#i keep drifting towards lighter things because i just get so angry and depressed at the same time

[macybay947]

not that i expected anything different, but the senate intelligence committee's report on torture is truly horrific

[spaceskam]

don’t let me die while i’m like this

a dust & ashes inspired fic that turned into simply a Pierre Bezukhov inspired fic for @matchtheminrenown that has been such a long time coming you have probably forgotten so surprise. However, if you read the warning list and want something lighter, I can absolutely do that for you lol

ao3

Warning: depression, alcohol, suicidal ideation/intrusive thoughts, car accident, I don’t know if this counts as dissociation but it’s similar, there’s a happy ending I promise

Alex was happy. Wasn't he?

His eyes drifted from the blank ceiling over to the man in bed beside him. Forrest looked peaceful, his face smushed into the pillow. Michael slept on his back, but Forrest slept on his stomach. The first few times they shared a bed, Alex would regularly make sure he was still breathing and hadn't suffocated himself on the pillow. He was always fine.

For a moment, Alex thought about rolling over and waking him up slow. He thought about starting his day with languid kisses and getting some of his morning energy through drinking in Forrest rather than coffee. But Forrest slept on his stomach and somehow waking him up while he was face down seemed too hard.

Instead, Alex grabbed his crutches and hauled himself out of bed. His mind was a little blurry and he seemed to move on autopilot rather than actual desire to start his day. He braced himself against the door of the fridge as he leaned down to get his cold brew pitcher and then reached up to grab a cup. By the time he poured half a cup, he decided a little kahlúa wouldn't hurt.

He's stirring in milk when Forrest appears, lines from the pillow case imprinted on his face. Alex remembered thinking that was cute before, but it didn't stir that same feeling in him. This must be the mundanity of having a steady relationship. He just figured it took longer than three months for that to kick in.

"Morning," Forrest said, yawning and walking past him to make his own coffee. He eyed the bottle of kahlúa, but he didn't say anything about. Or, not directly. "Are you working today?"

"Yeah," Alex said, tightening the lid on his cup and feeding the metal straw through the little hole.

"You need help?" he asked.

"No," Alex said simply.

He slid the cup to the opposite side of the counter and used his crutches to walk there. Then he grabbed the cup and leaned as far as he could to put the cup on the window sill before walking to the window. Then he leaned and moved the cup to the slightly oddly placed table in between the kitchen and living room, then to the back of the couch, then he was all good. It was a system he'd perfected.

Alex sunk into the couch and stared at the TV. He wondered if Donna Reed was on this early but couldn’t convince himself to check. Instead, he sipped on his coffee slowly, allowing himself to zone out whole waiting for his second alarm to go off. He zoned out most days lately. Alex decided it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe he was struggling to be interested in anything and maybe he was on autopilot most days, but that was better than being sad. He'd choose that over sadness any day.

“Are you okay, Alex?” Forrest asked. Alex blinked a few times and saw Forrest settled into the other side of the couch. He didn’t remember him sitting there.

“Yeah,” Alex said and he meant it. He was fine. Forrest nodded slowly and settled into the couch. 

Alex stared at him. He was attractive, objectively, and somewhere inside Alex found him to still be someone he liked to kiss sometimes, but waking up to him in the morning started feeling less and less like something that brought him joy. But he’d rather have someone over no one any day.

“Maybe we can have sort of a date night tonight? I’ll make dinner, we can watch a movie, eat ice cream,” Forrest suggested. Alex sipped his coffee.

“Okay.”

His second alarm went off to tell him to get ready for work just as he finished drinking his coffee. Forrest offered to clean his cup for him as he was getting up and Alex said his thanks before heading back to the bedroom. Again, he fell into autopilot as he got ready for the day. Prosthetic, brush teeth, fatigues, fix hair, stretch. He was pretty sure he’d missed a step, already not really remembering participating in it, but his toothbrush was damp and his hair was fine.

“Alex,” Forrest said cautiously as he headed towards the door, “Don’t forget your jacket.”

Sure enough, when he looked down, he’d forgotten his uniform jacket. He went back to get it.

Driving was more difficult than he remembered. His mind kept wandering to nowhere, his eyes getting distracted or unfocusing and he’d have to make sure he wasn’t speeding or going to slow or swerving into other people’s lanes. He shook his head, trying to shake away the cloudy feeling and doing his best to just focus. It wasn’t fucking working.

Alex thought about pulling over and getting more coffee to see if that would help. He thought about calling in sick so he could just stop fucking driving. He didn’t really want to deal with anyone today and this was just the icing on the cake. Could his brain get any more fucking annoying than when it didn’t want to listen?

As he approached a clogged four-way intersection and, just for a moment, not for the first time, wondered what would happen if he didn’t stop. What if he just let go of the wheel. What if he just closed his eyes. But he didn’t. He shook the thoughts along with the fog out of his mind.

His phone rang as he sat at the red light and he looked down, seeing an incoming call from Michael Guerin. Which, in itself was weird. He didn’t call. Michael Guerin kept his space from Alex, always carrying that invisible 10-foot pole to make sure he didn’t get too close. Alex had cried once about it, but he hadn’t cried in a over a week now about anything. Progress.

“Hello?” he asked.

“Alex,” Michael breathed. Alex remembered a time that used to make his whole body revive itself. “What are you doing today?”

“Work.”

“Well, what time do you get off? I need your help with something,” he said. Alex stared forward, his heart beating at a stagnant and anxiety-ridden tempo. Weeks Michael hadn’t talked to him. Weeks Michael had avoided him whenever Alex had been forced to play nice during all the bullshit he put out there. Weeks of it until Michael needed help.

And somehow Alex couldn’t even be angry.

“I’m tired,” Alex said, letting off the break as the light turned green. Michael was quiet for a second.

“Well, like, later, I mean,” Michael said awkwardly.

Alex furrowed his eyebrows as he watched a car on another side of the intersection coming in at full speed. He ignored them, expecting them to stop like most people did,

“Yeah, I--”

They didn’t.

-

Alex woke up with the worst headache imaginable.

“Hey,” Kyle said, looming over him with a warm smile. Alex squinted at him and closed his eyes again, trying to subdue the pain. “Are you in pain?”

“My head,” Alex groaned.

“Okay, give me one second, I’ll tell them to get you something. I would do it myself, but, you know, conflict of interest and--”

“Kyle.”

“Sorry,” he said, pausing for a moment, “I was worried about you.”

Alex sighed, opening his eyes again. Kyle had turned off the lights and closed the curtains so it was a little bit better. He sat up, his body a little sore and his head still aching, but overall he was fine.

“I’m fine,” Alex said. Kyle scoffed, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “Your car was totalled, Alex. That car smashed into your passenger side and pushed the driver’s side to smash into the car beside you. You were literally trapped in a giant metal sandwich and somehow the worst thing that happened was you hit your head. It knocked you out in time to make your body completely relax and I’m pretty sure that’s what saved you from worse damage and they’re keeping you on watch just in case you have a brain bleed we didn’t see in the first scan, but that was some miracle shit, Alex.”

Alex’s eyes widened and he looked down at himself. He didn’t even see a scratch. What the hell?

“You scared the shit out of all of us,” Kyle said, reaching out to gently rub his thumb over what was probably a massive bump on the side of his forehead. Alex swallowed hard as guilt filled his system. Yeah, this wasn’t his fault, but it very well could’ve been. “Guerin called us freaking out.”

“Is he here?” Alex asked. Kyle nodded.

“Everyone is, but I told them to give you some space first because I figured you wouldn’t react well to a room full of people.”

“Yeah,” Alex breathed, licking his lips. Kyle still had that grim little look on his face, still touching the bump on his head.

“When he called saying something happened to you, my mind jumped to... just not good places,” he admitted, meeting Alex’s eyes, “Are you okay, Alex? Something has been going on with you and I guess I didn’t realize just how many warning signs you’ve been giving off until I heard you were hurt and I immediately assumed you did it to yourself. I’ve been a shitty friend and I’m gonna be there for you more.”

“You’re not a shitty friend,” Alex said. Kyle rolled his eyes, his hand dropping down a little to rest on the side of Alex’s neck.

“I noticed there was something wrong and I didn’t talk to you. I’m talking to you now and I’m not going back. So, tell me, are you okay? Is this a good excuse to look into adjusting medication or something? Tell me what’s going on or what you need and let me help because I never want to feel like I did when I got that call, okay?” Kyle said. Alex nodded easily and moved in for a hug. 

Kyle clung onto him as tight as his body would allow and Alex reveled in it. It seemed to be the first time in awhile he actually felt something. It made Alex realize that maybe numb wasn’t better than sadness after all.

How long had he spent just allowing things to happen? When did he go from bad to worse? He couldn’t remember. Well, fuck that. He’d survived something that should’ve killed him. This was his second chance. Or, third chance. Fourth chance? It didn’t matter. He’d gotten out unscathed and he was thankful. He didn’t want to die when he couldn’t feel anything and didn’t have the things he wanted. He wanted to feel something, everything. He was ready to force himself out of his rut.

Alex squeezed Kyle and pulled back a little, resting the non-bumped side of his head against Kyle’s. Despite the tears in the doctor’s eyes, he smiled right back at him.

“I’ve been a little numb lately,” Alex admitted, “But I’m done with that. Done wasting my life being numb. I’m going to do good things. Marie Kondo my way through life. Does it bring me joy? No, so we change it. Starting with Forrest.”

“Whoa, what?” Kyle asked, pulling back, “You’re gonna dump Forrest?”

“Yeah,” Alex breathed. Saying it out loud made him feel even better. He was putting in effort, moving forward. It felt good. “I almost died and, if I had, I would’ve been in a relationship with someone who doesn’t really inspire me to feel something. He’s a great guy, I just need something...”

“More like Guerin?” Kyle guessed. Alex rolled his eyes.

“Fuck Guerin. If he wants me, he can fight for me,” Alex decided, “But yes.”

Kyle laughed and let his hands fall off of Alex.

“Well, whatever you want to do, I’m here for you,” Kyle said, “And if you’re ever feeling numb like that, just tell me. I know you probably think no one cares, but we do. I do. I’m here to listen. I love you, man, and I want you around as long as possible.”

“I love you too,” Alex said. 

It was the first time in a long time he’d said those words to anyone, romantic or platonic. He quite liked that it was Kyle who got to hear them. It made him smile. It made him feel good. He was never going back to feeling numb. He was going to do whatever he could to keep this feeling in tact.

“Now when can I leave?”

-

Alex was happy. Wasn’t he?

His eyes drifted from the blank ceiling over to the empty space in bed beside him. It’d been a week since he broke up with Forrest. He’d taken it well enough, he said that he’d seen in coming and would like to be friends, but he needed a little space and Alex agreed happily.

And he’d been happy. He didn’t have a concussion, he bought a new car, he went to work ready for the day, he went for drinks with Kyle, he went through files with Michael again (after an apology, of course). He was doing better, so much better he didn’t even need to take his meds anymore. Or, he thought so.

Today he was back to feeling rough. He’d been doing his damnedest to get out of bed and he was struggling. He knew a bad day would come eventually, but so soon? Did he have to plummet so soon? He was trying so hard.

Tears sprung to his eyes and he took a deep breath, willing them away. No. He refused. He was going to be happy. He was moving forward.

He forced himself to get out of bed and it helped when he didn’t think about it. And he moved to the kitchen to make his coffee, shutting his brain down as he allowed himself to swing back into autopilot. It was easier that way. 

His phone rang as he sat on the couch and he sighed, answering it without looking.

“Hey,” Michael said on the other end. For a little while after his wreck, Michael’s voice had brought him so much happiness. They would look over files, tease each other, laugh. Two days ago, they play fought and ended up a giggling mess like they were teenagers. Two days ago. How had he ricocheted so quickly? Because today the sweet sound of his voice drained Alex of his energy.

“What?” Alex asked, swirling his coffee. He couldn’t finish it. It was half empty and he couldn’t finish it.

“You wanna come have breakfast? I can make omelets and some coffee, we can watch a little Donna Reed,” Michael offered, that tone in his voice that was usually a little tempting. Alex wanted to want to go, but he was tired and had more important things to handle.

“I have work,” Alex said.

“Tomorrow then?” Michael suggested, still not dissuaded.

“I’m tired.”

Michael was silent for a few seconds, drawing it out as long as possible. It started to make Alex feel a little sick. He wanted to apologize and say he would come in the morning even though he didn’t want to. Before he could, though, Michael started talking again.

“Okay,” Michael agreed, “Okay, yeah, that’s fine. Get some rest and I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay.”

Alex held his phone to his ear long after Michael hung up.

-

Kyle was standing by Alex’s new car when he got off of work.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked. He was too tired to deal with this right now. He just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and stay there for a few years.

Kyle held up Alex’s weekly pill box. He stared blankly at it, not really understanding how or why he had them. Kyle shook his head and held them out alongside a bottle of water.

“Michael called me, said something was up. You can imagine my surprise when I saw you picked around your antidepressants the last week,” he said. Alex stared at him and reluctantly accepted the offering. “You can’t just go off them, Alex.”

“I was doing fine,” Alex said, reluctantly fishing the pill out of the little compartment.

“Yeah, because you were taking them and because you were riding that high,” Kyle said. Alex shrugged, staring at the pill in his palm. Was it normal to stare at it and feel like failing? Tears burned in his eyes and he blinked them away. Kyle’s boots crunched against the ground as he stepped into Alex’s space. “It’s normal to have good days and bad days, okay? Don’t beat yourself up.”

“I thought I was better,” Alex said, shaking his head as a new wave of tears hit him, “I mean I’ve been doing my best to make myself happy, but nothing’s working. I don’t understand why I’m like this.”

“Alex,” Kyle said, his hand gently gripping Alex’s chin and making him look at him, “This shit isn’t a linear process. You are doing better. The way you’re feeling right now? Yeah, sure, it’s worse than you were a couple days ago, but is it worse than you were three weeks ago?”

“I don’t even remember three weeks ago.”

“That proves my point,” Kyle insisted, “Just take the pill and let’s go home, okay?”

Reluctantly, Alex did what he said and let Kyle pull him into a hug. It wasn’t as uplifting as the last hug Kyle gave him felt, but it was as strong and stable as always. Alex loved him for it.

They made an appointment to see a therapist on the way home.

-

Alex was content.

His eyes drifted from the blank ceiling over to the man in bed beside him. Kyle slept on his side with his mouth open and his arms and legs splayed out like a starfish. He took up most of the bed and Alex had woken up more than once because Kyle had unintentionally pushed him to the edge. Alex would kick him until he either moved or woke up with a whiny ‘why are you kicking me?’. It’d be funny if it wasn’t annoying.

This wasn’t a permanent arrangement, but it was one that, all sleeping habits aside, Alex appreciated. It took him a little while to accept that maybe having someone around him to be a rock before he could be his own was important. Alex had spent so much time thinking he needed to be self-sufficient that he hadn’t realized how important a good support system was. And Kyle was one hell of a support system.

On days when Alex felt good, he was there to remind him he still needed to take his medication and still needed to go to therapy because that’s how you stayed feeling good. Whenever he was feeling bad, Kyle would manage to find that perfect balance between babying him through it and getting him to cope on his own. It kept him from shutting down while still allowing him to process it. On days that were in the middle, Kyle was still just there and his friend. He liked it.

There was also just a lot of understanding that being content most days in life wasn’t a failure, it was the goal. No one could be happy every day. Content was okay. It was better than being numb. Anything was better than being numb.

Alex didn’t get out of bed until there was knocking at the door. He didn’t groan or have to battle with himself if he should just ignore it, he simply got up and went to the door. He didn’t have to think about it. Progress.

When he opened it, Michael Guerin was standing there with grocery bags.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked. He hid the fact that he was happy to see him. They weren’t together, but they were working on navigating what that could one day be like. Communication and dedicating time to each other were two of their most important things right now.

“I’m making you breakfast. Well, us and Kyle breakfast. Omelets and coffee,” Michael said, pushing his way through, “And guess what I brought?”

“What?” Alex asked, following him into the kitchen. Michael dug through one of the grocery bags before holding up a CD.

“Season 1 of The Donna Reed Show was in the discount bin for $3. Now you have your own copy,” Michael said, flashing a smile. Alex smiled right back, sitting down at the counter.

“Thank you,” he said.

“No problem,” Michael said, turning back to find a pan to start cooking with.

It wasn’t long before Kyle got up as well and Michael poured him a cup of coffee. It was nice having them both here. No animosity, no jealousy, they were just there for no reason. No reason other than that they wanted to. Because they liked being around him and they loved him. This was contentment. This was the goal. Michael at the stove and complaining at Kyle for putting too much shit into his coffee. It felt like home.

And, although he wasn’t in the best of moods, Alex smiled.

[dansphlevels]

Smelling Of Smoke (And Hearing Voices Not There) Pt. 6

Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5, Pt 6, Epilogue, ao3

Summary: Phil was a quiet type of crazy. Dan’s eyes were so loud that they made everyone take a step back from his madness- everyone but Phil, who instead, stepped forwards.

Length: Chapter 6 of 7

Themes: chaptered fic, au, mental asylum, trigger warning, insanity, dark

TW: mental illness, schizophrenia, depression, mentions of suicide/suicide attempts, mental hospital, abuse

 Phil lay on his back in the garden, staring up at the sky. He concentrated on it, and just on it, letting his mind wander but only in the realm of good possibilities. Clouds drifted, like swirls of bunny fluff had been injected with helium and pushed by the most gentle of breezes. 

 Phil inhaled flowers and exhaled warmth. 

 His therapist had given him advice for keeping himself under control. She said to talk to people, to distract himself, to think positively, to upkeep his personal health and hygiene, and when he did hear or see things that weren't really there, to simply ignore them. Bugs wouldn't hurt him. She told him there were bugs everywhere in life, and to love and appreciate the work they did for the environment.

 Phil had been following her orders to the letter. He breathed deeply. He relaxed. He talked to the nurses, asked them about their days and their lives. They didn't like talking about their families, but some talked about their pets, dogs and cats whom they loved dearly. Phil considered that maybe, once he became better enough to leave and go home, he would get a pet instead of just houseplants. It was the most basic therapy technique, one that he read in every single self-help book in the wooden library the hospital supplied; you dedicate some time and energy into taking care of something besides yourself. Phil could get a dog. Something big enough that he wouldn't accidentally step on it, but small enough that it could jump up on his couch and watch TV with him.

 "Phil, it's rotation time," the outside guard, Dorian announced kindly. Phil pushed himself up into a sitting position slowly, dusting off any lingering woodchips from his hair. "Thank you, Dorian. I have another free hour."  "I believe you mean you have an hour in the lounge." The nurse/guard suggested carefully, as if Phil might snarl at the words 'no, you're wrong'. Instead, Phil smiled.

 "Yeah, I guess you're right." 

 Phil never went to the lounge. Instead, he usually spent that hour with Dan, roaming the halls, or loitering in the library. It wasn't technically allowed, but Dan did what he wanted, and Phil suspected the nurses turned a blind eye to them. Phil was slowly helping Dan, making him more human every day. As Phil walked along the corridors looking for him, he decided he tell Dan about the advice his therapist had given him. He would get better if he took care of himself, talked to people, stayed distracted- 

 Phil had been walking and looking for Dan for ten minutes when it happened, and for a few moments, he froze, only processing the sound and what it was supposed to mean because it couldn't mean what he thought it did, were they mad? A fire alarm ripped through the building, and he supposed it was quieter than most, but it was still plenty loud to him. Phil found himself shuffling backward, inching towards the door before his conscious mind took control and slapped his subconscious into submission. And he barreled down the hallway, away from the door, because he knew that there was no way in hell Dan would ever leave a potentially burning building until it was crumbling down on top of him unless he was in a straight jacket. And he was likely waiting somewhere to rendezvous with Phil, likely with few nurses around, and as soon as he heard that siren there was no doubt in Phil's mind that Dan's eyes widened and he ran for it. Dan was an addict, and he valued the fire over most things. Phil wondered if he valued it over his own life. 

  As Phil ran, he heard footsteps come down the hallway and opened the door to the nurses' office, jumping instead and slamming it closed before anyone could see him. He watched as half a dozen figures passed by, probably a few nurses and a few patients, looking for others who weren't rushing to get out. 

 When they'd passed, Phil quickly slipped out and started running again, hoping to find Dan before he did anything irreparable.

-----

 He searched for what felt like a long time and had not yet found Dan nor the fire. Phil had searched everywhere, everywhere he could think of and now there were no more nurses in the hallways but he could smell smoke and finally, he ignored his instincts and just followed the smell. 

 It lead him to a door that he shoved open, and immediately wanted to crumple against. 

 The library was ablaze. A large pile of books sat on the floor, neatly arranged like a campfire, the entirety of it burning with angry orange flames that lapped up the plastic and paper book covers, happily curling the blackened pages together into chunks of coal. Other, smaller fires, darted around the room: the cushioned chair that someone always sat at, that was now vacant; the mismatched metal and wooden shelves, with small fires still growing; and a single book laying against the wall where the two of them always sat, The Odyssey, burning away. 

 In a corner, a figure straightened slowly and smoothly, like he couldn't make a sound if he tried. Dan turned, smiling like a kid at an amusement park. "I was hoping you'd come." 

 Phil stepped forwards, and the door automatically closed behind him, trapping him in the room with the fire and its enabler. As soon as he closed the door, the heat and smoke began to grow more intense, and he could feel his palms sweat. "Dan. We have to go." 

 It was futile, painfully futile, and Phil knew it. Because Dan was the enactor, not the victim. He lifted a book off the shelf and lit it using a handheld cigarette lighter, holding it and watching as it burned.  

 "We can't go," he murmured. He closed his eyes, inhaling the smoke like it was fresh air. "You don't understand Phil. You don't understand, let me show you." 

 "Dan, drop the lighter." 

 "You don't get it! Come here, let me show you." His face twisted up in pain as the fire from the book rose up and lapped at his hands, but he didn't let go.  Phil marched towards him, and Dan's lidded eyes saw nothing as he breathed heavily, leaning against the shelves.  

 Then they were on the ground, and Dan was on top of his, pinning him down. "Just wait Phil, you have to wait!" 

 Phil wiggled against him, but Dan held fast, not bothering with being gentle. His eyes were trained on the campfire pile of books a few paces away, and the small trail of fire that spread across the carpet.

 "Phil.... stop! Be.... patient!" Phil knocked him over, and they wrestled on the floor, grappling over the lighter and over dominance, but it was hardly a fair fight. Dan's regulatory system, the system that kept everything in check, had shut down, leaving him using his full strength without care of injury. Rolling, they knocked into a bookcase, and flaming paperbacks rained down on them.  "Ow! Dan, get off, we have to-" 

 "Hold still!" Dan flicked the lighter, right by Phil's ear, and pinched some of his hair in between two fingers. "Stop.... squirming!" 

 Phil kicked him hard, sending Dan tumbling backward, the lighter still tightly ingrained in his hand. Phil stood and immediately fell back down, coughing with the smoke he'd just fully inhaled. He envisioned black lungs, black breath, little specks of black smoke traveling through his circulatory system and creating miniature campfires under his skin. 

 The library was all ablaze, the fire crawling towards him on all sides. Phil backed up against the shelf. Dan sat only a few paces away, panting and looking at the flames in pure, childish amazement. He crawled over to Phil, more cautiously. "I'm glad you were here," he mutters, and the voices whisper it back to Phil, echoing it over and over in timid voices. "You made this fun." 

 He crawls closer, until he's almost on Phil's lap, and kisses him. Fire laps at Phil's calf and he cries out in pain, but it's muffled by the kisses. 

 "I love you," Dan whispers, but Phil doesn't know who he's talking to. His kisses taste like smoke as the fire reaches the ceiling and the smoke lowers further, and Phil can smell his own hair burning. His fingers lock around Dan's throat but he doesn't push away or struggle as Phil reaches for the lighter with his other hand. He detangles it from Dan's tight grip and somehow manages to throw it into the fire. One second, two seconds, then a small explosion, and Dan sighs in relief, leaning against Phil like he might take a nap, the painful warmth baking them together. 

 A thousand murmured apologies glide through the air, but only Phil hears them because the voices aren't there. He inhales through his nose, and Dan smells more like smoke than the burning library does. 

 Then the ceiling crumples in and the fire doesn't hurt anymore.

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[rogueimagination]

The Intern - Part Two

Part One / :) / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten (Epilogue) 

Pairing: You x Jungkook

Summary: You join a group of foreigners apart of an internship with BigHit entertainment that will lead to a possibility of a full-time job. Nothing goes as expected when everyone makes you the enemy and you unexpectedly befriend Jungkook.

Genre: Angst & Fluff 

Word Count: 3823 

Warnings: Bullying....(I think that’s it. Let me know if there is anything else)

Author’s Note: I just want to thank everyone for the kind feedback from the first part. I was overwhelmed with how many people liked it and I am unbelievably grateful to everyone. Also, I know my parts are really long and there are more long parts yet to come.... oops :)

"Did you do it? Did you rat her out?" Sophia asked that night as they were trying to go to sleep. "I don't know what you mean..." You say, really confused. Why did everyone keep asking you that? "Did you tell anyone...?" Sophia whispered, even through she really didn't need to. "I don't know what you're talking about and even if I did I wouldn't know who to tell in the first place. If you guys are going around accusing me of things then stop. I didn't do anything." You growled, tired of the whole day and everyone yelling at you. The whole day you have been bombarded by the other interns accusing you of "being snitch" and "cheating to keep the spot" but you have no idea what anyone is talking about. All you do is what you're told to do. Do the assignment, eat, hide in the kitchen, and sleep. That's all. The more everyone spoke to you, the more angry you'd become. "Okay....." Sophia mumbled. You expected her to yell at you like everyone else but she didn't. You just assumed she was sad about Hannah, and that was all. You wouldn't let someone like her bother you anyways.

The next day, you did what you always did. During lunch you took your meal and went straight for the south kitchens. Everyone glared at you as you left and you avoided looking at any part of them. You sat at the island and started to eat and when you finished you cleaned up and just laid your head down on the table. You just started sleeping during free time so you wouldn't have to think about how depressed you were becoming by being here. Just as you were beginning to drift off, you heard noise coming from the door behind you. Drowsily, you sat up and looked over your shoulder to see what was going on. After seeing two figures at the door, you quickly rubbed the sleep from your eyes. Did some interns find her hiding spot?

"Look, Jungkookie! She's here!" You looked to see Taehyung and Jungkook walking towards you. Taehyung was smiling so brightly you could swear he was the sun, and Jungkook's all black outfit and sulky attitude made Taehyung even brighter. You popped off your seat and bowed towards them. "I'm sorry, I'll go." you said, picking up your shoulder bag from the floor, right as they got up to you. Taehyung's hand stopped you as he spoke, "No worry! We want to talk to you!" He smiled. It was hard to say no to his rectangle smile. You didn't know how to respond so you nodded and sat back down on your chair. Taehyung and Jungkook went around to the other side of the island and Jungkook opened the fridge. Taehyung turned to you, placed his elbows on the counter, and looked up at you. "So, what's your name?" he asked, with Jungkook giving him the side-eye from inside the fridge. "Y/N" you replied, looking to Jungkook at the fridge. He grabbed one of the strawberry yogurts you'd been stealing. "Oh what a pretty name! I like it. Don't you, Jungkookie?" You noticed Taehyung kick Jungkook behind him but Jungkook didn't respond.

"So, how old are you?" Taehyung asked as Jungkook grabbed a spoon behind him. "In Korea I’m 20." You reply, keeping your eyes on Taehyung to avoid Jungkook since you knew you were the same age as him. Then, just as you expected, Taehyung replied "You're the same age as Jungkookie!" as he stood up straight looking towards Jungkook. Jungkook just looked at him, hit the top of his head with his spoon, opened his yogurt, and began eating. "Silly, Kookie. He's a man of few words, but he sure does like strawberry yogurt. Have you been the one eating his supply?" You gasped. "Oh no! I'm sorry! They said we could have anything from the fridges." You quickly apologized but Taehyung stopped you, "Nah, don't worry I was just messing with you. You can eat them but Jungkook is normally the only one who eats them." He giggled and Jungkook looked up at you then quickly back down to his yogurt. "He'd say so himself, but he's a shy little child." and Jungkook elbowed Taehyung in the ribs, similar to when they were wrapping the gauze around your elbow.

To your surprise, Jungkook spoke, "Is your elbow and head better?" You looked down at your elbow. To be honest, you forgot about it. You took off the gauze in order to not make a scene on sunday, and with everything that happened since - you forgot about it. "Oh, yeah. It is. Thank you for helping." You bowed your head. "If it wasn't for Jungkookie, we wouldn't have noticed you. He pointed you out to Jimin and Jimin went to help you." You felt like Taehyung had more to say but he got elbowed by Jungkook again. "Jungkookie, stop I'm going to lose my lungs if you keep doing that." He scolded the younger one, then turned to you. "Silly boy. He forgets how strong he is and how he needs to respect his hyung." You just giggled. "Hyung, we need to leave now." Jungkook said, grabbing Taehyung's arm, and throwing away his yogurt. "Aw, but I want to ask her more questions." Taehyung groaned but Jungkook just pulled him away from you and towards the door. "Bye Y/N!!" He called out before being dragged away.

After you watched them disappear through the door, you turned around to face the fridge and just stared. How does this keep happening to you?

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The next day, you went to the kitchen like you usually did and sat down. You were indescribably hungry and decided to eat more than just the yogurt this time. You sat there for quite awhile just eating and wishing you could somehow talk to Garrett about everything. It felt so isolated here, you couldn't decide if you liked it or not. No one else bothering you or hearing what the world was up to outside the Big Hit building. Was it a blessing or a nightmare?

You were so deep in thought, you didn't notice someone enter and stand right next to you. "Why are you always in here alone?" the person asked, and you - unfortunately - screamed, whipping around to the source of the voice. It was Jungkook, looking not-so-surprised that you screamed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you." He apologized, looking down at his hands resting on the counter. "Oh, uh, sorry I was lost in thought." you bowed towards him. "You don't need to be formal. We're the same age. Like Taehyung said." Jungkook said and now you just felt embarrassed. "Oh. Right." You mumbled, hoping he would just walk away. But he didn't. "So... why are you always in here alone? Don't the interns just hang out in the intern quarters during this time?" He asked again, reminding you of his question. You didn't want to tell him everyone hated you. You didn't want to risk him thinking you were a terrible person or a pathetic loner so you just shrugged and looked off to the side. "Are any of them your friends?" He asked, sitting in the chair between him and you. What was he doing? Did he really want to sit and talk to you? Not like you didn't want him not to or anything. It made you happy, actually. Someone wanted to talk to you and it was Jungkook.

"Not really... I just talk to my yogurt." You smiled, trying to make a lighter mood between the two of you. As you hoped, he smiled. The two of you were sitting so close you wanted to move back but you didn't want to hurt his feeling nor make him think you were uncomfortable. "Do you like strawberries?" He asked looking at the empty yogurt container in front of you. "Yes, they are my favorite fruit. I was really happy to find all the yogurt to be strawberry since I don't really eat any other flavors." You smiled back. "Me too..."

The two of you talked longer than you expected. All you talked about were your likes and dislikes and talked based off those. In between subjects there were awkward pauses but since the conversations were actually kind of fun, you forgot about that. You were surprised how well he talked to you, but even then you could since his nervousness. In all honesty, you were nervous too but that was because he was an idol; but you knew why he was nervous. You didn't act like it, but you knew more than your fair share amount about Jungkook. You knew he was afraid to talk to girls and was pretty shy in general. Trying your best, you wanted to make it easier on him - after all, you wanted to keep talking to him and if he suddenly remembered and got nervous, he would stop. Occasionally, you would get lost in his appearance. You always thought he was the most handsome of the group, and being so close reminded you how right you were. But when he'd stop talking, you would shake it off and respond. You didn't want him to think you were only talking to him because he was an idol. Talking to him felt nice, refreshing, and really subsided the loneliness that had been taking over. Except, you didn't want to talk to him because he was an idol. Who knows the consequences this simple conversation could have.

Eventually, you decided to look at the time and that's when you realized free time ended 20 minutes ago and you were late to your next assignment. "Oh no! I'm sorry, but I have to go. I'm late." you said popping up and off your chair and running towards the door. Jungkook didn't say anything and you felt really sad leaving so suddenly. You would've much rather sat and talked with him than go back to the daily grind. You hated to admit it, but talking to him seemed to take you away from your real life and was the first time you'd been this happy since coming to Korea. You wish you could tell him that but you didn't want to risk being even more late than you already were.

When you arrived to where you were suppose to be - the back offices. One of the men who makes sure the interns are doing their jobs was there; waiting. "You're late, Miss Y/N." He scolded. "I'm sorry, I lost track of time." you said, ready to take your punishment. He made you stay later and miss dinner to make up for lost time (even though it was way more than you would've worked if you were on time.) You didn't complain though, you knew you'd get this kind of punishment and you were ready for it. Besides, you didn't mind missing dinner where you had to see the interns. Any excuse not to see them, was a happy one. Your supervisor left for his dinner while you still worked. To your surprise, when he came back he let you go and didn't make you do your final assignment. He seemed to have a different attitude about you and you wondered if something happened during his dinner to make him change his mind.

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The next day Jungkook was already in the kitchen. "Hi, Jungkook." you said when you walked up to him. He was eating strawberry yogurt as you expected. "Hi, Y/N." He smiled, "I've decided to keep you company during your free time. You seem lonely." At his words, you wanted to explode. Did he enjoy talking yesterday too? You were overjoyed, but couldn't help your overly cautious side. "Thank you... you don't have to. You probably have more important things to do. Besides, I'm pretty boring." You laughed. "I don't think you're boring. We are on hiadious so I have more free time than usual." He smiled again at you, so you sat next to him. "Alright, but if I start to bore you, it's your fault." you joked. You felt really comfortable around him now, like he wasn't an idol. It gave you more confidence to talk more freely with him.

This continued for the next week. Every free time you would find Jungkook in the kitchen and would spend time with him. You always seemed to have something to talk about but you would start watching korean movies. He found out you hadn't seen a lot of them and decided you two would watch them together. You were excited to just be around him and the fact that he seemed equally as excited made you more confident. Everything became slightly normal. Everyone hated you but just ignored you, free time with Jungkook, and doing your assignments. Next thing you knew it was the next sunday and it was the 2nd elimination - which went uneventful. This girl who hadn't really ever interacted with you left because she started skipping out on her assignments. You were relieved it wasn't you but then you started panicking when they started reminding everyone of the rules.

The CEO began talking in a serious tone, trying not to look at anyone specifically but you couldn't help but feel as if his words were directed at you. "As a simple reminder, you are only allowed in the areas specified in the papers you were first given. I have been made aware of those sneaking around, and this is your first warning. After this, you will be given punishments. Also, you are not allowed to talk to the idols unless spoken first. Do not go looking for them and invade their privacy. We have become aware of these issues, and will start making prompt ajustments. Thank you."

Did they find out about you and Jungkook? Of course they did. But, was their anything wrong with what you were doing? You guys were friends now... you didn't see him as the idol everyone else saw him as and you never went looking for him; they found you. In the midst of your panic you overheard two girls next to you say, "Did you talk to one of them? Who did? I wish it was me.. I just want to touch Yoongi. Nothing more, I swear....." and you just panicked more. It was you. You had interactions with three of them and one of them every single day for the past week. You were always the one to obey the rules but you felt a sense of rebellion. You didn't want to stop talking to Jungkook.

The next day, you went to the kitchens with sweaty palms. You didn't want to talk to him about it, but you decided it was the best for the both of you. When you got in the kitchen, he wasn't there so you waited... and waited... and waited... then you heard someone come through the door behind you. You swung around on your chair expecting to be greeted by Jungkook but instead you were met by the shorter Yoongi. You immediately stood up and bowed as he walked up to you but he stopped you by putting his hand up. "Jungkook told me to tell you he has dance practice this week at this time so he can't meet with you anymore." Yoongi said with a dull tone but you sensed he felt bad for you. "Oh." you said, feeling your heart break. "Well.. that's good.." you said not very believable. "What do you mean?" Yoongi asked. "I got a warning about talking to him, I'm not even suppose to talk to you right now." You remarked.

"No, I approached you. You can talk to me and you can talk to Jungkook. He approached you and told you that you can talk freely with him." Yoongi retorted making you confused... "wait how do you.." ---

"---that doesn't matter. I'll be going now." and Yoongi walked away and you didn't have to courage to say anything else. Jungkook and you weren't able to talk to anymore. You couldn't help but feel like they arranged this to prevent you from talking to Jungkook, but you tried to get yourself to accept it. There wasn't anything you could do.

As you walked out of the kitchens you were met up one of the female interns that you've noticed talks to Sophia a lot. She gave you a sneering look. "So, are you the one running around trying to track down BTS. Don't try to lie to me, I saw you trying to talk to Suga and got rejected. How pathetic." she spat but you quickly went into defense. "I didn't search for him, nor did I get rejected. But, why were you watching?" but you didn't think she was actually listening to you. "I'm going to expose you. I'll find a way.."

"Yukki!" Sophia called from behind her. The girl in front of you turned around quickly. "Sophia, you're roommate is the one searching for BTS." Yukki said as Sophia walked up to her and you shook your head maybe to have Sophia see your side. "Let's go Yukki." was all that Sophia said and it surprised you. "Wait but we have to go expose her. She can't continue ahead of us when she's cheating." Yukki was persistant but Sophia had no time for it. "Leave Y/N alone, let's go." Sophia didn't even look at you but she grabbed Yukki's wrist and pulled her away from you. You were left thinking about Sophia and that maybe she didn't actually hate you.

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The week was.... depressing. No Jungkook, no anybody, only loneliness. You hated it, but you really missed Jungkook. You were in the middle of a movie the last time you saw him and you had no other ways to finish it. But besides that, you missed being with him, talking to him, ...him. You tried to push back how you always were really attracted to him and you wanted to only see him as your friend, but you couldn't help yourself. You guys got along great, he was cute, you liked him... but like that. You couldn't admit it. He was an idol and you only knew him for not that long and if you did start to really like him that would mean you would lose your only friend. But it wasn't like that mattered anymore. You couldn't see him anymore.

During free time on friday, you decided to go up to the open roof to get fresh air. You hadn't gone outside in such a long time you were starting to feel a bit stir crazy and the view wasn't bad. You immediately regretted it when you got up there to find Yukki and Sophia sitting. When the door closed behind you, their eyes immediately shot to you and you felt like they were pointing a gun at you (mostly Yukki). "Oh look the cheater is showing her face." Yukki hissed, standing up. You went for the avoid mode and went to the other side of the roof, by the edge. To your dismay, Yukki followed you. "How did you do it?" She asked bitterly. "Do what?" You asked, not looking at her but at the street below. "Get an in here. You're cheating and I don't know how but you are." You looked at her like she was crazy. "I have no idea what you're talking about...."

"Don't play dumb with me Y/N. I saw Suga and decided to ask him about you and your rejection but when I mentioned it, he laughed and said that it wasn't like that. HE LAUGHED. I asked if you were stalking him and he LAUGHED AGAIN and just repeated that you weren't and that he approached you. Before I could ask why, he just walked away. I tried to talk to him again but he just brushed me off. So, you're cheating and that's the only answer." Yukki concluded.

"Do you realize that made no sense as to why I'm cheating." You almost laughed. "So you aren't denying it... Maybe if something would happening to you no one would have to worry." Yukki said menacing then made a sudden movement that startled you, making you step back to the edge of the roof.  What was wrong with her? "So if I'm cheating, then why don't you just go tell someone and get me in trouble." You didn't know you had it in you to challenge her, but you liked it. It seemed like you stumped her. ".. I can't" She looked down in embarrassment. "Why? Because you talked to him first?" You had her too and it made you feel stronger. "That doesn't matter. I'll expose you and there won't be anything for me to worry about." She growled. "Too bad there's nothing to expose me of" (what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her) "but you shouldn't waste your worries on me." (you can't let her find about your relationship with Jungkook.)

Yukki groaned in frustration and whipped around so fast it caught you off guard. You went to step back. It would have been fine if you hadn't already been on the edge of the roof. Your leg hit the edge causing you to lose your balance and stumbled backwards and off the roof. You screamed as you fell backwards and Yukki whipped around. You could've swore she tried to catch you but you were a little distracted by the fact you were falling off a building.

To your surprise you landed fairly quickly - and alive. You groaned in pain and looked around. It looked like a balcony of some sort but you didn't really care as your arm and head cried in pain. You tried to hold back the tears and looked up to see Yukki and Sophia looking over the edge shouting something as your hearing slowly began to work again. "Y/N! Are you okay?" They both seemed more concerned than you expected. Right then, the door to the balcony opened and Namjoon was standing there looking very shocked. He looked up to Yukki and Sophia and they were half surprised and half embarrassed. Namjoon looked back at you and bent down to you. "Are you okay? What happened?" He asked, taking your arm from your other hand. When he did this you yelped in pain. Was it broken. "..Y/N?" You heard a voice say from inside. You looked up to door to find Jungkook staring at you, shocked and frightening. You felt tears running down your cheek and you debated whether or not it was because of the pain or because you missed him and you never realized how much you did until now.