#i just wanted to read about my stupid men and their stupid feelings cus theyre DORKS

[tochimo0]

I WAS READING THE FUCKING NUTTIEST MOST GUT WRENCHING BUT I GET HOW YOU FEEL FANFICS ON AO3 AND I WAKE UP AT THE CRACK ASS OF DAWN FOR IT TO BE

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Give me my delulu BACK the weed isn't ENOUGH

[humanlyimprobable]

ok so im watching shane dawson’s video about eugenia cooney and i guess its helped me realize some things about my own weight? and mental health around it? im gonna put it under a read more so as not to accidentally trigger anyone hopefully, just know that nothings too severe, this is just some stuff i didn’t notice that i wanna get better with. 

ok so, for most of my life i’ve always been an incredibly skinny, small person. to the point where it’s the main comment i’ve recieved through out my entire life. “you’re so skinny!” “you’re skin and bone!” “you need to eat!” “you’re tiny!” and the like. my weight’s always been really down there, for most of my childhood i was in the 50s pound wise. when i was at camp as a kid two counsellors discovered they could play catch with me thats how small i was. and this stuff has been 99% of my entire life. the only time it wasnt this way was when i was a literal toddler and still had a lot of baby fat to the point that my sister would call me santa claus cus my belly stuck out, which i didn’t mind, in fact i actively enjoyed it because santa claus is the best hes just a sweet generous old guy who give magical presents on christmas whats not to love? 

anyways, im 18 and im in the 90s weight wise today. the most i have ever weighed in my entire life was just barely over 100 pounds. i still receive lots of comments about how tiny i am, to the point that most people dont take me seriously when i say things like “im gaining weight” or “my hips and thighs are bigger then the rest of me”. 

idk. moving on to the food related stuff i guess, ‘m a super picky eater, there are a lot of foods that i just straight up cant eat cus theyre so gross it can be physically painful sometimes? other then that though i do genuinely love food. food is amazing and wonderful and if i had the energy and not germaphobia i would be cooking all the time because i just love food so much, and i love to experiment some times, i like trying new recipes, i love adding new things to recipes and seeing how it turns out. but uh, growing up my dad was very strict about food. if it was on your plate you had to eat all of it. no matter what it was. and this was awful for me, especially as an undiagnosed autistic person. i hated a lot of foods that ended up on my plate, and i had so many meltdowns at the dinner table. i still panic today at the thought of wasting anything, even when im genuinely full or have no use for something or hate something. i still panic because of how guilty he made me feel. and its made me scared to try completely new things. 

but then there are other issues. germaphobia, general pickiness, lack of energy, so on that makes eating really hard for me sometimes. for those who dont know, my mom is a building manager, she is on call 24/7 pretty much, and she’s out most of the day. i feel bad admitting this but my mom is the main way i get food because my executive dysfunction, germaphobia, and fatigue issues make it so that the only things i can really feed myself are normally things like pizza pockets, rice cups, and cup noodles or ready made snacks like scones. i used to eat microwave meals for almost every meal of the day but i don’t want to live like that i want to eat real food, so i tried to cut down on it. everybody always talked about how bad they were for me so i tried to stop but its kind of left me in a worse off position considering the things i mainly eat nowadays (cup noodles are way worse for you then frozen spaghetti) but im scared to go back to the meals i ate before because im scared of being judged again. i wake up and maybe have a small snack if im able to tide me over till mom gets home and i can have something like a burger. 

but thats the problem. mom is out most of the day. from the time i wake up to the time mom is able to take the time to help me get actual food is at least around 5 hours or so, and thats a long time to go. not to mention that after work shes so tired and exhausted that i feel bad just asking for her help to get food. by the time her work is done all she wants and what she needs is to go to bed but if she does that before helping me then i might go without supper.

then there are other issues. i mentioned before how 99% of my life i’ve always been a very skinny tiny person, and thats kind of something that i was known for for multiple times in my life. im always the tiniest weighs the least of my friend groups. and im kind f scared of gaining weight because of that. that time  that i mentioned earlier where i was above 100lbs? it was scary. it was getting harder to recognize my body. i’ve almost always been able to see my ribs, but it was getting harder and harder to see them. my pants started getting too tight. and i was scared. i’ve lost other important parts of my identity before and it hurts. it hurts to go through that kind of identity crisis. and im scared of having another one. 

ive always been told that i should be proud of how i look, because im conventially attractive in a lot of ways. but im not. this might sound stupid but its hard. i want to gain weight i want to loook different, be different! but. im scared. im scared of being seen as gross in any way. even f its not true at all. im scared of people seeing me differently. i’ve worked so hard to be who i am today, and i want to work even harder to be who i really want to be. i was trained into a lot of things that people know me as. and some of it is purely automatic at this point. to the extent that there are some things that i physically am almost completely unable to break out of. i want to change those. i really really do. i want to change so much. but im scared. ik i’ve said that a lot but i am. who will i be? who would people see me as? how would i function? i dont know. i really dont. 

it actually makes me really uncomfortable when people talk about how skinny i am. i dont care as much about my height, though itd be nice to reach some higher selves i actually really like that part of myself. the weight is different though. its such a complex relationship that even this crazy long vent isnt an accurate way to sum everything up. im proud of it in a way, its something im known for, it makes me feel unique, and it is something unique about me right now. but in another way, i hate it. it makes other people see me as weak, defenseless, so on. it makes me a target of creepy men. its a product of abuse and disabillity in part. it contributes to my dysphoria. it contributes towards people not taking me seriously. its dominated part of my sense of identity in a way that i hate. 

and thats what the eugenia video helped me realize. i might not’ve caught any of this if it wasnt for that video. it helped me see that unhealthy feelings about this stuff doesnt need to be/start as this crazy severe thing. there have been times when i legitamately have thought “maybe its good i haven’t been eating much lately” and i didn’t catch just how potentially dangerous those thoughts were until now. and i cannot express how thankful i am to shane and eugenia for helping me recognize that. i want to work on eating more. as best as im able. i want to work on gaining weight. i want to be better. and im gonna try to be.