oh I dont know maybe you should try it on..." & stuff ,

meanwhile Donald Duck, is like "ITS THE SAME HAT." over & over.

I'm Donald. except instead of hats, its pro wrestling. Its the SAME stuff. Its different companies & different styles of showing off stuff & different people but ITS PRO WRESTLING. ITS THE SAME OVER THE TOP VIOLENT SPORTS THEATER.

And I may say "Oh I perfer this stuff in AEW" or "I like this person in WWE" or "My favorite pro wrestler of all time is in AEW" or "Oh my gosh that match in wwe was the coolest ever!" but I just like them both in the end because they're both pro wrestling. Its more pro wrestling for me to enjoy. Same with other companies like NJPW, Impact/TNA (so happy more cool stuff is coming soon for them!) , Dragon Gate, ROH, and so much more !

I'm not saying "Oh! You dont like that company? Well you're bad!" You're fine to not like it, I'm just refering to the people who are like "Oh this guy who is super big star is signed with this comapny now! This company is trash now! Its gonna fail & die out! Haha!" & people who always focus on view counts and say "LOOK! This airing got a lot of people more watching than this show! They are failing!"

I wouldn't say that's failing. I would say all of that is pro wrestling is doing wonderful !

In the end for me, I just love pro wrestling & I'm just happy that I'm a pro wrestling fan in this age as there is so much content to watch (though a bit TOO much because I cant keep up with the fun madness AAAAA ) And I just find it silly that some people instead of enjoying it are just wishing the downfall of stuff! I

Also one more thing Im happier that tumblr has longer posts than twitter so i could talk about this!

Anyway heres a rant down below because here's a reason why I havent talked about pro wrestling a lot on twitter

I only mentioned on twitter that I dont talk about it much anymore given on twitter the fanbase there is a nightmare and people are scary (seriously compared to ANY fanbase Ive ever been in , sports fanbases especially pro wrestling where people REAAALLLY dont understand the "entertainment" part a lot of the time can be nuts. Especailly a shame given sometimes I really do want to talk about pro wrestling given its one of my all time favorite things & then I got people who just call me things just because my favorite wrestler either hasn't done much, isnt a champion, or isnt in their "favorite company"

Like bruh . If it makes you that miserable to just randomly comment on someones post talking about their favorite person like that why ya a fan . I used to be a huge fan of overwatch , still love the characters (after all i have two characters, one being one of my main online personas ) & such but I dropped the game because it made me miserable & that wasnt good for my mental health which then effect my physical. same with tiktok. I had 55k+ followers on there, that was my biggest following count on any social media site, but I dropped that shit because I was getting physically in pain from headaches from stress & being upset from that place & deleted that app & my account that had that many on there.

Aannnndd this just is exactly why I dont tallk about pro wrestling as much as I used to anymore. That above me happens. I just go off like I did lol . I apologize for that. But yea, I do still wanna do fanart for wrestlers in the future of course! After all they are a huge reason why I got back into art in a really fucked up time when I was younger in the first place .

[mageofseven]

heyyy, can i get a match up?

U can match me up w anyone lolol

so uhm, ig my hobbies r video games, playing electric guitar.. watching movies/kdramas. Sometimes i watch anime,, music (i mostly listen to kpop, metal and rock 😭), dancing. My hobbies change a lot, but these r like my main ones that dont rlly change if that makes any sense..

Im an infj 4w5. Im also a january capricorn loool. I cant take criticism well and i get annoyed easily. Im either extremely sleepy or too energetic, no in between.. i try to get along with everyone. Even if i dont like the person, i try not to get into fights unless its necessary.

Im messy depressy so i make a lot of self deprecating jokes. I act carefree most of the time, but i can have serious/deep convos too. I tend to make jokes out of everything and be sarcastic..

Im interested in psychology and criminology! Oh and science too. I have no clue what I'd like to do w my life though ^○^!!

I tend to lie a lot, like its subconscious at this point lol. Or i manage to get myself into uncomfortable situations with my lying. I also sometimes shut myself in and ignore everyone. I also either talk too much or barely talk,,,

Im a cat person. Ive been a cat person since i was a kid. Ive been obsessed and i still am obsessed with them. Theyre just so cute (゜ロ゜). I dont even know what kind of genre it would be, but i really like animes similar to serial experiments lain. I like horror and coming of age movies, or anything that is sad..

I think this is it. I can be 🐈 anon. Oh and sorry if i said too much shit <//3. Tyyy •☆•

Oh!!! You're a 4w5 just like me! Hello 🥰

And trust me, you said just enough so no worries~

Okay! So let me break down some of your information.

Being an INFJ means your stack function is NiFeTiSe or NiFe.

This means your primary function is Introverted iNtuition. This is the function you use with how you perceive your inner world and how you store information. You collect a lot of info and have the ability to see it all as a whole and focus on the details, making it easier for you to cut through till you find the answer that seems the most likely.

Your auxiliary (or secondary) trait is Extraverted Feelings. This is the function you most use with the external world. This functions focuses on the emotions of others and works to support your Ni.

Next, your ennegram. Being a type 4 means you are creative and unique. You have a deep need to connect with others, but also feel that there are very few people in this world that can understand you. With your Wing being 5, this also shows that you are reserved, intelligent, and introspective.

Being a Capricorn means you are hardworking, direct, and persistent.

Combined with the rest of your information, there has been one Boy who stuck around I'm my head for you.

I pair you with...

Belphie

A chill but depressed person who makes self-deprecating jokes who can switch from cracking jokes to having serious conversations? I found your man easily lol you two already share this together.

I can also see him really appreciate your sleepy and direct traits. I mean, this man gets a new nap buddy to cuddle up to and it's someone he never has to waste brainpower reading between the lines. What you say is what you mean and that makes things so much easier for this sleepy man.

I also see Belphie as the lazy genius kind of dude so I think he could really understand and keep up with you when talk a bunch science-y and would probably share your interest in criminology.

Lastly, your use of Fe would probably be really appreciated by this man, who is also "messy depressy" and needs comfort. Plus, it would make you remind him of Beel, who I see as also being an Fe user.

But ya! So you two have fun cuddling and talking science-y stuff 🤭💕

[dingleberry-art]

just remembered i have free will and can post about whatever i want so here's a little bit about living with adhd i guess (and funny/ annoying stuff i hear from people who don't have it) btw this is only my experience, and i can ASSURE you this isnt all of the adhd experience. warning, kinda sad lol (and now ive finished typing, long asf!!)

a big issue is motivation, like HUGE. My adhd causes me to have MASSIVE instant gratification problems, and several years in a row this has impacted my school. If a task doesn't give me satisfaction immediately it genuinely is painful to try and start it. I have so many art projects, sewing things, crochet, etc that almost feel like doing schoolwork if im struggling that week. I have been known to doomscroll for 7-9 hours IN FRONT OF MY ASSIGNMENT AT MY DESK because it feels like asking my body to hurt itself just to start work.

cont of the last one sort of: Wasted time (AGHGJSHGHGJA). I lowkey believe I could have done so much more with my life if I could just sit down and focus. Luckily ive gotten into the mindset of "keep pushing forward, you cant change the past" but holy shit its a killer. Assignments that take 5-10 minutes take 5-11 hours to START, and in these hours of procrastination i am NAWT enjoying myself at alllll. Its 5-10 mins of scrolling, almost start crying because i CANT JUST START, then back to scrolling, repeat. Plus what hurts more is that once i do start, it really only does take those 5 minutes

Now one that i dont really see! negative talk that comes with not getting diagnosed (oh brother this guy stinks!!). I'm gonna be short and sweet with this one because when I used to say this stuff to myself I lowkey believed it. A lot of stuff I repeated at my worst was "why can't I just do stuff like everyone else, what is wrong with me, why can't I just focus, Everyone can do this why can't I, etc" and what PISSES ME OFF!! is that SOOOO much of this is repeated/ planted by outside sources!! but i digress...

Hyperfixations! either amazing or atrocious!! Mine have never been terribleeee but they def get extreme! (for those that don't know a hyperfixation is a interest that DOMINATES UR LIFE for a few weeks, to a few months. Happens in autism too i think? and special interests are specifically autism and last yearsssss)

Fixations can be really fun and a lot of people i know say that it makes them feel like themselves, and gives them a purpose! but there is also a really not-fun side to them, some wild stuff ive experienced while hyperfixated: -can't go to the restroom/do anything embarrassing because of a feeling of the characters watching/judging you. -Stomach hurts if you see something from the hyperfix, or some sort of painful physical reaction. -Only work you are able to do is related to/correlates to hyperfix (I finished a project where I got to draw gravity falls the day I was assigned it, and I also got given a project from the same class 3 weeks ago and haven't started) -getting physically angry at slander/hate even tho it isnt that serious fr -internal monologue changes to a characters voice/a certain accent. You UNWILLINGLY imitate a characters little mannerisms without trying. -this one is funny but during my anime phase i watched so much subbed that I heard a commercial playing and thought they were speaking utter gibberish for 3 minutes then realized it was english and i had just gotten so used to Japanese w/ subtitles

Some stuff i heard other people go through (tw for sh on the last one) -Neglecting hygiene

-loss of friends because they can only talk about it -Failing entire courses or becoming severely sleep deprived -hyperfixating on problematic people or topics (you can't really control what you hyperfixate on, that's actually why I haven't watched shit like hasbin hotel or even skibidi toilet as a joke) -even in very EXTREME AND RARE cases, cutting because of the media, carving characters names, etc. and to stress this again, hyperfixations can literally give people purpose in life!! they aren't always bad! but i really don't see people talk about the downsides, and coming out of one feels like losing a part of yourself, the reason to be motivated in the first place (and this is also why I do think its important that non-neurodivergent people don't use the word to describe their interests)

other random stuff i guess

coffee/caffeine makes me tired asf, adhd meds and caffeine are both stimulants! thats why a lot of undiagnosed people actually use it as a makeshift medicator without knowing

for me personally, getting diagnosed SAVED MY LIFE but ill talk abt that in a sec

I will want to respond to your text SO BAD but it feels scary to me, like another thing on the to-do list even tho you could be the loml it would still take me 2 hrs of distracting myself to respond

ive seen a few people say that having untreated adhd feels like/goes hand in hand with depression, and while i dont think this is factually true, thats what it feels like lol

Adhd also gives you rejection sensitivity (not the official term but who cares), basically getting criticized or ridiculed feels like a straight insult at your character. felt definitely more as a little kid but can confirm BIG TIME!

another note to the sensitivity: it is very valid and real, before being medicated id cry once a month at school over small shit. I mean i still do occasionally, but i think EVERYONE i knew as a kid has seen me cry at LEAST like 7 times. also like every time i see someone describe the adhd experience well i start BAWLING. plus as a kid my youtube recommended was FULL of "how to stop being so sensitive, how to stop crying when told ur wrong, stop crying at school so often" videos

I never realized how much I cut people off when talking till someone pointed it out and I looked it up, yup its adhd

I was wondering why it got quiet a second ago but i actually never had any music playing, I just kept repeating the same song in the background of my head whilst typing this (peewee's playhouse intro btw) dunno if its an adhd thing but i see a lot of people talk abt hearing multiple dialogues at once.

meds can also be annoying asf but that can go for every mental illness. When i started mine i slept through the bell in 2 of my classes lol. (Plus i definitely need to up my dosage because it just isn't working as well as it used to.)

**btw dont be reading this with adhd by the way and think your like, doomed. Genuinely THE MOST bubbly, kind, and just downright creative people I know have adhd. i know it feels like a curse a lot of the time but please push through**

ALRIGHT!! now on to some stuff ive been told by people!!

this first heartbreaking quote was from my best friend. We were talking about our least favorite teacher (who had adhd, but my fav teacher also had it lol) and she goes "yeah i think all people with adhd are just annoying" the funny thing was that this was ALSO the day I had to tell her I was going to get checked for it so thats fun! pair that with good ol rejection sensitivity and we have a phrase that repeats in my mind once a day lmao. (dw shes been informed a lot more now and i dont think she remembers it but i corrected her on it)

second one! much more recent, my father was getting checked for autism (alr has adhd diagnosis). To prove to my step mom that him getting officially diagnosed wasn't a huge deal, he asks me "getting diagnosed really didn't help you haha right?" i just responded "lmao no it changed everything" because i don't think an appropriate response at the time would be "it literally prevented me from kms :))"

INFAMOUS ONE from my teacher! He was filling out my adhd referral form but he literally didn't pay enough attention to me in class so he just had me come up there and fill it out with him instead. The questions were "on a scale of 1-5....." and he would SAY THE QUESTION AT NORMAL VOLUME IN THE SILENT CLASSROOM "Does this student struggle with depression!! Does this student have violent tendencies!!" (not to mention a lot the questions were all geared to 10 yr old boys) then i would give him my full and honest answer, and he would say "well everyone has that!" and put THE NUMBER BELOW THE ONE I GAVE HIM. i swear bro he either needs to understand the questions arent for him, or go get diagnosed lmao.

*BUT ANYWAYS* thank you for reading this thing holy moly. I probably forgot so much and its 1am oops! hopefully this made someone feel seen or made someone semi-understand the struggle. Its just a lot of the time I see it downplayed as "ooh squirrel!!" while it has legit destroyed my life at points, and isn't any less serious as other well talked about conditions (obvs not as bad as other stuff but yk what i mean)

alright thanks again, bye!!!

I need someone to invent a machine to give anyone adhd for a month because if I hear “no I get it! I get distracted sometimes too!” one more time I might go batshit insane.

[dwtisgay]

i think this fandom, myself included, has a blind spot when it comes to any bbh knowledge so this is interesting to read! how much do you think the others know about him? like no one knows anything or if there are tiers, say skeppy and dream know some stuff and the rest nothing? i'd take a whole essay tbh you're like the bbh biographer

thank you its fun to share my knowledge about this sphere since I've spent so much time over the years collecting info and I've picked up a couple things here and there I theorize that skeppy's knowledge from 2018-20 is very limited and that it wasn't till 2021 that he became a bit close to bad but even then the extent of that was narrow as for the dteam I'll also touch on that briefly because it is connected to the skeppy things but its harder to tell with them just because they've known bad for a decade now and even he isnt that good at keeping things secret

skeppy didn't know where bad lived (if i recall this clip is from end of 2019 early 2020) even though he has made videos centered around buying and sending him items and they've been friends for a year by then

funnily enough this is one of those moments where skeppy exposes bad most likely isn't in Florida

in the drunk stream, in the same vain, he asks chat if they know bad if bad is straight or not there are multiple streams and clips of skeppy asking bad innocent questions and bad dodging and obfuscating to the point that skeppy just starts going "oh you're avoiding it again" in an annoyed tone bad's mcc coins go to skeppy because he refuses to give scott his address, skeppy cant send them to bad because I assume he still doesn't know where he is, or bad wants skeppy to keep them and then there is this

timestamps for 1:41:50 when the topic is first brought up, later expanded on at 3:01:00

we know bad has his saturday streams but he always tends to start those streams late because he claims he overslept! this stream we find out the reason he oversleeps is because he is actually waking up at 5 am every saturday and this is news to puffy, but skeppy and ant seem to have known about this for a long time but they don't know WHY he does it, bare in mind skeppy has been friends with bad for 4 years, ant has been friends with him for 9 years

later on after bad does go to bed at 3:01:00 the topic is revisited as they try and guess what the fuck does bad do at 5 am on a Saturday

bad is a chronic late nighter so this whiplashed puffy

skeppy says

"literally every friday he has to go to bed at like this time because he used to wake up at like five in the morning for something and he won't tell me what it is"

if you watch this clip through youll note that skeppy is used to this behavior while puffy is incredulous

puffy then asks him

 how? you talk to bad every day and he doesn't tell you what he does on saturdays???

and he replies

no but like that's the thing like he'll tell me like anything else but he won't tell me why he needs to wake up that early on saturday like you know when you ask him a question he doesn't want to answer it so he's like and then he doesn't answer it oh my god that's like the saturday question i'm still trying to find out i'm like investigating

ant is pretty quiet throughout this but he also doesn't know, but this really puts into focus how skeppy and bad have interacted throughout the years, skeppys rough boundary play never really went away, sure they've set some no go zones by finding them out the hard way, but things like what bad does on saturydays or evasive questions, to skeppy are games that he wants to find out and grow closer to bad by bad then JOINS BACK at 3:04:00 I assume because he was worried about the topic of discussion

after bad joins he claims he wakes up at 5 am to drink coffee with people, ant then tries guessing if he knows what it is and bad avoids answering him then skeppy jealous of ant's knowledge asks him to confirm if ant got it right and bad said ant only guessed Something right

so what does this show us? the people who have known bad for 9 years dteam included are not immune to bad's dodgyness but they have an advantage of having known him for so long that they have picked up things he drops here and there skeppy has only known him for 4 years and seems to be active in trying to figure out bad as opposed to munchymc crew who have just been passively picking up knowledge

there are a couple inconsistencies like I do think dream at least has to know bad's name for legal purposes because they have a merch deal together, and I do think skeppy does know bad's name by now because he was also going to do a merch deal with him but anything else? fair game, no clue what they would know and what they wouldn't know

[viktormaru]

How do you get better at rendering? How do you know when enough is enough? I always think I do too much and it still never feels finished and it doesn't feel nearly as touchable as your art (and other art I use as inspiration) always seems to

Oooh this is a tough one. Rendering is something I both love doing and struggle with because I'm a very lazy person and prone to giving up fast so I often don't have the patience to take render to as far as i'd like. I'm gonna try answering all those questions though.

How do I get better at rendering?

There's two main tips here I guess. The first is, well, do observation studies. Have pictures of the materials you're drawing on the side, preferably with the same colors and light and see what makes it different from the rest of the other materials, see how many values it has, if it has any different textures or shapes, so on. Second is use any tools you have to reproduce those textures and stuff. Brushes, textures, photobashing, it's all allowed and cool and it can help so much getting different materials and having them feel alive?? in some way.

How do you know when enough is enough?

Honestly, for me is "when I cant really add anything substantial to the piece anymore.

There's a catch though! This is like, a regular recommendation but as it always is with art it can sometimes not be appliable, but a good tip I've gotten is that sometimes it's not abt rendering a lot but rendering where it matters, right? Its the 70/30 rule. 70% of details should be focused on 30% of the painting's area. This applies on composition and rendering. You should focus on rendering more the areas that are important. like my practice portrait for dismas, you can see a clear example on that on how I rendered his hair

I think the true talent in rendering is both adding gorgeous detail to things in focus and managing to imply detail on nonfocus areas without really detailing them. You do that using different value changes and textures and stuff. Here's some examples

By Alex Flores

[higher quality of the pic above bcs tumblr sucks]

By Sean Vo

[higher quality of the pic above bcs tumblr sucks]

This shit is hard, it's done by doing a lot of observation and watching other artists and just getting a feel for what's right and takes a lot of time to develop, so keep being patient and doing your best

[levisgirll]

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 (𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

text: hello everyone! first off wanna thank each and every one of you that liked and enjoyed my writings <3 this honestly makes me happy and I’m glad to know that! so I decided to write this out for everyone as I had many ideas about this cute idea! you, y/n is levi ackerman’s first lover! it was stated by hajime isayama (author/illustrator of attack on titan) in a interview that levi has never been in a romantic relationship, but that all changes when he met y/n. It was also stated that when it does come to romance and love, isayama said that he expresses levi as awkwardly/clumsily when it comes to his lover. So find out some cute headcanons about him in his first relationship with Y/N!

synopsis: how’s it like for levi ackerman to be y/n’s boyfriend? and not only that but it’s also levi’s first partner ever, and including you! But you both don’t know that :,) so, what are the things you both would do as newbies in a relationship? (incoming real cute fluff- and levi trying his best to be your best boyfriend.)

fluff, headcanon, aot world ♡ —

To start off, you guys are both confused. Not sure what to do. Levi Ackerman’s first relationship and his first time having a partner actually makes him feel quite nervous as he wants to make sure he comes out as an ideal boyfriend for Y/N. Would definitely also start to overthink a lot at his start of his new relationship.

That’s cause, he wants to show you he is cool and got things under control and also even stronger towards you, he tries his best.

BUT, he doesn't know that it’s also y/n’s first relationship! and when they joined the Levi squad after Eren was taken in by the survey corps. Levi caught their eyes, and their causal interactions, talks and bond started to grow and slowly developing feelings.

Eren would definitely figure out that you had a crush on Levi and he would say in a shocked tone “Seriously...out of all the men. It’s the scary captain you like!”

After you guys got together, he started at first to show you some of his affections which is ruffling your hair, and he would do that whenever he catches you looking down or not smiling. He wants the best for you, and to smile instead. He wants to see that on your face cause it was one of the many things he loved about you. You lowkey liked that everytime he would ruffle your hair and you could feel his soft and gentle fingers on the top of your head, so lovely it makes your heart race.

He would let you call him Levi at first and he would kinda get upset sometimes when you say captain.

Whenever you go outside the walls, he knows you will be on the other side sometimes and not in his zone and that makes him worry like shit. He cant even focus on his mission and would think “Y/N, please dont die. Please.” Begging that you would be safe. When everyone regroups, he would look for you and and in a split second he recognizes you from afar and that makes his whole tense body relax. “Fuck. What took you long?” he would say that and go up to you, “I went to get some water for my horse, are you alright Levi?” He just stood there, studying your eyes which would make you blush and you guys....end up giving butterfly kisses to each other! and that now become your thing. And guess what, he REALLY likes them, it ironically gives him butterflies in his stomach too.

Once you guys part away, he would touch his eyelashes softly just to feel your touch again and sense that are you still by his side. alive. (please give him more hugs)

Whenever you get a cut, even the smallest ones, he would always say and bring his hand out towards you “Come here”. “Levi, dont worry its a small cut!” You shyly say, “I see the injury, so come here.” and he would proceed to treat you so carefully and his full focus and attention while treating you makes your mind race like crazy. His sharp grey eyes on your knee and his finger tips would be cold when he touches your skin and that would make you shiver but you felt his love. And it made you love him again and again.

He would take any opportunity to treat your smallest injuries just as his ‘excuse’ to be really near you. And when he is done, he would look up and glance at your eyes and you guys just sit there looking at each other so loveling. He wants to try kissing you so bad and you can tell by the look of his eyes on how he focus on your pupils as it dilates, and he gets lost in your beautiful eyes. You both were about to kiss until someone calls out your name and that broke your focus and jolted up so quickly, blushing like crazy. He gets also lowkey embarrassed, and both of you get up. “O-Okay, I have to go....thanks Levi.” and he would nod with a slight blush.

Whenever he sees you carrying stuff as he would pass by, he always offers to carry it for you but still takes it away from you either way. 

He notice he is such a gentleman towards you especially and he is actually a loyal and a great man for you (too great).

He knows he stutters a lot whenever he tries to talk to you, so he doesn't trust himself to talk much to you cause he always fucks up, so he would rather listen.  When you guys meet up and talk about your day, Levi ends up being such a good listener and he loves hearing what you always had to say. “Go on, tell me more.”

Later in the relationship, he starts to feel less nervous after having many talks with you during late nights in his office and he open up to you. About his past, his life in the underground and then you later realized he is quite talkative. Would  definitely bitch about you with others and he does that on purpose cause he wants to see you laugh about it, and when you do he feels so great, you boost his ego. 

Once he was with the other soliders to train them combat style training, and he did such an impressive move that you saw from a distance. You would later go up to him and he noticed you, "Wow you're awesome when you did that move!" you would say with such an amazed expression and that actually makes him happy inside but then said “...and when I don't?" This man is always concerned, and he kinda lowkey wants you to complement him more?? Becomes needy about it.

Mentioning that, you guys slowly started to use pet names for each other. He really takes pride to it and feels so lucky to have someone to call him that and not anyone but you saying it to him meant the world for him. but, once you did not say love just once, and he actually went back to his office and really though about it for the rest of the day. He becomes really quiet in the evening and you can’t figure out what it is. So you asked. “Love what’s wrong?”. And there, he started to talk a lot more now. He realized then he can act like a kid sometimes but you found it so cute.

He also memorized and remembers your knocks and footsteps and just calls you in before even addressing anything. He was secretly waiting for you to come and he got the tea ready, and of course the table clean and even the chair extra clean cause he doesn't want any dirt on you. And of course, you are his lover so he wants the best for you.

You and Levi planned to go out to the city to buy some stuff, but he wanted to surprise you and take you to wall sina instead to this small shop to buy you an accessory that you liked. But that failed since it started to rain, “Great, shitty fucking weather.” 

Always touches your cheek tenderly and ask what is wrong when he sees you down. “Love, tell me.” He would keep looking at you and you would suddenly forget what made you upset and start to get timid . “Come on...stop you are making me shy..”. He just loves looking at you especially your eyes. “Y/N”. Suddenly he got all serious, and he gently grabbed your both of your shoulders. “I really…l-like you…” he tried to say all clumsily while leaning close to your face, but you know he is trying his best to show you his affection and love.

Whenever he gives you his back and you would see his neat and clean undercut, you would leave small kisses on it. That’s when you found out thats his soft and sensitive spot and he blushes like crazy, not expecting it but doesn't say anything. Once he was in his office alone, he would cover his face with his left hand and start to nervously say ‘Fuck...why is Y/N so damn cute, I’m gonna lose it.’

Levi loves to tease you sometimes, when they tell Levi to cut it out, but he would turn around and give you a small smirk and...chuckle a bit? You would think, wait actually nevermind let him continue.

Anything, literally anything you ask Levi to do or bring something, he is already up and willing to get it for you. “Hey love, could I please-”. “Here.” He knew what you wanted, a snack, so he just open his drawer and gave you your favorite pack of biscuits. “Have it all.” It was one of his ways to show affection and would actually feel good once you thanked him. Watch him giving you more next time.

Keeps. every. single thing. you give your man. He even has a separate drawer for you and he cherish the things you give him. You are the only one who does that to him and he loved that you were the one.

Outside, in the training area, when no one was looking he would push some of your hair that was hanging on your side behind your one of your ear. And you both would exchange glances, a look which both needed the other and the love was real.

Surprise, but he loves it when you kiss his Adam’s apple and would close his eyes while hugging you tightly.

You are the only one he trusts to have his keys to his office and once when Levi entered his office, he saw y/n laying on the coach, sleeping so quietly it warmed his heart. “Y/N waited for me this whole time?”. He would sit beside y/n and cover them with his jacket. He secretly then takes your hand and kisses it.

Overall, Levi has finally found the one, which is you, y/n. And this man would risk his life just for you. He would love his partner so deeply and wants to always be by your side and make sure that as long as you both had each other, things will be okay, and once everything is over he already thought that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. 

well this was longer than I expected!! I really do hope you all enjoy this and somehow you felt some love and fluff from Levi c: please do leave a like or a reblog if you liked it!